Sunday, August 1, 2010

Cycling Through the Pain

The thing about being deeply wounded is that, just when you think you've healed, that it's safe to remove the band-aids you've relied on to keep the wound from getting infected, something occurs, or a memory is triggered...and suddenly you're right back where you were. Struggling for air and drowning in despair.
I should know.
It has been more than three years. In that time, I've gone from living minute-to-minute, to day-to-day, to week-to-week.
And yet, one thoughtless comment from my husband (husband for the time being. I'm thinking of putting a divorce lawyer on speed dial...) and I'm right back at D-Day. Feeling blind-sided. And wondering whether I'm going to survive the blow.
Admittedly, some days I'm more fragile than others. I'm missing my mom a lot lately, who died shortly after D-Day and who had always been my greatest supporter.
I'm feeling somewhat adrift in my career. I'm coping with kids who are growing increasingly independent...and hormonal.
So even without the backdrop of a marriage marked by betrayal, I might be feeling somewhat vulnerable.
But it doesn't take much to re-open the gaping wound. A thoughtless comment. A movie in which infidelity is romanticized. Song lyrics. My husband's eyes lingering a bit too long on another woman. A friend's shiny new boyfriend...which only makes my fixer-upper seem all the less appealing.
I try and remind myself that life is like this. That healing (nor life) is not a straight trajectory to bliss. That we go round and round, sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly somewhere in between.


  1. I have good days and bad days, too. It's weired what will trigger my bad moments!

    A little off topic, but my cheating husband just went to a funeral of an old high school friend this week. He was 51, on his 2nd marriage and had a 4 year old child. (His first marriage ended because his wife cheated.) The couple had recently separated because SHE was cheating on him. Last week, his co-worker and car pool friend of 20+ years admitted he, too, was "banging" his wife. He called his wife and asked him to bring his child to him in 10 minutes. She arrived there 15 minutes later and found he had shot and killed himself. I know this is an extreme case of dealing with cheating, but I really don't think cheaters realize the impact they make when they do betray their spouses. This poor man was described as happy-go-lucky, always smiling, always the guy that would tell you that it will get better. But he couldn't deal with the pain of his 2nd spouse cheating on him. Very sad. Secretly, I am hoping this tugs at my husband's conscience....

  2. Wow. What a sad story. I've posted here about my own temptation to suicide. It was a strange time...and looking back, it almost seems like it happened to someone else. But I just couldn't imagine life getting any better. I honestly didn't think there would be a time in my life when I didn't feel that excruciating pain.
    Thanks to anti-depressants (which I was on for 18 months) and support, I'm feeling good. But I ache for anyone else who simply thinks their life is only to be endured, not enjoyed. And beg them to get help before they leave a child fatherless or motherless.



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