One of the many challenges we face as a betrayed wife (or
partner) is around trust. How can we trust him again? Who can we trust with ourstories? Will I ever trust anyone again? Will I be able to trust my own judgment?
I was recently in a two-day Brené Brown - Dare to Lead, intensive workshop
facilitated by a certified Daring Way coach. We spent a lot of time on trust.
How to build it, how to lose it, how to recognize it when it is there. We
listened to the story
of Brené’s daughter losing trust in
her best friends and her deciding to never trust anyone again, ever. Brené uses
the analogy of a marble jar to help her daughter understand how trust is built.
As people share stories about themselves, engage in small, everyday acts of
empathy, or show up for real when you need them, marbles are added to their jar.
The more stories they share, and show up, the more marbles you are able to add
to their jar. It is easy to trust someone whose jar is overflowing. Your marble
jar people aren’t necessarily people who are in your life all day, every day,
but over time, with small acts, they’ve filled up their marble jar. And if you
think about it, you know who those people are. There may not be a lot of them,
but I think that’s appropriate. Trust is earned.
When you are going through hell, you only need one marble
jar person. That one person will hear your story without judgement and will
ask, what do you need? how can I help? And if you listen to your body, you
already know who your marble jar person is. You’ll feel a yes. You’ll feel
relief when you think about sharing with them and being in their presence. You
will likewise have friends, who are your day-to-day besties or even close
family but whom you also know, for whatever reason, do not have a full marble
jar. You’ll get a no from your body on them too. You’ll feel resistance or anxiety
when you think through sharing your story. And that resistance may be because
of the ways they haven’t showed up for you in the past. Think carefully about
your people and see if you can identify one marble jar person. Sharing with them can make a huge difference
in your journey back to trust.
Now think about our partners. They’ve managed to empty the marble
jar in one go. And we wonder, as betrayed wives, why we can’t trust them
again completely right now, as if trusting them was somehow on us. It’s not. Of
course, you don’t trust your partner in the way you did before. The jar is
empty and it is not your job to fill it for them. They must make the effort to
put the marbles back in the jar. And this is where shit gets real and
difficult. Because refilling that marble jar is a function of time and consistency.
Is he doing the hard work of figuring out his own stuff, consistently, over time?
Plonk, in goes a marble. Is he showing up for and holding space for your pain,
consistently, over time? Plonk, in goes a marble. Is he making an effort to let
you know where and when he’ll be and checking in, consistently, over time?
Plonk, in goes a marble. Is he being trustworthy, consistently, over time?
Plonk, marble. (The marbles are going to plonk for a long time because that
jar is big and really empty.) You don’t suddenly arrive at trust, just like you
don’t suddenly arrive at forgiveness or “over it.” It all takes time, that four-letter word. Elle tells us that her
trust for her husband came back over time because he consistently showed up
and did the hard work that refilled the marble jar. You can take as much time
as you need, and you’ll know, eventually, whether he’s making the effort to
fill the jar or not.
Now think about you. Learning
to trust yourself is a bit harder. This
may require the help of a coach or therapist because sometimes we need an
outside perspective to remind us to be gentle with yourself and to help us dig
in to the old stuff that keeps us stuck. Learning to trust what we know begins
by being gentle with ourselves, by tuning in to the way we talk to ourselves
about ourselves. Are we going to trust someone whose words are harsh and full
of judgement? Probably not, even or especially if that person is us. We can build trust in ourselves by tuning into
our bodies and learning to trust what t tells us. Are you hungry? Eat. Are you tired? Sit down,
lay down, take a break. Restless, mind
whirring? Journal, go for a walk. But start giving yourself what you need, and
you’ll start filling your own marble jar too. This also takes time, practice and consistently
showing up for yourself.
For more resources and reading, please consider visiting https://brenebrown.com/ . Her work is both accessible
and life changing. It’s a great first step in reconnecting with yourself and
learning about how love and trust are inextricably linked.
I love this post. The marble-in-the-jar imagery is exactly what I used with my husband and he really got it. Thank goodness for Brené Brown and her work. StillStanding, I'd love to hear more about the workshop, if you have any interest in sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Chinook, i'm happy to share about the program, but it is so hard to even describe what happened. We were led through exercises in a really well put together workbook. Before each exercise, there were videos of Brene, talking about each thing, which really helped make it clear and actionable. And of course, there's a lot of Brene's natural humor in there which keeps everything from getting too, too heavy. It was, however, still really intensive. If you've ever been to another country and have had to spend the day communicating in another language, you know you are exhausted at the end of the day because your brain is working so hard. This is what it was like after both days of the program. I had plans which I cancelled. I needed to just sit and process and most of all, just eat and rest. I cleared the Monday after because I was still just needing to recover and did things that required minimal brain work. Not because it was "bad" or "too much" but much in the same way you need to recover after a marathon. even though this program is about leadership and business universe stuff, you can't show up authentically without bringing your stuff with you. So there was still a significant portion of owning and rumbling with stories. One powerful exercise on the second day was writing our own "I Am" poem. I'd love to figure out a way to do that here, as a post, where folks can participate by posting their own poem in the comments. Still trying to figure that out. Not sure it translates but this group is special. And owning our stories in front of folks who are willing to see you without judgement is pretty powerful.
DeleteInterestingly, I was in the middle of Brené's book, Braving the Wilderness, when D-day hit. A few days later I returned to my audio book, after only a few minutes I was so mad at her and had to turn it off. Yes, we all have shame. Yes, we should see past other's shame. But, please! I was in no space to see past his.
ReplyDeleteOf course I was, and still am, really hurting. I know her message is a great one and I agree with it, but I was not in the head space to hear it. It might be time to try it again... but, then again, not sure I am ready.
I remember the marble jar story from another book. I appreciate the reminder. I do have a marble jar person, she is the one and only person I felt safe in sharing my story, and I am sure that she will honor it. Great post.
beyond frazzled, it makes so much sense that in the midst of d-day it was hard to hear what Brene was saying in Braving the Wilderness. It would be an unusually zen person who could, in the midst of all that pain, shock, horror be able to look at the source with anything like the softness required to accept that everyone is really doing their best, even if their best has caused us harm. Ouch. Some of her earlier books might be easier places to start. They are a lot more about our own inner work and self reflective vs applying the principles to others in our lives.
DeleteAnd knowing you've got at least one marble jar person can be a lifeline when you are going through hell. It's important to know and remember that we are not alone. xoxo
I also love this post. The marble jar explanation makes perfect sense.
ReplyDeleteGlad it helped Phoenix T :)
DeleteI didn't think of the problem of not being able to trust/forgiveness that way. It makes sense to me. Maybe I'm not THAT stuck after all, it just takes more time than I wished. Two years and a half down the road it still hurts and it's hard not to be bitter and enjoy the good times I share with my wife. Our relationship is going better than it used to but it's hard to seperate the present moment with her past actions.
ReplyDeleteHazaard, I think a lot of us, in this kind of situation start with blaming ourselves for what went wrong and then rush to also take responsibility when we feel we are not healing fast enough. Chances are you are not as stuck as you thought you were. Chances are you are doing really well, given what a traumatic thing you've experienced. I think it may be important that you and your wife figure out how to work together through those times when the pain comes up. I think it is pretty normal that a nice time, something that makes us feel momentarily happy, will be followed by bitterness and a feeling that the present is colored by the past. That is your brain protecting itself from further harm, by reminding you about the risks. When that happens, you can notice it and then try not to get sucked in by that story. Are things good right now? Is your wife showing up for you now? Is she doing the work and showing you that she deserves the second chance you are giving her? Hopefully, there were a lot of yeses. And don't forget, it all takes time and effort. 2.5 yrs is not long in terms of trauma recovery. Most estimates are that it can take 5 or more. Yikes, right?
DeleteYou are doing great Hazaard, I'm so glad you posted.
The marble jar is a great example for many of us. I didn't find out about my husbands secret life until I had been married 36 years and was well over age 60. Given the depth of his disclosure and the number of years I was lied to, cheated on and manipulated, there simply is not enough time left for him to fill my marble jar. He is adding marbles on a regular basis, often after I've pointed out to him that his attitude and tone of voice towards me about something completely unrelated to me is inappropriate and out of line. It has become clear to me as the time from D-day passes (June 2015 for anyone new) that I accepted his verbal and emotional abuse even though I did not recognize it as such for much of our marriage. Now, I listen to his rant and quickly point out that whatever it was he was ranting about was not my fault. I have a certain tone of voice now that is like an early warning system for him. When he hears that tone, he backs off and says something like, "I was just venting. I know it wasn't/isn't your fault." When that happens, I put a marble in my own jar. I have to keep doing that. I keep showing up for me. I'm not going to take his shit, excuses or explanations anymore. My life has become so much more peaceful since I started speaking up and pointing out things like this. I truly believe that it shocks him when I do this because he has done this for 40+ years so it is a hard pattern to break. I will continue to collect marbles for myself. If he likes my jar, he will stick around. I think we are doing pretty well at this point. He knows that he is still on thin ice in my book but he tells me he is on solid ground in his book. He continues to do things that add marbles to my jar too and this has made my life much easier and his too. I try not to look back because I am not going that way. There was a recent meme on FB that read, "I had my heart broken but my vision was restored". Wow, did that ever resonate with me. Hang in there everyone until you are ready to move forward. Oh, and Carol the first, love you and Jenna too.
ReplyDeleteBeach Girl, when I read this I wanted to jump out of my seat and cheer. What you're describing is EXACTLY what I've been feeling this past year but haven't been able to find words for: the experience of marbles being added back into my own jar. Every time I trust and honour myself in any aspect of life -- not just in relation to my husband -- another marble appears.
DeleteAnd whatever happens in my relationship with him -- whether we have a new marriage together or whether we take different paths -- I get to keep this ever-filling jar of marbles in me; this expanding reserve of self-trust and self-love and pride in myself.
Excellent post. Like Beach Girl, given the length (13 years) and commitment of my husband's long-term affair and our ages (we're both in our 70's now), there is not enough time left for my husband to fill my marble jar. I too expect to be treated with respect now. I will no longer accept put-downs or attitude in any way. I have no idea why I ever did! So I speak up for myself and yes, it shakes my husband up, too. But, you know what, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. My husband is much kinder now and his thoughtful gestures do add marbles to my jar. I must focus on not looking back, as Beach Girl reminds us, because "I am not going that way". And boy, has this heartbreak ever "restored" my vision - love that quote BG and you, too. Hugs!
DeleteBeach Girl! I think the work you are doing to fill your own marble jar is incredible and frankly, the hardest part of the trust equation. Learning to trust ourselves requires that we value ourselves, recognize that we can have insights, and that we know what is best for ourselves. But there is a lot of cultural and familial conditioning that teaches us otherwise, to doubt what we know, to not listen to out guts, to not speak up when something feels wrong. You are turning it all on it' head and trusting what you know over and over. It's a lifelong practice.
DeleteAnd sidebar "I was just venting" is a lame assed excuse for "I could not handle my emotions, so I spewed them at you rather than taking responsibility for my actions and feelings." "I was just venting" to me, carries with it some expectation that you should be able to listen and not take it personally and/or in some other way take it in. Like I'm going to turn on this fire hose, which, by the way, is going to spray shit, not water, and you just need to sit there and take it because it's not about you." That's a big old nope. But I'm glad you challenge him on that and he can at least acknowledge that whatever it was, it was not your fault.
xoxo
SS1, wow. Did I ever need you as my "cultural interpreter" here because I never thought about what you said regarding what my husband said. "And sidebar "I was just venting" is a lame assed excuse for "I could not handle my emotions, so I spewed them at you rather than taking responsibility for my actions and feelings." "I was just venting" to me, carries with it some expectation that you should be able to listen and not take it personally and/or in some other way take it in. Like I'm going to turn on this fire hose, which, by the way, is going to spray shit, not water, and you just need to sit there and take it because it's not about you." Holy cow girlfriend thanks for opening my eyes. You are correct! My husband never learned to handle his emotions and has "vented" to me since day 1. Early on I was much better at calling him out but as the children came and life happened I just shut up because I was busy. Anyway, wow. I'll be waiting patiently for the next time it happens so I can tell him he has the ability to better moderate his emotions around frustrations that do not include "venting" to me. Big hugs for that insight.
DeleteXOXO Beach Girl, glad it was a help. It's one of the things that has come through in therapy as I continue to learn about having and holding boundaries. It means that I also try to take a pause before venting myself and ask questions - like is this OK/appropriate for me to share with this person? What is my purpose in venting? etc. So for example, I don't ever "vent" to my kids about my ex, or join in when they are doing so, despite the great temptation and comfort it might be to me, because it is not my kids job to manage or hold my feelings about my ex. It is mine, so I call my sister or post here or talk to a friend who doesn't know my ex. Similar to friends, if I have a beef with a friend I don't vent about it in that friend circle. I either have to be courageous and talk to them directly or if I opt not to do that, talk to my therapist about it, or with someone else who is neutral, trustworthy and does not know the person. but the closer someone is to our inner circle, the more likely we are to offload our spleen at them because, I suppose, they are safe in some way. But I've come to realize that these are the folks I should be most mindful of. Not that I'm not being real or not sharing, but that my feelings and frustrations are mine to handle and not theirs.
DeleteI'm new to this whole experience as a married couple so the pain feels unbearable right now. I love the marble jar concept. Tomorrow is our first appointment with the marriage counselor which was his idea so I'm adding a marble.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get through whichever way is best for your being. Do what’s best for you. You have all the right at this point, don’t let him make you feel at fault for nothing. It was his choice. Stay strong!
Delete