When Smiling Hurts

I often remark that I not only survived betrayal, but have ultimately thrived. Well. Some days...not so much.
Take today, for example. I'm completely off ADs (yay me and my formerly mutinous endorphins!). It's mid-February, which isn't exactly my favorite time of year. My house is undergoing renos so it's a bit chaotic. My career is in the pooper. I could go on... But the point is, life is not exactly coming up roses.
And, to compound all those pesky little problems, my marriage is, ummm, fragile.
And that's the thing with betrayal. You can patch the marriage back together. It can look almost as good as new.
But it's not.
The cracks are there. Making it more likely to shatter again at the slightest tremor.
Like, for example, having a pre-teen who's got more attitude than Lindsay Lohan. Like having financial issues. Like dealing with renos.
All the day-to-day stressors seem somehow bigger when they're against the backdrop of betrayal.
Suddenly, I find myself doubting my husband's announcement that he has an early meeting tomorrow (early a.m. was one of his favored adultery hours). "Meeting my ass," goes that nasty little voice in my head.
I find myself feeling unappreciated (which, frankly, I am at the moment). Feeling overwhelmed (which I also am at the moment). And feeling incredibly furious at all those I'm-sure-wonderful women boasting about their wonderful husbands and all the wonderful ways they feel loved and appreciated.
So...thriving might be a bit of an overstatement at the moment. Surviving is even a bit generous in description.
You might say I'm hanging on by my fingernails over a chasm that could easily swallow me whole with nary a burp.

It Ain't Over 'Til...Well...It Ain't Over

I ran into a friend today. Once upon a time we were close friends. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding; I was MC at hers. Now we're "it's-great-to-see-you-how're-the-kids" kinda friends.
She married a guy I can only barely stand. He's a small "m" misogynist. He works for a company that builds army machinery. I'm a feminist and a pacifist. We tend to disagree. A lot.
Yet there was my friend. Still happily married, or so it appears. And there stood I. Pieced back together after betrayal and though the cracks might not be as apparent as they once were, I suspect anyone who looked closely could see them.
And I was so jealous I was almost choking on it.
Not that I would wish betrayal on anyone. But why, when my husband was such a good guy, did it happen to me? It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I chose so carefully – someone who treated people, especially me, well. Who seemed so principled. Who shared my pacifist and feminist leanings.
And my jealousy and subsequent short-lived fury at my husband made me realize – yet again – that betrayal changes everything. I will never be the carefree wife who laughed at the mere notion that my husband could cheat. He just...wouldn't. Or so I thought.
That person is gone. And she bears little resemblance to me, who still struggles to trust that anyone can be true to their word.
Sure, I have my good days. When I can appreciate the silver lining of being dragged behind the betrayal truck until I'm raw and broken. The silver lining that reminds me that I'm stronger. And that my marriage has more honesty (not sure it could have less...). And that my husband is a better and happier man who's faced his demons and is evicting them one by one.
But I also have those days when I hate that this happened. When I seethe with jealousy at women whose lives haven't been gutted by their spouse's secret. Who can still look at their husband and believe. What I wouldn't give to still be one of them...

Guest Blog: B is for Boundaries

by Merri


Growing up, boundaries in my family were usually expressed as something applied through objects.  "That's my cookie! Give it back," or "Don't wear those pants," were typical of the kinds of boundaries we expressed.

When it came to family intimacy, boundaries were commands with some personal message thrown in, usually barked-out by a more powerful parent. "Be nice to you sister or I'll send you to your room. I've got a headache."

The choice was to either buy into the boundary or be tossed out of the game. Parental needs were considered first and a child's specific need was not seen as important unless it served the parent. There was little room for discussion.

Which is why marrying a man with even fewer personal boundaries than I had was not a stretch for me...in fact it felt pretty comfortable. We both hated the rigid do-as-I-say thing and the feeling we were both invisible and/or powerless in a relationship. I longed for equal status and a voice in my own life, he longed for peace and an evening without getting clobbered.  We believed that having no real boundaries would get us there.

A relationship without boundaries brings lots of emotional flexibility into the dynamic – not to mention ambiguity. This quiet collusion we built felt like trust...because heck, we never challenged the thinking going on...we just trusted it. This loose framework helped both of us believe everything was always fine, and allowed us to build a big fantasy world where life was always good. Quietly sucking up any pain (or maybe drowning it with Scotch) was a private, individual activity to be done in brief moments of personal freedom. Finding "self" moments became a frantic game of cat-and-mouse – with a touch of guilt thrown in if discovered. Personal doubts festered and grew alongside negative behaviour we usually disclosed to outsiders.

Living a fantasy is not sustainable. I often felt like I was driving down the highway backwards, pretending the joy ride was fun, swallowing my fear.  When the crisis came to a head, I first  tried to use boundaries as my concrete line drawn in the sand in an attempt to prevent disaster from happening and keep myself safe. 


As time went on, I learned boundaries were more empowering when used daily to help me define who I was, especially to myself. It was a way to show self-respect. With few boundaries ever stated in my marriage, I realized how much I  floundered and second guessed every decision, or passively accepted my fate. In the end, I felt invisible to myself and enmeshed with my mate. The end of the marriage meant having to kill off at least half, if not most of me...and then try to rebuild.

I learned slowly it's okay to express needs and state limits but to remain flexible in changing or evaluating. Real intimacy and personal growth are validated through the boundaries we set. I wish I had discovered this news-to-me fact years ago...but hey, it's never too late to learn. I’m still a work in progress.
-- 

Guest Blog: Betrayal Geometry Basics – Triangulation

I like math and hate shopping – obviously, as a female I was betrayed by my genes long before my husband happened by. I remember vividly, the first time protractors were handed out in grade six math class…discovering all those angles and shapes that came along with geometry lessons made my heart beat a little bit faster. Who needed catalogue shopping anyway?

Oddly enough, early-on triangle concepts made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t so much about the sharp corners – but yes, ouch – they could hurt. Discovering strange relationship dynamics and skewed time parameters occurring within triangles caused me greater grief.

Three people in any intimate primary relationship is probably one person too many. I often wished someone had dared to share this insight with my parents early-on and then further explained how feelings and communication are best directed at the specific person involved.

Sometimes, especially if there is past history of withholding feelings and/or poor conflict resolution, a third person is introduced to reduce anxiety and/or decrease the intensity of feelings within a core relationship. Hey, we all need friends, buffers and social outlets. And for sure children or elderly parents make things complicated. But – note-to-self – if those extra outlets are a little too handy for avoiding conflict or halting growth …red flags need to start waving.

Triangulation in essence is two against one. It took me years to figure out this added third party could also be an addiction, a hobby or a sport. Husband and I drifted into spending more time talking about “the partner” or avoiding “the partner” to minimize our uncomfortable feelings and get through the day.

Trust and intimacy are the real building blocks in a healthy relationship – avoidance through triangulation merely feels safer.  My motto these days?  Cut the corners out and play it straight.

Recommended reading:

The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes

Relationship Sabotage by William J. Matta

Do men and women cheat for different reasons?

I was recently contacted by a reporter researching an article for why men cheat. And in answering her question, I got thinking myself about why men cheat and whether or not the reason(s) can be distilled to one or two. Having heard the stories of literally hundreds of betrayed wives, it seems the main reason men cheat is that they like the reflection of themselves they see in another's eyes. Most – not all, but most – men don't want to lose their marriages and wives. They simply get lured in by the heady sensation of being desired, sexy, interesting...all those feelings we all felt at the beginning of a relationship, but which eventually gave way to feeling loved, respected, and, perhaps too often, taken for granted.

Rather than spice up their own marriages, they take the easy route offered by women who are frequently looking for the same thing: the chance to feel special again.

I know it's not that simple and, of course, there are all sorts of mitigating factors, often going right back to childhood.

But if I had to simplify the reason, there it is.

Thoughts?

Is Marriage Itself Outdated?

I recently read an article that argues against with-holding marriage rights to lesbian/gay couples, but points out that marriage -- in and of itself -- is not the panacea we're often led to believe it is. Consider this quote:

So what are we to make of marriage? It is both a deeply personal relationship for which people will make almost unthinkable sacrifices, and it is a declining social institution offering little security for most who enter it.

Those of us who've endured infidelity often find our eyes opened to the reality of marriage -- the truth that the person who promised to love, honor and cherish just might not live up to that promise. I often hear betrayed wives note that they "lost their innocence". Sadly, life is messy. And often painful. But if we can use our painful experiences -- indeed all experiences -- to reconsider our convictions and recreate our boundaries (or in some cases, create boundaries in the first place!), then it's an important lesson learned.

Read the entire article here and weigh in with your thoughts. Is marriage outdated? Is it becoming meaningless? I can't wait to share your thoughts...

Why cheaters rewrite history

Far too often, our deluded spouses give us speeches that sound like English, but defy common sense. You might hear the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” version. You might hear the “yes we had a wonderful marriage, but she and I are soulmates” version. You might even be treated to a recounting of your marriage – in which you’re cast as a villain – that doesn’t sound remotely like the marriage you were in. The truth is that most people in affairs aren’t really bad people. So in order to justify to themselves why they’re engaging in behavior that simply doesn’t fit with their own moral code, they rewrite history…and reality…to come up with a version that allows them their affair and to feel okay about it.

We’ll get to how you can shine the harsh light of reality on their little fairy tale. For now, just take whatever he says with a very large shaker of salt (tequila would be nice, too, but later…when you’re less likely to abuse it!) and focus on yourself.

If life is an amusement park, this must be the roller coaster

If my husband ever cheats on me, that’s it. It’s over.

If mine cheats, I’ll kick him to the curb.

Mine wouldn’t cheat. He knows I’d kill him!

H’mmmm…sure.

Most of us (celebrities aside) head into marriage with delusions…er…illusions of “happily ever after”. We never really think about cheating because isn’t the whole reason we’re getting married because we’re DONE having sex with other people?

We step into this fantasy world and all is sunshine and butterflies.

Until the day we discover a hidden cell phone. Or graphic e-mails to someone else. Or, like Vicky, we’re contacted by someone claiming to be in love with our husbands...and telling us we’re nagging bitches.

Suddenly, our lives are upside down. Nothing seems safe. Nothing seems right.

The day I found out, I walked the house like Lady Macbeth, wringing my hands and repeatedly moaning “what am I supposed to do?”

Angie vomited over and over, barely able to breathe.

Debbie remained emotionless and stunned for days when her husband offered up the “we’ve grown apart” speech and announced he’d met someone else.

There is no right or wrong way to react (though it’s wise to avoid reaching for sharp objects). As one wise BWC member says, “whatever you’re feeling right now is the right feeling.” Acknowledge that this is traumatic to you, and your body and mind are responding as such.

“How could he do this to me?”

In the days following discovery of a partner’s infidelity, we often read from the same script. We weep, we beg, we scream. “How could you do this to me?” we wail. “I’ve been a good wife,” we protest. “What does she have that I don’t have?” we demand. Etcetera, etcetera.

We contemplate our options, but rarely with a clear head. (On the advice of my lawyer, I’m leaving out the part where I contemplated running my husband over with my car…but homicide, too, is a common thought! For now, though, let’s keep revenge fantasies just that – fantasies. I don’t want to have to post bail for any of you.)

Suicide can also be a far-too-common consideration. If you’re in such pain that you can’t possibly see a way out, please call a crisis line, family member or good friend. You will find your way into the sunlight again. I promise.

Our emotions tend to center on feeling like this horrible miscarriage was done to us. But the bizarre thing about infidelity is that it likely – honestly – had nothing to do with us. We’re just collateral damage. And if you start from that point – accepting that the affair was HIS choice (regardless of how good or bad your marriage was) and that HE needs to take responsibility for his choice, you’ll save yourself a lot of agonizing and self-flagellation.

Cheaters have cheated because…well…because they clearly have boundary issues and, sadly, because the’re missing something that they think they can get from an affair partner…or at least distract themselves from its lack by the ego-stroking that an affair provides. But, while you can sympathize that they’re missing something – a good job? Good health? A red sportscar? – the problem is theirs.

And – guess what? -- if they’re unhappy with the marriage, it’s up to them to tell you so. And for the two of you, if you so choose, to fix it. Or separate. If affairs were a reasonable solution, they wouldn’t have to be secret.