I was recently urged, on a writers' site I love, to create a Writer's Manifesto. This manifesto, I read, would guide me in my goals and help me focus on the longer road rather than just the assignment/deadline in front of me. It would help me clarify who I was, what I wanted to achieve overall. It would motivate me when I just wasn't feeling it.
Or so the author promised.
Her own manifesto went something like this:
In my work and life I will be...
Openhearted
Optimistic
Always seeking humor even when things are dark
...
I got thinking.
What if each of us created our own manifesto. Not for writing but for healing. A Healer's Manifesto.
What if we set out a framework for our healing within that. Something that helped us see beyond our two feet rooted where we are right now. Something that gave us a bigger picture. Something that reminded us that there's a tomorrow beyond today. And another tomorrow. And another.
And perhaps most important, something that reminded us, when we felt shaky and lost, who we are. Something to be our North Star.
My Healer's Manifesto is this:
In my life and healing I will be...
Honest
Vulnerable
Open-hearted
Sceptical but not suspicious
I will always act with integrity.
I will not intentionally hurt someone and if I do, I will immediately make amends.
I will make my healing a priority in my life.
I will make self-care a daily practice.
I will respond rather than react.
I will assume the best of others rather than the worst.
I will not tolerate dishonesty, toxicity, cruelty in myself or others.
This, of course, is my Healer's Manifesto 12 years past D-Day. An earlier Healer's Manifesto, which I think should be revisited and revised with time, might have been more like this:
In my life and healing I will be...
Honest
Open-hearted
Vulnerable
Sceptical but not suspicious
I will shift focus from the OW to my own healing.
I will not seek revenge.
I will not act impulsively but will rather establish a wait period before taking any long-term action.
And so on.
What might your Healer's Manifesto look like? Do you already have a framework guiding you? Can you put something down on paper or online.
The goal is a framework for your healing, a sort of guide. Think of the bumpers on a bowling lane that help beginners keep the ball out of the gutters. What will keep you out of the gutters? Write that.
And share here. Let's continue to heal together.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Interesting. I did have a "north star" that came to me immediately even in the moment of finding out. I have maintained true to that manifesto through healing although I never thought to call it that. I immediately felt the need to not use this experience as a weapon against anyone. Not against my husband (eventhough he had a fair amount of suffering still in front of him at that point... his suffering was not from my hands, but from dealing with the fallout of his actions. I had to check my intentions before speaking. If my intention was my healing and understanding I spoke those words. If my intention was to harm him I held them until I could speak fairly and for my own benefit.) I could not use it as a weapon against myself (I challenged thoughts about my lack of worth worth, I practiced self care, I put responsibility where it belonged instead of on me. I even had to find a way not to wield it as a weapon against the other women. I found this the hardest. I'm still working on that actually. If I saw one, I'm not sure I wouldn't wield any weapon I could find... hope not! So that's mine. No weaponizing this pain. We all know that's a very hard thing to do. It requires you to process and walk through the pain without wrapping yourself up in it like a blanket. It requires you to pause and wait before speaking, but still find a way to voice the things that must be said and form the agreements and boundaries that must be formed.
ReplyDeleteAnn, your words are true and important. Recognizing when you are going off the rails either at him, at yourself, the OW, or anyone else and slowing down until you can act in your integrity was my central practice. Being patient with myself was/is so worthwhile. Right now, since the separation, I have been less focused on him and his crap. I am now practicing recognizing my own crap and choosing to deepen my integrity and find my highest self. I have been a big fan of the shows "A Good Place" and "Russian Doll." One thing that struck me was how people in both shows weren't truly horrible people but were each plagued with a common type of insecurity, victimhood and self absorption--enough to make them not that great at life or to other people. Its a trap that my husband has fallen in and it is one I vow to be more aware of for myself. It is a new level of healing that I am taking on this year.
DeleteI know i can only truly control myself
ReplyDeleteI will practice staying in the today
I will recognize some peoples good is their best
I will stay on my self care
I will let myself off the hook and rest when needed
I will be gentle with myself
More consider of others
More vocal when needed and more quiet when i need to just listen
I will not let our struggles define me or harden me
I deserve everything i have and want
I have a choice everyday
Im too blessed to be stressed
BREATH ... BREATH ... BREATH
Time passes... and pain will turn into memory
Wounded,
DeleteI love this. And I think I also need to be "More vocal when needed and more quiet when i need to just listen".
I need some advice on how to approach this. I saw the OW in the grocery store last week. Here I go ruminating. I talked to my H and we had a good conversation. This morning he said, "I know you love me but I don't think you like me very much?. He is right there are some things I don't like about him now that I woke up. Do I tell him, well, I still think you lie by minimizing, I don't like that. I can tell now when you gaslight me, I don't like being the cause or blame of something YOU control. Your values are flexible, I don't like that. There are many things I do like about him don't get me wrong. ALOT of things especially how he treats me like a queen everyday in many ways. In a normal marriage - honesty? Just let it go, everyone has their faults. In my world I value honesty. I value people who do the right thing. So many things about the past I have a little resentment before the affair. But those things are not relevant now in our new marriage. I think if push come to shove I'm not sure he wouldn't revert back to you know who. Then I find in my journal he went to counseling for 7 months to figure out his whys. I forgot about that. Maybe my doubts about him come through? Anybody else feel this way so far down the healing road?
ReplyDeleteLLP,
DeleteI think there are things we let go in a long-term relationship. Things like whether or not he replaces the toilet paper roll, or forgets to put his glass in the dishwasher at night, or doesn't make the bed with hospital corners. And then there are qualities that define who he and what his value system is. Like honesty. Integrity. It sounds as though you're not speaking about garden-variety annoyances but rather qualities that enabled his cheating. And those, I believe, are worth addressing.
It isn't about giving him a laundry list of grievances. Rather, it's telling him that there are things he does that make you uncomfortable because they enabled his infidelity. See if you can have a discussion about it -- why is honesty such a difficulty for him? What is behind it? When he comes to those proverbial forks in the road, what does his decision making look like? What is he weighing? How does he see himself? What does he want his legacy to be?
You can share your own soul-searching with him. I know you've done a lot of thinking about who you are and what values you hold. It's not about saying you're superior -- it's really just a deep discussion about how you each show up in the world.
So yeah, I also feel this way far down the road. I expect those in my life to have a similar value system. We may express our values differently or emphasize different things but honesty is non-negotiable in my books.
LLP, I can totally identify with this. I think I was always annoyed by my partners quirks but there was something deeper that was really setting off my alarms. But I alway shoved them down. The habits of minimizing, blaming, gaslighting, deflecting, hiding, lying by omission, lack of integrity... slipperiness, I call it... were there but not blatant, until he cheated and those behaviors amplified. Eventually, despite my unconscious efforts to diminish and squash that awareness, and his excellent blameshifting, it eventually became writ large. I will not accept being married to a man whose behaviors are not reliable and suspect. It is crazy making. My H is sort of recognizing those things through 12 step support group but I have had to push perspective into the the forefront and insist on being heard around it. It is painful for him and he resisted hard. After all, he is mostly a nice, friendly, charming guy who looks and acts on the outside like a "good guy"-- he is super well liked at work and among friends. I had to listen to my inner voice when I recognized the sneaky stuff that others don't see and I was distracted from seeing by his nice guy stuff. I have found it helpful to listen to Terry Real and Rob Weiss podcasts to really get this shadow side and realize I wasn't imagining it. They talk about the deep rooted lack of personal integrity and narcissism (trying to use that word in a clinical sense and not prejoratively) of unfaithful and acting out men. It made sense to me.
DeleteThank you, MBS, for sharing your insight. You have worded my own marital experience perfectly. (Except the part where it appears your H has chosen recovery. Mine has not.) Something deeper,,,slipperiness,,,there, not blatant, and AMPLIFIED. I plan to find these podcasts today. Thank you for the suggestion.
DeleteElle, you are so right. I have to say part of my struggle is I feel nothing for him. Not love, not hate just nothing. We get along, have fun, travel, like a companion but that is about it for me. I'm trying to figure out, can I really love anyone considering how I grew up. I feel like a fake sometimes. At 65, I'm thinking, not a bad life so just go with it. I'm free to do whatever but just living with someone. I think I knew that all along in my marriage but as you say in your next post fear is a catalyst for all type of choices. He is 72 not going to change that much. I don't have a rotten life don't get me wrong. I have an extraordinary life right now. All the things we sacrificed to get here to be able to do what we want to do without worries. Kids and grands are great. I know I love my kids, I can feel that. Now that I look back, although my therapist pulled me of the fire, she was very pro-marriage. I lead her to believe that because of my devastation and fear that I was too. Maybe I should be glad I found myself and be happy with that. My mom was never happy, nothing ever mad her happy. I don't want to be like that. To him I can help but think, I'm a nurse with a purse. It is just good to be able to be totally honest and write all this down. Thanks for your comments. I'm going to take your advice and talk to him. Let you know what happens. He hates talks like these but that is too bad. I went to therapy about a year ago and said, I don't think I love him. See said, LLP, you know you love him. Then we explored why I didn't think I love him anymore. I left again thinking I love him. My mom right before she died said, "It is not good for you to be alone." She was terrible but I have to admit, she knew me very well. What she said sticks in my mind.
ReplyDelete