"It is so much easier for people to cause others pain than it is for them to feel their own pain."
~Brené Brown, On Being with Krista Tippet
I was driving along the highway listening to Barry Manilow. (No dissing of my musical taste allowed. Manilow was and is a musical genius/national treasure. Do not argue with me.) I haven't heard his music in years. Ever since the digital revolution made my LPs and CDs irrelevant. But a recent Spotify subscription is restoring my music library and giving me access to my youth via music yet again.
And so...Manilow.
Music, we all know, transports us, often to the past. I landed somewhere around 1984, the year that my best (ha!) friend, recently dumped by her boyfriend, began dating mine. Technically, my boyfriend and I had broken up a few days earlier. We were "taking a break" (yeah, I know). I was at school in another city and it just wasn't working. But I was heartbroken and he was heartbroken. Enter "friend" (ha!).
And so my friend (ha! again) made her move. First she told him what a crappy girlfriend I had been (which might have technically been true). Then she told him that I already dating. (I had gone on ONE date and I was sad through the whole thing.) I didn't find all this out until later. I knew she wasn't returning my phone calls, which was weird. And then, a week later, I show up at a party and the two of them are clearly a couple.
My heart shattered.
I give you this backstory because, over the years that have elapsed since 1984, this episode in my life has become something of a punchline, a sort of "wow, I was young and stupid and had really bad taste in friends" kinda story, punctuated with laughter.
But, with Manilow singing about heartbreak, I didn't feel like laughing when I remembered. I felt like crying. Because I suddenly remembered how painful that was. I was so young. And so in love with this guy who was completely wrong for me. And I had trusted both him and my friend (HA!). Not to never hurt me but to not intentionally hurt me.
Thing is, this friend (ha! ha! ha!) carried her own pain. Lots of it. She had done this to other friends. She fed on male attention. And so, even acknowledging so many years later, courtesy of Manilow, just how painful that was, I was able to see exactly what Brené Brown is telling us: It's so much easier for people to cause others pain than it is for them to feel their own pain.
Think about how often that happens in your life. A mother who can't apologize to you for something cruel she said. A friend who would rather sever ties than face your hurt, or her own. A husband who convinces himself that it's okay to cheat on his wife. That "nobody" is getting hurt.
It's psychological (not to mention moral) gymnastics, this ability to numb ourselves to our pain while hurting others. But it's as common as dirt.
All of us carry wounds. We cannot reach adulthood (hell, we probably can't reach first grade) without having suffered an emotional wound, some deeper than others, of course. And many of us learn to ignore it. In a culture where expressing emotional pain is seen as weakness, we pretend we're "fine", especially men. In a family in which our emotional pain makes us a target for more, we learn to hide it. We lie to the world. Nothing to see here. And then we believe our own lies.
But that pain doesn't go away just because we pretend it isn't there. It simply drives our behaviour in ways that aren't so obvious. We eat more than we should. We drink more than we should. We spend more than we should. We cheat more than we should.
And we refuse to accept responsibility for the pain that we're causing to others because we're so divorced from our own.
I've always been a sensitive person. "Too sensitive", if you ask the most wounded (but least aware) people in my life. When I was about 12, I came home from school upset about something a friend said. "Why are you crying?" my mother asked me, even after I'd explained. She was so removed from her own emotions that she, literally, couldn't fathom tears. Not surprisingly, she spent a decade at the bottom of a vodka bottle, numb to her own pain. It was only when she got sober that she got in touch with any feeling other than shame. There was a world of hurt waiting for her to face it. But until she was able to own her pain, she caused me a world of it.
That's the challenge as we deal with infidelity. And it's such a tough one. The challenge is to acknowledge our own pain at being cheated on, while also acknowledging the pain that drives someone to do something so contrary to his own moral code (if it isn't contrary to his moral code, then that's a whole other problem). Healing from infidelity isn't a zero sum game. It can be true that you are in the worst pain of your life because of what he did. And it can be true that he never addressed the pain in his life, which is why he did what he did. Your pain doesn't cancel out his and vice versa. Each of you must tend to your wounds. Especially so that you don't carry them with you in a way that allows you to hurt others without regard.
We cannot be whole until we are able to acknowledge our own pain and the ways in which we've hurt others. Only then does healing begin.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
So much to think about here. I have found that even 2 years out from Dday I have to sit with pain sometimes. I still find myself wanting to run from it. It always catches me though...
ReplyDeleteOne puzzle I kept trying to "solve" was trust. If you ask me if I trust my H now, my automatic internal response was a hard NO. Which leads to sad feelings, which leads to running from them, which leads to finally sitting with them and acknowledging that I somehow have a wonderful marriage now (because it is wonderful now) with no trust. Which makes no sense, but just IS. So I sit with that. Then I heard Brene Brown's talk on trust (youtube). She quotes this as the definition of trust, "Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else." I am certainly doing that day in and day out at this point. I feel that vulnerability and the fear associated with it. I am aware that I'm doing this based on the work I see my H doing and our level of communication and connection. Of course I didn't at first when I found out, but started choosing this vulnerability as evidence pointed me in that direction. So by that definition, I do trust him every day. One day at a time. Based on several important factors. So then why be sad about my "trustless" marriage? What have I lost? How was I defining it before? After thought, I decided I meant "that feeling of not needing to feel vulnerable." To be certain about someone else's actions. Not feeling the fear I'm feeling now. Wow. It turns out I haven't lost trust permanently in my relationship. Blind trust? Yes. Feeling invulnerable? Yes. In some ways I can say I didn't have REAL trust before because I never considered I was vulnerable to his actions. Brene Brown says distrust is saying, "What I have shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you." I have certainly felt that, especially after Dday. But that's not what I feel TODAY. So my point is that if you sit with what's hurting you long enough, if you turn it over and look at it closely, you may someday refine your definitions of things and find a way through some of it (even years later when things are going well).
This is really beautiful and really wise, Ann. I've never heard that definition of trust but it rings so true. So many of us miss that feeling of invincibility within our marriage. But Brown's definition of trust is so much more real and, ultimately, so much more trustworthy. We can never entirely know how anyone will behave and believing we can is an illusion. But CHOOSING to make ourselves vulnerable anyway, because the potential gain is worth it, is absolutely trust. So interesting.
DeleteAnn--This is wonderfully insightful and spot on for me. I loved what you said. I loved Elle's follow up comment too. I am going to save this and reread it when I question myself. Thank you so much.
DeleteWow Ann thank you for this! I'm also 2 years out and my marriage is in a really good place. Like you said it makes me sad that I have very little trust. This is a new way to look at it.
Deleteann, I am seeing a new therapist next week and I sincerely hope she has the wisdom and insight you have on moving through the pain of betrayal. My goal is to get to the point of her doing EMDR with me on the triggers that still plague me but I know we have to relive all the sludge from my own childhood first. Honestly you have described perfectly how I feel about my current marriage. You know, the one after D-day when we both had to be open and vulnerable to truths and lies that permeated our lives? I would not want my life/marriage before D-day ever again. I really did not understand what I felt until you described it perfectly from BB. "Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else." To think that real trust includes the presence of mind to really know that you choose to be vulnerable to this person and open your heart to all that can be done to it by this person is eye opening. My husband desperately wants me to trust him again and I tell him that I trust him in most ways but not fully. I think it is safe for me to say that I am truly opening my heart to him again, allowing myself to feel vulnerable and this, I believe, may be at the core of my triggers. When I start feeling too safe, too secure, too happy, something inside of me snaps and that raging crazy woman shows up to make sure I hit the "reset" button on my marriage and make him fall down that dark hole. I hate that so much and I hope the EMDR helps me not do that. Now that I have something else, another really good "tool", I will keep that close by to remind me that I can keep choosing to show up with a vulnerable heart because I am fortunate that my husband has stayed the course of the path he never took 39 years ago. He is now firmly on that path, feels good about walking that path and is everything I could have ever asked for in a man. He carries the burden of his past actions and choices and has told me he has daily reminders of the disgusting choices he made along the way and vows never to make those again. He says he is very aware of everything including how his mind works. I guess instead of responding, "I hope so" to him I can now say, "I am choosing to be vulnerable to you and open to loving the man you are now" which means I trust you to keep your word. I am aware that he may fail but I choose to stay open to the goodness and love. Big hugs to all my healing warriors out there.
DeleteAnn, I am reading her latest book now and I read that very line last night and it has really stuck with me.
DeleteElle, I think the "what is important to me is not safe with you" would make an excellent post topic.
Great post. And all so true. It was the major turning point for me when I felt like I was basically over what my husband had done but what made me most sad was the fact the person he hurt the most was himself. It was one night during a deep discussion. And it hit me. Whether we stay together or not is not even the point. I had been wronged but in the end I feel good about myself, can put my head on the pillow at night. Of course there was and can still be feelings to work through and boundaries to assess and establish. However I look at him and see the one he betrayed the most was himself and he has to live with that forever. It really makes me so sad. I too was always too sensitive. This really changed how we look at what he has done and our future together. He in no way wants a pass or to forget about it. He said it weighs on him every day at least once if not multiple times. Seeing him work through this, express himself and then put it into action has been amazing and transformative. I never thought that this would be where I am in many ways. I never thought he would have done what he did. But where we are is a whole new place and level. Some days I still curse it but I work to see the good in it as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteHopeful30, I reached the same conclusion. As much as it hurt being me when I was going through the worst of it, I still didn't want to be him.
DeleteHopeful30. I couldn't say it better. My husband too deals with this and I wouldn't want to be stuck in his head. It must make it hard to look in the mirror each day and know the pain they caused. Same goes for the OW too. She has to look at herself in the mirror everyday and decide if she likes what she sees looking back. My guess she doesn't even if she has moved on. But everyday I look in the mirror I see a strong person looking back and a marriage that is back on track with a lot of hard work.
DeleteAnon, Yes! So true. And my husband's two affairs went on for 10 years. He said he stopped being able to look himself in the mirror. I would say it was about 2 years or so past dday when he told me one day he was finally starting to like himself. That was hard for me to think about all of it. How does one go through life that way. I mean it is crazy to me. I too feel the same way you do I am stronger than ever and honestly I never thought was this strong. And I hate we had to go through it but being where we are today I am proud and happy.
DeleteElle, this is indeed an important article that helps us understand that others' pain causes their behavior. Thank you! I need to read this over and over again to let it sink in. It seems I'm having a very hard time getting over my mother's emotional abandonment of me. I know she had great pain from depression -- she attempted suicide. I remember her as always stressed and unhappy, and feeling alone. Even though I recognize her pain as causing her poor maternal instincts, I still have trouble "getting over it". I married a very depressed man to "fix" what I couldn't fix with my mother -- making someone happy. Same depressive type of pain caused him to bring pain to our marriage -- cheating was just one way. I'll feel so relieved when I can leave my past experiences behind me and regain my personal sense of worth. I depend on your wise and kind advice, and this website, to help me with clarity about how my mother's pain affected our family. Thanks, again.
ReplyDeleteEven Now
Even Now (incidentally, one of my favourite Manilow songs is Even Now) -- I am utterly convinced that those of us who go through childhood trauma struggle more than some others with the betrayal of infidelity. I too had a mother who attempted suicide, who had addictions and undiagnosed mental illness and who ended up in psychiatric hospitals for much of my childhood. And though she loved me, I continued to struggle for years to "deserve" people's attention. And so when my husband cheated, it confirmed what I had always suspected was true: that I wasn't enough to command someone's loyalty. And that has been an unexpected gift with healing from betrayal. As I've come to terms with what my husband did and how I'm responding to it, I'm also healing those old wounds. It's a process, a long one. But there's no more important work.
DeleteI’m sure this is what I have lived through my entire life... I have learned so much from my different levels of pain and anxiety and I don’t really mind that I am sensitive because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the one so insensitive to cause that much pain to the one I love the most! Oh yeah, I wasn’t supposed to ever know about his cheating so no one was getting hurt! Turned out he was wrong because there are three people that was hurt deeper than they ever knew was possible! Thanks Elle!
ReplyDeleteThat whole "nobody is getting hurt" stuff is such a lie. I don't think anybody escapes hurt in an affair. Not the cheater, not the wife, likely not even the OW.
DeleteYesterday I had lunch with my aunt. She was talking about my cousin who is a drunk and drug addict and how she put all the blame on her mother for her pain. My aunt did all disipling in the family because my uncle was in the military was gone all the time. And that is where I think her pain came in. Like she was abandoned and in this pain she abandoned her own children one is special needs. So this also got me thinking about my h's affair and the pain he was in, not being around his family, they lived in another state, getting hurt at work and spending all his free time being a volunteer fireman. 2 out of three were his choices. Then I started to think about the OW and the pain that she must still be going through because she is really heavy now. But most of my thoughts were on her. What kind of pain are you in when you put something in someone's coffee so that they have temporary feelings for you. Are those feelings better than nothing. That didn't make sense to me because 2 weeks before the affair started she left her fiance who treated her like queen and was planning her wedding to my h and wanted a baby so that they could be together forever and ever . My husband never reciprocated those feelings for her and had never made any plans with her for the future. But she told people that she was going to marry him. She had built up some kind of fantasy world in her mind kind and he was going to be her savior off this Indian Reservation. Even though her fiance was white and had his own business.Then I remembered all of the pictures she had of her father on her Facebook page and I figured she was looking for some kind of older man validation to make her feel whole. My husband is 10 years older than her and her fiance was younger. Then I thought about my childhood and growing up. My mother was a hard ass and never gave us hugs and kisses growing up. She was always too busy cleaning. And on her death bed she tried to apoligize for that. I understand that she was unhappy her whole life. It took me two years of working on myself to realize a lot of this and what pain does to people. I still can't listen to the song from Shawn Mendez " Stitches" it just bothers me too much like a major trigger. But I understand things a lot better now, and my kids growing up have always had hugs, kisses, apologies and explainations of why I said something the way I did and and they were told how proud we are of them so that they don't have a lot pain from us.
ReplyDeleteI hope that they remember that when they are adults.
When we know better, we do better, right? And it sounds as though you did better than your parents and his parents did. We may never understand the pain that drives some people to do things that seem so contrary to their self-interest. I watched a friend blow up her own marriage for a guy who was abusive. Why? Made no sense. And sure enough, a few years later, that relationship blew up. But she had a lot of pain from her childhood and maybe an abuser felt more comfortable than a nice guy.
DeleteBut here's the thing: we don't have to understand why people do the things they do. We just have to keep our side of the street clean, as my friend puts it.
Elle, such insight I never really thought how my pain could have an effect on others but I'm sure it has both good and not so good. I look at causing others pain because I avoid my own pain. Especially after Day all I wanted to do was cause him as much pain as possible because I was incapable of facing the reality that my marriage did suck and he sought out a relationship with OW to fill that void. I think back on who I could have caused to hurt. There is certainly enough affair hurt to go around. I think of all the people who I allowed to hurt me while they avoided their pain. Me without a voice to call them out so just put a big post it note on my forehead that said HURT ME. After D day I insisted he face himself or hit the curb. I didn't think of it as such at the time but he couldn't avoid himself or me. He was caught not only with his pants down and socks on (he told me he didn't even have to take all his clothes off) I can just see him getting a blow job with his socks still on. I'm wandering now. If my H avoided his pain, his issues, there was no real R. That would have been a fake recovery. What was proof he was no avoiding was, he went counseling. He remembered when I suggested counseling prior to D day and he said no. I didn't remember even saying that. His introspective statements he made to me about himself was being vulnerable. Some examples, he told me he was really a coward, he cried many times when we talked, he called all our children and apologized, he admitted he is defensive, he admitted what an asshole he was throughout our entire marriage,matter what I do he never waivers about how much he loves me. I have tested him many times. I did some pretty wild stuff to him after D day. Oh yeah and he now vacuums I forgot that part. But now I can recognize those who want to hurt me by avoiding their pain and decide what I want to do. I can recognize those who hurt themselves by avoiding their pain. My mother or dad never apologized and I never confronted them because I knew it wouldn't do any good. So I stop coming home to see them and never called. I never called my mother out and I wish I had. When she heard my H had an affair, she vomited. She could have helped me so much and choose not to. Oh well. A little pain goes a long way anymore. I still slide into that painful role every now and then knowing it is not good for me. Creepy but it makes me feel better sometimes to be in pain. I guess it is like a monument to never forget.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes pain feels more familiar than not being in pain. It's like a dance that we know the steps to. And healing is about learning a new dance.
DeleteHe vacuums??
^^ This! Spot on again Elle.
DeleteTheresa - What they don't know won't hurt them right? I won't lie ... I get that mentality. But funny how everything ends up coming out eventually.
ReplyDeleteI wrote in my journal just this morning - I love hard. I want nothing but greatness for everyone I know. I feel everything and do not apologize for it.
But damn if I'm not tired of it too!
I HATE sitting with him and seeing his pain and feeling it. I want him to wallow in it and drown. I want him to feel even a smidge of the pain I've felt the last 8 months (or more honestly the last few years). But then my sensitivity sets in and I find myself trying to put salve on his wounds to heal him.
Truthfully - I'm tired of being vulnerable. I almost wish I had it in me to be callous.
Kimberly,
DeleteYou are who you are. And I hope you can realize all the gifts that you offer those you love. Yes, it's hard to love so deeply. It's exhausting to feel everyone's pain. But it's also something of a gift, as I've come to understand, to see the beauty in the world in a way that many miss.
I love that thought Elle, your right we don’t have to understand why people do and behave the way they do. I’ll keep my side of my street clean
ReplyDeleteXxx
How about when your ow is your best friend of 40 years! Trying to get over two betrayals. I think it is easier to get over my husbands than my best friend who talked to me the whole time and when we had problems sat there and cried with me and then whole time having sex with him! I just can’t understand how she did it. My heart breaks everytime I think about it which is ALL the time! Then when I found out she blamed me that she was skinnier and did everything and I didn’t do anything. She blamed me instead of asking for forgiveness! Ugh! I am trying to be the better person but sometimes it is hard
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 2-24--here's the deal, you are ALREADY the better person. I have such a hard time realizing how crappy people can be. One day my H said to me, "I need to tell you something you don't know" (this is after two d-days) my biggest fear was that he had slept with one of my best friends. I was relieved to find it was just another hooker that I did not know about before. with friends like your "best" friend-omg, how do they look at themselves in the mirror? how do they live with themselves. Aren't you relieved you are not that?
DeleteAnony 2:39pm, how terrible for you to get knocked down twice. She not only used your trust but I'm sure the information you were telling her to make your H feel admired, cared about blah blah. She heard what to do from you now she blames you? Who in the hell is this bitch to blame you? She is the liar, deceitful and evil NOT YOU. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS. Did you tell her husband, if not march right over there now. Please get tested for an STD. This never happened to me but I heard it is the worst type of betrayal to heal from. Your husband isn't any better either. How did you find out? How long had this been going on? It is normal to think about it all the time and you will for a long time. You are absolutely the better person since you life isn't based on lies, betrayal. YOU DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING WRONG - IT IS THE OW and H issues. Like Steam told me one time many years ago, unless you drove him over to her house, unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and put it in her tuna town then it is not your fault. I know you are reeling from this knockout punch and upper cut. Cut her loose, insist in no contact. Have your husband tell her in front of you it is over. I would want immediate proof that it was over. So many memories tainted. Keep glued to this site, I'm so sorry this happened. Take care of yourself be 100% selfish. I just laid in bed and cried 4 months. You will have blind rage, that is ok. You will get yourself through this. I want to go kick that whore's ass myself. I have a ton of unfriend whoop ass leftover. You are strong, good, moral. Don't let these liars define you. You will get through this. Love and hugs to you. This site changed my life so stay in touch.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI can't imagine how painful it is to get over not one but two betrayals by the people who were supposed to love you best. And to blame YOU? She clearly is a walking mess of problems. I hope you have some emotional support to help you through this -- do you have a therapist?
Thank you LLP. I have learned a lot in the darkness. I am finally emerging from Hell and there ain’t no stopping me now!! My good days are more often than my bad days. But sometimes nights get me! I am so thankful for this site and all you amazing, brave women who have shown me that there are women in my corner!!
DeleteThank you LLP. I have learned a lot in the darkness. I am finally emerging from Hell and there ain’t no stopping me now!! My good days are more often than my bad days. But sometimes nights get me! I am so thankful for this site and all you amazing, brave women who have shown me that there are women in my corner!!
DeleteIsn't it funny how the OW puts blame on everyone else but herself for the choices and pain that she also caused. Not only us but herself. Our OW played me like a violin. Her and her friends would always come say good morning to me, the OW had me make a cake for her and all that time they were laughing at me behind my back telling my husband what a horrible person I was and how she was better for him. All of them laughing at how stupid I was as there little plan unfolded. But in the end it was them who lost all credibilty among their friends and family. I'm sorry that this has happened to you too. It's got to be hard dealing with both.
ReplyDeleteOW frequently see themselves as victims. They think they get the short end of the stick so it's "fair" that they get to take what they want. Their actions come from feeling small and insignificant. An affair makes them feel important and exciting. Until it blows up...and then it's someone else's fault.
DeleteI'm so sorry for the cruelty you endured. But the joke is on them. You being a kind giving person only magnifies how petty and cruel they were.
So what is it that makes some hurt people hurt people and other hurt people NOT hurt others? What is the thing that differentiates us from them. It seems pretty universal that the cheaters had some kind of early childhood issue. But it also seems fairly universal that betrayed wives had some kind of early childhood trauma, yet we didn't cause others pain. I suppose that would be good research for someone like Brene Brown.
ReplyDeleteAfter Dday I did something out of character for me, and this is the first time I'm admitting it. I was so hurt and devastated after d day I had a revenge affair. I went completely numb, I had no feelings inside except for anger and hate. I did exactly
Deletewhat my husband did I searched out escort sites and found a handsome man with a great body and made an appointment for a "massage". This was 3 months after I found out about my husband seeing prostitutes. I look back and I justified it by I wanted to have my own little secret and replace my mind movies with my husband f..ing a prostitute with me rolling around with someone. Well let me tell you I came home and had so much anxiety for what I did. But at that time I felt completely numb inside. Before I went to meet up with this escort I wrote a note and put it in my nightstand with the address I was going to, you see I really didn't care at that time if I was meeting up with a psycho killer. I just was so dead inside. So I can understand now how hurt people hurt people. Looking back I feel I had a nervous breakdown its the only way I can explain what I did. Today the thought makes me sick that I could risk my life like that. Like I said this was so out of CHARACTER for me I now understand the craziness the mind will allow us to do.
browneyedgirl,
DeleteThis is something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. My husband and I have talked about it and I still am no closer to an answer. I didn’t necessarily have what I would consider childhood trauma but I moved a lot (military brat) and had a strong sense of morals and values instilled in me. I think maybe my upbringing was more rigid than some. There was a lot of love at home but also a fear of not being “good”.
My husband learned at a young age to fly under the radar to avoid getting in trouble. Even as a child, i always had a gut feeling on what was right or wrong and didn’t stray to far from it... maybe my fear of not being “good” was the reinforcement. I don’t know.
I could ramble on forever on this because it perplexed me.
Would love to hear others’ thoughts too.
BEG and Dandelion, Me too I think about this a lot. Dandelion I feel similar to you. No trauma for either of us. But now looking back I can see where we had very different childhoods. Mine was not military but very similar to yours. Strong work ethic, expectations in how I handled myself in all aspects of my life. Maybe too much towards perfection but I would not say my parents were unreasonable at all. My husband again no trauma but he was entitled and built up by his family. I would not say he got anything he wanted but totally what you are saying he was overall good but he slid under the radar or was put on a pedestal. He was smart, athletic, funny, attractive... he got what he wanted in all aspects of his life. My husband said that he is most upset he did what he did since there was no good reason. That it was him being weak and selfish at the core of it. He says now he had it all and almost threw it away. He says he wishes there was some trauma or bigger explanation. It is troubling to look at the world in this way. And he has said he has the comfort of knowing that I would never do what he did ever. Granted he knows that I could leave at anytime. Him choosing to stay to me is a bigger deal since he could have walked away and said nothing/no disclosure and that he has stayed and worked so hard. I have learned I have to let go of the past and focus on the words but most of all his actions. Talk less and listen more is what I tell myself all the time. The only drawback is I am more introverted than ever but It is my way of working through this.
DeleteAnon 2-27. Here’s my first time admitting to it too. I searched online for a males escort. There was no way i was going to screw anyone i had a chance of ever running into again. What stopped me? I swear, i could not find my type. At least i think that’s what stopped me.
DeleteI thought about this too for anyone with a RA what was it like? Was hard? Was it easy? I thought about this too but was such a mess at the time, I can't imagine having that much energy. I never was into casual sex at anytime but often wonder how hard is it to strip down and then be physical with someone I barely know. Your mind must go to a different place?
DeleteI think we have this idea that the hurt has to be something large and dramatic. When, for a sensitive person, the wound could be as seemingly small as not feeling valued for who you were. And then the voice becomes internalized and we get a steady narrative of the ways in which we don't quite measure up.
DeleteInteresting Steam thank you for admitting to searching also. You must have had some sanity left were I went bat shit crazy. Its frightening to think I went down that road. I remember so clearly the day I made my "massage" appointment I was sitting at the pool next to my husband thinking you did this to me u mother f...cker. I'm thankful to say this was 2 years ago, and thankfully my marriage is in a very good place. But I will never tell him what I did I will take it to the grave.
ReplyDeleteAnon Feb 27 and Steam, I confess to also checking out my options. I also thought about options of "known" male friends. In the end, I did not have the energy to follow through. I went through a loooonnngggg period of random pickups after my first marriage/divorce and it was not gratifying at all. As I looked at my online options after D-day I think I realized that I could probably get laid for free if I really wanted to do that. Got to admit that feeding my own fantasy was fun for a short "bat-shit crazy" moments in time. Hugs to you sister.
DeleteLLP--Tuna Town??? I.am.dying. Seriously coffee all over the monitor. I am so stealing that one.
ReplyDeleteI want YOU on MY team. You are awesome.