Sex & Intimacy After Betrayal Part 2 (Part 1 is full)

9 comments:

  1. I just found this site today and so glad I did!

    It's been a month since Dday and I'm still so fragile. Our sex life had some serious problems after we moved in together 4.5 years ago and we fought about it constantly. Now that I've found out he's been messaging girls online and replying to and posting his own Craigslist and Kijiji ads looking for BJ's and visiting erotic massage parlors for the past 5 YEARS, I can't stand the sight of him let alone his touch. He was doing all this while we were planning our wedding, a week after we got married, while we were trying to conceive and even after we found out I was pregnant.

    I've decided for the time being to stay and he's been pretty good about reconciling - we're currently in counseling together and separately. Even though it's been a month, I've only begun to sleep in the same bed with him, of corse with no touching.

    He tried to give me a massage the other day because I was really tense but after a minute or so I couldn't stand him touching me anymore. how long did it take for you to become intimate with your husband again? I'm trying baby steps, like hugging after we have a productive talk but that's as far as I can get at the moment.

    He said he will patiently wait for whenever I'm ready but I don't think he realizes just how long that might be. To make matters worse, I'm 12 weeks pregnant and horny beyond belief - it's the most frustrating thing to be yearning to have sex with him but then realize how much he disgusts me and how hurt I actually am.

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    1. Leens,
      Is your husband in any sort of treatment for sex addiction or intimacy disorders? It sounds as though he has likely struggled for years with healthy intimacy and needs to know what that looks like/feels like. In the meantime, you can focus on your healing from this and determining whether or not you want to rebuild your marriage. I'm so sorry -- to be dealing with this as well as a pregnancy. But please know, you will get through this. I'm glad you found us.

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  2. Will I ever be able to have sex without thinking of the other woman? Our sex life was always good and plentiful. Sex w her, he said was “awkward “. But he kept it up for 4 months. Now that we’re reconciling, our sex life is still very active, but I just can’t get her out of my mind. Any suggestions??? Thanks

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    1. suesaris, sometimes right after finding out and while working through reconciling, couples go through what is known as hysterical bonding. Your bond was threatened and so you both are using sex in a totally legitimate way to reconnect. JUst be aware that after the hysterical bonding wears off, some betrayed partners stop feeling like being intimate with partners because the reality of the pain and hurt set it.
      Specifically about how to get the OW out of your head. Of course those thoughts of them together are like a sneak attack when you are being vulnerable and intimate with your partner. You can try some of the mindfullness and thought interrupting techniques that are discussed elsewhere in the site. If you meditate, you can use the practice of labeling the thought and letting it rise and pass. So you can call it "Mind movies" and try to let the thought go. Some people picture a stop sign, to interrupt the thoughts with a powerful visual and mental no. One of the things that really worked for me, when my mind was running away with thinking about my partner having sex with the OW was to turn it into a slapstick comedy by making him fart enormously in the scene. It honestly becomes about as ridiculous and unsexy as you can image if your partner or the OW can't stop farting in the scene. It used to make me laugh out loud. And in the moment, so what, at least those thoughts are gone and now you are enjoying yourself. I hope that is some help!

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  3. I am 8 weeks and 5 days out from learning of my husbands affair. My D-date was 8/2. The first time we had sex was a week out on vacation with our kids. Yup I let him come on vacation. But I wanted everything to be “normal” for our kids. After going out and drinking a few jacks on the rocks, we fought and then back in the room I had angry sex with him. My therapist said I reclaimed him. But, after that, yes I was disgusted at the very sight of him. But, now I decided to work on our marriage. After he got a new job and is really working hard to show me he wants to work hard on us. The sex is incredibly hard and I am still so freaking horned too! Not fair that they he everything away. Changed my life completely. That’s how I feel. But what I found that works for me is saying the Lord’s Prayer during. I know sounds so incredibly weird. But I am a catholic woman and God gave us to each other and he gave us sex as a way to connect with our partner not only physically but spiritually. That’s the connection that he and I want to have. A beautiful spiritual connection. So maybe you can do something like this or find a positive pure quote? He actually is doing the same thing. I hope I helped you.

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    1. Anon 10/2 this is beautiful. Just know that being repulsed by and also completely horned up by our partners following dday. Especially as recent as you are. That reclaiming thing is a real, biological survival thing. Hopefully it helps to know that everything you are experiencing in this context is normal

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  4. I found out about my husband’s 7 month affair in March last year and he stopped seeing her straight away. He has had increasing issues with ED and PE over the years, which he would never discuss, and our sex life options narrowed to accommodate all of this. With her, however, he made the effort to buy and use viagra and consequently they did all sorts of things we’ve either never done or haven’t done for years.

    As a result I feel repulsed to even think about sex again with him. I feel like he gave all the effort and good stuff to her, and that I’m just a poor substitute that he couldn’t be bothered to sort himself out for.

    What do I do?

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    1. Bluevienna, StillStanding1 (below) has given you really good advice. And there's something I'd like to add that you might consider: Unfaithful men frequently chose women who don't matter to them because any potential rejection therefore doesn't hurt as much. Your husband's willingness to try things with this woman perhaps isn't because he cares MORE about her but because he cares LESS. He, perhaps, cares less that he might disappoint her, cares less that he might struggle with sex/intimacy. And that ability to care less might be exactly why he was able to perform differently. Any pressure (that he likely put in himself) was removed. Any shame was gone.
      Worth exploring, I think. In any case, I agree with SS1 below that you need to work hard to ensure you don't internalize this shame. There is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and have always been.

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  5. Bluevienna, I'm so sorry, how awful for you, all of it. I think given what went down, it is pretty normal to feel icked out by your husband right now. So first, be gentle with yourself and understand that this is not yours alone to fix.
    I think, from what you wrote "that I’m just a poor substitute that he couldn’t be bothered to sort himself out for" you are providing yourself and him with some important information. You're carrying around shame from your feelings of rejection and also possibly internalizing the shame you think he should feel for what he's done. And finally, this kind of hurt from our partner tends to bring up old wounds, your's might be the belief that you are not worth trying or working for. That you are not good enough. Does that ring true with you? I know a lot of the stuff that came up for me when dealing with my husband's (now ex) infidelity was because it confirmed my deep rooted belief that I was not good enough.
    Part 2 "What do I do?" I think the question to ask yourself is "What do I need?" and "What do I need from him?" and then talk to him about it. Are you two in therapy together? With a therapist who is qualified to help you navigate infidelity and sex & intimacy issues? not all therapists are trained to do this. It is super important that he be doing everything in his power to work on himself and also to make you feel safe, valued and to work to earn your trust back. You can't open up sexually to him, if he isn't creating a safe and nurturing place for you to do this in.
    Yes of course, its important that you tune into this together and you work on your own stuff too. But first things first, how is he working to address the damage he's done?

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