2009: A Year of Cheating Dangerously

2009 was a heckuva year for adultery watchers (and aren't we all, these days?).
Just to recount, the year's cheat sheet includes John Edwards (well, okay, he admitted it in 2008 but his wife's book about it was released in 09), Jon Gosselin, John Ensign (who he?), Mark Sanford, David Letterman, Josh Duhamel, and, of course, Tiger Woods. And those are just the ones who haven't faded too quickly from the headlines. It's enough to turn my rose-colored glasses blue.
My own D-Day was more than three years ago and, I'm delighted to report, the pain is nowhere near as acute as it was. I get the occasional pang of sadness when I recall what I now call our "lost years", but time (and a whole lotta therapy) has brought me to a place where I believe my happiness is far more genuine now. It's rooted in reality; the knowledge that life can deliver me a knockout punch...but my feet are firmly enough on solid ground to keep me standing.
Which is a long way of saying that I can read about these affairs without taking it personally. Without making sweeping generalizations that, clearly, every man is a cheating scumbag and it's simply a matter of opportunity before they reveal themselves (literally and metaphorically). Without thinking that every marriage is doomed to failure and that every woman is simply setting themselves up for heartbreak. Yep, I was there. But thankfully no longer.
What about you, BWC readers? Do you find all the constant news about Tiger et al contributing to greater angst? Does misery love company? Or is it simply unnecessary gossip that has nothing to do with your life? 

Survival Guide to your Heartbroken Holidays

Let me share with you how I spent the holiday season 2006, which – oh how the gods spite me! – took place within days of DDay #1.
I woke up early. Had I even slept? My parents were here to share the holiday my family, including our three young children.
After opening presents and trying to smile nice for the camera, I can only recall that I somehow lost my mind.
I became obsessed with finding the Other Woman (OW) and letting her know that she had ruined my Christmas. I got into my husband's car and began driving to her part of town. I didn't know her address, only an intersection. So I cruised. And sobbed. And cruised and sobbed.
Eventually, I gave up and came home. Where I sobbed some more.
My husband and parents had been, of course, frantic.
My kids were confused.
And I? Well, I was sobbing. And reeling from the shock of my life.
So I'm hardly in any position to be offering up advice on how to handle the holidays...when your heart is breaking.
Except that I can at least offer up lessons. You know those things we learn from extreme suffering:
Lesson #1: Give up on traditions. Maybe the holidays in your house involve an elaborate gingerbread decorating event, followed by a family skate and hot chocolate. If you can pull it off, go for it. But many BWC members remember that any attempt to do "what we always did" simply magnified the one BIG difference this time around. Perhaps it's time to create some new traditions, like make voo-doo daddy dolls. Or beat the daddy-shaped piñata. Maybe a gingerbread home-wrecker? Seriously, this might be the year to implement the holiday movie marathon (Black Christmas, perhaps?). Give it some serious thought – and only commit to events and activities that you can handle. Give yourself the gift of peace.
Lesson #2: Peace is not to be found at the bottom of the punch bowl. Trust me on that one. A happy drunk can make merry. A sloppy bitter drunk just makes Mary, Larry and Harry cringe. (And remember, too, if you're hardly eating a thing, have lost weight and aren't sleeping, alcohol will hit you hard.)
Lesson #3: Look forward, not back. Sure it's tradition to reflect on the past year and make resolutions for the one to come. But nostalgia is often dishonest.
Take stock of where you are right now – even if that happens to be in a smelly bathrobe rummaging through the drawers for a sleep aid. This is NOT where you'll be in a year. It might not even be where you'll be in a month (fingers crossed). So face forward and march into your future – whatever it is – with a trust in yourself that you will handle this the best you can.

Guest Blog: T is for Trauma

by Merri

I remember well my first flashback. I vividly “saw” my husband standing beside our house months after we had separated. It was terrifying. The only problem was, in reality, he was about thirty miles away. But tell that to my sweaty palms and racing heart.

Betrayals of the heart often induce trauma (which is, after all, a very strong stress reaction). If you consider that betrayal feels like it comes out of nowhere, that our response is emotionally reactive, and that we perceive fear through loss of control – we’re ripe for the picking. What's more, our brain automatically filters memories from our relationship history and throws in childhood experiences. 

For some of us bouncing between detachment and hyper-vigilance felt completely normal. It was far from it – but my childhood experiences conditioned me believe this state was reasonable day-to-day functioning. Chronic low-level stress (lasting for more than 90 days) can also induce a form of post-traumatic stress disorder (ptsd).

My concentrated efforts in trauma therapy helped me more than anything else ever had. I finally found the simple tools to cope that I had been looking for my whole life. 

•Grounding strategies were key for me. I asked someone I trusted to be my "grounder" for awhile. The feelings you experience can be extreme (panic attacks, anxiety, hypervigilance) and these emotions block logic so it’s necessary to calm them in order to think logically. The one thing I needed to hear repeatedly was that I was “safe", that most people were good, and that I would be okay in the long term.

•Doing a cognitive behave workbook was another simple exercise (simple in that it’s available at any bookstore. I suggest Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook For Dummies by Rhena Branch and Rob Willson). I still occasionally use the exercises.

•And EMDR helped the most. I found something similar online I could do on my own called emotional freedom technique – for me it wasn't as good but it still worked.

It’s a good idea to seek professional help if a betrayal has left you:

• Having trouble concentrating
• Suffering through moments of severe fear, anxiety, or depression
• Overly cautious/suspicious of people when you weren’t before
• Experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
• Avoiding more and more things that remind you of the trauma or gave you pleasure before
• Feeling emotionally numb and/or disconnected from others
• Using alcohol or drugs to feel better

Guest Blog: Endless Questions...

by Meg


I've been coping with the fallout of betrayal for about a year. I keep asking myself "When do I get to be happy again?" I ask myself hundreds if not thousands of questions a day. Probably not healthy – maybe a bit obsessive. I've got to work on that negative self-talk problem.
There are the usual questions: "Why wasn't I enough?", "How didn't I know?", "Will I always be alone?", "Will I be able to trust again?"
It's hard to feel hopeful with those questions constantly running through my head. They are filled with doubt about my future and my ability to be me again. What if I find love again, will I be able to believe in it?
 For me, and for many of us, my life changed in an instant. The day before my D-Day my husband sent me a lovely note: "10 reasons why I'm so lucky you're my wife." How many women have a husband who says stuff like that out of the blue? I read that and felt so lucky, so loved, so safe. Now I think back to that list and think maybe he was was making a pros vs. cons list about me...and just decided to share the pros with me. 
Today I got an e-mail from him asking why our divorce is taking so long. My how times have changed! Yesterday, I spent a lot of time asking the question I ask the most: "What happened to the man I loved?"  Can I just ask all of you – when do the questions end?

Arguing Over Addiction

I recently spoke with a reporter for The Daily Beast about sex addiction. Since the number of Tiger Woods' conquests seems to grow daily, many are speculating about whether he's a sex addict...or just a scumbag player.
The comments are scathing, with most falling on the "scumbag" side of the debate. And, frankly, I can understand why some dismiss the possibility of sex addiction.
For one thing, sex addiction has only recently become the celebrity curse-du-jour, with David Duchovny's admission and Dr. Drew creating a show around it. And sure, it can seem like a convenient excuse. "Gee, I would have liked to have said 'no' to the porn star, but I couldn't help myself because I'm a sex addict."
At least that's what those who dismiss sex addiction as a fad, or an excuse might suspect.
But the reality is hardly convenient. Or an excuse.
What a sex addict does is no less embarrassing to them if they admit to sex addiction. If anything, it's worse. Imagine the humiliation of going through a 12-step program for sex addiction (some of which don't allow masturbation...at all. Ever.). Imagine having to take a personal inventory of those you've hurt and make reparations. Think of how excruciating it must be to recount every encounter to your spouse (and yourself!) when you've spent most of your time convincing yourself that what you're doing isn't really hurting anyone.
Whether or not Tiger Woods is a sex addict, whether or not sex addiction makes it into the DSM-IV is of no consequence to those who use sex (or porn) in an unhealthy way. And most of the comments around sex addiction reveal not only a lack of compassion but a lack of understanding about addiction in general and sex addiction in particular.
Adultery sucks. Doesn't matter much why our spouses cheated on us...in the end we expect them to take responsibility for what they did. And sex addiction offers up nothing to hide behind, but rather a label that they will carry with them forward.

Time Is a Four-Letter Word

I just spent the weekend with a BWC member. But rather than weep and wring our hands about our respective betrayals, we laughed – heartily.
We giggled over what we did when we found out (I insisted that my husband put the OW on the phone...and to my utter amazement, she actually took it!); we chuckled over how delighted we were – in the midst of heartbreak – to step on the scales and discover that, while our lives might feel shattered, we were really wonderfully skinny.
In short, we were able to reflect on the most painful chapter of our lives...and, with the benefit of time, recognize that while it sucked...we weren't on that page anymore. Hallelujah.
Sadly, when your heart is breaking, it's almost impossible to believe it will ever feel whole again. And when those around you suggest that time will heal, you might nod...but inside you think they can't possibly know how all-consuming your pain is. Time, for me, became a bitter four-letter word.
My own pain grew to eclipse all else, including the love of my three children. I wanted desperately to escape it, desperately enough to wish I could die. Never have I been so low.
Which is why sharing some laughs three years later with a good friend who has also experienced betrayal is as surprising as it is healing.

Face Your Pain? A Radical Therapy for a Broken Heart

We're a society that hates pain, of any kind. We reach for Tylenol, or a glass of wine, or a shopping expedition...anything to make our uncomfortable feelings go away, even for just a short time.
When your heart has been shattered through betrayal, those same escapes beckon...but rarely work. Or certainly don't work for long.
What does work?
The answer is as surprising as it is simple. Feel your feelings. That's right. Stop wishing things were different. Or distracting yourself with food, alcohol, men or any other poison of choice.
Accept that this is excruciating. But know that it won't cripple you. You are stronger than this. You will survive. It will take time. But that time can be dramatically shortened by going through the pain, rather than trying to get around it.
Consider all those actions that always seemed too flakey (or was that just me?): meditation, silence, journaling... Anything that encourages you to face your feelings. They're just feelings, as one wise soul (okay, she's my therapist) often reminds me, not facts. And feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are.

If you're going through heartbreak, what are you doing for yourself?
If you've survived betrayal, what helped you through?