Monday, November 30, 2015

From the Vault: Five Ways We Hurt Ourselves After His Affair

[THIS OLDIE BUT GOODIE REMAINS THE MOST-READ POST ON THIS SITE BUT COMMENTS HAVE EXCEEDED MY COMPUTER'S ABILITY TO READ THEM. FOR THAT REASON, I'M RE-POSTING SO WE CAN START A NEW COMMENT THREAD.]

Infidelity is excruciating. Never in my dreams did I imagine how excruciating. Like most women, I had talked about what I'd do if I found out my husband cheated. My friends and I, when we heard of someone having an affair, would inevitably say to each other, "Well, if my husband ever did that, I'd show him the door so fast..." We imagined we'd wipe our hands of the scumbag, throw his stuff on the front lawn and be done with it. At no point did I imagine years of therapy, anti-depressants, and a stack of books on my bedside table that covered everything from forgiveness to sex addiction.
Life has a way of messing with my plans.
I've learned, however, that though I clearly couldn't control what choices my husband had made (oh, if I could have!!) I could learn to control myself. I say learn to control myself because I'd never really thought of it that way before. I'd always operated from the "I am what I am" school of thought. That my responses to life were the result of some personality lottery, and I received a rather impetuous, emotional, mercurial one. So when I knocked a television off a table to indicate just how angry I was with my husband well...how could I control that? I was fiery.
Ummm....no.
Over the years following discovery of my husband's cheating, I began to recognize just what I could control (actions). And what I couldn't (feelings). By controlling actions I can so often better manage feelings. I can keep them from galloping away, and taking me with  them. The goal, of course, isn't to turn into some sort of automaton whose feelings are experienced with precision and control. It's to get to a place of healthy healing, where you can feel all your emotions – joy, pain, fear, excitement – without acting in ways that aren't consistent with your values.
Unfortunately when we're in such emotional pain we can lose sight of what we can and cannot control. The part of our brain that performs the so-called executive functions has been hijacked by the part of our brain that focuses on pure survival, our reptilian brain. And by survival, I'm not referring to scrapping it out with our five-year-old over the last piece of pizza because we're starving...but rather emotional survival, a craving to understand just exactly what the threat is that we're dealing with so that we can be prepared for it. It's a rational impulse. But our ways of achieving it can be irrational. Julie Gottman calls at least some of our behaviour PTSD and had this to say in a New York Times story about deception: "When secrets emerge ... the partner suffers profoundly. Post-traumatic stress disorder is the result — being battered by unwanted intrusive thoughts about the betrayal, nightmares, emotional numbing coupled with unpredictable explosions, sleep disturbances and hyper-vigilance as the partner or spouse searches for yet some other betrayal."
Consider these five ways we hurt ourselves in the name of "survival".

Pain shopping (or asking the same questions over and over and over and...): Most of us, when we finally get proof (or an admission) of cheating from our spouses are flooded with questions. How did this happen? When? Where did they meet? What did they do? Did he meet her friends? Did other people know? What does she look like? Where does she work? Does she wear high heels? Is she vegetarian? and on and on and on, until our poor brains simply can't absorb the volume of information and our spouses can't even keep track of the details.
The need to know is crucial and valid. For too long, we've been outside the door of the affair with no awareness of what's going on behind it. In order for a marriage to heal (or you to heal on your own), it really does help to open the door and have the chance to take a look around. But – and it's a big but – at a certain point you have all the information you really need. The rest is pain shopping.

Digging for "evidence" of an affair he's already admitted: My husband came clean fairly quickly about his affair. Within 24 hours I knew pretty much everything I needed to know. Did that stop me from rifling through his drawers, his phone records, his VISA statements and anything else I could get my hands on? Of course it didn't. I was like some sort of crazed forensics expert, pouring over everything as if it could doubly confirm what I already knew. Did I discover anything crucial? Nope. Not a thing. Sure I saw some receipts for dinners out with her. But given that I already knew they'd slept together on a number of occasions, what did it matter that he felt obliged to buy her a steak? I already knew at that point he was a liar and a cheater...everything else was a matter of degree. Do yourself a favor. Find out what you need to know to paint the big picture. Then stop. At this point you're distracting yourself from actually feeling the pain of what you now know. You can't dam up that flood of emotions no matter how long you spend looking at receipts. 

Staying in contact with the Other Woman: I sent the OW a Christmas card (my D-Day was December 11) in which I included a photo of my husband and our kids, along with a note about how I knew how much she'd "done" for our family. It was the type of card that, had she taken it to my husband's and her employer, would make her look insane because on the surface it was innocuous. Almost sweet. But she – and I – knew exactly what I was saying. But that was where the contact stopped. I know too many women who stay in touch with the OW, either via Facebook or mutual friends or even face-to-face, and I can't believe anything good can ever come of it, assuming the OW knew about you. Block her on FB, steer as far out of her way as possible, cut her out of your life. She's poison.

Numbing ourselves with drugs/alcohol/food/shopping/insert-compulsive-behavior-here: Oh...it's tempting. So tempting that I didn't take a drink for months after D-Day because, as the daughter of two alcoholics, I was pretty sure it would end badly. But forewarned is forearmed. Recognize that right now you are incredibly vulnerable. And for most of us the discomfort of feeling vulnerable is something we'll do almost anything to stop. Like eat a chocolate cake, buy four pairs of shoes, pop Zoloft like it's candy, even exercise to the point of injury. Whatever your compulsion of choice is, now's the time to put it under a microscope and determine just how much is healthy...and how much is harmful. You need you right now. Not some numbed out zombie with too many shoes.

Maintaining toxic friendships: Infidelity brings up a lot of issues for a lot of people. There are those who will suggest you "get over" this, those who dismiss your angst with impatience that you don't just kick him out, those who avoid you because your experience brings up uncomfortable feels about their own marriage. It's tempting to keep everyone close because you're feeling so alone. But toxic people simply make your pain and loneliness worse. You need compassion and understanding, not blame, frustration, impatience or unsolicited advice. If there's no-one in real life, please remember that we're here, we know your pain and will lovingly guide to toward healing.

That's the short list. Are there things you do that you recognize are only hurting yourself? Share your story here. Others will no doubt recognize themselves. Together we'll heal.



55 comments:

  1. Oh pain shopping.....every time I go pain shopping I think that will be the last visit to the store. (4 months since D Day). I have enough detail - too much detail maybe (the mind movies are on a loop). But then a few days later, I'm shopping again and it doesn't make me feel better. Once you know more detail, you can't un-know it. My therapist told me to write down questions and instead of firing them straight at my husband, wait 24 hours and then decide if I still want to ask. It's been a week since my last visit to the store and its been strangely freeing.

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    1. That's a great idea, thanks for sharing. I have a tendency to feel like I HAVE to ask as soon as something pops into my head and it tends to be at the worst possible times. Thanks for sharing.

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    2. I arrived at a point, a couple of months after D Day, where I could limit my questions. I told him I would ask questions only on Wednesdays, any question I wanted, the same question worded 10 different ways if I wanted, and he would answer thoroughly and patiently. My pain, my rules, right? He was grateful for those parameters and complied without question.

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    3. That's exactly what I did. I didn't even bother to write it down, I just told myself, "if, in 24 hours, you still want the answer, ask away..." Just about every time, I couldn't even remember the question.

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  2. I like the last point. Getting rid of toxic relationships. Oh yes those folks were all around early for the salacious details and the "dump the prick" advice. But once I really needed someone to listen to me they were nowhere to be found or had that "get over it it's been 6 months" words of wisdom. That's when I knew those people that supposedly were my "good friends" weren't. I haven't replaced them either!

    You are right on with these points and I'm guilty of all of them sadly:(

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    1. TH,
      Yeah, I really cleaned out and it was ultimately a really good thing. I had allowed myself in too many relationships (including my marriage) to be a good sport and tolerate what I shouldn't have been tolerating, from minor unkindnesses to outright cruelty. I'm far more discerning now and my life is far better as a result.

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  3. Elle you have done it once again. How is it that you always know exactly how I felt and what I did? I have never in my life struck anyone in violence, in anger. The morning I found out the true extent of the affair I struck my husband in the face, with.my. fist. I threw a coffee cup through his big screen TV. It is crazy making beyond measure! I did things that if you told me I would ever do I would have told you that you were out of your mind. No, as it turns out, I was out of MY mind. I swore for years that if he ever had an affair I would be out the door in a hot minute and never look back. We see how that turned out. I tell people now who say the same they NEVER know what they will do. No matter how strongly they feel about it until it is staring you in your heartbroken face, you just don’t know. I turned into someone I no longer knew. Things were made more difficult because I didn’t get the full truth for quite some time. I strongly believe that I do suffer from PTSD. I was lucky enough to live near Dr Dennis Ortman author of Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing and I booked a session with him. It was very mind opening to speak with him. I was skeptical at the time that an affair could cause such a serious problem. What I found was that it IS a trauma and I will feel the repercussions for a very long time.

    I have so many books I’m embarrassed to admit just how many. I have so many because I just wanted to know WHY. I did not find that answer in any of those books. I am guilty of all of the above and I believe I am because I so desperately wanted to understand. I don’t think to this day I ever will.

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    1. Cheryl, I also bought TOO MANY books!!! Still, they are there when I need them. Sometimes I just really feel the need to search for answers somewhere, anywhere!

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    2. CheylRN,
      I'm glad you had such a fabulous resource to help you through. It is trauma for so many of us. And it helps enormously to treat it as such.
      Re. why: I do think that comes with time. I might never understand the exact "how" it happens but the "why", for my husband at least, was that he lacked the ability to soothe his own pain. Some turn to drugs, others to booze, some to shopping, others to social media. It's all a way to escape feelings that are too much.

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    3. Phoenix I totally understand, I was desperate for answers. Since they weren't coming from my husband at first I turned to books trying to find answers there. Elle I thought we were at a place where I did understand, but after finding the porn on his computer and phone it has almost taken me back to day one because of the lying. I am finally beginning to understand that this is HIS demon to slay, I can't do it for him. Thankfully he seems to be working on doing that. Time will tell. He is seeing a new therapist as am I. I am seeing her for ME, not our marriage. I have found that I should have done more for myself through the years. He has issues to deal with and I can't do that for him.

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  4. I am grateful when these posts come through my email. I look forward to each new entry, to see what Elle and others have to say.
    I am 6 months post D day. I sometimes still can' t believe this is my story, our story. My husband had a six week affair with my next door neighbor. We were all friends. We all hung out in the midst of their affair. It's so disgusting and deceitful that it's hard to put into words all that I feel.
    We still live next to them but are working to sell the house. I see her car and occasionally her, right outside my window. My husband is remorseful and works every day to show this, and wants to stay together.

    So here is where I am lost. I can recognize that our marriage was not in a good place at the time of the affair. We had disconnected. Stresses of life and a special needs son pulled us away from each other. So I had resented the husband he had become. But I did not cheat. I stuck it out. I recognized we were at a low point but stayed the course.

    And now. He's working harder than ever to be the husband I needed then. But now I have this truth of what he's done, which compounds everything. I can't get past his betrayal. I'm having a very hard time having any compassion for him when he is suffering, and he does suffer. I can't imagine what is is like to wake up and be him, to know how much hurt he has caused me.
    I also have a hard time really looking closely at the things that were wrong prior. I refuse to have any hand in it, any blame, that may have driven him to make this choice, It angers me to even touch on it a little.

    And her. Oh God, I hate her. I hate that she just appears to be carrying on like normal, although I know her husband is making her suffer as well. That she was my friend, That neither of them, but especially her, didn't stop it, didn't say, what the hell are we doing?? I wish her great suffering.
    So is it just time that helps? I know moving out of here is a big step. It is a daily visual assault being here, in the house where some of it happened, and right next to her. The absurdity of it! The recklessness on both of their parts!! It is mind numbing.
    I am also angry that his family wasn't, and isn't harder in him. Can't they see how awful it was? He is in therapy now. I want to understand how he could have done this. What is wrong with him?
    And finally, can I stay with him? Is this a man I can rebuild a life with? Sometimes I just don't know. Thanks for listening.

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    1. Anonymous,
      Yes, to your "time" question. With time, you'll be amazed at your capacity to heal as long as you continue to focus on healing and not on nurturing anger and bitterness (which are normal feelings, to be sure. Just don't make them a life choice.).
      Re. whether you can rebuild a life with your husband, nobody can answer that but you. Some couples rebuild marriages that are richer and deeper and they know they made the right choice for them. Others choose to leave and create lives alone or with new partners and know that it's the right choice for them. Others still stay in unhappy marriages or leave with regret. They key, I think, is making a choice that feels right for you. And giving yourself the time and space to make it a choice and not simply a reaction to the pain you're feeling right now.

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  5. Somebody stop me; I'm seriously liking the Christmas card idea.

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    1. I'm going to sign my kids name.

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    2. I confess it was pretty satisfying. I also thought it was relatively fool-proof because, to an outsider, it looked completely innocuous. Just a friendly card from her boss's wife for "all she'd done" with a photo of my husband and our three kids on it. Evil genius. ;)

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  6. Anon - I feel the same way. I feel my husband's shame, remorse, regret - he in in therapy too and doing anything he can to try and make things better but I feel like I will never get past his betrayal. I feel like I could trust him again but don't know if I can ever accept what he's done to be able to move on with him. I don't think I'll ever understand why and how. Ever.

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    1. Anonymous,
      I could have written your post here verbatim last week. But something on this blogsite (not sure where exactly it is, I have been stalking the archives) got me thinking this past weekend of how to move on past this.

      I had told our therapist and my husband that I simply cannot forgive him. I, Just. Cannot. A very wise post-er on this site brought up the concept to not confuse forgiveness with acceptance.

      ****EPIPHANY MOMENT****

      I am in the process of exploring and realizing that I do NOT have to forgive him. I will NEVER understand why/how. I DO need to learn to accept that it happened. That is *all* I need to do.

      The way I am beginning to process this is: I keep referring to 'us' as dead. As in: he killed me ( the 'me' I was prior to D-day). He killed my husband and best friend ( the person I believed he was prior to D-day). He killed our marriage, and all I believed to be true and secure. (Sorry about the 'kill' statements, it is just how I apply it to my own situation. I don't mean to upset anyone with the analogy). I refer to both of us as the proverbial Phoenix rising from the ashes. We are both different people now, and we have no marriage.

      But, this is where my new concept of not having to forgive him comes in. I do NOT have to forgive that selfish, self-indulgent, lying, deceptive addict. F*ck him. I accept (am learning to, anyway) what that person did to the person I was. But forgive him?? Umm, no.

      If I am to move forward, and if there is anything at all to build between us, I will accept that we truly are 2 different people now, and leave the 'old' us in the ashes. I do not have to forgive him because he is no longer that person. This has been a very freeing concept for me because I have been struggling about the whole forgiveness part.

      Let me add, he initiated therapy on his own. He has owned his deception and lies and is working to understand himself,looking through the new lens of himself as an addict. He is far from perfect. But he is working on himself and us. I am trying to see past my daily anger and have some compassion for his journey. Self-inflicted or not, I would not want to walk in his shoes nowadays.

      I am writing this half to help anyone reading this, and half for my own catharsis. Hope it helps!

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    2. I'm not sure how far along you are but we've all been there. I remember insisting that I would "never" be happy again, that I could "never" trust him again, that he had "robbed me of any joy ever again."
      And yet...here I am. Happier than I could have imagined. We are far more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. Whether you stay or go...you will find happiness again as long as you don't let this betrayal consume your life. Heal yourself. That's the most important piece of this.

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    3. Suzannah,
      So glad you had that "aha" moment. It's amazing when, suddenly, we get that we can move forward with a different mindset. It's freeing.
      I'm not sure I've "forgiven" my husband so much as I've accepted that I can't change what happened. I've given him the opportunity to show me that he deserves a second chance to be married to me. And he's used that opportunity to become a better husband, a better man.

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    4. Suzannah / Elle
      Thank you so much for your responses.
      I am 4 months in.
      I told my husband last week in joint therapy I won't ever forgive him, why should I forgive him having sex with 'her' for 18 months and lying to my face about false business trips, leaving me behind with our baby son! But yes I hope one day I may be able to accept it. But Suzannah I like what you've said about leaving the old us in the ashes - like my therapist said, your old marriage is gone - if you decide to stay with him you will be starting over. And like your husband, mine at least initiated his own therapy as well as our joint, and is truly struggling to live with himself and the shame of his actions. I wouldn't want to be him - especially feeling the anger and shame from both of our families.
      I guess I also have to accept I may never understand how (compartmentalisation - but I still struggle with this - how a person can keep lives so separate and I guess as I could never do it, I'll never understand it) or maybe really why - but I very much appreciate your words, I am hoping over time I can accept it to be able to move on. I certainly don't want to end up bitter and twisted - which is how I currently feel most days!

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    5. I am glad my words helped a bit. We are like one big group therapy session, aren't we? A million heartfelt 'thank yous' to Elle for keeping this going and helping so many.

      I also struggle with the compartmentalization concept. I am practical and hard-headed Yankee stock, and I say what I mean, and expect the same from others. So to hear from my husband whom I believed I knew so very well that he compartmentalized his addict-driven actions and behavior, the practical Yankee in me calls bullish*t on that. How can an intelligent, responsible, thoughtful, supportive, wonderful father and partner expect me to believe he can genuinely say he loves me, yet because he can 'compartmentalize' so well, he can indulge in the worst betraying behavior a partner can do to the other partner?? Tough for me to swallow. But, like you say, because we don't do it and never could/would, we cannot understand it. At all. Just like I don't have a gambling problem, so I never will understand how a gambling addict can't just walk away from the ponies racing, or put down that poker hand. I mean, it seems so simple, right? You know you are indulging in actions which will devastate your partner. You know you don't want to be that person. So STOP. But...apparently not that easy. I told my husband he actually gets a pass in a small way because almost everything I read here, almost all the husbands have acted according to a script, mine included.
      Our therapist is a recovering addict: drugs, alcohol, sex. He is 28 years sober and has helped me a lot in comprehending the drive and compartmentalization concept of the addict. Interestingly, he is usually on my 'side' during our sessions. Lol
      I am 9 weeks in. It seems like 9 years. I have 2 littles under 6 years old. I work full time. I left my PhD program on hiatus because I could not focus after D-Day. I am strung so far out mentally and emotionally I don't know where my mind is at in any given hour. But, I am getting strength in realizing I am not alone, and you have all validated my own personal feelings and responses to this season in hell.
      Not that I would wish all this on you all, but thanks for being there.
      I keep holding to what Elle says about how this will get better (bearable??) Someday. Wish I had a fast-forward button most days though.

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    6. One concept that helped me was to think of this as your second marriage to the same spouse. The old marriage is gone. You can't get it back, and honestly, would you want it back, now that you know? No matter how much it hurts, I'd rather have a painful truth than a comforting lie (which wasn't all that comforting, since I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know exactly what.) As I've said to my husband so many times, the part that hurts the most is the lies. The fact that I asked him point-blank if he was using porn again and he looked me in the face and swore he wasn't. That's the part that hurts the most. If he had just come clean then, it would have saved us so much of this heartache.

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    7. Suzannah - I'm over in London! Like you, the way I've been raised and my family don't stand for bullshit and so taking this all in is so difficult. I relate to everything you say, we're both not far out from d-day and my littleun is 2. I had to take nearly a month off work as I couldn't focus either. I had to have friends and family stay over every night for the first month. I would love to have a fast forward button too. I still am not sure what I will decide to do. It changes every 5 minutes. My H broke down in our therapy session yesterday - out of shame he could do this to his best friend and how much he misses me. That's why compartmentalisation is so hard to understand - how the hell could you not think of me and our son whilst you were with her!
      Gee - I agree - it's the bare faced lies that are so hard to stomach. The betrayal is so devastating, I struggle with it everyday.
      Elle - thank you so much for this site, as Suzannah said, it's like group therapy and it helps me so much to have this outlet and a place to speak to ladies who know exactly how I feel.

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    8. It is group therapy. As Brené Brown says, two of the most powerful words in the English language are "me too." We've been there. And that's where our power lies, I think. We can assure that you will get past this. It takes so much longer than any of us could have imagined (I figured six months tops. Ha!). But each day moves you a bit closer through healing.

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  7. Wow Anon, you shared something in just one of your sentences that I have been angered about in my situation. In my case, I was with his parents when he told them of the affair. And they never once said son, we are disappointed in you. And that would have been mild. I actually asked his mother about it later over the phone. And she said, we love him unconditionally. Well, you can love someone unconditionally and still express your disappointment and anger with them. His sister expressed her anger to him. And his cousin expressed her anger about him, to me, as did his aunt. But his mom and dad… she cried and held me and held him and dad simply said well we need to move on. Seriously, I have seen them be more upset with him for walking into their house with muddy shoes. So, I feel your pain. And, I am 10 months out and not certain that I am staying with my husband. On top of his affair or should I say his affair was a symptom of midlife crisis… And he remains in limbo as to whether or not he wants to be in the marriage. Of course, the longer he remains in limbo the more I question whether or not I want to be in the marriage. I often repeat what Elle had shared early on ... The next right step. All I need to do is the next right step. Hugs & Love :-)

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    1. Melissa,
      Watching how his family of origin responds can be highly educational though. My own parents told him they'd support him through this (which kinda pissed me off) though I also knew they completely had my back. He couldn't even tell his family because he "knew" they would never speak to him again. Which speaks volumes to me.
      Your husband's parents' response tells me that, perhaps, he's never had clear boundaries around what's acceptable. He's never had to face the consequences of his choices and experience how someone can be disappointed in his choices but love him nonetheless. "Move on..." What does that mean other than, let's simply forget this happened and pretend we're not hurt. Hardly helpful or healthy.

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    2. I'm sitting square in the middle of this issue. It has caused me so much additional pain to know that my H parents, especially his mom, and his compliant sister who knew about his affair and supported him in it, encouraging him because "everyone deserves to be happy", knew and didn't strand by me or our 28 year marriage. HIs sister always thought he could do better than me ( he couldn't ;) ), so I wasn't that surprised or hurt about how she handled it. But his mom. His mom who, every time we visited with his family would tell me how happy she was because her son, my h, was so very happy, she could tell by the happiness in his eyes. She would thank me for giving that happiness to him and for making her happy to see her son so happy. So when the conversation eventually turned to "Mom, Lili and I are having problems. I have found someone who really loves me, and I love her. Lili is so nagging, and selfish, and she always puts me down, etc., I can't take it anymore, I just want to be happy, so I've found someone else." His mom just accepted it. There was no defense of me, no questioning of his part, his responsibility, his possible mistake (remember the happy glow in his eyes? Where did that go?) etc, etc. All she could do was to tell me that I will one day find my own happiness, that she doesn't judge anyone, and that she loves me and just wants everyone to be happy. I was so hurt, I felt abandoned not only by my husband, my close friend ( the OW) and now his family. Thank you Elle, for pointing out how the reaction of the family origin teaches us so much about the environment our H grew up in. He grew up in an emotionally messed up family, dad had affairs, (I didn't know) , parents divorced at age 76, his mom already had another love interest by that time, siblings divorced, just a lot of relational trauma from childhood going on there. I know it will help me to remember that, and remind myself, it's not me that is the problem, it's all the bad relationships everywhere around him. He really has no idea what healthy love looks or feels like. To him is feels like sex, with no real intimacy or give back from him. He is back with me, although I am not sure sometimes if it is because he is healing and truly loves me again, or just because it is the only way he can have his children not utterly reject him. He has compartmentalized the whole affair, made his apologies, admits it was wrong, and just wants to move on and forget about it all. Which to me is another painful abandonment, because my pain and trauma don't matter. It's been a very confusing and stressful way to live, its been a few years now since discovery, full disclosure (not really sure it was a full disclosure) and first signs of remorse came only recently, so it is in his past now, but feels very recent to me. I'm still in trauma. Sorry, I am having very scattered thinking and I feel I am rambling without a cause here. I feel the pain of those who have posted about unconditional love and acceptance from family members, without any questioning of H behaviors, thought processes and fantasy living. And the lying. Can the family members just come out with a comment about how no spouse deserves to be lied to, and lied about in such a way as we have been as betrayed wives? H and I will get through this, I think, but I need help from him, and I have to wait still for that because he is not in a place where he can give all of the help I need for me right now, although he has made a lot of progress, and he is actually much easier to live with. I am not willing to quit now, baby steps forward are still going in the right direction. so thanks for the support ladies, for all the insights and the strength I get from just reading your posts. Thank you so very much!

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    3. Lilli,
      It's not surprising that his family supported him in his affair because to call him out on it would have meant a lot of discomfort with how they'd conducted their own lives.
      They're clearly struggling with healthy boundaries in their lives, which is nothing you can control.
      I'm more concerned with your husband's desire for you to "move on and forget this". The answer to that is simply "no". In order for you to be able to trust him again and to rebuilt a relationship that's based on honesty and integrity is for him to own up to what he did completely and to gain insight into why he did it? If he can't tell you why he went down that road, what's to stop him from doing it again? If he doesn't understand how he allowed himself to violate his marriage vows, then he won't recognize it when he starts believing his own bullshit again.
      He deserved to be happy? Don't we all? And doesn't that sometimes include having a spouse who isn't lying to us and cheating on us? What about YOUR happiness? Did that not figure into the equation?
      As you might have gathered from my strong response, this is a sore point for me. I hear it over and over again -- people who betray us in the worst possible way, then want us to "get over" it. Why? Because they don't want to face the true cost of what they've done. They don't want to feel the discomfort and anxiety of owning up to just how deeply they've hurt someone. Well, too damn bad.
      Lilli, it's time for you to make it clear that if he wants you to give him a second chance then he needs to show you that he deserves it. He needs to show you that he's a good bet...and not just another bad gamble. How? By facing up to what he did, why he did it and taking steps to ensure he NEVER does it again. And I suspect a lot of that will involve him taking a good look at the messages he got from his family about responsibility and self-respect and honor...or lack thereof.

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  8. I feel so bad about myself I shop but its matching bras and pants!!!! then i feel awful as H loked prostitutes with ioce underwear. Why am I doing this to myself???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      Don't be so hard on yourself. It's perfectly natural to want to reclaim your own sexuality, to remind yourself that you're pretty. Betrayal shatters our self-esteem.
      Just recognize that, while buying yourself nice lingerie can help, the real work is about understanding that his betrayal is NOT about you. It's not a rejection of you. It's about his brokenness, not yours.

      Delete
  9. I have been reading this site for two years. This site has been uber comforting to me. A place to vent with others that understand, not necessarily like minded all the time but there is no shortage of empathy. There is one question that resonates over and over is how do you handle the pain? Will someone tell me how to handle the pain? The questions, secrets, lies, what is real what is fake. This is not an over dramatization. I have been thinking about this a lot.

    Many on this site many say, feel the pain the entire force of it. Pain equals the ultimate rejection. It screws up my mind. I had to let go of feeling rejected. I started to focus on what is positive about me. I had to stop feeling like a failure. I had to take charge of my life. I had hopes I would feel better.

    When I felt pain I let myself feel the full force. The depth of the pain equals the depth of the wound. My mind would go to who did what and divert the pain into anger. I would try to resist the pain. My mind would go to, it was his fault and divert the pain to injustice. My mind would go to blaming myself and divert the pain into rejection. Once I got a handle on controlling the diversions, I drowned myself in the pain all the way to the bottom of the wound. I thought I wanted to kill myself. I tried but the 45 jammed. Only when I said you have suffered enough did I start to learn how to swim toward the surface. Swimming up towards the surface helped instead of drowning. Each person struggle to swim to the surface so you can breath is different. It just takes "time" to figure out what swim stroke is right. I tried them all until I was exhausted then I floated to the top and took that new breath of air. It took me 14-16 months to even get close to the surface. How the pain gets less intense in is beyond my comprehension.

    Don't give up your power to choose

    Cut them or yourself loose if you need to (I cut him loose without actually leaving until I figured it out).

    Lean about the truth about yourself through this relationship trauma

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    Replies
    1. Lynn,
      Wow. You have fought like hell to get yourself where you are -- to a place where you're now guiding the newly betrayed and supporting them with your strength. Your words have so much power. To reassure those that it's possible to go from preferring death to the pain of betrayal (I was there too but thank God my mother's attempted suicides and their subsequent impact on me stopped me from doing the same thing to my children). To let them know that they can fight for themselves -- that's the most important lesson in this. That WE are worth fighting for. Thank-you Lynn. Thank-you. Thank-you.

      Delete
    2. lynn,

      I am always amazed by your writing. A passage that M-Rec brought to our attention months back, from a woman named Nancy Mairs comes to mind. Upon the 'discovery' of her husbands betrayal she wrote:

      "The sense of my own extinction will prove the most tenacious and terrifying of my responses, the one that keeps me flat on my back in the night staring into the dark, gasping for breath, as though I've been buried alive."

      I remember first reading that passage feeling the intense recognition..yes...that's how it feels......

      Lynn I also came dangerously close to killing myself. Had I not three lovely daughters well....I stayed and pulled my whole family into the ring. I see many betrayed spouses rising up from the ashes and being the ones to restore and heal the entire family.

      The remarkable poet Andrienne Rich has a line in one of her poems that I keep going back to. From her poem "Dreams Before Waking." And believe it's what Elle has provided so bravely and graciously for us here:

      "What would it mean to live in a city whose people were changing each others despair into hope? -"

      "Though your life felt arduous new and unmapped and strange what would it mean to stand on the first page of the end of despair?

      I hear you and I get it. I can only hold my pain like a globe in my hands and keep moving forward.

      Much love to all

      Delete
    3. Oh V, that's so beautiful: "changing each others' despair into hope." I hope that's what we're doing here. I think it is.

      Delete
  10. LLP. I don't remember you ever having a 45 in your hand. This is chilling because you are such a warrior. I found this quite by accident the other day and thought about posting it here. There are a few variations floating around the Internet In short anyone thinking suicidal should call the suicide hotline. Maybe elle can remind us of the betrayed spouse hotline too.
    Here's a reminder to please do not do anything that cannot be undone http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1400522/the-morning-after-i-killed-myself/

    Anon 1 it DOES become manageable. I can go very long stretches without thinking about what he did. When I think about it the pain is nowhere near as searing. I promise. I thought 2 years ago that I would never ever go a day without pain. But I promise you they are there.

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    Replies
    1. Steam (and all),
      The Infidelity Counselling Network's phone number is always in the right-hand margin of this site where it says "Free Peer Counsellors". Click on the link below.
      I've tried (and failed) to put a suicide hotline number also in the margin. Not sure what I'm doing wrong. But if you Google Suicide hotline, a bunch of numbers will come up of hotlines in your area/country. I understand the impulse. We want the pain to end. But the pain WILL end. I promise. And you want to be around when that happens.

      Delete
  11. Thinking about Steam's phrase "the depth of your pain equals the depth of your wound." The further along I get, it seems as if the depth of the wound is dependent on how healthy one's sense of self/your protective shield is. The things that weaken your shield might be past injuries, childhood traumas, losses, failings, and other hurts. The more you work through those hurts, along with the betrayal (and the mistaken beliefs about yourself that you have taken from them) the stronger your shield--you can be more resilient for whatever life brings you. I am finally at the point where I am actively looking to see what I can do to live my fullest life and have a stronger sense of self. I am learning to forgive myself for not loving, accepting, and believing in myself enough. Instead, I laid my identity and sense of self at his feet and our relationship.
    I still haven't forgiven my husband. Forgiving him will take more effort on his part. But I have accepted that this happened and I couldn't/can't control what he does/did. For now, I am working on recognizing that how terrible I feel has more to do with old expectations and beliefs about my life and myself--things that need to be re-evaluated and reconstructed--rather than what my husband did. Of course, he has alot to do to allow me to trust him again, and I am still sad and angry that he failed to honor our relationship and our family and treated it with such contempt. But I now know that the only way through this is to do a better job of trusting and having faith in myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MBS,
      I absolutely agree. I've written before about how some of are retraumatized by betrayal. You can see it here, if you haven't already read it:
      http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2014/05/infidelity-as-retrauma-why-some-of-us.html

      Delete
  12. Has anyone on here had the affair take place at their home? I want to move on but its so hard when my own home is such a trigger- moving isn't an option and I
    Just can't get the images out of my head. Walking home from dropping my kids at the bus stop I feel so much pain every time I see the house. When I see it as in driving down the hill I just feel so sad. I hate that he stole our home from me- my bedroom, our children's playroom- I hate him for being such a self serving asshole!!! I hate that he just let her parade herself in my home like she had any business being here!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! My selfish h let her move into the house for several weeks after she became homeless due to her husband divorcing her for adultry and damage to the primary home. He felt sorry for her as she claimed an abusive controlling husband. He was afraid at one time of being named in her divorce but she had other boyfriends before my h. Yes our house was a big trigger but we have remodeled the kitchen and bathroom and the rest was mine and she didn't pick any of it out. I have also made new flower beds and changed the view from our deck. I came to terms that yes this is where it happened but it's not HER space! I reclaimed every inch of space inside this house as well as the year and neighboring blocks as I walked my lab through my first months of trauma. I through away any and all linens towels and some of the glasses I knew she used. I'm very comfortable in the home my h and I have rebuilt together! It has taken well over year. I'm doing it one day at a time! Hugs for your pain and prayers for your healing!

      Delete
    2. Thank you- it's been 11 months since I found out and the house is still the hardest issue to deal with. I'm up right now because while I'm trying to sleep all I see is images of her in my room. I hate this so much. Everyone is fast asleep including my husband but I continue to pay and mourn for his actions.

      Delete
    3. Lea
      Time did some of my healing as well as the actions of my h. I still have triggers from time to time but they are less intense and I'm able to move through them much better than I did in the early weeks and months! I remember waking in the middle of the night shaking and not being able to go back to sleep. I began to get the most relief for this when I began walking my lab around our neighborhood. Reading this blog and the older entries as well have helped me find the hope I needed! Please know that all of the people I've met here have had a part of the healing path I began in June when I first found this site! Hugs for you and just know you will find your inner strength and reclaim what has always belonged to you!

      Delete
    4. Lea,
      Yes, I do think time can work its magic. But I wonder too if there are things you can do to reclaim your home. Our homes are so personal, our oasis from the world. Can you repaint? Or do some minor renovations? Anything to help you make it feel like yours. Maybe now is the time to get rid of things that you've wanted changed (nice new big bathtub, for instance?). New bedspread?

      Delete
    5. Lea,
      I have the same problem. Although there was no sex in the bed room she was here. The OW told me how beautiful my home was, how they watched a movie and sat in our courtyard and talked. She did say finally she felt uncomfortable the last time she was here and left early. First I sold or gave away anything her skanky ass set in. Replaced it. I still can't sit in my courtyard without pain. I had to sell the house it was driving me nuts. My husband agreed. I would buy a new bed with those zero interest deals. It doesn't have to be the perfect one just different. My pain did get less but never went away. So each time after we had been away coming home I would say I don't want to go home, I hate the house, our house is cursed, I live in a whore house. etc. So NOW. I call it I'm un-whoring my house. I'm un-whoring the holidays too. Get up, get moving and un-whore your house. Throw out all the sheets they slept in. Let him sleep with no sheets for awhile. Throw it all out. Get rid of it. I could see what I could stuck up and there were somethings I couldn't no matter what. You don't have to stuck up everything. Let him sleep on no sheets whatever makes YOU feel better. I honestly would probably sell the bed and sleep on an air mattress before I put my ass in that bed. I'm just that kind of woman. It is ok if you can't handle it. Decide - can I ever handle this - if you know in your heart you can't ever never then sell the bed on FB yard sale sites and get an air mattress with new sheets. If you have kids tell them that bed was killing your back. You are strong, determined and a good person, I have read it here over and over. People that stay in the middle of the road will get run over. Don't let this house thing run over you. it would be interesting to hear how others un-whored their stuff.

      Delete
  13. Leah, I cannot imagine what you were going through. I can, however, relate to the mind movies. I went to a lecture last week on PTSD and anxiety disorders. I am not certain if you are in individual counseling, but your best bet is a therapist who is well trained and experienced in trauma recovery. The therapist that gave my course was one such therapist… He is based in Las Vegas Nevada He pointed out there are two main techniques used together in recovering from trauma and PTSD. First and foremost one must enter into a state of relaxation… through abdominal breathing, muscle tensing and relaxing,… Perhaps guided meditation. Or it does not have to be guided, of course, it can simply be meditation. In any case, once you are in a relaxed state then the therapist does cognitive behavioral therapy with you. I am certainly no expert. I know that once you are relaxed you may then begin to introduce positive thoughts i... n particular, thoughts of gratitude. There is so much more than this, I am simply mentioning a few techniques. So when you lay awake at night… Take a few deep breaths, pay attention to your breathing, and put yourself into a place of calm… Then, think thoughts of gratitude. Thoughts of gratitude of the smallest magnitude or the largest - whatever you are grateful for which no doubt is bountiful. And if an individual counselor is not within your budget, you may find yourself at yoga therapist. Yoga therapists are not only trained in yoga, but they have an additional 500 hours in "therapy" training. Honestly, I do not know a lot about it… Yet I have taken several sessions from a yoga therapist and her classes are fantastic. My best to you Dear.
    Oh, and I love what Theresa had to say. I too reclaimed some aspects of my life which were triggers for me. Granted, nothing as large as a house.. It was more like a song, or a particular artist, or perhaps even Christmas. I would get a thought in my head that this song or this artist or this holiday is now ruined because of my husband and his OW - and almost as soon as I would have the thought, I would think no, I will not let them do that. They have absolutely no right to take away my joy surrounding… Whatever it is. And really, strange as it may sound, I realized, they were not taking away my joy… I was taking it away from myself. Our thoughts and feelings belong to us. We do not have to believe them. As my therapist taught me, we can challenge your thoughts. We can control them. We are in charge. Believe me, I am no expert in this arena. I know what I know and I try as hard as I might and with each passing moment I grow stronger and more able to put myself in a place of calm, peace and knowledge - this is my lifetime journey. Love and light to you my friend.

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    1. Melissa,
      It's such a a good point but so hard to remember in the early days post D-Day. They are not stealing your joy or your memories. Only you are doing that. And remembering to be grateful for tiny things is also one of the few actions backed by science that contributes to happiness. Notice those things that evoke even the teensiest gratitude. You might be grateful that you don't have a life-threatening illness or that you have access to food and clean water. It can start there. And then, as you begin to notice more and more, you'll come to realize that even in the midst of such pain, you can have gratitude in your life. It's not as woo-woo as it sounds. ;)

      Delete
  14. I feel like I hurt myself by allowing my husband to direct our recovery. He does want me to "be happy" and for us to be together if that is what I want. I struggle with the fact that in general he continues to direct the process. I struggle since he is in the mental health business. Ironically he deals with these types of issues regularly at work. So it can be difficult since he had professional training and years of experience. Even with all of my reading I cannot have the same level of knowledge. And of course he has set ideas on how to repair our marriage. On the flip side I find it concerning since I do at times worry what he is telling me is what he knows he should. He knows all the right thing a to say and it is hard to face that all the time. Is he genuine?

    So at times I feel like I am not standing up for myself. I know all I can speak to are my feelings. I find it hard too since he says he cannot change any past actions or decisions. He thinks it is healthy to focus only on the future and what he can change. I feel like I need to understand the past and process it more. Yet I have never had exact reasons why these affairs happened. I have gotten what I call ransom excuses. Many have been contradictory. I am struggling with how to confront him and address this issue.

    I have written him so many letters and I always back out of giving them to him. Any one else face this issue when you are farther along in recovery? We are 8 months past the first d day, 4 months past the second d day.

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    Replies
    1. Hopeful,
      Regardless of his profession, you're the one who gets to dictate the rules of your recovery from his betrayal. He doesn't know what it's like to be betrayed. And if he reads the literature from those in the field who research this stuff, he knows that healing is reliant upon a full accounting of what happened (it's often called a "window into the affair") and evidence that the wayward spouse is taking steps to understand WHY it happened. Without that, there's little indication that you can trust him not to do it again. "Focus on the future" is the rallying cry of the cheater who doesn't want to do the incredibly painful work of excavating their own issues around why they cheated...and the pain their actions have caused. You focus on the future when the past has been well and truly examined.
      Are you in counselling yourself? In couples counselling? I think you should be...

      Delete
    2. I am seeing a therapist. He is specifically trained and developed a practice of marriage/couples counseling. It was my husband's suggestion to see someone. I at the time was struggling feeling lonely and I guess like no one understood me or was on my side. He said I could talk to anyone but I really did not feel I have anyone to talk with about this. He was concerned and wanted to see who I chose to see as he says he sees all types of professionals and many are not objective. I ideally wanted him to see the therapist with me. He was very resistant at first and had various reasons that he would not go. His main reason is he feels we have done the work and redefined our marriage. We have progressed well and he feels he has done everything necessary or possible to do. There is basically nothing anyone could tell him to improve where we are. He understands and felt like it would be a good and healthy outlet for me. I went and the therapist was clear that if we continued that he would not be able to start seeing us as a couple since we were establishing a therapeutic relationship. Well my husband has said if I want him to go he would. And that aspect would not bother him.

      So I am going once a month since the therapist said that this will in the end a slow healing process. And he can see I do not have weekly or daily issues I am struggling with. It has helped having someone to talk with. I think what troubles me the most is my therapist's concern that this is part of his character. Again hard for him to tell since he is going off of my info only. But he said the length of time, multiple affairs, online activity, pornography and also compartmentalization. He is somewhat surprised things were the way they were for so long since I would confront him about our relationship on many levels and also asked him about other women. Saying all of that. Based on what his current behavior is he says he is impressed and likes everything he is hearing. My husband is doing a great job which is wonderful. I am just skeptical and my therapist says that is normal after all of this and time will be the best answer. My therapist said this is really unique due to the level of my husband's knowledge. One thing I will say is that through the years if I brought up an issue about us or our kids he always would say it could be so much worse. He sees the worst of the worst stuff. I get that. My reply was always but this is our lives and I don't compare myself to anyone else. So I think there has been some of that through his affairs of I don't use a burner phone, I would never allow these women in our home, never celebrate with them, never go on a trip with the,. To me it was funny when he thought all those ideas were so over the top and terrible. I was thinking really you already did the worst thing by cheating on me and all the lies.

      Delete
    3. Hopeful30,
      I'm so glad you have that support via a therapist. If you could, I would suggest more than once a month because I sometimes think a lot comes out of the appointments when you actually feel like you have nothing to say. It can be easy to fill the time just catching him up on what's happening in your marriage rather than actually examining the little tugs at your intuition. However, you know better than I at what's working.
      And I'm with you. Just because things could be worse isn't reason to not make them better. Hopeful, I think you have a lot of insight and wisdom that I'm wondering gets lost because your husband is the "expert". YOU are the expert in you...and you know what you want. Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself.

      Delete
    4. I'm finally seeing a therapist on Monday. My hubby's mistress was porn, but I'm still not happy in my marriage and don't know if I ever will be even though he's been sober for a year. I just don't feel anything towards him and I think he's emotionally and physically anorexic. We just live in the same household. My son gave up his room for a year so he could stay here and we'd be separated and then I let him sleep back in my bed. He never holds my hand or kisses me.

      My kids have suffered b/c it went on for over a decade. My oldest has a severe eating disorder, cuts herself and has just gotten 30 days clean from pot. She just spent three of the last four weeks in two psych wards.

      I just feel hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch Netflix. I feel trapped financially bc I homeschool and don't want to put my kids in public school.

      I have to take Valium b/c the panic attacks started two years ago. The stress was just unbearable. He lost his job last year and we had to wait over a year to find emp. but he's making way less than he did before we were married almost 20 years ago.

      He and my oldest went to Celebrate Recovery tonight and it was her first time to go, but I'm just beat up emotionally b/c my daughter is having such problems. She's almost 19 and there is no way she can live on her own. Our marriage problems messed her up. I wish I could have divorced him years ago b/c my trauma made her hold everything in.

      She was literally at death's door. I'm still scared I'm going to bury her.

      I'm trying to select a profile, but I'm having trouble so I'll just post as Anon, but I have posted on here before as "Anne of Va."

      Delete
  15. Hello all,

    I've been away for a while. Pain shopping?? Yes, I shopped until I dropped. I ran all my "credit cards" over limit. I am not sorry I did it. I'm an information fanatic. Do I feel better - yes and no. I do not recommend it for anyone. I do say however that if you must know - ask. Just be prepared for the answers because they may be down right destructive. Mine were mind bending.

    I'm in a better place now but I still am not where I want to be. I know it takes time and I am willing to wait. Still with HIMSELF and he is still lying and keeping secrets. I should clarify - still in the same house (not home - house). No sex - period. Financially I am "building my bank". Convoluted post I know but someone out there knows what I mean. Please ladies - whatever your chosen path YOU WILL GET THERE - eventually.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS,
      I'm so glad to hear from you. From the sounds of it, you're creating your Exit Plan, and that's a good thing. Keep us posted. SS, you're a force to be reckoned with.

      Delete
    2. Silent Scream!

      I've been thinking of you almost daily and so GLAD to hear your voice and you're getting 'your ducks' in line! Shield up our brave sister.....keep us posted and much love to you on your SS journey...

      Delete
  16. I unfortunately joined this club a year ago as of December 26. It's been painful and I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD. A little about my story if interested: ashleysquyres.blogspot.com/2015/11/post-15-narcissism-and-infidelity.html

    ReplyDelete

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