Sex & Intimacy After Betrayal Part 2 (Part 1 is full)

6 comments:

  1. I just found this site today and so glad I did!

    It's been a month since Dday and I'm still so fragile. Our sex life had some serious problems after we moved in together 4.5 years ago and we fought about it constantly. Now that I've found out he's been messaging girls online and replying to and posting his own Craigslist and Kijiji ads looking for BJ's and visiting erotic massage parlors for the past 5 YEARS, I can't stand the sight of him let alone his touch. He was doing all this while we were planning our wedding, a week after we got married, while we were trying to conceive and even after we found out I was pregnant.

    I've decided for the time being to stay and he's been pretty good about reconciling - we're currently in counseling together and separately. Even though it's been a month, I've only begun to sleep in the same bed with him, of corse with no touching.

    He tried to give me a massage the other day because I was really tense but after a minute or so I couldn't stand him touching me anymore. how long did it take for you to become intimate with your husband again? I'm trying baby steps, like hugging after we have a productive talk but that's as far as I can get at the moment.

    He said he will patiently wait for whenever I'm ready but I don't think he realizes just how long that might be. To make matters worse, I'm 12 weeks pregnant and horny beyond belief - it's the most frustrating thing to be yearning to have sex with him but then realize how much he disgusts me and how hurt I actually am.

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    1. Leens,
      Is your husband in any sort of treatment for sex addiction or intimacy disorders? It sounds as though he has likely struggled for years with healthy intimacy and needs to know what that looks like/feels like. In the meantime, you can focus on your healing from this and determining whether or not you want to rebuild your marriage. I'm so sorry -- to be dealing with this as well as a pregnancy. But please know, you will get through this. I'm glad you found us.

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  2. Will I ever be able to have sex without thinking of the other woman? Our sex life was always good and plentiful. Sex w her, he said was “awkward “. But he kept it up for 4 months. Now that we’re reconciling, our sex life is still very active, but I just can’t get her out of my mind. Any suggestions??? Thanks

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    1. suesaris, sometimes right after finding out and while working through reconciling, couples go through what is known as hysterical bonding. Your bond was threatened and so you both are using sex in a totally legitimate way to reconnect. JUst be aware that after the hysterical bonding wears off, some betrayed partners stop feeling like being intimate with partners because the reality of the pain and hurt set it.
      Specifically about how to get the OW out of your head. Of course those thoughts of them together are like a sneak attack when you are being vulnerable and intimate with your partner. You can try some of the mindfullness and thought interrupting techniques that are discussed elsewhere in the site. If you meditate, you can use the practice of labeling the thought and letting it rise and pass. So you can call it "Mind movies" and try to let the thought go. Some people picture a stop sign, to interrupt the thoughts with a powerful visual and mental no. One of the things that really worked for me, when my mind was running away with thinking about my partner having sex with the OW was to turn it into a slapstick comedy by making him fart enormously in the scene. It honestly becomes about as ridiculous and unsexy as you can image if your partner or the OW can't stop farting in the scene. It used to make me laugh out loud. And in the moment, so what, at least those thoughts are gone and now you are enjoying yourself. I hope that is some help!

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  3. I am 8 weeks and 5 days out from learning of my husbands affair. My D-date was 8/2. The first time we had sex was a week out on vacation with our kids. Yup I let him come on vacation. But I wanted everything to be “normal” for our kids. After going out and drinking a few jacks on the rocks, we fought and then back in the room I had angry sex with him. My therapist said I reclaimed him. But, after that, yes I was disgusted at the very sight of him. But, now I decided to work on our marriage. After he got a new job and is really working hard to show me he wants to work hard on us. The sex is incredibly hard and I am still so freaking horned too! Not fair that they he everything away. Changed my life completely. That’s how I feel. But what I found that works for me is saying the Lord’s Prayer during. I know sounds so incredibly weird. But I am a catholic woman and God gave us to each other and he gave us sex as a way to connect with our partner not only physically but spiritually. That’s the connection that he and I want to have. A beautiful spiritual connection. So maybe you can do something like this or find a positive pure quote? He actually is doing the same thing. I hope I helped you.

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    1. Anon 10/2 this is beautiful. Just know that being repulsed by and also completely horned up by our partners following dday. Especially as recent as you are. That reclaiming thing is a real, biological survival thing. Hopefully it helps to know that everything you are experiencing in this context is normal

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