The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Hi everyone, Thanks Elle for this blog.I'm Brazilian and my husband is German. We met each other in Vancouver in 2002. We are married since 2005 and at the moment we live in Germany. I really need some help. I'm going through a very difficult phase of my process of healing and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm suffering so much and I can't anymore. Sometimes I just want to die. I cannot handle this pain anymore.My D-day was in April 2015. I found out that my husband had an affair with a co-worker, who also pretended to be my friend, when we lived in Mexico (from 2010 to 2012). It was a huge shock for me because I thought my husband was different and at the beginning he really was. When I met him he was 26 years old and he was still a virgin!!! He was really crazy about me; sometimes he was even too much!!! I think that is why I didn't give him the attention he deserved.So, in March 2010 he was transferred from Canada to Mexico and while he was arranging everything there for us to go I went to Brazil with our both kids (3 years old and 2 months old) to be at my parents and wait everything to be arranged. I was really naive to do it this way. So he started with the whole crap!!!! He went out with a group and I found out (only last year) he kissed a girl. I notice that he was different with me when we finally arrived in Mexico, but I could never imagine that. So in 2011 he started an affair with a woman, the one who was pretending to be my friend. I could never imagine that because I trusted him and also because she was an ugly women. Now I know from inside as well. They had an affair for some months. I could not realize it because he was meeting her only once in every two weeks. So in 2012 we came back to Germany. They started to talk via WhatsApp and it lasted 3 years. She used to send him videos and photos of her pussy. I found this conversation and I have to say it was disgusting. This woman has no self-respect. She did everything she could to take my husband from me.Last year in April they he had a brilliant idea of going to Mexico to spend 10 days with the OW in a resort and he thought I would never found out. He told me he had to go to US and after that to Mexico to work. In that time we were doing so good. We were getting along really well. And he screw things up.So I found out in the second day he was there already that he lied to me and instead of coming home he stayed there. He didn't want to face me. He was cold on the phone. He was not him. It was a real nightmare. My brother who was on vacation in England came to Germany to be with me as well my husband's brother who lives in Swiss. The whole family could not understand what he was still doing in Mexico. He didn't answer any call. So only after 6 days ( I lost around 16 pounds) he arrived at home and I told him that I would go back to Brazil with the kids to live there forever. My life was a chaos. I was living in a terrible nightmare. He was not doing much to keep us in Germany. He seemed he didn't care so much. So in May 2015 I went to Brazil with the kids. While I was in Brazil he was still acting really strange. He used to say that he regretted and that he wanted us back but at the same time he seemed that he didn't care at all we were there and also I could feel that he was still talking to the OW. I was completely unhappy in Brazil. I couldn't sleep at all, not even with very strong medicines. The kids were suffering a lot and they were asking me the whole time to go back to Germany. The older one once asked me why his dad didn't love him anymore. It was really difficult. (To be continued…)
(PART #2) So in July 2015 my husband decided to go to Brazil to talk to me and see if it would still work out between us. When he arrived it was really strange, but little by little I realized that I just want my family back. So we decided to try it. In September we came back to Germany and I found out in his cellphone a video of them having sex in our bed!!!!! He is so stupid that he gives me the PIN number from his cellphone but didn't erase the things. In this video you see her lying in my bed naked. You cannot see his face "only" his dick inside of her pussy. Yes, she came to Germany in June 2015, she had a meeting in another city and after that she had some days off and she dared to stay in my house for 3 days!!!! I can't take this video out of my head. I saw the dick of my husband inside of her ugly pussy and without condom!!!! I was and I'm still devastated and I didn't know what to do. I know we were not together during the time she was here, but in our house, in our bed, it was too much!!! He had no limits at all. After that I did a check-up and thank God everything was fine.I got really crazy after I found the video and he cried I lot and he said: "I know I have done a lot of crap to you but I realized that I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. I cannot erase the past but I promise you that I will make you the happiest women in the word". He meant he had an affair because I treated him really bad. According him as a slave. Also he said that something was missing because he hadn't had any experience before me and he wanted to have it to see how it was. Great, or?He said that the sex with her was really boring and that she didn't do oral sex neither liked to change positions. He also said that it was never about sex it was about how he was feeling with her. He was feeling powerful. He said it was a great feeling that it was like a drug he couldn't stop. We started with couple therapy, which didn't help at all the German therapist was unbelievable. She was on his side. I have started my therapy in Brazil and I'm still doing it via Skype 2 x week. Since he went to Brazil to pick us up he has changed a lot. He is another man. He gives me so much attention, he cares about me, he does everything he can to make me happy, he gave me a list with his PIN numbers from everything he has( Facebook, Link-in, emails, games, bank accounts...) he also said that I could take his cellphone anytime to check anything I want. He said no more lies. The thing is, I don't know why I'm getting really sad again. I believe it started in April this year. I think it reminded me of what I was passing through last year. I hate him so much sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to be with him anymore but in the other hand I don't want him to be with anybody else. Sometimes I hate him so much that I want to break the whole house and hit him. Even though he is great now, I can't get over it. I can't forgive him for what he has done to me and the kids. I thought that it would get better, but it is getting worst!!! How??? Sometimes I feel so disgusted when he touches me, when he kisses me and in the middle of the sex always come the stupid video in my head, her face, the way he tricked me, the way how she was treating me as a friend. She was so nice to me. I hate her so much!!! Everything is like a movie in my head. I think about it every day the whole day. I'm so tired!!!I don't think I will be able to get over it at all. I don't want to live anymore. He destroyed our family, my dreams. My pain is like if I had lost someone, but it is crazy because "this someone" is alive. Sometimes I just wish him had died instead of had done this to me.
Rafa FernandesI'm so sorry for what you have been through and the emotions you are still dealing with! I'm going to start with your last few lines. The man you fell in love with and married and have two children with 'died' the minute he chose to step out of the vows he made to you! Just like me and so many others here we have had to realize that the h we have is a lying cheating asshole! They don't realize that they love us until we are about to walk out the door forever! Some of us have husbands that truly change from the mistakes that they made and the poor choice for different sex. Depending upon which kind of husband you are living with you can get to a better place and survive this to have a better marriage but it takes a lot of hard work on both partners and the desire to repair the damage! I'm glad you have a therapist and I hope you can give yourself the time to first accept that this has happened and then you have to decide if he's worth rebuilding a future with. I'm almost at the third year but because the crazy ow my h had his affair with contacted him just three months ago and of course I am dealing with triggers again! It sounds like the way I felt when I learned that 'she' lived in our house and had the most passionate sex in our bed! I had those videos in my head for months on end! I was lucky enough to be able to renovate our entire house and I know that's not possible for everyone but you can change out the bed and rearrange the rooms! I'm hoping you are taking care of you because I too know how the betrayal diet works and I'm just now getting back to a better way of eating and exercising! It's hard! Each day is a new day and I have to make a big effort to get through it and I have finally begun to find my happy place again! I thought this would be impossible in the first year and at times I wanted to just pack up and run away! But I still love the jerk and thanks to the changes I've seen for the better each day the struggle gets a little bit better! I call it taking baby steps and it's a slow but steady way to a better together marriage! I'm sending hugs to you and I will also say that the advice I've found on this blog gets me through some very dark and painful days!
Hi Theresa,Thank you very much for your answer. It was very kind of you.Today I talked to my psychologist and she asked me to go back to my psychiatrist and maybe to restart taking medicine again. I didn't want to take them anymore but since I have stopped with them I am feeling worst everyday. So I have an appointment next Thursday.As soon as I found out the OW was in my house my husband painted our room, change the positions from the wardrobe, threw away the bed sheets etc. it helped a lot but anyways it is very hard. I'm taking care of myself. I have lost 44 pounds since February 2015. Before everything has happened I was really unhappy. I knew something was wrong with my marriege I just had no clue what it could be. I got so fat after my second baby. I was feeling like an old lady even though I was 34. I even didn't like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. But now it is different. I like what I see. I have learned with this whole crap that I can not "forget" about myself!!! Thanks again for the message. I hope all the best for you as well!!!
Rafa,I'm so sorry for all you've gone through and for the pain you're in but glad that you found us. You have been traumatized. The trauma of his refusal to speak with you when he was in Mexico, the trauma of the video, the trauma of taking two young children to Brazil while he carried on in your home, ON TOP OF THE TRAUMA OF THE AFFAIR!!! You have been through hell so it's not at all surprising that you're in pain, especially now that you're attempting to rebuild your marriage.It takes a long time to heal from betrayal. And your husband has made it very difficult for you to even begin to trust him again. He compounded the first betrayal with many others, consistently ignoring your pain so that he could continue with his affair. No therapist should ever even imply that his affair is your responsibility. No matter how horrible your marriage may or may not have been...the choice to cheat is COMPLETELY his. The choice to continue when you begged him to return home is COMPLETELY his. So please please know that he must take full responsibility for the choices he made. And I hope he's doing some hard work on himself to figure out just why he risked losing everything that matters for a woman who didn't.Medication can certainly help you through the darkest days. And your days sound pretty dark. You don't have to be on it forever but given your comment re. wishing you were dead, you need to stabilize your emotions as much as possible. However much pain you're in, you've got two wonderful children who need you. Rafa, you get to set the parameters for reconciliation. Your healing is the most important thing. Figure out what you will and won't do right now. Perhaps intimacy with your husband is simply too much right now. Perhaps you need post-trauma therapy to help you get past the deep pain of the video. Whatever it is, YOU get to decide what happens going forward.
Dear RafaI am sorry for all you are going through and the pain and overwhelming emotions you are trying to process. We are here for you. Infedelity is very very traumatic and often times we really experience it as a traumatic event in our lives. It sounds like to me you may be experience some PTSD symptoms which is not uncommon with Infedelity and can get worse with time not better. It may be help for you to either work with your counselor or find a counselor who has worked with trauma and PTSD. I did some trauma work and it was helpful. I also really struggled with the mind movies / visions especially at night. For me, guided meditation was a life saver!! It helped relax and stay in the present moment instead of slogging through past pain or future fear. I really like the free app Insight Timer for guided meditations and there are lots of good web sites. I also I had a lot of pain and grief that felt like something had died. I did grieve for my marriage that had died - some days I still do. I loved my H and my marriage and was not at all prepared to have them so violently taken away (figuratively). It felt like something had died. But, it is possible for a new marriage, a repaired marriage, and healing to be born in its place. It is very painful to go through death and transform to life again. Me and my H are still very much on the journey, but we are making progress. I know it is hard, but be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. It is ok to go slow and just breath. Sometimes we can not see the path and we move slowly through the pain and trust we will find our way. There are so many women on this site who can offer support and advice and help hold pain when it become too much. You are not aloneWith love Becky.
Hi Becky,Thanks for the attention. It was so sweet of you!!!After your message I talked again to my psychologist about PTSD. She already talked about it with me but I always denied it, but today I started thinking that it can be a reason why I'm not getting better. On Thursday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and I will talk about it. Thanks again!I will give a look in the app you suggested. It might help me. I really need to do something to relax. I have been very stressed. What also helped me a lot was to watch the fim "The Secret".Your words gave me hope!!! It is good to know that I'm not alone.
Whoops...just read this. I'm with Becky re. the PTSD. Treating the pain of betrayal as post-traumatic stress can produce amazing results. It IS trauma.
I agree. When I was in it I could not recognize it but as I moved along it became clear I did have ptsd symptoms. It was a major traumatic event for me as it is for all of us and I fell apart. All I could do was to wander through my days the best I could doing the bare minimum. But what hit me was the triggers and other things. I had panic attacks. It was very hard and luckily my husband was willing to listen and talk me through it. It was really hard for both of us but he was the only one I could go to and in a way I am glad he saw what I experienced vs depending on someone else. In time that has disappated and I am now much better at working through any feelings. For me music was key. I slept with my headphones next to me and would play music anytime I had an issue.
Rafa, I'm sorry for all your experiencing right now, I'm trying to think of things I have done to relieve some stress, having a massage really really helped in fact so much so I cried my eyes out the whole time (poor beauty therapist), The power of touch when your hurt can be extremely valuable.... Meeting a friend who knows nothing of the affair so you can gossip the whole time about anything is also a distraction. .. Sadly The reality is you will be spending alot of time playing the mind movies and trying to process your new normal, just try to give yourself breaks in between to find some light some love.... Being with my children is the best medicine for me, seeing their innocence their vulnerabilities their dependence on me.., Rafa although it may not feel like it now you are doing everything you can to heal ... Take your time and feel the emotions as they come.... I find when I'm angry I can't be sad, as soon as I get through the anger the tears fall... It's an absolute roller coaster and I'm sorry another woman has had to join the ride... We're here for you every step of the way... Big hugs Rafa xxxx
Hi girls,I'm so thankful for the whole support from you all. This blog and you have changed a lot my healing process in a positive way. You have no idea how important it was for me. Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist (thanks to you guys) and I have started today a medicine (a mood stabilizer). I also called a couple therapist and I got an appointment for the next Wednesday. My psychiatrist said that in these cases (betrayal) she prefers a male therapist. So I will try it. I hope it will work out. My experience with a female German therapist was really bad. She was really bad and made me feel worst. Also the problem is that my husband is not talking about his feelings it is really difficult for him. He doesn't show emotions very easy. Even the therapist before told him that it was really difficult to evaluate him or if he liked the therapy because he is not talking much. My biggest problem is not being able to take the OW out of my head. I hate her so much!!! She works in the HR department from the company my husband used to work and she was the one who supported us when we first moved to Mexico. She was so nice to me and to our kids. She is 5 years older than me (now I'm 35) very short, she looks like a typical Mexican. She is not a beautiful woman (it was my big mistake I thought my husband would never see her as a woman) but she was always very nice to everybody. Actually she was the person from his company I used to like the most!!! When I left Mexico she even wrote me via Facebook: „Know that you have a friend in Mexico and whatever you need just give me a call because that is what friends are doing". And I wrote her: " I hope that the new company from my husband are having the HR as good as the one in Mexico". I hate myself I wrote it. How stupid I was. Probably she was laughing a lot at me!!! I hate myself for not having realized it earlier. I was double betrayed. And you know sometimes I think of not leaving my husband only for her not to "win" because she tried it for so long to take him away from me and she could not do it. He told me that he would never do it because she is not a woman to have something serious with. When he says it I want to kill him. How come he risked his family for this type of woman??? My husband is really doing a lot for me to forgive him. He has changed so much. He says that he was such an idiot and that to have an affair was such a stupid decision but it was like a drug that he could not stop with it. He was feeling powerful. How can somebody feel powerful being such a jerk? Now I see him suffering a lot. Especially when he sees that the kids are sad. Last Saturday he cried a lot and asked me to give him a chance for him to make me happy again.I feel that I'm in a jail. I just would like to have the feeling of freedom back. I didn't want to go to a restaurant look at the couples and think if they were already unfaithful with each other or look at my husband and hate him because of what he did. Or when he kisses me and most of the times when we have sex I feel disgusted. It is like that he is not clean anymore. I feel like my marriage is not a marriage anymore. I always believe that a betrayal was the end of a relationship and now here I am...Our kids know most of the things. They heard me at the beginning when I didn't have any control and then later I explained them with the help of a psychologist. They had to understand why we were going to live in Brazil.I still cry very often and this week my older son saw me crying (he is 9) and one day latter he asked me why I could not forgive his father if he could. He said to me that the bad things should be in the past and that he wanted to have his happy family back!!! It broke my heart!!! I will give my marriage a chance, my kids and I deserve it!!!I wish you all the best!!!
Rafa,So much of what you describe was my experience too. But you're doing everything you can to heal from this. Now...it comes down to letting all these new practices (therapy, etc.) take root. And when you have a negative thought about yourself (feeling "stupid" for liking the OW), reframe it. You weren't "stupid" for liking someone who was kind to your family. You were open-hearted. SHE was deceptive and manipulative. You sound like a wonderful mom. Continue to let your kids express their own pain to you and reassure them that, just because you're hurting yourself, THEY are safe. I told my kids that even moms and dads sometimes hurt each other badly but that we were doing everything we could to rebuild our marriage. I think it's good for kids to see parents working hard together. Relationships are hard work and I wish more people realized that. As for the mind movies, etc., again...give yourself time. Try and replace the thoughts with reframed thoughts. I used to remind myself of my husband's self-disgust whenever I imagined something "sexy". I would replace that thought with my husband's wish that none of it had ever happened. Or picture a stop sign. That works too.
Rafa I know what you are living through at the moment and it's not an easy place to be! The best advice I got from the blog was to use a stop sign in my mind to stop the videos and luckily for me I can see one at the end of the street right out of the window! That video does not belong in your present life and until you can cut it out and flush it down the toilet, the longer it will haunt you! I also spent time listening to music as I tore up cardboard boxes for the recycling center! It was nonsense work but kept my mind from dwelling on the little details that she tried to say were more important than the things my h was trying to prove to me! You just need to slow down and take a deep breath and with time and the therapist you will find the answers you are seeking! Group hug from all of us here!
Hey Elle,I can tell a lot of women come here for support...I stumbled upon your blog last week, feeling continually isolated for the last year since I found out my partner had cheated. I was overcome with relief, finally having my feelings validated, as I feel as though I am on my journey alone. My partner gave me an ultimatum back in February. He threatened to leave me if I didn't find a way to move on. I struggled with the OW and believing the recount of the affair. I was lied to even after I initially found out about their history. He attempted to downplay everything, giving me as little information as possible, lying about the timeframe and frequency. When everything supposedly came out, I still felt like I didn't understand what really happened. I tried asking for more details, and he offered none. Anyway, after this ultimatum was given, I still suffer but now have no line of communication with my partner. All this aside, we are perfectly in love. I just don't know how to cope with my unrelenting sense that I'm not being told the whole story, that my partner will never tell me the whole story, and that if I were to ask the OW about it, I would destroy my relationship. I need answers, but have no way to get them without wrecking everything. I feel like I'm trapped...there seems to be no solution but repression. Do you think it is ever ok to message the OW? It's the only way I can verify his word, but I feel like I would be opening a can of worms. I read the article about fear vs. intuition...I trust my intuition and it is what revealed the greater story of his affair...similar to your own story. I have weighed this decision every day for the last year and I just need resolve. Any words of wisdom you have would be infinitely appreciated. Thank you so much.
I personally don't think it's ever a good idea to be in contact with the ow! How could you trust the word of someone willing to sleep with a married man! In our case she spent six months describing the love and passion of their affair trying to get my h to just meet her one more time! I've heard others here say they couldn't move forward until they did confront the ow! Only you can decide but just realize that she may be bitter and ad details that could hurt you deeper! Hugs
Anonymous,I'm so glad you found us too. It's crucial to have a sense of community as you go through the agony of betrayal. And a place to check in with your thoughts and feelings to be assured that, yes, this is "normal" under the circumstances.I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I'm going to challenge you on your statement that, apart from the fact that your husband issues ultimatums dictating what you can or cannot speak about (such as the incredible pain he's caused you), "we are perfectly in love." Anonymous, nobody who is "perfectly in love" tries to silence the other's pain. He is telling you, with his ultimatum, that his comfort is more important than yours. Which is akin to someone running over another person in a car but telling the victim to essentially shut up because hearing about the injuries makes the driver feel bad. Surely the victim should be over it, right?? Ugh...no. Betrayal takes YEARS to get past. And even then, you either need a partner who's willing to take full responsibility for the pain he's caused or you need to get out. In the literally, thousands and thousands of letters I get posted to this site, I have yet to hear of someone happily rebuilding a marriage with someone who won't let them speak of their own pain. That's not a healthy marriage. Anonymous, he is showing you who he is: Someone willing to betray you and then dictate to you what you can and cannot know about his betrayal. He is making it clear that your healing is YOUR problem, not his, despite the fact that he created your pain. If speaking up "wrecks everything", then your marriage is built on sand. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this is exactly the kind of guy that makes my blood boil. He betrays YOU and then HE decides the terms of reconciliation. Wrong. The fact that you are giving him a second chance is an incredible gift and he should be down on his knees thanking the heavens that you haven't tossed his ass into the streets. If he's not willing to do the incredibly hard work of rebuilding a marriage based on honesty and transparency and mutual respect, then I'm sorry to say the prognosis for its success isn't good.Of course you need answers. We all need answers. An affair is like a slammed door in our face and a huge part of healing from it is having that door opened so we can see what it was all about. His refusal to allow that is the problem...not whether or not you should contact the OW (which is a tough question. You might get answers -- though what will you do with them if you discover there was a lot more than you thought or that he told you, which is a distinct possibility? Or you might get total lies. After all, this is a woman who cheated with a married man. Either way...brace yourself.).
The problem is they always hold all the cards. While having the affair they lie and cheat and spend months living a secret life, then when they've been found out, they know they can say or not say what ever they want. After all the only other person that knows the truth is the OW and even if you go and ask her she'll probably also lie. Minimise, no, can't remember, I've forgotten all about it, she meant nothing to me, she could have been anyone, it just happened. 3 years 2 months.. I'm sick of it. Sick of his little fun. He's thrown a good marriage away.
My husband says that the other woman has won because i obsess about her, why are you STILL mentioning her he says, i never even think about her. I am mentioning her because she was part of my life for 5 years!!! She doesnt even know me i havent met her but she was in my life for all that time. Jane i am sick of it too i wonder if i shouldn't have just called it a day. I too am told not to speak about it and i too was told little snippets here and there, oh i cannot remember i dont know the dates. i know you wanted to do it and carried out doing it until you were found out yet again. i didnt believe how life changing this could be. I look at him and think who the hell are you. You do feel like you need answers but i think whats the point more heartache so perhaps just accept it and move on. big hugs
Jane and Jilly,That's the thing that these guys just can't get through their heads. We obsess largely because we have so little information. We're desperate to understand what the affair looked like, how often, where, what was said. So much of healing is, as one marriage counsellor put it, closing the door to the affair partner and opening a window for the spouse. We need to be able to look in that window and get the information we need. Only then can many of us move past it. Otherwise, it's like this shadow that looms over everything. What's more, there's resentment when the person who donated the bomb refuses to help clean up the mess, insisting that we need to just "move on". At some point, absolutely we need to "move on" but that's up to US to decide, not them.
I struggled with this a lot. My husband minimized what he told me both to save me and himself from what he saw as unneeded pain. He knew it was his fault and didn't think telling me the truth would be helpful. Well he should have known based on being in the mental health profession but he did not. He was in damage control mode. He has already stopped the affairs when dday hit for us so that helped. But it was hard. I felt he was holding back details. What he was telling me was not adding up and not just logical since none of this is to a non cheating person. However I just knew there had to be more to the story. So I pressed him and I would not back down. He finally told me some major information mainly focused on when this started and how long one affair lasted. Well I knew he must be lying about the other one but he just kept glossing over it. Well I knew there was more to it. But these both lasted 10 years at the same time. Phone records were gone except for the past 18 months which was not that helpful since he ended them a year before dday. So I went though my journals and thought long and hard about what I needed to know. I talked a lot with my therapist which helped a lot. I narrowed down what I really needed to know, I tend to want every detail and bombard him. If I could have my way I would get 10 years worth of calendars and copies of every text and email... But not possible. So I worked through what I needed to know. I wrote my husband a very emotional letter saying that I need him to be honest. I used the line I would rather be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. And I think the letter helped. He saw how serious I was. I went through my very detailed questions and he answered the best he could. Yes not in full detail I would have liked but I could tell he was giving me every detail he could. We had several other conversations over the next few months after that not so much about details but it shifted after that conversation more to what did it mean to him. I know everyone is different but my therapist helped me a ton and also just being really direct and level headed worked best for me.
Thank you Elle for the reply. You are right resentment sets in i feel cross with him alot of the time. I know the affair is finished but hate being treated like a fool. Jane i feel like i hate him some days and yes there is a cloud hanging over my head i just cannot move on. Hopeful thank you too. Perhaps i need to speak to a therapist again, i have tried three!!
Jilly55,Your comment that you hate being treated like a fool is a big part of your resentment, no doubt. He's treating you like a child. He's determining what you do and don't know about your marriage. It's completely demeaning and it needs to be turned completely around. YOU get to decide what you do and don't know. If he can't or won't, then YOU get to decide whether he's worth giving a second chance. What is the problem with the three therapists? I'm curious to know why none have been a good fit.
Hi Elle. Thank you for your reply. The first two therapists didn't say anything at all to help just sat and listened and i was in such a state i was really too emotional to speak to them i think it was too soon. The third saw my husband and me separately, he was a hypnotist as well as a theapist??? I was told by my husband that when asking questions i was being confrontational and accusing the therapist told me i had to keep calm when speaking to my H. The therapist also asked me why i needed to know more information about what had happened and that i needed to stop stressing and mentioning it to my husband. My H is fine when nothing is mentioned about it but if i mention it his attitude changes depending on how i say things??? What do you think about it? He blames everything on the OW it was all her fault but tells me how he really liked her and how he loved talking to her how much fun she was etc etc. It is one year next week since i found at for the second time that he was still contacting her this time was too much. They were also sending each other intimate photographs which my H said was just fun and flirtatious. He plays everything down as if it was all nothing. I am sure you Ladies know this one. Thank you big hugs
It sounds like you did not find a great therapist for your needs. My husband is a mental health professional and he was not interested in going with me and I know the reasons why. In the end I think it was good since it was something just for me. I never had to worry about what was he thinking about seeing us together or seeing us separately. It was like I had a soundIng board and someone I could and did tell anything on my mind with no judgement just caring for what was best for me. I was very detailed in my research and partly due to my husband's profession I know there are many therapist who are not good and then there is just the factor if the person is a good fit for you. My husband wanted to to be someone who was licensed and my focus was finding someone who their practice was foducsed on marital therapy and also betrayal. And I wanted someone that was pro marriage since that is a major issue in choosing a therapist. I found the therapists websites helpful. I also wanted someone who was professional and not overly gushy or emotional. Some therapist based on their webpage and fb page were just not right for me. I wanted someone trained at a top four year university with strong internship and real life practice. I got really lucky with who I found. I travelled over an hour each way and it was worth it. But the best part like I said is it was a place when I felt most vulnerable that I could say what I needed to. Also for me he was a great help in what to talk with my husband about. I am someone who has a million thoughts at a time and could rant for an hour. Not in a mean or mad way but my mind is moving a million miles a minute on any topic but the affairs sent me over the edge. Well that just did not create an environment for me to get any answers or forward progress. So each week/month we talked about how I was and what was going on, if something was bothering me etc. Based on those conversations I had more confidence and felt focused when speaking with my husband. It gave me clarity I could not find on my own. It is all so hard but for me this website and my therapist really helped guide me.
I was with my husband for 8 and a half years before we got married. Right after the wedding he grew distant and suddenly had to work more. I didn't think much of it since it happens sometimes. In July of 2014 6 months into our marriage I found a movie stub for 2 for another state. I checked the phone records and saw this number hundreds of times.Then I saw the text messages when he was in the shower. I was pregnant with baby 2 at the time and I started to miscarry and called him. He told me he was too busy and I miscarried alone. I confronted him after and he said he didn't love me. I moved out and he flipped. He moved in with the other woman for 6 months. When he saw how happy I was he started coming around more and more and I ignored him. I got a call from the other woman saying he keeps calling me you and he wants you back. I decided to try and make it work after I did counseling. It went well and I became pregnant with baby T in December 2014. I had her in September 2015. A month after I find sexts and naked pics of another woman. I screamed and yelled and moved out of our new house. I moved back a few weeks later since outle oldest was unhappy and I was traveling 2 plus hours to get her to school each way since we were staying somewhere that didn't allow school age kids. We were basically roommates and I started seeing someone. (That one is stalking me now but another story). I was miserable but continued therapy. I decided one more try before divorce and things are ok. I keep lashing out and saying hurtful things. Yesterday was the day I found out about other woman 1. Other woman 2 keeps contacting him and he blocks the numbers and she calls from new ones. I'm present and hear him tell her to leave him alone.I feel like I keep being triggered and I don't know how to get past the anger and hurt I feel sometimes. He says my depression caused hi to be depressed and these women came on to him and gave him attention. My priority the second time was my newborn. I still don't want to get out of bed on trigger days. I don't know where to go from here.NW
NEI'm so sorry for the pain you are in! I can't imagine how difficult it is to have a newborn and be dealing with the fallout! You are continuing to be triggered by her contact! I know I was and to some degree still can be as she reached out to my h again this past March. I'm slowly getting better from that but I still have some anxiety so I know how you feel! I know also that until all contact stops, you can't move forward with the healing process. It's tough going even when you don't have the ow slithering back into your life! I'm not sure if your situation is as bad as ours was but my h had to file harrassment charges last year and even with a no contact order she still tried to reach out to meet him twice. In March she had to go back before the judge and be reminded but I don't think we've heard the last from our crazy ow. I'm so sorry that the ow continues to intrude into your world. I'm not sure how to advise you other than ignore her until she tires from the neglect of a response. Then stop and take care of you! It's critical to make sure you are getting back to a better eating and sleeping routine for both you and your children! Hugs for what I know is a horrible way to be living!
My h is as sympathetic as can be. I know there's no contact. I'm positive she's doing it just to try and cause friction and make it so he comes running back to her.She has 2 kids if her own she would be worried about. I'm doing much better eating and eating much healthier. I finally started sleeping again too! I've taken up bike riding and walking to get some peace and clear my mind. I live in a wildlife refuge and I'm surrounded by farms so it's pretty peaceful. Hopefully she got the hint but I will take it further if I need to.Just reading the stories here is giving me a sense of I'm not alone and that's comforting. Baby is 10 months old now so she's starting to walk. Both girls are giving me so much strength and happiness.
I was in complete shock when I found out. There were no "warning signs". Even in hindsight. We had sex twice a week. We laughed, talked, RARELY fought. We were FINALLY going to get married next october after 10 years and 4 kids. Then he got caught. It was actually a lie about something else that didn't sit right with me. Something in my gut told me to look in his phone. So I did. For the first time in 10 years, I did. Then I found it "hi beautiful". Something he texted me every morning. He was saying to her. I could feel my body instantly become hot. My entire body shook as I slapped him awake. He admitted, never denied any of it. I didn't care. I only saw red. What I fool I was trying on dress after dress looking for the one that would make his face light up as I finally became his wife. All the whIle he was at home video chatting with that b*tch that would ask for pictures of my kids? What kind of woman does that?!? So now it's 2 weeks into the big reveal and I'm struggling. Struggling with just trying to function and take care of our kids. Trying not to have a COMPLETE breakdown before our first therapy session on Wednesday.
Nikki.kI'm so sorry you are here, but so glad you did! This is the most healing and honest blog you will ever find!You are not the first to be completely blindsided! And sadly you will never be the last ... That said I just wish words could hug the hurt you and I know so well. Not to mention all the others that came before us! Just so you know about all our husbands said the same thing to their other women. That's the only way they can keep us in the dark so to speak while they're having the affair! And then when they wake up and realize everything that makes them happy is about to disappear suddenly they need you to understand and forgive and forget about the shitshow they themselves caused! Non of us saw warning signs much either! Doesn't matter if we did we could not then nor now control that and their choice! But what you and I and the other wonderful women here can do is make our own choices each day going forward! I'm so sorry for the journey I know you are on! Hugs!
Nikki,So sorry. Your post was really raw for me. Esp the part about the kids photos. Ugh -- I know, such a huge violation. My children, my hearts, used as props in my H's ego-boosting fantasy life. I don't care that the OWs said my kids were adorable and brilliant -- no shit, they're mine. I don't seek affirmation of their beauty from anyone -- esp a low-life skank. WTF. Seriously, of all of it -- and there is plenty -- I think I hate this the most. Glad you have a therapy session scheduled. If this counselor isn't the right fit, keep working until you find one that is, for yourself and/or as a couple. A good counselor is worth their weight in gold x10.Hang in there -- it will get better. And if you have a "complete" breakdown in the meantime, so be it. It happens. Just don't do anything that could land you in jail or hurt your relationship with your children -- as far as I was concerned, all else was fair game and over a year later I'm still standing. You will be too. Hugs.
Hello. Please forgive me for how long this is going to be.I've been reading for a couple of weeks, and I have to thank you ladies for your honesty, kindness, and humor. Without you I don't think I could even be calm enough to type this. I first found out (D-day #1, damn it) on December 5, 2015, when the OW contacted me on Facebook. It wasn't her fault; he met her on Tinder, lied to her and told her he was single, courted her. It culminated on the night of Dec. 4 when he went to her house, fucked her twice, took a shower and left, claiming his babysitter had cancelled. She smelled a rat, looked him up on facebook, found me and contacted me immediately. She didn't explicitly tell me that they'd had sex (I wouldn't find that out until D-day #2) but did tell me that his shower had tripped her instincts. I confronted him immediately, and of course he deny, deny, denied, until I pointed out that she knew details about our lives including the name of his ex-wife, where he was stationed when he was a Marine, etc. Finally he said, yes, he was so sorry, he'd gone to her house but that was all that happened, that he was so relieved to find that he could walk up to the line but not cross it, and now that he saw how devastated I was, how terribly he'd hurt me, he could never ever do such a thing again. He said that it was a one time thing, and to prove it, he gave me the passcodes to his laptop and phone. He said he'd do anything to keep us together, to make sure I knew how very much he loved me. He offered to cancel the upcoming move we were about to make to a new city (the city that coincidentally housed the OW), whatever I wanted.What I wanted was to believe him. So I never contacted the OW back, a fact I managed to feel guilty about, because she had stuck her neck out for me and I hadn't even said thank you. But I felt that to be in touch, to ask her questions, was to betray him somehow. That if I said I believed him, I should just believe him, that somehow to follow up like the police would be dishonorable. That lasted 4 months. I struggled, God knows. It broke something in me that he would look outside our happy partnership. We were best friends, great lovers, willing partners in raising our children (his from his previous marriage), building our life together. I was so happy. I trusted and loved him so much. Those four months, the light went out of the world. I went on. It was Christmas, and we have 4 young children. There was a move to handle, new jobs and schools. What choice was there but to go on? But it broke me finally, and in April I knew there was something wrong. I could feel him turn away from me, lose focus on our life as I had felt in December (and previously, though I had never known what to call those times). I opened his laptop and his search history. There was porn, so much porn. But more frighteningly, dozens of Craigslist personal ads, most of them couples looking for a third or women either wanting something outside their marriage or just something no-strings-attached. There were searches about STDS. Again, I went to him right away. He seemed so open. He was embarrassed, he said, when I apologized for snooping, but not angry. I had every right. He said that he liked to look at Craigslist as a warm up to porn, that it was like foreplay, it set the scene. And he said that the STD searches were just morbid curiosity.
I accepted it, mostly because he was so calm, whereas he usually yells at me and denies things when I bring them to his attention. And, of course, because I wanted it to be the truth.But something was up and I couldn't let it go. I kept digging and digging and I found a bunch of pictures, pictures of naked women's bodies with phone numbers attached, forwarded from his iphone to his email in the middle of the night. I found dating sites with sign up days mere days after our own relationship deepened, after our first I love yous. I found craigslist exchanges (in which he asked to meet and sent naked pictures of himself) that began the day I moved in with him, on my birthday. This spanned years. Our entire relationship, every single day, was tainted by this. I forwarded the numbers that I found with the pictures to myself. I thought that they were results of his "picture trading" activities on Craigslist. I assumed he kept them for his "personal time" and kept the numbers in case he wanted to trade more in the future. And there was a part of me that needed to horde evidence, because he always denied things until I could unequivocally prove them. Then finally, two weeks ago, I heard from December's facebook woman again. She told me that she'd been seeing his profile on Tinder again on and off. And so, because there she was, reaching out and available, I asked. Oh honey, she said. Yes. Yes, of course they'd had sex, though she was so sorry now and would never have done that if she'd known. She was kind to me. She told me to dump his ass and never look back. When I told him, he said she was crazy, a facebook stalker, that he hadn't been on Tinder. Hadn't I had his passcode? Hadn't he shown me that it wasn't on his phone? And then he looked in MY email and realized I had those numbers, as well as all my correspondence with the December woman saved. He deleted it all. And that was when I knew. Of course I'd backed it up. This was a man who liked to gaslight me, who would have me think I was crazy! So I texted every one of those numbers, just as polite and apologetic as I could. And every one texted back. Yes, they'd met on Tinder. So very sorry, he said he was single. And two confirmed sex. I blocked his car into the driveway with mine and locked him into our bedroom, because I knew he'd try to flee once he knew he was caught. And I told him that I was leaving, that I'd arranged a place to go, but that for now, he would answer every question I had and listen to everything I had to say, because he OWED me. I told him that he had one chance to even attempt to save our relationship and that was to come clean now, come clean with every single thing, and that if I found even a whisper in the past, present or future of something he hadn't admitted with his lying mouth that I would kick him out immediately. According to him, there were 5, and I count them on my fingers like a rosary. Their names are burned on my heart. They've spanned our relationship, but there were 3 in April, more if you count those he dated but did not fuck (confirmed by them; I don't trust anything he tells me anymore). I told him that if he wanted a chance, he would arrange and pay for couples counselling immediately, that he would submit to my surveillance of his digital life, that we would immediately and together be screened for STDS, that he would tell me anything I wanted to know. He got down onto his knees and begged me, he promised anything I wanted. Swore he loved me and had no idea what makes him do these awful things.
I assume now that we are dealing with the compulsive behavior of sex addiction. I am broken and furious and terrified. I had no idea that there was so much pain in the world. I don't want to leave him, that's the bald fact. I still love his lying, cheating ass. And we have built a home and a family together. I don't know how I could leave our children; I am their primary provider and caregiver. And I feel like I would be the one losing, in the end, my life, my home, my children, my dogs, my love... when he was the one who did something wrong. I want my life back, the one that I had before I knew. I know it's crazy, but sometimes I wish that woman had never told me, that I could be the person who loved her life, and who thought her partner was sometimes a bit of an insensitive flake, but a good man, a good partner, a good father. I don't know if we will make it. I only know how to keep breathing and to try not to drown. Thank you for being here with this wonderful site. I think I would honestly lose my mind if you ladies weren't here.
Alone and Hurting, I have SOOOO been where you are. I found years of deception, years of betrayal, years of gas lighting. There is no way to brace yourself for that level of pain.But...whether or not you make it as a couple, YOU will make it. Your husband's recovery will depend on his determination and willingness to completely come clean. In my husband's case, he'd become disgusted with himself. He hated himself. And he just didn't want to live like that any more. I knew that, even if I left, he would focus on his own recovery. That he wasn't doing it just for me but for himself. For his children. And while couples counselling is good (though I needed to wait awhile until he'd sought help for HIS problem before I was willing to look at OUR problems), you need a safe place to work through your own pain and to get clear on what you want and need going forward. Alone and Hurting, you are NOT alone. We've all been there and we know the devastating pain of betrayal. But so many of us are past the worst of it. Many many of us are able to look back with an acknowledgement that the pain took us somewhere else...somewhere good.In the meantime, we're here. And so are you. And you will get through this.
Alone and hurtingYour bravery in sharing your story touched my heart! When I first found this blog, I found a lifeline to keep my head above water. I'm so sorry for the pain I know you feel. When I learned the truth about my h affair. I couldn't see the man I married 38 years ago. He was so lost in his mid life crisis and I was in grief from losing my sister. When I finished grieving the loss of my marriage, with the strength I gleaned from these other brave women I have come to know only through the stories of their heartbreak, I began to for the first time in my life put me first. It was a slow process to let go of my pain, anger, and dissapointment in my h. It's also been a process for my h to see the true magnitude in the amount of pain three people endured just because he needed to try different sex. It always seems to me that most men think with the brain between their legs. I'm glad you're getting therapy! I'm glad you found strength to tell your story! Knowing you are not alone is what helped me walk the path I'm on today! I'm hopeful that you too will find the path easier if we all help you as you are helping others with your story! Stay strong! Hugs! We understand!
I could really use some advice. (Names changed)My husband, Dick, cheated on me with a married woman, Jane. This affair led to the separation and (soon To come) divorce of the other couple, Jane and Joe. Dick and I have been having problems. Joe called me and we met. I wasn't surprised by the news. I thought Dick and Jane were having an affair though I could prove it and Dickinson was adamant that there was no affair. After meeting with Joe, Dick fessed up and we decided to proceed with a divorce as well. Dick and Jane are still seeing each other. Joe and I have been talking because we can relate. Through our repeated contact, Joe and I are beginning to develop "feelings" or something for each other. Is this totally crazy? Am I totally insane for feeling and deep connection with Joe? I can't seem to find anything in any blog about others going through this type of thing. Im not sure what to do.
Anonymous,No, you're not crazy at all. You're finding comfort with someone who knows your pain better than just about anybody else.Just be careful that you don't confuse bonding over pain with romance. It can be tempting, of course, when our egos have been battered by betrayal, to seek assurance that we're desirable. But I would encourage you to take it slowly and build a genuine friendship that's based on more than pain.
This is a letter I wrote to the OW. I never sent it to her as I felt it would only give her satisfaction. I wrote this in my persoanl diary simply for myself and to get my feelings out..To The Woman Who Ruined My Life:I had as perfect of a life that you could hope for. I had a solid marriage, kids, beautiful home...until that day you decided to get my husband's phone number. You were not satisfied with your boring life and needed something exciting, so you stole my life. Your decision that day has altered my life forever. I no longer feel safe. Everything in my life, I was confident about. I dreamed of growing old with him, in our rocking chairs, playing with our grandchildren. But now, the man I thought loved me to the ends of the Earth, I can no longer trust or believe in. All that I thought was real, was a lie. My children will suffer the most. I grew up with no family, other than my mother, and swore I would give my kids a solid, stable home, with a mother and father. They had that until you came into our lives. Now, it depends on whether I have a decent day or a day that my fears and doubts creep in. You will never fully understand what you have done, but I can tell you it is the worst pain I have ever felt. You took a beautiful family and tore it apart, so you could have a little excitement in your life. Your husband believes all your lies and will never leave you for this. But I am a different person than your husband. I can't just push it inside and make believe it was just a friendship. I have tried so hard to do just that, but it still resurfaces. You destroyed the most precious thing in my life. My family. The family I dreamed of since I was a little girl and worked so hard to build. Not only that, but I will never be the same person I was before this. My faith in love and commitment and sense of self worth is gone. Before this, I was a feisty, opinionated woman, who was passionate about things going on in the world, justice, and whatever else got me all fired up. Now, I have no interest in anything. I have lost myself and don't know when or if I will ever get her back. My days use to be spent worrying about ballgames, getting ready for black Friday, or where we would go on vacation. Now, every morning I think of you. Who is she? What was it about her that stole his heart from me? What happened in those months? What did they talk about? What made him tell her he loved her? Did they sleep together? What inside jokes did they share?Everyday I think of the days of the past year. Where was I when they talked? Was I at our kids ballgame? Was I cooking supper for him to be ready when he got home? I think of the 4th of July and how you were right down from me, watching me and my kids, and I had no idea you existed. The weekend I spent with my husband at the lake, he was there physically, but his thoughts were with you. Our family vacation when he made love to me, then snuck off to talk to you because he couldn't stand to not talk to you for a week. This is the Hell I wake up to every morning. This is what I will live with the rest of my life. Just so you and he could have some excitement in your life. And all the while, you continue with your life as if nothing ever happened. Your husband believes in you, still loves you, and has taken you at your word. You continue on with your family in tact and your kids oblivious to what you have done. Meanwhile, my kids are to old to hide this from. They suffer the consequences of both your actions, as I do. Not sure from day to day, what may come of our family. You didn't just take my husband, you took my whole life.
Hazeleyes 11I'm so sorry for the pain I know you feel! I'm glad you were able to write out to her how you feel and also glad you didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much pain she caused you and your children because SHE is so selfish SHE doesn't care one wit about you. I don't know how far out you are on this path, but I know that getting the anger for her out of your system does help. I'm two months away from two years and even though it's been up and down and all around emotionally, together my h and I are building a new life. Not easy not always pretty but with much more honest and open sharing of our feelings. The good the bad and the ugly have all had their turn in our lives. We've taken many steps forward and just as many backwards but we're sure we still love each other so together we're moving on and looking forward to spending our lives one day at a time. Hugs for you to find the strength to get through one more day!
Hazeleyes,Your pain is palpable. I'm so sorry. Please continue to read here and post and get it out. I know it feels like "never" and "forever" when we're first experiencing the pain of betrayal but please know that these feelings do fade. We can find our joy again.
Hazeleyes, I know all too well about that pain. Reading your letter is like reading my own. It is identical. I never thought the man I loved more than anyone and had been married to for 23 years would have an affair with a married little girl who was 23 years old. Not my favorite number I must say. It hurts my heart that there are so many of us in this club. It hurts me that all of us with teenage children who suffer from the selfish acts our spouses commit. I am 4 years post D day and still every day it feels like the first day as my mind thinks about the things they did together. Husband, unfortunately, came clean about all of the nasty disgusting details about their sex life about 2.5 years ago. It was like I had started all over again with the pain. I think about his old 50 year old self on top of that 23 year old child girl.It makes me sick when our oldest was almost 19 at the time. It has affected my job, my life, everything!!! I am sorry you have had to go through the same!!!
Today is a bad day. The damned surveillance site I use somehow suddenly was able to access all his deleted texts from the affairs in April, and now not only do I get to read his words, I get to know that this went on for nearly two months longer than I thought it did. I used to be a writer and so I wrote a poem. I know that it is maudlin, but I also know that you ladies will understand. The Half Life of LoveIt is hard to believe that I am the only person who bears this. When I go to the download site, I feel like I shoul d see it trending: Wendell’s deleted texts, up six points from yesterday, soaring into the top ten. I feel like someone should call me. Gah, the rugby too? They would say. For some reason we always felt like the rugby was safe. Sucks, girl. Let us know if you need anything. Or I would see it in their eyes when they asked me how their child’s day went. I wonder what she did to him, that he would do such a thing. Must have been horrible for him. Dead bedroom, probably. She’s put on a lot of weight, not sure I’d want to either. Junot Diaz is a good liar, and he won the pulitzer and lost his fiance to his cheating. The half life of love is forever, he said, but I want to know what the half life of pain is. I want to know how long I am required to sift this dirt from hand to hand and watch the silt that catches the light. I want to know on what precise date it will no longer hurt to know that you took another girl gocart riding. I want to fight every mistress you’ve got, the ones with names like Amie (see, I can spell it properly now!) and Amber, and the ones named Frazier and Trailer Park Boys. I want to look like them with their pretty shaved pink pussies and their good production values. I feel like the sound a dog makes when it’s been hit by a car and left to bleed in the snow. I feel like the high whine of water in a twig when it’s exposed to flame. It feels strange to me that other people can’t hear it. They hear Good Morning, and pretty good, how are you. I keep waiting for someone to call the police. I think someone might be dying in 713. There’s a noise that makes me feel like an empty can.I want to hold a backyard funeral for darling and toots and dollface, tiny headstones, all in a row. A bouquet of flowers for Good Morning Gorgeous. A memorial garden, maybe, for our camping trip, for family pictures and Thanksgiving geese and birthdays and hayrides and every dream I ever had about who we are and what we could be. You think I’ll hurt myself if you don’t watch? Honey, I’m already dead. I died in my classroom on a Wednesday with my phone trembling in my fingers. This is my wake. No one is invited. It’s just me here in this house of ghosts.
Alone and Hurting,Thank you for sharing your poem. Writing has had a way of helping me to get my feelings out. Mine had not been so much poetic, more just spewing out anger. But it is a release for me.I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I remember those moments where you think you know more than you can bear only to find out more. There were days where I honestly believed I would never be okay again. I found so much strength here. Just hearing other people say they knew how I felt helped me to feel so much less alone.
Alone & Hurting,Wow. You captured it. Thanks so much for that.Please don't say you "used to be a writer" -- clearly you still are. Keep writing.
Alone and Hurting,Incredible. Your words are true for all of us. Thank you for speaking our pain.
Alone and hurting Sal is right you are a writer! Keep writing from your heart as you validate our collective pain!
Well, I guess it's time to share my story...even though I wish I didn't have a story to share here. June 10th 2016 was DDay for me. My husband called me at work after he went to a docters appointment, he was crying on the phone and I knew, at that moment what he was going to tell me. The moment he started his sentence, I knew I didn't want him to finish it, because that would make it real...and I don't want the reality, I much rather wanted a lie. He had an affair for about six months with a mom from the school our daughter attends. They've had sex once ( in the woods accros from my house..) and they mostly had contact online through facebook messenger. I went in to complete survival mode after that...I wanted to fix everything, but mostly I wanted him to feel better... ( is'nt that totally weird?!) He confessed the whole thing, told me every detail I wanted to know, and also told me he had been drinken a lot the past few months. I had no idea! We've been married for almost 3 years, been together for 9 years and our daughter is 5. My husband has some serious mental issues that have never been diagnosed or treated, we figured, over the past few month that he's likely to be borderline, which doesn't really help. He's finally agreed to get the help he really needs, so I'm happy about that. The only problem is me, I can't shake it! I know it's only been 5 and a half months after the day, but I feel like I'm only now beginning to realize what had actually happend. I feel completly deppressed, even my daughter is to much to handle most of the time. I work full time, so he picks our daughter up from school every day when I'm at work, he sees the other woman every day! I can't live with that idea! I just can't! He knows that, and he understands, but there is no way arround it. He is doing what he can to make the situation slightly better for me, he stays out of her path, even though our daughters are in the same class. Last year, at the christmas show for the school, he told me they where having eye contact with each other, I was standing right next to him! She was standing next to her husband....and they had been flirting? really? They finally got in contact with eachother after our daughter invited her daughter to her birthday party, I dropped her daughter of at her house after that, she was really nice to me....straight to my face, what kind of twisted person does that? When you know what you're doing behind my back? I do feel like i've decided I want to make it work with my husband, even though the past 9 years haven't been much of a fun ride, with him being deppressed and all, I know, with the right help for him and myself, we can only get better in a while.
Part 2: The thing that bothers me the most is that she still has to be a part of my life for the next 6 years...(or until one of us moves out of town, and I'm hoping she does!) We see her at school, our daughters are friends...how can I tell my little girl she can't play with her friend because her friends mommy is a nasty tramp? I can't get the images out of my head, the hurt, the lying, the idea that his hands touched her body...my self esteem is non exsistant at this point, she is fucking gourgeous, long dark hair, skinny...I haven't seen the inside of a gym in like....never! I'm not fat..not at all, but I'm not her! She is totally his type, both are in to the same type of music (death metal) her husband has the same name as my husband (weird much!) She has his name tattooed on her back, he saw that once...they both love playing videogames...the weird kind...and I'm the total opposite, pink dresses, happy music and videogames...no thank you, I'll read a book. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that? I'm mean, he says he doesn't want to be with her, he says he loves me, has always loved me, never stopped, and that there was never anything wrong with our marriage (Then why cheat you douchebag!) but how am I ever going to believe that he doesn't get warm fuzzy feelings everyday when he sees her at school? How the hell am I supposed to believe that he's not compairing me to her? He says he doesn't even want to be with somebody who has the same interest as he does...but yet he went for it...
A part of my story hasn't been published...., so this is part 3:I'm trying to find some strenght to go on with this, to look at the future with hope that it has to be better than the past. But I just can't seem to find any strenght at all.I really want to tell her husband, but he's the dangerous kind....My husband is afraid for our safety (and his own, obviously!) if he knew...I'm kinda with him om that one, but I just want him to know, so she can go trough the same shit we're going trough...revenge I guess...And I hope he puts the house up for sale to move her out of this town...I'm a betrayed wife, trying to become a warrior, and I have no idea how to do is....How to I deal with the fact that he sees her everyday? How do I deal with the fact that my daughter wants her daughter to come to her new birthdayparty comming up in february? How in the world am I supposed to do it? Help me with your wise words warriors....and help me become one as well! -xoxo-Kiki
KikiYou are so feeling like those of us who have found ourselves in this nightmare! Some of our stories are full of hope for a better marriage and others remain bitter and from what I've read is it truly is determined by the type h you are married to! I've seen some women working on themselves and assuming their h is working on themselves only to find that he's still the same lying cheating coward that cried so hard that he would be different! I've also read the success stories of the lucky ones that have a man really wanting to be a better man for himself first and then realizing that this in turn is better for both. I'm still working my way through this mess and for me it's been two years since dday and it's been nothing easy but just grit and determination on my part but most importantly the changes I've witnessed my h making for both of us to be better together and we firmly believe that the best is yet to come! Have you had therapy? I've found that for me this was imperative for my healing process and dealing with the pain of my family of origin. I can't imagine having to see this person that rendered such pain on a daily basis! I'm so sorry that you are having to live through this! Revenge by telling her h would only be temporary satisfaction for you and the repercussions from the other man's reaction are not worth it. How to become a warrior here happens as you begin to process the pain and learn how to be kind to yourself! Life isn't a competition and to compare yourself to that piece of trash that would secretly flirt with your spouse in front of her own isn't anything you want to be like! My h and I are having to learn how to share new things together and he fully understands that the old marriage and the little I was willing to settle for in regards to his time and his ability to be honest with himself as well as me is giving both of us hope that we've gotten to a better place in our relationship. I'm going to leave how to deal with the ow up to some of the others here because in our case we cut thie ow out of our life with a court order and there has to be a better way than our journey was! You get strength back slowly one day at time and I know how hard it is but you can do it! Hugs!
Kiki, The hurt and reality of what happened is devastating. Cheaters lie after they get caught. Don't automatically assume he is telling you the truth. After all this flirting, it is difficult to believe they only had sex once. Decide what you need to feel secure and safe for yourself. I believed for a very long time that my husband preferred the OW over me. Your husband is going to have to prove to you he doesn't. Of course your husband doesn't want you to tell the OW husbands. So what if he dangerous. Dangerous to you? No, your husband needs to own his shit. He needs to own this mess. It is not your mess to clean up. It doesn't sound like he is but rug sweeping what he has done. He is a cake eater. Excuses are lies. He needs to figure out WHY he did this. Set some boundaries with him as far as NC. Insist on total transparency such as social media passwords. Stay in the decterive mode for awhile. He sounds like he just isn't coming clean yet. I'm sorry to be so blunt. Can a neighbor or another mom pick your daughter up? You make the decisions that are right for you. He lost his chance. Take care of yourself be totally selfish. Even if that means acting crazy at times that is normal. Your heart has been stomped and smashed. Think of what he did to YOUR life. Why would you want him to feel better? He needs to show you he deserves a second chance. You don't need to prove that YOU deserve a second chance. You didn't do anything. It is not likely anyone is going to move so don't depend on that to be any solution. Knowing what I know now. 1. Tell her husband, he deserves to know the truth. I feel different about this than Theresa. 2. Set boundaries with your husband like transparency, no contact and how HE can prevent not seeing the OW. 3. Get tested for STD. 4. Get counseling ASAP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is beyond terrifying. Read the thoughts Elle has on boundaries. You can get through this and your stronger than what you ever know. Love to you and I'm sorry this has happened to your heart. Your husband is a shit to take a chance to through his lovely family away. He needs to earn it all back. Watch his actions not his words. A thousands hugs to you. Again I'm sorry.
I found out for sure that my husband had cheated on me on September 30, 2016. I received a post card in the mail on the 28th that I had a certified letter waiting for me at the post office. It said it was sent from an address in my husbands home town so I asked him if he knew who might have sent it and gave him the address. He said he had no idea. Later that night he told me he thought it might be from this woman's husband who had approached my father-in-law about my husband having an affair with his wife. My husband said this woman tried to kiss him while he was working at her house (he's an electrician) and he immediately left but just never told me because he thought I would be mad. He said she must have decided to make up an affair and tell her husband. He told me it happened 7 1/2 to 8 years ago. I got the letter the next day and it said that my husband and this guys wife had a long term adulterous affair while I was pregnant 6 years earlier. According to this guy his wife had at least 8 affairs and had recently tried to kill herself and later admitted to these affairs as an explanation for why she tried to kill herself. My husband kept denying that anything had happened but I struggled with whether to believe him because he had lied to me a lot in the past. He had a drinking problem and would lie about where he had been or if he had been drinking. Anyway, after 2 days of swearing on our children's lives and on his mothers life etc. that nothing happened he admitted that they "fooled around". He says it went on for 2 months and was physically intimate with her 2 times. Before that they were friends and had coffee and would bad mouth their spouses together. My husband's problem with me was that I had a problem with his drinking and he felt I was trying to control him. He stopped drinking this past June after a hit and run accident when he realized he had a drinking problem and we had a good 3 months until the affair came out. Now we have had the worst 3 months of our marriage. I feel so conflicted because things were finally better for us and he says he's really changed and that she meant nothing to her. He says he felt hatred for himself and her while the affair was going on. He says he was just so unhappy with his life it felt good to talk to someone about it. He said I wasn't paying enough attention to him because we had 3 young children. He says she made the moves on him but he went along with it. I have forgiven him for so much throughout our marriage. I knew we had a lot of problems in our marriage but I never thought he would have done this to me. I dont want to destroy the possibility of a great marriage but I really dont know if I can ever get over it. We have 4 kids which is weighing on me too. I dont want to ruin their lives if things could be good. My best friend pointed out that I wouldn't be ruining it, my husband did that. He says he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me, but he already seems tired of me talking about it. The other night we had a nice night but then later after I went to bed I felt sick thinking about it and cried for hours. His response was that we should stop doing date night if that is going to be my response. He later apologized but i feel like he just doesn't get what he needs to do to make me feel better. He also made a comment that he thinks it will probably take me 10 to 20 years to get over it. It's only been 3 months. I feel like he needs to be a little more patient and loving if there is even a chance. I keep trying to tell him what I need but he doesn't seem to do it consistently. If he is going to let me suffer through it on my own, we will end up apart. I still dont know who, if either is telling the truth about the timing. Not sure it matters or why either of them would lie about it. Thanks for reading.
Anonymous Jan 3I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. It's horrible I know! Three months and he's ready to stop talking about it but for me that was when I needed to talk about it the most. The not sleeping and lack of appetite could have killed me but somewhere around the 8-9 month into our discussions, I began to listen to my h rather than the fantasy spewed at me by the ow. Actions of a remorseful spouse can either help our hearts to heal but just suppressing our pain will not lead to a better relationship! Therapy could help your h better understand why you have the reaction you are having on date night. I remember at least three major meltdowns that I had and each one lead me to a better understanding of what I needed to heal but these times were pretty hard for my h to get through. These are tough times in the early months. I wish I could make it go faster for you but it takes as long as it takes and he can't rush any of this! Hugs!
My H had 3 affairs. 1 in email that I caught before it got physical. 1 EA that included regular bashing of me + 2x sex over the course of 18 mos and finally an online dating mess that lasted a few weeks. We are in MC and both want to stay married. But I can see (2 days past Dday) he wants me to be over it. The affairs lasted in total 1.5-2 years but he wants me to be over it in 2 months?!?
Anonymous, Your husband has the mind of an addict and that is going to take time for him to stop thinking like one. His impulse to cancel date night if it's going to make you sound? Classic addict stuff. Better to avoid pain than feel it, right? Better to run away from conflict than face it, right? Better to numb feelings than feel them, right? Better to blame someone else for lousy choices than own them, right? It's wonderful that he's stopped drinking but unless he's in some sort of program or therapy to learn how to face life head on without the help of self-medicating via alcohol, then he's simply trading one unhealthy coping strategy with another. What do you understand about alcoholism? It might help you recognize that his affair had everything to do with his compulsive need to escape discomfort and his own self-loathing than anything you did/are. He cheated because he's a sick man. He found a sick woman with whom he could avoid his own shame for a bit. It had NOTHING to do with you. It had NOTHING to do with your attention on your kids. It had EVERYTHING to do with his shame and inability to manage/express uncomfortable feelings.So...where do you go from here? Well, you decide what feels right at this moment. What's your next right step. Not the one after, or the one after that. The next one. Do you want to separate to give yourself some space? Do you insist that he seek out a treatment program? Do you find a couples counsellor or an individual counsellor? Do you ask him to sleep on the couch for the time being? Do you set aside a prescribed time each week to talk over your feelings EVEN WHEN IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND THERE'S TEARS? You get to decide what happens next. It sounds as if he wants to stay married but is he willing to do the hard work of rebuilding a marriage that he laid to ruin with drinking and his cheating? Is he up to facing his shame and admitting what he's done and looking you in the eye every single day and seeing the pain there and knowing he caused it? That takes a big man. Is he big enough? He can earn back your respect and his own self-respect by owning up to what he's done. He's undoubtedly full of remorse but he needs to be able to talk to you about it. He needs to be able to support you in your healing. It will be really hard and he's going to need support for himself while he learns these new behaviours. And you'll have days when it feels hopeless. But if you don't give up on each other, you'll get there. If you choose to walk away, that's absolutely fine too. This is your life and you get to decide where you go from here. But you need to honour your own pain. You need to be kind to yourself and you need to feel safe enough to cry and cry and cry.
OMG Elle, you nailed it. "Better to avoid pain than feel it, right? Better to run away from conflict than face it, right? Better to numb feelings than feel them, right? Better to blame someone else for lousy choices than own them, right?" That has been my CH's M.O.! I hope the IC helps him recover.
Anonymous from Jan 3- abd Browneyedgirl too (although i know you have a counselor ---this is where a therapist can come in REALLY handy-crucial. Optimally it would be both of you, but if you can just get him to go "with you" to the RIGHT kind of shrink one time it would be so helpful. These guys really do think we are being dramatic (first he thinks it will take 10-20 years and then he's pissed that 3 months is too long). Sometimes hearing what you are going through from a 3rd person is what he might need to hear and even hearing it from a third person is helpful to YOU because it will remind you you are NOT insane or crazy, nor should anyone be expected to be over it anywhere close to 3 months after the fact. We had a FABULOUS shrink in 2014 in couples counseling who did just that, validated every awful feeling that I had-- but I did not know at the time that my husband was a sex addict or sexual compulsive (semantics--whatever) We just started with a specialist who actually pulled out a piece of paper and read off ALL of my emotions after D-day 2---withe me even having to open my mouth. Just asked me if these symptoms sounded familiar--YUP. almost all of our emotions and reactions are textbook--but no one knows, because no one talks about it. Well we talk about it here. Also try reading "after the affair" or if appropriate "your sexually addicted spouse" honestly to read that what we go through is REAL is such a relief. I wish you relief and so much more. OH BTW--none of this is your fault, not the kids, not your looks, not anything--you did not force him to take his penis to another womans house and make him put it anywhere--this was his terribly unhealthy choice. Its a bitch that we are the ones who have such a terrible fall out from it. Hugs to you.
Hi all,I end up googling something and I found you guys. I probably have read all of the post trying to find calming peace for my head. I still feel very numb, cloudy, foggy in my brain...Almost 1 week after dday... My h confess to multiple affairs over the last yearS. We have been married for a little over 5 years (11-2011), and realize he has been lying about almost for the last 4. After my h couldnt find work in the city I live, we agree for me move where he is. Long story short, it's didn't work for me and I came back 2 months later. He stayed put. Since we were really short of money, it took him almost 2 months to travel and come see me. And it all started then.OW #1 was a one night stand (03-2013). But then OW #2 went for multiple times and... she got pregnant (06-2013)! She decided to keep the baby. He's saying that he ask her to not keep the baby, that he was already married and would not go with her, but she wanted a baby girl (she has already 2 boys). All this time, we were trying to have our first baby! So basically, he got somebody pregnant before me, his wife! So that baby was born 03-2014, and my son 10-2014. How can you keep this secret? A baby girl was born, he's the father, and I didn't know about it?! As all the others CH, he said he loves me and didn't know how to tell me... OW #3 happen when I was pregnant with our second baby (08-2015). After looking at our phone bill and noticing a phone number coming back over and over, I mean 10-15 times a day, plus for very-very long minutes, I confronted him. Of course, I got accused of snooping around, in my own bill! He confess of talking to this girl but noting else. I was suspicious of more but i decided to give him the benefit of the doubt since i had no more evidences. Since I was getting fed up with our situation and being by myself, taking care of a 1 year old baby, pregnant, and working full time, I told him that he had to make a choice. Either to leave us, or come back and live with his family. He chose to come back, and has been with us ever since (12-2015)But now, for him, he believes he's been working at his mariage for a year now. That he's past this, that he wants to be with his family, that he knows he messed up big and he's asking for forgiveness. He's saying that it was only sex, he never wanted relationship with them. Now, I am struggling to find sense in all of this. Of course, I ask all details I could think of. I cry myself to sleep. Mat leave is ending this week and I am due to return to work next week. I just feel like a big mess. I am trying to change job and can't imagine doing interviews with a foggy brain right now. All of this truth because before xmas I was reminiscing and asking myself why I was not super happy with my year 2016? It had been a good one since we had baby girl #2, bought our first house, and even with all this, I still had a sour taste in my mouth. So I mention this to him, and maybe there was something over our head stopping us from having a good break with work, finance, etc. WOW was I on something big! Hope it makes sense what I am writing... I am meeting a therapist this weekend for me, I will find that silver lining.
NatLey,I'm sorry I missed your post until now. I hope your appointment with a therapist was helpful. And yes, you will find that silver lining. I hear over and over and over again on this site that the husband, the one who cheated, seems to think he gets to set the timeline for when we're supposed to be "over it". That's ridiculous. Of course you're struggling with this. It doesn't matter if it was "just sex". That isn't the point. The point is he lied to you. The point is he went outside your marriage and you weren't informed at any point. The point is he has proven himself untrustworthy and that's terrifying to the woman he's married to. He doesn't get to tell you that your feelings aren't valid. If he's sincere about wanting to rebuild his marriage, then he's got a lot of work ahead of him, starting with learning how to support you in your pain and with figuring out why he kept cheating on you. He got a woman pregnant, for god's sake. This is no small thing. You're dealing with so much -- new baby, going back to work, plus the excruciating pain of betrayal. Be gentle with yourself. Your needs are valid. You need support.
Thanks Elle, comforting words today. It's has been a tough day yesterday, and today is no different. We had a good couple last days. But those good days, everything seem unreal...I found a church close to our home for him that feels much more like he had before coming to live here. I am not a big church person but I always said that i could go to support him. We went last sunday, and he cried so many time during service. But all i could ask myself looking at him and seeing him in pain is, why-why-why? why being so foolish and knowing it would cause so much pain, for sex?! They have sessions for mariage at that same church, and I ask him if he wanted to go and he said yes. I am ok to go and see where it can take us.N
My D-Day was October 13, 2012 as my husband was in the shower getting ready for work and my then 13 year old daughter came to me to tell me that I needed to check her dad's text messages on his phone since she was concerned about the messages. I had no idea what I was about to experience since my husband of 22 years at that point would NEVER do anything like that. He was father of the year and a wonderful yet quite neglectful husband after all the years with running 3 kids around for 19 years. I opened the phone and was devastated at that very moment. I could not believe what I was reading. I was more devastated knowing my young daughter had been reading their texts for over a month and seeing their disgusting sexting pictures to one another. My daughter, who was a huge daddy's girl, carried this burden for all that time which must have felt like an eternity because she did not want to hurt me like that and was confused. My two sons, then 18 and 15, were just devastated as well. I went into the bathroom and opened up that shower door and asked him who Sam was!!! He had the nerve to tell me I had not right to look at his phone which I might add that I paid for monthly since he was a cop and made no money. I ran out of the room and proceeded to go outside to call her # and scream at her to stay away from my husband!!! He fought me for the phone in front of our two younger children who were like deer in headlights!!! He stood a nose length away from our children to say that stupid statement that I am sure we all here have heard!!! WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!! and I am in LOVE with her. My 50 year old husband was a police sergeant that was well respected and had been there for almost 24 years.
He was teaching classes since he was an EMT instructor in the evenings to help out a little through the bad end of the downed market. I had no idea that second job would be the very thing that rips my heart to shreds!!! The whore was a 23 year old little girl who obviously is sick in the head and has daddy issues since she had a nice looking 24 year old husband of one whopping year at home with a working penis unlike my old gray headed overweight severe diabetic husband with ED!!! I could not believe it!!!! I hired a friend of mine who is a PI who thankfully did not charge me one cent to follow him and that whore. I tapped my husband's phone and unfortunately have thousands and thousands of texts that would start at 6 AM to midnight every single day like a teenager!!! It was sickening as I would go to my mother's house with my two younger kids every day to give him enough rope to have that freedom to hang himself!! I was a PI before I had children and knew no matter my emotions I had to contain myself an get my kids under control so I could get what I needed to go t court to hang him!!!! I was a child growing up who watched a father continuously committed adultery. I watch my poor mother suffer so much through the years before they finally divorced then my father being the snake he was married a little girl 24 years old so can you imagine how I felt to now I married a man like my father who also was sleeping with a young girl. Here I was 46 years old at the time and my husband was having an affair with a nasty whore exactly half my age. Boy, what a self esteem killer!!! I can never look 23 again after having 3 kids and living life!!! I came home after a week off driving myself crazy secretly getting all of this evidence I needed and confronted him when I, after reading those secret text messages, knew he was heading to meet with her that evening. What you have to know is this is a man that felt so convicted about his belief in God and would just condemn every single cop who was a nasty adulterer his entire career!! Now he became the very thing he harshly condemned!!! I told him I did not care if he just took his gun and just killed my at that moment however the pain he bought to our children was unforgivable. I went on to tell him what how the oldest was driving around the city looking for him when he was with that whore so he could beat the hell out of him and hated him, how our younger son never wanted to speak to him again and wished he was dead, and how our daughter, the daddy's girl, was calling him by his first name because she said he was not her dad anymore!!! All of a sudden he dropped to his knees and begged for forgiveness. I had not expected that. I had only come home to kick him out!! My whole life flashed before my eyes as a kid of this garbage and how divorce just messed my brother and I up.
I made a choice that I am still not sure is the right one only because I wanted to save my children!!! I told him I needed to know everything i order to start healing and working on everything. He lied of course and said he had only gotten ONE blow job but it was just kissing. I was like a deer in headlights myself and though at least thank God he did not stick his penis in her because it would be over at that very instant. I thought maybe I could deal with my own Monica Lewinsky but I believe down deep I was lying to myself to protect my brain and heart from further pain because I knew down deep what the truth really was. His words were I already told you that and am in trouble so wouldn't you think I would tell you if I had done more?? Famous last words!!! For over a year I drove myself crazy, following him, tapping his phone, watching his every move. Thankfully he did retire from the police department 2 months after caught him only to go to work at the fire department which still gave him that freedom to carouse !!! Something just ate at me and ate at my inner soul telling me to find out the truth!!! I later asked a lady who I knew worked a hotel that they would constantly talk about over and over in their texts if she could check to see if either if them were ever registered staying there. Of course, she tells me what day and time the whore had gotten the hotel room for them to meet to have their first sexual encounter. What a freaking pedophile is how I think of him now!!!! Disgusting screwing a girl 30 years younger!!!! Almost the age of our children!!!! This discovery was a year and a half after we sat in church and went through counseling as he lied through his teeth in church to people and the counselors. My heart changed at that moment that everything came out!!!! I do not know how to function as a person anymore. I let it affect my work. I almost lost my home and my car. I almost lost everything because of him. By the way, he was stealing money from us and using it to be with her prior to the D day. POS, here I was having to ask my mother to help me get groceries to feed our three kids and paying her back as I got paid.
This has been the most miserable time in my entire life over the last 4 years. I have gone from being a hurt dead dog beat down to being just damn mad now!!! I think I have just come back to my self. I did have sex with him every single day from D Day to about 8 months ago to keep him from screwing around which I do not know what I was thinking. Just lost my mind for a little while. But now I just do not want him to touch me and it just disgust me the very thought of being intimate with him. I forced myself even though I did not want to for those 3 years and now just cannot do it anymore. We were always sexually active even during his affair and that is why I cannot understand why he did it!!! I am just so beside myself anymore. I get up every morning and just ask God why he will not just take me now so I no longer have to deal with the pain of the person who was the only man I ever trusted, the only man who ever saw me naked, the love of my life and my best friend!!! I get mad with God for making me live another day. I am now 50 almost 50 and here I am too old to even think about starting over with some other POS who would probably hurt me too. My kids have serious trust issues. My daughter will never trust men just as I was. Only, I did trust one unfortunately. I am stuck and do not know how to deal with this anymore. I have been all alone dealing with it. He just goes on as if nothing ever happened and tells me I need to get out of the past!!! Hello, 4 years is nothing compared to how I have wasted 26 years at this point in my life with a man who is a lying cheating adulterer whore!!!! I feel lie my whole life with him has been a lie!!!! I hate my life!!!! This man whom I trusted so much told this little girl every intimate detail about not only our life and our children's but my life growing up, about my rape as a teenager to even the color of my pubic hair!!!! I just cannot deal with the thoughts in my head anymore of seeing his big ass on top of her in my nightmares at night!!!!
Tracy, I am so so sorry for everything you've gone through. It might have been four years ago but it sounds as though the healing has barely begun. It sounds, from your description of your monitoring him and having sex with him, that you've been outwardly focussed -- on trying to control him rather than heal yourself. It's completely understandable. Here's the thing: What has he done to show you that he deserves this marriage? I understand the impulse to protect your kids but they know what's happened. Staying with him to simply fake a happy home isn't helping them at all. And it's certainly not helping you.Everything you're describing, from the hyper-vigilance to the control sex to the mind movies, is "normal" under the circumstances. But it's not healthy. Not for you and not for your kids. I would really really encourage you to find a therapist who can help you unpack all this pain -- to really work through it -- so that you can make a choice about the rest of your life. Two things I want you to absolutely trust me on: His cheating had NOTHING to do with you. His cheating isn't about what's wrong with you ti's about what's wrong with HIM. And the other thing: You are fifty years old and the mother of three children, plus a former PI. You are badass and you've got plenty to offer the world. You've been beaten down over the years to the point where you no longer see your own value. And that's got to change. Your children need you. And the world needs you. So...get yourself a therapist who will help you work through this trauma. And make no mistake, betrayal is trauma. And keep us posted how you're doing. You're among friends here Tracy. You're among women who know what you're going through and many who've come out the other side.
I just never knew how big the betrayed spouse club is till I became a member!!!!!!
Tracy, you will figure this out it just takes as much time as you need. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that time that could have been spent on you instead of H and OW. It sounds like extended PTSD you are experiencing that is unresolved. Get in therapy and learn some coping mechanisms and self compassion. You will get your two feet on the ground when you start to focus on what you want. He made his choice now it is your turn to be in control of you. You have some great skills that you probably have forgotten about. Think about all of you that was let go, little by little and start a plan on how to get you back. I can't believe your husband hasn't reach out to help his kids. I demanded that my H call each one of our to apologize. Not all is well with his relationship with his kids but that is on him. My husband is military and he had to learn what is good for the troops does not translate it will,work in a marriage. In therapy he had to learn how to be a good husband. If your husband is an action junky like mind he needs to unlearn something's too. You are stronger and smarter than him. When these qualities have time to bubble up to your surface you are going to be fine. Concentrate on you and only you now. It is the only way to get through this.
I suppose my biggest issue is that I could have dealt alot better with the affair if it had been a female close to our ages instead of a little whore almost 30 years younger than the husband. When he finally told me all the dirty details which made me absolutely lose my mind I rented the hotel room they first had sex in and made him screw me there and told him he would have a new memory there!! Then out of my pain and crazy thinking I made him take me to every place they parked like little teenagers and made him screw me in the car just like he did her!! I think we all just lose our minds during the beginning of the trauma!!! I met her in person when I went to her and her husband's home to tell her to stay away from my husband. It made it worse that she answered the door in a onsie like my children used to wear, you know the ones that your feet go into and it zips up!!! She looked like she was 12 years old. She did not look like a 23 year old these days looks like. It was heart breaking!!! Ouer insurance will not pay for the counseling and we have been kicked out of two different marriage church groups and one marriage group class at church called Re|Engage which is supposed to help couples who are struggling because they said I was not forgiving my husband!!! Of course, the head person was a cheating offender as well so I guess it hit home for him!! How about his forgiveness, huh???!!!Not very Christianlike and made me not want to go back t church. Here I am again with insomnia at 3:50 AM because I do not want to sleep next to him so he will not grope me and I do not have to think about him touching her as he touches me. I feel like I have PTSD. I can tell you that I survived being raped at 15 years old. I would rather be raped over and over than to have my husband give me this pain!!! I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!!! I wish that I could just die than to live another day knowing what the person I considered the love of my life and my best friend did to me and our 3 kids. I am a new grandma too which only makes it worse considering I also caught my son's girlfriend cheating on him then he decided he would be like me and forgive her then she popped up pregnant. I made her have a paternity test hoping my son could get away from that girl but the child is his. I love that little baby but I hate knowing my son has been through a horrible heartache like me. He did quit judging me and telling me that I need to get over it and on with life since he now understands that it is not that simple. My kids are scarred for life. I know because I was also that child whose father was a nasty whore with young girls. My daughter told me she would like to go to a therapist as well. It killed me when she told me she wanted to kill herself not long after she had caught my husband having the affair since she felt like she let me down by waiting over a month to tell me. She is 17 now and was 13 at that time. I told her she was a little girl and could not carry that burden. There is no way to ever know if she could have prevented it or not. At the time I caught him he had only started having sex with the whore 2 weeks prior so this is why my daughter felt that way which only infuriates me with the husband for hurting my baby like that!!!!! I have so much anger inside me and rage at times!!! I do not know how to deal with this any longer!!!!
Tracy,You feel like you have PTSD because you do have PTSD. Many betrayed wives experienced it and many therapists work with women to help them deal with it. I think betrayal, on top of earlier trauma (ie. rape), can be ever more devastating because it triggers that earlier trauma too.And while I completely understand your anger -- you have every reason to be furious -- at a certain point the anger only ends up hurting you. You're going to need to figure out how to heal yourself before you can consider forgiving him. I'm sorry those marriage groups can't respect your position because asking a wife to "forgive" before she's welcome is wrongheaded and utterly unhelpful. This isn't about forgiveness so much as it's about healing. I don't even know if I've "forgiven" my husband. I do know I've allowed him to show me that he can be a better person than he was. I would really urge to find a therapist you can afford. There are some who will allow payment on a sliding scale. If your husband can afford hotel rooms with the woman he was cheating with, you can certainly spend $ on someone to help you manage your fury and turn it into empowerment. Keep reading here. You'll find lots of great support and advise from incredible women. But start, Tracy, by learning to breathe through your anger. Don't act on it. Just breathe through it. Be conscious of your thoughts spiralling away on you and remind yourself that, right now, you're safe and you're strong and you will get through this. Teach your daughter to do the same thing. Remind her that she's strong and safe. Show by example that people can be hurt and they can rise up. Consider taking up running or some other way of getting rid of that physical rage. You can do this, Tracy. But stewing in anger isn't going to get you anywhere.
Tracy, I am sorry you had a bad experience with the program at the church but please consider trying one at a different church or a different faith based program in addition to counseling. For CH & I we need all of it: IC, MC & the broken marriages retreat. The one we went to was a peer ministry so it really helped me to hear other couples decades out from infidelity who have repaired, restored & renewed their marriages. Forgiveness is a process, it is not black and white. You can't just forgive because you want to (that's just where to start). I knew early on after learning of the betrayal that whether I stay or separate I eventually wanted to forgive my CH because it is my only way to my own peace. Our forgiveness of them is for our own healing. It's a gift to yourself first and them second. God's forgiveness is for the CH's. So, someday I will forgive my CH. I don't know when that will be. I'm only 11 weeks out from DD and I think I'm somewhere in the 25-50% range of forgiveness. At first it was much closer to 0! Then he truly started showing repentance and asked for my forgiveness several times. That helped move it along. Then we went to the retreat weekend and that helped a little more. Some days I/we have a bad day and I go backwards! It will take a long time to get to 100% because what he did was so enormous I can't even process it all.You are strong!
I am 4 years out since D day however on 2.5 since he told me the truth. Almost like starting over from day one again. Where was the marriage retreat?
Sorry, Tracy, I JUST saw your question - it was Retrouvialle
My husband cheated when I was pregnant with my daughter I catch him over his phone they were texting from some months from April to August and they had sex around my daughter due day June 5 ,I went back to him because we have 2 children and because my mother in-law is drying due to pancreatic cancer and I feel guilty to take away the kids now she needs us together but there's times I feel like I don't want him to touch me anymore Everytime we have sex I see him with the other women in my head by the way in the messages were very grafic and they say what the did to each other and he told me everything they did and he finished 2 in her without protection that's what hurts me the most he didn't think about me and getting me an STD which I don't have thank God ,he says it was only once but I don't believe him they were planning to see each other again around the time I busted him by the way the we're trying to have sex again around June 18 when my daughter was born he didn't stay in the hospital with me probably was trying to have the apartment for the 2 of them but in the texts the other women couldn't go because she worked that day I feel so disgusted by him when we kiss I don't feel like kissing him back Everytime he leaves I feel good I don't have to put up a fake smile , I don't feel the same anymore I feel I rush by coming back to him and that need more time but at the same time we have 2 kids and I grew up without a dad and I don't want them to suffer ,I don't know what to do by the way the other women is like in her 30s and I am 25 I feel like she did him better them me that's why he we as with her
By the way I live in a very little town and my culture is very sexist (Mexican)I live in southern California and my culture is very to the male side and to them it's OK if you cheat being guy but for women is not the same , for example my in-laws are very traditional and we're pressuring me to go back to him and omg my mother in-law I know she's very sick but she wasn't on my side she told me that probably it won't be the last time and that I needed to sacrifice myself for the well-being of my kids and if not I would and up like most single moms from a guy to another ,I was very offended by her I finally understood that there were never are gonna be my side even if he was the one who did me wrong for that I feel very pressure every time I try to talk to him about my feelings he gets mad if I want to check his phone ( by the way he agreed to many condition at the beginning ) he gets mad I'm like if ur not hiding anything you shouldn't get mad when I ask for your phone ,I am really tire of trying I feel that if he cheats again I don't care if it's only by text I'm gonna leave him this is ridiculous were not even 3 year married and I been cheated already I feel mad at him even though has almost 6 months ago when I busted him I'm still mad and the worst thing is that he makes me feel bad about being angry
I don't know what to do I feel like if I leave him I'm afraid my kids are growing up without a dad but I'm afraid I will live a life unhappy with someone I can't even trust how can I trust him after what he did and he stills don't let me touch his phone I don't know if I love him anymore I'm just tired of his immature ass he's going to be 30 this year but I am afraid he might cheat again and I'm pregnant with baby no3
Heartbroken CarmenI'm so so sorry for the pain you feel. I suppose I understand some of what you say regarding the Hispanic double standard for males. Our daughter was with a man from this culture for five years struggling to understand his selfish choices that rarely considered my daughter and their children's needs other than providing a roof over their head and food to eat. This relationship began when my daughter was just a freshman in college. She worked hard to finish her degree, worked two jobs to help his family and as you know in this culture, male dominated needs first. She was the one that had a relationship with another man and as you say, unforgivable for the woman. They separated and share joint custody. In the four years since that relationship ended, she has met and married a wonderful man that loves her and the boys and puts their needs first. She finally has her happy ever after. Now I also understand your conflicts over tearing the family apart during the crisis of family illness. My daughter had the same situation with his father. I think that's why she stayed in the relationship as long as she did. Now for you I have this advise. If he wants the relationship with you to last, he will have to swallow his pride in regard to the phone. He lost his right to privacy and it doesn't matter his culture. Six months in is still raw hurt angry feelings. They don't last forever but being pregnant, your emotions are normal. Another thing I know about Hispanic men, they are very protective of their offspring. Remind him that this emotional time could bring harm to the unborn child, it tends to cause a high blood pressure when we're under the stress of betrayal. The trust issue doesn't come up until he proves he can be trusted. None of us hear can be sure our h won't do this again. Many here have the kind that had done this many times. You have choices but I think for now, you just wait and watch his actions. You will know if and when a different choice has to be made! Hugs!
So I've just been admitted to the club that I guess no one ever wants to join. It hasn't even been 48 hours since my world fell apart. We've been together for 9 years married for nearly 7 and he has been cheating on/off for 4 1/2 years. We have a 4 1/2 year old and 3 year old. It's taken two days to get the whole truth out of him, and I had to find texts to find out about the final one and even then he lied and said it was just messages and phone calls. He was with her for a year. He said he loved her in his messages.I have no idea how to stick a brave face on for the world when all I want to do is fall apart. He says he loves me and didn't love her and wants to work on this but how do you get past the pain. I had a new baby when he was with the first one, he had another baby with me following which I had a major bleed and nearly died and that didn't make one bit of difference, he still found another woman. He has told his mother who thinks it's my fault because I let him work away (fly in fly out), because it's too much to expect him to be faithful for 8 weeks. How do I tell my mum this, I feel so ashamed and I don't know why because I did nothing but love him every day for 9 years.
UnknownI'm so so sorry you had the reason to find this blog but glad you did! It's a safe place to vent your pain and get advice on moving forward. At the time of my h affair, we were living in separate houses due to his job and my need to help our daughter through a difficult custody battle. My h came 'home' to me/us each Friday but yet he managed to keep his bed warm by bringing his ow home to live with him for two months. She knew he was married but she kept the affair going even after I moved into his work house. Together we are now making this a home. I'm not sure his mother has a right to blame anyone that this happened as you certainly did not pull his penis out of his pants and stick it in another woman! These were his selfish choices and it's up to him to figure out why he made those choices. I also felt ashamed if the knowledge that my h, my hero, had been busy having passionate sex with someone else Monday through Thursday during a really rotten time in our relationship. In looking back at those years, I remember him being stressed and unhappy with himself. When he bought me a car to transport my large lab and built me a fence for her to live in, I was over joyed that our marriage could begin to heal from living separate that year. Well surprise to me! He continued his affair from fear of her telling me for an additional year but ended the physical part five months before she blew my world apart! You ask how you get past the pain. That depends on how your h is acting towards you now. But it takes time to adjust to the emotions you are feeling from learning about his selfish choices. It takes a lot of time and you start by understanding this is not in no way at all your fault! He's chosen these things and now wants you to forgive and go back to being married. Well again it takes time and hard work on his part to prove he's worth your efforts! His mother doesn't get a say of any kind in your marriage. If you can, find a good therapist to help you wade through your feelings! Hugs! I know how hard this is!
Unknown Feb 14th, If he capable lying, don't automatically think he told his mother the entire truth unless you were there. Why would he tell his mother so quickly? Was that so he could tell HIS version before she saw your pain? I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are in shock right now. The road before you is long and it is like getting a knock out punch. Somewhere in this site is a list of questions you can ask him to really get to the means and motive. It is a starting point. He has to go no contact with his woman period,end of her. My therapist refuses to help any couples where he is seeing OW. She said there is usually a zero chance of recovery. Insist on all his passwords. Look at all the bank statements. There is a program called Mr Phone that I just heard about were you can get deleted texts. I'm so sorry. Take your time, don't make any decisions right now because you probably aren't rational and that is ok. Do whatever you need to do for YOU. He shit in his Cheerios already, lost his chance to decide what is right for you. Hang in there. The shame is on him not you. You didn't do anything wrong. Do let him tell you it is your fault because it isn't. From his mothers reaction he sounds like a master at manipulating so stay strong and true to yourself. Take care of you. Make him work for a second chance and you see if he is worth it and deserves it. Love to you and I'm so sorry. Get into therapy asap, you can't do this by yourself. Let him take care of the kids, go somewhere and read every post every word on this site. I promise it will help you. Let us know how you are doing.
In January, I knew something was going on with my husband. He was withdrawing, said that he wasn't happy with his job, with being out in the garage (he's a car guy), with our marriage. I was shocked. I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. I kept thinking that something was going on, but when I would confront him about it, he'd say, "If I were cheating on you, I'd have the balls to admit it." Famous last words.The last week of January, he left our home, said he wanted out of the marriage. I was completely and totally devastated. Said he needed a few days to think. Well, a few days stretched out into a week. He would come over and we would talk. But I knew that he wanted out, he just didn't have the guts to tell me. So finally, we decided to divorce and stop hurting each other. I felt relief, knowing that we would still be friends because he was my best friend.Then last Tuesday came. My 16-yr-old daughter and I were downstairs, hanging out, when she said, "MOM. Look at THIS." She was looking at her iPad, which was still synced to her dad's iPhone. There were nude photos of a woman on it. I was absolutely livid. This was the same woman who's car my husband had fixed three months ago, the one who friended him on Facebook, he said, so they could "talk about her car." What a fool I was.As my husband had, just that day, moved into an apartment in a town 20 miles away, I went to confront him. I had just gotten out of the shower and was in my pajamas, but I didn't care. The anger I felt burning inside me was such that I knew I could *never* wait until morning to confront him. But when I got to his apartment, surprise, surprise, he wasn't home. I waited around for awhile, then drove home, talking to my mom the entire way and bawling my eyes out. I sent text after text, left voicemails with him, but he didn't answer. When I got home, I threw all his clothes on the lawn.The next morning, he called and demanded to know why his phone had been blowing up with messages. So I said, 'You got caught.' He DENIED it, said that he wasn't cheating on me. I said, 'I have the photos to PROVE it." He got very quiet. I laid into him, calling her every name I could think of. And honestly? I couldn't understand WHY he would go for someone like HER. She looked like the poster child for STDs! It was horrible!That night he came over to pick his clothes off the lawn and get the rest of his stuff. And when he came in, I vented my anger. I told him everything I thought. I didn't stop. I got it ALL out. He said that she had pursued him, and he didn't do anything to stop it. She knew he was married. She KNEW what she was doing. She has three young kids and I KNOW he doesn't want to be a stepdad. He said, "I'm not planning on staying with her." The whole thing just floored me. And apparently he did NOT have the balls to tell me he was cheating on me. Such a sniveling coward.And after he left and the anger was gone...I collapsed. I wanted to check myself into the hospital because I simply couldn't cope. My daughter called my mom and she came over to sit with me and I eventually came out of my shock. My daughter refuses to talk to her dad and especially refuses to talk to him since he is still seeing the OW. I hate her. I despise her. I want to gouge her eyes out. Today I found her mailing address and I wrote her a letter, but I don't know if I'll send it. The pain is unbelievable. We are getting a divorce. 18 years. I stood by him through SO MUCH. And he does this to me. I am devastated by his betrayal. Utterly devastated. His first wife cheated on him so I never thought he would do this to me. But he did.I went and saw a lawyer today and I'm also going to see a counselor. I also went and got tested for STDs - thankfully, they all came back negative. There is no hope of reconciliation. I am strong. I will be okay. I just have to get through this. But it hurts so, so, so bad.
Anonymous, There is strength in your pain, I can hear it. You sound stronger than I felt so soon after Dday. It does hurt SO bad. I am so sorry your daughter had to learn about what a selfish cheater her father is in such a devastating way. It sounds like you are surrounded by a good team with your daughter, mother, counselor, doctor & lawyer. You will get strong and after you do don't be surprised if your CH finally realizes what he lost and comes crawling back.
Anonymous,I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Please know you're among women who've been exactly where you are. Who didn't think we could survive another minute, let alone a day, a week, a month. Who couldn't imagine that the day would come when we would be okay, even good. Please know you will get there.But first....it's gonna hurt like hell. Don't do anything that might land you in jail or with any charges against you. Forget about this OW (I know, I know, not easy). She just made herself available. That's it. This is on your husband.Please consider getting yourself and your daughter a counsellor so that each of you can work through the pain of betrayal. She was betrayed by a father she thought was better than this. And that's devastating to learn at any age, but especially as a teen. You also need support as you go through the emotions. Anger can be good because it can keep you moving forward as you go through a divorce. But at a point, it becomes toxic. Behind that anger is a whole lot of hurt and fear. Focus on that. Let yourself feel it. But trust that you'll get past it.Hang in there, Anonymous. I promise you will get through this.
I'm sorry I haven't been back to reply to you, Elle, or Browneyedgirl, but I wanted to say thank you for your comments. I've been in therapy the last few months as has my daughter. I'm doing much better, but it still kicks me in the teeth sometimes when I think about the two of them together. We are divorcing and it will hopefully be final this month or next. I want it done and over with. I hate that I miss him; I hate that I am always wondering if he's dating someone new. But thankfully, those days are few and far between. I'm so glad for this site. In fact, because of your site, I learned about the Infidelity Hurts Virtual Conference and I am going to it! Thanks, Elle, for all that you do here.
Anon 8:45. What a coward is all I think of saying. You will think the pain will never stop. Your life just exploded into front of you and your daughter. I remembered the feeling too well. Let him wallow and have that skank. If she has three children, it won't take him long to realize what he lost. I read this over and over about who think the grass is greener. Take care of you and your daughter. I grew up in an affair home, the best thing is just to listen to your daughter and talk openly. You will get through this, Anyone who would throw his clothes on the front lawn and try to confront him in PJ's is one hell of woman. You have great common sense - counselor, lawyer and physician.
Thank you, Lynn Less Pian! My daughter and I are both in therapy and it has helped tremendously. As far as I know, he's not with the OW as he has no plans of being a stepfather. Things are getting better day by day. :)
I have been with my husband over three decades, and married for 27 years. We have two kids together, now young adults living on their own. There are far more details than space to write them all out, but here's the condensed version of my story -About 15 years ago I started suspecting an affair - classic signs like shutting the computer down when I walked in, always trying new things sexually, whispered phone calls, very protective of his phone, late nights at work, etc. I kept asking if he was having an affair but was always told absolutely not - he wouldn't do that, wouldn't risk exposing me or the kids to an std. I kept all my suspicions to myself, never even voicing them to my best friend, because everyone thought we had the perfect marriage....Finally, I said we either see a counselor or I'm done, because I just didn't believe he had been faithful. We had a few sessions with a counselor, who came to the conclusion that everything was in my imagination and that I needed to be "more sexually open" with my husband. I never went back. Every time we argued, about anything, all the old issues and hurt came back, and I would bring up the fact that he threw me under the bus to the counselor by agreeing that I was imagining things. He initially stayed calm, telling me that he would never cheat on me, then over the years started getting angry when I would bring it up, telling me that it was all my imagination and I was crazy.Fast forward 15 years, the suspicions are stronger than ever and I tell him that I don't want a divorce, don't want to break up our family, but something has to change because I can't live like this anymore. A few days later, he came home and said he needed to talk to me. I knew I was going to hear about the long-ago affair. He started talking, and there was so much more. Affairs with three different women over the last twelve years, lots of sexual innuendo with other women, and that claim that he would never expose me or the kids to an std? His saying "the kids" should have been a red flag to me at the time: he came into the relationship with an incurable std and never told me, even when I was pregnant. I was devastated, and kept asking if there was more. He insisted, swore, that he had told me everything. Except there was more disclosure over the next few days, details he had left out, like an affair before we were married (but living together). I asked every question I could think of, some of which I now regret knowing the answers to. We started seeing a counselor immediately, and found out my husband has a sex and porn addiction. We both found other individual counselors who deal with sex addiction, he is in group counseling and we both attend 12 step meetings. Over the next six months even more trickled out, then we had a formal disclosure, where I learned more details about the first counselor we had seen, 15 years ago. Turns out my husband had gotten a polygraph without telling me. He wrote the questions, wording them so he would pass, then called that counselor before our first appointment and told him he had not had an affair, he had a polygraph to prove it, and that I was crazy. heartinflight
He swore at that point that I knew absolutely everything, and hoped that we could put it behind us, thought it would be a "new start" for us. After finding out the details about the first counseling sessions, I asked him to move out for a while to give me time and space to think. A couple months later, something prompted me to ask another question and he told me that the last time he had seen the last affair partner, (affair had ended several years earlier but they occasionally talked) he had hit on her and wanted to start things up with her again. She turned him down and 5 months later is when he felt "he couldn't live with the guilt any longer" and decided to tell me about the affairs.My life has been turned upside down. The level of deception and betrayal is overwhelming. I didn't know this kind of emotional pain was possible. He is remorseful and says he can't believe what he's done, he hopes we can work through this and stay married. I have consulted an attorney but am not ready to commit, either to a divorce or to staying in the marriage.I know that I will never completely trust him again, and that I will never feel the love for him that I used to. I've always wanted a marriage (don't we all?) where I felt that my husband was my best friend, that I felt confident he would always have my best interest at heart, and that he loved me as much as I loved him. I don't want to stay in a marriage out of fear that I will never find anyone else and be alone for the rest of my life. I also don't want to feel like last choice, or plan B, that he decided to come clean and work on his marriage because the one he wanted to be with doesn't want him. And I don't want to live in fear - that he will "relapse" and do this again.....It's been 14 months and I have been able to work through a lot of the pain and anger (rage) through counseling. I feel like my life is in limbo and I can't live like this much longer. I know the pain will never be completely gone. I look at him now and all I see the person who was capable of looking me in the eye and swearing that he was faithful, the person who was willing to make me think I was crazy rather than be honest about what he was doing. I see the other women, the horrific porn images that are forever in his mind...and pray that someday, somehow, I can get to the point that I don't think about this every waking minute.heartinflight
I completely understand how you feel toward your H, heartinflight. I feel so similarly - love him but will never fully trust him again and don't think I can ever love him as deeply as I used to. He now tells me that he is "the luckiest guy in the world" (because I am giving him a final chance) and sometimes he goes on to say "I hope you feel lucky too". Um, no, I will never feel 'lucky' to be married to a reformed CH. He tells me that the COW was the worst decision of his life and I am "the best decision of his life" and he hopes I feel the same way about him. Um, no, I may someday be at peace with my decisions regarding our marriage, but 'the best decision', nope!
Hi Anon, i am sorry you are here. There are amazing ladies on this site, they forgive have compassion, understanding, the list is endless. Do you know what i think, i think these men are selfish people who should know better, getting off on what they do. i am 61 years old and i am trying to get over my H cheating!!! why are we going through this it is unacceptable AND i will never look or respect my H like i used to. They lie and cheat and its because they like doing what they do. I still dont know if i should have stayed!!! I am still waiting for something else he might be doing POP up from nowhere. No one knows the pain Anon unless they have experiented it like us. You are in good hands here, its a matter of time................ you will feel better xxxx
I always think that why stay with the W if they want to do what they do LEAVE!!! i know life isnt that simple but i think the fact that they have someone at home adds to the excitement of it all. Why carry it on so long!!! If it was me i would say i dont love you i am leaving!! I have great admiration for they ladies on this site, i still struggle with the whys and why fors but 2 years on i feel at least a little human, so will you xx
Heartinflight, like you I have come to discover my H is also a sex addict. Just know, as you 12 step like I do, do NOT let anyone put the co-dependant label on you. I must say my group is fantastic in this regard. We all agree "after hours" that it's impossible to be co anything to something you did not know was happening. Even if you had a feeling, a hunch, something, nothing can prepare you for this devastation that those actions and that freeking compulsion or disease brings into your life. The stories i have would curl your hair as I am sure yours would mine- I mean, your polygraph story floored me--how could that NOT be a red flag to a shrink? They can fool just about anyone, and that's scary. I feel fortunate (for myself) that I have found strength in my own journey. I had to wade like hell through the pain and hurt and lies to find it, but i found it. If you come to the conclusion that you cant live like this, that's OK. No one would condemn you for leaving. Unlike your "other" half, you have given this your best shot. I believe that you have. I think that my relationship is now stronger, but I don't think that everyone can live with this sort of history and continue the relationship. I'm not sure how I am doing it, but i am. i take solace in the fact, or at least the hope, that i am not being duped anymore. I know there are a lot of women in the world who are being fooled daily. and the one thing I cannot tolerate is humiliation. I hate that I know some things that I know, but I am glad they are not little fucking secrets he keeps to himself. I'm sure he has some, but I know enough. He's come a long way and has a long way, a lifetime to go, and so although I love him, at this point, our shrink says, it would be foolish to trust him completely so i feel fully vindicated in not and have no shame in there. Once trust is lost is much harder to earn it back. He can just keep working. I wish you some love girl.
Thank you, Browneyedgirl, Jilly55 and Steam, for the comments. I am so happy to have found this site.I'm past the stage (for the most part) of disbelief that this has happened, but I'm still shocked that he could hide this for so long. Some days I feel like I can get past this, maybe we can get to a place of acceptance and being able to call the past the past. Most days, I feel like there is no way in hell I'm staying married to someone who could look me in the eye and lie to me, who would rather hurt me by telling me I was crazy, than admit the truth about what he'd been doing. How does someone knowingly expose another human being to an incurable std without telling them? Even when they are pregnant with your child? I understand (as much as I can at this point) the guilt and shame cycle of an addict, but I still cannot come to terms with the lack of character and humanity necessary to withhold something so serious. Right now, I don't think any amount of therapy is going to make me want to stay married to him. HeartinFlight
HeartinFlight, like Steam, I am also married to a man with a history of porn, massage parlors, jerk off joints and prostitutes. His disclosure to me in June 2015 was because he thought he had AIDS. He had been sick for awhile and everyone was baffled so once he decided to tell the doctor at his visit the next day, he sat me down that night and told me about his paying for sex. That was one week before our daughter delivered her first baby and it shattered my world and my life. It took many months of me searching the web and reading stuff and sending him stuff and asking if he thought he was a sex addict with him denying it before he finally took one of the online tests. The thing I was hung up on was his inability to answer one question, "Why did you do this?" He always said, "I don't know". That was his truth and it took him taking the test, accepting that some of the questions in the test were true about his early childhood and then buying a book from George Collins about Overcoming Sexual Compulsion to really start getting his head on strait. He really hated himself and wanted to stop. He did not understand the roots of addictions were in his childhood. He did attend counseling both individually and with me. He took a Mindfulness class for addiction and was able to tell me some hard truths about the life he lived as a child and the beliefs he had about himself that set in motion a life of shame around using sex to manage difficult emotions. The key for him (and me) is that he was so disgusted with himself he wanted to change because he felt like he wanted to die rather than continue to live the life he was living. If you read about sexual compulsions (Compulsion solutions web site has a good blog) and try to understand sex addiction you will read that this has nothing to do with us. This is very personal for our husbands and was set in place when they were very young. It was grandfathered into our marriage in 1979 and will forever be part of my husband's life. It was awful and his parents were awful and he had awful experiences that reinforced his persona beliefs about himself that he was worthless. Elle has a a couple of early posts about sex addiction if you can find them. Oh, yes, he is handsome and had a very wonderful career, masters degree, well thought of smart but that was not reflected in his psyche. So many things I can't even say. I think for most of us married to men with sexual compulsions, they have to hit bottom in such a way that they will do anything to stop that behavior. It is not easy but many men manage to do it. They have triggers and such that they must learn to manage. The one thing that helped my husband the most was taking the mindfulness class for addictions. It was like the icing on the cake from therapy and George's book on overcoming sexual compulsion. I can't un-know what I know about his acting out but I also can't un-know all of the awful things that happened to him that created the emotional void in his heart that he filled the only way he know how and that was to self comfort with sex. Moving from masterbation to porn to strip clubs to jerk off joints to massage parlors, prostitutes etc continued to leave him feeling shame and void of emotions. This is his journey and it has caused me deep pain but it is much worse for him than me. We are working hard on our marriage and both want to stay together. You will learn about boundaries here and how to set and keep them. It is hard, and Steam is a pro at them. We love you, we feel for you and we will support any decision or choice you make. Peace and Love
We have been married 6 years. Second marriage for both of us with a long time single.He is the love of my life, my friend, my confidante and fellow adventurer.A couple of months ago we had a period where we were both wirking hard, week ends apart etc. the week of my birthday he was in another city for work. His replies to my texts were brief but I didn't think much if it. Then my mother became very sick. I spent ten days with her in hospital and she eventually died. He was distant during this time but did. One and support me a couple of times. The day she died he left for the other city saying he had a meeting. He stayed there two nights and a day. The night of her death I rang him in tears. I was distressed. But most distressed by him going off and leaving me. When he came back I asked how could he do that. I can't remember what else I said but whatever I said he confessed to an affair with a younger woman. Several weeks. The next few days were dark and I was numb or crying. Tried to put in a brace face for my kids and my family. What hurts me so much is the death of my mother is forever tainted by the lies, receipt and betrayal of my husband. When I needed him he rationalised that he could be away as I had my extended family. Even now almost 6 weeks I still can't grieve for my mother. I am broken. I am sad I am so hurt. He says he loves me. He says it is over. There is no more contact. He says he has chosen me. That he is committed to rebuilding our marriage and me.But it doesn't help me much. I'm still numb at times, overwhelmed with sadness, disbelief that this has happened to me. And what did I do to deserve this. I love my husband even more I think but I have anger, grief, sadness. I am disappointed that he doesn't understand how incredibly big the pain is that I carry. Some days are ok for a few minutes anyway. And then I remember. It is real. It happened. Some days it feels like I am drowning in misery. Others I feel ok because I distract myself. Then the thoughts and questions return. Therapy helps a little. Talking with friends helps a little. But I think seeing how other betrayed wives have coped and got stronger and better had been such a comfort to me. Thank you
MM So very sorry for your pain! Hugs to you! Keep coming to this site. Read the words of all these incredibly strong women. Be a friend to yourself. Go to the mirror, look into those eyes, tell that woman that she's beautiful (Elle's advice). She may not hear or believe you for awhile, but don't give up! Hugs to you!!
My D-Day was June 17, a week ago today. We’ve known each other for 10 years, married almost 5. The last year was tough because I had accepted a dream job in Seattle. He was commuting still to San Diego where we had lived. When I accepted my job last year, he worked out a 12-month transition period with his job, where he’d be in Seattle a few days a week, then more, then this summer – we were almost there – fully with me.He told me how supportive he was of me following my dreams. He said that one year where we still got to see each other every week was going to be a blink of an eye in a lifetime together. By January, we had gotten over the midway hump. It felt like we could start planning for our new life in a new city. Out of nowhere, in mid-May, he arrived in Seattle on his normal flight and was cold and detached. I asked him what was going on. He told me he was “Going through some stuff.” “What stuff?” That’s when he had the nerve to start asking me if I thought our marriage was really working. Excuse me, WHAT? He’d never said anything like that before. We spent two days “talking things through” and at the end of that weekend in mid-May, I thought we had broken through. Some old resentments had surfaced, we talked about them, and he seemed genuine when he said, “I’m so sorry, I was angry at the situation and I forgot all the good about us.”The rest of May seemed lovely including a weekend in wine country and long hikes to reconnect. We signed a new lease for a bigger apartment. Still, there was still some part of him that seemed opaque. He writes songs and has always shared his lyric notebook with me. He was still asleep on the morning of June 17, just a week ago, and I was in our office where our cat likes to eat, giving her breakfast. I saw his lyric notebook and decided to see if there was a recent song that would shed some light into his mood. On the 1st page, there was a song questioning where time was going. The kind of thing you write when you’re 38 and midlife feelings start to hit. Then, I turned the page and found a 3-page “list” that started: I love Jen. I love Patty. I love Jen because… I love Patty because… And on and on and on.I just stood there shaking. I heard him calling my name from the bedroom and walked back to face him. I started at him and said, “Who the f*** is Patty?” He sat up and I repeated myself. It took the last week to get the truth out of him. At least I think I know the truth, but who knows. He gave me access to all his devices, I read everything, the lot. He had started flirting with this woman, a coworker, back in January. Via work email. This woman, who is my age and has been divorced 2 years, flirted and told him how great he was. They were mutually flirting and building up a romance. She knew he was married.When I made him open his phone bill, it showed they started talking every day in mid-March. Exactly one week to the day that we returned from a beautiful vacation in Mexico. They started calling each other for hours at a time. (She also lives in another city but visits the office in SD where he works.) He called her every morning and night, even when he was in Seattle. When I’d go to bed, he’d call her. When I left for work, he’d call her. He called her 3 times on my birthday. He called her when we were away in late May in wine country, sneaking out while I was in the bath.They had just “kissed for the first time” before that weekend he became cold and distant with me in May. She had just been in San Diego for work and they had “hung out.” On June 4, she flew out again to San Diego to meet him. They met up at the airport when he was flying back to SoCal after spending a week with me. He told me that as soon as he saw her in the airport, he knew he couldn’t “go through with it,” but she still came back to his place and spent two nights with him. My soul feels absolutely crushed right now. He told me he ended it on June 10 (a week before I found out). He says he will do anything to be with me. He can go to hell.
Anonymous, I am so sorry you found yourself part of the club that no married woman wants to join. What do you want? If your H did everything right to reconcile with you would you want to try? There is no wrong or right answer to that, it is highly personal and you will find that the wonderful women on this blog will be there to hold you up no matter what you decide. Elle has a lot of good posts on here about what H needs to do to have a shot at winning you back. MC/IC has helped many of us - a 3rd party professional who does this for a living can be a godsend. Sending you my empathy. I hope you find comfort on this site.
AnonI'm sorry you've been betrayed. This is a safe place to share, you are among women who care about you! Hugs.
Thanks so much Browneyedgirl. My first step right now is figuring out what I want. I left for a week to spend time with my mom and sister in Houston. That meant having to also take time out of work at the worst possible time. So, I'm super anxious and overwhelmed at not only the situation, but having told a relatively new employer during a major event at work that I had to leave for a week due to a family crisis. They've been understanding, but I'm having a hard time not feeling overwhelmed by 1) all of my emotions and distress, 2) making emotional space to think about what I really want now, and 3) knowing there is a ton of work I'm falling behind on. I work for a major corporation, and I left and could only say family crisis. I know people will expect me to have had a death in the family to have taken off at such a busy time, so now I don't even know what I'm going to tell people when I get back later this week.As you can see, I'm swirling all over the place.
Adding to my story above...My name is Jen, BTW. So, while posting as anonymous, fine to call me Jen. I didn't know how to add my name without revealing more info about myself. So, adding to above, my husband is going to an all-company event the week of July 11, and the OW will be there. He has sworn he has made arrangements to not be around her. Most people are flying in and staying at the hotel where the conference will be, but he and his boss will be driving to the conference every day -- as one of his examples. He has the nerve to say, I'm going to do everything possible to make this less traumatic for you...WHAT? So the choice here is, 1) I ask him to leave his job (everyone at the company is expected to attend and he's presenting) and then not only do I have to shoulder the burden of our finances until he finds something else, he also gets to build resentment toward me for leaving his job?? Or 2) I get to wonder WTF for an entire week when he's at this event, even if he's not staying at the hotel? Even if 100+ other people will also be there??? No idea what to do with this, any advice appreciated.
Thanks, Truth. Appreciate your message.
Hi Jen,This is how you give yourself a 'name' on here. On the Reply as: Select profile.. dropdown, select Name/URL. Type your name or nickname in the first line and leave the URL blank. THis is how makes it 'less traumatic for you' and begins the very hard work to repair your marriage. a) He must have NC with the OW. In an ideal world he would get 'sick' and miss the meeting. But, if it could risk your family's livelihood then you could insist that he calls OW with you on speaker phone and ends it simply, factually, cleanly. b) he gives you ALL the passwords to his phone, email, etc. c) someone on this blog gave me the idea to put a 'Find Friends' or other app on your phones. You can see where is phone is at all times and through this blog I also learned how to read my H's texts on line, even if he deletes them on the phone they stay on the web, this depends on which carrier you have. d) one of them needs to find a new job - he can begin his search now. Good chance they are both at risk of getting fired for using their work email in that manner, if I were them I'd rather look for a new job now then have my HC department get those emails and fire me. e) remorse goes to MC, I would even go further to say that CH is the one who should be responsible for making the apts. Remorse goes to IC to figure out what flaw allowed them to sabotage the best thing in their life (many of us find something significant in their childhood, etc)f) while he is at conference you go see your GYN (get all the appropriate tests), see an IC (for you own sanity) and an attorney (that doesn't mean you have to file, it just means you are getting educated, often for no charge, on what your rights are should you separate or divorce).I think many of us understand how being betrayed can affect your work - it certainly affected mine. My company offered an EAP and I used them, although I think they were blown away by the circumstances, but they did help me with the anxiety & depression. But you need your work. It gives you purpose. It gives you financial security. I bet you are amazing at work! You can continue to be vague with why you had to take off - say there was a major illness in the family, you don't have to share details and then get caught up in the story.