Infidelity in the Public Eye: When Society Plays Judge and Jury

Though statistics about adultery vary widely, even conservative estimates put one in four marriages as victim. Some go so far as to say 60% of marriages are subject to infidelity. But even one in four means that most of us know plenty of others who are in the same situation as we are. But do we know them? While we might be aware of a few friends' marriages that fell apart due to cheating, there are likely plenty more that stayed intact and in which the partners kept the infidelity under wraps. Which means there's a lot of us invisibly wounded listening to all the commentary about various public infidelities – Tiger, John Edwards, Jesse James – and feeling a wee bit uncomfortable.
With Tiger's return to the golf course yesterday, I was subject to plenty of discussion regarding his addiction ("addiction -- ha!" scoffed many), his wife's actions ("she should just take his money and find a decent man!") and Tiger as role model (no less than Augusta chair Billy Payne noted that Tiger has disappointed all of us...and our children). While I simply repeated the fact that he's a golfer, not the Dalai Lama, and if we're idiotic enough to set up men who are paid enormous amounts of money to play a game as role models, then we have no-one but ourselves to blame when it turns out their moral compass doesn't always point true north.
But regardless, it puts us in an uncomfortable position. If these men are scum, then what does that make our spouses (scum, in some cases...but certainly not all). And if the women who stay are doormats, what does that say about us? If those who leave are champions of wives everywhere, what does that say about us?
The thing is we live in a world that loves things to be black and white, evil and good, wrong and right. And yet...lives are inevitably shaded in grey. I, for example, do a lot of work around environmental issues. A wealthy woman I know recently bought herself a tiny Smart car, a symbol of environmental responsibility. Of course, she also has an Escalade. An enormous house. And a boat. So...what does that make her purchase of a Smart car, which was bought more as a status symbol than in a desire to reduce fossil fuel consumption? Does it make it right (she's now burning considerably less fuel as she drives around)? Or wrong (it nonetheless takes resources to produce any item, whether "green" or otherwise and she could use her feet or a bike. Or sell her Escalade and donate the money to the Sierra Club)? The thing is, it's not black or white. As my husband pointed out to me, doing the right thing (a more fuel-efficient car) for the wrong reason (status) is still the right thing.
Which is a long way of saying that none of us should really stand in judgement of anyone else. While we love to call cheaters cads and scumbags, it's not always that simple. And women who stay aren't necessarily doormats and those who leave aren't necessarily champions.
So please, all you judges of morality. Stop broadcasting your opinions of every public figure that cheats. Given the one in four statistic, methinks you doth protest too much.

2009: A Year of Cheating Dangerously

2009 was a heckuva year for adultery watchers (and aren't we all, these days?).
Just to recount, the year's cheat sheet includes John Edwards (well, okay, he admitted it in 2008 but his wife's book about it was released in 09), Jon Gosselin, John Ensign (who he?), Mark Sanford, David Letterman, Josh Duhamel, and, of course, Tiger Woods. And those are just the ones who haven't faded too quickly from the headlines. It's enough to turn my rose-colored glasses blue.
My own D-Day was more than three years ago and, I'm delighted to report, the pain is nowhere near as acute as it was. I get the occasional pang of sadness when I recall what I now call our "lost years", but time (and a whole lotta therapy) has brought me to a place where I believe my happiness is far more genuine now. It's rooted in reality; the knowledge that life can deliver me a knockout punch...but my feet are firmly enough on solid ground to keep me standing.
Which is a long way of saying that I can read about these affairs without taking it personally. Without making sweeping generalizations that, clearly, every man is a cheating scumbag and it's simply a matter of opportunity before they reveal themselves (literally and metaphorically). Without thinking that every marriage is doomed to failure and that every woman is simply setting themselves up for heartbreak. Yep, I was there. But thankfully no longer.
What about you, BWC readers? Do you find all the constant news about Tiger et al contributing to greater angst? Does misery love company? Or is it simply unnecessary gossip that has nothing to do with your life? 

Hiking the Appalachian Trail: The best/worst excuse your cheating spouse ever offered

History is replete with men caught with their pants down. While some manage to come forth with an excuse that's at least possible if not probable (eg. "hiking the Appalachian Trail"), others produce such whoppers that the only appropriate response is unbridled laughter – after pitching a stiletto at their head, of course.

This is your chance to submit the best/worst excuses you've ever heard. Hold nothing back. Bring

'em on...

And baby makes...an explosive secret!

It's rare for me to read an advice column in which adultery is discussed and actually agree with the columnist. More often, the advice seems to come from a 1950s "How to be a Housewife" manual, in which women are chastised for not looking pretty enough when their husband comes home from a tough day at the office to keep his eye from straying to his perky secretary.

Dear Prudence is an exception, particularly in dealing with an especially messy situation: when the affair produces a child.

The advice-seeker relays a situation in which her father had an affair, which produced a son. The family stayed together, mother knew of the other child but never acknowledged him, and the children were never told a thing.

Bet you can see where this is going...

Years later, the children are adults, the father has developed a relationship with his son, the mother is angry and dad finally 'fesses up to his kids that he "broke his marriage vows." (Interesting how clinical adulterers get when describing what they did!)

The advice-seeker was justifiably confused and questioning whether her whole childhood was a lie.

And therein lies the power of secrets.

I get that some things need to be secret -- such as my PIN number for my bank card. But trying to keep the lid on other secrets inevitably blows up, leaving nothing but pain and destruction in its wake. Just ask John Edwards.

The damage wrought by an affair creates enough to overcome; and dealing with a child -- a constant reminder of the betrayal -- compounds that pain, at least initially. However, there are times -- and this is one -- where we're called upon to be Bigger People. Where the life of an innocent child trumps anyone else's agony.

It sucks.

But, as my grandfather often said, the right thing is rarely the easy thing.

I know of a situation in which the betrayed wife sought custody of the twins her husband had with his affair partner, a drug addict. I have nothing but respect -- and awe -- for such a choice, yet the wife would be the first to tell you her life has been enriched enormously by the children. We can't all be Mother Theresa, but we can be honest with our own children (at an age when it's appropriate) and our families in order to ensure that an innocent child has the best possible chance in life. After all, surely by now, we've figured out that secrets slowly poison the soul.