Lately I've become aware that, though I don't feel the heavy sadness I felt in the weeks and months following D-Day, I also don't feel that great joy I felt in my life pre-D-Day. Sure I knew my marriage had its share of problems. And I struggled with motherhood some days – particularly with my first child who was, in popular parlance, "spirited."
But most days – really! – I felt joyful.
Now? Not so much.
If I'm lucky, I get glimpses of contentment.
Most days, however, I feel...flat.
I've written before about the "plain of lethal flatness" or "The Dead Zone." It can be a welcome reprieve from the agony of D-Day, and excruciating highs and lows in the weeks that follow. But it's a place to catch your breath...not unpack your boxes and move in.
And yet. Here I am. Again. Four YEARS later.
Why? Well...if you believe Brené Brown (and, frankly, I do), it's because I've closed myself off from vulnerability. Afraid of feeling that searing pain of having my soul lit on fire (and NOT in a good way), I've chosen, on some level, to simply not feel at all.
Makes sense from a pain-avoidance stance. Not so much for a joy-seeking one.
I've attached Brené Brown's YouTube TedX talk. Watch it. You might just recognize yourself in her words. What's more, you might find within her words and within yourself, the courage to embrace your vulnerability again. To cast off shame and regret and, instead, to reclaim yourself from the detritus of your former life. I plan to try. Join me.