Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Enough is Enough

BWC member Liz recently commented on a blog post about her husband's affair, which went hand-in-hand with drug use and out-of-the-park sex acts. How, she wondered, could she ever know that she was "enough", especially since she felt uncomfortable engaging in some of the things her husband was doing?
It's a question that just about all of us struggle with at some point in our lives. Whether it's a boyfriend who rejects us, a school we don't gain admission to, a job we lose out on, a team we don't make...the question we're left with is, far too often, why weren't we "_______enough"? (Feel free to fill in the adjective you most often insert: pretty, sexy, thin, smart, funny, outgoing, athletic, talented...)
I can't say it's never worth asking. Sometimes it is. Sometimes we can learn from life's painful lessons to be more of what we want to be and less of what we don't. We can take classes, for example, to learn how to better market ourselves or network. We can train harder to improve our chances of making that sports team or performing better. We can read books to learn how to better communicate with our teens or our spouses.
But sometimes, indeed quite often, the question isn't about constructively learning how to be a better us, it's about beating ourselves up for being who we are.
And that's the category where Liz's question falls. She's wondering what her husband's choices say about her. And she's wondering whether what they're saying is that she's "boring" or not sexy enough.
We've all been there. Especially after learning of a spouse's affair.
It's almost like we're reading from the same script. "What does she have that I don't have?" we wail, desperate to understand just what we're missing that made our husbands stray.
But, as I said to Liz, I think we're asking the wrong question. We shining the spotlight on ourselves when it's our husbands who need to answer for their transgression.
The morning after learning that my husband had been engaging in sex with a wide variety of partners, I was on the phone with his sex addiction counsellor. "What do they have that I don't?" I asked him, desperate to figure it out.
His response? "What those people have, you don't want." He was referring, of course, to their lack of self-esteem. Their addictions. Their lack of boundaries. Their willingness to be used by a virtual stranger for sex. Their fear of intimacy. Their lack of trust. Their inability to handle negative emotions such as anxiety, loneliness, fear, without desperately seeking a distraction. All of which my husband also had.
People don't generally have affairs because of what their spouse doesn't have, they have affairs because of what THEY don't have. They have affairs because it's so much easier than doing the hard work of figuring out what they need to give themselves. They have affairs because it's easier than facing the truth that life hasn't exactly turned out the way they expected: Hard work isn't always rewarded. Kids aren't always born healthy. Elderly parents are demanding. Money is tight. Wives can't read our minds.
And, when we're able to be honest with ourselves, we realize that we're not always our best selves for our families. Life's about compromise. It's about balancing our needs and wants with others' needs and wants and coming up with something that approximates happiness for the largest number of people we care about.
And that's where affairs wreak their havoc. Affairs are selfish. They're about ignoring others' needs and wants in favor of the high that comes with the reflection of ourselves we see in another's eyes – someone who doesn't wash our dirty underwear, know that we fart in our sleep and hate our nasty critical mother.
So to Liz and everyone else who's ever wondered if she's "enough" to keep her straying husband happy, I say you're asking the wrong question. Ask instead what he can do that's "enough" to deserve your forgiveness for causing such pain. Ask yourself whether his plans for reparation are "enough" to allow you to open your heart again to him.
And, if it seems wise and kind to yourself, examine how you both might learn from this to rebuild a marriage that fills you both.

16 comments:

  1. Thanks, Elle. Your responses made me teary. Just the mix of the sadness of the situation and the relief that you understand and put it into words so well. I love "what they have, you don't want." Like an STD! :) Affairs really bring out our very worst fears about ourselves and the scariest part of loving someone else, the fear that they will agree about what we don't like in ourselves. I am trying not to beat myself up or to beat him up either, but some days I do a better job than others.
    Liz

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  2. I agree. I am struggling with this and my cheater is mad but I don't care. I am tired of feeling so low, used and abused. What has he done lately? He wont go to counseling, he thinks full disclosure will hurt me (yeah right he'st scared) and he wants me "move on and to just get over it." Like he did? When his life fell apart at work and his career he went & had an affair? Is that what I should do? Um, no I have some self respect. Still. I struggle. I don't know if I care about "US" anymore. The "US" we had is dying and he is too scared to do anything out of his comfort zone to help it. This post did give me some clarity as to maybe this is "enough" for me.

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    1. Flaca,
      Sooooo many cheaters refuse full disclosure because "it might hurt you." Of course it's going to hurt. But that ship has already sailed. You're already hurt. By full disclosure, they're allowing you to fill in all those blanks that you're likely already filling in with your imagination. As one expert put it, during an affair, the wife is on the outside. By full disclosure, they're allowing the wife to be on the inside.
      The truth is, they're terrified of facing the truth of what they've done. And fully realizing the pain they've caused. But it's the only way through this. That doesn't mean you need every teensy detail. You need to ensure that you're not "pain shopping" by asking for more and more hurtful information. But you do need to know what you need to know in order to answer your questions.
      He's got the choice to either fill you in and start you on your path to healing, or continue to shut you out. And you've got the choice whether to stay with someone who's emotionally incapable of giving you what you know you need or not.
      It's not easy either way.

      Elle

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  3. You talk a whole lot of sense woman! I'm d-day+ 23days and having a very strange few days, this is the question that's been going over and over in my mind and having spoke to my therapist today, she said I need to 'stop' or I'll drive myself insane with it, I also explained why I can't actually recall he's had an affair unless I really think about it, she said that's my body's way of protecting me from the trauma that I'm not ready to deal with yet, but that it will have to come out at somepoint,..not looking forward to that day. I craved him today and let him sit and hold me for hours, I felt so comforted, even though I was just pretending everything was normal for the sake of his contact. Anyway i told her about your blog today & she said anything I am able to draw strength from is wonderful and maybe I should ask if anyone else feels the "what was I lacking?" question and the 'lets pretend it never happened' scenario? Btw I loved the part about dirty washing, it made me chuckle on what has been a strange day.

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    1. Sometimes I talk sense, sometimes it's nonsense. Depends on the day. ;)

      Your therapist is right. Betrayal is traumatic and your body is responding in a way that's protecting you...but letting the pain in a little at a time. To be honest, the worst is likely over. Now it's a matter of processing what this means for your future.

      Craving that physical comfort is perfectly natural. There's also something called "hysterical bonding" (you can search it up on this site), which can be confusing as hell but is also natural.

      Glad you're drawing comfort from this blog. That's the whole point of it -- so we can help each other through.

      Elle

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  4. Elle
    Does it ever get better? 8 months in- will I ever truly get over this? I love him but is that enough? I can't breathe unless he's with me, but the nightmares - or memories - keep me up. I feel so needy I'm terrified he'l change his mind and leave? After he begged me to forgive him, I'm so mixed up I thought I was doing ok but I feel like this is worse than d day the not knowing when and if I'l ever sleep easy again and when/if this pain will ever go away- is any of this normal?

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    1. Yes, yes, yes. It's completely normal. I know eight months seems like a lifetime but in the healing-from-cheating world, it's the blink of an eye.
      I sometimes think the pain feels deeper because the shock has worn off (therefore your body's attempts to "protect" you from it have also worn off) and life is starting to resume its "normal" pace, making your awareness that it ISN'T normal seem all the more acute.
      I think we also become impatient. We feel like we've worked hard to get past this and we want to feel better RIGHT NOW.
      But, as noted, the heart takes a long time to heal. There are no shortcuts. The best you can do is try and live in the moment as much as possible (all that "will we make it?" "will he cheat again?" "what if...." stuff will make you crazy and sap your days of any possible joy), focus on how far you've come, and trust that if you just keep putting one foot in the front of the other that the day will come when this is something you can think about without that stab of pain.
      The standard timeframe offered up by marriage counsellors/infidelity experts is three to five years to get past a "trust violation". When I first heard that I never thought I'd last that long. But it was five years almost to the day that I finally felt free of the pain. Within that time there were lots of good days...and some bad. But at five years, I finally felt like I could really say it was behind me.
      Hang in there. Glad you're here. Trust us to keep guiding you through.

      Elle

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  5. Elle,
    It is uncanny. Sometimes when I need some words of comfort I think about you and this site and sure enough you have posted something that speaks directly to my fears and to my heart. I now have 2 D-Days. A year apart .... I figure it was the universe's way of giving me what I could handle a chunk at a time. We are staying togehter, we are doing counselling, he is terrified of losing me, though we are over the worst (It's been 4 months since D-Day 2 ) ...some days are better than others... some days I can see how far I've come, what I've learned, what we've learned ... other days I can get stuck in thinking about the other women. As I was today. Until I checked your blog and once again, soul sister, you were there. I don't read a lot on line anymore about cheating because I have realized our stories are all unique ..it is very hard for one person to make sense of why another stays ... though I know there are parallels, still so many factors and fears and unspoken truths. I just wanted to tell you that you have meant so much to me in the past year and counting. I feel so much gratitude for your words and for what you've created, here.

    anji

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    1. Anji,

      You've just made my day. My week. My month.

      Thank-you for your kind, kind words. You (and so many others) are the reason I do this. None of us should be alone in this pain.

      Elle

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  6. OMG this was so awesome to read!!! yes yes yes!!!! I too like millions of other betrayed wives wondered what the fuck was wrong with me that my husband cheated on me with multiple females. It has taken a year of therapy to realize there is and wasn't anything wrong with me. It's everything about what's wrong with HIM. De-personalizing his cheating was key to the beginning of my recovery.

    Thank you so so much for this post.

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    1. De-personalizing it is the key to EVERYONE'S recovery. It's the one thing I wish I could simply insert into every betrayed woman's head and heart. This isn't about you!! It's so counter-intuitive. And I can remember reading something about it shortly after D-Day and my response was "Of course this is about me!!" Like you, it took me a long time to finally get it. It was something my husband said one day, exasperated with me for the zillionth question I'd asked and suddenly I just got it. It wasn't about me. It never had been about me. The minute that realization hits, true healing becomes possible.

      Elle

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    2. I may be still in a state of confusion (clarity one day, confusion the next) but there are some situations where it is *somewhat* about the state of the marriage. The word "somewhat" is key. An affair is NOT about the betrayed wife - the blame squarely lies with the betraying husband who made a horrible choice to go outside the marriage. This was the case with my husband. He is at fault - he made the horrible choice to have an affair - and the blame (to use a bad word) lies with him. But if I'm really honest with myself, our marriage wasn't great. We didn't communicate in the stellar way I thought. I was a workaholic & left him alone night after night as I toiled away in the office. Again, not saying I'm to blame, but of course my actions & mindsets contributed to the state of our marriage, as did his actions & mindsets. Would he have still had an affair if our marriage had been better? Maybe. Who knows. The affair problem is his, the marriage problem is ours. Does this make sense? Not sure if we're aligned in this perspective but just thought I'd share and eager to hear others' thoughts.

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    3. Erica,

      I agree absolutely. It takes two to create the climate in the marriage. But far too many women assume the blame for their husband's philandering. As if there's something wrong with them that their husbands cheated. And, in my experience and so much of what I hear on this site, their husbands chose cheating as a way to deal with their own unhappiness -- whether related to their marriage, their jobs, their own insecurities. It's like suggesting that, if your husband began doing drugs each night you were at work out of boredom, loneliness, whatever, that you were somehow complicit in it because you left him alone. Of course not. He chose an unhealthy dangerous way to deal with his loneliness/pain/etc.
      So yes, I agree that each partner needs to take responsibility for what he/she contributed (good and bad) to the marriage but only the cheating spouse bears the responsibility for his straying.
      Yes??

      Elle

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    4. Yes!
      Plus more thoughts. Even though *I* know that the fault squarely lies with my betraying husband, the thing that gets me is what unthinking *society* thinks. I think most people feel really bad for- sorry for- the person who got cheated on (male or female) but I suspect mixed in there is also a pinch of wondering what weren't they providing their spouse. Sad to say, I think I thought this too pre-affair. Now, though, boy do I think differently! As much as it might be easy to say 'who cares what society thinks!', unfortunately it's not as easy as that because it involves shame. I have shame that my H had an affair, even thought I intellectually KNOW that this was his fault - it was about him. Shame is, for me, one of the bigger barriers to my healing...

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  7. He says he believes he can be a decent man and husband and wants to show me. He's already done a lot, but he is doing a lot of work in therapy, finding himself and what's missing in his life, whether he's up to the task. I wonder, how long should I wait? What if in the end, he realizes he doesn't want to be in this marriage or can't be the husband I need him to be? I know you emphasize waiting 6-12 months before making a drastic decision. I want to give reconciliation at least 6 months, but in this time I am investing myself and my heart in reconciliation. This waiting game is very frustrating to me because what we have now is not a marriage and it's scary to give back some of the trust.

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