This is a super long post, but it's my way of getting it all out while asking for different points of view and understanding how others have dealt with this type of grief.
I've been with my husband for almost 9 years in all and we've been married for 5. 2 years into our relationship, I found out he was cheating on me. I ended it and cut off all contact, refusing to answer his texts or respond to his emails and FB messages. About a week later, he texted and asked me if I would answer his call and just hear him out. He said I could hang up after he was done talking but he really needed to talk to me. So I let him call and he was crying. I mean the kind of cry where you can't catch your breath. He told me how sorry he was and that he couldn't live without me. He said he would change all the negative parts about him(because there were several), and be the man I needed him to be. I made him tell me every detail about what he'd been doing and for how long. I told him we were at rock bottom and there was no need to hide anything, because this is the time to lay it all out.
So we moved on and our relationship grew even stronger. We got engaged 8 months later and married a year later. Life has been great and he is literally a changed man. His friends say it, his coworkers say it. Hell, even his mom says it.
Fast forward to now, which is 8 years since the incident, and I found out that during the time he was cheating, it wasn't just one girl. There were two. I confronted him and he confessed.
It feels like it just happened even though it was 8 years ago, because he lied when he had the chance to come clean. He said he didn't want to hurt me even more than he did at time. I struggle with the lie. I struggle with the fact that he was able to keep it for this long and sleep at night.
I constantly want to have sex with him and I think I'm looking for this moment that will reconnect us and make it all better, but it never happens. I wind up feeling empty and alone.
I think the hardest thing for me is the lie. I knew he cheated way back then and to be honest, it could have been with a dozen women. But the lie is what hurts the most, or at least that's what I think. I'm so confused and wonder if I'm overreacting.
Camilla, I'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. Let's start with, no, you're not overreacting. You are reacting exactly like a woman in love who gave a guy a second chance only to discover that he had lied to her and never came completely clean. You have been betrayed and that hurts deeply. And yes, for a lot of us the lying is the most painful part. It's so...intentional. As for the emptiness after sex, yes, I understand that too. We want to reconnect and so we seek out intimacy. But until you feel truly emotionally safe, then that emptiness will likely remain. And that's where the work for both of you is -- if you choose to stay married. To create a relationship in which you ARE emotionally safe. In which you can trust that he will tell you the truth even if it hurts, even if he risks losing you. He will tell you the truth and you will do likewise because that's what we owe the people we love. Honesty. Integrity. Respect. Can he offer that? I don't know. But that's where the recovery work is. As for you, a lot of us experience post-trauma in the wake of betrayal. And that's often why, when it happens again, or we learn of new details, suddently it feels immediate again. It's like it's happening RIGHT NOW even though it might have been months/years ago. And the thing is, for you, it IS happening right now. You are learning of the additional betrayal (the lying) right now. It doesn't matter that it actually happened years ago. If you don't already have a therapist, I hope you'll get one to help you process this pain. You will get past this, Camilla. Just like you did before. But it takes work and time and a whole lot of self-care.
Hi Camilla! Thank-you for sharing and I am so sorry for what has brought you to BWC, but am glad that you found BWC! You are not overreacting, not one single bit. He has fed you crumbs of information to suit his needs, not yours. It sounds like he was too afraid to lose you by spilling everything, so he fed you what he thought you could handle. I am so sorry. What if it was more than two? three? ten? Please consider this is a distinct possibility. Some of these males are repeat offenders. Even when I confronted my rotten cheating wasband with facts that I discovered, he tried to dodge and weave and continued to lie. It was like pulling teeth from a donkey. His guilt/shame and need to continue to lie/cheat/have secrets were greater than my mental well-being and feeling safe in the marriage. No-one gets to do that in my life, not anymore. Period. We are separated over two years now, and I find out he still has his secret flings, and he still denies it, even when faced with facts. He is a coward and has not spared me with his lies. I have heard from therapists that from D-Day, full disclosure is necessary. Horrid, but necessary. But many of these cheaters hide their lies and us women find out more and more horrible things in dribs and drabs, it is like being wrapped in a giant bandaid and having it slowly and continually pulled off. When does it stop? btw your post is not super-long, my reply is!! I am so sorry. This is a rough road to walk on. Perhaps counselling? can there be a CIA type of interrogation for these guys, to make them tell the truth?? is that what it takes? At the end of the day, you need to be ok. So please take care of yourself, trust your intuition/instincts/gut feelings and let us all know how you are??? big hugs.....
Married over 40 yes. 4 mths ago caught husband cheating with married 31 yr old. I am 59 and he is 61. I'm devastated. Crushed beyond words. Took pills and drank the night I found out. Other woman told me everything. How she lived him and wanted him to run away with her. Since found out this is her M O. Seduces older men. She's certifiable. Spike to her husband. Found out about criminal past etc. Blows my mind that my husband, retired police, was stupid to fall for narcissistic slut. He was my soulmate, at least he said for all these years. Wants me to forgive. How can I ? I'm lost and so sad. My heart is broken. He said he was not himself, depressed over his life . Was upset over not being successful and where he wanted to be at this stage in his life. Had nothing to do with love for me. Says he was selfish and wishes he never did it. I feel So Betrayed. Can't breathe.
Anonymous, Oh sweetie. The pain. I know the pain. I know the not being able to breathe. I know the pills and the alcohol and the desire to obliterate myself. To not have to feel. But please please hang on. The world needs you. Cause here's the absolute truth: He didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. He's telling you the truth. He's telling you he's broken and he did something horribly stupid. He's right. He has betrayed the person he loves in the worst possible way. And he needs to figure out exactly why. That's HIS job. To get therapy and get clear on what the hell he was doing. Your job, Anonymous, is to save yourself. To heal yourself. To, right now, be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you'd treat a beloved friend going through such pain. Remind yourself that you are incredible. That you are loyal. That you did NOTHING to deserve this. As for forgiveness, that might come if you see him work his ass off to become a better man. But it won't come right now. Nor should it. You can, if you want to, agree to give him the chance to show you that he will NEVER do that to you again. (But you can also walk away. Your choice. And you get to make it whenever you're ready. Now. Later. Your choice.) But know this, Anonymous: If you do the work of healing yourself, whether he stays or go won't affect your happiness because you will know that it's an inside job. It takes time. That's the bad news. The good news is you're going to be okay. Fight like hell for yourself, Anonymous, because you are worth it.
I found about about my husband's online affair several years ago, like in February 2004. Two kids, trying the keep the household together, etc. and that brings us to today. I still haven't dealt with my feelings and, not sure how I feel at all. I don't trust my husband to this day. Even after the first affair, i'll call it, he continued at least one other "affair". We talked about 3 months ago about how I really was ready to walk. I have a very hard time talking about things and it just all came out one day. I explained how I felt. I explained how I didn't feel, i.e. like I didn't love him. Bottom line, he said he would like to work things out but if I wasn't willing to let things go, i.e. forgive and forget for a lack of better words, it wasn't going to work. I agree with that, if I can't let it go, I really don't see how it works. I just don't know how to let it go. I've read a lot about limiting talking about it, moving forward, etc. but I don't really have the tools to do that. I said this to him, that since he broke it, he could find the marriage counselor if he was serious about working it out. I realize that wasn't probably the best response but it was my response. Like I said, this conversation was about 3 months ago. Today, I asked my husband if he found a counselor, his response: OMG, I completely forgot. Of course, my response was well, if you really don't want to work it out, that is how you feel, it is what it is. He said I just forgot. This whole thing has been constantly on my mind, day in and day out, how do you forget? But he said he wants to work it out. He sends me 3 links for possible counselors in our area. That was how he looked for a counselor. I really am at a loss. I'm not really to work it out but I have to say, I don't know if I can. I am thankful for your blog. I have started reading it but felt the need to post this comment. My own blog of sorts. I started journling but my entries are so negative. I don't journal every day but when I do, it's at a time when I'm at my lowest. Anyway, thank you for blog. I will read away, looking to point myself in the right direction that's right for me.
Wanda, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. And yes, I can imagine it's hard to know how you feel when, I suspect, your feelings have never been given much space. What I hope for you is that you find a counsellor for YOU. Not a couples counsellor at this point (and yes, I agree that it's his job to arrange that. I don't buy the "forget" excuse.). I want you to find a safe space where you can begin to explore how you feel, what you want and how you are going to achieve that. I want you to have someone who will push you into some discomfort but in a safe space with support -- I have a hunch that you have lived most of your life unable to share your feelings even with yourself. It's time to get to know yourself, Wanda. You are undoubtedly an amazing person who is FAR too hard on herself. Keep journalling and don't censor yourself. You are most definitely allowed to be "negative" when you are going through the agony of betrayal. Put all your feelings on the page. Let them out. They deserve your respect. And please...find yourself a therapist who will support you in this.
I am 29 years old and I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old. February 19,2021 I found out my husband was cheating on me with an old classmate from high school that is also married and has kids. I was looking through my T-Mobile bill and I started looking thru his call history and there was a number that he kept calling and they would spend hours on the phone together every single day.. He even called her on our anniversary and Valentine’s Day I can’t even tell you how much I am hurting I feel like my world is falling apart.. As soon as I called him I confronted him straight away and he didn’t deny it.. I asked him who it was and he didn’t want to tell me anything I could only get so little out of him.. So I called her and the skank of course didn’t answer me because he had already warned her. I told her to leave my husband alone and asked her who she was but of course that coward couldn’t even answer me. I was going to leave with my kids because I didn’t want to be in this house anymore because he told me she had been there when I was at work.. I hate him so much I can’t believe he did that to me I loved him so much I gave up everything to be with him I struggled hard I helped him get through school I would do everything and anything for him I can’t believe that he hurt me this bad. I told him in order for me to stay he had to call her in front of me and tell her it was over but he didn’t want to because he said that was too embarrassing so he just sent her a text telling her not to ever contact him again and he was changing his number but that’s just not good enough for me. I feel like maybe it’s all just a plot so that they make me believe that it’s over when it’s really not.. The first few days were rough I couldn’t sleep all night and I would cry and I wouldn’t eat.. Then I would just talk shit to him at night and make things worse..I’m trying to stop but I can’t stop thinking about it and my stomach feels like it has knots and then I just feel so enraged I feel like I lost all my twenties just so I could be with someone who doesn’t love me.. Then two weeks after everything happened that dumb skank text me and told me not to worry about her and my husband that it was a mistake and she would never contact him again and that she had already moved on with someone else.. She reopened my wounds right back up I freaking hate her so much there are so many men out there why did she want mine she has no self respect or dignity.. I just hope I can start healing now I’m trying to work on myself he said the reason why he did it was because I let myself go and we weren’t having a lot of intimacy and that I never wanted to hangout with him but we have three kids I’m literally always tired and I have a full time job.. My dad also passed away from COVID a few days before my bday so that made really depressed and of course I gained quarantine pounds but idk I just feel like that’s not an excuse for what he did. I just have no one to talk to about this I don’t want my friends or family to judge me
Anonymous, I am so so sorry for what you're going through. But here's the thing: You don't have to tell us how deep the pain is because we know. We've been there. We know the sleepless nights, the shit-talking at all hours, the rage, the agony, the insecurity. We know it all. Which is to say, everything you're feeling right now is perfectly normal under the circumstances. And it's also to say, you won't feel like this forever. But...right now, you hold the power. YOU get to decide what happens going forward. If he even wants you to consider staying in this marriage, he needs to get over his "it's too embarrassing" to call the OW and start taking his marching orders from you. What do you need for reconciliation? Well, you probably need access to any/all devices to ensure that he's NOT in contact with her (or as sure as you can ever be). You likely need him to get his ass into therapy so that he can begin to understand why he risked his entire family for a woman who doesn't matter. He needs to learn how to articulate his own needs/wants in a way that's respectful and honest. And, I suspect, you need to do the same. We moms tend to take on so much, feel somewhat resentful that we're taking on so much (even though we absolutely love our children -- I have three too and it is WORK). And then to lose your dad!! I'm so so sorry. But here's another thing that I want you to absorb into your bones: He didn't cheat because there's anything wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. His job is to fix it. Yours is to heal yourself, which begins with learning to prioritize your own care. If you honestly do feel like you've "let yourself go", what do you need to feel good again? Hikes with friends? Time to read a book? Figure it out and then build it into your life. You matter, Anonymous. Your needs matter. His do too. But he doesn't get to throw a temper tantrum by cheating. You'll find a lot of incredible wise, compassionate women here. Let us guide you forward. But I hope you'll also get to a place where you can tell trusted friends and family what's happened to you without shame. You did nothing wrong. His cheating wasn't an indictment of you. And you get to decide what to do going forward. There are, literally, millions of us in this club we never wanted to join. Welcome.
My story is like so many others. I never saw it coming, we had talked before we were married, having both been cheated on before, and we swore we'd never cheat on each other. He came from an unconventional family that he was always a little ashamed of and I knew he craved a traditional family unit. This year is our 10th anniversary, we have three daughters aged 8, 5, and 2.
DD1 was Feb 12. I was sorting our family photos on my laptop trying to put a photo book together for his mom. His file of photos was a mess because he takes a million pictures of the same thing, saves every meme and never deletes screenshots. Well that's what got him caught. I found sexy selfies and genital pics that had never been sent to me, then screenshots of his profile on kik and of the groups he was in and other conversations. Spoiler alert kik is a hook up app in case you were like me and completely in the dark about these things. That night after he was asleep I tried to go on his laptop to look through the pictures on there but I couldn't get on, his password was changed. So I tried his phone and was in luck, the passcode wasn't even on. I looked through everything ending with the kik app. On there were 3 conversations with women and multiple groups he was in like curvy girls, friends with benefits, amature videos. After looking through them all I found out he was sexting, sending and receiving videos and pictures, and had 'only managed to meet up with TJ a handful of times in the last 3 years, stupid covid' (he had said this to someone else). He had said to TJ and two others that I was taking the kids to see my parents at Easter and he hoped they could work something out for then. I looked through his phone all night, packed a suitcase, made valentines for my kids and wrote them a note saying I was going to be really busy at the hospital all weekend and wouldn't be home. Checked in to the hotel at 7am, sent a text telling him I knew and I wouldn't be home till Monday night after my shift and that he should figure out what he wanted. He called and in my sleep deprived state I answered. His first questions: What do you know and have you told anybody. It was so disappointing. He begged me to come home so we could work it out I said no. I tried to work that weekend and ended up having to be off sick. Because it was a weekend it was a scramble to get coverage and everyone knows I was off for mental health reasons. And that makes me so angry, that he's done this to me and I come off looking weak or that I just became depressed and stressed out of the blue. I went home Sunday instead to talk after the kids were in bed. He said it started 4 years ago, sexting, admitted it was cheating, swore that he met TJ twice at a bar in group settings and once in his truck where he couldn't get it up because he was scared. He obviously hated himself, was very remorseful, he looked like crap, hadn't slept or ate and admitted he had a plan to hang himself in the garage Monday evening before I got home from work - so the kids wouldn't be left alone but wouldn't find him. I took this seriously and immediately put my feelings away and took care of him. I took him to urgent care the next day (Family day ironically) and he was assessed, sent home with sleeping pills and a referral to sex addiction counseling. He was a lot calmer after talking to the counselor that day. And I told him I didn't want to divorce without trying to rebuild first. So now he could see a way forward. I wanted to comfort him, I also started having HB and we were intimate that week. I continued to ask if it was everything, if he was telling the truth and he continued to swear up and down and on my life that it was. (cont)
DD2 was two weeks later. I asked for his laptop, realizing I still hadn't looked at it. I sat there going through all his photos, being disgusted with the offensive and sexual memes he had saved. And the very next picture would be of one of our girls and I just thought how can you have this sh*t when you have 3 girls? My oldest is the same age I was when I started looking at my friend's dads porn mags, I grew up thinking that was what sex was, that was what women were supposed to be and do. Anyway he was just sitting beside me looking like a ball of misery, I should've suspected but it took me watching a video of him having sex with her about 5 times for me to believe it. There were 5 or 6 videos and multiple pictures, with different date stamps. He admitted yes they had sex, it was in her trailer at her farm, only once they had sex and twice after that it was 'just a blow job'. Again up all night asking him everything, going through absolutely everything on his laptop. I told him I wanted him to actually do something and got him to download an audiobook called Out of the Doghouse. I went to work that day and made it till after lunch, when I broke down to my coworker and she sent me home. The next day he started listening to the book. I could tell he was determined to say something that evening so I finally sat there and said so? what is it?
DD3 He calmly sat and laid out a timeline of how it all started 7 years ago. A friend of his from way back asked him to use kik to text as she didn't have a cell plan. She's always had a thing for him and she told him, he liked the ego boost and they started sexting. He said that was on and off for a couple of years then she left kik and he found all the other groups and people. He said it was all a make believe life, just talking each other up and getting ego boosts all the time. Plus he was bored with porn, it was too fake for him and this was exciting. He met TJ 5 years ago, met her at a bar once, was comfortable with her so they had sex 3 years ago and then twice he got BJs from her after that. The first time he met her for sex was when we were trying to conceive our youngest! He said she's married with 4 kids and her and her husband have permission to sleep with other people. Must be nice, I thought, that her husband got a say in their sex life. He said there's been times he tried to stop, but it didn't last long. He also admitted some of his thinking like he would resent going out of town or camping because he knew I wouldn't sleep with him with the kids in the room, or if he did a chore he would be resentful that he didn't get rewarded with sex. It's so messed up. I honestly didn't really believe it was sex addiction till I went on his laptop and saw all these things. He has so much shame, he wants to do whatever is necessary to change, he hates the life he was living and honestly right now he hates himself. His first counseling appointment isn't for another 2 weeks.
I haven't been coping well. I got written off for 2 weeks from work and my doctor put in a referral for counseling for me. I tried my work counseling but got tired of hearing 'take a bath' when I can't cope. Like a mom of 3 young kids gets to do what she needs to when she needs to. I have my first appointment with another counselor in two weeks. I started drinking, I know I shouldn't and I haven't in 3 days because the last time I did I self injured. When I don't feel numb I feel like garbage. When we talk be both just cry and feel ashamed. I'm starting to really resent his hang dog attitude but I know if he acts normal I'll hate that too. We both feel like we're just faking life right now and struggling.
Oh and we're listing our house this week, staging it and moving stuff into storage because we're building a house and we take possession soon, a house we can't afford if we divorce. And I have my STD test on Thursday. I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep.
Anonymous, my heart is breaking for you. Your story, sadly, sounds pretty familiar. But it's YOU I'm worried about. He either will or won't get his shit together (I hope he will!) but whatever he does, I want you to know that you are worth fighting like hell for. You are worth doing everything you need to do to get yourself back on solid ground. I, too, had three young kids when I found out. What I want you to do is figure out how to carve out time so that you can a) see a therapist regularly who can help you process this and b) find the space to cry/scream/exercise/drive/listen to music...whatever you can do to take care of yourself. This is possibly the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Betrayal is such a deep primal wound and when we discover that our partner, the person we trusted, was like a stranger, it's destabilizing. Our world suddenly doesn't make sense. I promise you that's a temporary feeling. YOU make sense. YOU are stable. And, as much as it sucks that you have to do this, you can be the foundation on which your kids continue to stand. Because this is destabilizing for them too, even if they don't quite understand what's happening. So let them be your reminder of your worth and your importance and the necessity that you save yourself. Start with a therapist. A safe space where you can begin to figure out where you go from here. And, when it all feels too much, try to just focus on the now. What do I need now? How can I care for myself now? At the risk of sounding puritanical, please don't drink right now. As you note, you can do things that harm yourself. But it's also a slippery slope. (I come from a long line of alcoholics.) Yes, the pain can feel overwhelming. But trust me when I say that you are stronger than it is. It will feel like it might consume you but then it will crest and recede. We have all been where you are, Anonymous. And many MANY of us have come through to the other side. You will too. I don't know what that will look like for you but if you continue to treat yourself gently and kindly and with respect, you will be just fine.
We are getting married in May. I just found out that he was having an online sexual relationship with a girl that is almost 10 years younger than us by looking through his phone. I found pictures and videos of him pleasuring himself that I know were never sent to me. When I confronted him about it, he admitted he messed up and told me that he wanted to work things out and would be honest about everything. He told me it's been going on since January, but it only started as a friendship. They would only text and talk on the phone a couple days a week and he would never talk to her while I was around. He doesn't have any friends and sought out a friendship online. She started sending him naked pictures of herself and he said he was weirded out, but didn't want to lose her as a friend, so he called her beautiful, pretty, and other flattering names. He started sending pictures and videos back, but only when she asked. He told me he never asked for her to send him pictures either. He would get off at work and at home (before I came home from work), but says he wasn't attracted to her, it was just porn to him. He said he never loved her or cared about her, it was just free porn. However, he told me that when she would send him pictures of her naked, he would already be aroused from thinking about me. He imagined the pictures of her body were mine. He assured me that he would only be getting off to me or a scene that he made up in his head of us and the videos/pictures he sent her were just a heat of the moment thing and he only sent them because she requested them. I'm very hurt. I feel unattractive, unlovable, and confused. Why would he do this? Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I never imagined he would stoop this low. We both have been cheated on in the past, so if he knows how it feels, why do it to me? Did he not love me enough? What's wrong with me? We had a serious talk and agreed that we should be transparent and have open communication about everything. I have free access to his phone (even though I feel weird going on to look at it). We talked about why he did this and agreed that he didn't set boundaries with this girl because he desperately wanted a friend and it led him to cheat. We agreed that he needs to have set boundaries before starting a friendship and if that person has broken a boundary, he needs to speak up about it. If the friend doesn't want to respect his boundaries, then they don't deserve him as a friend. He has also set up an appointment for sex addiction therapy. If he likes the therapist, we will set up couples counseling with her as well. We are currently working out some issues through an app called Lasting. He has been completely honest so far and has promised none of this will ever happen again because he saw what it has done to me and because he regrets ever doing it. Both of our families know what happened. Since we've already paid for everything for our wedding and honeymoon, his parents offered to pay us back for everything if we decide to cancel. My parents don't want me to go through with the wedding because they're afraid it'll happen again. I want to marry him. I love him and I think if we continue to have transparency and open communication, we can have a relationship stronger than before. Am I wrong for not canceling the wedding?
Anonymous, I can't tell you whether or not you should cancel your wedding. That is your choice to make. I would encourage you to postpone it. I think you deserve to feel as certain as you can on your wedding day that you are making the best choice for you. I want that for you. In the meantime, I'm glad you're seeking counselling. I think it matters less that your boyfriend "like" the counsellor than that the counsellor will work with him. If I were you, I would insist that he get counselling no matter what. Of course, if it's a really bad fit, then it's reasonable to get another counsellor. I would also encourage you both to get counselling no matter what. Your boyfriend's explanation about what happened sounds a bit iffy to me. He KNEW what he was doing was wrong because he made a point of not doing it when you were around. And that is the easiest rule to have: If you wouldn't do something with your partner right beside you watching, then you shouldn't be doing it at all. As for your own feelings of being unattractive, etc., it's pretty normal to feel that until you understand that his cheating was about HIS issues, not yours. In other words, he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him. Something that he will address in therapy. I hope when and if you do go through with the wedding, it is with a clear head and clear heart.
My husband's betrayal is a very long story. It all started May 2019,I felt he was cold at me so I asked him,he frankly said that he is falling out of love. I was so depressed and so hurt. By June 2019 he said he wants to save our marriage. But the hurt is still there. By 3rd week of August 2019 he wants us to separate,to break up. He said he doesn't love me anymore. I was so devastated and hurt. By last week of August 2019 I just tried to check his phone,but to my surprise,I saw he has been chatting with a girl. I confronted him about this,he said it's none of my business because we are separated. So I chatted the girl,she said she has a boyfriend and that my husband has been the one chatting her. By September 2019 I found out that he has been chatting to so many younger girls way back Oct 2018 until that day. There is this one girl I randomly chatted,she said my husband has been chatting her every other day,that days she was telling me is my husband's duty in his work meaning he chats and flirts to girls while on duty on 2018. I was so hurt and depressed. I also found out he has been using a dating app to flirt to girls. By Dec 2019 I found out he has been flirting again with a 22 year old girl,the girl said my husband told her he is single and that age doesn't matter. Me and my children left him but the next day he went to my mother's house and picked us up and promised he will never do it again and we start over again. We reconciled. After 2 months I felt again that he has been cold again to me. His next addiction was porn. And whenever we fight he hurts me physically in front of my children. By Oct 2020 we have regular fights almost weekly. On Nov 18,2020,when he knew we were running away again,he didn't go home,he went straight to his parents home. He said he wants to find himself and wants to figure out where he is happy. By Dec 2020 was the most shocking,I saw in his messenger that he was chatting a familiar girl,she was one his chatmates on 2018. And on their conversation I found out that they had an affair 2 years ago. My husband searched her again to flirt and to say he missed her (FYI the girl is engaged and she had a boyfriend while having an affair with my husband). My body trembled,I can't cry,I am so angry and disgusted. My doubts before were now answered,why my husband is always mad at me that time,why he changed his hairdo and clothing style and why he puts effort to make his body bulkier. I chatted him all my anger,all my hate. By January 2021,when I am more calmer,we had a chance to talk. That is the time he said sorry. And that is the time I found out they had sex. I told him to fix our family for our children but he refused,he still wants to find himself and find his true happiness. He also wants us just to be friends. I got angry. By Feb 2021 he said that it is over between us. Until now he is still living with his parents. But I was so confused to him. I had told him so many times to give me space,no communication and no visiting to the children. But he found ways to visit the children or chat me. But sometimes he said that I should accept that we are already separated. But it has been weeks now,he regularly visits my children,he even celebrated his birthday in our home,he also regularly messages me from good morning until good night and to eat our meals. That's why I am so confused. I still love him and prays for him to go home. But I see that he is contented with our set up and I have guts that he flirts to various girls,I even have a gut that he is still communicating with his mistress. What should I do,should I fight for my husband or should I move on and start a new life with my kids. Thank you very much!
Unknown, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But the sad truth is that your marriage is over and, honestly, you are better off without him. He is abusive -- physically and emotionally. What I wish for you is that you will seek therapy to overcome the pain of his betrayal and his abuse. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. I hope you will give that to yourself and to them.
Here is my story.....I have been married for 26 years. We have one daughter who is about to turn 18. I met my husband when I was 15 and moved in with him when I was 17 almost 18. We got married when I was 19 and he was 22. We had what everyone would call a "perfect" marriage. No fighting, no jealousy. We had invetro to have our daughter due to infertility issues. Things were great. A few years ago, I moved out of our bedroom into the guest room. My husband snores really loud and keeps the tv on loud as well. We also quit having sex. I though in all honesty he was impotent because his Dad was at his age. So I never questioned it. I have never had a high sex drive, so it really didnt bother me so much. We still held hands, kissed, spent time together. He owns his own business and hired girls here and there to work for him. I was never concerned. Our anniversary was at the end of November. He got me flowers like normal. But things felt off. He was on his phone more often and would shut it off when I walked past. He was staying out later than normal and a few times didn't come home and said he drank too much and stayed at his office. I was getting suspicious and he told me I was crazy. On Christmas morning, I found him outside face timing with someone and he quickly stopped when I walked outside. I asked him if it was his girlfriend and he laughed. The day after Christmas, he was in the shower so I found his phone and saw he was messaging a girl and telling her he was divorcing me. Come to find out, he was having sex with a girl who worked for him, who was 18 years younger than him. She is NOTHING like me or what I thought he liked. He told me that he felt neglected and felt like he was less than a roommate to me and this girl showed him attention. I was devastated and asked him if we could fix it? He said he didn't know. He wrote me a long message about how it was basically all my fault and he has been unhappy for a long time. I told him I would fix it and change. I started by making his favorite dinners for him, sleeping in bed with him (no sex, but he would put his arm around me) and just trying to connect more. We were going on dates. A week later I found out he was still sleeping with her. She called me. She told me he told her he was falling in love with her and she was the woman of his dreams. She gave me alot of intimate details I didn't want to know and sent me pictures of the two of them together. The next morning he asked me to go for a drive with him, and told me he decided he wants to choose me and ended it with her for good. He said he wants me to not bring her up anymore and for us to move on and forget about her and work on us. Easy for him right? It hasn't even been 3 months since it was officially over and I can't bring it up or even get sad without him getting upset. He says we can't move forward if I keep looking back. I am still so devastated. I never thought he could or would ever do this to me. I told him I need alot of assurance and affection. He does it for a few days, then gets a little distant until I remind him what I need. I just don't know what to do or if I made the right decision by staying. I feel like I am being punished everyday and he is being rewarded. I treat him like a king and I am so afraid he will do it again. I want my marriage to work, but I just don't know what to do.
Michelle, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. It's excruciating, I know. I'm concerned about your situation for a few reasons. For one thing, HE betrayed YOU and yet he's the one setting the rules for reconciliation? Not okay. He "chose" you? Ummm....he actually chose you many many years ago when he married you. And he had an obligation, if he was unhappy, to speak with you about it, not to start sleeping with an employee. So, the way I see it, he should be down on his knees begging you to consider staying with him. It sounds as though there's a serious power imbalance in your relationship. He sets the rules, you follow them. And that is NOT going to work in terms of rebuilding a marriage after infidelity. There is such deep pain and there can be such deep resentment that if he refuses to allow you to talk about your pain, if her refuses to allow you to hold him accountable for the pain he caused, then your marriage might "survive" but it certainly won't feel very good. What I would do if I was you is tell him that you are willing to consider giving him a second chance but that he needs to show you that he deserves it. He needs to be willing to seek couples counselling with you, he needs to be willing to allow you access to his phone or e-mail or however else he communicates with these girls. He needs to show you that he is deeply sorry for the pain he's caused to you. Because you did NOT deserve this. And you certainly don't deserve to be treated like you're lucky that he still wants to be with you. HE should consider himself lucky that you haven't thrown him out. I don't mean to sound harsh but, Michelle, what he is doing to you is absolutely NOT acceptable. He betrayed your trust. He broke his vows. And he needs to learn from this or he needs to go.
Hi Elle. My husband ended his affair after almost 5 years. He was a minister and we lost our life's work, all the respect we had in the community, our friends, our jobs, and he lost the respect of his children. We have reconciled and things are going well. We're only 9 months out but he has recommitted himself to God and to me. Yesterday I got a message from the other woman, a woman half his age who is married and has a child and who is, of all things, a success coach! LOL! It said, Hi, I don’t know if you will receive this message since it may end up in a spam folder. But I felt compelled by the Spirit to reach out to you. I know that I am probably the last person on earth that you would want to hear from and I won’t message you again, unless you want a dialogue. I’m so sorry for the suffering and grief you have felt these recent years. I won’t make excuses but will simply say that I harbor no ill will towards you and wish you all the blessing of God, that I know he has in store for you. I have read your blog and seen your posts on Hiking and Backing PA and can tell you, we aren’t all that different in many respects. I hope you can find forgiveness in your heart for me, but if not, that would be fair too. If you ever want to talk, I would be open to that. Best wishes." My question is, do I respond to this? And if so, how do I respond? I certainly don't feel that she is really taking responsibility for her actions because she didn't say she was sorry for the pain she caused, just that she was sorry that I had so much pain. And what is with comparing herself to me and thinking that we are similar? I'm nothing like her nor do I want to be. I don't need anything that she is! I also feel as if this letter was more to clear her own conscience than to really apologize to me. What do you think? I really don't know what to do.
Anonymous, I think there's little, if anything, to gain from having any sort of conversation with this woman. As you note, she doesn't express remorse for the pain she caused you. She seems to think that she's being a big person by reaching out to you, by pointing out that you two are alive (yuck!), etc. I think your instincts are right -- she wants to clear her conscience, she's had a come-to-Jesus moment and needs to feel somehow cleansed of what she did without doing the really hard work of acknowledging the pain she caused and accepting responsibility. So...I think you do actually know what to do. I would delete the e-mail and carry on with living the life you're rebuilding with your husband. Besides, what, exactly, would you "talk" about?
My betraying husband had a 7 year long term affair with a colleague. Sorry this such a long post. But it was a long affair. My husband was laid off from his job when the company he worked for imploded and laid off 70% of their workforce. We had three children (ages 1, 3, 6). After a 7 month job search, BH landed a new job that was better than the one he left. The hitch: it was in another city that was 1.5 hr commute away. We decided I would stay home with kids to enable this job and remain in our community. I was proud of him for landing on his feet so well. If anyone had told me that he would be entering an affair within 5 months I would have laughed at them. I was happy in my marriage and my life. Coaching my oldest daughter’s soccer team, volunteering as a literacy teacher, training for a half marathon, 3 small and wonderful children-life was busy but good. BH claims he was happy in our marriage but unhappy in himself. Feeling like a failure because of job loss, terrified of failing in new role, very low self-esteem, hating the commute but not verbalizing any of this to anyone, least of all himself. Along comes AP, senior to him in organization. He didn’t report to her directly but needed her approval on initiatives and projects within the organization for him to succeed at his role. AP asks BH out to lunch, had requested special table set apart from other diners (she admitted to this later). Flatters him, tells him how she can help his career, she will guide him to success, how smart he is, how well dressed he is, how attractive he is, how unhappy she is in her marriage. BH knew all of this felt wrong but also felt so good to have the attention. So lunches, coffees, much dropping by into his office ensues, culminating in her confession of attraction to him. Culminating in her kissing him while on a lunchtime walk. Culminating in her sending a text that reads: want to play hooky? Followed by hotel address. BH texts back: yes. And so it began. And I was so very oblivious. Within 2 months she had introduced him to ‘kinky’ sexual practices and he felt addicted to the sex. BH claims he was NOT looking for affair and every time he promised himself it would never happen again. But within 6 months they were meeting 1-2x per week in hotels. BH claims by this time he actively disliked her, wanted out but ‘couldn’t’ stop. AP had isolated him at work, stopped him from forming productive working relationships with others and said poisonous things about all his colleagues, causing him to regard everybody with mistrust. He felt he needed her to survive in his job. He felt addicted to the sex. Meanwhile he had begun to hate himself and his self-esteem sunk even lower as he filled up with shame and self-loathing. He would shove it all down and come home, convincing himself that what I didn’t know wasn’t hurting me. Except he began to disconnect from me, from our beautiful joyful children, our community. He became cold and withdrawn. As the years went on and the affair went on he became verbally and emotionally abusive. And I felt like I was drowning. My life had gone from wonderful to horrible and nothing I did seemed to help. Sometimes my husband would come back to me and things would be good for a while and then things would sour again. By the 4th year of the affair I was desperate but could not conceive of a life without my husband. I thought I just had to weather the storm and we would somehow make it through. But then my husband came home one day and said he didn’t love me, that he wanted a divorce, that he couldn’t go on this way. Devastated and desperate to save my marriage, I refused and insisted on marital counselling. He went but was non-compliant and angry in sessions. Counsellor asked him: are you having an affair and he said no. His AP had meanwhile been discovered in the affair. She lied and told her husband it was only 1 year. They divorced and she applied very strong pressure to BH to leave me.
Part 2: He would say horrible, damaging, soul-destroying things to me. I became a nervous shadow, no self-esteem, never knowing what criticism was coming my way. And yet, at times my real husband came back. He was his old self. Especially on vacations. And I would have hope but then he would leave and the abusive controlling stranger would be back. Whenever I mustered up strength to say he had to leave (he constantly threatened to leave but then would not), he would snap, grab me, shake me, leave bruises and then would be weeks of good behaviour, back to how he used to be. But then the abuse would start again. I finally decided that enough was enough, that we had to separate for sake of my girls. I gave him an ultimatum: stop the abuse and commit to marriage or get out. He chose to commit. The abuse stopped immediately although many of his selfish habits remained. Over the 18 months we rebuilt and came back together. Although, he was still not participating in the work of running a home or raising children he was reconnecting with his kids (he had been a very good father pre-affair) and me. What I didn’t know was that during the worst 2 years she had been pressuring him to leave me, involving him further in degrading sexual practices, sabotaging him at work, she was verbally abusive to him and controlling. He felt trapped. He hated every aspect of his life outside of his home. By fall of 2019, my BH and I had made our way back to a fairly good place. The AP broke up with him because she felt he was never going to leave me. Which BH says is true, he was never going to leave me. He had 4 relapses in the following year-2 engineered by her, 2 engineered by him (he calls it a sex addiction). She also left their organization for another job which made it easier for BH to avoid her. AP continued to text: she was lonely, unhappy, did he want to go on vacation with her, her kids liked being with their dad more than her, sexting him. Sept 1 2020 she sent a picture of herself while I was using his phone. I knew immediately. Everything clicked into place in one sickening, blindingly horrible moment. BH denied it until I said ‘let’s restore your texts then’. And then he admitted it. We were at his family’s cottage. I immediately told his parents, packed up kids and went home. Packed up his car full of all his belongings. When his parents drove him home, gave him keys to his car, told him he would not be allowed on property without my permission, reassured him I would support his relationship with kids but he was out. Forever. He immediately cut off all contact with AP. Sought out marriage counsellor that had seen through him and got individual counselling. Started reading and following advice of every book on surviving infidelity and reconciliation that he could. Within 2 weeks trickle truth had stopped. Full disclosure, as painful as that was. All of his lies and deceit. The fact he told her he loved her (he says he knew he did not but felt he had to say it). The massive amount of money he spent on affair. The depravity of their sex life (I am not a prude but what they did was 100% porn, 0% intimacy). And here I am 7 ½ months out. BH is seeing 2 counsellors-1 for sex addiction, 1 for Disassociative Personality Disorder. Both therapists say the diagnosis isn’t as important as the steps/work he is doing to fix himself. He is remembering and integrating significant childhood trauma, changing behaviours and working on living as a good person with strong core values every day. He owns what he did and is using his diagnoses as a means to learn not as an excuse. He writes me a beautiful card every day, he is respectful of my boundaries (although still needs much guidance), he is a better parent, he is doing way more work around the family home then he ever did when he lived here. We are still having sex and it is better, more intimate and he is more giving than he has ever been.
Part 3: He has been kind, patient, caring, like pre-affair but better because he has learned to be vulnerable. But can I ever reconcile with him? I don't know. Because he BROKE me so badly. His betrayal, his abuse hurt so much. I still howl with the pain some days. I am in counselling. I am doing EMDR. I am trying to figure out why I said to myself: Do better, this must be your fault, you have no value. Instead of saying: what is going on? What is wrong with my husband? I think I finally believe that it wasn’t about me or the AP. With one part of my brain, I believe him when he says had he not met her, he would never have had an affair, never wanted one, would never have pursued it. He was the pursued. My therapist says that if she is everything he says she was than the AP exhibited classic grooming behaviours and is an Affair Predator. I find Elle’s blog so helpful around this. AP is a hurt person who now hurts people. I am not concerned about forgiveness but I have compassion for my husband’s pain and even the AP’s pain to some extent. Her last texts to him speak of a miserable life. These days I am more concerned with giving myself compassion and grace which I find so hard. I have very little self esteem and I am struggling so hard to get it back. I still love my BH. How can this be the case after what he did? I am trying to make all the right choices every day but still end up crying endlessly, convulsively. Yes I am journaling, meditating, doing yoga, cycling (hard and fast), walking. Trying to eat properly. Trying to not drink too much wine. Trying to sleep. Not always succeeding. I feel exhausted and like a failure most of the time. We are currently self-isolating as a family because my youngest daughter has 3 confirmed Covid cases in her class. So we are in quarantine for 2 weeks. Not allowed off our property. I have allowed my BH to quarantine with us instead of by himself in his apartment. I feel like I am not allowed to have the pain I have because I have so much to be grateful for in my life. Three healthy girls, a nice home, great community. I want to get better, be better but when does that kick in? When do I stop thinking about the AP? I want to stop giving her space in my head--how do I do that? I want to feel positive instead of all of this endless pain and hopelessness. I want to laugh with my kids again. Currently we are doing lots of hugs. I have survived the death of my son but I don’t know if I can survive this. I will because I have no choice. When will I be able to come to terms with his betrayal? I am almost 8 months out. Can I ever trust him again really? I have moved from never ever reconciling to wanting to but not sure I can. I love him. I have loved him for 30 years. But I refuse to live a life of mistrust. So how do we do this? How do I do this?
Oh Kintsukoroi, Your letter is breaking my heart right alongside yours. I felt every single word. I LIVED every single word. I am so so sorry for the pain you're in. You ask "how do we do this...how do I do this?" You're doing it, Kintsukuroi. You're doing it right now. When you're crying and when you're not crying. When you're tucking your kids into bed. When you're having better sex than you've had before. When you're afraid and when you think 'hey maybe I've got this'. You're doing it. And that's how you'll get all the way through this. You will continue to prioritize yourself. You will continue to interrogate how you betrayed yourself and why, how you kept trying long after it was clear that he was hurting you. And you will learn from that. You will discover a reservoir of strength you never imagined you had and you will continue to draw from that. And each day, you will ask yourself -- either loudly or quietly -- is he continuing to deserve this second chance? And if the day comes that you decide that you simply cannot remain in this marriage -- no matter how "good" he's being -- then you will honor yourself and get out. But if you discover that time and hard hard work is helping you both build a stronger marriage, then you will honor yourself by staying. Kintsukuroi, you have already endured the worst pain any of us can imagine -- the loss of a child. I promise you that you will get through this too. Feel the pain because it's the only way I know to get through this. Bottling up the bad stuff only means we bottle up the good stuff too. Life is all of it. You are going through the pandemic and all the misery and anxiety that provokes while also experiencing the agony of betrayal. But here you are! Doing it. Loving your children. Extending grace to the guy who broke your heart. As for the AP, she is not even worth the energy it takes to think of her. She is so damaged. An empty shell. Her punishment is being her. With her kids who see through her, her husband who discarded her, her career that she uses to prey on others. Yuck. Your husband? I have empathy for him. I think he made a horrible horrible choice when he crossed that line with this woman but I see it not unlike someone handing him meth for the first time. He's responsible for himself, of course. He's not a victim. But his own pain blinded him to anything else. Hurt people hurt people. His job is to redeem himself. To become the man you always believed him to be. To be the father he wasn't for too many years. If he's anything like my own husband, his punishment is the knowledge that he hurt the people he loved and who loved him most in the world. I personally wouldn't want to live with that knowledge. It takes guts to face that, to live every day facing the pain in his family's eyes and still show up and do better. He's no hero, of course. He's human. And he made a horrible mistake. You're going to be okay. I promise you that. Your gratitude for what you have will keep your head above water and your ability to nonetheless feel the pain and grief for all you lost will keep your heart soft.
Elle I needed to hear this today. Today in (Zoom) therapy I discussed with my therapist how childhood trauma left me so vulnerable to damage from betrayal. Which seemed to take the lid off of a seemingly endless well of pain. So I decided to have a look to see if you had a new blog and discovered your reply. Thank you. My therapist tells me that all of the work I am doing will result in healing. You (and many of the other people sharing their stories) are showing me that you have lived it, survived and thrived. I have just discovered your blog so I have been reading your blogs starting from the beginning. It feels like the grief support group I attended when my son died. We would sit in a circle and tell our stories. And cry together and talk. This is very much the same and very helpful. So thank you. I am learning alot from your posts and other people's stories. It does help to not be alone. And as you point out it helps to be grateful. Gratitude creates value which creates healing. So just holding onto all I have to be grateful for today...even if it snowing!!!
It's snowing where I am too, which I'm taking as my cue to get into bed with a good book. If you've read much on this site, you've likely also come across some of my writing about my own childhood trauma and how betrayal reopened a lot of old wounds that I thought were fully healed. My feelings of unworthiness. My sense that I wasn't "enough". I wouldn't wish betrayal on a single soul but I can look back and see that if forced me to do some hard work to really examine my belief system -- to recognize that I carried a lot of pain with me still. I hope the same for you. My childhood trauma, which included a mother who did, eventually, get sober and become the mom I always wanted, also made me inclined to second chances. I believed that people could become better. And so I stayed. But I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn prioritizing my own needs (still struggle with that one). And I had to learn that I had value just because. Hang in there, Kintsukuroi. You are among friends, just as you discovered when you were working through the grief from the loss of your son. The broken-hearted among us are often the most open-hearted, the most compassionate.
My story began 3 years ago, my husband started sexting someone he met on the Internet, he said when i caught him that he was sorry it was stupid and he didn't know why he did it, i felt betrayed hurt my world just collapsed around me, i told him he needed to sleep in the spare room and he did. He became a sweetheart being nice to me everything, 2 weeks later i found out he never broke it off and continued to message her. I got the same story he didn't know why he did it he is sorry and the same as i say garbage. We went through hell and back and i decided to give it a try, we made commitment to each other, that December i found pictures of more naked woman. I started digging at found some very horrid stuff, he had been doing it the entire year and even got blackmailed. This time i got the same story however he wanted to try marriage counselling, I agreed we have a small daughter and i dont want her to come from a broken home. counselling worked and we where happier then ever, we went through a year of lockdown without so much as an argument. Then a week ago he got blackmailed again this time he paid the person and i was still told all the dirty secrets, i felt sick to my stomach, the same stories came up i am affected, i thought i could stop and so on and so on. So we start at square one. Today i ask to see his phone and get it grabbed from me what do i find another womans picture. He says he deleted it last week and didnt want me to know cause he had stopped, am i just being naive, is he ever really going to stop. I dont know why i cant leave i feel trapped and scared. The more i want to leave him the more i cant and beleive what he is telling me that its over and he has stopped. What do i do.
Unknown, It has been three years of him telling you things that are untrue. He cannot be believed. But I understand your difficulty leaving and it is not up to me to tell you what you should or should not do with regards to staying or going. I honestly don't know. But I do know that you should not believe him. If he genuinely wants to commit to you and his child, then he needs to take steps to curb what is probably a sex addiction. He needs to give you access to any/all electronics, e-mails, passwords, whatever. He should probably have some sort of spyware on his computer so it's monitored and he knows that you can see, at any time, what he's doing. And -- this is crucial -- he needs to seek help from a counsellor that specializes in sex addiction. He is putting his entire family at risk, physically, emotionally, financially. He also needs to find a 12-step group that can help him stop what he's doing. While HE is doing that, I hope you will also seeking counselling in order to learn how to set and enforce these boundaries. To keep yourself emotionally safe, to learn how to trust yourself. I am so sorry, Unknown. I know the agony you're in. But I think you will begin to feel better once you've laid down some non-negotiable rules for rebuilding.
It's been a little over 5 months since I discovered that my husband was having an affair. It honestly wasn't very surprising, our marriage had been really suffering for a while and his behavior was so different. What I wasn't prepared for was that this affair was on/off for 8 years. The first time it happen was when we were 25, it was an older woman he worked with that started giving him attention at a time he really felt he needed it. You see my husband had just caught me, for the third time, in my own affair. He was so depressed and felt so worthless. He claims he really didn't even notice her until he felt so worthless and unwanted, that any attention at all was better then what he was feeling. My husband broke it off, left his job, and "tried" to move on with me, but never told me about the affair. She came back again, it happened again, he ended up telling her he couldn't do it anymore, then nothing for nearly 5 years. She came back again, at this point he says he had completely convinced himself that I was stuck with him because of our kids, he says he wanted to feel desired again, so the longest affair in this 8 year span began. He tells me he got to a point where he felt trapped, he didn't know how to end the affair and tell me what he had been doing without his whole life blowing up. I do believe him about why the affair began, I feel how he felt right now. I believe that he convinced himself I didn't want him and he was desperate to feel wanted. That is what led me to my own affair 9 years ago. My husband and I are high school sweethearts who had our first child right out of high school. I told myself everyday that he only married me because of our son, I was desperate to feel loved and when a man willing showed me attention, I found it hard to say no, no matter how wrong I knew it was, and no matter how much I wished my husband could make me feel this way. The truth is though, I never even really allowed him to. The same way for the last 8 years, he didn't truly allow me to make him feel wanted. I love my husband, I believe he loves me. We have been through a lot together, we have been together for 15 years. We are seeing a great counselor who is helping us understand our childhood trauma and how our marriage began when we were really just kids ourselves. Where I am stuck lately, is doubting it won't happen again, doubting he really wants to be with me, and not her. I just feel really stuck right now. It felt good to type this out. I don't have family or friends who would even begin to try and understand this or why we choose to stay together. I just want to feel for a minute I am not alone in these feelings.
You are most definitely not alone in your feelings. I think just about all of us struggle with fears that it will happen again if we stay in our marriage. You and your husband have been through a lot and I'm so glad you have a therapist who can help you both process the pain you've caused each other and better understand how each of you allowed yourselves to cross lines that you knew you shouldn't. And here's the thing: You will be creating a new marriage with this man with skills that neither of you had before. Which means that, with practice, you will be far better able to communicate your feelings with each other, far better to recognize when you're feeling tempted and why that might be happening, and far better to deal with issues BEFORE you blow up your marriage. The thing we forget about marriage is that it requires daily commitment. We don't just pick someone and then live happily ever after, we make the choice each and every day to commit to our marriage, to ignore someone flirting with us, to say 'no' to actions that would harm the marriage. Take it day by day and I think you'll discover that both of you are very different people than you were when you first married.
there is no doubt that this is hard, I am in a similar situation, but I feel like we have to just always remember and cling to the solid fact that they have changed. It is not okay, and however you feel is yours to feel, but when you get lost find your way back with the thought that he has changed.
I found out about 7 months ago my husband had been viewing porn behind my back. I was and still am devastated. He said he had been viewing the crap since he was 16. I know some people will argue and say it's not cheating but to me just because it wasn't another physical woman it was a woman. I felt so bad and honestly still do. I felt like he chose someone else emotionally over me. I wish it was a physical woman because I want to beat the crap out of her.
I hate the fact he did this and I am trying hard to forgive him and move on but at times I feel like I relapse in healing and suck at healing. He did this all behind my back and snuck off to view porn. We got into a big argument last night and he still tries to tell me it wasn't cheating. Well if had to sneak off and do it behind my back, what else could it be called. I am so hurt and sometimes I just don't know how to heal. It's hard.
I am happy I found this site. I hope reading others stories will help me heal through my own heartache. We are trying to save our marriage, but man it's hard.
I just found out that I am "the other woman" it came as a horrible bolt from the blue. A knock on my front door; thinking it was Vince because he'd been "out of town with work for a couple of weeks and I have been missing my special girl"...
UGH! JUST UGH I know - I feel sick just saying it here. I met this guy a little over 2 months ago during a night out with friends, he was with his friends. There was no indication from anyone he was married. Numbers were exchanged and we went on a date a few days later. He told me what he did for a living, military guy, few of the usual normal things you share when you start dating someone new. It was all nice and a lot of fun. Admittedly I said that I didn't have much free time for a serious relationship because I worked hard and was busy - so we would get together maybe twice a week. Usually day times in the week for lunch, we had evening dates and the odd Friday night together. It was a very physical "relationship" or as I kept saying "casually dating".
What I did NOT expect was that 10 weeks after I met this tall, dark and very handsome self assured man with his life together was to open the door to my house to a very beautiful, very angry and crying woman telling me she was Vince's wife and she wanted to know what I thought I was doing with her husband.
I felt sick! No! No this was not happening. I was not the sort of woman to use another woman's husband!! I invited the woman in. She was quite rightly angry, hurt and wanted answers. The answers that she wanted I could not give her because I am not her husband and I cannot tell her why he chose to cheat on her.
The only thing I could tell her was that I was sorry. The truth that I did not know he was married. She didn't need to know that I was once where she stood and had a cheating spouse - that knowledge wouldn't help her or lessen HER pain.
The worst part of it all was that while his WIFE and the mother of two children was stood in my kitchen crying her heart out her husband knocked on the door. He was 20 minutes later than when he said he'd be at my door - he hadn't seen his wife's car parked around the block from my home. He walked right in my front door holding a bunch of flowers with a smile on his face "Hey baby. I missed you."
I don't know what happened when they left. I do know that he doesn't deserve that woman. Her grace and poise and understanding for not blaming me. It left me with a horrible thought that this wasn't the first time he had been caught cheating. Like my own ex husband - he will never be fulfilled or happy as long as he is a lying, cheating POS.
I never wanted to be and I never chose to be the other woman and I am truly sorry for the hurt that I helped to cause Vince's wife.
I know he cheated on me when he was away on business. All the evidence is there.... I discuss the evidence with him. But he denies, denies, denies. How do I get him to tell the truth?
Unknown, while we desperately want our hubbys to own up, as it were, some either are not ready to or are determined to keep their secrets. I am so sorry to hear that you are not being honored with the truth. The fact of the matter is you can not " make" them answer truthfully. If he keeps to his script, insisting that everythings on the up and up, and you know what's going on, Then he as much as admitted that his fantasy is worth more than you. This sucks!! You deserve better than this. Consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Look after yourself. Right now you should look after you[and any kids you have]. Decide if you are going to accept the role your husband is offering, or if you deserve better. Then inform him of your choice. Here's the thing, once you point out it's your choice, to stay or go, he might change his tune. Be prepared for anything. More denial, tears, or a full blown tempertantrum. Alot of these guys figure they have the power to dictate the narritive. Here's the secret, They do not. We do. We can choose better for ourselves if we just believe we are worth it. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I still struggle with it. Stay safe, Trust yourself, love yourself. The ladies here Know what you are going through. Good luck
I can’t believe I’m posting on here. My heart is in pieces. My story is, as so many others, long, and I appreciate anyone who can stay to the end. My husband and I have been together for 19 years. We have 2 children. In 2017, he was diagnosed with an OSi (operational stress injury), severe ptsd and depression, stemming from his career as a first responder. We came together and explored every single option available to us for treatment. Eventually, in 2019, he went to a 9 week inpatient treatment facility in a city about 2 hours away. We spoke everyday. I brought the kids a few times for visits. I went once alone for an overnight outside the hospital with him. When he came home, things seemed a little different. More strained. But we were a team, and we were working hard. He continued to have weekly appointments in the same city as his treatment, so 2 hours away. This went on for about a year. Then Covid happened and he couldn’t go, he had to do virtual appointments. Out of the blue, in June 2020, I received an email from an acquaintance saying that she was so sorry, but she had seen him on tinder. I confronted him, he admitted to using it and a few other apps, but only as a way to stoke his ego. He was feeling terrible about himself and needed the boost. Great. 2 days later, I found over 100 pictures of one woman hidden in his phone. I asked who she was, he said he slept with her. It all came out then, he had been seeing her since Oct of 2019. She was a nurse in a major hospital in the city he went to, and he met her on the subway. This didn’t sound right. So I continued to probe. He met her at a sex club. Ugh. A few weeks later, I found out that she had quit her job and moved to our city in May or June of 2020 to be closer to him. I was in shock. He had gone there each time he told me he was going for a motorcycle ride. He went there in May, had sex with her unprotected and then came home, where I was feeling affectionate and ended up giving him oral sex. He didn’t stop me. I knew then that something was wrong but I convinced myself that it was some soap or something I was tasting and smelling. What an idiot. We decide to work on our marriage. We do weekly therapy and talk in depth. I feel pride in my strength n recovery. 11 months later, I find out there were at least 4 other women he slept with at the beginning of the summer in 2019. All of them from this sex club. One of them, he had sex with in front of people at the club. He lied to me for 11 months. He let me believe I was healing. We were healing. I feel like the biggest moron on earth. I feel disgusted and used. And I am terrified that I don’t feel love. I truly don’t want my marriage to end, we have children and history and there was SO much love then. Now? I wish I could get it back. He swears he has been faithful for 11 months, and I believe him, but I can’t get over the lies. Will the shock pass and allow me to feel something again?
Jo, there is much written out there about how to hold your husband accountable including him taking a lie detector test after providing you with a full written disclosure but you are still raw and will be for some time. It's impossible to trust your husband right now and he doesn't deserve your trust. He needs to earn it back. My six year D-Day anniversary is next month. I believe my husband has successfully addressed his demons and understands why he did the things he did but that has left me with a very different internal experience. It is hard to really love a partner who showed so much disregard for himself and his family and his spouse. The magic is gone from my marriage however we are together. The only trust I have of him (we have been married more than 40 years with adults kids and grands) is that if he cheats again or participates in any of the activities he did in the past, he has chosen to leave the marriage. We are compatible and have a lot of fun together but right now, in my heart, I consider him to be "the man I live with" and not my husband. I hope that changes but if not, that is okay. While I worked full time, took care of his mother and our three kids, he traveled often for work, took full advantage of his freedom and did what he wanted. I made his life really, really easy. I would never want to be him. I worked on me. You might want to just work on you too.
Me and my husband have been married for 6 years together for 7 and we have 2 kids after being together for a year and a half I found out he was having an online affair.
I was hurt. Angry. And it took me 2 years to get over it he promised me he would never do it again
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago I found out he was in fact still doing it this entire time with multiple women it never gone past an online relationship he never met any of them in person besides sending a few of them money to help them when they needed I'm devastated he told me he would never do it again and that he wants to fix us. And feels horrible about it he said it has nothing to do with me.
I don't want to end a 6 year marriage when we have 2 kids for online cheating I'm having a really hard time coping and just not feeling loved or beautiful anymore I just want to stay with him because I love him so deeply I just don't know how to move past it this time. He gave me access to everything of his emails,old dating apps, etc But I still feel a pit in my stomach and am crying every night and angry during the day.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. And I'm sorry he didn't become a better person when you forgave him the first time. You get to decide what comes next but you also get to take as long as you need to make that decision. In the early days, we can feel so devastated and confused that it feels impossible to know what we want. You are in pain because you've been betrayed by someone you trusted with your heart. Which means, it's going to hurt for a long time. But you can handle it. Focus on you and your own healing, get a therapist who can support you as you work through the emotions. And tell him that his job is to figure out why he risked his family, why he lied to you, and what he plans to do to ensure it never happens again. I promise you will get through this. But you must prioritize your own healing, you must insist on what you need from him. If he refuses, then he's telling you that his comfort matters more than the marriage, than you, than his children.
I would like to comment about forming a “reconciliation contract”. I read that Elle had not heard of someone requiring such from their spouse and I am here to testify that I did such a contract. I came under scrutiny from our therapists, family, and friends for doing so. But I would like to share why AND what it has done for and against our reconciliation. So here’s the story... Scene: My husband was having a post D-day melt down while I was fixing dinner. He came out of the bedroom with a loaded firearm (we live on a ranch and gun protection against poisonous and dangerous predators are common and necessary). I won’t bore you with details of the emotional scene except to say that I quickly took the pointed gun away and disarmed it. Then, I gave him so many seconds to call a sponsor, hot-line etc..., while I did the same. I locked up the gun in the safe and set a new password- gave it to my sponsor that I was talking on the phone to at the time. So safety was secured and a county intake counselor was on her way to our ranch to offer help. This counselor turned out to be more hindrance than help. In my husbands analogy to me as she exited our our property, “did you see how she was trying to come on to me- showing her stuff to me?” Yes, I admittedly couldn’t have missed her low cut blouse and mini skirt. Hhmmm are we sure she was from the county, I asked silently myself? The counselor had not really helped, but had tried to convince me that my “husband’s reaction was quite expected , since there was nothing “wrong” with having outside affairs.” “Our therapists were wrong in their therapy for sex-addiction and were partly to blame for creating all of his pain and confusion”. She added that I was to blame for creating his negative feelings because infidelity was a healthy and normal human activity. Really? I was dumbfounded but said nothing as we took her paper handout about anger and politely said goodby at the ranch gate. My husband next blurted out, and this is key to my request for a post- nup contract, was to laugh and say,”I can play the crazy card and have her and everything we own... hahaha, man, This is great!” I need to explain about the years leading up to D-day. My husband had become so wrapped up in addiction that he had stopped working for many years , while we sought out therapists. I was unaware of the sex addiction up to that point. Why the post-nup? I felt that he had nothing to lose if he pretended to go through recovery, while I had everything to lose- continual heartbreak, trauma, financial problems and now the threat of losing my home. If he wanted me to work towards a new marriage, HE needed to put up a dowry. Investment in a future marriage with me had to be worth something. Up to that point , he had just drifted through life with me providing all- financial security, a clean home, a ranch for him to play in(he didn’t take on any responsibility in it), and a loving wife who kept up her looks and was sexually available at his whim. (I know, I was a pushover-right?) So, my self-worth was at stake, yes, a dowry from him was required if we went forward together. If he wanted out, we could split up our assets right then, but he wasn’t free to “play” me for another 15 years without some consequences. This was to give me some “safety” as we proceeded towards recovery. However, two years later, it would be shown to be a slight hindrance as well. Since he had everything (or at least some things) to lose, his hiding and lying continued, and working through this would become an additional hurdle. I don’t have a good solution and my therapists warned that I might be creating the wrong unintended behavior by giving him punishment (post-nup consequences) if he tries to tell me about relapses. However, a post-nup has minimized other intended actions such as running away with everything we own . Sigh.... recovery isn’t easy and no simple answers exist.
Its 4.23 AM here where I am. D-Day was yesterday and found this blog by accident today. And I thank the heavens that I did. Just like many that came before me, Im sure reading post after post of enlightenment and empowerment (and a sense of sisterhood) is a great solace. So thank you... thank you for this lifeline.
Ive been married 15 years. I have one amazing kid and not so amazing marriage. Something was always wrong. Mostly his financial situation and sometimes my own insecurities, But I thought marriages are supposed to be hard work. At least thats what Ive heard and read and is commonly known. I thought as long as when two ppl love each other and work hard to stay together, then marriages work. Im not naive to think that happiness is everlasting and guaranteed. Like all things in life, we have to work at it. I never thought that infidelity would be the biggest thing I have to work out.
Last year, at the start of the pandemic, the foundations of my marriage shook. To keep the story short, he couldnt take my stress (which is solely caused by his indifference to the whole pandemic plus his financial issues), and left me and my 13 yr old. He confessed that most of the 15 yrs together, he is mostly unhappy. He just never said anything.
Even then I never thought that he was unfaithful. There are stories. We had a long distance marriage for a few years now. Not by choice but by neccesity. He failed to find work where we live and is now trying to make it back in his hometown. But I never thought any of the stories were true (and it was never proven to be anything than just a misunderstanding). I thought that the man I married was an exception above the rest. A family member stepped in and we decided to start again. He admitted his flaws and I admitted mine. I thought we moved forward.
D-Day is exactly one year and ten days since that day. Like a bad scene from a B grade movie, the wife character accidentally read a text message. A text message with the word "darling' by an unknown woman. I asked my H flat out. Who is she? What does that text mean? Are you having an affair? Can I read the rest of the text?
Its all downhill from there. There was a confession, an expression of guilt but also another statement which made this whole year of 'starting over' a sham. He was still not happy. Thats why he cheated. He stated that it was partly my fault.
I KNOW deep in my soul, his cheating has more to do with his failures (financially and as a father and an overall good person) then mine as his wife. His broken soul and colluded mind is his downfall. I am only along for the ride.
Like last year, he bombarded me with complaints and revelations about our marriage that is still the same old tune. The fact that this last year Ive been working my ass off to make this marriage work is acknowleged but not nearly enough. The cheating part is the most hurtful, but the fact that he made his cheating as though it was a product of his protest againts our marriage is what really shook me.
My confidence, my self worth and my life is circling the drain. The future is uncertain. I need to heal and yet I know healing myself will not guarantee automatically saving my marriage (or if I even want to at all!).
What I'm really surprised is that this mental hurt is affecting me physically too. I cant eat, sleep and concentrate. What a cliche, I know. And the tears... oh my the tears. My chest hurts. Its amazing how far our mind can go to dark and twisted places.
I am familiar with the stages of grief. I am in stage one and will likely be there for a while. I only hope I can have the strenght to just take it one step at a time. I am trying to function for my 14 yr old. I told my H that I need to heal by myself and that he can go and do the same. He has to take care of his sick aunt in his hometown anyway.
I dont know what the future holds for us. I cant even think beyond taking a shower this morning. Again, I am so thankful that I found this blog. Things will never be the same but I will come out of this alive and somewhat intact...
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for what you're going through but so glad you found us. There is most definitely comfort in hearing the words of those who know your pain and knowing too that there are others out there who have gone through betrayal and survived. You will get through this. As you note, your marriage might not. But YOU will. And that will be enough. Your job is to focus on your own healing from this. Your husband's job is to get his head out of his ass, stop blaming others for his own misery, and decide if he wants to be a better man and, if so, how to do that. You get to decide if that's enough for you. But please trust me, you will get through this. Keep reading, keep posting. You are among friends.
In July of 2019, I was diagnosed with cancer. It changed my life, my body. I had not had sex with my husband in the treatment periods and after. When I got better, Covid happened. I felt something wasn't right in April. My husband went on a mad dash to get in shape, stopped eating, I saw him google manscaping shavers. I checked his history and found he was googling "warm hugs" who is he sending warm hugs to? My immediate thought was that he was fooling around, but how? He's home every night. He goes to the office only 1 day per week and only for 5 hours. He starting picking fights with me for no reason. Spending hours on his iPad. If I tried to speak to him about anything he either ignored me, or told me he was busy reading. On one of his days in the office, he texted me to tell me he would be in a meeting for 2 hours, without his phone. I thought that was odd, so I looked at the family tracker and saw that he was actually at a hotel. I sent him a screenshot of the location and heard nothing for 5 minutes. Then he texted and told me he was dropping off a co-worker there. I was frozen in place. I couldn't move or speak. He came home a couple of hours later and I asked him to tell me the truth. Of course, he denied it. Even said I do these things to myself and get myself all upset over nothing. Was I the one at a hotel at 10:30am on a weekday? At that point, I started to look around, check bank accounts, discovered several monthly subscriptions to something called "only fans" and some other sex websites. Now, I am not someone who cares all that much about occasional porn. But this, this was live streaming and some crazy stuff. All within a 1 month period. Did he lose his mind for a month? There were large cash withdrawals too. I checked out the apps on his phone and iPad. I found Snapchat, Tinder, Wickr Pro and more. I was shaking and sobbing and scared. I cried for 3 days, on the 4th day, I packed a small bag and went to a hotel. I stayed for 3 days. He texted me begging me to come home, saying how sorry he was. I had to take care of myself first, and I simply could not (and still cannot) stop crying. Why am I so devastated? I didn't sleep with him or make much of an effort for many months. What did I expect? I came back home and we talked and he said he wasn't doing anything. That yes, he looked at porn, looked at some stuff for a few weeks and then stopped and cancelled all the accounts. He swore he would never do it again, still left me with a lot of unanswered questions, like who is he chatting with? Sending warm hugs to? And the list goes on. He sent me roses, bought me a bracelet, took me to a fancy hotel for an evening where we finally had sex together. After which, I asked him if I needed to get tested for STDs? He again, swore it never got to that. Eventually, he told me he hired an escort, but he didn't go through with it. He said he stopped it before anything physical happened. He says he will never do this again. He gave me the story of how he's getting older, and things don't work the same, feels like he's falling apart. So what? We are all getting older. Deal with it. He said he was depressed. I sent him to the doctor and he came home with antidepressants and viagra. I am crushed beyond belief. I feel like a zombie. Like someone killed me but there's no Heaven. Financially I can go if I want to. There is nothing to prevent me. But we've been together for 17 years and married for 14. We have a history together. So many good memories. We also own homes, retirement accounts, investments, etc...how do you split that? Do I want to? I am broken. Totally broken. I'm confused, sad, angry and at times incredibly turned on because he's showing so much interest in me again. (Even with my cancer scars and excess weight from meds) I don't want a relationship where I have to check my husband's phone, and other electronic devices. I don't want to worry every time he leaves the house. I am broken. Thanks for reading, to all of you.
lim689086, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in (and so sorry I haven't responded before this). I want to start by saying you having cancer and dealing with covid and not wanting sex is NOT the cause of his cheating. Or, as we often say here, he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him. And, if wants you to consider reconciling, he needs to deal with that something. Which means...therapy. It means doing the hard work of figuring out why, when he was feeling down about aging and drooping, etc., he didn't talk to you about it, or seek out therapy, or confide in a friend, and, instead, thought it was a great idea to spend all kinds of money and self-respect looking for gratification outside of his marriage. Without your knowledge. He betrayed your trust within a long-time marriage so of course you can't stop crying. It's a deep deep wound and one that takes us a long time to heal. But that's your job, while he's trying to figure out how to be a better man and better husband, one who shares his fears and feelings rather than masturbating them away. But here's another thing I want you to know. You will get past this. It takes time and work but you will get to a point when the tears stop. When the good memories resurface. When you realize that, yes, you could leave anytime you want but you no longer want to because he's done the work of deserving that second chance. And if he doesn't? Well, then, you know what to do and you'll be fine then, too. There's a ton of info on this site and a lot of incredible women who've been where you are and found their way through.
Hello ladies, I'm so happy I found this blog. I found out two days ago that my husband cheated while on a guys trip in Cancun 2 weeks ago. We have been married only 5 months and I never in a zillion years could have thought he would be capable of doing this. I truly mean that, our marriage was great, obviously still in our honeymoon phase, there was nothing lacking. We both moved to a bigger city to advance in our careers and were loving every minute of it (work, weekends, and just being home together).
When he returned from Cancun he didn't mention much and acted totally normal. He has always been a very secretive person and doesn't really like being questioned about anything. He has a lot of trauma from childhood that he has learned to deal with on his own. I believe his insomnia is due to it. Anyway I asked him how the trip went, if any of the guys got laid jokingly, and that was it. I asked to see pictures not suspecting anything, literally just wanted to dream about being there in that blue water. I came across a screenshot of a Whatsapp number and automatically questioned him about it. He said his friend's phone wasn't working and he asked if he could put it in his phone. He automatically goes to Whatsapp and blocks her and deletes any convo or calls from her. So at this point I'm panicked and want to look at his other social media accts. I believed him initially that it was his friend who wanted the number. But then I find a voice note he sent another girl on IG saying "do you wish you were here doing bad things with me on this balcony." He immediately turns white and acts as if its the first time he is hearing it. He immediately apologizes and pleads with me saying he swears he doesn't remember sending it and he was intoxicated. I'm so hurt, he's sticking to his story that he does not remember sending it and is very apologetic, crying, and begging me to forgive him.
My guard is now up. I decide to go back and find the girls number from Whatsapp. I message her through my number with his photo as my image and she immediately responds. I'm acting as if I'm him, making small talk. I ask if she remembers my friend (who the number was supposed to be for) and she says no. Red flag. I start to flirt with her and I ask "what was your favorite part of hanging out with me." She says "I loved when you put me in front of the mirror." She later goes on to say they had sex twice and used a condom. I confront him after the convo and he again looks stunned and freaks out and says she is crazy, he would never do that, and I'm the best thing in his life. He called his friend who was with him that night and asked him if he remembers anything and the friend says the chick seemed normal and why would she make that up? So he starts to seriously consider that he actually did it and doesn't remember. He said he drank a lot, which he rarely does but then he took an Ambien. He is pleading with my that he did not do it and if he did he was drugged and remembers nothing. I've looked this up "Ambien sex" and have found few things about it. Does this story resonate with anyone? What do you all think, outside looking in?
I believe he was doing dirt, but part of me believes him that he really doesn't remember having sex because of the combo of alcohol and ambien.
Needless to say, I'm heartbroken. We just moved states, work at the same place. Everything was so great before this trip. Now I feel my world has completely shattered.
Hello Anon may27. First off welcome to one of the best sites to offer betrayed spouses shelter and understanding. I am so sorry that you find yourself here. I can tell you that all of us understand your desire to believe what your H is telling you. and that there is always a small[or not so] part of us that just do not. You may never know. If he was acting out of character why did his buddies not notice? you need to create a safe space for you. weather in counseling or talking with a "safe person" Look to your own needs, sleep, food, self care. What do you need? To feel safe? To feel anything? Sit with yourself as if you were helping out a loved one. Because that's what you are doing. There are lots of resources here at BWC. you might also want to check out Betrayal Trauma Recovery site. wwwbtr.org . There are some great podcasts available. Good luck. Stay safe.
Anonymous, Just me (above) gave you really good advice. I hope you are getting the support you need. Tons of info on this site, but I also hope you've found a good therapist to help you process the pain of betrayal. And I hope your husband is coming completely clean with you.
Hi everyone. I have been together with my partner for 20 years - we have been married for 13 and have two kids. We're an interracial couples so a lot of odds were stacked against us in the early years, and we have managed to overcome it all. I moved to his country in 2018 and I now found out that he's been unfaithful and lying about it for two years, with a work colleague. As soon as COVID restrictions in my country lifted he basically went to see her on an excuse of a work trip, and despite my intuitions and asking about it repeatedly over the past year, he denied it and then when he returned I found evidence on his phone. He says he didn't physically cheat more than that 1 time 2 years ago but the betrayal is the long phone calls and the sappy messages and the flirtations and really the fact that he lied to me for over a year. I am beyond devastated. I thought this was my soulmate. I thought we were having a rough and uncommunicative patch. I even tried couples counselling and reading up on how to save a marriage but now I've found out that he's been cheating and lying about it I don't even feel like trying any more. Worst of all we have two kids who adore him and I could never tell them anything. He had said he couldn't come clean earlier as it is a work colleague and could jeopardize her career. As if my broken heart didn't matter - a potential risk to her career was so much more important to protect. I know that marriages are not broken because of the cheating, but because of something else broken underneath. I want to be strong especially for my kids and my family but I feel so so alone and angry. I moved countries for this man, and even support all his extended family and I just feel devastated. His best friend's wife (and one of my closest friends) died of COVID this year. I was shocked that even an incident like that prompted him to wake up and see me and the relationship we have as important - he went on lying. Grateful to see I am not alone in this. I'm taking one day at a time to process and find out what I can do next.
Anonymous, I am so so sorry for all the pain you've experienced, including losing your best friend. Please be gentle with yourself as you move through so much grief. Your husband's response, his worry about jeopardizing her career, indicates that he's not really taking responsibility for the incredible pain he's caused you or for the fact that this woman's career is potentially jeopardized BECAUSE OF HIM. Not sure if much has changed since you wrote this, but unless he's willing to take a good, hard look at his behaviour and all the pain he's caused his family and step up to figure out why he risked losing you, then he's not a great bet. As for your kid, they don't need to know about this (nor should they). They deserve to be able to love their father, which I know is excruciating for you. I hope you will find support as you work through all this. There's a ton of info here and incredible women who know your pain.
In the weeks and months following my husband’s affair I kept asking myself – and so did he in our endless discussions about what happened – what it was that bothered me so much in every single moment of my daily life.
I mean, one could argue the affair was in the past. With the work my husband and I did to reestablish our relationship, we came closer to each other, much closer and intimate than we were the years before. In fact, our marriage before the affair was on the rocks due to many badly handled life crises such as health issues, job layoff etc. So with the shock of the affair we actually managed to have a hard look at our marriage. Particularly my husband made many, many amends and completely changed the way he interacted with me and the family. He took a completely different place in the family system and particularly started assuming normal family duties, the ones I had been doing on my own for the last two decades.
Therefore, one could literally argue my life after the affair was better than my life before the affair, right? My husband finally treated me with love and respect and endless patience, even though he had to fight alcoholism and depression himself. He finally understood that family work (household and kids) was real work and that there were two people in the marriage responsible for it. He started rebuilding trust by giving me full access to his communication means, by endlessly discussing the affair whenever I had the feeling it was necessary and by saying what he did and doing what he said. I grieved what was lost and went and worked through all the feelings I had, completely aware that I would never be able to successfully suppress them. After some months I had regained a sort of „normal“ life. I was able to go after my daily chores and experienced even moments of joy and happiness again. I was actually able to leave the past in the past (mostly), what enabled me to understand (after some months) that there was no actual threat any more.
Still I sensed (and sense to this day) that something in our marriage was changed forever. It was not only the past that was changed (that I might have been able to let go), it was also my present that was completely changed compared to before the affair. Not to the better, that’s how I experienced it. But I couldn’t quite explain what it was that changed my present so much. I tried explaining to him that it was my sense of security or safety that was not in place any more (how could it), and while he perfectly understood that he said he hoped this would change with time as soon as trust would start building again. And I am pretty sure that trust has started building again. As per today, I don’t fear that he is having an affair again. But that’s the thing: It’s only per today (or per this week, this month, this year at the best). That’s the difference to how it used to be.
You see – that may sound naive in your ears – I never had the feeling that this marriage was an option. From the moment we took our vows (well actually long before, since we decided to be together the way we were) it never crossed my mind that this marriage could be optional. For me marrying him was the confirmation of the two of us being a family, through good times and bad times till death do us part, for ever. I meant what I said and even in our difficult times it never occured to me that there was another option for the two of us than sticking together. I was confident that we would be able to work through our difficulties with time.
So what he did to me with his affair, which still has a considerable effect on my present, is that he made our marriage an option. He made me an option. He clearly stated that he can start something new with someone else, whenever he has the feeling that I don’t love him anymore. He thought our marriage vows were to be respected as long as everything went well and he had the feeling I’d love him. That was not how I understood our vows. To me they were sacred and never would I have gone the path he choose, even though I hadn’t felt valued or cherished for years. I talked to him about these differences between him and me and he would insist that I was right and he was wrong and his actions back then were deeply influenced by his severe depression as well as his addiction. It’s all changed for him now. But these are only words. And words are cheap. I used to believe every word he said until D-Day. Never would I have expected him to do what he did. But those days are gone. I can’t count on his words anymore. It’s the actions that count. And those will take a long time to show that he is sincere and has really changed into the man I (wrongly) believed him to be for so many years.
And even if he has changed in the meantime, with his behaviour back then he clearly showed me that our marriage, that I was an option for him, at least at that time. And this is so out of character for the man I used to think I knew. That’s why there occured a basical shift in how I view him and how I view our marriage. Our marriage is not any more what I hoped it would be, my safe and secure family for the rest of my life. It is an option that we chose as long as we feel good at it. Even if he says otherwise, his past actions show that the marriage had not the same meaning for him as it had for me. As for me, it’s the same now. I couldn’t see family in him after what he has done. For me as well he is an option now. And I never wanted my marriage to be an option. This loss of family, of security and safety that‘s what I still mourn to this day and that is the effect that his (past) affair has on my present life.
What do you think, ladies (and gentlemen)? Does that make sense to you? I am very interested to hear your thoughts and views.
Gina, Yes, it makes perfect sense. And I felt it too. Still do, sometimes, if I'm completely honest. The way I look at it is this: Whatever I thought my marriage was, however much I thought I was completely safe within it, I was wrong. He simply wasn't the man I thought he was. I didn't marry the man I thought he was. I married the man he actually was. And the man he actually was saw me and our marriage as an option, though he never would have framed it that way. He, too, was acting out all the painful feelings that come with addiction. He, too, was doing everything he could to avoid facing his feelings. And so he made horrible choices, for him and for me and for our family. So...what do I do with that? What do you do with that? What I have done is this: I have chosen to stay with the man he became. I will never have that blind faith that he would never hurt me, that he would never cheat on me. I simply won't. I suspect, even if I left this marriage and got into another, that I will never again have that blind faith in another human being. But I no longer see that as a bad thing. Because that blind faith was...blind. It kept me in a situation where I put up with things I shouldn't have put up with, including, as you had to, a husband who wasn't nearly as involved with his family as he should have been. I put up with thing because I told myself that he loved me and he was a "good man" who was faithful and honest. Now? He's a good man who's faithful and honest BUT I will never let that be an excuse for not also insisting he's a man who helps with the kids, that he's a man who shows up for his family, that he's a man who puts us before his job, etc. So, in my case, I have decided that the man he is now -- that I have watched him work so hard to become -- is the man I chose to be with. Each day. Will I chose him a year from now? Who knows? Probably. But I have decided that choosing each other, each day, is more important than making a choice on one day and then expecting it to carry me through a lifetime. That might be more romantic but I'm not sure it's very realistic. So...my two cents. Not sure if others will weigh in. This thread tends to have less interaction than the more regular posts. But do feel free to continue to comment here. We learn from each other.
Gina, I second what Elle wrote. I am also still with my husband and we just past the 6 year D-day anniversary without a blip. He tells me he is a changed man and that he loves his life now. At times I hate that I married someone who wasn't who I thought he was but I married the guy he was and is. From year two he made me and our marriage an option although I did not know it and never suspected he was anything other than the moral man he presented as. Just last night as we were laying in bed cuddling he hugged me close and said, "I'm never letting you go." I don't know where that came from or why he said it but I hear things like that a lot and I wonder if he continues to reflect on how badly he screwed up. I think he and I do chose each other every day. From the day he told me about his past life I was shattered and I no longer love him like I did. I love him in many ways and we share kids and grandkids but I can honestly say I would be just fine without him too. He has a very narrow road to walk now. He knows that. I'd say my life is a more fun now that prior to his disclosure because we are more open and honest with each other but my feelings for him are not the same. I am more grounded and realistic about my life now. I've given up all the lovely fantasy stories of things that used to mean so much to me. It doesn't hurt like it used to. He really lost a lot and he knows it. We are both in our 70th decade and married more than 40 years. He cheated off and on for at least 30 of them. That is on him.
I have been married for 45 years. Two years ago I found out quite by accident that my H was having an emotional affair with a 30 year old who he had a working relationship,with. This emotional affair went on for 10 years. D day was June 2019 when I accidently came across texts going as far back as 2009. My H never deletes anything. I confronted him, he said she was just a special friend who he started helping through rough times. However, the texts were all about “I love you so much” I really miss you so much, I want to spend a weekend with you to take care of you. Every text he wrote ended with I love you, or I miss you or both. He constantly told her how wonderful she was, and how when she texted it always put a smile on his face. Oh, and then I found out he was calling her twice a week, usually when I wasn’t home . The calls were at over an hour long. I tried to get him to go to counseling but he won’t go. He basically blamed me for connecting with this girl. He said I ignored him for so long and that was part of it. I don’t know if there was a sexual encounter. They did go on business trips with a team, but I have no proof and he will never tell me if it happened. We have had many arguments about this over the past two years. I have triggers all the time because he still hasn’t been honest with me. He basically has swept this under the rug. He has been overly attentive, has ended the so called friendship, and says he wants to forget and move on. He is not the one who was betrayed, devastated, hurt to the point of numbness. How does one forget 10 years of exchanging love letters to some girl who is my daughter’s age? We have married 45 years. Never in my life would I have thought he would do this to me. He knows how much he hurt me. He is trying to fix it, but all I feel is numbness. I don’t love him like I did before. I don’t trust him anymore. Our daughter is pregnant with her second child. So, this keeps me going. But I just don’t feel alive anymore. I just feel I am mechanical. Everything is just mechanical.
Bobbie, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It has been 6 years since I learned my husband of 47 years was involved in a long-term affair with a woman nearly 20 years his junior. It took over 2 years before he ended the affair and began to come out of his 'affair fog', and more than 4 years before I had most of the story - an 18 year affair with a woman in another country. My husband wanted to sweep it under the carpet too,'just move on', but I knew I needed answers. I called his OW, sent texts, checked out facebook and found many years of photos of their life together. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. It seemed like the life I thought I had no longer existed. The affair has overshadowed all our family events (weddings, births of grandkids, trips) for the last 20 years. My children do not know about their father's betrayal and that has been an extra burden, to carry his secret. I stayed for a number of reasons - I wanted what we had worked for to go to our family, my husband experienced a number of health issues and needs care, we have a history. I no longer feel the same way about my husband but we get along well. He has become the husband I had always hoped he would be. But I definitely have trust issues now and I understand the numbness you are experiencing. I still have days like that, even 6 years later. I think long term affairs really throw one off balance. They do such a number on one's self-esteem. How does one compete with a fantasy? I highly recommend finding a good therapist. Mine has been so helpful and encouraging. I have devoured books on infidelity but few address long-term affairs. Read all you can here. Elle has wonderful insight and advice. And keep your focus on that new grandbaby. Life does go on and it will get better, but it takes time. Hugs.
Hi Gina I get it I feel the same. I long to feel safe more than loved. My husband tries but I have come to accept after over five years since d day he is not enough for me to stay anymore. I finally feel proud of myself to say it out loud and do something I never wanted end my marriage. But my marriage ended when he cheated I was trying to save something already dead.
Michelle, Welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join. Everything your feeling is perfectly normal, under the circumstances. The hard part is just letting yourself feel all this horribleness and trust that it will pass. In the short term, please get a good therapist who can support you as you begin to process the pain. You do not need to make any big decisions right now. In fact, it's recommended that you don't make any big decisions until you're in a more emotionally stable state. You want to respond rather than react. You're wise not to tell your kids, unless they ask you directly. Practice self-care. Eat well, sleep if you can, avoid alcohol, drugs, any compulsive behaviours. You've been dealt a traumatic blow and it takes time for your mind and body to absorb it and figure out what to do from here. It sounds, apart from the affair, like your marriage was in trouble. Which IN NO WAY excuses the affair. There is no excuse for betraying a partner and I'm so sorry it happened to you. You are perfectly normal to feel so devastated by this. But figure out whether, affair or not, this is the marriage you want, the man you want. Im curious too, about your use of the word "Power", which seems an odd choice in the context of a marriage. I think I understand what you're saying but "power" implies that one partner has it and the other doesn't, which isn't a healthy dynamic at all. You have all the power you need to make choices for yourself and to respond to others' choices in the way that's most healthy for you. I don't mean to sound all new-agey, but that's something so many of us learn after betrayal. We can't control what happens to us but we can always control how we respond to it. That's the only power we've ever had, however much we might have thought otherwise. In the meantime, Michelle, therapy/support, self-care, time. You will get through this, I promise. And you will be fine, I promise.
I am just over 8 months past my husband saying "I have something I have to tell you" how do you go on everyday not feeling like he's still doing it and you're just the fool whos being lied to again and again?
HI Anon 7/21 You will never know what's going on inside their heads.
He has to prove to you he's worthy of staying around and since we can't rely on their words, what is he actually doing? Is he answering all your questions? Is he being transparent and giving you access to his phone, computer, pass words etc Is he going to couples and individual therapy? Is he prioritizing you?
Trust me. You are no fool. He is for betraying and lying to you.
I am now divorced after my ex husband promised me he would do all that I asked for, but he couldn't. He was still lying and cheating.
Now things are different for you, you will look at things in your marriage differently. You'll just know. You'll just feel it if things aren't right Trust your gut. That instinct is real.
I found out my husband has been cheating with the same person off and on for years. I went through his phone and confronted him. He told me everything. The OW is someone we both know. Me and the OW aren’t friends but the fact that she know me and knows that me and him were together infuriates me. Cheating is terrible but he took the betrayal to new heights by cheating with someone that knows me. He said he first hooked up with her before we started dating. He said once we got together she still wanted to be involved with him. He said they’d hook up and take breaks, the longest break was two years. She bought him things and gave him access to all of her credit cards. She paid for the hotels and acted as a submissive.
I discovered the affair by looking through his emails. After I confronted him he wrote her an email and told her that I knew. He said that he didn’t want to have a relationship with her on any level and that if I was willing he wanted to repair his marriage. She responded and said how he has used her for the last time and how he’s been a heartless manipulator since they first started hooking up.
He said that since we got engaged and married he hasn’t saw her in person that they only spoke through text or email. He said he didn’t tell her we were married because he still wanted to get material things from her. He said he liked that he could pick and choose when he felt like dealing with her.
Since the discovery he’s given me verbal apologies, written apologies, he’s answered very question I ask about the affair, we started counseling and he’s been practicing relentless empathy. He said since being caught he’s feels free. He said he realizes that that situation was toxic and he’s disappointed in himself for allowing it to happen. He also said that even if we don’t work he would never contact her again because he doesn’t like who he was in that situation.
Even with all the openness and reassurance I still can’t accept what he’s done. Sometimes when I look at him I’m disgusted and my stomach hurts. I even have visions of them having sex in my head. Before the discovery I couldn’t imagine him doing something like this. It like he’s a completely different person. He was living two different lives. I know I might sound crazy but I believe he’s genuinely sorry and I don’t think he’ll rekindle anything with her but Im too angry to tell him that I believe him. I want to continue to work on restoring my marriage but I can’t focus on the good changes I keep focusing on the affair. I can’t get the images of them out my head. Any suggestions on how to forgive and any suggestions on getting the intrusive thoughts of the affair out of my head?
Peace Seeker, You don't say how long ago you found out. I ask because those mind movies tend to fade away as does our disgust with who they were, and is replaced by the person they become. In my case, I watched my husband work so hard to figure out why he cheated wtih a woman he could hardly stand (like you, the OW in my case knew me). And as he took full responsibility for the pain he caused and made himself fully accountable, I regained respect for him. I fell in love with this "new" him. But that doesn't happen for everyone. Some women can't or don't want to give their partners -- even partners who are doing everything "right" -- another chance. And that's perfectly okay. We each get to decide what we want to do about this situation we never asked for. But if it's been less than six months, I'd take a bit longer to decide. Most experts recommend we don't make any big decisions for up to a year because our brains are still reeling from the shock. But, again, your choice. As for getting the thoughts out of your head, there are some CBT tricks (snapping an elastic on your wrist when you start thinking them, or imaginging a big stop sign etc.) But often time works its magic. Just don't indulge the thoughts. Try and distract yourself.
Seeing your response means so much. I wasn’t sure how to post my story and didn’t know it actually posted until visiting your blog to read some more stories and hopefully get some helpful tips. I found out about the affair 4 months ago. My husband is working hard to show me he is no longer that person. On one hand I’m happy that he’s going full force with making positives changes, rebuilding our relationship and rebuilding me but on the other hand I remember why he’s doing this and it makes me sick. Why did I have to go through hell to get him to be who he is showing me now? I’ve been trying methods our therapist has given me to help me with the flashes. It’s not helping much though. Is it too soon to be over flashes? Will I be able to be intimate with him without seeing them?
Peace Seeker, There is no answer to the "why did I have to go through this". No acceptable answer. It is what it is. Now...what are you going to do with that experience? Keep doing what your therapist suggested -- these things take time. They will go away. And yes, you likely will be able to reconnect intimately but it will probably require your husband being able to connect to you in the moment and you being able to do the same. In my case, I needed my husband to look me in the eyes, so that I was sure he was focused on me, that he was present with me.
Hi everyone, I’m grateful to have found this site. Elle, you are wonderful, thank you for talking about your own pain in an effort to relieve ours. I hope if cathartic and not a reliving of pain. I feel like my story is somehow more shameful or severe than other people’s, I realize that’s an egotistical thing to say because I recognize all the pain on these pages. But my shame is intense. I’ve been married 30+ years and found out my husband had an affair 25 years ago. The way I found out was that our adult daughter got a hit on ancestry that she had a new relative who turned out to be her half sister. My husband had no knowledge of the child. The OW was married so she probably told her husband the child was his. We were on vacation when the ancestry alert came in so all my adult kids know, as well as my sister, who I would have told anyway. My husband has taken full responsibility and blame and to his credit, has made me feel very loved in the almost 1 year since discovering this. He did not have an easy life. He was abused and molested as a child. He had addiction problems as an adult when we were together. For all the bad things that I knew our marriage was though, I didn’t know it was this so my life with him seems like a farce. Jim Gaffidan has a comedy routine where he talks about being the Dumbo after waiting in line 2 hours in Disney just to see a picture of Dumbo. “I’m the Dumbo, he says, they should show me a picture of myself.” That’s what I feel like. I’m the dumbo. While I was working full time, raising small children, and going back to school, he was having sex with someone else and got her pregnant. It’s the pregnancy part that really hurts me the most, I think. Ito get someone pregnant is such an intimate act. One that is no longer special to me bc I’m not the only one he did this to. I am in therapy as well as him. He went at my request. We separated for about 1 month after the infidelity was exposed, but I did not want to leave him. I felt, and continue to feel, very loved by him. He is not the person he was when we were married years ago. He’s truly changed and become such a better man. But how do I deal with all these feelings. Dday is arriving soon for 1 year and I feel like I’m not as healed as I had hoped I’d be. Am still unable to tell my best friend, a friend who I know would be supportive. I feel like the words can’t come out of my mouth without the shame filling my body. I feel like everyone is pointing and saying, “ she’s the dumbo.”
Oh Annie, You are most definitely NOT the Dumbo. You are a loyal, hardworking, loving wife and mother whose husband lied to her. What would you say to your best friend if she told you exactly the story you posted her? My guess is you would not call her a Dumbo. You would be furious with her spouse on her behalf. Your heart would break for her and for her children who are absorbing this new reality. But you would place the blame squarely where it belonged: On the offender who lied and cheated. I hope, for both your and your husband's sakes, that you can respect the work your husband has put in to become a man worthy of you. And I hope he has been able to apologize for not only the cheating but the lying for so many years. I hope, too, that you can support each other regarding this Other Child -- who may or may not want to some day be in your lives. But where you see pregnancy as "intimate", I see it as nothing more than a biological process. The love behind the pregnancy can be intimate or it can be mechanical or it can be any number of things. But the pregnancy itself is just...biology. I wonder, given how deep your shame goes, if there's more stuff there in your own life that might need addressing. As my brilliant therapist often reminded me, if your response to something seems greater than the something, it's probably old stuff. I get the pain and anger and all that around discovering this but the shame? I'm wondering if that's partly "old stuff" for you. In any case, start treating yourself the way you would this best friend that you know you can count on. And I hope you can find a way to confide in her. You deserve the support. And I can almost guarantee that "Dumbo" is the last thing she would say to you.
Thank you Elle. It’s interesting about the shame. I’m sure it has roots somewhere else for me, but I also feel it’s a “natural” response to being sexually duped. We even have words to describe husbands whose wives are cheating, like cuckold. And the cuckold is seen as a fool. So it’s a struggle for me to determine what is societal and what is my own stuff.
But totally separate topic….I think you should start a podcast. The only recent podcast out there, IMO, on the topic of infidelity is Esther Perel’s and hers is more marriages counseling than solely focused on infidelity. The others that I listened to were not good at all. Yours would def rock.
I'm so glad I found this - I will be reading a lot. I just found out my husband met up with his ex fiance for drinks. The lies he made the day he went were elaborate and planned. I'm supposed to believe it was just drinks. My stepson was here for the weekend when I found out. So we talked a little but I saved face for the weekend. I canceled plans we had because I couldn't be a fake family. I went and met my family out and gave a lame excuse. I asked my husband for his phone numerous times in the same day. He finally relented and all his conversations with her were deleted. I searched for other texting apps thinking I would find something with them communicating and I found conversations with 2 other women from last September. I'm supposed to believe he has never done anything. I am a very logical low emotio. Perso. And I've handled this well so far. He wants to work it out and we already agreed he would go to counseling and tomorrow I'll be setting up counseling for myself. I told him that I'm a cunt and he has never seen be be a cunt and I don't think we can survive trying to repair this fake marriage. I will no longer be playing the good wife so now when he will need support he won't be getting it from me because I did that and look what I got. I no longer want to hear about his job or about his day so I'm not sure how this is going to work. I have no idea where to go from here. I know I didn't do this but I'm embarrassed. We will have to tell our families something because I'm not going to have his family come here and I'm not going to be able to go away with my family. I can't pretend. What do people tell people? If I don't tell the truth it let's him off. This is all very very new. It's Monday and I found out Saturday- completely accidentally
Nuclear explosion (that it, indeed, what it feels like, doesn't it?), Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. And you are not obligated to cover for him. That said, depending on whether or not you've got even a slight possibility of working this out, it can help to keep those around you (the ones you're not sure you can trust to be supportive) somewhat in the dark. You can tell them that you're having problems in your marriage right now and that you aren't ready to say anything further and leave it at that. And you're smart to not trust him right now -- he has shown himself to be untrustworthy. Watch and see what he does -- does he go to therapy? Does he take steps to make clear that he wants to understand why he did this and how to make amends? Does he give you access to all his communication devices? You'll find a lot of info and support here. You are among friends. And please know, you will get through this.
I’m sorry for your situation and I know how insane everything feels for you today. I’ve covered for my husband for many years about many things with our kids, parents, friends and employers. When I learned of his affair a year ago. I decided to quit enabling him. It really helped me in those early days to vent and solicit others ears and even opinions….HOWEVER….that did sort of bite me in the ass at a point. When I decided I wanted to try and reconcile there were a lot more amends to be made and a lot more people who had become involved. I found myself wishing I were better at keeping my boundaries and preserving OUR privacy. My advice is to play the tape all the way through just in case. Find a good therapist and pick one or two best friends. Siblings and parents have a hard time overlooking down the road I have found. I’m with you. I loathe fake anything. I can’t plaster on a smile and pretend. So last year I literally refused to attend Christmas with his family. I didn’t say why. I just said I could not attend. They figured it out and I didn’t have to say a word. So hold true to yourself and remember nobody NEEDS an explanation. The best advice I got early on was “RADIO SILENCE”. It will be good for you and it will make him shake in his boots a bit and he needs to get scared to get honest I have found. Ugh…my heart goes out to you.
Thank you. Unfortunately I don't know what he really wants. He said he would do whatever to make amends bit I believe nothing he says right now. I rather him let me go if deep down that's what he wants. I've sent him off for the week. When he comes back I will know more about where we all stand. I had my 1st therapy appointment today. I have one set up for Monday- help me with whatever happened this weekend. I did tell my 2 best friends and that was all...so far.
Hi, I’m happy to finally have found a Forum with women who went through the same thing. It’s been 5 months since I found out. Got an Instagram DM from the girl who had a year long affair with my husband. I was 33 weeks pregnant. We’ve been together 3,5years of which we spent 2,5 years long distance. We got traditionally married in 2019 and planned for me to move to the US late 2020, but then corona hit and we weren’t able to see each other for months. I desperately tried to find a way and decided to quit my job and come to the US permanently on the first opportunity. I quit my job and gave up my apartment and almost all my belongings very short notice and was able to come mid 2020, after 7 months apart. I trusted him fully and we were in touch every day, so I would have never thought something might have happened, even when he seemed a little more distant and wanted less sex. We even spent a beautiful month in Europe together with my family after a change of corona rules and i got pregnant. Everything seemed exactly like I have wished for! We got legally married in the US in March and apparently the county published the names of newlyweds. That’s how she found out. She told me that they have matched on tinder a year ago and started sleeping with each other for months until he moved to another state (right before I arrived from Europe) but continued to text and occasionally call until now. They even met up when I went to Europe and he had to briefly stay back because of the election. He swears he didn’t sleep with her then because I was pregnant, but she says differently. I decided to fly back home highly pregnant but told him that he had a chance with me if he gave up everything in tje US and came to my country to make things work. He agreed and really came a few weeks later for our daughters birth and the months after. He lost his job a few days after I found out because we were in an extreme state of no sleep and emotional chaos that his performance at work suffered heavily. He tried to get a job here but it didn’t happen and he had to accept an offer from the US which isn’t even remote, so he had to go back 2 weeks ago. Since then I’m much less hopeful, feel left alone with my pain by him. He seems less eager to salvage things even though he tries to be much more transparent. I’m just so scared to be stupid to give him that chance after this huge breach of trust! But I’m not ready to let go of him… and of my dream of a future as a Family… Please be honest about what you think about this. No one in my family knows except for my sister, but I can’t really talk about it with anyone I know. I’m too scared
Layla, I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, especially as pregnancy should be a time of hope and planning and joy. No-one can predict another's chance of success at reconciliation. You are the best judge of that. But really ask yourself if he's meeting you in the middle -- is he willing to do the hard things to make things better for you? Is he prioritizing you and your soon-to-be child? Is he showing you that he is willing to make himself uncomfortable in order to help you heal from such a breach of trust? Are you able to communicate your needs and trust that he will do what he can to support you? Also, how do you anticipate this working logistically? I hope you're in therapy where you can work through the pain of betrayal, as well as consider these really tough questions with someone who can support you emotionally. I genuinely hope that this guy realizes what's important to him and does everything he can to get clear on why he violated your trust. In the meantime, please don't hesitate to continue to share here.
Thank you so much for answering! He was here for the birth and the first 2,5 months, my daughter turned 3 months yesterday and to be honest, she’s the best thing ever happening to me! For the most part of him being here with us those important first weeks of our daughter’s life, I was hopeful, because he is an amazing father and because he wasn’t working he was really there for us and still took financial responsibility for us here. He was the one who wanted to do couple’s therapy and paid for it. But I feel like the enthusiasm decreased heavily. He started being relieved when a therapy session got cancelled because it was starting to get expensive for him. He started to get silent and withdraw when I asked questions again because in his opinion we talked about everything already. And now that he is back in the US I feel like his priorities are shifting again and he’s more focussed on himself and work again. You asked a question, that hit a spot with me: is he willing to make himself uncomfortable in order to make you heal from such a breach of trust? … and i think that’s what unsettles me a little. I am very ambivalent because he says he’s really trying everything and it really isn’t an easy situation but I don’t trust him and I don’t know how to be a little more relaxed in this situation. I’m talking to a therapist on the phone, but it’s not a real therapy. I can’t be tenured again if I went to therapy… it helps to share here though and reading your powerful and empathetic response! Thank you so much!
And if I can add one thing: yes it took a lot away from the joy of pregnancy and I was so scared that she’ll turn out traumatised because of the extreme emotions I went through with her in my belly. But she is such a ray of sunshine and life. She makes everything a lot easier
Hello and thank you for this amazing site. My husband told me 7 weeks ago of his affair 15 years ago that lasted for 5 months, then in the weeks following he has drip few me with other interactions he has had over a period of 20 years from drunken kisses to prostitutes, massages with happy endings and his porn/wanking addiction.He has treated me with lots of emotional abuse over the years but I ducked it up with two small children. Plus we have been together since 16 so I didn't realise it wasn't normal.He has always complained at how little sex he gets from me but it's probably normal for most couples he has an extremely high sex drive to the point it's his only focus. From him coming clean he wants me to forget the past and move on like nothing happened. we have seen a councilor which helped a little and he has been really nice to me but am I crazy to think I can make this work? The trauma is still so fresh I have some many questions in my head I feel I am going insane and I can't talk about it with people close to me. For some reason I just want to have sex with him but feel yuck afterwards and feel like I am rewarding him. He said he feels bad what he did and wants to make us work but it's so hard to trust anything he is saying after so many lies.
Hi, m sorry. I have a similar situation. You CAN make this work but not by forgetting the past. You can only move on by confronting the past. Your husband will have to make himself very comfortable in facing the man that he is. It sounds like he uses sex as a way to distract himself from some type of pain. He will have to go to therapy to examine himself and he may not like that, but it is the only way. That is something you can actually require of him if he wishes to get a chance to keep you with him. Elle has some great posts about why we want to have sex all the time after learning of the affair. It’s a way of binding our men to us. But def read more on this amazing site. I also recommend you get a good therapist for yourself, separate from his. This can work but it will take time and lots of effort, esp on his part.
I realize this is a risky place to post this given the sensitive nature of the subject and the pain so many have and are feeling, but figured it's worth a shot. Through a series of completely avoidable choices, I found myself becoming the other woman.
I know what caused me to seek solace from someone other than my husband and know the exact moment my "friendship" took a wrong turn. We never crossed tangible, physical lines, but it's clear the desire was mutually there. His wife knows what took place and we've never spoken to each other since then.
I owned up to my side of things with my husband and dealt with our deep skeletons.
What I wanted to immediately do is apologize, sincerely with no strings attached, to his wife. I chose not to because it would seem I was only sorry I got caught and that's not the case. It's been a few years and at times I still wish I could apologize to her but I don't know that I should.
I said and did things completely out of character for myself, but they are still things I chose to do. It was the first and only time I was ever unfaithful and the first and only time I crossed lines with with a married man. The apology, I hope, isn't for me but for her.
What would you think if the other woman genuinely owned up and apologized to you for her behavior and role in any pain you incurred from the affair? Would it help or hurt?
I realize part of helping is ghosting them but I also feel I owe her an apology. Not an explanation or excuse. Just an apology.
Anonymous, Yes, you did take a risk posting here but I suspect you will find that the betrayed women who come here are decent and compassionate and open-hearted, albeit also broken-hearted. Other might chime in with their thoughts but here are mine. You've taken the time to consider the choice you made without blaming anyone else. You recognize that you caused pain, although I doubt you fully understand just how much pain you caused and how that pain continues to resonate for a lifetime. And you also realize that the kindest thing you could do was disappear from their lives. That said, there are absolutely betrayed women who want/need to hear from the other woman that she feels regret and wishes she could undo the pain she caused. So, yes, I think a genuine apology without asking for anything, without expecting anything, could be a valuable thing. So often those of us left in the ashes become convinced that the affair partner somehow escaped a reckoning. We assume that they are blithely living their lives, free of the consequences of the pain they caused. The truth, of course, is more complicated than that. We imagine too that we were a laughing stock, the butt of a joke. Knowing that the affair partner sees us as fully human, as worthy of respect and decency and, perhaps, an apology, might go a long way. I can't, of course, predict whether the betrayed wife in this case will welcome your apology. She might respond with fury. It might create more pain. I don't know. But it seems your intentions are sincere. You might want to read this post before you move forward: https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2021/08/what-anne-lamott-can-teach-us-about.html Whatever you do, it sounds as though you, too, learned a valuable lesson about easy it is to cross lines, to relegate others to the sidelines, to allow our pain to drive choices that cause pain to others. Affairs aren't committed by "bad" people per se. They are the act of people seeking something outside their marriage and outside themselves that should be sought in other ways. Sounds like it was a lesson you've learned well.
If you do move ahead with an apology, I'm wondering if you'd consider sharing your story here -- however it works out. I think we all benefit from hearing each other and trying to understand.
I’m so glad I found this site, though I wish I didn’t have to search for it in the first place. It’s 3 weeks from d-day. A day I wished I would never have to face. I’ve grown up with broken families and my mum had horrible experiences in her relationships. I always dreamt that I would never go through that - and I thought I found the one man that would never do that to me. I was so wrong. I am only 25 and not yet married (probably never will be now), I have been with my partner for 4 years (living together for 3) and we have a baby girl together. My daughter is only 5 weeks old. Our situation starts with long distance love (my partner is in military). My partner left for work training when I was 6 weeks pregnant and was gone up until I was 34 weeks pregnant. We called every night though I did feel he became distant during his time away. I put this down to him being busy (boy was I wrong). I did have my suspicions of him cheating (nightmares, gut feelings etc), but he always reassured me, so I had to trust him. When he came home he was ‘off’. I knew something was wrong but I thought maybe he had fallen out of love. I found a blocked girl on my Social media (he had blocked her when I was asleep) so I asked him who it was. He said she was a friend and was worried I would get weird that he had a chick friend from his time at training. I thought this was sus but again, had no proof so had to trust him. After about 3 weeks of him being home something snapped in him. He became the most loving and nurturing partner to me - a partner I could’ve only dreamt of. This behaviour continued after my baby girl was born and i was so so happy. Until…. 3 weeks ago. I got an email from the OW. Photo proof and even a video of them kissing (ew). I was numb and in shock. My fears had become a reality. My partner admitted to it all. In the email she stated they had been together 4 times a week for months. Though my partner said she was over exaggerating and they were only together once a week. The affair lasted 3 months and it was physical and emotional (though my partner denies loving her etc). He called the affair off before he came back home though they continued to talk and fight in secrecy once he was home due to her finding out about me and wanting him to choose her. My partner explained that he was in a dark place during training though he knows this is no excuse. He said he thought he had fallen out of love but once he returned home he was filled with guilt and regret (hence the weird behaviour). He swears he was going to tell me himself but was waiting on the ‘right’ time as I was so pregnant. Whether this is true or not I will never know. I am still in shock I think. I reacted so well because I had a newborn to care for and she needed me to be okay. My partner has taken the initiative to go to counselling regularly so this never happens again. We will also be attending couples therapy and I will be seeing a counsellor myself to help process my grief. I just can’t look past the fact that he didn’t think of me and his unborn child during the time he was with the OW. I am so disgusted and I could NEVER betray someone I loved like that. I am choosing to work through it for my daughters sake but only time will tell if I can truly forgive and trust again. Oh another thing, this OW continued to try and contact my partner after he told her to stop (he blocked her on everything and she continued to call off friends phones), she even messaged two of my friends and now they know. I find that so selfish of the OW. How do you look past the judgment of others. I feel as though my friends think I’m weak for choosing to work on my relationship. Am I weak? Is it wrong to try for my daughter? I really do still love him but I don’t know what is real with him anymore. I hope this improves over time.
Ally, You are so courageous and so strong. To be able to deal with the agony of betrayal AND give birth and nurture a newborn...well, I bow my head to you. And I don't give a f@*k what anyone might have to say about whether it's "stronger" to stay with someone who betrays us or kick him to the curb because the only people who think it's more badass to kick him out, is someone who's likely never gone through betrayal. It takes HUGE guts to stay and work it out while also insisting that he get himself together and work on himself so that he NEVER does this again. (It can also take huge guts to leave a relationship. Nobody gets to decide what the right decision for us is except...us. We get to decide because we have to live with the consequences of our decision.) So...now what? Well, you've already taken really important, necessary steps -- that he seek help to get clear on why he allowed himself to cross a line that he himself sees as wrong. That you have the support of a good therapist is so valuable too. Being a new mom is such a hard (and also wonderful) thing and you need as much support and nurturing as you can get. So please PLEASE make sure you're taking as good care of yourself as you are of your baby. And your baby!! What a lucky girl to have such a strong, courageous mom and one who clearly values her. So, to recap: You are not weak. You are so strong. Giving someone the chance to become a better person is a real gift -- and it takes such courage. I hope he realizes how lucky he is. And trying to keep your daughter's dad in her and your life is to be lauded. Again, I hope he steps up and becomes the person he should have been all along. And yes, assuming he does the work to better understand himself and be honest, then it definitely gets better with time. Relationships are hard in the best of circumstances -- and you two have had distance, military (which often brings trauma), and a new baby. That's a LOT for any couple to deal with. But you sound extremely mature and wise. Just remember to treat yourself with the respect you deserve.
UGH!!! I feel so much for you right now. I wish I could give you a hug. I also found out about my husband cheating when our second child was about 5 weeks old and that he was cheating while I was pregnant, even our names are similar. The excuses all sound so same and I hate how the cheaters can't really give us an explanation for why they do it, but then again, there is no acceptable reason to cheat. I too, cannot fathom how you can love someone and cheat on them! Those who have not been in our situation cannot understand how strong we have to be to stay and to also take care of a newborn. You are mature and wise, just like Elle said and I hope you realize that and get enough rest.
I am also glad that he is getting the help he needs so he will never do this again. Prayers to you mama.
After stalking this site for a few weeks, I finally have the courage to share my story. I cannot express how grateful I am to have found this community. This will be long and I am still very much in the beginning stages, but this is the first time that I feel I can tell my story to others who understand and have the same feelings as I do. A little background on my husband’s job is that he is a merchant marine for the government. So he is gone for MONTHS at a time, usually 4-6, but now with covid its been 6-10 for most people. We were lucky that he was assigned to a ship in our city last year, but when Covid hit, they were stuck on the ship and I guess the stress got to him and he had to get off the ship because he got shingles. We have never had any trust issues, we have been together for 12 years and married for 6. He has had this job for 9 years. He was then assigned to another ship overseas last November and he was delayed coming home due to staffing issues and was gone for a total of 8 months, the longest we’ve ever gone without seeing each other. He left in November and came back in June only because he was able to transfer to a ship in our home town. I also found out I was pregnant with our second child 2 weeks after he left, so I was pregnant the entire time he was gone. I am an RN and work nights while also caring for our 2 year old, so this last pregnancy was very difficult for me. The last month he was on his last ship, he was telling me he was trying everything to get him home, asking if my doctor could write a note saying that I needed him home so he could FMLA, I could not understand why he was so desperate to come home, he was even getting angry because he felt I wasn’t also trying hard enough. I knew it was a long time and I wanted him home just as much because I was going crazy too, but it was just different. Like I said, just seemed more desperate. His boss was able to pull some strings and get him back on his old ship here in our city.
I noticed that when he came back his phone was always going off. He said that people on his last ship just missed him. That he was like, “the man,” over there. Hes funny and charismatic, so I figured that was probably the case. I never checked his phone because I’ve never had a reason to snoop. I ended up having our second baby a month early in July. When we were able to have sex again, he would comment how it was so amazing and that everything about it was great, which was weird to me, because our sex life had always been great and if he hadn’t had sex for 8 months it should feel amazing. Dday for me was August 25th and full disclosure was September 12th. August 25th I received a facebook message from a woman who said they had an affair 2 years ago when he was on a ship in Charleston, SC. She told me she had screen shots of some of their conversations and pictures they had sent to each other. She told me that my husband had called her boyfriend telling him that she wouldn’t leave my husband alone, so she was going to do the same and ruin his life as well. I was absolutely devastated. I never in a million years thought that my husband would cheat on me. He was always so proud to be married and loves our son so much, his family was always first. It upset me even more because during that time of this alleged affair, I was pregnant with our first son. I confronted him and he said that woman liked him and that he was just messing around with the flirty messages, but never did anything physical with her. I was completely broken by just the messages alone. They were so inappropriate to be writing as a married man. Telling her she’s pretty, calling her babe and telling her he loves her. How is that a joke?! The worst part is that he didn’t really see anything wrong with it because he swore nothing physical happened, even though she said they did. I demanded we go to counseling if he wanted to fix things and asked him if there were any other women and he swore to me that there weren’t.
We would go on dates and the sex was even more amazing than I could remember, I felt that we were really connecting emotionally. He was being more helpful with the kids and being so attentive to me. His phone was still going off, but I tried to push that icky feeling away, until one day I couldn’t. I snooped through his social media and found chats on his snapchat with two girls. I started screen shotting the messages and one woman, I’ll call her OW-M, asked why I was doing that (because snap chat tells you if someone screen shots your chat). I told her that I was his wife and that their messages were inappropriate. She said I had nothing to worry about because they were just friends and that he had helped her through a rough time while she was on the last ship with him. The other conversation with the other woman, who I will call OW-C were more personable. She wrote that the ship was going out to sea and he wrote that he missed her. I was livid. I demanded to know who these women were. He said they were “just friends,” from the last ship and it was flirty but that was it. That OW-M was a friend who was going through a sexual harassment issue at work and that she would talk to him about it. OW-C was a really nice girl and that they were just friends. I could not believe he was so stupid to still be talking to these women AFTER I had already given him another chance. Our counseling appointment was the next day. It was more of a housekeeping appointment and we didn’t get to discuss the issues I really wanted to talk about for the first session, but I felt that he was being honest and was willing to take the therapy seriously. He told me that OW-M messaged him asking if we were okay and he told her that we were working on things and that it was going to get better. He had to leave the next day and the his current ship went out for 2 weeks.
The day he left I went through his social media again, because something still felt off. This was full disclosure day, September 12th. I read the conversation between him and OW-M and she asked, “how the F did you hide your wife? Did she see messages from _____(I’ll call her OW-S)?!” he replied, “omg no, that would’ve been bad, but she knew I was married.” OW-M told him she wanted to tell me, “there was a bitch on the ship obsessed with your husband.” At this point all I’m seeing is red. So I messaged OW-M and ask her for the truth, which she does tell me that my husband was in fact having an affair with another woman and that she knew started at the end of March, but didn’t know who OW-C was because she (OW-M) left the ship in April due to her sexual harassment issue. OW-M swore she had no idea that my husband was married and told me that he was a major flirt. Now, my husband and I are in our early 30s and these women are in their early 20s, they are 10 years younger than us. He still has cell signal, so I call him and confront him about this OW-S and OW-C and he admits that he did have sex with them. My whole world fell completely apart that day. Messages I could most likely get over, but physical cheating? How could I? How could I be married to someone who I felt like I didn’t even know anymore? I then found out he had been messaging another woman while he was home, but stopped in August, because he said he knew it was wrong and he was trying to stop doing things that weren’t right. I then found out his friend, who is also married was trying to get him to agree to a threesome with another woman, he swears that he was never going to do it, he just wanted to see if he could if he wanted to. I could not believe this was my husband.
I couldn’t help myself and messaged both OW-C and OW-S. I gave them a piece of my mind. It wasn’t as mean as I wanted it to be and I truly felt that I made my feelings known. I felt I did it in a classy way. Is that possible? OW-S replied and was extremely apologetic, but then again, she’s probably afraid I will tell her husband, which I have decided not to because I already have much to worry about in my own life. I know karma will get her one day. OW-C didn’t reply to me, but emailed my husband on his work email asking how the F I knew about her and that she was, “losing her fucking shit.” No apology from her, but I don’t expect one at this point. I became obsessed with knowing everything about them. I think I know more about them that my husband ever knew. That’s how crazy I got. I did find out that they didn’t know about each other, so he was also lying to them.
The most amazing thing to me is that I still love my husband. I didn’t think it was possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time. I don’t know if it was a good or bad thing that he was gone while I found everything out because I probably would’ve ripped his throat out. I had time to process everything by myself, but at the same time felt like I needed him next to me so he could just see me cry and I wanted him to see how much his bad decisions broke my heart. He does seem extremely remorseful. He’s changed his number, blocked those women on all social media and cut off all communication, which is the least he could’ve done and though his job is great financially for us and his location is okay for now, I cannot risk OW-C coming to his ship. She works for the same company as him, whereas OW-S is in the navy and only on his last ship because they have half navy personnel. He even had the nerve to tell me that he feels so much better now that I know everything and that there isn’t anything he has to hide.
I was seeing a therapist while pregnant because I was having anxiety and continued to see her after Dday, but she’s quitting and I am so sad for having to start over with someone new.
I can see that my husband is trying to change and I try really hard to focus on the man he is becoming rather than the man that he was even just a few months ago. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage because now more than ever he realizes how important I am and that he never once thought of leaving me and never stopped loving me (does that even make sense???) that even if I left him, he would never date those other women. After knowing what I know about them, I know I am better in every way. I am a great catch. At first I doubted that. That there must be something wrong with me and that’s why he wanted to cheat, because they have to want to cheat, right? There is no way, “it just happens,” like he told me. How do I know it wont just happen again? He swears he sees everything differently and would never do this again. Again, I know its still very fresh, but it already feels like a lifetime ago. My therapist said whatever decision I make, I need to make on my own and not let anyone try to change my mind. My sister thinks I need to leave him because I deserve better, which I do, but then again, she and her husband do not have kids yet and that has definitely played a huge role in my decision to stay. I read on here that someone wrote, “I was willing to fight for my family, but my husband had to fight for our marriage.” That really hit a chord with me.
If you made it all the way till the end, thank you for reading my story. Its been a really hard year and I am trying to stay strong and not check social media to look up those other girls and really trying hard to focus on the future instead of being stuck in that state of shock and betrayal. I cry still sometimes. Two days ago I just bawled my eyes out when my babies were napping. I tell myself its okay to feel, but at one point I know I need to start moving forward. I am probably also still hormonal too. Glad that I’m still on maternity leave, not sure how I would’ve functioned at work.
You replied to my story above and I felt an instant connection with you. I am so sorry for what we’ve both gone through. We shouldn’t have ever had to experience this but we will only come out stronger (regardless of where our relationships end up).
I completely relate to your obsession with the OW (or both in your instance). I am constantly wanting to check her socials and see if she’s uploaded new photos. I constantly compare myself to her even though I know I’m much better in every way (I have a degree, I’m a loving mother, I’m mature and in my opinion I look better 😂). I’m sure you feel the same.
I want you to know that you’re not alone. I too still cry myself to sleep some days. Your kids are so blessed to have you as a mother. They are going to grow up being the strongest and most caring people. I know this because going through a trauma like this and still being able to love your betrayer is such a courageous and compassionate thing for you to do and i know you’ll pass on those qualities to your kids. As will I. I check this site often, I am always here if you want to relate some more or vent.
Good morning I am not sure if i am doing something wrong but i shared my story but it is not showing. Should I log in or must i be a member first. It was about married for 32 years and advice on detachment. Would really appreciate some advice
My 20 yr. marriage ended in divorce when my self-obsessed husband put the final nail in the coffin by having an affair with a(n) (ex)friend of mine. In the midst of my divorce I found out I had breast cancer. He moved out two days before I went in for my breast surgery. I went through cancer 100 % on my own while my kids were completely under my care too. I spent years alone. I did later meet a man who I thought was the love of my life, and I still, sadly, deeply love him. We have been together for 5 years. (His first wife ran off with a 16 year old boy and abandoned him and their two kids!!) He raised his kids completely on his own and when his daughter was finally in college, he quickly met someone and married her. They were married for 3 months before he realized she was unstable and destructive and they divorced. She was so unstable and so jealous of even his daughter that she set his daughter up and falsely accused her of violence against her. She then put a restraining order against his 19 year old daughter so that she could no longer live with them. After they divorced, they actually tried to get back together a couple of times. A few years later he met me. I knew about her from him and his kids, and they all described her as crazy, evil and destructive. Then, this past August, I got a strange email from a woman who claimed she was having an affair with him. It was her. He did not admit the affair until she started sending me photos, texts and hotel receipts - TONS of them. She actually told me that she took every picture with the intention of sending them to me. She clearly was looking to destroy him and me. If she wasn't going to have him, nobody was. He claimed at first that their affair started around March and that they only slept together twice. He said they had very little contact before then. SHE, however, claimed that they were having an affair the entire 5 years of our relationship. I didn't know who to believe. I wanted to believe him. However, after he gave me full access to his phone (not realizing all I could see including his location history), I realized that he HAD seen her on and off for the entire 5 years. He claimed it was just "platonic" and that they occasionally got together for drinks, etc. I also found pictures that she sent him of her fake, bare breasts, and also sexting that they had done back in 2020.. I can't really know what went on all five years.. But, it hardly matters. I found out about the affair in Aug. The woman has been harassing me since then and I have had to go to the police. On top of that, I am absolutely gutted by the betrayal. It still think about literally every minute of every day, and it is excruciatingly painful - it is harder for me to deal with than having cancer. I am broken and destroyed. He has begged me for forgiveness and desperately wants to try to work things out. He is now in therapy to try to understand his self-destructive behavior with this mad woman, and I am in therapy just to try to become functional again. The crazy thing is that I do love him. I think he has problems, but I don't think he is a "bad" person per se - but maybe I am kidding myself. It's been almost 3 months and I still struggle with eating - I've lost about 25 lbs, and I can barely sleep and barely function much of the time. I HAVE agreed to try, because I want to see if it is possible for us to work it out.. I cry every day and struggle to make sense of any of it. He claims it meant nothing to him and that he doesn't know why he made such terrible mistakes. I do think she coerced him, but he was clearly a willing participant. Sometimes I feel like I won't survive this. I am a strong person, and a fighter but this feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I feel such sadness. I am desperate for relief but can't seem to find any. We plan to leave the city we live in to try to get away from this crazy madwoman. I don’t know if it will help. Am I crazy to even try with him?
Learned of a 2 year affair on our 10th anniversary October 9. Married 10 years, together 17. Just really hard to cope with. We’re in counseling. Couples and individual. I feel lost, alone, and inadequate.
I found out my H was having an affair on the 9th October 2021. We have Neen together 24 years, married 13 years and have 2 children.
He has been cheating for nearly a year. They wen to same School. She works in a shop in the Town where he works. He calls to her shop during the day. He calls to her home after work.
I confronted him and he said he was sorry and that he would finish it. Over the following 2 weeks things are better between us, no arguing and he’s home earlier from work and not heading out at night. Our intimate relationship is back, we make time for each other. Everything feels right. Unfortunately, I fall sick, nasty headcold. I get distracted trying to look after my own health, the kids, feeling miserable, stressed, need covid test, Dr call, antibiotics, sick note for work. I was ill for nearly 2 full weeks. Life continues and then he’s back to being cross and angry with me and the kids again. I start to wonder.
On 17th Nov I find hes still lying to me, there he is sexting and texting her. They are meeting again. Nude pics to each other. They are kissing and messaging 10-20 times each day He calls me a virus, he wants a vodu doll to have things happen to me so they can be together. I’m numb. He's sending her photos of our son. That’s it I decide I can’t live this way any longer.. I head to work the next morning and then text him and his family showing a snapshot .I’m broken....I say H DONT COME HOME and then ask the family to collect the kids and keep them overnight. I will pick them up tomorrow.
H has watched porn on the TV, which I have never minded. I have caught him texting another woman many many years ago on a separate phone. He stopped when I found out and asked him. I have had messages through the years from 2 women who said he wanted to text them from Facebook messenger. I know he has hundreds of friends on Facebook, some with very explicit photos. I know he likes nude photos and pornographic videos on his phone. I can’t understand how he can have these photos next to family photos in his Gallary on his phone.
I’m hurt, so hurt, angry, heartbroken. I’ve a pain in my chest. I feel betrayed. My stomach is in knots. I’ve a lump at the back of my throat. I keep crying. My mind is racing constantly. Ive read and reread the message streams. Im so tired but I can’t sleep properly. I’m searching google for answers. I'm stuck. I’m confused because sometimes I think I actually feel sorry for him...he genuinely seems to be in love with her. Im so angry. I’m shocked at how stupid I’ve been. Why didn’t I see it. I’ve been so consumed with keeping my loved ones safe from Covid, I’ve been so scared the last year and a half. I’ve been so distracted with work drama. I’ve put all my energy into trying to cope with it all and I completely missed what’s been happening. I’m so angry with them discussing me. I love him. I hate him. One second I want to fight for us and the next I’m not sure I want to fight for our marriage. I’m cross with myself for letting him make me feel this way. My parents are going to be shocked, I’m going to disappoint them. I’m worried I’ll hurt them if they find out. I’m ashamed of my H. I’m embarrassed. I haven’t told my friends or my own family. I want to tell my bestfriend but I’m scared she’ll tell me to leave him. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I rang my Dr on Wed and told him that my husband is cheating on me, I cried on the phone while I explained that I needed someone to talk to. He sent me a text with options and numbers. I googled them and on Thurs I contacted Apex and received a message back. I’m waiting for an appointment to see a psychologist, I was told I should get a phone call Monday pm with apt details. Today is Fri 19th Nov. ....
I am so sorry to hear the pain you are in. You are in the right place. All the people on this site know what you are going through. There are several resources available. Please check out BTR.org or PartnerHope. Both deal with porn use and sexually acting out. The kicker is you will not feel like this forever. It will just feel like it. Take care of yourself and your kids and stay safe. He is a grown man who allowed his bad decisions to hurt you. Don't let him hurt you anymore.
I have been married for 23 years. We have had ups and downs, but cheating/lying was something my husband said would never happen. I always had some suspicions over the years, but always trusted him because I never found anything…..until I did. I was looking at his Apple Watch and found messages, she was talking about “ is it bad that I’m feeling extra naughty”. He replied “only because I can’t take advantage of its”. She wrote “daydreaming about our hands on time” and then there was some “ Love and kisses to my Angel” replies from him to her. I confronted him, he admitted to texting, I also found long phone calls between them. He says there was never physical, it just “got out of hand and it was just talk”….they work in the same building. He lets me see his texts, but how do I get over this? I try talking and he basically is now saying I need to stop being “weird” and move on. That I can’t keep holding this over his head basically….I’m so hurt, it’s been 3 months since I found out. He says they never talk anymore, but it’s so hard. I go to worse case and imagine terrible things. I have told my Mom, but no one else. Thanks for this venue, I might look into counseling for myself.
1. I am sorry you have come to the club NO ONE wants to join. 2. Please tell me he is not demanding you just go ahead and trust him again, without him earning back your trust. If he wants to stay with you he must accept the fact that it's your heartbreak , your rules{not he's} your healing. Please do more than just consider therapy. It has saved many of us. Two resources that I have found helpful are BTR.org and PartnerHope. Good luck and stay safe.
Hello - I’m so lost and feel so isolated. I have no BFF, and my friendships are casual and few. My young adult daughters clearly cannot be used as my therapist (and, yes, I’ve considered therapy). I feel like my entire 30 year marriage was a mistake. We married too quickly, had kids too quickly. Soon it was obvious we were sexually incompatible. My husband wanted “quickies” and rarely cared about my sexual needs. He said he thought oral sex was “gross.” I had previously had a fabulous sex life, so I was pretty bitter. We talked and talked and talked about how to improve things, and even went to a marriage retreat. Nothing changed, and after a while, I just gave up. Sex became perfunctory. Fast forward to 2019 (we’d been married 27 years). Husband comes home on administrative leave for sexual harassment. Admits to getting blow jobs from a co worker in our car. Admits to multiple sexually charged flirtations at work. We go to counseling. Nothing changes, really. He says he has sex addiction. He loses his job (high powered exec making big money). We have to sell our home. We manage to purchase a small manufactured home in a coastal town- which was my dream. I stayed because I couldn’t afford at 62 to live apart. Things were ok for a while- no intimacy- I made it clear that chapter was closed. I told him with a little effort, we could have had smoking hot sex for 30 years, but he never made any effort to try. We function as pleasant roommates and do have some laughs together. Recently I’ve been frustrated because my husband has started to sleep during the day, or stare at his phone. I’m much more active than him, and I resent that every hike or road trip is initiated by me. I’m not going to sit on the couch for the rest of my life. Fast forward to November 2021. He is served with court papers. He’s being sued by a woman from his prior job (harassment, hostile work environment etc). The documents from the Plaintiff have made me feel so unimportant, unloved, neglected, hopeless, and angry. The documents reveal a pattern of inappropriate behavior going back to 2003. Porn at work, notes from women who he worked with who apparently were too afraid to come forward about how “creepy” my husband was. One woman called him the “office perv.” I distinctly remember a rate office party we attended. I was very proud of my husband because he was successful and well-liked at his office. A lot of woman at the party were giving me “side-eye” and strange smiles. At the time, I thought “oh, they are jealous of me for being married to such a great guy.” Now I realize their looks probably meant “jokes how can she be married to that creep?” I feel so ashamed and hurt. We could lose our little house in this lawsuit. Since we never got his “golden parachute” because he was fired, we live on our social security. It would be very difficult for me to leave him now. I will be getting a large inheritance from my mother when she dies, but I feel awful thinking my beloved mom must die in order for me to leave my husband! I’m having terrible stomach pain and I’m sure it’s from all this stress. I’m not afraid of living alone, and I certainly don’t want a “new” man. But at night, I cry. I cry because I’m a good, loving, decent human being who feels as if she was never really loved, valued or cherished.
AmyK, I am so so sorry for the pain you're in. Your husband has made it clear to everyone (from the sounds of it) who he is and shows no signs of wanting to become someone different. That's his choice. It's time to talk about yours. Your choices seem to me to be to stay, with what you have now as your status quo (though, as you note, you might lose the house. I hope you, too, will get a good lawyer and protect what is yours). This option likely feels the least scary because it's what you already know. Or you can do the incredibly scary thing of leaving. You are in your 60s, not 102. You likely have at last a couple of decades in which you can live a fuller life. It probably sounds terrifying -- but that's only because it's unknown. Our brains always tend toward the familiar over the unfamiliar. For a start, I would urge you to get to a therapist. Someone who can help you chart a path forward that feels authentic and interesting. It will require you to stretch outside of your comfort zones. Perhaps you will nurture those perfunctory friendships into something deeper. Perhaps you will get involved with groups who share a love of the activities you do. But that's the thing, AmyK, YOU will be the one creating the life you want. And though you may have to live without the material comforts you've enjoyed, it sounds as though that's only temporary. Cherish every moment with your mother while you've got her but I have little doubt she would be delighted to know that she can leave you in a position of freedom. What's the point of money if we can't use it to make life a little easier for those we love? But I don't think you should wait for leaving to be "easier", AmyK. I think you've wanted to leave for a very very long time and there has always been a reason to just put up with things. But given that your husband seems quite comfortable letting you put up with things rather than actively trying to make amends or become a better man, well, I don't know what you're waiting for. Whatever you decide to do, AmyK, it's YOUR choice. Not mine. Not anyone else's. I only know what you've told me here and I am well aware that marriage is far more than a few sentences on a page. But I urge you to make a choice that doesn't feel safe so much as dignified, one that treats you as worthy of the love, value and cherishing that you know you deserve.
I am new here, and not even sure where to begin. I WAS dating someone 6yrs until I recently found out he had been dating two other woman also. 1 for 3yrs and one for 4. Never hardly ever did anything with me, but tons of things with them. But yet tells me he truly wants me, has cut all ties with them, but of course, we all have pretty much cut ties to him. Obviously feels awful how bad he hurt me, but yet continued to still do it. All the way up to last week, even though I considered giving him a chance, and he knew this for the last 2wks. As of tonight he has been crying saying he'll do whatever it takes to get me back, and I just truly don't think I can ever trust again. Of course I have made the mistake of reaching out to friends and as we know, that never helps matters. Confused.....
Confused, I don't think you're confused at all. I think you know exactly who this man is. He has SHOWN you who he is. You just wish he was someone else and wishing is a powerful thing. It's a tricky thing. It can convince us to ignore what we KNOW and instead follow what we WISH. Reaching out to your friend wasn't a mistake at all. I hope those friends told you that are worth so much more than you realize, that this man doesn't deserve a second chance (you gave him SIX YEARS already), that you will be just fine. You will be better than fine but first...you need to leave this guy in the rear-view mirror.
Hallo to everyone, I am writing from Italy, and I am very happy to have found this blog becouse I could find nothing of the sort in italian. I have a question for Elle, and for all the betrayed women that have stayed, and are some years from the D days: is there anyone that has reconciliated after living apart, and how did they manage it? In June 2020 I have found out that my much loved husband of 23 years was cheating on me, with a co-worker that was working with me also, we work in the same place. It has been a sickening experience, he had been having this affair with her for the last 10 years. It was devastating, like the world turning upside down, he was the honest, hard working, true love of mine, and I was the love of his life, he continued to repeat even when discovered. I was in shock, as you all know too well. We had at the time one 15 year old girl and a 21 year old boy, I sent him with them on the programmed family holiday to Venice, and I took time for my self and went walking on my own on the Santiago pilgrim route in Spain. It took me 10 days and 220 km walking, crying, praying to come back with the resolution that I did not want to change in a bitter woman, that I wanted to protect my ability to love and have faith in people, but I felt such rage and pain at the time (and today still) that I could not figure how I could keep this man near me, in my bed. So I told him I could no longer live with him, even if I could not decide right then to leave him or that our marriage was ended. I proposed we take turns in being with our grown up children, one week each in our family home, and the other week we alternately live in a family holiday house we own, so the children stay all the time in the same place and we shift. It has been a year and a half since my Santiago walk and resolution, he has left the other woman straight away, not without a tail of her desperate messages and him feeling he should respond, that was terrible for me and hat pushed me to say we were ended as a couple, I told him we were separated, he was free and I was free, and did not want to talk to him if not about the children. Since then the OW has disappeared, after 6 months from D day he started therapy, he has been present with the children, and trying to make things better . It is a year now that we live separately, keeping money in common, taking turns in the family house, washing each others clothes along with the children’s, being polite to each other. I am in therapy, talk with good friends, go running , have my faith and a good priest I talk to, I journal daily and have a job I love... But I really feel stuck now after a year and a half . Should I ask him what are his intentions and what he is doing with his sentimental life? To have free access to his phone and mail… means commitment on my behalf that I don’t think I am ready to give. I feel in my gut that he is not a worthy man, he is very broken: he wants to love me and really believes when he says me and the children are all his life, but I feel he is not capable of doing what he says. Is it just becouse I have seen it happen once? I immagine that if someone cheats once, it is a mistake, but it is not something that changes who you are. But cheating for 10 years, 10 years of lies...does change you and make you a different person. So... should I stay or shoul I go? What is it that made you stay? How did you decide that, and how did you overcome the clench in the stomach I feel every time he gets near me and shows affection... I always feel I have to stay guarded, never relax... the triggers you get when you remember things... how do you manage trusting to sleep in the same bed with him... Has anybody experienced reconciliation after living apart? and how did you manage? Thank you, I'm sorry for the long post, I wanted to draw the picture for you...Thank you for reading
Anonymous, We all want clarity. We want guarantees. We want to now that whatever decision we make – stay or go – it is the RIGHT decision. That we will not have regrets. But...none of us can give you that. All any of us can do is make the best choice we can with what we know. An waiting -- resting and waiting -- is a choice too. If you aren't sure what choice to make, then it's perfectly reasonable to wait. Especially in the wake of the trauma that is betrayal. We need time to get our feet beneath us again. You ask what made me stay. Like yours my husband cheated over many years. I stayed because I took some time to wait and in that waiting, I noticed how hard my husband was working, how much he was changing and I loved and respected that about him. I stayed because I came to understand what he got out of cheating on me, how damaging it was to him (as well as our family), and how broken he was. Even if I left, he told me, he was sick of who he was and so he was going to become a man who deserved me, even if he lost me. So I stayed. And I haven't regretted staying. But...who knows? There is no right/wrong, there is only what feels right for you.
Giulia Hallo to everyone, I am writing from Italy, and I am very happy to have found this blog becouse I could find nothing of the sort in italian. I have a question for Elle, and for all the betrayed women that have stayed, and are some years from the D days: is there anyone that has reconciliated after living apart, and how did they manage it? In June 2020 I have found out that my much loved husband of 23 years was cheating on me, with a co-worker that was working with me also, we work in the same place. It has been a sickening experience, he had been having this affair with her for the last 10 years. It was devastating, like the world turning upside down, he was the honest, hard working, true love of mine, and I was the love of his life, he continued to repeat even when discovered. I was in shock, as you all know too well. We had at the time one 15 year old girl and a 21 year old boy, I sent him with them on the programmed family holiday, and I took time for my self and went walking on my own on the Santiago pilgrim route in Spain. It took me 10 days and 220 km walking, crying, praying to come back with the resolution that I did not want to change in a bitter woman, that I wanted to protect my ability to love and have faith in people, but I felt such rage and pain at the time (and today still) that I could not figure how I could keep this man near me, in my bed. So I told him I could no longer live with him, even if I could not decide right then to leave him or that our marriage was ended. I proposed we take turns in being with our grown up children, one week each in our family home, and the other week we alternately live in a family holiday house we own, so the children stay all the time in the same place and we shift. It has been a year and a half since my Santiago walk and resolution, he has left the other woman straight away, not without a tail of her desperate messages and him feeling he should respond, that was terrible for me and that pushed me to say we were ended as a couple, I told him we were separated, he was free and I was free, and did not want to talk to him if not about the children. Since then the OW has disappeared, after 6 months from D day he started therapy, he has been present with the children, and trying to make things better . It is a year now that we live separately, keeping money in common, taking turns in the family house, washing each others clothes along with the children’s, being polite to each other. I am in therapy, talk with good friends, go running , have my faith and a good priest I talk to, I journal daily and have a job I love... But I don’t feel interest in other men, I still love him even if I cant live with him, I really feel stuck now after a year and a half . Should I ask him what are his intentions and what he is doing with his sentimental life? To have free access to his phone and mail… means commitment on my behalf that I don’t think I am ready to give. I feel in my gut that he is not a worthy man, he is very broken: he wants to love me and really believes when he says me and the children are all his life, but I feel he is not capable of doing what he says. Is it just becouse I have seen it happen once? I immagine that if someone cheats once, it is a mistake, but it is not something that changes who you are. But cheating for 10 years, 10 years of lies...does change you and make you a different person. So... should I stay or shoul I go? What is it that made you stay? How did you decide that, and how did you overcome the clench in the stomach I feel every time he gets near me and shows affection... I always feel I have to stay guarded, never relax... the triggers you get when you remember things... how do you manage trusting to sleep in the same bed with him... Has anybody experienced reconciliation after living apart? and how did you manage? Thank you, I'm sorry for the long post, I wanted to draw the picture for you...Thank you for reading
Hello Giulia. Unfortunately , you are the only one who can make this decision. The average time to start healing is 3-5yrs. And it is different for everyone. Have you tried couples counseling? Or mediation? Either way, It sounds like it is time to have a serious talk. Trust your self. Take care of you and your kids. Hugs. You sound more put togeather than I, right now. Good luck.
Giulia, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Long term affairs are very challenging, and I believe you are correct when you say they change who you are. All the lies and deceit to keep them going has got to impact one's character significantly. My husband carried on a 16 year affair with a woman in another country when he worked abroad. She was nearly 20 years younger. When he turned 65 he said he would semi-retire and would spend 3 months at home alternating with 3 months working. Only he wasn't 'working', he was setting up his mistress in a business and living with her in her country. He told her the same lie for his 3 month absences. It has been 6 1/2 years since the first D-day, 4 1/2 years since he last contacted the mistress and 2 1/2 years since the last D-day when I discovered Facebook photos over many, many years of his other life with this woman. Heartbreaking! I stayed for a number of reasons. We are in our 70s now. We have 3 wonderful children (who know nothing of their father's betrayal), and 7 beautiful grandchildren. Four members of our family have serious health issues. I wanted our financial resources to go to them when we're gone, not the other woman. My husband had some significant health issues when he came home for good. We have been married 53 years. As for coming back together again, it has been one day at a time. The old marriage is finished. I don't feel the same about my husband anymore. I resent being burdened with this horrendous secret. However, he has changed significantly. He is much kinder, respectful, affectionate and tells me every day how much he loves me. I expect nothing less and he is well aware this is his only chance. I am quite capable of living just as easily without him. I have changed significantly as well. There isn't a day I don't think about the affair, but like you I do not want to end up bitter so I fight through the sadness, the triggers, the losses. I have found enormous comfort from Elle and the amazing women here. You will find much wisdom here that might help you on your journey. But I think, as 'just me' pointed out, it is early days still in your healing journey. You sound like an amazing lady, you are doing all the right things. Keep your heart open. You are a woman of faith and scripture tells us nothing is impossible with God. Hugs.
Jenna thank you. it is so conforting to have an answer here, I feel there are people that really know my pain. I am sorry for your story, but you give me faith. It is so good to have other women that are furter ahead in this journey.
Just me, thank you for your answer,"trust yourself" struck a chord with me. I have another question: if it is his choice, his problems that have casued the cheating and the pain, how can mediation and couples counselling solve it? Is it not sharing responsability for something that is not ours? I am doing my own therapy to support me trough this mess, and of course I have made mistakes in our marriage, and have issues too... but I do not feel there is trust and safe space for me to get out my issues whith a man that betrayed my faith so badly. I do not feel put together... I am just very rational and I spend a long time thinking over things... hugs to you
A really good couples counselor is their to help communication be open and honest. they do not choose sides, they do not let feelings get run over or ignored. But they are few and far between. Be carefull of the sex addict industry, it is not what it seems. A few new resources I have found that have really helped in the past 2 months are, yourstoryissafehere.com chumplady.com or BTR.org . As for rational, I have discovered CPTSD is a lot of things. Rational is not one of them.
Guila, Meditation isn't for the both of you, it is for you (though it will likely help you in all your interpersonal relationships). As for counselling, he should absolutely be in counselling himself in order to get clear on why he risked the love of his life for a woman he could drop in a moment. He needs to figure himself out. I wouldn't do couples counselling until he has had some time in personal counselling to bring some insight into couples counselling. And please know, while we ALL make mistakes in our marriage, we are NEVER responsible for a partners' choice to cheat. Never.
This blog is amazing.thankbyou so much Elle and all the other club members who don't want to be here. I was having such a dark day today and feeling so alone and I stumbled across this and as awful as it is reading everyone's pain, it has helped me feel less alone. My story: on Xmas Eve just past my husband was visiting a long term friend for morning tea and to exchange presents. I knew her long before he did but they had been working together on and off for a few years and had built up a friendship. I saw from several years ago that she was infatuated with him, laughed loudest at his jokes, looked longer at him etc but trusted him implicitly and felt sorry for her really. This year we will have been together 40 years and married for 35 and whilst he could have been a more attentive father and more supportive of me - always too preoccupied with work and his own interests (common story it seems) we had a pretty good marriage and, in fact, due to COVID and working from home, we're spending and enjoying more time together than we had for some time, especially as our 24 and 21 years old children, both with mental health issues, were becoming more independent.
Anyway, I had felt a bit iffy about the friendship for sometime but didn't want to be the jealous wife as I had no reason not to trust him. But then, a few weeks before Christmas, when he said he'd been invited for morning tea on Xmas Eve (she never included me in her invites), I asked him what he'd bought her and he said "earrings". That raised a red flag as previously he'd only got her a bottle of wine or a nice tea. I didn't say anything but thought "hmmm". Then, also a few weeks before Xmas, he had a work social gathering at home. She was the first to turn up and the last to leave. For some (intuitive in hindsight) reason I had this photographic memory of her when she arrived and said hello. She looked uncomfortable/nervous. She was a nervy sought of person so I didn't think too much of it, but something niggled and the image stuck
Roll on Xmas Eve and off he goes to morning tea. We had Ben busy preparing the house for Xmas day and he still had to mow the lawn. Morning tea was at 10, hadn't seen or heard from him by after 12, so rang, no answer. More than two hours for morning tea seemed excessive and I jokingly thought "they're probably bonking each other" OR he's left and is elsewhere organising something for me for Xmas. Another hour passed. I rang again. He answered "just leaving now" but he sounded strange and, again, trusting me, thought I wonder if she a problem he had to deal with, but at the same the red flag was waving more vigorously. Which is why, when he eventually returned, 3 hours later, and hastily began mowing before our first visitor arrived, I went to his phone, still thinking I was being paranoid and jealous and would feel foolish but no. There were the messages. They'd been having a full on emotional affair for seven weeks and for a few years before that, it had been pretty borderline for a married man (she is not currently married).
During the seven weeks our daughter had overdosed in another city and whilst I headed off by myself to the hospital, he stayed at home and messaged HER for comfort. Matching days and times later I now realised why he had been so cold when I had rung during my drive: " why are you ringing, aren't you driving?". Hands free car calls were not unusual between us but obviously this time, whilst I was seeking comfort, he was deriving it elsewhere. I do believe it was never physical as the text messages, whilst sickeningly lovey dovey in places, never suggested physical longing etc. It was more like reading a first love convo between two 12 year olds! So Xmas was not fun (understatement) but we have been talking and talking and I believe and understand when he says he doesn't know what happened but was seduced by the unflappibg admiration and the dopamine rush of his responses. His remorse and pain at returning to reality has been intense and he ended the 'friendship' the day after Boxing Day. I took a screenshot of another post today which talked about how ironic it is that these men can feel so liberated after ending an affair and become so honest and emotional whilst leaving us "curled in a foetal position on the floor". That's where we are at now and he is promising and actively becoming the attentive husband he never has been, but, why,oh why, did this have to happen first??? I know, compared too many others that my experience is more minimal -seven weeks and no physical affair - but the betrayal and the massive shake up of a life I thought I had known is excruciating. I can't imagine how long this is, but writing it has been cathartic - thank you.
Well well well. Where to start my story. I heard my husband on his phone in his garage one night around 10pm. Not the normal. When he came out of the garage I asked him who he was talking to. He said his son. I asked him if I could see his phone and he handed it to me. The last call was to me not his son. So I asked to see his other phone. He freaked out and said no. I told him we needed to talk. We sat at separate ends if the sofa and I asked him over and over what was going on. Finally he said I have been seeing someone. I asked if he was in love with her and he said yes. I asked if she loved him and he said she says she does and I think we have a future together. That was the beginning of a life for almost a year if pure hell.
Been married for 23 years, going on 24. Found out my husband had an affair back in 2010/2011. The affair lasted for 3 years. How I found out? For the past 7 years, my husband has "mentioned" this woman who helped him with insurance. He would always say, "my friend...said I should do this with our insurance..." So I did not think anything of it because that would be the extent of the conversation. Well, this all came to a head back in October 2021.
While we were on family vacation, I noticed that he sent some pictures of himself and our sons to someone via text. Interestingly enough, I was not in the picture. When I confronted him about it, he was like, "oh, its the insurance lady...she means nothing to me...you're the one I want, I'm in love with you and I love you...you have nothing to worry about." Then he asks, "tell me what I need to do to make it right" So I told him to make sure that if she contacts him again to let me know. So of course he says, no problem. Well, guess what. She contacted him and invited him to a "Bible Study". Not only did she invite him to a bible study, she came up to his job to drop off the book they were going to be reading". So I found out and I asked him about why he did not tell me. He says, "oh...I did not think about it". So I asked him well, how come she invited you to the Bible study and did not extend the invitation to me. I told him that I would like to attend the Bible study as well and I think we should attend as a couple.
At first he was hesitant and said, let me think about it. So the next day, apparently he reached out to her and told her how I was feeling. She asked him if it was ok to contact me to invite me to the Bible study. He agreed.
So she calls me, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "oh I am a born again christian and I want to apologize for having a relationship with your husband...so do you want to come to my Bible study?" I felt so stupid! Basically, I have been deceived for the past decade or so. I keep reminding myself that it is not my fault and I am not crazy! and it takes a twisted individual to be able to keep up such a lie for so long.
Hello ladies. I am so glad I found you all because reading through your stories and different experiences of healing has helped me so, so much. Thank you x
Here’s a brief background to my situation.
Husband and I have been together for 22 years. Married for 12. No children by choice. The affair came out last year in 2021. Currently together and going to couples therapy.
It’s coming up to the first D-Day anniversary. But I have 3/4 of them. They are:
1.Husband out of the blue saying he’s unhappy and needs space to think about our future. But there is nobody else. I’m devastated. I was happy and loved him very much.
2.Four weeks later, after digging, I discover an ‘emotional affair’ with a co-worker. He loves her but claims that nothing has happened.
3.Less than a week later and after more digging from me the true details come out. It’s a full blown sexual affair that has been going on for five and a half years. He was planning on leaving me but was always very torn in his decision. I'm shattered into a million pieces.
4. Four months later, after nursing him through a mental breakdown and starting on the road to recovery for both of us and for our marriage, I had to hear from ‘her’ that he had continued to see her throughout the summer. She was incredibly cruel to me during this conversation.
So all 4 dates hold deep pain for me. Plus for a bonus there is the anniversary of his "stress induced psychosis", where I invited the other woman into my house so we could help track him down (calling police, coast guard etc.) because I didn't know where he was but I KNEW something was wrong with him and thought he was going to kill himself. His elderly mother was with him and wouldn’t give me any details of where they were but he came close to killing them both because he thought assassins were after him (working for me!!!) and wanted to go on his own terms and not leave his mother behind. The mind is a strange thing. The next day his mother finally called the ambulance and he went to hospital. So that date is squashed in between D-Day 3 and 4 just for extra pain.
For a karma bonus the other woman crashed her car stinking drunk on D-Day 4, whilst on her way over to confront me at my disabled father’s house, who I was looking after at the time. Nobody was hurt, thank goodness. This was after telling me on the phone how much she hated me and that she didn’t give a fuck about my feelings. Cost her >10k in car repairs and solicitor fees. Plus she lost her license for 20 months. She’s a real peach. I know there is danger in hanging on to hate but I really can’t get past it with her. I despise her. But I hope I can let that go one day.
2021 for me was truly the worst year of my life. I feel like I have made progress since and I believe that the changes in me can be for the better. Yet, I still mourn the love I used to have for my husband. I will never feel that way about him again and I find that so incredibly sad.
Not sure where to start. I've never written my story down on any website or anywhere before, but I've felt compelled to for a long time and I've felt that, even though it may dig some of it up for me in doing so, it will probably actually help with gaining the next stage of closure for me. And I feel very strongly that if I can help anyone, even one scared or desperate person, by sharing my story then it's worth doing.
I'm a gay man in my late thirties, and I'll have been with my boyfriend for 13 years this March. I was 25 when we met and he was just turned 23. We have lived together in a home we bought ourselves for the last 8 years. We have had a happy relationship for many years, obviously with its ups and downs like everyone's, but people have said to us for years how suited we are together, how in love we seem and what a nice, happy life we seem to have together. And they were right. We really did have those things. But we love our own projects (work, education, personal projects and hobbies) and I think we took too much from the relationship in the last few years without putting enough effort in. We both thought we were so strong as a couple that our relationship would just tick by without putting in effort. We were wrong.
So I found out 19 months ago, in July 2020, that he had cheated on me the summer before, with his gay male colleague, twice. His company had organised a work trip to visit a European city in May 2019, and him and his colleague, N, were to be sharing a room. N was not 'out' at work at the time, even though it was very obvious to me (the couple of times I'd met him) and my boyfriend that he was likely gay. N is a really closed-book kind of guy: even his own work friends at their small company describe him as having a 'permanent poker face', and that 'he never answers questions naturally, always tries to portray an image of himself, telling you what he seems to think you want to hear, and you never really know the real N'. He's a pretty good-looking guy and I was concerned about them having to share a room together. I told my boyfriend I wasn't happy about it at all. The thing is, on this work trip abroad, everyone in the company was having to share a room, in order for them to be able to stay in this grand palace place as part of the trip (which was part of the reason for going, because of the kind of work they are in). They lumped my boyfriend and N in a room together because they were the only two guys working at their small company of about 12 people, other than the boss in his late 60s and another guy in his 50s. They felt my boyfriend and N were an obvious choice to share.
My boyfriend and I were going through a difficult, strained time in 2019. I was in the final stages of a 3-year huge personal project, one that had admittedly taken over my life enormously, and, in turn, my boyfriend's also very much so, if I'm honest. When that project began to reach its final stages in early 2019, I became severely depressed for a few months. I've always struggled a bit with stress and anxiety and occasional low moods, which I keep at bay by meditating, but this was heavy. I felt myself withdrawing from the relationship, my sex drive literally vanished (I was so anxious that I became almost afraid of my boyfriend trying to touch or kiss me when we went to bed at night), and I just became consumed by my depression and anxiety for a couple of months that I guess I started unintentionally withholding my love for him. We 'celebrated' our 10th anniversary that March, but it felt very flat and a bit hollow, considering it was a milestone I'd looked forward to reaching for years and celebrating with him like all of our previous romantic weekends and dinners for our past anniversaries.
I managed to pull myself out of the worst of my depression after a month or two, but I reached a stage where I just felt like I was coping, but that was it. I was existing, but I wasn't happy and I was still anxious about every element of my life. But I was functioning.
The night before their company trip to the European city, me and my boyfriend were having dinner and, out of nowhere, I gave him a warning. I told him that I know that there is a big social drinking culture at his company and that I know how accidents happen when two people are sharing a room together. He was shocked at what I was saying, and told me not to be ridiculous, brushing it aside, saying that nothing would ever happen between them. I told him that if something happened between them, and his colleagues (whom I've known for years, with him working there for nearly a decade) found out that he'd cheated on me on their work trip, that I would never be able to live with the shame of that, and I know that he (my boyfriend) would never leave his job for me. I know that sounds like a bold statement, but my boyfriend is IN LOVE with his job. It's a specialist, niche career that he has worked and studied for years to get into, and most of our friends say that there is no one we know that loves their job as much as him. He adores his work. And I knew that he would never leave the company he is working his way up in, and being promised to become a partner in soon. My boyfriend and I have had a deal that if ever we slip up (which, very occasionally, each of us has in previous years, in minor ways on drunken nights out) then we tell the other immediately what has happened and apologise for being so stupid. It's never been the end of the world the three or four times it's happened in the previous decade. We're gay gays who like to have fun nights out and are realistic that when alcohol is involved, minor relationship accidents sometimes happen. But that was our deal- when it has occasionally happened we tell the other straight away, we discuss it and we put it behind us. We are monogamous, despite these occasional snogs and fumbles that have taken place three or four times since getting together.
Anyway, my boyfriend returned from the 3-day work trip and acted totally normal. We even had sex after he returned. It was nice. But things stayed a bit distant between us throughout that summer until we were on holiday in Greece that summer and on the first night (after a day of me being quite anxious and probably a bit miserable) he said to me that the week's holiday was 'make or break' to him, and that I really needed to sort myself out mentally and be more positive and loving, or else he could actually see us breaking up. He said to me (for the first time ever) that he wondered if we met too young. I was very shaken up and took this warning very seriously, although I was really concerned about his random comment about us maybe having met each other too young. I asked him what he meant by it and he said 'nothing, it's just how I've felt sometimes lately'. We bonded the whole rest of the holiday and it actually ended up being really romantic and amazing. I used his holiday warning to me as a wake-up call, and worked on meditating more, sorting out my anxiety and self esteem issues, being more positive and arranging more date nights for us. My sexual anxiety improved a lot as my mental health got better, although things between us still felt distant. By late August, my 3-year personal project was finally reaching its finish, and, after spending most weekends together with each of our families that August at parents' birthdays and sibling engagement parties, we each went away separately with friends for the last long weekend of the summer. I went away with some of our best friends to a festival, and he went with three work friends to a different city festival event. He was to be sharing a room with N again, which I was not happy about and told him so.
I said it seemed an unnecessary risk when he'd got through the last trip away sharing with him with nothing happening. He told me not to be silly and that nothing would happen.
The months rolled by, and with my mammoth personal project completed, we started to reconnect much more as a couple, just as I had hoped we would when it was all over and no longer taking over our lives. I'd had to hang out with N about four or five times when he and a couple of other friends from my boyfriend's work would come on evenings out to comedy nights and concerts with us that autumn and spring. They were all fun occasions. N never seemed 'real', always like he was putting on a persona a bit, but that's just how he is, and he clearly seemed quite insecure and like he probably had a few issues. My boyfriend had always described him like that to me over the years also. Anyway, by April 2020, I sensed a distance between me and my boyfriend. It was like we'd reconnected in recent months like how I'd wanted us to, but that there was some distance between us that I couldn't put my finger on. One Saturday morning in bed, near the start of the pandemic, I asked him a question. 'Am I enough for you?' He was shocked at my question and said of course I am. I told him that I'd loved us reconnecting but that I sensed a distance between us and that I really wanted to fix that. I said let's put everything out on the table if we're going to truly reconnect after a few strained years. 'Have you ever cheated on me?' I asked. Maybe when you were living in that different city in our first couple of years while you were still studying?' No. 'Or the years we lived in shared houses with friends before moving in together?' No. 'What about on those trips away, sharing a room with N?' No, of course not. He promised me he had never cheated on me but, knowing him for 11 years by this point, I could sense his body language was telling me otherwise. I left the long conversation feeling unsatisfied, a bit unsettled. And I decided that I would try and (for the first time ever in our relationship) look at his phone to see if that would settle my niggling feelings.
I forgot about it and then in July 2020, I checked his phone one Sunday morning when he had left it on the bedside table while having a shower. I found no hook-up apps, but I looked at his WhatsApp conversations with N. There weren't many messages, most were about work or what time to meet other for drinks etc. But I found four messages between them after their August trip away with friends. One was my boyfriend saying that they needed to talk about 'stuff' to clear the air the day after the trip. They had arranged to have a drink after work a few days later, to talk about things and avoid any awkwardness between them going forward. Then a message on the way home by my boyfriend telling N that he didn't want him to feel bad for causing what happened between them. He said that what went on on the first work trip had been 'really very hot' for him. And then said how he valued him as a friend and that he doesn't have many gay friends and wanted to keep their friendship. N replied saying it 'has all been wonderful' for him too and that it was nice that he had a friend whom he could moan about his crap love life to.
I was devastated. My heart stopped. Time stopped. I knew we had overstretched ourselves as a couple in recent years, with hectic jobs, personal projects and hobbies taking over too much, and not spending enough quality time together. But I'd hoped that we'd got through those strained few years relatively unscathed. He got out the shower and I told him that he'd lied to me, about N. He broke down and told me that they'd sat, very drunk, in the same bed to watch an episode of Drag Race on their iPad at the end of their final night there.
My boyfriend began to start falling asleep (as he always does) and while he was feeling drowsy, N touched his foot against his. My boyfriend thought it was an accident, so pulled his foot away. A few seconds later, N put his hand on my boyfriend's thigh. And he said at that point, he knew what he wanted. They didn't have sex, but they did other stuff, for 10 or 15 mins. Then went to sleep. In the morning, he told N that he'd never cheated on me before. N said, 'Sorry, I didn't think'. My boyfriend said it can't happen again. N said to him, 'these things happen at the time; it's really no big deal'. N gave my boyfriend a hug and asked him if he was okay. N is single and probably has a lot of one night stands, so my boyfriend said it didn't seem like much of a big deal to him. But my boyfriend was in shock all day, and actually throughout all the subsequent weeks. He says that he 'felt alive' though, for the first time in a long while, and like he wasn't unattractive and 'the sensible, boring person' that he said people often think he is. The whole thing seemed unreal, he said, as if he'd dreamt it. He said that although N wasn't his 'type' (he likes more rugged guys like me), he'd always thought of N as being 'a better version' of himself since he started at his company a few years after him. He said that everyone was wowed by him and thought he was so good looking, and my boyfriend felt he had a better CV than him, better degrees, better skills at work (he doesn't - only in certain areas), taller than him, more athletic than him. And although he didn't fancy him, per se, he says he was 'intrigued' by him. Another major thing is that my boyfriend hardly had any sexual partners before he met me, as he came out a bit later than I did and had never had a relationship before me (I had had one boyfriend before him and quite a lot more sexual experience). My boyfriend said that this difference in experience had seemed exciting to him when he met me, and felt I was more worldly etc. But that as the years had gone by, he almost felt a bit resentful about this imbalance. And had become intrigued by the 'free and single lifestyle' that his colleague N probably had. My boyfriend said he was so shocked and flattered that N - someone he looked up to and thought was a 'much better version of himself' was coming on to him, when my boyfriend said that he considered himself to be ugly, unattractive and weird-looking (he isn't at all, but I found it really sad that he thinks of himself like that).
Throughout the summer, they never spoke about what had happened on that drunken final night of that trip, but N started flirting with him occasionally at after work drinks with the young crowd from their company. (It only happened twice throughout the summer but my boyfriend saw him looking over at him suggestively when someone in the group was talking about sex on a couple of occcasions). He says that he felt like N wanted to sleep with him again, and it made him feel attractive again, a bit risky, alive and adventurous. Sadly, they ended up sleeping together once more (again, no sex, just other stuff, for 10-15 mins) on the final night of their trip to their city festival break with work friends that August. N had been in a weird, slightly down mood all weekend apparently, as the man he was pursuing (who was in a relationship and said he was going to leave his partner for him, but when N had visited him the week before he had told N he couldn't see him anymore). (FFS - what is it with people and their shoddy morals infringing on others' relationships!!!?!!!) Anyway, it had been a quick thing again on the last night of the trip. They admitted that they'd both wanted it to happen again, and my boyfriend had said to N, 'This has to be the last time though'. They returned to their own single beds opposite each other afterwards.
My boyfriend woke up in the morning and just started crying. N awkwardly said to him, 'I sense you're a bit upset this morning', to which my boyfriend tearfully replied, 'Yeah, no fucking shit!' and said that he couldn't believe he'd done this to me again, and that they have to talk about this when they got home, understand what the fuck was happening and why, and make sure it never happens again.
They did meet up a few days later after work, had a few drinks, reluctantly talked about what had happened between them (they both HATE talking about their feelings - N even more so than my boyfriend, who struggles with it a lot himself). My boyfriend said he cried. N said he felt terrible about it, but said that these things happen all the time. N said that my boyfriend didn't need to tell me. (My boyfriend's not saying this as a cop-out; he takes FULL responsibility since D-Day for not having the guts to tell me). N said he had always thought we seemed like a great couple; one that seem closer and happier than all of N's other gay male couple friends. He said he wished he could find a relationship like ours. (Obviously, this all seems so fucked up now when I think of how he admired us as a couple, envied what we have, and then tried to sabotage it.) After the drunken two texts that were exchanged on the way home from what had apparently been a very tearful (on my boyfriend's part), sombre evening of regret, it was never spoken about again between them. Not once. They did what they both do best and buried their feelings, and just pretended it had never happened. I was so upset for a long time about those two texts between them, but my boyfriend explained that not one single positive thing was said that evening in the pub about their experiences. He wanted to know why N had come onto him. N wouldn't say, but he awkwardly muttered, 'well, you're a very attractive man' to my boyfriend. It does feel like the texts saying how hot it had been undermine all of the sad, regret-filled talk that happened that evening, that I wasn't witness to.
I was very hurt by the sexual activity, but I was SO hurt by the friendship that I feel that they 'gifted' themselves with following their fling/brief affair/bit of fun/whatever the fuck it was. I was also hurt by the covering up of it by my boyfriend and livid that he let someone OUTSIDE of our relationship influence his commitment to honouring our honesty agreement (even though that was solely his choice, not N's, to not tell me). I felt like a fool. I felt like our relationship had become a sham. I couldn't believe how far we had fallen, after so many incredible years of creating loving memories together. I told him we were separating, on a break, with immediate effect. He texted N and told him that I'd found out, then two days later they were in the office together and my boyfriend couldn't bear the awkwardness and messaged N to say that they needed to talk outside, after work, and discuss how to immediately end their friendship amicably and continue working together at their company whilst being respectful to me. They talked for 30 mins, then never spoke again. N is so awkward that he can only really talk to people once he's had a drink, even with his friends at work. So, no one at work has actually noticed that they don't talk anymore, as N was so odd, awkward and quiet during working hours in the office, and their friendship solely existed at after work drinks or on their work friends' WhatsApp group (N can only communicate in memes and GIFs when not drunk). My boyfriend obviously left the work friends' WhatsApp group where he and the other three had posted so often and interacted since that first, fateful work trip away the previous May. The two women also on that WhatsApp group who were in the inner-clique with N were informed of what had happened, to which they were in total shock. They both thought it unbelievable.
One of them said to me, 'We didn't even think the two of them liked each other that much. To be honest, they always seemed in competition with each other in terms of their careers!?'
After a few days apart, my partner and I went through a period of hysterical bonding, something I never even knew was a 'thing' before going through this. But we also spent plenty of time apart, staying with close friends who knew the situation, or with family. For the next six months, the time we spent together was either amazing and romantic and happy and amazing, or screaming rows- where I would cry and wail and ask how he 'could do this to me'. It was fucking tough. You all know what I'm talking about. But the highs were good. We did really rediscover our love for each other though. It was unexpected, but amazing. Not just the sex, which was great and exciting again, but our connection. We started appreciating each other again, in a way that neither of us felt like we had in a few years. We saw that we had taken each other for granted and taken our relationship for granted. We started texting each other throughout the day again, when we were apart, which we didn't do as much of in recent years. We're both huge music fans, and we started making each other playlists every few months. Just like we did in the early days of our relationship. We each bonded over music we were help[ing the other one to discover- sometimes obscure songs evoking our love or our situation, and sometimes just stuff we liked that we wanted the other to appreciate or hear. It felt like we were on the same team again, even if we maybe hadn't for a while the previous year. We were really connecting again.
Towards the end of 2020, I was really struggling, with intrusive thoughts of them together on those two occasions, hating N, or feeling constantly triggered and reminded of it all by them working together. They are the same grade at their workplace, so they never work on any of the same projects, thank God. But knowing that they still worked at the same small company was SO difficult. Losing so much of life's enjoyments, having cabin fever, and isolation from friends and family because we were in the middle of a global pandemic was a HUGE strain on us, on top of everything else. I wrote a letter to N, as part of a personal exercise my counsellor suggested, but was told I by no means had to give it to him. By mid-Dec, they were only going into the office one day a week (separate days) and I really felt like I wanted to confront N and give him my letter, which I think summed up perfectly how I felt and how disappointed I was in him for infringing on our relationship, despite having met me a couple of times and him 'respecting us' as a couple. I told him that relationships are hard enough without people like him testing other people's relationships during their most strained period, or something like that. My boyfriend put it on his desk, and then on their last day at work when some of the team had a socially-distanced drink in the office, my boyfriend asked him if he'd read my letter. N said no. He said he 'has too much other shit going on in his life at the moment' and 'can't handle that', so 'put it in a drawer'. He said he wouldn't blame me for writing awful things about him in the letter (which I hadn't. Well, only in subtle digs...It was a damned good letter!) And said he felt terrible about the whole thing, then they walked away from each other. That was the only time they have spoken since July 2020. All the good feelings I had about confronting him with my letter vanished when I knew that he hadn't read it. Of course, there's a chance that he did, but I doubt it, as he avoids confronting most aspects of his life. Him putting it in a locked drawer for now really is a metaphor for that guy's bloody life and deep, underlying issues!
My boyfriend and I were both put on Citalopram antidepressants in early 2021, and we stayed on them for a few months, but they just killed the connection between us really, and made it hard to have a sex life (something that had been so revived and given us lot of hope and 'aliveness' since D-Day). I got signed off work with major stress in March, for a few weeks. I was really struggling to accept that it had happened to us, and that our lives would never be the same again. That we couldn't just go back to who we used to be, and that we'd maybe lost respect in our friends' and families' eyes, as a couple. Like our stock value as a couple was much lower now. Friends said, 'Some friends said, God, if this can happen to you two, what hope is there for the rest of us?' And the thing is, I felt the same. But I now realise that we were not more special and uniquely amazing that any other couple. We're just another couple, muddling through life, like everyone else. That doesn't mean we're not a good couple. It just means that we're human and not exceptional, and now that I have finally accepted that I have more peace.
By autumn 2021, I was still struggling enormously, and, after I lost my whole team of friends at work (they left during the pandemic), got an awful new boss, and my workload went through the roof to cover all the empty positions in my team, I basically had a mental breakdown in late September. I developed involuntary muscle spasms- mostly in my head and neck, but they happened all over my body at times. I had to be taken to hospital and fully checked out. The spasms only came on when I struggled with difficult or traumatic thoughts (which tbh was quite often), but I could no longer hide that I was struggling mentally from people. I trialled going back to work in mid-November but it was just awful and I was nowhere near ready. I got signed off again after a few days and went to a really dark place. I was having big panic attacks and my muscle spasms twitch things were through the roof. My boyfriend found a new job. I said I would give it a year and see how I felt about them still working at the same company, and I gave it a bit longer than that, but just knew I couldn't live with it long term and that he had to leave or I would. My boyfriend cried for an evening (which is rare), had an 'emotional' individual counselling session that following day apparently, and then he was fine. He had accepted that he needed to leave the job he so loves in order to save us, and that even if things were to not work out between us (which he would be devastated about), it would be worth the try. He is great at what he does, and had three interviews and got offered two, so took the one he really wanted. He starts in 4 weeks' time, and is nervous but excited about it. It's a HUGE step for us and our future, as I just never thought he would do that for me. He says he just needed to come to the eventual realisation in his own time about it being essential for him to leave there, in order for us to move on with our new life together.
I had a course of EMDR for my trauma, which was actually life-saving. Of course, I'd read lots of books on infidelity in the previous 18 months and had learnt so much through 12 months of my own personal counselling, and over a year of fortnightly couples counselling. My boyfriend has had about 15 months of weekly individual counselling so far.
He is still gaining so much from it- learning about himself, the shame he had about non-acceptance growing up hiding his sexuality (like so many gay people do), why he struggles to talk about his feelings and how to open up about them more without fear, why he didn't tell me, and why it happened (because he had felt dissatisfied in our relationship in the previous 1-2 years; although still close, we'd become a bit like 'roommates'; our sex life had become dull and unadventurous; I had been very preoccupied with my 3-year personal project - although that is NO excuse of course for cheating; he had had to devote a lot of time to helping me with my project in the last couple of years and he had begun to feel resentful of that and that I was taking him for granted a bit and not pulling my weight at home with the chores (I do accept that part); he had poor self esteem and thought that N had all the qualities he lacked- and because of that he says he kind of felt validated and 'honoured' by attention from N). Something that has come out of the woodwork is that, other than seeking validation, my boyfriend wanted to keep N as a friend after the affair ended (before I found out) because he has hardly any gay friends, and very few friends in his profession that share some of his interests. He felt like he would lose his job he absolutely adores if I found out, and that he could lose everything: me, our home, friends, people’s respect... He thought that if he just buried it and never mentioned it again, that he would get to keep everything in his life, despite it being selfish to me and the fact that he says he always felt guilty about it, that not a day went by when he didn't feel terrible about what he had done to me, despite not giving it any scrutiny or attention to learn valuable lessons from it (until after our D-Day).
I continued with the EMDR therapy, but because I wasn't fully satisfied with my therapist for it, and I don't earn tons of money, I decided to pay for a month of 'Virtual EMDR' - a website which does the same job. I found that just as useful and very cost effective. I would honestly recommend it to anyone suffering with trauma and intrusive thoughts, as well as any other therapy you can have to better understand your situation. I have ceased the EMDR now.
Because of experiences during my childhood which I now understand a lot more, I have suffered throughout my life with excessive rumination of negative thoughts, which is a huge reason I have struggled so much with moving on from this and not letting it consume me the past year and a half. The EMDR literally stopped the hideously traumatic mind movies of them together that I had suffered with for nearly 18 months. One of the best books I've read was The Chimp Paradox, which has helped to give me techniques of how to not entertain all of my intrusive thoughts, and just watch them pass - sometimes immediately, sometimes within a few minutes or an hour or two. But they pass and I can live with that. Before, they never passed, or would take days or weeks to get over a really traumatic thought. I became utterly obsessed with N after D-Day. I spent much of the past 18 months fixated on what he has that I don't, which is so, so painful. It's so destructive and pointless. I just couldn't help it. I would occasionally look on his Instagram, like so many of us do during our immediate recovery period, causing endless pain to myself. A lot of that was my own insecurities though. I know now that, because of my own self-esteem struggles, I had used my relationship to boost me over the last decade or so. Not knowingly, but I had been lifted by feeling like I had such a good relationship that friends of ours admired. I felt like other things in my life, like my career, could be not doing so well, but I felt I was doing my relationship right and had a healthy, happy life with my partner. And I think we did for a number of years. But the exterior of things often hides the cracks that exist internally.
I probably loved showing off the happy, healthy exterior too much, and when it all started falling apart, I fell apart.
I got put on Sertraline (Zoloft) tablets, 50mg per day, one month ago, as they help with low mood as well as OCD and trauma (one of only two SSRIs that help with trauma). That has also really helped me to stop ruminating on my negative thoughts about the affair. I won't be on them forever, but they have helped me SO much more than my experience with Citalopram last year. The other things that are really changing things this past few weeks are that I got a new job, working with my old boss I get on so well with who left my old company during the pandemic. I'm really enjoying my new place of work and being around new people and learning new things again. Some days are harder than others mentally, but I'm keeping up my mindfulness meditation and focusing on the here and now, and I'm happy with where I'm at. The other thing is that I've been doing 15 mins of 'Loving Kindness Meditation' each day. This is an old Buddhist technique which has been studied a lot in recent years by academics who have proven its power in helping people to forgive. I have found it immensely useful, honestly. I want to forgive my boyfriend, as he is so sorry, hates himself for what he did to us, and has put in so much work to address his issues and traits that caused the cheating. But, although I don't want to 'forgive' N, I also want to move on and live a happy life, free from hating and cursing him. And the Loving Kindness Meditation has really helped me to let go of my anger towards each of them for making me go through the most difficult and guttingly painful experience of my life. Neither of us think that N is deep down a nice person, but I'm aware of his limitations and personality issues (I don't think for a second, without having years of therapy, that he will ever have a relationship as good as we have. Like my boyfriend says, 'he has way too many issues'. My boyfriend says he never ever considered leaving me for N. And that the second time they got together he said it was like they both knew that they 'were not each other's main focus'. He was just there, and available, and willing. There in those moments to numb the pain of life, as so many affair partners are, and are often not much more than that. I guess through the Loving Kindness Meditation technique I have already stopped hating him and actually started pitying him. I think I've at last let go of the bitterness I felt at his 'taking' something from me that I couldn't get back, and am focusing on my relationship, and wish him well almost. I don't understand my feelings towards him, to be honest, but I'm hoping that I will feel less and less towards him, in time, anyway.
I'm not the same person I was before this pandemic. Before D-Day in July 2020, I actually contracted Covid in late that March (well, the doctors are certain it was, but there was obviously no testing even at that point) and because of my asthma I had awful breathing problems and had Long Covid for eight weeks (not that people really knew what Long Covid was then at all). It was actually a very traumatic experience in itself, and I had a few weeks of trying to get my health and mental/physical fitness back, then - BAM! - D-Day hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. No, actually, it hit me like a truck. And so, I'm so well aware that most people have had terrible experiences during this difficult pandemic, in so many different ways, but mine has been my toughest hour. I've thought of ending things a number of times, but I'm glad I've persevered and got through the worst of it. I'm now 19 months in, and I'm finding the time to write all this down at last because I've actually contracted Covid again, nearly 23 months on, and am off work, sick.
It's hit my chest again, and I feel awful, but I'm sure with being triple vaxxed and it being a milder variant that I won't have the experience I had during all of spring 2020. When I thought that was going to be the worst thing to happen to me that year... We're looking onwards and upwards now, and are both counting down the days to him starting his new job in less than 4 weeks' time. It's been a long time coming. I still have the involuntary muscle spasms occasionally, but they just flare up when I have bad days. Other than that, they are getting a lot better. We still make each other playlists every few months and we love receiving them and listening to each other's musical choices. It feels so personal that no one but us listens to them. We go on date nights out for dinner, for mini adventures around our city, or just for a midweek drink at our local pubs. Even the big fortnightly food shop at the supermarket we try to do together now, as it's us sharing our life together- the good, the bad, the mundane, and the fun and exciting.
He also proposed to me, and we're going to have a very small civil partnership ceremony in spring 2023, 14 years after we met. We've never been too fussed about marriage or a civil partnership, but it feels like a positive cementing of our new relationship - which is what I think these things need to be, going forwards. New relationships. Less innocent, less 'perfect', but hopefully more honest, loving and satisfying, in the long run. I hope that we can do the distance. Nothing is certain, but I'm hopeful that we can continue to heal our scars and find more happiness. I'm not at the point at which I would say that I'm glad we went through this. It's been so traumatic and hard, for both of us in different ways. But if we can get through the rest of this (and we've come SO far), I do think we'll be a better couple on the other side of it all. I am less selfish and help much more with cooking and housework chores, I listen to his feelings and try to make more space for him to open up to me about them, rather than just talking about my fears and thoughts, and he is becoming more honest and open - we both are. There's no other way after something like this, I think. We know each other more now, and understand and accept that there are good and bad sides to our personalities, and we are trying to be more forgiving of each other's faults. I hope that continues to happen as we experience growth and maturity out of what we have been through. It's sad how much we missed each other's needs and desires during those strained years we went through, but I'm glad we're there for each other and have fully 'woken up' to what we do have now. And I still think what we do have is pretty amazing. We just have to take care of it much more.
I'm sorry I wrote so much! We all have our own unique stories, and I honestly have found so much solace in reading other people's stories and experiences, during my good times and my worst times. Thank you for creating this website as a safe space where people can share their stories and pain to help them heal. I may not be the 'target' reader, but I have got a lot from people's advice and stories! I honestly send you all solidarity and love. Stay strong, whatever happens. I hope you all find peace x
First thank you for this site, it is so helpful to know we are not alone. I've been reading for about 2 yrs now but first time posting. About 2 years ago I found out my husband had been sexting another woman out of state. I found out from her husband. Apparently this had been going on for most of a year. Looking back during that time period, he became very mean towards me. Staying up late and being very mean so much so that I visited my first therapist due to stress and anxiety. There was one instance in which he invited her to a hotel where he was going for a work trip but to my and the other husband's knowledge they did not end up meeting in person. My husband called it off prompting the other woman to get angry and that led to discovery.
I've not been able to get over this and I'm struggling. He never even gave me time to grieve. One week after I found out he was angry with me for not wanting any physical touch from him. Also during this time, he has increased smoking pot, drinking, going out with friends, escaping pretty much. We visited a marriage counselor that only wanted to talk about improving our communication. During that time, I found he had been looking at Port sites while I was asleep, the pages were called "cheating wives" and another local to the city we live in. Why would he choose these pages??
He gaslighted me and lied to me so many times I don't know how I could ever get trust back. He tries to tell me that it wasn't cheating because it was all virtual. He tells me I should move on, get over it. All he wants to do is have sex and not meaningful conversations. He told me the reason he did it was for entertainment and no other major reason.
Meanwhile, I've been the primary caregiver to our 3 children under 8. It seems he feels he hasn't gotten enough attention since the kids came, that's when most of the problems started. He never helps with the kids. I work full time as well.
I am so unhappy, sad, depressed. I don't want to be the bad guy and split up my kids home. Does it make me selfish? Im so terrified I won't get to see my kids for days at a time when I'm with them most of their life.
He is acting a bit nicer, went to 2 therapist appts after I basically told him he had to. Meanwhile I go to therapy almost once a week and bawl my eyes out. I feel like I don't know myself anymore and I'm in such a confused fog.
WOW. First let me welcome you to the club no one wants to be in. There are a lot of resources out there. One I highly recommend is Dr. Minwalla's Whitepaper. This gent has brought a whole new way of looking at infidelity. Another is a site called your story is safe here.com. yet another is BTR.org. Please look after yourself and your children. Your safety should be paramount. And remember, you have not put your marriage at risk, your husband has. He is responsible for his actions, Not you. Your heartbreak Your Rules. You have a say in what behaviors are acceptable. You can stay, or pack-up and go. Your choice. Not his. Please stay safe and look to your own self care and your children's safety. Huggs, you got this!
Listen to the helping couples heal podcast and go to their facebook page. He is highly dysfunctional and is not in a place to give you what you need. Learn about what true healing and accountability are. Don't be afraid of moving forward to a life where you ask for what you deserve. Ok, you will be afraid--thats normal, but promise you, its worth it.
Update: Found out he has still been cheating at least for the last 10 mos, with multiple strangers online. Meeting up with them while supposedly at work and not able to help with the kids. I can't express how angry and sad I am. But I am done. And yet, it seems so unbelievably hard and scary to leave that some days I want to say I'll just stay for the kids, for my old life, it just seems easier. This is so so unbelievably hard but if I stay ill be slowly killing myself inside. Why do I feel selfish for wanting to save myself ? My kids....I'm so scared for them. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It does not sound like your husband is psychologically able to take responsibility for what he did, and is continuing to do. He sounds like a spoiled child who is acting out. You don’t need to deal with this crap. This site is wonderful for wives who are in situations where there husbands are repentant, that does not sound to be the case with your husband. You cannot change him as he has to change himself. As the other wonderful women above told you, take care of yourself, tend to your own needs, get yourself strong again. In your mind, assume that he is not coming with you. If along the way, he makes some realizations and actually wants to work on his marriage, then you can decide if you still want that. But for now, plan to go forward with you and your babies. I wish you luck but I know you can do this. It will hurt but with time, it will get better. Hugs.
I'm so thankful I found this website. I feel so alone and would love to connect w/ women who've experinced similar situations. 2019 I found out my dh was having an emotional affair with his coworker. In 2021 he finally admitted to a full blown relationship with her, moved out, and eventually asked me for a divorce. Since then he has tried to bait me , " I want to do what's right," " I want my marriage but it's hard to end it with her," etc.
My heart and mind are so messed up from his ambivalence and none of my friends understand how I feel. Why I'm not telling him to just kick dirt. He has lied and lied to me for years, and yet I still want to blame myself. My self worth , self esteem, desire to want more for myself... is all shambles. How do you do it? How do you move on?
We can file this month (4/2022) and when I asked him about talking about it he ignores me or says, " I'm not sure I'm ready for that". Why the heck not?
What he is doing is called Hoovering. Trying to suck you back into his abusive embrace. There are several resources that perhaps you may want to check out. BTR.org , yourstoryissafehere.com , lundybancroft.com , Dr.Minwallas White Paper , or, chumplady.com . You should take care of yourself first. He is a grown man who has broken your heart. YOU come first. Eat, sleep, take care of bills and maybe look into counseling for yourself. If you want to file , do so. You do not need his permission. Do what you need to feel safe. Take care, and please read the stories and info available here. These Ladies are mighty and compassionate. Take care and stay safe.
I really appreciate that there is this platform with women who seem so strong and supportive at various stages of such gut wrenching heartbreak. 5 months ago, I found out my H had a long term (full blown) affair with my younger sister for most of our marriage (albeit not consistently). I initially found sexts between them in 2018 and he promises it was not serious and would do anything to win back my trust. He said nothing physical happened and it started out with him trying to give her advice about her boy problems. I would find out years later that he lied. It was physical from early on.
We just had our first baby 10 mos ago and our 10th anniversary was this last December. I left and have been preparing to file for divorce. My H has been in pieces. Begging me for one last chance. He is in three types of therapy and uncovered he was sexually molested as from childhood until adulthood without calling it for what it was. He is blaming his lack of boundaries and that he trusted himself but was depressed and being there for her made him feel like a hero when he’d otherwise been failing at life. He says he is so remorseful, he never wanted to hurt me, he loves me, and he is sorry that it took all this suffering on my end for him to realize he has big problems. He says he is committed to doing everything to fix his issues. We both dropped 30+ pounds due to the heartbreak of it all these last months. He promises he will never contact her again—but I know so much (their texts depict everything they've done/want to do in excruciating detail) and it is so painful. Even then, I only looked through my sisters texts from 2020+--I know there is so much I still don't know. He tried giving me a timeline and said he was committed to full transparency but he can't even remember details or more than vague descriptions of things. It’s not just an affair. The OW is my sister—she admitted to me that she felt he was her soulmate married to the wrong person (wtf?). Anyways, he is begging me to have mercy and isn’t asking because he knows he has nothing to stand on, but feels if I’m inclined to give him a last chance he thinks we can come out of this better than we started. We married at 19 and had a very electric chemistry even until the week I left. I am very confused and heartbroken. No one knows what happened—especially the sister part. Everywhere online says there’s no going back and I keep coming back there too. But I also see him really trying to turn things around. Part of me wants my little family back but I know it’ll never be the same. Part of me is so angry and hates him but another misses him so badly. He has respected all my boundaries and we only engage now for my daughter. we don't see each other face to face. I recently shared the angry letters I wrote to him these months because I told him I’m filling out divorce papers so things opened up again. Part of me wants to believe him but I’m not sure anything can overcome this damage. Any advice is welcome.
I'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. What a betrayal!! By two people close to you. Here's the thing about this site: We encourage each woman to walk their own path, to figure out what feels right for them. But here's another important piece of that: You do NOT need to know right now what that path is. I think it makes complete sense for you to distance yourself while your husband sorts himself out. Childhood sexual abuse has longlasting impact and I'm glad your husband is committed to healing himself as best he can. Whatever happens re. your marriage, it's still the best thing for him as a person and as a father to get his own head on straight. In the meantime, I would urge you, too, to seek therapy to support you while you heal from such a deep betrayal. You deserve a safe space where you can process all this pain so that, whatever happens in your marriage, you two can parent from a healthy relationship. And then, keep choosing your next right step. It might be to continue to press pause. It might be to move forward with divorce. It might be to try "dating" your husband again. Whatever it is, take it and then assess. Does it feel right (or as right as anything can feel when we're shattered)? The thing with betrayal is it can take a long time to feel the ground beneath our feet so be patient with yourself. You are also a new mom, which is exhausting in itself. I hope you'll also take time to just enjoy your baby. They change so much at this age and I'm sorry that this time has been marked by such pain alongside your joy. And please know that, whatever you do, the choice is yours. Nobody gets to tell you you're right or wrong. It's your life. In my case, I wasn't sure I could stay with my hsuband but I did commit to remaining his friend as he healed from childhood issues. I wanted my children to have the healthiest father they could and I fully supported his desire to become that. You get to make your own choice. You will get through this. I know it feels like it's eclipsing everything else in your life but you are stronger than you know. But please, take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
Elle, thank you so much for your kind words. It truly has eclipsed my every day. I can't seem to get over the shock of it; reconciling who I knew him to be and who I knew HER to be since the day she was born. I am hurt beyond comprehension. I began seeing a trauma therapist to process everything soon after I left because I have been having trauma dreams since day one. The truth trickled out after 2018 in bits and pieces, but I truly never saw this coming. I knew he hadn't ceased contact like he promised and had been deleting her texts even after I confronted him multiple times and he promised to stop. I didn't fathom that they were actually seeing each other, especially when he was always trying to be there for me and especially after I confronted them both before I had the baby and said they were risking our marriage. The fact that they kept talking--and not just talking as I later found out--even after the baby was born, I couldn't fathom how anyone could be so heartless. She claims she was in love (though I think she was seeing other people too) and he claims he was not in his right state of mind and in denial. Depressed, no boundaries, and unable to emotionally regulate. Now he says he is so disgusted and shocked by himself. He began sharing his location a few months ago and shared his phone records so that he could prove that he was committed to being transparent from now on and had not contacted her again, but it has been a roller coaster. I finally told him I can't do friendly co-parenting with him. It's too hard. There's too many feelings involved. I feel so much rage. We fell in love in this city and recently moved back here (our hometown) when covid hit. Things between him and my sister rekindled from there since she lives at my parents' house. I still see her and she keeps sending gifts or texts saying she hopes I will forgive her one day. I feel as if I am triggered on all ends the moment I step out the apartment--and even if I don't because my other sisters talk about her and so does my mother since they are close. I do feel like I am just trying to stay afloat for my daughter but it has been turbulent to say the least. I contemplated moving out of state, but it would be hard without any support from friends or family. I can't turn off the thoughts in my brain that keep wanting a resolution. I am a fraud attorney by profession so I have a really hard time ignoring what feels like the black and white situation here. I think I am the one shaming myself about even thinking about having him in my life. I told my sister she is dead to me so another part of me feels like I can't then have him in my life, although I do feel better when he is. Perhaps its a comfort thing. I miss him terribly, but feel like there is a big barrier. How could he be the man I loved and someone who would do something this terrible with someone I will never be able to escape? I am so emotionally drained, but you are right that I don't need to make any big decisions yet. I am getting pressure from both sides (my family and his) to make a decision. I think its difficult for our loved ones to see us in pain like this. HIs family is like my family, but I just feel like our whole marriage was a lie and it is truly crushing. Thank you for listening and for having this platform. The stories on here are so comforting.
And yes, I aim so so grateful for my daughter. She is my saving grace. She keeps me smiling everyday through it all. It breaks my heart when I think of what is happening to her family, but I am thankful she is so little and won't remember any of this. Its isolating parenting alone though; he helps a lot, but now that we are no contact, I don't let him in my apartment anymore to help so I miss spending time just us three; but I will try to just keep going and hold on to the hope that things will get better one way or another someday.
I promise they will. In the meantime, hold fast to your boundaries.We have a saying on this site (you'll see it at the top of this page): My heartbreak, my rules. YOU get to decide who you see and when. YOU get to decide who gets to remain in your life and who doesn't. It is never your job to prioritize others' comfort over your own well-being. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your daughter. Everything you're feeling is "normal" under the circumstances, which doesn't necessarily make it easier but it does give some sort of promise that, like all of us, you will move through the pain. Hang in there, Anonymous. And please know just how sorry every single one of us who've ever come to this site are to have yet another woman in our "club".
Hi, I'm going to refer to my name is A. I haven't solid evidence that my husband has physically cheated on me, but I have found many things on his phone that point to casual sexual encounters online via webcam, chat groups, and chat apps. All this happened about 6 months ago... I found a screenshot of text messages of him and some woman from our church from last June. (before we got married.) I had found sandals when I had gotten back from a 10 day trip, and asked who the HELL are these? To which he replied "probably my sons." They were like those burkenstock kind, but with fucking GLITTER? Uh, no!!! That was my first damn clue! I naively let it go...Background, my husband is a recovering drug addict. He finally got sober Jan. 1st of this year. He says that the drugs really fucked up his mind and he made bad choices. I have found an old video dated several years ago with him fucking some girl. I can't get those images out of my head, its fucking AWFUL. I'm sorry for all the cussing, but it just feels so nice to get out. He lies and lies, and finally couldn't lie anymore once I saw the screenshot between him and this older lady from our church. I'm like fucking really? You have a hot younger girlfriend, and you're going to jeopardize it for some older lady cause she has the hots for you? He SWEARS he just helped her fix her car. She WON'T write me back, after I confronted her on FB messenger. I have no real solid answers, only what I believe or have made up in my own mind. It can be a vicious thing, the mind. It can put together all kinds of things, things I wish I could never imagine. I'm crazy in love with this man, which is the hardest part of it all. We've sought therapy and have been going for about a month. Right now, we're doing individual therapy. I truly believe he has a sex addiction. He won't admit that to be true, but I wholeheartedly believe it. He says he's willing to do ANYTHING to make it work. Let's me look at his phone whenever he wants, I have his location of where he is, and we spend all other time outside of work together. But because this has been a mostly online ordeal, I have such a hard time believing he won't just try and cover up his tracks before he gets home. Why am I not enough, and why is this happening? It's made me so sick, I feel like I'm spiraling in my thoughts. It's driving me crazy. It's literally driving me to the point of insanity, especially because he won't tell me the WHOLE truth, we as women just know when something is missing. I just wish he'd tell me everything so I can move past this....
Hi A, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. And I'm so glad you are in individual therapy. Being with a recovering addict is a huge challenge and you need support. You might want to also consider joining a 12-step group for partners of addicts. I have a hunch you'll meet a lot of people who share your challenges. As for whether or not he's cheating, in my experience, usually we know before we actually know, if you get what I mean. Your gut is telling you that this man is untrustworthy right now. And I suspect that's true. So I would encourage you to proceed as if you know it's true. What would you do if he told you was, in fact, cheating? What would change? If you wouldn't leave him, then I wonder if things would look pretty much the same as they do right now -- couples therapy, as well as individual counselling, an insistence on access to his devices, etc. I want to also push back on a few of your beliefs, which are flat out wrong: If he's cheating, he's not doing it because there's something wrong with YOU but because there's something wrong with HIM. He is looking outside himself for something that's an inside job. The same reasons he turned to drugs are why he's (possibly) cheating. It feels good and his desire to feel good (validated, wanted, interesting, etc.) is more important to him than a commitment to you or living with honesty and integrity. Even if he's not cheating, as you well know, addicts lie. To themselves and to everyone around them. I hope his recovery includes a plan to learn radical honesty. But that will likely take time. In the meantime, A, please take care of yourself. That is your priority. Learn from our counsellor how to set clear boundaries (or read more on this site). Learn how to treat yourself with respect and care. You will get through this, A, but it starts with a refusal to tolerate disrespect and dishonesty, even when it's hard.
@Elle...I didn't think about that, but you're probably right. They probably do have to do with the same things that drove him to addiction. Which I am unsure of? But I will definitely look into a 12-step for partners of addicts. That is a VERY good piece of advice! Thank you so much for this support group. I already love it so much!
My story is not un similar to so many I have read. I only found BWC a few days ago as I was struggling with my emotions and it calmed me knowing that I wasn’t alone. I need to take you back a few years to 2017 that’s when my world started to fall apart that’s when I felt the coldness or a shift in my H so I asked him out right are we ok ? His face dropped and then I asked him if he was having an affair? then it came out I can still feel the pain as my world imploded. My husband is away a lot for work and up to that point I’d never thought he would do such a thing to me to us ( his father did it to every woman he married ) and he hated it. But here you are. I took on some blame myself as he was away I kind of took over the running of the house and the children of which we have 3 it was one of his excuses he felt left out.yeah I know guess what so do I. Anyway I was just trying to take in the nightmare that happened when just a few days later my father in law got diagnosed with MND it was devastating trying to juggle all these emotions and support my husband and his father. I lost so much weight people that know us just think it was just dealing with the stress regarding my father in law’s illness but it was so much more. Our kids didn’t know and 2 still don’t about what was going on. The affair kind of got put on the back burner in the fact we didn’t really discuss it with just dealt with what was next my father in law’s illness. I kept pushing his affair down not wanting to bring it up as it hurt so much. ( not doing the best job as it was eating away at me ) Moving on to 2019 my father in law passed away and we had to sort everything out as you do when things like this happen that was the end of summer that year. At Christmas he had a new phone and I saw emoji’s on a message he sent love hearts my heart sank but I didn’t say anything now I wish I had I thought there is no way he could be doing this again and to this day he doesn’t know that I saw it. I know right what an idiot roll on a few months then covid hit our life like so many turned upside down for him especially he almost lost his Job he lost his whole team they were all made redundant and he fell into a well of depression I couldn’t reach him he was in a very dark space. So that brings me to DD2 Valentine’s Day 2021 it started off as a normal day we even made love that morning. Later that day I was walking through the downstairs when he grabbed my hand and took me into our office then sat me down and told me he wasn’t happy. Omg not again I felt the floor drop from under my feet it wasn’t till then he told me he was in contact with this OW the same one from 2017 well if I didn’t feel like shit I do now. He left the next day to say at a friends and came back a week later to say he wasn’t coming home and he didn’t.He told our oldest that he had feelings for someone else our son was 23 and when he came in he asked me outright what was going on so I told him everything but our girls do not know. I’m not sure who I’m protecting Him or them or me. He is around, he is currently renting a flat nearby on his own and he does come and stay at the house it’s like we are slowly moving forward like dating and I hope he will come home and we will have a proper future together. I still love my husband we met when I was 16 he was 17 we have over 30 years together I won’t give up on us. I have been through counselling myself since he left. But it is not common knowledge to the rest of the world what has happened to us. I am in pain but I don’t want to be like other people I know that have been through this that are so bitter I refuse to be that person don’t get me wrong if your reading this I am angry that he could ever do this to someone you love and shared a life with I have come a long way the past year I have found my self worth, I have put in some boundaries because I am enough. I just wanted to share my story and hope for a better future.
Yes, you are enough. You have always been enough. His lack of faithfulness and loyalty to you is HIS failure not yours. I'm glad you're in therapy. And there's a wide gulf between being bitter and angry and staying with a man who isn't a full partner to you. Please don't sacrifice yourself and your wants in order to preserve a marriage with someone incapable or unwilling to be honest and intimate with you. You deserve better than this.
Hi. I found out about my husbands affair two years ago. He had been unfaithful before we were married as well. He would message other women on social media and call them beautiful or something along those lines. I still stayed which I feel so embarrassed about. Reading these blogs has helped not to feel as bad and seeing that 81% of women stay. Anyway we would basically just move past it. He would say he was sorry and cry and it would be done. A couple years go by and everything seems fine. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. I had this gut feeling that something was wrong but I was very anxious over my pregnancy so I let it slide. Then comes time to give birth it was a 26 hour process which he stayed awake for most of, not talking to me just playing on his phone. I give birth everything is beautiful. My best friend comes over everyday for the week after and then reveals that my husband has been texting her saying he wishes she’d never leave and heart eye emojis, things she felt were inappropriate but continued with. She said she was scared that if she told him to stop he wouldn’t let her see me or the baby. I ended up cutting her off and stayed with my husband. A choice I still feel I handle incorrectly. My husband starts going to therapy by himself and becomes very close with his young female therapist. Nothing happened that I’m aware of but then all the sudden she moved practices and I saw his emails saying he would miss her. Just with our history I was worried about but nothing else ever came of it. We seemed to be doing better and then about two years later my friend Comes over and me her and my husband all get very drunk. I looked through his phone and he had been texting someone and called her babe. Someone I worked with that he only knew from a mutual friend from years ago. He had been having an affair on/off again for a couple years. I left with my friend to sleep at her house and stayed away for a day or so. He put us in marriage counseling the next day. It seemed to help and we had been better. Fast forward to now two years later, I’m pregnant again and I’m terrified. I keep dreaming of him cheating on me I’ve been so depressed the last week or so. I asked to go through his phone last night which he refused. I cried to him for hours and he still did not budge. I’m currently sitting at our local park trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do. He says he isn’t hiding anything, it’s the principle of going through his things and the fact that this feels like a step backwards instead of us moving forward together. But to me if he wasn’t hiding anything he should have no problem at all handing his phone over. Am I wrong? Am I emotional cause I’m pregnant and basically having PTSD flashbacks? It just feels like something is off and I can’t shake the feeling and his actions last night did not help at all.
I don't know if he's cheating right now or not but, given his track record, it's a reasonable assumption. Here's the thing, Anonymous: We teach people how they can treat us. And for years, you've let him get away with COMPLETELY inappropriate behaviour if not downright infidelity and then you've punished the people who tell you it's happening rather than the guy who's doing it. So whether he's cheating or not right at this moment, it seems as though you've never really dealt with all his cheating throughout your marriage so there's no reason to assume he's being faithful. He's never really had to stop. Please, before this baby is born and you're an exhausted mom of an infant, get therapy and deal with everything you're putting up with. Find out why you aren't holding him accountable. Get to the bottom of your fears and find ways to set and maintain boundaries with him. Or find out whether you can stay with someone who's refusing to be honest with you. But please don't continue to let him gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.
Hello to All....for now, instead of posting my story I will post something I have learned....Can a marriage be 're-built'? For me, nope. Because what I thought to be a beautiful marriage was a mostly one-sided relationship of me giving, caring, doting, holding the ball, running with the ball, bending over backwards with the ball.....my wasband lying, cheating, stealing since we were engaged, even before we were engaged....2 years of engagement (plenty of time for him to tell me of his ongoing secret life + bad behavior) and 13 years of marriage...why would I want to re-build a lie? I have been on so many sites that say 'it is possible to re-build a marriage' but I question this. Can a broken egg be re-built? Nope. It is smashed on the sidewalk, golden yolk running everywhere, and if it is a hot summer day, it will soon be rotten. The egg cannot be re-built. Ask Humpty Dumpty. Can couples start 'anew'? That is up to them. What does that really mean? what does that look like? For myself, armed with the info that I have on wasband's ammoral life, with his disrespect for me, his abuse of my trust and my body; with his ongoing gaslighting, tantrums, delusions, disinterest in therapy and real growth I am not willing to start anew. This would be a death sentence for me. Does he deserve a chance to grow and try at the marriage again? He had 15 years with me to do this. And I am his 2nd wife. He was with his 1st wife for 13 years. He has had over 30 years of marriages to work out his problems which he has not, and he continues with his destructive patterns. As a human being, he is on his own path and I am not his keeper. We have been separated for almost three years and he is on dating websites, porn sites...his female girle fling from last year is not much older than his daughter...ewwwwwwww.....a 61 yr old man with 30 yr old (a 4x drunk driver)....nope, wasband hasn't learned a thing and lives out his unhealthy patterns....I have learned to not place hope where there is none. He says he still loves me. Well, that was a few months ago. But still, is that his hook? a now hollow word that I bought into long ago which brought mostly destruction to my life? I have spent the past almost-three-years working on me, on my self-care, on my growth, my discovery of patterns, needs, wants and know that right now, wasband has nothing good to offer me, just his delusions and fantasies. I am re-building MY life. While wasband tries to jam a glass shoe onto his troll-dolls, this Cinderella is much, much safer to walk barefoot without him.
I have been visiting this site for awhile now and am grateful to Elle for this platform to share our story. I am a week away from the first anniversary of DDay and I still feel so lost, any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years now, in the last 6 years due to work, we lived in different countries, it was a good paying job and we told ourselves we were going to do it for a few years and saved for retirement. After the initial 2 years, I suggested that we moved across but we realised it was more expensive living there than home so we didn’t continue with that thinking. Since moving was not on the cards anymore, I started work in our home country to try help with our future and retirement plans because he had also started complaining about the increasing cost of living where he lived. Fast forward to 2020 and his contract finished and not getting renewed. It was disappointing for him but I also felt that the time has come anyway after almost 6 years to live together again, he seemed distant and angry when he came back, I thought it was understandable as he probably wanted to get a renewal. Things were tense over that summer and by fall, he told us that he had managed to secure a short term contract for another 6 months. We had been fighting for the last few months and he said the time apart would be good for us to re assess our marriage? I thought WTF, so we go for therapy, right? He said he didn’t think that would help us etc and I started getting very suspicious and sad. Few weeks after he had gone back, I managed to access documents which showed that he had been transferring money to a female bank account, this went on for months together with Uber receipts showing their activity, I was heartbroken and not even being able to confront him face to face just sent me into a downward spiral, we needed that money and I was working so hard to earn that every month. I couldn’t take it and quit my job, it felt like I was helping to fund their lifestyle. I didn’t let on thst I knew as I wanted to confront him face to face, it was suffocating to know that if he didn’t like what I said, he would hung up on me and that made me go thousand of miles away so I said that I wanted him to return. Since he was on a short term thing and he completed two thirds contract, they let him finish up the rest remotely. Things were still bad when he returned and we were still fighting because he wouldn’t admit to anything and I didn’t want to upset our teenage son who was in the midst of his exams. Almost to the day a year ago, I walked up to him as he was texting and just took the phone away. He was still texting the OW since being back for few months now. I confronted him about this and eventually over a period of a week after, different versions of what happened came out. Fast forward to today, he has a job now in a nearby city and he’s said that he wouldn’t have gone back had he been given a renewal, I don’t know what to believe anymore, like why come back and still keep in touch if you never intended to go back there again, what would have happened if I never pulled the phone out of his hands, would he have ever confessed? He’s said he’s sorry and remorseful for what he’s done in the last few years being away from home and that he was lonely and needed the sex, and that he really wants to work at staying married. I thought to myself I was in the same position too except that I continued to work hard at my old job and raised our son instead of messing around. He’s currently in therapy with someone but I don’t know anymore what to think or feel. It’s like what Zinderella said, that resonated with me a lot, the egg has cracked and gone splat, what do we do about that splat feeling?
I''m so sorry. What do we do with the "splat"? Well, we have a few choices. Ideally, if we want to stay married, our husband takes full responsibility for his choice to cheat (rather than brushing it off as being "lonely" and "needing sex" -- you weren't lonely? Needing sex?) and does everything he can to rebuild trust. He says he wants the marriage? What is he doing to create a marriage in which you feel valued? Loved? Emotionally safe with him? Until and unless he takes the initiative to rebuild your marriage, then "splat" is the likely outcome.
Thank you Elle for replying and thank you for ‘Stuck between now and not yet’, I cried through reading that, mostly it’s everything I feel and I hope that one day, I will be there, whatever that might look like for me. I have not decided if we will do couples therapy, it still feels like so much to process even a year on. I continue to read and journal. At least now, I truly feel that it was totally about him and his own selfish needs. We have had many conversations about what I want to see happen going forward, him doing work on himself and I am just taking a step each day, am just grateful for this space and sense of community.
Hi Everyone, I just found out that my husband asked his ex out for lunch a couple of times. He didn't come clean when I found out about it. He denied that they had any physical contact. I just had a gut feeling that things could not be so simple. So I decided to ask him again 4 days after I discovered their meetings. Then he finally confessed that he actually held her hand, hugged and kissed her. It's so devastating to find out things bit by bit. It's like getting stabbed again. I am feeling really lost.
Last evening, I was alone at home. Images of him kissing and hugging the OW came into my mind. I couldn't stop thinking. My heart was in so much pain. I kept thinking that he might be hiding more things from me. I became paranoid. He came back from work and I couldn't wait to question him. What I needed was some love and assurance from him. He just didn't understand and started telling me that he's very tired and wasn't able to function well at work. I felt that what he meant was I am sabotaging his life. He was the one who damaged our relationship. What right does he have to complain? Had he ever thought of the impact of the damage to our relationship before he asked the OW out, we wouldn't have to go through this sh*t! He wants to have his kid badly. When I was trying to get assurance from him, all he thought about was when would he get his child. My feelings, my needs for love and assurance were not met. He's so obssesed with wanting a child and that has clouded his mind so much so that there's no more empathy, morals and integrity. Is this a sign for me to leave him?
What you needed was someone who could hear your pain and your fear and respond to it with compassion and empathy and honesty. You're not paranoid. You're responding to what you know (that he was seeing someone secretly) with what you suspect is happening again. This is classic gaslighting. Trying to make you think that you're crazy rather than acknowledge that your feelings are valid, given his behaviour. But you don't have to tolerate this. You can demand honesty and access to his devices (if he has nothing to hide, shouldn't be a problem) or you can assume his resistance to your desire for honesty is because he can't or won't be honest. Either way, don't tolerate it. And certainly excuse his behaviour because he wants a child. He needs to show you he'd be an exemplary husband and father before you should even consider having a child with him.
Dear Elle, thank you very much for taking time to reply us despite your busy schedule. You are really a kind soul! I believe everyone here appreciates your kindness!
Yes, I just wanted him to be honest and listen to how I was feeling and to show me compassion and empathy. I felt extremely terrible a few days ago and found out that I'm suffering from betrayal trauma. I couldn't eat and sleep well. I would wake up from shock or a heartache a couple of times within a night. I knew I couldn't go on living under the same roof with him so I decided to take a relationship break by moving to my bro's place. I told him that we should give each other some time and space to think thoroughly. I would say this was really a good move. This is my 3rd day here and I am feeling much better. I can be myself here. I did cry when I needed to and when I woke up with a shock or heartache, I would calm down and talked to myself. It's really good to talk to myself because only by doing this, I get to see how I really feel deep down and how I can help myself. I have not decided on whether to continue to stay in the marriage but I have chosen to forgive my spouse and the OW. I had the feeling of freedom last night when I chose to forgive them.
To whomever who is reading my post, I hope that you will never be betrayed in your life. However, if you have been betrayed by your loved ones, please step back a little to breathe and make peace for yourself. This break is definitely beneficial for you. You can list down the purposes, timeframe and have mutual agreement to remain in an exclusive relationship during this period. If you are thinking what if your spouse decides to go to the OW, then this just shows that he is not a man worth keeping.
I'm having technical problems (ie I'm technically challenged) so I'm going to have to be anon. Sorry. Just need to vent. This is a great site. I fell in love w my H in college, we married at 23. When I was 35, I learned of a year long affair of his and of course, hit the floor I was so devastated. Went to therapy, she moved away, after 2 years I thought I was healed. In 2010 -2011 (trickle truth) I learn that his 1 time affair was actually the 10th woman he'd slept with since we'd been together, and he had several women in the 90's and one woman from 2000 into 2010 until I found out. How naive I was. I thought "well that was a mistake he made a long time ago, thank God he got it out of his system so now we can spend the rest of our lives together happily". Wrong. When I told him it was her or me but make the decision NOW he called her and broke it off, then said "I've hurt BOTH the women I love" It's been 12 years since that horrible discovery year but he's made minor indiscretions since that (porn, lap dance, anger) and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. It won't go away. I've been married to this man for over 40 years and I now look at him like a stranger in my house. He's been sweet, helpful, but doesn't seem to have the motivation to really figure out why he did the things he did. He's had therapy - the last one, when my H told him I trigger sometimes when I read about infidelity, the counselor said: Can you tell her to stop reading books? I made the choice to stay bc I don't want the shrapnel from all the bombs he dropped on me to injure the rest of my family and family life. But it's taken a toll physically and emotionally. I sometimes wonder if there's any way in hell I can ever feel romantic again towards him. My mind wants to. My body says "no way." I have a sinking feeling I'll be in limbo for the rest of my life. Never expected this. But then again, life is not fair. It just is. Thanks for listening!
It's my first day after finding out about my fiancee, after 4 years of our relationship, she cheated on me and my best friend over the phone twice. She has deep regret I know, and I know she loves me or I don't know anything, I doubted everything. I'm broken, I don't know what to do, I want to give her a chance and in the next few minutes I forget it and I want to break up, I gave her my trust and she betrayed it , I don't know because of karma, or what, but I don't know what to do, I think she has problems and needs to be treated with a doctor For mental health, I also think the situation is complicated by knowing my close friends, I never wanted that to happen, I never wanted to feel those feelings, I didn't deserve it, I just wanted to build our house and live together, can someone tell me what to do?
I love her, but I can't stand it happening again, despite her confirmation and clarity that it will never happen again together, but now I don't believe anything, can anyone reassure me?
The truth is nobody here can tell you what to do. I know your hurting and you think the pain will eat you up. The truth is and this is the killer you will need time ( nobody wants time they want the clocks to go back or move forward so you don’t feel this pain anymore) to process what has happened. I know not what you wanted to hear but if you can read some of the other blogs on this site you will know that you are not alone and I hope that brings you some comfort
I’m heartbroken 💔. I’ve been married to a man, who I thought was my soul mate, for 16 years. 10 days ago I found out that he had been cheating on me for 6 years. It started with the occasional prostitute (never the same one) and 2 years ago he found “her”. She was 22 at the time and he was 62. Looking back I should have seen it. He is a very sexual man, and in my heart I knew that having “casual” sex twice a week with him was not going to keep him home. He always wanted more, asked for more but it’s the down and dirty sex that he wanted. I was sexually abused in my first marriage. Received years of counseling and knew that I couldn’t go down that road. He said he understood, loved me deeply and wanted to grow old with me. I believed him until the day he withdrew $8200.00 from our savings account. He told me it was to help a friend that had gotten himself in trouble. The lies from that moment became harder to believe and I finally put all the pieces together. The bail money was to get his prostitute out of jail. That night he brought her home to our house and slept with her in our bed. She has had two felonies of cocaine abuse, selling and fleeing the police. She is currently in jail for the next three months and thankfully my husband has no idea where she is. I feel like I have three months to work on our marriage because he can’t tell me that he won’t see her again. He feels a connection, she needs him and yes he has always paid for sex with her. He wants us both. Our counseling appointment isn’t for two weeks and I literally feel like I am drowning. I don’t know who he is anymore. The screaming and crying constantly has stopped and I’m trying so hard to simply listen, not give him ultimatums but in the mean time it hurts so bad.
Hi everyone, I found out a few months ago my husband was having an affair with a man for fours years. After discovering the text messages and video chats. I confronting him about the affair. He said it was his childhood trauma that triggered him to have the affair. I asked him if he was bisexual. He said no it wasn’t for him. I’m confused, hurt, lost and don’t know what to believe.
Elle, your story hits home with me. My husband of 8 years just confessed to his latest affair last night. This is the 3rd one that I am aware of. He admitted that he has a sex addiction and needs help. We were in therapy at my assistance after the 2nd one, but he wasn't fully committed...didn't feel like it was helping .mainly because the therapist we were seeing uses the Gottman method and followed a script each time.
I find myself distraught and numb at the same time right now.
I HAVE to take anti-anxiety medication to function...I have for years and unfortunately it lowers my libido. He has had a much more provocative sex life in his previous 2 marriages than i ever have...like a swinger type relationship.
I have a strong faith in God and he is continually working on his faith..knows he needs to do better. I believe God can work miracles.
Just like you describe in your article that tells your story, the 2nd and 3rd time he became a blubbering mess upon confession. This is the first time he has told me face to face about an affair. The other times were over the phone an via text.
I feel like most people would leave...but that seems so scary to me right now.
Elle, your story hits home with me. My husband of 8 years just confessed to his latest affair last night. This is the 3rd one that I am aware of. He admitted that he has a sex addiction and needs help. We were in therapy at my assistance after the 2nd one, but he wasn't fully committed...didn't feel like it was helping .mainly because the therapist we were seeing uses the Gottman method and followed a script each time.
I find myself distraught and numb at the same time right now.
I HAVE to take anti-anxiety medication to function...I have for years and unfortunately it lowers my libido. He has had a much more provocative sex life in his previous 2 marriages than i ever have...like a swinger type relationship.
I have a strong faith in God and he is continually working on his faith..knows he needs to do better. I believe God can work miracles.
Just like you describe in your article that tells your story, the 2nd and 3rd time he became a blubbering mess upon confession. This is the first time he has told me face to face about an affair. The other times were over the phone an via text.
I feel like most people would leave...but that seems so scary to me right now.
I have just found this site and am so grateful that it exists. I have been so lost and confused, I keep asking why, with no answers. My husband of 12 years, we've been together for 15, started having a sexual affair in February. He started the emotional affair in January. He would take her on work trips with him, work "at home" from her house, pick her up to ride around with him in his work car and who knows what other things he never came clean with to me. When I found out in May, he claimed to want to work on our marriage and that he would stop the affair. I didn't know that he told her I had found out and not to answer any messages or calls from him (he used his work phone to get in touch with her). I thought he ended the affair and that we were working on our marriage. However, he was still seeing her and talking to her. After marriage counseling for a few weeks, he told me in early July that he still loved her and left me, but that she had ended it with him in June. So all of July, I thought he was working on himself, seeing a therapist and staying at his parents. Most of that was true but he also started seeing her again. I found out August 8th that he was still seeing her and that he did not want to end the affair BUT he did not want to end our marriage either. So since then, I have been sitting here waiting for him to come home but he can't make a decision. I feel so pathetic and weak. We have four children together. Also, this woman lives in our town and has 3 children of her own. She is a single mother and her kids have two different dads. He stays at her house sometimes for the night, and her kids know he is there. Our kids do not know that he's doing this, just that we're separated for now. Also, two of her kids are in the same grade as two of our kids. I'm worrying for my two kids and what they might hear. I feel like I'm all over the place, rambling. I can't understand any of whats happening. My heart is broken and my heart breaks more for my children.
I’m 8 days from finding out. The first story is it was just texting and an “emotional relationship” now it comes out it was sex in hotels for two months. Wonder what will come out tomorrow.
Hi everyone I just discovered this website, I am french speaker so I hope you guies will be able to read my english...
I travelled to give birth to our second child, I was 8 month pregnant at that time. He came around the time I was about to give birth. I also had complications with my pregnancy, i was sick a lot. I give bith to my son and i can feel this distance between us. I decided to focus on my newborn until i go back home. When i come back home, my son is 1 month old and I discovered the whole time i left he started cheating with a maried woman who lives in Japan.. They had oral sex, and spent time talking all day (he wasnt even calling me like that, just sending me text). Talking and video sexing even on days i was at the hospital. Calling her the next day I gave birth and we were at the hospital together. I was devasted. I couldn't even breathe when I found out. I was crying all day and out, could not take care of my newborn. He says it didn't mean nothing to him and he did not have sex with her, he just flirted with her. He was sorry and was remorseful. He called her to put and end to their story. I was so upset against her because she knew we were married and she was married too. I wanted to find her husband so bad, I turned into and F.B.I agent and went to look for her husband on social medias. I even like her family pictures she posted on social media to let her know I am coming for her. She panicked and called him, he told her I am upset and she need to stop contacting him, she did not want him to stop and was trying to convince him that I was probably going to leave him because he betrayed me and she has been betrayed before by her husband so she knows I will never forgive what he did, so they have to keep talking to fix it. He told her he could not talk to her anymore and that he will report to me from now on everything they will discuss anyway and hang up.. She went ahead and blocked me on her social media. I was furious because how could you ! You tried to sleep with my husband, and asked him to leave me when you know how it feels to be a betrayed wife and now you block me to add to my pain. I was so hurted. My husband tried to make everything to help me through this pain. Answered all my questions day or night. Take me to vacation. I am grateful he is trying at least but I am still hurt post 8 months! Sometimes I feel like hurting him and her. I also feel stupid for not telling anyone because by doing so I am protecting the OW mariage because her husband doesn't know what she did. But I can't talk about it because I don't want people to know what he did, and they will also judge me. Sometimes, I feel humiliated. I am reading all these books to try to understand why would another married woman want to break another women marriage. I mean my husband is sure responsible for this, but when I read all the text. He told her he loves me and will never leave me, he just wanted to have fun and he chooses her because she is also married and should not leave her husband, but she was insisting on asking him to leave me because she had feelings for him, he was better than her husband....... He kept telling her she should stay married because he will not leave her. She was also comparing herself to me all the time... like asking him if she is more beautiful than me? He will tell her what she wanted to hear. Why would she act like that? I mean you knew the deal and you agreed on having fun, why compare yourself to me and forcing him to literally say you are better than me. I have nothing to do with this dealt. I feel like she was attacking me for no reason!!
Hi I’m married for four years this year I also gave birth to my first child 9 months ago.I found out a week before giving birth that my husband had an online affair with someone close to me just before I fell pregnant He claims it was because of problems he was having with his family at the time although he admits I was there through it all I forgave him because we were just about to have a baby and it wasn’t anything physical and he was apologetic and ‘nothing really happened’ We had a pretty good relationship before this We fought like any couple but I always believed he didn’t see anyone but me (naïve I know) and that we were meant to be together He was my Prince Charming We both were married before to abusive partners (I know what you thinking…. Did he cheat on her as well but no he’s marriage was brief and he was faithful) Anyway fast forward to after me giving birth my baby girl didn’t sleep at all at night for three months,I went back to work after two and I just wasn’t coping with life in general I became aggressive,angry,frustrated and just not a nice person We fought all the time and I was always moody with him making a lot of things his fault that weren’t really We lived next door to his parents which didn’t help matters either and that just became an added issue We finally moved about three months ago but I just found out that he had a brief affair with someone that he was working with She no longer works there and he’s cut off all ties but I found conversations,pictures and call logs….which went on for hours He was complaining about how much he deals with how much he does and how horrible I am He even told her he wants to be with her although he says he never meant any of it and it was all just talk When we spoke about why he did it he explained to me with he’s financial stress the way things were/are between us,etc etc he just needed a getaway and he made a bad choice While I understand that and see how it could have led to him needling emotional support and having an affair since he claims it wasn’t initially about the sexual part of things I can’t forget how he did the same thing before when I was there for him and wasn’t the monster Ive become these past few months I’m not taking the blame but I understand where his coming from That being said it doesn’t mean I don’t feel insecure,about my looks my body,our relationship,I’m even scared of us arguing or having a fight,I’m scared of something going wrong in his life becuase then he’s going to need a crutch and I’m nowhere near as supportive as I was a year ago because I feel so betrayed He’s taken responsibility but I don’t think he understands the gravity of what his done no matter how much I’m explaining it to him He’s apologized and said he’ll do anything to make us right but I don’t know how to get past this image I have now because I was so sure he would never cheat It’s changed the whole dynamic of the relationship for me but at the same time I can’t let him go He is the love of my life How do I trust again I’ve read so much about healing and getting over being cheated on but I need some advice on a practical level from people who’ve actually been through this What do I do to get my marriage to a healthy place again ?
Hi my story started 2.5 years ago. My h asked me to check a message on his phone. While doing so i noticed a large number of messages from his work colleague. He had always referred to her as being unstable but ok to talk to. I said i was uncomfortable with the level of contact outside of work. The content was general but could be 20 texts a day evening good night and good morning. She had hust broken away from a relationship and probably was lonely he started to delete messages incase i lioked i became obsessed with them talking. He denied anything romantic was happening. I asked her she said just friends. But our relationship was deteriorating rapidly. After 6 month ge said he didnt love me anymore and wanted to move out. We have 3 kids. My mental health had hit rock bottom panic attacks constant vomiting and diarrhoea i thought i was loosing my mind. He kept saying he had feeling for her and i was imagining everything i thought i had gine mad and paranoid. He never moved out said he wanted to stay and work on our marriage. I agreed for the kids and myself. We were 20 years together. 19 brilliant years and then this dramatic change. He continued to stay in contact with her outside their working day i still remained parnoid. We had good months bad months. But last thursday i picked him up at 5am from a night out. He was very drunk and told me after i pushed him that he had just left a hotel room after having sex with her and it has happened once 18 months ago as well. He ended up with thrush from her gave it to me . He has begged me to stay i haven't my mind made up. He wants to do counselling he is so sorry for all the hurt and amount of lies. He always defended her to me previously and wont hear a bad word. Didnt want me giving out about her. He now acknowledge her part in this. I confronted her yesterday outside their work. She pretended she didnt know what i was talkung about. But then said she wont go near only he said he couldnt leave as i wint allow him see kids. I would never have stopped him seeing kids. They are teenagers they would atrange it themselves anyway. Also that we were not sleeping together over the past two years. Where we had been intimate at least twice or 3 times a week. He has been very remorseful since Thursday i have allowed him stay in the home as i fear he is suicidal but ge has to get a sti test and can not work with her again. Cut all social media contact. Which he has . For him to not work with her he needs to talk to his bosses not sure he xan do that. Any advise is appreciated.
Is it wrong to mourn the loss of the friendship with the OW? Part 1 D-day was exactly one week ago.
Over the last few months we had been getting to know some new friends. Two married couples around the same age, did not have kids yet either, everyone lived five minutes from each other, and we all enjoyed going and doing a lot of the same things. My husband is someone who talks to everyone through social media and texts. He has several good friends(about half are female) that he doesn't necessarily hang out with in person but has become close to via digital communication. I hear about everyone all the time. But when he told me he had a group chat with the two wives of this new friend group, I told him to be careful, don't make the husbands feel threatened. He said he was also talking to the husbands as well and actually getting close with one of them. We both started to get closer to one couple in particular and had hung out with them without the other couple about three weeks ago on a Friday night.
Side note: Not that our marriage had been perfect the last 8 years but I could honestly say that it seemed like we were at our best so far on an emotional level. We have been through so much trauma, a suicide attempt, and lots and lots of death of loved ones. My husband had gone through major depression and had been having problems with ED. We had not had sex in several months. We had discussed a couple months ago that we really missed it and that we should give it a go. Neither of us ever initiated it though. Then again about two weeks ago we had another conversation about it. Both confessing that we were a bit intimidated by it. I felt that was helpful to know and had decided to pick a day to initiate that I knew would be fairly stress free and we would have plenty of time in case things didn't go smoothly. Of course life happens and it didn't happen that day.
Is it wrong to mourn the loss of the friendship with the OW? Part 2
I fell asleep on the couch that night and he woke me up with a serious "Hey" I replied with a "yeah, yeah, I'll go get in the bed" He says "No, we need to talk" He then proceeds to tell me that he is a horrible person and that he is sorry for doing this to me. I don't remember exactly what was said to make me realize what he was saying. As I said I had just woken up. I of course ask who and being completely honest I had a couple people in mind that wouldn't have shocked me. But who he said did! It was the wife of the couple we had just hung out with two weeks prior. He said after that night they had started chatting privately about completely normal stuff and realizing they had a lot in common. They both work from home and like i said we live about 5 mins from each other so they decided to hang out one day. Four days from when we had all hung out together. That's how fast it happened. He went to her house "just as friends" but of course one thing led to another. What gets me is that very evening he asked if I wanted to join both couples for dinner. Work had kicked my tail so I declined but told him I knew he had been cooped up in the house all day so he should go. Ha! The irony! So he went to dinner and had a great time with all of them. I asked later if he and her felt weird at dinner knowing what they had done earlier in the day. He claims he compartmentalized it. They proceeded to meet up pretty much every day they could for two weeks. On the Sunday I found out(D-day) my husband was even asking me earlier in the day if I wanted to go watch football with the two couples. They ended up having plans so that didn't happen. That night the OW's spouse just happened to see a text from my husband and then went through all of their messages and discovered the affair. OW texts my husband and says that she was busted and that her spouse wants a divorce and not to say anything to me. My husband knew that it would get to me at some point so that's when he woke me up and told me. When I discovered the timeline I realized that when we had been having the convo about being intimidated to have sex again he had already been sleeping with her. He stated that he was still having ED issues but was able to make it happen eventually with her each time. He says the reason it happened is because it felt good that someone didn't see all the negative about him. Someone was very interested in him and everything about him. They bonded over past trauma, etc. So I get that. I get that we have so much baggage that I have become complacent and am guilty of noticing the negative more than the positive. I wasn't putting forth the effort to keep the spark or to make him feel wanted/liked. I don't say this to justify what he did. At all. I can just see what led to this situation.
Is it wrong to mourn the loss of the friendship with the OW? Part 3
On D-day he seemed to be honest while answering all my questions. I didn't react the way I expected. All I wanted was to be embraced by him and honestly I wanted to have sex with him. So freaking weird! To my defense I had been gearing myself up for it all day. I told him that i wasn't necissarily jealous of the other women(oh I forgot to mention he threw in there that he had sex with a client last year when out of town. Oh goody) but that I was jealous of him for getting to have these fun, exciting, and passionate situations. I wanted that. I wanted that with him! I didn't sleep that night and was a zombie at work the next day. I even reached out to the OW. Not to be nasty but to just say "Certainly didn't see that coming. I was actually looking forward to becoming better friends" In hindsight maybe I was trying to make her feel guilty. She profusely apologized and we had back and forth conversations all day. As weird as it sounds, talking to her made me feel better. I realized that she is actually the decent person I thought she was but she made a horrible mistake due to trouble in her own marriage. I can see that both she and my husband now see that not only did they damage our marriages but put an end to what seemed like a great new friendship. My husband and I have said several times this week that if only we could all come out on the other side and all still be friends. I think we may actually be unhinged. haha We decided to keep going as normal to the outside world because we had a family(his) trip in a few days, a family wedding trip a week later, and then a friend coming to visit from across the country the following week. We decided to get through these 3 weeks and then figure out if we want to seperate or not while we work to see if we want to fight for this marriage or give it up. We got through the family trip(actually had an amazing time) but on the way home I started to lose it. We got home and he went to the gym and to run errands and I literally cried the entire time he was gone. I realized I had been on autopilot all week and had not truly allowed myself to feel any of it. Now I can't shake this feeling. It's the worst i have ever felt in my life and i have been through some serious stuff. I haven't told any friends or family. I am pretty certain it will only make things worse. My best friend has her own relationship(platonic) with my husband and literally the day before D-day she told me that she will always love and care for him unless he "beats or cheats". I don't remember why she was even saying that but it made sense at the time. I don't want anyone passing judgement onto me OR him. Especially until we figure out what we are going to do. Even then, I know that she is a positive support for my husband and I don't want to take that away from him. All this to say, I feel more alone than I ever have. We start couples counseling in two days and I start individual therapy in a week. As weird as it sounds I prefer to be around him right now. When I'm alone I am overwhelmed by my feelings and wandering mind. I don't know what the future holds for us but gosh am I ready to not feel like I am suffocating.
This is long. Similar but a variation to others. I’ve been married over 40 years. We are both in our late 60s. 2 grown children, one has moved back. Many years ago i found he was using internet porn a lot, then on a vacation with others when we had sex he was making “oh my god yes yes sounds” who was that for? That along with little flirting play and with a heavy imbalance on household chores and career, killed my interest in sex with him. 2001, 10 years later his parents died, then in 2009 my dad died and my mom in 2015. I was swamped. But in 2015 we tried and it was painful for me. I went to the doctor about it a received some things to try. In 2016 I had a cone laser treatment for cervical issues. Meanwhile he started his own issues with back pain which he called sciatica but was really needing a hip replacement which he received in 2020. Just A year ago I tripped over a hotel receipt on his computer for a weekend I was away in 2021 and confronted him. He said he thought sex was over for us but was willing to try again.. then there was the dance.. I’m too aggressive, he is the alpha .. stop pressuring…nothing for a year. In July 2022 I was away again for a weekend and he was with her. I was on alert and knew. I confronted him and he said it was the last time and it was goodbye. I said it was one more time.he didn’t like it. He deleted contact and gave me access to available info. I dragged him to a counselling, he knew but forgot! Went but didn’t want to. Said it was over and he wanted to be with me. After that I read tons of stuff and told him he had to be brutally honest. Over a few days he was. I have significant dates above, but he does not relate them In 2002 he started going to erotic massage parlours fairly regularly. So a progression from porn. After about 10 years one of the masseurs offered a sexual relationship. She was in a committed relationship with a woman but wanted a man for sex. Her partner was aware and approved. She was the age of our daughter or about 30 years younger. All were aware I was in the dark. This went on for 12 years! He said he didn’t want me to know cause I’d be hurt.. really! He also got Cialis cause he struggled with her. He said it was a lot at first, but I can see since 2015 (financial records) that it was 3 times per year, down to 2 times down to once in 2021 and again 2022. It was nice steakhouse dinners and expensive hotel rooms with a jacuzzi and king bed. I have not received any treatment like that in over 30 years. Doesn’t initiate celebrating anything.. not our anniversary. He Christmas presents have little thought. In fact he’s been a bit mean for a few years. I insist on date days once a week, but all ideas are mine. On that day I try to communicate and want to hear like/ dislikes. I also have sent him a few videos to watch, one is Esther Perel, the other is called Long Sex. He responses are yes, I see.
Since D. Day2 this year we did try a couple times. It wasn’t nice..I want intimacy and touch, I felt like he couldn’t touch me and it was about training me to give good hand job.. I told him about that and we are on hiatus til a planned vacation upcoming. I have found that I am not as asexual as labelled but I need affection. The weekly chats are not going well.He just wants to put it behind us and move on. It’s a new marriage. I agreed the old marriage is dead but we don’t want to repeat mistakes. He said he cares and if he didn’t he’d leave.. and it’s more than social,family, finances..he does care he says. I am seeing a counsellor alone occasionally as I have told no one and need to talk. If things aren’t better after the vacation he is amiable to go to couples counselling.he has said he wants intimacy too. He has been great about snuggling all night and brotherly kisses. That is nice but I’m insecure. When I said I’m 30 years older and not a professional he said not to worry about it.. I look better than most my age and the other doesn’t matter. But I don’t think he even looks at me.
I can’t talk to my friends so this was a perfect option to get it out. I just found out yesterday that my husband of 3 years has a side family since 2014. He and the other woman have been on and off since 2014!!!! So does that make our kids and me the side family???? Anyways she sent me a message and proceeded to tell me that they share 2 children together 1 of which is between our children and that they were together just this past weekend. He confessed everything and I asked for details because I need to know everything. She wants to meet because she wants to be with him but he is adamant he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her because if he did he wouldn’t have married me. It’s still so fresh I don’t know how to process any of it or what to do. I never saw this coming at all, mostly because I am open to poly arrangements and he didn’t have to lie about her. He could’ve had that situation with some caveats and we would’ve been fine. I’m at a loss now because 3 kids later and “building our life” I’m pretty devastated.
It's been helpful to land on a site that makes me feel like I'm not alone in my own internal world of hell. I can't say it's this first time, but this time it almost feels unbearable. Ive been in a relationship for about 10 years, not married ( another complicated topic) but settled for the love we had. I have 4 children from my first marriage, and when I met him 3 years later, I felt real love for the first time. I felt valued, seen, important and heard. He was financially stable and would always take me to new places , experiences, it was exciting but after a few months I noticed something was off. The fun, and exciting nights out were not so fun anymore as I wanted to now stay in and him to get to know my children, which I was sacrificing to spend time getting to know him. I remained silent, didn't want to lose him and so continued partaking. I soon became unhappy and complained about his drinking and partying which for a 35 year old didn't think should be that much of a problem but it was. I also soon started seeing red flags like him flirting with my friends and talking to them offline until they told me about it, and yet I stayed. I then met his mother for the first time as she walked into his home while we were making dinner, and as I am of another ethnicity and not Caucasian, when I went to shake her hand , she made me wait for what felt like the longest 30 seconds until she barely touched my hand. that was the only contact Ive never had with that woman who has never accepted me. I was excluded from thanksgivings,christmasts , birthdays and events because I was not allowed when she was there. she told him he had to break up with me or would not receive her inheritance, and he did leave me 6 months in. I was devastated, but 1 month later he came back and took him back. His cycle of drinking and partying never changed, and we were on and off again, as he discarded me when ever he found someone new or what I could only assume from what I saw. His friends and family all ridiculed me and treatedly me like I was a horrible human for not keeping him from going out, and dealt with never belonging and being treated like what felt garbage but still I accepted him and the small amounts of love he would give me because he told me one day we would move in, one day we would wed and one day... 5 years in, I sensed something was off, he was being avoidant, rude, and just treating me like I was worthless which Happened from time to time and I knew in my gut it was coming. we had just gotten back together 3 months earlier and he was hesitant of me putting up a photo and within an hour I received a text message on fb from a woman sending me her whole text from him and her. MY heart sank. That was betrayal #1. he had built an entire life with her online, talking to her on the phone but never in person. He even told her he was going to move her out to his Family Ranch where we live. I confronted him, he denied it until I showed it to him and walked out. For 4 days I ignored him and he plead mercy in every way he could, I let him back in. First mistake.
PT 2 Since that day he gained my trust stepped up as a father to my kids and finally started making an effort finally. we've had a few good solid years, and this past I was amazed at the sacrifices he made to be the hockey dad and give up summer and winter to be there for "our" kids. only part of me knew deep down he was resentful when his brother and friends kept pushing parties and festivals they wanted him to attend. It starts to resurrface. The last 6 week of my life have been hell. We had an argument because I felt insecure about his sister bringing around her best friend to their ranch all of a sudden all the time. I cooked birthday dinner all on my own for his sister her friends his brother and my partner. they all ate looked me in the eyes and complimented me like a friend would. I was kind in every way. That night he didn't want to leave his sister and her friend , had drank way too much and I had to drag him basically in a not so friendly way. It was inappropriate but I had to call him out. they thought it was funny. Since that night everything was different and I didn't know why. He became angry, annoyed, bitter, isolated me, ignored me, and wouldn't tell me why. I felt like a stranger in our home and day by day it was breaking me down, I felt disgusting Like I didnt matter, I started getting angry myself saying that If he didn't tell me what was going on I was leaving and I just wanted us to be happy and if it had to do with us ti just tell me. No he said no your not moving out, I love you, Its not about us, im never losing you. I believed. I became worried as it got worse he didn't want to leave his room, barely said a word to be, so I called his friend, Who without saying so gave me some advice and alluded to that in the past when he's behaved like that and had to settle down, he acted out with other women but that's not what he was saying of course he told me. I just knew in that moment.
I feel my blood pulsing, asked where we was and met him. I had no proof but asked how he had her contact info on his phone. his answer was " IDk" like a child. my heart sank. I didn't even know that he did but I caught him. I lost it. I dont know if I felt rage, incoherent, I think I just saw red. I started driving and said he was going to tell me everything. He denied and said SHE reached out to him and he never replied not once. I parked and decided to get the truth from the snakes which were his sister and woman herself ( her friend which I just knew). It was confirmed with in seconds, and the woman simply said " oh so you haven't moved out and aren't broken up" he deserves so much better than you, he's told me how unhappy you make him. " He denied it all, now saying he responded to 4 texts and that was it,, funny how the story changes. he'd never dare touch her, she was trashy and there has only ever been me and I've been all he's ever wanted, he wasn't losing us or our family. I was pulled over and screamed which then turned into a sob and he just watched. he sat still and said Nothing. I think my heart shattered more at the fact he just watched in silence without the need to comfort me after what he had done because, he said " I didn't do anything". I drove us back in silence and sobbing back home, I let him watch me pack my bag, where all he uttered was please dont leave, I shouldn't have talked to her, im sorry. and I had a friend pick me up and left. for 4 days I didn't come home, I got him saying he was sorry, loved me, please come home, which I eventually did ,mistake as I thought I was ready.
I came back, much too soon, as when I saw him I still had rage. He had no words for himself. and I proved and said what do you have to say? nothing. well maybe if you didn't come in here raging... I there our family picture from our mantle at the wall. I fell to the ground and sobbed. He had no remorse, no urgency to make things right, just sweep things under the rug. I was angry. nothing changed that evening I remember a blur and just staying in our spare room downstairs.
He was leaving to work away for 2 weeks, the next day, near the proximities of this woman may I add, and still nothing came from him. I told him this was over. he dismissed me and said " no its not, were not breaking up. ill be back in 2 weeks, ill fix things you'll see". the day he left, I called him on his drive and said I sent you a message please pull over and read it. It described the pain he's cause over the past 10 years, the betrayals, his family, and why I no longer wanted to be with him" he read it and said I told you we will talk, not breaking up I love you but I gotta get going. I hung up. I heard from him the next day via text saying good morning babe, hope you and kids and dog are well heart face, I didn't reply. Next text you and the kids are set up on our benefits now , no reply from me. Next text next day, kiss face, no reply. Last Thursday, a password for money he had sent me, I did not reply. Not only did that make me rage but it was the last message he sent me. Ive been attending counselling every week. but am a walking zombie most days. Its been a week today and 1 more to go until he gets back. and I feel im in a limbo.
PT 4 I know its best to keep no contact but when is the right time. I have so much to say but how could he be so cowardly to not have a single thing to say and just pretend he's left a family of 10 yrs at home no big deal. not thought in his day but I guess he most likely has his new object to fill him up. My pain is unbearable. I have this weight in my chest that doesn't go away. I can't eat most days. I go to the gym just to move but am barely there just an empty shell. My 13 year old son, sent him a text I was unaware of saying I just found out what you did to mom, she didn't deserve that she's an amazing person. You hurt all of us including my siblings and I. He also did not respond.
How can someone be so inhuman , how can you just detach from a family and live in a fantasy world and pretend its not there, or have to deal with it? and yet I am dying inside with it all barely functioning? I want to text him so bad and yell all these things, but what good? but truthfully I was want him to say something for himself.
IM stuck, Im living at the house thinking so what now? do I wait until he tells me he's back and ready to talk? maybe he wont come back and stay at his new womans, how can he be so callous? how do I move forward from this limbo so close to Christmas, Its my favourite season and haven't put up my tree. this likely wont be my home much longer. Should I say something?
Hope some of you may have some guidance, as I am incapable of movement and stuck in dark place that I feel I can't possible get out or bear this pain any longer.
Guys I need help and I can’t sleep- it’s 4am! I confronted my husband tonight who was wasting our money (I’m the homemaker) to Sugarbabies, a girl in Ukraine & to his ex overseas! He says he never had physical sex with them, only on videos/ texts. I partly can believe it as he has erection problems sometimes. but then he meets them at cafes & I dunno if he can perform that well under pressure (say if it was in a car) . I know these coz I went through their conversations & it was all about their anticipation of having sex. But there are sooo many girls he’s talking to on social platforms I’m convinced he had physical sex already. My trusted friend went through the same & told me these things happen. She advised me not to divorce for the sake of our 1 year old son, but make him accountable for everything & forgive him. I put the ball to his court & asked him if he wants a divorce but he said he doesn’t know as he was still overwhelmed about everything. He later suggested marriage counselling as part of him wants to be with our son. I also want to work this out. But my chest is so heavy from all the hurt of all the messages I saw. Particularly how he blatantly throws away money which our home actually needs. ðŸ˜ðŸ˜¢
Hi all, not sure if im posting this in the right spot! I just turned 35, my ‘husband’ is about to turn 41. We got married June 2021 after 8 years together. I found out I was pregnant in May of 2021. 3 months later my husband told me he had been sleeping with his coworker for the past 4 months. Not only that, but he loved her. I kicked him out of the house and he ended up going back home to California to be with his family/friends (we live in Illinois). I asked him to not contact me and told him I would reach out with any news about the baby, we didn’t talk much for 3 months. In September he reached out and wanted to set up calls with a marriage therapist so we could start talking again. We did that from Oct- December and had agreed that we would work on our marriage and give it another try. He had come back to Illinois in mid December and the baby came 4 days later, 4 weeks early. She is absolutely beautiful and is as healthy as can be. She didn’t need to spend any time in the NICU. She’s amazing and we’re obsessed with her!
He basically abandoned us (me and unborn baby) in the middle of my pregnancy. I know he is sorry and has finally realized the damage he’s done. He is working really hard to make things better and has gotten back into church and support groups through the church. I still love him and am having a hard time moving on from the ‘happy family’ picture that I have in my head. Am I crazy for giving him another chance?
To anonymous from Jan 8. Congrats on your baby! I am sorry you were pregnant while you found out about your affair. It’s hard enough to hear one life altering event but you had another soon after. Anyway, no one is crazy here except our delusional spouses when they choose to be in an affair. He claims he loved her. That isn’t love except of himself IMO. He loved how he looked in her eyes when all she probably did was praise him and never see the day to day behind the scenes of what a marriage looks like. If she loved him she would want him to be a better man and be home giving your pregnant feet massages. I digress. If you love him and want a different marriage and both of you are willing to put in the hard work then try to work it out and see where it takes you. Raising a child alone is not easy but neither is making the choice to stay. It’s good you kicked him out. You see it as abandonment but I see it as you took control and showed him that you won’t settle for his BS. I try to as my therapist says “flip the script” more and write a better story than what I was dealt. You can write your own story now. I wish you all the best of luck! Your baby has one strong momma! Let’s hope Dad can step up and be a good role model from here on out trying to prove to you that you deserve the new improved him. Change can happen.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years and 1 year married. I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago and that he had an emotional affair 6 months after we were married. His group of friends went on a bachelors trip and ended up with pr girls. One of them wanted him and he decided to keep in touch since meeting her on the trip. Someone sent me photos and videos of them FaceTiming when he was here and this went on for months. He says he did it because the opportunity happened and the whore would continuously message and call him. He said he felt guilty every time but his ego felt good that he was able to string this whore along and have her in love with him. He told her he missed her and loved her and even told her when he would be back in that country but this time with me and his family so they can’t meet. After he found out we were pregnant, he saw she had messaged again after months of him not replying. He said the last time he responded was a week before I found out and he decided to delete the secret app he used to talk to her but he also said I miss you and love you before “ghosting” her. I don’t know if he actually had intentions of ending things with her or it’s just because I caught him. We both said we had the best happy marriage and relationship and he was an idiot to step out of our marriage for nothing. He says that he will devote his life to prove to me he loves me and that this was a mistake. He wants to keep the baby but i don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know if I can over come this and ever forgive him for this. I feel like the last 16 years have been a lie and he ruined our bond forever. If I don’t keep the baby and end up staying with him, I’ll never forget this. But if I keep the baby and dont end up staying with him, I’ll be attached to him forever. A big part of me wants to end the pregnancy and just restart my life as I feel like I have the confidence and power to do that. Another part of me obviously loves his disgusting cheating ass and wants to make things work but I just don’t know if I can ever get over this. He says she meant nothing to him and that he never loved her but how can I even believe anything he says when he legitimately told her he loved her… he says he was just mirroring what she would say. I just don’t know what to do anymore and he was my best friend and the only person I find comfort in. I’m struggling because I want him to comfort and hold me yet I don’t want him to touch me. I need to decide soon what I’m going to do with the pregnancy…. Help :(
I found this website while I was looking for coping mechanisms. I have been reading stories for the last 2 weeks and I think I am finally ready to share mine. I found out a month ago that my husband of 3 years has been cheating on me. So he usually hung out with his friends every Saturday, and that was his alone time away from the baby and the family. That’s y I never suspected anything. One day when he was supposed to be off with his friends, I got onto his computer to check one of the places that we had been to earlier that day, I wanted to bookmark it for the future. When I was looking through the locations on google maps, I saw that he was currently in a totally different location. Far away from where he said he did be. That was suspicious and I opened up his messages to see what was going on. He had messaged his friend that he was gonna be late to his house and that he was busy with something. My heart sank, I pinged him to ask what he was doing and he said he was with his friends like he told me. Once he got home, I confronted him and he confessed that he had been doing stupid things. He swore that there was nothing physical but he just needed someone to talk to. We had a rocky marriage and things got pretty complicated after we had a baby but I never thought he would do something like this.
One week later I got into his Snapchat and saw that he was actually sexting a couple women and he had actually met up with one of them and had kissed her. I dint know what to do, I confronted him again and he looked very guilty and swore that was all he did and that he made a big mistake. He told me he had been on a dating site since the beginning of this year and he would never do that again and seemed pretty guilty.
And then a week later I found out that he has been on this dating app since 8 months, and he confessed that he had actually met up with 2 more women. He continues to swear that there was nothing physical but I don’t know what to believe anymore. If it was just me, I would have just left. But we have a 15 month old daughter and I don’t want her to be raised in a broken house. I am still processing what happened and am trying to understand how I feel about it. It’s such a traumatic experience and it’s sad that so many of us are going through this. I just want to move past this coz the pain is unbearable at times but it’s so hard. I am struggling to distract myself with work and the baby but the nights are especially hard !
So it was my children that discovered their father's betrayal. My youngest son was the one that finally told me. I was completely devastated. I felt like my world imploded. I wanted to get divorced immediately because cheating is a deal breaker for me. This was not the first time for me. My first husband cheated on me as well. And I ended it immediately. But that relationship was one child and three years in. My current marriage is four kids and 15 years in, almost 10 married. I felt broken, alone, hurt, betrayed, confused, and stupid. All while having to help my kids deal with what they found. I told them they can be angry but do not be disrespectful to him because he is still your father.
After a few days passed I felt like I was ready to talk to him again. We started by discussing what was initially going wrong in our marriage that lead up to what he did. Then we talked about rebuilding our marriage. I thought I was ready to rebuild but yesterday I found out that I can't process his affair and rebuild at the same time. We agreed to take a step back so I can process this. I was in a very bad place yesterday and I felt it was all overwhelming. Now I want answers and he feels like we aren't there yet. I hate this but I want my marriage. Why is this so hard?
DDay is March 16th. Just a little over 4 weeks. We’ve been married for 22 years. We have Two children and what most would consider a happy, healthy marriage. I NEVER imagined he would do this to us. I’ve read through the comments looking for anyone whose story is similar and haven’t found one yet.
He was just promoted at work and had to spend a lot of time out of town for work conferences. He was with a group of all men and one woman. I joked and teased about this woman with him and told him to be careful. Again, never had a reason to be jealous so I felt comfortable teasing him about her. On their last night at the work conference, the group went out to celebrate. My H is not a heavy drinker but says he had 6 Old Fashions after drinking several shots of tequila. He says that his room and the woman’s room were close to each other so they had to walk back to their rooms together. She then initiated a kiss which led to them going in her room and trying to have sex. He says he was so drunk he didn’t have time to think about what was happening. But before they actually had sex he was able to stop and leave. He cried and threw up when he told me. He has been patient and remorseful and understanding of all my moods. I believe he’s sorry and I believe he never wants to do that to me again. But I’m stuck on why he would do it in the first place. I am not sure I believe being drunk makes you forget you have a wife. I’m angry, sad, I feel naive. I knew this woman was there and never considered her a threat to my marriage. I love my husband and I believe he is a good person. I also know what happened could have been much worse. I’m just not sure I can ever trust him again.
I’ve been up all night reading these stories….. I hate that we are all going through this.
Here’s my story….. wondering if anyones “bounced back” after an 8 (!!!) year emotional/online affair? He Indy stars the intimate conversations were on and off but they spoke almost every single day. They’re coworkers in different locations.
I went look for proof to confirm a gut feeling. I found texts and endive - intimate in nature - on my husbands phone. We’ve been married for 13 years and have two daughters.
When confronted, he denied and reeled in more lies but eventually realized I’m not an idiot and fessed up. He swears he never physically touched this woman. He cut all ties (apparently) from her. I do believe that he has but I also believed he loved me and would never cheat do who really knows.
He’s answered all my questions and is giving me the time and space to express myself. He’s apologized. He says he was selfish and didn’t think about me. In the beginning of their affair, The other woman used to say stuff like “you’re married, are you sure you want to say this to me?”. Urgh……
It’s been 7 months since finding out. We’ve been doing couples therapy and I’m in my own therapy but I can’t picture ever overcoming this. Has anyone?
I also hold so much anger over the fact that he was a pretty crumby husband towards me even before knowing about the affair. Why did it take him getting caught to start treating me and our kids properly?
I guess I’m wondering if anyone’s overcome and 8 year long affair? I feel so broken… like I don’t know him or myself. I hurt for my kids…. I worry I’ll never be as full of life as I once was.
This is a super long post, but it's my way of getting it all out while asking for different points of view and understanding how others have dealt with this type of grief.
ReplyDeleteI've been with my husband for almost 9 years in all and we've been married for 5. 2 years into our relationship, I found out he was cheating on me. I ended it and cut off all contact, refusing to answer his texts or respond to his emails and FB messages. About a week later, he texted and asked me if I would answer his call and just hear him out. He said I could hang up after he was done talking but he really needed to talk to me. So I let him call and he was crying. I mean the kind of cry where you can't catch your breath. He told me how sorry he was and that he couldn't live without me. He said he would change all the negative parts about him(because there were several), and be the man I needed him to be. I made him tell me every detail about what he'd been doing and for how long. I told him we were at rock bottom and there was no need to hide anything, because this is the time to lay it all out.
So we moved on and our relationship grew even stronger. We got engaged 8 months later and married a year later. Life has been great and he is literally a changed man. His friends say it, his coworkers say it. Hell, even his mom says it.
Fast forward to now, which is 8 years since the incident, and I found out that during the time he was cheating, it wasn't just one girl. There were two. I confronted him and he confessed.
It feels like it just happened even though it was 8 years ago, because he lied when he had the chance to come clean. He said he didn't want to hurt me even more than he did at time. I struggle with the lie. I struggle with the fact that he was able to keep it for this long and sleep at night.
I constantly want to have sex with him and I think I'm looking for this moment that will reconnect us and make it all better, but it never happens. I wind up feeling empty and alone.
I think the hardest thing for me is the lie. I knew he cheated way back then and to be honest, it could have been with a dozen women. But the lie is what hurts the most, or at least that's what I think. I'm so confused and wonder if I'm overreacting.
Camilla,
DeleteI'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. Let's start with, no, you're not overreacting. You are reacting exactly like a woman in love who gave a guy a second chance only to discover that he had lied to her and never came completely clean. You have been betrayed and that hurts deeply.
And yes, for a lot of us the lying is the most painful part. It's so...intentional.
As for the emptiness after sex, yes, I understand that too. We want to reconnect and so we seek out intimacy. But until you feel truly emotionally safe, then that emptiness will likely remain.
And that's where the work for both of you is -- if you choose to stay married. To create a relationship in which you ARE emotionally safe. In which you can trust that he will tell you the truth even if it hurts, even if he risks losing you. He will tell you the truth and you will do likewise because that's what we owe the people we love. Honesty. Integrity. Respect.
Can he offer that? I don't know. But that's where the recovery work is.
As for you, a lot of us experience post-trauma in the wake of betrayal. And that's often why, when it happens again, or we learn of new details, suddently it feels immediate again. It's like it's happening RIGHT NOW even though it might have been months/years ago. And the thing is, for you, it IS happening right now. You are learning of the additional betrayal (the lying) right now. It doesn't matter that it actually happened years ago.
If you don't already have a therapist, I hope you'll get one to help you process this pain. You will get past this, Camilla. Just like you did before. But it takes work and time and a whole lot of self-care.
Hi Camilla! Thank-you for sharing and I am so sorry for what has brought you to BWC, but am glad that you found BWC! You are not overreacting, not one single bit. He has fed you crumbs of information to suit his needs, not yours. It sounds like he was too afraid to lose you by spilling everything, so he fed you what he thought you could handle. I am so sorry. What if it was more than two? three? ten? Please consider this is a distinct possibility. Some of these males are repeat offenders. Even when I confronted my rotten cheating wasband with facts that I discovered, he tried to dodge and weave and continued to lie. It was like pulling teeth from a donkey. His guilt/shame and need to continue to lie/cheat/have secrets were greater than my mental well-being and feeling safe in the marriage. No-one gets to do that in my life, not anymore. Period. We are separated over two years now, and I find out he still has his secret flings, and he still denies it, even when faced with facts. He is a coward and has not spared me with his lies. I have heard from therapists that from D-Day, full disclosure is necessary. Horrid, but necessary. But many of these cheaters hide their lies and us women find out more and more horrible things in dribs and drabs, it is like being wrapped in a giant bandaid and having it slowly and continually pulled off. When does it stop? btw your post is not super-long, my reply is!! I am so sorry. This is a rough road to walk on. Perhaps counselling? can there be a CIA type of interrogation for these guys, to make them tell the truth?? is that what it takes? At the end of the day, you need to be ok. So please take care of yourself, trust your intuition/instincts/gut feelings and let us all know how you are??? big hugs.....
DeleteMarried over 40 yes. 4 mths ago caught husband cheating with married 31 yr old. I am 59 and he is 61. I'm devastated. Crushed beyond words. Took pills and drank the night I found out. Other woman told me everything. How she lived him and wanted him to run away with her. Since found out this is her M O. Seduces older men. She's certifiable. Spike to her husband. Found out about criminal past etc. Blows my mind that my husband, retired police, was stupid to fall for narcissistic slut. He was my soulmate, at least he said for all these years. Wants me to forgive. How can I ? I'm lost and so sad. My heart is broken. He said he was not himself, depressed over his life . Was upset over not being successful and where he wanted to be at this stage in his life. Had nothing to do with love for me. Says he was selfish and wishes he never did it. I feel So Betrayed. Can't breathe.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteOh sweetie. The pain. I know the pain. I know the not being able to breathe. I know the pills and the alcohol and the desire to obliterate myself. To not have to feel.
But please please hang on. The world needs you. Cause here's the absolute truth: He didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. He's telling you the truth. He's telling you he's broken and he did something horribly stupid. He's right. He has betrayed the person he loves in the worst possible way. And he needs to figure out exactly why. That's HIS job. To get therapy and get clear on what the hell he was doing.
Your job, Anonymous, is to save yourself. To heal yourself. To, right now, be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you'd treat a beloved friend going through such pain. Remind yourself that you are incredible. That you are loyal. That you did NOTHING to deserve this.
As for forgiveness, that might come if you see him work his ass off to become a better man. But it won't come right now. Nor should it. You can, if you want to, agree to give him the chance to show you that he will NEVER do that to you again. (But you can also walk away. Your choice. And you get to make it whenever you're ready. Now. Later. Your choice.)
But know this, Anonymous: If you do the work of healing yourself, whether he stays or go won't affect your happiness because you will know that it's an inside job. It takes time. That's the bad news. The good news is you're going to be okay. Fight like hell for yourself, Anonymous, because you are worth it.
I found about about my husband's online affair several years ago, like in February 2004. Two kids, trying the keep the household together, etc. and that brings us to today. I still haven't dealt with my feelings and, not sure how I feel at all. I don't trust my husband to this day. Even after the first affair, i'll call it, he continued at least one other "affair". We talked about 3 months ago about how I really was ready to walk. I have a very hard time talking about things and it just all came out one day. I explained how I felt. I explained how I didn't feel, i.e. like I didn't love him. Bottom line, he said he would like to work things out but if I wasn't willing to let things go, i.e. forgive and forget for a lack of better words, it wasn't going to work. I agree with that, if I can't let it go, I really don't see how it works. I just don't know how to let it go. I've read a lot about limiting talking about it, moving forward, etc. but I don't really have the tools to do that. I said this to him, that since he broke it, he could find the marriage counselor if he was serious about working it out. I realize that wasn't probably the best response but it was my response. Like I said, this conversation was about 3 months ago. Today, I asked my husband if he found a counselor, his response: OMG, I completely forgot. Of course, my response was well, if you really don't want to work it out, that is how you feel, it is what it is. He said I just forgot. This whole thing has been constantly on my mind, day in and day out, how do you forget? But he said he wants to work it out. He sends me 3 links for possible counselors in our area. That was how he looked for a counselor. I really am at a loss. I'm not really to work it out but I have to say, I don't know if I can. I am thankful for your blog. I have started reading it but felt the need to post this comment. My own blog of sorts. I started journling but my entries are so negative. I don't journal every day but when I do, it's at a time when I'm at my lowest. Anyway, thank you for blog. I will read away, looking to point myself in the right direction that's right for me.
ReplyDeleteWanda,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what has happened to you. And yes, I can imagine it's hard to know how you feel when, I suspect, your feelings have never been given much space.
What I hope for you is that you find a counsellor for YOU. Not a couples counsellor at this point (and yes, I agree that it's his job to arrange that. I don't buy the "forget" excuse.). I want you to find a safe space where you can begin to explore how you feel, what you want and how you are going to achieve that. I want you to have someone who will push you into some discomfort but in a safe space with support -- I have a hunch that you have lived most of your life unable to share your feelings even with yourself. It's time to get to know yourself, Wanda. You are undoubtedly an amazing person who is FAR too hard on herself.
Keep journalling and don't censor yourself. You are most definitely allowed to be "negative" when you are going through the agony of betrayal. Put all your feelings on the page. Let them out. They deserve your respect.
And please...find yourself a therapist who will support you in this.
I am 29 years old and I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old. February 19,2021 I found out my husband was cheating on me with an old classmate from high school that is also married and has kids. I was looking through my T-Mobile bill and I started looking thru his call history and there was a number that he kept calling and they would spend hours on the phone together every single day.. He even called her on our anniversary and Valentine’s Day I can’t even tell you how much I am hurting I feel like my world is falling apart.. As soon as I called him I confronted him straight away and he didn’t deny it.. I asked him who it was and he didn’t want to tell me anything I could only get so little out of him.. So I called her and the skank of course didn’t answer me because he had already warned her. I told her to leave my husband alone and asked her who she was but of course that coward couldn’t even answer me. I was going to leave with my kids because I didn’t want to be in this house anymore because he told me she had been there when I was at work.. I hate him so much I can’t believe he did that to me I loved him so much I gave up everything to be with him I struggled hard I helped him get through school I would do everything and anything for him I can’t believe that he hurt me this bad. I told him in order for me to stay he had to call her in front of me and tell her it was over but he didn’t want to because he said that was too embarrassing so he just sent her a text telling her not to ever contact him again and he was changing his number but that’s just not good enough for me. I feel like maybe it’s all just a plot so that they make me believe that it’s over when it’s really not.. The first few days were rough I couldn’t sleep all night and I would cry and I wouldn’t eat.. Then I would just talk shit to him at night and make things worse..I’m trying to stop but I can’t stop thinking about it and my stomach feels like it has knots and then I just feel so enraged I feel like I lost all my twenties just so I could be with someone who doesn’t love me.. Then two weeks after everything happened that dumb skank text me and told me not to worry about her and my husband that it was a mistake and she would never contact him again and that she had already moved on with someone else.. She reopened my wounds right back up I freaking hate her so much there are so many men out there why did she want mine she has no self respect or dignity.. I just hope I can start healing now I’m trying to work on myself he said the reason why he did it was because I let myself go and we weren’t having a lot of intimacy and that I never wanted to hangout with him but we have three kids I’m literally always tired and I have a full time job.. My dad also passed away from COVID a few days before my bday so that made really depressed and of course I gained quarantine pounds but idk I just feel like that’s not an excuse for what he did. I just have no one to talk to about this I don’t want my friends or family to judge me
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI am so so sorry for what you're going through. But here's the thing: You don't have to tell us how deep the pain is because we know. We've been there. We know the sleepless nights, the shit-talking at all hours, the rage, the agony, the insecurity. We know it all.
Which is to say, everything you're feeling right now is perfectly normal under the circumstances. And it's also to say, you won't feel like this forever.
But...right now, you hold the power. YOU get to decide what happens going forward. If he even wants you to consider staying in this marriage, he needs to get over his "it's too embarrassing" to call the OW and start taking his marching orders from you. What do you need for reconciliation? Well, you probably need access to any/all devices to ensure that he's NOT in contact with her (or as sure as you can ever be). You likely need him to get his ass into therapy so that he can begin to understand why he risked his entire family for a woman who doesn't matter. He needs to learn how to articulate his own needs/wants in a way that's respectful and honest. And, I suspect, you need to do the same. We moms tend to take on so much, feel somewhat resentful that we're taking on so much (even though we absolutely love our children -- I have three too and it is WORK). And then to lose your dad!! I'm so so sorry.
But here's another thing that I want you to absorb into your bones: He didn't cheat because there's anything wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. His job is to fix it. Yours is to heal yourself, which begins with learning to prioritize your own care. If you honestly do feel like you've "let yourself go", what do you need to feel good again? Hikes with friends? Time to read a book? Figure it out and then build it into your life. You matter, Anonymous. Your needs matter.
His do too. But he doesn't get to throw a temper tantrum by cheating.
You'll find a lot of incredible wise, compassionate women here. Let us guide you forward. But I hope you'll also get to a place where you can tell trusted friends and family what's happened to you without shame. You did nothing wrong. His cheating wasn't an indictment of you. And you get to decide what to do going forward. There are, literally, millions of us in this club we never wanted to join. Welcome.
My story is like so many others. I never saw it coming, we had talked before we were married, having both been cheated on before, and we swore we'd never cheat on each other. He came from an unconventional family that he was always a little ashamed of and I knew he craved a traditional family unit. This year is our 10th anniversary, we have three daughters aged 8, 5, and 2.
ReplyDeleteDD1 was Feb 12. I was sorting our family photos on my laptop trying to put a photo book together for his mom. His file of photos was a mess because he takes a million pictures of the same thing, saves every meme and never deletes screenshots. Well that's what got him caught. I found sexy selfies and genital pics that had never been sent to me, then screenshots of his profile on kik and of the groups he was in and other conversations. Spoiler alert kik is a hook up app in case you were like me and completely in the dark about these things. That night after he was asleep I tried to go on his laptop to look through the pictures on there but I couldn't get on, his password was changed. So I tried his phone and was in luck, the passcode wasn't even on. I looked through everything ending with the kik app. On there were 3 conversations with women and multiple groups he was in like curvy girls, friends with benefits, amature videos. After looking through them all I found out he was sexting, sending and receiving videos and pictures, and had 'only managed to meet up with TJ a handful of times in the last 3 years, stupid covid' (he had said this to someone else). He had said to TJ and two others that I was taking the kids to see my parents at Easter and he hoped they could work something out for then. I looked through his phone all night, packed a suitcase, made valentines for my kids and wrote them a note saying I was going to be really busy at the hospital all weekend and wouldn't be home. Checked in to the hotel at 7am, sent a text telling him I knew and I wouldn't be home till Monday night after my shift and that he should figure out what he wanted. He called and in my sleep deprived state I answered. His first questions: What do you know and have you told anybody. It was so disappointing. He begged me to come home so we could work it out I said no. I tried to work that weekend and ended up having to be off sick. Because it was a weekend it was a scramble to get coverage and everyone knows I was off for mental health reasons. And that makes me so angry, that he's done this to me and I come off looking weak or that I just became depressed and stressed out of the blue. I went home Sunday instead to talk after the kids were in bed. He said it started 4 years ago, sexting, admitted it was cheating, swore that he met TJ twice at a bar in group settings and once in his truck where he couldn't get it up because he was scared. He obviously hated himself, was very remorseful, he looked like crap, hadn't slept or ate and admitted he had a plan to hang himself in the garage Monday evening before I got home from work - so the kids wouldn't be left alone but wouldn't find him. I took this seriously and immediately put my feelings away and took care of him. I took him to urgent care the next day (Family day ironically) and he was assessed, sent home with sleeping pills and a referral to sex addiction counseling. He was a lot calmer after talking to the counselor that day. And I told him I didn't want to divorce without trying to rebuild first. So now he could see a way forward. I wanted to comfort him, I also started having HB and we were intimate that week. I continued to ask if it was everything, if he was telling the truth and he continued to swear up and down and on my life that it was. (cont)
DD2 was two weeks later. I asked for his laptop, realizing I still hadn't looked at it. I sat there going through all his photos, being disgusted with the offensive and sexual memes he had saved. And the very next picture would be of one of our girls and I just thought how can you have this sh*t when you have 3 girls? My oldest is the same age I was when I started looking at my friend's dads porn mags, I grew up thinking that was what sex was, that was what women were supposed to be and do. Anyway he was just sitting beside me looking like a ball of misery, I should've suspected but it took me watching a video of him having sex with her about 5 times for me to believe it. There were 5 or 6 videos and multiple pictures, with different date stamps. He admitted yes they had sex, it was in her trailer at her farm, only once they had sex and twice after that it was 'just a blow job'. Again up all night asking him everything, going through absolutely everything on his laptop. I told him I wanted him to actually do something and got him to download an audiobook called Out of the Doghouse. I went to work that day and made it till after lunch, when I broke down to my coworker and she sent me home. The next day he started listening to the book. I could tell he was determined to say something that evening so I finally sat there and said so? what is it?
ReplyDeleteDD3 He calmly sat and laid out a timeline of how it all started 7 years ago. A friend of his from way back asked him to use kik to text as she didn't have a cell plan. She's always had a thing for him and she told him, he liked the ego boost and they started sexting. He said that was on and off for a couple of years then she left kik and he found all the other groups and people. He said it was all a make believe life, just talking each other up and getting ego boosts all the time. Plus he was bored with porn, it was too fake for him and this was exciting. He met TJ 5 years ago, met her at a bar once, was comfortable with her so they had sex 3 years ago and then twice he got BJs from her after that. The first time he met her for sex was when we were trying to conceive our youngest! He said she's married with 4 kids and her and her husband have permission to sleep with other people. Must be nice, I thought, that her husband got a say in their sex life. He said there's been times he tried to stop, but it didn't last long. He also admitted some of his thinking like he would resent going out of town or camping because he knew I wouldn't sleep with him with the kids in the room, or if he did a chore he would be resentful that he didn't get rewarded with sex. It's so messed up. I honestly didn't really believe it was sex addiction till I went on his laptop and saw all these things. He has so much shame, he wants to do whatever is necessary to change, he hates the life he was living and honestly right now he hates himself. His first counseling appointment isn't for another 2 weeks.
I haven't been coping well. I got written off for 2 weeks from work and my doctor put in a referral for counseling for me. I tried my work counseling but got tired of hearing 'take a bath' when I can't cope. Like a mom of 3 young kids gets to do what she needs to when she needs to. I have my first appointment with another counselor in two weeks. I started drinking, I know I shouldn't and I haven't in 3 days because the last time I did I self injured. When I don't feel numb I feel like garbage. When we talk be both just cry and feel ashamed. I'm starting to really resent his hang dog attitude but I know if he acts normal I'll hate that too. We both feel like we're just faking life right now and struggling.
Oh and we're listing our house this week, staging it and moving stuff into storage because we're building a house and we take possession soon, a house we can't afford if we divorce. And I have my STD test on Thursday. I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep.
Anonymous, my heart is breaking for you. Your story, sadly, sounds pretty familiar. But it's YOU I'm worried about. He either will or won't get his shit together (I hope he will!) but whatever he does, I want you to know that you are worth fighting like hell for. You are worth doing everything you need to do to get yourself back on solid ground. I, too, had three young kids when I found out. What I want you to do is figure out how to carve out time so that you can a) see a therapist regularly who can help you process this and b) find the space to cry/scream/exercise/drive/listen to music...whatever you can do to take care of yourself.
DeleteThis is possibly the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Betrayal is such a deep primal wound and when we discover that our partner, the person we trusted, was like a stranger, it's destabilizing. Our world suddenly doesn't make sense.
I promise you that's a temporary feeling. YOU make sense. YOU are stable. And, as much as it sucks that you have to do this, you can be the foundation on which your kids continue to stand. Because this is destabilizing for them too, even if they don't quite understand what's happening.
So let them be your reminder of your worth and your importance and the necessity that you save yourself.
Start with a therapist. A safe space where you can begin to figure out where you go from here.
And, when it all feels too much, try to just focus on the now. What do I need now? How can I care for myself now?
At the risk of sounding puritanical, please don't drink right now. As you note, you can do things that harm yourself. But it's also a slippery slope. (I come from a long line of alcoholics.) Yes, the pain can feel overwhelming. But trust me when I say that you are stronger than it is. It will feel like it might consume you but then it will crest and recede.
We have all been where you are, Anonymous. And many MANY of us have come through to the other side. You will too. I don't know what that will look like for you but if you continue to treat yourself gently and kindly and with respect, you will be just fine.
We are getting married in May. I just found out that he was having an online sexual relationship with a girl that is almost 10 years younger than us by looking through his phone. I found pictures and videos of him pleasuring himself that I know were never sent to me. When I confronted him about it, he admitted he messed up and told me that he wanted to work things out and would be honest about everything. He told me it's been going on since January, but it only started as a friendship. They would only text and talk on the phone a couple days a week and he would never talk to her while I was around. He doesn't have any friends and sought out a friendship online. She started sending him naked pictures of herself and he said he was weirded out, but didn't want to lose her as a friend, so he called her beautiful, pretty, and other flattering names. He started sending pictures and videos back, but only when she asked. He told me he never asked for her to send him pictures either. He would get off at work and at home (before I came home from work), but says he wasn't attracted to her, it was just porn to him. He said he never loved her or cared about her, it was just free porn. However, he told me that when she would send him pictures of her naked, he would already be aroused from thinking about me. He imagined the pictures of her body were mine. He assured me that he would only be getting off to me or a scene that he made up in his head of us and the videos/pictures he sent her were just a heat of the moment thing and he only sent them because she requested them.
ReplyDeleteI'm very hurt. I feel unattractive, unlovable, and confused. Why would he do this? Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I never imagined he would stoop this low. We both have been cheated on in the past, so if he knows how it feels, why do it to me? Did he not love me enough? What's wrong with me?
We had a serious talk and agreed that we should be transparent and have open communication about everything. I have free access to his phone (even though I feel weird going on to look at it). We talked about why he did this and agreed that he didn't set boundaries with this girl because he desperately wanted a friend and it led him to cheat. We agreed that he needs to have set boundaries before starting a friendship and if that person has broken a boundary, he needs to speak up about it. If the friend doesn't want to respect his boundaries, then they don't deserve him as a friend. He has also set up an appointment for sex addiction therapy. If he likes the therapist, we will set up couples counseling with her as well. We are currently working out some issues through an app called Lasting. He has been completely honest so far and has promised none of this will ever happen again because he saw what it has done to me and because he regrets ever doing it.
Both of our families know what happened. Since we've already paid for everything for our wedding and honeymoon, his parents offered to pay us back for everything if we decide to cancel. My parents don't want me to go through with the wedding because they're afraid it'll happen again.
I want to marry him. I love him and I think if we continue to have transparency and open communication, we can have a relationship stronger than before. Am I wrong for not canceling the wedding?
Anonymous,
DeleteI can't tell you whether or not you should cancel your wedding. That is your choice to make. I would encourage you to postpone it. I think you deserve to feel as certain as you can on your wedding day that you are making the best choice for you. I want that for you.
In the meantime, I'm glad you're seeking counselling. I think it matters less that your boyfriend "like" the counsellor than that the counsellor will work with him. If I were you, I would insist that he get counselling no matter what. Of course, if it's a really bad fit, then it's reasonable to get another counsellor.
I would also encourage you both to get counselling no matter what. Your boyfriend's explanation about what happened sounds a bit iffy to me. He KNEW what he was doing was wrong because he made a point of not doing it when you were around. And that is the easiest rule to have: If you wouldn't do something with your partner right beside you watching, then you shouldn't be doing it at all.
As for your own feelings of being unattractive, etc., it's pretty normal to feel that until you understand that his cheating was about HIS issues, not yours. In other words, he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him. Something that he will address in therapy.
I hope when and if you do go through with the wedding, it is with a clear head and clear heart.
Run away as fast as you can! He’s NOT worth it!
DeleteMy husband's betrayal is a very long story. It all started May 2019,I felt he was cold at me so I asked him,he frankly said that he is falling out of love. I was so depressed and so hurt. By June 2019 he said he wants to save our marriage. But the hurt is still there. By 3rd week of August 2019 he wants us to separate,to break up. He said he doesn't love me anymore. I was so devastated and hurt. By last week of August 2019 I just tried to check his phone,but to my surprise,I saw he has been chatting with a girl. I confronted him about this,he said it's none of my business because we are separated. So I chatted the girl,she said she has a boyfriend and that my husband has been the one chatting her. By September 2019 I found out that he has been chatting to so many younger girls way back Oct 2018 until that day. There is this one girl I randomly chatted,she said my husband has been chatting her every other day,that days she was telling me is my husband's duty in his work meaning he chats and flirts to girls while on duty on 2018. I was so hurt and depressed. I also found out he has been using a dating app to flirt to girls. By Dec 2019 I found out he has been flirting again with a 22 year old girl,the girl said my husband told her he is single and that age doesn't matter. Me and my children left him but the next day he went to my mother's house and picked us up and promised he will never do it again and we start over again. We reconciled. After 2 months I felt again that he has been cold again to me. His next addiction was porn. And whenever we fight he hurts me physically in front of my children. By Oct 2020 we have regular fights almost weekly. On Nov 18,2020,when he knew we were running away again,he didn't go home,he went straight to his parents home. He said he wants to find himself and wants to figure out where he is happy. By Dec 2020 was the most shocking,I saw in his messenger that he was chatting a familiar girl,she was one his chatmates on 2018. And on their conversation I found out that they had an affair 2 years ago. My husband searched her again to flirt and to say he missed her (FYI the girl is engaged and she had a boyfriend while having an affair with my husband). My body trembled,I can't cry,I am so angry and disgusted. My doubts before were now answered,why my husband is always mad at me that time,why he changed his hairdo and clothing style and why he puts effort to make his body bulkier. I chatted him all my anger,all my hate. By January 2021,when I am more calmer,we had a chance to talk. That is the time he said sorry. And that is the time I found out they had sex. I told him to fix our family for our children but he refused,he still wants to find himself and find his true happiness. He also wants us just to be friends. I got angry. By Feb 2021 he said that it is over between us. Until now he is still living with his parents. But I was so confused to him. I had told him so many times to give me space,no communication and no visiting to the children. But he found ways to visit the children or chat me. But sometimes he said that I should accept that we are already separated. But it has been weeks now,he regularly visits my children,he even celebrated his birthday in our home,he also regularly messages me from good morning until good night and to eat our meals. That's why I am so confused. I still love him and prays for him to go home. But I see that he is contented with our set up and I have guts that he flirts to various girls,I even have a gut that he is still communicating with his mistress. What should I do,should I fight for my husband or should I move on and start a new life with my kids. Thank you very much!
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But the sad truth is that your marriage is over and, honestly, you are better off without him. He is abusive -- physically and emotionally. What I wish for you is that you will seek therapy to overcome the pain of his betrayal and his abuse. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. I hope you will give that to yourself and to them.
Here is my story.....I have been married for 26 years. We have one daughter who is about to turn 18. I met my husband when I was 15 and moved in with him when I was 17 almost 18. We got married when I was 19 and he was 22. We had what everyone would call a "perfect" marriage. No fighting, no jealousy. We had invetro to have our daughter due to infertility issues. Things were great. A few years ago, I moved out of our bedroom into the guest room. My husband snores really loud and keeps the tv on loud as well. We also quit having sex. I though in all honesty he was impotent because his Dad was at his age. So I never questioned it. I have never had a high sex drive, so it really didnt bother me so much. We still held hands, kissed, spent time together. He owns his own business and hired girls here and there to work for him. I was never concerned. Our anniversary was at the end of November. He got me flowers like normal. But things felt off. He was on his phone more often and would shut it off when I walked past. He was staying out later than normal and a few times didn't come home and said he drank too much and stayed at his office. I was getting suspicious and he told me I was crazy. On Christmas morning, I found him outside face timing with someone and he quickly stopped when I walked outside. I asked him if it was his girlfriend and he laughed. The day after Christmas, he was in the shower so I found his phone and saw he was messaging a girl and telling her he was divorcing me. Come to find out, he was having sex with a girl who worked for him, who was 18 years younger than him. She is NOTHING like me or what I thought he liked. He told me that he felt neglected and felt like he was less than a roommate to me and this girl showed him attention. I was devastated and asked him if we could fix it? He said he didn't know. He wrote me a long message about how it was basically all my fault and he has been unhappy for a long time. I told him I would fix it and change. I started by making his favorite dinners for him, sleeping in bed with him (no sex, but he would put his arm around me) and just trying to connect more. We were going on dates. A week later I found out he was still sleeping with her. She called me. She told me he told her he was falling in love with her and she was the woman of his dreams. She gave me alot of intimate details I didn't want to know and sent me pictures of the two of them together. The next morning he asked me to go for a drive with him, and told me he decided he wants to choose me and ended it with her for good. He said he wants me to not bring her up anymore and for us to move on and forget about her and work on us. Easy for him right? It hasn't even been 3 months since it was officially over and I can't bring it up or even get sad without him getting upset. He says we can't move forward if I keep looking back. I am still so devastated. I never thought he could or would ever do this to me. I told him I need alot of assurance and affection. He does it for a few days, then gets a little distant until I remind him what I need. I just don't know what to do or if I made the right decision by staying. I feel like I am being punished everyday and he is being rewarded. I treat him like a king and I am so afraid he will do it again. I want my marriage to work, but I just don't know what to do.
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. It's excruciating, I know.
I'm concerned about your situation for a few reasons. For one thing, HE betrayed YOU and yet he's the one setting the rules for reconciliation? Not okay. He "chose" you? Ummm....he actually chose you many many years ago when he married you. And he had an obligation, if he was unhappy, to speak with you about it, not to start sleeping with an employee.
So, the way I see it, he should be down on his knees begging you to consider staying with him.
It sounds as though there's a serious power imbalance in your relationship. He sets the rules, you follow them. And that is NOT going to work in terms of rebuilding a marriage after infidelity. There is such deep pain and there can be such deep resentment that if he refuses to allow you to talk about your pain, if her refuses to allow you to hold him accountable for the pain he caused, then your marriage might "survive" but it certainly won't feel very good.
What I would do if I was you is tell him that you are willing to consider giving him a second chance but that he needs to show you that he deserves it. He needs to be willing to seek couples counselling with you, he needs to be willing to allow you access to his phone or e-mail or however else he communicates with these girls. He needs to show you that he is deeply sorry for the pain he's caused to you. Because you did NOT deserve this. And you certainly don't deserve to be treated like you're lucky that he still wants to be with you. HE should consider himself lucky that you haven't thrown him out.
I don't mean to sound harsh but, Michelle, what he is doing to you is absolutely NOT acceptable. He betrayed your trust. He broke his vows. And he needs to learn from this or he needs to go.
Hi Elle. My husband ended his affair after almost 5 years. He was a minister and we lost our life's work, all the respect we had in the community, our friends, our jobs, and he lost the respect of his children. We have reconciled and things are going well. We're only 9 months out but he has recommitted himself to God and to me. Yesterday I got a message from the other woman, a woman half his age who is married and has a child and who is, of all things, a success coach! LOL! It said, Hi, I don’t know if you will receive this message since it may end up in a spam folder. But I felt compelled by the Spirit to reach out to you. I know that I am probably the last person on earth that you would want to hear from and I won’t message you again, unless you want a dialogue. I’m so sorry for the suffering and grief you have felt these recent years. I won’t make excuses but will simply say that I harbor no ill will towards you and wish you all the blessing of God, that I know he has in store for you. I have read your blog and seen your posts on Hiking and Backing PA and can tell you, we aren’t all that different in many respects. I hope you can find forgiveness in your heart for me, but if not, that would be fair too. If you ever want to talk, I would be open to that. Best wishes." My question is, do I respond to this? And if so, how do I respond? I certainly don't feel that she is really taking responsibility for her actions because she didn't say she was sorry for the pain she caused, just that she was sorry that I had so much pain. And what is with comparing herself to me and thinking that we are similar? I'm nothing like her nor do I want to be. I don't need anything that she is! I also feel as if this letter was more to clear her own conscience than to really apologize to me. What do you think? I really don't know what to do.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI think there's little, if anything, to gain from having any sort of conversation with this woman. As you note, she doesn't express remorse for the pain she caused you. She seems to think that she's being a big person by reaching out to you, by pointing out that you two are alive (yuck!), etc. I think your instincts are right -- she wants to clear her conscience, she's had a come-to-Jesus moment and needs to feel somehow cleansed of what she did without doing the really hard work of acknowledging the pain she caused and accepting responsibility.
So...I think you do actually know what to do. I would delete the e-mail and carry on with living the life you're rebuilding with your husband.
Besides, what, exactly, would you "talk" about?
ReplyDeleteMy betraying husband had a 7 year long term affair with a colleague. Sorry this such a long post. But it was a long affair. My husband was laid off from his job when the company he worked for imploded and laid off 70% of their workforce. We had three children (ages 1, 3, 6). After a 7 month job search, BH landed a new job that was better than the one he left. The hitch: it was in another city that was 1.5 hr commute away. We decided I would stay home with kids to enable this job and remain in our community. I was proud of him for landing on his feet so well. If anyone had told me that he would be entering an affair within 5 months I would have laughed at them. I was happy in my marriage and my life. Coaching my oldest daughter’s soccer team, volunteering as a literacy teacher, training for a half marathon, 3 small and wonderful children-life was busy but good. BH claims he was happy in our marriage but unhappy in himself. Feeling like a failure because of job loss, terrified of failing in new role, very low self-esteem, hating the commute but not verbalizing any of this to anyone, least of all himself. Along comes AP, senior to him in organization. He didn’t report to her directly but needed her approval on initiatives and projects within the organization for him to succeed at his role. AP asks BH out to lunch, had requested special table set apart from other diners (she admitted to this later). Flatters him, tells him how she can help his career, she will guide him to success, how smart he is, how well dressed he is, how attractive he is, how unhappy she is in her marriage. BH knew all of this felt wrong but also felt so good to have the attention. So lunches, coffees, much dropping by into his office ensues, culminating in her confession of attraction to him. Culminating in her kissing him while on a lunchtime walk. Culminating in her sending a text that reads: want to play hooky? Followed by hotel address. BH texts back: yes. And so it began. And I was so very oblivious. Within 2 months she had introduced him to ‘kinky’ sexual practices and he felt addicted to the sex. BH claims he was NOT looking for affair and every time he promised himself it would never happen again. But within 6 months they were meeting 1-2x per week in hotels. BH claims by this time he actively disliked her, wanted out but ‘couldn’t’ stop. AP had isolated him at work, stopped him from forming productive working relationships with others and said poisonous things about all his colleagues, causing him to regard everybody with mistrust. He felt he needed her to survive in his job. He felt addicted to the sex. Meanwhile he had begun to hate himself and his self-esteem sunk even lower as he filled up with shame and self-loathing. He would shove it all down and come home, convincing himself that what I didn’t know wasn’t hurting me. Except he began to disconnect from me, from our beautiful joyful children, our community. He became cold and withdrawn. As the years went on and the affair went on he became verbally and emotionally abusive. And I felt like I was drowning. My life had gone from wonderful to horrible and nothing I did seemed to help. Sometimes my husband would come back to me and things would be good for a while and then things would sour again. By the 4th year of the affair I was desperate but could not conceive of a life without my husband. I thought I just had to weather the storm and we would somehow make it through. But then my husband came home one day and said he didn’t love me, that he wanted a divorce, that he couldn’t go on this way. Devastated and desperate to save my marriage, I refused and insisted on marital counselling. He went but was non-compliant and angry in sessions. Counsellor asked him: are you having an affair and he said no. His AP had meanwhile been discovered in the affair. She lied and told her husband it was only 1 year. They divorced and she applied very strong pressure to BH to leave me.
Part 2: He would say horrible, damaging, soul-destroying things to me. I became a nervous shadow, no self-esteem, never knowing what criticism was coming my way. And yet, at times my real husband came back. He was his old self. Especially on vacations. And I would have hope but then he would leave and the abusive controlling stranger would be back. Whenever I mustered up strength to say he had to leave (he constantly threatened to leave but then would not), he would snap, grab me, shake me, leave bruises and then would be weeks of good behaviour, back to how he used to be. But then the abuse would start again. I finally decided that enough was enough, that we had to separate for sake of my girls. I gave him an ultimatum: stop the abuse and commit to marriage or get out. He chose to commit. The abuse stopped immediately although many of his selfish habits remained. Over the 18 months we rebuilt and came back together. Although, he was still not participating in the work of running a home or raising children he was reconnecting with his kids (he had been a very good father pre-affair) and me. What I didn’t know was that during the worst 2 years she had been pressuring him to leave me, involving him further in degrading sexual practices, sabotaging him at work, she was verbally abusive to him and controlling. He felt trapped. He hated every aspect of his life outside of his home. By fall of 2019, my BH and I had made our way back to a fairly good place. The AP broke up with him because she felt he was never going to leave me. Which BH says is true, he was never going to leave me. He had 4 relapses in the following year-2 engineered by her, 2 engineered by him (he calls it a sex addiction). She also left their organization for another job which made it easier for BH to avoid her. AP continued to text: she was lonely, unhappy, did he want to go on vacation with her, her kids liked being with their dad more than her, sexting him. Sept 1 2020 she sent a picture of herself while I was using his phone. I knew immediately. Everything clicked into place in one sickening, blindingly horrible moment. BH denied it until I said ‘let’s restore your texts then’. And then he admitted it. We were at his family’s cottage. I immediately told his parents, packed up kids and went home. Packed up his car full of all his belongings. When his parents drove him home, gave him keys to his car, told him he would not be allowed on property without my permission, reassured him I would support his relationship with kids but he was out. Forever. He immediately cut off all contact with AP. Sought out marriage counsellor that had seen through him and got individual counselling. Started reading and following advice of every book on surviving infidelity and reconciliation that he could. Within 2 weeks trickle truth had stopped. Full disclosure, as painful as that was. All of his lies and deceit. The fact he told her he loved her (he says he knew he did not but felt he had to say it). The massive amount of money he spent on affair. The depravity of their sex life (I am not a prude but what they did was 100% porn, 0% intimacy). And here I am 7 ½ months out. BH is seeing 2 counsellors-1 for sex addiction, 1 for Disassociative Personality Disorder. Both therapists say the diagnosis isn’t as important as the steps/work he is doing to fix himself. He is remembering and integrating significant childhood trauma, changing behaviours and working on living as a good person with strong core values every day. He owns what he did and is using his diagnoses as a means to learn not as an excuse. He writes me a beautiful card every day, he is respectful of my boundaries (although still needs much guidance), he is a better parent, he is doing way more work around the family home then he ever did when he lived here. We are still having sex and it is better, more intimate and he is more giving than he has ever been.
ReplyDeletePart 3: He has been kind, patient, caring, like pre-affair but better because he has learned to be vulnerable. But can I ever reconcile with him? I don't know. Because he BROKE me so badly. His betrayal, his abuse hurt so much. I still howl with the pain some days. I am in counselling. I am doing EMDR. I am trying to figure out why I said to myself: Do better, this must be your fault, you have no value. Instead of saying: what is going on? What is wrong with my husband? I think I finally believe that it wasn’t about me or the AP. With one part of my brain, I believe him when he says had he not met her, he would never have had an affair, never wanted one, would never have pursued it. He was the pursued. My therapist says that if she is everything he says she was than the AP exhibited classic grooming behaviours and is an Affair Predator. I find Elle’s blog so helpful around this. AP is a hurt person who now hurts people. I am not concerned about forgiveness but I have compassion for my husband’s pain and even the AP’s pain to some extent. Her last texts to him speak of a miserable life. These days I am more concerned with giving myself compassion and grace which I find so hard. I have very little self esteem and I am struggling so hard to get it back. I still love my BH. How can this be the case after what he did? I am trying to make all the right choices every day but still end up crying endlessly, convulsively. Yes I am journaling, meditating, doing yoga, cycling (hard and fast), walking. Trying to eat properly. Trying to not drink too much wine. Trying to sleep. Not always succeeding. I feel exhausted and like a failure most of the time. We are currently self-isolating as a family because my youngest daughter has 3 confirmed Covid cases in her class. So we are in quarantine for 2 weeks. Not allowed off our property. I have allowed my BH to quarantine with us instead of by himself in his apartment. I feel like I am not allowed to have the pain I have because I have so much to be grateful for in my life. Three healthy girls, a nice home, great community. I want to get better, be better but when does that kick in? When do I stop thinking about the AP? I want to stop giving her space in my head--how do I do that? I want to feel positive instead of all of this endless pain and hopelessness. I want to laugh with my kids again. Currently we are doing lots of hugs. I have survived the death of my son but I don’t know if I can survive this. I will because I have no choice. When will I be able to come to terms with his betrayal? I am almost 8 months out. Can I ever trust him again really? I have moved from never ever reconciling to wanting to but not sure I can. I love him. I have loved him for 30 years. But I refuse to live a life of mistrust. So how do we do this? How do I do this?
ReplyDeleteOh Kintsukoroi, Your letter is breaking my heart right alongside yours. I felt every single word. I LIVED every single word. I am so so sorry for the pain you're in.
DeleteYou ask "how do we do this...how do I do this?" You're doing it, Kintsukuroi. You're doing it right now. When you're crying and when you're not crying. When you're tucking your kids into bed. When you're having better sex than you've had before. When you're afraid and when you think 'hey maybe I've got this'. You're doing it.
And that's how you'll get all the way through this. You will continue to prioritize yourself. You will continue to interrogate how you betrayed yourself and why, how you kept trying long after it was clear that he was hurting you. And you will learn from that. You will discover a reservoir of strength you never imagined you had and you will continue to draw from that. And each day, you will ask yourself -- either loudly or quietly -- is he continuing to deserve this second chance?
And if the day comes that you decide that you simply cannot remain in this marriage -- no matter how "good" he's being -- then you will honor yourself and get out. But if you discover that time and hard hard work is helping you both build a stronger marriage, then you will honor yourself by staying.
Kintsukuroi, you have already endured the worst pain any of us can imagine -- the loss of a child. I promise you that you will get through this too. Feel the pain because it's the only way I know to get through this. Bottling up the bad stuff only means we bottle up the good stuff too. Life is all of it. You are going through the pandemic and all the misery and anxiety that provokes while also experiencing the agony of betrayal. But here you are! Doing it. Loving your children. Extending grace to the guy who broke your heart.
As for the AP, she is not even worth the energy it takes to think of her. She is so damaged. An empty shell. Her punishment is being her. With her kids who see through her, her husband who discarded her, her career that she uses to prey on others. Yuck.
Your husband? I have empathy for him. I think he made a horrible horrible choice when he crossed that line with this woman but I see it not unlike someone handing him meth for the first time. He's responsible for himself, of course. He's not a victim. But his own pain blinded him to anything else. Hurt people hurt people. His job is to redeem himself. To become the man you always believed him to be. To be the father he wasn't for too many years. If he's anything like my own husband, his punishment is the knowledge that he hurt the people he loved and who loved him most in the world. I personally wouldn't want to live with that knowledge. It takes guts to face that, to live every day facing the pain in his family's eyes and still show up and do better. He's no hero, of course. He's human. And he made a horrible mistake.
You're going to be okay. I promise you that. Your gratitude for what you have will keep your head above water and your ability to nonetheless feel the pain and grief for all you lost will keep your heart soft.
Elle I needed to hear this today. Today in (Zoom) therapy I discussed with my therapist how childhood trauma left me so vulnerable to damage from betrayal. Which seemed to take the lid off of a seemingly endless well of pain. So I decided to have a look to see if you had a new blog and discovered your reply. Thank you. My therapist tells me that all of the work I am doing will result in healing. You (and many of the other people sharing their stories) are showing me that you have lived it, survived and thrived. I have just discovered your blog so I have been reading your blogs starting from the beginning. It feels like the grief support group I attended when my son died. We would sit in a circle and tell our stories. And cry together and talk. This is very much the same and very helpful. So thank you. I am learning alot from your posts and other people's stories. It does help to not be alone. And as you point out it helps to be grateful. Gratitude creates value which creates healing. So just holding onto all I have to be grateful for today...even if it snowing!!!
DeleteIt's snowing where I am too, which I'm taking as my cue to get into bed with a good book.
DeleteIf you've read much on this site, you've likely also come across some of my writing about my own childhood trauma and how betrayal reopened a lot of old wounds that I thought were fully healed. My feelings of unworthiness. My sense that I wasn't "enough". I wouldn't wish betrayal on a single soul but I can look back and see that if forced me to do some hard work to really examine my belief system -- to recognize that I carried a lot of pain with me still. I hope the same for you. My childhood trauma, which included a mother who did, eventually, get sober and become the mom I always wanted, also made me inclined to second chances. I believed that people could become better. And so I stayed. But I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn prioritizing my own needs (still struggle with that one). And I had to learn that I had value just because. Hang in there, Kintsukuroi. You are among friends, just as you discovered when you were working through the grief from the loss of your son. The broken-hearted among us are often the most open-hearted, the most compassionate.
My story began 3 years ago, my husband started sexting someone he met on the Internet, he said when i caught him that he was sorry it was stupid and he didn't know why he did it, i felt betrayed hurt my world just collapsed around me, i told him he needed to sleep in the spare room and he did. He became a sweetheart being nice to me everything, 2 weeks later i found out he never broke it off and continued to message her. I got the same story he didn't know why he did it he is sorry and the same as i say garbage. We went through hell and back and i decided to give it a try, we made commitment to each other, that December i found pictures of more naked woman. I started digging at found some very horrid stuff, he had been doing it the entire year and even got blackmailed. This time i got the same story however he wanted to try marriage counselling, I agreed we have a small daughter and i dont want her to come from a broken home. counselling worked and we where happier then ever, we went through a year of lockdown without so much as an argument. Then a week ago he got blackmailed again this time he paid the person and i was still told all the dirty secrets, i felt sick to my stomach, the same stories came up i am affected, i thought i could stop and so on and so on. So we start at square one. Today i ask to see his phone and get it grabbed from me what do i find another womans picture. He says he deleted it last week and didnt want me to know cause he had stopped, am i just being naive, is he ever really going to stop. I dont know why i cant leave i feel trapped and scared. The more i want to leave him the more i cant and beleive what he is telling me that its over and he has stopped. What do i do.
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteIt has been three years of him telling you things that are untrue. He cannot be believed. But I understand your difficulty leaving and it is not up to me to tell you what you should or should not do with regards to staying or going. I honestly don't know.
But I do know that you should not believe him. If he genuinely wants to commit to you and his child, then he needs to take steps to curb what is probably a sex addiction. He needs to give you access to any/all electronics, e-mails, passwords, whatever. He should probably have some sort of spyware on his computer so it's monitored and he knows that you can see, at any time, what he's doing. And -- this is crucial -- he needs to seek help from a counsellor that specializes in sex addiction. He is putting his entire family at risk, physically, emotionally, financially. He also needs to find a 12-step group that can help him stop what he's doing.
While HE is doing that, I hope you will also seeking counselling in order to learn how to set and enforce these boundaries. To keep yourself emotionally safe, to learn how to trust yourself.
I am so sorry, Unknown. I know the agony you're in. But I think you will begin to feel better once you've laid down some non-negotiable rules for rebuilding.
It's been a little over 5 months since I discovered that my husband was having an affair. It honestly wasn't very surprising, our marriage had been really suffering for a while and his behavior was so different. What I wasn't prepared for was that this affair was on/off for 8 years.
ReplyDeleteThe first time it happen was when we were 25, it was an older woman he worked with that started giving him attention at a time he really felt he needed it. You see my husband had just caught me, for the third time, in my own affair.
He was so depressed and felt so worthless. He claims he really didn't even notice her until he felt so worthless and unwanted, that any attention at all was better then what he was feeling.
My husband broke it off, left his job, and "tried" to move on with me, but never told me about the affair. She came back again, it happened again, he ended up telling her he couldn't do it anymore, then nothing for nearly 5 years. She came back again, at this point he says he had completely convinced himself that I was stuck with him because of our kids, he says he wanted to feel desired again, so the longest affair in this 8 year span began. He tells me he got to a point where he felt trapped, he didn't know how to end the affair and tell me what he had been doing without his whole life blowing up.
I do believe him about why the affair began, I feel how he felt right now.
I believe that he convinced himself I didn't want him and he was desperate to feel wanted. That is what led me to my own affair 9 years ago. My husband and I are high school sweethearts who had our first child right out of high school. I told myself everyday that he only married me because of our son, I was desperate to feel loved and when a man willing showed me attention, I found it hard to say no, no matter how wrong I knew it was, and no matter how much I wished my husband could make me feel this way. The truth is though, I never even really allowed him to. The same way for the last 8 years, he didn't truly allow me to make him feel wanted.
I love my husband, I believe he loves me. We have been through a lot together, we have been together for 15 years.
We are seeing a great counselor who is helping us understand our childhood trauma and how our marriage began when we were really just kids ourselves.
Where I am stuck lately, is doubting it won't happen again, doubting he really wants to be with me, and not her.
I just feel really stuck right now. It felt good to type this out. I don't have family or friends who would even begin to try and understand this or why we choose to stay together.
I just want to feel for a minute I am not alone in these feelings.
You are most definitely not alone in your feelings. I think just about all of us struggle with fears that it will happen again if we stay in our marriage.
DeleteYou and your husband have been through a lot and I'm so glad you have a therapist who can help you both process the pain you've caused each other and better understand how each of you allowed yourselves to cross lines that you knew you shouldn't.
And here's the thing: You will be creating a new marriage with this man with skills that neither of you had before. Which means that, with practice, you will be far better able to communicate your feelings with each other, far better to recognize when you're feeling tempted and why that might be happening, and far better to deal with issues BEFORE you blow up your marriage.
The thing we forget about marriage is that it requires daily commitment. We don't just pick someone and then live happily ever after, we make the choice each and every day to commit to our marriage, to ignore someone flirting with us, to say 'no' to actions that would harm the marriage.
Take it day by day and I think you'll discover that both of you are very different people than you were when you first married.
there is no doubt that this is hard, I am in a similar situation, but I feel like we have to just always remember and cling to the solid fact that they have changed. It is not okay, and however you feel is yours to feel,
ReplyDeletebut when you get lost find your way back with the thought that he has changed.
I found out about 7 months ago my husband had been viewing porn behind my back. I was and still am devastated. He said he had been viewing the crap since he was 16. I know some people will argue and say it's not cheating but to me just because it wasn't another physical woman it was a woman. I felt so bad and honestly still do. I felt like he chose someone else emotionally over me. I wish it was a physical woman because I want to beat the crap out of her.
ReplyDeleteI hate the fact he did this and I am trying hard to forgive him and move on but at times I feel like I relapse in healing and suck at healing. He did this all behind my back and snuck off to view porn. We got into a big argument last night and he still tries to tell me it wasn't cheating. Well if had to sneak off and do it behind my back, what else could it be called. I am so hurt and sometimes I just don't know how to heal. It's hard.
I am happy I found this site. I hope reading others stories will help me heal through my own heartache. We are trying to save our marriage, but man it's hard.
I just found out that I am "the other woman" it came as a horrible bolt from the blue. A knock on my front door; thinking it was Vince because he'd been "out of town with work for a couple of weeks and I have been missing my special girl"...
ReplyDeleteUGH! JUST UGH I know - I feel sick just saying it here. I met this guy a little over 2 months ago during a night out with friends, he was with his friends. There was no indication from anyone he was married. Numbers were exchanged and we went on a date a few days later. He told me what he did for a living, military guy, few of the usual normal things you share when you start dating someone new. It was all nice and a lot of fun. Admittedly I said that I didn't have much free time for a serious relationship because I worked hard and was busy - so we would get together maybe twice a week. Usually day times in the week for lunch, we had evening dates and the odd Friday night together. It was a very physical "relationship" or as I kept saying "casually dating".
What I did NOT expect was that 10 weeks after I met this tall, dark and very handsome self assured man with his life together was to open the door to my house to a very beautiful, very angry and crying woman telling me she was Vince's wife and she wanted to know what I thought I was doing with her husband.
I felt sick! No! No this was not happening. I was not the sort of woman to use another woman's husband!! I invited the woman in. She was quite rightly angry, hurt and wanted answers. The answers that she wanted I could not give her because I am not her husband and I cannot tell her why he chose to cheat on her.
The only thing I could tell her was that I was sorry. The truth that I did not know he was married. She didn't need to know that I was once where she stood and had a cheating spouse - that knowledge wouldn't help her or lessen HER pain.
The worst part of it all was that while his WIFE and the mother of two children was stood in my kitchen crying her heart out her husband knocked on the door. He was 20 minutes later than when he said he'd be at my door - he hadn't seen his wife's car parked around the block from my home. He walked right in my front door holding a bunch of flowers with a smile on his face "Hey baby. I missed you."
I don't know what happened when they left. I do know that he doesn't deserve that woman. Her grace and poise and understanding for not blaming me. It left me with a horrible thought that this wasn't the first time he had been caught cheating. Like my own ex husband - he will never be fulfilled or happy as long as he is a lying, cheating POS.
I never wanted to be and I never chose to be the other woman and I am truly sorry for the hurt that I helped to cause Vince's wife.
I know he cheated on me when he was away on business. All the evidence is there....
ReplyDeleteI discuss the evidence with him.
But he denies, denies, denies.
How do I get him to tell the truth?
Unknown, while we desperately want our hubbys to own up, as it were, some either are not ready to or are determined to keep their secrets. I am so sorry to hear that you are not being honored with the truth. The fact of the matter is you can not " make" them answer truthfully. If he keeps to his script, insisting that everythings on the up and up, and you know what's going on, Then he as much as admitted that his fantasy is worth more than you. This sucks!! You deserve better than this. Consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Look after yourself. Right now you should look after you[and any kids you have]. Decide if you are going to accept the role your husband is offering, or if you deserve better. Then inform him of your choice. Here's the thing, once you point out it's your choice, to stay or go, he might change his tune. Be prepared for anything. More denial, tears, or a full blown tempertantrum. Alot of these guys figure they have the power to dictate the narritive. Here's the secret, They do not. We do. We can choose better for ourselves if we just believe we are worth it. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I still struggle with it. Stay safe, Trust yourself, love yourself. The ladies here Know what you are going through. Good luck
DeleteI can’t believe I’m posting on here. My heart is in pieces. My story is, as so many others, long, and I appreciate anyone who can stay to the end. My husband and I have been together for 19 years. We have 2 children. In 2017, he was diagnosed with an OSi (operational stress injury), severe ptsd and depression, stemming from his career as a first responder. We came together and explored every single option available to us for treatment. Eventually, in 2019, he went to a 9 week inpatient treatment facility in a city about 2 hours away. We spoke everyday. I brought the kids a few times for visits. I went once alone for an overnight outside the hospital with him. When he came home, things seemed a little different. More strained. But we were a team, and we were working hard. He continued to have weekly appointments in the same city as his treatment, so 2 hours away. This went on for about a year. Then Covid happened and he couldn’t go, he had to do virtual appointments. Out of the blue, in June 2020, I received an email from an acquaintance saying that she was so sorry, but she had seen him on tinder. I confronted him, he admitted to using it and a few other apps, but only as a way to stoke his ego. He was feeling terrible about himself and needed the boost. Great. 2 days later, I found over 100 pictures of one woman hidden in his phone. I asked who she was, he said he slept with her. It all came out then, he had been seeing her since Oct of 2019. She was a nurse in a major hospital in the city he went to, and he met her on the subway. This didn’t sound right. So I continued to probe. He met her at a sex club. Ugh. A few weeks later, I found out that she had quit her job and moved to our city in May or June of 2020 to be closer to him. I was in shock. He had gone there each time he told me he was going for a motorcycle ride. He went there in May, had sex with her unprotected and then came home, where I was feeling affectionate and ended up giving him oral sex. He didn’t stop me. I knew then that something was wrong but I convinced myself that it was some soap or something I was tasting and smelling. What an idiot. We decide to work on our marriage. We do weekly therapy and talk in depth. I feel pride in my strength n recovery. 11 months later, I find out there were at least 4 other women he slept with at the beginning of the summer in 2019. All of them from this sex club. One of them, he had sex with in front of people at the club. He lied to me for 11 months. He let me believe I was healing. We were healing. I feel like the biggest moron on earth. I feel disgusted and used. And I am terrified that I don’t feel love. I truly don’t want my marriage to end, we have children and history and there was SO much love then. Now? I wish I could get it back. He swears he has been faithful for 11 months, and I believe him, but I can’t get over the lies. Will the shock pass and allow me to feel something again?
ReplyDeleteJo, there is much written out there about how to hold your husband accountable including him taking a lie detector test after providing you with a full written disclosure but you are still raw and will be for some time. It's impossible to trust your husband right now and he doesn't deserve your trust. He needs to earn it back. My six year D-Day anniversary is next month. I believe my husband has successfully addressed his demons and understands why he did the things he did but that has left me with a very different internal experience. It is hard to really love a partner who showed so much disregard for himself and his family and his spouse. The magic is gone from my marriage however we are together. The only trust I have of him (we have been married more than 40 years with adults kids and grands) is that if he cheats again or participates in any of the activities he did in the past, he has chosen to leave the marriage. We are compatible and have a lot of fun together but right now, in my heart, I consider him to be "the man I live with" and not my husband. I hope that changes but if not, that is okay. While I worked full time, took care of his mother and our three kids, he traveled often for work, took full advantage of his freedom and did what he wanted. I made his life really, really easy. I would never want to be him. I worked on me. You might want to just work on you too.
DeleteMe and my husband have been married for 6 years together for 7 and we have 2 kids after being together for a year and a half I found out he was having an online affair.
ReplyDeleteI was hurt. Angry. And it took me 2 years to get over it he promised me he would never do it again
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago I found out he was in fact still doing it this entire time with multiple women it never gone past an online relationship he never met any of them in person besides sending a few of them money to help them when they needed I'm devastated he told me he would never do it again and that he wants to fix us. And feels horrible about it he said it has nothing to do with me.
I don't want to end a 6 year marriage when we have 2 kids for online cheating I'm having a really hard time coping and just not feeling loved or beautiful anymore I just want to stay with him because I love him so deeply I just don't know how to move past it this time. He gave me access to everything of his emails,old dating apps, etc
But I still feel a pit in my stomach and am crying every night and angry during the day.
I just don't know how to cope any advice?
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. And I'm sorry he didn't become a better person when you forgave him the first time.
DeleteYou get to decide what comes next but you also get to take as long as you need to make that decision. In the early days, we can feel so devastated and confused that it feels impossible to know what we want.
You are in pain because you've been betrayed by someone you trusted with your heart. Which means, it's going to hurt for a long time. But you can handle it. Focus on you and your own healing, get a therapist who can support you as you work through the emotions. And tell him that his job is to figure out why he risked his family, why he lied to you, and what he plans to do to ensure it never happens again.
I promise you will get through this. But you must prioritize your own healing, you must insist on what you need from him. If he refuses, then he's telling you that his comfort matters more than the marriage, than you, than his children.
I would like to comment about forming a “reconciliation contract”. I read that Elle had not heard of someone requiring such from their spouse and I am here to testify that I did such a contract. I came under scrutiny from our therapists, family, and friends for doing so. But I would like to share why AND what it has done for and against our reconciliation.
ReplyDeleteSo here’s the story...
Scene: My husband was having a post D-day melt down while I was fixing dinner. He came out of the bedroom with a loaded firearm (we live on a ranch and gun protection against poisonous and dangerous predators are common and necessary). I won’t bore you with details of the emotional scene except to say that I quickly took the pointed gun away and disarmed it. Then, I gave him so many seconds to call a sponsor, hot-line etc..., while I did the same. I locked up the gun in the safe and set a new password- gave it to my sponsor that I was talking on the phone to at the time.
So safety was secured and a county intake counselor was on her way to our ranch to offer help. This counselor turned out to be more hindrance than help. In my husbands analogy to me as she exited our our property, “did you see how she was trying to come on to me- showing her stuff to me?”
Yes, I admittedly couldn’t have missed her low cut blouse and mini skirt. Hhmmm are we sure she was from the county, I asked silently myself? The counselor had not really helped, but had tried to convince me that my “husband’s reaction was quite expected , since there was nothing “wrong” with having outside affairs.” “Our therapists were wrong in their therapy for sex-addiction and were partly to blame for creating all of his pain and confusion”. She added that I was to blame for creating his negative feelings because infidelity was a healthy and normal human activity. Really? I was dumbfounded but said nothing as we took her paper handout about anger and politely said goodby at the ranch gate.
My husband next blurted out, and this is key to my request for a post- nup contract, was to laugh and say,”I can play the crazy card and have her and everything we own... hahaha, man, This is great!”
I need to explain about the years leading up to D-day. My husband had become so wrapped up in addiction that he had stopped working for many years , while we sought out therapists. I was unaware of the sex addiction up to that point.
Why the post-nup? I felt that he had nothing to lose if he pretended to go through recovery, while I had everything to lose- continual heartbreak, trauma, financial problems and now the threat of losing my home. If he wanted me to work towards a new marriage, HE needed to put up a dowry. Investment in a future marriage with me had to be worth something. Up to that point , he had just drifted through life with me providing all- financial security, a clean home, a ranch for him to play in(he didn’t take on any responsibility in it), and a loving wife who kept up her looks and was sexually available at his whim. (I know, I was a pushover-right?) So, my self-worth was at stake, yes, a dowry from him was required if we went forward together. If he wanted out, we could split up our assets right then, but he wasn’t free to “play” me for another 15 years without some consequences.
This was to give me some “safety” as we proceeded towards recovery. However, two years later, it would be shown to be a slight hindrance as well. Since he had everything (or at least some things) to lose, his hiding and lying continued, and working through this would become an additional hurdle.
I don’t have a good solution and my therapists warned that I might be creating the wrong unintended behavior by giving him punishment (post-nup consequences) if he tries to tell me about relapses. However, a post-nup has minimized other intended actions such as running away with everything we own . Sigh.... recovery isn’t easy and no simple answers exist.
Interesting. Thank-you for sharing your experience. I know women often consider them...
DeleteIts 4.23 AM here where I am. D-Day was yesterday and found this blog by accident today. And I thank the heavens that I did. Just like many that came before me, Im sure reading post after post of enlightenment and empowerment (and a sense of sisterhood) is a great solace. So thank you... thank you for this lifeline.
ReplyDeleteIve been married 15 years. I have one amazing kid and not so amazing marriage. Something was always wrong. Mostly his financial situation and sometimes my own insecurities, But I thought marriages are supposed to be hard work. At least thats what Ive heard and read and is commonly known. I thought as long as when two ppl love each other and work hard to stay together, then marriages work. Im not naive to think that happiness is everlasting and guaranteed. Like all things in life, we have to work at it. I never thought that infidelity would be the biggest thing I have to work out.
Last year, at the start of the pandemic, the foundations of my marriage shook. To keep the story short, he couldnt take my stress (which is solely caused by his indifference to the whole pandemic plus his financial issues), and left me and my 13 yr old. He confessed that most of the 15 yrs together, he is mostly unhappy. He just never said anything.
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ReplyDelete...
Even then I never thought that he was unfaithful. There are stories. We had a long distance marriage for a few years now. Not by choice but by neccesity. He failed to find work where we live and is now trying to make it back in his hometown. But I never thought any of the stories were true (and it was never proven to be anything than just a misunderstanding). I thought that the man I married was an exception above the rest. A family member stepped in and we decided to start again. He admitted his flaws and I admitted mine. I thought we moved forward.
D-Day is exactly one year and ten days since that day. Like a bad scene from a B grade movie, the wife character accidentally read a text message. A text message with the word "darling' by an unknown woman. I asked my H flat out. Who is she? What does that text mean? Are you having an affair? Can I read the rest of the text?
Its all downhill from there. There was a confession, an expression of guilt but also another statement which made this whole year of 'starting over' a sham. He was still not happy. Thats why he cheated. He stated that it was partly my fault.
I KNOW deep in my soul, his cheating has more to do with his failures (financially and as a father and an overall good person) then mine as his wife. His broken soul and colluded mind is his downfall. I am only along for the ride.
Like last year, he bombarded me with complaints and revelations about our marriage that is still the same old tune. The fact that this last year Ive been working my ass off to make this marriage work is acknowleged but not nearly enough. The cheating part is the most hurtful, but the fact that he made his cheating as though it was a product of his protest againts our marriage is what really shook me.
My confidence, my self worth and my life is circling the drain. The future is uncertain. I need to heal and yet I know healing myself will not guarantee automatically saving my marriage (or if I even want to at all!).
What I'm really surprised is that this mental hurt is affecting me physically too. I cant eat, sleep and concentrate. What a cliche, I know. And the tears... oh my the tears. My chest hurts. Its amazing how far our mind can go to dark and twisted places.
I am familiar with the stages of grief. I am in stage one and will likely be there for a while. I only hope I can have the strenght to just take it one step at a time. I am trying to function for my 14 yr old. I told my H that I need to heal by myself and that he can go and do the same. He has to take care of his sick aunt in his hometown anyway.
I dont know what the future holds for us. I cant even think beyond taking a shower this morning. Again, I am so thankful that I found this blog. Things will never be the same but I will come out of this alive and somewhat intact...
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through but so glad you found us. There is most definitely comfort in hearing the words of those who know your pain and knowing too that there are others out there who have gone through betrayal and survived. You will get through this. As you note, your marriage might not. But YOU will. And that will be enough. Your job is to focus on your own healing from this. Your husband's job is to get his head out of his ass, stop blaming others for his own misery, and decide if he wants to be a better man and, if so, how to do that. You get to decide if that's enough for you.
But please trust me, you will get through this. Keep reading, keep posting. You are among friends.
How do I share my story? I don't have any social media accounts. I would like to post here. Please tell me how? Thank you.
ReplyDeleteExactly what you just did. Write it out and click "publish". Welcome...
DeleteIn July of 2019, I was diagnosed with cancer. It changed my life, my body. I had not had sex with my husband in the treatment periods and after. When I got better, Covid happened. I felt something wasn't right in April. My husband went on a mad dash to get in shape, stopped eating, I saw him google manscaping shavers. I checked his history and found he was googling "warm hugs" who is he sending warm hugs to? My immediate thought was that he was fooling around, but how? He's home every night. He goes to the office only 1 day per week and only for 5 hours. He starting picking fights with me for no reason. Spending hours on his iPad. If I tried to speak to him about anything he either ignored me, or told me he was busy reading. On one of his days in the office, he texted me to tell me he would be in a meeting for 2 hours, without his phone. I thought that was odd, so I looked at the family tracker and saw that he was actually at a hotel. I sent him a screenshot of the location and heard nothing for 5 minutes. Then he texted and told me he was dropping off a co-worker there. I was frozen in place. I couldn't move or speak. He came home a couple of hours later and I asked him to tell me the truth. Of course, he denied it. Even said I do these things to myself and get myself all upset over nothing. Was I the one at a hotel at 10:30am on a weekday? At that point, I started to look around, check bank accounts, discovered several monthly subscriptions to something called "only fans" and some other sex websites. Now, I am not someone who cares all that much about occasional porn. But this, this was live streaming and some crazy stuff. All within a 1 month period. Did he lose his mind for a month? There were large cash withdrawals too. I checked out the apps on his phone and iPad. I found Snapchat, Tinder, Wickr Pro and more. I was shaking and sobbing and scared. I cried for 3 days, on the 4th day, I packed a small bag and went to a hotel. I stayed for 3 days. He texted me begging me to come home, saying how sorry he was. I had to take care of myself first, and I simply could not (and still cannot) stop crying. Why am I so devastated? I didn't sleep with him or make much of an effort for many months. What did I expect? I came back home and we talked and he said he wasn't doing anything. That yes, he looked at porn, looked at some stuff for a few weeks and then stopped and cancelled all the accounts. He swore he would never do it again, still left me with a lot of unanswered questions, like who is he chatting with? Sending warm hugs to? And the list goes on. He sent me roses, bought me a bracelet, took me to a fancy hotel for an evening where we finally had sex together. After which, I asked him if I needed to get tested for STDs? He again, swore it never got to that. Eventually, he told me he hired an escort, but he didn't go through with it. He said he stopped it before anything physical happened. He says he will never do this again. He gave me the story of how he's getting older, and things don't work the same, feels like he's falling apart. So what? We are all getting older. Deal with it. He said he was depressed. I sent him to the doctor and he came home with antidepressants and viagra. I am crushed beyond belief. I feel like a zombie. Like someone killed me but there's no Heaven. Financially I can go if I want to. There is nothing to prevent me. But we've been together for 17 years and married for 14. We have a history together. So many good memories. We also own homes, retirement accounts, investments, etc...how do you split that? Do I want to? I am broken. Totally broken. I'm confused, sad, angry and at times incredibly turned on because he's showing so much interest in me again. (Even with my cancer scars and excess weight from meds) I don't want a relationship where I have to check my husband's phone, and other electronic devices. I don't want to worry every time he leaves the house. I am broken. Thanks for reading, to all of you.
ReplyDeletelim689086,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in (and so sorry I haven't responded before this). I want to start by saying you having cancer and dealing with covid and not wanting sex is NOT the cause of his cheating. Or, as we often say here, he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him.
And, if wants you to consider reconciling, he needs to deal with that something. Which means...therapy. It means doing the hard work of figuring out why, when he was feeling down about aging and drooping, etc., he didn't talk to you about it, or seek out therapy, or confide in a friend, and, instead, thought it was a great idea to spend all kinds of money and self-respect looking for gratification outside of his marriage. Without your knowledge.
He betrayed your trust within a long-time marriage so of course you can't stop crying. It's a deep deep wound and one that takes us a long time to heal.
But that's your job, while he's trying to figure out how to be a better man and better husband, one who shares his fears and feelings rather than masturbating them away.
But here's another thing I want you to know. You will get past this. It takes time and work but you will get to a point when the tears stop. When the good memories resurface. When you realize that, yes, you could leave anytime you want but you no longer want to because he's done the work of deserving that second chance. And if he doesn't? Well, then, you know what to do and you'll be fine then, too. There's a ton of info on this site and a lot of incredible women who've been where you are and found their way through.
Hello ladies, I'm so happy I found this blog. I found out two days ago that my husband cheated while on a guys trip in Cancun 2 weeks ago. We have been married only 5 months and I never in a zillion years could have thought he would be capable of doing this. I truly mean that, our marriage was great, obviously still in our honeymoon phase, there was nothing lacking. We both moved to a bigger city to advance in our careers and were loving every minute of it (work, weekends, and just being home together).
ReplyDeleteWhen he returned from Cancun he didn't mention much and acted totally normal. He has always been a very secretive person and doesn't really like being questioned about anything. He has a lot of trauma from childhood that he has learned to deal with on his own. I believe his insomnia is due to it. Anyway I asked him how the trip went, if any of the guys got laid jokingly, and that was it. I asked to see pictures not suspecting anything, literally just wanted to dream about being there in that blue water. I came across a screenshot of a Whatsapp number and automatically questioned him about it. He said his friend's phone wasn't working and he asked if he could put it in his phone. He automatically goes to Whatsapp and blocks her and deletes any convo or calls from her. So at this point I'm panicked and want to look at his other social media accts. I believed him initially that it was his friend who wanted the number. But then I find a voice note he sent another girl on IG saying "do you wish you were here doing bad things with me on this balcony." He immediately turns white and acts as if its the first time he is hearing it. He immediately apologizes and pleads with me saying he swears he doesn't remember sending it and he was intoxicated. I'm so hurt, he's sticking to his story that he does not remember sending it and is very apologetic, crying, and begging me to forgive him.
My guard is now up. I decide to go back and find the girls number from Whatsapp. I message her through my number with his photo as my image and she immediately responds. I'm acting as if I'm him, making small talk. I ask if she remembers my friend (who the number was supposed to be for) and she says no. Red flag. I start to flirt with her and I ask "what was your favorite part of hanging out with me." She says "I loved when you put me in front of the mirror." She later goes on to say they had sex twice and used a condom. I confront him after the convo and he again looks stunned and freaks out and says she is crazy, he would never do that, and I'm the best thing in his life. He called his friend who was with him that night and asked him if he remembers anything and the friend says the chick seemed normal and why would she make that up? So he starts to seriously consider that he actually did it and doesn't remember. He said he drank a lot, which he rarely does but then he took an Ambien. He is pleading with my that he did not do it and if he did he was drugged and remembers nothing. I've looked this up "Ambien sex" and have found few things about it. Does this story resonate with anyone? What do you all think, outside looking in?
I believe he was doing dirt, but part of me believes him that he really doesn't remember having sex because of the combo of alcohol and ambien.
Needless to say, I'm heartbroken. We just moved states, work at the same place. Everything was so great before this trip. Now I feel my world has completely shattered.
Hello Anon may27. First off welcome to one of the best sites to offer betrayed spouses shelter and understanding. I am so sorry that you find yourself here. I can tell you that all of us understand your desire to believe what your H is telling you. and that there is always a small[or not so] part of us that just do not. You may never know. If he was acting out of character why did his buddies not notice? you need to create a safe space for you. weather in counseling or talking with a "safe person" Look to your own needs, sleep, food, self care. What do you need? To feel safe? To feel anything? Sit with yourself as if you were helping out a loved one. Because that's what you are doing. There are lots of resources here at BWC. you might also want to check out Betrayal Trauma Recovery site. wwwbtr.org . There are some great podcasts available. Good luck. Stay safe.
DeleteAnonymous, Just me (above) gave you really good advice. I hope you are getting the support you need. Tons of info on this site, but I also hope you've found a good therapist to help you process the pain of betrayal. And I hope your husband is coming completely clean with you.
DeleteHi everyone. I have been together with my partner for 20 years - we have been married for 13 and have two kids. We're an interracial couples so a lot of odds were stacked against us in the early years, and we have managed to overcome it all. I moved to his country in 2018 and I now found out that he's been unfaithful and lying about it for two years, with a work colleague. As soon as COVID restrictions in my country lifted he basically went to see her on an excuse of a work trip, and despite my intuitions and asking about it repeatedly over the past year, he denied it and then when he returned I found evidence on his phone. He says he didn't physically cheat more than that 1 time 2 years ago but the betrayal is the long phone calls and the sappy messages and the flirtations and really the fact that he lied to me for over a year. I am beyond devastated. I thought this was my soulmate. I thought we were having a rough and uncommunicative patch. I even tried couples counselling and reading up on how to save a marriage but now I've found out that he's been cheating and lying about it I don't even feel like trying any more. Worst of all we have two kids who adore him and I could never tell them anything. He had said he couldn't come clean earlier as it is a work colleague and could jeopardize her career. As if my broken heart didn't matter - a potential risk to her career was so much more important to protect. I know that marriages are not broken because of the cheating, but because of something else broken underneath. I want to be strong especially for my kids and my family but I feel so so alone and angry. I moved countries for this man, and even support all his extended family and I just feel devastated. His best friend's wife (and one of my closest friends) died of COVID this year. I was shocked that even an incident like that prompted him to wake up and see me and the relationship we have as important - he went on lying. Grateful to see I am not alone in this. I'm taking one day at a time to process and find out what I can do next.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so so sorry for all the pain you've experienced, including losing your best friend. Please be gentle with yourself as you move through so much grief.
DeleteYour husband's response, his worry about jeopardizing her career, indicates that he's not really taking responsibility for the incredible pain he's caused you or for the fact that this woman's career is potentially jeopardized BECAUSE OF HIM. Not sure if much has changed since you wrote this, but unless he's willing to take a good, hard look at his behaviour and all the pain he's caused his family and step up to figure out why he risked losing you, then he's not a great bet. As for your kid, they don't need to know about this (nor should they). They deserve to be able to love their father, which I know is excruciating for you. I hope you will find support as you work through all this. There's a ton of info here and incredible women who know your pain.
PART 1
ReplyDeleteThe effects on my present life
In the weeks and months following my husband’s affair I kept asking myself – and so did he in our endless discussions about what happened – what it was that bothered me so much in every single moment of my daily life.
I mean, one could argue the affair was in the past. With the work my husband and I did to reestablish our relationship, we came closer to each other, much closer and intimate than we were the years before. In fact, our marriage before the affair was on the rocks due to many badly handled life crises such as health issues, job layoff etc. So with the shock of the affair we actually managed to have a hard look at our marriage. Particularly my husband made many, many amends and completely changed the way he interacted with me and the family. He took a completely different place in the family system and particularly started assuming normal family duties, the ones I had been doing on my own for the last two decades.
Therefore, one could literally argue my life after the affair was better than my life before the affair, right? My husband finally treated me with love and respect and endless patience, even though he had to fight alcoholism and depression himself. He finally understood that family work (household and kids) was real work and that there were two people in the marriage responsible for it. He started rebuilding trust by giving me full access to his communication means, by endlessly discussing the affair whenever I had the feeling it was necessary and by saying what he did and doing what he said. I grieved what was lost and went and worked through all the feelings I had, completely aware that I would never be able to successfully suppress them. After some months I had regained a sort of „normal“ life. I was able to go after my daily chores and experienced even moments of joy and happiness again. I was actually able to leave the past in the past (mostly), what enabled me to understand (after some months) that there was no actual threat any more.
Still I sensed (and sense to this day) that something in our marriage was changed forever. It was not only the past that was changed (that I might have been able to let go), it was also my present that was completely changed compared to before the affair. Not to the better, that’s how I experienced it. But I couldn’t quite explain what it was that changed my present so much. I tried explaining to him that it was my sense of security or safety that was not in place any more (how could it), and while he perfectly understood that he said he hoped this would change with time as soon as trust would start building again. And I am pretty sure that trust has started building again. As per today, I don’t fear that he is having an affair again. But that’s the thing: It’s only per today (or per this week, this month, this year at the best). That’s the difference to how it used to be.
PART 2
ReplyDeleteYou see – that may sound naive in your ears – I never had the feeling that this marriage was an option. From the moment we took our vows (well actually long before, since we decided to be together the way we were) it never crossed my mind that this marriage could be optional. For me marrying him was the confirmation of the two of us being a family, through good times and bad times till death do us part, for ever. I meant what I said and even in our difficult times it never occured to me that there was another option for the two of us than sticking together. I was confident that we would be able to work through our difficulties with time.
So what he did to me with his affair, which still has a considerable effect on my present, is that he made our marriage an option. He made me an option. He clearly stated that he can start something new with someone else, whenever he has the feeling that I don’t love him anymore. He thought our marriage vows were to be respected as long as everything went well and he had the feeling I’d love him. That was not how I understood our vows. To me they were sacred and never would I have gone the path he choose, even though I hadn’t felt valued or cherished for years. I talked to him about these differences between him and me and he would insist that I was right and he was wrong and his actions back then were deeply influenced by his severe depression as well as his addiction. It’s all changed for him now. But these are only words. And words are cheap. I used to believe every word he said until D-Day. Never would I have expected him to do what he did. But those days are gone. I can’t count on his words anymore. It’s the actions that count. And those will take a long time to show that he is sincere and has really changed into the man I (wrongly) believed him to be for so many years.
And even if he has changed in the meantime, with his behaviour back then he clearly showed me that our marriage, that I was an option for him, at least at that time. And this is so out of character for the man I used to think I knew. That’s why there occured a basical shift in how I view him and how I view our marriage. Our marriage is not any more what I hoped it would be, my safe and secure family for the rest of my life. It is an option that we chose as long as we feel good at it. Even if he says otherwise, his past actions show that the marriage had not the same meaning for him as it had for me. As for me, it’s the same now. I couldn’t see family in him after what he has done. For me as well he is an option now. And I never wanted my marriage to be an option. This loss of family, of security and safety that‘s what I still mourn to this day and that is the effect that his (past) affair has on my present life.
What do you think, ladies (and gentlemen)? Does that make sense to you? I am very interested to hear your thoughts and views.
Gina
Gina,
DeleteYes, it makes perfect sense. And I felt it too. Still do, sometimes, if I'm completely honest. The way I look at it is this: Whatever I thought my marriage was, however much I thought I was completely safe within it, I was wrong. He simply wasn't the man I thought he was. I didn't marry the man I thought he was. I married the man he actually was.
And the man he actually was saw me and our marriage as an option, though he never would have framed it that way. He, too, was acting out all the painful feelings that come with addiction. He, too, was doing everything he could to avoid facing his feelings. And so he made horrible choices, for him and for me and for our family.
So...what do I do with that? What do you do with that?
What I have done is this: I have chosen to stay with the man he became. I will never have that blind faith that he would never hurt me, that he would never cheat on me. I simply won't. I suspect, even if I left this marriage and got into another, that I will never again have that blind faith in another human being. But I no longer see that as a bad thing. Because that blind faith was...blind. It kept me in a situation where I put up with things I shouldn't have put up with, including, as you had to, a husband who wasn't nearly as involved with his family as he should have been. I put up with thing because I told myself that he loved me and he was a "good man" who was faithful and honest.
Now? He's a good man who's faithful and honest BUT I will never let that be an excuse for not also insisting he's a man who helps with the kids, that he's a man who shows up for his family, that he's a man who puts us before his job, etc.
So, in my case, I have decided that the man he is now -- that I have watched him work so hard to become -- is the man I chose to be with. Each day. Will I chose him a year from now? Who knows? Probably. But I have decided that choosing each other, each day, is more important than making a choice on one day and then expecting it to carry me through a lifetime. That might be more romantic but I'm not sure it's very realistic.
So...my two cents. Not sure if others will weigh in. This thread tends to have less interaction than the more regular posts. But do feel free to continue to comment here. We learn from each other.
Gina, I second what Elle wrote. I am also still with my husband and we just past the 6 year D-day anniversary without a blip. He tells me he is a changed man and that he loves his life now. At times I hate that I married someone who wasn't who I thought he was but I married the guy he was and is. From year two he made me and our marriage an option although I did not know it and never suspected he was anything other than the moral man he presented as. Just last night as we were laying in bed cuddling he hugged me close and said, "I'm never letting you go." I don't know where that came from or why he said it but I hear things like that a lot and I wonder if he continues to reflect on how badly he screwed up. I think he and I do chose each other every day. From the day he told me about his past life I was shattered and I no longer love him like I did. I love him in many ways and we share kids and grandkids but I can honestly say I would be just fine without him too. He has a very narrow road to walk now. He knows that. I'd say my life is a more fun now that prior to his disclosure because we are more open and honest with each other but my feelings for him are not the same. I am more grounded and realistic about my life now. I've given up all the lovely fantasy stories of things that used to mean so much to me. It doesn't hurt like it used to. He really lost a lot and he knows it. We are both in our 70th decade and married more than 40 years. He cheated off and on for at least 30 of them. That is on him.
DeleteI have been married for 45 years. Two years ago I found out quite by accident that my H was having an emotional affair with a 30 year old who he had a working relationship,with. This emotional affair went on for 10 years. D day was June 2019 when I accidently came across texts going as far back as 2009. My H never deletes anything. I confronted him, he said she was just a special friend who he started helping through rough times. However, the texts were all about “I love you so much” I really miss you so much, I want to spend a weekend with you to take care of you. Every text he wrote ended with I love you, or I miss you or both. He constantly told her how wonderful she was, and how when she texted it always put a smile on his face. Oh, and then I found out he was calling her twice a week, usually when I wasn’t home . The calls were at over an hour long. I tried to get him to go to counseling but he won’t go. He basically blamed me for connecting with this girl. He said I ignored him for so long and that was part of it. I don’t know if there was a sexual encounter. They did go on business trips with a team, but I have no proof and he will never tell me if it happened. We have had many arguments about this over the past two years. I have triggers all the time because he still hasn’t been honest with me. He basically has swept this under the rug. He has been overly attentive, has ended the so called friendship, and says he wants to forget and move on. He is not the one who was betrayed, devastated, hurt to the point of numbness. How does one forget 10 years of exchanging love letters to some girl who is my daughter’s age? We have married 45 years. Never in my life would I have thought he would do this to me. He knows how much he hurt me. He is trying to fix it, but all I feel is numbness. I don’t love him like I did before. I don’t trust him anymore. Our daughter is pregnant with her second child. So, this keeps me going. But I just don’t feel alive anymore. I just feel I am mechanical. Everything is just mechanical.
DeleteBobbie, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It has been 6 years since I learned my husband of 47 years was involved in a long-term affair with a woman nearly 20 years his junior. It took over 2 years before he ended the affair and began to come out of his 'affair fog', and more than 4 years before I had most of the story - an 18 year affair with a woman in another country. My husband wanted to sweep it under the carpet too,'just move on', but I knew I needed answers. I called his OW, sent texts, checked out facebook and found many years of photos of their life together. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. It seemed like the life I thought I had no longer existed. The affair has overshadowed all our family events (weddings, births of grandkids, trips) for the last 20 years. My children do not know about their father's betrayal and that has been an extra burden, to carry his secret. I stayed for a number of reasons - I wanted what we had worked for to go to our family, my husband experienced a number of health issues and needs care, we have a history. I no longer feel the same way about my husband but we get along well. He has become the husband I had always hoped he would be. But I definitely have trust issues now and I understand the numbness you are experiencing. I still have days like that, even 6 years later. I think long term affairs really throw one off balance. They do such a number on one's self-esteem. How does one compete with a fantasy? I highly recommend finding a good therapist. Mine has been so helpful and encouraging. I have devoured books on infidelity but few address long-term affairs. Read all you can here. Elle has wonderful insight and advice. And keep your focus on that new grandbaby. Life does go on and it will get better, but it takes time. Hugs.
DeleteHi Gina
ReplyDeleteI get it I feel the same. I long to feel safe more than loved. My husband tries but I have come to accept after over five years since d day he is not enough for me to stay anymore. I finally feel proud of myself to say it out loud and do something I never wanted end my marriage. But my marriage ended when he cheated I was trying to save something already dead.
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ReplyDeleteMichelle, Welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join.
DeleteEverything your feeling is perfectly normal, under the circumstances. The hard part is just letting yourself feel all this horribleness and trust that it will pass.
In the short term, please get a good therapist who can support you as you begin to process the pain. You do not need to make any big decisions right now. In fact, it's recommended that you don't make any big decisions until you're in a more emotionally stable state. You want to respond rather than react.
You're wise not to tell your kids, unless they ask you directly.
Practice self-care. Eat well, sleep if you can, avoid alcohol, drugs, any compulsive behaviours. You've been dealt a traumatic blow and it takes time for your mind and body to absorb it and figure out what to do from here.
It sounds, apart from the affair, like your marriage was in trouble. Which IN NO WAY excuses the affair. There is no excuse for betraying a partner and I'm so sorry it happened to you. You are perfectly normal to feel so devastated by this. But figure out whether, affair or not, this is the marriage you want, the man you want.
Im curious too, about your use of the word "Power", which seems an odd choice in the context of a marriage. I think I understand what you're saying but "power" implies that one partner has it and the other doesn't, which isn't a healthy dynamic at all. You have all the power you need to make choices for yourself and to respond to others' choices in the way that's most healthy for you. I don't mean to sound all new-agey, but that's something so many of us learn after betrayal. We can't control what happens to us but we can always control how we respond to it. That's the only power we've ever had, however much we might have thought otherwise.
In the meantime, Michelle, therapy/support, self-care, time. You will get through this, I promise. And you will be fine, I promise.
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DeleteI am just over 8 months past my husband saying "I have something I have to tell you"
ReplyDeletehow do you go on everyday not feeling like he's still doing it and you're just the fool whos being lied to again and again?
HI Anon 7/21
DeleteYou will never know what's going on inside their heads.
He has to prove to you he's worthy of staying around and since we can't rely on their words, what is he actually doing?
Is he answering all your questions?
Is he being transparent and giving you access to his phone, computer, pass words etc
Is he going to couples and individual therapy?
Is he prioritizing you?
Trust me. You are no fool. He is for betraying and lying to you.
I am now divorced after my ex husband promised me he would do all that I asked for, but he couldn't. He was still lying and cheating.
Now things are different for you, you will look at things in your marriage differently.
You'll just know. You'll just feel it if things aren't right
Trust your gut. That instinct is real.
Hugs
Gabby xo
I found out my husband has been cheating with the same person off and on for years. I went through his phone and confronted him. He told me everything. The OW is someone we both know. Me and the OW aren’t friends but the fact that she know me and knows that me and him were together infuriates me. Cheating is terrible but he took the betrayal to new heights by cheating with someone that knows me. He said he first hooked up with her before we started dating. He said once we got together she still wanted to be involved with him. He said they’d hook up and take breaks, the longest break was two years. She bought him things and gave him access to all of her credit cards. She paid for the hotels and acted as a submissive.
ReplyDeleteI discovered the affair by looking through his emails. After I confronted him he wrote her an email and told her that I knew. He said that he didn’t want to have a relationship with her on any level and that if I was willing he wanted to repair his marriage. She responded and said how he has used her for the last time and how he’s been a heartless manipulator since they first started hooking up.
He said that since we got engaged and married he hasn’t saw her in person that they only spoke through text or email. He said he didn’t tell her we were married because he still wanted to get material things from her. He said he liked that he could pick and choose when he felt like dealing with her.
Since the discovery he’s given me verbal apologies, written apologies, he’s answered very question I ask about the affair, we started counseling and he’s been practicing relentless empathy. He said since being caught he’s feels free. He said he realizes that that situation was toxic and he’s disappointed in himself for allowing it to happen. He also said that even if we don’t work he would never contact her again because he doesn’t like who he was in that situation.
Even with all the openness and reassurance I still can’t accept what he’s done. Sometimes when I look at him I’m disgusted and my stomach hurts. I even have visions of them having sex in my head. Before the discovery I couldn’t imagine him doing something like this. It like he’s a completely different person. He was living two different lives.
I know I might sound crazy but I believe he’s genuinely sorry and I don’t think he’ll rekindle anything with her but Im too angry to tell him that I believe him. I want to continue to work on restoring my marriage but I can’t focus on the good changes I keep focusing on the affair. I can’t get the images of them out my head.
Any suggestions on how to forgive and any suggestions on getting the intrusive thoughts of the affair out of my head?
Peace Seeker,
DeleteYou don't say how long ago you found out. I ask because those mind movies tend to fade away as does our disgust with who they were, and is replaced by the person they become. In my case, I watched my husband work so hard to figure out why he cheated wtih a woman he could hardly stand (like you, the OW in my case knew me). And as he took full responsibility for the pain he caused and made himself fully accountable, I regained respect for him. I fell in love with this "new" him.
But that doesn't happen for everyone. Some women can't or don't want to give their partners -- even partners who are doing everything "right" -- another chance. And that's perfectly okay. We each get to decide what we want to do about this situation we never asked for.
But if it's been less than six months, I'd take a bit longer to decide. Most experts recommend we don't make any big decisions for up to a year because our brains are still reeling from the shock.
But, again, your choice.
As for getting the thoughts out of your head, there are some CBT tricks (snapping an elastic on your wrist when you start thinking them, or imaginging a big stop sign etc.) But often time works its magic. Just don't indulge the thoughts. Try and distract yourself.
Seeing your response means so much. I wasn’t sure how to post my story and didn’t know it actually posted until visiting your blog to read some more stories and hopefully get some helpful tips. I found out about the affair 4 months ago. My husband is working hard to show me he is no longer that person. On one hand I’m happy that he’s going full force with making positives changes, rebuilding our relationship and rebuilding me but on the other hand I remember why he’s doing this and it makes me sick. Why did I have to go through hell to get him to be who he is showing me now? I’ve been trying methods our therapist has given me to help me with the flashes. It’s not helping much though. Is it too soon to be over flashes? Will I be able to be intimate with him without seeing them?
DeletePeace Seeker,
DeleteThere is no answer to the "why did I have to go through this". No acceptable answer. It is what it is. Now...what are you going to do with that experience? Keep doing what your therapist suggested -- these things take time. They will go away. And yes, you likely will be able to reconnect intimately but it will probably require your husband being able to connect to you in the moment and you being able to do the same. In my case, I needed my husband to look me in the eyes, so that I was sure he was focused on me, that he was present with me.
Hi everyone, I’m grateful to have found this site. Elle, you are wonderful, thank you for talking about your own pain in an effort to relieve ours. I hope if cathartic and not a reliving of pain. I feel like my story is somehow more shameful or severe than other people’s, I realize that’s an egotistical thing to say because I recognize all the pain on these pages. But my shame is intense. I’ve been married 30+ years and found out my husband had an affair 25 years ago. The way I found out was that our adult daughter got a hit on ancestry that she had a new relative who turned out to be her half sister. My husband had no knowledge of the child. The OW was married so she probably told her husband the child was his. We were on vacation when the ancestry alert came in so all my adult kids know, as well as my sister, who I would have told anyway. My husband has taken full responsibility and blame and to his credit, has made me feel very loved in the almost 1 year since discovering this. He did not have an easy life. He was abused and molested as a child. He had addiction problems as an adult when we were together. For all the bad things that I knew our marriage was though, I didn’t know it was this so my life with him seems like a farce. Jim Gaffidan has a comedy routine where he talks about being the Dumbo after waiting in line 2 hours in Disney just to see a picture of Dumbo. “I’m the Dumbo, he says, they should show me a picture of myself.” That’s what I feel like. I’m the dumbo. While I was working full time, raising small children, and going back to school, he was having sex with someone else and got her pregnant. It’s the pregnancy part that really hurts me the most, I think. Ito get someone pregnant is such an intimate act. One that is no longer special to me bc I’m not the only one he did this to.
ReplyDeleteI am in therapy as well as him. He went at my request. We separated for about 1 month after the infidelity was exposed, but I did not want to leave him. I felt, and continue to feel, very loved by him. He is not the person he was when we were married years ago. He’s truly changed and become such a better man. But how do I deal with all these feelings. Dday is arriving soon for 1 year and I feel like I’m not as healed as I had hoped I’d be. Am still unable to tell my best friend, a friend who I know would be supportive. I feel like the words can’t come out of my mouth without the shame filling my body. I feel like everyone is pointing and saying, “ she’s the dumbo.”
Oh Annie, You are most definitely NOT the Dumbo. You are a loyal, hardworking, loving wife and mother whose husband lied to her. What would you say to your best friend if she told you exactly the story you posted her? My guess is you would not call her a Dumbo. You would be furious with her spouse on her behalf. Your heart would break for her and for her children who are absorbing this new reality. But you would place the blame squarely where it belonged: On the offender who lied and cheated.
DeleteI hope, for both your and your husband's sakes, that you can respect the work your husband has put in to become a man worthy of you. And I hope he has been able to apologize for not only the cheating but the lying for so many years. I hope, too, that you can support each other regarding this Other Child -- who may or may not want to some day be in your lives. But where you see pregnancy as "intimate", I see it as nothing more than a biological process. The love behind the pregnancy can be intimate or it can be mechanical or it can be any number of things. But the pregnancy itself is just...biology.
I wonder, given how deep your shame goes, if there's more stuff there in your own life that might need addressing. As my brilliant therapist often reminded me, if your response to something seems greater than the something, it's probably old stuff. I get the pain and anger and all that around discovering this but the shame? I'm wondering if that's partly "old stuff" for you.
In any case, start treating yourself the way you would this best friend that you know you can count on. And I hope you can find a way to confide in her. You deserve the support. And I can almost guarantee that "Dumbo" is the last thing she would say to you.
Thank you Elle. It’s interesting about the shame. I’m sure it has roots somewhere else for me, but I also feel it’s a “natural” response to being sexually duped. We even have words to describe husbands whose wives are cheating, like cuckold. And the cuckold is seen as a fool. So it’s a struggle for me to determine what is societal and what is my own stuff.
DeleteBut totally separate topic….I think you should start a podcast. The only recent podcast out there, IMO, on the topic of infidelity is Esther Perel’s and hers is more marriages counseling than solely focused on infidelity. The others that I listened to were not good at all. Yours would def rock.
I'm so glad I found this - I will be reading a lot. I just found out my husband met up with his ex fiance for drinks. The lies he made the day he went were elaborate and planned. I'm supposed to believe it was just drinks. My stepson was here for the weekend when I found out. So we talked a little but I saved face for the weekend. I canceled plans we had because I couldn't be a fake family. I went and met my family out and gave a lame excuse. I asked my husband for his phone numerous times in the same day. He finally relented and all his conversations with her were deleted. I searched for other texting apps thinking I would find something with them communicating and I found conversations with 2 other women from last September. I'm supposed to believe he has never done anything. I am a very logical low emotio. Perso. And I've handled this well so far. He wants to work it out and we already agreed he would go to counseling and tomorrow I'll be setting up counseling for myself.
ReplyDeleteI told him that I'm a cunt and he has never seen be be a cunt and I don't think we can survive trying to repair this fake marriage. I will no longer be playing the good wife so now when he will need support he won't be getting it from me because I did that and look what I got. I no longer want to hear about his job or about his day so I'm not sure how this is going to work.
I have no idea where to go from here. I know I didn't do this but I'm embarrassed. We will have to tell our families something because I'm not going to have his family come here and I'm not going to be able to go away with my family. I can't pretend. What do people tell people? If I don't tell the truth it let's him off. This is all very very new. It's Monday and I found out Saturday- completely accidentally
Nuclear explosion (that it, indeed, what it feels like, doesn't it?),
DeleteEverything you're feeling is perfectly normal. And you are not obligated to cover for him. That said, depending on whether or not you've got even a slight possibility of working this out, it can help to keep those around you (the ones you're not sure you can trust to be supportive) somewhat in the dark. You can tell them that you're having problems in your marriage right now and that you aren't ready to say anything further and leave it at that.
And you're smart to not trust him right now -- he has shown himself to be untrustworthy. Watch and see what he does -- does he go to therapy? Does he take steps to make clear that he wants to understand why he did this and how to make amends? Does he give you access to all his communication devices? You'll find a lot of info and support here. You are among friends. And please know, you will get through this.
I’m sorry for your situation and I know how insane everything feels for you today. I’ve covered for my husband for many years about many things with our kids, parents, friends and employers. When I learned of his affair a year ago. I decided to quit enabling him. It really helped me in those early days to vent and solicit others ears and even opinions….HOWEVER….that did sort of bite me in the ass at a point. When I decided I wanted to try and reconcile there were a lot more amends to be made and a lot more people who had become involved. I found myself wishing I were better at keeping my boundaries and preserving OUR privacy. My advice is to play the tape all the way through just in case. Find a good therapist and pick one or two best friends. Siblings and parents have a hard time overlooking down the road I have found. I’m with you. I loathe fake anything. I can’t plaster on a smile and pretend. So last year I literally refused to attend Christmas with his family. I didn’t say why. I just said I could not attend. They figured it out and I didn’t have to say a word. So hold true to yourself and remember nobody NEEDS an explanation. The best advice I got early on was “RADIO SILENCE”. It will be good for you and it will make him shake in his boots a bit and he needs to get scared to get honest I have found. Ugh…my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Unfortunately I don't know what he really wants. He said he would do whatever to make amends bit I believe nothing he says right now. I rather him let me go if deep down that's what he wants. I've sent him off for the week. When he comes back I will know more about where we all stand.
DeleteI had my 1st therapy appointment today. I have one set up for Monday- help me with whatever happened this weekend. I did tell my 2 best friends and that was all...so far.
Hi, I’m happy to finally have found a Forum with women who went through the same thing. It’s been 5 months since I found out. Got an Instagram DM from the girl who had a year long affair with my husband. I was 33 weeks pregnant. We’ve been together 3,5years of which we spent 2,5 years long distance. We got traditionally married in 2019 and planned for me to move to the US late 2020, but then corona hit and we weren’t able to see each other for months. I desperately tried to find a way and decided to quit my job and come to the US permanently on the first opportunity. I quit my job and gave up my apartment and almost all my belongings very short notice and was able to come mid 2020, after 7 months apart. I trusted him fully and we were in touch every day, so I would have never thought something might have happened, even when he seemed a little more distant and wanted less sex. We even spent a beautiful month in Europe together with my family after a change of corona rules and i got pregnant. Everything seemed exactly like I have wished for! We got legally married in the US in March and apparently the county published the names of newlyweds. That’s how she found out. She told me that they have matched on tinder a year ago and started sleeping with each other for months until he moved to another state (right before I arrived from Europe) but continued to text and occasionally call until now. They even met up when I went to Europe and he had to briefly stay back because of the election. He swears he didn’t sleep with her then because I was pregnant, but she says differently. I decided to fly back home highly pregnant but told him that he had a chance with me if he gave up everything in tje US and came to my country to make things work. He agreed and really came a few weeks later for our daughters birth and the months after. He lost his job a few days after I found out because we were in an extreme state of no sleep and emotional chaos that his performance at work suffered heavily. He tried to get a job here but it didn’t happen and he had to accept an offer from the US which isn’t even remote, so he had to go back 2 weeks ago. Since then I’m much less hopeful, feel left alone with my pain by him. He seems less eager to salvage things even though he tries to be much more transparent. I’m just so scared to be stupid to give him that chance after this huge breach of trust! But I’m not ready to let go of him… and of my dream of a future as a Family… Please be honest about what you think about this. No one in my family knows except for my sister, but I can’t really talk about it with anyone I know. I’m too scared
ReplyDeleteLayla,
DeleteI'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, especially as pregnancy should be a time of hope and planning and joy.
No-one can predict another's chance of success at reconciliation. You are the best judge of that. But really ask yourself if he's meeting you in the middle -- is he willing to do the hard things to make things better for you? Is he prioritizing you and your soon-to-be child? Is he showing you that he is willing to make himself uncomfortable in order to help you heal from such a breach of trust? Are you able to communicate your needs and trust that he will do what he can to support you?
Also, how do you anticipate this working logistically?
I hope you're in therapy where you can work through the pain of betrayal, as well as consider these really tough questions with someone who can support you emotionally.
I genuinely hope that this guy realizes what's important to him and does everything he can to get clear on why he violated your trust. In the meantime, please don't hesitate to continue to share here.
Thank you so much for answering! He was here for the birth and the first 2,5 months, my daughter turned 3 months yesterday and to be honest, she’s the best thing ever happening to me! For the most part of him being here with us those important first weeks of our daughter’s life, I was hopeful, because he is an amazing father and because he wasn’t working he was really there for us and still took financial responsibility for us here. He was the one who wanted to do couple’s therapy and paid for it. But I feel like the enthusiasm decreased heavily. He started being relieved when a therapy session got cancelled because it was starting to get expensive for him. He started to get silent and withdraw when I asked questions again because in his opinion we talked about everything already. And now that he is back in the US I feel like his priorities are shifting again and he’s more focussed on himself and work again. You asked a question, that hit a spot with me: is he willing to make himself uncomfortable in order to make you heal from such a breach of trust? … and i think that’s what unsettles me a little. I am very ambivalent because he says he’s really trying everything and it really isn’t an easy situation but I don’t trust him and I don’t know how to be a little more relaxed in this situation. I’m talking to a therapist on the phone, but it’s not a real therapy. I can’t be tenured again if I went to therapy… it helps to share here though and reading your powerful and empathetic response! Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteAnd if I can add one thing: yes it took a lot away from the joy of pregnancy and I was so scared that she’ll turn out traumatised because of the extreme emotions I went through with her in my belly. But she is such a ray of sunshine and life. She makes everything a lot easier
ReplyDeleteHello and thank you for this amazing site. My husband told me 7 weeks ago of his affair 15 years ago that lasted for 5 months, then in the weeks following he has drip few me with other interactions he has had over a period of 20 years from drunken kisses to prostitutes, massages with happy endings and his porn/wanking addiction.He has treated me with lots of emotional abuse over the years but I ducked it up with two small children. Plus we have been together since 16 so I didn't realise it wasn't normal.He has always complained at how little sex he gets from me but it's probably normal for most couples he has an extremely high sex drive to the point it's his only focus. From him coming clean he wants me to forget the past and move on like nothing happened. we have seen a councilor which helped a little and he has been really nice to me but am I crazy to think I can make this work? The trauma is still so fresh I have some many questions in my head I feel I am going insane and I can't talk about it with people close to me. For some reason I just want to have sex with him but feel yuck afterwards and feel like I am rewarding him. He said he feels bad what he did and wants to make us work but it's so hard to trust anything he is saying after so many lies.
ReplyDeleteHi, m sorry. I have a similar situation. You CAN make this work but not by forgetting the past. You can only move on by confronting the past. Your husband will have to make himself very comfortable in facing the man that he is. It sounds like he uses sex as a way to distract himself from some type of pain. He will have to go to therapy to examine himself and he may not like that, but it is the only way. That is something you can actually require of him if he wishes to get a chance to keep you with him. Elle has some great posts about why we want to have sex all the time after learning of the affair. It’s a way of binding our men to us. But def read more on this amazing site. I also recommend you get a good therapist for yourself, separate from his. This can work but it will take time and lots of effort, esp on his part.
DeleteI realize this is a risky place to post this given the sensitive nature of the subject and the pain so many have and are feeling, but figured it's worth a shot. Through a series of completely avoidable choices, I found myself becoming the other woman.
ReplyDeleteI know what caused me to seek solace from someone other than my husband and know the exact moment my "friendship" took a wrong turn. We never crossed tangible, physical lines, but it's clear the desire was mutually there. His wife knows what took place and we've never spoken to each other since then.
I owned up to my side of things with my husband and dealt with our deep skeletons.
What I wanted to immediately do is apologize, sincerely with no strings attached, to his wife. I chose not to because it would seem I was only sorry I got caught and that's not the case. It's been a few years and at times I still wish I could apologize to her but I don't know that I should.
I said and did things completely out of character for myself, but they are still things I chose to do. It was the first and only time I was ever unfaithful and the first and only time I crossed lines with with a married man. The apology, I hope, isn't for me but for her.
What would you think if the other woman genuinely owned up and apologized to you for her behavior and role in any pain you incurred from the affair? Would it help or hurt?
I realize part of helping is ghosting them but I also feel I owe her an apology. Not an explanation or excuse. Just an apology.
Anonymous, Yes, you did take a risk posting here but I suspect you will find that the betrayed women who come here are decent and compassionate and open-hearted, albeit also broken-hearted.
DeleteOther might chime in with their thoughts but here are mine.
You've taken the time to consider the choice you made without blaming anyone else. You recognize that you caused pain, although I doubt you fully understand just how much pain you caused and how that pain continues to resonate for a lifetime. And you also realize that the kindest thing you could do was disappear from their lives.
That said, there are absolutely betrayed women who want/need to hear from the other woman that she feels regret and wishes she could undo the pain she caused. So, yes, I think a genuine apology without asking for anything, without expecting anything, could be a valuable thing. So often those of us left in the ashes become convinced that the affair partner somehow escaped a reckoning. We assume that they are blithely living their lives, free of the consequences of the pain they caused. The truth, of course, is more complicated than that. We imagine too that we were a laughing stock, the butt of a joke. Knowing that the affair partner sees us as fully human, as worthy of respect and decency and, perhaps, an apology, might go a long way.
I can't, of course, predict whether the betrayed wife in this case will welcome your apology. She might respond with fury. It might create more pain. I don't know. But it seems your intentions are sincere. You might want to read this post before you move forward: https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2021/08/what-anne-lamott-can-teach-us-about.html
Whatever you do, it sounds as though you, too, learned a valuable lesson about easy it is to cross lines, to relegate others to the sidelines, to allow our pain to drive choices that cause pain to others. Affairs aren't committed by "bad" people per se. They are the act of people seeking something outside their marriage and outside themselves that should be sought in other ways. Sounds like it was a lesson you've learned well.
It very much was. Thank you for your response and perspective. I've read the recommended post and will weigh it out a little longer. Thanks again.
DeleteIf you do move ahead with an apology, I'm wondering if you'd consider sharing your story here -- however it works out. I think we all benefit from hearing each other and trying to understand.
Delete
ReplyDeleteI’m so glad I found this site, though I wish I didn’t have to search for it in the first place. It’s 3 weeks from d-day. A day I wished I would never have to face. I’ve grown up with broken families and my mum had horrible experiences in her relationships. I always dreamt that I would never go through that - and I thought I found the one man that would never do that to me. I was so wrong. I am only 25 and not yet married (probably never will be now), I have been with my partner for 4 years (living together for 3) and we have a baby girl together. My daughter is only 5 weeks old. Our situation starts with long distance love (my partner is in military). My partner left for work training when I was 6 weeks pregnant and was gone up until I was 34 weeks pregnant. We called every night though I did feel he became distant during his time away. I put this down to him being busy (boy was I wrong). I did have my suspicions of him cheating (nightmares, gut feelings etc), but he always reassured me, so I had to trust him. When he came home he was ‘off’. I knew something was wrong but I thought maybe he had fallen out of love. I found a blocked girl on my Social media (he had blocked her when I was asleep) so I asked him who it was. He said she was a friend and was worried I would get weird that he had a chick friend from his time at training. I thought this was sus but again, had no proof so had to trust him. After about 3 weeks of him being home something snapped in him. He became the most loving and nurturing partner to me - a partner I could’ve only dreamt of. This behaviour continued after my baby girl was born and i was so so happy. Until…. 3 weeks ago. I got an email from the OW. Photo proof and even a video of them kissing (ew). I was numb and in shock. My fears had become a reality. My partner admitted to it all. In the email she stated they had been together 4 times a week for months. Though my partner said she was over exaggerating and they were only together once a week. The affair lasted 3 months and it was physical and emotional (though my partner denies loving her etc). He called the affair off before he came back home though they continued to talk and fight in secrecy once he was home due to her finding out about me and wanting him to choose her. My partner explained that he was in a dark place during training though he knows this is no excuse. He said he thought he had fallen out of love but once he returned home he was filled with guilt and regret (hence the weird behaviour). He swears he was going to tell me himself but was waiting on the ‘right’ time as I was so pregnant. Whether this is true or not I will never know. I am still in shock I think. I reacted so well because I had a newborn to care for and she needed me to be okay. My partner has taken the initiative to go to counselling regularly so this never happens again. We will also be attending couples therapy and I will be seeing a counsellor myself to help process my grief. I just can’t look past the fact that he didn’t think of me and his unborn child during the time he was with the OW. I am so disgusted and I could NEVER betray someone I loved like that. I am choosing to work through it for my daughters sake but only time will tell if I can truly forgive and trust again. Oh another thing, this OW continued to try and contact my partner after he told her to stop (he blocked her on everything and she continued to call off friends phones), she even messaged two of my friends and now they know. I find that so selfish of the OW. How do you look past the judgment of others. I feel as though my friends think I’m weak for choosing to work on my relationship. Am I weak? Is it wrong to try for my daughter? I really do still love him but I don’t know what is real with him anymore. I hope this improves over time.
Ally,
DeleteYou are so courageous and so strong. To be able to deal with the agony of betrayal AND give birth and nurture a newborn...well, I bow my head to you. And I don't give a f@*k what anyone might have to say about whether it's "stronger" to stay with someone who betrays us or kick him to the curb because the only people who think it's more badass to kick him out, is someone who's likely never gone through betrayal. It takes HUGE guts to stay and work it out while also insisting that he get himself together and work on himself so that he NEVER does this again. (It can also take huge guts to leave a relationship. Nobody gets to decide what the right decision for us is except...us. We get to decide because we have to live with the consequences of our decision.)
So...now what? Well, you've already taken really important, necessary steps -- that he seek help to get clear on why he allowed himself to cross a line that he himself sees as wrong. That you have the support of a good therapist is so valuable too. Being a new mom is such a hard (and also wonderful) thing and you need as much support and nurturing as you can get. So please PLEASE make sure you're taking as good care of yourself as you are of your baby. And your baby!! What a lucky girl to have such a strong, courageous mom and one who clearly values her.
So, to recap: You are not weak. You are so strong. Giving someone the chance to become a better person is a real gift -- and it takes such courage. I hope he realizes how lucky he is. And trying to keep your daughter's dad in her and your life is to be lauded. Again, I hope he steps up and becomes the person he should have been all along.
And yes, assuming he does the work to better understand himself and be honest, then it definitely gets better with time. Relationships are hard in the best of circumstances -- and you two have had distance, military (which often brings trauma), and a new baby. That's a LOT for any couple to deal with.
But you sound extremely mature and wise. Just remember to treat yourself with the respect you deserve.
Ally,
DeleteUGH!!! I feel so much for you right now. I wish I could give you a hug. I also found out about my husband cheating when our second child was about 5 weeks old and that he was cheating while I was pregnant, even our names are similar. The excuses all sound so same and I hate how the cheaters can't really give us an explanation for why they do it, but then again, there is no acceptable reason to cheat. I too, cannot fathom how you can love someone and cheat on them! Those who have not been in our situation cannot understand how strong we have to be to stay and to also take care of a newborn. You are mature and wise, just like Elle said and I hope you realize that and get enough rest.
I am also glad that he is getting the help he needs so he will never do this again. Prayers to you mama.
PART 1
ReplyDeleteAfter stalking this site for a few weeks, I finally have the courage to share my story. I cannot express how grateful I am to have found this community. This will be long and I am still very much in the beginning stages, but this is the first time that I feel I can tell my story to others who understand and have the same feelings as I do. A little background on my husband’s job is that he is a merchant marine for the government. So he is gone for MONTHS at a time, usually 4-6, but now with covid its been 6-10 for most people. We were lucky that he was assigned to a ship in our city last year, but when Covid hit, they were stuck on the ship and I guess the stress got to him and he had to get off the ship because he got shingles. We have never had any trust issues, we have been together for 12 years and married for 6. He has had this job for 9 years. He was then assigned to another ship overseas last November and he was delayed coming home due to staffing issues and was gone for a total of 8 months, the longest we’ve ever gone without seeing each other. He left in November and came back in June only because he was able to transfer to a ship in our home town. I also found out I was pregnant with our second child 2 weeks after he left, so I was pregnant the entire time he was gone. I am an RN and work nights while also caring for our 2 year old, so this last pregnancy was very difficult for me. The last month he was on his last ship, he was telling me he was trying everything to get him home, asking if my doctor could write a note saying that I needed him home so he could FMLA, I could not understand why he was so desperate to come home, he was even getting angry because he felt I wasn’t also trying hard enough. I knew it was a long time and I wanted him home just as much because I was going crazy too, but it was just different. Like I said, just seemed more desperate. His boss was able to pull some strings and get him back on his old ship here in our city.
I noticed that when he came back his phone was always going off. He said that people on his last ship just missed him. That he was like, “the man,” over there. Hes funny and charismatic, so I figured that was probably the case. I never checked his phone because I’ve never had a reason to snoop. I ended up having our second baby a month early in July. When we were able to have sex again, he would comment how it was so amazing and that everything about it was great, which was weird to me, because our sex life had always been great and if he hadn’t had sex for 8 months it should feel amazing. Dday for me was August 25th and full disclosure was September 12th. August 25th I received a facebook message from a woman who said they had an affair 2 years ago when he was on a ship in Charleston, SC. She told me she had screen shots of some of their conversations and pictures they had sent to each other. She told me that my husband had called her boyfriend telling him that she wouldn’t leave my husband alone, so she was going to do the same and ruin his life as well. I was absolutely devastated. I never in a million years thought that my husband would cheat on me. He was always so proud to be married and loves our son so much, his family was always first. It upset me even more because during that time of this alleged affair, I was pregnant with our first son. I confronted him and he said that woman liked him and that he was just messing around with the flirty messages, but never did anything physical with her. I was completely broken by just the messages alone. They were so inappropriate to be writing as a married man. Telling her she’s pretty, calling her babe and telling her he loves her. How is that a joke?! The worst part is that he didn’t really see anything wrong with it because he swore nothing physical happened, even though she said they did. I demanded we go to counseling if he wanted to fix things and asked him if there were any other women and he swore to me that there weren’t.
PART 2
ReplyDeleteWe would go on dates and the sex was even more amazing than I could remember, I felt that we were really connecting emotionally. He was being more helpful with the kids and being so attentive to me. His phone was still going off, but I tried to push that icky feeling away, until one day I couldn’t. I snooped through his social media and found chats on his snapchat with two girls. I started screen shotting the messages and one woman, I’ll call her OW-M, asked why I was doing that (because snap chat tells you if someone screen shots your chat). I told her that I was his wife and that their messages were inappropriate. She said I had nothing to worry about because they were just friends and that he had helped her through a rough time while she was on the last ship with him. The other conversation with the other woman, who I will call OW-C were more personable. She wrote that the ship was going out to sea and he wrote that he missed her. I was livid. I demanded to know who these women were. He said they were “just friends,” from the last ship and it was flirty but that was it. That OW-M was a friend who was going through a sexual harassment issue at work and that she would talk to him about it. OW-C was a really nice girl and that they were just friends. I could not believe he was so stupid to still be talking to these women AFTER I had already given him another chance. Our counseling appointment was the next day. It was more of a housekeeping appointment and we didn’t get to discuss the issues I really wanted to talk about for the first session, but I felt that he was being honest and was willing to take the therapy seriously. He told me that OW-M messaged him asking if we were okay and he told her that we were working on things and that it was going to get better. He had to leave the next day and the his current ship went out for 2 weeks.
The day he left I went through his social media again, because something still felt off. This was full disclosure day, September 12th. I read the conversation between him and OW-M and she asked, “how the F did you hide your wife? Did she see messages from _____(I’ll call her OW-S)?!” he replied, “omg no, that would’ve been bad, but she knew I was married.” OW-M told him she wanted to tell me, “there was a bitch on the ship obsessed with your husband.” At this point all I’m seeing is red. So I messaged OW-M and ask her for the truth, which she does tell me that my husband was in fact having an affair with another woman and that she knew started at the end of March, but didn’t know who OW-C was because she (OW-M) left the ship in April due to her sexual harassment issue. OW-M swore she had no idea that my husband was married and told me that he was a major flirt. Now, my husband and I are in our early 30s and these women are in their early 20s, they are 10 years younger than us. He still has cell signal, so I call him and confront him about this OW-S and OW-C and he admits that he did have sex with them. My whole world fell completely apart that day. Messages I could most likely get over, but physical cheating? How could I? How could I be married to someone who I felt like I didn’t even know anymore? I then found out he had been messaging another woman while he was home, but stopped in August, because he said he knew it was wrong and he was trying to stop doing things that weren’t right. I then found out his friend, who is also married was trying to get him to agree to a threesome with another woman, he swears that he was never going to do it, he just wanted to see if he could if he wanted to. I could not believe this was my husband.
PART 3
ReplyDeleteI couldn’t help myself and messaged both OW-C and OW-S. I gave them a piece of my mind. It wasn’t as mean as I wanted it to be and I truly felt that I made my feelings known. I felt I did it in a classy way. Is that possible? OW-S replied and was extremely apologetic, but then again, she’s probably afraid I will tell her husband, which I have decided not to because I already have much to worry about in my own life. I know karma will get her one day. OW-C didn’t reply to me, but emailed my husband on his work email asking how the F I knew about her and that she was, “losing her fucking shit.” No apology from her, but I don’t expect one at this point. I became obsessed with knowing everything about them. I think I know more about them that my husband ever knew. That’s how crazy I got. I did find out that they didn’t know about each other, so he was also lying to them.
The most amazing thing to me is that I still love my husband. I didn’t think it was possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time. I don’t know if it was a good or bad thing that he was gone while I found everything out because I probably would’ve ripped his throat out. I had time to process everything by myself, but at the same time felt like I needed him next to me so he could just see me cry and I wanted him to see how much his bad decisions broke my heart. He does seem extremely remorseful. He’s changed his number, blocked those women on all social media and cut off all communication, which is the least he could’ve done and though his job is great financially for us and his location is okay for now, I cannot risk OW-C coming to his ship. She works for the same company as him, whereas OW-S is in the navy and only on his last ship because they have half navy personnel. He even had the nerve to tell me that he feels so much better now that I know everything and that there isn’t anything he has to hide.
I was seeing a therapist while pregnant because I was having anxiety and continued to see her after Dday, but she’s quitting and I am so sad for having to start over with someone new.
I can see that my husband is trying to change and I try really hard to focus on the man he is becoming rather than the man that he was even just a few months ago. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage because now more than ever he realizes how important I am and that he never once thought of leaving me and never stopped loving me (does that even make sense???) that even if I left him, he would never date those other women. After knowing what I know about them, I know I am better in every way. I am a great catch. At first I doubted that. That there must be something wrong with me and that’s why he wanted to cheat, because they have to want to cheat, right? There is no way, “it just happens,” like he told me. How do I know it wont just happen again? He swears he sees everything differently and would never do this again. Again, I know its still very fresh, but it already feels like a lifetime ago. My therapist said whatever decision I make, I need to make on my own and not let anyone try to change my mind. My sister thinks I need to leave him because I deserve better, which I do, but then again, she and her husband do not have kids yet and that has definitely played a huge role in my decision to stay. I read on here that someone wrote, “I was willing to fight for my family, but my husband had to fight for our marriage.” That really hit a chord with me.
PART 4
ReplyDeleteIf you made it all the way till the end, thank you for reading my story. Its been a really hard year and I am trying to stay strong and not check social media to look up those other girls and really trying hard to focus on the future instead of being stuck in that state of shock and betrayal. I cry still sometimes. Two days ago I just bawled my eyes out when my babies were napping. I tell myself its okay to feel, but at one point I know I need to start moving forward. I am probably also still hormonal too. Glad that I’m still on maternity leave, not sure how I would’ve functioned at work.
Thank you again, fellow warriors.
Oh Ali,
DeleteYou replied to my story above and I felt an instant connection with you. I am so sorry for what we’ve both gone through. We shouldn’t have ever had to experience this but we will only come out stronger (regardless of where our relationships end up).
I completely relate to your obsession with the OW (or both in your instance). I am constantly wanting to check her socials and see if she’s uploaded new photos. I constantly compare myself to her even though I know I’m much better in every way (I have a degree, I’m a loving mother, I’m mature and in my opinion I look better 😂). I’m sure you feel the same.
I want you to know that you’re not alone. I too still cry myself to sleep some days. Your kids are so blessed to have you as a mother. They are going to grow up being the strongest and most caring people. I know this because going through a trauma like this and still being able to love your betrayer is such a courageous and compassionate thing for you to do and i know you’ll pass on those qualities to your kids. As will I. I check this site often, I am always here if you want to relate some more or vent.
Good morning
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if i am doing something wrong but i shared my story but it is not showing. Should I log in or must i be a member first. It was about married for 32 years and advice on detachment. Would really appreciate some advice
My 20 yr. marriage ended in divorce when my self-obsessed husband put the final nail in the coffin by having an affair with a(n) (ex)friend of mine. In the midst of my divorce I found out I had breast cancer. He moved out two days before I went in for my breast surgery. I went through cancer 100 % on my own while my kids were completely under my care too. I spent years alone. I did later meet a man who I thought was the love of my life, and I still, sadly, deeply love him. We have been together for 5 years. (His first wife ran off with a 16 year old boy and abandoned him and their two kids!!) He raised his kids completely on his own and when his daughter was finally in college, he quickly met someone and married her. They were married for 3 months before he realized she was unstable and destructive and they divorced. She was so unstable and so jealous of even his daughter that she set his daughter up and falsely accused her of violence against her. She then put a restraining order against his 19 year old daughter so that she could no longer live with them. After they divorced, they actually tried to get back together a couple of times. A few years later he met me. I knew about her from him and his kids, and they all described her as crazy, evil and destructive. Then, this past August, I got a strange email from a woman who claimed she was having an affair with him. It was her. He did not admit the affair until she started sending me photos, texts and hotel receipts - TONS of them. She actually told me that she took every picture with the intention of sending them to me. She clearly was looking to destroy him and me. If she wasn't going to have him, nobody was. He claimed at first that their affair started around March and that they only slept together twice. He said they had very little contact before then. SHE, however, claimed that they were having an affair the entire 5 years of our relationship. I didn't know who to believe. I wanted to believe him. However, after he gave me full access to his phone (not realizing all I could see including his location history), I realized that he HAD seen her on and off for the entire 5 years. He claimed it was just "platonic" and that they occasionally got together for drinks, etc. I also found pictures that she sent him of her fake, bare breasts, and also sexting that they had done back in 2020.. I can't really know what went on all five years.. But, it hardly matters. I found out about the affair in Aug. The woman has been harassing me since then and I have had to go to the police. On top of that, I am absolutely gutted by the betrayal. It still think about literally every minute of every day, and it is excruciatingly painful - it is harder for me to deal with than having cancer. I am broken and destroyed. He has begged me for forgiveness and desperately wants to try to work things out. He is now in therapy to try to understand his self-destructive behavior with this mad woman, and I am in therapy just to try to become functional again. The crazy thing is that I do love him. I think he has problems, but I don't think he is a "bad" person per se - but maybe I am kidding myself. It's been almost 3 months and I still struggle with eating - I've lost about 25 lbs, and I can barely sleep and barely function much of the time. I HAVE agreed to try, because I want to see if it is possible for us to work it out.. I cry every day and struggle to make sense of any of it. He claims it meant nothing to him and that he doesn't know why he made such terrible mistakes. I do think she coerced him, but he was clearly a willing participant. Sometimes I feel like I won't survive this. I am a strong person, and a fighter but this feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I feel such sadness. I am desperate for relief but can't seem to find any. We plan to leave the city we live in to try to get away from this crazy madwoman. I don’t know if it will help. Am I crazy to even try with him?
ReplyDeleteKristen, I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate to your story because I too left a first unhappy marriage only to marry again and be betrayed. And I too had breast cancer with a bilateral mastectomy. It’s a lot of trauma to suffer through in one life so I get it. The thing is you do not have to make any decisions right now. Breathe. Rest. Try to take care of yourself. There will be pain and the pain must run its course. You will heal, but it will take time. If your husband is truely remorseful and willing to face his demons in therapy, you will see a change over time. And you may see him as a new man, separate from the one who caused so much trauma. Or you may not like the man you see. But the choice doesn’t have to happen now, while you are in agony. Actually, it should not happen now. Psychology tells us we should make no major life decisons during times of great turmoil. The pain is unavoidable- you can’t get past it, you must go through it. But you will emerge on the other side of the pain, I promise. If you are a fan of Beyoncé, I recommend listening to the Lemonade album. It’s about her experience with infidelity with JayZ and she takes you through all the emotions that infidelity creates. Continue to write here as you need to and to update us.
DeleteHi Kristen, I’m really sorry for your pain. I understand it too having been betrayed by infidelity in both my first and current marriage as well as having breast cancer too. You do not have to make any decisions right now and in fact you should not. Right now you need to take care of yourself and heal. What you do about your husband can wait. Right now you need to breathe, rest, and feel your pain. This is the hardest part as there is no escaping the pain. You can’t go past it or around it. You must go through it and I promise you that you will emerge on the other side. Your husband needs to work on himself and make himself a better man, one that you might consider being with. But he has lots of work to do and it won’t be pretty. Your marriage as you knew it, is dead. You can start new and better if he can put in the work. But that’s up to him, not you. If you like misunderstood, I found Beyoncé’s Lemonade album really healing. She takes the listener through all the emotions of being with a cheater, including rage, then finally forgiveness. Whether you get to Beyoncé’s final point or not doesn’t really matter as your husband needs to step up if that’s to even be a consideration.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and read through the posts here. Elle is a genius and offers so much wonderful advice. Good luck on your journey toward peace.
Hi Kristen, I’m really sorry for your pain. I understand it too having been betrayed by infidelity in both my first and current marriage as well as having breast cancer too. You do not have to make any decisions right now and in fact you should not. Right now you need to take care of yourself and heal. What you do about your husband can wait. Right now you need to breathe, rest, and feel your pain. This is the hardest part as there is no escaping the pain. You can’t go past it or around it. You must go through it and I promise you that you will emerge on the other side. Your husband needs to work on himself and make himself a better man, one that you might consider being with. But he has lots of work to do and it won’t be pretty. Your marriage as you knew it, is dead. You can start new and better if he can put in the work. But that’s up to him, not you. If you like misunderstood, I found Beyoncé’s Lemonade album really healing. She takes the listener through all the emotions of being with a cheater, including rage, then finally forgiveness. Whether you get to Beyoncé’s final point or not doesn’t really matter as your husband needs to step up if that’s to even be a consideration.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and read through the posts here. Elle is a genius and offers so much wonderful advice. Good luck on your journey toward peace.
Learned of a 2 year affair on our 10th anniversary October 9. Married 10 years, together 17. Just really hard to cope with. We’re in counseling. Couples and individual. I feel lost, alone, and inadequate.
ReplyDeleteI found out my H was having an affair on the 9th October 2021. We have Neen together 24 years, married 13 years and have 2 children.
ReplyDeleteHe has been cheating for nearly a year.
They wen to same School. She works in a shop in the Town where he works. He calls to her shop during the day. He calls to her home after work.
I confronted him and he said he was sorry and that he would finish it.
Over the following 2 weeks things are better between us, no arguing and he’s home earlier from work and not heading out at night. Our intimate relationship is back, we make time for each other. Everything feels right. Unfortunately, I fall sick, nasty headcold. I get distracted trying to look after my own health, the kids, feeling miserable, stressed, need covid test, Dr call, antibiotics, sick note for work. I was ill for nearly 2 full weeks. Life continues and then he’s back to being cross and angry with me and the kids again. I start to wonder.
On 17th Nov I find hes still lying to me, there he is sexting and texting her. They are meeting again. Nude pics to each other. They are kissing and messaging 10-20 times each day He calls me a virus, he wants a vodu doll to have things happen to me so they can be together. I’m numb. He's sending her photos of our son. That’s it I decide I can’t live this way any longer.. I head to work the next morning and then text him and his family showing a snapshot .I’m broken....I say H DONT COME HOME and then ask the family to collect the kids and keep them overnight. I will pick them up tomorrow.
H has watched porn on the TV, which I have never minded. I have caught him texting another woman many many years ago on a separate phone. He stopped when I found out and asked him. I have had messages through the years from 2 women who said he wanted to text them from Facebook messenger. I know he has hundreds of friends on Facebook, some with very explicit photos. I know he likes nude photos and pornographic videos on his phone. I can’t understand how he can have these photos next to family photos in his Gallary on his phone.
I’m hurt, so hurt, angry, heartbroken. I’ve a pain in my chest. I feel betrayed. My stomach is in knots. I’ve a lump at the back of my throat. I keep crying. My mind is racing constantly. Ive read and reread the message streams. Im so tired but I can’t sleep properly. I’m searching google for answers. I'm stuck. I’m confused because sometimes I think I actually feel sorry for him...he genuinely seems to be in love with her. Im so angry. I’m shocked at how stupid I’ve been. Why didn’t I see it. I’ve been so consumed with keeping my loved ones safe from Covid, I’ve been so scared the last year and a half. I’ve been so distracted with work drama. I’ve put all my energy into trying to cope with it all and I completely missed what’s been happening. I’m so angry with them discussing me. I love him. I hate him. One second I want to fight for us and the next I’m not sure I want to fight for our marriage. I’m cross with myself for letting him make me feel this way. My parents are going to be shocked, I’m going to disappoint them. I’m worried I’ll hurt them if they find out. I’m ashamed of my H. I’m embarrassed. I haven’t told my friends or my own family. I want to tell my bestfriend but I’m scared she’ll tell me to leave him. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I rang my Dr on Wed and told him that my husband is cheating on me, I cried on the phone while I explained that I needed someone to talk to. He sent me a text with options and numbers. I googled them and on Thurs I contacted Apex and received a message back. I’m waiting for an appointment to see a psychologist, I was told I should get a phone call Monday pm with apt details. Today is Fri 19th Nov. ....
I am so sorry to hear the pain you are in. You are in the right place. All the people on this site know what you are going through. There are several resources available. Please check out BTR.org or PartnerHope. Both deal with porn use and sexually acting out. The kicker is you will not feel like this forever. It will just feel like it. Take care of yourself and your kids and stay safe. He is a grown man who allowed his bad decisions to hurt you. Don't let him hurt you anymore.
DeleteI have been married for 23 years. We have had ups and downs, but cheating/lying was something my husband said would never happen. I always had some suspicions over the years, but always trusted him because I never found anything…..until I did. I was looking at his Apple Watch and found messages, she was talking about “ is it bad that I’m feeling extra naughty”. He replied “only because I can’t take advantage of its”. She wrote “daydreaming about our hands on time” and then there was some “ Love and kisses to my Angel” replies from him to her. I confronted him, he admitted to texting, I also found long phone calls between them. He says there was never physical, it just “got out of hand and it was just talk”….they work in the same building. He lets me see his texts, but how do I get over this? I try talking and he basically is now saying I need to stop being “weird” and move on. That I can’t keep holding this over his head basically….I’m so hurt, it’s been 3 months since I found out. He says they never talk anymore, but it’s so hard. I go to worse case and imagine terrible things. I have told my Mom, but no one else. Thanks for this venue, I might look into counseling for myself.
ReplyDelete1. I am sorry you have come to the club NO ONE wants to join. 2. Please tell me he is not demanding you just go ahead and trust him again, without him earning back your trust. If he wants to stay with you he must accept the fact that it's your heartbreak , your rules{not he's} your healing. Please do more than just consider therapy. It has saved many of us. Two resources that I have found helpful are BTR.org and PartnerHope. Good luck and stay safe.
DeleteHello -
ReplyDeleteI’m so lost and feel so isolated. I have no BFF, and my friendships are casual and few. My young adult daughters clearly cannot be used as my therapist (and, yes, I’ve considered therapy).
I feel like my entire 30 year marriage was a mistake. We married too quickly, had kids too quickly.
Soon it was obvious we were sexually incompatible. My husband wanted “quickies” and rarely cared about my sexual needs. He said he thought oral sex was “gross.” I had previously had a fabulous sex life, so I was pretty bitter. We talked and talked and talked about how to improve things, and even went to a marriage retreat. Nothing changed, and after a while, I just gave up. Sex became perfunctory.
Fast forward to 2019 (we’d been married 27 years).
Husband comes home on administrative leave for sexual harassment. Admits to getting blow jobs from a co worker in our car. Admits to multiple sexually charged flirtations at work.
We go to counseling. Nothing changes, really. He says he has sex addiction.
He loses his job (high powered exec making big money). We have to sell our home. We manage to purchase a small manufactured home in a coastal town- which was my dream.
I stayed because I couldn’t afford at 62 to live apart.
Things were ok for a while- no intimacy- I made it clear that chapter was closed. I told him with a little effort, we could have had smoking hot sex for 30 years, but he never made any effort to try. We function as pleasant roommates and do have some laughs together.
Recently I’ve been frustrated because my husband has started to sleep during the day, or stare at his phone. I’m much more active than him, and I resent that every hike or road trip is initiated by me. I’m not going to sit on the couch for the rest of my life.
Fast forward to November 2021. He is served with court papers. He’s being sued by a woman from his prior job (harassment, hostile work environment etc). The documents from the Plaintiff have made me feel so unimportant, unloved, neglected, hopeless, and angry.
The documents reveal a pattern of inappropriate behavior going back to 2003. Porn at work, notes from women who he worked with who apparently were too afraid to come forward about how “creepy” my husband was. One woman called him the “office perv.”
I distinctly remember a rate office party we attended. I was very proud of my husband because he was successful and well-liked at his office. A lot of woman at the party were giving me “side-eye” and strange smiles. At the time, I thought “oh, they are jealous of me for being married to such a great guy.” Now I realize their looks probably meant “jokes how can she be married to that creep?” I feel so ashamed and hurt.
We could lose our little house in this lawsuit. Since we never got his “golden parachute” because he was fired, we live on our social security.
It would be very difficult for me to leave him now. I will be getting a large inheritance from my mother when she dies, but I feel awful thinking my beloved mom must die in order for me to leave my husband!
I’m having terrible stomach pain and I’m sure it’s from all this stress.
I’m not afraid of living alone, and I certainly don’t want a “new” man. But at night, I cry. I cry because I’m a good, loving, decent human being who feels as if she was never really loved, valued or cherished.
AmyK,
DeleteI am so so sorry for the pain you're in. Your husband has made it clear to everyone (from the sounds of it) who he is and shows no signs of wanting to become someone different. That's his choice. It's time to talk about yours. Your choices seem to me to be to stay, with what you have now as your status quo (though, as you note, you might lose the house. I hope you, too, will get a good lawyer and protect what is yours). This option likely feels the least scary because it's what you already know. Or you can do the incredibly scary thing of leaving. You are in your 60s, not 102. You likely have at last a couple of decades in which you can live a fuller life. It probably sounds terrifying -- but that's only because it's unknown. Our brains always tend toward the familiar over the unfamiliar.
For a start, I would urge you to get to a therapist. Someone who can help you chart a path forward that feels authentic and interesting. It will require you to stretch outside of your comfort zones. Perhaps you will nurture those perfunctory friendships into something deeper. Perhaps you will get involved with groups who share a love of the activities you do.
But that's the thing, AmyK, YOU will be the one creating the life you want. And though you may have to live without the material comforts you've enjoyed, it sounds as though that's only temporary. Cherish every moment with your mother while you've got her but I have little doubt she would be delighted to know that she can leave you in a position of freedom. What's the point of money if we can't use it to make life a little easier for those we love?
But I don't think you should wait for leaving to be "easier", AmyK. I think you've wanted to leave for a very very long time and there has always been a reason to just put up with things. But given that your husband seems quite comfortable letting you put up with things rather than actively trying to make amends or become a better man, well, I don't know what you're waiting for.
Whatever you decide to do, AmyK, it's YOUR choice. Not mine. Not anyone else's. I only know what you've told me here and I am well aware that marriage is far more than a few sentences on a page. But I urge you to make a choice that doesn't feel safe so much as dignified, one that treats you as worthy of the love, value and cherishing that you know you deserve.
I am new here, and not even sure where to begin. I WAS dating someone 6yrs until I recently found out he had been dating two other woman also. 1 for 3yrs and one for 4. Never hardly ever did anything with me, but tons of things with them. But yet tells me he truly wants me, has cut all ties with them, but of course, we all have pretty much cut ties to him. Obviously feels awful how bad he hurt me, but yet continued to still do it. All the way up to last week, even though I considered giving him a chance, and he knew this for the last 2wks. As of tonight he has been crying saying he'll do whatever it takes to get me back, and I just truly don't think I can ever trust again. Of course I have made the mistake of reaching out to friends and as we know, that never helps matters.
ReplyDeleteConfused.....
Confused,
DeleteI don't think you're confused at all. I think you know exactly who this man is. He has SHOWN you who he is. You just wish he was someone else and wishing is a powerful thing. It's a tricky thing. It can convince us to ignore what we KNOW and instead follow what we WISH.
Reaching out to your friend wasn't a mistake at all. I hope those friends told you that are worth so much more than you realize, that this man doesn't deserve a second chance (you gave him SIX YEARS already), that you will be just fine. You will be better than fine but first...you need to leave this guy in the rear-view mirror.
Hallo to everyone, I am writing from Italy, and I am very happy to have found this blog becouse I could find nothing of the sort in italian.
ReplyDeleteI have a question for Elle, and for all the betrayed women that have stayed, and are some years from the D days: is there anyone that has reconciliated after living apart, and how did they manage it?
In June 2020 I have found out that my much loved husband of 23 years was cheating on me, with a co-worker that was working with me also, we work in the same place. It has been a sickening experience, he had been having this affair with her for the last 10 years. It was devastating, like the world turning upside down, he was the honest, hard working, true love of mine, and I was the love of his life, he continued to repeat even when discovered. I was in shock, as you all know too well. We had at the time one 15 year old girl and a 21 year old boy, I sent him with them on the programmed family holiday to Venice, and I took time for my self and went walking on my own on the Santiago pilgrim route in Spain. It took me 10 days and 220 km walking, crying, praying to come back with the resolution that I did not want to change in a bitter woman, that I wanted to protect my ability to love and have faith in people, but I felt such rage and pain at the time (and today still) that I could not figure how I could keep this man near me, in my bed. So I told him I could no longer live with him, even if I could not decide right then to leave him or that our marriage was ended. I proposed we take turns in being with our grown up children, one week each in our family home, and the other week we alternately live in a family holiday house we own, so the children stay all the time in the same place and we shift.
It has been a year and a half since my Santiago walk and resolution, he has left the other woman straight away, not without a tail of her desperate messages and him feeling he should respond, that was terrible for me and hat pushed me to say we were ended as a couple, I told him we were separated, he was free and I was free, and did not want to talk to him if not about the children. Since then the OW has disappeared, after 6 months from D day he started therapy, he has been present with the children, and trying to make things better .
It is a year now that we live separately, keeping money in common, taking turns in the family house, washing each others clothes along with the children’s, being polite to each other. I am in therapy, talk with good friends, go running , have my faith and a good priest I talk to, I journal daily and have a job I love... But I really feel stuck now after a year and a half .
Should I ask him what are his intentions and what he is doing with his sentimental life? To have free access to his phone and mail… means commitment on my behalf that I don’t think I am ready to give. I feel in my gut that he is not a worthy man, he is very broken: he wants to love me and really believes when he says me and the children are all his life, but I feel he is not capable of doing what he says. Is it just becouse I have seen it happen once? I immagine that if someone cheats once, it is a mistake, but it is not something that changes who you are. But cheating for 10 years, 10 years of lies...does change you and make you a different person.
So... should I stay or shoul I go? What is it that made you stay? How did you decide that, and how did you overcome the clench in the stomach I feel every time he gets near me and shows affection... I always feel I have to stay guarded, never relax... the triggers you get when you remember things... how do you manage trusting to sleep in the same bed with him... Has anybody experienced reconciliation after living apart? and how did you manage?
Thank you, I'm sorry for the long post, I wanted to draw the picture for you...Thank you for reading
Anonymous,
DeleteWe all want clarity. We want guarantees. We want to now that whatever decision we make – stay or go – it is the RIGHT decision. That we will not have regrets.
But...none of us can give you that. All any of us can do is make the best choice we can with what we know. An waiting -- resting and waiting -- is a choice too. If you aren't sure what choice to make, then it's perfectly reasonable to wait. Especially in the wake of the trauma that is betrayal. We need time to get our feet beneath us again.
You ask what made me stay. Like yours my husband cheated over many years. I stayed because I took some time to wait and in that waiting, I noticed how hard my husband was working, how much he was changing and I loved and respected that about him. I stayed because I came to understand what he got out of cheating on me, how damaging it was to him (as well as our family), and how broken he was. Even if I left, he told me, he was sick of who he was and so he was going to become a man who deserved me, even if he lost me. So I stayed. And I haven't regretted staying. But...who knows? There is no right/wrong, there is only what feels right for you.
Giulia
ReplyDeleteHallo to everyone, I am writing from Italy, and I am very happy to have found this blog becouse I could find nothing of the sort in italian.
I have a question for Elle, and for all the betrayed women that have stayed, and are some years from the D days: is there anyone that has reconciliated after living apart, and how did they manage it?
In June 2020 I have found out that my much loved husband of 23 years was cheating on me, with a co-worker that was working with me also, we work in the same place. It has been a sickening experience, he had been having this affair with her for the last 10 years. It was devastating, like the world turning upside down, he was the honest, hard working, true love of mine, and I was the love of his life, he continued to repeat even when discovered. I was in shock, as you all know too well. We had at the time one 15 year old girl and a 21 year old boy, I sent him with them on the programmed family holiday, and I took time for my self and went walking on my own on the Santiago pilgrim route in Spain. It took me 10 days and 220 km walking, crying, praying to come back with the resolution that I did not want to change in a bitter woman, that I wanted to protect my ability to love and have faith in people, but I felt such rage and pain at the time (and today still) that I could not figure how I could keep this man near me, in my bed. So I told him I could no longer live with him, even if I could not decide right then to leave him or that our marriage was ended. I proposed we take turns in being with our grown up children, one week each in our family home, and the other week we alternately live in a family holiday house we own, so the children stay all the time in the same place and we shift.
It has been a year and a half since my Santiago walk and resolution, he has left the other woman straight away, not without a tail of her desperate messages and him feeling he should respond, that was terrible for me and that pushed me to say we were ended as a couple, I told him we were separated, he was free and I was free, and did not want to talk to him if not about the children. Since then the OW has disappeared, after 6 months from D day he started therapy, he has been present with the children, and trying to make things better .
It is a year now that we live separately, keeping money in common, taking turns in the family house, washing each others clothes along with the children’s, being polite to each other. I am in therapy, talk with good friends, go running , have my faith and a good priest I talk to, I journal daily and have a job I love... But I don’t feel interest in other men, I still love him even if I cant live with him, I really feel stuck now after a year and a half .
Should I ask him what are his intentions and what he is doing with his sentimental life? To have free access to his phone and mail… means commitment on my behalf that I don’t think I am ready to give. I feel in my gut that he is not a worthy man, he is very broken: he wants to love me and really believes when he says me and the children are all his life, but I feel he is not capable of doing what he says. Is it just becouse I have seen it happen once? I immagine that if someone cheats once, it is a mistake, but it is not something that changes who you are. But cheating for 10 years, 10 years of lies...does change you and make you a different person.
So... should I stay or shoul I go? What is it that made you stay? How did you decide that, and how did you overcome the clench in the stomach I feel every time he gets near me and shows affection... I always feel I have to stay guarded, never relax... the triggers you get when you remember things... how do you manage trusting to sleep in the same bed with him... Has anybody experienced reconciliation after living apart? and how did you manage?
Thank you, I'm sorry for the long post, I wanted to draw the picture for you...Thank you for reading
Hello Giulia. Unfortunately , you are the only one who can make this decision. The average time to start healing is 3-5yrs. And it is different for everyone. Have you tried couples counseling? Or mediation? Either way, It sounds like it is time to have a serious talk. Trust your self. Take care of you and your kids. Hugs. You sound more put togeather than I, right now. Good luck.
DeleteGiulia, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Long term affairs are very challenging, and I believe you are correct when you say they change who you are. All the lies and deceit to keep them going has got to impact one's character significantly.
ReplyDeleteMy husband carried on a 16 year affair with a woman in another country when he worked abroad. She was nearly 20 years younger. When he turned 65 he said he would semi-retire and would spend 3 months at home alternating with 3 months working. Only he wasn't 'working', he was setting up his mistress in a business and living with her in her country. He told her the same lie for his 3 month absences.
It has been 6 1/2 years since the first D-day, 4 1/2 years since he last contacted the mistress and 2 1/2 years since the last D-day when I discovered Facebook photos over many, many years of his other life with this woman. Heartbreaking!
I stayed for a number of reasons. We are in our 70s now. We have 3 wonderful children (who know nothing of their father's betrayal), and 7 beautiful grandchildren. Four members of our family have serious health issues. I wanted our financial resources to go to them when we're gone, not the other woman. My husband had some significant health issues when he came home for good. We have been married 53 years.
As for coming back together again, it has been one day at a time. The old marriage is finished. I don't feel the same about my husband anymore. I resent being burdened with this horrendous secret. However, he has changed significantly. He is much kinder, respectful, affectionate and tells me every day how much he loves me. I expect nothing less and he is well aware this is his only chance. I am quite capable of living just as easily without him.
I have changed significantly as well. There isn't a day I don't think about the affair, but like you I do not want to end up bitter so I fight through the sadness, the triggers, the losses. I have found enormous comfort from Elle and the amazing women here. You will find much wisdom here that might help you on your journey. But I think, as 'just me' pointed out, it is early days still in your healing journey. You sound like an amazing lady, you are doing all the right things. Keep your heart open. You are a woman of faith and scripture tells us nothing is impossible with God. Hugs.
Jenna thank you.
Deleteit is so conforting to have an answer here, I feel there are people that really know my pain. I am sorry for your story, but you give me faith. It is so good to have other women that are furter ahead in this journey.
Just me, thank you for your answer,"trust yourself" struck a chord with me.
ReplyDeleteI have another question: if it is his choice, his problems that have casued the cheating and the pain, how can mediation and couples counselling solve it? Is it not sharing responsability for something that is not ours? I am doing my own therapy to support me trough this mess, and of course I have made mistakes in our marriage, and have issues too... but I do not feel there is trust and safe space for me to get out my issues whith a man that betrayed my faith so badly.
I do not feel put together... I am just very rational and I spend a long time thinking over things...
hugs to you
A really good couples counselor is their to help communication be open and honest. they do not choose sides, they do not let feelings get run over or ignored. But they are few and far between. Be carefull of the sex addict industry, it is not what it seems. A few new resources I have found that have really helped in the past 2 months are, yourstoryissafehere.com chumplady.com or BTR.org . As for rational, I have discovered CPTSD is a lot of things. Rational is not one of them.
DeleteGuila,
ReplyDeleteMeditation isn't for the both of you, it is for you (though it will likely help you in all your interpersonal relationships). As for counselling, he should absolutely be in counselling himself in order to get clear on why he risked the love of his life for a woman he could drop in a moment. He needs to figure himself out.
I wouldn't do couples counselling until he has had some time in personal counselling to bring some insight into couples counselling. And please know, while we ALL make mistakes in our marriage, we are NEVER responsible for a partners' choice to cheat. Never.
This blog is amazing.thankbyou so much Elle and all the other club members who don't want to be here. I was having such a dark day today and feeling so alone and I stumbled across this and as awful as it is reading everyone's pain, it has helped me feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteMy story: on Xmas Eve just past my husband was visiting a long term friend for morning tea and to exchange presents. I knew her long before he did but they had been working together on and off for a few years and had built up a friendship. I saw from several years ago that she was infatuated with him, laughed loudest at his jokes, looked longer at him etc but trusted him implicitly and felt sorry for her really. This year we will have been together 40 years and married for 35 and whilst he could have been a more attentive father and more supportive of me - always too preoccupied with work and his own interests (common story it seems) we had a pretty good marriage and, in fact, due to COVID and working from home, we're spending and enjoying more time together than we had for some time, especially as our 24 and 21 years old children, both with mental health issues, were becoming more independent.
Anyway, I had felt a bit iffy about the friendship for sometime but didn't want to be the jealous wife as I had no reason not to trust him. But then, a few weeks before Christmas, when he said he'd been invited for morning tea on Xmas Eve (she never included me in her invites), I asked him what he'd bought her and he said "earrings". That raised a red flag as previously he'd only got her a bottle of wine or a nice tea. I didn't say anything but thought "hmmm". Then, also a few weeks before Xmas, he had a work social gathering at home. She was the first to turn up and the last to leave. For some (intuitive in hindsight) reason I had this photographic memory of her when she arrived and said hello. She looked uncomfortable/nervous. She was a nervy sought of person so I didn't think too much of it, but something niggled and the image stuck
ReplyDeleteRoll on Xmas Eve and off he goes to morning tea. We had Ben busy preparing the house for Xmas day and he still had to mow the lawn. Morning tea was at 10, hadn't seen or heard from him by after 12, so rang, no answer. More than two hours for morning tea seemed excessive and I jokingly thought "they're probably bonking each other" OR he's left and is elsewhere organising something for me for Xmas. Another hour passed. I rang again. He answered "just leaving now" but he sounded strange and, again, trusting me, thought I wonder if she a problem he had to deal with, but at the same the red flag was waving more vigorously. Which is why, when he eventually returned, 3 hours later, and hastily began mowing before our first visitor arrived, I went to his phone, still thinking I was being paranoid and jealous and would feel foolish but no. There were the messages. They'd been having a full on emotional affair for seven weeks and for a few years before that, it had been pretty borderline for a married man (she is not currently married).
ReplyDeleteDuring the seven weeks our daughter had overdosed in another city and whilst I headed off by myself to the hospital, he stayed at home and messaged HER for comfort. Matching days and times later I now realised why he had been so cold when I had rung during my drive: " why are you ringing, aren't you driving?". Hands free car calls were not unusual between us but obviously this time, whilst I was seeking comfort, he was deriving it elsewhere. I do believe it was never physical as the text messages, whilst sickeningly lovey dovey in places, never suggested physical longing etc. It was more like reading a first love convo between two 12 year olds! So Xmas was not fun (understatement) but we have been talking and talking and I believe and understand when he says he doesn't know what happened but was seduced by the unflappibg admiration and the dopamine rush of his responses. His remorse and pain at returning to reality has been intense and he ended the 'friendship' the day after Boxing Day.
ReplyDeleteI took a screenshot of another post today which talked about how ironic it is that these men can feel so liberated after ending an affair and become so honest and emotional whilst leaving us "curled in a foetal position on the floor". That's where we are at now and he is promising and actively becoming the attentive husband he never has been, but, why,oh why, did this have to happen first??? I know, compared too many others that my experience is more minimal -seven weeks and no physical affair - but the betrayal and the massive shake up of a life I thought I had known is excruciating. I can't imagine how long this is, but writing it has been cathartic - thank you.
Well well well. Where to start my story. I heard my husband on his phone in his garage one night around 10pm. Not the normal. When he came out of the garage I asked him who he was talking to. He said his son. I asked him if I could see his phone and he handed it to me. The last call was to me not his son. So I asked to see his other phone. He freaked out and said no. I told him we needed to talk. We sat at separate ends if the sofa and I asked him over and over what was going on. Finally he said I have been seeing someone. I asked if he was in love with her and he said yes. I asked if she loved him and he said she says she does and I think we have a future together. That was the beginning of a life for almost a year if pure hell.
ReplyDeleteI will be back with more of my story soon
ReplyDeleteBeen married for 23 years, going on 24. Found out my husband had an affair back in 2010/2011. The affair lasted for 3 years. How I found out? For the past 7 years, my husband has "mentioned" this woman who helped him with insurance. He would always say, "my friend...said I should do this with our insurance..." So I did not think anything of it because that would be the extent of the conversation. Well, this all came to a head back in October 2021.
ReplyDeleteWhile we were on family vacation, I noticed that he sent some pictures of himself and our sons to someone via text. Interestingly enough, I was not in the picture. When I confronted him about it, he was like, "oh, its the insurance lady...she means nothing to me...you're the one I want, I'm in love with you and I love you...you have nothing to worry about." Then he asks, "tell me what I need to do to make it right" So I told him to make sure that if she contacts him again to let me know. So of course he says, no problem. Well, guess what. She contacted him and invited him to a "Bible Study". Not only did she invite him to a bible study, she came up to his job to drop off the book they were going to be reading". So I found out and I asked him about why he did not tell me. He says, "oh...I did not think about it". So I asked him well, how come she invited you to the Bible study and did not extend the invitation to me. I told him that I would like to attend the Bible study as well and I think we should attend as a couple.
At first he was hesitant and said, let me think about it. So the next day, apparently he reached out to her and told her how I was feeling. She asked him if it was ok to contact me to invite me to the Bible study. He agreed.
So she calls me, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "oh I am a born again christian and I want to apologize for having a relationship with your husband...so do you want to come to my Bible study?" I felt so stupid!
Basically, I have been deceived for the past decade or so. I keep reminding myself that it is not my fault and I am not crazy! and it takes a twisted individual to be able to keep up such a lie for so long.
Hello ladies. I am so glad I found you all because reading through your stories and different experiences of healing has helped me so, so much. Thank you x
ReplyDeleteHere’s a brief background to my situation.
Husband and I have been together for 22 years. Married for 12. No children by choice. The affair came out last year in 2021. Currently together and going to couples therapy.
It’s coming up to the first D-Day anniversary. But I have 3/4 of them. They are:
1.Husband out of the blue saying he’s unhappy and needs space to think about our future. But there is nobody else. I’m devastated. I was happy and loved him very much.
2.Four weeks later, after digging, I discover an ‘emotional affair’ with a co-worker. He loves her but claims that nothing has happened.
3.Less than a week later and after more digging from me the true details come out. It’s a full blown sexual affair that has been going on for five and a half years. He was planning on leaving me but was always very torn in his decision. I'm shattered into a million pieces.
4. Four months later, after nursing him through a mental breakdown and starting on the road to recovery for both of us and for our marriage, I had to hear from ‘her’ that he had continued to see her throughout the summer. She was incredibly cruel to me during this conversation.
So all 4 dates hold deep pain for me. Plus for a bonus there is the anniversary of his "stress induced psychosis", where I invited the other woman into my house so we could help track him down (calling police, coast guard etc.) because I didn't know where he was but I KNEW something was wrong with him and thought he was going to kill himself. His elderly mother was with him and wouldn’t give me any details of where they were but he came close to killing them both because he thought assassins were after him (working for me!!!) and wanted to go on his own terms and not leave his mother behind. The mind is a strange thing. The next day his mother finally called the ambulance and he went to hospital. So that date is squashed in between D-Day 3 and 4 just for extra pain.
For a karma bonus the other woman crashed her car stinking drunk on D-Day 4, whilst on her way over to confront me at my disabled father’s house, who I was looking after at the time. Nobody was hurt, thank goodness. This was after telling me on the phone how much she hated me and that she didn’t give a fuck about my feelings. Cost her >10k in car repairs and solicitor fees. Plus she lost her license for 20 months. She’s a real peach. I know there is danger in hanging on to hate but I really can’t get past it with her. I despise her. But I hope I can let that go one day.
2021 for me was truly the worst year of my life. I feel like I have made progress since and I believe that the changes in me can be for the better. Yet, I still mourn the love I used to have for my husband. I will never feel that way about him again and I find that so incredibly sad.
I'm so sorry you have been through this. I hope it gets better for you. Put yourself first.
DeletePART 1
ReplyDeleteNot sure where to start. I've never written my story down on any website or anywhere before, but I've felt compelled to for a long time and I've felt that, even though it may dig some of it up for me in doing so, it will probably actually help with gaining the next stage of closure for me. And I feel very strongly that if I can help anyone, even one scared or desperate person, by sharing my story then it's worth doing.
I'm a gay man in my late thirties, and I'll have been with my boyfriend for 13 years this March. I was 25 when we met and he was just turned 23. We have lived together in a home we bought ourselves for the last 8 years. We have had a happy relationship for many years, obviously with its ups and downs like everyone's, but people have said to us for years how suited we are together, how in love we seem and what a nice, happy life we seem to have together. And they were right. We really did have those things. But we love our own projects (work, education, personal projects and hobbies) and I think we took too much from the relationship in the last few years without putting enough effort in. We both thought we were so strong as a couple that our relationship would just tick by without putting in effort. We were wrong.
So I found out 19 months ago, in July 2020, that he had cheated on me the summer before, with his gay male colleague, twice. His company had organised a work trip to visit a European city in May 2019, and him and his colleague, N, were to be sharing a room. N was not 'out' at work at the time, even though it was very obvious to me (the couple of times I'd met him) and my boyfriend that he was likely gay. N is a really closed-book kind of guy: even his own work friends at their small company describe him as having a 'permanent poker face', and that 'he never answers questions naturally, always tries to portray an image of himself, telling you what he seems to think you want to hear, and you never really know the real N'. He's a pretty good-looking guy and I was concerned about them having to share a room together. I told my boyfriend I wasn't happy about it at all. The thing is, on this work trip abroad, everyone in the company was having to share a room, in order for them to be able to stay in this grand palace place as part of the trip (which was part of the reason for going, because of the kind of work they are in). They lumped my boyfriend and N in a room together because they were the only two guys working at their small company of about 12 people, other than the boss in his late 60s and another guy in his 50s. They felt my boyfriend and N were an obvious choice to share.
My boyfriend and I were going through a difficult, strained time in 2019. I was in the final stages of a 3-year huge personal project, one that had admittedly taken over my life enormously, and, in turn, my boyfriend's also very much so, if I'm honest. When that project began to reach its final stages in early 2019, I became severely depressed for a few months. I've always struggled a bit with stress and anxiety and occasional low moods, which I keep at bay by meditating, but this was heavy. I felt myself withdrawing from the relationship, my sex drive literally vanished (I was so anxious that I became almost afraid of my boyfriend trying to touch or kiss me when we went to bed at night), and I just became consumed by my depression and anxiety for a couple of months that I guess I started unintentionally withholding my love for him. We 'celebrated' our 10th anniversary that March, but it felt very flat and a bit hollow, considering it was a milestone I'd looked forward to reaching for years and celebrating with him like all of our previous romantic weekends and dinners for our past anniversaries.
PART 2
ReplyDeleteI managed to pull myself out of the worst of my depression after a month or two, but I reached a stage where I just felt like I was coping, but that was it. I was existing, but I wasn't happy and I was still anxious about every element of my life. But I was functioning.
The night before their company trip to the European city, me and my boyfriend were having dinner and, out of nowhere, I gave him a warning. I told him that I know that there is a big social drinking culture at his company and that I know how accidents happen when two people are sharing a room together. He was shocked at what I was saying, and told me not to be ridiculous, brushing it aside, saying that nothing would ever happen between them. I told him that if something happened between them, and his colleagues (whom I've known for years, with him working there for nearly a decade) found out that he'd cheated on me on their work trip, that I would never be able to live with the shame of that, and I know that he (my boyfriend) would never leave his job for me. I know that sounds like a bold statement, but my boyfriend is IN LOVE with his job. It's a specialist, niche career that he has worked and studied for years to get into, and most of our friends say that there is no one we know that loves their job as much as him. He adores his work. And I knew that he would never leave the company he is working his way up in, and being promised to become a partner in soon. My boyfriend and I have had a deal that if ever we slip up (which, very occasionally, each of us has in previous years, in minor ways on drunken nights out) then we tell the other immediately what has happened and apologise for being so stupid. It's never been the end of the world the three or four times it's happened in the previous decade. We're gay gays who like to have fun nights out and are realistic that when alcohol is involved, minor relationship accidents sometimes happen. But that was our deal- when it has occasionally happened we tell the other straight away, we discuss it and we put it behind us. We are monogamous, despite these occasional snogs and fumbles that have taken place three or four times since getting together.
Anyway, my boyfriend returned from the 3-day work trip and acted totally normal. We even had sex after he returned. It was nice. But things stayed a bit distant between us throughout that summer until we were on holiday in Greece that summer and on the first night (after a day of me being quite anxious and probably a bit miserable) he said to me that the week's holiday was 'make or break' to him, and that I really needed to sort myself out mentally and be more positive and loving, or else he could actually see us breaking up. He said to me (for the first time ever) that he wondered if we met too young. I was very shaken up and took this warning very seriously, although I was really concerned about his random comment about us maybe having met each other too young. I asked him what he meant by it and he said 'nothing, it's just how I've felt sometimes lately'. We bonded the whole rest of the holiday and it actually ended up being really romantic and amazing. I used his holiday warning to me as a wake-up call, and worked on meditating more, sorting out my anxiety and self esteem issues, being more positive and arranging more date nights for us. My sexual anxiety improved a lot as my mental health got better, although things between us still felt distant. By late August, my 3-year personal project was finally reaching its finish, and, after spending most weekends together with each of our families that August at parents' birthdays and sibling engagement parties, we each went away separately with friends for the last long weekend of the summer. I went away with some of our best friends to a festival, and he went with three work friends to a different city festival event. He was to be sharing a room with N again, which I was not happy about and told him so.
PART 3
ReplyDeleteI said it seemed an unnecessary risk when he'd got through the last trip away sharing with him with nothing happening. He told me not to be silly and that nothing would happen.
The months rolled by, and with my mammoth personal project completed, we started to reconnect much more as a couple, just as I had hoped we would when it was all over and no longer taking over our lives. I'd had to hang out with N about four or five times when he and a couple of other friends from my boyfriend's work would come on evenings out to comedy nights and concerts with us that autumn and spring. They were all fun occasions. N never seemed 'real', always like he was putting on a persona a bit, but that's just how he is, and he clearly seemed quite insecure and like he probably had a few issues. My boyfriend had always described him like that to me over the years also. Anyway, by April 2020, I sensed a distance between me and my boyfriend. It was like we'd reconnected in recent months like how I'd wanted us to, but that there was some distance between us that I couldn't put my finger on. One Saturday morning in bed, near the start of the pandemic, I asked him a question. 'Am I enough for you?' He was shocked at my question and said of course I am. I told him that I'd loved us reconnecting but that I sensed a distance between us and that I really wanted to fix that. I said let's put everything out on the table if we're going to truly reconnect after a few strained years. 'Have you ever cheated on me?' I asked. Maybe when you were living in that different city in our first couple of years while you were still studying?' No. 'Or the years we lived in shared houses with friends before moving in together?' No. 'What about on those trips away, sharing a room with N?' No, of course not. He promised me he had never cheated on me but, knowing him for 11 years by this point, I could sense his body language was telling me otherwise. I left the long conversation feeling unsatisfied, a bit unsettled. And I decided that I would try and (for the first time ever in our relationship) look at his phone to see if that would settle my niggling feelings.
I forgot about it and then in July 2020, I checked his phone one Sunday morning when he had left it on the bedside table while having a shower. I found no hook-up apps, but I looked at his WhatsApp conversations with N. There weren't many messages, most were about work or what time to meet other for drinks etc. But I found four messages between them after their August trip away with friends. One was my boyfriend saying that they needed to talk about 'stuff' to clear the air the day after the trip. They had arranged to have a drink after work a few days later, to talk about things and avoid any awkwardness between them going forward. Then a message on the way home by my boyfriend telling N that he didn't want him to feel bad for causing what happened between them. He said that what went on on the first work trip had been 'really very hot' for him. And then said how he valued him as a friend and that he doesn't have many gay friends and wanted to keep their friendship. N replied saying it 'has all been wonderful' for him too and that it was nice that he had a friend whom he could moan about his crap love life to.
I was devastated. My heart stopped. Time stopped. I knew we had overstretched ourselves as a couple in recent years, with hectic jobs, personal projects and hobbies taking over too much, and not spending enough quality time together. But I'd hoped that we'd got through those strained few years relatively unscathed. He got out the shower and I told him that he'd lied to me, about N. He broke down and told me that they'd sat, very drunk, in the same bed to watch an episode of Drag Race on their iPad at the end of their final night there.
PART 4
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend began to start falling asleep (as he always does) and while he was feeling drowsy, N touched his foot against his. My boyfriend thought it was an accident, so pulled his foot away. A few seconds later, N put his hand on my boyfriend's thigh. And he said at that point, he knew what he wanted. They didn't have sex, but they did other stuff, for 10 or 15 mins. Then went to sleep. In the morning, he told N that he'd never cheated on me before. N said, 'Sorry, I didn't think'. My boyfriend said it can't happen again. N said to him, 'these things happen at the time; it's really no big deal'. N gave my boyfriend a hug and asked him if he was okay. N is single and probably has a lot of one night stands, so my boyfriend said it didn't seem like much of a big deal to him. But my boyfriend was in shock all day, and actually throughout all the subsequent weeks. He says that he 'felt alive' though, for the first time in a long while, and like he wasn't unattractive and 'the sensible, boring person' that he said people often think he is. The whole thing seemed unreal, he said, as if he'd dreamt it. He said that although N wasn't his 'type' (he likes more rugged guys like me), he'd always thought of N as being 'a better version' of himself since he started at his company a few years after him. He said that everyone was wowed by him and thought he was so good looking, and my boyfriend felt he had a better CV than him, better degrees, better skills at work (he doesn't - only in certain areas), taller than him, more athletic than him. And although he didn't fancy him, per se, he says he was 'intrigued' by him. Another major thing is that my boyfriend hardly had any sexual partners before he met me, as he came out a bit later than I did and had never had a relationship before me (I had had one boyfriend before him and quite a lot more sexual experience). My boyfriend said that this difference in experience had seemed exciting to him when he met me, and felt I was more worldly etc. But that as the years had gone by, he almost felt a bit resentful about this imbalance. And had become intrigued by the 'free and single lifestyle' that his colleague N probably had. My boyfriend said he was so shocked and flattered that N - someone he looked up to and thought was a 'much better version of himself' was coming on to him, when my boyfriend said that he considered himself to be ugly, unattractive and weird-looking (he isn't at all, but I found it really sad that he thinks of himself like that).
Throughout the summer, they never spoke about what had happened on that drunken final night of that trip, but N started flirting with him occasionally at after work drinks with the young crowd from their company. (It only happened twice throughout the summer but my boyfriend saw him looking over at him suggestively when someone in the group was talking about sex on a couple of occcasions). He says that he felt like N wanted to sleep with him again, and it made him feel attractive again, a bit risky, alive and adventurous. Sadly, they ended up sleeping together once more (again, no sex, just other stuff, for 10-15 mins) on the final night of their trip to their city festival break with work friends that August. N had been in a weird, slightly down mood all weekend apparently, as the man he was pursuing (who was in a relationship and said he was going to leave his partner for him, but when N had visited him the week before he had told N he couldn't see him anymore). (FFS - what is it with people and their shoddy morals infringing on others' relationships!!!?!!!) Anyway, it had been a quick thing again on the last night of the trip. They admitted that they'd both wanted it to happen again, and my boyfriend had said to N, 'This has to be the last time though'. They returned to their own single beds opposite each other afterwards.
PART 5
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend woke up in the morning and just started crying. N awkwardly said to him, 'I sense you're a bit upset this morning', to which my boyfriend tearfully replied, 'Yeah, no fucking shit!' and said that he couldn't believe he'd done this to me again, and that they have to talk about this when they got home, understand what the fuck was happening and why, and make sure it never happens again.
They did meet up a few days later after work, had a few drinks, reluctantly talked about what had happened between them (they both HATE talking about their feelings - N even more so than my boyfriend, who struggles with it a lot himself). My boyfriend said he cried. N said he felt terrible about it, but said that these things happen all the time. N said that my boyfriend didn't need to tell me. (My boyfriend's not saying this as a cop-out; he takes FULL responsibility since D-Day for not having the guts to tell me). N said he had always thought we seemed like a great couple; one that seem closer and happier than all of N's other gay male couple friends. He said he wished he could find a relationship like ours. (Obviously, this all seems so fucked up now when I think of how he admired us as a couple, envied what we have, and then tried to sabotage it.) After the drunken two texts that were exchanged on the way home from what had apparently been a very tearful (on my boyfriend's part), sombre evening of regret, it was never spoken about again between them. Not once. They did what they both do best and buried their feelings, and just pretended it had never happened. I was so upset for a long time about those two texts between them, but my boyfriend explained that not one single positive thing was said that evening in the pub about their experiences. He wanted to know why N had come onto him. N wouldn't say, but he awkwardly muttered, 'well, you're a very attractive man' to my boyfriend. It does feel like the texts saying how hot it had been undermine all of the sad, regret-filled talk that happened that evening, that I wasn't witness to.
I was very hurt by the sexual activity, but I was SO hurt by the friendship that I feel that they 'gifted' themselves with following their fling/brief affair/bit of fun/whatever the fuck it was. I was also hurt by the covering up of it by my boyfriend and livid that he let someone OUTSIDE of our relationship influence his commitment to honouring our honesty agreement (even though that was solely his choice, not N's, to not tell me). I felt like a fool. I felt like our relationship had become a sham. I couldn't believe how far we had fallen, after so many incredible years of creating loving memories together. I told him we were separating, on a break, with immediate effect. He texted N and told him that I'd found out, then two days later they were in the office together and my boyfriend couldn't bear the awkwardness and messaged N to say that they needed to talk outside, after work, and discuss how to immediately end their friendship amicably and continue working together at their company whilst being respectful to me. They talked for 30 mins, then never spoke again. N is so awkward that he can only really talk to people once he's had a drink, even with his friends at work. So, no one at work has actually noticed that they don't talk anymore, as N was so odd, awkward and quiet during working hours in the office, and their friendship solely existed at after work drinks or on their work friends' WhatsApp group (N can only communicate in memes and GIFs when not drunk). My boyfriend obviously left the work friends' WhatsApp group where he and the other three had posted so often and interacted since that first, fateful work trip away the previous May. The two women also on that WhatsApp group who were in the inner-clique with N were informed of what had happened, to which they were in total shock. They both thought it unbelievable.
PART 6
ReplyDeleteOne of them said to me, 'We didn't even think the two of them liked each other that much. To be honest, they always seemed in competition with each other in terms of their careers!?'
After a few days apart, my partner and I went through a period of hysterical bonding, something I never even knew was a 'thing' before going through this. But we also spent plenty of time apart, staying with close friends who knew the situation, or with family. For the next six months, the time we spent together was either amazing and romantic and happy and amazing, or screaming rows- where I would cry and wail and ask how he 'could do this to me'. It was fucking tough. You all know what I'm talking about. But the highs were good. We did really rediscover our love for each other though. It was unexpected, but amazing. Not just the sex, which was great and exciting again, but our connection. We started appreciating each other again, in a way that neither of us felt like we had in a few years. We saw that we had taken each other for granted and taken our relationship for granted. We started texting each other throughout the day again, when we were apart, which we didn't do as much of in recent years. We're both huge music fans, and we started making each other playlists every few months. Just like we did in the early days of our relationship. We each bonded over music we were help[ing the other one to discover- sometimes obscure songs evoking our love or our situation, and sometimes just stuff we liked that we wanted the other to appreciate or hear. It felt like we were on the same team again, even if we maybe hadn't for a while the previous year. We were really connecting again.
Towards the end of 2020, I was really struggling, with intrusive thoughts of them together on those two occasions, hating N, or feeling constantly triggered and reminded of it all by them working together. They are the same grade at their workplace, so they never work on any of the same projects, thank God. But knowing that they still worked at the same small company was SO difficult. Losing so much of life's enjoyments, having cabin fever, and isolation from friends and family because we were in the middle of a global pandemic was a HUGE strain on us, on top of everything else. I wrote a letter to N, as part of a personal exercise my counsellor suggested, but was told I by no means had to give it to him. By mid-Dec, they were only going into the office one day a week (separate days) and I really felt like I wanted to confront N and give him my letter, which I think summed up perfectly how I felt and how disappointed I was in him for infringing on our relationship, despite having met me a couple of times and him 'respecting us' as a couple. I told him that relationships are hard enough without people like him testing other people's relationships during their most strained period, or something like that. My boyfriend put it on his desk, and then on their last day at work when some of the team had a socially-distanced drink in the office, my boyfriend asked him if he'd read my letter. N said no. He said he 'has too much other shit going on in his life at the moment' and 'can't handle that', so 'put it in a drawer'. He said he wouldn't blame me for writing awful things about him in the letter (which I hadn't. Well, only in subtle digs...It was a damned good letter!) And said he felt terrible about the whole thing, then they walked away from each other. That was the only time they have spoken since July 2020. All the good feelings I had about confronting him with my letter vanished when I knew that he hadn't read it. Of course, there's a chance that he did, but I doubt it, as he avoids confronting most aspects of his life. Him putting it in a locked drawer for now really is a metaphor for that guy's bloody life and deep, underlying issues!
PART 7
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend and I were both put on Citalopram antidepressants in early 2021, and we stayed on them for a few months, but they just killed the connection between us really, and made it hard to have a sex life (something that had been so revived and given us lot of hope and 'aliveness' since D-Day). I got signed off work with major stress in March, for a few weeks. I was really struggling to accept that it had happened to us, and that our lives would never be the same again. That we couldn't just go back to who we used to be, and that we'd maybe lost respect in our friends' and families' eyes, as a couple. Like our stock value as a couple was much lower now. Friends said, 'Some friends said, God, if this can happen to you two, what hope is there for the rest of us?' And the thing is, I felt the same. But I now realise that we were not more special and uniquely amazing that any other couple. We're just another couple, muddling through life, like everyone else. That doesn't mean we're not a good couple. It just means that we're human and not exceptional, and now that I have finally accepted that I have more peace.
By autumn 2021, I was still struggling enormously, and, after I lost my whole team of friends at work (they left during the pandemic), got an awful new boss, and my workload went through the roof to cover all the empty positions in my team, I basically had a mental breakdown in late September. I developed involuntary muscle spasms- mostly in my head and neck, but they happened all over my body at times. I had to be taken to hospital and fully checked out. The spasms only came on when I struggled with difficult or traumatic thoughts (which tbh was quite often), but I could no longer hide that I was struggling mentally from people. I trialled going back to work in mid-November but it was just awful and I was nowhere near ready. I got signed off again after a few days and went to a really dark place. I was having big panic attacks and my muscle spasms twitch things were through the roof. My boyfriend found a new job. I said I would give it a year and see how I felt about them still working at the same company, and I gave it a bit longer than that, but just knew I couldn't live with it long term and that he had to leave or I would. My boyfriend cried for an evening (which is rare), had an 'emotional' individual counselling session that following day apparently, and then he was fine. He had accepted that he needed to leave the job he so loves in order to save us, and that even if things were to not work out between us (which he would be devastated about), it would be worth the try. He is great at what he does, and had three interviews and got offered two, so took the one he really wanted. He starts in 4 weeks' time, and is nervous but excited about it. It's a HUGE step for us and our future, as I just never thought he would do that for me. He says he just needed to come to the eventual realisation in his own time about it being essential for him to leave there, in order for us to move on with our new life together.
I had a course of EMDR for my trauma, which was actually life-saving. Of course, I'd read lots of books on infidelity in the previous 18 months and had learnt so much through 12 months of my own personal counselling, and over a year of fortnightly couples counselling. My boyfriend has had about 15 months of weekly individual counselling so far.
PART 8
ReplyDeleteHe is still gaining so much from it- learning about himself, the shame he had about non-acceptance growing up hiding his sexuality (like so many gay people do), why he struggles to talk about his feelings and how to open up about them more without fear, why he didn't tell me, and why it happened (because he had felt dissatisfied in our relationship in the previous 1-2 years; although still close, we'd become a bit like 'roommates'; our sex life had become dull and unadventurous; I had been very preoccupied with my 3-year personal project - although that is NO excuse of course for cheating; he had had to devote a lot of time to helping me with my project in the last couple of years and he had begun to feel resentful of that and that I was taking him for granted a bit and not pulling my weight at home with the chores (I do accept that part); he had poor self esteem and thought that N had all the qualities he lacked- and because of that he says he kind of felt validated and 'honoured' by attention from N). Something that has come out of the woodwork is that, other than seeking validation, my boyfriend wanted to keep N as a friend after the affair ended (before I found out) because he has hardly any gay friends, and very few friends in his profession that share some of his interests. He felt like he would lose his job he absolutely adores if I found out, and that he could lose everything: me, our home, friends, people’s respect... He thought that if he just buried it and never mentioned it again, that he would get to keep everything in his life, despite it being selfish to me and the fact that he says he always felt guilty about it, that not a day went by when he didn't feel terrible about what he had done to me, despite not giving it any scrutiny or attention to learn valuable lessons from it (until after our D-Day).
I continued with the EMDR therapy, but because I wasn't fully satisfied with my therapist for it, and I don't earn tons of money, I decided to pay for a month of 'Virtual EMDR' - a website which does the same job. I found that just as useful and very cost effective. I would honestly recommend it to anyone suffering with trauma and intrusive thoughts, as well as any other therapy you can have to better understand your situation. I have ceased the EMDR now.
Because of experiences during my childhood which I now understand a lot more, I have suffered throughout my life with excessive rumination of negative thoughts, which is a huge reason I have struggled so much with moving on from this and not letting it consume me the past year and a half. The EMDR literally stopped the hideously traumatic mind movies of them together that I had suffered with for nearly 18 months. One of the best books I've read was The Chimp Paradox, which has helped to give me techniques of how to not entertain all of my intrusive thoughts, and just watch them pass - sometimes immediately, sometimes within a few minutes or an hour or two. But they pass and I can live with that. Before, they never passed, or would take days or weeks to get over a really traumatic thought. I became utterly obsessed with N after D-Day. I spent much of the past 18 months fixated on what he has that I don't, which is so, so painful. It's so destructive and pointless. I just couldn't help it. I would occasionally look on his Instagram, like so many of us do during our immediate recovery period, causing endless pain to myself. A lot of that was my own insecurities though. I know now that, because of my own self-esteem struggles, I had used my relationship to boost me over the last decade or so. Not knowingly, but I had been lifted by feeling like I had such a good relationship that friends of ours admired. I felt like other things in my life, like my career, could be not doing so well, but I felt I was doing my relationship right and had a healthy, happy life with my partner. And I think we did for a number of years. But the exterior of things often hides the cracks that exist internally.
PART 9
ReplyDeleteI probably loved showing off the happy, healthy exterior too much, and when it all started falling apart, I fell apart.
I got put on Sertraline (Zoloft) tablets, 50mg per day, one month ago, as they help with low mood as well as OCD and trauma (one of only two SSRIs that help with trauma). That has also really helped me to stop ruminating on my negative thoughts about the affair. I won't be on them forever, but they have helped me SO much more than my experience with Citalopram last year. The other things that are really changing things this past few weeks are that I got a new job, working with my old boss I get on so well with who left my old company during the pandemic. I'm really enjoying my new place of work and being around new people and learning new things again. Some days are harder than others mentally, but I'm keeping up my mindfulness meditation and focusing on the here and now, and I'm happy with where I'm at. The other thing is that I've been doing 15 mins of 'Loving Kindness Meditation' each day. This is an old Buddhist technique which has been studied a lot in recent years by academics who have proven its power in helping people to forgive. I have found it immensely useful, honestly. I want to forgive my boyfriend, as he is so sorry, hates himself for what he did to us, and has put in so much work to address his issues and traits that caused the cheating. But, although I don't want to 'forgive' N, I also want to move on and live a happy life, free from hating and cursing him. And the Loving Kindness Meditation has really helped me to let go of my anger towards each of them for making me go through the most difficult and guttingly painful experience of my life. Neither of us think that N is deep down a nice person, but I'm aware of his limitations and personality issues (I don't think for a second, without having years of therapy, that he will ever have a relationship as good as we have. Like my boyfriend says, 'he has way too many issues'. My boyfriend says he never ever considered leaving me for N. And that the second time they got together he said it was like they both knew that they 'were not each other's main focus'. He was just there, and available, and willing. There in those moments to numb the pain of life, as so many affair partners are, and are often not much more than that. I guess through the Loving Kindness Meditation technique I have already stopped hating him and actually started pitying him. I think I've at last let go of the bitterness I felt at his 'taking' something from me that I couldn't get back, and am focusing on my relationship, and wish him well almost. I don't understand my feelings towards him, to be honest, but I'm hoping that I will feel less and less towards him, in time, anyway.
I'm not the same person I was before this pandemic. Before D-Day in July 2020, I actually contracted Covid in late that March (well, the doctors are certain it was, but there was obviously no testing even at that point) and because of my asthma I had awful breathing problems and had Long Covid for eight weeks (not that people really knew what Long Covid was then at all). It was actually a very traumatic experience in itself, and I had a few weeks of trying to get my health and mental/physical fitness back, then - BAM! - D-Day hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. No, actually, it hit me like a truck. And so, I'm so well aware that most people have had terrible experiences during this difficult pandemic, in so many different ways, but mine has been my toughest hour. I've thought of ending things a number of times, but I'm glad I've persevered and got through the worst of it. I'm now 19 months in, and I'm finding the time to write all this down at last because I've actually contracted Covid again, nearly 23 months on, and am off work, sick.
PART 10
ReplyDeleteIt's hit my chest again, and I feel awful, but I'm sure with being triple vaxxed and it being a milder variant that I won't have the experience I had during all of spring 2020. When I thought that was going to be the worst thing to happen to me that year... We're looking onwards and upwards now, and are both counting down the days to him starting his new job in less than 4 weeks' time. It's been a long time coming. I still have the involuntary muscle spasms occasionally, but they just flare up when I have bad days. Other than that, they are getting a lot better. We still make each other playlists every few months and we love receiving them and listening to each other's musical choices. It feels so personal that no one but us listens to them. We go on date nights out for dinner, for mini adventures around our city, or just for a midweek drink at our local pubs. Even the big fortnightly food shop at the supermarket we try to do together now, as it's us sharing our life together- the good, the bad, the mundane, and the fun and exciting.
He also proposed to me, and we're going to have a very small civil partnership ceremony in spring 2023, 14 years after we met. We've never been too fussed about marriage or a civil partnership, but it feels like a positive cementing of our new relationship - which is what I think these things need to be, going forwards. New relationships. Less innocent, less 'perfect', but hopefully more honest, loving and satisfying, in the long run. I hope that we can do the distance. Nothing is certain, but I'm hopeful that we can continue to heal our scars and find more happiness. I'm not at the point at which I would say that I'm glad we went through this. It's been so traumatic and hard, for both of us in different ways. But if we can get through the rest of this (and we've come SO far), I do think we'll be a better couple on the other side of it all. I am less selfish and help much more with cooking and housework chores, I listen to his feelings and try to make more space for him to open up to me about them, rather than just talking about my fears and thoughts, and he is becoming more honest and open - we both are. There's no other way after something like this, I think. We know each other more now, and understand and accept that there are good and bad sides to our personalities, and we are trying to be more forgiving of each other's faults. I hope that continues to happen as we experience growth and maturity out of what we have been through. It's sad how much we missed each other's needs and desires during those strained years we went through, but I'm glad we're there for each other and have fully 'woken up' to what we do have now. And I still think what we do have is pretty amazing. We just have to take care of it much more.
I'm sorry I wrote so much! We all have our own unique stories, and I honestly have found so much solace in reading other people's stories and experiences, during my good times and my worst times. Thank you for creating this website as a safe space where people can share their stories and pain to help them heal. I may not be the 'target' reader, but I have got a lot from people's advice and stories! I honestly send you all solidarity and love. Stay strong, whatever happens. I hope you all find peace x
Welcome. I just wanted to let you know that you are seen and heard. I wish you well and hope things turn out for you. Huggs.
Delete*Hi,
ReplyDeleteFirst thank you for this site, it is so helpful to know we are not alone. I've been reading for about 2 yrs now but first time posting. About 2 years ago I found out my husband had been sexting another woman out of state. I found out from her husband. Apparently this had been going on for most of a year. Looking back during that time period, he became very mean towards me. Staying up late and being very mean so much so that I visited my first therapist due to stress and anxiety. There was one instance in which he invited her to a hotel where he was going for a work trip but to my and the other husband's knowledge they did not end up meeting in person. My husband called it off prompting the other woman to get angry and that led to discovery.
I've not been able to get over this and I'm struggling. He never even gave me time to grieve. One week after I found out he was angry with me for not wanting any physical touch from him. Also during this time, he has increased smoking pot, drinking, going out with friends, escaping pretty much. We visited a marriage counselor that only wanted to talk about improving our communication. During that time, I found he had been looking at Port sites while I was asleep, the pages were called "cheating wives" and another local to the city we live in. Why would he choose these pages??
He gaslighted me and lied to me so many times I don't know how I could ever get trust back. He tries to tell me that it wasn't cheating because it was all virtual. He tells me I should move on, get over it. All he wants to do is have sex and not meaningful conversations. He told me the reason he did it was for entertainment and no other major reason.
Meanwhile, I've been the primary caregiver to our 3 children under 8. It seems he feels he hasn't gotten enough attention since the kids came, that's when most of the problems started. He never helps with the kids. I work full time as well.
I am so unhappy, sad, depressed. I don't want to be the bad guy and split up my kids home. Does it make me selfish? Im so terrified I won't get to see my kids for days at a time when I'm with them most of their life.
He is acting a bit nicer, went to 2 therapist appts after I basically told him he had to. Meanwhile I go to therapy almost once a week and bawl my eyes out. I feel like I don't know myself anymore and I'm in such a confused fog.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
So very sad
WOW. First let me welcome you to the club no one wants to be in. There are a lot of resources out there. One I highly recommend is Dr. Minwalla's Whitepaper. This gent has brought a whole new way of looking at infidelity. Another is a site called your story is safe here.com. yet another is BTR.org. Please look after yourself and your children. Your safety should be paramount. And remember, you have not put your marriage at risk, your husband has. He is responsible for his actions, Not you. Your heartbreak Your Rules. You have a say in what behaviors are acceptable. You can stay, or pack-up and go. Your choice. Not his. Please stay safe and look to your own self care and your children's safety. Huggs, you got this!
DeleteListen to the helping couples heal podcast and go to their facebook page. He is highly dysfunctional and is not in a place to give you what you need. Learn about what true healing and accountability are. Don't be afraid of moving forward to a life where you ask for what you deserve. Ok, you will be afraid--thats normal, but promise you, its worth it.
DeleteUpdate: Found out he has still been cheating at least for the last 10 mos, with multiple strangers online. Meeting up with them while supposedly at work and not able to help with the kids. I can't express how angry and sad I am. But I am done. And yet, it seems so unbelievably hard and scary to leave that some days I want to say I'll just stay for the kids, for my old life, it just seems easier. This is so so unbelievably hard but if I stay ill be slowly killing myself inside. Why do I feel selfish for wanting to save myself ? My kids....I'm so scared for them. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
So Very Sad and Done
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It does not sound like your husband is psychologically able to take responsibility for what he did, and is continuing to do. He sounds like a spoiled child who is acting out. You don’t need to deal with this crap. This site is wonderful for wives who are in situations where there husbands are repentant, that does not sound to be the case with your husband. You cannot change him as he has to change himself. As the other wonderful women above told you, take care of yourself, tend to your own needs, get yourself strong again. In your mind, assume that he is not coming with you. If along the way, he makes some realizations and actually wants to work on his marriage, then you can decide if you still want that. But for now, plan to go forward with you and your babies. I wish you luck but I know you can do this. It will hurt but with time, it will get better. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate this community.
ReplyDeleteDid my post work?
ReplyDeleteI'm so thankful I found this website. I feel so alone and would love to connect w/ women who've experinced similar situations.
ReplyDelete2019 I found out my dh was having an emotional affair with his coworker. In 2021 he finally admitted to a full blown relationship with her, moved out, and eventually asked me for a divorce.
Since then he has tried to bait me , " I want to do what's right," " I want my marriage but it's hard to end it with her," etc.
My heart and mind are so messed up from his ambivalence and none of my friends understand how I feel. Why I'm not telling him to just kick dirt.
He has lied and lied to me for years, and yet I still want to blame myself.
My self worth , self esteem, desire to want more for myself... is all shambles.
How do you do it?
How do you move on?
We can file this month (4/2022) and when I asked him about talking about it he ignores me or says, " I'm not sure I'm ready for that". Why the heck not?
Help!
What he is doing is called Hoovering. Trying to suck you back into his abusive embrace. There are several resources that perhaps you may want to check out. BTR.org , yourstoryissafehere.com , lundybancroft.com , Dr.Minwallas White Paper , or, chumplady.com . You should take care of yourself first. He is a grown man who has broken your heart. YOU come first. Eat, sleep, take care of bills and maybe look into counseling for yourself. If you want to file , do so. You do not need his permission. Do what you need to feel safe. Take care, and please read the stories and info available here. These Ladies are mighty and compassionate. Take care and stay safe.
DeleteI really appreciate that there is this platform with women who seem so strong and supportive at various stages of such gut wrenching heartbreak. 5 months ago, I found out my H had a long term (full blown) affair with my younger sister for most of our marriage (albeit not consistently). I initially found sexts between them in 2018 and he promises it was not serious and would do anything to win back my trust. He said nothing physical happened and it started out with him trying to give her advice about her boy problems. I would find out years later that he lied. It was physical from early on.
ReplyDeleteWe just had our first baby 10 mos ago and our 10th anniversary was this last December. I left and have been preparing to file for divorce. My H has been in pieces. Begging me for one last chance. He is in three types of therapy and uncovered he was sexually molested as from childhood until adulthood without calling it for what it was. He is blaming his lack of boundaries and that he trusted himself but was depressed and being there for her made him feel like a hero when he’d otherwise been failing at life. He says he is so remorseful, he never wanted to hurt me, he loves me, and he is sorry that it took all this suffering on my end for him to realize he has big problems. He says he is committed to doing everything to fix his issues. We both dropped 30+ pounds due to the heartbreak of it all these last months. He promises he will never contact her again—but I know so much (their texts depict everything they've done/want to do in excruciating detail) and it is so painful. Even then, I only looked through my sisters texts from 2020+--I know there is so much I still don't know. He tried giving me a timeline and said he was committed to full transparency but he can't even remember details or more than vague descriptions of things. It’s not just an affair. The OW is my sister—she admitted to me that she felt he was her soulmate married to the wrong person (wtf?). Anyways, he is begging me to have mercy and isn’t asking because he knows he has nothing to stand on, but feels if I’m inclined to give him a last chance he thinks we can come out of this better than we started. We married at 19 and had a very electric chemistry even until the week I left. I am very confused and heartbroken. No one knows what happened—especially the sister part. Everywhere online says there’s no going back and I keep coming back there too. But I also see him really trying to turn things around. Part of me wants my little family back but I know it’ll never be the same. Part of me is so angry and hates him but another misses him so badly. He has respected all my boundaries and we only engage now for my daughter. we don't see each other face to face. I recently shared the angry letters I wrote to him these months because I told him I’m filling out divorce papers so things opened up again. Part of me wants to believe him but I’m not sure anything can overcome this damage. Any advice is welcome.
I'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. What a betrayal!! By two people close to you.
DeleteHere's the thing about this site: We encourage each woman to walk their own path, to figure out what feels right for them. But here's another important piece of that: You do NOT need to know right now what that path is. I think it makes complete sense for you to distance yourself while your husband sorts himself out. Childhood sexual abuse has longlasting impact and I'm glad your husband is committed to healing himself as best he can. Whatever happens re. your marriage, it's still the best thing for him as a person and as a father to get his own head on straight.
In the meantime, I would urge you, too, to seek therapy to support you while you heal from such a deep betrayal. You deserve a safe space where you can process all this pain so that, whatever happens in your marriage, you two can parent from a healthy relationship.
And then, keep choosing your next right step. It might be to continue to press pause. It might be to move forward with divorce. It might be to try "dating" your husband again. Whatever it is, take it and then assess. Does it feel right (or as right as anything can feel when we're shattered)? The thing with betrayal is it can take a long time to feel the ground beneath our feet so be patient with yourself. You are also a new mom, which is exhausting in itself. I hope you'll also take time to just enjoy your baby. They change so much at this age and I'm sorry that this time has been marked by such pain alongside your joy.
And please know that, whatever you do, the choice is yours. Nobody gets to tell you you're right or wrong. It's your life. In my case, I wasn't sure I could stay with my hsuband but I did commit to remaining his friend as he healed from childhood issues. I wanted my children to have the healthiest father they could and I fully supported his desire to become that.
You get to make your own choice.
You will get through this. I know it feels like it's eclipsing everything else in your life but you are stronger than you know. But please, take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
Elle, thank you so much for your kind words. It truly has eclipsed my every day. I can't seem to get over the shock of it; reconciling who I knew him to be and who I knew HER to be since the day she was born. I am hurt beyond comprehension. I began seeing a trauma therapist to process everything soon after I left because I have been having trauma dreams since day one. The truth trickled out after 2018 in bits and pieces, but I truly never saw this coming. I knew he hadn't ceased contact like he promised and had been deleting her texts even after I confronted him multiple times and he promised to stop. I didn't fathom that they were actually seeing each other, especially when he was always trying to be there for me and especially after I confronted them both before I had the baby and said they were risking our marriage. The fact that they kept talking--and not just talking as I later found out--even after the baby was born, I couldn't fathom how anyone could be so heartless. She claims she was in love (though I think she was seeing other people too) and he claims he was not in his right state of mind and in denial. Depressed, no boundaries, and unable to emotionally regulate. Now he says he is so disgusted and shocked by himself. He began sharing his location a few months ago and shared his phone records so that he could prove that he was committed to being transparent from now on and had not contacted her again, but it has been a roller coaster. I finally told him I can't do friendly co-parenting with him. It's too hard. There's too many feelings involved. I feel so much rage. We fell in love in this city and recently moved back here (our hometown) when covid hit. Things between him and my sister rekindled from there since she lives at my parents' house. I still see her and she keeps sending gifts or texts saying she hopes I will forgive her one day. I feel as if I am triggered on all ends the moment I step out the apartment--and even if I don't because my other sisters talk about her and so does my mother since they are close. I do feel like I am just trying to stay afloat for my daughter but it has been turbulent to say the least. I contemplated moving out of state, but it would be hard without any support from friends or family. I can't turn off the thoughts in my brain that keep wanting a resolution. I am a fraud attorney by profession so I have a really hard time ignoring what feels like the black and white situation here. I think I am the one shaming myself about even thinking about having him in my life. I told my sister she is dead to me so another part of me feels like I can't then have him in my life, although I do feel better when he is. Perhaps its a comfort thing. I miss him terribly, but feel like there is a big barrier. How could he be the man I loved and someone who would do something this terrible with someone I will never be able to escape? I am so emotionally drained, but you are right that I don't need to make any big decisions yet. I am getting pressure from both sides (my family and his) to make a decision. I think its difficult for our loved ones to see us in pain like this. HIs family is like my family, but I just feel like our whole marriage was a lie and it is truly crushing. Thank you for listening and for having this platform. The stories on here are so comforting.
DeleteAnd yes, I aim so so grateful for my daughter. She is my saving grace. She keeps me smiling everyday through it all. It breaks my heart when I think of what is happening to her family, but I am thankful she is so little and won't remember any of this. Its isolating parenting alone though; he helps a lot, but now that we are no contact, I don't let him in my apartment anymore to help so I miss spending time just us three; but I will try to just keep going and hold on to the hope that things will get better one way or another someday.
DeleteI promise they will. In the meantime, hold fast to your boundaries.We have a saying on this site (you'll see it at the top of this page): My heartbreak, my rules. YOU get to decide who you see and when. YOU get to decide who gets to remain in your life and who doesn't. It is never your job to prioritize others' comfort over your own well-being. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your daughter.
DeleteEverything you're feeling is "normal" under the circumstances, which doesn't necessarily make it easier but it does give some sort of promise that, like all of us, you will move through the pain. Hang in there, Anonymous. And please know just how sorry every single one of us who've ever come to this site are to have yet another woman in our "club".
Hi, I'm going to refer to my name is A. I haven't solid evidence that my husband has physically cheated on me, but I have found many things on his phone that point to casual sexual encounters online via webcam, chat groups, and chat apps. All this happened about 6 months ago...
ReplyDeleteI found a screenshot of text messages of him and some woman from our church from last June. (before we got married.) I had found sandals when I had gotten back from a 10 day trip, and asked who the HELL are these? To which he replied "probably my sons." They were like those burkenstock kind, but with fucking GLITTER? Uh, no!!! That was my first damn clue! I naively let it go...Background, my husband is a recovering drug addict. He finally got sober Jan. 1st of this year. He says that the drugs really fucked up his mind and he made bad choices. I have found an old video dated several years ago with him fucking some girl. I can't get those images out of my head, its fucking AWFUL. I'm sorry for all the cussing, but it just feels so nice to get out. He lies and lies, and finally couldn't lie anymore once I saw the screenshot between him and this older lady from our church. I'm like fucking really? You have a hot younger girlfriend, and you're going to jeopardize it for some older lady cause she has the hots for you? He SWEARS he just helped her fix her car. She WON'T write me back, after I confronted her on FB messenger. I have no real solid answers, only what I believe or have made up in my own mind. It can be a vicious thing, the mind. It can put together all kinds of things, things I wish I could never imagine. I'm crazy in love with this man, which is the hardest part of it all. We've sought therapy and have been going for about a month. Right now, we're doing individual therapy. I truly believe he has a sex addiction. He won't admit that to be true, but I wholeheartedly believe it. He says he's willing to do ANYTHING to make it work. Let's me look at his phone whenever he wants, I have his location of where he is, and we spend all other time outside of work together. But because this has been a mostly online ordeal, I have such a hard time believing he won't just try and cover up his tracks before he gets home. Why am I not enough, and why is this happening? It's made me so sick, I feel like I'm spiraling in my thoughts. It's driving me crazy. It's literally driving me to the point of insanity, especially because he won't tell me the WHOLE truth, we as women just know when something is missing. I just wish he'd tell me everything so I can move past this....
Hi A, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. And I'm so glad you are in individual therapy. Being with a recovering addict is a huge challenge and you need support. You might want to also consider joining a 12-step group for partners of addicts. I have a hunch you'll meet a lot of people who share your challenges.
DeleteAs for whether or not he's cheating, in my experience, usually we know before we actually know, if you get what I mean. Your gut is telling you that this man is untrustworthy right now. And I suspect that's true. So I would encourage you to proceed as if you know it's true. What would you do if he told you was, in fact, cheating? What would change? If you wouldn't leave him, then I wonder if things would look pretty much the same as they do right now -- couples therapy, as well as individual counselling, an insistence on access to his devices, etc. I want to also push back on a few of your beliefs, which are flat out wrong: If he's cheating, he's not doing it because there's something wrong with YOU but because there's something wrong with HIM. He is looking outside himself for something that's an inside job. The same reasons he turned to drugs are why he's (possibly) cheating. It feels good and his desire to feel good (validated, wanted, interesting, etc.) is more important to him than a commitment to you or living with honesty and integrity. Even if he's not cheating, as you well know, addicts lie. To themselves and to everyone around them. I hope his recovery includes a plan to learn radical honesty. But that will likely take time.
In the meantime, A, please take care of yourself. That is your priority. Learn from our counsellor how to set clear boundaries (or read more on this site). Learn how to treat yourself with respect and care. You will get through this, A, but it starts with a refusal to tolerate disrespect and dishonesty, even when it's hard.
@Elle...I didn't think about that, but you're probably right. They probably do have to do with the same things that drove him to addiction. Which I am unsure of? But I will definitely look into a 12-step for partners of addicts. That is a VERY good piece of advice! Thank you so much for this support group. I already love it so much!
DeleteTired of keeping everything in :
ReplyDeleteMy story is not un similar to so many I have read. I only found BWC a few days ago as I was struggling with my emotions and it calmed me knowing that I wasn’t alone. I need to take you back a few years to 2017 that’s when my world started to fall apart that’s when I felt the coldness or a shift in my H so I asked him out right are we ok ? His face dropped and then I asked him if he was having an affair? then it came out I can still feel the pain as my world imploded. My husband is away a lot for work and up to that point I’d never thought he would do such a thing to me to us ( his father did it to every woman he married ) and he hated it. But here you are. I took on some blame myself as he was away I kind of took over the running of the house and the children of which we have 3 it was one of his excuses he felt left out.yeah I know guess what so do I. Anyway I was just trying to take in the nightmare that happened when just a few days later my father in law got diagnosed with MND it was devastating trying to juggle all these emotions and support my husband and his father. I lost so much weight people that know us just think it was just dealing with the stress regarding my father in law’s illness but it was so much more. Our kids didn’t know and 2 still don’t about what was going on. The affair kind of got put on the back burner in the fact we didn’t really discuss it with just dealt with what was next my father in law’s illness. I kept pushing his affair down not wanting to bring it up as it hurt so much. ( not doing the best job as it was eating away at me ) Moving on to 2019 my father in law passed away and we had to sort everything out as you do when things like this happen that was the end of summer that year. At Christmas he had a new phone and I saw emoji’s on a message he sent love hearts my heart sank but I didn’t say anything now I wish I had I thought there is no way he could be doing this again and to this day he doesn’t know that I saw it. I know right what an idiot roll on a few months then covid hit our life like so many turned upside down for him especially he almost lost his Job he lost his whole team they were all made redundant and he fell into a well of depression I couldn’t reach him he was in a very dark space. So that brings me to DD2 Valentine’s Day 2021 it started off as a normal day we even made love that morning. Later that day I was walking through the downstairs when he grabbed my hand and took me into our office then sat me down and told me he wasn’t happy. Omg not again I felt the floor drop from under my feet it wasn’t till then he told me he was in contact with this OW the same one from 2017 well if I didn’t feel like shit I do now. He left the next day to say at a friends and came back a week later to say he wasn’t coming home and he didn’t.He told our oldest that he had feelings for someone else our son was 23 and when he came in he asked me outright what was going on so I told him everything but our girls do not know. I’m not sure who I’m protecting Him or them or me. He is around, he is currently renting a flat nearby on his own and he does come and stay at the house it’s like we are slowly moving forward like dating and I hope he will come home and we will have a proper future together. I still love my husband we met when I was 16 he was 17 we have over 30 years together I won’t give up on us. I have been through counselling myself since he left. But it is not common knowledge to the rest of the world what has happened to us. I am in pain but I don’t want to be like other people I know that have been through this that are so bitter I refuse to be that person don’t get me wrong if your reading this I am angry that he could ever do this to someone you love and shared a life with I have come a long way the past year I have found my self worth, I have put in some boundaries because I am enough.
I just wanted to share my story and hope for a better future.
Yes, you are enough. You have always been enough. His lack of faithfulness and loyalty to you is HIS failure not yours. I'm glad you're in therapy. And there's a wide gulf between being bitter and angry and staying with a man who isn't a full partner to you. Please don't sacrifice yourself and your wants in order to preserve a marriage with someone incapable or unwilling to be honest and intimate with you. You deserve better than this.
DeleteHi. I found out about my husbands affair two years ago. He had been unfaithful before we were married as well. He would message other women on social media and call them beautiful or something along those lines. I still stayed which I feel so embarrassed about. Reading these blogs has helped not to feel as bad and seeing that 81% of women stay. Anyway we would basically just move past it. He would say he was sorry and cry and it would be done. A couple years go by and everything seems fine. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. I had this gut feeling that something was wrong but I was very anxious over my pregnancy so I let it slide. Then comes time to give birth it was a 26 hour process which he stayed awake for most of, not talking to me just playing on his phone. I give birth everything is beautiful. My best friend comes over everyday for the week after and then reveals that my husband has been texting her saying he wishes she’d never leave and heart eye emojis, things she felt were inappropriate but continued with. She said she was scared that if she told him to stop he wouldn’t let her see me or the baby. I ended up cutting her off and stayed with my husband. A choice I still feel I handle incorrectly. My husband starts going to therapy by himself and becomes very close with his young female therapist. Nothing happened that I’m aware of but then all the sudden she moved practices and I saw his emails saying he would miss her. Just with our history I was worried about but nothing else ever came of it. We seemed to be doing better and then about two years later my friend Comes over and me her and my husband all get very drunk. I looked through his phone and he had been texting someone and called her babe. Someone I worked with that he only knew from a mutual friend from years ago. He had been having an affair on/off again for a couple years. I left with my friend to sleep at her house and stayed away for a day or so. He put us in marriage counseling the next day. It seemed to help and we had been better. Fast forward to now two years later, I’m pregnant again and I’m terrified. I keep dreaming of him cheating on me I’ve been so depressed the last week or so. I asked to go through his phone last night which he refused. I cried to him for hours and he still did not budge. I’m currently sitting at our local park trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do. He says he isn’t hiding anything, it’s the principle of going through his things and the fact that this feels like a step backwards instead of us moving forward together. But to me if he wasn’t hiding anything he should have no problem at all handing his phone over. Am I wrong? Am I emotional cause I’m pregnant and basically having PTSD flashbacks? It just feels like something is off and I can’t shake the feeling and his actions last night did not help at all.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if he's cheating right now or not but, given his track record, it's a reasonable assumption. Here's the thing, Anonymous: We teach people how they can treat us. And for years, you've let him get away with COMPLETELY inappropriate behaviour if not downright infidelity and then you've punished the people who tell you it's happening rather than the guy who's doing it. So whether he's cheating or not right at this moment, it seems as though you've never really dealt with all his cheating throughout your marriage so there's no reason to assume he's being faithful. He's never really had to stop. Please, before this baby is born and you're an exhausted mom of an infant, get therapy and deal with everything you're putting up with. Find out why you aren't holding him accountable. Get to the bottom of your fears and find ways to set and maintain boundaries with him. Or find out whether you can stay with someone who's refusing to be honest with you. But please don't continue to let him gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.
DeleteHello to All....for now, instead of posting my story I will post something I have learned....Can a marriage be 're-built'? For me, nope. Because what I thought to be a beautiful marriage was a mostly one-sided relationship of me giving, caring, doting, holding the ball, running with the ball, bending over backwards with the ball.....my wasband lying, cheating, stealing since we were engaged, even before we were engaged....2 years of engagement (plenty of time for him to tell me of his ongoing secret life + bad behavior) and 13 years of marriage...why would I want to re-build a lie? I have been on so many sites that say 'it is possible to re-build a marriage' but I question this. Can a broken egg be re-built? Nope. It is smashed on the sidewalk, golden yolk running everywhere, and if it is a hot summer day, it will soon be rotten. The egg cannot be re-built. Ask Humpty Dumpty. Can couples start 'anew'? That is up to them. What does that really mean? what does that look like? For myself, armed with the info that I have on wasband's ammoral life, with his disrespect for me, his abuse of my trust and my body; with his ongoing gaslighting, tantrums, delusions, disinterest in therapy and real growth I am not willing to start anew. This would be a death sentence for me. Does he deserve a chance to grow and try at the marriage again? He had 15 years with me to do this. And I am his 2nd wife. He was with his 1st wife for 13 years. He has had over 30 years of marriages to work out his problems which he has not, and he continues with his destructive patterns. As a human being, he is on his own path and I am not his keeper. We have been separated for almost three years and he is on dating websites, porn sites...his female girle fling from last year is not much older than his daughter...ewwwwwwww.....a 61 yr old man with 30 yr old (a 4x drunk driver)....nope, wasband hasn't learned a thing and lives out his unhealthy patterns....I have learned to not place hope where there is none. He says he still loves me. Well, that was a few months ago. But still, is that his hook? a now hollow word that I bought into long ago which brought mostly destruction to my life? I have spent the past almost-three-years working on me, on my self-care, on my growth, my discovery of patterns, needs, wants and know that right now, wasband has nothing good to offer me, just his delusions and fantasies. I am re-building MY life. While wasband tries to jam a glass shoe onto his troll-dolls, this Cinderella is much, much safer to walk barefoot without him.
ReplyDeleteThank-you for this, Zinderella. We each need to walk our own path, whether in a glass slipper or barefoot. Glad you found yours.
DeleteI have been visiting this site for awhile now and am grateful to Elle for this platform to share our story. I am a week away from the first anniversary of DDay and I still feel so lost, any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years now, in the last 6 years due to work, we lived in different countries, it was a good paying job and we told ourselves we were going to do it for a few years and saved for retirement. After the initial 2 years, I suggested that we moved across but we realised it was more expensive living there than home so we didn’t continue with that thinking. Since moving was not on the cards anymore, I started work in our home country to try help with our future and retirement plans because he had also started complaining about the increasing cost of living where he lived. Fast forward to 2020 and his contract finished and not getting renewed. It was disappointing for him but I also felt that the time has come anyway after almost 6 years to live together again, he seemed distant and angry when he came back, I thought it was understandable as he probably wanted to get a renewal. Things were tense over that summer and by fall, he told us that he had managed to secure a short term contract for another 6 months. We had been fighting for the last few months and he said the time apart would be good for us to re assess our marriage? I thought WTF, so we go for therapy, right? He said he didn’t think that would help us etc and I started getting very suspicious and sad. Few weeks after he had gone back, I managed to access documents which showed that he had been transferring money to a female bank account, this went on for months together with Uber receipts showing their activity, I was heartbroken and not even being able to confront him face to face just sent me into a downward spiral, we needed that money and I was working so hard to earn that every month. I couldn’t take it and quit my job, it felt like I was helping to fund their lifestyle. I didn’t let on thst I knew as I wanted to confront him face to face, it was suffocating to know that if he didn’t like what I said, he would hung up on me and that made me go thousand of miles away so I said that I wanted him to return. Since he was on a short term thing and he completed two thirds contract, they let him finish up the rest remotely. Things were still bad when he returned and we were still fighting because he wouldn’t admit to anything and I didn’t want to upset our teenage son who was in the midst of his exams. Almost to the day a year ago, I walked up to him as he was texting and just took the phone away. He was still texting the OW since being back for few months now. I confronted him about this and eventually over a period of a week after, different versions of what happened came out. Fast forward to today, he has a job now in a nearby city and he’s said that he wouldn’t have gone back had he been given a renewal, I don’t know what to believe anymore, like why come back and still keep in touch if you never intended to go back there again, what would have happened if I never pulled the phone out of his hands, would he have ever confessed? He’s said he’s sorry and remorseful for what he’s done in the last few years being away from home and that he was lonely and needed the sex, and that he really wants to work at staying married. I thought to myself I was in the same position too except that I continued to work hard at my old job and raised our son instead of messing around. He’s currently in therapy with someone but I don’t know anymore what to think or feel. It’s like what Zinderella said, that resonated with me a lot, the egg has cracked and gone splat, what do we do about that splat feeling?
ReplyDeleteI''m so sorry. What do we do with the "splat"? Well, we have a few choices. Ideally, if we want to stay married, our husband takes full responsibility for his choice to cheat (rather than brushing it off as being "lonely" and "needing sex" -- you weren't lonely? Needing sex?) and does everything he can to rebuild trust. He says he wants the marriage? What is he doing to create a marriage in which you feel valued? Loved? Emotionally safe with him? Until and unless he takes the initiative to rebuild your marriage, then "splat" is the likely outcome.
DeleteThank you Elle for replying and thank you for ‘Stuck between now and not yet’, I cried through reading that, mostly it’s everything I feel and I hope that one day, I will be there, whatever that might look like for me. I have not decided if we will do couples therapy, it still feels like so much to process even a year on. I continue to read and journal. At least now, I truly feel that it was totally about him and his own selfish needs. We have had many conversations about what I want to see happen going forward, him doing work on himself and I am just taking a step each day, am just grateful for this space and sense of community.
DeleteHi Everyone, I just found out that my husband asked his ex out for lunch a couple of times. He didn't come clean when I found out about it. He denied that they had any physical contact. I just had a gut feeling that things could not be so simple. So I decided to ask him again 4 days after I discovered their meetings. Then he finally confessed that he actually held her hand, hugged and kissed her. It's so devastating to find out things bit by bit. It's like getting stabbed again. I am feeling really lost.
ReplyDeleteLast evening, I was alone at home. Images of him kissing and hugging the OW came into my mind. I couldn't stop thinking. My heart was in so much pain. I kept thinking that he might be hiding more things from me. I became paranoid. He came back from work and I couldn't wait to question him. What I needed was some love and assurance from him. He just didn't understand and started telling me that he's very tired and wasn't able to function well at work. I felt that what he meant was I am sabotaging his life. He was the one who damaged our relationship. What right does he have to complain? Had he ever thought of the impact of the damage to our relationship before he asked the OW out, we wouldn't have to go through this sh*t! He wants to have his kid badly. When I was trying to get assurance from him, all he thought about was when would he get his child. My feelings, my needs for love and assurance were not met. He's so obssesed with wanting a child and that has clouded his mind so much so that there's no more empathy, morals and integrity. Is this a sign for me to leave him?
What you needed was someone who could hear your pain and your fear and respond to it with compassion and empathy and honesty. You're not paranoid. You're responding to what you know (that he was seeing someone secretly) with what you suspect is happening again. This is classic gaslighting. Trying to make you think that you're crazy rather than acknowledge that your feelings are valid, given his behaviour. But you don't have to tolerate this. You can demand honesty and access to his devices (if he has nothing to hide, shouldn't be a problem) or you can assume his resistance to your desire for honesty is because he can't or won't be honest. Either way, don't tolerate it. And certainly excuse his behaviour because he wants a child. He needs to show you he'd be an exemplary husband and father before you should even consider having a child with him.
DeleteDear Elle, thank you very much for taking time to reply us despite your busy schedule. You are really a kind soul! I believe everyone here appreciates your kindness!
ReplyDeleteYes, I just wanted him to be honest and listen to how I was feeling and to show me compassion and empathy. I felt extremely terrible a few days ago and found out that I'm suffering from betrayal trauma. I couldn't eat and sleep well. I would wake up from shock or a heartache a couple of times within a night. I knew I couldn't go on living under the same roof with him so I decided to take a relationship break by moving to my bro's place. I told him that we should give each other some time and space to think thoroughly. I would say this was really a good move. This is my 3rd day here and I am feeling much better. I can be myself here. I did cry when I needed to and when I woke up with a shock or heartache, I would calm down and talked to myself. It's really good to talk to myself because only by doing this, I get to see how I really feel deep down and how I can help myself. I have not decided on whether to continue to stay in the marriage but I have chosen to forgive my spouse and the OW. I had the feeling of freedom last night when I chose to forgive them.
To whomever who is reading my post, I hope that you will never be betrayed in your life. However, if you have been betrayed by your loved ones, please step back a little to breathe and make peace for yourself. This break is definitely beneficial for you. You can list down the purposes, timeframe and have mutual agreement to remain in an exclusive relationship during this period. If you are thinking what if your spouse decides to go to the OW, then this just shows that he is not a man worth keeping.
I’m hurt ðŸ˜, I been with my fiancé for 3 years , we have a 2 year old daughter, and then I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship. So yesterday I went and check on our old house , I saw a car in the driveway didn’t know who it was. It was suspicious because it was park all the way in the drive way, I went inside… clothes on the floor and then I heard the door closed. It click ! I got cheated on , he gets out they both were naked . He look disappointed and hurt because he knew he fuck up. Everything was good ! I literally didn’t see this coming . I was so mad, I wanted to beat both of them. I grab her and then he pull me , she said “it’s his fault talk to him” and storm off . I was furious . Broke a few windows. I hit him . I been cheated on before multiple times and it didn’t really phase me. But this one hurt me badly. Felt like I got stab in the heart . I love him too much. He said this was the only time and I interrupted it . They was bout to but I came in on time I guess. I just don’t know anymore . This sucks . I literally sick to my stomach and I puke thinking about this situation. I thought it was just a bad dream but it really happen to me
ReplyDeleteI'm having technical problems (ie I'm technically challenged) so I'm going to have to be anon. Sorry. Just need to vent. This is a great site. I fell in love w my H in college, we married at 23. When I was 35, I learned of a year long affair of his and of course, hit the floor I was so devastated. Went to therapy, she moved away, after 2 years I thought I was healed. In 2010 -2011 (trickle truth) I learn that his 1 time affair was actually the 10th woman he'd slept with since we'd been together, and he had several women in the 90's and one woman from 2000 into 2010 until I found out. How naive I was. I thought "well that was a mistake he made a long time ago, thank God he got it out of his system so now we can spend the rest of our lives together happily". Wrong. When I told him it was her or me but make the decision NOW he called her and broke it off, then said "I've hurt BOTH the women I love" It's been 12 years since that horrible discovery year but he's made minor indiscretions since that (porn, lap dance, anger) and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. It won't go away. I've been married to this man for over 40 years and I now look at him like a stranger in my house. He's been sweet, helpful, but doesn't seem to have the motivation to really figure out why he did the things he did. He's had therapy - the last one, when my H told him I trigger sometimes when I read about infidelity, the counselor said: Can you tell her to stop reading books? I made the choice to stay bc I don't want the shrapnel from all the bombs he dropped on me to injure the rest of my family and family life. But it's taken a toll physically and emotionally. I sometimes wonder if there's any way in hell I can ever feel romantic again towards him. My mind wants to. My body says "no way." I have a sinking feeling I'll be in limbo for the rest of my life. Never expected this. But then again, life is not fair. It just is. Thanks for listening!
ReplyDeleteIt's my first day after finding out about my fiancee, after 4 years of our relationship, she cheated on me and my best friend over the phone twice. She has deep regret I know, and I know she loves me or I don't know anything, I doubted everything. I'm broken, I don't know what to do, I want to give her a chance and in the next few minutes I forget it and I want to break up, I gave her my trust and she betrayed it , I don't know because of karma, or what, but I don't know what to do, I think she has problems and needs to be treated with a doctor For mental health, I also think the situation is complicated by knowing my close friends, I never wanted that to happen, I never wanted to feel those feelings, I didn't deserve it, I just wanted to build our house and live together, can someone tell me what to do?
ReplyDeleteI love her, but I can't stand it happening again, despite her confirmation and clarity that it will never happen again together, but now I don't believe anything, can anyone reassure me?
The truth is nobody here can tell you what to do. I know your hurting and you think the pain will eat you up. The truth is and this is the killer you will need time ( nobody wants time they want the clocks to go back or move forward so you don’t feel this pain anymore) to process what has happened. I know not what you wanted to hear but if you can read some of the other blogs on this site you will know that you are not alone and I hope that brings you some comfort
DeleteI’m heartbroken 💔. I’ve been married to a man, who I thought was my soul mate, for 16 years. 10 days ago I found out that he had been cheating on me for 6 years. It started with the occasional prostitute (never the same one) and 2 years ago he found “her”. She was 22 at the time and he was 62. Looking back I should have seen it. He is a very sexual man, and in my heart I knew that having “casual” sex twice a week with him was not going to keep him home. He always wanted more, asked for more but it’s the down and dirty sex that he wanted. I was sexually abused in my first marriage. Received years of counseling and knew that I couldn’t go down that road. He said he understood, loved me deeply and wanted to grow old with me. I believed him until the day he withdrew $8200.00 from our savings account. He told me it was to help a friend that had gotten himself in trouble. The lies from that moment became harder to believe and I finally put all the pieces together. The bail money was to get his prostitute out of jail. That night he brought her home to our house and slept with her in our bed. She has had two felonies of cocaine abuse, selling and fleeing the police. She is currently in jail for the next three months and thankfully my husband has no idea where she is. I feel like I have three months to work on our marriage because he can’t tell me that he won’t see her again. He feels a connection, she needs him and yes he has always paid for sex with her. He wants us both. Our counseling appointment isn’t for two weeks and I literally feel like I am drowning. I don’t know who he is anymore. The screaming and crying constantly has stopped and I’m trying so hard to simply listen, not give him ultimatums but in the mean time it hurts so bad.
ReplyDeleteHi everyone, I found out a few months ago my husband was having an affair with a man for fours years. After discovering the text messages and video chats. I confronting him about the affair. He said it was his childhood trauma that triggered him to have the affair. I asked him if he was bisexual. He said no it wasn’t for him. I’m confused, hurt, lost and don’t know what to believe.
ReplyDeleteElle, your story hits home with me. My husband of 8 years just confessed to his latest affair last night. This is the 3rd one that I am aware of. He admitted that he has a sex addiction and needs help. We were in therapy at my assistance after the 2nd one, but he wasn't fully committed...didn't feel like it was helping .mainly because the therapist we were seeing uses the Gottman method and followed a script each time.
ReplyDeleteI find myself distraught and numb at the same time right now.
I HAVE to take anti-anxiety medication to function...I have for years and unfortunately it lowers my libido. He has had a much more provocative sex life in his previous 2 marriages than i ever have...like a swinger type relationship.
I have a strong faith in God and he is continually working on his faith..knows he needs to do better. I believe God can work miracles.
Just like you describe in your article that tells your story, the 2nd and 3rd time he became a blubbering mess upon confession. This is the first time he has told me face to face about an affair. The other times were over the phone an via text.
I feel like most people would leave...but that seems so scary to me right now.
Elle, your story hits home with me. My husband of 8 years just confessed to his latest affair last night. This is the 3rd one that I am aware of. He admitted that he has a sex addiction and needs help. We were in therapy at my assistance after the 2nd one, but he wasn't fully committed...didn't feel like it was helping .mainly because the therapist we were seeing uses the Gottman method and followed a script each time.
ReplyDeleteI find myself distraught and numb at the same time right now.
I HAVE to take anti-anxiety medication to function...I have for years and unfortunately it lowers my libido. He has had a much more provocative sex life in his previous 2 marriages than i ever have...like a swinger type relationship.
I have a strong faith in God and he is continually working on his faith..knows he needs to do better. I believe God can work miracles.
Just like you describe in your article that tells your story, the 2nd and 3rd time he became a blubbering mess upon confession. This is the first time he has told me face to face about an affair. The other times were over the phone an via text.
I feel like most people would leave...but that seems so scary to me right now.
I have just found this site and am so grateful that it exists. I have been so lost and confused, I keep asking why, with no answers. My husband of 12 years, we've been together for 15, started having a sexual affair in February. He started the emotional affair in January. He would take her on work trips with him, work "at home" from her house, pick her up to ride around with him in his work car and who knows what other things he never came clean with to me. When I found out in May, he claimed to want to work on our marriage and that he would stop the affair. I didn't know that he told her I had found out and not to answer any messages or calls from him (he used his work phone to get in touch with her). I thought he ended the affair and that we were working on our marriage. However, he was still seeing her and talking to her. After marriage counseling for a few weeks, he told me in early July that he still loved her and left me, but that she had ended it with him in June. So all of July, I thought he was working on himself, seeing a therapist and staying at his parents. Most of that was true but he also started seeing her again. I found out August 8th that he was still seeing her and that he did not want to end the affair BUT he did not want to end our marriage either. So since then, I have been sitting here waiting for him to come home but he can't make a decision. I feel so pathetic and weak. We have four children together. Also, this woman lives in our town and has 3 children of her own. She is a single mother and her kids have two different dads. He stays at her house sometimes for the night, and her kids know he is there. Our kids do not know that he's doing this, just that we're separated for now. Also, two of her kids are in the same grade as two of our kids. I'm worrying for my two kids and what they might hear. I feel like I'm all over the place, rambling. I can't understand any of whats happening. My heart is broken and my heart breaks more for my children.
ReplyDeleteI’m 8 days from finding out. The first story is it was just texting and an “emotional relationship” now it comes out it was sex in hotels for two months. Wonder what will come out tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteHi everyone
ReplyDeleteI just discovered this website, I am french speaker so I hope you guies will be able to read my english...
I travelled to give birth to our second child, I was 8 month pregnant at that time. He came around the time I was about to give birth. I also had complications with my pregnancy, i was sick a lot. I give bith to my son and i can feel this distance between us. I decided to focus on my newborn until i go back home.
When i come back home, my son is 1 month old and I discovered the whole time i left he started cheating with a maried woman who lives in Japan..
They had oral sex, and spent time talking all day (he wasnt even calling me like that, just sending me text). Talking and video sexing even on days i was at the hospital. Calling her the next day I gave birth and we were at the hospital together. I was devasted. I couldn't even breathe when I found out. I was crying all day and out, could not take care of my newborn. He says it didn't mean nothing to him and he did not have sex with her, he just flirted with her. He was sorry and was remorseful. He called her to put and end to their story.
I was so upset against her because she knew we were married and she was married too. I wanted to find her husband so bad, I turned into and F.B.I agent and went to look for her husband on social medias. I even like her family pictures she posted on social media to let her know I am coming for her. She panicked and called him, he told her I am upset and she need to stop contacting him, she did not want him to stop and was trying to convince him that I was probably going to leave him because he betrayed me and she has been betrayed before by her husband so she knows I will never forgive what he did, so they have to keep talking to fix it. He told her he could not talk to her anymore and that he will report to me from now on everything they will discuss anyway and hang up.. She went ahead and blocked me on her social media. I was furious because how could you ! You tried to sleep with my husband, and asked him to leave me when you know how it feels to be a betrayed wife and now you block me to add to my pain. I was so hurted.
My husband tried to make everything to help me through this pain. Answered all my questions day or night. Take me to vacation. I am grateful he is trying at least but I am still hurt post 8 months! Sometimes I feel like hurting him and her. I also feel stupid for not telling anyone because by doing so I am protecting the OW mariage because her husband doesn't know what she did. But I can't talk about it because I don't want people to know what he did, and they will also judge me.
Sometimes, I feel humiliated. I am reading all these books to try to understand why would another married woman want to break another women marriage. I mean my husband is sure responsible for this, but when I read all the text. He told her he loves me and will never leave me, he just wanted to have fun and he chooses her because she is also married and should not leave her husband, but she was insisting on asking him to leave me because she had feelings for him, he was better than her husband.......
He kept telling her she should stay married because he will not leave her. She was also comparing herself to me all the time... like asking him if she is more beautiful than me? He will tell her what she wanted to hear. Why would she act like that? I mean you knew the deal and you agreed on having fun, why compare yourself to me and forcing him to literally say you are better than me. I have nothing to do with this dealt. I feel like she was attacking me for no reason!!
Hi
ReplyDeleteI’m married for four years this year
I also gave birth to my first child 9 months ago.I found out a week before giving birth that my husband had an online affair with someone close to me just before I fell pregnant
He claims it was because of problems he was having with his family at the time although he admits I was there through it all
I forgave him because we were just about to have a baby and it wasn’t anything physical and he was apologetic and ‘nothing really happened’
We had a pretty good relationship before this
We fought like any couple but I always believed he didn’t see anyone but me (naïve I know) and that we were meant to be together
He was my Prince Charming
We both were married before to abusive partners (I know what you thinking…. Did he cheat on her as well but no he’s marriage was brief and he was faithful)
Anyway fast forward to after me giving birth my baby girl didn’t sleep at all at night for three months,I went back to work after two and I just wasn’t coping with life in general
I became aggressive,angry,frustrated and just not a nice person
We fought all the time and I was always moody with him making a lot of things his fault that weren’t really
We lived next door to his parents which didn’t help matters either and that just became an added issue
We finally moved about three months ago but I just found out that he had a brief affair with someone that he was working with
She no longer works there and he’s cut off all ties but I found conversations,pictures and call logs….which went on for hours
He was complaining about how much he deals with how much he does and how horrible I am
He even told her he wants to be with her although he says he never meant any of it and it was all just talk
When we spoke about why he did it he explained to me with he’s financial stress the way things were/are between us,etc etc he just needed a getaway and he made a bad choice
While I understand that and see how it could have led to him needling emotional support and having an affair since he claims it wasn’t initially about the sexual part of things I can’t forget how he did the same thing before when I was there for him and wasn’t the monster Ive become these past few months
I’m not taking the blame but I understand where his coming from
That being said it doesn’t mean I don’t feel insecure,about my looks my body,our relationship,I’m even scared of us arguing or having a fight,I’m scared of something going wrong in his life becuase then he’s going to need a crutch and I’m nowhere near as supportive as I was a year ago because I feel so betrayed
He’s taken responsibility but I don’t think he understands the gravity of what his done no matter how much I’m explaining it to him
He’s apologized and said he’ll do anything to make us right but I don’t know how to get past this image I have now because I was so sure he would never cheat
It’s changed the whole dynamic of the relationship for me but at the same time I can’t let him go
He is the love of my life
How do I trust again
I’ve read so much about healing and getting over being cheated on but I need some advice on a practical level from people who’ve actually been through this
What do I do to get my marriage to a healthy place again ?
Hi my story started 2.5 years ago. My h asked me to check a message on his phone. While doing so i noticed a large number of messages from his work colleague. He had always referred to her as being unstable but ok to talk to. I said i was uncomfortable with the level of contact outside of work. The content was general but could be 20 texts a day evening good night and good morning. She had hust broken away from a relationship and probably was lonely he started to delete messages incase i lioked i became obsessed with them talking. He denied anything romantic was happening. I asked her she said just friends. But our relationship was deteriorating rapidly. After 6 month ge said he didnt love me anymore and wanted to move out. We have 3 kids. My mental health had hit rock bottom panic attacks constant vomiting and diarrhoea i thought i was loosing my mind. He kept saying he had feeling for her and i was imagining everything i thought i had gine mad and paranoid. He never moved out said he wanted to stay and work on our marriage. I agreed for the kids and myself. We were 20 years together. 19 brilliant years and then this dramatic change. He continued to stay in contact with her outside their working day i still remained parnoid. We had good months bad months. But last thursday i picked him up at 5am from a night out. He was very drunk and told me after i pushed him that he had just left a hotel room after having sex with her and it has happened once 18 months ago as well. He ended up with thrush from her gave it to me . He has begged me to stay i haven't my mind made up. He wants to do counselling he is so sorry for all the hurt and amount of lies. He always defended her to me previously and wont hear a bad word. Didnt want me giving out about her. He now acknowledge her part in this. I confronted her yesterday outside their work. She pretended she didnt know what i was talkung about. But then said she wont go near only he said he couldnt leave as i wint allow him see kids. I would never have stopped him seeing kids. They are teenagers they would atrange it themselves anyway. Also that we were not sleeping together over the past two years. Where we had been intimate at least twice or 3 times a week. He has been very remorseful since Thursday i have allowed him stay in the home as i fear he is suicidal but ge has to get a sti test and can not work with her again. Cut all social media contact. Which he has . For him to not work with her he needs to talk to his bosses not sure he xan do that. Any advise is appreciated.
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong to mourn the loss of the friendship with the OW?
ReplyDeletePart 1
D-day was exactly one week ago.
Over the last few months we had been getting to know some new friends. Two married couples around the same age, did not have kids yet either, everyone lived five minutes from each other, and we all enjoyed going and doing a lot of the same things.
My husband is someone who talks to everyone through social media and texts. He has several good friends(about half are female) that he doesn't necessarily hang out with in person but has become close to via digital communication. I hear about everyone all the time. But when he told me he had a group chat with the two wives of this new friend group, I told him to be careful, don't make the husbands feel threatened. He said he was also talking to the husbands as well and actually getting close with one of them. We both started to get closer to one couple in particular and had hung out with them without the other couple about three weeks ago on a Friday night.
Side note: Not that our marriage had been perfect the last 8 years but I could honestly say that it seemed like we were at our best so far on an emotional level. We have been through so much trauma, a suicide attempt, and lots and lots of death of loved ones. My husband had gone through major depression and had been having problems with ED. We had not had sex in several months. We had discussed a couple months ago that we really missed it and that we should give it a go. Neither of us ever initiated it though. Then again about two weeks ago we had another conversation about it. Both confessing that we were a bit intimidated by it. I felt that was helpful to know and had decided to pick a day to initiate that I knew would be fairly stress free and we would have plenty of time in case things didn't go smoothly. Of course life happens and it didn't happen that day.
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong to mourn the loss of the friendship with the OW?
Part 2
I fell asleep on the couch that night and he woke me up with a serious "Hey" I replied with a "yeah, yeah, I'll go get in the bed" He says "No, we need to talk" He then proceeds to tell me that he is a horrible person and that he is sorry for doing this to me. I don't remember exactly what was said to make me realize what he was saying. As I said I had just woken up. I of course ask who and being completely honest I had a couple people in mind that wouldn't have shocked me. But who he said did! It was the wife of the couple we had just hung out with two weeks prior. He said after that night they had started chatting privately about completely normal stuff and realizing they had a lot in common. They both work from home and like i said we live about 5 mins from each other so they decided to hang out one day. Four days from when we had all hung out together. That's how fast it happened. He went to her house "just as friends" but of course one thing led to another. What gets me is that very evening he asked if I wanted to join both couples for dinner. Work had kicked my tail so I declined but told him I knew he had been cooped up in the house all day so he should go. Ha! The irony! So he went to dinner and had a great time with all of them. I asked later if he and her felt weird at dinner knowing what they had done earlier in the day. He claims he compartmentalized it. They proceeded to meet up pretty much every day they could for two weeks. On the Sunday I found out(D-day) my husband was even asking me earlier in the day if I wanted to go watch football with the two couples. They ended up having plans so that didn't happen. That night the OW's spouse just happened to see a text from my husband and then went through all of their messages and discovered the affair. OW texts my husband and says that she was busted and that her spouse wants a divorce and not to say anything to me. My husband knew that it would get to me at some point so that's when he woke me up and told me. When I discovered the timeline I realized that when we had been having the convo about being intimidated to have sex again he had already been sleeping with her. He stated that he was still having ED issues but was able to make it happen eventually with her each time. He says the reason it happened is because it felt good that someone didn't see all the negative about him. Someone was very interested in him and everything about him. They bonded over past trauma, etc. So I get that. I get that we have so much baggage that I have become complacent and am guilty of noticing the negative more than the positive. I wasn't putting forth the effort to keep the spark or to make him feel wanted/liked. I don't say this to justify what he did. At all. I can just see what led to this situation.
Is it wrong to mourn the loss of the friendship with the OW?
ReplyDeletePart 3
On D-day he seemed to be honest while answering all my questions. I didn't react the way I expected. All I wanted was to be embraced by him and honestly I wanted to have sex with him. So freaking weird! To my defense I had been gearing myself up for it all day. I told him that i wasn't necissarily jealous of the other women(oh I forgot to mention he threw in there that he had sex with a client last year when out of town. Oh goody) but that I was jealous of him for getting to have these fun, exciting, and passionate situations. I wanted that. I wanted that with him! I didn't sleep that night and was a zombie at work the next day. I even reached out to the OW. Not to be nasty but to just say "Certainly didn't see that coming. I was actually looking forward to becoming better friends" In hindsight maybe I was trying to make her feel guilty. She profusely apologized and we had back and forth conversations all day. As weird as it sounds, talking to her made me feel better. I realized that she is actually the decent person I thought she was but she made a horrible mistake due to trouble in her own marriage. I can see that both she and my husband now see that not only did they damage our marriages but put an end to what seemed like a great new friendship. My husband and I have said several times this week that if only we could all come out on the other side and all still be friends. I think we may actually be unhinged. haha
We decided to keep going as normal to the outside world because we had a family(his) trip in a few days, a family wedding trip a week later, and then a friend coming to visit from across the country the following week. We decided to get through these 3 weeks and then figure out if we want to seperate or not while we work to see if we want to fight for this marriage or give it up. We got through the family trip(actually had an amazing time) but on the way home I started to lose it. We got home and he went to the gym and to run errands and I literally cried the entire time he was gone. I realized I had been on autopilot all week and had not truly allowed myself to feel any of it. Now I can't shake this feeling. It's the worst i have ever felt in my life and i have been through some serious stuff.
I haven't told any friends or family. I am pretty certain it will only make things worse. My best friend has her own relationship(platonic) with my husband and literally the day before D-day she told me that she will always love and care for him unless he "beats or cheats". I don't remember why she was even saying that but it made sense at the time. I don't want anyone passing judgement onto me OR him. Especially until we figure out what we are going to do. Even then, I know that she is a positive support for my husband and I don't want to take that away from him. All this to say, I feel more alone than I ever have.
We start couples counseling in two days and I start individual therapy in a week. As weird as it sounds I prefer to be around him right now. When I'm alone I am overwhelmed by my feelings and wandering mind. I don't know what the future holds for us but gosh am I ready to not feel like I am suffocating.
This is long.
ReplyDeleteSimilar but a variation to others. I’ve been married over 40 years. We are both in our late 60s.
2 grown children, one has moved back.
Many years ago i found he was using internet porn a lot, then on a vacation with others when we had sex he was making “oh my god yes yes sounds” who was that for? That along with little flirting play and with a heavy imbalance on household chores and career, killed my interest in sex with him.
2001, 10 years later his parents died, then in 2009 my dad died and my mom in 2015. I was swamped.
But in 2015 we tried and it was painful for me. I went to the doctor about it a received some things to try.
In 2016 I had a cone laser treatment for cervical issues.
Meanwhile he started his own issues with back pain which he called sciatica but was really needing a hip replacement which he received in 2020.
Just A year ago I tripped over a hotel receipt on his computer for a weekend I was away in 2021 and confronted him. He said he thought sex was over for us but was willing to try again.. then there was the dance.. I’m too aggressive, he is the alpha .. stop pressuring…nothing for a year. In July 2022 I was away again for a weekend and he was with her. I was on alert and knew.
I confronted him and he said it was the last time and it was goodbye. I said it was one more time.he didn’t like it. He deleted contact and gave me access to available info.
I dragged him to a counselling, he knew but forgot! Went but didn’t want to. Said it was over and he wanted to be with me.
After that I read tons of stuff and told him he had to be brutally honest. Over a few days he was.
I have significant dates above, but he does not relate them
In 2002 he started going to erotic massage parlours fairly regularly. So a progression from porn. After about 10 years one of the masseurs offered a sexual relationship. She was in a committed relationship with a woman but wanted a man for sex. Her partner was aware and approved. She was the age of our daughter or about 30 years younger. All were aware I was in the dark. This went on for 12 years!
He said he didn’t want me to know cause I’d be hurt.. really!
He also got Cialis cause he struggled with her.
He said it was a lot at first, but I can see since 2015 (financial records) that it was 3 times per year, down to 2 times down to once in 2021 and again 2022. It was nice steakhouse dinners and expensive hotel rooms with a jacuzzi and king bed.
I have not received any treatment like that in over 30 years. Doesn’t initiate celebrating anything.. not our anniversary. He Christmas presents have little thought. In fact he’s been a bit mean for a few years.
I insist on date days once a week, but all ideas are mine.
On that day I try to communicate and want to hear like/ dislikes. I also have sent him a few videos to watch, one is Esther Perel, the other is called Long Sex. He responses are yes, I see.
Since D. Day2 this year we did try a couple times. It wasn’t nice..I want intimacy and touch, I felt like he couldn’t touch me and it was about training me to give good hand job..
I told him about that and we are on hiatus til a planned vacation upcoming.
I have found that I am not as asexual as labelled but I need affection.
The weekly chats are not going well.He just wants to put it behind us and move on. It’s a new marriage. I agreed the old marriage is dead but we don’t want to repeat mistakes.
He said he cares and if he didn’t he’d leave.. and it’s more than social,family, finances..he does care he says.
I am seeing a counsellor alone occasionally as I have told no one and need to talk.
If things aren’t better after the vacation he is amiable to go to couples counselling.he has said he wants intimacy too.
He has been great about snuggling all night and brotherly kisses.
That is nice but I’m insecure.
When I said I’m 30 years older and not a professional he said not to worry about it.. I look better than most my age and the other doesn’t matter. But I don’t think he even looks at me.
I just feel alone.
I can’t talk to my friends so this was a perfect option to get it out. I just found out yesterday that my husband of 3 years has a side family since 2014. He and the other woman have been on and off since 2014!!!! So does that make our kids and me the side family???? Anyways she sent me a message and proceeded to tell me that they share 2 children together 1 of which is between our children and that they were together just this past weekend. He confessed everything and I asked for details because I need to know everything. She wants to meet because she wants to be with him but he is adamant he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her because if he did he wouldn’t have married me. It’s still so fresh I don’t know how to process any of it or what to do. I never saw this coming at all, mostly because I am open to poly arrangements and he didn’t have to lie about her. He could’ve had that situation with some caveats and we would’ve been fine. I’m at a loss now because 3 kids later and “building our life” I’m pretty devastated.
ReplyDeleteIt's been helpful to land on a site that makes me feel like I'm not alone in my own internal world of hell. I can't say it's this first time, but this time it almost feels unbearable. Ive been in a relationship for about 10 years, not married ( another complicated topic) but settled for the love we had. I have 4 children from my first marriage, and when I met him 3 years later, I felt real love for the first time. I felt valued, seen, important and heard. He was financially stable and would always take me to new places , experiences, it was exciting but after a few months I noticed something was off. The fun, and exciting nights out were not so fun anymore as I wanted to now stay in and him to get to know my children, which I was sacrificing to spend time getting to know him. I remained silent, didn't want to lose him and so continued partaking. I soon became unhappy and complained about his drinking and partying which for a 35 year old didn't think should be that much of a problem but it was. I also soon started seeing red flags like him flirting with my friends and talking to them offline until they told me about it, and yet I stayed. I then met his mother for the first time as she walked into his home while we were making dinner, and as I am of another ethnicity and not Caucasian, when I went to shake her hand , she made me wait for what felt like the longest 30 seconds until she barely touched my hand. that was the only contact Ive never had with that woman who has never accepted me. I was excluded from thanksgivings,christmasts , birthdays and events because I was not allowed when she was there. she told him he had to break up with me or would not receive her inheritance, and he did leave me 6 months in. I was devastated, but 1 month later he came back and took him back. His cycle of drinking and partying never changed, and we were on and off again, as he discarded me when ever he found someone new or what I could only assume from what I saw. His friends and family all ridiculed me and treatedly me like I was a horrible human for not keeping him from going out, and dealt with never belonging and being treated like what felt garbage but still I accepted him and the small amounts of love he would give me because he told me one day we would move in, one day we would wed and one day... 5 years in, I sensed something was off, he was being avoidant, rude, and just treating me like I was worthless which Happened from time to time and I knew in my gut it was coming. we had just gotten back together 3 months earlier and he was hesitant of me putting up a photo and within an hour I received a text message on fb from a woman sending me her whole text from him and her. MY heart sank. That was betrayal #1. he had built an entire life with her online, talking to her on the phone but never in person. He even told her he was going to move her out to his Family Ranch where we live. I confronted him, he denied it until I showed it to him and walked out. For 4 days I ignored him and he plead mercy in every way he could, I let him back in. First mistake.
ReplyDeletePT 2 Since that day he gained my trust stepped up as a father to my kids and finally started making an effort finally. we've had a few good solid years, and this past I was amazed at the sacrifices he made to be the hockey dad and give up summer and winter to be there for "our" kids. only part of me knew deep down he was resentful when his brother and friends kept pushing parties and festivals they wanted him to attend.
ReplyDeleteIt starts to resurrface.
The last 6 week of my life have been hell. We had an argument because I felt insecure about his sister bringing around her best friend to their ranch all of a sudden all the time. I cooked birthday dinner all on my own for his sister her friends his brother and my partner. they all ate looked me in the eyes and complimented me like a friend would. I was kind in every way. That night he didn't want to leave his sister and her friend , had drank way too much and I had to drag him basically in a not so friendly way. It was inappropriate but I had to call him out. they thought it was funny. Since that night everything was different and I didn't know why.
He became angry, annoyed, bitter, isolated me, ignored me, and wouldn't tell me why. I felt like a stranger in our home and day by day it was breaking me down, I felt disgusting Like I didnt matter, I started getting angry myself saying that If he didn't tell me what was going on I was leaving and I just wanted us to be happy and if it had to do with us ti just tell me. No he said no your not moving out, I love you, Its not about us, im never losing you. I believed. I became worried as it got worse he didn't want to leave his room, barely said a word to be, so I called his friend, Who without saying so gave me some advice and alluded to that in the past when he's behaved like that and had to settle down, he acted out with other women but that's not what he was saying of course he told me. I just knew in that moment.
I feel my blood pulsing, asked where we was and met him. I had no proof but asked how he had her contact info on his phone. his answer was " IDk" like a child. my heart sank. I didn't even know that he did but I caught him. I lost it. I dont know if I felt rage, incoherent, I think I just saw red. I started driving and said he was going to tell me everything. He denied and said SHE reached out to him and he never replied not once. I parked and decided to get the truth from the snakes which were his sister and woman herself ( her friend which I just knew). It was confirmed with in seconds, and the woman simply said " oh so you haven't moved out and aren't broken up" he deserves so much better than you, he's told me how unhappy you make him. " He denied it all, now saying he responded to 4 texts and that was it,, funny how the story changes. he'd never dare touch her, she was trashy and there has only ever been me and I've been all he's ever wanted, he wasn't losing us or our family.
I was pulled over and screamed which then turned into a sob and he just watched. he sat still and said Nothing. I think my heart shattered more at the fact he just watched in silence without the need to comfort me after what he had done because, he said " I didn't do anything".
I drove us back in silence and sobbing back home, I let him watch me pack my bag, where all he uttered was please dont leave, I shouldn't have talked to her, im sorry. and I had a friend pick me up and left. for 4 days I didn't come home, I got him saying he was sorry, loved me, please come home, which I eventually did ,mistake as I thought I was ready.
I came back, much too soon, as when I saw him I still had rage. He had no words for himself. and I proved and said what do you have to say? nothing. well maybe if you didn't come in here raging... I there our family picture from our mantle at the wall. I fell to the ground and sobbed. He had no remorse, no urgency to make things right, just sweep things under the rug. I was angry. nothing changed that evening I remember a blur and just staying in our spare room downstairs.
ReplyDeleteHe was leaving to work away for 2 weeks, the next day, near the proximities of this woman may I add, and still nothing came from him. I told him this was over. he dismissed me and said " no its not, were not breaking up. ill be back in 2 weeks, ill fix things you'll see". the day he left, I called him on his drive and said I sent you a message please pull over and read it. It described the pain he's cause over the past 10 years, the betrayals, his family, and why I no longer wanted to be with him" he read it and said I told you we will talk, not breaking up I love you but I gotta get going. I hung up. I heard from him the next day via text saying good morning babe, hope you and kids and dog are well heart face, I didn't reply. Next text you and the kids are set up on our benefits now , no reply from me. Next text next day, kiss face, no reply. Last Thursday, a password for money he had sent me, I did not reply. Not only did that make me rage but it was the last message he sent me. Ive been attending counselling every week. but am a walking zombie most days. Its been a week today and 1 more to go until he gets back. and I feel im in a limbo.
PT 4
ReplyDeleteI know its best to keep no contact but when is the right time. I have so much to say but how could he be so cowardly to not have a single thing to say and just pretend he's left a family of 10 yrs at home no big deal. not thought in his day but I guess he most likely has his new object to fill him up. My pain is unbearable. I have this weight in my chest that doesn't go away. I can't eat most days. I go to the gym just to move but am barely there just an empty shell. My 13 year old son, sent him a text I was unaware of saying I just found out what you did to mom, she didn't deserve that she's an amazing person. You hurt all of us including my siblings and I. He also did not respond.
How can someone be so inhuman , how can you just detach from a family and live in a fantasy world and pretend its not there, or have to deal with it? and yet I am dying inside with it all barely functioning? I want to text him so bad and yell all these things, but what good? but truthfully I was want him to say something for himself.
IM stuck, Im living at the house thinking so what now? do I wait until he tells me he's back and ready to talk? maybe he wont come back and stay at his new womans, how can he be so callous? how do I move forward from this limbo so close to Christmas, Its my favourite season and haven't put up my tree. this likely wont be my home much longer. Should I say something?
Hope some of you may have some guidance, as I am incapable of movement and stuck in dark place that I feel I can't possible get out or bear this pain any longer.
Guys I need help and I can’t sleep- it’s 4am!
ReplyDeleteI confronted my husband tonight who was wasting our money (I’m the homemaker) to Sugarbabies, a girl in Ukraine & to his ex overseas!
He says he never had physical sex with them, only on videos/ texts. I partly can believe it as he has erection problems sometimes. but then he meets them at cafes & I dunno if he can perform that well under pressure (say if it was in a car) .
I know these coz I went through their conversations & it was all about their anticipation of having sex. But there are sooo many girls he’s talking to on social platforms I’m convinced he had physical sex already.
My trusted friend went through the same & told me these things happen. She advised me not to divorce for the sake of our 1 year old son, but make him accountable for everything & forgive him.
I put the ball to his court & asked him if he wants a divorce but he said he doesn’t know as he was still overwhelmed about everything. He later suggested marriage counselling as part of him wants to be with our son. I also want to work this out.
But my chest is so heavy from all the hurt of all the messages I saw. Particularly how he blatantly throws away money which our home actually needs. ðŸ˜ðŸ˜¢
Hi all, not sure if im posting this in the right spot!
ReplyDeleteI just turned 35, my ‘husband’ is about to turn 41. We got married June 2021 after 8 years together. I found out I was pregnant in May of 2021. 3 months later my husband told me he had been sleeping with his coworker for the past 4 months. Not only that, but he loved her. I kicked him out of the house and he ended up going back home to California to be with his family/friends (we live in Illinois). I asked him to not contact me and told him I would reach out with any news about the baby, we didn’t talk much for 3 months. In September he reached out and wanted to set up calls with a marriage therapist so we could start talking again. We did that from Oct- December and had agreed that we would work on our marriage and give it another try. He had come back to Illinois in mid December and the baby came 4 days later, 4 weeks early. She is absolutely beautiful and is as healthy as can be. She didn’t need to spend any time in the NICU. She’s amazing and we’re obsessed with her!
He basically abandoned us (me and unborn baby) in the middle of my pregnancy. I know he is sorry and has finally realized the damage he’s done. He is working really hard to make things better and has gotten back into church and support groups through the church. I still love him and am having a hard time moving on from the ‘happy family’ picture that I have in my head.
Am I crazy for giving him another chance?
To anonymous from Jan 8. Congrats on your baby! I am sorry you were pregnant while you found out about your affair. It’s hard enough to hear one life altering event but you had another soon after. Anyway, no one is crazy here except our delusional spouses when they choose to be in an affair. He claims he loved her. That isn’t love except of himself IMO. He loved how he looked in her eyes when all she probably did was praise him and never see the day to day behind the scenes of what a marriage looks like. If she loved him she would want him to be a better man and be home giving your pregnant feet massages. I digress. If you love him and want a different marriage and both of you are willing to put in the hard work then try to work it out and see where it takes you. Raising a child alone is not easy but neither is making the choice to stay. It’s good you kicked him out. You see it as abandonment but I see it as you took control and showed him that you won’t settle for his BS. I try to as my therapist says “flip the script” more and write a better story than what I was dealt. You can write your own story now. I wish you all the best of luck! Your baby has one strong momma! Let’s hope Dad can step up and be a good role model from here on out trying to prove to you that you deserve the new improved him. Change can happen.
DeleteI found this site looking for help and how to deal with what I’m going through
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been together for 16 years and 1 year married. I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago and that he had an emotional affair 6 months after we were married. His group of friends went on a bachelors trip and ended up with pr girls. One of them wanted him and he decided to keep in touch since meeting her on the trip. Someone sent me photos and videos of them FaceTiming when he was here and this went on for months. He says he did it because the opportunity happened and the whore would continuously message and call him. He said he felt guilty every time but his ego felt good that he was able to string this whore along and have her in love with him. He told her he missed her and loved her and even told her when he would be back in that country but this time with me and his family so they can’t meet. After he found out we were pregnant, he saw she had messaged again after months of him not replying. He said the last time he responded was a week before I found out and he decided to delete the secret app he used to talk to her but he also said I miss you and love you before “ghosting” her. I don’t know if he actually had intentions of ending things with her or it’s just because I caught him. We both said we had the best happy marriage and relationship and he was an idiot to step out of our marriage for nothing. He says that he will devote his life to prove to me he loves me and that this was a mistake. He wants to keep the baby but i don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know if I can over come this and ever forgive him for this. I feel like the last 16 years have been a lie and he ruined our bond forever. If I don’t keep the baby and end up staying with him, I’ll never forget this. But if I keep the baby and dont end up staying with him, I’ll be attached to him forever. A big part of me wants to end the pregnancy and just restart my life as I feel like I have the confidence and power to do that. Another part of me obviously loves his disgusting cheating ass and wants to make things work but I just don’t know if I can ever get over this. He says she meant nothing to him and that he never loved her but how can I even believe anything he says when he legitimately told her he loved her… he says he was just mirroring what she would say. I just don’t know what to do anymore and he was my best friend and the only person I find comfort in. I’m struggling because I want him to comfort and hold me yet I don’t want him to touch me. I need to decide soon what I’m going to do with the pregnancy…. Help :(
ReplyDeleteI found this website while I was looking for coping mechanisms. I have been reading stories for the last 2 weeks and I think I am finally ready to share mine. I found out a month ago that my husband of 3 years has been cheating on me. So he usually hung out with his friends every Saturday, and that was his alone time away from the baby and the family. That’s y I never suspected anything. One day when he was supposed to be off with his friends, I got onto his computer to check one of the places that we had been to earlier that day, I wanted to bookmark it for the future. When I was looking through the locations on google maps, I saw that he was currently in a totally different location. Far away from where he said he did be. That was suspicious and I opened up his messages to see what was going on. He had messaged his friend that he was gonna be late to his house and that he was busy with something. My heart sank, I pinged him to ask what he was doing and he said he was with his friends like he told me. Once he got home, I confronted him and he confessed that he had been doing stupid things. He swore that there was nothing physical but he just needed someone to talk to. We had a rocky marriage and things got pretty complicated after we had a baby but I never thought he would do something like this.
ReplyDeleteOne week later I got into his Snapchat and saw that he was actually sexting a couple women and he had actually met up with one of them and had kissed her. I dint know what to do, I confronted him again and he looked very guilty and swore that was all he did and that he made a big mistake. He told me he had been on a dating site since the beginning of this year and he would never do that again and seemed pretty guilty.
And then a week later I found out that he has been on this dating app since 8 months, and he confessed that he had actually met up with 2 more women. He continues to swear that there was nothing physical but I don’t know what to believe anymore. If it was just me, I would have just left. But we have a 15 month old daughter and I don’t want her to be raised in a broken house. I am still processing what happened and am trying to understand how I feel about it. It’s such a traumatic experience and it’s sad that so many of us are going through this. I just want to move past this coz the pain is unbearable at times but it’s so hard. I am struggling to distract myself with work and the baby but the nights are especially hard !
So it was my children that discovered their father's betrayal. My youngest son was the one that finally told me. I was completely devastated. I felt like my world imploded. I wanted to get divorced immediately because cheating is a deal breaker for me. This was not the first time for me. My first husband cheated on me as well. And I ended it immediately. But that relationship was one child and three years in. My current marriage is four kids and 15 years in, almost 10 married.
ReplyDeleteI felt broken, alone, hurt, betrayed, confused, and stupid. All while having to help my kids deal with what they found. I told them they can be angry but do not be disrespectful to him because he is still your father.
After a few days passed I felt like I was ready to talk to him again. We started by discussing what was initially going wrong in our marriage that lead up to what he did. Then we talked about rebuilding our marriage. I thought I was ready to rebuild but yesterday I found out that I can't process his affair and rebuild at the same time. We agreed to take a step back so I can process this. I was in a very bad place yesterday and I felt it was all overwhelming. Now I want answers and he feels like we aren't there yet. I hate this but I want my marriage. Why is this so hard?
DDay is March 16th. Just a little over 4 weeks. We’ve been married for 22 years. We have Two children and what most would consider a happy, healthy marriage. I NEVER imagined he would do this to us. I’ve read through the comments looking for anyone whose story is similar and haven’t found one yet.
ReplyDeleteHe was just promoted at work and had to spend a lot of time out of town for work conferences. He was with a group of all men and one woman. I joked and teased about this woman with him and told him to be careful. Again, never had a reason to be jealous so I felt comfortable teasing him about her. On their last night at the work conference, the group went out to celebrate. My H is not a heavy drinker but says he had 6 Old Fashions after drinking several shots of tequila. He says that his room and the woman’s room were close to each other so they had to walk back to their rooms together. She then initiated a kiss which led to them going in her room and trying to have sex. He says he was so drunk he didn’t have time to think about what was happening. But before they actually had sex he was able to stop and leave. He cried and threw up when he told me. He has been patient and remorseful and understanding of all my moods. I believe he’s sorry and I believe he never wants to do that to me again. But I’m stuck on why he would do it in the first place. I am not sure I believe being drunk makes you forget you have a wife. I’m angry, sad, I feel naive. I knew this woman was there and never considered her a threat to my marriage. I love my husband and I believe he is a good person. I also know what happened could have been much worse. I’m just not sure I can ever trust him again.
I’ve been up all night reading these stories….. I hate that we are all going through this.
ReplyDeleteHere’s my story….. wondering if anyones “bounced back” after an 8 (!!!) year emotional/online affair? He Indy stars the intimate conversations were on and off but they spoke almost every single day. They’re coworkers in different locations.
I went look for proof to confirm a gut feeling. I found texts and endive - intimate in nature - on my husbands phone. We’ve been married for 13 years and have two daughters.
When confronted, he denied and reeled in more lies but eventually realized I’m not an idiot and fessed up. He swears he never physically touched this woman. He cut all ties (apparently) from her. I do believe that he has but I also believed he loved me and would never cheat do who really knows.
He’s answered all my questions and is giving me the time and space to express myself. He’s apologized. He says he was selfish and didn’t think about me. In the beginning of their affair, The other woman used to say stuff like “you’re married, are you sure you want to say this to me?”. Urgh……
It’s been 7 months since finding out. We’ve been doing couples therapy and I’m in my own therapy but I can’t picture ever overcoming this. Has anyone?
I also hold so much anger over the fact that he was a pretty crumby husband towards me even before knowing about the affair. Why did it take him getting caught to start treating me and our kids properly?
I guess I’m wondering if anyone’s overcome and 8 year long affair? I feel so broken… like I don’t know him or myself. I hurt for my kids…. I worry I’ll never be as full of life as I once was.
I think this one is full, and I really want to share my story but can't...
ReplyDeleteFresh new page! https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/p/share-your-story-part-7-6-is-full.html
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