Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Impact of Infidelity

When we discover that someone we trusted can be trusted no longer, it forces us to reexamine the universe, to question the whole instinct and concept of trust. For a while, we are thrust back onto some bleak, jutting ledge, in a dark pierced by sheets of fire, swept by sheets of rain, in a world before kinship, or naming, or tenderness exist; we are brought close to formlessness.” ~ Adrienne Rich, On Lies, Secrets and Silence

Cheating is everywhere – in songs, in movies, in books, in our workplaces, our neighborhoods. And yet we rarely see the consequences of cheating. We might hear of the divorce and the reason behind it. Or we might know, through whispers, that someone is dealing with a spouse's affair, though we're more likely to see the brave face than the tear-streaked one. 
Hiding the true impact of infidelity, however, makes it seem so much more benign than it is, so much more matter-of-fact. Less mind-blowing than mundane. Ho-hum, another cheating spouse. Tell me something new.
And then it happens to us and our world blows apart. Which leaves us with this bizarre disconnect between what the world seems to think of infidelity (it happens, get over it) and the devastation it wreaks on us, our families, our friends, our work. 
As Adrienne Rich puts it: "It forces us to reexamine the universe."
It's perhaps the biggest misconception about infidelity. That it's about sex. 
Infidelity is about being forced to examine our place in the universe. Our perceptions of the world. Is the world a safe place? Who can we believe? Who am I? And, so so often, just who the hell is he? Who is this stranger I'm married to who behaved in a way I could have never imagined? 
To underestimate this impact is to misunderstand infidelity. Or, perhaps, to have never (yet) experienced it. 
There is no way around this, of course. We can leave the marriage, which is a perfectly viable option. We can choose to stay and rebuild a second marriage with our first husband, another perfectly viable option. We can sweep it under the proverbial rug and step around it or over it or under it, though that's not such a viable option.
But, to truly heal from it, we must go through it. We must perch on Rich's "bleak, jutting ledge" and acknowledge how deep the injury goes. But then we must slowly pull ourselves back, examining all the while what this means to us, how it impacts who we are, and honoring what we need to move forward in our lives. We must learn that we can – and should – trust ourselves. Infidelity thrusts us onto that ledge. But we don't have to stay there. 
It is my hope that, someday, infidelity is recognized as the cancer it is, and treated much the same way. With treatment and concern, casseroles and compassion. That it's publicly acknowledged and examined so that those of us affected by it don't have to perch on that ledge alone. That there's support and strength from those who recognize the true impact of infidelity and aren't afraid to reach out a hand.

47 comments:

  1. Not afraid to reach out a nonjudgmental, full of advice, loving hand.

    Please!

    Thanks AGAIN Elle!

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    1. WOW, just plain WOW!! Oh yeah and THANKS -- again!!

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    2. Yet again, a wonderful blog post. Thank you. Having the wider society recognise and treat infidelity for the painful reality that it is would be such a step in the right direction. Thinking that it is just about sex is so simplistic. The layers of deep rooted emotions that the act of betrayal digs up for betrayed spouses are complex and profound. Any firm ground that we thought we were standing on in our lives just falls away. Like you suggest, leaving us perched at the very edge of a ledge. Its so good to have helping hands here in this lonely and frightening place.

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    3. Infidelity feels like a dirty little secret. My telling others is not to shame my husband or to receive pity but to bring the secret into the light. I live life with nothing hidden so this goes against my own moral code. Maybe someday speaking about infidelity will not bring the stigma of shame but healing.

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    4. That's exactly how I feel, Deby K. On the one hand, I feel complicit in our cultural shaming of those of us betrayed because I have kept it relatively under wraps (I operate this site under a pseudonym, for instance. My children have no idea...). On the other, our culture tends to be judgemental of people who cheat as liars and narcissists so telling people would impact both my and my husband's careers, our children's lives, etc. Damned if we do...damned if we don't.

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  2. Yes Elle. Yes!

    And I want public service announcements… Kind of like the ones you see about drugs or about alcohol or about gambling… There should be public service announcements warning of the dangers of infidelity.

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    1. Yes! Remember those old "Do you know where your children are?" ads for smoking/drinking? How about "Do you know where your spouse is?" for infidelity. :)

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  3. Yes!!!

    How can we force this angle into the mainstream? Every thing out there on infidelity talks about everything else but this.
    Certainly, us betrayed have to be able to talk about it without name-calling our spouses and the affair partner. What is our experience? How have our souls been shattered? How would be like to be supported in regaining the ground beneath us? How do we get better understanding from friends and family?

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    1. Such important questions. And you're right. We have to take some responsibility for contributing to the culture of shame with our name-calling, slut-shaming, etc. of OW and our partners.
      Asking how we need to be supported is a crucial step that few of us stop to think about. Until we need it...and recognize that the support isn't automatically there.

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    2. Well I sorta agree on this aspect and I sorta don't. I'm not interested in having the OWs of the world called sluts. I don't honestly believe that "slut" is the appropriate name-call for her as it would be beneath me and my ethics, and it simplifies and underestimates her role in what happened. The fact of the matter is, she's an asshole and I'm not above calling her that because it's reflective of her shitty selfish behavior and narcissistic tendencies. And I know that there's many more where she came from. But in a society that's gotten more permissive of affair partners and has chosen to believe the lapse in logic (like I had) that pretends she had nothing to do with this, it sucks when the only people who agree the affair partner shares responsibility are willing to slut-shame. In other words, the cultural narrative sucks, and it's one I don't want to be associated with because I don't believe in shaming female sexuality and I know that it's the things that hurt people knowingly and/or deliberately that are morally wrong. But it's easier for everyone else be simplistic and, yet again as stated above about cheating overall, focus on the actual sex part of the equation. Too often I find that I want to slap people on both sides of this because one is saying that being a direct participant in something that hurts another person is nothing to be ashamed of, and the other is crying SLUT, BURN THE WITCH. And no one acknowledges the simple concept of integrity, or lack thereof.

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    3. I do agree with you, 'better half'. There is however one more aspect I would like to add. And I know about it because I was there. That aspect refers to the lack of public knowledge and countless misconceptions about infidelity. Many many many years ago I was the OW. For a very short time, but I was. The guilt I carry because of this is sometimes overwhelming. But what I would like to say about it is that I had no idea. I had no idea. I grew up thinking that affairs are results of unhappy marriages. That people who cheat have horrible spouses, and they are miserable in their marriages and they have affairs with other people they truly love (and if they don't leave their spouses it's because they are so decent or because they love their children so much! UGH). Movies and books were full of that kind of messages. Think Anna Karenina. Mean/boring spouse and reckless choice or necessity made too young on one side and on the other - love of your life. This is how I saw it. I am not excusing, I am explaining the mechanism. Kind of like you start smoking cigarettes because you don't know they are addictive and you don't know they cause cancer. All you know is that the smoke bothers some people. This is a different kind of decision making process to the one with the knowledge of - if I start smoking I can get addicted and not be able to stop, and I can get cancer. This is why public announcements/warnings about what infidelity really is, the havoc that it wrecks, lives that it can destroy or forever change would be so crucial...... I had no idea. 10 commandments were not enough. I wish I knew the true story behind it. And I think this could be the first most important step on the way to limit the amount of infidelity. Raise the awareness -infidelity has nothing to do with the quality of marriage and infidelity hurts like nothing else so if you are engaging in it you are going to hurt someone badly, beyond your imagination badly. Last but not least misconception - if the spouse doesn't know about it it won't hurt them. Another huge lie. Infidelity is like cancer. It slowly (or quickly) chews on the body of marriage, gradually destroying it.... It affects closeness, intimacy while it lasts. It is like a wedge in the relationship. There is no room for 3 in marriage, even if the 3rd person is only in your brain (aka emotional affair) So not knowing about being cheated on does not make things ok. There is even a frigging saying in my language: "what eyes don't see, the heart cannot ache about". UGH. Again - I wish I knew..... It was many years ago and I still feel pangs of guilt almost daily. I hate myself for being part of hurting an innocent person in any way. Having said that - while there are some women like me, who with the better knowledge and understanding of the mechanism might have abstained, there are many who do not care. Who are truly predatory and have this concept that I read in so many places - "I am not the one who vowed anything". Interestingly I have not read men (other men) saying that it is only the wife who cheats that should be blamed. Maybe because men write less. Anyway. I wish I knew. I wish I was told the truth not sold romantic stories glamorizing an affair. Think Bridges of Madison County. When I saw it the first time I so wanted her to open that car door!!!! Today I even feel guilty about that. There are very few movies that show the pain of the aftermath. At best the spouse is shown as a raging lunatic full of anger and revenge. Hardly ever the pain is shown. And even if it is (think brilliant Emma Thompson in "Love Actually") it goes away just like that and everybody is happy again. As long as the public keeps being fed that image the number of affairs is not going to drop.

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  4. Elle,

    Thanks for another interesting piece. Coming out of the shadows of infidelity takes courage, doesn't it. It brings to mind the Shadow Self and its love of Image cause let's face it, we have public selves and private ones we most often never share especially if we're carrying that toxic shame from our families of origin. Too darn hard to let the floodlight shine on dad or mom's mental illness, or alcohol or drug addiction, or whatever else. Remember to shssss, don't tell. Let the neighbors think we're OK cause that hides the shame. Yet John Bradshaw ( Family Secrets) says that those unhealthy behaviors can be changed. And of course, Pittman says lies are never a good thing especially about infidelity. But how to not feel judged if you are brave enough to tell that is the million dollars question. Perhaps it is simply to reach the point where you can say I really don't care what you think cause life it too darn short. And honestly you can't really understand any of it until you walk a proverbial mile in the shoes of the betrayed.

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    1. All true. I remember the liberation I felt when I began speaking (and writing) openly about my mother's alcoholism. She was sober 25 years when she passed away so there had been much healing. And...I also waited until she was dead for the most open of my published essays. Not because I didn't want to tell, but because I didn't want her to have to feel any shame. Though, frankly, I don't think she would have.

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  5. It is such a terribly lonely ledge to stand on too! Even when surrounded by a thousand "friends", I've only told a couple people in the entire world but I don't want to be a burden to them by talking about it all the time. I also don't want them just bad-mouthing my ass of a spouse either. We are starting the process of divorce but still very few people know. Maybe I won't be so lonely after that is common knowledge. Until then, I often feel I could choke on my feelings. On the verge of tears almost constantly...I rarely have time to be alone with my thoughts, and when I do, I'm not sure I want to be alone with them. I feel so unstable and like I can't even trust myself anymore. I question everything. I feel like the past 14 years have been a lie...
    Brandi

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    1. Brandi,
      I know exactly how you feel. You can trust yourself… yes, your world is shaken, yet you really do know who you are. And you are a good person… You did not have an affair. And the last 14 years were not a lie. You had and have a life outside of your husband…and even the life with your husband, It was not a lie. I struggled with this immensely when I first found out about my husband's 4 1/2 year affair ... he assured me that when he loved me and we were having a good time, he loved me and we were having a good time. And when he was angry with me, he was angry with me, that too was reality. Men and women see this whole thing very differently. Whereas men are able to compartmentalize, and especially unhealthy men…they put you in a box, they put their job in a box, they put their affair partner in a box and none of the boxes ever meet. Until of course D-Day.
      Women see their lives and activities and the people in their lives as intertwined. It was truly my psychologist who helped me to see this the best… During one of our sessions I was crying and crying and saying that it was all a lie…and she said to me were you there? And I said yes and she said to me did it happen? And I said yes and she said… It wasn't a lie. Everything that happened in your life, including that which happened with your husband, was reality and it was truth… For you, and that is all that matters.
      And finally Brandi, I'm not sure if this will help… But there are two wonderful books, one is called A Return to Love and one is called Seat of the Soul and both have the same message… That our souls are meant to go through trials and tribulations in our lives so that they can come out stronger on the other side. You know, deep down you know, you will be a stronger woman because of this experience. I am now reading another book called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron and so far her message has been to feel your feelings, especially fear... to become comfortable with fear, to become curious about fear.
      Be gentle and kind to yourself Brandi… You deserve it. And if I knew where you were… I 'd come and give you hugs. Xxx. :-)

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    2. Brandi,
      Please know that this stage of unbalance will pass. Divorce is difficult under the best (!!) of circumstances. It's hell when it's the result of betrayal. Your life has not been a lie. That will also become more clear as you move through this. It has contained some painful lessons, for sure. As a psychologist I read about recently put it, "There is no failure, only data." You've got some really important information about yourself and about people that will serve you going forward. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It just means that pain can transform you.
      Try and find time to get still with yourself. You'll learn that those thoughts are just...thoughts. They'll ebb and flow. They don't have any more power than you give them.
      And when you've been able to get still with yourself, you'll realize that you can trust yourself. It's the only thing you've ever been able to trust. That's true for every single one of us on this planet.
      Hang in there, Brandi. You'll get there.

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    3. I am so sorry you are going through this. It has been 2yrs since my Dday and I have tried and tried and no matter what I do or we do (my husband and I) doesn't seem to help me. He cheated on me for revenge and payback. I admit I too had cheated yrs before he did and he thought I was doing it again which I wasn't, so he should of made sure I was and then left me or divorced me because that probably would of hurt me less than what he did! To top it off he also hit on my own cousin. That just crossed the line a little too much for me! But I tried and tried for my daughter to have a family and I can't anymore I just can't do it!! We live together but as roomates, he hates it. He doesn't want that but there is nothing he can do about it. My emotional gauge is totally broken and he just did things to make me fall out of love with him. Now I don't feel anything, I can think but I can't feel. Its just the way he did things for revenge and payback and me reading those words he emailed to OW that hurt the most. I understand we all can wonder off and things can happen just because but to plan it is another thing. That hirts me a lot knowing that those actions towards me weren't love. I understand anger, leaving, and all the feelings about cheating but revenge and payback are the worst to me. That isn't love. You don't "plan" revenge and payback on someone you love and you want to maybe have a chance with to stay with forever! I cheated too I know I understand, I was sorry and making up for it like crazy and he pretended to forgive to love me to be happy and behind my back he was planning revenge and payback! Wow just Wow! Im glad it was worth it, his whole purpose in life was revenge and payback on me. That's nice, now he lost eveything with me including the love I had for him....

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  6. I love this post. ;) It states perfectly that feeling of I'm not safe anymore that people feel when they first found out...it's a feeling that never really leaves but we learn strength to quelch it and keep it restrained where it belongs. In that "feeling category" where all things are just that a "feeling" not reality. Someone is reading this wondering what they should do. Maybe d-day just happened or is newer in the first year on finding out. Sweetheart it gets better. Tons better once you allow yourself to feel the pain and learn it's a "feeling" one that must be worked through but isn't a permanent reality if we don't allow it to be. If we pull every ounce of anything left inside us and focus on what is wonderful around us, not what is wrong in the world that we had never truly noticed before d-day, we will learn to live really live again. I know for a fact it gets better I'm walking proof of it. And so is Elle, Steam, The Pilot's Wife,Ella Disenchanted and all the wonderful men and women including my momma that have walked in these shoes. Yes, we know how often this happens and it was a shocker for me when I found out even a wonderful guy friend of mine had suffered through this twice.... It's just not right, but know it isn't you. Your pretty enough, smart enough, and everything else you don't feel like you will ever measure up to. You are perfect in every way. When you look in the mirror and stare.... I know I did.... Tears running down your face.... Believe in every word of this, because you are "WONDERFUL" and should be treated as such. A perfectly made, from God himself, specimen of what a true woman is. She is strong, full of character and dignity. Never willing to compromise, and always willing to be an example of what a true woman should be. There is no need to go begging for attention in the wrong way, because we demand attention just by the way we graciously enter a room. Full of strength, integrity and beauty. I love you girls for all you have done for me. I was away for 14 months healing and I thank God everyday for helping me find you guys. Lots of love!
    -Ann from Texas

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    1. We're glad you found us too, Ann from Texas. Such a beautiful post. Thank-you.

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  7. Hi Elle,
    I look forward to each of your posts, but this one in particular stood out to me. Would you mind if I reblogged it?
    -Emma

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  8. Hi Elle,
    I love this post. Would you mind if I reblogged it?
    -Emma

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    1. Hi Emma,

      I would be delighted. Even moreso if you linked to this site. Thanks!

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  9. It's intetesting you say about songs and movies! All my life for over 50 years, I know now that I never really got completely what was being said! The words are so clear now. Have all those song and script writers experienced betrayal? How else have they put into words something that I only now understand?

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    1. Jane,
      I find that with many things. For instance, I dated a man in my twenties who always called me from work. I didn't have his home phone number. It was casual so I never really questioned it. And frankly, I wasn't nuts about him -- he was always very "handsy" -- so it fizzled. YEARS later (post D-Day), the light went on. Oh my goodness...he was MARRIED. Duh!

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  10. This is a wonderful post, and so true. If only the cheaters thought about the extent of the immense hurt that their betrayal will cause BEFORE they act on it. Why do people not think about the hurt they are causing others by their actions....I really don't understand.
    Jane, I find that also, songs that I used to sing to because the melody was nice now have so much more meaning that I never realized before. As previously said by many, you don't realize the absolute torture betrayal is until you have walked that walk.
    My husband has General Anxiety Disorder and as the months go on and I am able to slowly talk to him more about what he did without him having an attack, he is starting to realize that this is not an easy fix and his choices have destroyed the lives that we previously enjoyed.....now to put it back together and try to build a new life together, hopefully one that is stronger and better than what we thought we had previously. I wish there was a blog that we could read where the betrayers post about how they are feeling after seeing the extent of the damage their betrayal has caused.

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    1. Anne,
      Steam has noted a few, but there's also a thread on Surviving Infidelity. Some of the long-timers over there are really smart and compassionate and completely own the damage they've caused. It might help to read their posts. Click on "Wayward Side".

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  11. Anne I have one that I have not looked at in a long time. There is no way to know if this is going on in the hearts of all betrayers, but it's something https://comebacktomeerin.wordpress.com/

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  12. There is another site that is written by a cheater… His name is Jack, from Florida. He no longer blogs on it but has a lot of articles and previous blogs. Some of it frankly is a little upsetting to me as a betrayed spouse… Yet it is from the perspective of the wayward spouse i.e. the cheater and some of it is very interesting. It is affairadvice.wordpress.com

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  13. Elle, (and every amazing person on this website). "Cheating is everywhere and Rarely do we see the consequences." (Only wish someone like Brene Brown would produce a special report on "Cultural Shame," felt by Betrayed Men and Women. As said (UNTIL it happens to you) "Ho Hum."

    Had my spouse NOT been "Caught" we would have ended divorced (and not known - why?) Believing he was "Entitled," (He cheated "because he could") and "If no one knows it won't hurt," Won't hurt his children - Won't hurt his wife. A "Parallel life," and way of separating and distancing. And greatest Lie of all "IT HAD NO MEANING."

    My long marriage never had a chance and when the "Bomb" went off I was "Blindsided." Realizing everything was a lie. No real intimacy or authenticity just a shallow play. All these years? Where was I? And upon further discovery found a great backlash as, "The Betrayed Wife."

    My husband was our family Hero and (of course) I blamed myself and suddenly in the land of researching, "Myths of Monogamy, Adultery, Infidelity, Cheaters, Songs, Movies, Websites, Books, Billboards, finding old words with new meanings and ways to mitigate pain like, "Triggers." And a world of therapy & terminology.

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    1. Valkyrie,
      I'm curious about your experience with backlash as "The Betrayed Wife". Can you share more?

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    2. Elle, for some reason this true account comes to mind.

      After 50 years of marriage a woman accidentally finds out that her husband has been conducting an affair for the entire duration of their marriage. By keeping up with a married High School Sweetheart.

      The wife asks him

      "Why?"

      He responds

      "I only went to her when you weren't around it means nothing to me, sex with you is better anyway and I'll drop her immediately."

      Then the wife asks

      "What would you do if I did that to you?"

      To which he replies

      "Oh, that's easy. I'd divorce you."

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  14. D-Day
    "Discovery," Bomb
    Fall out from betrayal
    PTSD
    Shrapnel
    Tsunami
    Intimacy Terrorists
    Human Mate Poachers
    The Unseen Traumatic Toxic Energies being exchanged by infidels
    Criminal - Self - Interest

    Elle, like you I hope the world around us opens up discussion with greater interest and compassion and treat it like an earth cancer

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  15. Elle, what can I say that I havn't said before, you write with such strength and passion. Where would we all be without you and this site. You are 'simply the best' I might just get you a badge stating that 😊. You got me through one of the worst experiences of my life and I'll never forget that. Thank you so much. Xxx

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    1. Sam A,
      You all have seen me through some pretty dark moments too so it goes both ways. That said, I am absolutely delighted to feel as though this site has been of service to you. As I get older, it becomes more and more clear to me that there is no higher goal to be of service to others.

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    2. Thank you thank you thankyou! for this blog and this post. "Close to formlessness"... oh god yes. I learned the big news four days ago, and after reading here for a while, I feel I can at least take a breath.

      We have been married for 22 years, with a 21 and a 17 year-old. Something had been very wrong for a while. My husband is a musician, so unfortunately, bars and clubs and very late nights are part of the gig. About 18 months ago, he earned himself a cocaine habit. During that time he became nearly repulsive to me. He partied with girls not much older than our daughter~ embarrassing to me, but I think even they felt he was too old for them (ha!) and I still don't believe he did much else with them. He got some counseling and quit the blow, but right around then, he hurt his finger and went for physical therapy. He started a relationship with his doctor.

      She's 7 years younger than me, 16 years younger than him. She makes twice as much as he, and I've been a full-time mother and freelance artist (no $ there). This part is a little strange~ she's engaged to a woman. I'm a full champion of LGBTQ rights and know sexuality is fluid, but shit, could Little Miss Bi-curious not have found a single man to try? Anyway, no kids and no worries, she's everything I'm not. I feel he exchanged the coke addiction for addiction to her. They have been/were(?) together for 8 months. He broke it off for a few weeks after 2 months because her parents were coming to visit and she asked him what THEY were going to tell them (haha awkward!). But he went back to her. Over the last few months, I saw texts from "Dr J" which, weirdly enough, is a nickname for his old dealer. I assumed he was using again and confronted him four days ago, but man was I wrong.

      He broke it off with her yesterday. I heard him crying and sobbing down the hall the night before he told her, and I wanted to be happy he was hurting, but I still could not. He says he knows they wouldn't have lasted together~ they have no common interests and she wants to move back as soon as she can to a city that he can't stand (we've lived there before). He also thinks she could leave him for a woman (I'm trying to find the dark humor in any of this). So, he says he wants to be with me. I don't know why the hell I still love even a small part of him, but I guess I do because I'm still here.

      I was a naive, small town southern girl when I met him. My mom and dad are still crazy about each other. A few years ago I never thought this would happen and I'm still trying to believe it did. If we stay together, I don't know how I'm going move through this. He wants to see a marriage counselor, that she's gone and that he loves me, so I guess we go from here.

      Thank you for a place to feel safe, a new tribe of sisters. I pray that someday when I have my shit together, I can give someone the advice and compassion that I've felt here.
      <3 Kris

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    3. Kris, just when I thought nothing would surprise me....... His lesbian doctor, really? Nice. You would think a doctor would hold herself to a higher standard not to mention that whole doctor/patient responsibility thing. What a POS she is ~~~ crossing that line with a married man.

      I'm sorry you find yourself here but glad you found us. Stay strong!

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    4. Kris,
      Wow. I thought my story was nuts. You sound incredibly sane in the midst of this insanity. I'm so sorry for how much you're hurting. I suspect there's a fair bit of shock there too.
      Give yourself time to sort through what you really want going forward. It sounds as though he's a rather impuslive/compulsive personality, eager to now work on his marriage. What do YOU want right now? Do you need some time to sift through all this? Do you want to start marriage counselling right now? Between the cocaine addiction and this, there's been a whole lot of pain and abandonment for you.
      As you've undoubtedly discerned from this site, I absolutely think marriages can survive and grow better post-betrayal. But I also think that each of us has to really figure out which is the right path for us.
      Glad you found us, your "tribe of sisters". Keep posting and keep reading. We'll be happy to have the benefit of your hard-won wisdom and compassion once you're feeling on more solid ground.

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  16. Kris,

    Cynthia Lenon recently died and I sat in my car and cried listening to an old interview with her and Terry Gross. She was asked after John left her for Yoko "Did you follow them and his career?" she repsonded by saying "You have to understand that just because he left me that didnt' mean that I didn't love him anymore. " She was gracious to a fault. (Something I could never be). On the day I heard her interview I coined another expression for myself and the ceaseless fear I have that some younger woman is always lurking to make that offer and win my own husband away.

    My "Yoko" moment.

    Sound like you...and almost every woman I know in this situation feels just the same way in that we "Really love these men." with our whole hearts and it's genuine.

    And Elle is so wise and thoughtful as many here...... we do have each other in this journey and we are not faint of heart and we earn our angel wings.

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    1. Valkyrie,
      Your "Yoko" moment. Love it.
      I t think it's important, however, to be careful that we're not letting our love for another eclipse our loyalty to ourselves. I empathize with those whose betrayal is played out publicly (ie. John Lennon and so many other public figures) because I think it's important, at some point, to let go of that old life and move forward. To not continue to harm ourselves by constant reminders of the betrayal. For those of us who've stayed, it's important -- not immediately but eventually -- to put the betrayal well and truly in the past and focus on the now. For those who've been left, or who choose to leave, I think it's even more important to stay present and look to the future instead of always reminiscing about what might have been. What we have is right now, in front of us. It's all we've ever had and all we ever will. Right now. Right here.

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  17. Thank you for the responses and support. <3 I'm thinking more clearly but feel broken. I think it can get better. I want to stay and he does too. We're researching therapists now. I realize he had to find someone even more fucked up than he is~ that's how this goes, right?

    She is still engaged, date is still set for this November. Both of their facebook pictures are of them hugging and the ring and all, venue booked, people have bought stuff from their registry. A woman is planning her wedding to this asshole, and she's letting her do it. I think I would have been totally justified in telling her last week when I was more crazy, but I don't want any part of them now. If she calls or texts him though, all bets are off.

    I want to be above feeling like that. The women in my family all seem proud of their age, knowing they've become more beautiful and wiser and more loved with time. All mothers want to raise strong daughters that make smart choices. I led a Girl Scout troop for 10 years to help girls feel empowered. I want to feel like that again.

    My husband does have a "real" day job, works from home. For years I thought his music thing was his escape world and supported him in every way. When the kids were younger, he always put their/family activities first, I loved what playing brought out in him and was so proud of him. I always gave him plenty of space and guy time, but I'm always there when I can be (not school/work nights, only once a weekend, sometimes twice now that our son is 17). His bandmates' wives are some of my closest friends. I designed posters and stickers and work their merchandise table. There's sort of a close-knit community of musicians where we live, I've made an effort to get to know his friends, support and even network for him. I've made artwork for many of them, always keeping working relationships glaringly innocent (always asking about or passing on a message to their wife or girlfriend, or mentioning my husband). We've always talked about how much we love that part of our life that we created together. He said she never would have gone to one of his shows because everyone there would hate her for it, and that's probably true.

    We have SO much to work through, but I feel like I can begin now. Elle & ladies, thank you again for your wisdom and compassion. I'll be around! <3 Kris



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    1. Kris,
      I'm glad the earth under your feet is feeling a bit more solid. It sounds as if you two have built a really great life for yourselves. And yes, sometimes it does take someone ever more fucked up to bring everything to a head. Was certainly the situation in my case. (Though I think it's a coin toss between whether my husband earns the "most fucked up" crown or the OW.)
      I applaud your recognition that women, with time and wisdom and empathy, become powerful and beautiful. That's absolutely true. In a culture, however, that worships smooth skin and tiny waists over lessons learned and a mother's curves, it can be tough. Especially when it seems our husbands get sucked in. It's important, however, to remind ourselves that it's rarely the woman herself who's appealing -- it's what she represents. And what she represents is often excitement, fantasy, escape, a reflection of himself that's intoxicating.
      And Kris, you will feel like your old self again. I feel like a slightly better version -- a bit less innocent, a bit more compassionate. A bit less likely to overlook other's transgressions. A bit more forgiving when people (and I) screw up. They key, I think, to surviving betrayal is to always do everything it takes to keep yourself rooted. Therapy. Friends. Art. Nature. Sharing our stories.

      Delete
  18. To the women who wrote about ur life my being a lie. That is so true. I think we all feel that way certainly in the beginning-- that his feelings were a lie, our life together was a lie. But it wasn't. He wasn't pretending to love me or pretending to be their when our kids were born or when we went on vacation etc. if we can realize that I think it goes a long way towards healing. Thank u for writing that.

    Sam

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    1. yep, Sam. I think that's so true. Thank-you for writing that.

      Delete
  19. I love, love, love this post. So true. Infidelity is a cancer that destroys

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  20. Yes! I love this post so very much!

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