Monday, June 13, 2016

Discovering Healing in Your Shadowlands

"Novelist Robertson Davies writes, "One always learns one's mystery at the price of one's innocence." The word innocent comes from the Latin for unwounded or not harmed. The innocent one hasn't yet learned from his or her wounds, and therefore doesn't know his or her full reality yet. Human life only develops in the shadowlands, never inside of pure light or total darkness."~Father Richard Rohr, Center for Action and Contemplation


We hate the shadowlands. The shadowlands are where we are neither blissful nor so consumed by our pain that we can barely breathe. The shadowlands are where we wait, vigilant, in neither full darkness nor light. It's where we dwell when we're unsure about what happens next. When our wounds have stopped bleeding but have not yet formed a scab. 
But the shadowlands are also where healing can take root if we make our hearts fertile enough. If we keep them soft, if we orient them to whatever light is in our lives, if we treat them gently. If we wrap our hearts around our pain, loving ourselves fiercely, then healing will take root. The kind of healing that moves us into a different version of ourselves. The kind of healing that remembers innocence but no longer envies it. The kind of healing that remembers the wound but isn't hardened by it. The kind of healing that we can trust.
One of my favorite poems has always been William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience. I studied it intensely in school, going over it and over it, knowing there was a message there for me if only I could discern what it was.
It took me a couple of years and few academic papers to fully take in what that message meant for me: My childhood innocence, interrupted by my mother's alcoholism and mental illness, hadn't kept me safe. It was my response to the wound itself that transformed me. The experience I gained from moving through that pain, from healing it alongside my mother who dedicated herself to AA meetings until she could trust herself to BE my mother, was where I realized my full self. It was in those shadowlands where healing took root.
In no way am I celebrating childhood trauma, neglect or abuse. Nobody should have to experience trauma from the people trusted to keep us safe. And none of us should have to experience betrayal from the one who promised us fidelity and devotion. 
But not many of us escape this life without pain, often debilitating, agonizing, drop-to-our-knees agony. The heartbreak of those reeling from yesterday's tragedy in Orlando. The private heartbreak of countless others who've lost children, friends, partners, parents every single day. The pain of addiction, of mental health issues, of loneliness.
But I know that transformation is there for those who walk through this pain with hearts soft and fertile so healing can take root. In the shadowlands. 

45 comments:

  1. Wow,I so needed to read these exact words this morning. Tomorrow, June 14th is my one year D-day anniversary. I never expected to have the courage to live this past year without completely falling apart. My best friend's wedding anniversary is also June 14th so this is a day that brings both pain and joy. I visited with her yesterday and she is the only person who knows my secret pain. I love her strength, understanding, compassion and loving kindness towards me and my delicate psyche. After coming home, I sat with my husband and cried a bit. He says he has been sexually faithful to me since D-day and I believe him. As a survivor of extreme childhood trauma and a controlling narcissistic mother, he turned to sex for comfort at a young age and our marriage covenant was broken early on although I did not know it. Yesterday, as I cried softly, he said, "I look at last June 14th as the day I had a massive heart attack or stroke and now I am on the mend." That made me stop and think about all of the positive changes we have made in our lives both individually and as a couple. We really are closer than we have ever been and the stressors in our lives are much less than they have been over the years. I just wish there was a magic pill that I could swallow when I get sucked down into the quicksand of the memories of his disclosure. They make me cringe and I feel such disgust and hatred towards him for his actions with prostitutes. His acting out the past two years during our anniversary trip to to tropics has, at this point, invalidated my marriage feelings. I want nothing to do with any celebration of any kind. I am hoping this changes and I soften over time. I have read that men like my husband put their lives into boxes with the sexual acting out being their private hellish sanctuary filled with lies, fantasy and compulsions. The other more mundane life putts along until there is a crash. D-day. I live in the shadowlands although I have many days of sunshine too. The pain is just so hard to live with. Love to all, Beach girl

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    1. Beach girl,
      Sex addiction is like any addiction. Self-loathing people seeking escape. Your husband likely did put that part of his life in a box. It was my husband's admission of self-disgust that finally allowed me to stop romanticizing his behaviour and recognize it as shame-filled and dark.
      Hang on to those days of sunshine. Focus on the incredible changes you're making. Recognize that your husband was driven by his own pain and now that he's pulled that pain from the shadows, it will have less control of him. You two can create a relationship based on acceptance of each other's darkness -- we all have it though some of us cause others greater pain because of it.

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  2. Beautiful Elle.
    My favorite line:
    "The kind of healing that remembers innocence but no longer envies it."
    When I first learned of DDay and for several months thereafter I was crushed by our loss of innocence. I would look at young couples in love and feel so saddened by the fact that my innocence was lost. My husband and I - our innocence was lost. The innocence of our marriage was lost.
    And now, I can remember the innocence ... it was good - and my new wealth of experience and process of healing, are even better. Thank you for putting that into words for me.

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    1. Thank you, Melissa, for you put into words exactly what I'm feeling. I'm still stuck in the terrible sadness over the loss of innocence and the lack of joy in my marriage. We have come a long way in 18 months, we laugh and talk and have great sex. But after 30 years of marriage, I no longer love my marriage, I envy couples in love, I have nothing to celebrate. I even find myself imagining what it would be like to fall in love again.

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    2. Melissa,
      Oh yes, I remember being at a wedding and almost choking on my envy because I was so sure that this couple would never know the kind of pain I was in.
      And maybe there won't be an affair. But I don't know a single long-time married couple who hasn't felt disappointment and, yes, betrayal on some level. One of my friends, in an enviable marriage to a man she's been with since they were 16, discovered that her husband, in an effort to not deny her everything she wanted, let the family get into debilitating debt. Marriage is messy. Humans are messy. "Innocence" is an illusion. Don't envy the outside of other people's marriages. You will simply never know what demons they've battled. Instead, acknowledge the battle scars, fix where there are still issues, and know that life is always always a mix of light and dark.

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  3. Shadowlands is a region in my heart where I stay in the shadow of uncertainties afraid to come out of the shadows. The betrayal is not my fault but it is my responsibility to relieve my own suffering. I didn't choose this shadowland of betrayal but through more therapy I'm learning I lived the majority of my life in the shadowland. I'm learning compassion for myself or as Elle saying wrapping our heart around the pain and loving myself. The betrayal just forced me took at my location, where am I? In the shadowlands everyday is a threat. Motivation - survive. Attention - threat focused. Thoughts - danger. Emotions -fear, anxiety. Highly-aroused, hyper vigilant. Behavior - fight (being critical) or flight (avoiding) Where is coping? There is no room. Where is compassion? Sorry no room. Where is calm, safeness, soothing, or caring? The betrayal consumes me with threats there just isn't any room left to combat the pain. I'm learning to get out of the shadowland affair region and be more comfortable in my own mind. Your right on target again Elle, as you say moving through the pain.

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  4. I forgot one more thing, it may help others. My therapist asked me to write a timeline of major events in my life in 5 year increments. After the event I wrote emotions I felt at that time. It is very easy to see when the shadowland starts and ends or if it ever ended. I could see where I had a need for attention, validation and why I have a fear of being alone. I could see where my parents never gave me much or took back what they gave so that is why the gifts to the OW was particularly painful. I could see I was left alone after my parents divorce so thats why my H abandonment hit me hard. I could see where I felt alone so I had a fear of being alone, that drove me to accept some of my H's behavior. It was very eye opening for me.

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    1. LLP,
      I've written on that in other posts -- I think for those of us who've experienced earlier trauma, the betrayal hits us in a way that tears those old wounds wide open, even if we've done work to heal them. Like you, I really examined how my early history meant that my husband's betrayal was like a re-trauma. It brought up so much old pain, on top of the agony of this new shock.

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  5. And for me that innocence was not realistic. Of course it as based on my husband lying to my face. What I have realized as we talk about often is that that innocence is supported by society and how we view marriage and betrayal. Also it was a false sense of innocence. That innocence came at a price of lies, gaslighting and counter moves by my husband. It was hard at first but I am glad my innocence was shattered over a year ago. It took time to get to that point but now sitting here today I am glad. I got answers to why I felt the way I did so often, and it was not me! Of course I would rather have had it never happen and it is still complicated. But I know one thing I would never go back to that way of life and want that innocence back it was all false, smoke and mirrors. Great post!

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    1. Hopeful30,
      For a long time after D-Day, I envied couples who believed that "my partner would never cheat on me". I had felt that too...and it's a really wonderful feeling. It's also an illusion, as I came to know. That "innocence" can be dangerous because it blinds us to what can be happening under our nose. It's only when we reach an "innocence informed by experience" that we're able to trust in a different way. To hold the belief that our partner will choose not to cheat.

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  6. I also read this meditation from Father Rhor this morning and loved it - and I love even more how Elle has further written and explained the shadowlands! Beautiful!!

    By exploring the shadowlands I have learned how to find myself instead of being lost in over identified emotional darkness. I am learning that the shadowland is a place that can only be explored with a gentleness and open heart. And even though I still have a long way to go, I know and believe (in away I never have before) that this IS where healing takes root.

    I also needed this today. The last few days have been hard, I have been experiencing some throw back feelings.... Really focused on the actual affair period recalling things exchanged between H and OW, mind movies, fear what if it is still going on behind my back, recalling lies of the past... Feelings and fears I haven't experienced very much the past few months. Just feeling pretty emotionally drained.

    Love and support to all

    Becky

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    1. Becky,
      My therapist used to call that "recycling". It was her way of assuring me I wasn't regressing. I was simple re-examining what I knew with the added benefit of time, experience, increased wisdom. Each time we revisit a pivotal time in our lives, we bring something new to it, which can help us process it more deeply. So while it sucks...it is moving you incrementally forward.

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  7. I, too, absolutely needed this today. I have been struggling with the shadowlands, but didn't have a word to call it. The last week or so has been full of old memories, revisiting the lies, the deception, etc., etc., but for no reason I could put my finger on. I just have to believe it is all the process of healing. I must believe that because I know the pain has to get better. Thank you so much for putting a name to the place I am currently residing, the Shadowlands

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    1. Anonymous,
      Read what I wrote to Becky (above). Applies to you too.

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    2. I like to imagine it's a spiral... you start at the epi-centre -- ground zero -- and you work way around and around. You'll visit each part of the circle many times but you're spiraling outward further each time around. You never visit each spot the same way twice, no matter how many passes you make. You've already changed from who you were on your last pass. Also, spirals are kind of pretty and all over the place so they can be positive reminders when you randomly come across them. =)

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  8. I remember telling my husband how much I missed my innocence. But almost 2 years out, I don't anymore. I would never go back to what I thought was safety, but was actually a lie. If I have to make the choice between painful truth and a comforting lie, I'll pick truth every single time.

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  9. I'd pick the truth anytime as well. However, I miss being able to trust that someone is going to be the person they say they'll be. I miss believing in people the way I used to versus being suspicious of them all the time.
    ~S

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  10. I'm still in the shadowlands with regard to my mother! Her dementia is getting worse and unlike my grandma who was as kind and sweet hearted until the day she died, my mother is a bitter, angry old woman who tries to buy her happiness with shoes and jewelry! She is very shallow and very demanding of attention. I've spent time doing the same thing Lynnlesspains therapist suggested. I can start with the sixth year of my life and list every painful part of childhood. I had a therapist once and he made me do that and then the two of us discussed my emotions and at the time I thought I was really healing those old hurts. However they bounced right back on dday and it's taking me a long time to get to where I am. I struggle with the care of my mother but I do have my boundaries with her now! Thanks for that Elle! So when I talk to her each day or take her to the doctor appointments, I don't let what she says get me in a bad place.

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    1. Theresa,
      Read what I wrote to Lynn Less Pain (above). I do believe that betrayal opens old wounds and we need to spend some time parsing out where the deeper pain comes from and how we can address it with our new tools.
      Can you practice a sort of detachment from your mother? As if she's a stranger entrusted to your care?

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    2. Elle
      I have begun to try the detachment method with my mother and it's extremely hard due in part her dementia is getting worse, I usually can be the dutiful daughter and in my head acting like I don't know this person. I'm lucky to have a large network of friends that have similar struggles with their aging parents but the fact that I choose not to include these friends in the knowledge of my h affair, I find it difficult at times to explain my stress. I'm getting better with my response to difficult days with her and hopefully with the help of my sister, our family will be able to get through the fairy tale wedding for our daughter! Thanks for all the advice you share!

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  11. Elle it's as if you wrote this for me, I am not as bad as it was at the start- that raw pain but I feel I am in limbo, it's fleeting agony and anger I am not sure how to love myself though it's been nearly 7 months since dday and he's trying in his way but I sometimes feel I can't go on

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    1. Dear sweet Panda,
      Seven months feels like forever...but your brain and your heart are still reeling from the shock and trauma. Be patient with yourself. Love yourself gently -- make a list of what makes you loveable. I'll start: Your fierce loyalty. Your huge heart. Your determination to make something good from pain. Your commitment to learning. Now...you go. And then post the list (or any number of lists) where you can see it regularly. My then-9-year-old made a list for me that I posted on my bathroom mirror. It tells me that I'm beautiful. I'm strong. I'm brave. I'm talented. Some days those things are harder to believe than others...but the more I tell myself, the truer they become.
      Panda, betrayal is excruciating. Of course, you're in limbo. Of course, you're struggling. We all do. The first year, especially, though it comes and goes for a long time. But the absolute number one step is for you to love and trust and respect yourself. His betrayal is about his brokenness, not yours.

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  12. Becky and innocence I am feeling the same, for some reason I am almost reliving this lately, I have images of them in my head, I also have the photos I took of their texting I found which is how I found out still on my phone I can't bring myself to delete them and I sometimes look at them even though it kills me, I find myself looking in at him and thinking how could you lie to me and our family for 18 months do I know you at all? I am too recalling the god awful lies and because he crossed that line that 'no he would never do that' line and the terrible lies- I think he is capable of anything, of any hurt and in those thoughts I get suspicious again, I too hope this is just healing and ladies I suppose when you think of the time and love and trust gone in to our relationships for it to be shattered in an instant it's going to take time to build that again, when I say this to h he says he understands but questions it, when will I know if this isn't going to work? I can't take much more

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    1. Panda,
      Some of us "know" when our partner betrays us again. Some of us "know" when we realize we're miserable all the time. And some of us never "know" but simply make a choice to either do our best to rebuild or walk away. There is no "right" answer. Give yourself the time and space to get more clear. Focus not on what's "right" but on your next right step. Just that. What feels right...right now. If you don't know, then give yourself more time.

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  13. Thanks for defining this place where I seem to live most of the time. It is comforting to know that others have found ways to soften their hearts and let healing take place. Please share advice on how to do this. I'm open to all suggestions.
    Thanks ladies

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    1. Unknown,
      I think opening our hearts is about being aware of the script running in our heads. Is it a script that routinely catalogues your or his flaws? Is it a script that features fear or anxiety? The way to keeping your heart open is to allow life to unfold, minute by minute, without predicting, without expecting, without deciding ahead of time what's going to happen and what it all means. Without attributing motive that may or may not be true.
      As the Brene Brown video I posted in one of the boundaries posts says, life is better when we assume that everyone is doing his/her best, even if his/her best sucks. And that's also how we keep our hearts soft. We're all doing our best, you included. Some days your best will be better than others. But be gentle with yourself. Be patient with yourself. Compassion for others begins with compassion for yourself. You're going through hell.

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  14. Elle, I swear you're running group therapy sessions here. lol The series of articles lately has been really helpful. As has hearing everyone's perspectives and experiences with the topics. Thank you for this. =)

    So what I wonder is... how can we feel safe without going back to being naive? Do we now proceed with some new form of pseudo-trust?

    I feel like before... I was totally a part of the comforting lie crowd. I just trusted him absolutely and was seriously in denial about signs that should have told me trusting was in poor judgement. Signs of selfishness and lack of concern for me that I failed to react to for years. (Thanks abusive dad!)

    I guess I can't figure out how to half-trust people lol

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    1. Aelia, I'm like you. I'm either all in...or all out. I can't "half-trust". But what I can do is proceed with the recognition that my husband is capable of cheating. No longer will I believe that he will "never" do that. So...I trust myself to check in with him when I'm feeling unsure. I trust myself to enforce my boundaries. I trust myself to know how to respond if I find out he's cheated again. And by trusting myself, I'm able to relax in my trust for him. It's not a "half-trust" so much as it's a cautious trust. I'm counting on him making the right choice for our marriage. It's a recognition that I will never be able to entirely trust anyone. People change. We surprise even ourselves with the stupid things we can do in certain circumstances. But I know I will keep myself safe no matter what choices he makes.

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    2. Thanks, Elle. I know I've heard that advice here a pile of times but I just realized that I don't think I've really let it sink in yet. Need to know it "in the bones" and not just the mind.

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    3. Elle, thank you again for that response. Some time ago you spoke to me regarding feeling safe and secure - you answered then and I came to feel more strongly as time went on, that I will come to rely on myself, feel safe with myself, trust myself - and feel so secure in that. And I love how you described it here. Thank you for that.

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  15. Denise, I must respond to your post which is quite a ways out but I didn't want you to miss this. I too lately have been thinking how nice it would be to fall in love again And I don't mean with my husband. Earlier on, after DDay, he and I even talked about it. He said he wished he could give that to me. As a gift If you will. I did not take offense. I understood what he was saying. Yes, a dedicated long-term relationship is a deeper, more content kind of love. Let's face it, Who wouldn't want to run around for a couple years with endorphins flying through their system? I have fallen in love a few times in my life… And it is fun! I am not saying by any stretch of the imagination that an affair is fun. Falling in love is fun. ( I recognize that all affairs are different and many of them certainly do not even come close to the feelings of love)
    And Elle, to your point, every marriage has its trials and tribulations and yes, even different types of betrayal. Even though I know that, and even though I know people's view of my marriage is none of my business ... I still wonder if people who know about our situation, of which there is a lot of people, if they think, " their marriage is not happy" or " their marriage is a joke" - I actually feel a bit silly even admitting that I think this. But I do. I absolutely know that what matters is how I or my husband feel about our marriage, not what anyone else thinks. This is in the forefront of my mind as we are planning to go to a family reunion, a weeklong family reunion this summer and we will be seeing my family for the first time since D-Day. We have seen my mother a few times since the day, yet we will be seeing two of my sisters that know all the details. It will be awkward for both of us. Actually, all of us. When you see friends and family for the first time, friends and family that know about the affair, it is always a bit awkward. The only ones that we openly spoke to it about with all of us present were our parents. Everyone else heard from either one of us in private conversations. So when we then get together there is that strange awkward quietness and it is never mentioned. I know that one of my sisters wants to make certain that it is brought to light and spoken of, rather than acting as if nothing happened. OK, I am getting a bit wordy and lengthy here. Thanks for listening ladies. Peace and light

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    1. Melissa,
      I absolutely get what you're saying. I've felt what you're saying. There's a scandal in my city right now with a government official who cheated on his wife with another government official. And I ache for the wife because I know how awful it is to go through this...I can't imagine having to go through it so publicly with the whispers and the judgement and the pity.
      All I can say is this: I no longer worry if others look at my marriage and think it's unhappy or that I've settled or if I'm too scared/pathetic/whatever to leave. Instead, I take pride in the decade-long rebuilding we've done. I feel proud that we weathered a storm that many don't. Proud of our hard work. And I feel lucky. Really lucky.
      My eldest has been "falling in love" and I sometimes envy her that incredible feeling. You could have that again with someone else. It's absolutely a choice. Life is full of trade-offs.

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  16. You got me crying with that one! I just came close to a revenge affair with a man who has been cheated on too. I suppose we are both broken and lost in the Shadowlands. Nothing happened, the Universe intervened and now I realise I was looking for light because I'm so afraid of returning to the dark. Through this I've become more authentic and I thought that i was ready to be seen but I was wrong. Sometimes not getting what we want is a stroke of luck.

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    1. Eliza,
      I'm glad the universe intervened. I can't imagine it would have given you what you ultimately wanted. Instead it likely would have created excitement, yes, but also some shame because it doesn't fit with your value system. And, of course, two broken people aren't likely to create a healthy relationship but rather use each other to fill in the dark places.

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  17. A great article about trauma and how to heal yourself.

    https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/20/the-body-keeps-the-score-van-der-kolk/

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    1. I LOVE Brainpickings. It can be arduous to make it through the entirety of one of her posts, especially with all the fabulous tangential reads that her links take you, but always worth it. Thanks for posting this.

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    2. MBS
      Thank you for that link! I'm not sure my h can make it through the entire article, he's clueless about anything psychological! However I can share the parts that applies to the emotional wreck that I was and what I need from him to help me continue to heal!

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    3. I was reading this article and came upon this:

      "Traumatized people live with seemingly unbearable sensations: They feel heartbroken and suffer from intolerable sensations in the pit of their stomach or tightness in their chest. Yet avoiding feeling these sensations in our bodies increases our vulnerability to being overwhelmed by them.

      […]

      Traumatized people are often afraid of feeling. It is not so much the perpetrators (who, hopefully, are no longer around to hurt them) but their own physical sensations that now are the enemy."

      This is what I struggle with...still being with the perpetrator and how to heal simultaneously.

      I've been feeling a real self-loathing for staying with someone that has betrayed me so horribly (with his sexual affair and for staying for his past "indiscretions") and wondering if this is why I cannot heal. I just can't seem to tell if I should just leave to heal myself.

      ~S

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    4. S
      Only you can decide whether to stay or go! Each of us have had to decide based on our individual stories and our lousy husbands choice! I'm making my decision on a one day at time and based on my h having made the changes in himself for his own benefit first and as needed to help my healing! I'm lucky to have a h that learned casual sex almost always leads to broken hearted people! His ow almost drove him crazy over analyzing first his relationship with her and after she blew up my world she spent six months analyzing his relationship with me! So now he's sick of my analyzing this whole time frame! Over and over and I know he wants me to stop and just be over it all but he still doesn't fully understand triggers and it sounds like to me your h is your trigger at the moment. I'm not sure I know the right advice for you but I know I have had to take my time and I have had many days in the past two years that I just wanted to pack my bags and run! I didn't run but instead I began to listen to my h and I began to see the change in his behavior toward me! Our crazy ow had to go to jail for the harrasment but from what I've learned of the affair she pretty much bullied him during and up to about three months ago when the judge reminded her to stop the harrasment or go to jail! I guess I'm also lucky that my h traveled for work and I had plenty of alone time to sort through most of the mess by myself but there are plenty of times I've had to count on him to pull me past a dark spot. I'm sending hugs for the pain you are still feeling!

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    5. S,
      I think your ability to heal while staying with your husband depends largely on how safe your marriage feels to you. If he is working hard to re-establish trust, if he is really examining how he allowed himself to betray you, if he is fully accountable for the damage he's caused, then I think your healing would be helped by his support. If, on the other hand, you feel silenced or shut out or discouraged from doing everything YOU can do to heal, then healing is going to be hindered by staying. It boils down to...is he a friend to you as you work through this? Or a foe?
      The other issue seems to be your cognitive dissonance in staying with someone who betrayed you. And I think many of us struggle with that because most of us always insisted we wouldn't tolerate that. Life, however, often reveals to us our own conflicted ideas. In my mind, whether you stay or go has more to do with who he is in reconciliation than who he was when cheating. Plenty of guys don't change. They just expect their wives to get over it and move on. But lots of guys do change. They're as disgusted with their behaviour as we are...and that speaks to an integrity that can help rebuild a marriage.

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    6. My husband tells me how much he loves me, how much he regrets what he did, how he hopes I'll forgive him and learn to trust him again, but he does not look very far into why he did it. He gives me excuses but not explanations.... I didn't think you loved me anymore, I wanted intimacy, I wanted affection, I want, I want... I have my own suspicions as to why he did it, but when I bring it up, the conversation goes nowhere. He went to individual therapy for a very short period of time and I don't think addressed any of the "real" issues behind what he did. We tried couples, but I was silenced about the affair... apparently, our therapist didn't have that on her agenda, so I quit going. I have very frequent triggers and I'm having an extremely hard time letting go of how his behavior towards me fit into what he was doing on the side. I found out he lied just 2 months ago about some details despite my constantly asking for the truth. I found out about more porn use despite our conversations about porn use. I just feel like I never know if/when I'm being lied to and therefore I just cannot trust him. I feel empty and numb most of the time and I don't want to have sex with him. I fantasize about separation and divorce a lot.

      After his 2nd indiscretion (an emotional affair) that I interrupted about 6 years ago, I told him to get help and figure out what is going on with him or I'm out of here. I asked him how he'd feel telling our then 4 year old daughter about being out with another woman besides mommy and how that would make him feel. It seemed to snap him out of it and he sought therapy for a while and I thought that was it. Clearly not and here we are again. This isn't a 2nd chance...this is his 4th chance. And, I just don't know that I can offer it anymore. I don't trust him. I don't forgive him.
      ~S

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    7. S,
      I'm curious what you are still there? What are you hoping for and what evidence is there that your hope will become reality?
      Some guys just don't want to look too deeply. Life is easier when they can blame other people for their choices. It takes a brave person to really look into his/her behaviour and own it -- to recognize the stories we tell ourselves that make behaviour we KNOW is wrong somehow okay. And it's THAT he needs to get clear on. Not what we he feeling but what stories was he telling himself that made his feelings enough of a reason to lie and deceive and betray. We all get hurt by people we love. We all have times when life disappoints us. We don't all turn to other people to fill that void. We don't all escape into an affair to avoid the discomfort of our lives. So why did he?
      As for his porn use, do you think that's a bigger problem that he's admitting? There's little doubt that porn can become an addiction (as can sex/love).
      Your fantasies about separation/divorce are telling you that your marriage feels untenable. But you wrote something else that gives me pause: that infidelity wasn't on your therapist's agenda so it wasn't discussed. Which makes me wonder why you didn't speak up. Surely infidelity was why you were there. And I'm wondering if not speaking up is a pattern of yours. Do you stew rather than enforce boundaries? I'm wondering if avoidance is something both you and your husband do. Just a thought....

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    8. I have asked myself if I feel this way because I didn't enforce the boundary I set years ago - if you do this again, I'm done. Same with porn - I explained why it hurt me years ago and it just keeps coming back. I think I feel empty because I keep giving chances and sacrificing what I need for myself - we have a daughter and I want her to have an intact family. But, my husband, while sorry and tells me he loves me, just doesn't want to do any real work. I've found his love doesn't equal emotional safety. His love doesn't equal monogamy. His love doesn't equal respect for me. His love doesn't equal integrity. He feels things can be different now, but I just see the same thing. I hate myself for not leaving earlier, but I knew if I left it would be the end and it's just been hard to close this relationship and lose what I've wanted out of a marriage. But, I just don't feel safe with him. So, I guess that means I need to leave.
      ~S

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  18. S, I feel for you and it took me a long time to start to move in the right direction. I felt stuck. And I was hung up even more since I was lied to with two ddays, and then minimizing pronography... Well at around a year out I really started to zero in on me and focus only on that, I was able to move past his issues. That is when he himself really started to process and he did. He had been in fix it mode that entire year. He was so busy trying to help me and wanting me to be happy. Once I settled in and had more comfort he really looked at himself. It was hard and he had some major insights. He has a lot more work to do in my opinion. But I saw real remorse and regret. The transparency and openness about who he is has changed. For me it just proved that I needed to stick to my expectations but also he had to do it in his time. I asked him shortly after dday to be patient with me. I decided to do the same for him. I had to see progress and everything he did was not perfect. The biggest shift beyond how he was seeing things was he is no longer defensive with me. That was huge and has made him more approachable. I have really high expectations now of him and our marriage and I have told him that. It is a lot of work but I was at the point of I felt better and I needed more from him it was just a matter of how long I could wait.

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