Their Comfort? Or Your Self-Respect? You Pick

When it comes down to somebody else’s comfort and my self-respect, I will always choose me first because that’s the right answer. If my options are teach you how to treat me or suffer in silence, you’re going to learn something today. ~tweeted by Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle)

Not sure about the rest of you but I responded to this tweet with a "hell yes!". And then I felt ridiculous. Because though I support this with my whole heart, I have actually spent much of my life as the QUEEN of choosing somebody else's comfort over my self-respect. 
I concluded early on that I could handle more than most people around me (typical among children of addicts) and so I routinely sacrificed my self-respect, my comfort, my wants, in favor of not rocking the boat. 
If someone was upset, it was my job to smooth things over. 
Amazing how entrenched those old lessons from childhood are, isn't it? iSmashFizzle's follow-up tweets noted that she was routinely shut down when she would demand apologies from adults who'd disrespected her as a kid. So where I learned to stop asking and to start prioritizing their comfort over my self-respect, she learned to demand louder. And to never stop demanding. 
How I wish I could channel some of that chutzpah. That inner knowing that what I want and need is just as valid as anyone else.
But when we grow up in dysfunction, we usually learn one of two ways to exist in our relationships and the larger world: I matter and you don't. Or: You matter and I don't. Which approach we adopt depends on all sorts of variables, including gender, personality and culture. 
But a healthy relationship is one in which I matter AND you matter. 
Not sure what that looks like? I didn't either.
Which brings me to something I had to accept in myself after D-Day. I had long taken pride in abandoning my needs and self-respect for other's comfort that I cloaked myself in sacrifice.
I loved playing the martyr. And it added fuel to an unhealthy relationship. 
This wasn't all on my husband. His family's dysfunction was fostered in a highly patriarchal environment. Everyone bowed to his father. So my husband, who always felt like he didn't matter was nonetheless male, which convinced him that he SHOULD matter. And so, with me, he operated from a fear that he didn't matter but also from a determination to fight hard for what he needed because he should matter. After all, he was the man. 
I came to our relationship with my brand of "don't worry about me", delivered with a sigh and a metaphorical polishing of the halo over my head.
He took me at my word and didn't worry about me. After all, I was super-capable and clearly easy-going.
And I fell deeper and deeper into this stew of resentment because he wasn't supposed to believe me when I said not to worry about me or my needs. He was supposed to just know better. 
Recipe for disaster. Or at least marital breakdown.
It was only with my husband revealed as a low-down scumbag cheater that I finally felt justified making some demands. First among them, get her out of our lives. And then, work on your issues via therapy and a 12-step group. No negotiation. No putting his comfort over my needs. For the first year, my needs mattered. His did not. The pendulum had swung the other way.
Which, in the short term, is fair. In the weeks and months following betrayal, I do believe the betrayed partner's needs take priority. He might be hurting but she is devastated. He might be injured but she is on life support. 
If we want a healthy marriage, however, we can't stay there. Even if our marriage breaks up, we need to learn to operate within relationships in which both partners matter. In which nobody's comfort routinely trumps the other's self-respect. Nobody should never suffer in silence. 
As @iSmashFizzle reminds us, we teach others how to treat us. Perhaps it's time for those around us to learn something today. 

Guest Post: Your Guide to Staying

by StillStanding1

Have you ever experienced the phenomenon where you thought about buying a certain kind of car and then suddenly you start seeing that car everywhere, even though you are sure you never saw more than three before in your whole life? Ever since I wrote my post about how a separation is sometimes the right answer, I feel as though I am seeing a lot of separations happening here on in the BWC community. And maybe I’m just seeing things that are always there. Maybe there is a lot of it. Maybe I’m assuming an undue level of influence for the post I wrote (I still take responsibility for things that aren’t mine). I know no one here is jumping into a separation willy-nilly because of something they read on the internet. And of course, as I wrote earlier, sometimes it is the rational, healthy choice for someone in a toxic situation. But, I’m also feeling that I want to add some balance through discussion of the other option, one that can be just as hard, and that’s staying.

Choosing to stay when faced with a partner’s affair is absolutely a valid choice and one that many women make. The public view of affairs is reminiscent of the ways we used to (and in some places still do) talk about sexual assault. It’s taboo. We pretend it doesn’t happen. We don’t talk about it openly. When someone in the public eye is unfortunate enough to go through this, the public is openly condemning the act of betrayal itself while simultaneously taking a voyeuristic pleasure in someone else’s pain and downfall. Society also tends to blame the victim (sounds familiar, right?). The wife must have been a frozen shrew, or he wouldn’t have strayed. She must be a chump if she stays with a cheater. She’s “asking for it” – being hurt or fooled again – if she stays. A woman is left feeling alone, isolated and with a burden of shame for her choice to stay. There’s no high five, feel good Oprah episode celebrating women who fight this difficult and painful fight. This is piled on top of the PTSD symptoms we’re struggling with from the betrayal itself. Why, then, might a woman choose to stay after the life-altering trauma of betrayal?

Staying might be the choice you make today, right now, because you need time to breathe and find your feet before you decide what is the next right step for you. You are shattered and often a weeping mess on the bathroom floor (no shame, we’ve all been there). Now is not the time to be considering wholesale changes to your life. It’s okay to sit still for the time being and recruit your strength. Staying because you need time to recover is okay. You have as much time as you need.

You may choose to stay because you have a long history with this person. You’ve built a life together. You are not willing to throw all that away. You know there is work ahead, and so does he, but you both are willing to do that work to get somewhere better.  And sometimes, it takes a little while to get from the pain and horror of D-day, to the point where you both are on board for this effort. It is a legitimate choice to stay and give things time to unfold, to settle down and for you to assess whether or not you see him making changes and doing the hard work of figuring out why he made the choices he made. Again, you have as much time as you need to let this part of the story unfold.

You might choose to stay for your children, if you have them. This is a valid choice too. Disruption, separation and divorce are all scary and challenging for children. You are making a choice for them, to keep things safe and settled. But know that they need a happy, healthy mother in their lives. So as you make the choice to stay for them, also own that it is a choice for you. You are not trapped or weak. You are fighting for a better life. What does this look like? Is this also time to assess and let things unfold? Staying for your children is an okay place to start but don’t let it be where you finish. What does your husband need to do to show he deserves this second chance to be in a family with you.

You might choose to stay because you are scared. Scared of all the unknowns out there. Scared you can’t provide for yourself. Scared it will be a struggle. Scared of being alone. Scared of running a household on your own. Scared that you won’t be able to keep your family safe. Scared of anything and everything. This is also real and legitimate. I’ve been there (and still go there sometimes). It’s okay to sit still when you are feeling scared about your future. Take some time to look at what you are afraid of. If you don’t feel like you can support yourself, start doing something to address that. If you don’t have visibility into the family income and finances, take steps to get that access. If you worry you won’t have enough to live on if you do end up on your own, go and visit a lawyer to understand what your rights are. Start taking steps to address those fears and take some of your power back. You have as much time as you need to work through these fears and gain confidence in your ability to handle your own life. This will serve you whether your relationship ends or mends.

The bottom line is that you may choose to stay for a variety of reasons, all of which are personal to you and all of which are completely valid. It is necessary, after trauma, to take time to breathe and recover, to give yourself time to feel through the pain. As you start finding your feet again, take stock. What needs to change? What are your boundaries and terms for staying together? What are your needs? What do you want to work on? What is holding you back personally? What does he need to do to earn this second chance you are giving him by choosing to stay? How are you going to take better care of yourself and ask for what you need? What are your deal breakers? What is your plan if a deal breaker occurs? It’s a lot to think about AND you don’t have to have all those answers today, tomorrow or next week. But, when you are ready, start thinking about where you want to go from here. Claim the power you already have to steer your life. And know that no decision is made in stone. You may choose to stay today, for just today. You are always free to change direction. This is both liberating and scary as help. Just know that we’ll be right there with you.