What's Your Impact Statement?

A Twitter conversation made reference to an impact letter (credit goes to Vicki Tidwell Palmer). It's a sort of betrayed partner's version of a victim impact statement given in court, so that judge and/or jury can not only hear how the defendant's actions caused pain and suffering but also to help determine the sentence.
We aren't anticipating handcuffs and a cell (though we can dream!) but it's an interesting concept for us.
And I think it can help us in a few ways. For one, it can make it really clear to us just why healing from infidelity is so difficult. Writing down the many ways betrayal has changed our lives – from difficulty watching a television show that we used to love (if it features any sort of infidelity) to trouble sleeping – makes clear that, of course, we're struggling. Of course, this is taking longer than we ever thought.
What's more, written honestly and without intention to inflict pain but rather catalogue it, an impact statement can help our husband's understand just how devastating betrayal is. There will be those, of course, who minimize our pain, including brushing aside our "impact statement" as drama or manipulation. (Which should make clear that this guy just doesn't get it.) But for those who genuinely want to make amends, to understand why he made such a choice and how he can help support you, a thoughtful, candid impact statement can lay bare your heart.
And finally, as you heal (and you will, I promise!), you can revisit your letter and make note of the ways in which things are better. Maybe you cry less. Maybe you can drive past certain locations without your heart pounding and your stomach in knots.
I recently suggested we each write our own manifesto – our intentions regarding the life we are creating. While a manifesto is about looking around and looking forward, an impact statement is about looking past, however briefly, to assess the damage.
We need to acknowledge and understand the damage before we can begin to repair it.

Guest post: Today you rest.

by Still Standing 1

Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future... Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. ~Maya Angelou

Today, I give you permission to rest. Today you don’t need to be strong.You don’t need to figure anything out. You don’t need to get all the things on your list done. You don’t even need to check off one. Today you don’t need to hustle. Or kill it. Or be winning. You don’t need to do everything for your kids or spouse or other people in your life. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

I’m reading exhaustion in so many of our posts. We’re just so tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of trying to fix things. Tired of being in charge of our own healing. Tired of standing and working and pretending like we are okay. Tired of being in charge of the emotional labor. Of everything. Of holding it all together. The thing is, trauma sucks all your energy. Surviving is tiring. Working on your own healing is bone achingly exhausting sometimes.

As I train for my first half marathon, I’ve learned pretty quickly that my rest days are an essential part of my training process. Resting is an active choice and not a waste of time that should otherwise be “productive.” Rest is a chance to let my body and mind recover, regroup and heal. I can’t run seven miles and then go run 14 more. I need to rest in between. I think sometimes, in the wake of betrayal, we try to run all one hundred miles at once, in one day. Just let all the running be done. We think if we run hard enough it will all go away. But…that’s not how this road back from trauma works.

When was the last time you rested? Gave yourself a break? Let yourself off the hook? Gave yourself a hug? Said something nice to yourself? Savored your meal? When was the last time you stopped moving, sat down and took a deep breath?

Today I give you permission to stand down. Don’t light the match. Stop hustling. Today you can read a book or play a useless video game or sit and listen to birds completely guilt free. Nap. Put your feet up. Leave the dishes and the laundry where they are. No guilt. The truth is everything will get on just fine if we don’t do all the things we feel we ought to be doing. Don’t accomplish one official thing and, in so doing, give your body and heart and mind some much needed space to be. To recover. To unclench and breathe and gather strength for the next leg.