I'm Brazilian and my husband is German. We met each other in Vancouver in 2002. We are married since 2005 and at the moment we live in Germany.
I really need some help. I'm going through a very difficult phase of my process of healing and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm suffering so much and I can't anymore. Sometimes I just want to die. I cannot handle this pain anymore.
My D-day was in April 2015. I found out that my husband had an affair with a co-worker, who also pretended to be my friend, when we lived in Mexico (from 2010 to 2012). It was a huge shock for me because I thought my husband was different and at the beginning he really was. When I met him he was 26 years old and he was still a virgin!!! He was really crazy about me; sometimes he was even too much!!! I think that is why I didn't give him the attention he deserved.
So, in March 2010 he was transferred from Canada to Mexico and while he was arranging everything there for us to go I went to Brazil with our both kids (3 years old and 2 months old) to be at my parents and wait everything to be arranged. I was really naive to do it this way. So he started with the whole crap!!!! He went out with a group and I found out (only last year) he kissed a girl. I notice that he was different with me when we finally arrived in Mexico, but I could never imagine that. So in 2011 he started an affair with a woman, the one who was pretending to be my friend. I could never imagine that because I trusted him and also because she was an ugly women. Now I know from inside as well. They had an affair for some months. I could not realize it because he was meeting her only once in every two weeks. So in 2012 we came back to Germany. They started to talk via WhatsApp and it lasted 3 years. She used to send him videos and photos of her pussy. I found this conversation and I have to say it was disgusting. This woman has no self-respect. She did everything she could to take my husband from me. Last year in April they he had a brilliant idea of going to Mexico to spend 10 days with the OW in a resort and he thought I would never found out. He told me he had to go to US and after that to Mexico to work. In that time we were doing so good. We were getting along really well. And he screw things up. So I found out in the second day he was there already that he lied to me and instead of coming home he stayed there. He didn't want to face me. He was cold on the phone. He was not him. It was a real nightmare. My brother who was on vacation in England came to Germany to be with me as well my husband's brother who lives in Swiss. The whole family could not understand what he was still doing in Mexico. He didn't answer any call. So only after 6 days ( I lost around 16 pounds) he arrived at home and I told him that I would go back to Brazil with the kids to live there forever. My life was a chaos. I was living in a terrible nightmare. He was not doing much to keep us in Germany. He seemed he didn't care so much. So in May 2015 I went to Brazil with the kids. While I was in Brazil he was still acting really strange. He used to say that he regretted and that he wanted us back but at the same time he seemed that he didn't care at all we were there and also I could feel that he was still talking to the OW. I was completely unhappy in Brazil. I couldn't sleep at all, not even with very strong medicines. The kids were suffering a lot and they were asking me the whole time to go back to Germany. The older one once asked me why his dad didn't love him anymore. It was really difficult. (To be continued…)
(PART #2) So in July 2015 my husband decided to go to Brazil to talk to me and see if it would still work out between us. When he arrived it was really strange, but little by little I realized that I just want my family back. So we decided to try it. In September we came back to Germany and I found out in his cellphone a video of them having sex in our bed!!!!! He is so stupid that he gives me the PIN number from his cellphone but didn't erase the things. In this video you see her lying in my bed naked. You cannot see his face "only" his dick inside of her pussy. Yes, she came to Germany in June 2015, she had a meeting in another city and after that she had some days off and she dared to stay in my house for 3 days!!!! I can't take this video out of my head. I saw the dick of my husband inside of her ugly pussy and without condom!!!! I was and I'm still devastated and I didn't know what to do. I know we were not together during the time she was here, but in our house, in our bed, it was too much!!! He had no limits at all. After that I did a check-up and thank God everything was fine. I got really crazy after I found the video and he cried I lot and he said: "I know I have done a lot of crap to you but I realized that I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. I cannot erase the past but I promise you that I will make you the happiest women in the word". He meant he had an affair because I treated him really bad. According him as a slave. Also he said that something was missing because he hadn't had any experience before me and he wanted to have it to see how it was. Great, or? He said that the sex with her was really boring and that she didn't do oral sex neither liked to change positions. He also said that it was never about sex it was about how he was feeling with her. He was feeling powerful. He said it was a great feeling that it was like a drug he couldn't stop.
We started with couple therapy, which didn't help at all the German therapist was unbelievable. She was on his side. I have started my therapy in Brazil and I'm still doing it via Skype 2 x week.
Since he went to Brazil to pick us up he has changed a lot. He is another man. He gives me so much attention, he cares about me, he does everything he can to make me happy, he gave me a list with his PIN numbers from everything he has( Facebook, Link-in, emails, games, bank accounts...) he also said that I could take his cellphone anytime to check anything I want. He said no more lies.
The thing is, I don't know why I'm getting really sad again. I believe it started in April this year. I think it reminded me of what I was passing through last year. I hate him so much sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to be with him anymore but in the other hand I don't want him to be with anybody else. Sometimes I hate him so much that I want to break the whole house and hit him. Even though he is great now, I can't get over it. I can't forgive him for what he has done to me and the kids. I thought that it would get better, but it is getting worst!!! How??? Sometimes I feel so disgusted when he touches me, when he kisses me and in the middle of the sex always come the stupid video in my head, her face, the way he tricked me, the way how she was treating me as a friend. She was so nice to me. I hate her so much!!! Everything is like a movie in my head. I think about it every day the whole day. I'm so tired!!!
I don't think I will be able to get over it at all. I don't want to live anymore. He destroyed our family, my dreams. My pain is like if I had lost someone, but it is crazy because "this someone" is alive. Sometimes I just wish him had died instead of had done this to me.
Rafa Fernandes I'm so sorry for what you have been through and the emotions you are still dealing with! I'm going to start with your last few lines. The man you fell in love with and married and have two children with 'died' the minute he chose to step out of the vows he made to you! Just like me and so many others here we have had to realize that the h we have is a lying cheating asshole! They don't realize that they love us until we are about to walk out the door forever! Some of us have husbands that truly change from the mistakes that they made and the poor choice for different sex. Depending upon which kind of husband you are living with you can get to a better place and survive this to have a better marriage but it takes a lot of hard work on both partners and the desire to repair the damage! I'm glad you have a therapist and I hope you can give yourself the time to first accept that this has happened and then you have to decide if he's worth rebuilding a future with. I'm almost at the third year but because the crazy ow my h had his affair with contacted him just three months ago and of course I am dealing with triggers again! It sounds like the way I felt when I learned that 'she' lived in our house and had the most passionate sex in our bed! I had those videos in my head for months on end! I was lucky enough to be able to renovate our entire house and I know that's not possible for everyone but you can change out the bed and rearrange the rooms! I'm hoping you are taking care of you because I too know how the betrayal diet works and I'm just now getting back to a better way of eating and exercising! It's hard! Each day is a new day and I have to make a big effort to get through it and I have finally begun to find my happy place again! I thought this would be impossible in the first year and at times I wanted to just pack up and run away! But I still love the jerk and thanks to the changes I've seen for the better each day the struggle gets a little bit better! I call it taking baby steps and it's a slow but steady way to a better together marriage! I'm sending hugs to you and I will also say that the advice I've found on this blog gets me through some very dark and painful days!
Thank you very much for your answer. It was very kind of you.
Today I talked to my psychologist and she asked me to go back to my psychiatrist and maybe to restart taking medicine again. I didn't want to take them anymore but since I have stopped with them I am feeling worst everyday. So I have an appointment next Thursday.
As soon as I found out the OW was in my house my husband painted our room, change the positions from the wardrobe, threw away the bed sheets etc. it helped a lot but anyways it is very hard.
I'm taking care of myself. I have lost 44 pounds since February 2015. Before everything has happened I was really unhappy. I knew something was wrong with my marriege I just had no clue what it could be. I got so fat after my second baby. I was feeling like an old lady even though I was 34. I even didn't like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. But now it is different. I like what I see. I have learned with this whole crap that I can not "forget" about myself!!!
Thanks again for the message. I hope all the best for you as well!!!
Rafa, I'm so sorry for all you've gone through and for the pain you're in but glad that you found us. You have been traumatized. The trauma of his refusal to speak with you when he was in Mexico, the trauma of the video, the trauma of taking two young children to Brazil while he carried on in your home, ON TOP OF THE TRAUMA OF THE AFFAIR!!! You have been through hell so it's not at all surprising that you're in pain, especially now that you're attempting to rebuild your marriage. It takes a long time to heal from betrayal. And your husband has made it very difficult for you to even begin to trust him again. He compounded the first betrayal with many others, consistently ignoring your pain so that he could continue with his affair. No therapist should ever even imply that his affair is your responsibility. No matter how horrible your marriage may or may not have been...the choice to cheat is COMPLETELY his. The choice to continue when you begged him to return home is COMPLETELY his. So please please know that he must take full responsibility for the choices he made. And I hope he's doing some hard work on himself to figure out just why he risked losing everything that matters for a woman who didn't. Medication can certainly help you through the darkest days. And your days sound pretty dark. You don't have to be on it forever but given your comment re. wishing you were dead, you need to stabilize your emotions as much as possible. However much pain you're in, you've got two wonderful children who need you. Rafa, you get to set the parameters for reconciliation. Your healing is the most important thing. Figure out what you will and won't do right now. Perhaps intimacy with your husband is simply too much right now. Perhaps you need post-trauma therapy to help you get past the deep pain of the video. Whatever it is, YOU get to decide what happens going forward.
I assume now that we are dealing with the compulsive behavior of sex addiction. I am broken and furious and terrified. I had no idea that there was so much pain in the world. I don't want to leave him, that's the bald fact. I still love his lying, cheating ass. And we have built a home and a family together. I don't know how I could leave our children; I am their primary provider and caregiver. And I feel like I would be the one losing, in the end, my life, my home, my children, my dogs, my love... when he was the one who did something wrong. I want my life back, the one that I had before I knew. I know it's crazy, but sometimes I wish that woman had never told me, that I could be the person who loved her life, and who thought her partner was sometimes a bit of an insensitive flake, but a good man, a good partner, a good father. I don't know if we will make it. I only know how to keep breathing and to try not to drown. Thank you for being here with this wonderful site. I think I would honestly lose my mind if you ladies weren't here.
Alone and Hurting, I have SOOOO been where you are. I found years of deception, years of betrayal, years of gas lighting. There is no way to brace yourself for that level of pain. But...whether or not you make it as a couple, YOU will make it. Your husband's recovery will depend on his determination and willingness to completely come clean. In my husband's case, he'd become disgusted with himself. He hated himself. And he just didn't want to live like that any more. I knew that, even if I left, he would focus on his own recovery. That he wasn't doing it just for me but for himself. For his children. And while couples counselling is good (though I needed to wait awhile until he'd sought help for HIS problem before I was willing to look at OUR problems), you need a safe place to work through your own pain and to get clear on what you want and need going forward. Alone and Hurting, you are NOT alone. We've all been there and we know the devastating pain of betrayal. But so many of us are past the worst of it. Many many of us are able to look back with an acknowledgement that the pain took us somewhere else...somewhere good. In the meantime, we're here. And so are you. And you will get through this.
Alone and hurting Your bravery in sharing your story touched my heart! When I first found this blog, I found a lifeline to keep my head above water. I'm so sorry for the pain I know you feel. When I learned the truth about my h affair. I couldn't see the man I married 38 years ago. He was so lost in his mid life crisis and I was in grief from losing my sister. When I finished grieving the loss of my marriage, with the strength I gleaned from these other brave women I have come to know only through the stories of their heartbreak, I began to for the first time in my life put me first. It was a slow process to let go of my pain, anger, and dissapointment in my h. It's also been a process for my h to see the true magnitude in the amount of pain three people endured just because he needed to try different sex. It always seems to me that most men think with the brain between their legs. I'm glad you're getting therapy! I'm glad you found strength to tell your story! Knowing you are not alone is what helped me walk the path I'm on today! I'm hopeful that you too will find the path easier if we all help you as you are helping others with your story! Stay strong! Hugs! We understand!
My husband, Dick, cheated on me with a married woman, Jane. This affair led to the separation and (soon To come) divorce of the other couple, Jane and Joe. Dick and I have been having problems. Joe called me and we met. I wasn't surprised by the news. I thought Dick and Jane were having an affair though I could prove it and Dickinson was adamant that there was no affair.
After meeting with Joe, Dick fessed up and we decided to proceed with a divorce as well.
Dick and Jane are still seeing each other. Joe and I have been talking because we can relate. Through our repeated contact, Joe and I are beginning to develop "feelings" or something for each other.
Is this totally crazy? Am I totally insane for feeling and deep connection with Joe? I can't seem to find anything in any blog about others going through this type of thing. Im not sure what to do.
Anonymous, No, you're not crazy at all. You're finding comfort with someone who knows your pain better than just about anybody else. Just be careful that you don't confuse bonding over pain with romance. It can be tempting, of course, when our egos have been battered by betrayal, to seek assurance that we're desirable. But I would encourage you to take it slowly and build a genuine friendship that's based on more than pain.
This is a letter I wrote to the OW. I never sent it to her as I felt it would only give her satisfaction. I wrote this in my persoanl diary simply for myself and to get my feelings out..
To The Woman Who Ruined My Life:
I had as perfect of a life that you could hope for. I had a solid marriage, kids, beautiful home...until that day you decided to get my husband's phone number. You were not satisfied with your boring life and needed something exciting, so you stole my life. Your decision that day has altered my life forever. I no longer feel safe. Everything in my life, I was confident about. I dreamed of growing old with him, in our rocking chairs, playing with our grandchildren. But now, the man I thought loved me to the ends of the Earth, I can no longer trust or believe in. All that I thought was real, was a lie. My children will suffer the most. I grew up with no family, other than my mother, and swore I would give my kids a solid, stable home, with a mother and father. They had that until you came into our lives. Now, it depends on whether I have a decent day or a day that my fears and doubts creep in. You will never fully understand what you have done, but I can tell you it is the worst pain I have ever felt. You took a beautiful family and tore it apart, so you could have a little excitement in your life. Your husband believes all your lies and will never leave you for this. But I am a different person than your husband. I can't just push it inside and make believe it was just a friendship. I have tried so hard to do just that, but it still resurfaces. You destroyed the most precious thing in my life. My family. The family I dreamed of since I was a little girl and worked so hard to build. Not only that, but I will never be the same person I was before this. My faith in love and commitment and sense of self worth is gone. Before this, I was a feisty, opinionated woman, who was passionate about things going on in the world, justice, and whatever else got me all fired up. Now, I have no interest in anything. I have lost myself and don't know when or if I will ever get her back. My days use to be spent worrying about ballgames, getting ready for black Friday, or where we would go on vacation. Now, every morning I think of you. Who is she? What was it about her that stole his heart from me? What happened in those months? What did they talk about? What made him tell her he loved her? Did they sleep together? What inside jokes did they share?Everyday I think of the days of the past year. Where was I when they talked? Was I at our kids ballgame? Was I cooking supper for him to be ready when he got home? I think of the 4th of July and how you were right down from me, watching me and my kids, and I had no idea you existed. The weekend I spent with my husband at the lake, he was there physically, but his thoughts were with you. Our family vacation when he made love to me, then snuck off to talk to you because he couldn't stand to not talk to you for a week. This is the Hell I wake up to every morning. This is what I will live with the rest of my life. Just so you and he could have some excitement in your life. And all the while, you continue with your life as if nothing ever happened. Your husband believes in you, still loves you, and has taken you at your word. You continue on with your family in tact and your kids oblivious to what you have done. Meanwhile, my kids are to old to hide this from. They suffer the consequences of both your actions, as I do. Not sure from day to day, what may come of our family. You didn't just take my husband, you took my whole life.
Hazeleyes 11 I'm so sorry for the pain I know you feel! I'm glad you were able to write out to her how you feel and also glad you didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much pain she caused you and your children because SHE is so selfish SHE doesn't care one wit about you. I don't know how far out you are on this path, but I know that getting the anger for her out of your system does help. I'm two months away from two years and even though it's been up and down and all around emotionally, together my h and I are building a new life. Not easy not always pretty but with much more honest and open sharing of our feelings. The good the bad and the ugly have all had their turn in our lives. We've taken many steps forward and just as many backwards but we're sure we still love each other so together we're moving on and looking forward to spending our lives one day at a time. Hugs for you to find the strength to get through one more day!
Hazeleyes, Your pain is palpable. I'm so sorry. Please continue to read here and post and get it out. I know it feels like "never" and "forever" when we're first experiencing the pain of betrayal but please know that these feelings do fade. We can find our joy again.
Hazeleyes, I know all too well about that pain. Reading your letter is like reading my own. It is identical. I never thought the man I loved more than anyone and had been married to for 23 years would have an affair with a married little girl who was 23 years old. Not my favorite number I must say. It hurts my heart that there are so many of us in this club. It hurts me that all of us with teenage children who suffer from the selfish acts our spouses commit. I am 4 years post D day and still every day it feels like the first day as my mind thinks about the things they did together. Husband, unfortunately, came clean about all of the nasty disgusting details about their sex life about 2.5 years ago. It was like I had started all over again with the pain. I think about his old 50 year old self on top of that 23 year old child girl.It makes me sick when our oldest was almost 19 at the time. It has affected my job, my life, everything!!! I am sorry you have had to go through the same!!!
Today is a bad day. The damned surveillance site I use somehow suddenly was able to access all his deleted texts from the affairs in April, and now not only do I get to read his words, I get to know that this went on for nearly two months longer than I thought it did.
I used to be a writer and so I wrote a poem. I know that it is maudlin, but I also know that you ladies will understand.
The Half Life of Love
It is hard to believe that I am the only person who bears this. When I go to the download site, I feel like I shoul d see it trending: Wendell’s deleted texts, up six points from yesterday, soaring into the top ten.
I feel like someone should call me. Gah, the rugby too? They would say. For some reason we always felt like the rugby was safe. Sucks, girl. Let us know if you need anything.
Or I would see it in their eyes when they asked me how their child’s day went. I wonder what she did to him, that he would do such a thing. Must have been horrible for him. Dead bedroom, probably. She’s put on a lot of weight, not sure I’d want to either.
Junot Diaz is a good liar, and he won the pulitzer and lost his fiance to his cheating. The half life of love is forever, he said, but I want to know what the half life of pain is. I want to know how long I am required to sift this dirt from hand to hand and watch the silt that catches the light. I want to know on what precise date it will no longer hurt to know that you took another girl gocart riding.
I want to fight every mistress you’ve got, the ones with names like Amie (see, I can spell it properly now!) and Amber, and the ones named Frazier and Trailer Park Boys. I want to look like them with their pretty shaved pink pussies and their good production values.
I feel like the sound a dog makes when it’s been hit by a car and left to bleed in the snow. I feel like the high whine of water in a twig when it’s exposed to flame. It feels strange to me that other people can’t hear it. They hear Good Morning, and pretty good, how are you. I keep waiting for someone to call the police. I think someone might be dying in 713. There’s a noise that makes me feel like an empty can.
I want to hold a backyard funeral for darling and toots and dollface, tiny headstones, all in a row. A bouquet of flowers for Good Morning Gorgeous. A memorial garden, maybe, for our camping trip, for family pictures and Thanksgiving geese and birthdays and hayrides and every dream I ever had about who we are and what we could be.
You think I’ll hurt myself if you don’t watch? Honey, I’m already dead. I died in my classroom on a Wednesday with my phone trembling in my fingers. This is my wake. No one is invited. It’s just me here in this house of ghosts.
Alone and Hurting, Thank you for sharing your poem. Writing has had a way of helping me to get my feelings out. Mine had not been so much poetic, more just spewing out anger. But it is a release for me. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I remember those moments where you think you know more than you can bear only to find out more. There were days where I honestly believed I would never be okay again. I found so much strength here. Just hearing other people say they knew how I felt helped me to feel so much less alone.
Well, I guess it's time to share my story...even though I wish I didn't have a story to share here. June 10th 2016 was DDay for me. My husband called me at work after he went to a docters appointment, he was crying on the phone and I knew, at that moment what he was going to tell me. The moment he started his sentence, I knew I didn't want him to finish it, because that would make it real...and I don't want the reality, I much rather wanted a lie.
He had an affair for about six months with a mom from the school our daughter attends. They've had sex once ( in the woods accros from my house..) and they mostly had contact online through facebook messenger. I went in to complete survival mode after that...I wanted to fix everything, but mostly I wanted him to feel better... ( is'nt that totally weird?!) He confessed the whole thing, told me every detail I wanted to know, and also told me he had been drinken a lot the past few months. I had no idea!
We've been married for almost 3 years, been together for 9 years and our daughter is 5. My husband has some serious mental issues that have never been diagnosed or treated, we figured, over the past few month that he's likely to be borderline, which doesn't really help. He's finally agreed to get the help he really needs, so I'm happy about that.
The only problem is me, I can't shake it! I know it's only been 5 and a half months after the day, but I feel like I'm only now beginning to realize what had actually happend. I feel completly deppressed, even my daughter is to much to handle most of the time. I work full time, so he picks our daughter up from school every day when I'm at work, he sees the other woman every day! I can't live with that idea! I just can't! He knows that, and he understands, but there is no way arround it. He is doing what he can to make the situation slightly better for me, he stays out of her path, even though our daughters are in the same class.
Last year, at the christmas show for the school, he told me they where having eye contact with each other, I was standing right next to him! She was standing next to her husband....and they had been flirting? really? They finally got in contact with eachother after our daughter invited her daughter to her birthday party, I dropped her daughter of at her house after that, she was really nice to me....straight to my face, what kind of twisted person does that? When you know what you're doing behind my back?
I do feel like i've decided I want to make it work with my husband, even though the past 9 years haven't been much of a fun ride, with him being deppressed and all, I know, with the right help for him and myself, we can only get better in a while.
Part 2: The thing that bothers me the most is that she still has to be a part of my life for the next 6 years...(or until one of us moves out of town, and I'm hoping she does!) We see her at school, our daughters are friends...how can I tell my little girl she can't play with her friend because her friends mommy is a nasty tramp?
I can't get the images out of my head, the hurt, the lying, the idea that his hands touched her body...my self esteem is non exsistant at this point, she is fucking gourgeous, long dark hair, skinny...I haven't seen the inside of a gym in like....never! I'm not fat..not at all, but I'm not her! She is totally his type, both are in to the same type of music (death metal) her husband has the same name as my husband (weird much!) She has his name tattooed on her back, he saw that once...they both love playing videogames...the weird kind...and I'm the total opposite, pink dresses, happy music and videogames...no thank you, I'll read a book. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that? I'm mean, he says he doesn't want to be with her, he says he loves me, has always loved me, never stopped, and that there was never anything wrong with our marriage (Then why cheat you douchebag!) but how am I ever going to believe that he doesn't get warm fuzzy feelings everyday when he sees her at school? How the hell am I supposed to believe that he's not compairing me to her? He says he doesn't even want to be with somebody who has the same interest as he does...but yet he went for it...
A part of my story hasn't been published...., so this is part 3:
I'm trying to find some strenght to go on with this, to look at the future with hope that it has to be better than the past. But I just can't seem to find any strenght at all.
I really want to tell her husband, but he's the dangerous kind....My husband is afraid for our safety (and his own, obviously!) if he knew...I'm kinda with him om that one, but I just want him to know, so she can go trough the same shit we're going trough...revenge I guess...And I hope he puts the house up for sale to move her out of this town...
I'm a betrayed wife, trying to become a warrior, and I have no idea how to do is....How to I deal with the fact that he sees her everyday? How do I deal with the fact that my daughter wants her daughter to come to her new birthdayparty comming up in february? How in the world am I supposed to do it?
Help me with your wise words warriors....and help me become one as well!
Kiki You are so feeling like those of us who have found ourselves in this nightmare! Some of our stories are full of hope for a better marriage and others remain bitter and from what I've read is it truly is determined by the type h you are married to! I've seen some women working on themselves and assuming their h is working on themselves only to find that he's still the same lying cheating coward that cried so hard that he would be different! I've also read the success stories of the lucky ones that have a man really wanting to be a better man for himself first and then realizing that this in turn is better for both. I'm still working my way through this mess and for me it's been two years since dday and it's been nothing easy but just grit and determination on my part but most importantly the changes I've witnessed my h making for both of us to be better together and we firmly believe that the best is yet to come! Have you had therapy? I've found that for me this was imperative for my healing process and dealing with the pain of my family of origin. I can't imagine having to see this person that rendered such pain on a daily basis! I'm so sorry that you are having to live through this! Revenge by telling her h would only be temporary satisfaction for you and the repercussions from the other man's reaction are not worth it. How to become a warrior here happens as you begin to process the pain and learn how to be kind to yourself! Life isn't a competition and to compare yourself to that piece of trash that would secretly flirt with your spouse in front of her own isn't anything you want to be like! My h and I are having to learn how to share new things together and he fully understands that the old marriage and the little I was willing to settle for in regards to his time and his ability to be honest with himself as well as me is giving both of us hope that we've gotten to a better place in our relationship. I'm going to leave how to deal with the ow up to some of the others here because in our case we cut thie ow out of our life with a court order and there has to be a better way than our journey was! You get strength back slowly one day at time and I know how hard it is but you can do it! Hugs!
Kiki, The hurt and reality of what happened is devastating. Cheaters lie after they get caught. Don't automatically assume he is telling you the truth. After all this flirting, it is difficult to believe they only had sex once. Decide what you need to feel secure and safe for yourself. I believed for a very long time that my husband preferred the OW over me. Your husband is going to have to prove to you he doesn't. Of course your husband doesn't want you to tell the OW husbands. So what if he dangerous. Dangerous to you? No, your husband needs to own his shit. He needs to own this mess. It is not your mess to clean up. It doesn't sound like he is but rug sweeping what he has done. He is a cake eater. Excuses are lies. He needs to figure out WHY he did this. Set some boundaries with him as far as NC. Insist on total transparency such as social media passwords. Stay in the decterive mode for awhile. He sounds like he just isn't coming clean yet. I'm sorry to be so blunt. Can a neighbor or another mom pick your daughter up? You make the decisions that are right for you. He lost his chance. Take care of yourself be totally selfish. Even if that means acting crazy at times that is normal. Your heart has been stomped and smashed. Think of what he did to YOUR life. Why would you want him to feel better? He needs to show you he deserves a second chance. You don't need to prove that YOU deserve a second chance. You didn't do anything. It is not likely anyone is going to move so don't depend on that to be any solution. Knowing what I know now. 1. Tell her husband, he deserves to know the truth. I feel different about this than Theresa. 2. Set boundaries with your husband like transparency, no contact and how HE can prevent not seeing the OW. 3. Get tested for STD. 4. Get counseling ASAP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is beyond terrifying. Read the thoughts Elle has on boundaries. You can get through this and your stronger than what you ever know. Love to you and I'm sorry this has happened to your heart. Your husband is a shit to take a chance to through his lovely family away. He needs to earn it all back. Watch his actions not his words. A thousands hugs to you. Again I'm sorry.
I found out for sure that my husband had cheated on me on September 30, 2016. I received a post card in the mail on the 28th that I had a certified letter waiting for me at the post office. It said it was sent from an address in my husbands home town so I asked him if he knew who might have sent it and gave him the address. He said he had no idea. Later that night he told me he thought it might be from this woman's husband who had approached my father-in-law about my husband having an affair with his wife. My husband said this woman tried to kiss him while he was working at her house (he's an electrician) and he immediately left but just never told me because he thought I would be mad. He said she must have decided to make up an affair and tell her husband. He told me it happened 7 1/2 to 8 years ago. I got the letter the next day and it said that my husband and this guys wife had a long term adulterous affair while I was pregnant 6 years earlier. According to this guy his wife had at least 8 affairs and had recently tried to kill herself and later admitted to these affairs as an explanation for why she tried to kill herself. My husband kept denying that anything had happened but I struggled with whether to believe him because he had lied to me a lot in the past. He had a drinking problem and would lie about where he had been or if he had been drinking. Anyway, after 2 days of swearing on our children's lives and on his mothers life etc. that nothing happened he admitted that they "fooled around". He says it went on for 2 months and was physically intimate with her 2 times. Before that they were friends and had coffee and would bad mouth their spouses together. My husband's problem with me was that I had a problem with his drinking and he felt I was trying to control him. He stopped drinking this past June after a hit and run accident when he realized he had a drinking problem and we had a good 3 months until the affair came out. Now we have had the worst 3 months of our marriage. I feel so conflicted because things were finally better for us and he says he's really changed and that she meant nothing to her. He says he felt hatred for himself and her while the affair was going on. He says he was just so unhappy with his life it felt good to talk to someone about it. He said I wasn't paying enough attention to him because we had 3 young children. He says she made the moves on him but he went along with it. I have forgiven him for so much throughout our marriage. I knew we had a lot of problems in our marriage but I never thought he would have done this to me. I dont want to destroy the possibility of a great marriage but I really dont know if I can ever get over it. We have 4 kids which is weighing on me too. I dont want to ruin their lives if things could be good. My best friend pointed out that I wouldn't be ruining it, my husband did that. He says he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me, but he already seems tired of me talking about it. The other night we had a nice night but then later after I went to bed I felt sick thinking about it and cried for hours. His response was that we should stop doing date night if that is going to be my response. He later apologized but i feel like he just doesn't get what he needs to do to make me feel better. He also made a comment that he thinks it will probably take me 10 to 20 years to get over it. It's only been 3 months. I feel like he needs to be a little more patient and loving if there is even a chance. I keep trying to tell him what I need but he doesn't seem to do it consistently. If he is going to let me suffer through it on my own, we will end up apart. I still dont know who, if either is telling the truth about the timing. Not sure it matters or why either of them would lie about it. Thanks for reading.
Anonymous Jan 3 I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. It's horrible I know! Three months and he's ready to stop talking about it but for me that was when I needed to talk about it the most. The not sleeping and lack of appetite could have killed me but somewhere around the 8-9 month into our discussions, I began to listen to my h rather than the fantasy spewed at me by the ow. Actions of a remorseful spouse can either help our hearts to heal but just suppressing our pain will not lead to a better relationship! Therapy could help your h better understand why you have the reaction you are having on date night. I remember at least three major meltdowns that I had and each one lead me to a better understanding of what I needed to heal but these times were pretty hard for my h to get through. These are tough times in the early months. I wish I could make it go faster for you but it takes as long as it takes and he can't rush any of this! Hugs!
My H had 3 affairs. 1 in email that I caught before it got physical. 1 EA that included regular bashing of me + 2x sex over the course of 18 mos and finally an online dating mess that lasted a few weeks. We are in MC and both want to stay married. But I can see (2 days past Dday) he wants me to be over it. The affairs lasted in total 1.5-2 years but he wants me to be over it in 2 months?!?
Anonymous, Your husband has the mind of an addict and that is going to take time for him to stop thinking like one. His impulse to cancel date night if it's going to make you sound? Classic addict stuff. Better to avoid pain than feel it, right? Better to run away from conflict than face it, right? Better to numb feelings than feel them, right? Better to blame someone else for lousy choices than own them, right? It's wonderful that he's stopped drinking but unless he's in some sort of program or therapy to learn how to face life head on without the help of self-medicating via alcohol, then he's simply trading one unhealthy coping strategy with another. What do you understand about alcoholism? It might help you recognize that his affair had everything to do with his compulsive need to escape discomfort and his own self-loathing than anything you did/are. He cheated because he's a sick man. He found a sick woman with whom he could avoid his own shame for a bit. It had NOTHING to do with you. It had NOTHING to do with your attention on your kids. It had EVERYTHING to do with his shame and inability to manage/express uncomfortable feelings. So...where do you go from here? Well, you decide what feels right at this moment. What's your next right step. Not the one after, or the one after that. The next one. Do you want to separate to give yourself some space? Do you insist that he seek out a treatment program? Do you find a couples counsellor or an individual counsellor? Do you ask him to sleep on the couch for the time being? Do you set aside a prescribed time each week to talk over your feelings EVEN WHEN IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND THERE'S TEARS? You get to decide what happens next. It sounds as if he wants to stay married but is he willing to do the hard work of rebuilding a marriage that he laid to ruin with drinking and his cheating? Is he up to facing his shame and admitting what he's done and looking you in the eye every single day and seeing the pain there and knowing he caused it? That takes a big man. Is he big enough? He can earn back your respect and his own self-respect by owning up to what he's done. He's undoubtedly full of remorse but he needs to be able to talk to you about it. He needs to be able to support you in your healing. It will be really hard and he's going to need support for himself while he learns these new behaviours. And you'll have days when it feels hopeless. But if you don't give up on each other, you'll get there. If you choose to walk away, that's absolutely fine too. This is your life and you get to decide where you go from here. But you need to honour your own pain. You need to be kind to yourself and you need to feel safe enough to cry and cry and cry.
OMG Elle, you nailed it. "Better to avoid pain than feel it, right? Better to run away from conflict than face it, right? Better to numb feelings than feel them, right? Better to blame someone else for lousy choices than own them, right?" That has been my CH's M.O.! I hope the IC helps him recover.
Anonymous from Jan 3- abd Browneyedgirl too (although i know you have a counselor ---this is where a therapist can come in REALLY handy-crucial. Optimally it would be both of you, but if you can just get him to go "with you" to the RIGHT kind of shrink one time it would be so helpful. These guys really do think we are being dramatic (first he thinks it will take 10-20 years and then he's pissed that 3 months is too long). Sometimes hearing what you are going through from a 3rd person is what he might need to hear and even hearing it from a third person is helpful to YOU because it will remind you you are NOT insane or crazy, nor should anyone be expected to be over it anywhere close to 3 months after the fact. We had a FABULOUS shrink in 2014 in couples counseling who did just that, validated every awful feeling that I had-- but I did not know at the time that my husband was a sex addict or sexual compulsive (semantics--whatever) We just started with a specialist who actually pulled out a piece of paper and read off ALL of my emotions after D-day 2---withe me even having to open my mouth. Just asked me if these symptoms sounded familiar--YUP. almost all of our emotions and reactions are textbook--but no one knows, because no one talks about it. Well we talk about it here. Also try reading "after the affair" or if appropriate "your sexually addicted spouse" honestly to read that what we go through is REAL is such a relief. I wish you relief and so much more. OH BTW--none of this is your fault, not the kids, not your looks, not anything--you did not force him to take his penis to another womans house and make him put it anywhere--this was his terribly unhealthy choice. Its a bitch that we are the ones who have such a terrible fall out from it. Hugs to you.
I end up googling something and I found you guys. I probably have read all of the post trying to find calming peace for my head. I still feel very numb, cloudy, foggy in my brain...
Almost 1 week after dday... My h confess to multiple affairs over the last yearS. We have been married for a little over 5 years (11-2011), and realize he has been lying about almost for the last 4. After my h couldnt find work in the city I live, we agree for me move where he is. Long story short, it's didn't work for me and I came back 2 months later. He stayed put. Since we were really short of money, it took him almost 2 months to travel and come see me. And it all started then. OW #1 was a one night stand (03-2013). But then OW #2 went for multiple times and... she got pregnant (06-2013)! She decided to keep the baby. He's saying that he ask her to not keep the baby, that he was already married and would not go with her, but she wanted a baby girl (she has already 2 boys). All this time, we were trying to have our first baby! So basically, he got somebody pregnant before me, his wife! So that baby was born 03-2014, and my son 10-2014. How can you keep this secret? A baby girl was born, he's the father, and I didn't know about it?! As all the others CH, he said he loves me and didn't know how to tell me... OW #3 happen when I was pregnant with our second baby (08-2015). After looking at our phone bill and noticing a phone number coming back over and over, I mean 10-15 times a day, plus for very-very long minutes, I confronted him. Of course, I got accused of snooping around, in my own bill! He confess of talking to this girl but noting else. I was suspicious of more but i decided to give him the benefit of the doubt since i had no more evidences. Since I was getting fed up with our situation and being by myself, taking care of a 1 year old baby, pregnant, and working full time, I told him that he had to make a choice. Either to leave us, or come back and live with his family. He chose to come back, and has been with us ever since (12-2015)
But now, for him, he believes he's been working at his mariage for a year now. That he's past this, that he wants to be with his family, that he knows he messed up big and he's asking for forgiveness. He's saying that it was only sex, he never wanted relationship with them.
Now, I am struggling to find sense in all of this. Of course, I ask all details I could think of. I cry myself to sleep. Mat leave is ending this week and I am due to return to work next week. I just feel like a big mess. I am trying to change job and can't imagine doing interviews with a foggy brain right now.
All of this truth because before xmas I was reminiscing and asking myself why I was not super happy with my year 2016? It had been a good one since we had baby girl #2, bought our first house, and even with all this, I still had a sour taste in my mouth. So I mention this to him, and maybe there was something over our head stopping us from having a good break with work, finance, etc. WOW was I on something big!
Hope it makes sense what I am writing... I am meeting a therapist this weekend for me, I will find that silver lining.
NatLey, I'm sorry I missed your post until now. I hope your appointment with a therapist was helpful. And yes, you will find that silver lining. I hear over and over and over again on this site that the husband, the one who cheated, seems to think he gets to set the timeline for when we're supposed to be "over it". That's ridiculous. Of course you're struggling with this. It doesn't matter if it was "just sex". That isn't the point. The point is he lied to you. The point is he went outside your marriage and you weren't informed at any point. The point is he has proven himself untrustworthy and that's terrifying to the woman he's married to. He doesn't get to tell you that your feelings aren't valid. If he's sincere about wanting to rebuild his marriage, then he's got a lot of work ahead of him, starting with learning how to support you in your pain and with figuring out why he kept cheating on you. He got a woman pregnant, for god's sake. This is no small thing. You're dealing with so much -- new baby, going back to work, plus the excruciating pain of betrayal. Be gentle with yourself. Your needs are valid. You need support.
Thanks Elle, comforting words today. It's has been a tough day yesterday, and today is no different. We had a good couple last days. But those good days, everything seem unreal...
I found a church close to our home for him that feels much more like he had before coming to live here. I am not a big church person but I always said that i could go to support him. We went last sunday, and he cried so many time during service. But all i could ask myself looking at him and seeing him in pain is, why-why-why? why being so foolish and knowing it would cause so much pain, for sex?! They have sessions for mariage at that same church, and I ask him if he wanted to go and he said yes. I am ok to go and see where it can take us.
My D-Day was October 13, 2012 as my husband was in the shower getting ready for work and my then 13 year old daughter came to me to tell me that I needed to check her dad's text messages on his phone since she was concerned about the messages. I had no idea what I was about to experience since my husband of 22 years at that point would NEVER do anything like that. He was father of the year and a wonderful yet quite neglectful husband after all the years with running 3 kids around for 19 years. I opened the phone and was devastated at that very moment. I could not believe what I was reading. I was more devastated knowing my young daughter had been reading their texts for over a month and seeing their disgusting sexting pictures to one another. My daughter, who was a huge daddy's girl, carried this burden for all that time which must have felt like an eternity because she did not want to hurt me like that and was confused. My two sons, then 18 and 15, were just devastated as well. I went into the bathroom and opened up that shower door and asked him who Sam was!!! He had the nerve to tell me I had not right to look at his phone which I might add that I paid for monthly since he was a cop and made no money. I ran out of the room and proceeded to go outside to call her # and scream at her to stay away from my husband!!! He fought me for the phone in front of our two younger children who were like deer in headlights!!! He stood a nose length away from our children to say that stupid statement that I am sure we all here have heard!!! WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!! and I am in LOVE with her. My 50 year old husband was a police sergeant that was well respected and had been there for almost 24 years.
He was teaching classes since he was an EMT instructor in the evenings to help out a little through the bad end of the downed market. I had no idea that second job would be the very thing that rips my heart to shreds!!! The whore was a 23 year old little girl who obviously is sick in the head and has daddy issues since she had a nice looking 24 year old husband of one whopping year at home with a working penis unlike my old gray headed overweight severe diabetic husband with ED!!! I could not believe it!!!! I hired a friend of mine who is a PI who thankfully did not charge me one cent to follow him and that whore. I tapped my husband's phone and unfortunately have thousands and thousands of texts that would start at 6 AM to midnight every single day like a teenager!!! It was sickening as I would go to my mother's house with my two younger kids every day to give him enough rope to have that freedom to hang himself!! I was a PI before I had children and knew no matter my emotions I had to contain myself an get my kids under control so I could get what I needed to go t court to hang him!!!! I was a child growing up who watched a father continuously committed adultery. I watch my poor mother suffer so much through the years before they finally divorced then my father being the snake he was married a little girl 24 years old so can you imagine how I felt to now I married a man like my father who also was sleeping with a young girl. Here I was 46 years old at the time and my husband was having an affair with a nasty whore exactly half my age. Boy, what a self esteem killer!!! I can never look 23 again after having 3 kids and living life!!! I came home after a week off driving myself crazy secretly getting all of this evidence I needed and confronted him when I, after reading those secret text messages, knew he was heading to meet with her that evening. What you have to know is this is a man that felt so convicted about his belief in God and would just condemn every single cop who was a nasty adulterer his entire career!! Now he became the very thing he harshly condemned!!! I told him I did not care if he just took his gun and just killed my at that moment however the pain he bought to our children was unforgivable. I went on to tell him what how the oldest was driving around the city looking for him when he was with that whore so he could beat the hell out of him and hated him, how our younger son never wanted to speak to him again and wished he was dead, and how our daughter, the daddy's girl, was calling him by his first name because she said he was not her dad anymore!!! All of a sudden he dropped to his knees and begged for forgiveness. I had not expected that. I had only come home to kick him out!! My whole life flashed before my eyes as a kid of this garbage and how divorce just messed my brother and I up.
I made a choice that I am still not sure is the right one only because I wanted to save my children!!! I told him I needed to know everything i order to start healing and working on everything. He lied of course and said he had only gotten ONE blow job but it was just kissing. I was like a deer in headlights myself and though at least thank God he did not stick his penis in her because it would be over at that very instant. I thought maybe I could deal with my own Monica Lewinsky but I believe down deep I was lying to myself to protect my brain and heart from further pain because I knew down deep what the truth really was. His words were I already told you that and am in trouble so wouldn't you think I would tell you if I had done more?? Famous last words!!! For over a year I drove myself crazy, following him, tapping his phone, watching his every move. Thankfully he did retire from the police department 2 months after caught him only to go to work at the fire department which still gave him that freedom to carouse !!! Something just ate at me and ate at my inner soul telling me to find out the truth!!! I later asked a lady who I knew worked a hotel that they would constantly talk about over and over in their texts if she could check to see if either if them were ever registered staying there. Of course, she tells me what day and time the whore had gotten the hotel room for them to meet to have their first sexual encounter. What a freaking pedophile is how I think of him now!!!! Disgusting screwing a girl 30 years younger!!!! Almost the age of our children!!!! This discovery was a year and a half after we sat in church and went through counseling as he lied through his teeth in church to people and the counselors. My heart changed at that moment that everything came out!!!! I do not know how to function as a person anymore. I let it affect my work. I almost lost my home and my car. I almost lost everything because of him. By the way, he was stealing money from us and using it to be with her prior to the D day. POS, here I was having to ask my mother to help me get groceries to feed our three kids and paying her back as I got paid.
This has been the most miserable time in my entire life over the last 4 years. I have gone from being a hurt dead dog beat down to being just damn mad now!!! I think I have just come back to my self. I did have sex with him every single day from D Day to about 8 months ago to keep him from screwing around which I do not know what I was thinking. Just lost my mind for a little while. But now I just do not want him to touch me and it just disgust me the very thought of being intimate with him. I forced myself even though I did not want to for those 3 years and now just cannot do it anymore. We were always sexually active even during his affair and that is why I cannot understand why he did it!!! I am just so beside myself anymore. I get up every morning and just ask God why he will not just take me now so I no longer have to deal with the pain of the person who was the only man I ever trusted, the only man who ever saw me naked, the love of my life and my best friend!!! I get mad with God for making me live another day. I am now 50 almost 50 and here I am too old to even think about starting over with some other POS who would probably hurt me too. My kids have serious trust issues. My daughter will never trust men just as I was. Only, I did trust one unfortunately. I am stuck and do not know how to deal with this anymore. I have been all alone dealing with it. He just goes on as if nothing ever happened and tells me I need to get out of the past!!! Hello, 4 years is nothing compared to how I have wasted 26 years at this point in my life with a man who is a lying cheating adulterer whore!!!! I feel lie my whole life with him has been a lie!!!! I hate my life!!!! This man whom I trusted so much told this little girl every intimate detail about not only our life and our children's but my life growing up, about my rape as a teenager to even the color of my pubic hair!!!! I just cannot deal with the thoughts in my head anymore of seeing his big ass on top of her in my nightmares at night!!!!
Tracy, I am so so sorry for everything you've gone through. It might have been four years ago but it sounds as though the healing has barely begun. It sounds, from your description of your monitoring him and having sex with him, that you've been outwardly focussed -- on trying to control him rather than heal yourself. It's completely understandable. Here's the thing: What has he done to show you that he deserves this marriage? I understand the impulse to protect your kids but they know what's happened. Staying with him to simply fake a happy home isn't helping them at all. And it's certainly not helping you. Everything you're describing, from the hyper-vigilance to the control sex to the mind movies, is "normal" under the circumstances. But it's not healthy. Not for you and not for your kids. I would really really encourage you to find a therapist who can help you unpack all this pain -- to really work through it -- so that you can make a choice about the rest of your life. Two things I want you to absolutely trust me on: His cheating had NOTHING to do with you. His cheating isn't about what's wrong with you ti's about what's wrong with HIM. And the other thing: You are fifty years old and the mother of three children, plus a former PI. You are badass and you've got plenty to offer the world. You've been beaten down over the years to the point where you no longer see your own value. And that's got to change. Your children need you. And the world needs you. So...get yourself a therapist who will help you work through this trauma. And make no mistake, betrayal is trauma. And keep us posted how you're doing. You're among friends here Tracy. You're among women who know what you're going through and many who've come out the other side.
Tracy, you will figure this out it just takes as much time as you need. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that time that could have been spent on you instead of H and OW. It sounds like extended PTSD you are experiencing that is unresolved. Get in therapy and learn some coping mechanisms and self compassion. You will get your two feet on the ground when you start to focus on what you want. He made his choice now it is your turn to be in control of you. You have some great skills that you probably have forgotten about. Think about all of you that was let go, little by little and start a plan on how to get you back. I can't believe your husband hasn't reach out to help his kids. I demanded that my H call each one of our to apologize. Not all is well with his relationship with his kids but that is on him. My husband is military and he had to learn what is good for the troops does not translate it will,work in a marriage. In therapy he had to learn how to be a good husband. If your husband is an action junky like mind he needs to unlearn something's too. You are stronger and smarter than him. When these qualities have time to bubble up to your surface you are going to be fine. Concentrate on you and only you now. It is the only way to get through this.
I suppose my biggest issue is that I could have dealt alot better with the affair if it had been a female close to our ages instead of a little whore almost 30 years younger than the husband. When he finally told me all the dirty details which made me absolutely lose my mind I rented the hotel room they first had sex in and made him screw me there and told him he would have a new memory there!! Then out of my pain and crazy thinking I made him take me to every place they parked like little teenagers and made him screw me in the car just like he did her!! I think we all just lose our minds during the beginning of the trauma!!! I met her in person when I went to her and her husband's home to tell her to stay away from my husband. It made it worse that she answered the door in a onsie like my children used to wear, you know the ones that your feet go into and it zips up!!! She looked like she was 12 years old. She did not look like a 23 year old these days looks like. It was heart breaking!!! Ouer insurance will not pay for the counseling and we have been kicked out of two different marriage church groups and one marriage group class at church called Re|Engage which is supposed to help couples who are struggling because they said I was not forgiving my husband!!! Of course, the head person was a cheating offender as well so I guess it hit home for him!! How about his forgiveness, huh???!!!Not very Christianlike and made me not want to go back t church. Here I am again with insomnia at 3:50 AM because I do not want to sleep next to him so he will not grope me and I do not have to think about him touching her as he touches me. I feel like I have PTSD. I can tell you that I survived being raped at 15 years old. I would rather be raped over and over than to have my husband give me this pain!!! I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!!! I wish that I could just die than to live another day knowing what the person I considered the love of my life and my best friend did to me and our 3 kids. I am a new grandma too which only makes it worse considering I also caught my son's girlfriend cheating on him then he decided he would be like me and forgive her then she popped up pregnant. I made her have a paternity test hoping my son could get away from that girl but the child is his. I love that little baby but I hate knowing my son has been through a horrible heartache like me. He did quit judging me and telling me that I need to get over it and on with life since he now understands that it is not that simple. My kids are scarred for life. I know because I was also that child whose father was a nasty whore with young girls. My daughter told me she would like to go to a therapist as well. It killed me when she told me she wanted to kill herself not long after she had caught my husband having the affair since she felt like she let me down by waiting over a month to tell me. She is 17 now and was 13 at that time. I told her she was a little girl and could not carry that burden. There is no way to ever know if she could have prevented it or not. At the time I caught him he had only started having sex with the whore 2 weeks prior so this is why my daughter felt that way which only infuriates me with the husband for hurting my baby like that!!!!! I have so much anger inside me and rage at times!!! I do not know how to deal with this any longer!!!!
Tracy, You feel like you have PTSD because you do have PTSD. Many betrayed wives experienced it and many therapists work with women to help them deal with it. I think betrayal, on top of earlier trauma (ie. rape), can be ever more devastating because it triggers that earlier trauma too. And while I completely understand your anger -- you have every reason to be furious -- at a certain point the anger only ends up hurting you. You're going to need to figure out how to heal yourself before you can consider forgiving him. I'm sorry those marriage groups can't respect your position because asking a wife to "forgive" before she's welcome is wrongheaded and utterly unhelpful. This isn't about forgiveness so much as it's about healing. I don't even know if I've "forgiven" my husband. I do know I've allowed him to show me that he can be a better person than he was. I would really urge to find a therapist you can afford. There are some who will allow payment on a sliding scale. If your husband can afford hotel rooms with the woman he was cheating with, you can certainly spend $ on someone to help you manage your fury and turn it into empowerment. Keep reading here. You'll find lots of great support and advise from incredible women. But start, Tracy, by learning to breathe through your anger. Don't act on it. Just breathe through it. Be conscious of your thoughts spiralling away on you and remind yourself that, right now, you're safe and you're strong and you will get through this. Teach your daughter to do the same thing. Remind her that she's strong and safe. Show by example that people can be hurt and they can rise up. Consider taking up running or some other way of getting rid of that physical rage. You can do this, Tracy. But stewing in anger isn't going to get you anywhere.
I am sorry you had a bad experience with the program at the church but please consider trying one at a different church or a different faith based program in addition to counseling. For CH & I we need all of it: IC, MC & the broken marriages retreat. The one we went to was a peer ministry so it really helped me to hear other couples decades out from infidelity who have repaired, restored & renewed their marriages.
Forgiveness is a process, it is not black and white. You can't just forgive because you want to (that's just where to start). I knew early on after learning of the betrayal that whether I stay or separate I eventually wanted to forgive my CH because it is my only way to my own peace. Our forgiveness of them is for our own healing. It's a gift to yourself first and them second. God's forgiveness is for the CH's. So, someday I will forgive my CH. I don't know when that will be. I'm only 11 weeks out from DD and I think I'm somewhere in the 25-50% range of forgiveness. At first it was much closer to 0! Then he truly started showing repentance and asked for my forgiveness several times. That helped move it along. Then we went to the retreat weekend and that helped a little more. Some days I/we have a bad day and I go backwards! It will take a long time to get to 100% because what he did was so enormous I can't even process it all.
My husband cheated when I was pregnant with my daughter I catch him over his phone they were texting from some months from April to August and they had sex around my daughter due day June 5 ,I went back to him because we have 2 children and because my mother in-law is drying due to pancreatic cancer and I feel guilty to take away the kids now she needs us together but there's times I feel like I don't want him to touch me anymore Everytime we have sex I see him with the other women in my head by the way in the messages were very grafic and they say what the did to each other and he told me everything they did and he finished 2 in her without protection that's what hurts me the most he didn't think about me and getting me an STD which I don't have thank God ,he says it was only once but I don't believe him they were planning to see each other again around the time I busted him by the way the we're trying to have sex again around June 18 when my daughter was born he didn't stay in the hospital with me probably was trying to have the apartment for the 2 of them but in the texts the other women couldn't go because she worked that day I feel so disgusted by him when we kiss I don't feel like kissing him back Everytime he leaves I feel good I don't have to put up a fake smile , I don't feel the same anymore I feel I rush by coming back to him and that need more time but at the same time we have 2 kids and I grew up without a dad and I don't want them to suffer ,I don't know what to do by the way the other women is like in her 30s and I am 25 I feel like she did him better them me that's why he we as with her
By the way I live in a very little town and my culture is very sexist (Mexican)I live in southern California and my culture is very to the male side and to them it's OK if you cheat being guy but for women is not the same , for example my in-laws are very traditional and we're pressuring me to go back to him and omg my mother in-law I know she's very sick but she wasn't on my side she told me that probably it won't be the last time and that I needed to sacrifice myself for the well-being of my kids and if not I would and up like most single moms from a guy to another ,I was very offended by her I finally understood that there were never are gonna be my side even if he was the one who did me wrong for that I feel very pressure every time I try to talk to him about my feelings he gets mad if I want to check his phone ( by the way he agreed to many condition at the beginning ) he gets mad I'm like if ur not hiding anything you shouldn't get mad when I ask for your phone ,I am really tire of trying I feel that if he cheats again I don't care if it's only by text I'm gonna leave him this is ridiculous were not even 3 year married and I been cheated already I feel mad at him even though has almost 6 months ago when I busted him I'm still mad and the worst thing is that he makes me feel bad about being angry
I don't know what to do I feel like if I leave him I'm afraid my kids are growing up without a dad but I'm afraid I will live a life unhappy with someone I can't even trust how can I trust him after what he did and he stills don't let me touch his phone I don't know if I love him anymore I'm just tired of his immature ass he's going to be 30 this year but I am afraid he might cheat again and I'm pregnant with baby no3
Heartbroken Carmen I'm so so sorry for the pain you feel. I suppose I understand some of what you say regarding the Hispanic double standard for males. Our daughter was with a man from this culture for five years struggling to understand his selfish choices that rarely considered my daughter and their children's needs other than providing a roof over their head and food to eat. This relationship began when my daughter was just a freshman in college. She worked hard to finish her degree, worked two jobs to help his family and as you know in this culture, male dominated needs first. She was the one that had a relationship with another man and as you say, unforgivable for the woman. They separated and share joint custody. In the four years since that relationship ended, she has met and married a wonderful man that loves her and the boys and puts their needs first. She finally has her happy ever after. Now I also understand your conflicts over tearing the family apart during the crisis of family illness. My daughter had the same situation with his father. I think that's why she stayed in the relationship as long as she did. Now for you I have this advise. If he wants the relationship with you to last, he will have to swallow his pride in regard to the phone. He lost his right to privacy and it doesn't matter his culture. Six months in is still raw hurt angry feelings. They don't last forever but being pregnant, your emotions are normal. Another thing I know about Hispanic men, they are very protective of their offspring. Remind him that this emotional time could bring harm to the unborn child, it tends to cause a high blood pressure when we're under the stress of betrayal. The trust issue doesn't come up until he proves he can be trusted. None of us hear can be sure our h won't do this again. Many here have the kind that had done this many times. You have choices but I think for now, you just wait and watch his actions. You will know if and when a different choice has to be made! Hugs!
So I've just been admitted to the club that I guess no one ever wants to join. It hasn't even been 48 hours since my world fell apart. We've been together for 9 years married for nearly 7 and he has been cheating on/off for 4 1/2 years. We have a 4 1/2 year old and 3 year old. It's taken two days to get the whole truth out of him, and I had to find texts to find out about the final one and even then he lied and said it was just messages and phone calls. He was with her for a year. He said he loved her in his messages. I have no idea how to stick a brave face on for the world when all I want to do is fall apart. He says he loves me and didn't love her and wants to work on this but how do you get past the pain. I had a new baby when he was with the first one, he had another baby with me following which I had a major bleed and nearly died and that didn't make one bit of difference, he still found another woman. He has told his mother who thinks it's my fault because I let him work away (fly in fly out), because it's too much to expect him to be faithful for 8 weeks. How do I tell my mum this, I feel so ashamed and I don't know why because I did nothing but love him every day for 9 years.
Unknown I'm so so sorry you had the reason to find this blog but glad you did! It's a safe place to vent your pain and get advice on moving forward. At the time of my h affair, we were living in separate houses due to his job and my need to help our daughter through a difficult custody battle. My h came 'home' to me/us each Friday but yet he managed to keep his bed warm by bringing his ow home to live with him for two months. She knew he was married but she kept the affair going even after I moved into his work house. Together we are now making this a home. I'm not sure his mother has a right to blame anyone that this happened as you certainly did not pull his penis out of his pants and stick it in another woman! These were his selfish choices and it's up to him to figure out why he made those choices. I also felt ashamed if the knowledge that my h, my hero, had been busy having passionate sex with someone else Monday through Thursday during a really rotten time in our relationship. In looking back at those years, I remember him being stressed and unhappy with himself. When he bought me a car to transport my large lab and built me a fence for her to live in, I was over joyed that our marriage could begin to heal from living separate that year. Well surprise to me! He continued his affair from fear of her telling me for an additional year but ended the physical part five months before she blew my world apart! You ask how you get past the pain. That depends on how your h is acting towards you now. But it takes time to adjust to the emotions you are feeling from learning about his selfish choices. It takes a lot of time and you start by understanding this is not in no way at all your fault! He's chosen these things and now wants you to forgive and go back to being married. Well again it takes time and hard work on his part to prove he's worth your efforts! His mother doesn't get a say of any kind in your marriage. If you can, find a good therapist to help you wade through your feelings! Hugs! I know how hard this is!
Unknown Feb 14th, If he capable lying, don't automatically think he told his mother the entire truth unless you were there. Why would he tell his mother so quickly? Was that so he could tell HIS version before she saw your pain? I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are in shock right now. The road before you is long and it is like getting a knock out punch. Somewhere in this site is a list of questions you can ask him to really get to the means and motive. It is a starting point. He has to go no contact with his woman period,end of her. My therapist refuses to help any couples where he is seeing OW. She said there is usually a zero chance of recovery. Insist on all his passwords. Look at all the bank statements. There is a program called Mr Phone that I just heard about were you can get deleted texts. I'm so sorry. Take your time, don't make any decisions right now because you probably aren't rational and that is ok. Do whatever you need to do for YOU. He shit in his Cheerios already, lost his chance to decide what is right for you. Hang in there. The shame is on him not you. You didn't do anything wrong. Do let him tell you it is your fault because it isn't. From his mothers reaction he sounds like a master at manipulating so stay strong and true to yourself. Take care of you. Make him work for a second chance and you see if he is worth it and deserves it. Love to you and I'm so sorry. Get into therapy asap, you can't do this by yourself. Let him take care of the kids, go somewhere and read every post every word on this site. I promise it will help you. Let us know how you are doing.
In January, I knew something was going on with my husband. He was withdrawing, said that he wasn't happy with his job, with being out in the garage (he's a car guy), with our marriage. I was shocked. I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. I kept thinking that something was going on, but when I would confront him about it, he'd say, "If I were cheating on you, I'd have the balls to admit it." Famous last words.
The last week of January, he left our home, said he wanted out of the marriage. I was completely and totally devastated. Said he needed a few days to think. Well, a few days stretched out into a week. He would come over and we would talk. But I knew that he wanted out, he just didn't have the guts to tell me. So finally, we decided to divorce and stop hurting each other. I felt relief, knowing that we would still be friends because he was my best friend.
Then last Tuesday came. My 16-yr-old daughter and I were downstairs, hanging out, when she said, "MOM. Look at THIS." She was looking at her iPad, which was still synced to her dad's iPhone. There were nude photos of a woman on it. I was absolutely livid. This was the same woman who's car my husband had fixed three months ago, the one who friended him on Facebook, he said, so they could "talk about her car." What a fool I was.
As my husband had, just that day, moved into an apartment in a town 20 miles away, I went to confront him. I had just gotten out of the shower and was in my pajamas, but I didn't care. The anger I felt burning inside me was such that I knew I could *never* wait until morning to confront him. But when I got to his apartment, surprise, surprise, he wasn't home. I waited around for awhile, then drove home, talking to my mom the entire way and bawling my eyes out. I sent text after text, left voicemails with him, but he didn't answer. When I got home, I threw all his clothes on the lawn.
The next morning, he called and demanded to know why his phone had been blowing up with messages. So I said, 'You got caught.' He DENIED it, said that he wasn't cheating on me. I said, 'I have the photos to PROVE it." He got very quiet. I laid into him, calling her every name I could think of. And honestly? I couldn't understand WHY he would go for someone like HER. She looked like the poster child for STDs! It was horrible!
That night he came over to pick his clothes off the lawn and get the rest of his stuff. And when he came in, I vented my anger. I told him everything I thought. I didn't stop. I got it ALL out. He said that she had pursued him, and he didn't do anything to stop it. She knew he was married. She KNEW what she was doing. She has three young kids and I KNOW he doesn't want to be a stepdad. He said, "I'm not planning on staying with her." The whole thing just floored me. And apparently he did NOT have the balls to tell me he was cheating on me. Such a sniveling coward.
And after he left and the anger was gone...I collapsed. I wanted to check myself into the hospital because I simply couldn't cope. My daughter called my mom and she came over to sit with me and I eventually came out of my shock.
My daughter refuses to talk to her dad and especially refuses to talk to him since he is still seeing the OW. I hate her. I despise her. I want to gouge her eyes out. Today I found her mailing address and I wrote her a letter, but I don't know if I'll send it.
The pain is unbelievable. We are getting a divorce. 18 years. I stood by him through SO MUCH. And he does this to me. I am devastated by his betrayal. Utterly devastated. His first wife cheated on him so I never thought he would do this to me. But he did.
I went and saw a lawyer today and I'm also going to see a counselor. I also went and got tested for STDs - thankfully, they all came back negative. There is no hope of reconciliation.
I am strong. I will be okay. I just have to get through this. But it hurts so, so, so bad.
There is strength in your pain, I can hear it. You sound stronger than I felt so soon after Dday. It does hurt SO bad. I am so sorry your daughter had to learn about what a selfish cheater her father is in such a devastating way. It sounds like you are surrounded by a good team with your daughter, mother, counselor, doctor & lawyer. You will get strong and after you do don't be surprised if your CH finally realizes what he lost and comes crawling back.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Please know you're among women who've been exactly where you are. Who didn't think we could survive another minute, let alone a day, a week, a month. Who couldn't imagine that the day would come when we would be okay, even good. Please know you will get there. But first....it's gonna hurt like hell. Don't do anything that might land you in jail or with any charges against you. Forget about this OW (I know, I know, not easy). She just made herself available. That's it. This is on your husband. Please consider getting yourself and your daughter a counsellor so that each of you can work through the pain of betrayal. She was betrayed by a father she thought was better than this. And that's devastating to learn at any age, but especially as a teen. You also need support as you go through the emotions. Anger can be good because it can keep you moving forward as you go through a divorce. But at a point, it becomes toxic. Behind that anger is a whole lot of hurt and fear. Focus on that. Let yourself feel it. But trust that you'll get past it. Hang in there, Anonymous. I promise you will get through this.
I'm sorry I haven't been back to reply to you, Elle, or Browneyedgirl, but I wanted to say thank you for your comments. I've been in therapy the last few months as has my daughter. I'm doing much better, but it still kicks me in the teeth sometimes when I think about the two of them together. We are divorcing and it will hopefully be final this month or next. I want it done and over with. I hate that I miss him; I hate that I am always wondering if he's dating someone new. But thankfully, those days are few and far between. I'm so glad for this site. In fact, because of your site, I learned about the Infidelity Hurts Virtual Conference and I am going to it! Thanks, Elle, for all that you do here.
Anon 8:45. What a coward is all I think of saying. You will think the pain will never stop. Your life just exploded into front of you and your daughter. I remembered the feeling too well. Let him wallow and have that skank. If she has three children, it won't take him long to realize what he lost. I read this over and over about who think the grass is greener. Take care of you and your daughter. I grew up in an affair home, the best thing is just to listen to your daughter and talk openly. You will get through this, Anyone who would throw his clothes on the front lawn and try to confront him in PJ's is one hell of woman. You have great common sense - counselor, lawyer and physician.
Thank you, Lynn Less Pian! My daughter and I are both in therapy and it has helped tremendously. As far as I know, he's not with the OW as he has no plans of being a stepfather. Things are getting better day by day. :)
I have been with my husband over three decades, and married for 27 years. We have two kids together, now young adults living on their own. There are far more details than space to write them all out, but here's the condensed version of my story - About 15 years ago I started suspecting an affair - classic signs like shutting the computer down when I walked in, always trying new things sexually, whispered phone calls, very protective of his phone, late nights at work, etc. I kept asking if he was having an affair but was always told absolutely not - he wouldn't do that, wouldn't risk exposing me or the kids to an std. I kept all my suspicions to myself, never even voicing them to my best friend, because everyone thought we had the perfect marriage.... Finally, I said we either see a counselor or I'm done, because I just didn't believe he had been faithful. We had a few sessions with a counselor, who came to the conclusion that everything was in my imagination and that I needed to be "more sexually open" with my husband. I never went back. Every time we argued, about anything, all the old issues and hurt came back, and I would bring up the fact that he threw me under the bus to the counselor by agreeing that I was imagining things. He initially stayed calm, telling me that he would never cheat on me, then over the years started getting angry when I would bring it up, telling me that it was all my imagination and I was crazy. Fast forward 15 years, the suspicions are stronger than ever and I tell him that I don't want a divorce, don't want to break up our family, but something has to change because I can't live like this anymore. A few days later, he came home and said he needed to talk to me. I knew I was going to hear about the long-ago affair. He started talking, and there was so much more. Affairs with three different women over the last twelve years, lots of sexual innuendo with other women, and that claim that he would never expose me or the kids to an std? His saying "the kids" should have been a red flag to me at the time: he came into the relationship with an incurable std and never told me, even when I was pregnant. I was devastated, and kept asking if there was more. He insisted, swore, that he had told me everything. Except there was more disclosure over the next few days, details he had left out, like an affair before we were married (but living together). I asked every question I could think of, some of which I now regret knowing the answers to. We started seeing a counselor immediately, and found out my husband has a sex and porn addiction. We both found other individual counselors who deal with sex addiction, he is in group counseling and we both attend 12 step meetings. Over the next six months even more trickled out, then we had a formal disclosure, where I learned more details about the first counselor we had seen, 15 years ago. Turns out my husband had gotten a polygraph without telling me. He wrote the questions, wording them so he would pass, then called that counselor before our first appointment and told him he had not had an affair, he had a polygraph to prove it, and that I was crazy.
He swore at that point that I knew absolutely everything, and hoped that we could put it behind us, thought it would be a "new start" for us. After finding out the details about the first counseling sessions, I asked him to move out for a while to give me time and space to think. A couple months later, something prompted me to ask another question and he told me that the last time he had seen the last affair partner, (affair had ended several years earlier but they occasionally talked) he had hit on her and wanted to start things up with her again. She turned him down and 5 months later is when he felt "he couldn't live with the guilt any longer" and decided to tell me about the affairs. My life has been turned upside down. The level of deception and betrayal is overwhelming. I didn't know this kind of emotional pain was possible. He is remorseful and says he can't believe what he's done, he hopes we can work through this and stay married. I have consulted an attorney but am not ready to commit, either to a divorce or to staying in the marriage. I know that I will never completely trust him again, and that I will never feel the love for him that I used to. I've always wanted a marriage (don't we all?) where I felt that my husband was my best friend, that I felt confident he would always have my best interest at heart, and that he loved me as much as I loved him. I don't want to stay in a marriage out of fear that I will never find anyone else and be alone for the rest of my life. I also don't want to feel like last choice, or plan B, that he decided to come clean and work on his marriage because the one he wanted to be with doesn't want him. And I don't want to live in fear - that he will "relapse" and do this again..... It's been 14 months and I have been able to work through a lot of the pain and anger (rage) through counseling. I feel like my life is in limbo and I can't live like this much longer. I know the pain will never be completely gone. I look at him now and all I see the person who was capable of looking me in the eye and swearing that he was faithful, the person who was willing to make me think I was crazy rather than be honest about what he was doing. I see the other women, the horrific porn images that are forever in his mind...and pray that someday, somehow, I can get to the point that I don't think about this every waking minute.
I completely understand how you feel toward your H, heartinflight. I feel so similarly - love him but will never fully trust him again and don't think I can ever love him as deeply as I used to. He now tells me that he is "the luckiest guy in the world" (because I am giving him a final chance) and sometimes he goes on to say "I hope you feel lucky too". Um, no, I will never feel 'lucky' to be married to a reformed CH. He tells me that the COW was the worst decision of his life and I am "the best decision of his life" and he hopes I feel the same way about him. Um, no, I may someday be at peace with my decisions regarding our marriage, but 'the best decision', nope!
Hi Anon, i am sorry you are here. There are amazing ladies on this site, they forgive have compassion, understanding, the list is endless. Do you know what i think, i think these men are selfish people who should know better, getting off on what they do. i am 61 years old and i am trying to get over my H cheating!!! why are we going through this it is unacceptable AND i will never look or respect my H like i used to. They lie and cheat and its because they like doing what they do. I still dont know if i should have stayed!!! I am still waiting for something else he might be doing POP up from nowhere. No one knows the pain Anon unless they have experiented it like us. You are in good hands here, its a matter of time................ you will feel better xxxx
I always think that why stay with the W if they want to do what they do LEAVE!!! i know life isnt that simple but i think the fact that they have someone at home adds to the excitement of it all. Why carry it on so long!!! If it was me i would say i dont love you i am leaving!! I have great admiration for they ladies on this site, i still struggle with the whys and why fors but 2 years on i feel at least a little human, so will you xx
Heartinflight, like you I have come to discover my H is also a sex addict. Just know, as you 12 step like I do, do NOT let anyone put the co-dependant label on you. I must say my group is fantastic in this regard. We all agree "after hours" that it's impossible to be co anything to something you did not know was happening. Even if you had a feeling, a hunch, something, nothing can prepare you for this devastation that those actions and that freeking compulsion or disease brings into your life. The stories i have would curl your hair as I am sure yours would mine- I mean, your polygraph story floored me--how could that NOT be a red flag to a shrink? They can fool just about anyone, and that's scary. I feel fortunate (for myself) that I have found strength in my own journey. I had to wade like hell through the pain and hurt and lies to find it, but i found it. If you come to the conclusion that you cant live like this, that's OK. No one would condemn you for leaving. Unlike your "other" half, you have given this your best shot. I believe that you have. I think that my relationship is now stronger, but I don't think that everyone can live with this sort of history and continue the relationship. I'm not sure how I am doing it, but i am. i take solace in the fact, or at least the hope, that i am not being duped anymore. I know there are a lot of women in the world who are being fooled daily. and the one thing I cannot tolerate is humiliation. I hate that I know some things that I know, but I am glad they are not little fucking secrets he keeps to himself. I'm sure he has some, but I know enough. He's come a long way and has a long way, a lifetime to go, and so although I love him, at this point, our shrink says, it would be foolish to trust him completely so i feel fully vindicated in not and have no shame in there. Once trust is lost is much harder to earn it back. He can just keep working. I wish you some love girl.
Thank you, Browneyedgirl, Jilly55 and Steam, for the comments. I am so happy to have found this site. I'm past the stage (for the most part) of disbelief that this has happened, but I'm still shocked that he could hide this for so long. Some days I feel like I can get past this, maybe we can get to a place of acceptance and being able to call the past the past. Most days, I feel like there is no way in hell I'm staying married to someone who could look me in the eye and lie to me, who would rather hurt me by telling me I was crazy, than admit the truth about what he'd been doing. How does someone knowingly expose another human being to an incurable std without telling them? Even when they are pregnant with your child? I understand (as much as I can at this point) the guilt and shame cycle of an addict, but I still cannot come to terms with the lack of character and humanity necessary to withhold something so serious. Right now, I don't think any amount of therapy is going to make me want to stay married to him.
HeartinFlight, like Steam, I am also married to a man with a history of porn, massage parlors, jerk off joints and prostitutes. His disclosure to me in June 2015 was because he thought he had AIDS. He had been sick for awhile and everyone was baffled so once he decided to tell the doctor at his visit the next day, he sat me down that night and told me about his paying for sex. That was one week before our daughter delivered her first baby and it shattered my world and my life. It took many months of me searching the web and reading stuff and sending him stuff and asking if he thought he was a sex addict with him denying it before he finally took one of the online tests. The thing I was hung up on was his inability to answer one question, "Why did you do this?" He always said, "I don't know". That was his truth and it took him taking the test, accepting that some of the questions in the test were true about his early childhood and then buying a book from George Collins about Overcoming Sexual Compulsion to really start getting his head on strait. He really hated himself and wanted to stop. He did not understand the roots of addictions were in his childhood. He did attend counseling both individually and with me. He took a Mindfulness class for addiction and was able to tell me some hard truths about the life he lived as a child and the beliefs he had about himself that set in motion a life of shame around using sex to manage difficult emotions. The key for him (and me) is that he was so disgusted with himself he wanted to change because he felt like he wanted to die rather than continue to live the life he was living. If you read about sexual compulsions (Compulsion solutions web site has a good blog) and try to understand sex addiction you will read that this has nothing to do with us. This is very personal for our husbands and was set in place when they were very young. It was grandfathered into our marriage in 1979 and will forever be part of my husband's life. It was awful and his parents were awful and he had awful experiences that reinforced his persona beliefs about himself that he was worthless. Elle has a a couple of early posts about sex addiction if you can find them. Oh, yes, he is handsome and had a very wonderful career, masters degree, well thought of smart but that was not reflected in his psyche. So many things I can't even say. I think for most of us married to men with sexual compulsions, they have to hit bottom in such a way that they will do anything to stop that behavior. It is not easy but many men manage to do it. They have triggers and such that they must learn to manage. The one thing that helped my husband the most was taking the mindfulness class for addictions. It was like the icing on the cake from therapy and George's book on overcoming sexual compulsion. I can't un-know what I know about his acting out but I also can't un-know all of the awful things that happened to him that created the emotional void in his heart that he filled the only way he know how and that was to self comfort with sex. Moving from masterbation to porn to strip clubs to jerk off joints to massage parlors, prostitutes etc continued to leave him feeling shame and void of emotions. This is his journey and it has caused me deep pain but it is much worse for him than me. We are working hard on our marriage and both want to stay together. You will learn about boundaries here and how to set and keep them. It is hard, and Steam is a pro at them. We love you, we feel for you and we will support any decision or choice you make. Peace and Love
We have been married 6 years. Second marriage for both of us with a long time single. He is the love of my life, my friend, my confidante and fellow adventurer. A couple of months ago we had a period where we were both wirking hard, week ends apart etc. the week of my birthday he was in another city for work. His replies to my texts were brief but I didn't think much if it. Then my mother became very sick. I spent ten days with her in hospital and she eventually died. He was distant during this time but did. One and support me a couple of times. The day she died he left for the other city saying he had a meeting. He stayed there two nights and a day. The night of her death I rang him in tears. I was distressed. But most distressed by him going off and leaving me. When he came back I asked how could he do that. I can't remember what else I said but whatever I said he confessed to an affair with a younger woman. Several weeks. The next few days were dark and I was numb or crying. Tried to put in a brace face for my kids and my family. What hurts me so much is the death of my mother is forever tainted by the lies, receipt and betrayal of my husband. When I needed him he rationalised that he could be away as I had my extended family. Even now almost 6 weeks I still can't grieve for my mother. I am broken. I am sad I am so hurt. He says he loves me. He says it is over. There is no more contact. He says he has chosen me. That he is committed to rebuilding our marriage and me. But it doesn't help me much. I'm still numb at times, overwhelmed with sadness, disbelief that this has happened to me. And what did I do to deserve this. I love my husband even more I think but I have anger, grief, sadness. I am disappointed that he doesn't understand how incredibly big the pain is that I carry. Some days are ok for a few minutes anyway. And then I remember. It is real. It happened. Some days it feels like I am drowning in misery. Others I feel ok because I distract myself. Then the thoughts and questions return. Therapy helps a little. Talking with friends helps a little. But I think seeing how other betrayed wives have coped and got stronger and better had been such a comfort to me. Thank you
MM So very sorry for your pain! Hugs to you! Keep coming to this site. Read the words of all these incredibly strong women. Be a friend to yourself. Go to the mirror, look into those eyes, tell that woman that she's beautiful (Elle's advice). She may not hear or believe you for awhile, but don't give up! Hugs to you!!
My D-Day was June 17, a week ago today. We’ve known each other for 10 years, married almost 5.
The last year was tough because I had accepted a dream job in Seattle. He was commuting still to San Diego where we had lived. When I accepted my job last year, he worked out a 12-month transition period with his job, where he’d be in Seattle a few days a week, then more, then this summer – we were almost there – fully with me.
He told me how supportive he was of me following my dreams. He said that one year where we still got to see each other every week was going to be a blink of an eye in a lifetime together. By January, we had gotten over the midway hump. It felt like we could start planning for our new life in a new city.
Out of nowhere, in mid-May, he arrived in Seattle on his normal flight and was cold and detached. I asked him what was going on. He told me he was “Going through some stuff.”
“What stuff?” That’s when he had the nerve to start asking me if I thought our marriage was really working. Excuse me, WHAT? He’d never said anything like that before. We spent two days “talking things through” and at the end of that weekend in mid-May, I thought we had broken through. Some old resentments had surfaced, we talked about them, and he seemed genuine when he said, “I’m so sorry, I was angry at the situation and I forgot all the good about us.”
The rest of May seemed lovely including a weekend in wine country and long hikes to reconnect. We signed a new lease for a bigger apartment. Still, there was still some part of him that seemed opaque. He writes songs and has always shared his lyric notebook with me. He was still asleep on the morning of June 17, just a week ago, and I was in our office where our cat likes to eat, giving her breakfast.
I saw his lyric notebook and decided to see if there was a recent song that would shed some light into his mood. On the 1st page, there was a song questioning where time was going. The kind of thing you write when you’re 38 and midlife feelings start to hit. Then, I turned the page and found a 3-page “list” that started: I love Jen. I love Patty. I love Jen because… I love Patty because… And on and on and on.
I just stood there shaking. I heard him calling my name from the bedroom and walked back to face him. I started at him and said, “Who the f*** is Patty?” He sat up and I repeated myself.
It took the last week to get the truth out of him. At least I think I know the truth, but who knows. He gave me access to all his devices, I read everything, the lot.
He had started flirting with this woman, a coworker, back in January. Via work email. This woman, who is my age and has been divorced 2 years, flirted and told him how great he was. They were mutually flirting and building up a romance. She knew he was married.
When I made him open his phone bill, it showed they started talking every day in mid-March. Exactly one week to the day that we returned from a beautiful vacation in Mexico.
They started calling each other for hours at a time. (She also lives in another city but visits the office in SD where he works.) He called her every morning and night, even when he was in Seattle. When I’d go to bed, he’d call her. When I left for work, he’d call her. He called her 3 times on my birthday. He called her when we were away in late May in wine country, sneaking out while I was in the bath.
They had just “kissed for the first time” before that weekend he became cold and distant with me in May. She had just been in San Diego for work and they had “hung out.” On June 4, she flew out again to San Diego to meet him. They met up at the airport when he was flying back to SoCal after spending a week with me.
He told me that as soon as he saw her in the airport, he knew he couldn’t “go through with it,” but she still came back to his place and spent two nights with him.
My soul feels absolutely crushed right now. He told me he ended it on June 10 (a week before I found out). He says he will do anything to be with me. He can go to hell.
Anonymous, I am so sorry you found yourself part of the club that no married woman wants to join. What do you want? If your H did everything right to reconcile with you would you want to try? There is no wrong or right answer to that, it is highly personal and you will find that the wonderful women on this blog will be there to hold you up no matter what you decide. Elle has a lot of good posts on here about what H needs to do to have a shot at winning you back. MC/IC has helped many of us - a 3rd party professional who does this for a living can be a godsend. Sending you my empathy. I hope you find comfort on this site.
Thanks so much Browneyedgirl. My first step right now is figuring out what I want. I left for a week to spend time with my mom and sister in Houston. That meant having to also take time out of work at the worst possible time. So, I'm super anxious and overwhelmed at not only the situation, but having told a relatively new employer during a major event at work that I had to leave for a week due to a family crisis. They've been understanding, but I'm having a hard time not feeling overwhelmed by 1) all of my emotions and distress, 2) making emotional space to think about what I really want now, and 3) knowing there is a ton of work I'm falling behind on. I work for a major corporation, and I left and could only say family crisis. I know people will expect me to have had a death in the family to have taken off at such a busy time, so now I don't even know what I'm going to tell people when I get back later this week.
My name is Jen, BTW. So, while posting as anonymous, fine to call me Jen. I didn't know how to add my name without revealing more info about myself.
So, adding to above, my husband is going to an all-company event the week of July 11, and the OW will be there. He has sworn he has made arrangements to not be around her. Most people are flying in and staying at the hotel where the conference will be, but he and his boss will be driving to the conference every day -- as one of his examples. He has the nerve to say, I'm going to do everything possible to make this less traumatic for you...
WHAT? So the choice here is, 1) I ask him to leave his job (everyone at the company is expected to attend and he's presenting) and then not only do I have to shoulder the burden of our finances until he finds something else, he also gets to build resentment toward me for leaving his job?? Or 2) I get to wonder WTF for an entire week when he's at this event, even if he's not staying at the hotel? Even if 100+ other people will also be there???
No idea what to do with this, any advice appreciated.
This is how you give yourself a 'name' on here. On the Reply as: Select profile.. dropdown, select Name/URL. Type your name or nickname in the first line and leave the URL blank.
THis is how makes it 'less traumatic for you' and begins the very hard work to repair your marriage. a) He must have NC with the OW. In an ideal world he would get 'sick' and miss the meeting. But, if it could risk your family's livelihood then you could insist that he calls OW with you on speaker phone and ends it simply, factually, cleanly. b) he gives you ALL the passwords to his phone, email, etc. c) someone on this blog gave me the idea to put a 'Find Friends' or other app on your phones. You can see where is phone is at all times and through this blog I also learned how to read my H's texts on line, even if he deletes them on the phone they stay on the web, this depends on which carrier you have. d) one of them needs to find a new job - he can begin his search now. Good chance they are both at risk of getting fired for using their work email in that manner, if I were them I'd rather look for a new job now then have my HC department get those emails and fire me. e) remorse goes to MC, I would even go further to say that CH is the one who should be responsible for making the apts. Remorse goes to IC to figure out what flaw allowed them to sabotage the best thing in their life (many of us find something significant in their childhood, etc) f) while he is at conference you go see your GYN (get all the appropriate tests), see an IC (for you own sanity) and an attorney (that doesn't mean you have to file, it just means you are getting educated, often for no charge, on what your rights are should you separate or divorce).
I think many of us understand how being betrayed can affect your work - it certainly affected mine. My company offered an EAP and I used them, although I think they were blown away by the circumstances, but they did help me with the anxiety & depression. But you need your work. It gives you purpose. It gives you financial security. I bet you are amazing at work! You can continue to be vague with why you had to take off - say there was a major illness in the family, you don't have to share details and then get caught up in the story.
Jen, Browneyedgirl gave you some excellent advice. I would add two things:
1. He needs to get tested first. He can go to a walk-in health dept clinic -- today. You'll need to get tested too, but depending on the results of his tests, you can give yourself a little time to mentally regroup before you have to go thru that humiliation. I wish I had. Brace yourself. I told them I was married and then they asked me how many sexual partners I had in the past year. I suppose they've seen it all, but still. I cried a lot.
2. BEG is right, one of them needs to get a new job. I vote him. He should do it before he can be fired and/or get hit with a sexual harassment law suit (it may or may not be a legit claim, but it could be devastating either way). I'm 2 years from DDay and my H no longer works with his OWs. But I still can't bring myself to go to his new office building simply because one of them visited him there once. If your H continues to work with the OW, I don't know how you'll ever build trust and get past the triggers -- some wives certainly have, but they are far stronger than me.
As for your concern about him "getting" to build resentment towards you... Nope. He doesn't "get" to do that. He might do it anyhow -- but that would be unfair and outrageous.
So before you assume he will resent you, talk to him. He may actually want to quit, but may think it would be unfair to you because of finances -- my H felt like financial security was the only thing he was worthy of offering me and/or that I would be willing to accept after his betrayal. The coming months will be -- should be -- real soul-searching times for the both of you. You'll both have to examine your needs, wants, values. Your answers will tell you a lot about yourselves and each other -- as you are NOW in this crisis, not as you were or thought you were before his betrayal. Depending, you may soon be on your own financially anyhow -- you should prepare for that.
It sucks girl. Hang in there. You will get through this! Hugs.
Jen, Sorry you don't have the privilege of following through on your feelings to stay in bed and wallow in it all. -only do what you absolutely HAVE to do, let the rest go -feel free to answer questions with a non-answer (believe me, most of us here have perfected that by now!) -don't be ashamed of red eyes. I read that buried somewhere in this blog and have told myself that many times. You don't always have time or skill to make them disappear, so what! No one but my daughter ever asked about them and you never know, you might be giving someone else courage to face the world when they are in pain. I feel so bad for you and your situation right now! So much work pressure added to your emotionally exhausted mind. It sounds like you and h have already taken some steps in the right direction. Good for you! We are here for you, keep us updated as you feel the need to. These women have heaps of love, compassion, and wisdom for you. Take care of you. You will get through this. You will find that you are stronger then you thought.
Jen, you have made so much progress already! I asked my attourney to draw up a prenup also but they said in my state it wouldn't likely hold up in court, we are a no-fault community property state. Sickens me that if we divorce reformed CH gets 1/2 of what I earned while he spent many years voluntarily unemployed (not a SAHD). As far as humor, if you haven't already check out the "Stupid S#*t Cheaters Say" tabs if you haven't already - you will cry laughing and that alone is good therapy!
My Dday was November 17, 2016. It has been 7 months yet there are days I feel like it was yesterday. I am still adjusting to my new reality. My H and I had been arguing that day. He had gone out to celebrate a friend's bday. I was home, upset and watching TV. I had felt something had been wrong between him and I for a while but didn't want to accept it. I signed up for online counseling sessions and as soon as I finished, a text came thru. It was the OW telling me that my husband had been cheating on me for the past year. I felt my heart drop. My stomach tighten up and I could feel myself shaking. She stated that she was sorry for her part but that she couldn't deal with the bad karma anymore. She knew my husband was married but that she was going thru her own things. They met up 2-3 times a week for either lunch, happy hour or at her place. I was going to find proof in is credit card statement for hotel charges prior to her getting an apartment and for the numerous happy hours. She had slept with my husband over a 100 times and she thought he cared about her. He never told her why he cheated and never spoke of me. He also told her he could never love her. I requested more proof but that she had deleted them all. She only had a couple of pictures they took at sports events they went together. She sent me a text from that night where she tells him to go screw himself and that he never cared about her and never wanted to be her friend. She wished him good luck with his wife and he responded for her to do whatever she wanted. She was not going to blackmail him. I felt lost. I couldn't sleep or cry. I forwarded him all her texts. He called me upset and calling her a B, and how she was pyscho. That he would never do that specially with someone like her. He continued to deny for 3 weeks until finally I got into his private email and printed the emails from her to him. He finally confessed. He made a mistake but she exaggerated everything. The affair had been over months ago but she continued to call him and asking to meet up and he was afraid that she would tell me something or create issues with his job. All I could do was cry. I knew I loved him. I knew he was a good father. He wasn't the perfect husband but then again who is? I tried to understand where we went wrong. He never blamed me. He took full responsibility and still does. His actions are on him. His actions aren't my fault. I am responsible for the conditions in my marriage that lead to it though. I too made mistakes and was too proud too admit them. My H hates arguing/conflict so I thought that by saying nothing we were avoiding problems. The hard part is separating the good person from the mistake. He tells me that is the worst mistake of his life. Hurting the person he loves most in this world was the worst thing he could have done and he still paying for it. I can tell he is hurting too. Recovery has been a challenge. I decided it was time to stop with the questions that will never have a right answer. It will never make sense or make it right. I know what he needed at that time and that is what she was capitalizing on. She gave him the attention I wasn't. She made him feel important. Some how along the way, I took him for granted. We both did. How I wish I could turn back time and change that. 7 months later, I still struggle but I tell myself every time she pops into my head...she is NOT important. What did she really have? Nothing! She only had hidden moments which most of them were at a bar drunk. Yes, it hurts like hell but I had the best of him and still do. She was ugly, pitiful and vindictive. I have 10+ years of happy memories, and someone like her is not worth losing them over.
Merced - Reading this gave me shivers as if I would have written it myself. Your story is identical to mine. Husbands reason for cheating, the hurt that caused him when he did so..I am almost at 3 months from DDay and H is still doing everything right. He's sorry everyday and he is my support group. He has also said so many times how it kills him that he hurt the one he loves so deeply - me. Tells me everyday it will never happen again and i want to beleive him, i am trying so hard to especially knowing if i do believe him it will heal me also. I love him so much and I am hopeful.I have forgiven him and I have also taken my role/blame on what went wrong that led to his betrayal and that has helped me. I sure hope everything is well today for you both and your marriage is continuing to heal. I am reminding myself the same thing as you did regarding the OW. My husband would tell me it was all fake happiness it was ME he wanted and he was weak. He takes 100% responsibility and is very remorseful. Now 3 months later, he has ME and all he ever needed and wanted. We are doing a lot better then last month. Everyday is better. Still struggling with the details but I'm working on them. I'm feeling positive. Thank you again for opening your story. It has helped me and others I'm sure. Sure hope to hear from you! Xoxoxo
Hello everyone Thank you for this post. It really helps to read all these stories. I am not even sure if I am posting on the right place, but if anyone has any advice at all, please share it with me. I have been married for 4 years. About 6 months ago,I found some texts between my husband and another woman like 15 years older than him, with different sexual pictures form the internet. When I confronted him, at first he said it was nothing and then he did admitted to be talking to her in an inappropriate way. He said they did not have sex but based on the sexual nature of the texts, I am almost positive he did. I decided to give him a second chance, and he has done a lot to improve himself since then, I do not think he has done anything since that moment. However, 1 week ago, I found a folder with pictures of different women. One was taking a picture of herself naked and she was in a room somewhere in front of a mirror. In the second picture, there was another woman this time older, taking a picture of herself naked in the same room. There were also pictures of a woman in a beach just looking far. and.. there were pictures that he took of coworkers cleavages, or butts while being in the office. I am not sure if they were aware or not that he was taking these pictures.... The dates from all these pictures ranged from about 2 years ago, when we were already married to me. When I confronted him again, he said , these women were passed girl friends. About the co workers, he said, he wanted to show his friend, who was he working with..... I do not believe any of that.... when you take a picture, the date on the picture of from the date you take the picture.. and what is he doing taking pictures of co workers cleavages? He denies a 100% He says the woman in the mirrors are from before he met me. In the case, why did he not deleted those pictures? Why having a file to save all those pictures from different woman? Why even having a file? Is he trying to keep record? I really do not want to go through a divorce and he has good qualities as a husband.... but.... if i let this go, it would be like telling him, i know you are lying to me, and I still forgive you.... Please, anyone who has any advice I will truly appreciate it. Thank you ahead of time for taking the time to read my concern.
First, I am sorry you have been hurt by your H. I am glad you found this site.
I am 8 mos from my Dday. My H had an undiagnosed porn addiction and that was his gateway drug to the A's. In MC I learned he was exposed to porn at a VERY young age - that was so damaging. My H had very large files on his work laptop downloaded from porn sites. And 1 file (non-sexual) of his ex-gf (they were fully clothed pics with her family, kid, husband, etc., but why have any file at all?).
Anyway, if your H took unauthorized voyeuristic pics of women that is a potential crime. At the very least he could loose his job for it. My advice: I would INSIST that your H go to MC with you (to see if you can save your marriage and to get full disclosure) and he also needs to go to IC alone to figure out why he is into this risky, unhealthy (and potentially criminal) behavior.
Search around this site, there is so much good advice. Put yourself first.
My husband has been having emotional affairs for almost three years. I don't believe it has been physical with any of the women but I have read that women find it harder to cope with emotional affairs vs. physical. I confronted the first woman, twice, and it finally stopped after the second confrontation. Then things seemed to be improving, and I started to trust him again, but the he started intimate texting with another woman. I confronted her over lunch and it stopped. But it started up again, and has now been going on for 15 months or so. Everytime I get angry at my husband because of his secretive communication with her, he denies, denies, denies. I have proof that he bought her something for her birthday, that he met her for coffee, but he denies it all. I honestly don't believe it has been anything physical, but their closeness EATS AWAY AT ME EVERY SINGLE DAY, ALMOST HOURLY! I feel like the odd one out. And I know about all this by sneaking on his phone (I know his passcode) when he isn't looking. He thinks I have hacked into his computer! I saw him search many messages to do with 'love' in his safari image searches over a number of months, for example. I am between a rock and a hard place because I don't want him to know that I have been sneaking on his phone .........so I can't show him the conclusive proof that I have that WHAT HE IS DOING IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE, and that I have conclusive proof that he is in love with her. I don't know how much longer I can live like this, knowing his is sharing his heart with another woman when he should have been working on our marriage!!
Anonymous, you can't continue to simply run interference between him and the women he's cheating with. It's exhausting, humiliating and unproductive. I would insist on therapy. He needs to understand the impact these emotional affairs (and they are affairs) is having on his marriage. If he's having conversations with women that he wouldn't be having if you were right beside him, then he shouldn't be having them. But he's obviously getting something out of them -- excitement, ego boost, escape? Whatever it is, it needs addressing. And a therapist can help you do that. If he won't go, I hope you'll go alone to find the tools to address this or figure out whether you want to leave. Nobody deserves to be in a marriage of lying and deception.
Anonymous, do not just let this go. Insist on MC. H is hurting you. H is hurting your marriage. He is breaking his vows. Don't be afraid to say you have proof. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. His property is your property, you are married. He needs to give you all his passwords and free range to look at any device, email, text, etc. You are instinctive and you can do this. There is no room for a 3rd person in a marriage emotionally, physically or otherwise. My H had several EA's, 2 were very short lived (days/weeks) because I caught him and confronted him and the worst one was intermittent over the course of several years and included a brief PA that unfortunately I didn't discover until many years after it was over. These things don't just go away. You have to address it. We will help you be strong!
Hi all, I'm going to post as MomStrong. This is Part One. Ladies, you brought me through the most difficult year of my life. I've wanted to post, but it took me this long to get to the place where I could share it. This has turned into a novel, and I apologize. The gist of the situation is in the first few paragraphs, the details follow below. My husband and I met in college. We dated for seven years, two of them long distance. This month we celebrated our six-year marriage anniversary and the one-year birthday of our son. My husband began his affair when our son was three weeks old (the week he returned to work after taking time off for paternity leave). I discovered the affair when my son was three months old. She worked with him, is married, and has two young children (which is appalling!!!! Actually, it is all appalling.)
The details. Our son was born a month early. We spent a week in the NICU. Hubby took good care of us. I went straight to the hospital where my son had been transferred as soon as I was discharged, 20 hours after I gave birth. I didn't leave the hospital until the baby came home with us. My husband spent time at home to care for our dog and came to the hospital during the days. We were discharged from the Special Care Unit on the condition that we get our son to drink 60ml every three hours, even if we had to wake him. Because they wanted to know how much he was eating, I used a breast pump and fed him with a bottle (he subsequently got used to not having to work /suck much for food and never learned to nurse). My husband and I got up together every three hours to feed our son; I'd pump, he'd feed the baby. I have no family in the area. My Mom always planned to be nearer to me when I eventually had kids, but she was fighting a three year battle with cancer. She passed a few months ago. I was isolated, overwhelmed, and couldn't understand the changes in my husband. He didn't seem like himself. I kept checking in with him, asking if he felt left out because of the time I had to spend with the baby. I was concerned about post-birth depression on his end; it's frequently expressed as resentment and anger about/toward the baby. My husband shrugged my concerns off, but I kept trying to talk about how he was feeling, what he needed, etc. He just seemed different. When he was getting ready to return to work, I moved into the nursery to sleep and to care for the baby at night so that hubby could get enough sleep to work. He had been so caring and present in the hospital and the first few days at home, but as he got closer to the end of his paternity leave, he seemed distant. My husband had met his affair partner at work midway through my pregnancy. They'd met at a training and had struck up a friendship. I was glad that he had a friend at work. He talked about her for a while, shared stories about her, her two young children, her husband, etc. She knew I was pregnant with our first child. When he returned to work, his coworker had decorated his cubicle and had purchased many baby gifts. She said it was because she liked babies. I was so happy that someone had gone to the effort to welcome him back; I was grateful he had a good friend. I'm still not clear on all the details, but soon after he got back to work she told him she found him attractive. When he initially backed away, she explained that she'd been recovering from surgery and had been under the influence of the anesthesia when she'd told him. She was persistent.
MomStrong, Part Two: Meanwhile, I was exhausted. I had to pump every three hours, and it took about 45 minutes to get enough, not including the time it took to clean pump parts and bottles. The only baby-free time I got was after my husband got home from work; he'd put the baby in his lap and play computer games to "unwind," (sext with his coworker). When he had the baby, I slept (I have narcolepsy. I don't randomly fall asleep, but I awake each morning feeling like I've already been awake 24 hours. I also have sleep apnea, but I was so worried about SIDS that I didn't wear my CPAP.) My baby-free sleep time would inevitably end after about two hours, when my husband would burst through the door, furious because the baby wasn't behaving, was crying for no reason (and was distracting him from his games and sexting). I'd take the baby, leave to settle both of us in the nursery, and let my husband go to "sleep" in our bed (where he closed the door and continued to talk to, email, and sext the coworker). On a Tuesday, my husband sent me an email about how his work friend volunteered each Saturday (walking trails in a park and offering help and directions to folks along the trail) and how he admired that. He was thinking of doing the same and going along with her on Saturdays to see if the volunteering opportunity might work for him, too. When he got home from work that day, I expressed concern that he'd choose to volunteer and add more to his commitments (when I desperately needed his help) and he acknowledged that now probably wasn't the best time. However, because I was leaving that Thursday to visit my parents hours away, I suggested that he could try it that Saturday to see if he liked it. That Thursday, when I drove myself and our baby to visit my family, my husband bought condoms and he and the OW made plans to get together. They "worked from home" in our house on a Friday, the following Monday, and the next Wednesday at her house. Each time, they slept together. He gave her a tour of our house. She saw the pictures of us and our baby on the walls. She was in my baby's nursery. They had sex in our bed, surrounded by our things, cards my husband gave me, my pillow, our bed!! When they went to her house, they did the same. Then her family left on vacation and didn't get home until after I had returned home; no more opportunities for sex. When I got home, a neighbor mentioned that he'd seen a blue car in our driveway during the day. I knew my husband had had a guy friend over on the weekend to play games, and assumed it'd been him. But his car was black. That night I asked my hubby what kind of car his work friend drove. He responded that he wasn't sure, some kind of Toyota. I asked if it was blue. He didn't really respond. Later that night he woke me up and explained that he realized someone must have seen his work friend's car in our driveway, and that he and his friend had worked from home a few times, but that hadn't told me because he thought I'd get jealous. !!!!! I told him that he wasn't acting like himself, that he didn't ever lie, and that I thought he might be headed toward an emotional affair. He vehemently denied it. The next morning I found an email between them that suggested an affair. There were no other emails, texts, or anything. So, I did a deeper search and managed to find four emails that he hadn't deleted correctly and so came up when I searched specific words. They were graphic and disgusting. They took the air from my lungs and punched me in the gut. You all know this feeling. Your world shifts, everything changes, the past, present, and the future you imagined are all irrevocably changed.
MomStrong Part Three: I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave. I thought about the baby. I thought about my husband. He was a good man, I had to believe that or the past 13 years had been a lie. He had acted drastically different even before the affair. I thought maybe the depression had been effecting him. I knew that if he succeeded in destroying the family... if i chose to leave, he would sink deeper into depression. I chose to fight. I booked a couples therapy appointment with the first person who had an opening for the next day. As I was trying to get my head straight, my husband sent me a text saying his work friend was working from home and had invited him to work there that afternoon and look at her vacation pictures. I responded that I was feeling extremely nauseated and he needed to come home immediately. When he got home, I asked him to just be honest about his affair. (At this point his work friend texted him to say she "hoped everyone was feeling better :)). I wanted to kill her. He gaslit and denied it until I said I'd found emails. He went silent and stared into space for about 20 minutes. I told him that we had a therapy appointment for the next day and if he didn't go we were through. I told him to never see her again. He said she was his friend and he couldn't desert her. He was furious I'd suggested it. He met her face to face at work the next day and they had a beautifully melodramatic meeting. At therapy I asked why he'd had to meet her face to face and he'd said he needed to check up on her because a distant relative of hers was fighting cancer. This is one thing that stings even now - my own mom was fighting cancer at that time. I don't know how I survived the next few weeks. He was miserable that he'd deserted his friend, who "relied" on him, whose husband didn't understand her or support her with the children, who'd had such a tragic childhood, whose husband owned firearms ("You wouldn't put our family in danger by telling him, would you?")... he didn't mourn what he'd done to me or the baby even once. He begged me not to tell anyone. He knew I'd already told my sister when I'd first learned (she is my support network) and my brother-in-law. We four were great friends. I didn't tell his family, not his mom, who I saw relatively frequently, not our shared friends... this forum was where I felt like I was not alone. The therapist supported me and insisted he cut ties with her. He did. When she reached out through text, he didn't respond. After a week or so, he came to show me something he'd found online: a forum and information about post-birth/postpartum depression in men. He said he'd found it while searching depression and that as he read it, he realized it matched exactly with what he'd been feeling. Granted, I'd sent this same page and information to him months ago, but he'd shrugged it off. He had to find it for himself, I guess. Here's one thing that was a blessing: he'd recently changed psychiatrists to shorten the drive for appointments. His new doctor specialized in post-partum/post birth depression for men. He'd had an appointment already scheduled for the following week, and he decided he'd talk to her about it.
MomStrong Part Four: He began taking an additional antidepressant. Within a few weeks he had returned to himself. He was absolutely shocked and appalled at what he'd done. He owned his mistakes. Since then he's applied himself completely to earning my trust. He's an amazing father and our son loves him. But it still crushes me. I swallowed much of my anger because he was in such a fragile state. We just went through my sons first birthday. Rather than joyful, I felt numb. Our anniversary? Resentful. We never used to do much for it, but this year I wanted to mark it. It went unmarked. I had to tell him that he needed to do something for it, and when he realized that I wanted to acknowledge it, he got flowers and wrote a card with everything I needed to hear. I don't even want to kiss him. We've been intimate many times since the affair, but I don't want anything right now. I'm still hurt and furious and sometimes wish I'd left so that I'd see whether he'd have dragged himself up to fight for us. She got off scot free. How do you rebuild the warmth and glow of love again? How do you move forward? I almost feel like I should be over it by now... I got my husband back, he wants to make our family work, he is trying his best. I feel like he's doing what he can. My situation is so much better than it could be. Is it right, okay, to still be angry and resentful? How did you all let go of the anger toward the other woman? I know living my best life is what's important, and I know she's stuck being herself, but I still want to confront her. At least punch her. Or egg her house. :) Thank you for letting me share. You all got me through this as far as I've gotten.
Gosh -- I felt like you were sitting right here beside me telling your story. So powerful.
Regarding your question about getting rid of anger towards the OW... This is something I still sometimes struggle with at over 2 years. I am glad to say that it has diminished greatly -- and it will for you too -- but still occasionally shocks me with intensity, seemingly out of the blue.
There has been so much written here about this struggle, and I think responses can be very different based on the particulars of who, how long, how we found out, how it ended, etc.
One thing that has truly given me comfort is included in one of Elle's posts (a year-ish ago?), an essay on modern beatitudes, by pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber. "Blessed are those who still aren't over it yet." Reading that really helped to relieve a lot of the shame and pressure I had been putting on myself to be over the anger and the OWs. I highly recommend that you search this blog for that post, and also read the full essay in Bolz-Weber's book, Accidental Saints. (I am Catholic, but I think the essay would be meaningful even if you are of a different faith.) Hope this helps! Hugs!
Dear MomStrong, Thanks for sharing your story. Wow, you have really been through a nightmare! It sounds like you found strength and dignity within you to survive something so shocking and painful. I could add a few uncomplimentary comments about your h's behavior but it does sound like he is attempting to win you back. I'm sorry I can't give you advice on how to get the warm fuzzy feeling of love back.I'm over two years out and don't have it yet. I now know the truth of what h is capable of and it still hurts. I am not given many assurances that it's not going to be part of my future and h prefers the path of 'past is the past'. Others write of h that give daily promises of faithfulness and words of sorrow of past actions. It seems like that would help to move forward and feel warmth toward your h. I have discovered a friend in myself through all this though. I am enjoying a new life of self appreciation and self respect that I lacked before. Hang in there and keep us updated as you feel to. Don't be hard on yourself for not rushing forward to 'get things back to normal'. Allow yourself all the time you need to process all that's happened. I still make a daily decision to stick around, reserving the right to change my mind anytime in the future if I need to. You sound like a very resilient woman and great mother. Hugs!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it feel better, takes a lot of time and work on ourselves, exhausting! I will share one thing, I egged the OW's house. Reasoning: I was left with a big mess to clean up with our kids and myself, felt like she needed a mess. It may have been wrong, but it felt really good
Thanks, ladies, for your responses. I feel very lonely and isolated, and your messages really helped. Sal, I'll look up that book. Truth, I appreciate your kind words; I'm trying to see myself as strong, but sometimes I just feel like I'm failing at everything. Sosad&broken, I totally feel you on egging the house! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get away with it, though! You all are role models and give me hope. Thank you.
Last year on October 16th 2016, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. I found out by my phone bill, and with a call that the secretary from his job answered. By some strange chance his email had his text messages mixed in them. (Got to love apple) I found out they had a highly sexual relationship. Husband of the year tried to do everything to prove to me that he's 'changed'. He didn't speak to her anymore. She didn't work there anymore because when I initially found out, I told the boss. I still didn't trust him. I found out, he was speaking with her till Nov 7th. He lied and told me they were just talking (yeah right) But that its done, he ended it. So, I had a conversation with her. She tried to act busy and told me, "I'll let you know what we're dealing with." I found that funny. Then she went on about she's 37 years old trying to down talk me because i'm 29 (including my husband). That she's too old to be doing this. A big wtf moment. Told her to not call anymore. In December, I did a very immature thing. I sent her a christmas gift with condoms, my husbands dirty boxers, and cheap cookies (her vagina nickname) Then when we went to Reno for New Years 2017 (a trip he wanted for us to be alone) I found out when he passed out that he had a strange phone. It was Sprint, we had AT&T. He was still having an affair with the secretary! I even seen his secret snapchat. She wrote him "I can make you feel better." Happy New Year, right? He tried to lie his way out of it. I wanted to go and didn't care if it was 2am. As we drove I destroyed his brand new 2017 Chevy from the inside. He tried to walk off in snow to disappear because now he felt depressed. Now? really? Perhaps the walls were closing in on him. We go home, and I was ready to get the secretary to talk with my husband. My husband was willing to step up. But the secretary weaseled out of it. She sent me a message acting like she would meet up with me. As a mother she was begging me. Also something about me winning. Why the hell do I care about winning? This was not a competition. Her husband needed to know. Especially when my husband told me that she was begging my husband to leave me. So I told her husband that they were still going at it. Few days later, do you recall the "present?" Well, it came to bite me in the butt. She tried to put a restraining order on me. My husband was furious, but he knew why she did it. She wrote so much lies on that thing. Apparently I'm a computer genius. Even though, I know my husbands passwords because I made them! So I had to go lawyer up. My husband and I were standing waiting for our case. Then she comes walking up giving me the stare down. She wasn't expecting to see my husband next to me. She looked so ugly compared to me. My husband started making fun of her shoes. I replied, " you were the one who picked her." Stupid! The lawyer reached a deal. We made a deal on paper that both my husband and I stay away from her. Like we wanted to be near her after all this. She only added my husband this time because she was angry he was there. I feel like I have PTSD with him. My sex life is ruined. He wants me, but I have a hard time wanting him. I keep thinking of the pictures and videos. The imessages that I've seen. I'm losing my mind! I know this sounds stupid, but I wanted to normal family. He ruined all of that. Normalcy is dead. My vision of him is dead.
Sorry so long. Thanks for reading. I do need help! :(
I'm so sorry you've had to experience all this, you're not alone and you're not crazy. I'm 2 years out dday 1 & 2, and 1 year out of dday 3 (all the same OW). Dday 3 was discovery of continued affair all while in a year of marriage counseling. The lies oh the lies from 2013-2016! Small town, everyone knows and I have to run into her at store etc..... I too did crazy, I egged her house one night, figured she deserved to clean up a mess since I had a big mess!!! All of A happened during work hours, two different offices, and trips. Stopped MC last January, went in circles until we both needed more IC I felt. Still together, I'm still on fence, he needs to step up more, so I'll see, this time it's my choice!!! I know the roller coaster your riding, and I/we have some good weeks. It gets easier, only because I'm working on me!! You have to get counseling and figure out who you are now. I'm not the same, never will be, I'm stronger, but not as enthusiastic about life. Be well!!
Anonymous, I'm glad you found us. And I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The thing with betrayal is that it's not over just because he's not seeing her anymore. Of course, you're traumatized. It's excruciating. And of course, your sex life is affected. It takes a long time (and therapy really really helps!!) to move past. And it also takes a husband who is genuinely sorry for what he did and is willing to do the hard work of figuring out why he lied and cheated to the one person who actually matters to him. I would urge both of you to go to a couples counsellor who can begin to help you sort through this deep deep wound. And please keep reading here. You'll find a whole lot of women who've been through the pain and are healing.
Our 2 IC counselors are in same office as the MC counselor. MC counselor wont see us now, he lied to her in individual sessions back that whole year. Our 2 counselors want the four of us to meet so he'll feel comfortable explaining the why and type of affair. Of course this is taking months to schedule and I'm frustrated, I hear that he is really messed up, more than I ever knew, and told I should be patient. I've been so patient and oh yes ladies, get tested, I got an STD on top of all the other baggage. It's a struggle. I'm not "open" to his love I hear, but that's a whole lot of BS I heard from 2013 til 2016, so I don't know what to believe any more. He's definitely a kinder man and different than before, but it's all been trickle truth and gaps I had to find out. The things I've asked for, such as a new anniversary date since he screwed her on ours, etc... nothing. I don't even know why he chose me, hasn't told me that either other than how much he loves me. Not enough. He's never shed a tear and withdraws if anything about affair is brought up. Has apologized but also says the "I already said that just get past it, I'm frustrated ". Words that kill the few good ones. Wants to sweep under carpet. He does go to his therapist every week, so that is the only real sign he wants to fix himself, but have no idea what they talk about. I'm so frustrated that I battle resentment now.
My name is Gemma and I' 24 years old girl from Barcelona (apologies if my English is not good but it is not my first language) I have been with my couple for 5 years now and we have been living together the last 3. Since a time ago, maybe more than a year, we have not been well, we both new it, I satred my job as a lawyer and I spend a lot of hours working, I don't feel the same desire as I had at the begining of the relationship (when we use to have sex almost every time we see esch other) and he feel rejected and unloved. Some weeks ago we had a fight and we both talk about our feelings, we both decide that we would try it and we went on a road trip on holidays. The first week we visit my grandmum and although we were not alone we had our moments and it was fine. Then we plan to visit some places alone. The first day and night were great, actually I feel that thinks were going in the good way but the second day he start acting strange, not speaking a lot and acting distance. That night I feel sick and I went to bed earlier. The next morning I found her mobile phone in the bathroom and I look at it. I find out that he had been awake until late that night speaking with some female girl of her and that he told him he was not sure to termiante the relationship after our trip. I confort him and he confess that he had kiss her once in a party some month ago and that they some times talk and he told them his feeling and they filter some times. At the begining I decide toterminate the relationship, we end that roadtrip that morning and we were coming back home by car. However, as the hour pass in the car, and we stop many times to cry and argue, he told me that he feel sorry and that he does not want to terminate but he new was to late. My anger changes into sandnes and desesperation and I feel in a rollercoster of emtonions. One part of me told me that I had to terminated, he had betrayed me and I could not turst him again. I feel humillated and paranoic. Another part feel hardbroked with the idea of losing him. And the end I decide to give us some time. He will leave the apartment and we will let some weeks pass, to think both of us if we whant to continue or not.
Two days have past and he keeps telling me that he regrets what he did, he want to be with me and wants to fight for us and he will do what is necesary to gain again my trust. I'm still in an emotional rollercoster, I came from anger, paranoia, depresion and calm. Some of my relatives tell me that I will move on, that I'm a young succesfull women and that I will be fine. But in my heard I feel I still love him and want him in my side but I don't now if its the correct choise. If I forgive him, I will be able to overcome the jealousy and paranoia that invade me? Will he take me for granted and do it again? It is truly possible to overcome a betrayal and that the relationship works? Or I will always feel inferior because I have forgive him?
I just want to thank you for this blog, and let me express my feelings.
Gemma, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But I'm glad you found us. If I was you, I would be tempted to walk away from this guy. You're young and unmarried and he has already revealed himself to be dishonest. Yes, it will hurt. But so will staying in a relationship with someone who cheats. If you stay with him, however, please PLEASE go to a couples counsellor so you two can learn how to communicate with each other and how to express your needs to each other in a healthy way. Relationships evolve over time so it's not realistic to expect it to always be exciting and romantic. But that doesn't mean he can find someone else. Relationships are hard work and you want to know that he's willing to do the hard work. Whether you stay with him or leave, please make that choice from a place of strength. There's nothing "inferior" about forgiving someone when they've shown you that they deserve a second chance. Don't stay because you're afraid of being alone or missing him. Stay only if he has convinced you that he made a horrible mistake that he will learn from and when he has convinced you that he is willing to earn a second chance. Otherwise, walk away and don't look back. You'll be fine.
Gemma, I agree with Elle, if I were young and unmarried I would not remain in a relationship with a boyfriend who cheated. You are smart and I bet you are beautiful and there are a lot of guys who would be interested in you. What to do next is your decision, not his.
I guess she believed him when he said I would have to throw him out because he would never leave me because she manipulated her ex into calling me anonymously this summer. When that didn't work she started sending me emails with more details. She has been interfering in our relationship for over 20 years. He is an alcoholic who every time he needed an ego boost turned to her... she was always available and told him everything he wanted to hear. He was drunk most nights and verbally and emotionally abusive at times so I was not his biggest fan a lot of the time. It has only been physical a handful of times because she lives in a different state. They talked on the phone a lot .,.FaceTime. It has been off more than on (I think ) He was devastated when I found out and has had no contact despite her desperation to continue the relationship . .. 2 people have never been more compatible in the entire universe GAG. I shake violently after every email she sends. I have endless confrontations in my imagination. I cannot wait to get her out of my head My husband is sober now and focused on his family like never before I have been waiting and praying for this for so long and I can't enjoy it because I am heartbroken. For various reasons I haven't told a soul so I hope sharing my story will make me feel a little lighter.
Anonymous I'm so sorry for what you are living through! I'm glad your h is sober now! I know how hard it is to know what a cheating h is capable of and not capable of! I'm glad you found this blog! It's been a life saver for me on many occasions! Sharing my struggles really has been good for me and yes it also makes the burden of the truth easier to live with! Hugs!
I didn't know my husband cheated before we got married but he told me after and I decided to let it go because he had been faithful since . .. 3 mod later he called one of the girls he had been with before we were married when he went home for a family party and slept with her
Hi ladies - I need your help wrapping my head around something. It's been a year since the affair and my husband is finally really digging in with a new IC. His last one didn't ask him to actually do any reflection/talking/therapy. My husband didn't think he'd "learn anything new" from a therapist but finally realized that it would help me feel like he wanted to work on our marriage if he honestly tried real therapy. I've been in weekly IC since the affair. I share most of what we discuss with my husband. There's nothing I intentionally keep from him. So he's going, and trying. Here's my dilemma: I'm very insecure about this. I'm worried he's going to realize he doesn't want to be with me, or say things to the therapist about me that, if I knew, I could work on. I guess I feel threatened by the secrecy of it. I never felt threatened before the affair because we didn't keep things from each other... until the affair. Help! Do I just deal with feeling insecure? How did you guys handle MC and IC?
Momstrong. I'm so sorry you are having an understandably hard time. I totally understand your anxiety about what his next step will be. I struggled with that fear for 7 months post DD2 which was 12/1/16. This is what I did. My H drug his feet for 7.5 months about whether he was going to stay in the relationship. He was waiting for me to get over it even though he claimed to love me. During that time I was getting IC with the occasional CC when he felt the need to placate me. My H is a master manipulator and I allowed him to wear me down to the point of doubting my own self worth. Soon after DD2, I began to examine the core of my fears and insecurities, cause there are so many brought on by infidelity. I didn't know how I would survive without him. I was terrified that IC for him would make him realize that he didn't want me any more, and so on. I thought about worse case scenarios and the outcome was always my choice. Talk about realizing your own power at a time when we feel all, especially us, is lost. A lot of my insecurities were about him, what he thought of me, and the “what if’s.” I remembered a post Elle did about control and how we can only control ourselves. I relinquished my power to him because cause I trusted him, and I forgot all that I was/am capable of in doing so. I slowly gained my power back, along with self worth, self respect, and self love. A little over 2 months ago, I had a powerful moment of clarity and let go of all hope that we would reconcile and it freed me of the bondage of fear, insecurity, and the what if’s. While he says he is committed to our partnership, he is still figuring things out. He is going to IC but he was unwilling to educated himself in how to help me heal until this past weekend when I called him out, yet again, on his bullshit. Boundaries. They are brilliant. What it boils down to for me is this, as sad as it is that we find ourselves shattered by betrayal, I have found myself again and I know what I want and don’t want. I am no longer afraid to be without him. I no longer consider myself “short changed” if he chooses to leave, I’ll help pack his bags. I know without a doubt that I will survive and get through this fuckery because I looked at the possible outcomes and they aren’t so bad. WE, all of us here on this blog, are worthy of a beautiful, happy and peaceful life and we don't have to depend on someone else making it that way. It's up to us to create our world with our new found knowledge and strength. They can either enhance our radiance or not be part of it. The choice is up to us how long we want to wait for them to join us. Many comforting hugs to you…♥
Every ending is a new beginning, we just don't know that at the time.
Olive Mee, thank you for sharing your thoughts on survival. I cycle between having similar thoughts to yours about knowing life without him will be OK and feeling good about that knowledge and then having an emotional day or two when I get sucked into the pain of his choices and my sense that I wasted 35 years with this man.
MomStrong, You posted above exactly 1 year after I confronted my husband that I knew he was cheating, so we are close to the same timeline. His affair was already over and he said he would do anything to save our marriage. We started MC right away and our therapist has been great. I also have an IC that I see weekly, mostly for someone else to talk to, since we have not told anyone. He did not see the need for IC for himself until recently. I think when he told me he could suppress his desires for "bad behavior" and I told him that wasn't good enough...the desire for change needed to come from inside, not just what I or the MC told him to do. He saw our MC privately a few times and then he (MC) referred him to someone else. He has been going for a couple of months. I had exactly the same fears that you expressed...that it would be another secret relationship, that he would find out he didn't want to be married to me. I told him my fears and he reassured me that he is doing IC because he wants me to stay with him. He has asked for privacy until he figures himself out and i have respected that. I find that if I don't ask, he actually ends up volunteering quite a lot. But i guess I also do not tell him everything I discuss with my IC. One thing you should not worry about is that he will say something about you that you could work on. This is about him figuring out his own shit. This has nothing to do with you. His affair was not your fault and nothing you do or don't do will change him.
I recently found out my husband was having an affair with a coworker. Was 2 weeks long of inappropriate conversations and texts and some groping in passing. Married 15 years and 2 kids. He had her text me from his phone saying he was done when I had asked he come home instead of drink beer after work because the baby was sick. Took 5 days to get the whole story out. We are going to councilling but I don't know how to get over the hurt! The first night he told he he loved me but not as much as he used to and he really liked her. Refused to cut contact but then did delete her off his fb and phone. Told me in front of the kids "what if I pick her?" Since then he has told her they will not speak unless it's to do with work. I have confronted her as well which she of course says she's innocent. But was sure to tell me he's a good looking guy. Then she wanted to be my friend! Asking me to come for drinks and to the movies because we must be alike as they usually go for a woman like their wife! I declined this invite. My husband now says he was depressed and I as well got the line I thought u didn't love me anymore. He says he can't stand her because he now realizes what he could have lost. However I can't stand they still work together! He has been looking for a new job but nothing's come up yet. I feel like an emotional roller coaster! How long will this ride last?
Love hurts I'm so sorry you had to find this club but I can tell you that you are one of so many that feels like you! The ride lasts for each of us whatever amount of time it takes. It's as different for every couple and depends on how hard you both work to work through this! If he's still working with the ow, I'm sure it'll be very difficult to restore trust. I'm still not using the word trust in regards to my h in all things but I trust that he wouldn't ever turn back to his cow. I'm working on 3 years post dday and sometimes I trigger and the pain is as bad as day 1! My h is doing everything he knows how but he has a hard time dealing with my triggers because it usually triggers his shame and he shuts down. Each day we begin the day with the intention of making it better than the day before. Some days we are and some days we stumble back a little. But we're committed to working together to achieve a better us! It's a hard journey and it's totally up to you and your h to figure out what will work for your family! Sending hugs! It gets easier but it takes that four letter cuss word time...
Love hurts, I am glad you are going to MC. Stick with it. Think about going to IC for yourself as well. A few weeks after dday I hurt so bad I prayed for death. Take good care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Put yourself first. You will feel better gradually over time and with self-care. One of the shittiest things about being betrayed is how long it takes to heal. I am 11 mos out and I feel so much better than in the early weeks but I am certainly not 'healed'. Theresa is right it lasts a different length of time for each of us, it depends on the circumstances, how complicated the A(s) were, how much work the H is willing to put into it and how much we do self-care. It's good your H is looking for a new job. Getting rid of that trigger will help you progress. It took us many months to get rid of my H's affair car - I refused to ride in it after dday but just seeing it in the garage every day triggered me. The day we got rid of it there was one less thing impeding my healing.
Hello Ladies, I’m so thankful I’ve found this site.. I really need some advice. I’ve been married for almost 5 years (anniversary coming up soon), we don’t have any children. Up until last year, I was pretty confident in what we had and I didn’t suspect a thing. I didn’t notice any huge issues/red flags and I was actually pretty happy. All of a sudden I noticed a shift in his behaviour, he was too busy, started to become unaffectionate and just weird.. so I decided to do some snooping (out of character but I don’t regret it at all!). I found out that during our ENTIRE marriage he’s been flirting with many many other women.. I found lots of disgusting pictures, messages and conversations that seemed like he started a rekindled relationship with his ex girlfriend. I found out that he’s been keeping a bunch of these nudes in a private email and that his ex came over to the house a few times (found out through pictures)! This devastates me completely because over the years, I’ve become less close to my family because of him and made him the center of my entire universe! I feel so stupid and broken. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to and I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to look at him the same. When I confronted him, he said that he “came to his senses, stopped everything and tried to fix it all before I found out”. I feel sick to my stomach. He’s begging me to stay, I don’t want to throw it all away but how can I ever trust him again? I can’t even picture things going back to being okay..I can’t believe he was THAT good at hiding all this from me. I feel like I don’t know him anymore. He wants to try therapy, has provided access to all his emails, social media, phone etc but it’s not enough for me right now. It’s been a year since I found out and I still feel like it happened yesterday. Are we doomed?
Anonymous, You're not necessarily "doomed". But you get to decide whether you stay or go. However, given that it still feels so immediate to you, I wonder if you're experiencing, as many of us do, a sort of post-trauma response. Hypervigilance, a sense that the world isn't safe, triggers that lead to increased heart rate and blood pressure... If you want to give this marriage a chance, then his idea of therapy is a good one. At the very least, you can create an amicable divorce. Given that he essentially led a secret life for your entire relationship, though, it sounds as if he should also be in individual therapy. His behaviour over that period of time had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his own issues. And that's something he needs to sort out on his own. In the meantime, I would encourage you to also seek individual counselling -- a good therapist can help you process the pain and work through the post-trauma stuff. You can also get clear on why you altered your relationship with your family, why you allowed any one person to become "the center of your universe". In short, you can heal yourself from this, which will serve you well whether or not your marriage survives. We get through this, Anonymous, even when most of can't imagine that we will. And you will too. Trust in that. Trust in your own strength.
Two years ago, I got on the computer to do something with my email. I don't remember what. It took me right to my husband's email. I found multiple membership type emails for dating and casual sex websites. I went through his email to find that he had been emailing women on Craiglist for sex and he was doing a lot of shady things financially. I printed out copies and called him and told him to come home. He said he let his "friend" use his email and while the financial stuff was his he wasn't doing any of the sex stuff.
Fast forward two years later. We have the same conversations over and over. It's not be, someone hacked my email. I will stop doing this financial stuff. I'm not ashamed to say I spied on his browser history and when I could checked his phone. I know he has put up at least one ad for himself on Craigslist. Finally six months ago he finally he admitted to the sexting but he swears he wasn't ever physical. I told him he needs to be the one to come up with a plan to save our marriage because I have always been the one researching things for our fertility issues.
He has two phones and two email accounts. He is obsessive about getting the mail and keeping his cell phones with him. He has a separate bank account. His behavior is still just as secretive except now he wants to hold my hand in stores and he is willing to wear his wedding ring. He let me believe he had low T for many years so I've done all the housework for years. He is a very good liar. I am about ready to talk to him again.
First time posting here. I’m 7 1/2 years post d-day #1 and 5 months post d-day #2. My story is long & complicated like many of yours. Not ready to share details but after my husband hit rock bottom he climbed himself out & has made drastic changes in his life for himself. #2 was a coworker of his & someone I considered one of my closest friends. I told others in our friend group who are my friends as well as his coworkers about their ‘relationship’. His family & our grown children know as well. I left him nowhere to hide. At the time, I asked nothing of him except to get out of my life. He made the changes on his own and has earned the chance to be forgiven.
I am asking for advice today. He still works with ow #2, though not closely at all anymore. The work Christmas party is coming up and I have always gone. I am going. She will likely be there though she shouldn’t. (Both my husband and #2 are heads of their departments so either absence will be noticed).
What do I say if I’m confronted by her? Do I say anything to her? How about my body language? Like others here, I’ve had the conversation in my head! I’ve seen her from a distance several times but have not had any contact at all. Again, she was a close friend of mine, or so I thought.
Any words of wisdom or advice are greatly appreciated! -Gem
Hi Gem, Glad you found us and so glad you reached out for support. I was in a similar situation in that my husband's affair partner worked with him. I struggled with wondering how to handle an encounter. I had a good friend at my husband's work who was, literally, my wife whisperer. She told me she had my back, that she'd be watching for any altercation, and to go in there with my head held high because I had NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It was exactly what I needed. So I say the same thing to you. Do what you need to look and feel fabulous that night and then hold your head high. Perhaps practice a calm but firm response along the lines of "I have nothing to say to you" and then move away from her. You might be shaking but that's okay. You have courage and integrity that she knows nothing of. I'll see if others weigh in with their thoughts too because I know plenty of us have struggled with this. I would also urge you to enlist your husband as an ally in this. To have your back as well. Figure out what you need from him -- right at your side all night, for instance? Or watching out for you? And then tell him. This is his change to, again, show you that he is on your side, no matter what.
My affair was the emotional and physical kind. I say mine but I mean his - I'm trying to understand/know everything so it isn’t "theirs" anymore. It is mine too. Sick? maybe I don't know. If I’m going to give my marriage a chance I don't want her to have anything special/secrete with him anymore. Nothing. If he took her dog to the vet I want to know. Every dinner he ate at her table I want to know. He had an affair where he shit on his own once happy family and shacked up with a whore while out of town for work. The shit throwing was reserved mostly for yours truly – you know the sarcastic joking, “I’m not really saying it, but you know what I mean” kind of comments. I was fat (just had a baby!!!) ugly ( yeah probably 3 hrs of sleep for 3 months does that to a person), couldn't cook, couldn't keep house, couldn't keep kids under control (I have 3 BABIES, on my own most of the time!!!) etc. etc. Our kids paid a bit of a price too – he was tired and his patients were very thin. His attitude when home got increasingly bad until I finally woke up - what was happening in my life?! For some reason – seriously unknown to me to this day I googled "signs of cheating". I remember thinking, why would I want to know this… he is stressed, we are moving to be together, his job is demanding, don’t be a crazy wife blah blah blah (insert more self-hate here). I never once thought it could be true. Not him, he was the nice guy. I made sure I married the nice guy. But folks we all know what happened next!!! The first link I clicked on, he had EVERY ONE. Every single sign of a cheater. And again on the next site, and the next and the next. He was having an affair, I had a 4, 2 and 7 month old. My life as I knew it, was over. Let the crazy twilight song begin.
So now I know the details after 3 months of grueling trickle truthing after D-day. It’s been 7 months total now with only a few new pieces of info since he got the picture of what FULL DISCLOSURE meant to me. He cooked for her, brushed her car off, took out her trash, watched her kids kind of relationship. He slept in her bed with her, cuddled after and showered. He texted her from home and left early to be with her, while his own kids were crawling all over him to stay. He had another wife, two lives, she knew about me, but I didn't know about her... and he did this all while telling her he was never going to leave me and it was all temporary while there. It started as innocent flirting kind of friendship (I would have brushed this kind of shit away before – not now, not ever again). I trusted my man with every part of my soul. He eventually increased the flirting and contact with her until it became sexual. But then QUICKLY he became obsessed. It’s like he had to have her love him he did EVERYTHING for her to win her heart… and you know what? He probably loved her too, because when his time to move home for good came up he was green for a week and so depressed – tried to stop the move even or delay it. But then I found out. And BAM. She is gone out of his life. Like it didn’t happen. She was obviously angry. Despite what he had told her about not leaving me she clearly thought that he would run to her once I found out. She may or may not be pregnant right now too but I have my doubts about that now. I’ve tried not to live in that thought for more than a few seconds because then I want to jump off a bridge. I love kids and even though it sounds totally crazy to everyone I tell I wanted a big family… aka I’d have 4 more if I could. I had to beg for every one of my kids. SO I don’t live in that thought of HER being pregnant anymore. It’s not good. The last thing my kids need is a dead mom and a psychopathic father who can turn emotions on and off like light switch.
She is awful. Used this "relationship" to get over another affair she was having that had ended badly. One of her poor innocent children needed paternity texting to determine if the father was her boyfriends, or another affair partner who was married and has 4 children. Oh and then there is her own failed marriage because of her infidelity. My H knew all this (after the fact but it never stopped him). Even knew that she was texting her other affair partners wife… “Don’t let it ever come to that for my wife” he told her….COMMON!!! What kind of man does this? This is JUST crazy crazy crazy. Oh so she fell for the whole – I can’t leave my wife because of my kids – bullshit. WE JUST HAD A BABY. What do you think a whore in love will try to do then??? They didn’t use protection. NOT ONCE. You can’t make this shit up. He lost his mind. It’s totally nuts.
Then BOOM I find out shortly after their temporary living situation ends. And he walks away from her. He was done. They cuddled and slept together on her couch, had dates and he helped reno her house. SERIOUSLY. He was her boyfriend. I have PLEADED for him to leave me for her or anyone else I don’t care. I don't want to be the one to tear our 3 babies lives apart. He is SO remorseful. He can’t explain why, he can’t even see how he could have done it. He puts up with every swear, every name, everything I throw at him and he keeps coming back for more. This is the new me. I’m awful too. Throwing, hitting, crying, sulking, stalking, anti-depressant taking disaster. I’ve had 2 separations with him and divorce papers written. I’ve pushed and pushed and pushed him out the door and he keeps knocking and charming and loving and caring for me. I don’t understand. I don’t get it. Is he a psychopath? Am I crazy too? I love him. I never stopped… my feelings are not a switch. I cannot fall out of love with a man I have been married to for years and partner for 13. I hate him too obviously - he is a total prick. He bashed me to her and said all sort of “truths” about his feelings towards me. But he denies, says she is lying. Oh yeah of course she started texting me once she got the point it was really over. So much for their “love”. But note that he cannot say a single bad word about her to me. Other then the obvious, she is a whore. He did love her… now why can’t he just leave me with my kids and go back to his love.. the one he actually worked for.
I think he cannot be alone. I think that he sees my (old) character and knows he has (had) it good with me. I think he wants a wife like me but a hot whore on the side and he finally got it and loved it. I think he is a sex addict. I think he has aged wonderfully and I have aged horribly. I think this is one of many many affairs but he won’t tell me. I think I was once his pride and arm candy and now he wants to shut me in the closet. I think he will do it again too, more carefully, with the knowledge that he has now to trick me. I think my kids have no chance in life for stability or to be in a normal relationship because I’m depressed and he is a psycho. I think I have no true friends that won’t blab this crazy gossip to the world and it will shame all of us. I think no one really loves me but my kids, and they must, they are biologically driven to love me to survive. I don’t care I’ll take it. They are rock stars in my eyes and I’ll live just for them. But living for just my kids isn’t even healthy for them and I’ll still screw them up even more. So catch 22! I am forced to get better and stronger and figure all this CRAP out. For some reason I’m feeling strong (not even angry strong just strong) but know I’m just a bumbling idiot who can’t even spell blindsighted or blindsided one lovely person pointed out to me.
Anyone got any suggestions. – not on the blindsided thing… got that one figured out now.
Blindsided, I'm devastated by your story and the incredible pain you're in. And here's what I want you to do. Forget about him right now. I want you to find yourself again. I think, after so many years of pregnancy and babies and trying to keep everything together while your husband is being critical and neglectful and disrespectful, that you're emotionally exhausted. Factor in infidelity, and I don't doubt that you feel wrecked by this. And it sounds as though you don't have any support in your life and it's crucial that you do. So please please find a therapist who can begin to help you heal from this -- to figure out what you really want. I would tell your husband that he'd better do the same. Get a therapist and figure out why he risked his family for someone who he TOLD he wouldn't leave you for. That is messed up and he needs to understand it. If he won't seek help, then you're right -- he's telling you to expect more of this in the future. But you focus on you. Get yourself back on solid ground, for yourself and for your kids.
I'm so glad I found this site. It's only been 5 months since D day, but I find myself struggling with random bursts of anger and many thoughts of what he did (usually late at night). I know it's still early, but I really felt I was making progress. We have been open and honest with each other about our feelings (mine being hurt, anger, frustration and being unable to fully trust) while his are feelings of shame, guilt, regret, etc. I want to move past this and not be stuck. He has made new accounts, blocked her on everything, has been going to counselling, gave me all his passwords, and has even went as far as deleting his online gaming accounts (how they met). I want to make this work because he has done everything I've asked with no arguments and is working so hard at changing. He has taken full responsibility and even recognized the root cause of his cheating (he has very low self esteem and self hatred to a point where he ruins the good things he has out of fear of abandonment). I have acknowledged my role in why he felt he needed to go elsewhere, and I'm tired of seeing him beat himself up over his mistakes. Most days I am fine, and we are doing a lot better than before the affair, but some days it seems like these feelings will never go away. I want to accept that things have changed and move on. Just hoping things get easier and hoping people have experienced what I'm going through. Its nice to not feel so alone.
My husband sounds very similar. I am similar as well... we were doing good but im now 7 months and talking about divorce again. I juat can't seem to let his affair go. Like how could he do this to us???? It is also always at night I lash out... so I will not be much help to you.... HOWEVER I care. I feel your pain of being married to a self loathing person and please read all the very sensible very helpful info all the other women here write. I absolutely love it. Blindsided
Anonymous, Five months is still so raw. Even if you've come a long way (and I don't doubt you have), I think it takes a long time to fully digest what's actually happened. It's like a bomb goes on and even if you've cleaned up the worst of it, you're still going to find bits and pieces of detritus that trigger the old fear and hurt. Are you in any sort of counselling? It can often provide a safe place to work through a lot of the emotions so that you're less likely to get set off. If you know it happens at night, is there anything you can do to ward it off? Create a nighttime ritual that lends itself to feeling safe? Is your partner in therapy so that he doesn't turn this into being about his feelings instead of about your feelings? It sounds as if there's lots of reason to be confident that you will rebuild a strong marriage but until BOTH partners feel healthy and whole, it's difficult.
We are doing counselling separately right now to work through our own self-esteem issues. We are discussing couples counselling. Its been so difficult, but he's trying so hard. He never makes me feel bad for my outbursts, but I feel so guilty. I often think it would be easier to leave, but I do not want to. Its so difficult. I am a night owl and have anxiety, so I do have trouble sleeping. And no matter how hard I try to distract myself, my mind wanders back. He and I both have a lot of regrets. I knew he needed help but never pushed it - and he knew he was messed up but never expected to have an affair. I know it takes a long time to heal but I feel I cannot talk to anyone about it - they wouldn't understand. And before this, I told myself I would never forgive a cheater - but my gut feeling is that he is truly sorry, he is trying and that we can really work this out. I'm struggling and I don't want to be stuck in this rut.
Thank you. This website has truly been a blessing.
DD was 1 wk ago today. Married 16 years, 2 kids, 11 and 15. I am so lucky to have friends to talk too. Whether they are trust worthy or not, I don't care. I am even talking about it with my dad. He can't talk to anyone cos he has so much shame. He even went to a different doctors surgery cos it could not walk in.
I just watched a ted talk on infidelity by Esther Perel. It was great and I just emailed him all the mining questions that she suggested. Like what did this fair mean to you, what did you express or experience with her that you can't do with me, what was it like for you when you came home, what is it about us that you value and are you pleased it is over.
My husband was having sex with his PC, gee that sounds funny now that I write it, when I was pregnant with our first child, working a job for 4 staff and planning our wedding. My midwife said not to worry, he will be too busy with you and the baby and he'll stop all that. So I didn't pay too much heed as I was so busy and stressed.
Well he wrote me some notes on his PC telling me all the times he sexted or google hangout ed and the circumstances around that time.
I'll have to re read it when he gets back cos after this TED talk, it will answer questions just by itself.
Two things I am most concerned about him and two about me. One he hasn't broken it off with her. He just cut all ties, he says. Second, he doesn't want to talk about the past he only wants to talk about the future. Both red flags to me. Things Im disturbed about myself is Im indifferent to him. I couldn't care less. I have been taking care of him through his 18 month cancer journey whilst he has been furiously sexting form his hospital bed.
the other thing I am concerned about me is I can't let him touch me or be near me. I can't see how we can reconcile under these conditions. I do believe that crisis can create opportunity and in this case it may be my opportunity to leave. I kicked him out yesterday for 4 days. He had to have his PC. I had a realisation this morning that his PC is a pacifier. He said he needed to work and watch videos. His PC is with us every holiday and he is always working!!! He probably is some of the time but seriously who can't have a weekend or a holiday without a PC.
I homeschool my kids and he made me sell my investment property so now I have nothing of my own. Nothing is in my name. not car or house. Part of me want s to make this marriage better than its ever been and part of me wants to just get out. I feel like I am leading a duel life now. Maybe I always have because I have been miserable in my marriage for a long time.
I have requested counselling, the answer we don't have money for that. I requested that he take me out on dates and the answer was no. We have been out 3 times in 16 years as a couple. OMG just writing that makes me think what kind of a marriage is this. No wonder he told the therapist that I was his rock!
Im not sure we can rebuild, it looks like a massive bomb has gone off for us and he is happy to read books and go to therapy himself, that's all good but if he doesn't want to revisit the past for me, i can't heal and I'll have to realise that he truly is very self centred.
DD was 1 wk ago today. Married 16 years, 2 kids, 11 and 15. I am so lucky to have friends to talk too. Whether they are trust worthy or not, I don't care. I am even talking about it with my dad. He can't talk to anyone cos he has so much shame. He even went to a different doctors surgery cos it could not walk in.
I just watched a ted talk on infidelity by Esther Perel. It was great and I just emailed him all the mining questions that she suggested. Like what did this fair mean to you, what did you express or experience with her that you can't do with me, what was it like for you when you came home, what is it about us that you value and are you pleased it is over.
My husband was having sex with his PC, gee that sounds funny now that I write it, when I was pregnant with our first child, working a job for 4 staff and planning our wedding. My midwife said not to worry, he will be too busy with you and the baby and he'll stop all that. So I didn't pay too much heed as I was so busy and stressed.
Well he wrote me some notes on his PC telling me all the times he sexted or google hangout ed and the circumstances around that time.
I'll have to re read it when he gets back cos after this TED talk, it will answer questions just by itself.
Two things I am most concerned about him and two about me. One he hasn't broken it off with her. He just cut all ties, he says. Second, he doesn't want to talk about the past he only wants to talk about the future. Both red flags to me. Things Im disturbed about myself is Im indifferent to him. I couldn't care less. I have been taking care of him through his 18 month cancer journey whilst he has been furiously sexting form his hospital bed.
the other thing I am concerned about me is I can't let him touch me or be near me. I can't see how we can reconcile under these conditions. I do believe that crisis can create opportunity and in this case it may be my opportunity to leave. I kicked him out yesterday for 4 days. He had to have his PC. I had a realisation this morning that his PC is a pacifier. He said he needed to work and watch videos. His PC is with us every holiday and he is always working!!! He probably is some of the time but seriously who can't have a weekend or a holiday without a PC.
I homeschool my kids and he made me sell my investment property so now I have nothing of my own. Nothing is in my name. not car or house. Part of me want s to make this marriage better than its ever been and part of me wants to just get out. I feel like I am leading a duel life now. Maybe I always have because I have been miserable in my marriage for a long time.
I have requested counselling, the answer we don't have money for that. I requested that he take me out on dates and the answer was no. We have been out 3 times in 16 years as a couple. OMG just writing that makes me think what kind of a marriage is this. No wonder he told the therapist that I was his rock!
Im not sure we can rebuild, it looks like a massive bomb has gone off for us and he is happy to read books and go to therapy himself, that's all good but if he doesn't want to revisit the past for me, i can't heal and I'll have to realise that he truly is very self centred.
Suzanne, I'm sorry I missed your post. And so sorry for what you're going through. I would start by seeing a lawyer right away. You need to get clear on what it would mean financially if you were to separate or divorce. And then you need to take a stand: Start with your finances. Why is someone who can't handle money handling your finances. That's a recipe for trouble. He's had years to figure this out and it isn't working. So you need to take that back. No questions. And then I would insist that he seeking counselling for his internet addiction. If he won't stop or won't seek help, then he is telling you that your marriage is going to look like this going forward. If you don't want that, then it's time to leave. But if he does seek help, then you can decide whether to stay or go. There are 12-step groups for sexual addiction (which includes internet). But leave that with him. He either seeks help, or you're gone. I don't see many shades of grey here. You seem miserable and have been miserable for years. He says he's not willing to do even small things (like dates). So...why are you there?
I need to add that my husband has controlled the finances most of our marriage. He meters out small amounts for the kids and I and he takes care of the big bills. He is terrible with money and wastes so much money each month. He won't let me look after the money. this will be a big issue if we divorce.
Suzanne I’m so sorry you are here because I know just how bad that first week feels! Bless your heart! I was still crying one minute and throwing up my guts the next minute. I had no young children at home but yet I still had to hold our family together at the same time as I was fighting for my marriage. It’s a long hard journey and one week is just the first grain of sand in the vast desert. First you have to stop and just breathe. Just know that this is probably the first time in your life that you have to be the most selfish person in the world and believe that you are the most important person in the world. That’s what I have had to learn from a lifetime of putting everyone above myself in every part of our lives. I’m way older than you most likely but the hurt anger and disbelief are all the same. You have rights even if you don’t know what they are yet. It’s taken me two years to figure out our finances if what he chose to do led us to divorce. It’s too soon to know what forever is and all you need to do is one day at a time. I’m so sorry you are on this blog but so glad that because you had the need to find it that you are here. Don’t feel like you have to make any decisions this first month or year. You have plenty of time to figure out what you need and what you want for you and your children. Take your time and listen to the wisdom of the collective minds of this community and just know that you can get through this. Sending you hugs and prayers and just the knowledge that you are among kind loving women!
I want to begin by saying that this blog has been a literal lifeline for me since my DDay on Halloween 2016. I have read all of your stories and your bravery has been so inspiring. I want to share my story now.
I knew in my heart of hearts that my H was not just " close, intimate friends" with his married co-worker. His words to me when I asked him why he was constantly checking his phone/texting her even on weekends. I am so dumb and trusting. We had been married for 21 years and I trusted him so completely. Stupid I know.
I found an email from her the night of Halloween after I finally cracked his phone passcode. She told him she "couldnt wait until they didnt have to pack and unpack, that they could just be together". She and my H were leaving the next day for a trip together. She told him "she loved him and her butterflies were starting already". When I read the email...confirming all my suspicions...my body began to shake, my head spun, my heart literally fell out of my chest. I was physically so shaken I couldn't hold his phone to search for more emails. Seriously regret that now because I have to take his word that he never responded with " I love you" etc.
I kicked him out that night. Then let him come back home. Our 3 teenage/grown kids all know. ( and all know her)
He called her and told her that he could never see/speak to her again. Tough since at the time she worked with him but he has since moved jobs.
I brought up his affair multiple times a day for the first few months. Always ended in a fight/tears. Questioned him constantly. Caught him in several lies during the disclosure of details, which obviously sent me straight back to square one. I now have a better understanding of what exactly their "affair" was. Basically traveled together, got drunk, and occasionally "hooked up". She is married also. (I called her husband the night of Dday and told him everything I knew)
Fast forward to today and I will say that I am stronger and wiser. But have some major work still ahead. In no particular order, here are the things that I have learned so far on this painful journey: 1) What hurt the most is the person that I lov(ED) past tense, hurt me the most that I have ever been hurt. 2) The little lies told during recovery "to spare me more pain" have done more to cause us to backslide than any ugly truths. 3) I struggle to believe that they never actually "did it" when they hooked up because he couldn't perform. That's his story. This hasn't been an issue ever for us in 23 years together. Do any of you have this similar struggle?? 4) I can control, for the most part, my thoughts and keep them positive. But then I will be triggered by something and I go RIGHT BACK to that dark dark rabbit hole. It's still happening 15 months later. 4) Forgiveness is something I have to decide to do EVERY DAY. 5) At times I hate him, still, so much. 6) I am stronger that I ever knew and love my family too much to let his stupidity ruin us. 7) I love each and every one of you for your strength and willingness to share. 8) If you haven't already, sign up for the weekly emails. They are a GOD SEND.
I feel your pain! Anonymous in Texas, my coward of a h allowed his cow to disclose his affair and way too many details but she just didn’t believe that he wasn’t in love with her as she was with him. She was/is delusional. Tha said my h has really had to step up his game to reclaim our relationship. I’m still in need of joint couple counseling but it’s on temporary hold while I’m caring for my mother in her final stages of life. He has taken a job that requires him to go across the country for six months but he’s changed his plans for next week in order to be with me during the first week we move mother to our home with hospice. I’m still sad for the damage he did to us but I love what I’ve seen him do since he recommitted to our marriage. I choose daily to look at him now and not so much on the weak coward that chose to hurt us so bad just for some different sex...Yes this blog is a life saver! Sending hugs!
Anonymous in Texas, I'm so glad that you shared your story. And everything you've learned sounds incredibly familiar. I learned those same lessons...as I'm sure so many of us did. Fifteen months probably feels as though you've aged a lifetime but I swear it takes a year to just absorb the shock of betrayal. And then the healing begins. And it takes a LONG time. It was five years before I felt as though it was truly something that happened and wasn't still happening -- not the affair but the pain and the healing. So be patient with yourself. I would ask what he's doing to support you in your healing and figure out why he did what he did. The question of whether he did or didn't have sex feels almost immaterial to me. He was intimate with her. That's all you need to know and it's a huge betrayal. But...I completely understand and support your desire to know the truth and it sounds as though you still don't trust him to tell you the unvarnished truth and that's a real problem. What is he doing to learn how to tell you difficult things? It sounds as though you're doing a whole lot right, Anon in Texas. But it feels as though there's some lessons hidden in the problem you're having with this right now. And that is, I think, that he doesn't seem fully honest with you. That could be residual from his lack of full honesty in the wake of D-Day. I WISH men would understand that their desire to "not hurt us more" (which, let's be honest, is about self-protection WAY more than it's about protecting us) does so much MORE damage in the long run.
I never thought in my life something can hurt so much. That non-physical pain can be so incredibly excruciating. Floating in between being absolutely and totally numb, being on an edge of suicide, angry, so so so so very sad, lost and it is going over and over again.
Sometimes I feel insane, because I dont want to hurt him. After all this I feel pain to hurt his feelings...there are so much love. And so much sadness it breaks my heart to tiny pieces every single day.
It is 34 days after.
I want to be able to breath again. I want me back. I dont know where I am or who I am anymore. For the hell I dont think I know anything anymore.
They say writing things down helps. So I write and I paint and I cry and than it is a good day and than it crashing again.
Anonymous, I'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. But please trust all of us when we tell it won't last forever. You are strong enough to bear this, I promise you. And you will be "you" again. I promise you that too. You will be a you who's wiser for the pain you've gone through and who's more grateful for the love she has in her life. Infidelity is crazy-making. We all feel a little nuts when we're going through it. We seek comfort from the same person who's caused us pain. Is he still with his affair partner? If so, I would resist turning to him and instead find people in your life who can hold you and let you cry. I'm glad you find painting and writing are helping. The key is to let your pain find its expression. Left unexpressed, it festers. But let it out and it can create something beautiful. You will get through this. I promise. You are still you, but you are in pain. Be gentle with yourself. And know that you have the strength to get through this.
Gem, "Happy" you is still there. None of us can be happy all the time. We all have peaks and valleys. And those valleys help remind us how spectacular the peaks are. So trust that when happiness returns, you will value it all the more.
Anonymous You are no more than the rest of us! I’m so sorry you are here reading and feeling this pain! The emotions you have are pretty normal given the upheaval of betrayal! We’re all trudging though on our own path but we all have the ups and downs you described! I went through many months of rage and I slung really mean and hateful and hurtful words at my h! He felt like he deserved it at the time! Maybe he did but it sure did leave me feeling ‘insane’! I’m further on down the path and my rage has calmed but it took my h lots of work to help me through! I’m not sure what your situation is but yes it does make sense that you need him to hug you and reassure you that he is willing to do that hard work to win the heart that he has crushed! It’s possible! I have seen some that have been through this stormy time and have a much better stronger relationship but it takes daily work from both to get through the worst of times! I’m sending you hugs and understanding!
Hi, my name is Amber, I met my husband in November 2009, we started dating March 2010 and got married October 2014. We have always had a strong relationship and we have been through so much together. We have been homeless three times together we have been shot at twice almost went off of the cliff of a mountain in Colorado during the winter and we have always managed to come out stronger than ever every time. In November 2017 I started working a new job where I was gone for 12 to 14 hours a day. About 2 weeks after starting my new job I found out my husband was chatting with my brother's wife, my own sister-in-law, his sister-in-law(technically) When I asked why he was talking to her in the first place he tried to tell me that they were just talking as friends and he was trying to help her with her alcoholism, she went through a LARGE bottle of vodka a day sometimes 2 bottles. It got to the point where I questioned everything because he was drinking with her, he would travel over an hour to go to her sister's house where she was after every fight with my brother over her alcoholism.
... to continue my story.. I mean how can you help someone with their alcoholism if you're drinking with them you should be trying to prevent them from drinking at all. Then in the middle January 2018, I know really recent, I found out that they have been exchanging dirty pictures and telling each other they were in love with each other. My husband looked me straight in the eyes while on the phone said "I am no longer in love with you I am in love with her I want to be with her I don't want you." Right then and there my heart shattered into a million pieces I bursted into tears and I left the room and went outside that's the only place I could Escape to. I always had a suspicion because he would sleep deprived himself just to talk to her he would stay up until 3 4 5 in the morning on the phone with her he would never want to stay in the same room as me to talk to her he would always step out back or go to the garage and lock himself in the car just to talk to her. I asked him repeatedly what is going on between the two of you and he would always respond with the usual we're just friends we're family for Christ's sake you have nothing to worry about you can trust me the usual BS a cheating ass sob says to his wife that he cheated on. He got to the point to where he constantly called me insecure and jealous and paranoid even told me I needed to go see a therapist. On January 27th I moved out of state as I was driving out of state he calls me on a three way call with her and tells me that they had slept together several times that he would sneak over there while I was at work and my brother was at work and she was alone in the house with her to newborn babies, which are white so I know they're not my husband's LOL, I am trying to get passed this he is traveled to the state I moved to a couple times begging for me to give him a second chance my heart says to do it go ahead and give him a second chance but I think my love for him is clouding my judgement I don't know if I can truly forgive him and move forward with our relationship I don't think I could ever trust him again, not completely. At the time of his infidelity I had suffered a miscarriage and it didn't really seem to phase him even though we have been trying to have a baby since we got married. He just told me recently within last couple days it was my attitude and the way I carried myself that pushed him to the point of infidelity. I was completely shocked instantly started crying asking myself, how is this my fault? I did not choose for him to have sex with my sister-in-law, my own brother's wife, his sister-in-law. How is this my fault why is this my fault how can I get passed this I don't know what to do my heart says stay but my mind says leave. I don't know what to do in this very rare situation I mean come on how many husbands cheat on their wives with their wives brother's wife? I looked him dead in the eye and I told him that there is no excuse for this, I told him he disgusts me, I told him that he could have cheated on me with anyone even a woman he had to pay for sex and that would have been better than what he has done to me. In my opinion that's borderline incest. Please, I need some advice on how to get passed this everytime I think about him in a sexual way all I can do is picture them together in bed in his favorite positions and I really hate it. I need help!
Amber J He is blaming you because he’s too big a coward to face his own truth! I’m so sorry you are hurting so bad but omg! You have been double betrayed! I can’t imagine how much hurt you feel not just from your h shitty treatment of you and the pain he’s caused but also by a family member? How twisted they both are! I just want you to know that this is NOT your fault! He they caused this with their selfish choices. First begin right now believe in yourself and know that you don’t deserve this and furthermore he must own his decision to cheat and lied to you many times. No excuses for that except selfish on both their parts! I’m going to also suggest a personal therapist that can help you deal with the trauma you are feeling! Read more of the current blog post and share your thoughts. You will find we’re all very understanding and kind to each other because we know exactly how you are feeling! Sending you hugs and love!
Amber J, I am so sorry for everything you've been through. I am so sorry for your miscarriage. That must have been devastating, and more so because your husband didn't pull closer to you in your mutual pain. You have been through hell. So many of us here know exactly what you're going through. Your husband's cheating trajectory (the obsessiveness, the denials, the admission, the blaming, etc. etc.) is so common. It's like these guys all read the same playbook or something. But you have it exactly right. Nothing YOU did made him cheat. He is completely responsible for his choice to cheat. And nothing you do will stop him from cheating again. So...if he even wants you to consider giving him a second chance (and it will be tough given the family dynamics -- I can't imagine your brother is too thrilled with your husband right now), he needs to tell you that he will do EVERYTHING to figure out why he risked his marriage to you for a woman who, clearly, has a whole lot of problems of her own. And then -- and here's the important part -- he needs to do it. He needs to find counselling, or a 12-step group or whatever -- and figure out why his head was so far up his ass that he made such a stupid mistake...and he needs to know how he's going to make sure he never makes such a stupid mistake again. And then, if you choose to give him a second chance, you will watch as he changes and grows and becomes a better man. If you don't see that, then that's your clue that nothing is going to change. It takes time. It takes radical honesty. It takes total responsibility on his part for the choice he made and then it takes both of you agreeing to take a hard look at the relationship and figure out how to make it better. It takes him supporting you in your pain. (And, speaking of which, I would encourage you, as well, to find some sort of counselling or support group or something to help you process the pain of betrayal.) But it's possible. There are many of us on this site whose marriages are strong and honest and we are glad we gave our husbands a second chance. But there are others whose husbands wouldn't step up. Remains to be seen which guy your husband is. But Amber J, please know this. You didn't deserve this. You deserve someone who supports you and values you and has your back. He can either be that guy...or you're better off without him. (Incidentally, is he working at all? Sounds like he has way too much spare time on his hands. If he's unable to find paid work, then perhaps he needs to volunteer somewhere. Do something useful with his time.)
It’s me again, I have tried to post my story but I guess it is being screened before publishing. I desperately need to reach out to somebody, I feel so lonely, sad, hurt and emotionally unstable that I feel I am Going to break down any min. I don’t want to talk to my friends, they all know my husband but I have never been in this situation and I feel i am drowning in my own pathetic helplessness.
Floren Valcarce I’m so sorry you found this blog because I know the pain you’re in as I remember all too well when I first found it! Most of the regular posters do so on the weekly post but some of us still see the post from this part. I’m not sure what to tell you about why your post didn’t make it but keep trying. We’re here for you and almost all of us felt exactly as you are feeling. I know I felt like it would never get better when I was drowning in the pit! It takes time and hard work but it’s possible to get through this pain. I’m going to suggest you start by finding a good therapist and then just breathing slowly be gentle with yourself as you processing the crazy stuff that happens post betrayal. I’m sending you hugs and love for it’s a miserable place when you feel like you are all alone. You are not alone we feel your pain!
Thank you. I found that through texts and later on checking out wireless bills that my husband has used at least three times escort women. He is extremely remoseful, sorry and willing anything it takes to save our marriage, we have three kids under the age of ten and have been together for eighteen years.
I looked through this blog and has helped tremendously, found a counselor through one of your suggested posts and had my first session yesterday.
I have bad triggers and awful anger issues at the moment but I feel I am taking care of myself. I need to look for a sat counsellor and that is also tricky. I have never done therapy and this is a new world with many options. The worst is that I have lost all trust in the man I thought was admirable. I am afraid that if I can keep pulling the string, a lot more stuff is going to come out.
Floren Valcarce, I'm glad you reached out for help and are getting it. And I'm very glad that you've found this site helpful. There is a ton of incredible wisdom here from women who know what you're going through. And please know this, most of all. You will get through this.
Hello ladies, I am a couple of days away from my 3 month anniversary of Dday. Background- we've been married for 9 years and together for 16. He was my first boyfriend and I've never been with anyone else. So, my husband was away on a business trip to Amsterdam, probably his 10th or 12th in the last 4 years(and me and the kids (4 and 1 year old)had tagged along most of the times). Anyway so on his last trip he haf meal with a colleague and went back to the hotel. Could fall asleep so went out for another drink by himself. One drink turned into 5 or six and then he decided to go to a strip club. After paying 10 euros for a lap dance he was asked if he'd like some more for 50 euros and he said yes. So she took him out of the strip club in another building in the red light district while holding hands. Then in this building she performed oral sex on him. Apparently, he couldn't come and paid and left. He came back the next day but didn't confess until 2 weeks later. We were habing some drinks at home and that's when he blurted it out. My life has been a living hell since that day. I can't get the images out of my head. The first week was just about crying and staying in the hole. Had to work in auto pilot for kids but wasn't actually present with them. I also moved into my son's room as I could stay in that room anymore. He said that he was really sorry and that it was a huge mistake and if he could go back in time he'd never do it. He says he'd like to change himself to be a better man. He watched a lot of porn and played games on his phone which he thinks could have been a reason. Also, his cousins who are very close to him were a bad influence according to me as one of them has had an extra marital affair for years and with the other one he went to a strip club before too. Anyway, I am devastated, confused lonely and still in shock. I don't know what to do. I've never been good with trusting people and now...After what he's done I don't think I can ever trust him again. But I feel responsible. I don't want to break the family for the kids sake. I don't know if I'd ever be capable of loving him again but want to try. I don't want to give up. But I really feel broken and crushed. My soul hopeless. Reading on this blog gives some strength as I know, unfortunately ,I'm not alone feeling these feelings. Self worth is zero and so is everything else inside me. I feel hollow and less capable of loving my kids as a result. I'm really struggling. We're seeing a MC, but not sure it's helping. Some days I can cope and other days I hate him so much for putting me through this!
Anonymous, As you know, from reading here, we know the pain you're in. And I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The shock, the disgust, the profound sadness. And yes, the loss of trust. I am in NO way suggesting that what your husband did wasn't devastating. But...I am going to point out to you that he told you about it. Clearly he's someone with a moral compass (admittedly a compass that wasn't working so well) and someone who respects you enough that he knows you deserve the truth. If he hadn't told you, chances are you never would have known. All of which is to say, I think he's redeemable. I don't think he's a bad guy. I think he's a good guy who made a really REALLY bad choice. Which is also to say...you get to decide whether he deserves a second chance or not. If you choose to leave, that doesn't change that HE made the choice to cheat, not you. It does not make the dissolution of the family your fault. It means that you made a choice that was the healthiest one for you. Your kids deserve a mother who models healthy behaviour. But my advice almost always on this site (except in cases of abuse -- emotionally or physical) is to give yourself time to really absorb the shock of this. Three months out is still really raw. I would urge you to find yourself a individual counsellor who is focussed solely on helping you heal from this, who can help you learn to trust again (especially yourself) and who can help you rebuild your self-worth. Often when we're brought to our knees by betrayal, there are other, older wounds that come to the surface. I'm wondering if that's the case for you. And maybe it's time to heal those as well. I know you're struggling. And that's okay. Your kids will be fine. Focus on you. Tell your husband that you agree that he needs to learn how to be a better person. Sounds like he's already doing some soul-searching. That's his job. Yours is to be gentle with yourself. Be patient with yourself. It will become clear whether or not you want out of this marriage or whether it's worth rebuilding. But that is not a choice to make right now.
I discovered my husband of 23 years having an affair on September 28, 2017. He had been seeing this women for 6 months. He then confessed to a 5 year affair before her. He gets angry when i keep saying 5 years as it was on again and off again. I kicked him out of our home. Let him back in. He was living in the basement, found out a month ago that he was texting her every night for almost a month, tried to arrange to see her at a music clinic at our sons university which our son woukd be attending. Freinded her on facebook and then took her out to dinner and a cuddle in the parking lot. He tells me now that he didnt know when i let him come home that he was to stop all contact with her, played all innocent. Just this weekend he said our sex life was not good for a long time, which was him as he did not approach me and if i approched him he would not have sex with me. He said after he started seeing these women that he wouldnt jave sex with me because he felt like he was cheating on his affair partner. I almost lost my mind. You can cheat on your wife with another women but had a concious and could not cheat on the other women woth your wife. He wants us to work on our marrage. I hurt so bad after him telling me this news. How can one man bring a strong, smart women to the brink of violence and dispare. Some days I want to die, just for peace and to stop the pain. I am looking for an apartment. When I find one I am gone. How did I live 23 years with this man and not know him.
Mary-Anne, There is an army of women on this site who can tell you EXACTLY how one man can bring strong, smart women to the point of violence and despair. By being a total lying ass, that's how. And then minimizing your pain. By blaming you for HIS lack of moral compass. By offering up the most twisted logic about cheating that I've ever heard (he was cheating on THEM?????). I'm feeling violent and despairing simply from reading your post. Sounds like you're wise to get an apartment and move out. If this is utterly out of character for him (ie. he has been an exemplary husband until this), then who knows? He might be redeemable, though you are under no obligation to give him a second chance. But if he continues to blame you, to say such drivel and to think this is about HIS pain and not yours, then walk away and don't look back.
Mary-Anne, I am so sorry you are here but glad you found this site. I think it is hard to comprehend. For us who have been betrayed everything our husbands have done defies all logic. I am over 3 years past dday and at this point my husband is shocked and disgusted with himself. But post dday he just said what he had to in order to tread water I guess. One thing is I focused on me since that was all I could control. And looking back with perspective he is 100% responsible and I have learned not to beat myself for not realizing what he was doing. He was sneaking around and lying directly to my face. That is on him. I agree with Elle figure out what you want to do. This is a long process of ups and downs but remember we are all here for you.
I am right at 7 months past D-day. My heart is so broken and I am struggling. I have been in love with my husband since I was 15 years old. We have been together for 38 years, married for 32. He is the love of my life and I thought our marriage was a fairy tale. My life has been plagued with cheating all around me so as a young married woman I told him that if he ever wanted to get rid of me the easiest way to do it is to cheat. I have said it for 32 years.
Last May a coworker reached out to my husband and asked him to help a friend that was moving get settled. She was from another country and needed help reading contracts, etc. She is 28, my husband 54. He ended up hanging blinds, putting together furniture and all sorts of things. I did not give it a second thought, it was normal for him to be helpful to people. She and her roommates invited him for a thank you dinner and I was happy for him to go. He came home that night and told me she asked him to be a mentor for her 8 year old son, that his father was not in his life. I told him that seemed a little much, but he felt sorry for the child. The next day there was an email from her asking him to take the child to a park so she could run errands. This is where I got concerned. I told him I was not comfortable with this anymore, that she was asking too much of a stranger. He went anyway, and told her and the roommates the way I felt, and that I needed to be involved. They laughed at him and said if she feels that way about us we don't want her around. So, he decided helping her was more important than the way I felt and he continued to do whatever she needed. You cannot imagine the list of things he did for this woman. He drew up a will for her, he went to the child's school to meet with his teacher, he arranged after school care and the list goes on and on. I think this is when she started the manipulation of his feelings.
On October 15th I picked up his laptop to google something. There it was in real time, she was We Chatting him with kiss and heart emoji's giving him her schedule for the day. He was out on a long bike ride and was seeing it on his cell phone. I read LU, MU. I assumed that meant love you, miss you and I was right. They said it to each other. When he got home I literally had a breakdown. He started telling me I was crazy that he was not having an affair, that she was falling in love with him but he did not love her back. He told her LU meant like you, that he was married. He knew he was leading her on, but he just wanted to help them. We talked for the entire day and he confessed to me that when he was working in a different country, he was getting massages with happy endings. He also befriended 2 girls in a bar that he went to once a week. At one point he let her sleep in his hotel room IN HIS BED, because she was in a fight with her roommate and did not want to go home. He swears to me he did not touch her. When he returned home after 5 years of traveling back and forth, he kept doing the massages here, and also wrote an ad for one of the women for Craig's list. I am completely grossed out by this and cannot understand what happened to the sweet man that I married. He let other women touch him. We were each other's first. I have never seen another man. This is a big deal to me and I thought to him as well. The next day he took me to a marriage counselor. She told him he was having an emotional affair, but he was still in denial. She sent him to his own counselor as well, and he met with this man 1 week later. This man told him he did horrible things to me and that he needed help. He gave him a book to read called "Not Just Friends" It was not until the second week of November that he realized he really was having an affair and took complete responsibility.
Meanwhile, I was close to being baker acted. My therapist made him sign papers that he would do things to keep me from truly killing myself. I did not get out of the bed for the whole month of November. We stayed in therapy for 2 months and by the end of December I started coming out of deep depression feeling like we would be ok. After all, he didn't love her right? Well, on Christmas eve, he left his phone next to me as he had done for 2 months like a good boy so I could be assured nothing was happening. I decided to look at his company email on his phone and there it was again. He had never stopped talking to her. But this time, it got real. He really did care and worry about her. That's all he can say is that he cared and he worried. Not loved.
What I did not know was, 8 days after D-day she called him because her roommate had her baby. They had been talking ever since. He was telling her details about our therapy which she started using against me. He told her he thought of her as a friend but was being told in therapy that he had feelings for her. She dug her claws in so deep and started manipulating my husband who has no back bone. For 2 weeks they discussed their "feelings" until he decided it was crazy and told her no more. He tried to break it off on November 15th, but she said she would not let him go and she wanted to talk to me and ask me to give him up. He knew my state of mind so he told me it was then that he just started placating her to keep her away from me. He met with her on December 4th and told her again that he was working on his marriage but she cried and told him she was going to our house. They set a date of January 3 that she could talk to me, but in his head he was trying to get thru the holidays so Christmas wasn't ruined and then it could blow up and he could get rid of her. Again, December 20th he told her to stop and she left crying. She told him her parents knew about him and they did not like it. They were arranging a fixed marriage for her and the boy was coming from her country to meet her. This was a lie of course, she was trying to make him feel bad and leave me. We called her together on Christmas Eve and told her to never contact him again and to my knowledge she has not reached out.
He is still in therapy. He is going 2x a week and I am going 3x trying to get my life back. My therapist will not start couples therapy until she feels I am ready. All I do is ask questions and get hurt and want to die. Last night, he lost his temper with me and called me a psycho bitch. I am pushing him away with my pain that I can't seem to get past. I am on Wellbutriin and that does not seem to help. I am in so much pain and I am so tired of feeling like this. I cannot get the things out of my head that he wrote to her in emails. He told me he was so scared I would leave him and he would lose me and all of our friends. He thought she would be the only friend he would have. I think that's bull crap. He could have stopped it if he wanted to. Its black and white to me. I know I love him, and I know he loves me. But I don't know if I want to be with a man that did these things to me. I am broken, please help me.
Anonymous, I am so so sorry for the pain you're in. It's ironic that, in the midst of the worst pain of our lives, we're often counting on the person who caused it to support us through it. Your husband is clearly a broken, emotionally mixed up man. Counting on him right now to do anything more than get himself together is probably too much. It's setting you up for repeated disappointment because he just can't handle your pain. Unfair, absolutely. But often the way it is. I would urge you to continue doing what you're doing -- getting help for yourself and building up your own emotional strength as you wrestle with how someone you trusted and love could cause such pain. But asking HIM to help you with that isn't going to work because he's still wrestling with how he could have behaved the way he did over years. He doesn't have the answers to the questions you're really seeking: How can someone who loves us make such painful choices? Why would he risk losing the person that matters for people who don't? It's HIS job to figure that out. And it's YOUR job to focus on you and keeping yourself safe, until you have the strength and a bit more emotional clarity to be able to listen to the answers when they come. Anonymous, whether or not you stay with him isn't a decision for right now, though if you think physical distance might help, then consider a separation. But I think, right now, you're still in survival mode. It's about day to day. I promise you won't feel like this forever. Take it moment my moment, day by day. The pain that's got your heart in a vise grip will loosen. For now...rest. Give yourself permission to just work on you and healing your own heart. And insist that if your husband even wants you to consider being there when he gets his act together, he needs to have absolutely NO contact with anyone that you don't know about, especially this woman, who is absolutely poison. There is an army of women on this site, Anonymous, who know the pain you're in. We've been there. And many of us are not there anymore. And we can support you and guide you as you move along your path to healing. You are worthy. And the world needs you and the gifts you bring. Trust that you are strong enough to get through this.
It's me again. So, I found out last week that he was still lieing. I knew deep down he was. He told me during one of his massages, a naked girl rubbed her body all over him. He said they did not have intercourse, just a happy ending. And then, he told me he made out 2 times with the asshole he had the affair with. Kissing and groping in the car, the 2 times they met in December to break it off. Now I am left with vivid images of them kissing. He gave her intimacy that belonged to me. I am so full of hate for her. I want so badly to send her a letter and tell her she is trash. My friend helped me realize that I am stuck. It's been 7 months and we are not progressing. I love him just as much as I want a divorce, so I am stuck. I told him last week that I would try as hard as i can to move forward. And I meant it. But sometimes I look at him and I feel nothing but disgust and I am grossed out. I love him, but I also hate him. I don't feel safe. Oh, one more thing. The therapist told him if she ever contacted him again to get with me and together we decide how to handle it. Well, she went to him on Jan 3 (the day he was going to make it end so he says). She told him she had to hear it from him again, that he did not love her and he was staying with me. Well, he never told me he saw her. Even the many times I asked, he kept lieing. He did not even tell the therapist he made out with her. He thinks its just a detail that does not matter. I don't know if he is being completely honest with the therapist. He seems like he is trying so hard for me. I see that he is, but I don't know why I can't just move on. I am stuck. I am in love with a man that I don't know if I want anymore
I am 8 months past D day and I’m having a hard time moving past the affair. My husband and I went back and forth a few times and every time he ran back to her. He finally realized he wanted to be with me and loves me. I want our marriage to work but I don’t trust him. Is it not right that I keep bringing things up that happened with him and the OW? He gets so mad and defensive. All I think about is them together and all the lies he told me. I know that if I want things to work with us I should leave it alone but it’s so hard and I just don’t know how. I feel like if I don’t say anything about it to him every time we speak I will explode. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to keep my mouth shut when it’s something I think about constantly. I don’t have many friends to talk to about it and I don’t want to talk to my family. How can I get past it? He actually does seem to be trying his best to make me happy but he said if I keep bringing it up and questioning everything he does it will push him away.
Hi Anonymous 5/17. I’m in a similar situation as you. I fully get what you’re going through. You are stuck in a place of trying to understand what his affair means about your relationship and your future. Have you talked about why he felt like he could cheat? What rationalizations he made? Why he felt so alone and that he couldn’t turn to you and sought out something else? I think until we get answers to those questions we are stuck. And even after we get answers we are stuck because we don’t trust them.
I am 4.5 months past dday and I’m in the same space. I’m driving him away with my constant anger, sadness and fear. I get it. I suck to be around. And I too feel like if I’m experiencing a trigger he should know about it. I guess I still want him to hurt and know how much I hurt. Only, I see it’s making things worse. He is doing everything right. He has apologized hundreds of times, cut off communication with her, assured me over and over that he loves me and wants me, cut down on drinking, stepped up in parenting. He’s working really hard. He asked me yesterday what else can he do. All I can think is go back in time and not cheat. He is questioning if I can ever forgive him and get over this. I’m not sure. It makes him feel hopeless and then I feel hopeless too. We have set aside one day a week to talk about our relationship and I have not stuck to it, even though I know that this constantly coming up is killing what is left of our marriage. Today he told me he can’t do this anymore. That we are both miserable and something needs to change. I see clearly that it’s me. I mean he really has done everything in his power to support me and I am the one who keeps backpedaling. So I’m going to really try to live in the present for a while. To stop bringing this up for a while. I think it’s the only thing that will work right now. How many times do I need to hear he is sorry before I leave him alone? Why do I want him to wallow in his shame?
Thats exactly it. I feel pain all day everyday. It never leaves me. And I try as hard as I can to push these thoughts away. But when this happens, he seems so happy and like everything is normal again. Like he doesn't hurt, just me. And then I resent him for being happy. I may seem ok for a few days on the outside but inside I am so sad, scared, hurt and angry. I do the same thing. I bring it up and he gets mad because he thinks I'm going backwards. My therapist told me to stop. That the OW is not worth my emotions or thoughts, I agree with that but I can't just stop. I love my husband but sometimes I look at him and I cannot believe he did this. After 38 years he completely broke my heart. I don't know how to get past the anger. I am just trying to get thru the day. We did not ask for this, and they need to understand it won't just go away. My whole body feels like I have butterflies. I am losing my mind. I cannot imagine life without my husband, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for all that he has done. And I want her to suffer too. Why does she get to dig her claws in and try to take him with no consequences?
Anonymous, Eight months is still quite raw, though I know it probably feels like you've aged a lifetime. And I think it's important to be able to talk to your husband, though I know neither of you want this to dominate conversation even if it does dominate your thoughts. Do you journal? That can be a really helpful way of getting what's in your head down on the page. Do you have a therapist where you can just empty your head of all the thoughts and worries and fears? A safe place with someone who can rebuild your strength? Do you have an exercise regime -- where you can shift focus to whatever you're doing, to focus on your body? Or a meditation practice where you can, day after day, learn how to bring your thoughts back to focussing simply on your breath? Anything you can do where you regain control over your thoughts because that's what they are -- thoughts. But those thoughts have a way of gaining steam if they go unchecked. Maybe you and your husband can have a code word so that you can let him know when you're hurting and when you need a show from him of his support and his acknowledgement of the pain you're in. My husband and I used "muskrat" (long story). Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. See what you can do to control what you can, trust that time will take care of some of it, and give yourself time and space to just feel it sometimes. What we resist, persists.
I agree with so much of what Elle has said. Honestly I agree that it is so soon. We are over 3 years past dday and honestly there are still hard days. And I am still guarded. This is a hard process with ups and downs. A lot of my current issues relate to the fact that at this point I have really high expectations. Higher than ever.
Here are my tips for earlier on. We set one time a week to talk about everything. That way it was not constant every day. I honestly did not want to talk about it all the time. We spent the other days doing things together cooking, walking, working out, going to the movies etc. I did journal every day. Before we would meet to talk I would look back at my week. It helped me see what was a recurring issue. By going through this process it helped me be more focused and less emotional and tangential. In the end I benefited more feeling like we got more accomplished and he was less defensive. I also started seeing a therapist at about 5 months or so past dday. This helped me a lot. It was a sounding board and a place to form my thoughts, figure out my next step and gain validation. My therapist really helped me work through the pain and start to allow myself to be more vulnerable.
As far as triggers go anytime I anticipated one I told my husband. Or if it was after the fact I brought it up. He needs to know about this. I decided early on I was not going to sit with my feelings but speak up. I try to do it in as positive as a way as possible. This has worked well and many times he said he already thought of it too. We have a plan then for whatever the potential trigger is or what to do next time to avoid the trigger.
Honestly this is a really hard process. This is a major trauma for all of us and I think even for our husbands. I would say when we got past the one year mark it really hit my husband. At this point I think it affects him more than me. And we have both gotten to a point where this is a part of our history and we take it into account pretty much in all aspects of our lives. We did get past the major pain of infidelity but then how do you shape a marriage you want going forward. This is something we work on daily. Nothing is perfect but for me I have had to really work hard at focusing on the present. Neither of us can change the past so I focus on do his actions match his words. And if things do not feel right I speak up, if I need something I speak up.
NorCal I couldn’t figure out why I needed my h to wallow in his shame either but I think it was because of how I found out and then his crazy ow just wouldn’t leave us alone. When she did finally leave us alone, I continued to have triggers and my rage would return and I lashed out at him. This happened at least 3 times and the last time almost led us to a separation. Neither of us wanted that. I don’t know how we made it through that year but time has helped us rebuild our relationship! It takes real work from both partners. Sending hugs!
My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I had been feeling some type of way with him. Everything was an argument and there was very little talking until January 12 when he came home and handed me a card and said you can call the lawyer and he'll explain everything, and I will sign the papers. I was confused thinking what are you talking about? I was thinking that you are going to let another man speak for you. What a coward!! As the story unravels, he was a high ranking law official and he wasn't working in the jail, but low and behold after a female inmate was discharged a week later they had an encounter and she was pregnant. She had spent 9 months in jail and as he tells it, he didn't know her then. She inboxed him on Facebook and they met up and had sex. From this one encounter, she became pregnant. She began to blackmail him, and make threats. This became her 4th child. After researching her, I found out that she has a history of framing men for money. However, not knowing how my husband really spells his name, she named the baby after him, and spelled everything wrong. Lie after lie, he tried to tell. Wanting nothing to do with the baby or him, I only agreed to stay in the marriage with marriage counseling. I have always kept God first in my life and only wanted a Christian based marriage counselor. I was too embarrassed to go to my church for counseling. Fast forward to now, we get the little guy every other week for a week, and most times he doesn't want my husband, but me. He wants me to do everything for him. The jail bait that did this, really does not want him. We always have my little guy more than we should because of her not wanting him which we are making legal preparations for full custody. MC helped me through this, but I truly feel like if it wasn't for the 17 month old little guy, I would be gone.
Michelle, I'm so sorry -- I just saw this post now. Wow. You are made of incredible stuff to be able to accept this little man into your life and your heart. I bow to you and your compassion and your mercy. I hope your husband can find his way back to his own moral compass. And I wish you weren't too embarrassed to go to your church for counselling. Nobody has any right to stand in judgement of you. In fact, I would hope they too would be awed by your ability to live out your Christian principles and embrace an innocent child. I hope you're doing okay and, again, I'm so sorry I missed this post.
Michelle This sounds like you are the only adult present in this child’s life! What a blessing you are to him when his parents can’t do what he needs! I’m sorry you have been going through this alone but I think if you reach out to your church family they should understand that you are doing your best in the worst of situations! Sending you hugs and prayers that you can continue to be strong for that little guy!
I chose this name because my husband's infidelity has gone on since before we were married - mostly emotional, and twice physical. The relief of the passing of the initial heartbreak and betrayal is intoxicating, and I have to keep reminding myself that it does not and will not ever be the same as resolution. I don't think he is capable of walking through that fire.
The most recent physical infidelity was for a year, starting 2 1/2 years ago. He was out of town on a gig during a rough period in our relationship, and he chose to use that as his excuse to escape into the arms of another woman. I caught him on his phone (messenger) and patiently watched until I had enough hard evidence Then at the end of the year, I told him I knew when he told me he was about to go back and do the gig again, where she would also be in the same show again. He jumped to the conclusion that someone told me about it. I told him I wasn't going to make him do anything and that he had to make the decision. He went. He let me do the talking and boundary setting and just nodded in agreement as he prepared to go. The main boundary was that he never, under any circumstances meet or talk with her outside of rehearsals or shows. Ever. It took him three days before he was sitting at a coffee shop with her repairing and making sure the air was clear with her and that he could safely walk with his head held high in rehearsals. He gave her the repair and apologies he had yet to be able to give me. He was only able to blame his choices on thinking we were done because we were in such a rough spot. He did tell me about this - He thought that made him a hero. Short memory with promises.
His crossing of that boundary made me pull away. I moved him into another room before he returned from the contract and we told his parents we are divorcing. That was January of '18. Since then, we have kept up appearances for everyone else and the kids, because neither of us has been able to move forward and we do not communicate unless I bring it up and hand hold him through it. He just nods and agrees, and leans on "I don't know" as his go-to answer to hard questions. I keep feeling drawn into the possibility that there is something to save - because we are not in immediate crisis. But we are not communicating about anything of import. We certainly have not done any work to repair. I am just expected to get over it.
Now, in July, he has just told me he is going back once again to do that show with her in it again. He has also been in correspondence with an ex-love who is coming into town this summer to see his show on my birthday. He hasn't told me. The same woman to whom he failed to mention his wife had just born him twins two days before when she had emailed him and asked directly about his wife and daughter.
Our lives are so intertwined. He is essentially my boss. My professional and personal world are tied up in him, in the small town where we live, and while I do have my own identity here, he runs the place, so due to his actions, leaving him means I am punished -- not him. I love my life here. My children do too. And I am dying inside. Paralyzed to move forward, and so sick and stuck inside of it.
Came here because I needed to tell my story in a safe place where the people here don't also want or need a job from him. Praying for clarity and courage. Thank you for this forum.
RINR, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in and for the spot you feel stuck in. It sounds as if you're the only adult in this relationship. I'm not sure if you're asking for advice but it sounds to me as if you don't want to give up on the marriage but aren't quite sure what's left to save. And he's certainly not meeting you halfway. You could carry on the way you are -- not rocking the boat. Though I suspect that would slowly kill your soul. You could tell him that you want to rebuild a marriage with him but only with very clear boundaries, total honesty and a commitment from him to seek therapy to pull his head out of ass. Or you could begin to disentangle yourself from your intertwined professional lives and begin to create a life that's entirely your own. Whatever you choose, RINR, I think you're going to be okay. You sound incredibly level-headed. But I know too that this is heartbreaking. Still...it's your life and you deserve to be able to live it without wondering what he's doing in the shadows. If you do decide to leave, please don't blame yourself for it. He's the one who made the choice to go outside the marriage. And no, you were not "over" just because you were going through a rough patch. If he truly thought the marriage was over, he wouldn't have needed to be secretive about it and lawyers would have been involved. In any case, keep us posted here about how you're doing. As you've likely noticed, the women here don't judge. They just pull you close and remind you, as often as you need it, that you're going to get through this.
Reliefisnotresoultiion I’m glad you were brave enough to share your story and your pain! I’m so sorry you had a reason to find this blog! I know the pain is really hard but I’m here to tell you that it won’t always be this bad no matter which direction your marriage goes. You are in the company of some of the most amazing women and we want you to know that you are not alone! Sending hugs!
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I was absolutely asking for a reflection back, so I really appreciate it. I have articulated clear boundaries, seeking therapy, and all that you suggest. He is either not willing or not able. I think it is more of the latter, and because he is unwilling to seek out therapy, there is no hope of tackling that end. I am very level-headed. I walk him through his leadership job nearly every day, and am quite successful myself. In this case, I feel like I need to be told what to do. That is not me. It is also not me, though, to be in a position of powerlessness and voicelessness. My line of work is in advocating for women. That dichotomy feels ridiculous. I feel shame in finding myself in this place, seemingly unable to advocate for myself -- the very action I have made my life purpose to empower others to do. I thank you for your time and energy in responding to this post. I feel not-so-alone as a result of your kindness.
I hope you can work through that shame and, instead, feel solidarity with the women you try to help. It's hard work to find our voice and learn how to use it. And you're allowed to take time to digest your options. So often we think we need to take a stand RIGHT NOW. We don't. Taking time to really work things through is a perfectly acceptable response. Find the solid ground beneath our feet is important. I would urge you to remain conscious to whether you're giving yourself time...or are too fearful to make a move. Still okay to wait. But you don't want to remain paralyzed by fear forever. Hang in there, RINR. We're about to run out of space on this thread (for some reason, this blog platform cuts off comments at 200) but feel free to post your thoughts/questions/whatever on other posts. You're among friends.
RINR, I am so sorry you find yourself here. I agree with Elle that you sound level headed and I can tell you have done a lot of serious thinking about all that has happened. When I look back I think some of what you are going through took time for me. I had a great career myself but also supported my husband's career. I paid to support us, paid for his advanced education and paid to start up his business. We decided together to move to where we live now when we were young yet had been married for a few years. This is not the best option for my career. I could still work but I would not advance like I would in other cities. However I felt based on our very detailed conversations we were doing this as a team. I also never pushed to have kids but he did. It just took me longer to warm up to the idea. I love my career and my kids but with both. However I feel like at least to the outside world he has this image of what a great career he has and what a great dad he was. He is really successful and great at what he does and he was an okay dad but in the end was detached for 10 years while he had two affairs.
For me beyond all of the horrible things to get over related to his betrayal the hardest part might be this feeling of I thought we were a team. And I did give up a lot. Along the way he said some not so nice things since he was an excellent person at gas lighting. All in order to make me feel bad about who I was and so he would not feel so bad. I think Elle is right that you could just move through life but you also could start to create a plan and not be intertwined with him career wise.
And I find it hard too that I struggle with making decisions and speaking up about the betrayal to the outside world especially. However society had a misconception of betrayal. I had those misconceptions before dday.
I don’t know where to post or where to ask questions. I am lost in my situation right now. I have been with my husband for 15 years. He is(was?) a serial cheater. He was cheating on me even before we were married. I found out the first time three days before we were supposed to get married....writing on the wall huh? But every single time I stayed. Before it was because of fear. What would I do without him? I can’t live without him. Can’t do that to my kids. Three years ago, he “fell in love” with another woman. Started out as a cheating thing for him but he eventually decided she was fun, and broken enough, to want to stay with her. That is, until I found out and he suddenly dumped her. She kept calling and texting him, he met up with her two weeks after because she insisted she might be pregnant. He freaking held her hand as they waited in a park for the stick to change. I had tracked and followed him... 8 months of hell ensued. Basically I felt crazy, because I felt he wasn’t “done” cheating. Had a feeling but he wouldn’t let me track him, kept his phone locked and hidden when he was home, most of the time if their sorry they put it all out there for you to see. He wasn’t. So I knew he was still cheating. This time I hacked into his phone and tracked him to another woman’s place. Luckily it was an apartment and I had no clue which one. So I waited by his car. The day we were to sign on our new home. He was getting “just a blow job” from her for a while. Met her at a grocery store and she was persistent so he said sure. I was livid. Said nothing to him other than “I’m f-ing done”. I wasn’t about to not have my house because he’s dumb, and I’m a great actress because the gu we signed with thought I was happy and in a great mood. After, hubby kept pushing and pleading. I wouldn’t speak to him. Because I was not in the right mind I took my kids off to my moms for a week. I needed to get straight. For those few days I was dying. I was hurt and broken to the core, but the amount of anger I had in me was over powering. I yelled at him. Told him how horrible he was and how he constantly made me feel like I was losing my mind when I KNEW he was up to no good.
Eventually, I caved. But I told him that I didn’t know if I was going to trust him. That he was going to spend a very long time rebuilding that because after 15 years I didn’t know how to trust him. He spent the last three years proving to me he was faithful. He lets me look at his phone, though I haven’t asked in a long time. I can track him if I want, again haven’t in a while. He tells me when he leaves work and where he’s going. He basically does all the things he never ever did in our entire relationship and marriage.
But right now, I am losing my mind. I keep thinking about the woman he fell in love with. I check her FB constantly. I was happy when she was dating. But now she isn’t and she’s sad and posting things about being in love once and bla bla bla. This is literally the time of year I found out about her. Three years ago this month. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much now. His behavior is no different. I know if I picked up his phone he wouldn’t say anything. If I checked where he was he’d be at work. His behavior toward me is not changed. As it always had when he cheated.
But I can’t make this feeling go away. I constantly worry about her contacting him. Not that he will find someone else, but that he will go back to her if she does. I don’t want to think about her anymore. But I’m obsessed and it’s causing me to feel insecure and depressed. I don’t know what to do ��.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad that you found us. The women on this site know your pain. And lots of us have obsessed about the OW. Are you in therapy yourself? Is your husband? Rebuilding trust takes a long time, as you've noted. But there's also the process of rebuilding trust in yourself, which goes a long way toward helping us feel safe in this world again. I wonder if your obsession with the OW is a way of keeping yourself vigilant -- of ensuring you don't get blindsided again. Thing is...that hyper-vigilance just keeps us tired and crazy-feeling. And it doesn't really do anything to stop a determined cheater from cheating. Which is why I'm wondering if, despite your husband's stellar behaviour, is not enough repair work has been done for you to begin feeling safe. Does he understand why he cheated for so many years? Is he clear on the many lines he allowed himself to cross before he got to the actual cheating? Does he understand that what he really wanted was the fantasy rather than the actual woman? And is he clear on what this "in love" was actually about? (ie. you don't dump someone you're "in love" with as soon as it's inconvenient). Can you talk to him about what you're feeling? Is he able to support you in your pain? Some of this is on you, of course. I would urge you to delete her from all social media. Find ways to stop thinking about her (an elastic band around your wrist, for instance, that you snap HARD as soon as you're tempted to stalk). Because she isn't really the problem. If you're beginning to trust him and you trust yourself (do you have an escape plan of what you'll do if you find out he's cheating again? I would advise it), then what this woman is doing with her life is of no concern to you. I think she's a distraction -- a sort of lightning rod for all your anxiety and pain. Far easier to focus on her than you/your husband. However, it's hard to know exactly since I don't know the whole situation. If you comment on the most recent blog posts, you'll get a lot more readers/comments. I'm sure plenty of the others will have support and advice. In the meantime, please know you're among friends. We've been there. And many many of us have learned how to navigate our way out.
I have talked with him. A lot of his cheating behavior was because he likes being able to manipulate people, and he’s into some very kinky stuff. Things he never talked with me about because he felt I wouldn’t accept it and also that he can’t see me the way he does all the women he fantasizes about. Basically I’m too wholesome in his eyes. So he would seek out girls who he could get into some interesting kinds of fetishes. I.e. dominance, chaining/thing, handcuffs, blindfolding. We have talked and he doesn’t think he was in love with her really, just the idea of what he could have had, which was fun without the burden of family. He was only considering leaving when I didn’t know anything. But she wasn’t like his other affairs. She wouldn’t have gone for any of that...I know WAY too much about her for my own good. He says he sees what he was doing, and we’ve had many many many long talks. At one point I told him I was having a hard time. When we have sex he tends to bring up threesomes and things he likes. Always involving other women. This bothers me. So I told him that I couldn’t do that anymore. That I didn’t judge him for his thoughts, but I couldn’t hear it and be OK. I also told him that if he needed other women than he needed to leave. He insisted that he doesn’t need them. That he works on himself daily and works hard not to revert to the behavior that led him to cheat each time.
To be honest, it’s been our entire relationship that he cheated. So I know nothing more than his infidelity. I do tell him when I’m feeling insecure and having a hard time. He tries to help but in those moments he can’t do a whole lot.
I do tend to worry. If we don’t have sex it’s because of me. Because it’s boring. And I immediately think of all the things he’s been willing to do with others. Regardless of what I say he still won’t change it up with me. Again, because he can’t see me as wife/mom AND a sexual being. Giving him a blow job is sometimes weird for him. So, I get in my head, I get worried, and then I go looking for trouble.
I will go and read more posts and chat with others. I am staying anonymous though because my family is nosy and I don’t need their input. Thank you for replying as well. Having others to talk to who won’t judge me or hate on him helps.
6 weeks ago I found out my husband was having another affair. I’d suspected for months, recognised the behaviour and even accused him of having an affair with this specific women. 3 years previously I’d joined the club nobody wants to join and we where in reconciliation or so I thought. Back in January he cane in from walking our dog, telling me all about this women, how her husband had left her and how she was struggling with walking her dogs and a toddler. Something made me sit up and take notice. A few weeks later he came in with her phone number. She wanted the details of the person who made our dogs coat, could I message her? I stupidly thought my husband was learning about boundaries, he’d came to me with the number! I told him to text her, what a fool. I know it still would of happened but I wish I’d just said something...Fast forward to June 24 and I track his mobile with the find friends app to her house. He jumped the garden wall to run home when I knocked on the door. A neighbour told me she was in the garden with her child! Cutting a long story short he tried to deny it, admitted being in the house but that it wasn’t what it looked like, 8 days later he finally confessed to a sexual affair beginning feb/March. I am beyond broken. He watched me go through the agony 3 years ago, subjecting me to trickle truth and going back to the other women twice. The 3 years if reconciliation as you all know have been so hard. I felt I was finally coming out of the dark, only for the sky to fall in on me again. I saw the red flags, I asked, he denied. I had to turn detective to confirm his cheating. Had I not caught him it would still be happening. I vowed I’d not forgive a second affair yet here I am not wanting this to be the end. This time it’s on my doorstep. The woman knew me and my youngest child. She is a child psychologist which would be laughable if this situation wasn’t so tragic. She called me to deny an affair, when he confessed she said he’d told her he was divorced. She’s lying further telling my dog walking friends my husband left me as I’d had an affair with another dog walker. I can’t believe that she’d try and damage me, the innocent one further by lying about me. I’m so confused. My husband is a liar and a cheat. He’s done this a second time knowing the enormity of the pain he would unleash by his actions. I’m struggling to cope, to parent, to function. Can I rebuild my marriage? Do I want to? Why do I feel love for this man after this latest betrayal. We have been married 13 years, together 15, 2 children. I’m a stay at home parent and we are both 40. Sorry to ramble, it’s so hard to articulate. This site saved me last time, I’m sorry to be back. This is my first post after many years of daily lurking.
Anonymous I can’t even imagine the pain of a second betrayal! I’m sure it’s excruciating knowing that he knows how much he hurt you the first time! Only you can choose if you want or can give him a chance to rebuild but it doesn’t appear that he figured out what caused the first time he cheated and that’s key for him to know what to do with ‘temptations’! I know the pain of betrayal but I’m not sure if I could do that again! I hope that I never have to find out! That said, have you returned to therapy? Lurking here keeps me grounded as well because my h and I are working hard for our relationship but we struggle just like all marriage relationships do. There’s no easy choice when a partner does that unthinkable again! I can just feel your pain offer a hug and just know that what ever you decide when you feel clear about what you need there’s no judgment here! We are all big hearted souls that know that raw pain!
Oh Anonymous, I am so sorry you need us again. A second betrayal can feel worse than the first (if that's even possible) because they KNOW better. They KNOW the pain they've caused. There's no way to minimize that. So please know how sorry all of us are. You likely remember us talking on this site about Next Right Step, which is all you need to do right now. You don't need to make a big decision. You just need to focus on your Next Right Step, which, if you're not already in therapy, should include getting support for what you're going through via a therapist. You need someone to remind you that you can get through this, who knows you and the situation and can help you figure out where you go from here. Did you have any consequences in place if he cheated again beyond the threat of divorce? If you didn't, it's time to figure out what that is right now. Do you want a separation? Or maybe he sleeps on the couch? Have you told your extended family? Friends? I'm not suggesting any of these over anything else...just want you to consider what the consequences are for him violating your vows yet again. We also talk on this site about an Exit Plan, which is essentially pre-planned action so that when/if you're blindsided, you turn to it rather than have to think it through when you're in crisis. But, again, Next Right Step. Which must include radical self-care right now. Can you get some help with your children to give you some space to focus on you? Can you take some time away to clear your head? Also...if you have the strength right now, I would find the governing body for psychologists (a therapist for you would likely know) and report this woman. Maybe nothing will happen, or maybe she'll lose her licence. Certainly sounds like she shouldn't be counselling anybody. You will get through this, Anonymous, whatever happens. But take some time to think through consequences (which are boundaries) and seek help for yourself. In the meantime, we're here to keep holding your hand and reminding you that you'll get through this. Just sucks that you have to.
Anon, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel, our stories are very similar. I’ve been mostly a stay home mom & when I worked it was around my kid’s schedules. There were 8 years in between my husband’s 2 affairs. It took a good 3 years before I started to feel like myself again & to begin to trust, and five years before I felt normal. I’m about a year out of the second affair. I’m better, you will be better too.
I too, was here at bwc after the first affair. I returned when I suspected that he might be cheating again. I didn’t want to be here, we shouldn’t have to be after already having gone through this nightmare! The first affair was with someone I didn’t know & does not live near us. The second was a close friend from our inner circle. She and I were good friends, so I thought. We invited her into our home and she knew my kids very well. All the while they were cheating right under my nose. I saw the signs & thought I was going crazy because never again would he put me through that kind of hell again. When it’s your husband and a friend, it feels like there’s a knife in your heart & one in your back. Elle’s right, the second is much worse than the first. I feel like the hurt betrayal causes is like a crime for which there is no punishment for the offenders. It’s like there’s no justice. Yet- we are not powerless.
Right now, you need to know that you did not deserve this and that breaking your vows was his choice, not yours. It is not your fault whatsoever. Something in him caused him to cheat- he has to figure that out. Individual (for both of you) and marriage counseling should help. Yes, our pasts shape our present behavior, as do addictions like porn, gambling, drug & alcohol abuse. Is any of that going on? If you end up deciding to work on your marriage- don’t leave any stone unturned in therapy. Our first therapist missed the boat entirely as to the cause of his cheating and he cheated again 8 years later. My husband has done an incredible job getting to the core of why he cheated. I have hope that things will be better.
Breathe, Anon. Vow to do something for yourself every day. Do something physical if you can- walk, run, do a workout video. There are 15 minute videos you can do if time is limited with the kids. Make this your mission- you need the endorphins. Show yourself how strong you are. For your mental health- there’s short 5 or 10 meditations online. Yoga Nidra worked wonders for me. YouTube has great sleep meditations. Start a gratuity journal. Look outside & find something beautiful. Notice things you haven’t before. At the end of the day, reward yourself for getting through another day- you did it. And remember that you are not alone.
Ladies, thank you so much for your kindness and words of wisdom. He’s staying with his mother 20 miles away but I have seen him regularly when he collects the children. He is adamant he will get help and that he doesn’t want to divorce. We are struggling for money to pay for therapy as he only recently returned back to work following being made redundant last May. I appreciate he was under immense pressure financially throughout this period and it’s interesting he’s turned to another affair rather than me as perhaps a way of self medicating. Elle, I have thought long and hard about an exit plan over the years so that I’d not be so vulnerable if he was to cheat again. My elderly father died last May, my mother and I had cared for him which also added to why I couldn’t work. What with his redundancy, my fears and my wish to return to work I enrolled on a return to professional practice course with a local university. My mother would help with childcare and my husband was never longer working away. The course was hard, I nearly gave up several times over but I did it, finishing May this year. I was awaiting exam results and needed to apply to the regulatory body for my professional registration to practice. I’d got a temporary post then I found out about the affair. Like I said I find functioning hard. My doctor has given me medication for anxiety. It helps. When I was out working he was cultivating an affair. That hurts so much. I don’t know if I can return to my profession? I am a midwife and I had to face my fears of dealing with couples and the happiness and joyful emotion of welcoming your child into the world. How would I cope with the bereavement? I did though and he knew how hard it was for me. Now though, I don’t think mentally I could cope. I need to earn money but I can’t process much at the moment. I haven’t even applied for my registration yet! I’m a mess. Gem, your experience sounds truly horrific. I’m so sorry you experienced a double betrayal. What made you decide that he was worthy of a second chance? Elle, you saved me 3 years ago. I owe you a debt of gratitude I can’t put into words. Thank you for all that you do. You are a port in a storm for so many broken souls. I’m so sad we all have to find our way to you. Thank you again ladies.
Anon, I am so sorry you are going through this again. I'm a little over three years past D-day and I can't imagine going down this road a second time. I am a professional also and my therapist advised me to continue with my CEU's and keep my license because you just never know. I also work with "happy" families and the first couple of years were harder than now. Please keep your license/registration current. I look at my license as "money in the bank". I've learned not to put my fears on the faces of those families I serve. They are hopeful. Just because some of us married broken, lying, cheating, narcissistic, spineless men does not mean that all men are like that and I certainly do my best to give my client families the benefit of the doubt. We need midwifes. In my work, I also see a lot of families who suffer fetal demise. My heart breaks for them and they often keep in touch with me over the years. My heart sings when they move forward with another pregnancy. They do not let the past dictate the future. That is what we all aspire to. I don't want my past to dictate my future and I certainly have decided not to let my husband's behavior ruin my life although that is what I use to say. Now, I know, nobody is going to ruin my life. Hugs to you and your next best step. Please do not throw out your life and livelihood because of your husband. Don't let him ruin your life. Much love and hugs.
Anon, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband is in the mental health field. Granted he was the wayward spouse he focuses on using what he has learned in the process to support and help others. He feels it has elevated his practice and made a huge difference in dealing with everyone, not just betrayal. He is in tune with family and couple dynamics now. He used to not focus on that partially since he was ashamed of what he was doing. Now though he said that is a source of great pride and feeling like he is giving back. I know you are not in the mental health field but it touches every profession. I agree keep current on your credentials and maybe see if you can help others along the way beyond the medical aspect. Thinking of you!
Anonymous, I hope you can find your way back to a career in which you provide stability and support for women going through childbirth. Yes, it's a joyful time. But, when things don't go perfectly (which, as you know, happens more than lots of us realize), you are the source of strength and knowledge and comfort. It's a privileged position to be in and I don't doubt that you're very good at it -- perhaps even better at it than someone who doesn't realize that life can suddenly veer off track. In any case, I'm thinking of you and sending you strength as you figure things out.
“What made you decide that he was worthy of a second chance?”
Anon, I’ve been thinking about how I would answer this for over a week! The thing is, it’s not a second chance. He had that and he blew it. I’m not sure what to call it – a third chance? How do I have any self-respect?
Here’s what it comes down to- I deserve the best of him. Here’s the short version of how I got here. On d-day, I told him that our marriage was over. I called him out on all of his bad behaviors and said he was nothing but a liar and a cheat in every part of his life. He didn’t dispute it at all. He had been really awful for some time and I considered leaving him. This was even before I found out he was ‘in love’ with our ‘friend’. I told a couple mutual friends about his cheating, I told my family. His family knew. There was no place for him to run & hide or to go for comfort. I certainly didn’t want to live a lie and make excuses of why our marriage didn’t work after many years. The truth mattered. He wasn’t the man I married anymore. He was an obnoxious, selfish, cheating drunk. I asked nothing of him after d-day except to stay out of my life. I never asked him to change or told him to get help, I was done.
The day before d-day was his last drink. He got help. He did everything a human could possibly do to become a better person. I started to see the man I married again. In those earlier days, I knew I had a choice. I could start a new life for myself, and he could, too. I knew I was worthy of respect & love which is not what he had been giving me at all for at least a year before d-day. I know people very close to me who have endured the pain of divorce. They watch their ex have new romantic relationships, they themselves have new boyfriends, their kids are between two houses, & there can be unintended chaos. If my husband was going to become his best, I deserved to enjoy his best, not someone else. And he wanted to give his best to me.
I still can’t call it a second chance. It’s not. I feel like every day is a renewal of hope & striving to be the best we can be.
I do want to emphasize that I would not be with him if he didn’t fix himself. Our marriage would be over and that would have been the best choice for me. Divorce is the best choice for many people and I wish everyone peace in whatever they choose.
I found out twice. 2 weeks after we reconciled he started seeing her again. Agony has been my companion for 2 years and I feel like I will die from a broken heart.
This is so hard to deal with.... So my husband and I have been together for 5 years (August 8th) we have 3 beautiful children but I recently found out he cheated on me. He had been having a romantic affair with this woman for an entire month. I found out about the affair a week before giving birth to our third child. He was messaging her from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed. Literally would be laying next to me in bed and message her until like 12-2am every night . The month of June going into july was a huge for me. I had my baby shower one weekend, a nephew's birthday party and father's day another weekend, my son's 2nd birthday, 4Th of July and then my father in laws birthday. Through all of those events he was messaging her all day everyday. He got so drunk on father's day he couldn't function and I had to literally walk him to bed. He literally couldn't function to talk to me but he called her and texted her the entire time I was taking care of him. I would bring him a cup of coffee every Saturday and Sunday not knowing he was texting her the whole time while being treated like a king. There was one day he laid in bed after I got up to get his coffee and jacked off and then immediately messaged her a shirtless picture and sweet lovey good morning text once he was done. I feel like such an idiot... I don't know how I didn't see it, how I could be so blind to something so obvious right in front of my face. How can I live with someone and literally not even notice the texting he was doing. The girl was so pretty, in my opinion prettier than me. My self esteem is shot,I have no trust, and I feel so alone it's crazy. I've talked to him about it but he just shuts down and wants to "move past it". It's literally all I can think about though. It's hard for me to not blame myself for this. I love him but I don't know how to move past this. I just feel dead inside
Unknown, I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. A few things I want you to get clear on right away. First, you are not stupid for not knowing your husband was cheating. Re-read that list you wrote of everything you had going on WHILE ALSO BEING LATE-STAGE PREGNANT. Give yourself a break. Please. You were being a mom, daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, aunt, etc. etc. The question isn't why you didn't know it's WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND?? And, trust me, it has nothing to do with whether she's prettier or not. She is cheating with a married man. (And let's remember all the utterly gorgeous women who've been cheated on. Cheating is not about 'trading up', it's about finding someone else in the gutter with you.) So...now what? Well, you'll see the tagline at the top of this site: My heartbreak my rules. You get to determine how you move forward from this. For a start, the affair, I hope is over. I hope, too, that you have access to any/all devices and can check them to ensure that the affair is over. It's not a guarantee but it makes it harder for him to keep lying. Next, he doesn't get to "move past" this without a thorough interrogation of just why he risked his marriage, his family and YOUR health for someone who, ultimately, doesn't matter. That's on him to figure out and he likely needs a professional to help him. But move past it? Nope. Not for a LONG time. He has a lot of damage to make amends for. Your focus needs to be on you. You have two little ones (congratulations, by the way) and you need to someone find time for yourself and your healing. Betrayal is devastating. Please find yourself a therapist who can help you process the pain so that you can move past it. It's a long road but worth it. Finally, be gentle with yourself. Do not beat yourself up because your husband lacked a moral compass. That's on him, not you. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, given your list of obligations, I suspect you're a lot like I was -- so busy being everything to everyone that you forget to take care of yourself. That needs to change. Your job is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. A therapist can help you learn how to set clear healthy boundaries. You'll find a ton of info on this site that can help you better understand what affairs are and aren't. But please know...he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. Figuring out what that is will be painful and uncomfortable for him...but absolutely necessary. Hang in there, Unknown. You will get through this. But it starts with setting some clear rules about reconciliation. You will not just fall into line and let him off the hook. That's not how this works, unless you want to be back here in a year, or two, or three. If you both want a healthy marriage, it's about working through this and coming out the other side.
Hi...I'm a 62 year old woman and I just found out my husband has been cheating. I caught him texting/sexting a 28 year old he met on a linked in forum. He swore that was the only thing he did and that he did it because he just thought it was linked in forum "chit chat". Over the last 48 hours, he has admitted that she was looking for "friends with benefits" and that he felt flattered that she was texting him. He SWORE that was it. Today I found a picture of another woman on his phone and after that he told me the "whole" story. He's done this twice. The first one ended when she started asking him for money...the second one he blocked when I caught him. We got married in 2005...a second marriage for both. We were both doing well in our careers and financially...my sons were 16 and 20 and we had an amazing life until a few years ago when we had some financial downturns with two of our businesses and the stress made it difficult...but we really worked as a team and turned it around. For the past few years we've been funding our pension plans like crazy with the plan to travel in the summers in our RV and spend the winters in AZ where my sons are. We even planned an extended trip to the South Pacific -- Tahiti, Bora Bora and Morea. I am DEVASTATED to say the least. I don't understand and I can't wrap my head around the fact that he has done this. He was a person of such integrity...I can't figure out where he made the turn that made this okay. I want to leave but the thought of finding my own place, moving out, starting over is daunting...I don't know what to do.
Hi KarenE, A whole lot of us find ourselves in the "don't know what to do" category when we're hit with infidelity. And no wonder. It's completely destabilizing. It throws everything we thought we knew into a question mark. Which is why it's valuable to give yoruself time. You don't need to make any big decisions right now. Give yourself time to digest this and figure out what's next. What you'll discover, if you continue to read on this site, is that your experience is far from unique. A crisis hits, these guys struggle to handle it emotionally, and next thing you know they're distracting themselves from real life with an affair. It makes them feel powerful, and exciting, and sexy and interesting. Instead of feeling like a middle-aged man whose life hasn't gone exactly as planned. Which, of course, doesn't make his behaviour okay. Not at all. It just makes it somewhat predictable. It's hard for us to understand what he was telling himself that made it okay (likely something along the lines of "nobody is getting hurt", "this is harmless", etc.) but it's his job to figure it out. Your job is to take care of yourself, to, as best you can, stop the voice that says you should have known, etc. Give in to the devastation, knowing that it will give way to acceptance. Find yourself a good therapist who can support you as you process the pain of this. He should be seeing someone too. And please know that you'll get past this. It takes time. And patience. Whether your marriage survives depends on how he deals with this and with what you want. But you don't need to know that now
Hey, I don't know if I'm posting this right but here I go. My name is Megan and I am 18 years old. My boyfriend and I's one year would've been tomorrow and on Sunday he told me what he had done. Last Wednesday one of his friends that is a girl facetimed him. He knows I don't like her but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and still let them be friends. While they were on the call he did stuff (if you know what I mean). He claims that she didn't do anything but I find it odd that she didn't try to stop him or even hang up. The next day we hung out and he hadn't told me yet and we did stuff (if you know what I mean). I feel so stupid that I let him do that and that he let himself touch me. That following Saturday they both hung out with a friend and had dinner while I was out of town. I can't understand how he mad it okay to continue to hangout with her and didn't feel guilt. His friend posted him on social media and it looked like he was having fun. When he told me I didn't know what to do... I still don't know what to do. He is my first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything. Last night he almost broke up with me because he wants better for me and he says he hasn’t been that for me. I still love him and it hurts to say that. It hurst to walk away and to not love him anymore. How do I forgive him when every time I look at him that's all I can see. How do I move past it when I just get stuck that he actually did it.
Megan, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you posted here. I'm glad your boyfriend had the courage to tell you what he did. But here's the thing: When he's telling you that he deserves better, he's right. He's trying to tell you that he knows he messed up but that he doesn't quite trust himself to not screw up again. You're 18. And I know our first loves matter huge to us. I had one too when I was 18. I still think of him fondly. But he's your first. Not your last. And he's taught you something valuable. That you deserve better. That when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Yes, it will hurt. We don't just stop loving someone when they've hurt us. And maybe he'll have a reckoning. Maybe he'll realize just how awful it feels to hurt someone we love and who loves us and maybe he'll never do it again. But him telling you that he wants better for you is also telling you that he knows it's not him. He isn't saying, "I'll never do that again. I don't ever want to be that guy again." He's saying, "I'm not the guy you deserve." If you were my daughter, I'd urge you to walk away. To feel the pain and know that you will get through it. And to know that there is more love in your future.
I found out my H was having an affair for the last year and half with my son with me. I had some suspicion because the OW had posted a picture of the two of them on my H's bands page. I confronted him and he got really angry with me and swore there was nothing going on. I started looking through pictures from the band's shows and found a few other pictures from a year ago of them. I checked the OW social media page and noticed she said she was in a relationship back in January. She told people to PM her for info on him but did mention he was a computer guy. I confronted him again and he denied it, even swore on our kids lives that there was nothing going on. That week he had a show and our son wanted to go so we did. The OW was there and was trying to take pictures with him. During the show I noticed she was just starring at me. After he was done I saw him talking to her before he came over to see us. He said he was going to the restroom and I noticed the OW go in the building as he was walking that direction. I him come out and he started talking to someone and then she came out and he followed her. They walked behind a bar and she didn't come out the other side. I knew I needed to see if my suspicions were correct but I had my son and I couldn't leave him. I took him with me convincing myself I was over reacting. When I came around the corner of the bar there they were and I knew. Luckily a friend, who knew about the affair, saw me and had my son go with them before he heard anything. He tried to play it off and I flat out asked her if she was F***ing my husband which she said no. I asked him and he just dropped his head and said things were different than they were when we got married. The OW wouldn't walk away until I told her she needed to go. I was devastated and to find out with our son with me was the worst part of it. He had no idea but he knew something was going on that had to do with that lady. Now, when I go to see his band the OW is there because she is friends with one of the members and his wife. My husband's music is his passion but being around his passion is a trigger for me because of how I found out. I also feel embarrassed because everyone knew what was going on. I trusted my husband but there were signs I ignored. He changed his social media to not include or post anything with his family or myself. (The OW knew he was married from the beginning). He came home later from shows than normal and something felt off. I want to trust him again but he did a pretty good job of hiding and lying to me for so long I don't know if I can ever trust him again. How do you move through a betrayal like this? Its been three months and it is getting harder not easier.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry. And sorry your son was there. Three months is still quite raw. It often doesn't begin to feel "better" until a year or more. But I suspect part of the problem is that you are still being asked to tolerate his proximity to this woman. I get that he's in a band, can't control who comes, etc. But what IS he doing to assure you that she's no longer of interest? What IS he doing to support you as you try to heal from this? You seem very much alone. Here's the thing: If he wants you to give him a second chance, he needs to SHOW you that he deserves it. He needs to make it clear that he's doing everything he can to figure out why he risked his marriage and family, why he lied, why he put you in the position of being embarrassed at not knowing something that everybody else knew (though, let's be clear, you're not the one who should be embarrassed -- that's on THEM). You ask how to move through a betrayal like this: You set boundaries, for a start. You figure out what you need to feel emotionally safe in the relationship and then you insist on that. What is okay with you (ie. playing in his band), what's NOT okay (ie. staying out after the gig, taking pictures with her, whatever...). He is asking you to do the hardest thing you've probably ever done so he needs to come to the table with something that makes that seem like a fair risk. In the meantime, do you have a therapist to support you as your process this pain? Does he? I would urge both of you to seek help. Betrayal is excruciating. You need support. He needs help figuring out why he did this.
So, I want to start out by disclosing that I am not a wife. I am a 28 year old single mother, whom after ending things with my childrens father, had been single for 5 years. I dated here and there, but nothing serious. Nobody ever met my children.
Then I met my now partner. It has only been 6 months, but I cant explain the bond I have with him.
Rewind June 2020,I started dating. I met about 6 men in a 2 month period. Nobody sparked me. And I didnt have a type. Then I met, we'll call him A. I felt calm. I had no intention of takkmg this date seriously, and it turned into an amazing lunch.
We started dating. We held out on sex,we had both been celibate for a year, him still at this point, mine ending in March2020.
We were open about dating other people, but agreed nobody we met came close to eachother.
A month layer, we slept together and decided to be monogoumous.
I do admit, that this was a lot for me. A lot of childhood trauma began showing it self. Abandonment issues, anxiety. And O acted out on them. I pushed him away often with the fear of being hurt. Then wed end up back together.
Fast forward Sept 22, 2020. We were monogomous at this point or so I believed. We agreed to let eachother know if we sleep with anybody else so we can decide where to go.
He went on a trip with his friends, a girl his friend was dating, and her sister. He went qith no imtention to sleep qith her, but did not disclose there was females there. 3 days went by, we barly spoke because we had fought before he left.
He came over the day he came back. We made up, we slept together, and it was the best sex we ever had. But i had this knowing that something was off.
He became distant after this day. He wasnt seeing me as much as he used to. Then he came over again aboit 4 nights later. I felt the need to look through his phone, and I seen all the text messages from the sister. Extrmemly flirtatious. And I broke. I didnt know at this point they slept together, he denied it.
Then I spoke to her. At first she also denied it, but then the teuth came out.
I had proof, so he couldnt lie anymore. Forst it was they just kissed, and qith more questions, he said it. They made ojt, and began to have sex, but he lost his erection. It lasted aboit a minute, he didnt finish, and it was just once on the trip.
This was the truth, I spoke with her. I wasnt angry at her, but at him. Not for what he did, but for lying.
I chose to leave. I was fetal crying for 2 days. I said my peace, i said im not mad, i know I pushed him away. It did make me feel better that he didnt ejaculate.
A couple weeks went by, and I missed him, he messed up, our dating was fresh, i did my share part of things aswell just not to that extent.
He expressed intense regret. He begged for me to just talk to him, but i didnt, I couldnt. He said if I gave him another chance he would do whatever it took.
He did a lot of things that were right, and it didnt feel ok to let it go over this.
I decided to give him another chance. I see the difference. I see his devotion, and how much he tries to earn my trust back. Ive seen him cry to me with regret. I feel the difference.
But i still think about it. He is supportive when I have doubts, and he reassures me. I know its only been a couple of months, and it takes time, but how do I stop rellaying the situation qith him and her in my head? I asked for details, He gave me them, now the visual pops up here and there.
I go to therapy biweekly, and I have yet to discuss this because it comes and goes.
I want to forgive him, he is a good person and I need to let go to give this relationship a real chance.
Unknown, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Betrayal is betrayal and it hurts. You ask "how do I do this?" and by this, you seem to mean letting go of what he did. But that's the thing. You don't so much "let go" of what happened as you give him the chance to show you that he's learned from it and will never do it again. You need to focus on your own healing (and I'm so glad you're in therapy but please please tell your therapist about this) and work through some of your old stuff that's impacting this new relationship. But also...kinda sounds like he's got his own "stuff" to work through. Yes, it was a new relationship but you had both agree to monogamy. He was dishonest. Your impulse to check his phone indicates that you didn't trust him...and for good reason. Which means, you have good instincts. But it also means that you're in a relationship in which he's deceiving you and you're violating his privacy. Far better for both of you to learn how to have those difficult conversations -- to be honest with each other, even when it's really hard. Relationships are tough and complcated further when we have childhood, family-of-origin stuff that gets in the way. Continue to work through your stuff but insist that he, too, figure out why he betrayed you and how he's going to make sure he is never dishonest again.
Came across this blog from listening to Overcoming Infidelity Podcast. I found out on Dec 1 that my husband of three years cheated on me last year(Oct 2019). One day, I was looking through his phone and saw a sex video. I was hoping it was an old video so I fast forward towards the end. How I knew it was recent/ during our marriage, was I can see his left hand in the video, he was smart not to wear his wedding ring, but I think he forgot we also had matching wedding ring tattoos. My heart sank. I felt so sick to my stomach I wanted to puke. I confronted him and he told me she was an escort. And he paid $120. He did not think it was considered cheating because she was an escort. WTF? I think what hurts the most is it took me by surprised. Our relationship was great, our sex life was awesome, there was never an issue. We argued like regular couple but got over it within the hour. I didn't even see it coming. I tried to plot the time frame and nothing came to mind. After going through our calender, I recall I worked an evening shift and he told me he had a townhall meeting that night. I cried for a week. Packed his shit to his parents. He begged me back and stated that he's so sorry and would do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship. I let him moved back in because I missed him. It's been almost a month now, I think of the video everyday, and when we are having sex in the same position that he did with the escort. I feel so hurt, sad and angry. I honestly didn't think I would take him back. I am bitter and very snappy lately to him. I am not over it. I don't know if I can be with him. Today, I found out she wasn't the only one, that he has cheated on me multiple times with different women during our time together, total of seven years, four years before marriage. I tried to seek local counselling but no one is available till february. I need someone to talk to.
Lori, Welcome. You have found a whole lot of "someone"s to talk to. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I'm sorry you can't get into a counsellor until February but, please, when you can, see someone. In the meantime, of course you're not over it yet. Betrayal is devastating. It takes a long time to process the pain. What is your husband doing in terms of recommitting to you? Is he in therapy (or on a waitlist)? How does he understand what he did? He needs to focus on his own reckoning -- gaining an understanding as to what he was telling himself that somehow allowed him to do this. But your job is to focus on your healing. Reading (and posting) here can definitely help. Do you have someone in real life with whom you can confide? Are you taking care of yourself in terms of eating well, getting sleep, avoiding drugs/alcohol? You will get through this, Lori. Whether or not your marriage survives will be up to you and your husband. But YOU will survive.
I'm a week post d-day. My husband has screwed my best friend - twice. Once, four years ago, the three of us had a drunken threesome (judge away) and as I was very drunk, I left the room, went upstairs, vomited and went to bed. They took this as carte blanche to fuck each other 4 years later - twice. We went out for dinner (the three of us) last Friday and as usual, I went to bed earlier than them (I'm a morning person and it was about 12:45am). I went to the bathroom upstairs and felt sure I heard a moan. I convinced myself that I was wrong because there's no way that my friend of 30 years and my husband of 15 (but we've been together for 23 years) would do this to me. I simmered the next day and then the day after, I asked him to tell me straight if he'd slept with her. He looked panicked and said yes. Apparently, that night 4 years ago was their go ahead to do it whenever they liked and they did so, twice (ha, sure). I have told them both that they sicken me, that they made up this fiction in their heads to continue to screw each other. They are both apparently very very sorry and there was clearly a misunderstanding. My husband actually said 'it takes two to tango', implying that I should be cross at my friend too (which I am!) but I told him that it takes one to say 'stop, what the hell are we doing'. I'm numb. I can't eat, I can barely focus at work. I'm just focussed on our 2 children having normal lives. I don't know what to do. They are both so sorry and love me and it will never happen again but a betrayal as big as this one? I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
Hi everyone,
ReplyDeleteThanks Elle for this blog.
I'm Brazilian and my husband is German. We met each other in Vancouver in 2002. We are married since 2005 and at the moment we live in Germany.
I really need some help. I'm going through a very difficult phase of my process of healing and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm suffering so much and I can't anymore. Sometimes I just want to die. I cannot handle this pain anymore.
My D-day was in April 2015. I found out that my husband had an affair with a co-worker, who also pretended to be my friend, when we lived in Mexico (from 2010 to 2012). It was a huge shock for me because I thought my husband was different and at the beginning he really was. When I met him he was 26 years old and he was still a virgin!!! He was really crazy about me; sometimes he was even too much!!! I think that is why I didn't give him the attention he deserved.
So, in March 2010 he was transferred from Canada to Mexico and while he was arranging everything there for us to go I went to Brazil with our both kids (3 years old and 2 months old) to be at my parents and wait everything to be arranged. I was really naive to do it this way. So he started with the whole crap!!!! He went out with a group and I found out (only last year) he kissed a girl. I notice that he was different with me when we finally arrived in Mexico, but I could never imagine that. So in 2011 he started an affair with a woman, the one who was pretending to be my friend. I could never imagine that because I trusted him and also because she was an ugly women. Now I know from inside as well. They had an affair for some months. I could not realize it because he was meeting her only once in every two weeks.
So in 2012 we came back to Germany. They started to talk via WhatsApp and it lasted 3 years. She used to send him videos and photos of her pussy. I found this conversation and I have to say it was disgusting. This woman has no self-respect. She did everything she could to take my husband from me.
Last year in April they he had a brilliant idea of going to Mexico to spend 10 days with the OW in a resort and he thought I would never found out. He told me he had to go to US and after that to Mexico to work. In that time we were doing so good. We were getting along really well. And he screw things up.
So I found out in the second day he was there already that he lied to me and instead of coming home he stayed there. He didn't want to face me. He was cold on the phone. He was not him. It was a real nightmare. My brother who was on vacation in England came to Germany to be with me as well my husband's brother who lives in Swiss. The whole family could not understand what he was still doing in Mexico. He didn't answer any call.
So only after 6 days ( I lost around 16 pounds) he arrived at home and I told him that I would go back to Brazil with the kids to live there forever. My life was a chaos. I was living in a terrible nightmare. He was not doing much to keep us in Germany. He seemed he didn't care so much. So in May 2015 I went to Brazil with the kids. While I was in Brazil he was still acting really strange. He used to say that he regretted and that he wanted us back but at the same time he seemed that he didn't care at all we were there and also I could feel that he was still talking to the OW. I was completely unhappy in Brazil. I couldn't sleep at all, not even with very strong medicines. The kids were suffering a lot and they were asking me the whole time to go back to Germany. The older one once asked me why his dad didn't love him anymore. It was really difficult. (To be continued…)
(PART #2) So in July 2015 my husband decided to go to Brazil to talk to me and see if it would still work out between us. When he arrived it was really strange, but little by little I realized that I just want my family back. So we decided to try it. In September we came back to Germany and I found out in his cellphone a video of them having sex in our bed!!!!! He is so stupid that he gives me the PIN number from his cellphone but didn't erase the things. In this video you see her lying in my bed naked. You cannot see his face "only" his dick inside of her pussy. Yes, she came to Germany in June 2015, she had a meeting in another city and after that she had some days off and she dared to stay in my house for 3 days!!!! I can't take this video out of my head. I saw the dick of my husband inside of her ugly pussy and without condom!!!! I was and I'm still devastated and I didn't know what to do. I know we were not together during the time she was here, but in our house, in our bed, it was too much!!! He had no limits at all. After that I did a check-up and thank God everything was fine.
ReplyDeleteI got really crazy after I found the video and he cried I lot and he said: "I know I have done a lot of crap to you but I realized that I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. I cannot erase the past but I promise you that I will make you the happiest women in the word". He meant he had an affair because I treated him really bad. According him as a slave. Also he said that something was missing because he hadn't had any experience before me and he wanted to have it to see how it was. Great, or?
He said that the sex with her was really boring and that she didn't do oral sex neither liked to change positions. He also said that it was never about sex it was about how he was feeling with her. He was feeling powerful. He said it was a great feeling that it was like a drug he couldn't stop.
We started with couple therapy, which didn't help at all the German therapist was unbelievable. She was on his side. I have started my therapy in Brazil and I'm still doing it via Skype 2 x week.
Since he went to Brazil to pick us up he has changed a lot. He is another man. He gives me so much attention, he cares about me, he does everything he can to make me happy, he gave me a list with his PIN numbers from everything he has( Facebook, Link-in, emails, games, bank accounts...) he also said that I could take his cellphone anytime to check anything I want. He said no more lies.
The thing is, I don't know why I'm getting really sad again. I believe it started in April this year. I think it reminded me of what I was passing through last year. I hate him so much sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to be with him anymore but in the other hand I don't want him to be with anybody else. Sometimes I hate him so much that I want to break the whole house and hit him.
Even though he is great now, I can't get over it. I can't forgive him for what he has done to me and the kids.
I thought that it would get better, but it is getting worst!!! How???
Sometimes I feel so disgusted when he touches me, when he kisses me and in the middle of the sex always come the stupid video in my head, her face, the way he tricked me, the way how she was treating me as a friend. She was so nice to me. I hate her so much!!! Everything is like a movie in my head. I think about it every day the whole day. I'm so tired!!!
I don't think I will be able to get over it at all. I don't want to live anymore. He destroyed our family, my dreams. My pain is like if I had lost someone, but it is crazy because "this someone" is alive. Sometimes I just wish him had died instead of had done this to me.
Rafa Fernandes
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you have been through and the emotions you are still dealing with! I'm going to start with your last few lines. The man you fell in love with and married and have two children with 'died' the minute he chose to step out of the vows he made to you! Just like me and so many others here we have had to realize that the h we have is a lying cheating asshole! They don't realize that they love us until we are about to walk out the door forever! Some of us have husbands that truly change from the mistakes that they made and the poor choice for different sex. Depending upon which kind of husband you are living with you can get to a better place and survive this to have a better marriage but it takes a lot of hard work on both partners and the desire to repair the damage! I'm glad you have a therapist and I hope you can give yourself the time to first accept that this has happened and then you have to decide if he's worth rebuilding a future with. I'm almost at the third year but because the crazy ow my h had his affair with contacted him just three months ago and of course I am dealing with triggers again! It sounds like the way I felt when I learned that 'she' lived in our house and had the most passionate sex in our bed! I had those videos in my head for months on end! I was lucky enough to be able to renovate our entire house and I know that's not possible for everyone but you can change out the bed and rearrange the rooms! I'm hoping you are taking care of you because I too know how the betrayal diet works and I'm just now getting back to a better way of eating and exercising! It's hard! Each day is a new day and I have to make a big effort to get through it and I have finally begun to find my happy place again! I thought this would be impossible in the first year and at times I wanted to just pack up and run away! But I still love the jerk and thanks to the changes I've seen for the better each day the struggle gets a little bit better! I call it taking baby steps and it's a slow but steady way to a better together marriage! I'm sending hugs to you and I will also say that the advice I've found on this blog gets me through some very dark and painful days!
Hi Theresa,
DeleteThank you very much for your answer. It was very kind of you.
Today I talked to my psychologist and she asked me to go back to my psychiatrist and maybe to restart taking medicine again. I didn't want to take them anymore but since I have stopped with them I am feeling worst everyday. So I have an appointment next Thursday.
As soon as I found out the OW was in my house my husband painted our room, change the positions from the wardrobe, threw away the bed sheets etc. it helped a lot but anyways it is very hard.
I'm taking care of myself. I have lost 44 pounds since February 2015. Before everything has happened I was really unhappy. I knew something was wrong with my marriege I just had no clue what it could be. I got so fat after my second baby. I was feeling like an old lady even though I was 34. I even didn't like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. But now it is different. I like what I see. I have learned with this whole crap that I can not "forget" about myself!!!
Thanks again for the message. I hope all the best for you as well!!!
Rafa,
DeleteI'm so sorry for all you've gone through and for the pain you're in but glad that you found us. You have been traumatized. The trauma of his refusal to speak with you when he was in Mexico, the trauma of the video, the trauma of taking two young children to Brazil while he carried on in your home, ON TOP OF THE TRAUMA OF THE AFFAIR!!! You have been through hell so it's not at all surprising that you're in pain, especially now that you're attempting to rebuild your marriage.
It takes a long time to heal from betrayal. And your husband has made it very difficult for you to even begin to trust him again. He compounded the first betrayal with many others, consistently ignoring your pain so that he could continue with his affair.
No therapist should ever even imply that his affair is your responsibility. No matter how horrible your marriage may or may not have been...the choice to cheat is COMPLETELY his. The choice to continue when you begged him to return home is COMPLETELY his. So please please know that he must take full responsibility for the choices he made. And I hope he's doing some hard work on himself to figure out just why he risked losing everything that matters for a woman who didn't.
Medication can certainly help you through the darkest days. And your days sound pretty dark. You don't have to be on it forever but given your comment re. wishing you were dead, you need to stabilize your emotions as much as possible. However much pain you're in, you've got two wonderful children who need you.
Rafa, you get to set the parameters for reconciliation. Your healing is the most important thing. Figure out what you will and won't do right now. Perhaps intimacy with your husband is simply too much right now. Perhaps you need post-trauma therapy to help you get past the deep pain of the video. Whatever it is, YOU get to decide what happens going forward.
I assume now that we are dealing with the compulsive behavior of sex addiction. I am broken and furious and terrified. I had no idea that there was so much pain in the world.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to leave him, that's the bald fact. I still love his lying, cheating ass. And we have built a home and a family together. I don't know how I could leave our children; I am their primary provider and caregiver. And I feel like I would be the one losing, in the end, my life, my home, my children, my dogs, my love... when he was the one who did something wrong.
I want my life back, the one that I had before I knew. I know it's crazy, but sometimes I wish that woman had never told me, that I could be the person who loved her life, and who thought her partner was sometimes a bit of an insensitive flake, but a good man, a good partner, a good father.
I don't know if we will make it. I only know how to keep breathing and to try not to drown. Thank you for being here with this wonderful site. I think I would honestly lose my mind if you ladies weren't here.
Alone and Hurting,
DeleteI have SOOOO been where you are. I found years of deception, years of betrayal, years of gas lighting. There is no way to brace yourself for that level of pain.
But...whether or not you make it as a couple, YOU will make it. Your husband's recovery will depend on his determination and willingness to completely come clean. In my husband's case, he'd become disgusted with himself. He hated himself. And he just didn't want to live like that any more. I knew that, even if I left, he would focus on his own recovery. That he wasn't doing it just for me but for himself. For his children.
And while couples counselling is good (though I needed to wait awhile until he'd sought help for HIS problem before I was willing to look at OUR problems), you need a safe place to work through your own pain and to get clear on what you want and need going forward. Alone and Hurting, you are NOT alone. We've all been there and we know the devastating pain of betrayal. But so many of us are past the worst of it. Many many of us are able to look back with an acknowledgement that the pain took us somewhere else...somewhere good.
In the meantime, we're here. And so are you. And you will get through this.
Alone and hurting
ReplyDeleteYour bravery in sharing your story touched my heart! When I first found this blog, I found a lifeline to keep my head above water. I'm so sorry for the pain I know you feel. When I learned the truth about my h affair. I couldn't see the man I married 38 years ago. He was so lost in his mid life crisis and I was in grief from losing my sister. When I finished grieving the loss of my marriage, with the strength I gleaned from these other brave women I have come to know only through the stories of their heartbreak, I began to for the first time in my life put me first. It was a slow process to let go of my pain, anger, and dissapointment in my h. It's also been a process for my h to see the true magnitude in the amount of pain three people endured just because he needed to try different sex. It always seems to me that most men think with the brain between their legs. I'm glad you're getting therapy! I'm glad you found strength to tell your story! Knowing you are not alone is what helped me walk the path I'm on today! I'm hopeful that you too will find the path easier if we all help you as you are helping others with your story! Stay strong! Hugs! We understand!
I could really use some advice. (Names changed)
ReplyDeleteMy husband, Dick, cheated on me with a married woman, Jane. This affair led to the separation and (soon To come) divorce of the other couple, Jane and Joe. Dick and I have been having problems. Joe called me and we met. I wasn't surprised by the news. I thought Dick and Jane were having an affair though I could prove it and Dickinson was adamant that there was no affair.
After meeting with Joe, Dick fessed up and we decided to proceed with a divorce as well.
Dick and Jane are still seeing each other. Joe and I have been talking because we can relate. Through our repeated contact, Joe and I are beginning to develop "feelings" or something for each other.
Is this totally crazy? Am I totally insane for feeling and deep connection with Joe? I can't seem to find anything in any blog about others going through this type of thing. Im not sure what to do.
Anonymous,
DeleteNo, you're not crazy at all. You're finding comfort with someone who knows your pain better than just about anybody else.
Just be careful that you don't confuse bonding over pain with romance. It can be tempting, of course, when our egos have been battered by betrayal, to seek assurance that we're desirable. But I would encourage you to take it slowly and build a genuine friendship that's based on more than pain.
This is a letter I wrote to the OW. I never sent it to her as I felt it would only give her satisfaction. I wrote this in my persoanl diary simply for myself and to get my feelings out..
ReplyDeleteTo The Woman Who Ruined My Life:
I had as perfect of a life that you could hope for. I had a solid marriage, kids, beautiful home...until that day you decided to get my husband's phone number. You were not satisfied with your boring life and needed something exciting, so you stole my life. Your decision that day has altered my life forever. I no longer feel safe. Everything in my life, I was confident about. I dreamed of growing old with him, in our rocking chairs, playing with our grandchildren. But now, the man I thought loved me to the ends of the Earth, I can no longer trust or believe in. All that I thought was real, was a lie. My children will suffer the most. I grew up with no family, other than my mother, and swore I would give my kids a solid, stable home, with a mother and father. They had that until you came into our lives. Now, it depends on whether I have a decent day or a day that my fears and doubts creep in. You will never fully understand what you have done, but I can tell you it is the worst pain I have ever felt. You took a beautiful family and tore it apart, so you could have a little excitement in your life. Your husband believes all your lies and will never leave you for this. But I am a different person than your husband. I can't just push it inside and make believe it was just a friendship. I have tried so hard to do just that, but it still resurfaces. You destroyed the most precious thing in my life. My family. The family I dreamed of since I was a little girl and worked so hard to build. Not only that, but I will never be the same person I was before this. My faith in love and commitment and sense of self worth is gone. Before this, I was a feisty, opinionated woman, who was passionate about things going on in the world, justice, and whatever else got me all fired up. Now, I have no interest in anything. I have lost myself and don't know when or if I will ever get her back. My days use to be spent worrying about ballgames, getting ready for black Friday, or where we would go on vacation. Now, every morning I think of you. Who is she? What was it about her that stole his heart from me? What happened in those months? What did they talk about? What made him tell her he loved her? Did they sleep together? What inside jokes did they share?Everyday I think of the days of the past year. Where was I when they talked? Was I at our kids ballgame? Was I cooking supper for him to be ready when he got home? I think of the 4th of July and how you were right down from me, watching me and my kids, and I had no idea you existed. The weekend I spent with my husband at the lake, he was there physically, but his thoughts were with you. Our family vacation when he made love to me, then snuck off to talk to you because he couldn't stand to not talk to you for a week. This is the Hell I wake up to every morning. This is what I will live with the rest of my life. Just so you and he could have some excitement in your life. And all the while, you continue with your life as if nothing ever happened. Your husband believes in you, still loves you, and has taken you at your word. You continue on with your family in tact and your kids oblivious to what you have done. Meanwhile, my kids are to old to hide this from. They suffer the consequences of both your actions, as I do. Not sure from day to day, what may come of our family. You didn't just take my husband, you took my whole life.
Hazeleyes 11
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain I know you feel! I'm glad you were able to write out to her how you feel and also glad you didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much pain she caused you and your children because SHE is so selfish SHE doesn't care one wit about you. I don't know how far out you are on this path, but I know that getting the anger for her out of your system does help. I'm two months away from two years and even though it's been up and down and all around emotionally, together my h and I are building a new life. Not easy not always pretty but with much more honest and open sharing of our feelings. The good the bad and the ugly have all had their turn in our lives. We've taken many steps forward and just as many backwards but we're sure we still love each other so together we're moving on and looking forward to spending our lives one day at a time. Hugs for you to find the strength to get through one more day!
Hazeleyes,
DeleteYour pain is palpable. I'm so sorry. Please continue to read here and post and get it out. I know it feels like "never" and "forever" when we're first experiencing the pain of betrayal but please know that these feelings do fade. We can find our joy again.
Hazeleyes, I know all too well about that pain. Reading your letter is like reading my own. It is identical. I never thought the man I loved more than anyone and had been married to for 23 years would have an affair with a married little girl who was 23 years old. Not my favorite number I must say. It hurts my heart that there are so many of us in this club. It hurts me that all of us with teenage children who suffer from the selfish acts our spouses commit. I am 4 years post D day and still every day it feels like the first day as my mind thinks about the things they did together. Husband, unfortunately, came clean about all of the nasty disgusting details about their sex life about 2.5 years ago. It was like I had started all over again with the pain. I think about his old 50 year old self on top of that 23 year old child girl.It makes me sick when our oldest was almost 19 at the time. It has affected my job, my life, everything!!! I am sorry you have had to go through the same!!!
DeleteToday is a bad day. The damned surveillance site I use somehow suddenly was able to access all his deleted texts from the affairs in April, and now not only do I get to read his words, I get to know that this went on for nearly two months longer than I thought it did.
ReplyDeleteI used to be a writer and so I wrote a poem. I know that it is maudlin, but I also know that you ladies will understand.
The Half Life of Love
It is hard to believe that I am the only person who bears this. When I go to the download site, I feel like I shoul d see it trending: Wendell’s deleted texts, up six points from yesterday, soaring into the top ten.
I feel like someone should call me. Gah, the rugby too? They would say. For some reason we always felt like the rugby was safe. Sucks, girl. Let us know if you need anything.
Or I would see it in their eyes when they asked me how their child’s day went. I wonder what she did to him, that he would do such a thing. Must have been horrible for him. Dead bedroom, probably. She’s put on a lot of weight, not sure I’d want to either.
Junot Diaz is a good liar, and he won the pulitzer and lost his fiance to his cheating. The half life of love is forever, he said, but I want to know what the half life of pain is. I want to know how long I am required to sift this dirt from hand to hand and watch the silt that catches the light. I want to know on what precise date it will no longer hurt to know that you took another girl gocart riding.
I want to fight every mistress you’ve got, the ones with names like Amie (see, I can spell it properly now!) and Amber, and the ones named Frazier and Trailer Park Boys. I want to look like them with their pretty shaved pink pussies and their good production values.
I feel like the sound a dog makes when it’s been hit by a car and left to bleed in the snow. I feel like the high whine of water in a twig when it’s exposed to flame. It feels strange to me that other people can’t hear it. They hear Good Morning, and pretty good, how are you. I keep waiting for someone to call the police. I think someone might be dying in 713. There’s a noise that makes me feel like an empty can.
I want to hold a backyard funeral for darling and toots and dollface, tiny headstones, all in a row. A bouquet of flowers for Good Morning Gorgeous. A memorial garden, maybe, for our camping trip, for family pictures and Thanksgiving geese and birthdays and hayrides and every dream I ever had about who we are and what we could be.
You think I’ll hurt myself if you don’t watch? Honey, I’m already dead. I died in my classroom on a Wednesday with my phone trembling in my fingers. This is my wake. No one is invited. It’s just me here in this house of ghosts.
Alone and Hurting,
DeleteThank you for sharing your poem. Writing has had a way of helping me to get my feelings out. Mine had not been so much poetic, more just spewing out anger. But it is a release for me.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I remember those moments where you think you know more than you can bear only to find out more. There were days where I honestly believed I would never be okay again. I found so much strength here. Just hearing other people say they knew how I felt helped me to feel so much less alone.
Alone & Hurting,
DeleteWow. You captured it. Thanks so much for that.
Please don't say you "used to be a writer" -- clearly you still are. Keep writing.
Alone and Hurting,
DeleteIncredible. Your words are true for all of us. Thank you for speaking our pain.
Alone and hurting
DeleteSal is right you are a writer! Keep writing from your heart as you validate our collective pain!
your poem spoke to my soul. thank you, thank you, thank you .
DeleteWell, I guess it's time to share my story...even though I wish I didn't have a story to share here.
ReplyDeleteJune 10th 2016 was DDay for me. My husband called me at work after he went to a docters appointment, he was crying on the phone and I knew, at that moment what he was going to tell me. The moment he started his sentence, I knew I didn't want him to finish it, because that would make it real...and I don't want the reality, I much rather wanted a lie.
He had an affair for about six months with a mom from the school our daughter attends. They've had sex once ( in the woods accros from my house..) and they mostly had contact online through facebook messenger. I went in to complete survival mode after that...I wanted to fix everything, but mostly I wanted him to feel better... ( is'nt that totally weird?!) He confessed the whole thing, told me every detail I wanted to know, and also told me he had been drinken a lot the past few months. I had no idea!
We've been married for almost 3 years, been together for 9 years and our daughter is 5. My husband has some serious mental issues that have never been diagnosed or treated, we figured, over the past few month that he's likely to be borderline, which doesn't really help. He's finally agreed to get the help he really needs, so I'm happy about that.
The only problem is me, I can't shake it! I know it's only been 5 and a half months after the day, but I feel like I'm only now beginning to realize what had actually happend. I feel completly deppressed, even my daughter is to much to handle most of the time. I work full time, so he picks our daughter up from school every day when I'm at work, he sees the other woman every day! I can't live with that idea! I just can't! He knows that, and he understands, but there is no way arround it. He is doing what he can to make the situation slightly better for me, he stays out of her path, even though our daughters are in the same class.
Last year, at the christmas show for the school, he told me they where having eye contact with each other, I was standing right next to him! She was standing next to her husband....and they had been flirting? really? They finally got in contact with eachother after our daughter invited her daughter to her birthday party, I dropped her daughter of at her house after that, she was really nice to me....straight to my face, what kind of twisted person does that? When you know what you're doing behind my back?
I do feel like i've decided I want to make it work with my husband, even though the past 9 years haven't been much of a fun ride, with him being deppressed and all, I know, with the right help for him and myself, we can only get better in a while.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteThe thing that bothers me the most is that she still has to be a part of my life for the next 6 years...(or until one of us moves out of town, and I'm hoping she does!) We see her at school, our daughters are friends...how can I tell my little girl she can't play with her friend because her friends mommy is a nasty tramp?
I can't get the images out of my head, the hurt, the lying, the idea that his hands touched her body...my self esteem is non exsistant at this point, she is fucking gourgeous, long dark hair, skinny...I haven't seen the inside of a gym in like....never! I'm not fat..not at all, but I'm not her! She is totally his type, both are in to the same type of music (death metal) her husband has the same name as my husband (weird much!) She has his name tattooed on her back, he saw that once...they both love playing videogames...the weird kind...and I'm the total opposite, pink dresses, happy music and videogames...no thank you, I'll read a book. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that? I'm mean, he says he doesn't want to be with her, he says he loves me, has always loved me, never stopped, and that there was never anything wrong with our marriage (Then why cheat you douchebag!) but how am I ever going to believe that he doesn't get warm fuzzy feelings everyday when he sees her at school? How the hell am I supposed to believe that he's not compairing me to her? He says he doesn't even want to be with somebody who has the same interest as he does...but yet he went for it...
A part of my story hasn't been published...., so this is part 3:
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to find some strenght to go on with this, to look at the future with hope that it has to be better than the past. But I just can't seem to find any strenght at all.
I really want to tell her husband, but he's the dangerous kind....My husband is afraid for our safety (and his own, obviously!) if he knew...I'm kinda with him om that one, but I just want him to know, so she can go trough the same shit we're going trough...revenge I guess...And I hope he puts the house up for sale to move her out of this town...
I'm a betrayed wife, trying to become a warrior, and I have no idea how to do is....How to I deal with the fact that he sees her everyday? How do I deal with the fact that my daughter wants her daughter to come to her new birthdayparty comming up in february? How in the world am I supposed to do it?
Help me with your wise words warriors....and help me become one as well!
-xoxo-
Kiki
Kiki
DeleteYou are so feeling like those of us who have found ourselves in this nightmare! Some of our stories are full of hope for a better marriage and others remain bitter and from what I've read is it truly is determined by the type h you are married to! I've seen some women working on themselves and assuming their h is working on themselves only to find that he's still the same lying cheating coward that cried so hard that he would be different! I've also read the success stories of the lucky ones that have a man really wanting to be a better man for himself first and then realizing that this in turn is better for both. I'm still working my way through this mess and for me it's been two years since dday and it's been nothing easy but just grit and determination on my part but most importantly the changes I've witnessed my h making for both of us to be better together and we firmly believe that the best is yet to come! Have you had therapy? I've found that for me this was imperative for my healing process and dealing with the pain of my family of origin. I can't imagine having to see this person that rendered such pain on a daily basis! I'm so sorry that you are having to live through this! Revenge by telling her h would only be temporary satisfaction for you and the repercussions from the other man's reaction are not worth it. How to become a warrior here happens as you begin to process the pain and learn how to be kind to yourself! Life isn't a competition and to compare yourself to that piece of trash that would secretly flirt with your spouse in front of her own isn't anything you want to be like! My h and I are having to learn how to share new things together and he fully understands that the old marriage and the little I was willing to settle for in regards to his time and his ability to be honest with himself as well as me is giving both of us hope that we've gotten to a better place in our relationship. I'm going to leave how to deal with the ow up to some of the others here because in our case we cut thie ow out of our life with a court order and there has to be a better way than our journey was! You get strength back slowly one day at time and I know how hard it is but you can do it! Hugs!
Kiki, The hurt and reality of what happened is devastating. Cheaters lie after they get caught. Don't automatically assume he is telling you the truth. After all this flirting, it is difficult to believe they only had sex once. Decide what you need to feel secure and safe for yourself. I believed for a very long time that my husband preferred the OW over me. Your husband is going to have to prove to you he doesn't. Of course your husband doesn't want you to tell the OW husbands. So what if he dangerous. Dangerous to you? No, your husband needs to own his shit. He needs to own this mess. It is not your mess to clean up. It doesn't sound like he is but rug sweeping what he has done. He is a cake eater. Excuses are lies. He needs to figure out WHY he did this. Set some boundaries with him as far as NC. Insist on total transparency such as social media passwords. Stay in the decterive mode for awhile. He sounds like he just isn't coming clean yet. I'm sorry to be so blunt. Can a neighbor or another mom pick your daughter up? You make the decisions that are right for you. He lost his chance. Take care of yourself be totally selfish. Even if that means acting crazy at times that is normal. Your heart has been stomped and smashed. Think of what he did to YOUR life. Why would you want him to feel better? He needs to show you he deserves a second chance. You don't need to prove that YOU deserve a second chance. You didn't do anything. It is not likely anyone is going to move so don't depend on that to be any solution. Knowing what I know now. 1. Tell her husband, he deserves to know the truth. I feel different about this than Theresa. 2. Set boundaries with your husband like transparency, no contact and how HE can prevent not seeing the OW. 3. Get tested for STD. 4. Get counseling ASAP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is beyond terrifying. Read the thoughts Elle has on boundaries. You can get through this and your stronger than what you ever know. Love to you and I'm sorry this has happened to your heart. Your husband is a shit to take a chance to through his lovely family away. He needs to earn it all back. Watch his actions not his words. A thousands hugs to you. Again I'm sorry.
DeleteI found out for sure that my husband had cheated on me on September 30, 2016. I received a post card in the mail on the 28th that I had a certified letter waiting for me at the post office. It said it was sent from an address in my husbands home town so I asked him if he knew who might have sent it and gave him the address. He said he had no idea. Later that night he told me he thought it might be from this woman's husband who had approached my father-in-law about my husband having an affair with his wife. My husband said this woman tried to kiss him while he was working at her house (he's an electrician) and he immediately left but just never told me because he thought I would be mad. He said she must have decided to make up an affair and tell her husband. He told me it happened 7 1/2 to 8 years ago. I got the letter the next day and it said that my husband and this guys wife had a long term adulterous affair while I was pregnant 6 years earlier. According to this guy his wife had at least 8 affairs and had recently tried to kill herself and later admitted to these affairs as an explanation for why she tried to kill herself. My husband kept denying that anything had happened but I struggled with whether to believe him because he had lied to me a lot in the past. He had a drinking problem and would lie about where he had been or if he had been drinking. Anyway, after 2 days of swearing on our children's lives and on his mothers life etc. that nothing happened he admitted that they "fooled around". He says it went on for 2 months and was physically intimate with her 2 times. Before that they were friends and had coffee and would bad mouth their spouses together. My husband's problem with me was that I had a problem with his drinking and he felt I was trying to control him. He stopped drinking this past June after a hit and run accident when he realized he had a drinking problem and we had a good 3 months until the affair came out. Now we have had the worst 3 months of our marriage. I feel so conflicted because things were finally better for us and he says he's really changed and that she meant nothing to her. He says he felt hatred for himself and her while the affair was going on. He says he was just so unhappy with his life it felt good to talk to someone about it. He said I wasn't paying enough attention to him because we had 3 young children. He says she made the moves on him but he went along with it. I have forgiven him for so much throughout our marriage. I knew we had a lot of problems in our marriage but I never thought he would have done this to me. I dont want to destroy the possibility of a great marriage but I really dont know if I can ever get over it. We have 4 kids which is weighing on me too. I dont want to ruin their lives if things could be good. My best friend pointed out that I wouldn't be ruining it, my husband did that. He says he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me, but he already seems tired of me talking about it. The other night we had a nice night but then later after I went to bed I felt sick thinking about it and cried for hours. His response was that we should stop doing date night if that is going to be my response. He later apologized but i feel like he just doesn't get what he needs to do to make me feel better. He also made a comment that he thinks it will probably take me 10 to 20 years to get over it. It's only been 3 months. I feel like he needs to be a little more patient and loving if there is even a chance. I keep trying to tell him what I need but he doesn't seem to do it consistently. If he is going to let me suffer through it on my own, we will end up apart. I still dont know who, if either is telling the truth about the timing. Not sure it matters or why either of them would lie about it. Thanks for reading.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous Jan 3
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you feel. It's horrible I know! Three months and he's ready to stop talking about it but for me that was when I needed to talk about it the most. The not sleeping and lack of appetite could have killed me but somewhere around the 8-9 month into our discussions, I began to listen to my h rather than the fantasy spewed at me by the ow. Actions of a remorseful spouse can either help our hearts to heal but just suppressing our pain will not lead to a better relationship! Therapy could help your h better understand why you have the reaction you are having on date night. I remember at least three major meltdowns that I had and each one lead me to a better understanding of what I needed to heal but these times were pretty hard for my h to get through. These are tough times in the early months. I wish I could make it go faster for you but it takes as long as it takes and he can't rush any of this! Hugs!
My H had 3 affairs. 1 in email that I caught before it got physical. 1 EA that included regular bashing of me + 2x sex over the course of 18 mos and finally an online dating mess that lasted a few weeks. We are in MC and both want to stay married. But I can see (2 days past Dday) he wants me to be over it. The affairs lasted in total 1.5-2 years but he wants me to be over it in 2 months?!?
DeleteAnonymous, Your husband has the mind of an addict and that is going to take time for him to stop thinking like one. His impulse to cancel date night if it's going to make you sound? Classic addict stuff. Better to avoid pain than feel it, right? Better to run away from conflict than face it, right? Better to numb feelings than feel them, right? Better to blame someone else for lousy choices than own them, right? It's wonderful that he's stopped drinking but unless he's in some sort of program or therapy to learn how to face life head on without the help of self-medicating via alcohol, then he's simply trading one unhealthy coping strategy with another.
DeleteWhat do you understand about alcoholism? It might help you recognize that his affair had everything to do with his compulsive need to escape discomfort and his own self-loathing than anything you did/are. He cheated because he's a sick man. He found a sick woman with whom he could avoid his own shame for a bit. It had NOTHING to do with you. It had NOTHING to do with your attention on your kids. It had EVERYTHING to do with his shame and inability to manage/express uncomfortable feelings.
So...where do you go from here? Well, you decide what feels right at this moment. What's your next right step. Not the one after, or the one after that. The next one. Do you want to separate to give yourself some space? Do you insist that he seek out a treatment program? Do you find a couples counsellor or an individual counsellor? Do you ask him to sleep on the couch for the time being? Do you set aside a prescribed time each week to talk over your feelings EVEN WHEN IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND THERE'S TEARS?
You get to decide what happens next. It sounds as if he wants to stay married but is he willing to do the hard work of rebuilding a marriage that he laid to ruin with drinking and his cheating? Is he up to facing his shame and admitting what he's done and looking you in the eye every single day and seeing the pain there and knowing he caused it? That takes a big man. Is he big enough? He can earn back your respect and his own self-respect by owning up to what he's done. He's undoubtedly full of remorse but he needs to be able to talk to you about it. He needs to be able to support you in your healing. It will be really hard and he's going to need support for himself while he learns these new behaviours. And you'll have days when it feels hopeless. But if you don't give up on each other, you'll get there. If you choose to walk away, that's absolutely fine too. This is your life and you get to decide where you go from here. But you need to honour your own pain. You need to be kind to yourself and you need to feel safe enough to cry and cry and cry.
OMG Elle, you nailed it. "Better to avoid pain than feel it, right? Better to run away from conflict than face it, right? Better to numb feelings than feel them, right? Better to blame someone else for lousy choices than own them, right?" That has been my CH's M.O.! I hope the IC helps him recover.
DeleteAnonymous from Jan 3- abd Browneyedgirl too (although i know you have a counselor ---this is where a therapist can come in REALLY handy-crucial. Optimally it would be both of you, but if you can just get him to go "with you" to the RIGHT kind of shrink one time it would be so helpful. These guys really do think we are being dramatic (first he thinks it will take 10-20 years and then he's pissed that 3 months is too long). Sometimes hearing what you are going through from a 3rd person is what he might need to hear and even hearing it from a third person is helpful to YOU because it will remind you you are NOT insane or crazy, nor should anyone be expected to be over it anywhere close to 3 months after the fact. We had a FABULOUS shrink in 2014 in couples counseling who did just that, validated every awful feeling that I had-- but I did not know at the time that my husband was a sex addict or sexual compulsive (semantics--whatever) We just started with a specialist who actually pulled out a piece of paper and read off ALL of my emotions after D-day 2---withe me even having to open my mouth. Just asked me if these symptoms sounded familiar--YUP. almost all of our emotions and reactions are textbook--but no one knows, because no one talks about it. Well we talk about it here. Also try reading "after the affair" or if appropriate "your sexually addicted spouse" honestly to read that what we go through is REAL is such a relief. I wish you relief and so much more. OH BTW--none of this is your fault, not the kids, not your looks, not anything--you did not force him to take his penis to another womans house and make him put it anywhere--this was his terribly unhealthy choice. Its a bitch that we are the ones who have such a terrible fall out from it. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHi all,
ReplyDeleteI end up googling something and I found you guys. I probably have read all of the post trying to find calming peace for my head. I still feel very numb, cloudy, foggy in my brain...
Almost 1 week after dday... My h confess to multiple affairs over the last yearS. We have been married for a little over 5 years (11-2011), and realize he has been lying about almost for the last 4. After my h couldnt find work in the city I live, we agree for me move where he is. Long story short, it's didn't work for me and I came back 2 months later. He stayed put. Since we were really short of money, it took him almost 2 months to travel and come see me. And it all started then.
OW #1 was a one night stand (03-2013). But then OW #2 went for multiple times and... she got pregnant (06-2013)! She decided to keep the baby. He's saying that he ask her to not keep the baby, that he was already married and would not go with her, but she wanted a baby girl (she has already 2 boys). All this time, we were trying to have our first baby! So basically, he got somebody pregnant before me, his wife! So that baby was born 03-2014, and my son 10-2014. How can you keep this secret? A baby girl was born, he's the father, and I didn't know about it?!
As all the others CH, he said he loves me and didn't know how to tell me... OW #3 happen when I was pregnant with our second baby (08-2015). After looking at our phone bill and noticing a phone number coming back over and over, I mean 10-15 times a day, plus for very-very long minutes, I confronted him. Of course, I got accused of snooping around, in my own bill! He confess of talking to this girl but noting else. I was suspicious of more but i decided to give him the benefit of the doubt since i had no more evidences. Since I was getting fed up with our situation and being by myself, taking care of a 1 year old baby, pregnant, and working full time, I told him that he had to make a choice. Either to leave us, or come back and live with his family. He chose to come back, and has been with us ever since (12-2015)
But now, for him, he believes he's been working at his mariage for a year now. That he's past this, that he wants to be with his family, that he knows he messed up big and he's asking for forgiveness. He's saying that it was only sex, he never wanted relationship with them.
Now, I am struggling to find sense in all of this. Of course, I ask all details I could think of. I cry myself to sleep. Mat leave is ending this week and I am due to return to work next week. I just feel like a big mess. I am trying to change job and can't imagine doing interviews with a foggy brain right now.
All of this truth because before xmas I was reminiscing and asking myself why I was not super happy with my year 2016? It had been a good one since we had baby girl #2, bought our first house, and even with all this, I still had a sour taste in my mouth. So I mention this to him, and maybe there was something over our head stopping us from having a good break with work, finance, etc. WOW was I on something big!
Hope it makes sense what I am writing...
I am meeting a therapist this weekend for me, I will find that silver lining.
NatLey,
DeleteI'm sorry I missed your post until now. I hope your appointment with a therapist was helpful. And yes, you will find that silver lining. I hear over and over and over again on this site that the husband, the one who cheated, seems to think he gets to set the timeline for when we're supposed to be "over it". That's ridiculous. Of course you're struggling with this. It doesn't matter if it was "just sex". That isn't the point. The point is he lied to you. The point is he went outside your marriage and you weren't informed at any point. The point is he has proven himself untrustworthy and that's terrifying to the woman he's married to. He doesn't get to tell you that your feelings aren't valid.
If he's sincere about wanting to rebuild his marriage, then he's got a lot of work ahead of him, starting with learning how to support you in your pain and with figuring out why he kept cheating on you. He got a woman pregnant, for god's sake. This is no small thing.
You're dealing with so much -- new baby, going back to work, plus the excruciating pain of betrayal. Be gentle with yourself. Your needs are valid. You need support.
Thanks Elle, comforting words today. It's has been a tough day yesterday, and today is no different.
DeleteWe had a good couple last days. But those good days, everything seem unreal...
I found a church close to our home for him that feels much more like he had before coming to live here. I am not a big church person but I always said that i could go to support him. We went last sunday, and he cried so many time during service. But all i could ask myself looking at him and seeing him in pain is, why-why-why? why being so foolish and knowing it would cause so much pain, for sex?!
They have sessions for mariage at that same church, and I ask him if he wanted to go and he said yes.
I am ok to go and see where it can take us.
N
My D-Day was October 13, 2012 as my husband was in the shower getting ready for work and my then 13 year old daughter came to me to tell me that I needed to check her dad's text messages on his phone since she was concerned about the messages. I had no idea what I was about to experience since my husband of 22 years at that point would NEVER do anything like that. He was father of the year and a wonderful yet quite neglectful husband after all the years with running 3 kids around for 19 years. I opened the phone and was devastated at that very moment. I could not believe what I was reading. I was more devastated knowing my young daughter had been reading their texts for over a month and seeing their disgusting sexting pictures to one another. My daughter, who was a huge daddy's girl, carried this burden for all that time which must have felt like an eternity because she did not want to hurt me like that and was confused. My two sons, then 18 and 15, were just devastated as well. I went into the bathroom and opened up that shower door and asked him who Sam was!!! He had the nerve to tell me I had not right to look at his phone which I might add that I paid for monthly since he was a cop and made no money. I ran out of the room and proceeded to go outside to call her # and scream at her to stay away from my husband!!! He fought me for the phone in front of our two younger children who were like deer in headlights!!! He stood a nose length away from our children to say that stupid statement that I am sure we all here have heard!!! WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!! and I am in LOVE with her. My 50 year old husband was a police sergeant that was well respected and had been there for almost 24 years.
ReplyDeleteHe was teaching classes since he was an EMT instructor in the evenings to help out a little through the bad end of the downed market. I had no idea that second job would be the very thing that rips my heart to shreds!!! The whore was a 23 year old little girl who obviously is sick in the head and has daddy issues since she had a nice looking 24 year old husband of one whopping year at home with a working penis unlike my old gray headed overweight severe diabetic husband with ED!!! I could not believe it!!!! I hired a friend of mine who is a PI who thankfully did not charge me one cent to follow him and that whore. I tapped my husband's phone and unfortunately have thousands and thousands of texts that would start at 6 AM to midnight every single day like a teenager!!! It was sickening as I would go to my mother's house with my two younger kids every day to give him enough rope to have that freedom to hang himself!! I was a PI before I had children and knew no matter my emotions I had to contain myself an get my kids under control so I could get what I needed to go t court to hang him!!!! I was a child growing up who watched a father continuously committed adultery. I watch my poor mother suffer so much through the years before they finally divorced then my father being the snake he was married a little girl 24 years old so can you imagine how I felt to now I married a man like my father who also was sleeping with a young girl. Here I was 46 years old at the time and my husband was having an affair with a nasty whore exactly half my age. Boy, what a self esteem killer!!! I can never look 23 again after having 3 kids and living life!!! I came home after a week off driving myself crazy secretly getting all of this evidence I needed and confronted him when I, after reading those secret text messages, knew he was heading to meet with her that evening. What you have to know is this is a man that felt so convicted about his belief in God and would just condemn every single cop who was a nasty adulterer his entire career!! Now he became the very thing he harshly condemned!!! I told him I did not care if he just took his gun and just killed my at that moment however the pain he bought to our children was unforgivable. I went on to tell him what how the oldest was driving around the city looking for him when he was with that whore so he could beat the hell out of him and hated him, how our younger son never wanted to speak to him again and wished he was dead, and how our daughter, the daddy's girl, was calling him by his first name because she said he was not her dad anymore!!! All of a sudden he dropped to his knees and begged for forgiveness. I had not expected that. I had only come home to kick him out!! My whole life flashed before my eyes as a kid of this garbage and how divorce just messed my brother and I up.
ReplyDeleteI made a choice that I am still not sure is the right one only because I wanted to save my children!!! I told him I needed to know everything i order to start healing and working on everything. He lied of course and said he had only gotten ONE blow job but it was just kissing. I was like a deer in headlights myself and though at least thank God he did not stick his penis in her because it would be over at that very instant. I thought maybe I could deal with my own Monica Lewinsky but I believe down deep I was lying to myself to protect my brain and heart from further pain because I knew down deep what the truth really was. His words were I already told you that and am in trouble so wouldn't you think I would tell you if I had done more?? Famous last words!!! For over a year I drove myself crazy, following him, tapping his phone, watching his every move. Thankfully he did retire from the police department 2 months after caught him only to go to work at the fire department which still gave him that freedom to carouse !!! Something just ate at me and ate at my inner soul telling me to find out the truth!!! I later asked a lady who I knew worked a hotel that they would constantly talk about over and over in their texts if she could check to see if either if them were ever registered staying there. Of course, she tells me what day and time the whore had gotten the hotel room for them to meet to have their first sexual encounter. What a freaking pedophile is how I think of him now!!!! Disgusting screwing a girl 30 years younger!!!! Almost the age of our children!!!! This discovery was a year and a half after we sat in church and went through counseling as he lied through his teeth in church to people and the counselors. My heart changed at that moment that everything came out!!!! I do not know how to function as a person anymore. I let it affect my work. I almost lost my home and my car. I almost lost everything because of him. By the way, he was stealing money from us and using it to be with her prior to the D day. POS, here I was having to ask my mother to help me get groceries to feed our three kids and paying her back as I got paid.
ReplyDeleteThis has been the most miserable time in my entire life over the last 4 years. I have gone from being a hurt dead dog beat down to being just damn mad now!!! I think I have just come back to my self. I did have sex with him every single day from D Day to about 8 months ago to keep him from screwing around which I do not know what I was thinking. Just lost my mind for a little while. But now I just do not want him to touch me and it just disgust me the very thought of being intimate with him. I forced myself even though I did not want to for those 3 years and now just cannot do it anymore. We were always sexually active even during his affair and that is why I cannot understand why he did it!!! I am just so beside myself anymore. I get up every morning and just ask God why he will not just take me now so I no longer have to deal with the pain of the person who was the only man I ever trusted, the only man who ever saw me naked, the love of my life and my best friend!!! I get mad with God for making me live another day. I am now 50 almost 50 and here I am too old to even think about starting over with some other POS who would probably hurt me too. My kids have serious trust issues. My daughter will never trust men just as I was. Only, I did trust one unfortunately. I am stuck and do not know how to deal with this anymore. I have been all alone dealing with it. He just goes on as if nothing ever happened and tells me I need to get out of the past!!! Hello, 4 years is nothing compared to how I have wasted 26 years at this point in my life with a man who is a lying cheating adulterer whore!!!! I feel lie my whole life with him has been a lie!!!! I hate my life!!!! This man whom I trusted so much told this little girl every intimate detail about not only our life and our children's but my life growing up, about my rape as a teenager to even the color of my pubic hair!!!! I just cannot deal with the thoughts in my head anymore of seeing his big ass on top of her in my nightmares at night!!!!
ReplyDeleteTracy, I am so so sorry for everything you've gone through. It might have been four years ago but it sounds as though the healing has barely begun. It sounds, from your description of your monitoring him and having sex with him, that you've been outwardly focussed -- on trying to control him rather than heal yourself. It's completely understandable.
DeleteHere's the thing: What has he done to show you that he deserves this marriage? I understand the impulse to protect your kids but they know what's happened. Staying with him to simply fake a happy home isn't helping them at all. And it's certainly not helping you.
Everything you're describing, from the hyper-vigilance to the control sex to the mind movies, is "normal" under the circumstances. But it's not healthy. Not for you and not for your kids. I would really really encourage you to find a therapist who can help you unpack all this pain -- to really work through it -- so that you can make a choice about the rest of your life. Two things I want you to absolutely trust me on: His cheating had NOTHING to do with you. His cheating isn't about what's wrong with you ti's about what's wrong with HIM. And the other thing: You are fifty years old and the mother of three children, plus a former PI. You are badass and you've got plenty to offer the world. You've been beaten down over the years to the point where you no longer see your own value. And that's got to change. Your children need you. And the world needs you. So...get yourself a therapist who will help you work through this trauma. And make no mistake, betrayal is trauma.
And keep us posted how you're doing. You're among friends here Tracy. You're among women who know what you're going through and many who've come out the other side.
I just never knew how big the betrayed spouse club is till I became a member!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteTracy, you will figure this out it just takes as much time as you need. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that time that could have been spent on you instead of H and OW. It sounds like extended PTSD you are experiencing that is unresolved. Get in therapy and learn some coping mechanisms and self compassion. You will get your two feet on the ground when you start to focus on what you want. He made his choice now it is your turn to be in control of you. You have some great skills that you probably have forgotten about. Think about all of you that was let go, little by little and start a plan on how to get you back. I can't believe your husband hasn't reach out to help his kids. I demanded that my H call each one of our to apologize. Not all is well with his relationship with his kids but that is on him. My husband is military and he had to learn what is good for the troops does not translate it will,work in a marriage. In therapy he had to learn how to be a good husband. If your husband is an action junky like mind he needs to unlearn something's too. You are stronger and smarter than him. When these qualities have time to bubble up to your surface you are going to be fine. Concentrate on you and only you now. It is the only way to get through this.
ReplyDeleteI suppose my biggest issue is that I could have dealt alot better with the affair if it had been a female close to our ages instead of a little whore almost 30 years younger than the husband. When he finally told me all the dirty details which made me absolutely lose my mind I rented the hotel room they first had sex in and made him screw me there and told him he would have a new memory there!! Then out of my pain and crazy thinking I made him take me to every place they parked like little teenagers and made him screw me in the car just like he did her!! I think we all just lose our minds during the beginning of the trauma!!! I met her in person when I went to her and her husband's home to tell her to stay away from my husband. It made it worse that she answered the door in a onsie like my children used to wear, you know the ones that your feet go into and it zips up!!! She looked like she was 12 years old. She did not look like a 23 year old these days looks like. It was heart breaking!!! Ouer insurance will not pay for the counseling and we have been kicked out of two different marriage church groups and one marriage group class at church called Re|Engage which is supposed to help couples who are struggling because they said I was not forgiving my husband!!! Of course, the head person was a cheating offender as well so I guess it hit home for him!! How about his forgiveness, huh???!!!Not very Christianlike and made me not want to go back t church. Here I am again with insomnia at 3:50 AM because I do not want to sleep next to him so he will not grope me and I do not have to think about him touching her as he touches me. I feel like I have PTSD. I can tell you that I survived being raped at 15 years old. I would rather be raped over and over than to have my husband give me this pain!!! I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!!! I wish that I could just die than to live another day knowing what the person I considered the love of my life and my best friend did to me and our 3 kids. I am a new grandma too which only makes it worse considering I also caught my son's girlfriend cheating on him then he decided he would be like me and forgive her then she popped up pregnant. I made her have a paternity test hoping my son could get away from that girl but the child is his. I love that little baby but I hate knowing my son has been through a horrible heartache like me. He did quit judging me and telling me that I need to get over it and on with life since he now understands that it is not that simple. My kids are scarred for life. I know because I was also that child whose father was a nasty whore with young girls. My daughter told me she would like to go to a therapist as well. It killed me when she told me she wanted to kill herself not long after she had caught my husband having the affair since she felt like she let me down by waiting over a month to tell me. She is 17 now and was 13 at that time. I told her she was a little girl and could not carry that burden. There is no way to ever know if she could have prevented it or not. At the time I caught him he had only started having sex with the whore 2 weeks prior so this is why my daughter felt that way which only infuriates me with the husband for hurting my baby like that!!!!! I have so much anger inside me and rage at times!!! I do not know how to deal with this any longer!!!!
ReplyDeleteTracy,
DeleteYou feel like you have PTSD because you do have PTSD. Many betrayed wives experienced it and many therapists work with women to help them deal with it. I think betrayal, on top of earlier trauma (ie. rape), can be ever more devastating because it triggers that earlier trauma too.
And while I completely understand your anger -- you have every reason to be furious -- at a certain point the anger only ends up hurting you. You're going to need to figure out how to heal yourself before you can consider forgiving him. I'm sorry those marriage groups can't respect your position because asking a wife to "forgive" before she's welcome is wrongheaded and utterly unhelpful. This isn't about forgiveness so much as it's about healing. I don't even know if I've "forgiven" my husband. I do know I've allowed him to show me that he can be a better person than he was.
I would really urge to find a therapist you can afford. There are some who will allow payment on a sliding scale. If your husband can afford hotel rooms with the woman he was cheating with, you can certainly spend $ on someone to help you manage your fury and turn it into empowerment. Keep reading here. You'll find lots of great support and advise from incredible women. But start, Tracy, by learning to breathe through your anger. Don't act on it. Just breathe through it. Be conscious of your thoughts spiralling away on you and remind yourself that, right now, you're safe and you're strong and you will get through this. Teach your daughter to do the same thing. Remind her that she's strong and safe. Show by example that people can be hurt and they can rise up. Consider taking up running or some other way of getting rid of that physical rage. You can do this, Tracy. But stewing in anger isn't going to get you anywhere.
Tracy,
DeleteI am sorry you had a bad experience with the program at the church but please consider trying one at a different church or a different faith based program in addition to counseling. For CH & I we need all of it: IC, MC & the broken marriages retreat. The one we went to was a peer ministry so it really helped me to hear other couples decades out from infidelity who have repaired, restored & renewed their marriages.
Forgiveness is a process, it is not black and white. You can't just forgive because you want to (that's just where to start). I knew early on after learning of the betrayal that whether I stay or separate I eventually wanted to forgive my CH because it is my only way to my own peace. Our forgiveness of them is for our own healing. It's a gift to yourself first and them second. God's forgiveness is for the CH's. So, someday I will forgive my CH. I don't know when that will be. I'm only 11 weeks out from DD and I think I'm somewhere in the 25-50% range of forgiveness. At first it was much closer to 0! Then he truly started showing repentance and asked for my forgiveness several times. That helped move it along. Then we went to the retreat weekend and that helped a little more. Some days I/we have a bad day and I go backwards! It will take a long time to get to 100% because what he did was so enormous I can't even process it all.
You are strong!
I am 4 years out since D day however on 2.5 since he told me the truth. Almost like starting over from day one again. Where was the marriage retreat?
DeleteSorry, Tracy, I JUST saw your question - it was Retrouvialle
DeleteMy husband cheated when I was pregnant with my daughter I catch him over his phone they were texting from some months from April to August and they had sex around my daughter due day June 5 ,I went back to him because we have 2 children and because my mother in-law is drying due to pancreatic cancer and I feel guilty to take away the kids now she needs us together but there's times I feel like I don't want him to touch me anymore Everytime we have sex I see him with the other women in my head by the way in the messages were very grafic and they say what the did to each other and he told me everything they did and he finished 2 in her without protection that's what hurts me the most he didn't think about me and getting me an STD which I don't have thank God ,he says it was only once but I don't believe him they were planning to see each other again around the time I busted him by the way the we're trying to have sex again around June 18 when my daughter was born he didn't stay in the hospital with me probably was trying to have the apartment for the 2 of them but in the texts the other women couldn't go because she worked that day I feel so disgusted by him when we kiss I don't feel like kissing him back Everytime he leaves I feel good I don't have to put up a fake smile , I don't feel the same anymore I feel I rush by coming back to him and that need more time but at the same time we have 2 kids and I grew up without a dad and I don't want them to suffer ,I don't know what to do by the way the other women is like in her 30s and I am 25 I feel like she did him better them me that's why he we as with her
ReplyDeleteBy the way I live in a very little town and my culture is very sexist (Mexican)I live in southern California and my culture is very to the male side and to them it's OK if you cheat being guy but for women is not the same , for example my in-laws are very traditional and we're pressuring me to go back to him and omg my mother in-law I know she's very sick but she wasn't on my side she told me that probably it won't be the last time and that I needed to sacrifice myself for the well-being of my kids and if not I would and up like most single moms from a guy to another ,I was very offended by her I finally understood that there were never are gonna be my side even if he was the one who did me wrong for that I feel very pressure every time I try to talk to him about my feelings he gets mad if I want to check his phone ( by the way he agreed to many condition at the beginning ) he gets mad I'm like if ur not hiding anything you shouldn't get mad when I ask for your phone ,I am really tire of trying I feel that if he cheats again I don't care if it's only by text I'm gonna leave him this is ridiculous were not even 3 year married and I been cheated already I feel mad at him even though has almost 6 months ago when I busted him I'm still mad and the worst thing is that he makes me feel bad about being angry
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to do I feel like if I leave him I'm afraid my kids are growing up without a dad but I'm afraid I will live a life unhappy with someone I can't even trust how can I trust him after what he did and he stills don't let me touch his phone I don't know if I love him anymore I'm just tired of his immature ass he's going to be 30 this year but I am afraid he might cheat again and I'm pregnant with baby no3
ReplyDeleteHeartbroken Carmen
DeleteI'm so so sorry for the pain you feel. I suppose I understand some of what you say regarding the Hispanic double standard for males. Our daughter was with a man from this culture for five years struggling to understand his selfish choices that rarely considered my daughter and their children's needs other than providing a roof over their head and food to eat. This relationship began when my daughter was just a freshman in college. She worked hard to finish her degree, worked two jobs to help his family and as you know in this culture, male dominated needs first. She was the one that had a relationship with another man and as you say, unforgivable for the woman. They separated and share joint custody. In the four years since that relationship ended, she has met and married a wonderful man that loves her and the boys and puts their needs first. She finally has her happy ever after. Now I also understand your conflicts over tearing the family apart during the crisis of family illness. My daughter had the same situation with his father. I think that's why she stayed in the relationship as long as she did. Now for you I have this advise. If he wants the relationship with you to last, he will have to swallow his pride in regard to the phone. He lost his right to privacy and it doesn't matter his culture. Six months in is still raw hurt angry feelings. They don't last forever but being pregnant, your emotions are normal. Another thing I know about Hispanic men, they are very protective of their offspring. Remind him that this emotional time could bring harm to the unborn child, it tends to cause a high blood pressure when we're under the stress of betrayal. The trust issue doesn't come up until he proves he can be trusted. None of us hear can be sure our h won't do this again. Many here have the kind that had done this many times. You have choices but I think for now, you just wait and watch his actions. You will know if and when a different choice has to be made! Hugs!
So I've just been admitted to the club that I guess no one ever wants to join.
ReplyDeleteIt hasn't even been 48 hours since my world fell apart.
We've been together for 9 years married for nearly 7 and he has been cheating on/off for 4 1/2 years. We have a 4 1/2 year old and 3 year old.
It's taken two days to get the whole truth out of him, and I had to find texts to find out about the final one and even then he lied and said it was just messages and phone calls. He was with her for a year. He said he loved her in his messages.
I have no idea how to stick a brave face on for the world when all I want to do is fall apart.
He says he loves me and didn't love her and wants to work on this but how do you get past the pain. I had a new baby when he was with the first one, he had another baby with me following which I had a major bleed and nearly died and that didn't make one bit of difference, he still found another woman.
He has told his mother who thinks it's my fault because I let him work away (fly in fly out), because it's too much to expect him to be faithful for 8 weeks.
How do I tell my mum this, I feel so ashamed and I don't know why because I did nothing but love him every day for 9 years.
Unknown
DeleteI'm so so sorry you had the reason to find this blog but glad you did! It's a safe place to vent your pain and get advice on moving forward. At the time of my h affair, we were living in separate houses due to his job and my need to help our daughter through a difficult custody battle. My h came 'home' to me/us each Friday but yet he managed to keep his bed warm by bringing his ow home to live with him for two months. She knew he was married but she kept the affair going even after I moved into his work house. Together we are now making this a home. I'm not sure his mother has a right to blame anyone that this happened as you certainly did not pull his penis out of his pants and stick it in another woman! These were his selfish choices and it's up to him to figure out why he made those choices. I also felt ashamed if the knowledge that my h, my hero, had been busy having passionate sex with someone else Monday through Thursday during a really rotten time in our relationship. In looking back at those years, I remember him being stressed and unhappy with himself. When he bought me a car to transport my large lab and built me a fence for her to live in, I was over joyed that our marriage could begin to heal from living separate that year. Well surprise to me! He continued his affair from fear of her telling me for an additional year but ended the physical part five months before she blew my world apart! You ask how you get past the pain. That depends on how your h is acting towards you now. But it takes time to adjust to the emotions you are feeling from learning about his selfish choices. It takes a lot of time and you start by understanding this is not in no way at all your fault! He's chosen these things and now wants you to forgive and go back to being married. Well again it takes time and hard work on his part to prove he's worth your efforts! His mother doesn't get a say of any kind in your marriage. If you can, find a good therapist to help you wade through your feelings! Hugs! I know how hard this is!
Unknown Feb 14th, If he capable lying, don't automatically think he told his mother the entire truth unless you were there. Why would he tell his mother so quickly? Was that so he could tell HIS version before she saw your pain? I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are in shock right now. The road before you is long and it is like getting a knock out punch. Somewhere in this site is a list of questions you can ask him to really get to the means and motive. It is a starting point. He has to go no contact with his woman period,end of her. My therapist refuses to help any couples where he is seeing OW. She said there is usually a zero chance of recovery. Insist on all his passwords. Look at all the bank statements. There is a program called Mr Phone that I just heard about were you can get deleted texts. I'm so sorry. Take your time, don't make any decisions right now because you probably aren't rational and that is ok. Do whatever you need to do for YOU. He shit in his Cheerios already, lost his chance to decide what is right for you. Hang in there. The shame is on him not you. You didn't do anything wrong. Do let him tell you it is your fault because it isn't. From his mothers reaction he sounds like a master at manipulating so stay strong and true to yourself. Take care of you. Make him work for a second chance and you see if he is worth it and deserves it. Love to you and I'm so sorry. Get into therapy asap, you can't do this by yourself. Let him take care of the kids, go somewhere and read every post every word on this site. I promise it will help you. Let us know how you are doing.
ReplyDeleteIn January, I knew something was going on with my husband. He was withdrawing, said that he wasn't happy with his job, with being out in the garage (he's a car guy), with our marriage. I was shocked. I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. I kept thinking that something was going on, but when I would confront him about it, he'd say, "If I were cheating on you, I'd have the balls to admit it." Famous last words.
ReplyDeleteThe last week of January, he left our home, said he wanted out of the marriage. I was completely and totally devastated. Said he needed a few days to think. Well, a few days stretched out into a week. He would come over and we would talk. But I knew that he wanted out, he just didn't have the guts to tell me. So finally, we decided to divorce and stop hurting each other. I felt relief, knowing that we would still be friends because he was my best friend.
Then last Tuesday came. My 16-yr-old daughter and I were downstairs, hanging out, when she said, "MOM. Look at THIS." She was looking at her iPad, which was still synced to her dad's iPhone. There were nude photos of a woman on it. I was absolutely livid. This was the same woman who's car my husband had fixed three months ago, the one who friended him on Facebook, he said, so they could "talk about her car." What a fool I was.
As my husband had, just that day, moved into an apartment in a town 20 miles away, I went to confront him. I had just gotten out of the shower and was in my pajamas, but I didn't care. The anger I felt burning inside me was such that I knew I could *never* wait until morning to confront him. But when I got to his apartment, surprise, surprise, he wasn't home. I waited around for awhile, then drove home, talking to my mom the entire way and bawling my eyes out. I sent text after text, left voicemails with him, but he didn't answer. When I got home, I threw all his clothes on the lawn.
The next morning, he called and demanded to know why his phone had been blowing up with messages. So I said, 'You got caught.' He DENIED it, said that he wasn't cheating on me. I said, 'I have the photos to PROVE it." He got very quiet. I laid into him, calling her every name I could think of. And honestly? I couldn't understand WHY he would go for someone like HER. She looked like the poster child for STDs! It was horrible!
That night he came over to pick his clothes off the lawn and get the rest of his stuff. And when he came in, I vented my anger. I told him everything I thought. I didn't stop. I got it ALL out. He said that she had pursued him, and he didn't do anything to stop it. She knew he was married. She KNEW what she was doing. She has three young kids and I KNOW he doesn't want to be a stepdad. He said, "I'm not planning on staying with her." The whole thing just floored me. And apparently he did NOT have the balls to tell me he was cheating on me. Such a sniveling coward.
And after he left and the anger was gone...I collapsed. I wanted to check myself into the hospital because I simply couldn't cope. My daughter called my mom and she came over to sit with me and I eventually came out of my shock.
My daughter refuses to talk to her dad and especially refuses to talk to him since he is still seeing the OW. I hate her. I despise her. I want to gouge her eyes out. Today I found her mailing address and I wrote her a letter, but I don't know if I'll send it.
The pain is unbelievable. We are getting a divorce. 18 years. I stood by him through SO MUCH. And he does this to me. I am devastated by his betrayal. Utterly devastated. His first wife cheated on him so I never thought he would do this to me. But he did.
I went and saw a lawyer today and I'm also going to see a counselor. I also went and got tested for STDs - thankfully, they all came back negative. There is no hope of reconciliation.
I am strong. I will be okay. I just have to get through this. But it hurts so, so, so bad.
Anonymous,
DeleteThere is strength in your pain, I can hear it. You sound stronger than I felt so soon after Dday. It does hurt SO bad. I am so sorry your daughter had to learn about what a selfish cheater her father is in such a devastating way. It sounds like you are surrounded by a good team with your daughter, mother, counselor, doctor & lawyer. You will get strong and after you do don't be surprised if your CH finally realizes what he lost and comes crawling back.
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Please know you're among women who've been exactly where you are. Who didn't think we could survive another minute, let alone a day, a week, a month. Who couldn't imagine that the day would come when we would be okay, even good. Please know you will get there.
But first....it's gonna hurt like hell. Don't do anything that might land you in jail or with any charges against you. Forget about this OW (I know, I know, not easy). She just made herself available. That's it. This is on your husband.
Please consider getting yourself and your daughter a counsellor so that each of you can work through the pain of betrayal. She was betrayed by a father she thought was better than this. And that's devastating to learn at any age, but especially as a teen.
You also need support as you go through the emotions. Anger can be good because it can keep you moving forward as you go through a divorce. But at a point, it becomes toxic. Behind that anger is a whole lot of hurt and fear. Focus on that. Let yourself feel it. But trust that you'll get past it.
Hang in there, Anonymous. I promise you will get through this.
I'm sorry I haven't been back to reply to you, Elle, or Browneyedgirl, but I wanted to say thank you for your comments. I've been in therapy the last few months as has my daughter. I'm doing much better, but it still kicks me in the teeth sometimes when I think about the two of them together. We are divorcing and it will hopefully be final this month or next. I want it done and over with. I hate that I miss him; I hate that I am always wondering if he's dating someone new. But thankfully, those days are few and far between. I'm so glad for this site. In fact, because of your site, I learned about the Infidelity Hurts Virtual Conference and I am going to it! Thanks, Elle, for all that you do here.
DeleteAnon 8:45. What a coward is all I think of saying. You will think the pain will never stop. Your life just exploded into front of you and your daughter. I remembered the feeling too well. Let him wallow and have that skank. If she has three children, it won't take him long to realize what he lost. I read this over and over about who think the grass is greener. Take care of you and your daughter. I grew up in an affair home, the best thing is just to listen to your daughter and talk openly. You will get through this, Anyone who would throw his clothes on the front lawn and try to confront him in PJ's is one hell of woman. You have great common sense - counselor, lawyer and physician.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lynn Less Pian! My daughter and I are both in therapy and it has helped tremendously. As far as I know, he's not with the OW as he has no plans of being a stepfather. Things are getting better day by day. :)
DeleteI have been with my husband over three decades, and married for 27 years. We have two kids together, now young adults living on their own. There are far more details than space to write them all out, but here's the condensed version of my story -
ReplyDeleteAbout 15 years ago I started suspecting an affair - classic signs like shutting the computer down when I walked in, always trying new things sexually, whispered phone calls, very protective of his phone, late nights at work, etc. I kept asking if he was having an affair but was always told absolutely not - he wouldn't do that, wouldn't risk exposing me or the kids to an std. I kept all my suspicions to myself, never even voicing them to my best friend, because everyone thought we had the perfect marriage....
Finally, I said we either see a counselor or I'm done, because I just didn't believe he had been faithful. We had a few sessions with a counselor, who came to the conclusion that everything was in my imagination and that I needed to be "more sexually open" with my husband. I never went back. Every time we argued, about anything, all the old issues and hurt came back, and I would bring up the fact that he threw me under the bus to the counselor by agreeing that I was imagining things. He initially stayed calm, telling me that he would never cheat on me, then over the years started getting angry when I would bring it up, telling me that it was all my imagination and I was crazy.
Fast forward 15 years, the suspicions are stronger than ever and I tell him that I don't want a divorce, don't want to break up our family, but something has to change because I can't live like this anymore.
A few days later, he came home and said he needed to talk to me. I knew I was going to hear about the long-ago affair. He started talking, and there was so much more. Affairs with three different women over the last twelve years, lots of sexual innuendo with other women, and that claim that he would never expose me or the kids to an std? His saying "the kids" should have been a red flag to me at the time: he came into the relationship with an incurable std and never told me, even when I was pregnant. I was devastated, and kept asking if there was more. He insisted, swore, that he had told me everything. Except there was more disclosure over the next few days, details he had left out, like an affair before we were married (but living together). I asked every question I could think of, some of which I now regret knowing the answers to.
We started seeing a counselor immediately, and found out my husband has a sex and porn addiction. We both found other individual counselors who deal with sex addiction, he is in group counseling and we both attend 12 step meetings. Over the next six months even more trickled out, then we had a formal disclosure, where I learned more details about the first counselor we had seen, 15 years ago. Turns out my husband had gotten a polygraph without telling me. He wrote the questions, wording them so he would pass, then called that counselor before our first appointment and told him he had not had an affair, he had a polygraph to prove it, and that I was crazy.
heartinflight
He swore at that point that I knew absolutely everything, and hoped that we could put it behind us, thought it would be a "new start" for us. After finding out the details about the first counseling sessions, I asked him to move out for a while to give me time and space to think.
ReplyDeleteA couple months later, something prompted me to ask another question and he told me that the last time he had seen the last affair partner, (affair had ended several years earlier but they occasionally talked) he had hit on her and wanted to start things up with her again. She turned him down and 5 months later is when he felt "he couldn't live with the guilt any longer" and decided to tell me about the affairs.
My life has been turned upside down. The level of deception and betrayal is overwhelming. I didn't know this kind of emotional pain was possible. He is remorseful and says he can't believe what he's done, he hopes we can work through this and stay married. I have consulted an attorney but am not ready to commit, either to a divorce or to staying in the marriage.
I know that I will never completely trust him again, and that I will never feel the love for him that I used to. I've always wanted a marriage (don't we all?) where I felt that my husband was my best friend, that I felt confident he would always have my best interest at heart, and that he loved me as much as I loved him. I don't want to stay in a marriage out of fear that I will never find anyone else and be alone for the rest of my life. I also don't want to feel like last choice, or plan B, that he decided to come clean and work on his marriage because the one he wanted to be with doesn't want him. And I don't want to live in fear - that he will "relapse" and do this again.....
It's been 14 months and I have been able to work through a lot of the pain and anger (rage) through counseling. I feel like my life is in limbo and I can't live like this much longer. I know the pain will never be completely gone. I look at him now and all I see the person who was capable of looking me in the eye and swearing that he was faithful, the person who was willing to make me think I was crazy rather than be honest about what he was doing. I see the other women, the horrific porn images that are forever in his mind...and pray that someday, somehow, I can get to the point that I don't think about this every waking minute.
heartinflight
I completely understand how you feel toward your H, heartinflight. I feel so similarly - love him but will never fully trust him again and don't think I can ever love him as deeply as I used to. He now tells me that he is "the luckiest guy in the world" (because I am giving him a final chance) and sometimes he goes on to say "I hope you feel lucky too". Um, no, I will never feel 'lucky' to be married to a reformed CH. He tells me that the COW was the worst decision of his life and I am "the best decision of his life" and he hopes I feel the same way about him. Um, no, I may someday be at peace with my decisions regarding our marriage, but 'the best decision', nope!
DeleteHi Anon, i am sorry you are here. There are amazing ladies on this site, they forgive have compassion, understanding, the list is endless. Do you know what i think, i think these men are selfish people who should know better, getting off on what they do. i am 61 years old and i am trying to get over my H cheating!!! why are we going through this it is unacceptable AND i will never look or respect my H like i used to. They lie and cheat and its because they like doing what they do. I still dont know if i should have stayed!!! I am still waiting for something else he might be doing POP up from nowhere. No one knows the pain Anon unless they have experiented it like us. You are in good hands here, its a matter of time................ you will feel better xxxx
DeleteI always think that why stay with the W if they want to do what they do LEAVE!!! i know life isnt that simple but i think the fact that they have someone at home adds to the excitement of it all. Why carry it on so long!!! If it was me i would say i dont love you i am leaving!! I have great admiration for they ladies on this site, i still struggle with the whys and why fors but 2 years on i feel at least a little human, so will you xx
DeleteHeartinflight, like you I have come to discover my H is also a sex addict. Just know, as you 12 step like I do, do NOT let anyone put the co-dependant label on you. I must say my group is fantastic in this regard. We all agree "after hours" that it's impossible to be co anything to something you did not know was happening. Even if you had a feeling, a hunch, something, nothing can prepare you for this devastation that those actions and that freeking compulsion or disease brings into your life. The stories i have would curl your hair as I am sure yours would mine- I mean, your polygraph story floored me--how could that NOT be a red flag to a shrink? They can fool just about anyone, and that's scary. I feel fortunate (for myself) that I have found strength in my own journey. I had to wade like hell through the pain and hurt and lies to find it, but i found it. If you come to the conclusion that you cant live like this, that's OK. No one would condemn you for leaving. Unlike your "other" half, you have given this your best shot. I believe that you have. I think that my relationship is now stronger, but I don't think that everyone can live with this sort of history and continue the relationship. I'm not sure how I am doing it, but i am. i take solace in the fact, or at least the hope, that i am not being duped anymore. I know there are a lot of women in the world who are being fooled daily. and the one thing I cannot tolerate is humiliation. I hate that I know some things that I know, but I am glad they are not little fucking secrets he keeps to himself. I'm sure he has some, but I know enough. He's come a long way and has a long way, a lifetime to go, and so although I love him, at this point, our shrink says, it would be foolish to trust him completely so i feel fully vindicated in not and have no shame in there. Once trust is lost is much harder to earn it back. He can just keep working. I wish you some love girl.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Browneyedgirl, Jilly55 and Steam, for the comments. I am so happy to have found this site.
ReplyDeleteI'm past the stage (for the most part) of disbelief that this has happened, but I'm still shocked that he could hide this for so long.
Some days I feel like I can get past this, maybe we can get to a place of acceptance and being able to call the past the past. Most days, I feel like there is no way in hell I'm staying married to someone who could look me in the eye and lie to me, who would rather hurt me by telling me I was crazy, than admit the truth about what he'd been doing. How does someone knowingly expose another human being to an incurable std without telling them? Even when they are pregnant with your child? I understand (as much as I can at this point) the guilt and shame cycle of an addict, but I still cannot come to terms with the lack of character and humanity necessary to withhold something so serious.
Right now, I don't think any amount of therapy is going to make me want to stay married to him.
HeartinFlight
HeartinFlight, like Steam, I am also married to a man with a history of porn, massage parlors, jerk off joints and prostitutes. His disclosure to me in June 2015 was because he thought he had AIDS. He had been sick for awhile and everyone was baffled so once he decided to tell the doctor at his visit the next day, he sat me down that night and told me about his paying for sex. That was one week before our daughter delivered her first baby and it shattered my world and my life. It took many months of me searching the web and reading stuff and sending him stuff and asking if he thought he was a sex addict with him denying it before he finally took one of the online tests. The thing I was hung up on was his inability to answer one question, "Why did you do this?" He always said, "I don't know". That was his truth and it took him taking the test, accepting that some of the questions in the test were true about his early childhood and then buying a book from George Collins about Overcoming Sexual Compulsion to really start getting his head on strait. He really hated himself and wanted to stop. He did not understand the roots of addictions were in his childhood. He did attend counseling both individually and with me. He took a Mindfulness class for addiction and was able to tell me some hard truths about the life he lived as a child and the beliefs he had about himself that set in motion a life of shame around using sex to manage difficult emotions. The key for him (and me) is that he was so disgusted with himself he wanted to change because he felt like he wanted to die rather than continue to live the life he was living. If you read about sexual compulsions (Compulsion solutions web site has a good blog) and try to understand sex addiction you will read that this has nothing to do with us. This is very personal for our husbands and was set in place when they were very young. It was grandfathered into our marriage in 1979 and will forever be part of my husband's life. It was awful and his parents were awful and he had awful experiences that reinforced his persona beliefs about himself that he was worthless. Elle has a a couple of early posts about sex addiction if you can find them. Oh, yes, he is handsome and had a very wonderful career, masters degree, well thought of smart but that was not reflected in his psyche. So many things I can't even say. I think for most of us married to men with sexual compulsions, they have to hit bottom in such a way that they will do anything to stop that behavior. It is not easy but many men manage to do it. They have triggers and such that they must learn to manage. The one thing that helped my husband the most was taking the mindfulness class for addictions. It was like the icing on the cake from therapy and George's book on overcoming sexual compulsion. I can't un-know what I know about his acting out but I also can't un-know all of the awful things that happened to him that created the emotional void in his heart that he filled the only way he know how and that was to self comfort with sex. Moving from masterbation to porn to strip clubs to jerk off joints to massage parlors, prostitutes etc continued to leave him feeling shame and void of emotions. This is his journey and it has caused me deep pain but it is much worse for him than me. We are working hard on our marriage and both want to stay together. You will learn about boundaries here and how to set and keep them. It is hard, and Steam is a pro at them. We love you, we feel for you and we will support any decision or choice you make. Peace and Love
DeleteWe have been married 6 years. Second marriage for both of us with a long time single.
ReplyDeleteHe is the love of my life, my friend, my confidante and fellow adventurer.
A couple of months ago we had a period where we were both wirking hard, week ends apart etc. the week of my birthday he was in another city for work. His replies to my texts were brief but I didn't think much if it. Then my mother became very sick. I spent ten days with her in hospital and she eventually died. He was distant during this time but did. One and support me a couple of times. The day she died he left for the other city saying he had a meeting. He stayed there two nights and a day. The night of her death I rang him in tears. I was distressed. But most distressed by him going off and leaving me. When he came back I asked how could he do that. I can't remember what else I said but whatever I said he confessed to an affair with a younger woman. Several weeks. The next few days were dark and I was numb or crying. Tried to put in a brace face for my kids and my family. What hurts me so much is the death of my mother is forever tainted by the lies, receipt and betrayal of my husband. When I needed him he rationalised that he could be away as I had my extended family. Even now almost 6 weeks I still can't grieve for my mother. I am broken. I am sad
I am so hurt. He says he loves me. He says it is over. There is no more contact. He says he has chosen me. That he is committed to rebuilding our marriage and me.
But it doesn't help me much. I'm still numb at times, overwhelmed with sadness, disbelief that this has happened to me. And what did I do to deserve this.
I love my husband even more I think but I have anger, grief, sadness. I am disappointed that he doesn't understand how incredibly big the pain is that I carry.
Some days are ok for a few minutes anyway. And then I remember. It is real. It happened. Some days it feels like I am drowning in misery. Others I feel ok because I distract myself. Then the thoughts and questions return.
Therapy helps a little. Talking with friends helps a little. But I think seeing how other betrayed wives have coped and got stronger and better had been such a comfort to me. Thank you
MM So very sorry for your pain! Hugs to you! Keep coming to this site. Read the words of all these incredibly strong women. Be a friend to yourself. Go to the mirror, look into those eyes, tell that woman that she's beautiful (Elle's advice). She may not hear or believe you for awhile, but don't give up! Hugs to you!!
DeleteMy D-Day was June 17, a week ago today. We’ve known each other for 10 years, married almost 5.
ReplyDeleteThe last year was tough because I had accepted a dream job in Seattle. He was commuting still to San Diego where we had lived. When I accepted my job last year, he worked out a 12-month transition period with his job, where he’d be in Seattle a few days a week, then more, then this summer – we were almost there – fully with me.
He told me how supportive he was of me following my dreams. He said that one year where we still got to see each other every week was going to be a blink of an eye in a lifetime together. By January, we had gotten over the midway hump. It felt like we could start planning for our new life in a new city.
Out of nowhere, in mid-May, he arrived in Seattle on his normal flight and was cold and detached. I asked him what was going on. He told me he was “Going through some stuff.”
“What stuff?” That’s when he had the nerve to start asking me if I thought our marriage was really working. Excuse me, WHAT? He’d never said anything like that before. We spent two days “talking things through” and at the end of that weekend in mid-May, I thought we had broken through. Some old resentments had surfaced, we talked about them, and he seemed genuine when he said, “I’m so sorry, I was angry at the situation and I forgot all the good about us.”
The rest of May seemed lovely including a weekend in wine country and long hikes to reconnect. We signed a new lease for a bigger apartment. Still, there was still some part of him that seemed opaque. He writes songs and has always shared his lyric notebook with me. He was still asleep on the morning of June 17, just a week ago, and I was in our office where our cat likes to eat, giving her breakfast.
I saw his lyric notebook and decided to see if there was a recent song that would shed some light into his mood. On the 1st page, there was a song questioning where time was going. The kind of thing you write when you’re 38 and midlife feelings start to hit. Then, I turned the page and found a 3-page “list” that started: I love Jen. I love Patty. I love Jen because… I love Patty because… And on and on and on.
I just stood there shaking. I heard him calling my name from the bedroom and walked back to face him. I started at him and said, “Who the f*** is Patty?” He sat up and I repeated myself.
It took the last week to get the truth out of him. At least I think I know the truth, but who knows. He gave me access to all his devices, I read everything, the lot.
He had started flirting with this woman, a coworker, back in January. Via work email. This woman, who is my age and has been divorced 2 years, flirted and told him how great he was. They were mutually flirting and building up a romance. She knew he was married.
When I made him open his phone bill, it showed they started talking every day in mid-March. Exactly one week to the day that we returned from a beautiful vacation in Mexico.
They started calling each other for hours at a time. (She also lives in another city but visits the office in SD where he works.) He called her every morning and night, even when he was in Seattle. When I’d go to bed, he’d call her. When I left for work, he’d call her. He called her 3 times on my birthday. He called her when we were away in late May in wine country, sneaking out while I was in the bath.
They had just “kissed for the first time” before that weekend he became cold and distant with me in May. She had just been in San Diego for work and they had “hung out.” On June 4, she flew out again to San Diego to meet him. They met up at the airport when he was flying back to SoCal after spending a week with me.
He told me that as soon as he saw her in the airport, he knew he couldn’t “go through with it,” but she still came back to his place and spent two nights with him.
My soul feels absolutely crushed right now. He told me he ended it on June 10 (a week before I found out). He says he will do anything to be with me. He can go to hell.
Anonymous, I am so sorry you found yourself part of the club that no married woman wants to join. What do you want? If your H did everything right to reconcile with you would you want to try? There is no wrong or right answer to that, it is highly personal and you will find that the wonderful women on this blog will be there to hold you up no matter what you decide. Elle has a lot of good posts on here about what H needs to do to have a shot at winning you back. MC/IC has helped many of us - a 3rd party professional who does this for a living can be a godsend. Sending you my empathy. I hope you find comfort on this site.
DeleteAnon
DeleteI'm sorry you've been betrayed. This is a safe place to share, you are among women who care about you! Hugs.
Thanks so much Browneyedgirl. My first step right now is figuring out what I want. I left for a week to spend time with my mom and sister in Houston. That meant having to also take time out of work at the worst possible time. So, I'm super anxious and overwhelmed at not only the situation, but having told a relatively new employer during a major event at work that I had to leave for a week due to a family crisis. They've been understanding, but I'm having a hard time not feeling overwhelmed by 1) all of my emotions and distress, 2) making emotional space to think about what I really want now, and 3) knowing there is a ton of work I'm falling behind on. I work for a major corporation, and I left and could only say family crisis. I know people will expect me to have had a death in the family to have taken off at such a busy time, so now I don't even know what I'm going to tell people when I get back later this week.
DeleteAs you can see, I'm swirling all over the place.
Adding to my story above...
DeleteMy name is Jen, BTW. So, while posting as anonymous, fine to call me Jen. I didn't know how to add my name without revealing more info about myself.
So, adding to above, my husband is going to an all-company event the week of July 11, and the OW will be there. He has sworn he has made arrangements to not be around her. Most people are flying in and staying at the hotel where the conference will be, but he and his boss will be driving to the conference every day -- as one of his examples. He has the nerve to say, I'm going to do everything possible to make this less traumatic for you...
WHAT? So the choice here is, 1) I ask him to leave his job (everyone at the company is expected to attend and he's presenting) and then not only do I have to shoulder the burden of our finances until he finds something else, he also gets to build resentment toward me for leaving his job?? Or 2) I get to wonder WTF for an entire week when he's at this event, even if he's not staying at the hotel? Even if 100+ other people will also be there???
No idea what to do with this, any advice appreciated.
Thanks, Truth. Appreciate your message.
DeleteHi Jen,
DeleteThis is how you give yourself a 'name' on here. On the Reply as: Select profile.. dropdown, select Name/URL. Type your name or nickname in the first line and leave the URL blank.
THis is how makes it 'less traumatic for you' and begins the very hard work to repair your marriage. a) He must have NC with the OW. In an ideal world he would get 'sick' and miss the meeting. But, if it could risk your family's livelihood then you could insist that he calls OW with you on speaker phone and ends it simply, factually, cleanly.
b) he gives you ALL the passwords to his phone, email, etc.
c) someone on this blog gave me the idea to put a 'Find Friends' or other app on your phones. You can see where is phone is at all times and through this blog I also learned how to read my H's texts on line, even if he deletes them on the phone they stay on the web, this depends on which carrier you have.
d) one of them needs to find a new job - he can begin his search now. Good chance they are both at risk of getting fired for using their work email in that manner, if I were them I'd rather look for a new job now then have my HC department get those emails and fire me.
e) remorse goes to MC, I would even go further to say that CH is the one who should be responsible for making the apts. Remorse goes to IC to figure out what flaw allowed them to sabotage the best thing in their life (many of us find something significant in their childhood, etc)
f) while he is at conference you go see your GYN (get all the appropriate tests), see an IC (for you own sanity) and an attorney (that doesn't mean you have to file, it just means you are getting educated, often for no charge, on what your rights are should you separate or divorce).
I think many of us understand how being betrayed can affect your work - it certainly affected mine. My company offered an EAP and I used them, although I think they were blown away by the circumstances, but they did help me with the anxiety & depression. But you need your work. It gives you purpose. It gives you financial security. I bet you are amazing at work! You can continue to be vague with why you had to take off - say there was a major illness in the family, you don't have to share details and then get caught up in the story.
Jen,
DeleteBrowneyedgirl gave you some excellent advice. I would add two things:
1. He needs to get tested first. He can go to a walk-in health dept clinic -- today. You'll need to get tested too, but depending on the results of his tests, you can give yourself a little time to mentally regroup before you have to go thru that humiliation. I wish I had. Brace yourself. I told them I was married and then they asked me how many sexual partners I had in the past year. I suppose they've seen it all, but still. I cried a lot.
2. BEG is right, one of them needs to get a new job. I vote him. He should do it before he can be fired and/or get hit with a sexual harassment law suit (it may or may not be a legit claim, but it could be devastating either way). I'm 2 years from DDay and my H no longer works with his OWs. But I still can't bring myself to go to his new office building simply because one of them visited him there once. If your H continues to work with the OW, I don't know how you'll ever build trust and get past the triggers -- some wives certainly have, but they are far stronger than me.
As for your concern about him "getting" to build resentment towards you... Nope. He doesn't "get" to do that. He might do it anyhow -- but that would be unfair and outrageous.
So before you assume he will resent you, talk to him. He may actually want to quit, but may think it would be unfair to you because of finances -- my H felt like financial security was the only thing he was worthy of offering me and/or that I would be willing to accept after his betrayal. The coming months will be -- should be -- real soul-searching times for the both of you. You'll both have to examine your needs, wants, values. Your answers will tell you a lot about yourselves and each other -- as you are NOW in this crisis, not as you were or thought you were before his betrayal. Depending, you may soon be on your own financially anyhow -- you should prepare for that.
It sucks girl. Hang in there. You will get through this! Hugs.
Jen,
DeleteSorry you don't have the privilege of following through on your feelings to stay in bed and wallow in it all.
-only do what you absolutely HAVE to do, let the rest go
-feel free to answer questions with a non-answer (believe me, most of us here have perfected that by now!)
-don't be ashamed of red eyes. I read that buried somewhere in this blog and have told myself that many times. You don't always have time or skill to make them disappear, so what! No one but my daughter ever asked about them and you never know, you might be giving someone else courage to face the world when they are in pain.
I feel so bad for you and your situation right now! So much work pressure added to your emotionally exhausted mind. It sounds like you and h have already taken some steps in the right direction. Good for you!
We are here for you, keep us updated as you feel the need to. These women have heaps of love, compassion, and wisdom for you.
Take care of you. You will get through this. You will find that you are stronger then you thought.
Jen, you have made so much progress already! I asked my attourney to draw up a prenup also but they said in my state it wouldn't likely hold up in court, we are a no-fault community property state. Sickens me that if we divorce reformed CH gets 1/2 of what I earned while he spent many years voluntarily unemployed (not a SAHD). As far as humor, if you haven't already check out the "Stupid S#*t Cheaters Say" tabs if you haven't already - you will cry laughing and that alone is good therapy!
DeleteMy Dday was November 17, 2016. It has been 7 months yet there are days I feel like it was yesterday. I am still adjusting to my new reality. My H and I had been arguing that day. He had gone out to celebrate a friend's bday. I was home, upset and watching TV. I had felt something had been wrong between him and I for a while but didn't want to accept it. I signed up for online counseling sessions and as soon as I finished, a text came thru. It was the OW telling me that my husband had been cheating on me for the past year. I felt my heart drop. My stomach tighten up and I could feel myself shaking. She stated that she was sorry for her part but that she couldn't deal with the bad karma anymore. She knew my husband was married but that she was going thru her own things. They met up 2-3 times a week for either lunch, happy hour or at her place. I was going to find proof in is credit card statement for hotel charges prior to her getting an apartment and for the numerous happy hours. She had slept with my husband over a 100 times and she thought he cared about her. He never told her why he cheated and never spoke of me. He also told her he could never love her. I requested more proof but that she had deleted them all. She only had a couple of pictures they took at sports events they went together. She sent me a text from that night where she tells him to go screw himself and that he never cared about her and never wanted to be her friend. She wished him good luck with his wife and he responded for her to do whatever she wanted. She was not going to blackmail him. I felt lost. I couldn't sleep or cry. I forwarded him all her texts. He called me upset and calling her a B, and how she was pyscho. That he would never do that specially with someone like her. He continued to deny for 3 weeks until finally I got into his private email and printed the emails from her to him. He finally confessed. He made a mistake but she exaggerated everything. The affair had been over months ago but she continued to call him and asking to meet up and he was afraid that she would tell me something or create issues with his job. All I could do was cry. I knew I loved him. I knew he was a good father. He wasn't the perfect husband but then again who is? I tried to understand where we went wrong. He never blamed me. He took full responsibility and still does. His actions are on him. His actions aren't my fault. I am responsible for the conditions in my marriage that lead to it though. I too made mistakes and was too proud too admit them. My H hates arguing/conflict so I thought that by saying nothing we were avoiding problems. The hard part is separating the good person from the mistake. He tells me that is the worst mistake of his life. Hurting the person he loves most in this world was the worst thing he could have done and he still paying for it. I can tell he is hurting too. Recovery has been a challenge. I decided it was time to stop with the questions that will never have a right answer. It will never make sense or make it right. I know what he needed at that time and that is what she was capitalizing on. She gave him the attention I wasn't. She made him feel important. Some how along the way, I took him for granted. We both did. How I wish I could turn back time and change that. 7 months later, I still struggle but I tell myself every time she pops into my head...she is NOT important. What did she really have? Nothing! She only had hidden moments which most of them were at a bar drunk. Yes, it hurts like hell but I had the best of him and still do. She was ugly, pitiful and vindictive. I have 10+ years of happy memories, and someone like her is not worth losing them over.
ReplyDeleteMerced - Reading this gave me shivers as if I would have written it myself. Your story is identical to mine. Husbands reason for cheating, the hurt that caused him when he did so..I am almost at 3 months from DDay and H is still doing everything right. He's sorry everyday and he is my support group. He has also said so many times how it kills him that he hurt the one he loves so deeply - me. Tells me everyday it will never happen again and i want to beleive him, i am trying so hard to especially knowing if i do believe him it will heal me also. I love him so much and I am hopeful.I have forgiven him and I have also taken my role/blame on what went wrong that led to his betrayal and that has helped me. I sure hope everything is well today for you both and your marriage is continuing to heal. I am reminding myself the same thing as you did regarding the OW. My husband would tell me it was all fake happiness it was ME he wanted and he was weak. He takes 100% responsibility and is very remorseful. Now 3 months later, he has ME and all he ever needed and wanted. We are doing a lot better then last month. Everyday is better. Still struggling with the details but I'm working on them. I'm feeling positive. Thank you again for opening your story. It has helped me and others I'm sure. Sure hope to hear from you!
DeleteXoxoxo
Hello everyone
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. It really helps to read all these stories. I am not even sure if I am posting on the right place, but if anyone has any advice at all, please share it with me.
I have been married for 4 years. About 6 months ago,I found some texts between my husband and another woman like 15 years older than him, with different sexual pictures form the internet.
When I confronted him, at first he said it was nothing and then he did admitted to be talking to her in an inappropriate way. He said they did not have sex but based on the sexual nature of the texts, I am almost positive he did.
I decided to give him a second chance, and he has done a lot to improve himself since then, I do not think he has done anything since that moment.
However, 1 week ago, I found a folder with pictures of different women. One was taking a picture of herself naked and she was in a room somewhere in front of a mirror. In the second picture, there was another woman this time older, taking a picture of herself naked in the same room. There were also pictures of a woman in a beach just looking far. and.. there were pictures that he took of coworkers cleavages, or butts while being in the office.
I am not sure if they were aware or not that he was taking these pictures....
The dates from all these pictures ranged from about 2 years ago, when we were already married to me.
When I confronted him again, he said , these women were passed girl friends. About the co workers, he said, he wanted to show his friend, who was he working with.....
I do not believe any of that.... when you take a picture, the date on the picture of from the date you take the picture.. and what is he doing taking pictures of co workers cleavages?
He denies a 100% He says the woman in the mirrors are from before he met me.
In the case, why did he not deleted those pictures? Why having a file to save all those pictures from different woman? Why even having a file? Is he trying to keep record?
I really do not want to go through a divorce and he has good qualities as a husband.... but.... if i let this go, it would be like telling him, i know you are lying to me, and I still forgive you....
Please, anyone who has any advice I will truly appreciate it.
Thank you ahead of time for taking the time to read my concern.
Hi Unknown July 23,
DeleteFirst, I am sorry you have been hurt by your H. I am glad you found this site.
I am 8 mos from my Dday. My H had an undiagnosed porn addiction and that was his gateway drug to the A's. In MC I learned he was exposed to porn at a VERY young age - that was so damaging. My H had very large files on his work laptop downloaded from porn sites. And 1 file (non-sexual) of his ex-gf (they were fully clothed pics with her family, kid, husband, etc., but why have any file at all?).
Anyway, if your H took unauthorized voyeuristic pics of women that is a potential crime. At the very least he could loose his job for it. My advice: I would INSIST that your H go to MC with you (to see if you can save your marriage and to get full disclosure) and he also needs to go to IC alone to figure out why he is into this risky, unhealthy (and potentially criminal) behavior.
Search around this site, there is so much good advice. Put yourself first.
My husband has been having emotional affairs for almost three years. I don't believe it has been physical with any of the women but I have read that women find it harder to cope with emotional affairs vs. physical. I confronted the first woman, twice, and it finally stopped after the second confrontation. Then things seemed to be improving, and I started to trust him again, but the he started intimate texting with another woman. I confronted her over lunch and it stopped. But it started up again, and has now been going on for 15 months or so. Everytime I get angry at my husband because of his secretive communication with her, he denies, denies, denies. I have proof that he bought her something for her birthday, that he met her for coffee, but he denies it all. I honestly don't believe it has been anything physical, but their closeness EATS AWAY AT ME EVERY SINGLE DAY, ALMOST HOURLY! I feel like the odd one out. And I know about all this by sneaking on his phone (I know his passcode) when he isn't looking. He thinks I have hacked into his computer! I saw him search many messages to do with 'love' in his safari image searches over a number of months, for example. I am between a rock and a hard place because I don't want him to know that I have been sneaking on his phone .........so I can't show him the conclusive proof that I have that WHAT HE IS DOING IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE, and that I have conclusive proof that he is in love with her. I don't know how much longer I can live like this, knowing his is sharing his heart with another woman when he should have been working on our marriage!!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
Deleteyou can't continue to simply run interference between him and the women he's cheating with. It's exhausting, humiliating and unproductive. I would insist on therapy. He needs to understand the impact these emotional affairs (and they are affairs) is having on his marriage. If he's having conversations with women that he wouldn't be having if you were right beside him, then he shouldn't be having them. But he's obviously getting something out of them -- excitement, ego boost, escape? Whatever it is, it needs addressing. And a therapist can help you do that. If he won't go, I hope you'll go alone to find the tools to address this or figure out whether you want to leave. Nobody deserves to be in a marriage of lying and deception.
Anonymous, do not just let this go. Insist on MC. H is hurting you. H is hurting your marriage. He is breaking his vows. Don't be afraid to say you have proof. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. His property is your property, you are married. He needs to give you all his passwords and free range to look at any device, email, text, etc. You are instinctive and you can do this. There is no room for a 3rd person in a marriage emotionally, physically or otherwise. My H had several EA's, 2 were very short lived (days/weeks) because I caught him and confronted him and the worst one was intermittent over the course of several years and included a brief PA that unfortunately I didn't discover until many years after it was over. These things don't just go away. You have to address it. We will help you be strong!
DeleteHi all, I'm going to post as MomStrong. This is Part One.
ReplyDeleteLadies, you brought me through the most difficult year of my life. I've wanted to post, but it took me this long to get to the place where I could share it. This has turned into a novel, and I apologize. The gist of the situation is in the first few paragraphs, the details follow below.
My husband and I met in college. We dated for seven years, two of them long distance. This month we celebrated our six-year marriage anniversary and the one-year birthday of our son.
My husband began his affair when our son was three weeks old (the week he returned to work after taking time off for paternity leave). I discovered the affair when my son was three months old. She worked with him, is married, and has two young children (which is appalling!!!! Actually, it is all appalling.)
The details.
Our son was born a month early. We spent a week in the NICU. Hubby took good care of us. I went straight to the hospital where my son had been transferred as soon as I was discharged, 20 hours after I gave birth. I didn't leave the hospital until the baby came home with us. My husband spent time at home to care for our dog and came to the hospital during the days.
We were discharged from the Special Care Unit on the condition that we get our son to drink 60ml every three hours, even if we had to wake him. Because they wanted to know how much he was eating, I used a breast pump and fed him with a bottle (he subsequently got used to not having to work /suck much for food and never learned to nurse). My husband and I got up together every three hours to feed our son; I'd pump, he'd feed the baby.
I have no family in the area. My Mom always planned to be nearer to me when I eventually had kids, but she was fighting a three year battle with cancer. She passed a few months ago.
I was isolated, overwhelmed, and couldn't understand the changes in my husband. He didn't seem like himself. I kept checking in with him, asking if he felt left out because of the time I had to spend with the baby. I was concerned about post-birth depression on his end; it's frequently expressed as resentment and anger about/toward the baby. My husband shrugged my concerns off, but I kept trying to talk about how he was feeling, what he needed, etc. He just seemed different.
When he was getting ready to return to work, I moved into the nursery to sleep and to care for the baby at night so that hubby could get enough sleep to work. He had been so caring and present in the hospital and the first few days at home, but as he got closer to the end of his paternity leave, he seemed distant.
My husband had met his affair partner at work midway through my pregnancy. They'd met at a training and had struck up a friendship. I was glad that he had a friend at work. He talked about her for a while, shared stories about her, her two young children, her husband, etc. She knew I was pregnant with our first child.
When he returned to work, his coworker had decorated his cubicle and had purchased many baby gifts. She said it was because she liked babies. I was so happy that someone had gone to the effort to welcome him back; I was grateful he had a good friend.
I'm still not clear on all the details, but soon after he got back to work she told him she found him attractive. When he initially backed away, she explained that she'd been recovering from surgery and had been under the influence of the anesthesia when she'd told him.
She was persistent.
MomStrong, Part Two:
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I was exhausted. I had to pump every three hours, and it took about 45 minutes to get enough, not including the time it took to clean pump parts and bottles. The only baby-free time I got was after my husband got home from work; he'd put the baby in his lap and play computer games to "unwind," (sext with his coworker). When he had the baby, I slept (I have narcolepsy. I don't randomly fall asleep, but I awake each morning feeling like I've already been awake 24 hours. I also have sleep apnea, but I was so worried about SIDS that I didn't wear my CPAP.) My baby-free sleep time would inevitably end after about two hours, when my husband would burst through the door, furious because the baby wasn't behaving, was crying for no reason (and was distracting him from his games and sexting).
I'd take the baby, leave to settle both of us in the nursery, and let my husband go to "sleep" in our bed (where he closed the door and continued to talk to, email, and sext the coworker).
On a Tuesday, my husband sent me an email about how his work friend volunteered each Saturday (walking trails in a park and offering help and directions to folks along the trail) and how he admired that. He was thinking of doing the same and going along with her on Saturdays to see if the volunteering opportunity might work for him, too. When he got home from work that day, I expressed concern that he'd choose to volunteer and add more to his commitments (when I desperately needed his help) and he acknowledged that now probably wasn't the best time. However, because I was leaving that Thursday to visit my parents hours away, I suggested that he could try it that Saturday to see if he liked it.
That Thursday, when I drove myself and our baby to visit my family, my husband bought condoms and he and the OW made plans to get together. They "worked from home" in our house on a Friday, the following Monday, and the next Wednesday at her house. Each time, they slept together. He gave her a tour of our house. She saw the pictures of us and our baby on the walls. She was in my baby's nursery. They had sex in our bed, surrounded by our things, cards my husband gave me, my pillow, our bed!! When they went to her house, they did the same. Then her family left on vacation and didn't get home until after I had returned home; no more opportunities for sex.
When I got home, a neighbor mentioned that he'd seen a blue car in our driveway during the day. I knew my husband had had a guy friend over on the weekend to play games, and assumed it'd been him. But his car was black.
That night I asked my hubby what kind of car his work friend drove. He responded that he wasn't sure, some kind of Toyota. I asked if it was blue. He didn't really respond.
Later that night he woke me up and explained that he realized someone must have seen his work friend's car in our driveway, and that he and his friend had worked from home a few times, but that hadn't told me because he thought I'd get jealous. !!!!!
I told him that he wasn't acting like himself, that he didn't ever lie, and that I thought he might be headed toward an emotional affair. He vehemently denied it.
The next morning I found an email between them that suggested an affair. There were no other emails, texts, or anything. So, I did a deeper search and managed to find four emails that he hadn't deleted correctly and so came up when I searched specific words.
They were graphic and disgusting. They took the air from my lungs and punched me in the gut. You all know this feeling. Your world shifts, everything changes, the past, present, and the future you imagined are all irrevocably changed.
MomStrong Part Three:
ReplyDeleteI didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave. I thought about the baby. I thought about my husband. He was a good man, I had to believe that or the past 13 years had been a lie. He had acted drastically different even before the affair. I thought maybe the depression had been effecting him. I knew that if he succeeded in destroying the family... if i chose to leave, he would sink deeper into depression. I chose to fight. I booked a couples therapy appointment with the first person who had an opening for the next day.
As I was trying to get my head straight, my husband sent me a text saying his work friend was working from home and had invited him to work there that afternoon and look at her vacation pictures.
I responded that I was feeling extremely nauseated and he needed to come home immediately.
When he got home, I asked him to just be honest about his affair. (At this point his work friend texted him to say she "hoped everyone was feeling better :)). I wanted to kill her.
He gaslit and denied it until I said I'd found emails.
He went silent and stared into space for about 20 minutes.
I told him that we had a therapy appointment for the next day and if he didn't go we were through.
I told him to never see her again. He said she was his friend and he couldn't desert her. He was furious I'd suggested it.
He met her face to face at work the next day and they had a beautifully melodramatic meeting. At therapy I asked why he'd had to meet her face to face and he'd said he needed to check up on her because a distant relative of hers was fighting cancer. This is one thing that stings even now - my own mom was fighting cancer at that time.
I don't know how I survived the next few weeks.
He was miserable that he'd deserted his friend, who "relied" on him, whose husband didn't understand her or support her with the children, who'd had such a tragic childhood, whose husband owned firearms ("You wouldn't put our family in danger by telling him, would you?")... he didn't mourn what he'd done to me or the baby even once.
He begged me not to tell anyone. He knew I'd already told my sister when I'd first learned (she is my support network) and my brother-in-law. We four were great friends. I didn't tell his family, not his mom, who I saw relatively frequently, not our shared friends... this forum was where I felt like I was not alone.
The therapist supported me and insisted he cut ties with her. He did. When she reached out through text, he didn't respond.
After a week or so, he came to show me something he'd found online: a forum and information about post-birth/postpartum depression in men. He said he'd found it while searching depression and that as he read it, he realized it matched exactly with what he'd been feeling. Granted, I'd sent this same page and information to him months ago, but he'd shrugged it off. He had to find it for himself, I guess.
Here's one thing that was a blessing: he'd recently changed psychiatrists to shorten the drive for appointments. His new doctor specialized in post-partum/post birth depression for men. He'd had an appointment already scheduled for the following week, and he decided he'd talk to her about it.
MomStrong Part Four: He began taking an additional antidepressant. Within a few weeks he had returned to himself. He was absolutely shocked and appalled at what he'd done. He owned his mistakes. Since then he's applied himself completely to earning my trust. He's an amazing father and our son loves him.
ReplyDeleteBut it still crushes me. I swallowed much of my anger because he was in such a fragile state. We just went through my sons first birthday. Rather than joyful, I felt numb. Our anniversary? Resentful. We never used to do much for it, but this year I wanted to mark it. It went unmarked. I had to tell him that he needed to do something for it, and when he realized that I wanted to acknowledge it, he got flowers and wrote a card with everything I needed to hear.
I don't even want to kiss him. We've been intimate many times since the affair, but I don't want anything right now. I'm still hurt and furious and sometimes wish I'd left so that I'd see whether he'd have dragged himself up to fight for us.
She got off scot free.
How do you rebuild the warmth and glow of love again? How do you move forward? I almost feel like I should be over it by now... I got my husband back, he wants to make our family work, he is trying his best. I feel like he's doing what he can. My situation is so much better than it could be. Is it right, okay, to still be angry and resentful?
How did you all let go of the anger toward the other woman? I know living my best life is what's important, and I know she's stuck being herself, but I still want to confront her. At least punch her. Or egg her house. :)
Thank you for letting me share. You all got me through this as far as I've gotten.
MomStrong,
DeleteGosh -- I felt like you were sitting right here beside me telling your story. So powerful.
Regarding your question about getting rid of anger towards the OW... This is something I still sometimes struggle with at over 2 years. I am glad to say that it has diminished greatly -- and it will for you too -- but still occasionally shocks me with intensity, seemingly out of the blue.
There has been so much written here about this struggle, and I think responses can be very different based on the particulars of who, how long, how we found out, how it ended, etc.
One thing that has truly given me comfort is included in one of Elle's posts (a year-ish ago?), an essay on modern beatitudes, by pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber. "Blessed are those who still aren't over it yet." Reading that really helped to relieve a lot of the shame and pressure I had been putting on myself to be over the anger and the OWs. I highly recommend that you search this blog for that post, and also read the full essay in Bolz-Weber's book, Accidental Saints. (I am Catholic, but I think the essay would be meaningful even if you are of a different faith.)
Hope this helps! Hugs!
Dear MomStrong,
DeleteThanks for sharing your story. Wow, you have really been through a nightmare! It sounds like you found strength and dignity within you to survive something so shocking and painful. I could add a few uncomplimentary comments about your h's behavior but it does sound like he is attempting to win you back. I'm sorry I can't give you advice on how to get the warm fuzzy feeling of love back.I'm over two years out and don't have it yet. I now know the truth of what h is capable of and it still hurts. I am not given many assurances that it's not going to be part of my future and h prefers the path of 'past is the past'. Others write of h that give daily promises of faithfulness and words of sorrow of past actions. It seems like that would help to move forward and feel warmth toward your h. I have discovered a friend in myself through all this though. I am enjoying a new life of self appreciation and self respect that I lacked before.
Hang in there and keep us updated as you feel to. Don't be hard on yourself for not rushing forward to 'get things back to normal'. Allow yourself all the time you need to process all that's happened. I still make a daily decision to stick around, reserving the right to change my mind anytime in the future if I need to.
You sound like a very resilient woman and great mother. Hugs!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it feel better, takes a lot of time and work on ourselves, exhausting! I will share one thing, I egged the OW's house. Reasoning: I was left with a big mess to clean up with our kids and myself, felt like she needed a mess. It may have been wrong, but it felt really good
DeleteThanks, ladies, for your responses. I feel very lonely and isolated, and your messages really helped. Sal, I'll look up that book. Truth, I appreciate your kind words; I'm trying to see myself as strong, but sometimes I just feel like I'm failing at everything. Sosad&broken, I totally feel you on egging the house! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get away with it, though!
DeleteYou all are role models and give me hope. Thank you.
Last year on October 16th 2016, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. I found out by my phone bill, and with a call that the secretary from his job answered.
ReplyDeleteBy some strange chance his email had his text messages mixed in them. (Got to love apple) I found out they had a highly sexual relationship.
Husband of the year tried to do everything to prove to me that he's 'changed'. He didn't speak to her anymore. She didn't work there anymore because when I initially found out, I told the boss. I still didn't trust him. I found out, he was speaking with her till Nov 7th. He lied and told me they were just talking (yeah right) But that its done, he ended it. So, I had a conversation with her. She tried to act busy and told me, "I'll let you know what we're dealing with." I found that funny. Then she went on about she's 37 years old trying to down talk me because i'm 29 (including my husband). That she's too old to be doing this. A big wtf moment. Told her to not call anymore.
In December, I did a very immature thing. I sent her a christmas gift with condoms, my husbands dirty boxers, and cheap cookies (her vagina nickname)
Then when we went to Reno for New Years 2017 (a trip he wanted for us to be alone) I found out when he passed out that he had a strange phone. It was Sprint, we had AT&T. He was still having an affair with the secretary! I even seen his secret snapchat. She wrote him "I can make you feel better." Happy New Year, right?
He tried to lie his way out of it. I wanted to go and didn't care if it was 2am. As we drove I destroyed his brand new 2017 Chevy from the inside. He tried to walk off in snow to disappear because now he felt depressed. Now? really? Perhaps the walls were closing in on him.
We go home, and I was ready to get the secretary to talk with my husband. My husband was willing to step up. But the secretary weaseled out of it. She sent me a message acting like she would meet up with me. As a mother she was begging me. Also something about me winning. Why the hell do I care about winning? This was not a competition.
Her husband needed to know. Especially when my husband told me that she was begging my husband to leave me. So I told her husband that they were still going at it.
Few days later, do you recall the "present?" Well, it came to bite me in the butt. She tried to put a restraining order on me. My husband was furious, but he knew why she did it. She wrote so much lies on that thing. Apparently I'm a computer genius. Even though, I know my husbands passwords because I made them! So I had to go lawyer up. My husband and I were standing waiting for our case. Then she comes walking up giving me the stare down. She wasn't expecting to see my husband next to me. She looked so ugly compared to me. My husband started making fun of her shoes. I replied, " you were the one who picked her." Stupid! The lawyer reached a deal. We made a deal on paper that both my husband and I stay away from her. Like we wanted to be near her after all this. She only added my husband this time because she was angry he was there.
I feel like I have PTSD with him. My sex life is ruined. He wants me, but I have a hard time wanting him. I keep thinking of the pictures and videos. The imessages that I've seen. I'm losing my mind! I know this sounds stupid, but I wanted to normal family. He ruined all of that. Normalcy is dead. My vision of him is dead.
Sorry so long. Thanks for reading. I do need help! :(
I'm so sorry you've had to experience all this, you're not alone and you're not crazy. I'm 2 years out dday 1 & 2, and 1 year out of dday 3 (all the same OW). Dday 3 was discovery of continued affair all while in a year of marriage counseling. The lies oh the lies from 2013-2016! Small town, everyone knows and I have to run into her at store etc..... I too did crazy, I egged her house one night, figured she deserved to clean up a mess since I had a big mess!!! All of A happened during work hours, two different offices, and trips. Stopped MC last January, went in circles until we both needed more IC I felt. Still together, I'm still on fence, he needs to step up more, so I'll see, this time it's my choice!!! I know the roller coaster your riding, and I/we have some good weeks. It gets easier, only because I'm working on me!! You have to get counseling and figure out who you are now. I'm not the same, never will be, I'm stronger, but not as enthusiastic about life. Be well!!
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm glad you found us. And I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The thing with betrayal is that it's not over just because he's not seeing her anymore. Of course, you're traumatized. It's excruciating. And of course, your sex life is affected. It takes a long time (and therapy really really helps!!) to move past. And it also takes a husband who is genuinely sorry for what he did and is willing to do the hard work of figuring out why he lied and cheated to the one person who actually matters to him.
I would urge both of you to go to a couples counsellor who can begin to help you sort through this deep deep wound. And please keep reading here. You'll find a whole lot of women who've been through the pain and are healing.
Our 2 IC counselors are in same office as the MC counselor. MC counselor wont see us now, he lied to her in individual sessions back that whole year. Our 2 counselors want the four of us to meet so he'll feel comfortable explaining the why and type of affair. Of course this is taking months to schedule and I'm frustrated, I hear that he is really messed up, more than I ever knew, and told I should be patient. I've been so patient and oh yes ladies, get tested, I got an STD on top of all the other baggage. It's a struggle. I'm not "open" to his love I hear, but that's a whole lot of BS I heard from 2013 til 2016, so I don't know what to believe any more. He's definitely a kinder man and different than before, but it's all been trickle truth and gaps I had to find out. The things I've asked for, such as a new anniversary date since he screwed her on ours, etc... nothing. I don't even know why he chose me, hasn't told me that either other than how much he loves me. Not enough. He's never shed a tear and withdraws if anything about affair is brought up. Has apologized but also says the "I already said that just get past it, I'm frustrated ". Words that kill the few good ones. Wants to sweep under carpet. He does go to his therapist every week, so that is the only real sign he wants to fix himself, but have no idea what they talk about. I'm so frustrated that I battle resentment now.
DeleteDear all,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Gemma and I' 24 years old girl from Barcelona (apologies if my English is not good but it is not my first language) I have been with my couple for 5 years now and we have been living together the last 3. Since a time ago, maybe more than a year, we have not been well, we both new it, I satred my job as a lawyer and I spend a lot of hours working, I don't feel the same desire as I had at the begining of the relationship (when we use to have sex almost every time we see esch other) and he feel rejected and unloved. Some weeks ago we had a fight and we both talk about our feelings, we both decide that we would try it and we went on a road trip on holidays. The first week we visit my grandmum and although we were not alone we had our moments and it was fine. Then we plan to visit some places alone. The first day and night were great, actually I feel that thinks were going in the good way but the second day he start acting strange, not speaking a lot and acting distance. That night I feel sick and I went to bed earlier. The next morning I found her mobile phone in the bathroom and I look at it. I find out that he had been awake until late that night speaking with some female girl of her and that he told him he was not sure to termiante the relationship after our trip. I confort him and he confess that he had kiss her once in a party some month ago and that they some times talk and he told them his feeling and they filter some times. At the begining I decide toterminate the relationship, we end that roadtrip that morning and we were coming back home by car. However, as the hour pass in the car, and we stop many times to cry and argue, he told me that he feel sorry and that he does not want to terminate but he new was to late.
My anger changes into sandnes and desesperation and I feel in a rollercoster of emtonions. One part of me told me that I had to terminated, he had betrayed me and I could not turst him again. I feel humillated and paranoic. Another part feel hardbroked with the idea of losing him. And the end I decide to give us some time. He will leave the apartment and we will let some weeks pass, to think both of us if we whant to continue or not.
Two days have past and he keeps telling me that he regrets what he did, he want to be with me and wants to fight for us and he will do what is necesary to gain again my trust. I'm still in an emotional rollercoster, I came from anger, paranoia, depresion and calm. Some of my relatives tell me that I will move on, that I'm a young succesfull women and that I will be fine. But in my heard I feel I still love him and want him in my side but I don't now if its the correct choise. If I forgive him, I will be able to overcome the jealousy and paranoia that invade me? Will he take me for granted and do it again? It is truly possible to overcome a betrayal and that the relationship works? Or I will always feel inferior because I have forgive him?
I just want to thank you for this blog, and let me express my feelings.
Many thanks.
Gemma, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But I'm glad you found us.
DeleteIf I was you, I would be tempted to walk away from this guy. You're young and unmarried and he has already revealed himself to be dishonest.
Yes, it will hurt. But so will staying in a relationship with someone who cheats.
If you stay with him, however, please PLEASE go to a couples counsellor so you two can learn how to communicate with each other and how to express your needs to each other in a healthy way. Relationships evolve over time so it's not realistic to expect it to always be exciting and romantic. But that doesn't mean he can find someone else. Relationships are hard work and you want to know that he's willing to do the hard work.
Whether you stay with him or leave, please make that choice from a place of strength. There's nothing "inferior" about forgiving someone when they've shown you that they deserve a second chance. Don't stay because you're afraid of being alone or missing him. Stay only if he has convinced you that he made a horrible mistake that he will learn from and when he has convinced you that he is willing to earn a second chance. Otherwise, walk away and don't look back. You'll be fine.
Gemma, I agree with Elle, if I were young and unmarried I would not remain in a relationship with a boyfriend who cheated. You are smart and I bet you are beautiful and there are a lot of guys who would be interested in you. What to do next is your decision, not his.
DeleteI guess she believed him when he said I would have to throw him out because he would never leave me because she manipulated her ex into calling me anonymously this summer. When that didn't work she started sending me emails with more details. She has been interfering in our relationship for over 20 years. He is an alcoholic who every time he needed an ego boost turned to her... she was always available and told him everything he wanted to hear. He was drunk most nights and verbally and emotionally abusive at times so I was not his biggest fan a lot of the time. It has only been physical a handful of times because she lives in a different state. They talked on the phone a lot .,.FaceTime. It has been off more than on (I think ) He was devastated when I found out and has had no contact despite her desperation to continue the relationship . .. 2 people have never been more compatible in the entire universe GAG. I shake violently after every email she sends. I have endless confrontations in my imagination. I cannot wait to get her out of my head My husband is sober now and focused on his family like never before I have been waiting and praying for this for so long and I can't enjoy it because I am heartbroken. For various reasons I haven't told a soul so I hope sharing my story will make me feel a little lighter.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you are living through! I'm glad your h is sober now! I know how hard it is to know what a cheating h is capable of and not capable of! I'm glad you found this blog! It's been a life saver for me on many occasions! Sharing my struggles really has been good for me and yes it also makes the burden of the truth easier to live with! Hugs!
I didn't know my husband cheated before we got married but he told me after and I decided to let it go because he had been faithful since . .. 3 mod later he called one of the girls he had been with before we were married when he went home for a family party and slept with her
ReplyDeleteHi ladies - I need your help wrapping my head around something. It's been a year since the affair and my husband is finally really digging in with a new IC. His last one didn't ask him to actually do any reflection/talking/therapy. My husband didn't think he'd "learn anything new" from a therapist but finally realized that it would help me feel like he wanted to work on our marriage if he honestly tried real therapy.
ReplyDeleteI've been in weekly IC since the affair. I share most of what we discuss with my husband. There's nothing I intentionally keep from him.
So he's going, and trying.
Here's my dilemma:
I'm very insecure about this. I'm worried he's going to realize he doesn't want to be with me, or say things to the therapist about me that, if I knew, I could work on. I guess I feel threatened by the secrecy of it. I never felt threatened before the affair because we didn't keep things from each other... until the affair.
Help! Do I just deal with feeling insecure? How did you guys handle MC and IC?
Momstrong. I'm so sorry you are having an understandably hard time. I totally understand your anxiety about what his next step will be. I struggled with that fear for 7 months post DD2 which was 12/1/16. This is what I did. My H drug his feet for 7.5 months about whether he was going to stay in the relationship. He was waiting for me to get over it even though he claimed to love me. During that time I was getting IC with the occasional CC when he felt the need to placate me. My H is a master manipulator and I allowed him to wear me down to the point of doubting my own self worth. Soon after DD2, I began to examine the core of my fears and insecurities, cause there are so many brought on by infidelity. I didn't know how I would survive without him. I was terrified that IC for him would make him realize that he didn't want me any more, and so on. I thought about worse case scenarios and the outcome was always my choice. Talk about realizing your own power at a time when we feel all, especially us, is lost. A lot of my insecurities were about him, what he thought of me, and the “what if’s.” I remembered a post Elle did about control and how we can only control ourselves. I relinquished my power to him because cause I trusted him, and I forgot all that I was/am capable of in doing so. I slowly gained my power back, along with self worth, self respect, and self love. A little over 2 months ago, I had a powerful moment of clarity and let go of all hope that we would reconcile and it freed me of the bondage of fear, insecurity, and the what if’s. While he says he is committed to our partnership, he is still figuring things out. He is going to IC but he was unwilling to educated himself in how to help me heal until this past weekend when I called him out, yet again, on his bullshit. Boundaries. They are brilliant. What it boils down to for me is this, as sad as it is that we find ourselves shattered by betrayal, I have found myself again and I know what I want and don’t want. I am no longer afraid to be without him. I no longer consider myself “short changed” if he chooses to leave, I’ll help pack his bags. I know without a doubt that I will survive and get through this fuckery because I looked at the possible outcomes and they aren’t so bad. WE, all of us here on this blog, are worthy of a beautiful, happy and peaceful life and we don't have to depend on someone else making it that way. It's up to us to create our world with our new found knowledge and strength. They can either enhance our radiance or not be part of it. The choice is up to us how long we want to wait for them to join us. Many comforting hugs to you…♥
DeleteEvery ending is a new beginning, we just don't know that at the time.
Olive Mee, thank you for sharing your thoughts on survival. I cycle between having similar thoughts to yours about knowing life without him will be OK and feeling good about that knowledge and then having an emotional day or two when I get sucked into the pain of his choices and my sense that I wasted 35 years with this man.
DeleteMomStrong,
ReplyDeleteYou posted above exactly 1 year after I confronted my husband that I knew he was cheating, so we are close to the same timeline. His affair was already over and he said he would do anything to save our marriage. We started MC right away and our therapist has been great. I also have an IC that I see weekly, mostly for someone else to talk to, since we have not told anyone. He did not see the need for IC for himself until recently. I think when he told me he could suppress his desires for "bad behavior" and I told him that wasn't good enough...the desire for change needed to come from inside, not just what I or the MC told him to do. He saw our MC privately a few times and then he (MC) referred him to someone else. He has been going for a couple of months. I had exactly the same fears that you expressed...that it would be another secret relationship, that he would find out he didn't want to be married to me. I told him my fears and he reassured me that he is doing IC because he wants me to stay with him. He has asked for privacy until he figures himself out and i have respected that. I find that if I don't ask, he actually ends up volunteering quite a lot. But i guess I also do not tell him everything I discuss with my IC. One thing you should not worry about is that he will say something about you that you could work on. This is about him figuring out his own shit. This has nothing to do with you. His affair was not your fault and nothing you do or don't do will change him.
Thank you, DD.
DeleteI recently found out my husband was having an affair with a coworker. Was 2 weeks long of inappropriate conversations and texts and some groping in passing. Married 15 years and 2 kids. He had her text me from his phone saying he was done when I had asked he come home instead of drink beer after work because the baby was sick. Took 5 days to get the whole story out. We are going to councilling but I don't know how to get over the hurt! The first night he told he he loved me but not as much as he used to and he really liked her. Refused to cut contact but then did delete her off his fb and phone. Told me in front of the kids "what if I pick her?"
ReplyDeleteSince then he has told her they will not speak unless it's to do with work. I have confronted her as well which she of course says she's innocent. But was sure to tell me he's a good looking guy. Then she wanted to be my friend! Asking me to come for drinks and to the movies because we must be alike as they usually go for a woman like their wife! I declined this invite.
My husband now says he was depressed and I as well got the line I thought u didn't love me anymore. He says he can't stand her because he now realizes what he could have lost.
However I can't stand they still work together! He has been looking for a new job but nothing's come up yet. I feel like an emotional roller coaster! How long will this ride last?
Love hurts
DeleteI'm so sorry you had to find this club but I can tell you that you are one of so many that feels like you! The ride lasts for each of us whatever amount of time it takes. It's as different for every couple and depends on how hard you both work to work through this! If he's still working with the ow, I'm sure it'll be very difficult to restore trust. I'm still not using the word trust in regards to my h in all things but I trust that he wouldn't ever turn back to his cow. I'm working on 3 years post dday and sometimes I trigger and the pain is as bad as day 1!
My h is doing everything he knows how but he has a hard time dealing with my triggers because it usually triggers his shame and he shuts down. Each day we begin the day with the intention of making it better than the day before. Some days we are and some days we stumble back a little. But we're committed to working together to achieve a better us! It's a hard journey and it's totally up to you and your h to figure out what will work for your family! Sending hugs! It gets easier but it takes that four letter cuss word time...
Love hurts, I am glad you are going to MC. Stick with it. Think about going to IC for yourself as well. A few weeks after dday I hurt so bad I prayed for death. Take good care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Put yourself first. You will feel better gradually over time and with self-care. One of the shittiest things about being betrayed is how long it takes to heal. I am 11 mos out and I feel so much better than in the early weeks but I am certainly not 'healed'. Theresa is right it lasts a different length of time for each of us, it depends on the circumstances, how complicated the A(s) were, how much work the H is willing to put into it and how much we do self-care. It's good your H is looking for a new job. Getting rid of that trigger will help you progress. It took us many months to get rid of my H's affair car - I refused to ride in it after dday but just seeing it in the garage every day triggered me. The day we got rid of it there was one less thing impeding my healing.
DeleteHello Ladies,
ReplyDeleteI’m so thankful I’ve found this site.. I really need some advice. I’ve been married for almost 5 years (anniversary coming up soon), we don’t have any children. Up until last year, I was pretty confident in what we had and I didn’t suspect a thing. I didn’t notice any huge issues/red flags and I was actually pretty happy. All of a sudden I noticed a shift in his behaviour, he was too busy, started to become unaffectionate and just weird.. so I decided to do some snooping (out of character but I don’t regret it at all!). I found out that during our ENTIRE marriage he’s been flirting with many many other women.. I found lots of disgusting pictures, messages and conversations that seemed like he started a rekindled relationship with his ex girlfriend. I found out that he’s been keeping a bunch of these nudes in a private email and that his ex came over to the house a few times (found out through pictures)! This devastates me completely because over the years, I’ve become less close to my family because of him and made him the center of my entire universe! I feel so stupid and broken. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to and I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to look at him the same. When I confronted him, he said that he “came to his senses, stopped everything and tried to fix it all before I found out”. I feel sick to my stomach. He’s begging me to stay, I don’t want to throw it all away but how can I ever trust him again? I can’t even picture things going back to being okay..I can’t believe he was THAT good at hiding all this from me. I feel like I don’t know him anymore. He wants to try therapy, has provided access to all his emails, social media, phone etc but it’s not enough for me right now. It’s been a year since I found out and I still feel like it happened yesterday. Are we doomed?
Anonymous,
DeleteYou're not necessarily "doomed". But you get to decide whether you stay or go. However, given that it still feels so immediate to you, I wonder if you're experiencing, as many of us do, a sort of post-trauma response. Hypervigilance, a sense that the world isn't safe, triggers that lead to increased heart rate and blood pressure...
If you want to give this marriage a chance, then his idea of therapy is a good one. At the very least, you can create an amicable divorce. Given that he essentially led a secret life for your entire relationship, though, it sounds as if he should also be in individual therapy. His behaviour over that period of time had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his own issues. And that's something he needs to sort out on his own.
In the meantime, I would encourage you to also seek individual counselling -- a good therapist can help you process the pain and work through the post-trauma stuff. You can also get clear on why you altered your relationship with your family, why you allowed any one person to become "the center of your universe". In short, you can heal yourself from this, which will serve you well whether or not your marriage survives.
We get through this, Anonymous, even when most of can't imagine that we will. And you will too. Trust in that. Trust in your own strength.
Two years ago, I got on the computer to do something with my email. I don't remember what. It took me right to my husband's email. I found multiple membership type emails for dating and casual sex websites. I went through his email to find that he had been emailing women on Craiglist for sex and he was doing a lot of shady things financially. I printed out copies and called him and told him to come home. He said he let his "friend" use his email and while the financial stuff was his he wasn't doing any of the sex stuff.
ReplyDeleteFast forward two years later. We have the same conversations over and over. It's not be, someone hacked my email. I will stop doing this financial stuff. I'm not ashamed to say I spied on his browser history and when I could checked his phone. I know he has put up at least one ad for himself on Craigslist. Finally six months ago he finally he admitted to the sexting but he swears he wasn't ever physical. I told him he needs to be the one to come up with a plan to save our marriage because I have always been the one researching things for our fertility issues.
He has two phones and two email accounts. He is obsessive about getting the mail and keeping his cell phones with him. He has a separate bank account. His behavior is still just as secretive except now he wants to hold my hand in stores and he is willing to wear his wedding ring. He let me believe he had low T for many years so I've done all the housework for years. He is a very good liar. I am about ready to talk to him again.
Anonymous December 3, I think you need to expect access to EVERYTHING. And be clear on what the consequence is if you don't get it.
DeleteFirst time posting here. I’m 7 1/2 years post d-day #1 and 5 months post d-day #2. My story is long & complicated like many of yours. Not ready to share details but after my husband hit rock bottom he climbed himself out & has made drastic changes in his life for himself. #2 was a coworker of his & someone I considered one of my closest friends. I told others in our friend group who are my friends as well as his coworkers about their ‘relationship’. His family & our grown children know as well. I left him nowhere to hide. At the time, I asked nothing of him except to get out of my life. He made the changes on his own and has earned the chance to be forgiven.
ReplyDeleteI am asking for advice today. He still works with ow #2, though not closely at all anymore. The work Christmas party is coming up and I have always gone. I am going. She will likely be there though she shouldn’t. (Both my husband and #2 are heads of their departments so either absence will be noticed).
What do I say if I’m confronted by her? Do I say anything to her? How about my body language? Like others here, I’ve had the conversation in my head! I’ve seen her from a distance several times but have not had any contact at all. Again, she was a close friend of mine, or so I thought.
Any words of wisdom or advice are greatly appreciated!
-Gem
Hi Gem, Glad you found us and so glad you reached out for support. I was in a similar situation in that my husband's affair partner worked with him. I struggled with wondering how to handle an encounter. I had a good friend at my husband's work who was, literally, my wife whisperer. She told me she had my back, that she'd be watching for any altercation, and to go in there with my head held high because I had NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It was exactly what I needed.
DeleteSo I say the same thing to you. Do what you need to look and feel fabulous that night and then hold your head high. Perhaps practice a calm but firm response along the lines of "I have nothing to say to you" and then move away from her. You might be shaking but that's okay. You have courage and integrity that she knows nothing of.
I'll see if others weigh in with their thoughts too because I know plenty of us have struggled with this. I would also urge you to enlist your husband as an ally in this. To have your back as well. Figure out what you need from him -- right at your side all night, for instance? Or watching out for you? And then tell him. This is his change to, again, show you that he is on your side, no matter what.
My affair was the emotional and physical kind. I say mine but I mean his - I'm trying to understand/know everything so it isn’t "theirs" anymore. It is mine too. Sick? maybe I don't know. If I’m going to give my marriage a chance I don't want her to have anything special/secrete with him anymore. Nothing. If he took her dog to the vet I want to know. Every dinner he ate at her table I want to know. He had an affair where he shit on his own once happy family and shacked up with a whore while out of town for work. The shit throwing was reserved mostly for yours truly – you know the sarcastic joking, “I’m not really saying it, but you know what I mean” kind of comments. I was fat (just had a baby!!!) ugly ( yeah probably 3 hrs of sleep for 3 months does that to a person), couldn't cook, couldn't keep house, couldn't keep kids under control (I have 3 BABIES, on my own most of the time!!!) etc. etc. Our kids paid a bit of a price too – he was tired and his patients were very thin. His attitude when home got increasingly bad until I finally woke up - what was happening in my life?! For some reason – seriously unknown to me to this day I googled "signs of cheating". I remember thinking, why would I want to know this… he is stressed, we are moving to be together, his job is demanding, don’t be a crazy wife blah blah blah (insert more self-hate here). I never once thought it could be true. Not him, he was the nice guy. I made sure I married the nice guy. But folks we all know what happened next!!! The first link I clicked on, he had EVERY ONE. Every single sign of a cheater. And again on the next site, and the next and the next. He was having an affair, I had a 4, 2 and 7 month old. My life as I knew it, was over. Let the crazy twilight song begin.
ReplyDeleteSo now I know the details after 3 months of grueling trickle truthing after D-day. It’s been 7 months total now with only a few new pieces of info since he got the picture of what FULL DISCLOSURE meant to me. He cooked for her, brushed her car off, took out her trash, watched her kids kind of relationship. He slept in her bed with her, cuddled after and showered. He texted her from home and left early to be with her, while his own kids were crawling all over him to stay. He had another wife, two lives, she knew about me, but I didn't know about her... and he did this all while telling her he was never going to leave me and it was all temporary while there. It started as innocent flirting kind of friendship (I would have brushed this kind of shit away before – not now, not ever again). I trusted my man with every part of my soul. He eventually increased the flirting and contact with her until it became sexual. But then QUICKLY he became obsessed. It’s like he had to have her love him he did EVERYTHING for her to win her heart… and you know what? He probably loved her too, because when his time to move home for good came up he was green for a week and so depressed – tried to stop the move even or delay it. But then I found out. And BAM. She is gone out of his life. Like it didn’t happen. She was obviously angry. Despite what he had told her about not leaving me she clearly thought that he would run to her once I found out. She may or may not be pregnant right now too but I have my doubts about that now. I’ve tried not to live in that thought for more than a few seconds because then I want to jump off a bridge. I love kids and even though it sounds totally crazy to everyone I tell I wanted a big family… aka I’d have 4 more if I could. I had to beg for every one of my kids. SO I don’t live in that thought of HER being pregnant anymore. It’s not good. The last thing my kids need is a dead mom and a psychopathic father who can turn emotions on and off like light switch.
Continued...
ReplyDeleteShe is awful. Used this "relationship" to get over another affair she was having that had ended badly. One of her poor innocent children needed paternity texting to determine if the father was her boyfriends, or another affair partner who was married and has 4 children. Oh and then there is her own failed marriage because of her infidelity. My H knew all this (after the fact but it never stopped him). Even knew that she was texting her other affair partners wife… “Don’t let it ever come to that for my wife” he told her….COMMON!!! What kind of man does this? This is JUST crazy crazy crazy. Oh so she fell for the whole – I can’t leave my wife because of my kids – bullshit. WE JUST HAD A BABY. What do you think a whore in love will try to do then??? They didn’t use protection. NOT ONCE. You can’t make this shit up. He lost his mind. It’s totally nuts.
Then BOOM I find out shortly after their temporary living situation ends. And he walks away from her. He was done. They cuddled and slept together on her couch, had dates and he helped reno her house. SERIOUSLY. He was her boyfriend. I have PLEADED for him to leave me for her or anyone else I don’t care. I don't want to be the one to tear our 3 babies lives apart. He is SO remorseful. He can’t explain why, he can’t even see how he could have done it. He puts up with every swear, every name, everything I throw at him and he keeps coming back for more. This is the new me. I’m awful too. Throwing, hitting, crying, sulking, stalking, anti-depressant taking disaster. I’ve had 2 separations with him and divorce papers written. I’ve pushed and pushed and pushed him out the door and he keeps knocking and charming and loving and caring for me. I don’t understand. I don’t get it. Is he a psychopath? Am I crazy too? I love him. I never stopped… my feelings are not a switch. I cannot fall out of love with a man I have been married to for years and partner for 13. I hate him too obviously - he is a total prick. He bashed me to her and said all sort of “truths” about his feelings towards me. But he denies, says she is lying. Oh yeah of course she started texting me once she got the point it was really over. So much for their “love”. But note that he cannot say a single bad word about her to me. Other then the obvious, she is a whore. He did love her… now why can’t he just leave me with my kids and go back to his love.. the one he actually worked for.
I think he cannot be alone. I think that he sees my (old) character and knows he has (had) it good with me. I think he wants a wife like me but a hot whore on the side and he finally got it and loved it. I think he is a sex addict. I think he has aged wonderfully and I have aged horribly. I think this is one of many many affairs but he won’t tell me. I think I was once his pride and arm candy and now he wants to shut me in the closet. I think he will do it again too, more carefully, with the knowledge that he has now to trick me. I think my kids have no chance in life for stability or to be in a normal relationship because I’m depressed and he is a psycho. I think I have no true friends that won’t blab this crazy gossip to the world and it will shame all of us. I think no one really loves me but my kids, and they must, they are biologically driven to love me to survive. I don’t care I’ll take it. They are rock stars in my eyes and I’ll live just for them. But living for just my kids isn’t even healthy for them and I’ll still screw them up even more. So catch 22! I am forced to get better and stronger and figure all this CRAP out. For some reason I’m feeling strong (not even angry strong just strong) but know I’m just a bumbling idiot who can’t even spell blindsighted or blindsided one lovely person pointed out to me.
Anyone got any suggestions. – not on the blindsided thing… got that one figured out now.
Blindsided.
Blindsided, I'm devastated by your story and the incredible pain you're in. And here's what I want you to do. Forget about him right now. I want you to find yourself again. I think, after so many years of pregnancy and babies and trying to keep everything together while your husband is being critical and neglectful and disrespectful, that you're emotionally exhausted. Factor in infidelity, and I don't doubt that you feel wrecked by this.
DeleteAnd it sounds as though you don't have any support in your life and it's crucial that you do. So please please find a therapist who can begin to help you heal from this -- to figure out what you really want. I would tell your husband that he'd better do the same. Get a therapist and figure out why he risked his family for someone who he TOLD he wouldn't leave you for. That is messed up and he needs to understand it. If he won't seek help, then you're right -- he's telling you to expect more of this in the future.
But you focus on you. Get yourself back on solid ground, for yourself and for your kids.
I'm so glad I found this site. It's only been 5 months since D day, but I find myself struggling with random bursts of anger and many thoughts of what he did (usually late at night). I know it's still early, but I really felt I was making progress. We have been open and honest with each other about our feelings (mine being hurt, anger, frustration and being unable to fully trust) while his are feelings of shame, guilt, regret, etc. I want to move past this and not be stuck. He has made new accounts, blocked her on everything, has been going to counselling, gave me all his passwords, and has even went as far as deleting his online gaming accounts (how they met). I want to make this work because he has done everything I've asked with no arguments and is working so hard at changing. He has taken full responsibility and even recognized the root cause of his cheating (he has very low self esteem and self hatred to a point where he ruins the good things he has out of fear of abandonment). I have acknowledged my role in why he felt he needed to go elsewhere, and I'm tired of seeing him beat himself up over his mistakes. Most days I am fine, and we are doing a lot better than before the affair, but some days it seems like these feelings will never go away. I want to accept that things have changed and move on. Just hoping things get easier and hoping people have experienced what I'm going through. Its nice to not feel so alone.
ReplyDeleteMy husband sounds very similar. I am similar as well... we were doing good but im now 7 months and talking about divorce again. I juat can't seem to let his affair go. Like how could he do this to us???? It is also always at night I lash out... so I will not be much help to you.... HOWEVER I care. I feel your pain of being married to a self loathing person and please read all the very sensible very helpful info all the other women here write. I absolutely love it.
DeleteBlindsided
Anonymous,
DeleteFive months is still so raw. Even if you've come a long way (and I don't doubt you have), I think it takes a long time to fully digest what's actually happened. It's like a bomb goes on and even if you've cleaned up the worst of it, you're still going to find bits and pieces of detritus that trigger the old fear and hurt.
Are you in any sort of counselling? It can often provide a safe place to work through a lot of the emotions so that you're less likely to get set off. If you know it happens at night, is there anything you can do to ward it off? Create a nighttime ritual that lends itself to feeling safe? Is your partner in therapy so that he doesn't turn this into being about his feelings instead of about your feelings? It sounds as if there's lots of reason to be confident that you will rebuild a strong marriage but until BOTH partners feel healthy and whole, it's difficult.
Hi Elle,
DeleteWe are doing counselling separately right now to work through our own self-esteem issues. We are discussing couples counselling. Its been so difficult, but he's trying so hard. He never makes me feel bad for my outbursts, but I feel so guilty. I often think it would be easier to leave, but I do not want to. Its so difficult. I am a night owl and have anxiety, so I do have trouble sleeping. And no matter how hard I try to distract myself, my mind wanders back. He and I both have a lot of regrets. I knew he needed help but never pushed it - and he knew he was messed up but never expected to have an affair. I know it takes a long time to heal but I feel I cannot talk to anyone about it - they wouldn't understand. And before this, I told myself I would never forgive a cheater - but my gut feeling is that he is truly sorry, he is trying and that we can really work this out. I'm struggling and I don't want to be stuck in this rut.
Thank you. This website has truly been a blessing.
DD was 1 wk ago today. Married 16 years, 2 kids, 11 and 15.
ReplyDeleteI am so lucky to have friends to talk too. Whether they are trust worthy or not, I don't care. I am even talking about it with my dad. He can't talk to anyone cos he has so much shame. He even went to a different doctors surgery cos it could not walk in.
I just watched a ted talk on infidelity by Esther Perel. It was great and I just emailed him all the mining questions that she suggested. Like what did this fair mean to you, what did you express or experience with her that you can't do with me, what was it like for you when you came home, what is it about us that you value and are you pleased it is over.
My husband was having sex with his PC, gee that sounds funny now that I write it, when I was pregnant with our first child, working a job for 4 staff and planning our wedding. My midwife said not to worry, he will be too busy with you and the baby and he'll stop all that. So I didn't pay too much heed as I was so busy and stressed.
Well he wrote me some notes on his PC telling me all the times he sexted or google hangout ed and the circumstances around that time.
I'll have to re read it when he gets back cos after this TED talk, it will answer questions just by itself.
Two things I am most concerned about him and two about me.
One he hasn't broken it off with her. He just cut all ties, he says.
Second, he doesn't want to talk about the past he only wants to talk about the future. Both red flags to me.
Things Im disturbed about myself is Im indifferent to him. I couldn't care less. I have been taking care of him through his 18 month cancer journey whilst he has been furiously sexting form his hospital bed.
the other thing I am concerned about me is I can't let him touch me or be near me. I can't see how we can reconcile under these conditions.
I do believe that crisis can create opportunity and in this case it may be my opportunity to leave. I kicked him out yesterday for 4 days. He had to have his PC. I had a realisation this morning that his PC is a pacifier. He said he needed to work and watch videos.
His PC is with us every holiday and he is always working!!! He probably is some of the time but seriously who can't have a weekend or a holiday without a PC.
I homeschool my kids and he made me sell my investment property so now I have nothing of my own. Nothing is in my name. not car or house.
Part of me want s to make this marriage better than its ever been and part of me wants to just get out. I feel like I am leading a duel life now. Maybe I always have because I have been miserable in my marriage for a long time.
I have requested counselling, the answer we don't have money for that. I requested that he take me out on dates and the answer was no. We have been out 3 times in 16 years as a couple. OMG just writing that makes me think what kind of a marriage is this. No wonder he told the therapist that I was his rock!
Im not sure we can rebuild, it looks like a massive bomb has gone off for us and he is happy to read books and go to therapy himself, that's all good but if he doesn't want to revisit the past for me, i can't heal and I'll have to realise that he truly is very self centred.
DD was 1 wk ago today. Married 16 years, 2 kids, 11 and 15.
ReplyDeleteI am so lucky to have friends to talk too. Whether they are trust worthy or not, I don't care. I am even talking about it with my dad. He can't talk to anyone cos he has so much shame. He even went to a different doctors surgery cos it could not walk in.
I just watched a ted talk on infidelity by Esther Perel. It was great and I just emailed him all the mining questions that she suggested. Like what did this fair mean to you, what did you express or experience with her that you can't do with me, what was it like for you when you came home, what is it about us that you value and are you pleased it is over.
My husband was having sex with his PC, gee that sounds funny now that I write it, when I was pregnant with our first child, working a job for 4 staff and planning our wedding. My midwife said not to worry, he will be too busy with you and the baby and he'll stop all that. So I didn't pay too much heed as I was so busy and stressed.
Well he wrote me some notes on his PC telling me all the times he sexted or google hangout ed and the circumstances around that time.
I'll have to re read it when he gets back cos after this TED talk, it will answer questions just by itself.
Two things I am most concerned about him and two about me.
One he hasn't broken it off with her. He just cut all ties, he says.
Second, he doesn't want to talk about the past he only wants to talk about the future. Both red flags to me.
Things Im disturbed about myself is Im indifferent to him. I couldn't care less. I have been taking care of him through his 18 month cancer journey whilst he has been furiously sexting form his hospital bed.
the other thing I am concerned about me is I can't let him touch me or be near me. I can't see how we can reconcile under these conditions.
I do believe that crisis can create opportunity and in this case it may be my opportunity to leave. I kicked him out yesterday for 4 days. He had to have his PC. I had a realisation this morning that his PC is a pacifier. He said he needed to work and watch videos.
His PC is with us every holiday and he is always working!!! He probably is some of the time but seriously who can't have a weekend or a holiday without a PC.
I homeschool my kids and he made me sell my investment property so now I have nothing of my own. Nothing is in my name. not car or house.
Part of me want s to make this marriage better than its ever been and part of me wants to just get out. I feel like I am leading a duel life now. Maybe I always have because I have been miserable in my marriage for a long time.
I have requested counselling, the answer we don't have money for that. I requested that he take me out on dates and the answer was no. We have been out 3 times in 16 years as a couple. OMG just writing that makes me think what kind of a marriage is this. No wonder he told the therapist that I was his rock!
Im not sure we can rebuild, it looks like a massive bomb has gone off for us and he is happy to read books and go to therapy himself, that's all good but if he doesn't want to revisit the past for me, i can't heal and I'll have to realise that he truly is very self centred.
Suzanne,
DeleteI'm sorry I missed your post. And so sorry for what you're going through. I would start by seeing a lawyer right away. You need to get clear on what it would mean financially if you were to separate or divorce. And then you need to take a stand: Start with your finances. Why is someone who can't handle money handling your finances. That's a recipe for trouble. He's had years to figure this out and it isn't working. So you need to take that back. No questions.
And then I would insist that he seeking counselling for his internet addiction. If he won't stop or won't seek help, then he is telling you that your marriage is going to look like this going forward. If you don't want that, then it's time to leave. But if he does seek help, then you can decide whether to stay or go. There are 12-step groups for sexual addiction (which includes internet). But leave that with him. He either seeks help, or you're gone.
I don't see many shades of grey here. You seem miserable and have been miserable for years. He says he's not willing to do even small things (like dates). So...why are you there?
I need to add that my husband has controlled the finances most of our marriage. He meters out small amounts for the kids and I and he takes care of the big bills. He is terrible with money and wastes so much money each month. He won't let me look after the money. this will be a big issue if we divorce.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry you are here because I know just how bad that first week feels! Bless your heart! I was still crying one minute and throwing up my guts the next minute. I had no young children at home but yet I still had to hold our family together at the same time as I was fighting for my marriage. It’s a long hard journey and one week is just the first grain of sand in the vast desert. First you have to stop and just breathe. Just know that this is probably the first time in your life that you have to be the most selfish person in the world and believe that you are the most important person in the world. That’s what I have had to learn from a lifetime of putting everyone above myself in every part of our lives. I’m way older than you most likely but the hurt anger and disbelief are all the same. You have rights even if you don’t know what they are yet. It’s taken me two years to figure out our finances if what he chose to do led us to divorce. It’s too soon to know what forever is and all you need to do is one day at a time. I’m so sorry you are on this blog but so glad that because you had the need to find it that you are here. Don’t feel like you have to make any decisions this first month or year. You have plenty of time to figure out what you need and what you want for you and your children. Take your time and listen to the wisdom of the collective minds of this community and just know that you can get through this. Sending you hugs and prayers and just the knowledge that you are among kind loving women!
I want to begin by saying that this blog has been a literal lifeline for me since my DDay on Halloween 2016. I have read all of your stories and your bravery has been so inspiring. I want to share my story now.
ReplyDeleteI knew in my heart of hearts that my H was not just " close, intimate friends" with his married co-worker. His words to me when I asked him why he was constantly checking his phone/texting her even on weekends. I am so dumb and trusting. We had been married for 21 years and I trusted him so completely. Stupid I know.
I found an email from her the night of Halloween after I finally cracked his phone passcode. She told him she "couldnt wait until they didnt have to pack and unpack, that they could just be together". She and my H were leaving the next day for a trip together. She told him "she loved him and her butterflies were starting already".
When I read the email...confirming all my suspicions...my body began to shake, my head spun, my heart literally fell out of my chest. I was physically so shaken I couldn't hold his phone to search for more emails. Seriously regret that now because I have to take his word that he never responded with " I love you" etc.
I kicked him out that night. Then let him come back home. Our 3 teenage/grown kids all know. ( and all know her)
He called her and told her that he could never see/speak to her again. Tough since at the time she worked with him but he has since moved jobs.
I brought up his affair multiple times a day for the first few months. Always ended in a fight/tears. Questioned him constantly. Caught him in several lies during the disclosure of details, which obviously sent me straight back to square one. I now have a better understanding of what exactly their "affair" was. Basically traveled together, got drunk, and occasionally "hooked up". She is married also. (I called her husband the night of Dday and told him everything I knew)
Fast forward to today and I will say that I am stronger and wiser. But have some major work still ahead. In no particular order, here are the things that I have learned so far on this painful journey:
1) What hurt the most is the person that I lov(ED) past tense, hurt me the most that I have ever been hurt.
2) The little lies told during recovery "to spare me more pain" have done more to cause us to backslide than any ugly truths.
3) I struggle to believe that they never actually "did it" when they hooked up because he couldn't perform. That's his story. This hasn't been an issue ever for us in 23 years together. Do any of you have this similar struggle??
4) I can control, for the most part, my thoughts and keep them positive. But then I will be triggered by something and I go RIGHT BACK to that dark dark rabbit hole. It's still happening 15 months later.
4) Forgiveness is something I have to decide to do EVERY DAY.
5) At times I hate him, still, so much.
6) I am stronger that I ever knew and love my family too much to let his stupidity ruin us.
7) I love each and every one of you for your strength and willingness to share.
8) If you haven't already, sign up for the weekly emails. They are a GOD SEND.
Hugs
I feel your pain! Anonymous in Texas, my coward of a h allowed his cow to disclose his affair and way too many details but she just didn’t believe that he wasn’t in love with her as she was with him. She was/is delusional. Tha said my h has really had to step up his game to reclaim our relationship. I’m still in need of joint couple counseling but it’s on temporary hold while I’m caring for my mother in her final stages of life. He has taken a job that requires him to go across the country for six months but he’s changed his plans for next week in order to be with me during the first week we move mother to our home with hospice. I’m still sad for the damage he did to us but I love what I’ve seen him do since he recommitted to our marriage. I choose daily to look at him now and not so much on the weak coward that chose to hurt us so bad just for some different sex...Yes this blog is a life saver! Sending hugs!
DeleteAnonymous in Texas,
DeleteI'm so glad that you shared your story. And everything you've learned sounds incredibly familiar. I learned those same lessons...as I'm sure so many of us did.
Fifteen months probably feels as though you've aged a lifetime but I swear it takes a year to just absorb the shock of betrayal. And then the healing begins. And it takes a LONG time. It was five years before I felt as though it was truly something that happened and wasn't still happening -- not the affair but the pain and the healing. So be patient with yourself.
I would ask what he's doing to support you in your healing and figure out why he did what he did. The question of whether he did or didn't have sex feels almost immaterial to me. He was intimate with her. That's all you need to know and it's a huge betrayal. But...I completely understand and support your desire to know the truth and it sounds as though you still don't trust him to tell you the unvarnished truth and that's a real problem. What is he doing to learn how to tell you difficult things?
It sounds as though you're doing a whole lot right, Anon in Texas. But it feels as though there's some lessons hidden in the problem you're having with this right now. And that is, I think, that he doesn't seem fully honest with you. That could be residual from his lack of full honesty in the wake of D-Day. I WISH men would understand that their desire to "not hurt us more" (which, let's be honest, is about self-protection WAY more than it's about protecting us) does so much MORE damage in the long run.
I never thought in my life something can hurt so much. That non-physical pain can be so incredibly excruciating. Floating in between being absolutely and totally numb, being on an edge of suicide, angry, so so so so very sad, lost and it is going over and over again.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel insane, because I dont want to hurt him. After all this I feel pain to hurt his feelings...there are so much love. And so much sadness it breaks my heart to tiny pieces every single day.
It is 34 days after.
I want to be able to breath again. I want me back. I dont know where I am or who I am anymore. For the hell I dont think I know anything anymore.
They say writing things down helps. So I write and I paint and I cry and than it is a good day and than it crashing again.
And I am coming to him and asking him to hug me.
Am I insane for doing it?
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. But please trust all of us when we tell it won't last forever. You are strong enough to bear this, I promise you. And you will be "you" again. I promise you that too. You will be a you who's wiser for the pain you've gone through and who's more grateful for the love she has in her life.
Infidelity is crazy-making. We all feel a little nuts when we're going through it. We seek comfort from the same person who's caused us pain.
Is he still with his affair partner? If so, I would resist turning to him and instead find people in your life who can hold you and let you cry. I'm glad you find painting and writing are helping. The key is to let your pain find its expression. Left unexpressed, it festers. But let it out and it can create something beautiful.
You will get through this. I promise. You are still you, but you are in pain. Be gentle with yourself. And know that you have the strength to get through this.
I could have written that myself. Having a down day. I want me back too. I miss happy me. Let’s take a deep breath... just breathe... we will be ok
ReplyDeleteGem
Gem, "Happy" you is still there. None of us can be happy all the time. We all have peaks and valleys. And those valleys help remind us how spectacular the peaks are. So trust that when happiness returns, you will value it all the more.
DeleteAnd no, you’re not insane about the hug. You are surviving something awful & getting through the best way you can.
ReplyDeleteGem
Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou are no more than the rest of us! I’m so sorry you are here reading and feeling this pain! The emotions you have are pretty normal given the upheaval of betrayal! We’re all trudging though on our own path but we all have the ups and downs you described! I went through many months of rage and I slung really mean and hateful and hurtful words at my h! He felt like he deserved it at the time! Maybe he did but it sure did leave me feeling ‘insane’! I’m further on down the path and my rage has calmed but it took my h lots of work to help me through! I’m not sure what your situation is but yes it does make sense that you need him to hug you and reassure you that he is willing to do that hard work to win the heart that he has crushed! It’s possible! I have seen some that have been through this stormy time and have a much better stronger relationship but it takes daily work from both to get through the worst of times! I’m sending you hugs and understanding!
Hi, my name is Amber, I met my husband in November 2009, we started dating March 2010 and got married October 2014. We have always had a strong relationship and we have been through so much together. We have been homeless three times together we have been shot at twice almost went off of the cliff of a mountain in Colorado during the winter and we have always managed to come out stronger than ever every time. In November 2017 I started working a new job where I was gone for 12 to 14 hours a day. About 2 weeks after starting my new job I found out my husband was chatting with my brother's wife, my own sister-in-law, his sister-in-law(technically) When I asked why he was talking to her in the first place he tried to tell me that they were just talking as friends and he was trying to help her with her alcoholism, she went through a LARGE bottle of vodka a day sometimes 2 bottles. It got to the point where I questioned everything because he was drinking with her, he would travel over an hour to go to her sister's house where she was after every fight with my brother over her alcoholism.
ReplyDelete... to continue my story..
ReplyDeleteI mean how can you help someone with their alcoholism if you're drinking with them you should be trying to prevent them from drinking at all. Then in the middle January 2018, I know really recent, I found out that they have been exchanging dirty pictures and telling each other they were in love with each other. My husband looked me straight in the eyes while on the phone said "I am no longer in love with you I am in love with her I want to be with her I don't want you." Right then and there my heart shattered into a million pieces I bursted into tears and I left the room and went outside that's the only place I could Escape to. I always had a suspicion because he would sleep deprived himself just to talk to her he would stay up until 3 4 5 in the morning on the phone with her he would never want to stay in the same room as me to talk to her he would always step out back or go to the garage and lock himself in the car just to talk to her. I asked him repeatedly what is going on between the two of you and he would always respond with the usual we're just friends we're family for Christ's sake you have nothing to worry about you can trust me the usual BS a cheating ass sob says to his wife that he cheated on. He got to the point to where he constantly called me insecure and jealous and paranoid even told me I needed to go see a therapist. On January 27th I moved out of state as I was driving out of state he calls me on a three way call with her and tells me that they had slept together several times that he would sneak over there while I was at work and my brother was at work and she was alone in the house with her to newborn babies, which are white so I know they're not my husband's LOL, I am trying to get passed this he is traveled to the state I moved to a couple times begging for me to give him a second chance my heart says to do it go ahead and give him a second chance but I think my love for him is clouding my judgement I don't know if I can truly forgive him and move forward with our relationship I don't think I could ever trust him again, not completely. At the time of his infidelity I had suffered a miscarriage and it didn't really seem to phase him even though we have been trying to have a baby since we got married. He just told me recently within last couple days it was my attitude and the way I carried myself that pushed him to the point of infidelity. I was completely shocked instantly started crying asking myself, how is this my fault? I did not choose for him to have sex with my sister-in-law, my own brother's wife, his sister-in-law. How is this my fault why is this my fault how can I get passed this I don't know what to do my heart says stay but my mind says leave. I don't know what to do in this very rare situation I mean come on how many husbands cheat on their wives with their wives brother's wife? I looked him dead in the eye and I told him that there is no excuse for this, I told him he disgusts me, I told him that he could have cheated on me with anyone even a woman he had to pay for sex and that would have been better than what he has done to me. In my opinion that's borderline incest. Please, I need some advice on how to get passed this everytime I think about him in a sexual way all I can do is picture them together in bed in his favorite positions and I really hate it. I need help!
Amber J
DeleteHe is blaming you because he’s too big a coward to face his own truth! I’m so sorry you are hurting so bad but omg! You have been double betrayed! I can’t imagine how much hurt you feel not just from your h shitty treatment of you and the pain he’s caused but also by a family member? How twisted they both are! I just want you to know that this is NOT your fault! He they caused this with their selfish choices. First begin right now believe in yourself and know that you don’t deserve this and furthermore he must own his decision to cheat and lied to you many times. No excuses for that except selfish on both their parts! I’m going to also suggest a personal therapist that can help you deal with the trauma you are feeling! Read more of the current blog post and share your thoughts. You will find we’re all very understanding and kind to each other because we know exactly how you are feeling! Sending you hugs and love!
Amber J,
DeleteI am so sorry for everything you've been through. I am so sorry for your miscarriage. That must have been devastating, and more so because your husband didn't pull closer to you in your mutual pain. You have been through hell. So many of us here know exactly what you're going through.
Your husband's cheating trajectory (the obsessiveness, the denials, the admission, the blaming, etc. etc.) is so common. It's like these guys all read the same playbook or something. But you have it exactly right. Nothing YOU did made him cheat. He is completely responsible for his choice to cheat.
And nothing you do will stop him from cheating again. So...if he even wants you to consider giving him a second chance (and it will be tough given the family dynamics -- I can't imagine your brother is too thrilled with your husband right now), he needs to tell you that he will do EVERYTHING to figure out why he risked his marriage to you for a woman who, clearly, has a whole lot of problems of her own. And then -- and here's the important part -- he needs to do it. He needs to find counselling, or a 12-step group or whatever -- and figure out why his head was so far up his ass that he made such a stupid mistake...and he needs to know how he's going to make sure he never makes such a stupid mistake again.
And then, if you choose to give him a second chance, you will watch as he changes and grows and becomes a better man. If you don't see that, then that's your clue that nothing is going to change. It takes time. It takes radical honesty. It takes total responsibility on his part for the choice he made and then it takes both of you agreeing to take a hard look at the relationship and figure out how to make it better. It takes him supporting you in your pain. (And, speaking of which, I would encourage you, as well, to find some sort of counselling or support group or something to help you process the pain of betrayal.)
But it's possible. There are many of us on this site whose marriages are strong and honest and we are glad we gave our husbands a second chance. But there are others whose husbands wouldn't step up. Remains to be seen which guy your husband is.
But Amber J, please know this. You didn't deserve this. You deserve someone who supports you and values you and has your back. He can either be that guy...or you're better off without him. (Incidentally, is he working at all? Sounds like he has way too much spare time on his hands. If he's unable to find paid work, then perhaps he needs to volunteer somewhere. Do something useful with his time.)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteIt’s me again, I have tried to post my story but I guess it is being screened before publishing.
I desperately need to reach out to somebody, I feel so lonely, sad, hurt and emotionally unstable that I feel I am
Going to break down any min. I don’t want to talk to my friends, they all know my husband but I have never been in this situation and I feel i am drowning in my own pathetic helplessness.
Floren Valcarce
DeleteI’m so sorry you found this blog because I know the pain you’re in as I remember all too well when I first found it! Most of the regular posters do so on the weekly post but some of us still see the post from this part. I’m not sure what to tell you about why your post didn’t make it but keep trying. We’re here for you and almost all of us felt exactly as you are feeling. I know I felt like it would never get better when I was drowning in the pit! It takes time and hard work but it’s possible to get through this pain. I’m going to suggest you start by finding a good therapist and then just breathing slowly be gentle with yourself as you processing the crazy stuff that happens post betrayal. I’m sending you hugs and love for it’s a miserable place when you feel like you are all alone. You are not alone we feel your pain!
Thank you. I found that through texts and later on checking out wireless bills that my husband has used at least three times escort women. He is extremely remoseful, sorry and willing anything it takes to save our marriage, we have three kids under the age of ten and have been together for eighteen years.
ReplyDeleteI looked through this blog and has helped tremendously, found a counselor through one of your suggested posts and had my first session yesterday.
I have bad triggers and awful anger issues at the moment but I feel I am taking care of myself. I need to look for a sat counsellor and that is also tricky. I have never done therapy and this is a new world with many options. The worst is that I have lost all trust in the man I thought was admirable. I am afraid that if I can keep pulling the string, a lot more stuff is going to come out.
Thank you for your support!
Floren Valcarce,
DeleteI'm glad you reached out for help and are getting it. And I'm very glad that you've found this site helpful. There is a ton of incredible wisdom here from women who know what you're going through. And please know this, most of all. You will get through this.
Hello ladies,
ReplyDeleteI am a couple of days away from my 3 month anniversary of Dday. Background- we've been married for 9 years and together for 16. He was my first boyfriend and I've never been with anyone else. So, my husband was away on a business trip to Amsterdam, probably his 10th or 12th in the last 4 years(and me and the kids (4 and 1 year old)had tagged along most of the times). Anyway so on his last trip he haf meal with a colleague and went back to the hotel. Could fall asleep so went out for another drink by himself. One drink turned into 5 or six and then he decided to go to a strip club. After paying 10 euros for a lap dance he was asked if he'd like some more for 50 euros and he said yes. So she took him out of the strip club in another building in the red light district while holding hands. Then in this building she performed oral sex on him. Apparently, he couldn't come and paid and left.
He came back the next day but didn't confess until 2 weeks later. We were habing some drinks at home and that's when he blurted it out.
My life has been a living hell since that day. I can't get the images out of my head. The first week was just about crying and staying in the hole. Had to work in auto pilot for kids but wasn't actually present with them. I also moved into my son's room as I could stay in that room anymore. He said that he was really sorry and that it was a huge mistake and if he could go back in time he'd never do it. He says he'd like to change himself to be a better man. He watched a lot of porn and played games on his phone which he thinks could have been a reason. Also, his cousins who are very close to him were a bad influence according to me as one of them has had an extra marital affair for years and with the other one he went to a strip club before too.
Anyway, I am devastated, confused lonely and still in shock. I don't know what to do. I've never been good with trusting people and now...After what he's done I don't think I can ever trust him again. But I feel responsible. I don't want to break the family for the kids sake. I don't know if I'd ever be capable of loving him again but want to try. I don't want to give up. But I really feel broken and crushed. My soul hopeless.
Reading on this blog gives some strength as I know, unfortunately ,I'm not alone feeling these feelings. Self worth is zero and so is everything else inside me. I feel hollow and less capable of loving my kids as a result. I'm really struggling. We're seeing a MC, but not sure it's helping. Some days I can cope and other days I hate him so much for putting me through this!
Anonymous,
DeleteAs you know, from reading here, we know the pain you're in. And I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The shock, the disgust, the profound sadness. And yes, the loss of trust.
I am in NO way suggesting that what your husband did wasn't devastating. But...I am going to point out to you that he told you about it. Clearly he's someone with a moral compass (admittedly a compass that wasn't working so well) and someone who respects you enough that he knows you deserve the truth. If he hadn't told you, chances are you never would have known. All of which is to say, I think he's redeemable. I don't think he's a bad guy. I think he's a good guy who made a really REALLY bad choice.
Which is also to say...you get to decide whether he deserves a second chance or not. If you choose to leave, that doesn't change that HE made the choice to cheat, not you. It does not make the dissolution of the family your fault. It means that you made a choice that was the healthiest one for you. Your kids deserve a mother who models healthy behaviour.
But my advice almost always on this site (except in cases of abuse -- emotionally or physical) is to give yourself time to really absorb the shock of this. Three months out is still really raw. I would urge you to find yourself a individual counsellor who is focussed solely on helping you heal from this, who can help you learn to trust again (especially yourself) and who can help you rebuild your self-worth. Often when we're brought to our knees by betrayal, there are other, older wounds that come to the surface. I'm wondering if that's the case for you. And maybe it's time to heal those as well.
I know you're struggling. And that's okay. Your kids will be fine. Focus on you. Tell your husband that you agree that he needs to learn how to be a better person. Sounds like he's already doing some soul-searching. That's his job. Yours is to be gentle with yourself. Be patient with yourself. It will become clear whether or not you want out of this marriage or whether it's worth rebuilding. But that is not a choice to make right now.
I discovered my husband of 23 years having an affair on September 28, 2017. He had been seeing this women for 6 months. He then confessed to a 5 year affair before her. He gets angry when i keep saying 5 years as it was on again and off again. I kicked him out of our home. Let him back in. He was living in the basement, found out a month ago that he was texting her every night for almost a month, tried to arrange to see her at a music clinic at our sons university which our son woukd be attending. Freinded her on facebook and then took her out to dinner and a cuddle in the parking lot. He tells me now that he didnt know when i let him come home that he was to stop all contact with her, played all innocent. Just this weekend he said our sex life was not good for a long time, which was him as he did not approach me and if i approched him he would not have sex with me. He said after he started seeing these women that he wouldnt jave sex with me because he felt like he was cheating on his affair partner. I almost lost my mind. You can cheat on your wife with another women but had a concious and could not cheat on the other women woth your wife. He wants us to work on our marrage. I hurt so bad after him telling me this news. How can one man bring a strong, smart women to the brink of violence and dispare. Some days I want to die, just for peace and to stop the pain. I am looking for an apartment. When I find one I am gone. How did I live 23 years with this man and not know him.
ReplyDeleteMary-Anne,
DeleteThere is an army of women on this site who can tell you EXACTLY how one man can bring strong, smart women to the point of violence and despair. By being a total lying ass, that's how. And then minimizing your pain. By blaming you for HIS lack of moral compass. By offering up the most twisted logic about cheating that I've ever heard (he was cheating on THEM?????). I'm feeling violent and despairing simply from reading your post.
Sounds like you're wise to get an apartment and move out. If this is utterly out of character for him (ie. he has been an exemplary husband until this), then who knows? He might be redeemable, though you are under no obligation to give him a second chance. But if he continues to blame you, to say such drivel and to think this is about HIS pain and not yours, then walk away and don't look back.
Mary-Anne, I am so sorry you are here but glad you found this site. I think it is hard to comprehend. For us who have been betrayed everything our husbands have done defies all logic. I am over 3 years past dday and at this point my husband is shocked and disgusted with himself. But post dday he just said what he had to in order to tread water I guess. One thing is I focused on me since that was all I could control. And looking back with perspective he is 100% responsible and I have learned not to beat myself for not realizing what he was doing. He was sneaking around and lying directly to my face. That is on him. I agree with Elle figure out what you want to do. This is a long process of ups and downs but remember we are all here for you.
DeletePlease help me part 1
ReplyDeleteI am right at 7 months past D-day. My heart is so broken and I am struggling. I have been in love with my husband since I was 15 years old. We have been together for 38 years, married for 32. He is the love of my life and I thought our marriage was a fairy tale. My life has been plagued with cheating all around me so as a young married woman I told him that if he ever wanted to get rid of me the easiest way to do it is to cheat. I have said it for 32 years.
Last May a coworker reached out to my husband and asked him to help a friend that was moving get settled. She was from another country and needed help reading contracts, etc. She is 28, my husband 54. He ended up hanging blinds, putting together furniture and all sorts of things. I did not give it a second thought, it was normal for him to be helpful to people. She and her roommates invited him for a thank you dinner and I was happy for him to go. He came home that night and told me she asked him to be a mentor for her 8 year old son, that his father was not in his life. I told him that seemed a little much, but he felt sorry for the child. The next day there was an email from her asking him to take the child to a park so she could run errands. This is where I got concerned. I told him I was not comfortable with this anymore, that she was asking too much of a stranger. He went anyway, and told her and the roommates the way I felt, and that I needed to be involved. They laughed at him and said if she feels that way about us we don't want her around. So, he decided helping her was more important than the way I felt and he continued to do whatever she needed. You cannot imagine the list of things he did for this woman. He drew up a will for her, he went to the child's school to meet with his teacher, he arranged after school care and the list goes on and on. I think this is when she started the manipulation of his feelings.
On October 15th I picked up his laptop to google something. There it was in real time, she was We Chatting him with kiss and heart emoji's giving him her schedule for the day. He was out on a long bike ride and was seeing it on his cell phone. I read LU, MU. I assumed that meant love you, miss you and I was right. They said it to each other. When he got home I literally had a breakdown. He started telling me I was crazy that he was not having an affair, that she was falling in love with him but he did not love her back. He told her LU meant like you, that he was married. He knew he was leading her on, but he just wanted to help them. We talked for the entire day and he confessed to me that when he was working in a different country, he was getting massages with happy endings. He also befriended 2 girls in a bar that he went to once a week. At one point he let her sleep in his hotel room IN HIS BED, because she was in a fight with her roommate and did not want to go home. He swears to me he did not touch her. When he returned home after 5 years of traveling back and forth, he kept doing the massages here, and also wrote an ad for one of the women for Craig's list. I am completely grossed out by this and cannot understand what happened to the sweet man that I married. He let other women touch him. We were each other's first. I have never seen another man. This is a big deal to me and I thought to him as well. The next day he took me to a marriage counselor. She told him he was having an emotional affair, but he was still in denial. She sent him to his own counselor as well, and he met with this man 1 week later. This man told him he did horrible things to me and that he needed help. He gave him a book to read called "Not Just Friends" It was not until the second week of November that he realized he really was having an affair and took complete responsibility.
Please help me part 2
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I was close to being baker acted. My therapist made him sign papers that he would do things to keep me from truly killing myself. I did not get out of the bed for the whole month of November. We stayed in therapy for 2 months and by the end of December I started coming out of deep depression feeling like we would be ok. After all, he didn't love her right? Well, on Christmas eve, he left his phone next to me as he had done for 2 months like a good boy so I could be assured nothing was happening. I decided to look at his company email on his phone and there it was again. He had never stopped talking to her. But this time, it got real. He really did care and worry about her. That's all he can say is that he cared and he worried. Not loved.
What I did not know was, 8 days after D-day she called him because her roommate had her baby. They had been talking ever since. He was telling her details about our therapy which she started using against me. He told her he thought of her as a friend but was being told in therapy that he had feelings for her. She dug her claws in so deep and started manipulating my husband who has no back bone. For 2 weeks they discussed their "feelings" until he decided it was crazy and told her no more. He tried to break it off on November 15th, but she said she would not let him go and she wanted to talk to me and ask me to give him up. He knew my state of mind so he told me it was then that he just started placating her to keep her away from me. He met with her on December 4th and told her again that he was working on his marriage but she cried and told him she was going to our house. They set a date of January 3 that she could talk to me, but in his head he was trying to get thru the holidays so Christmas wasn't ruined and then it could blow up and he could get rid of her. Again, December 20th he told her to stop and she left crying. She told him her parents knew about him and they did not like it. They were arranging a fixed marriage for her and the boy was coming from her country to meet her. This was a lie of course, she was trying to make him feel bad and leave me. We called her together on Christmas Eve and told her to never contact him again and to my knowledge she has not reached out.
He is still in therapy. He is going 2x a week and I am going 3x trying to get my life back. My therapist will not start couples therapy until she feels I am ready. All I do is ask questions and get hurt and want to die. Last night, he lost his temper with me and called me a psycho bitch. I am pushing him away with my pain that I can't seem to get past. I am on Wellbutriin and that does not seem to help. I am in so much pain and I am so tired of feeling like this. I cannot get the things out of my head that he wrote to her in emails. He told me he was so scared I would leave him and he would lose me and all of our friends. He thought she would be the only friend he would have. I think that's bull crap. He could have stopped it if he wanted to. Its black and white to me. I know I love him, and I know he loves me. But I don't know if I want to be with a man that did these things to me. I am broken, please help me.
Anonymous,
DeleteI am so so sorry for the pain you're in. It's ironic that, in the midst of the worst pain of our lives, we're often counting on the person who caused it to support us through it.
Your husband is clearly a broken, emotionally mixed up man. Counting on him right now to do anything more than get himself together is probably too much. It's setting you up for repeated disappointment because he just can't handle your pain. Unfair, absolutely. But often the way it is.
I would urge you to continue doing what you're doing -- getting help for yourself and building up your own emotional strength as you wrestle with how someone you trusted and love could cause such pain. But asking HIM to help you with that isn't going to work because he's still wrestling with how he could have behaved the way he did over years. He doesn't have the answers to the questions you're really seeking: How can someone who loves us make such painful choices? Why would he risk losing the person that matters for people who don't? It's HIS job to figure that out.
And it's YOUR job to focus on you and keeping yourself safe, until you have the strength and a bit more emotional clarity to be able to listen to the answers when they come.
Anonymous, whether or not you stay with him isn't a decision for right now, though if you think physical distance might help, then consider a separation. But I think, right now, you're still in survival mode. It's about day to day. I promise you won't feel like this forever. Take it moment my moment, day by day. The pain that's got your heart in a vise grip will loosen. For now...rest. Give yourself permission to just work on you and healing your own heart. And insist that if your husband even wants you to consider being there when he gets his act together, he needs to have absolutely NO contact with anyone that you don't know about, especially this woman, who is absolutely poison.
There is an army of women on this site, Anonymous, who know the pain you're in. We've been there. And many of us are not there anymore. And we can support you and guide you as you move along your path to healing. You are worthy. And the world needs you and the gifts you bring. Trust that you are strong enough to get through this.
Thank you. I have lived thru a lot of trauma in my childhood and this has just pushed me over the edge. I will never understand.
ReplyDeleteIt's me again. So, I found out last week that he was still lieing. I knew deep down he was. He told me during one of his massages, a naked girl rubbed her body all over him. He said they did not have intercourse, just a happy ending. And then, he told me he made out 2 times with the asshole he had the affair with. Kissing and groping in the car, the 2 times they met in December to break it off. Now I am left with vivid images of them kissing. He gave her intimacy that belonged to me. I am so full of hate for her. I want so badly to send her a letter and tell her she is trash. My friend helped me realize that I am stuck. It's been 7 months and we are not progressing. I love him just as much as I want a divorce, so I am stuck. I told him last week that I would try as hard as i can to move forward. And I meant it. But sometimes I look at him and I feel nothing but disgust and I am grossed out. I love him, but I also hate him. I don't feel safe. Oh, one more thing. The therapist told him if she ever contacted him again to get with me and together we decide how to handle it. Well, she went to him on Jan 3 (the day he was going to make it end so he says). She told him she had to hear it from him again, that he did not love her and he was staying with me. Well, he never told me he saw her. Even the many times I asked, he kept lieing. He did not even tell the therapist he made out with her. He thinks its just a detail that does not matter. I don't know if he is being completely honest with the therapist. He seems like he is trying so hard for me. I see that he is, but I don't know why I can't just move on. I am stuck. I am in love with a man that I don't know if I want anymore
ReplyDeleteI am 8 months past D day and I’m having a hard time moving past the affair. My husband and I went back and forth a few times and every time he ran back to her. He finally realized he wanted to be with me and loves me. I want our marriage to work but I don’t trust him. Is it not right that I keep bringing things up that happened with him and the OW? He gets so mad and defensive. All I think about is them together and all the lies he told me. I know that if I want things to work with us I should leave it alone but it’s so hard and I just don’t know how. I feel like if I don’t say anything about it to him every time we speak I will explode. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to keep my mouth shut when it’s something I think about constantly. I don’t have many friends to talk to about it and I don’t want to talk to my family. How can I get past it? He actually does seem to be trying his best to make me happy but he said if I keep bringing it up and questioning everything he does it will push him away.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous 5/17. I’m in a similar situation as you. I fully get what you’re going through. You are stuck in a place of trying to understand what his affair means about your relationship and your future. Have you talked about why he felt like he could cheat? What rationalizations he made? Why he felt so alone and that he couldn’t turn to you and sought out something else? I think until we get answers to those questions we are stuck. And even after we get answers we are stuck because we don’t trust them.
DeleteI am 4.5 months past dday and I’m in the same space. I’m driving him away with my constant anger, sadness and fear. I get it. I suck to be around. And I too feel like if I’m experiencing a trigger he should know about it. I guess I still want him to hurt and know how much I hurt. Only, I see it’s making things worse. He is doing everything right. He has apologized hundreds of times, cut off communication with her, assured me over and over that he loves me and wants me, cut down on drinking, stepped up in parenting. He’s working really hard. He asked me yesterday what else can he do. All I can think is go back in time and not cheat. He is questioning if I can ever forgive him and get over this. I’m not sure. It makes him feel hopeless and then I feel hopeless too. We have set aside one day a week to talk about our relationship and I have not stuck to it, even though I know that this constantly coming up is killing what is left of our marriage. Today he told me he can’t do this anymore. That we are both miserable and something needs to change. I see clearly that it’s me. I mean he really has done everything in his power to support me and I am the one who keeps backpedaling. So I’m going to really try to live in the present for a while. To stop bringing this up for a while. I think it’s the only thing that will work right now. How many times do I need to hear he is sorry before I leave him alone? Why do I want him to wallow in his shame?
Thats exactly it. I feel pain all day everyday. It never leaves me. And I try as hard as I can to push these thoughts away. But when this happens, he seems so happy and like everything is normal again. Like he doesn't hurt, just me. And then I resent him for being happy. I may seem ok for a few days on the outside but inside I am so sad, scared, hurt and angry. I do the same thing. I bring it up and he gets mad because he thinks I'm going backwards. My therapist told me to stop. That the OW is not worth my emotions or thoughts, I agree with that but I can't just stop. I love my husband but sometimes I look at him and I cannot believe he did this. After 38 years he completely broke my heart. I don't know how to get past the anger. I am just trying to get thru the day. We did not ask for this, and they need to understand it won't just go away. My whole body feels like I have butterflies. I am losing my mind. I cannot imagine life without my husband, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for all that he has done. And I want her to suffer too. Why does she get to dig her claws in and try to take him with no consequences?
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteEight months is still quite raw, though I know it probably feels like you've aged a lifetime.
And I think it's important to be able to talk to your husband, though I know neither of you want this to dominate conversation even if it does dominate your thoughts.
Do you journal? That can be a really helpful way of getting what's in your head down on the page.
Do you have a therapist where you can just empty your head of all the thoughts and worries and fears? A safe place with someone who can rebuild your strength?
Do you have an exercise regime -- where you can shift focus to whatever you're doing, to focus on your body?
Or a meditation practice where you can, day after day, learn how to bring your thoughts back to focussing simply on your breath?
Anything you can do where you regain control over your thoughts because that's what they are -- thoughts. But those thoughts have a way of gaining steam if they go unchecked.
Maybe you and your husband can have a code word so that you can let him know when you're hurting and when you need a show from him of his support and his acknowledgement of the pain you're in. My husband and I used "muskrat" (long story).
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. See what you can do to control what you can, trust that time will take care of some of it, and give yourself time and space to just feel it sometimes. What we resist, persists.
I agree with so much of what Elle has said. Honestly I agree that it is so soon. We are over 3 years past dday and honestly there are still hard days. And I am still guarded. This is a hard process with ups and downs. A lot of my current issues relate to the fact that at this point I have really high expectations. Higher than ever.
DeleteHere are my tips for earlier on. We set one time a week to talk about everything. That way it was not constant every day. I honestly did not want to talk about it all the time. We spent the other days doing things together cooking, walking, working out, going to the movies etc. I did journal every day. Before we would meet to talk I would look back at my week. It helped me see what was a recurring issue. By going through this process it helped me be more focused and less emotional and tangential. In the end I benefited more feeling like we got more accomplished and he was less defensive. I also started seeing a therapist at about 5 months or so past dday. This helped me a lot. It was a sounding board and a place to form my thoughts, figure out my next step and gain validation. My therapist really helped me work through the pain and start to allow myself to be more vulnerable.
As far as triggers go anytime I anticipated one I told my husband. Or if it was after the fact I brought it up. He needs to know about this. I decided early on I was not going to sit with my feelings but speak up. I try to do it in as positive as a way as possible. This has worked well and many times he said he already thought of it too. We have a plan then for whatever the potential trigger is or what to do next time to avoid the trigger.
Honestly this is a really hard process. This is a major trauma for all of us and I think even for our husbands. I would say when we got past the one year mark it really hit my husband. At this point I think it affects him more than me. And we have both gotten to a point where this is a part of our history and we take it into account pretty much in all aspects of our lives. We did get past the major pain of infidelity but then how do you shape a marriage you want going forward. This is something we work on daily. Nothing is perfect but for me I have had to really work hard at focusing on the present. Neither of us can change the past so I focus on do his actions match his words. And if things do not feel right I speak up, if I need something I speak up.
NorCal
ReplyDeleteI couldn’t figure out why I needed my h to wallow in his shame either but I think it was because of how I found out and then his crazy ow just wouldn’t leave us alone. When she did finally leave us alone, I continued to have triggers and my rage would return and I lashed out at him. This happened at least 3 times and the last time almost led us to a separation. Neither of us wanted that. I don’t know how we made it through that year but time has helped us rebuild our relationship! It takes real work from both partners. Sending hugs!
My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I had been feeling some type of way with him. Everything was an argument and there was very little talking until January 12 when he came home and handed me a card and said you can call the lawyer and he'll explain everything, and I will sign the papers. I was confused thinking what are you talking about? I was thinking that you are going to let another man speak for you. What a coward!! As the story unravels, he was a high ranking law official and he wasn't working in the jail, but low and behold after a female inmate was discharged a week later they had an encounter and she was pregnant. She had spent 9 months in jail and as he tells it, he didn't know her then. She inboxed him on Facebook and they met up and had sex. From this one encounter, she became pregnant. She began to blackmail him, and make threats. This became her 4th child. After researching her, I found out that she has a history of framing men for money. However, not knowing how my husband really spells his name, she named the baby after him, and spelled everything wrong. Lie after lie, he tried to tell. Wanting nothing to do with the baby or him, I only agreed to stay in the marriage with marriage counseling. I have always kept God first in my life and only wanted a Christian based marriage counselor. I was too embarrassed to go to my church for counseling. Fast forward to now, we get the little guy every other week for a week, and most times he doesn't want my husband, but me. He wants me to do everything for him. The jail bait that did this, really does not want him. We always have my little guy more than we should because of her not wanting him which we are making legal preparations for full custody. MC helped me through this, but I truly feel like if it wasn't for the 17 month old little guy, I would be gone.
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
DeleteI'm so sorry -- I just saw this post now.
Wow. You are made of incredible stuff to be able to accept this little man into your life and your heart. I bow to you and your compassion and your mercy.
I hope your husband can find his way back to his own moral compass. And I wish you weren't too embarrassed to go to your church for counselling. Nobody has any right to stand in judgement of you. In fact, I would hope they too would be awed by your ability to live out your Christian principles and embrace an innocent child.
I hope you're doing okay and, again, I'm so sorry I missed this post.
Michelle
DeleteThis sounds like you are the only adult present in this child’s life! What a blessing you are to him when his parents can’t do what he needs! I’m sorry you have been going through this alone but I think if you reach out to your church family they should understand that you are doing your best in the worst of situations! Sending you hugs and prayers that you can continue to be strong for that little guy!
I chose this name because my husband's infidelity has gone on since before we were married - mostly emotional, and twice physical. The relief of the passing of the initial heartbreak and betrayal is intoxicating, and I have to keep reminding myself that it does not and will not ever be the same as resolution. I don't think he is capable of walking through that fire.
ReplyDeleteThe most recent physical infidelity was for a year, starting 2 1/2 years ago. He was out of town on a gig during a rough period in our relationship, and he chose to use that as his excuse to escape into the arms of another woman. I caught him on his phone (messenger) and patiently watched until I had enough hard evidence Then at the end of the year, I told him I knew when he told me he was about to go back and do the gig again, where she would also be in the same show again. He jumped to the conclusion that someone told me about it. I told him I wasn't going to make him do anything and that he had to make the decision. He went. He let me do the talking and boundary setting and just nodded in agreement as he prepared to go. The main boundary was that he never, under any circumstances meet or talk with her outside of rehearsals or shows. Ever. It took him three days before he was sitting at a coffee shop with her repairing and making sure the air was clear with her and that he could safely walk with his head held high in rehearsals. He gave her the repair and apologies he had yet to be able to give me. He was only able to blame his choices on thinking we were done because we were in such a rough spot. He did tell me about this - He thought that made him a hero. Short memory with promises.
His crossing of that boundary made me pull away. I moved him into another room before he returned from the contract and we told his parents we are divorcing. That was January of '18. Since then, we have kept up appearances for everyone else and the kids, because neither of us has been able to move forward and we do not communicate unless I bring it up and hand hold him through it. He just nods and agrees, and leans on "I don't know" as his go-to answer to hard questions. I keep feeling drawn into the possibility that there is something to save - because we are not in immediate crisis. But we are not communicating about anything of import. We certainly have not done any work to repair. I am just expected to get over it.
Now, in July, he has just told me he is going back once again to do that show with her in it again. He has also been in correspondence with an ex-love who is coming into town this summer to see his show on my birthday. He hasn't told me. The same woman to whom he failed to mention his wife had just born him twins two days before when she had emailed him and asked directly about his wife and daughter.
Our lives are so intertwined. He is essentially my boss. My professional and personal world are tied up in him, in the small town where we live, and while I do have my own identity here, he runs the place, so due to his actions, leaving him means I am punished -- not him. I love my life here. My children do too. And I am dying inside. Paralyzed to move forward, and so sick and stuck inside of it.
Came here because I needed to tell my story in a safe place where the people here don't also want or need a job from him. Praying for clarity and courage. Thank you for this forum.
RINR,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in and for the spot you feel stuck in. It sounds as if you're the only adult in this relationship.
I'm not sure if you're asking for advice but it sounds to me as if you don't want to give up on the marriage but aren't quite sure what's left to save. And he's certainly not meeting you halfway.
You could carry on the way you are -- not rocking the boat. Though I suspect that would slowly kill your soul.
You could tell him that you want to rebuild a marriage with him but only with very clear boundaries, total honesty and a commitment from him to seek therapy to pull his head out of ass.
Or you could begin to disentangle yourself from your intertwined professional lives and begin to create a life that's entirely your own.
Whatever you choose, RINR, I think you're going to be okay. You sound incredibly level-headed. But I know too that this is heartbreaking. Still...it's your life and you deserve to be able to live it without wondering what he's doing in the shadows. If you do decide to leave, please don't blame yourself for it. He's the one who made the choice to go outside the marriage. And no, you were not "over" just because you were going through a rough patch. If he truly thought the marriage was over, he wouldn't have needed to be secretive about it and lawyers would have been involved.
In any case, keep us posted here about how you're doing. As you've likely noticed, the women here don't judge. They just pull you close and remind you, as often as you need it, that you're going to get through this.
Reliefisnotresoultiion
DeleteI’m glad you were brave enough to share your story and your pain! I’m so sorry you had a reason to find this blog! I know the pain is really hard but I’m here to tell you that it won’t always be this bad no matter which direction your marriage goes. You are in the company of some of the most amazing women and we want you to know that you are not alone! Sending hugs!
Elle,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words of encouragement. I was absolutely asking for a reflection back, so I really appreciate it. I have articulated clear boundaries, seeking therapy, and all that you suggest. He is either not willing or not able. I think it is more of the latter, and because he is unwilling to seek out therapy, there is no hope of tackling that end. I am very level-headed. I walk him through his leadership job nearly every day, and am quite successful myself. In this case, I feel like I need to be told what to do. That is not me. It is also not me, though, to be in a position of powerlessness and voicelessness. My line of work is in advocating for women. That dichotomy feels ridiculous. I feel shame in finding myself in this place, seemingly unable to advocate for myself -- the very action I have made my life purpose to empower others to do. I thank you for your time and energy in responding to this post. I feel not-so-alone as a result of your kindness.
I hope you can work through that shame and, instead, feel solidarity with the women you try to help. It's hard work to find our voice and learn how to use it.
DeleteAnd you're allowed to take time to digest your options. So often we think we need to take a stand RIGHT NOW. We don't. Taking time to really work things through is a perfectly acceptable response. Find the solid ground beneath our feet is important. I would urge you to remain conscious to whether you're giving yourself time...or are too fearful to make a move. Still okay to wait. But you don't want to remain paralyzed by fear forever.
Hang in there, RINR. We're about to run out of space on this thread (for some reason, this blog platform cuts off comments at 200) but feel free to post your thoughts/questions/whatever on other posts. You're among friends.
RINR, I am so sorry you find yourself here. I agree with Elle that you sound level headed and I can tell you have done a lot of serious thinking about all that has happened. When I look back I think some of what you are going through took time for me. I had a great career myself but also supported my husband's career. I paid to support us, paid for his advanced education and paid to start up his business. We decided together to move to where we live now when we were young yet had been married for a few years. This is not the best option for my career. I could still work but I would not advance like I would in other cities. However I felt based on our very detailed conversations we were doing this as a team. I also never pushed to have kids but he did. It just took me longer to warm up to the idea. I love my career and my kids but with both. However I feel like at least to the outside world he has this image of what a great career he has and what a great dad he was. He is really successful and great at what he does and he was an okay dad but in the end was detached for 10 years while he had two affairs.
DeleteFor me beyond all of the horrible things to get over related to his betrayal the hardest part might be this feeling of I thought we were a team. And I did give up a lot. Along the way he said some not so nice things since he was an excellent person at gas lighting. All in order to make me feel bad about who I was and so he would not feel so bad. I think Elle is right that you could just move through life but you also could start to create a plan and not be intertwined with him career wise.
And I find it hard too that I struggle with making decisions and speaking up about the betrayal to the outside world especially. However society had a misconception of betrayal. I had those misconceptions before dday.
I don’t know where to post or where to ask questions. I am lost in my situation right now.
ReplyDeleteI have been with my husband for 15 years. He is(was?) a serial cheater. He was cheating on me even before we were married. I found out the first time three days before we were supposed to get married....writing on the wall huh?
But every single time I stayed. Before it was because of fear. What would I do without him? I can’t live without him. Can’t do that to my kids.
Three years ago, he “fell in love” with another woman. Started out as a cheating thing for him but he eventually decided she was fun, and broken enough, to want to stay with her. That is, until I found out and he suddenly dumped her. She kept calling and texting him, he met up with her two weeks after because she insisted she might be pregnant. He freaking held her hand as they waited in a park for the stick to change. I had tracked and followed him...
8 months of hell ensued. Basically I felt crazy, because I felt he wasn’t “done” cheating. Had a feeling but he wouldn’t let me track him, kept his phone locked and hidden when he was home, most of the time if their sorry they put it all out there for you to see. He wasn’t. So I knew he was still cheating.
This time I hacked into his phone and tracked him to another woman’s place. Luckily it was an apartment and I had no clue which one. So I waited by his car. The day we were to sign on our new home. He was getting “just a blow job” from her for a while. Met her at a grocery store and she was persistent so he said sure.
I was livid. Said nothing to him other than “I’m f-ing done”.
I wasn’t about to not have my house because he’s dumb, and I’m a great actress because the gu we signed with thought I was happy and in a great mood.
After, hubby kept pushing and pleading. I wouldn’t speak to him. Because I was not in the right mind I took my kids off to my moms for a week. I needed to get straight.
For those few days I was dying. I was hurt and broken to the core, but the amount of anger I had in me was over powering. I yelled at him. Told him how horrible he was and how he constantly made me feel like I was losing my mind when I KNEW he was up to no good.
Eventually, I caved. But I told him that I didn’t know if I was going to trust him. That he was going to spend a very long time rebuilding that because after 15 years I didn’t know how to trust him.
He spent the last three years proving to me he was faithful. He lets me look at his phone, though I haven’t asked in a long time. I can track him if I want, again haven’t in a while. He tells me when he leaves work and where he’s going. He basically does all the things he never ever did in our entire relationship and marriage.
But right now, I am losing my mind. I keep thinking about the woman he fell in love with. I check her FB constantly. I was happy when she was dating. But now she isn’t and she’s sad and posting things about being in love once and bla bla bla. This is literally the time of year I found out about her. Three years ago this month. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much now.
His behavior is no different. I know if I picked up his phone he wouldn’t say anything. If I checked where he was he’d be at work. His behavior toward me is not changed. As it always had when he cheated.
But I can’t make this feeling go away. I constantly worry about her contacting him. Not that he will find someone else, but that he will go back to her if she does.
I don’t want to think about her anymore. But I’m obsessed and it’s causing me to feel insecure and depressed.
I don’t know what to do ��.
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad that you found us. The women on this site know your pain. And lots of us have obsessed about the OW.
Are you in therapy yourself? Is your husband? Rebuilding trust takes a long time, as you've noted. But there's also the process of rebuilding trust in yourself, which goes a long way toward helping us feel safe in this world again.
I wonder if your obsession with the OW is a way of keeping yourself vigilant -- of ensuring you don't get blindsided again. Thing is...that hyper-vigilance just keeps us tired and crazy-feeling. And it doesn't really do anything to stop a determined cheater from cheating.
Which is why I'm wondering if, despite your husband's stellar behaviour, is not enough repair work has been done for you to begin feeling safe. Does he understand why he cheated for so many years? Is he clear on the many lines he allowed himself to cross before he got to the actual cheating? Does he understand that what he really wanted was the fantasy rather than the actual woman? And is he clear on what this "in love" was actually about? (ie. you don't dump someone you're "in love" with as soon as it's inconvenient). Can you talk to him about what you're feeling? Is he able to support you in your pain?
Some of this is on you, of course. I would urge you to delete her from all social media. Find ways to stop thinking about her (an elastic band around your wrist, for instance, that you snap HARD as soon as you're tempted to stalk). Because she isn't really the problem. If you're beginning to trust him and you trust yourself (do you have an escape plan of what you'll do if you find out he's cheating again? I would advise it), then what this woman is doing with her life is of no concern to you. I think she's a distraction -- a sort of lightning rod for all your anxiety and pain. Far easier to focus on her than you/your husband.
However, it's hard to know exactly since I don't know the whole situation.
If you comment on the most recent blog posts, you'll get a lot more readers/comments. I'm sure plenty of the others will have support and advice.
In the meantime, please know you're among friends. We've been there. And many many of us have learned how to navigate our way out.
I have talked with him. A lot of his cheating behavior was because he likes being able to manipulate people, and he’s into some very kinky stuff. Things he never talked with me about because he felt I wouldn’t accept it and also that he can’t see me the way he does all the women he fantasizes about. Basically I’m too wholesome in his eyes. So he would seek out girls who he could get into some interesting kinds of fetishes. I.e. dominance, chaining/thing, handcuffs, blindfolding. We have talked and he doesn’t think he was in love with her really, just the idea of what he could have had, which was fun without the burden of family. He was only considering leaving when I didn’t know anything.
DeleteBut she wasn’t like his other affairs. She wouldn’t have gone for any of that...I know WAY too much about her for my own good.
He says he sees what he was doing, and we’ve had many many many long talks.
At one point I told him I was having a hard time. When we have sex he tends to bring up threesomes and things he likes. Always involving other women. This bothers me.
So I told him that I couldn’t do that anymore. That I didn’t judge him for his thoughts, but I couldn’t hear it and be OK. I also told him that if he needed other women than he needed to leave.
He insisted that he doesn’t need them. That he works on himself daily and works hard not to revert to the behavior that led him to cheat each time.
To be honest, it’s been our entire relationship that he cheated. So I know nothing more than his infidelity.
I do tell him when I’m feeling insecure and having a hard time. He tries to help but in those moments he can’t do a whole lot.
I do tend to worry. If we don’t have sex it’s because of me. Because it’s boring. And I immediately think of all the things he’s been willing to do with others. Regardless of what I say he still won’t change it up with me. Again, because he can’t see me as wife/mom AND a sexual being. Giving him a blow job is sometimes weird for him.
So, I get in my head, I get worried, and then I go looking for trouble.
I will go and read more posts and chat with others. I am staying anonymous though because my family is nosy and I don’t need their input.
Thank you for replying as well. Having others to talk to who won’t judge me or hate on him helps.
6 weeks ago I found out my husband was having another affair. I’d suspected for months, recognised the behaviour and even accused him of having an affair with this specific women. 3 years previously I’d joined the club nobody wants to join and we where in reconciliation or so I thought. Back in January he cane in from walking our dog, telling me all about this women, how her husband had left her and how she was struggling with walking her dogs and a toddler. Something made me sit up and take notice. A few weeks later he came in with her phone number. She wanted the details of the person who made our dogs coat, could I message her? I stupidly thought my husband was learning about boundaries, he’d came to me with the number! I told him to text her, what a fool. I know it still would of happened but I wish I’d just said something...Fast forward to June 24 and I track his mobile with the find friends app to her house. He jumped the garden wall to run home when I knocked on the door. A neighbour told me she was in the garden with her child! Cutting a long story short he tried to deny it, admitted being in the house but that it wasn’t what it looked like, 8 days later he finally confessed to a sexual affair beginning feb/March. I am beyond broken. He watched me go through the agony 3 years ago, subjecting me to trickle truth and going back to the other women twice. The 3 years if reconciliation as you all know have been so hard. I felt I was finally coming out of the dark, only for the sky to fall in on me again. I saw the red flags, I asked, he denied. I had to turn detective to confirm his cheating. Had I not caught him it would still be happening. I vowed I’d not forgive a second affair yet here I am not wanting this to be the end. This time it’s on my doorstep. The woman knew me and my youngest child. She is a child psychologist which would be laughable if this situation wasn’t so tragic. She called me to deny an affair, when he confessed she said he’d told her he was divorced. She’s lying further telling my dog walking friends my husband left me as I’d had an affair with another dog walker. I can’t believe that she’d try and damage me, the innocent one further by lying about me. I’m so confused. My husband is a liar and a cheat. He’s done this a second time knowing the enormity of the pain he would unleash by his actions. I’m struggling to cope, to parent, to function. Can I rebuild my marriage? Do I want to? Why do I feel love for this man after this latest betrayal. We have been married 13 years, together 15, 2 children. I’m a stay at home parent and we are both 40. Sorry to ramble, it’s so hard to articulate. This site saved me last time, I’m sorry to be back. This is my first post after many years of daily lurking.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
DeleteI can’t even imagine the pain of a second betrayal! I’m sure it’s excruciating knowing that he knows how much he hurt you the first time! Only you can choose if you want or can give him a chance to rebuild but it doesn’t appear that he figured out what caused the first time he cheated and that’s key for him to know what to do with ‘temptations’! I know the pain of betrayal but I’m not sure if I could do that again! I hope that I never have to find out! That said, have you returned to therapy? Lurking here keeps me grounded as well because my h and I are working hard for our relationship but we struggle just like all marriage relationships do. There’s no easy choice when a partner does that unthinkable again! I can just feel your pain offer a hug and just know that what ever you decide when you feel clear about what you need there’s no judgment here! We are all big hearted souls that know that raw pain!
Oh Anonymous,
DeleteI am so sorry you need us again. A second betrayal can feel worse than the first (if that's even possible) because they KNOW better. They KNOW the pain they've caused. There's no way to minimize that.
So please know how sorry all of us are.
You likely remember us talking on this site about Next Right Step, which is all you need to do right now. You don't need to make a big decision. You just need to focus on your Next Right Step, which, if you're not already in therapy, should include getting support for what you're going through via a therapist. You need someone to remind you that you can get through this, who knows you and the situation and can help you figure out where you go from here.
Did you have any consequences in place if he cheated again beyond the threat of divorce? If you didn't, it's time to figure out what that is right now. Do you want a separation? Or maybe he sleeps on the couch? Have you told your extended family? Friends? I'm not suggesting any of these over anything else...just want you to consider what the consequences are for him violating your vows yet again. We also talk on this site about an Exit Plan, which is essentially pre-planned action so that when/if you're blindsided, you turn to it rather than have to think it through when you're in crisis.
But, again, Next Right Step. Which must include radical self-care right now. Can you get some help with your children to give you some space to focus on you? Can you take some time away to clear your head?
Also...if you have the strength right now, I would find the governing body for psychologists (a therapist for you would likely know) and report this woman. Maybe nothing will happen, or maybe she'll lose her licence. Certainly sounds like she shouldn't be counselling anybody.
You will get through this, Anonymous, whatever happens. But take some time to think through consequences (which are boundaries) and seek help for yourself. In the meantime, we're here to keep holding your hand and reminding you that you'll get through this. Just sucks that you have to.
Anon, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel, our stories are very similar. I’ve been mostly a stay home mom & when I worked it was around my kid’s schedules. There were 8 years in between my husband’s 2 affairs. It took a good 3 years before I started to feel like myself again & to begin to trust, and five years before I felt normal. I’m about a year out of the second affair. I’m better, you will be better too.
ReplyDeleteI too, was here at bwc after the first affair. I returned when I suspected that he might be cheating again. I didn’t want to be here, we shouldn’t have to be after already having gone through this nightmare! The first affair was with someone I didn’t know & does not live near us. The second was a close friend from our inner circle. She and I were good friends, so I thought. We invited her into our home and she knew my kids very well. All the while they were cheating right under my nose. I saw the signs & thought I was going crazy because never again would he put me through that kind of hell again. When it’s your husband and a friend, it feels like there’s a knife in your heart & one in your back. Elle’s right, the second is much worse than the first. I feel like the hurt betrayal causes is like a crime for which there is no punishment for the offenders. It’s like there’s no justice. Yet- we are not powerless.
Right now, you need to know that you did not deserve this and that breaking your vows was his choice, not yours. It is not your fault whatsoever. Something in him caused him to cheat- he has to figure that out. Individual (for both of you) and marriage counseling should help. Yes, our pasts shape our present behavior, as do addictions like porn, gambling, drug & alcohol abuse. Is any of that going on? If you end up deciding to work on your marriage- don’t leave any stone unturned in therapy. Our first therapist missed the boat entirely as to the cause of his cheating and he cheated again 8 years later. My husband has done an incredible job getting to the core of why he cheated. I have hope that things will be better.
Breathe, Anon. Vow to do something for yourself every day. Do something physical if you can- walk, run, do a workout video. There are 15 minute videos you can do if time is limited with the kids. Make this your mission- you need the endorphins. Show yourself how strong you are. For your mental health- there’s short 5 or 10 meditations online. Yoga Nidra worked wonders for me. YouTube has great sleep meditations. Start a gratuity journal. Look outside & find something beautiful. Notice things you haven’t before. At the end of the day, reward yourself for getting through another day- you did it. And remember that you are not alone.
Ladies, thank you so much for your kindness and words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteHe’s staying with his mother 20 miles away but I have seen him regularly when he collects the children. He is adamant he will get help and that he doesn’t want to divorce. We are struggling for money to pay for therapy as he only recently returned back to work following being made redundant last May. I appreciate he was under immense pressure financially throughout this period and it’s interesting he’s turned to another affair rather than me as perhaps a way of self medicating.
Elle, I have thought long and hard about an exit plan over the years so that I’d not be so vulnerable if he was to cheat again. My elderly father died last May, my mother and I had cared for him which also added to why I couldn’t work. What with his redundancy, my fears and my wish to return to work I enrolled on a return to professional practice course with a local university. My mother would help with childcare and my husband was never longer working away. The course was hard, I nearly gave up several times over but I did it, finishing May this year. I was awaiting exam results and needed to apply to the regulatory body for my professional registration to practice. I’d got a temporary post then I found out about the affair. Like I said I find functioning hard. My doctor has given me medication for anxiety. It helps.
When I was out working he was cultivating an affair. That hurts so much. I don’t know if I can return to my profession? I am a midwife and I had to face my fears of dealing with couples and the happiness and joyful emotion of welcoming your child into the world. How would I cope with the bereavement? I did though and he knew how hard it was for me. Now though, I don’t think mentally I could cope. I need to earn money but I can’t process much at the moment. I haven’t even applied for my registration yet! I’m a mess.
Gem, your experience sounds truly horrific. I’m so sorry you experienced a double betrayal. What made you decide that he was worthy of a second chance?
Elle, you saved me 3 years ago. I owe you a debt of gratitude I can’t put into words. Thank you for all that you do. You are a port in a storm for so many broken souls. I’m so sad we all have to find our way to you.
Thank you again ladies.
Anon, I am so sorry you are going through this again. I'm a little over three years past D-day and I can't imagine going down this road a second time. I am a professional also and my therapist advised me to continue with my CEU's and keep my license because you just never know. I also work with "happy" families and the first couple of years were harder than now. Please keep your license/registration current. I look at my license as "money in the bank". I've learned not to put my fears on the faces of those families I serve. They are hopeful. Just because some of us married broken, lying, cheating, narcissistic, spineless men does not mean that all men are like that and I certainly do my best to give my client families the benefit of the doubt. We need midwifes. In my work, I also see a lot of families who suffer fetal demise. My heart breaks for them and they often keep in touch with me over the years. My heart sings when they move forward with another pregnancy. They do not let the past dictate the future. That is what we all aspire to. I don't want my past to dictate my future and I certainly have decided not to let my husband's behavior ruin my life although that is what I use to say. Now, I know, nobody is going to ruin my life. Hugs to you and your next best step. Please do not throw out your life and livelihood because of your husband. Don't let him ruin your life. Much love and hugs.
DeleteAnon, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband is in the mental health field. Granted he was the wayward spouse he focuses on using what he has learned in the process to support and help others. He feels it has elevated his practice and made a huge difference in dealing with everyone, not just betrayal. He is in tune with family and couple dynamics now. He used to not focus on that partially since he was ashamed of what he was doing. Now though he said that is a source of great pride and feeling like he is giving back. I know you are not in the mental health field but it touches every profession. I agree keep current on your credentials and maybe see if you can help others along the way beyond the medical aspect. Thinking of you!
DeleteAnonymous, I hope you can find your way back to a career in which you provide stability and support for women going through childbirth. Yes, it's a joyful time. But, when things don't go perfectly (which, as you know, happens more than lots of us realize), you are the source of strength and knowledge and comfort. It's a privileged position to be in and I don't doubt that you're very good at it -- perhaps even better at it than someone who doesn't realize that life can suddenly veer off track.
DeleteIn any case, I'm thinking of you and sending you strength as you figure things out.
“What made you decide that he was worthy of a second chance?”
DeleteAnon, I’ve been thinking about how I would answer this for over a week! The thing is, it’s not a second chance. He had that and he blew it. I’m not sure what to call it – a third chance? How do I have any self-respect?
Here’s what it comes down to- I deserve the best of him. Here’s the short version of how I got here. On d-day, I told him that our marriage was over. I called him out on all of his bad behaviors and said he was nothing but a liar and a cheat in every part of his life. He didn’t dispute it at all. He had been really awful for some time and I considered leaving him. This was even before I found out he was ‘in love’ with our ‘friend’. I told a couple mutual friends about his cheating, I told my family. His family knew. There was no place for him to run & hide or to go for comfort. I certainly didn’t want to live a lie and make excuses of why our marriage didn’t work after many years. The truth mattered. He wasn’t the man I married anymore. He was an obnoxious, selfish, cheating drunk. I asked nothing of him after d-day except to stay out of my life. I never asked him to change or told him to get help, I was done.
The day before d-day was his last drink. He got help. He did everything a human could possibly do to become a better person. I started to see the man I married again. In those earlier days, I knew I had a choice. I could start a new life for myself, and he could, too. I knew I was worthy of respect & love which is not what he had been giving me at all for at least a year before d-day. I know people very close to me who have endured the pain of divorce. They watch their ex have new romantic relationships, they themselves have new boyfriends, their kids are between two houses, & there can be unintended chaos. If my husband was going to become his best, I deserved to enjoy his best, not someone else. And he wanted to give his best to me.
I still can’t call it a second chance. It’s not. I feel like every day is a renewal of hope & striving to be the best we can be.
I do want to emphasize that I would not be with him if he didn’t fix himself. Our marriage would be over and that would have been the best choice for me. Divorce is the best choice for many people and I wish everyone peace in whatever they choose.
I found out twice. 2 weeks after we reconciled he started seeing her again. Agony has been my companion for 2 years and I feel like I will die from a broken heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard to deal with.... So my husband and I have been together for 5 years (August 8th) we have 3 beautiful children but I recently found out he cheated on me. He had been having a romantic affair with this woman for an entire month. I found out about the affair a week before giving birth to our third child. He was messaging her from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed. Literally would be laying next to me in bed and message her until like 12-2am every night . The month of June going into july was a huge for me. I had my baby shower one weekend, a nephew's birthday party and father's day another weekend, my son's 2nd birthday, 4Th of July and then my father in laws birthday. Through all of those events he was messaging her all day everyday. He got so drunk on father's day he couldn't function and I had to literally walk him to bed. He literally couldn't function to talk to me but he called her and texted her the entire time I was taking care of him. I would bring him a cup of coffee every Saturday and Sunday not knowing he was texting her the whole time while being treated like a king. There was one day he laid in bed after I got up to get his coffee and jacked off and then immediately messaged her a shirtless picture and sweet lovey good morning text once he was done. I feel like such an idiot... I don't know how I didn't see it, how I could be so blind to something so obvious right in front of my face. How can I live with someone and literally not even notice the texting he was doing. The girl was so pretty, in my opinion prettier than me. My self esteem is shot,I have no trust, and I feel so alone it's crazy. I've talked to him about it but he just shuts down and wants to "move past it". It's literally all I can think about though. It's hard for me to not blame myself for this. I love him but I don't know how to move past this. I just feel dead inside
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteI'm so so sorry for what you're going through. A few things I want you to get clear on right away. First, you are not stupid for not knowing your husband was cheating. Re-read that list you wrote of everything you had going on WHILE ALSO BEING LATE-STAGE PREGNANT. Give yourself a break. Please. You were being a mom, daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, aunt, etc. etc. The question isn't why you didn't know it's WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND?? And, trust me, it has nothing to do with whether she's prettier or not. She is cheating with a married man. (And let's remember all the utterly gorgeous women who've been cheated on. Cheating is not about 'trading up', it's about finding someone else in the gutter with you.)
So...now what? Well, you'll see the tagline at the top of this site: My heartbreak my rules. You get to determine how you move forward from this. For a start, the affair, I hope is over. I hope, too, that you have access to any/all devices and can check them to ensure that the affair is over. It's not a guarantee but it makes it harder for him to keep lying.
Next, he doesn't get to "move past" this without a thorough interrogation of just why he risked his marriage, his family and YOUR health for someone who, ultimately, doesn't matter. That's on him to figure out and he likely needs a professional to help him. But move past it? Nope. Not for a LONG time. He has a lot of damage to make amends for.
Your focus needs to be on you. You have two little ones (congratulations, by the way) and you need to someone find time for yourself and your healing. Betrayal is devastating. Please find yourself a therapist who can help you process the pain so that you can move past it. It's a long road but worth it.
Finally, be gentle with yourself. Do not beat yourself up because your husband lacked a moral compass. That's on him, not you. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, given your list of obligations, I suspect you're a lot like I was -- so busy being everything to everyone that you forget to take care of yourself. That needs to change. Your job is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. A therapist can help you learn how to set clear healthy boundaries.
You'll find a ton of info on this site that can help you better understand what affairs are and aren't. But please know...he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. Figuring out what that is will be painful and uncomfortable for him...but absolutely necessary.
Hang in there, Unknown. You will get through this. But it starts with setting some clear rules about reconciliation. You will not just fall into line and let him off the hook. That's not how this works, unless you want to be back here in a year, or two, or three. If you both want a healthy marriage, it's about working through this and coming out the other side.
Hi...I'm a 62 year old woman and I just found out my husband has been cheating. I caught him texting/sexting a 28 year old he met on a linked in forum. He swore that was the only thing he did and that he did it because he just thought it was linked in forum "chit chat". Over the last 48 hours, he has admitted that she was looking for "friends with benefits" and that he felt flattered that she was texting him. He SWORE that was it. Today I found a picture of another woman on his phone and after that he told me the "whole" story. He's done this twice. The first one ended when she started asking him for money...the second one he blocked when I caught him. We got married in 2005...a second marriage for both. We were both doing well in our careers and financially...my sons were 16 and 20 and we had an amazing life until a few years ago when we had some financial downturns with two of our businesses and the stress made it difficult...but we really worked as a team and turned it around. For the past few years we've been funding our pension plans like crazy with the plan to travel in the summers in our RV and spend the winters in AZ where my sons are. We even planned an extended trip to the South Pacific -- Tahiti, Bora Bora and Morea. I am DEVASTATED to say the least. I don't understand and I can't wrap my head around the fact that he has done this. He was a person of such integrity...I can't figure out where he made the turn that made this okay. I want to leave but the thought of finding my own place, moving out, starting over is daunting...I don't know what to do.
ReplyDeleteHi KarenE,
DeleteA whole lot of us find ourselves in the "don't know what to do" category when we're hit with infidelity. And no wonder. It's completely destabilizing. It throws everything we thought we knew into a question mark. Which is why it's valuable to give yoruself time. You don't need to make any big decisions right now. Give yourself time to digest this and figure out what's next. What you'll discover, if you continue to read on this site, is that your experience is far from unique. A crisis hits, these guys struggle to handle it emotionally, and next thing you know they're distracting themselves from real life with an affair. It makes them feel powerful, and exciting, and sexy and interesting. Instead of feeling like a middle-aged man whose life hasn't gone exactly as planned.
Which, of course, doesn't make his behaviour okay. Not at all. It just makes it somewhat predictable.
It's hard for us to understand what he was telling himself that made it okay (likely something along the lines of "nobody is getting hurt", "this is harmless", etc.) but it's his job to figure it out. Your job is to take care of yourself, to, as best you can, stop the voice that says you should have known, etc. Give in to the devastation, knowing that it will give way to acceptance. Find yourself a good therapist who can support you as you process the pain of this. He should be seeing someone too.
And please know that you'll get past this. It takes time. And patience. Whether your marriage survives depends on how he deals with this and with what you want. But you don't need to know that now
Hey, I don't know if I'm posting this right but here I go. My name is Megan and I am 18 years old. My boyfriend and I's one year would've been tomorrow and on Sunday he told me what he had done. Last Wednesday one of his friends that is a girl facetimed him. He knows I don't like her but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and still let them be friends. While they were on the call he did stuff (if you know what I mean). He claims that she didn't do anything but I find it odd that she didn't try to stop him or even hang up. The next day we hung out and he hadn't told me yet and we did stuff (if you know what I mean). I feel so stupid that I let him do that and that he let himself touch me. That following Saturday they both hung out with a friend and had dinner while I was out of town. I can't understand how he mad it okay to continue to hangout with her and didn't feel guilt. His friend posted him on social media and it looked like he was having fun. When he told me I didn't know what to do... I still don't know what to do. He is my first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything. Last night he almost broke up with me because he wants better for me and he says he hasn’t been that for me. I still love him and it hurts to say that. It hurst to walk away and to not love him anymore. How do I forgive him when every time I look at him that's all I can see. How do I move past it when I just get stuck that he actually did it.
ReplyDeleteMegan,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you posted here. I'm glad your boyfriend had the courage to tell you what he did. But here's the thing: When he's telling you that he deserves better, he's right. He's trying to tell you that he knows he messed up but that he doesn't quite trust himself to not screw up again. You're 18. And I know our first loves matter huge to us. I had one too when I was 18. I still think of him fondly. But he's your first. Not your last. And he's taught you something valuable. That you deserve better. That when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Yes, it will hurt. We don't just stop loving someone when they've hurt us. And maybe he'll have a reckoning. Maybe he'll realize just how awful it feels to hurt someone we love and who loves us and maybe he'll never do it again. But him telling you that he wants better for you is also telling you that he knows it's not him. He isn't saying, "I'll never do that again. I don't ever want to be that guy again." He's saying, "I'm not the guy you deserve."
If you were my daughter, I'd urge you to walk away. To feel the pain and know that you will get through it. And to know that there is more love in your future.
I found out my H was having an affair for the last year and half with my son with me. I had some suspicion because the OW had posted a picture of the two of them on my H's bands page. I confronted him and he got really angry with me and swore there was nothing going on. I started looking through pictures from the band's shows and found a few other pictures from a year ago of them. I checked the OW social media page and noticed she said she was in a relationship back in January. She told people to PM her for info on him but did mention he was a computer guy. I confronted him again and he denied it, even swore on our kids lives that there was nothing going on. That week he had a show and our son wanted to go so we did. The OW was there and was trying to take pictures with him. During the show I noticed she was just starring at me. After he was done I saw him talking to her before he came over to see us. He said he was going to the restroom and I noticed the OW go in the building as he was walking that direction. I him come out and he started talking to someone and then she came out and he followed her. They walked behind a bar and she didn't come out the other side. I knew I needed to see if my suspicions were correct but I had my son and I couldn't leave him. I took him with me convincing myself I was over reacting. When I came around the corner of the bar there they were and I knew. Luckily a friend, who knew about the affair, saw me and had my son go with them before he heard anything. He tried to play it off and I flat out asked her if she was F***ing my husband which she said no. I asked him and he just dropped his head and said things were different than they were when we got married. The OW wouldn't walk away until I told her she needed to go. I was devastated and to find out with our son with me was the worst part of it. He had no idea but he knew something was going on that had to do with that lady. Now, when I go to see his band the OW is there because she is friends with one of the members and his wife. My husband's music is his passion but being around his passion is a trigger for me because of how I found out. I also feel embarrassed because everyone knew what was going on. I trusted my husband but there were signs I ignored. He changed his social media to not include or post anything with his family or myself. (The OW knew he was married from the beginning). He came home later from shows than normal and something felt off. I want to trust him again but he did a pretty good job of hiding and lying to me for so long I don't know if I can ever trust him again. How do you move through a betrayal like this? Its been three months and it is getting harder not easier.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I'm so sorry. And sorry your son was there. Three months is still quite raw. It often doesn't begin to feel "better" until a year or more. But I suspect part of the problem is that you are still being asked to tolerate his proximity to this woman. I get that he's in a band, can't control who comes, etc. But what IS he doing to assure you that she's no longer of interest? What IS he doing to support you as you try to heal from this? You seem very much alone.
DeleteHere's the thing: If he wants you to give him a second chance, he needs to SHOW you that he deserves it. He needs to make it clear that he's doing everything he can to figure out why he risked his marriage and family, why he lied, why he put you in the position of being embarrassed at not knowing something that everybody else knew (though, let's be clear, you're not the one who should be embarrassed -- that's on THEM).
You ask how to move through a betrayal like this: You set boundaries, for a start. You figure out what you need to feel emotionally safe in the relationship and then you insist on that. What is okay with you (ie. playing in his band), what's NOT okay (ie. staying out after the gig, taking pictures with her, whatever...). He is asking you to do the hardest thing you've probably ever done so he needs to come to the table with something that makes that seem like a fair risk.
In the meantime, do you have a therapist to support you as your process this pain? Does he? I would urge both of you to seek help. Betrayal is excruciating. You need support. He needs help figuring out why he did this.
So, I want to start out by disclosing that I am not a wife. I am a 28 year old single mother, whom after ending things with my childrens father, had been single for 5 years. I dated here and there, but nothing serious. Nobody ever met my children.
ReplyDeleteThen I met my now partner. It has only been 6 months, but I cant explain the bond I have with him.
Rewind June 2020,I started dating. I met about 6 men in a 2 month period. Nobody sparked me. And I didnt have a type. Then I met, we'll call him A. I felt calm. I had no intention of takkmg this date seriously, and it turned into an amazing lunch.
We started dating. We held out on sex,we had both been celibate for a year, him still at this point, mine ending in March2020.
We were open about dating other people, but agreed nobody we met came close to eachother.
A month layer, we slept together and decided to be monogoumous.
I do admit, that this was a lot for me. A lot of childhood trauma began showing it self. Abandonment issues, anxiety. And O acted out on them. I pushed him away often with the fear of being hurt. Then wed end up back together.
Fast forward Sept 22, 2020. We were monogomous at this point or so I believed. We agreed to let eachother know if we sleep with anybody else so we can decide where to go.
He went on a trip with his friends, a girl his friend was dating, and her sister. He went qith no imtention to sleep qith her, but did not disclose there was females there. 3 days went by, we barly spoke because we had fought before he left.
He came over the day he came back. We made up, we slept together, and it was the best sex we ever had. But i had this knowing that something was off.
He became distant after this day. He wasnt seeing me as much as he used to. Then he came over again aboit 4 nights later. I felt the need to look through his phone, and I seen all the text messages from the sister. Extrmemly flirtatious. And I broke. I didnt know at this point they slept together, he denied it.
Then I spoke to her. At first she also denied it, but then the teuth came out.
I had proof, so he couldnt lie anymore. Forst it was they just kissed, and qith more questions, he said it. They made ojt, and began to have sex, but he lost his erection. It lasted aboit a minute, he didnt finish, and it was just once on the trip.
This was the truth, I spoke with her. I wasnt angry at her, but at him. Not for what he did, but for lying.
I chose to leave. I was fetal crying for 2 days. I said my peace, i said im not mad, i know I pushed him away. It did make me feel better that he didnt ejaculate.
A couple weeks went by, and I missed him, he messed up, our dating was fresh, i did my share part of things aswell just not to that extent.
He expressed intense regret. He begged for me to just talk to him, but i didnt, I couldnt. He said if I gave him another chance he would do whatever it took.
He did a lot of things that were right, and it didnt feel ok to let it go over this.
I decided to give him another chance. I see the difference. I see his devotion, and how much he tries to earn my trust back. Ive seen him cry to me with regret. I feel the difference.
But i still think about it. He is supportive when I have doubts, and he reassures me. I know its only been a couple of months, and it takes time, but how do I stop rellaying the situation qith him and her in my head? I asked for details, He gave me them, now the visual pops up here and there.
I go to therapy biweekly, and I have yet to discuss this because it comes and goes.
I want to forgive him, he is a good person and I need to let go to give this relationship a real chance.
How do I do this?
Unknown,
DeleteI'm sorry for what you're going through. Betrayal is betrayal and it hurts.
You ask "how do I do this?" and by this, you seem to mean letting go of what he did.
But that's the thing. You don't so much "let go" of what happened as you give him the chance to show you that he's learned from it and will never do it again. You need to focus on your own healing (and I'm so glad you're in therapy but please please tell your therapist about this) and work through some of your old stuff that's impacting this new relationship. But also...kinda sounds like he's got his own "stuff" to work through. Yes, it was a new relationship but you had both agree to monogamy. He was dishonest. Your impulse to check his phone indicates that you didn't trust him...and for good reason. Which means, you have good instincts. But it also means that you're in a relationship in which he's deceiving you and you're violating his privacy. Far better for both of you to learn how to have those difficult conversations -- to be honest with each other, even when it's really hard.
Relationships are tough and complcated further when we have childhood, family-of-origin stuff that gets in the way. Continue to work through your stuff but insist that he, too, figure out why he betrayed you and how he's going to make sure he is never dishonest again.
Hi Everyone,
ReplyDeleteCame across this blog from listening to Overcoming Infidelity Podcast.
I found out on Dec 1 that my husband of three years cheated on me last year(Oct 2019). One day, I was looking through his phone and saw a sex video. I was hoping it was an old video so I fast forward towards the end. How I knew it was recent/ during our marriage, was I can see his left hand in the video, he was smart not to wear his wedding ring, but I think he forgot we also had matching wedding ring tattoos. My heart sank. I felt so sick to my stomach I wanted to puke. I confronted him and he told me she was an escort. And he paid $120. He did not think it was considered cheating because she was an escort. WTF? I think what hurts the most is it took me by surprised. Our relationship was great, our sex life was awesome, there was never an issue. We argued like regular couple but got over it within the hour. I didn't even see it coming. I tried to plot the time frame and nothing came to mind. After going through our calender, I recall I worked an evening shift and he told me he had a townhall meeting that night. I cried for a week. Packed his shit to his parents. He begged me back and stated that he's so sorry and would do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship. I let him moved back in because I missed him. It's been almost a month now, I think of the video everyday, and when we are having sex in the same position that he did with the escort. I feel so hurt, sad and angry. I honestly didn't think I would take him back. I am bitter and very snappy lately to him. I am not over it. I don't know if I can be with him. Today, I found out she wasn't the only one, that he has cheated on me multiple times with different women during our time together, total of seven years, four years before marriage. I tried to seek local counselling but no one is available till february. I need someone to talk to.
Lori,
DeleteWelcome. You have found a whole lot of "someone"s to talk to. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I'm sorry you can't get into a counsellor until February but, please, when you can, see someone.
In the meantime, of course you're not over it yet. Betrayal is devastating. It takes a long time to process the pain.
What is your husband doing in terms of recommitting to you? Is he in therapy (or on a waitlist)? How does he understand what he did? He needs to focus on his own reckoning -- gaining an understanding as to what he was telling himself that somehow allowed him to do this. But your job is to focus on your healing. Reading (and posting) here can definitely help. Do you have someone in real life with whom you can confide? Are you taking care of yourself in terms of eating well, getting sleep, avoiding drugs/alcohol?
You will get through this, Lori. Whether or not your marriage survives will be up to you and your husband. But YOU will survive.
I'm a week post d-day. My husband has screwed my best friend - twice. Once, four years ago, the three of us had a drunken threesome (judge away) and as I was very drunk, I left the room, went upstairs, vomited and went to bed. They took this as carte blanche to fuck each other 4 years later - twice. We went out for dinner (the three of us) last Friday and as usual, I went to bed earlier than them (I'm a morning person and it was about 12:45am). I went to the bathroom upstairs and felt sure I heard a moan. I convinced myself that I was wrong because there's no way that my friend of 30 years and my husband of 15 (but we've been together for 23 years) would do this to me. I simmered the next day and then the day after, I asked him to tell me straight if he'd slept with her. He looked panicked and said yes. Apparently, that night 4 years ago was their go ahead to do it whenever they liked and they did so, twice (ha, sure). I have told them both that they sicken me, that they made up this fiction in their heads to continue to screw each other. They are both apparently very very sorry and there was clearly a misunderstanding. My husband actually said 'it takes two to tango', implying that I should be cross at my friend too (which I am!) but I told him that it takes one to say 'stop, what the hell are we doing'. I'm numb. I can't eat, I can barely focus at work. I'm just focussed on our 2 children having normal lives. I don't know what to do. They are both so sorry and love me and it will never happen again but a betrayal as big as this one? I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
ReplyDelete