"I had a dream where you were sitting on another man's lap kissing him and looking at me." When he woke up he was all over me. All I could think of was, this was a dream, imagining this in real life. How easily he forgets.
Him: "If you were to forgive me and we were to reconcile I would lose all respect for you and treat you worse."
This from a man who cheated on me since before we married (I just found out). So this is how you treat a woman that you respect?!
Other things he's said since I found out: "I haven't been having as much sex as you think." (he's been having more than me!)
"If it makes you feel better, I didn't do exactly well there either" (referring to his ED problems, and no it doesn't make me feel better, the intent was still there. Is he saying that the only thing that stopped him was a medical issue rather than his conscience?)
I enjoy the "I don't know if this matters but I thought about ending it." Actually that makes it worse, you thought about ending it but didn't... you chose her instead.
after D-Day, wasband decided to hate his mistress-of-four-years...he said to me 'well, it (the affair) was on its way out anyway'...after a few months of D-Day he ran into her somewhere and told me afterwards 'she didn't look very good'.... REALLY? Like I care?? I am so glad i kicked him out on D-Day...
What do you mean you're waiting for the other shoe to drop? What's the other shoe? (Found out a month later he wasn't just sexting with the OW and confiding in her about marriage issues, they did in fact kiss [which he claims is all that happened;it adds up but there's been so much lying I don't trust my instincts]).
When I told him if the OW had still been working with him (she quit at the end of the school year, I found out the following December) that I wouldn't be okay with them working together and would ask him to transfer schools he responded with "I have not only a bachelor's but a masters degree and she was a secretary so I wouldn't be going anywhere. She can go. " okay buddy, enjoy explaining to your principal that his secretary needs to be moved jobs because you guys had an affair.
The list of shit I heard: -Maybe if you were more fun I wouldn't go look else where -It's just dom shit -It's in the past, I said sorry. You going to keep on? -I promise to be better. -It's nothing. -She did things to me. I done nothing to her. -Nothing happened. I promise.
After the first 7 D-Days I separated from my husband after he quit therapy which was a boundary of mine to stay in the marriage. As he walked out the door he asked if we were going to be monogamous. I said yes. When I found out he had joined dating sites and was dating I asked him what happened to being monogamous? He said “I didn’t know what monogamous meant” This is the same guy who when I asked him if he had intercourse with all these prostitutes he had hired (because I had been hearing it was only hand jobs and I wasn’t buying it) and he said and I quote” Intercourse is a gray area” Can someone please explain to me the gray area because all I know is in or out.
My husband cheated and this isn't the first time. First, Vegas with a 5000.00 stripper. Next was a video model who he had live conversations and texting back and forth. That was back in 2017. For the past 2 weeks he has been envolved with another girl online, videos, texting, phone calls. He confessed. He also confessed that for the past 2 months he's been in the massage parlors for tugs and full intercourse.
I am so numb and heart broken. I'm going to stay. I won't let this tear spsrt us or our family. I'm so heart broken. I just want the pain and images to go away. How long this will take? How do I cope? ðŸ˜
Dear One....I am just seeing your post now, which is almost three years ago...I hope things are better in your life-situation. First things first, take care of yourself. Take care of YOU and if you have kids, take care of them. Your cheating lying husband has a lot of work to do. He needs to take care of himself. He has spent family money on some very bad habits and this is stealing. He has an unhealthy pattern and this will continue until he chooses to address his problems/addictions. Yes, a need for risky situations is part of a larger problem. This can take a long time, if ever to be addressed and healed. This is the work HE needs to do. Or he may not. So I strongly urge that you take care of you. You cannot take care of a broken marriage. His lack of respect for you is massive. He changed his commitment to you without checking in with you. This is a HUGE lack of respect, don't be fooled. His secret needs were more important than making you feel safe and loved within your marriage. Find a therapist or therapy-group for your own personal recovery, healing and growth. I am four + years permanently separated from wasband. He continued on with his bad habits after we separated so this showed me he had no interest in making his own life better. Why would I want to be with someone like that? I don't. This is your heartache - your rules, no-one can tell you what to do. But please keep your heart safe. It needs time to register the shock, the betrayal, the sadness, the grief... and this takes time. Then you need to give yourself time to heal and then work on your own self-growth. How long will this take? as long as it needs to. If you become stuck in pain and heartbreak, well, you become stuck. This is why it is so important to do things for you, for yourself. Take walks in nature. Eat well, don't drink alcohol. Go to museums or join a walking group. Whatever interests you have, seek out a community group and participate. Volunteer somewhere. Are you feeling you weren't enough for him? hmmmph. YOU are enough for YOU!! treasure yourself and this one precious life you have. I still get images from time-to-time, of wasband cheating. For the first year after D-Day I couldn't listen to music without crying, why? because I imagined him hearing the same song with his mistress(es), online sex-person, whoever....but when I get random thoughts of him and what he did, I think to myself that he had huge problems and I had nothing to do with them, and that I am taking care of myself in the best way I know how and he is off with his flavour-of-the-month which still stings a bit, even though we are separated. About a year ago he told me he still loves me. I think of Tina Turner, 'What's love got to do with it?' For our entire marriage he thought it was ok to cheat/lie/steal. He knew it was wrong but did it anyway. I found out the hard way after 15 years. I could not think of the invested 15 years of my Life as a reason to keep him in my life; he was never fully committed to me. I had to let my investment go since future investment looked extemely detrimental to my mental health and well-being. You need to ask yourself what you are willing to accept, what you can live with and why. I hope you are well and are moving through these tough times. Be well :-)
Take your time. your healing, your timeline. At one point I heard the 'But you were ambiguous!' Really? these guys will say anything to avoid our anger.
Husband: One time I forgot to take my wedding ring off and when I noticed it really bothered me. Me: What?????? oh so it didn’t bother you, you were married and screwing another woman, just the reminder you were married and screwing another woman? Makes sense to me (eye roll). By the way, I took the ring away. It was never intended to be taken off and on for the purpose of infidelity.
The shit that comes out of them. These are a few I got handed. 1] You were ambiguous about Porn. we had a hard and fast rule, NO PORN! How is this abiguous? 2] I didn't think about what I was doing. That's because if he did, he would have felt "bad". Aww no happy ending when guilt rears its ugly head. There is more. Just what worm has eaten our H's brain?
As to all the TLC, gifts, attention, heartfelt notes, poetic wisdom: “It was a game; I was proving I could be a good man”
In response to was she worth it? “I was never thinking of losing our marriage or hurting you or our kids; it was never about me wanting to get out of our marriage”
As to why the bazillion texts: “All we talked about was how how hard it is to measure up to high standards”
As to why he didn’t end it when I found out: “She started it, I was going to end it but she was in such a dark place and I tried to let it end gently”
As to if this was a Godly man’s action “well, God would want you to show me mercy”
I am an escort and I have seen married men, time and time again. I wish they'd at least take off their wedding rings. There's no being able to tell (prior to the booking) if he's married or not, but it always breaks my heart a little when I find out. It's damaged my perception of men, though I do try to remain positive. I hear so many excuses - some that have been mentioned here in the comments. I'm here to tell you that unless these men are caught, they will continue to do what they're doing. They've only stopped now because you found out about it. Think about that. Please don't allow them the opportunity to stay in your life. They end up going steady for a few years, and then seeing girls like me again. My biggest wish is that all of you, beautiful women, will remove the cheating man from your life and find someone else who would never dream of doing this to you. Easier said than done, I know, but my heart is with all of you. Please don't give them another chance.
This is my favorite - after a "business" trip "I don't know why there's a long, black hair in my hairbrush. GASP! Do you think the maid used my hairbrush?"
omg these ridiculous pathetic excuses and lies these cheaters toss about!! I found (her) long hair in the shower, in the bed sheets, even under a lamp....I called him out on it (she was renting our duplex next door, yep, he moved her in, I didn't know about their affair)...H: "She's crazy, I swear she sneaks in our house and plants her hair everywhere!"
When I found out the SECOND time (same woman, 6 years on) I told him to go and live with her for 6 months to get her out of his system and he told me he could never bear to live with her. He has been going to counselling and last week he told me he had been working on forgiveness - for himself for not spending time with his children, and for me for causing all the mess of the situation in the first place: he has steadily maintained that the reason he started the affair was because I 'neglected' him. Did I mention he spent many years travelling for work, and 3 years on a contract in another country, but I neglected HIM? And yes, when I confronted him and walked away, the first thing he did was to go to his phone to contact her. But this is the best: he actually started the affair because his Ho-Worker approached him and asked her to help her because she had had a hysterectomy and her hormones were jumping all over the place and her husband wasn't interested. What a kind, helpful person my husband is... I am trying to rebuild this relationship but don't hold out much hope.
"We were really separating already. You just had me caught before I could have ended things with her. It was just a fling." Yeah right, ending things my *@*@* when there messages few minutes before D-Time was "cannot wait to see you!" And a fling? A fling woudn't last one year with constant i love yous and million sweet messages every single day and who knows what else.
Just a couple of gems I've heard , one year from D-Day "We were just friends with benefits" "It was only every 6 or 7 weeks , what's the big deal" ( it went on for 4 years) "You need to get over this"
My husband once told me that we ( his howorker that he was banging in her husbands bed at lunchtime ) had a lot in common and I would really like her..
The ow--who was a "friend" and who was at my birthday party and my son's graduation wrote me an apology in which she said, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I just didn't particularly see you as my concern." My husband then said, "She's not a bad person. She just did a bad thing." Right.
My husband traveled to Cuba for his affair and before leaving he was checking his rum inventory so he would know what to buy for duty free except he could not find his rum and angrily asked me "Did you have a man in here drinking my rum?" I was in shock that he would accuse me of such a thing but it was OK for him to travel to another country to have sex with a prostitute that was 32 years younger than him. (At the time, he did not know she was a prostitute).
My husband pressured me to do our joint income tax because as his spouse we could pension split and he would get a larger refund. We were preparing for a trip that had been booked before his first encounter with a Cuban prostitute. I was very busy with my job and with packing for the trip and I was delaying doing it. He was getting annoyed with me that I was not doing it said in a very strong demanding voice "I want that money by the time we get back!" I felt very uncomfortable with his demands and, of course, it was me, not him, who had to find time to do it. I finally put everything side to get it done, not for him, but for me so he would leave me alone and yes, the money was in the bank account by the time we got back. I did not know it at the time but he wanted that money to pay, not for his next trip to Cuba that he took about a month after the return of our trip, but for a trip to Cuba that he was planning to take 5 months after that one. The pension splitting is only possible if you have a spouse, so I feel like I paid for the trip for him to cheat on me or at least I helped to minimize the financial impact on him.
Ya.im one off them ...but watch this fuckinggggg space LL
ReplyDelete"Of course I had to pull out so she wouldn't get pregnant."
ReplyDeleteHe was nipped after our third child!
PISS - Post Infidelity Shit Storm!
"I had a dream where you were sitting on another man's lap kissing him and looking at me." When he woke up he was all over me. All I could think of was, this was a dream, imagining this in real life. How easily he forgets.
ReplyDeleteMe: Why did you even move into my house if you were already cheating on me? Why didn't you just stay where you were?
ReplyDeleteHim: Because I thought we were secure, that we were in a good place, so I could just keep doing what I was doing.
:headondesk:
Him: "If you were to forgive me and we were to reconcile I would lose all respect for you and treat you worse."
ReplyDeleteThis from a man who cheated on me since before we married (I just found out). So this is how you treat a woman that you respect?!
Other things he's said since I found out:
"I haven't been having as much sex as you think." (he's been having more than me!)
"If it makes you feel better, I didn't do exactly well there either" (referring to his ED problems, and no it doesn't make me feel better, the intent was still there. Is he saying that the only thing that stopped him was a medical issue rather than his conscience?)
I want to say first of all me and my spouse are working things out but I heard:
ReplyDeleteI was curious (3 separate interactions over a 2 month period, allegedly)
My intention was never to hurt you
He has the utmost respect for you
I wanted to tell you
I never left you
There is more but replaying them brings up the anger
I enjoy the "I don't know if this matters but I thought about ending it." Actually that makes it worse, you thought about ending it but didn't... you chose her instead.
Deleteafter D-Day, wasband decided to hate his mistress-of-four-years...he said to me 'well, it (the affair) was on its way out anyway'...after a few months of D-Day he ran into her somewhere and told me afterwards 'she didn't look very good'.... REALLY? Like I care?? I am so glad i kicked him out on D-Day...
DeleteI thought you didn't love me anymore
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean you're waiting for the other shoe to drop? What's the other shoe? (Found out a month later he wasn't just sexting with the OW and confiding in her about marriage issues, they did in fact kiss [which he claims is all that happened;it adds up but there's been so much lying I don't trust my instincts]).
When I told him if the OW had still been working with him (she quit at the end of the school year, I found out the following December) that I wouldn't be okay with them working together and would ask him to transfer schools he responded with "I have not only a bachelor's but a masters degree and she was a secretary so I wouldn't be going anywhere. She can go. " okay buddy, enjoy explaining to your principal that his secretary needs to be moved jobs because you guys had an affair.
The list of shit I heard:
ReplyDelete-Maybe if you were more fun I wouldn't go look else where
-It's just dom shit
-It's in the past, I said sorry. You going to keep on?
-I promise to be better.
-It's nothing.
-She did things to me. I done nothing to her.
-Nothing happened. I promise.
After the first 7 D-Days I separated from my husband after he quit therapy which was a boundary of mine to stay in the marriage. As he walked out the door he asked if we were going to be monogamous. I said yes. When I found out he had joined dating sites and was dating I asked him what happened to being monogamous? He said “I didn’t know what monogamous meant”
ReplyDeleteThis is the same guy who when I asked him if he had intercourse with all these prostitutes he had hired (because I had been hearing it was only hand jobs and I wasn’t buying it) and he said and I quote” Intercourse is a gray area”
Can someone please explain to me the gray area because all I know is in or out.
My husband cheated and this isn't the first time. First, Vegas with a 5000.00 stripper. Next was a video model who he had live conversations and texting back and forth. That was back in 2017. For the past 2 weeks he has been envolved with another girl online, videos, texting, phone calls. He confessed. He also confessed that for the past 2 months he's been in the massage parlors for tugs and full intercourse.
ReplyDeleteI am so numb and heart broken. I'm going to stay. I won't let this tear spsrt us or our family. I'm so heart broken. I just want the pain and images to go away. How long this will take? How do I cope? ðŸ˜
Dear One....I am just seeing your post now, which is almost three years ago...I hope things are better in your life-situation. First things first, take care of yourself. Take care of YOU and if you have kids, take care of them. Your cheating lying husband has a lot of work to do. He needs to take care of himself. He has spent family money on some very bad habits and this is stealing. He has an unhealthy pattern and this will continue until he chooses to address his problems/addictions. Yes, a need for risky situations is part of a larger problem. This can take a long time, if ever to be addressed and healed. This is the work HE needs to do. Or he may not. So I strongly urge that you take care of you. You cannot take care of a broken marriage. His lack of respect for you is massive. He changed his commitment to you without checking in with you. This is a HUGE lack of respect, don't be fooled. His secret needs were more important than making you feel safe and loved within your marriage. Find a therapist or therapy-group for your own personal recovery, healing and growth. I am four + years permanently separated from wasband. He continued on with his bad habits after we separated so this showed me he had no interest in making his own life better. Why would I want to be with someone like that? I don't. This is your heartache - your rules, no-one can tell you what to do. But please keep your heart safe. It needs time to register the shock, the betrayal, the sadness, the grief... and this takes time. Then you need to give yourself time to heal and then work on your own self-growth. How long will this take? as long as it needs to. If you become stuck in pain and heartbreak, well, you become stuck. This is why it is so important to do things for you, for yourself. Take walks in nature. Eat well, don't drink alcohol. Go to museums or join a walking group. Whatever interests you have, seek out a community group and participate. Volunteer somewhere. Are you feeling you weren't enough for him? hmmmph. YOU are enough for YOU!! treasure yourself and this one precious life you have. I still get images from time-to-time, of wasband cheating. For the first year after D-Day I couldn't listen to music without crying, why? because I imagined him hearing the same song with his mistress(es), online sex-person, whoever....but when I get random thoughts of him and what he did, I think to myself that he had huge problems and I had nothing to do with them, and that I am taking care of myself in the best way I know how and he is off with his flavour-of-the-month which still stings a bit, even though we are separated. About a year ago he told me he still loves me. I think of Tina Turner, 'What's love got to do with it?' For our entire marriage he thought it was ok to cheat/lie/steal. He knew it was wrong but did it anyway. I found out the hard way after 15 years. I could not think of the invested 15 years of my Life as a reason to keep him in my life; he was never fully committed to me. I had to let my investment go since future investment looked extemely detrimental to my mental health and well-being. You need to ask yourself what you are willing to accept, what you can live with and why. I hope you are well and are moving through these tough times. Be well :-)
DeleteTake your time. your healing, your timeline. At one point I heard the 'But you were ambiguous!' Really? these guys will say anything to avoid our anger.
ReplyDelete"If I hadn't lied about it you would have ended it with me and you would never have had these beautiful children we created."
ReplyDeleteOk so, um, thank you??
Man, I hear that right now.
DeleteI have a good one!
ReplyDeleteHusband: One time I forgot to take my wedding ring off and when I noticed it really bothered me.
Me: What?????? oh so it didn’t bother you, you were married and screwing another woman, just the reminder you were married and screwing another woman? Makes sense to me (eye roll).
By the way, I took the ring away. It was never intended to be taken off and on for the purpose of infidelity.
The shit that comes out of them. These are a few I got handed. 1] You were ambiguous about Porn. we had a hard and fast rule, NO PORN! How is this abiguous? 2] I didn't think about what I was doing. That's because if he did, he would have felt "bad". Aww no happy ending when guilt rears its ugly head. There is more. Just what worm has eaten our H's brain?
ReplyDeleteAs to all the TLC, gifts, attention, heartfelt notes, poetic wisdom: “It was a game; I was proving I could be a good man”
ReplyDeleteIn response to was she worth it? “I was never thinking of losing our marriage or hurting you or our kids; it was never about me wanting to get out of our marriage”
As to why the bazillion texts: “All we talked about was how how hard it is to measure up to high standards”
As to why he didn’t end it when I found out: “She started it, I was going to end it but she was in such a dark place and I tried to let it end gently”
As to if this was a Godly man’s action “well, God would want you to show me mercy”
I am an escort and I have seen married men, time and time again. I wish they'd at least take off their wedding rings. There's no being able to tell (prior to the booking) if he's married or not, but it always breaks my heart a little when I find out. It's damaged my perception of men, though I do try to remain positive. I hear so many excuses - some that have been mentioned here in the comments. I'm here to tell you that unless these men are caught, they will continue to do what they're doing. They've only stopped now because you found out about it. Think about that. Please don't allow them the opportunity to stay in your life. They end up going steady for a few years, and then seeing girls like me again. My biggest wish is that all of you, beautiful women, will remove the cheating man from your life and find someone else who would never dream of doing this to you. Easier said than done, I know, but my heart is with all of you. Please don't give them another chance.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite - after a "business" trip
ReplyDelete"I don't know why there's a long, black hair in my hairbrush. GASP! Do you think the maid used my hairbrush?"
omg these ridiculous pathetic excuses and lies these cheaters toss about!! I found (her) long hair in the shower, in the bed sheets, even under a lamp....I called him out on it (she was renting our duplex next door, yep, he moved her in, I didn't know about their affair)...H: "She's crazy, I swear she sneaks in our house and plants her hair everywhere!"
DeleteMe: Did you go looking for this?
ReplyDeleteHim: I didn't go looking for this. It just happened.
Me: Huh? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? You're a grown man and you didn't see this coming?
Him: Blank stare...
Perhaps you wouldn't have a broken heart if you found a different profession?
ReplyDeleteWhen I found out the SECOND time (same woman, 6 years on) I told him to go and live with her for 6 months to get her out of his system and he told me he could never bear to live with her.
ReplyDeleteHe has been going to counselling and last week he told me he had been working on forgiveness - for himself for not spending time with his children, and for me for causing all the mess of the situation in the first place: he has steadily maintained that the reason he started the affair was because I 'neglected' him.
Did I mention he spent many years travelling for work, and 3 years on a contract in another country, but I neglected HIM?
And yes, when I confronted him and walked away, the first thing he did was to go to his phone to contact her.
But this is the best: he actually started the affair because his Ho-Worker approached him and asked her to help her because she had had a hysterectomy and her hormones were jumping all over the place and her husband wasn't interested. What a kind, helpful person my husband is...
I am trying to rebuild this relationship but don't hold out much hope.
"We were really separating already. You just had me caught before I could have ended things with her. It was just a fling." Yeah right, ending things my *@*@* when there messages few minutes before D-Time was "cannot wait to see you!" And a fling? A fling woudn't last one year with constant i love yous and million sweet messages every single day and who knows what else.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of gems I've heard , one year from D-Day
ReplyDelete"We were just friends with benefits"
"It was only every 6 or 7 weeks , what's the big deal" ( it went on for 4 years)
"You need to get over this"
My husband told me his AP has a lot of respect for me. Yes he actually said that to me
ReplyDeleteThat is rich. The stupid shit. I've heard a boatload of it.
DeleteMy husband once told me that we ( his howorker that he was banging in her husbands bed at lunchtime ) had a lot in common and I would really like her..
DeleteThe ow--who was a "friend" and who was at my birthday party and my son's graduation wrote me an apology in which she said, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I just didn't particularly see you as my concern." My husband then said, "She's not a bad person. She just did a bad thing." Right.
ReplyDeleteMy husband traveled to Cuba for his affair and before leaving he was checking his rum inventory so he would know what to buy for duty free except he could not find his rum and angrily asked me "Did you have a man in here drinking my rum?" I was in shock that he would accuse me of such a thing but it was OK for him to travel to another country to have sex with a prostitute that was 32 years younger than him. (At the time, he did not know she was a prostitute).
ReplyDeleteMy husband pressured me to do our joint income tax because as his spouse we could pension split and he would get a larger refund. We were preparing for a trip that had been booked before his first encounter with a Cuban prostitute. I was very busy with my job and with packing for the trip and I was delaying doing it. He was getting annoyed with me that I was not doing it said in a very strong demanding voice "I want that money by the time we get back!" I felt very uncomfortable with his demands and, of course, it was me, not him, who had to find time to do it. I finally put everything side to get it done, not for him, but for me so he would leave me alone and yes, the money was in the bank account by the time we got back. I did not know it at the time but he wanted that money to pay, not for his next trip to Cuba that he took about a month after the return of our trip, but for a trip to Cuba that he was planning to take 5 months after that one. The pension splitting is only possible if you have a spouse, so I feel like I paid for the trip for him to cheat on me or at least I helped to minimize the financial impact on him.
ReplyDelete