Women Cheaters: Is There a Double Standard?

Tom Matlock, in The Good Men Project Web site, writes that there's a double standard when it comes to adultery. Men are vilified when they cheat, he argues, pointing to Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Spitzer et al. Women, on the other hand, are pretty much let off the hook, such as Tori Spelling, Leann Rimes, Jennifer Lopez. And most notably, he says, Elizabeth Gilbert, who admits to infidelity in her blockbuster bestseller Eat, Pray, Love.
I find myself somewhat stunned.
For starters, though I read Eat, Pray, Love before it became a household name, I somehow missed the part where she admitted to cheating. Sure, her subsequent relationship came pretty quickly on the heels of her marriage breakup...but it didn't occur to me that she'd cheated. Given that I was coping with my own...ummmm...stuff at the time, perhaps I just missed a few paragraphs through my tears.
And, in a fit of total irony, the Eat, Pray, Love that I'd loved because it gave a voice to that pervasive shame that so many women feel for not fitting into the mold morphed into the Eat, Pray, Love that I hated when Julia Roberts was cast at the main character. Why? Because Julia Roberts took great delight in taking husband Danny whats-his-name from his then-wife. And then rubbing the woman's face in it.
It was nasty and low and utterly childish.
So I loved the book by the author that admitted to infidelity...but hated the actress playing the author because she committed infidelity. Yeah, I'm confused too.
So...back to the original topic of this post: Double standard? Certainly not by me. And frankly, I judge cheating men less by their cheating than by their response to getting caught. Is there remorse? Is there some intention to at least allow both parties to maintain some dignity? Is there some desire to protect their spouse from further humiliation?
Which is why (don't hate me please!!), I didn't hate Tiger Woods. I felt sorry for him. Yeah, he was a scumbag for sleeping with not only the 8,000 pancake waitresses, but his neighbor's daughter (ugh!). But I still felt his remorse was real, his shame deep...and he went out of his way to allow his wife to handle the fallout in a way that allowed her privacy and dignity. Too little, too late...maybe. But still.
Jesse James, on the other hand, has revealed himself to be a total creep...with his public engagement blah blah blah.
It's not their gender that makes their adultery so repulsive...it's them.
On the female side, we've got Tori Spelling as the poster girl for vacuous adulterers. Off the hook? I don't think so. Most people I know think she's pathetic. Same for Leann Rimes. Jennifer Lopez? Well, perhaps she's off the hook simply because it's too hard to keep track.
Seriously, though, I know far too many guys who've cheated on their wives. And far too many wives who've cheated on their husbands. And I know that marriage is complicated and tough and that none of us on the outside of another's marriage can possibly know the whole story.
But a double standard? I really don't think so.
What do you think? Do men get roasted for their transgressions more than women? Do we let famous women off the hook when they engage in extracurriculars? Or are we a group of equal-opportunity dissers?? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Tee-hee Tuesday: Don't They ALL Have Bulging D--ks

I just came across this little gem of a giggle-inducer and simply couldn't wait until Funny Friday to share it with you. Thus...Tee-hee Tuesday. Here goes...

Whoops! Though Tiger Woods ostensibly withdrew from his recent tournament due to a potential "bulging disk", a CNN reporter, perhaps a betrayed wife herself – who knows? – let slip a reference to the greater problem we know ALL cheating husbands have. Unfortunately, their IQ doesn't bulge at the same time...or we wouldn't be here.
Check it out here.

"A Willing Participant": Can a Wife Truly Not Know About Her Husband's Cheating?

Jim Carrey went on Twitter yesterday with a bizarre "tweet". He noted, in 140 characters or less, that Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods' wife, must have known about his infidelity. "No wife is blind enough to miss that much infidelity," Mr. Carrey tweeted.
He then went on to, essentially, blame the victim, suggesting she might be motivated to "participate" in her husband's infidelity due to "lifestyle/kids."
I've got news for all the Jim Carreys out there who consider us "willing participants" – I'm neither willing, not a participant...but there were certainly days when I wondered if I was blind, deaf and incredibly dumb.
I had not a clue. I used to laugh at the fact that the edges of my husband's mouth would twitch if he tried to lie to me, like about who polished off the Ben & Jerry's the night before. Turns out, 12 years of bold-faced lying later, the joke was most definitely on me.
My friend Annie was similarly blindsided to learn of her ex's affair. "I used to think women who didn't know their husbands were cheating were stupid, naive or ignoring it," she says. "I always thought that I would know..." Her voice trails off. She didn't know. It took a phone call from the other woman's boyfriend to alert her. Even then, she was disbelieving. It was only when the boyfriend played an incriminating voicemail recording of Annie's husband that the truth sunk in. It had been going on for months. And she'd been clueless.
But no. We're not blind. Or stupid. Most of us are simply loyal. Perhaps a bit too trusting. We're generally highly principled people who couldn't imagine cheating. (Though I'll confess: I can imagine the cheating part. It's the coming home and looking my spouse in the eye and lying about where I'd been that I knew I could never stomach.) And we tend to think that everyone else operates with the same moral code.
Willing participant? Nope. And, I feel quite certain, neither was Elin Nordegren.

Infidelity in the Public Eye: When Society Plays Judge and Jury

Though statistics about adultery vary widely, even conservative estimates put one in four marriages as victim. Some go so far as to say 60% of marriages are subject to infidelity. But even one in four means that most of us know plenty of others who are in the same situation as we are. But do we know them? While we might be aware of a few friends' marriages that fell apart due to cheating, there are likely plenty more that stayed intact and in which the partners kept the infidelity under wraps. Which means there's a lot of us invisibly wounded listening to all the commentary about various public infidelities – Tiger, John Edwards, Jesse James – and feeling a wee bit uncomfortable.
With Tiger's return to the golf course yesterday, I was subject to plenty of discussion regarding his addiction ("addiction -- ha!" scoffed many), his wife's actions ("she should just take his money and find a decent man!") and Tiger as role model (no less than Augusta chair Billy Payne noted that Tiger has disappointed all of us...and our children). While I simply repeated the fact that he's a golfer, not the Dalai Lama, and if we're idiotic enough to set up men who are paid enormous amounts of money to play a game as role models, then we have no-one but ourselves to blame when it turns out their moral compass doesn't always point true north.
But regardless, it puts us in an uncomfortable position. If these men are scum, then what does that make our spouses (scum, in some cases...but certainly not all). And if the women who stay are doormats, what does that say about us? If those who leave are champions of wives everywhere, what does that say about us?
The thing is we live in a world that loves things to be black and white, evil and good, wrong and right. And yet...lives are inevitably shaded in grey. I, for example, do a lot of work around environmental issues. A wealthy woman I know recently bought herself a tiny Smart car, a symbol of environmental responsibility. Of course, she also has an Escalade. An enormous house. And a boat. So...what does that make her purchase of a Smart car, which was bought more as a status symbol than in a desire to reduce fossil fuel consumption? Does it make it right (she's now burning considerably less fuel as she drives around)? Or wrong (it nonetheless takes resources to produce any item, whether "green" or otherwise and she could use her feet or a bike. Or sell her Escalade and donate the money to the Sierra Club)? The thing is, it's not black or white. As my husband pointed out to me, doing the right thing (a more fuel-efficient car) for the wrong reason (status) is still the right thing.
Which is a long way of saying that none of us should really stand in judgement of anyone else. While we love to call cheaters cads and scumbags, it's not always that simple. And women who stay aren't necessarily doormats and those who leave aren't necessarily champions.
So please, all you judges of morality. Stop broadcasting your opinions of every public figure that cheats. Given the one in four statistic, methinks you doth protest too much.

Not-So-Funny Friday: Tiger's Mistresses Vie for "Prettiest"

The thing is, the "other woman" needs some good pr. Someone to make them seem...well...less morally challenged. Less he-loves-me-more-and-I'm-prettier-than-you and more I-didn't-know-he-was-married-and-I-was-lied-to-also.
Sadly, they're not getting it from Tiger's other women, who are cheerfully emptying their souls (souls? They have souls?), smiling pretty for whatever reality show promises to extend their 15-minute shelf life and avoiding putting in an honest day's work. On their feet. In short, they're taking the "other woman" to new depths of shallowness.
Consider this latest: Howard Stern hosted a beauty pageant (beauty being defined by breast implants and hair extensions...which, I guess, pretty much sums up society's view of beauty, not just Stern's) featuring a few of Tiger's more celeb-seeking mistresses. The winner (and I use that term loosely – pun intended) got a nice chunk of cash and the honor of being considered the prettiest of the pancake waitresses. Check it out here...or, better still, don't.

On the Eve of Tiger's Press Conference...

The world waits... Or maybe just the gossip mags wait.

In any case, on the eve of Tiger's press conference (will Elin stand beside him? Will she put her wedding ring back on? Will her face be etched with pain? And blah blah blah), here is one of the most balanced, honest and realistic articles about sex addiction that I've read. And I'm not just saying that because I'm quoted at length. Really.

Elin Nordegren: The Face of Betrayal

I'm sure Tiger Woods' wife Elin never planned on becoming the current face of betrayal, following, most recently, Elizabeth Edwards and Jenny Sanford. But there she is, her face "etched with pain", according to news reports.
Of course her face is etched with pain. Of course, she looks tired. Pain over betrayal is hardly news.
Why is it treated, then, as news?
Well I could be cynical and assume that it's because she's gorgeous and rich and the details of her husband's infidelity is so salacious that writing about her gives the paper another chance to dredge up the dirt. However – Pollyanna alert! – I like to think that it's because Elin and these other women, who bear their betrayal with a dignity and grace but never shame, offer the rest of us hope that we, too, can survive.
I suspect the thinking goes that if they can endure, with cameras in their windows, mistresses dishing on the talk shows and the whole world offering up an opinion of whether they should stay or go, surely we mortals can endure the stares of the neighborhood gossip and the possibility that our lame excuses for our puffy eyes sound...lame to the ears of our friends and colleagues. If they can overcome infidelity, we hope, then we can, too.
So, Elin, though you never wanted to become the poster woman for triumphing over infidelity, please know that you're inspiring many of us. Might be little comfort when your kids are asking when daddy's coming home. Might not help when you spot yet another tabloid cover in the supermarket selling lies and half-truths about your life. But you're certainly helping us.

What the Other Woman Can Teach Us...NOT to Do

Betrayed wives often fall into two camps: Those who blame the other woman for their woes...and those who don't. Some of us cross lines, starting off with vows of vengeance against the OW but coming around to placing blame squarely on the shoulders of the one who promised to love, honor and cherish us. Some, sadly, blame themselves.
Still, the OW can be a convenient target. Especially if she knew he was married. If she knew us. And far too many OW make it so darn easy to vilify them. We try to take the high road...but who can blame us if they simply leave themselves open to ridicule?
Such seems the case with at least one of Tiger's paramours, who revels in the spotlight and thinks that no moment is too private for public consumption. She pleads innocence...or at least ignorance. She seeks our sympathy, insisting that at no time did she intend for anyone to get hurt. Wha?? 
I can't generalize about OW. I've never been one...and those I've known stopped immediately when they learned the "great guy" they were dating was married. So I only know anecdotally through other BWC members just how wacked out some of these OW are. But then along comes Tiger's women to live large the life of the OW: the lies, the deception, the self-absorption, the immaturity...
Nothing glamorous or exciting about it. It's sad. And though the pain of betrayal stings...I'd still rather be on this side of the marriage. 

2009: A Year of Cheating Dangerously

2009 was a heckuva year for adultery watchers (and aren't we all, these days?).
Just to recount, the year's cheat sheet includes John Edwards (well, okay, he admitted it in 2008 but his wife's book about it was released in 09), Jon Gosselin, John Ensign (who he?), Mark Sanford, David Letterman, Josh Duhamel, and, of course, Tiger Woods. And those are just the ones who haven't faded too quickly from the headlines. It's enough to turn my rose-colored glasses blue.
My own D-Day was more than three years ago and, I'm delighted to report, the pain is nowhere near as acute as it was. I get the occasional pang of sadness when I recall what I now call our "lost years", but time (and a whole lotta therapy) has brought me to a place where I believe my happiness is far more genuine now. It's rooted in reality; the knowledge that life can deliver me a knockout punch...but my feet are firmly enough on solid ground to keep me standing.
Which is a long way of saying that I can read about these affairs without taking it personally. Without making sweeping generalizations that, clearly, every man is a cheating scumbag and it's simply a matter of opportunity before they reveal themselves (literally and metaphorically). Without thinking that every marriage is doomed to failure and that every woman is simply setting themselves up for heartbreak. Yep, I was there. But thankfully no longer.
What about you, BWC readers? Do you find all the constant news about Tiger et al contributing to greater angst? Does misery love company? Or is it simply unnecessary gossip that has nothing to do with your life? 

Arguing Over Addiction

I recently spoke with a reporter for The Daily Beast about sex addiction. Since the number of Tiger Woods' conquests seems to grow daily, many are speculating about whether he's a sex addict...or just a scumbag player.
The comments are scathing, with most falling on the "scumbag" side of the debate. And, frankly, I can understand why some dismiss the possibility of sex addiction.
For one thing, sex addiction has only recently become the celebrity curse-du-jour, with David Duchovny's admission and Dr. Drew creating a show around it. And sure, it can seem like a convenient excuse. "Gee, I would have liked to have said 'no' to the porn star, but I couldn't help myself because I'm a sex addict."
At least that's what those who dismiss sex addiction as a fad, or an excuse might suspect.
But the reality is hardly convenient. Or an excuse.
What a sex addict does is no less embarrassing to them if they admit to sex addiction. If anything, it's worse. Imagine the humiliation of going through a 12-step program for sex addiction (some of which don't allow masturbation...at all. Ever.). Imagine having to take a personal inventory of those you've hurt and make reparations. Think of how excruciating it must be to recount every encounter to your spouse (and yourself!) when you've spent most of your time convincing yourself that what you're doing isn't really hurting anyone.
Whether or not Tiger Woods is a sex addict, whether or not sex addiction makes it into the DSM-IV is of no consequence to those who use sex (or porn) in an unhealthy way. And most of the comments around sex addiction reveal not only a lack of compassion but a lack of understanding about addiction in general and sex addiction in particular.
Adultery sucks. Doesn't matter much why our spouses cheated on us...in the end we expect them to take responsibility for what they did. And sex addiction offers up nothing to hide behind, but rather a label that they will carry with them forward.

Hell Hath No Fury: Is Violence Justified Against a Cheating Spouse?

“Swing it again, Elin!” wrote Jan Helin, editor-in-chief of Aftonbladet, Sweden’s biggest newspaper.

While we BWC members have undoubtedly felt the rage, the unbridled fury that Elin Nordegren felt when she learned of husband Tiger Woods' cheating, we are dismayed by the popular support of the alleged golf-club attack.
Media has been ripe with jokes, jeers and cheers, lending an air of endorsement to violence...at least against someone who's cheated.
Sure, we joke about wanting to murder our philandering spouses (or ex-spouses). We might even fantasize about carefully exacted revenge. The thing is...we don't act on it.
It's kinda like cheating itself. It's okay to have...errrr...impure thoughts about the neighbor...or his 17-year-old son, for that matter.
We might even acknowledge that it's similarly okay for our husbands to have fantasies about another woman (or women!). But – and it's a big but – it's the actual doing of it that's the problem.
And the fact that she's a woman is no excuse.
Imagine, if Elin had been caught cheating. Would there be the same public support if he had taken a golf club to her? Of course not. That would be considered domestic violence.
I ache for Elin Nordegren and the pain and humiliation she's enduring...whether she divorces or not.
But at no point am I proud to be part of a group that encourages violence against anyone.

Tiger's OW offers up definition of "ironic"

Though I try (really, really I do!) to take the high road when it comes to matters of the OW (Other Woman for those unfamiliar with my acronyms), sometimes I just can't help myself.
Yes, I know that not all OW are nasty or stupid or morally challenged. But it's just that some...are. So, since this OW walked right into this particular exchange with nary a thought to the irony of her words, I can't help but poke just a little bit of fun.
So...with that pseudo-apology out of the way:
According to a recent article in some sleazy tabloid, Jamie Junger (has anyone else been a bit weirded out by the number of Jamie/Jamee/etc. that Tiger allegedly slept with?? Easier to keep their names straight?) commented on Tiger's...errrr...tightness with cash. According to this paragon of virtue...

"When we'd go out for dinner, he never left a tip or he'd ask for the meal to be complimentary because he was 'Tiger Woods'. I just thought that was cheap and it always embarrassed me."

Apparently "dating"/sleeping with a married man isn't the least bit cheap or embarrassing...

"What type of underpants does she wear?": How much info is too much?

The news is full of details of Tiger Wood's exploits. The women, the sex, the locations, the status of each "relationship"... It's all there for the whole world to discover.
For those of us involved in less public pain, discovering the details about our spouse's affairs often requires some sleuthing...or endless questions. But how much info about our spouse's extracurriculars should we know. And is there ever too much?
I wanted all the details...right down to...well...the dirty stuff. Annie was the same, asking over and over for details about the Other Woman's (OW) vital stats.
A lot of betrayed wives find themselves obsessing about the details of the affair: From where they had coffee (and whether the OW took sugar or a sugar substitute) to where they had sex, for how long and whether they talked before, during or after. Many of us also ask the same questions repeatedly, as if we simply can't absorb the answers.
"Experts" offer up plenty of opinions about what you should know, if you should know and why you should know.
As a recovered obsessive interrogator (ROI), let me clarify a few things:
1. If your spouse wants to remain married to you, he needs to answer any and all of your questions honestly. I've heard it said that when your spouse was engaged in the affair, the OW had the window into your marriage. Now it's time to switch and give you the window into the affair. It can go a long way toward restoring trust and helping you realize it wasn't the romantic sexcapade you might imagine. Then again...
2. Be sure you really want the information. There is such a thing as TMI, in terms of affairs. When I realized that much of the information I was getting was only feeding my obsession with what SHE had that I did not, I put the brakes on. My questions were no longer about trying to understand the affair, they were psychological self-flagellation. I implemented the 24-hour rule. If I felt the need to know something and I wasn't sure if I really needed to know, I forced myself to wait 24 hours. If I still wanted to ask, I did. However, almost every time, I couldn't even remember the question. It was some minor detail that fed my masochism...not my healing.
3. You're not crazy! Your need to hear the details over and over again is not evidence of your declining mental state, but rather your post-traumatic state. Betrayal is traumatizing and anyone who minimizes its effect doesn't truly understand it. People who've been through trauma (whether betrayal, accident or disaster) often need to tell their story over and over as that's how they process it themselves. You can't tell the story when you don't really know the story. Hence the need to create the whole picture.

In short, the BWC says that getting the answers to your questions is part of the healing process. Your spouse's willingness to answer your questions honestly – as painful as the experience is for both of you – helps restore trust and allow you to move forward with transparency and honesty, vital for a healthy marriage. 

Is Tiger chasing tail? When even good guys cheat...

Things are not looking good for Tiger Woods. Following his bizarre car accident, bloody lip, and alleged mistress(es), he's awfully silent. And, as far too many betrayed wives know, "no comment" is entirely too clear a comment.
I'm not yet branding Tiger an adulterer. And I hope, for his family's sake, the allegations are false. Unfortunately, experience has revealed too often that smoke means fire. And a smokescreen can't hide guilt forever.
Still, my rose-colored glasses lose a little lustre when yet another "good guy" falls. Though I know – ohhhhh, how I know!!!! – that being a "good guy" doesn't ensure good behavior in all (ahem) circumstances, I'd still like to believe in some pure goodness. And yes, I'm aware how incredibly naive that sounds.
The days that follow will undoubtedly reveal more...or at least a lot more speculation. In the meantime, my heart goes out to Tiger's wife Elin. If there's anything more humiliating than discovering your husband's affair, it's discovering that the National Enquirer actually knew the truth before you did.