There were a couple of comments to The Worst Is Over post that gave me pause. Perhaps that's easy for me to say. Three-plus years from D-Day and the dust has pretty much settled. I'm able to see far more clearly that the worst is indeed over.
When you're still navigating the emotional debris wrought by the D-Day bomb, it's not always so clear.
And with the very real possibility that there's more D-Day bombs to follow (men rarely let it all out in one clean sweep. It's called the "trickle truth" because it trickles out, like a faulty faucet over days and weeks and sometimes months). Or the reality of a looming divorce. And when there are kids involved, sometimes the worst (finding out about your spouse's infidelity in the first place) pales in comparison to having to tell children that a divorce is inevitable.
I've dodged that bullet. Thus far, anyway.
Though my marriage is slowly being rebuilt, brick by back-breaking brick, the threat of divorce hangs like a storm cloud just on the horizon. And I know for me that would be the worst. Because it's something I can control – whether to leave or stay – and that it affects my children who wouldn't have a choice in the matter.
So, I'll be honest, there are degrees of worst.
There's the "worst" we can't control – the shocking, devastating news of betrayal. The STD we contracted. The "other child" that's born. The divorce we don't want.
And there's the "worst" we can control – the boundary setting that completely freaks us out because it seems so unnatural to relegate our husbands to the couch until they offer up full disclosure...and a clean bill of health. The "other child" we choose not to acknowledge. The divorce we do want.
Wherever your worst falls on the spectrum, acknowledge it...then let it pass. It won't last forever, even if it feels that way.
You will be able to say, sooner than you expect, that "the worst is over."
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Thanks for acknowledging our comments in your last post. Yes, many more truths have "trickled" out or have been discovered since D-Day for me. And those truths are more women, in one form or another (past and possibly present). After my therapist appt. yesterday, she told me to quit "pain shopping". If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat again and you can't stop him by doing your detective work. Stop focusing on what he is or isn't doing and focus on yourself to get better. After I left there, it finally hit me...yeah, if he does cheat again, then it's done. It's not the end of the world.....it will be tough, but, it's not the end of the world. It will be his loss if he's stupid enough to keep doing it. It is now time for ME!
ReplyDeleteWow – that's really great that you're so clear on what you need to do to heal. Your therapist is right. You're obsessing isn't going to stop him from cheating. That's entirely up to him and the sooner we recognize we can't control it, the faster we can move onto what we can control – ourselves. (If you haven't already read my blog post from April 13 on pain shopping, here's the URL: http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2010/04/pain-shopping-how-to-stop-seeking-out.html)
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right: It will be his loss. In the meantime, you're making yourself strong enough to ensure that, no matter what happens to you in the future, you will always treat yourself with dignity.
I still wish he hadn't told me it was a physical affair. Despite everything, I really, really wish he hadn't told me that. I could lived much easier with going on thinking it was an emotional affair.
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