When someone is upset at you – your business partner, your relationship partner – your immediate reaction is to tear apart their argument and show them why they're wrong. When the reality is, if they're upset, that's enough evidence that you need to do something. You need to acknowledge the problem and you need to overcorrect. Consumers and relationship partners love to forgive – they just need to know you care.
~Scott Galloway, Pivot Podcast, May 7/21
Peloton, the company that created the COVID-perfect futuristic in-home bike that haunts my dreams and threatens my bank balance, had a problem. Its treadmills had caused the death of one child and injured a few dozen other people. Not thousands or even hundreds. But, of course, one death should always be considered too many.
And so they recalled their treadmills. Their many many treadmills. I'm sure it hurt to take a hard financial hit. But it was the right to do, said Scott Galloway, who, with the brilliant Kara Swisher hosts Pivot, a fascinating podcast about tech, culture, politics, life.
It's the same, he said, with relationships.
He's right.
Unfortunately, so many unfaithful spouses get this wrong.
So. Many. So. Wrong.
Consequently, what could be the opportunity to add balm to the wound of infidelity becomes a further injury.
And so this post is for any (former) Unfaithfuls who want to learn how to do it differently, who genuinely want to heal, who can put aside their defensiveness to make space for their partner's pain.
What we need from you is really fairly simple. If we've stayed, if we're even considering trying to rebuild out marriage, it means we want to forgive you. You can help us do that.
We need you make like Peleton and overcorrect.
We need you to not minimize what happened.
We need you to not explain away our feelings.
We need you to bite your tongue when we say awful, horrible things about the OW. No, we likely wouldn't be her friend if the circumstances were different. She sleeps with married men.
We need you to understand that behind our anger is so much pain. Overlook the anger. See the pain. If you can do that, our anger-mask will shatter and our fragile shaking self will appear.
We need you to listen without simply waiting for us to stop talking.
We need you to be patient with us as we dismiss your gestures of caring as manipulative, or too late, or not enough. Do them anyway.
We need you to take responsibility for your own healing. You call the therapist. You find the 12-step group. You find the books and the podcasts and the websites. You do the work.
We need you to understand that we are traumatized. We are not being dramatic. We really do want to die somedays. We really do believe that we will never feel like ourselves again. This is trauma speaking. Trauma speaks big, bold, terrifying lies that we absolutely believe. Support us as we learn to speak back.
Overcorrect, Unfaithfuls. Do more than the bare minimum. And then do more still. Show us in a hundred different ways that you care that you hurt us, that our pain matters more than your pride, that your family matters more than her.
Do it right, Unfaithfuls and you will have helped rebuild your marriage. It will have been worth it to also rebuild your integrity.
Overcorrect, Unfaithfuls. That's the key.
