Thursday, April 9, 2015

Fear Will Keep You Small: How to release it...and blossom

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin


"Every problem is just fear." That was a recent tweet I read. And while I don't know if it's factual, I do believe it's true.
Certainly true with infidelity.
Infidelity trips the wire in our brain that unleashes every fear we've ever had. Of darkness. Of loss. Of abandonment. Of craziness. Of unworthiness. Of being revealed as deficient or not enough.
If we've been lucky enough as children to have healthy parents, we learn to trust our place in the world, to feel a sense of belonging, to believe ourselves worthy of others' love and respect. If we're then faced with infidelity, the fear wire may be tripped but, in many cases, we fairly quickly regain our equilibrium and are able to recognize the cheating as reflective of our spouse's character, not our own.
Those of us, however, whose parents were unable to provide that healthy support, often come to adulthood with buried injuries and hidden fears.
Commitment is a huge leap of faith for us. We allow ourselves to jump, trusting tentatively, finally, that there's someone to catch us.
So when our spouse isn't there for us; when, in fact, it's our spouse who pushes us into the abyss, the terror is real. Our childhood fears loom large. Abandonment. Loss. Unworthiness.
For some of us, even coming from healthy homes, the fear wire tripped by infidelity stays tripped. It doesn't reset. It creates in us all the symptoms of post-traumatic stress: hyper-vigilance, a sense of foreboding, anxiety, flashbacks, emotional numbing. In one word, we can pretty much wrap up all those feelings as "fear". The world suddenly feels terrifying.
It's crucial to tackle this quickly. We need someone to moor us to reality before we drown in the stories we tell ourselves about the myriad ways in which we're unlovable, undeserving of kindness and respect, the ways in which we've failed.
A good therapist (or a particularly wise compassionate friend) will help us understand that our stories, which are rooted in fear (I'll be alone forever, nobody loves me, I'm not [fill-in-the-blank] enough, I'm too [fill-in-the-blank]...) aren't reality and get in the way of healing. In fact, that fear-based narrative prevents healing and pushes us towards betraying ourselves for the sake of "safety".
While fear is a reasonable response to the emotional trauma of infidelity, it's a dangerous one if we let it govern our actions. We need to fight hard to understand that infidelity, while it deeply affects us, isn't about us. Infidelity is about one partner's choice to seek outside the marriage what they're missing in themselves. It's about emotional immaturity. It's about escape and fantasy.
Your task is to challenge our cultural convictions around cheating and examine your own beliefs. What do YOU believe your partner's cheating says about you? My guess is that your beliefs about infidelity are rooted much more in fear than in truth. Fear will keep you wrapped tightly in that bud. The truth will allow you to blossom.

45 comments:

  1. Elle, I love this post. Your post and advice always so meaningful to me. Thank you.
    I have a question… I posted in "Sharing Your Story Finding Out - there were 204 posts .... I have not seen my latest published…? Should I try to redo it elsewhere? Thank you.

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    1. Hi Melissa,
      Thanks for your kind words. Yes, sometimes when comments go over 200, my "blogger" platform won't publish them. Why not post your question here? The blog posts often get noticed more than the forums.

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  2. Ok. It seems as if the women who post here either have husbands who will do anything to win back their spouses and those husbands (fewer of them) who won't .... and can be somewhat inconsidetate, or downright nasty. My h? He is admittingly "confused" ... he is doing many of the "right" things yet has spoken repeatedly of separating as the emotion is too much for him and he wants to clear his head as to missing me ... or something of the sort. He seems to be classic mid-life crisis ... not sure if he wants to be married anymore .... but struggling because to think of never seeing me again is "crippling" and he does love me ... just not like he used to. So, ladies, any of you been here? I can't say I'm entirely opposed to a separation .... thoughts? experiences? Please .... :-)

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  3. And to clarify ... if it happens the intent is a "controlled separation" ie agreement as to continued mc, date nights, finances, length of separation etc. ...

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  4. I lOve the post. It comes from the depth of being real. My husband pulled me to the bottom of my life, but in that pit of pain and misery, I'm trying to find my self-love because I was not loved growing up. My dad had an affair, a mom who loved herself, my first husband abused me. Abandoned, abandoned and the affair was the cherry on the abandoned train. Sue Chen said "I thought I already knew the landscape of pain. Now I'm learning the landscape of change, disruption and the unimaginable. Because knowing pain and having been to the “dark side” and come back, equips you to go head-to-head and conquer the most debilitating of emotions, and that is fear. It’s an incredible chemistry that happens when pain, suffering and misery are mixed in with passion and love. Failing forward in my marriage brought me together with my Emotional Bucket which is always with me. I can reach in anytime and access its vast resource of experiences and emotions because it is mine and no one else’s. My Emotional Bucket is the most powerful part of who I am… past, present and future."

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  5. Melissa, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your husband. My husband also was wavering and expressed similar confusion. I know how painful this is for you to be in this kind of limbo and uncertainty, never knowing what is really going on with your husband. It's been over 3 years since my husband affair and looking back now I can see much more clearly. I was so naïve and didn't no what to make of this sort of behavior, because my husband never really became truly transparent, so I was always trying to make sense of his changeable behavior. I haven't ever been able to prove it but I have my suspicion that he wasn't completely done with the affair. He would say that he wanted to get his own apartment so he could find himself and we could date and do the finances together, etc. I told him, that I wasn't the girl for him with this kind of arrangement. That changed his tune quickly. The more he realized that he couldn't have his cake and eat it to, he had to make a choice. He couldn't have both. He chose me. The thing that I look back on most is that my gut always knew the truth. What is really behind your husbands behavior? Trust your instincts and they will lead you to the truth. I don't know if that helps you or not. This was just my experience I wanted to share with you.

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    1. That's a very good point. A lot of fence-sitting (I don't know what I want, I'm just so confused) are the actions of someone who's not quite ready to give up the affair...but also doesn't want to lose the marriage. They try and buy themselves time. You can try to kick them off the fence by taking the stand...but only if you're absolutely sure you'll stick with the ultimatum (ie. me or the door). Otherwise, you're simply showing that you'll back down. Glad your husband was smart enough to recognize what he would lose.

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  6. I love this post. Just what I needed to hear this morning. Thank you

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  7. I need support .... Please .... I thought I was okay with the separation… But this morning my husband told me right before he left for work that he's bringing home boxes to pack. i've been crying ever since. I am trying to determine why I am crying so hard ... I think because I know in my heart of hearts, that this is the end. If he is not capable of truly working on the marriage while we are living together… He will certainly not be capable of doing such while we are living apart. And… How about me? How do I feel? And I know if I am really truthful with myself, deep down I know that it would be extremely difficult to continue in a marriage with a man who not only had a 4 1/2 year affair on me but after-the-fact couldn't decide if you wanted to be with me .... I know he's messed up… In fact, I guess I've always known that he's messed up…and somehow I thought I could love him enough that he would get past that ... Past the anger… Past the need to avoid… Past the need to run away from his problems ... drink too much, have an affair, and now run away from reconciliation. (Please know that there's a ton of good about this man or I would not be so completely devastated, as I am now.). I guess I'm just truly learning that it's not my job to fix him, I'm not his mother, I'm not his therapist…
    and I know; I know… I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward. I love the Emotional Bucket .... And will no doubt use it in the future… But there are some days that all you can do is sit and cry.

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    1. Oh Melissa,
      I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. The short of it is you can't control him but you can control you. Like the commenter above, I'd be inclined to state clearly what it is you want from him. If you don't think you can handle the separation and continuing to "date", etc., then let him know that. If you want him to continue to work this out under one roof, then state that. After that, however, you have to let it go. If he chooses to move out even with your expressed concern that it's the wrong move, then he's making it clear to you that his needs, right now, trump yours. And on the heels of a 4 1/2 year affair, that's not a good sign for your marriage.
      I get that some people have crises and need space and time to get their feet under them again. But his affair really changes that possibility because it leaves you with so much deception and betrayal to sift through...and without his support to heal.
      Again, state clearly what you want and need from him and then let go of the outcome. Whatever he chooses to do, you'll have acted from a place of honesty and clarity. And that will serve you going forward.
      And Melissa...the right path isn't the same as the easy path. Just because you're incredibly sad about a separation doesn't mean it's necessarily the wrong thing. Perhaps it will also give you the space to figure out what you really going forward. In any case, please know that, no matter what happens, the day will come when you are just fine. Life with someone who's emotionally crippled can be hard at the best of times.

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  8. Thank you both so much… You don't know how incredibly happy I was to see responses here. This site has been a lifesaver for me. I wish I could say to him with honesty and clarity what I want… But the truth be told, I don't know? In fairness, I have been saying that I wanted this separation ... yet it was not my idea ... So, I am going to simply go through with it. I cannot truthfully state that I do not want the separation. I somehow feel perhaps once I get into the separation I will either decide I simply cannot do it, and at that time I will tell him such, or I will decide that I can do it.
    What is incredibly difficult for me is the fact that I am only about 10 weeks post D-Day - and we have been spending almost all of our time together. The emotional blur that I have been surviving in since January 27th does not allow me to think straight. So, it may take a little bit… But hopefully the separation will allow that blur to come just a little bit more into focus. And then I can speak with greater honesty and clarity.
    Thank you once again ladies…with all my heart.

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    1. Melissa,
      Achieving clarity in the wake of betrayal is really, really hard. For many of us, our hand is forced via a spouse who leaves us no choice, children who make it difficult to simply leave, financial pressures or whatever.
      Your husband's inability to determine what he wants just complicates things further. And this was a 4 1/2 year affair, not some spur-of-the-moment insanity. He's likely dealing with a lot of guilt for his deception. What's more, sometimes people let their actions determine their feelings, instead of the other way around. For instance, instead of saying, "I'm confused about where I am in life so I'm having an affair to distract myself from that confusion", they figure that "I had an affair, therefore I must not be happy". It takes a particularly insightful person -- or one willing to gain the insight -- to be able to really parse out the feelings instead of simply reacting from fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, etc.
      Hang in there, Melissa. Use the time to focus on you, to nurture yourself, to ask yourself what you stand to lose/gain by continuing in a relationship with him and also by NOT being in a relationship with him.

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    2. Melissa,
      I'm so sorry you are going through this. Lots of love and strength to you. Hang in there and like Elle said, take care of yourself, as hard as that is.

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  9. Thank you Elle. He's been home for a while now we've been talking… He admitted to me that he got in touch with the OW yesterday and he in fact told her that he was moving out and where he was moving. He was crying, and sobbing, as he is so confused and he told me he wants to discontinue the marriage counseling instead he wants to go to individual counseling. He doesn't feel the O W wants to be back with him - but it is obvious he's very torn - and he cried especially hard when he told me he didn't know he could get the love back that he had for me. So very difficult and so very sad. We did Swika divorce, yet as he pointed out that this time he wants to keep me on his insurance life insurance and health insurance which I appreciate as I recently started my own business. At this time I suggested we just not see each other at least for a couple weeks and then get back together and decide what the separation means to us. One thing I must say I am pleased about tonight… Is I'm finally getting some truth from him. crazy, isn't it? That was such devastating news I still feel comfort in the truth. Thank you is simply not enough, but I'll say it again, thank you.

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    1. No matter how awful the truth is, at least it allows us to move forward. The guessing and wondering make us crazy.
      I confess I get pretty fed up with the guys who say they don't know if they can "get the love back". Love isn't just a feeling, it's action. As therapist Esther Perel (who wrote Mating in Captivity and is working on an book about infidelity) puts it, if people spent an iota of the effort they put into an affair into their marriage, infidelity wouldn't exist. Love takes work. It takes energy. Of course, it seems easy at the beginning of any relationship. It's when things get hard or boring or confusing that we need to work harder. And that's when so many people check out. So, surprise, surprise, we no longer feel we "love" the person who we're spending virtually no time or energy on. Argh!!
      You're husband is right in that he needs therapy to get his head out of his ass. I hope he figures that out before you figure out that you're better of without him.

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  10. Melissa, I don't want to cause you more pain then you are already in, but I would try to verify if yesterday was the first time he contact the OW? For your own protection, I would look into it. Sorry, but it doesn't sound right. We want to believe our husbands and you are a gracious person for all you have endured. I just think it's important to some investigation and see if he is being honest with you.

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  11. The truth will always set you free even when it's painful. Truth is always better than lies. Get as much support as possible right now and find a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. They will be able to help you understand and make sense of the trauma you are going through and not minimize it, but give you a language to what you are feeling. So sorry for your pain.

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  12. Thank you Elle and Anonymous. As far as investigating whether or not he's telling the truth… I really lost that ability at the end of March when we switched from AT&T to cricket. Cricket at this time does not track numbers that were called or texted to. and I had come to the point where I just felt that he can have an affair anyway that he wants to all of my investigating everything I do he could still have gotten another phone he can do whatever you want if you chose to have an affair. Prior to the end of March though I know that he was not in touch with her and I don't believe he was until this just recently. Still, our agreement had been no contact and he did call her. My feeling is if she agreed to start another relationship with him he would do it. So yes, that information is heart wrenching. What am I doing about it? Taking one day at a time. and as I said, hoping that the separation will give me the clarity that I need, to make a concrete decision. and to share that decision with him. Al, thanks for the anger… I have a very hard time expressing anger, or frankly even getting angry. Again the separation will provide me, I am hoping, with greater strength and therefore greater empowerment and… Perhaps anger. Frankly, I would be happy with empowerment, that serves me well.

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    1. Melissa,
      You are not required to get angry. You are, however, required to FEEL. Let your feelings come to the surface. Try not to be afraid of your feelings. In this madness we are allowed and encouraged to FEEL how we FEEL. Disappointment, sadness, weariness, lost, alone, disillusioned, fear and yes, ANGER!! It is perfectly normal, Melissa, to feel angry. You do not have to express anger in any way other than your own way. Each of us has been hurt differently and we hurt differently. I am the unfortunate recipient of a 4++ year affair that I found out well after DDay was in fact 5 years or more and wrapped up with multiple affairs and prostitutes.

      Let your feelings out. Find a way to express them even if it is in therapy.

      Empowerment sounds great!

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    2. I disclosed my husband's affair to a friend a few months after D-Day and she shocked me by telling me her husband had also had an affair several years prior. But her advice stuck to me, regarding monitoring movements, phone calls, etc. She said: You have to decide if you want to continue your life being the Deputy. That helped me get over the hump. I still had bouts of checking, but I was no longer caught up it. That, and advice I've seen repeated elsewhere on this site to decide What You (and it is YOUR decision) are going to do about it if it does happen again, helped me get my feet more solidly on the ground. Good luck to you.

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    3. Thank you Terry. I truly appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback. 😊

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  13. Oh, and I do have a therapist - I have seen her off and on for years ... she's excellent ... yet really expensive so I inky see her every other week. Thank you.

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    1. That's great. Every other week is fabulous. Enough so you can hang on in the meantime...but not so much that you don't have time to put suggestions into action.

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  14. Elle, thank you for this post. It is so hard to go through this and it is good to know I'm not alone in how I feel. The not enough-ness or too much-ness can be so overwhelming at times. Especially for me late at night when I am exhausted... the negative thoughts start to spiral. My husband can't come up with reasons for his affair. We had a beautifully happy marriage before all of this. He did make some choices to stop communicating with me on some things, but no good reason as to why. It is so hard to not have any answers and to just feel like I am not what he wants. That I am his third choice (originally me, then her, then me again). He is working towards answers and towards being an "us" again, but it is such a long, heartbreaking process. I have also been unable to find a decent therapist to support me. I am thankful for good friends, but they can only do so much. I am working on believing that I am enough, that I am okay, and that this was his crappy decision and not because of me. But the hurt and betrayal makes it so hard...
    Thank you for creating this space for us to share. xo

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    1. The "no good reason" thing tends to hold a lot of us hostage. With time, it becomes less important. And the reason – that he distracted himself from uncomfortable feelings (loneliness, anxiety, fear, loss, sadness, etc.) by escaping into a fantasy where he loved the reflection of himself in the other person's eyes – will never really be good enough. They failed themselves, as much as they failed us.
      Hang in there. You are enough. You have always been.

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  15. """Infidelity is about one partner's choice to seek outside the marriage what they're missing in themselves. It's about emotional immaturity. It's about escape and fantasy."""

    Ah yes, fantasy and escape. On Friday I met with HIS therapist for the first time. I was brutal in my commentary. I had prepared a short essay detailing HIS activities as they are known to me. The facts according to "me" you could say. It only took a short time to read and when I was finished HIS therapist said "you know you do not have to live like this". The therapist said that so many times. In a way I was glad he said it because if he is saying it to me and I am not his client - what must he be telling his client?? I told HIS therapist that I really wanted to find out what in the hell was wrong with HIMSELF that he went about for 5 years having sex with street women and prostitutes - while still being intimate with me!! I still cringe when I think about the utter filth of it all. I am glad I spoke with HIS therapist because I really do not think HIMSELF told the entire truth.

    Fantasy indeed! HIMSELF is fond of saying he did not care for these women AT ALL!! I always reply back "Nope, you certainly did care -- you literally LOVED how they made you feel -- emotionally and psychically. Emotional immaturity?? Yes, indeed!! All of the girls he was involved with were 40 years younger than he is.

    On a positive note -- HE made an appointment to go back to his therapist this week. We are also going to couples therapy with a completely different therapist - hopefully in the next 1-2 weeks. I've got to find someone who works with sex addiction issues along with all the other madness.

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    1. As awful as it is to discover you're dealing with sex addiction, in my case it gave me something of a roadmap for recovery. And the craziness suddenly made sense in the context of an addiction (if THAT makes any sense).
      As for meeting with his therapist, if it can help give you peace, then go for it. But I think it becomes really important (especially if you're dealing with addiction) not to micro-manage his recovery. It has to be HIS in order to stick. He has to own it. And you have to focus on your own healing.

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    2. Elle,

      Thanks for the advice about micro-manage. That is something that I have caught myself doing in other situations but did not think about it with HIMSELF and his recovery. I will definitely take that advice. I do indeed need all my resources to focus on my own healing.

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  16. Hi Terry, I don't know of this is here nor there, but this is why I think it's hard in counseling and maybe a counselor or therapist can help me out here--
    as far as I know-a therapist cannot disclose what has been told to them by anyone, even your partner, to you.
    They can urge them to tell the truth but they cannot disclose what has been said in their own private sessions.

    I had one therapist who I saw alone and then my then BF joined us for couples counseling. Then the B/F went to him alone for a few sessions. In my own private session he, the therapist, in a very subtle way, told me sometimes it is best just to walk away. The therapist obviously found out a few things I did not know in those sessions, and could not talk about it, and didn't SAY anything to that effect. I just KNOW that he was telling me there was much that I did not know and would probably never know from this narcissistic fellow and to RUN. and I did. I wish you a lot of luck as any type of addiction adds a whole new and awful dimension to all of this, and with so much on your plate already.

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    1. steam,
      You interpreted the therapist's words in almost the exact same way I interpreted them. When he kept saying that I did not have to live like this - I felt he was telling me to "get away from this guy". I even told HIMSELF after my meeting with HIS therapist that I had this feeling - just a feeling I could not shake that HIS therapist was trying to tell me something. I did not ask HIS therapist for this meeting - HIMSELF gave permission for this meeting at HIS therapist request.

      I'm still going to my own therapist and talking to my peer counselor 1-2 times per week by telephone.

      Tomorrow is hair day. After my therapy session -- I'm going to either get a hair cut or purchase a wig. My hair is falling out more and more - I went to use one of my favorite hair clips today and when I clamped it - it just almost fell out!! Yikes!! That clip was hard to close this time last year. Thanks for the post "steam" - it helps BIG TIME!!

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  17. Hi Elle,

    I was definitely one of those ladies who grew up in a terrible environment. Mom checked out very early because life wasn't kind to her. Dad was a womanizer and not involved at all. Mom was extremely bitter. Older brother sided with her to a fault, plus he never did any wrong. I learned to fend for myself. I learned to be extremely cautious. I always was the one that ended relationships to avoid heartache. I was very independent growing up.

    I never had images of being married and having a family. Never the fantasy of walking down the aisle in the perfect dress. Most of my friends had come from broken homes, it was the norm.

    Enter my husband. He came from a very different background. Parents still together. Most of his friends parents were still together and he barely knew anyone who had been divorced. He wanted a large family. I didn't want kids. He was born and raised Catholic, I was a religious mutt.

    We got married. I still wasn't sold on having kids. Just wasn't one of my dreams. I thought I wouldn't know how to mother or my kids would be miserable and have a bad childhood like I did. We have 3. And they have become my world. I try to put the first always. I have also become Catholic. Funny how things work out.

    I think my husband was very naive when we got married. His family really isn't very perfect at all. The are nice enough and his parents are still together. But they tent to be cold. And they tend to be judgmental. It was 'my way or the highway' when he was growing up. It's pretty much that way now. He learned to be quiet and just not say anything. I am seeing first hand now, that when something is wrong, out of place or embarrassing, you just learn to hide it. You smile and pretend nothing is wrong. Shhhhhhh, don't tell.

    Since finding out about my husband's affair, my world has been turned upside of course. I feel like I am in limbo. Things are calmer, but not resolved. I do wonder if or should I say when it's going to fall apart again. I had serious issues with PTSS until recently. The panic attacks are getting better. The triggers aren't as severe.

    The funny thing is, my therapy honed in on me fixing my self worth and self esteem. But once I got past the crippling pain, I realized the self esteem wasn't my problem. I really never had a self esteem issue. I have an issue with deceit, betrayal, dishonestly, and disrespect. I have trouble letting go of the past, not because I am saying of whoa is me, but because it pisses me off that he could do that. And that now I should just move on.

    My fear is that I am doing the wrong thing by staying. That my needs aren't being met and perhaps never will be if I stay. What kind of message am I sending the kids (who don't know, but may suspect, but will most likely find out one day)? When do you sacrifice too much of yourself to make something work? Sigh.

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    1. RDM,
      Your story could be mine. My husband's family sounds much like your husband's. My own family sounds much like yours. I have three kids, wasn't sure I wanted any.
      There is no right or wrong path through this. It really comes down to whether you think your life is richer with him in it, or not. You can never have a do-over re. your past. That won't change. And though I think we betrayeds often think that not kicking them out is somehow letting them "get away with it", I don't think anyone who has a shred of decency feels they "got away" with anything. The shame and remorse can be crippling.
      As for what you're showing your children, they may never know. But if you decide to stay and rebuild a solid marriage, you'd have shown them that forgiveness is possible. That we can screw up and learn from it. That second chances need to be well-deserved. Or, conversely, you can show them that you personally refuse to tolerate any deception. That's perfectly acceptable. To say that you, personally, couldn't live with someone who was capable of that. Either choice is equally valid but either, of course, has its cost/benefits to you and your children.
      It sounds as though you still have a lot of anger around what he did. That can take a long time to work through but know this: anger is generally a mask for hurt and fear. Not always. Sometimes I just get angry because the world is messed up and people do stupid things. But often, I'm angry because I'm terrified and it's easier to be mad than scared. Anger makes me feel more powerful. But it's an illusion.
      Make your choice from a place of peace, as much as possible. Then you'll make a choice that truly reflects what you want going forward and isn't an attempt to punish or protect. It will be truly a choice.

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    2. Hi Elle,

      Thanks for your kind words and insight. Our stories do seem to parallel. You definitely get it and have been there. My husband is not very forthcoming with the apologies or owning up. He doesn't ever bring it up and I feel like I am being a bummer if I want to talk. I think that is what keeps my wheel spinning. I need some kind of resolve and he wants to ignore it. I am sure it comes from his upbringing.

      I need reassurance, which is funny because I have never been terribly needy. I guess I do have a lot of un-vented angry. I try to just hold it all in because I am very practical. The level headed one. I tend to over think. My therapist said I should just live in the moment, but I am a planner and that doesn't work so well for me. :)

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  18. Hello RediscoverMe,

    I have wondered the same… And look forward to the responses. I do wonder, how long are you married? And how long was the affair? Did you find out on your own or did he tell you? Not that these answers have any bearing on whether you stay or whether you go… I guess it just pains a better picture for me. Reading your story you are obviously an amazing woman. How fortunate you are to have your children. Xxxxx

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    1. How to know whether you're compromising your own integrity? Or how to know if you're sacrificing "too much?" My therapist had this to say to me a few years ago: "You are responsible TO your husband but you are responsible FOR yourself." In other words, it's my job to show up in our marriage with honesty and integrity and kindness. But it's also my job to ensure my own safety and to not do things I resent for the sake of "peace". Honesty is the key piece here. If you can't be honest in your marriage about who you are, what you need and how you feel, then you're not safe. And without that safety, you can't build a marriage.

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    2. Melissa,

      Thank you for the kind words. 18 years married almost 20 together. It's been 9 months since discovery. And hey, I didn't fall apart yesterday just because it was the 13th. THAT's progress. :) Anyway, the affair was over 2 years. No, he did not tell me nor did he have any intention of telling me. Someone sent me an anonymous email letting me know he was having an affair, but was very vague. I confronted him and he didn't deny it. In hindsight, I wish I would have waited to observe a bit better first, but emotions and all. It was really ugly the first couple of days. He wouldn't tell me who. Said it didn't matter. Then I found out it was a guy. That he integrated into our family. That he said he met in a different way than he did. That he actually met because he posted an ad on Craig's list. And of course, I kept finding things out over the course of about 5 months.

      My first thought truly was to kick him out and I tried. He wouldn't go. As my head cleared a bit, I realized I didn't want to end up being the one to end things in anger and wind up bitter. I grew up with that. Although, my mom didn't throw my dad out. She begged him to stay and he peeled me off of his leg and left.

      I thought of my kids. And how hard I have worked to give them stability and a happier childhood than mine. They don't need my baggage to drag them down. They most certainly don't need to have daddy's poor choices and undetermined sexuality labeling them either. Not that there is anything wrong with that exactly, it all comes back to honesty and integrity. I drill that into the kids heads all the time. What happens to them when/if they learn daddy is way more human than they thought?

      I know I would be there for them. I hope he would be too. I am trying to give our relationship an honest go. It's hard. Much harder than ending it. I can see that he is trying to come around. I see it in the little things he does. I think he is remorseful, but I am not sure that it isn't more embarrassment over being caught. We've had talks about "how would you feel if the kids knew?" or it someone treated our girls like this? That seemed to get through to him a bit.

      Mine story is a bit more complex (or not) than some others. All are painful for sure. I find myself having a plan A and a plan B for everything now. I guess that's okay. Ultimately, things will work out one way or another, right?

      Delete
  19. Replies
    1. I think "pains" is perhaps more accurate. ;(

      Delete
  20. Here I am again, taking up all of the blog space ... I deliberately wanted to put this post under this particular title about fear and blossoming. My husband left yesterday… We are officially separated. It's a controlled separation with the intent to still work on the marriage. It scares the hell out of me. I know he's still addicted to her ... And I made him promise to come to me, in person, and tell me immediately… If he tries to reach out to her. And what does his promise mean two and a half months after D Day? Not a whole hell of a lot. But I'm just not ready to give up 21 years together and really a good marriage ... Not without its problems, and certainly full of potential. So, I work on myself… I work on my new business… And I do my best to get stronger every day. My friend just bought me the book by Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart - the first chapter is Intimacy With Fear. Yup, here I am in my full glory of fear of abandonment. This too, my soul needed.

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    Replies
    1. I LOVED that book. Melissa, you are doing great (and please don't ever think you're "taking up all the blog space". It's like oxygen. There's plenty for all of us). I know this hurts like hell. And proceeding without any real sense of how this will turn out is terrifying. But please be absolutely certain that YOU are going to be fine. He may or may not pull his head out of his ass...but your head is on straight and that will serve you well.

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    2. Melissa,

      I'm back too....I'm so sorry about the separation. I am sure that it's hard whether agreed, necessary, wanted or under any circumstances. Thinking of you and hoping it is what you both need to heal and move forward. Virtual hugs to you.

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  21. RDM
    I can so relate to what you are feeling. I could have written the same thing myself. I, too feel that I have no problems with self-esteem. I have feel that I have live my life like a open book. No lies, deceit or hiding who I am from anyone. Kinda like take me as I am or not at all. I know that I am fiercely protective of the people I love and loyal to a fault! I am not scared of confrontation and still feel so much anger that Due to circumstances of disclosure, (H didnt admit to affair until 1 year later) I wasnt given a chance to deal with all parties involved. I have so much anger still. I look at my h and I see a weak man. I sometimes wonder if I know him at all. I struggle with how I feel about him. I am so conflicted. Do I stay or cut my losses. I don't feel that same about him. I am still so angry and as Elle says anger dos not bring power. It is a illusion . I know that but it is still eating me up . My sister tells me that someone people will never be able to forgive. She thinks that I will not be able to, just cause of who I am and how much I have always valued loyalty. Maybe, she is right. I don't know. Forgiveness is hard. I see him fighting for the marriage but I don't trust who he is. I don't know if he has any conscience or integrity. I went to bed ladt night and thought I had it all figured out. I want to live with him on my terms. I want him to love me, and vice versa. I want to allow my self to heal and become strong. Go back to the gym, go out with my friends, become that happy strong women, I have always been. I think I know I have to disconnect from constantly checking up on him and making him the centre of my life I need to start living again, and if I am not ready now to close the door, I can start to regain my life again, by refusing to let his stupid, selfish choices ruin my life. I figured I will tell him this today. I will give our marriage a year. We haven't been to therapy but that is next. We need to get out of this war zone. I need to let go of anger and self pity. I need to start to live again. The ball has to be put back into his corner. I am not his keeper or his mother. He is getting a second chance but it is up to him to live his life with honesty and integrity. Its not my problem. I am writing this down, so I can come back here and hopefully know that i have done the right thing. Life is about taking risks, I guess. Staying with my H is probably the greatest risk I will ever take but its not a forever thing. He has the chance to redeem himself and win back my love. If he is not up to the task, then maybe then is the time you can walk away!
    Thanks
    RECLAIM MY LIFE

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    Replies
    1. Reclaim,
      I too found myself thinking of my husband as "weak". I lost a lot of respect for him. I value loyalty.
      I think your plan to begin focusing more on you is a good one. He will either rise to the challenge of redeeming himself or he won't. You monitoring him won't make a bit of difference in terms of his character. What's more, by focussing on yourself and your own healing, you might just feel much of the anger dissolve. You might just notice that you're empowering yourself.

      Delete
    2. Reclaim,

      I definitely feel where you are and where you are coming from. I hate everyday that I am made to deal with consequences from choices I had nothing to do with. Not to say that I am a perfect wife, mother, person etc. I know I am quite involved with the kids, but someone had to be. I enabled my husband to come and go as he pleased.....everyday. How nice it must be to be able to wake up and just go. He said he thought I didn't care because I was always busy. Hmmm, flip side, housework, laundry, homework for 3, driving 3 kids everywhere, grocery shopping, cooking, and working. Just a laugh a minute...oh and balancing our budget. He said he didn't feel needed. Trust I needed help, I just got very self sufficient. It comes down to communication. We still have a long way to go on that. It may be too little too late. We have our patterns. He would prefer NOT to talk and I am always looking for the RIGHT time to talk. We are learning slowly about changing some of those habits. Time, it takes times.

      You are right, it is risky. We are putting ourselves right out there. And it sinks. But, I feel like I have to try. For me. For the kids. I have to know that I did what I could.

      Your plan sounds like a good one. We'll all back you if/when you need a pep talk. :)

      Delete
  22. Elle,
    "Make your choice from a place of peace" Words of wisdom that should speak to all of us who are grappling with whether to leave or stay. I never really thought

    about it that way before but of course how can we make life changing decisions while going through the trauma of betrayal. It might be a long journey to find that place of peace but I guess the time invested in a 30 year marriage is worth the effort to see if I can find that place before I make my decision.
    thank you

    ReplyDelete

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