Friday, May 10, 2013

Fool Me Once...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Or so goes the old adage.
We were fooled once. We were fooled and lied to and deceived. It brought us to our knees. It damn near killed us. And there is no way in hell we're going to be fooled again.
So we put up our guard. We're on constant alert. Did he look me in the eye when he came home last night? Is he checking his phone more than usual? Is that a new cologne he's wearing?? Was he really working late?
We might check his computer, even if we haven't in years. We might sneak a look at his phone.
Even if we've let our guard down, even when we think we can finally relax into a marriage that has been rebuilt, made stronger by the storm it weathered, the slightest something-not-quite-right can send us spiralling back into our conviction that we must NEVER be fooled again.
I've been there. And, in fact, am there.
My husband thinks he's ready to kick his therapy. Over the past six years since D-Day, he's seen a sexual addiction specialist, done EMDR, attended work-benefit-supplied emergency counselling and, finally, a Jungian psychoanalyst. So yes, a lotta therapy. (Though, frankly, he was a lotta messy.)
In that same time, I've watched a man who frequently swung between childlike fear and superhero-like faux invincibility become balanced. I've heard him tell clients that he simply can't meet them in the evenings because that's his family time. I've seen him, finally, stand up to his mother. He pauses to take a breath before he responds to our child's requests. He find humor in what might have infuriated him. He's found space in his heart to learn to love himself with all his mistakes, which, of course, has allowed him to truly love me and our kids. He has wrestled his shame to the ground and though it sometimes resurfaces, he can recognize it and subdue it. In other words, he's a very different man than the one who confessed to me not only an affair but many.
Still...my own fear is awakening. Without that constant check-in with a therapist, I wonder if he'll lose his way. Without being guided along the path, I worry that he'll lose his way. In short, I worry that I'll be fooled again.
And that's the danger. Not that I will be fooled, necessarily, but that the possibility is always lurking in a shadow.
And the reason it's a danger is because it keeps us hostage to the fear. It doesn't, of course, alter the outcome. If we're gonna be fooled again, well it's not because we didn't check his e-mail often enough, or weren't vigilant enough. It's because the person who was broken enough to fool us the first time, is still broken. (And, perhaps, because we didn't set clear enough boundaries around our hearts the first time by insisting that he seek help in whatever form you felt he needed -- by kicking drugs, entering a 12-step program, seeking therapy, finding a new job...)
There are, I'm sad to say, no guarantees. No way to be certain that we'll never feel that heartbreak again – whether from the man who first fooled us, or from a new man. There is only our hard-won knowledge that IF we are to feel our hearts break again, we can trust our own strength to put them back together.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you're really only fooling yourself.

19 comments:

  1. So timely! My H and I were at MC this afternoon and the concept of forgiveness came up. I told our MC that I have no idea what forgiveness really is... feels like a concept only and I have no idea how it would or could enter my life. To be clear, I'm not an UN-forgiving person... I've just never had occasion in my life to need to forgive someone and hence just don't understand it, now that I have BIG occasion to potentially forgive someone. Anyway, our MC wisely wondered whether NOT forgiving is my way of protecting myself from this ever happening again - that feeling of utter devastation, the shattering of what I thought was stable in the world. If I don't forgive him then I don't open myself up to vulnerability again. Combines your latest post on forgiveness with your most recent about 'fooling once, twice, etc.'.

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    1. Hi Erica,

      Yes, I do think that we (meaning I!) can use it as armour. It's our way to pretending to ourselves that it can't happen again. But we're fooling ourselves. Of course it can happen again. We can reduce the likelihood; we can promise each other honesty. But to think that makes us totally safe is wrong. It always was. Which is why I can never quite feel that weddings are so wonderful anymore. There's that voice in the back of my head reminding me that the majority (!!) of marriages will experience infidelity. I now focus much more on the "for better or worse" because there's something powerful in that.

      Elle

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    2. Weddings put me in such a funk!! I get soooo jealous I want so bad to go back in time to that naive happily ever after mind set!! My husband and I always believed our relationship was above infidelity well here we are:( I really hate hiw his indiscretion ruined my fairy tale! I feel like I have such a negative view on marriage and commitment now bc of my experience. I hate what his cheating has taken from me my trusting completely, my happily ever after, my thought of revenge that I hate but they are always there and that is so not me! Do you other ladies feel the same way I know two wrongs will never get me to what I truly want at the end of the day and that us my family and MY husband, but the thoughts of retaliation are always there. Hopefully time will heal all wounds. Btw I do have a great husband I can't beleive I am saying that! But before what he did I honestly felt like I didn't deserve him now I feel opposite:(

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    3. I completely agree with you. I am 11 months out from the second affair in 20 year marriage. I needless to say am still having a rough time. We have two beautiful teens who know nothing of this, including have never seen us even really fight much. Counseling has been ok but not sure if it really helps me. I too have a wedding to go to next week and can't bear the thought. I have always longed for the fairy tale. I regularly think of revenge moments, seems to give me some solace for that moment anyway. Trying so hard to accept that I can't change what's been done. I move forward for our children and a husband who is desperately trying to fix what went wrong. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

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  2. It's so hard, feeling like a fool for having trusted the person you are supposed to be able to trust the most. I feel like that is how the OW must see me, as a fool. (Of course, that is probably a lot better than how I see her.) I have the OW in my head more than usual because we work in the same industry, and I keep having to do business with her company, although thank god I've never met her directly. Is there anyone else whose work actually puts you in or near contact with the OW? I would love to hear how you deal with that. It is especially horrible to feel like my personal and work selves are both entwined in this mess. Yet I don't want to run and hide from my work opportunities (or my marriage) because of her. I want to be strong in both, while not setting myself up for any extra pain.
    Liz

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    1. Liz,
      My husband's OW was his work assistant and it took a month or two to disentangle the work stuff and let her go (with severence pay, unfortunately). So I know it's tough when the woman is always there, lingering in the shadows.
      I think the best you can do is come up with some sort of plan of how you'll handle it if you do come face-to-face. Might help you put it in the back of your mind if you're somehow prepared.
      Anyone else have any advice?

      Elle

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    2. Liz, Hold your head high. You didn't do anything wrong. I try to focus more on what my husband should have or should have not done, not the OW. The OW is clueless and I have NO respect for the woman who has to sleep with/steal a married man. She is scum in my book.

      When I see the OW (I depositioned her to court), I just stare at her with disgust. She should know better and feel shame. But, if she doesn't, that's even more reason for you to hold your head high and not give a damn what she thinks. I don't know if that helps and you can tell I am still working on my anger-issues, but anger keeps me going forward. And someone told me that some day, the anger will be gone; you will know it when it time to let it go. Until then, stand strong because you are the strong one, not the disgusting OW.

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  3. Oh, I have lots of plans, most of which will get me arrested.... My real fear is that I do nothing or cry, and look like a fool or crazy. Something that only affirms why he did this. I can't imagine any good way that I'd be able to handle it. Any advice would be much appreciated. Even advice on how to handle my emotions if her name is mentioned in work context. Elle, did you have to talk to the assistant after?
    Liz

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  4. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you're really only fooling yourself. Today, I can look at this statement in a different light than a year ago. Ah, exactly 1 year ago, I found out my husband had been cheating on me for 10 months (at least). At least I can trace it back to his phone records for 10 months. And, yes, it's the secretary! And yes, I am still a mess, still wondering how this happened, WHY did it happen to me. I was hit with a MAC truck; had no idea this was happening. It happened to me back in 1990 after living with a man for 5 years. So, this time, brought back fury like no other; the fact that I have been fooled twice!

    Fortunately or unfortunately, my husband as of March 2013 moved in with his secretary. My divorce is still pending.

    A little sidebar that makes this even tougher on me is that my husband was a Judge when I married him, so I thought he must be honest. He is now an elected public official for the county government (Superior Court Judges) and had to run for election in November 2012. All the county officials know about his affair with his secretary, but no one has done a thing about it. Now, he is a married man living with his mistress/secretary. It's so hard for me to believe that the county has no ethics policy. My husband is in control of his mistress' pay raises and reviews. No one seems to have any morals anymore. And, he is a public official. You would think he should be held to a higher standard, but notta.

    Now, after a year of counseling for ME (he would NEVER go to counseling), I am working so hard on myself, to see how is it I can fall in love with men who are unfaithful to me. Yes, these men are WRONG, no doubt, but I wonder what it is about me to attract these dishonest men who have no feelings about destroying my life. I am learning that "bad things can happen to good people". I am in a church group reading the book, Safe People, which is hopefully, going to prevent me from getting hit by yet another MAC truck.

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    1. I'm stunned that there's no ethics policy regarding elected officials.
      I'm so glad you're getting clear on how to heal from this. I wouldn't spend too much time figuring out how you attract these people -- frankly there's so many of them that the law of averages don't work in your favor. I think the more relevant question is whether you overlook any instincts that tell you something's wrong. Or if you ignore gut feelings that might lead you to discover something you'd rather not know. That's not always the case -- sometimes we just honestly don't know. But sometimes we do.
      Glad you found us. I hope you'll continue to share your story. We can all learn from each other.

      Elle

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    2. I found out on April 20, 2013 that my husband of 26 years was having an affair with his secretary. The OW also happened to be a close friend of mine for five years and our families took trips together and family stuff. This woman had been to my house, given me birthday parties, and basically made a fool of me. I feel as you do.....how can this company continue to let her work there? My husband ( soon to be ex) is part owner that's how. I am disgusted because I have known all these people for years. I still love him....a week after he left I met him and asked if he would consider going to counseling and working on it. He turned me down stating that he has feeling as for her and is not "in love" with me anymore. We have two wonderful children the oldest in graduate school and the youngest starting college in the fall. Yes I have really been made a fool of: I have been a stay at home mom for 21 years and totally relied on m,y husband and trusted him. Now I have nothing. I've applies for two secretarial jobs and even with a bachelors degree in business management I've been turned down. I m scared and worried about my future. He wants it all over quickly and is now getting frustrated with me because I won't meet with him alone to discuss settlement. He filed against me and I told him I am in no state to make good decisions about my future because not only has it only been two months since he left, but five weeks ago my mom had a massive stroke. His a lawyer has already charged six thousand dollars and has only files complaint? He makes me feel guilty about the attorney fees but I have to listen to my attorney and counselor who do not advise me to meet with him alone.

      I think I would be made a fool of again if I met with him but he is making me feel like a fool for not meeting with him. I am so confused, hurt, and don't understand why I miss someone who obviously is done with me and has very little feelings left for his kids. I need help!
      Gls

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    3. Gls,
      Repeat after me: My husband is an ass. My husband is an ass. They deserve each other.
      Two people capable of such deceit and lack of compassion deserve to stew in their own selfishness. You're better than that. And you're going to treat yourself as better than that.
      You are NOT a fool for choosing to raise children and emotionally support a husband.
      Nobody can MAKE you feel guilty. That's an emotion you're choosing. He can try and manipulate you into feeling guilty -- which is simply his way of getting you to make his life easier. But don't give in to him. He's NOT on your side. So YOU must be on your own side. Follow the advice of your lawyers, who ARE on your side. Make sure you get every single penny you deserve. This isn't about revenge, it's about justice. He wouldn't have the career he has without a wife at home taking care of his children and ensuring that he doesn't need to distract himself with cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc.
      Take the time you need to get yourself to a place where you can see your future without him as a whole lot less exhausting. It's far easier to be who you are without some guy telling you who that is.
      Do you have friends who can support you emotionally? Who can remind you daily that you are better than this? If not please check in here, where we'll tell you as often as you need to hear it.
      Good luck. Stay strong. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage. But trust that you're better of without two such toxic people in your life.

      Elle

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    4. Elle,
      Thank you for your words....I definitely need to hear that I can do this. I struggle everyday with thoughts that just overwhelm me: thoughts about what he is doing, how could he not miss his family, will he text or email me, will he ever show remorse....just foolish thoughts that won't go away. He is also going to his a mom and dad...by the way his dad did the same thing to his mom....telling them that I was the reason he didn't come around them a lot....oh I didn't know that was a reason to have an affair with your secretary!! Anyway, him doing that really hurts me more because it doesn't matter what the truth is.....I bought them holiday and birthday cards, scheduled events for holidays, bought all the presents, visited any time he wanted to, went to stay with his grandparents for a week at a time in Kentucky....they don't understand that and now they are completely OK with this. Not once did his mom or dad say to him,"you might want to think about at you are doing,". Nothing. I feel like me and the kids aren't even important to them just as long as he is OK.

      I would really like some creative job ideas. I would love to be able to be with my daughter when she comes home on college breaks and I don't think I'm a 9 to 5 girl. I'm at a loss and never thought that I would be renting at 47. I mean what he left for the OW (besides his family) was his "dream": 17 acres, all brick 4 bedroom 4 bath ranch, a pond, he has a tractor, 4-wheeler, a 1987 pickup he was restoring, and a house full of stuff. We built all this together so what is really hard is everyday I have to wake up in a house that "we" built filled with "our" stuff knowing that in the near future it will all be destributed and it will be a memory.

      I do have friends and family but I feel like I am bothering them by talking about it all the time. I know it gets old and I don't want to play the victim. I am just so extremely hurt and have no self esteem at this point. I need this group....I need your words, Elle...
      Gls

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    5. Yeah, I needed my words too, so I know how you feel. Please don't worry about burdening your friends and family. I've sat on the other side of this, with friends going through it, and the worst feeling is that you can't stop their pain. To be able to at least help them through it is actually a gift to them. Allow yourself to be vulnerable...and them to support you, knowing you'd do the same for them.
      Nothing about this is fair so the sooner you stop wishing that others saw the reality of it, the better for your own sanity. His own family, if they experienced a similar situation, likely won't want to face the truth and will continue to blame anyone but their son. But YOU know...and that's all that really matters.
      Again, make sure you get your fair share so that you have some time to figure out your next life step. Is there anything you've wondered about doing? Been curious about? Now's the time to get to really know yourself. To figure out what you put aside or buried in the name of domestic peace. Follow your curiousity and see where it takes you? Or ask your kids or your friends what they think you might be good at. Tell people you're open to new ideas. You might be pleasantly surprised at what could come your way.
      As for the hurt...feel it. But don't let it bury you. Of course, you're hurt. Someone you trusted with your heart didn't treat it with the gentle respect he should have. Cry when you need to...but don't let this define you. His choices define HIM, not you. YOU get to decide who you are.
      You'll be able to create a beautiful home with less of his "stuff" and simply that which feeds your own soul. It's a new chapter of your story. Perhaps not one you thought you'd be living...but one that will undoubtedly have its gifts and challenges.
      It helped me to think about what I would tell my own daughters if either of them ever were to go through this. I wouldn't think they were unworthy of love or respect. I wouldn't think there life became meaningless because there weren't a zillion jobs for them. I would think they were every bit as loved and valuable and worthy as they were before some idiot threw their love away. I would pity the fool who didn't realize what he had...

      Elle

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  5. There's no ethical policy for this in the workplace, either, unfortunately - unless it's a supervisor-underling situation. I found it interesting that the company wouldn't do anything about the affair, especially since they were using company property (email, IM) to conduct the affair. Most businesses approach it with a "it's not illegal" mindset - well, I think in some states it is, it's just not enforced, so in my opinion that's a cop-out.

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  6. New here. I think I posted but can't find it LOL

    I am 4 months out since D-DAY and still struggling with trust. I have read many of the posts on here and I must say I don't feel alone anymore.

    Today I wrote a letter to the OW (Or GIRL, she was 21) and it did help. Wasn't the best piece of work I've ever composed, but it helped me to organize my thoughts and get some choice words off my chest.

    I know confronting the GIRL will not help anything as she could care less about me or my kids, but how I wish I could at times. It makes me angry I am left with what they did. I am the one that is hurt and they are the ones that were lying and cheating? Why is it the good are punished?

    Sam

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    1. Hi Sam,
      yeah...it's pretty tough when it seems that they had their fun and you're paying the price. Except that I think, with time and a lot of reflection, you'll realize that the "girl" is likely pretty clueless (and somewhat lacking in a moral compass) and she'll either create a life of deceit or she'll wind up being deceived herself. Don't even give her a second thought. She was convenient, nothing more.
      Keep on writing or talking or whatever you can do to get your anger and frustration out. Four months out is still quite raw so I'm not the least bit surprised you're strugging with trust. What is your spouse doing to support you? Is he being completely transparent? Are your trust issues based on continued behaviour or what happened before you found out?
      Time, that dreaded four-letter word, will eventually make a different, as long as you're using your time to focus on you and what you need going forward.
      Hang in there, Sam. Glad you found us.

      Elle

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  7. Hi
    Have been reading this blog for months now and it is such a help. I discovered my husband was having a two and a half year affair last September with a woman he works with. This followed a month of him lying though his teeth after I first confronted him when I discovered an emailed Valentine card he had sent her (obviously I knew he had been sleeping with her, I just needed to get him to come clean) So 8/9 months on, and we are still struggling. He dropped her like a hot brick immediately, is desperate to stay together, says the usual things - she was available, he was vulnerable (was approaching 50 at the time), she was a flirt who made him feel approved of/appreciated, he did it because it was essy, liked her but she meant nothing etc etc. Heard it all before, right?? Anyway, I do believe he is desperate to make things work with me but my big problem is she still works at his place on a part-time basis - he insists there is no contact and nor will there be but she is a woman who, before him, was sleeping with her neighbour and was on sex websites. She's in a long-term relationship with two young kids but that does not seem to stop her. She is like a snake in the grass that's been lying low for a while and is ready to strike again (eg: she doesn't keep a low profile at work, wears low-cut dresses etc - he tells me this as part of his "transparency" policy!) I know it's not what she does, it's what his response is that matters. But it makes me uneasy and a big part of me would rather just run away/quit and let them get on with it if that's what they want rather than be hurt again. He understands all of this and really does try to reassure me - but still. We are seeing a MC and it is beginning to finally help. He is the man who you describe in one of last year's posts, Elle - the man who "shrinks with shame" at what he has done. I read that and knew we deserved a second shot. But very difficult when she is not out of the picture. It feels so unfair.

    Thanks (and sorry to ramble) x

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    1. Hi X,
      I'm so glad you're here and that you've found us helpful.
      I think your reaction to her proximity to him is completely understandable...but I don't think it's based in reason. If he wanted to be with her, it sounds like he could have her. But I know that the fear of being hurt again is so profound that it clouds reason. It's why I often remind people that betrayal is traumatic...and your healing from it often has to be a response to trauma. Her proximity to him is a trigger so when you're feeling fearful about it, it's not about now but then. It's about what happened (past) not what's happening (present). That's not to say it's easy to get past it but it can be really helpful, when you're feeling triggered, to bring yourself to the now, to remind yourself that right now all is fine. And that if, in the future, you find yourself dealing with betrayal again, you'll be able to handle it. You're strong. You're capable. It'll hurt...but you'll be fine.
      I'm glad your MC is helping too. And that your husband is able to support you through this. And, finally, it IS unfair. Nothing about this is fair.

      Elle

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