What's the difference between private and secret?

What's the deal with counsellors who say that unfaithful partners are entitled to "privacy"? To have a bowel movement, yes. To use the phone/computer/etc they used to cheat? No way. I'm not advocating for a police state but I do think there needs to be transparency.
@elletomany

I tweeted that a couple of weeks ago. Responses to it ranged from hell yeah to yeah but to I don't know about this...
I get it. It's confusing. If we've been in a relatively grown-up relationship – by which I mean we haven't made a habit of monitoring our partner's whereabouts or communication – the "total transparency" so many of us talk about with regards to healing can feel weird. Factor in that our heads are spinning, we're terrified/anxious/agonized, and there's not a hard-and-fast rule book for surviving infidelity (though Encyclopedia for the Betrayed is the closest I could create), and it's no wonder we're stymied by what's reasonable to expect from our partners in the wake of their infidelity.
Though lots of us could care less about reasonable. We want to chain our unfaithful partners, take away their phones and computers, and, in some cases, castrate them.
But, in the interest of keeping ourselves out of prison and rebuilding a healthy relationship, let's let "reasonable" be our guide.
To start, let's consider the difference between secrecy and privacy.
Privacy is information that isn't harmful to your partner's health/well-being but that you don't necessary want to share except with the intended recipient. For instance, texting your best friend about your husband's apparent inability to wash dishes.
Secrecy is something that is harmful to your partner's health/well-being.
Where things get muddy is where partners draw the line. For one person, watching porn is private whereas for another, it's secret. It comes down to: If my partner knew I was doing this/communicating this, would he/she be okay with it? If the answer is no, you're keeping it secret. If the answer is yes, it's private. To muddy the waters further, some partners choose to plead ignorance about their partner's response. As in, "I didn't think it would bother you." "I figured you'd be okay with it." When pressed, however, most of us, if we know our partners, know roughly where the line is drawn. And if we don't know, then it's time to ask clearly and, if appropriate, negotiate. Let's take porn again. Your partner sees it as betrayal. You see it as harmless fun. In a healthy relationship, you might discuss how it affects your relationship and reach a compromise.
What happens post-betrayal is that behaviour we thought was fine – lunch with a work colleague, for instance – becomes fraught. When I believed my husband would never cheat on me, it didn't bother me in the least that he sometimes had lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex. After D-Day? No way. My heartbreak, my rules. If he were to violate that, it's secrecy. He knows it's harmful to me and our relationship.
We opt for secrecy to avoid negative consequences. How many of us are told by our partners, when we ask for details, that it's for our good that he doesn't tell us. It would hurt us, we're told.
Yeah, it probably would. But the problem here isn't that the information would hurt us, it's that his behaviour has hurt us. The emphasis is being put on the wrong thing. Only when he has come clean about his behaviour – as much of it as we choose to know – can we start over with a clean slate and a clear understanding of what is and is not acceptable within our relationship. He doesn't get to claim "privacy" when what he's doing is protecting himself from the consequences of bad behaviour. That's not private. It's secret.
The rules, of course, can – and likely should – change with time. In the months following D-Day, my husband no longer went out for a beer or two after hockey. If he wasn't at work, he was at home. My pain required it. Now? My needs are different. He is entitled to privacy. I don't need to know every conversation. I don't check his phone (though I reserve the right to do so, if I feel something's not right). I trust him. Not 100% but enough.
Who wants to live in a police state? Over the long term, that feeds your anxiety, rather than assuaging it.
It's a tired theme but communication is your best tool to address the pain of betrayal and to heal from it. Communication will help you work through what's private versus what's secret. Talk about what you need in the wake of D-Day and continue to talk as those needs evolve. Secrets are toxic no matter who's holding them.

What's the deal with counsellors who say that unfaithful partners are entitled to "privacy"? To have a bowel movement, yes. To use the phone/computer/etc they used to cheat? No way. I'm not advocating for a police state but I do think there needs to be transparency.

He Cheated, I Stayed. Now What?

He cheated on you. Maybe you found out via an errant text message. Maybe you got a phone call from his recently dumped OW. Maybe that nagging fear finally coaxed you to check his e-mails or his texts and – whoa! – guess what you found. Or maybe, like me, you asked. And he answered.

I was in a state of shock when I finally confronted my husband and got the answer I sorta kinda expected but was desperately hoping I wouldn't get. 

And in my state of shock was one looming question: Now what?

What was I supposed to do with the knowledge that my husband had cheated on me? What was I supposed to tell my children, if anything? Where was I supposed to go? 

There is no playbook for betrayed wives (though Encyclopedia for the Betrayed is my best attempt to give you 182 pages of playbook). On soap operas and in bad movies and in country songs, the cheated wife responds with fury. She dumps his belongings in to a pile onto which she pours gasoline and tosses a lit match. Or she slashes his tires. Or she confronts the Other Woman, leaving her with no question about who truly rules.

It all seems so satisfying. 

And then, we imagine, the betrayed wife walks into her future on kickass stiletto heels. Often there's a handsome new guy waiting for her. Insert eyeroll here, amirite? 

We're rarely offered the image of a woman shattered, in a ratty bathrobe and staring into space. Awake a 3 a.m., eyes red from crying, wondering, again, 'why?'. Desperate to leave but paralyzed. Desperate to stay but for what?

I couldn't sit still. I walked my house like a ghost, heavy with chains of dread. And through it all – the weeks of fury, the months of sadness – hung a question: Now what?
What did I want?
What did I need?
How could I be sure?
What if it happens again?
How did I miss it?
And, of course, that perennial Why? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why?
I can't answer your questions. Only you can. And, likely, only with time.
But I can tell you how I found my own answer to Now what?
It began when I finally quieted that voice in my head that screamed like my mother on a bender and rediscovered what Glennon Doyle calls "the Knowing". That deep voice that put me on solid ground, the one that said "you are not what happened to you", the one that promised me I had a well of strength to get through this. But perhaps the most important thing that deep voice told me was that "now what?" wasn't permanent. That it was okay to not know what was next, that I could take my time to process this pain before reacting to it. And, in fact, if I took that time, I wouldn't so much react as respond. I could plan. I could choose.
We forget that, don't we? That we have a choice. We're often so humiliated and crippled by betrayal that we feel stripped of any power we might have. But, as I was reminded on Twitter the other day, when our husbands are asking us for a second chance – whether explicitly or by assumption – we have the most power. Not to change them. That's always on them. But to insist upon what we want. That is not, of course, to say that we will get exactly what we want. They might choose the OW. They might choose to leave. But by treating ourselves with respect, by demanding to be treated by them with respect, we can't lose. We might lose them, sure. But is it really a loss to no longer have a cheater who doesn't respect you in your life? You might not see it now, but that sounds like a win to me. 
Doyle puts it this way: "I can't imagine a greater tragedy than remaining forever unknown to myself. That would be the ultimate self-abandonment. So I have become unafraid of my own feelings."
Your feelings are your guide. They are prophets, pointing the way forward. Sit with them. You will not drown. Pay attention to them. Learn to discern your deep-down voice from the noise of the critics. You know the ones – that tell you what you "should" do, how you "should" feel. There is no "should", there is only you and what you want in service of your self-respect. 
You have been betrayed by the person you must trusted. But perhaps that was our first mistake. The first person we should always trust is ourself. Don't betray her again. 

How to Start Your Own Infidelity Support Group

At the BWC retreat in September, I had the great fortune of meeting LilyLove in person. And I was delighted to learn from her that she was planning a Betrayed Wives Club support group in her city. She bought a whole bunch of Encyclopedia for the Betrayed books to use as a resource, put out word and organized.
It's a work in progress, she reported not long ago. A couple of women showed up the first meeting and again the second. LilyLove dispensed hard-won advice, which she told me was really helpful to one of the women, which made her feel good. She plans to continue, anticipating a group that will grow with time and continued outreach.
I I love the idea of local support groups and really admire what LilyLove is doing. If a support group had existed in my city, I would have gone (I might also have never created BWC though so...). I attended a Partners of Sex Addicts group but it felt disorganized and lacking in leadership and fell apart shortly after.
So as I cheer on LilyLove from afar, I reached out for advice from a Twitter friend who's been running a support group for a while. I invited her to share her advice here for anyone else who'd like to create one. 

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Starting a Support Group

by Hil Barry

Where two or more are gathered you can create support. My first Hope and Healing meeting began with myself, my co-leader and one participant. We met every week with the belief that if we kept showing up, women would find us. We were a small group of three to four women for two months. Then ladies started to find us. Some women stayed for years and others came for weeks or months to get through the early pain and loneliness. 

Our meetings are focused on God’s healing power, but it is the community of women combined with a good book that helps move the ladies toward acceptance and healing. Although I needed God to heal, being in community with women who understood my pain, was key. 

One of the most important things in our meetings is that we do not get stuck in negative discussions about our husbands. We each write a single anger letter that we share with the group once and then we move on. The books help us focus on the important aspects of healing. 

My husband also leads a group for the men. We talked our church into letting us do it there. I told the women about it. Met them at Celebrate Recovery. Our church put flyers in the lobby. Getting the word out is the hardest part. It's been 2 1/2 years. Since my husband needs his group to stay sober, I'll probably be in it for a good while. I lead most of the time but I also have co-leaders. I try to move women up into leadership. 
No coffee yuck. But that would work as a job. I have had ladies bring music to start the meeting, greeter, bible sharing. Did have to report a husband using child porn to the police. We use a timer for our three-minute check in (so that no one person can monopolize the conversation). We don't necessarily stop when the timer goes off but we are more aware of the time.

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Me again: If you're interested in starting a support group, please let me know if there's any way I can help. I'm happy to help or even do a Skype call with the group of whatever else might work. If I learn about enough groups, I'll begin listing them on this site so that women coming here might find something close to them.

Kudos to the work that you women do to lift others up. Every single day, I'm humbled by the kindness here. 

Introducing...

Check out the right margin and you'll see our new Betrayed Wives Club emblem, thanks to StillStanding1, who brought her talent and her love for this site and all of you to the task. She nailed it with her beautiful woman, rooted deeply but reaching for healing. Encircled by the women she is and the others who support her.

You'll also notice that I've linked to Encyclopedia for the Betrayed: Your A - Z Survival Guide for Anyone Who's Ever Been Lied To, Cheated On and Left for Dead. I am so grateful to the women who've ordered the book and those who wrote heartfelt and heartwarming reviews on Amazon. I aim to get this book into the hands of every woman desperate for a voice of calm and wisdom as she deals with the pain of betrayal. Just like I was. Just like you were. Let's make it happen.

xo