Tuesday, June 28, 2016

There's good anger and bad anger. Here's how to tell them apart

"[Anger] diverts one’s thoughts from the real problem to something in the past that cannot be changed. It makes one think that progress will have been made if the betrayer suffers, when, in reality, this does nothing to solve the real problem. It eats up the personality..., it impedes useful introspection. It becomes its own project.... Far from being required in order to shore up one’s own self-respect, anger actually impedes the assertion of self-respect in worthwhile actions and a meaningful life.~Martha Nussbaum, philosopher 
Anger. To those of us following the news, it seems the world is fuelled by it. And why not? There's plenty to be angry about. An economy that, even with figures that show it improving, has left many behind. A rapidly shifting world that requires us to shift with it or wither. A news cycle that churns out many dozens of stories daily, each capable of inspiring outrage, from garden-variety mud-slinging among politicians to a recognition that the world holds little hope for so many displaced or forgotten or just unlucky people who, let's be honest, aren't so different from us. 
I've watched with helpless horror as anger has burned hotter in recent months. And I saw it again on another infidelity site that occasionally takes pot-shots at this one. And as I read comment after comment that gleefully detailed cheaters' various flaws and the lunacy of those of us willing to consider reconciliation (or, as I prefer, rebuilding, which is far more indicative of the hard work involved) as a viable post-infidelity path, I wondered, briefly, if I was the crazy one. Anger, after all, is so easy. There's righteousness in anger, beautifully articulated in that anthem of the betrayed, Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats". It would be a whole helluva lot of fun to kick the shit out of someone's "pretty little souped up four-wheel drive". It can feel good to unleash on the idiot who cheated on us, to catalogue the myriad ways in which he's a no-good loser that we unwittingly chose for, well, why exactly? No matter. We wipe our hands of him. Onward!
Anger can feel like power. And I've written before that it can be empowering. If anger is channelled to give you the strength to create boundaries for yourself, to refuse to be disrespected, to wake you up just how deeply you've lost yourself in a desire to be loved or secure, then that's a good thing.
Just don't confuse it with moving on.
As Nussbaum warns us, anger can become its own project. It can feel so intoxicating that we stoke it constantly. We tell our story, gathering fuel from others' outrage, over and over and over. I entirely support the desire and the need to tell our stories – it's how we process trauma and is crucial to our healing. It's just...at a certain point the hero of our story – us – needs to stop cataloguing the wrongs done to us, stop relishing the myriad ways in which karma is going to kick the wrongdoers' butts, and move into our own transformation. What happened to us is not the whole story. It can't be the whole story if we are to create a life in which we are not simply a victim. The thing with those who traffic in anger – the Trump-like authoritarians who need us to stay angry because their power is built on it – is that victimhood IS the story. There is no transformation. There is only me vs. him. Introspection? That's for idiots, the ones who think that reconciliation is possible. Far better to stay focussed on the crime. The easier to maintain our anger.
And yet, as Nussbaum says in characteristic understatement, introspection can be "useful". I would take it further and say that introspection is necessary. Not introspection as self-blame but introspection as in "what role did I play in keeping myself stuck?" Or "were there ways in which I betrayed myself?" Or "how do I create the life I want either with or without my partner?" You might find yourself angry with yourself because you can see the times you let yourself down, disrespected your own boundaries (or lacked them altogether), didn't keep yourself safe, ignored your intuition. That sort of anger can fuel a transformation in yourself. It can inspire you to fight for yourself more than for your marriage. It can lead to a declaration of self-respect and self-love even while working to acknowledge and address our own flaws. 
Its probably not nearly as fun as focussing your fury (and your baseball bat) on a cheater's truck. 
But far more likely to take us where we want to go. 

49 comments:

  1. You have pretty much summed up the path I chose and boy does it pay dividends that I never imagined.
    Please write that book, Elle!

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    1. Yes, please do write that book Elle. This is another brilliant post. Speaking of anger, almost 30 yrs after my husband's affair with 2 flight attendants our beautiful, independent, intelligent daughter's husband of 6 yrs has cheated on her. Talk about my anger resurfacing. Nothing is more awful especially for my husband than to see our daughter's pain. Now more than any other time he realizes how much pain he caused me. That statement made me angry, too. Think it best to get your anger out in the beginning cause sometime later it will boil over once again. Good luck to everyone trying to heal.

      Pilots wife

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    2. Such a brilliant post Elle. Not sure if my first post came thru but wanted to say how sad it is as a mom to see the legacy that has been passed on in our family. Over Father's Day, our 32 yr old daughter learned her husband of 6 yrs has been cheating for a few mos. my initial reaction was to kick him where it hurts or tear him limb from limb. How to counsel our daughter without letting my own anger over my husband's 2 affairs with flight attendants not color her own pain. Hardest thing as a parent is not to give adult children advice. Of course my husband is depressed & ashamed that this model has been passed on. The good thing is they have no kids so she can start over if she wants. But what broke my heart was when she said that she'd probably just pick another cheater like her dad. Pretty sure they'll try to reconcile but SIL isn't really into counseling. So what goes around comes around? I really hope not but it certainly changes the whole dynamics of our family. So sad.

      Pilot's wife

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    3. Pilot's wife,
      It must be so hard to watch your daughter experience that same pain, knowing you can't do anything but love her through it (which, I would suggest, might be enough).
      Is your husband able to put his shame aside and speak with her about his own weakness? I wonder if he might be able to really make it clear to her that this is NOT about her failings but her husband's. He might also be able to lay out clearly just what she needs to see from this guy in order to determine whether he's worth giving a second chance. It's always the guys who "aren't really into counselling" who, I think, are the riskiest. That desire to avoid insight is a desire to avoid discomfort. And it's that desire to avoid discomfort that leads too many people to distract themselves with affairs.
      Thing is...our kids are highly likely to experience infidelity (or commit it), given the statistics, whether or not they've seen it at home. All we can do is model self-respect and integrity and then watch some of them, at least, learn the hard way.

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    4. This sounds heart breaking. I am so sorry. I have not dealt with this level of parallel experiences, however I feel like I am much more open and honest with my kids due to my husband's infidelity. I was much more of a people pleaser and alphas appeasing people. Not anymore and my advice to my kids has really evolved. It is so much about setting boundaries and having self respect. Even if if means losing a friend. I do feel the pain of everything though when I see them or someone else going through anything similar and that is hard. Thankfully for the advice on this site and my therapist I feel more equipped than ever to face it.

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  2. Great post. I have found through this anger and focusing on the past only results in me being stuck. And I have said it to my husband over and over no matter if we stay together or not I need to process and work through all of this. And yes there are angry days and moments but it is exactly as stated here. It fuels me to be more vigilant, focus in taking care of myself, setting or reestablsihing boundaries. And in the end I do not want to be a bitter person overshadowed by anger.

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  3. Anger… they say that anger is only hurt in disguise. I have no problem feeling hurt, yet I struggle with feeling anger. I will say that since learning of the affair I have certainly had more practice with anger. Just a few nights ago my husband was in a foul mood and picking at me. My initial reaction is tears. In the past, I may have went off by myself and simply cried. Later I would have addressed the issue with him. He would've never seen my anger. Hell, I would've never felt it. This time, the tears came first and when he inquired as to what was wrong (because he often remains clueless) I spoke my mind. I did not scream or yell or use foul language, yet I did express my anger. And with that I asked him what is really bothering you? Anyway, we got to the bottom of it. My point being I look back on it and I am proud of myself. My individual Counselor taught me something that I will never forget... We were working on my ability to feel and express anger. She said to me, "anger is educational ... Anger is informative ... Or something to that effect. In essence, she was teaching me that you can learn from your anger. And as she said even if you don't express it. She also taught me during the time period right after DDay about anger modulation. And she recommended a book called the Dance of Anger. I read it and will read it again.
    I still have quite a ways to go in regards to feeling and expressing anger. Interestingly, I have no problem expressing anger in my work situation. I certainly would have when I was younger. I find with work ( not my current situation but my past, where my individual counselor pointed out that I was in a tux a quick environment) - with that work situation I was able to express my anger when it came to protect you my staff and protecting myself. When it was apparent to me that management was being unfair unreasonable. And Emma and just thinking out loud, maybe that's it? Maybe in my personal relationships I simply need to speak up when I am being treated unfairly… Just as I did the other evening. Thank you Elle for bringing up this very important subject for me. My final thought: Remember, You are a treasure.

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    1. Thanks Melissa. :)
      And yes, I agree that anger can be instructive. It's giving us important information about where we feel disrespected or violated. It's when anger becomes the end point that it can become a problem. Without asking what anger is pointing us toward, it just becomes bitterness.
      I'm glad you were able to use your own anger to talk to your husband rather than hiding your pain. That sounds really healthy. And it's interesting that you can express anger in a work environment, which makes me wonder if you hide anger in personal relationships because you feel less able to express anger. Somewhere you may have got the message that there was no room for anger in a personal relationship, that anger felt dangerous. Just wondering....

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    2. Yes Elle, you are absolutely right. As my individual counselor and I worked through, or at least identified… my emotions were stifled as a child. I was never able to express anger and if I were to cry I was told to pull myself up by my bootstraps. Now, I will point out one thing. I am not a parent, My parents raised 11 children and not all of us felt that way. Obviously nature and nurture work hand-in-hand. I was a shy, sensitive child and highly affected by what I was or should I say what I thought I was supposed to do in order to be perfect and to be loved. That was the role I chose as a child. In some ways it is ironic my father was, as I've noted here before, the head of the household and seen almost as God like. He did not necessarily talk to us about our day for example yet when something that he thought was very important needed to be said he lectured us - one at a time. And when I say us it was not all of us just a select few which I learned later were his favorites. Believe me, I did not feel like a favorite as I sat in a two hour lecture. Nonetheless, I would never even think of expressing anger toward my father. My mother was another story. She was more directly involved in our day-to-day lives and because of that I felt more free to express myself to her. So, I have always had some difficulty, in the form of shyness, obedience, in the face of authority… Especially with men. Dad and I became closer and had real conversations prior to his death which was a blessing for me. OK, I'm going to get off the couch now LOL.

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  4. I get angry when I'm triggered by him esp. when I've asked him to do something or not to do something and he does it anyway. I don't use my anger to make him suffer, I genuinely want to heal whether our marriage makes it or not.

    I was angrier in the beginning. But anger is part of healing like you said.

    I do hope you stay away from politics on this site. I support Trump b/c I couldn't vote for a woman whose husband has cheated on her with over 1000 women. And she blamed the victims in public.

    I love my country and really the ONLY one who can fix it is God..not politicians.

    A moral country would ban porn b/c it demeans women and traps them into sexual slavery.



    But we are no longer a moral country. Even the church is addicted to porn.

    Update on my daughter: I evicted her 2 months ago and she's pulling it together. She's gotten a part time job which is all that there is out there and she's going to church and Celebrate Recovery for her eating disorder. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did it out of love. We talk through FB but I only let her come over once and that was a disaster. We might have her over soon, but just for a few hours. She had to learn her lessons the tough way.

    Anne from VA

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    1. Anne

      My heart goes out to you and daughter. I was just dropping off my youngest at a eating disorder behavioral health program when I read your comment. She's going to intensive group 5 days a week while home from her first year of college. Eating disorders have impacted me and my three daughters. I'm grateful for the help we have received.

      I did laugh at your "I do hope you stay away from politics on this site." Agree it's hard to be a 'moral' nation with so many "Scarlet Lettermen" and those women who collude with this type of male power...and yes the money & corruption behind organized crime, sex trafficking and epidemic porn industry impacting the globe, and especially our youth.

      But I guess many people wouldn't vote for me either or like me since I stayed with a man who cheated on me for 18 years. I speak vocally and publicly about my husband's behavior as well as the women involved. I don't see any victims I regard them as all equal participants. I think any of the OW involved with Old Bill kinda knew he was married? Who were victims? Hell, Monica was working on her (at least as we know) second married man. I've yet to hear her be accountable for her own actions. Oh, I've seen her Ted Talk presenting herself as once so naive and young and now bullied as victim.

      Now, THAT kind of female blameshift shit makes ME angry.

      With all respect to anyone's views we can agree to disagree. Regarding Moral integrity there appears no high ground for us to land. I will not vote for a man who proudly boasts about being a serial cheater and adulterer who physically assaults and bully's women and more disturbing, asks the public if they think his daughter is "Hot" and states that if she weren't his daughter he'd do her because, She's so "Hot." Good luck America we need it.

      P&L
      Jane



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    2. I think this belief in absolute morality is what traps us in anger. I also think that moralizing drives all of us into shame which prevents us from being able to live whole hearted life. And I believe shame is the reason for many incidents of infidelity.
      Anne, maybe check out Brene Brown and Momastery's Glennon Doyle Melton, who are both practicing Christians from Southern States. They both share how compassion supercedes morality and allows for true healing.

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    3. Being caught at adultery has made my H a more thoughtful, spiritual person. I find this super annoying some days. I recently blew up at him (again!) saying, "yay for you, but I really did not need this opportunity for personal growth!" Seems I was wrong...

      I am learning a tremendous amount from you ladies. MBS's comment about compassion superseding morality and allowing for healing is really hitting home right now. My pride is fighting it ("Unfair unfair unfair! I was the good one!"), but I think my soul knows it to be true.

      You know how when you buy a new car, you start seeing that make and model everywhere? I'm hearing this message everywhere now. I'm taking it as a sign that I'm finally ready for it. It's time.

      A couple weeks ago, speaking about an entirely unrelated topic (euthanasia), the Pope said “Compassion does not mean pity, it means ‘suffering with' (com-passion, in Latin). He said that when doctors share in the suffering of their patients, the “sacred value of the life of the patient does not disappear or become obscured.” I've been thinking about this "suffering with" in context of my H, with me as the patient. I do not want pity and I do not want to disappear. So even tho my pride does not want anything good to come of my H's betrayal, it seems the universe is telling me it is time to allow his "suffering with," the compassion he has been offering. And for me to extend the same.

      My only addition to MBS's comments (Brown & Melton's) would be that I'm not sure compassion supersedes "morality," but it certainly supersedes "moralizing." I will hold fast to my morals -- adultery is immoral and not okay under any circumstances, end of story -- but I will make more room in my heart for love. It can take the spot I've been wasting on pride.

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    4. One more thought -- (its been that sort of day...) -- I remember when the whole Clinton scandal first came out. I was in my mid-20s and not yet married. I was not generous towards Hillary. I assumed she knew -- how could she not!
      -- and her reaction was all a political calculation, etc.

      Ha.

      If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would want to sneak up to the White House in the middle of the night, crawl thru the bathroom window and across the tile floor -- bc you know that's where she was, just like we were -- and hold her until she was cried out for the night. I would do it for any betrayed wife in the world now, without reservation.

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    5. Yes Sal, "moralizing" is a better term. There is nothing wrong in having personal morals, or as call in my own mind--commitments to behaving with integrity. But moralizing about others and how they should behave is a waste of time.
      Frankly, I am proud of Hillary for making a decision that was in her own best interest and no one else's. Back in the 90s, everyone thought you had to leave the cheater or else you are seen as pathetic. When Hillary said she was "no Tammy Wynette," she was saying to me, anyway, that she wasn't a believer in staying married at all costs, but that she clearly had bigger fish to fry and bigger goals for herself to let his behavior define her.

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    6. Here's what I wonder though... was it actually a decision in Hillary's own best interest and no one else's? Is mine? Is yours? I want to believe yes -- I would find that admirable -- but... ???

      It seems to me that being betrayed is at once so universal in its agony, and so unique in its particulars.

      And I see now how naive my assumptions were before my own DDay. I knew of betrayal only in a casual way -- it happened to tacky celebrities, or friends of friends -- not to "real" people. Not to people like me. It happened to women with sordid backstories, women who must have done something to deserve it, women too stupid, too impulsive, or too ambitious to make good choices.

      Well...
      I no longer have any patience for judgement of a betrayed spouse. Even if they do something that seems batshit crazy, I give them a pass for trauma and hope they eventually are able to heal and find grace. And I hope the same for me.

      I can't know what is truly motivating Hillary, or all of Trumps wives, or any of the women on this site -- or some days, even me. But I realize how irrelevant that is to me now. I know their suffering.

      And as awful as betrayal feels -- so horribly awful that I can't even think of a word to adequately describe it -- I am beginning to feel that -- for me -- a gift lies at its center: compassion. I have long professed to be a Catholic, a disciple of Christ. But I realize I am only now starting to truly understand what that means. Maybe believing this is just another form of naivete, and I'm being as much a fool as I was in my marriage. I don't care.

      As for Hillary. I'm not wild about her politics -- she's too far to the right for me. But I'm certain she's a lot more complicated than I once believed. And I rejoice that, despite it all -- every ugly, misogynistic, hurtful, hateful bit of it -- she believes in herself enough to keep on running.


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    7. Sal and MBS

      I love this conversation, it summerizes so much of how I feel and think as well.

      As part of this process, I have also reflected on some very public Infedelity cases including the clintons and have a very very different perspective now and a lot more compassion. And yes I'm sure Hilary was also on the bathroom floor just like the rest of us.

      Sal, I agree with you Hilary is a bit to the right for me as well, but I love what you said. "She believes in her self to keep running". So true and I hope we all do.

      Love and support

      Becky

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  5. This so resonates with me now. I'm caught in this phase of still being angry at what happened and sometimes with myself for not trusting my intuition vs. knowing that I need to release some of that anger in order to heal and transform myself - whatever that looks like. I do not even know if my marriage will survive this (it's looking like, not) but regardless, I know I need to fight for what I deserve and make myself heard. And you're right...it's soooo much easier to focus on your fury and anger at the other person for what they did TO YOU. It's easier to blame them and hate them for their actions – all of which were wrong. But, if we never move beyond that, how do we help ourselves in the end...whether we move on together or separately? It's such a tough line to walk and every day is a different emotion but this post gave me a little bit of a pep talk today so thank you.

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    1. Photo Girl,
      I think that fury can be an important piece of this. I've noted a few times on this site about something I read early on in my own healing from a marriage counsellor who said he worried less about the wives who were angry than the ones who blamed themselves. Anger can be a powerful way of reminding ourselves of our boundaries. But, as you write, staying in that place can eat us alive. It's about using the anger to point us toward a different place, to leverage it for us to take action, whether that action is getting us (or him) out the door or whether it's to make clear, inviolable demands around what we need to consider reconciliation.

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  6. My H cheated on me briefly between April 24th and May 8th (Mothers Day also D Day). We have chosen counseling and to try to stay together after 23 years of being together and 16 years of marriage. The anger, fear and emotional "sickness" that crops up due to unforeseen triggers is the hardest part. He is working at being as helpful as he can, but I can see he has no idea the depth of this damage to my being. The only outlet that I can use to redirect my anger appropriately is exercise. I am told it takes about 2 years if the couple works hard to heal. Currently, I wonder how. Roughly 60 days have gone buy and my emotions are still agonizing at one point or another on almost a daily basis. This is what I most of all want to stop, the anger and emotional shit storm.

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    1. What finally hit my H between the eyes was making him sit at the computer and read Elle's answer to the Other Woman. It puts into words the depth of my pain that I could not communicate to him. When I read something that I think he might need to read, I leave it on the computer for him and we discuss it after. It works for us.
      Good luck, Carol the First

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    2. Amy,
      I think when we hear the two years (or three- to five-year time frame often cited) we imagine that we'll feel this same level of pain for that entire period. You won't. Right now, you're experiencing the gut-punch agony of discovering a partner's betrayal. You're trying to make sense of something that feels nonsensical. There's shock, grief, confusion, and, yes, a lot of anger. It's a total roller coaster.
      Ride now, you pretty much need to ride it, doing what you can to mitigate it. Exercise was my salvation too. I used to go running at night when it was dark and cry the entire time. But it was a good release for me and I returned, emotionally and physically spent.
      With time, the emotions aren't so wild. With time, you'll be able to better manage the triggers. You'll be able to talk yourself down, to remind yourself that you are safe, that you're strong enough to handle this, that you're braver than you knew.
      And yes, he probably won't ever really understand the depth of your pain. Most of us never imagined how excruciating betrayal would be until it happened to us. You can encourage him to read some of the posts on this site -- the "Letter to the Other Woman" that Carol the First cites above is a good place to start but there's also a Letter to a Husband that might resonate too. But there are also other books (scroll through Books for the Betrayed link at the top of this site) that might help him too. His ability to empathize with your pain, to truly take responsibility for his actions and their impact, can go a long way toward helping you heal.

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    3. The best saying from you Elle was worry about the next right step not the future and a month or a year down the line. I tend to worry about the future and things I cannot possibly have control over. That statement jolted me and brought me back to that. I literally was like I need to exercise, eat and feed my kids. And if that is all I did then so be it. If they missed their activists oh well. It was really about basic necessities at that point. Gradually I was able to take on more. But it took time and I really forced myself to be kind to me. That is something I have never done. I always pushed myself and I was always last on my list. It was a big shift and took time but just worry about the next step or what you have to do today. I pulled back on commitments and non essential responsibilities. It worked so well and now over a year past dday both my husband and i struggle when we are over scheduled. We got used to focusing on us more and not over committing.

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  7. I'm learning to use my anger/hurt to educate myself with both my mother and my h. Triggers still occasionally pop up but we are learning how to deal with them together and he has helped me through several really hard times. I'm so grateful for this blog and the information that continues to help me grow as a person!

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    1. I continue to realize just how much my husband has changed in his ability to really support me when I'm dealing with all sorts of things -- from frustration with the kids, to career setbacks, to...whatever. He's come a long way toward learning to listen, to not feel responsible, to not feed to fix. He told me the other night how much he appreciated me listening to him rant about some garden-variety frustrations in his life. "You're the voice of reason," he told me. I hadn't done anything more than listen and then remind him that, in the grand scheme of things, those were things we could handle easily. Frustrating yes. Life-altering, no. Amazing how powerful it is when someone can just witness our feelings...and allow us to feel them.

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  8. Perfect timing, this blog. Today, I have chosen to be angry again. It started yesterday, with that vast emptiness that sneaks up every now and then and leaves me feeling restless and sad and stuck. I poked around at the pain until I struck an angry nerve, and voila!, I felt something. Something! Yes, I'm getting really good at locking my feelings away for brief periods of time until they start banging on the door and I have to entertain them for a while. I don't know if its good or bad; I just don't know. But I know that I find more strength in anger. It empowers me to focus on me, to be strong in the moment, to reject the feelings of sadness, rejection, victimization and neediness. I'm tired of being needy, so I allow myself to be angry long enough to remember where I find my strength. Oddly, in the days after D Day, when I was at my lowest, I was at my strongest. I set boundaries and stuck to them. Eighteen months later, its easy to fall into old patterns of behavior and old ways of thinking. A healthy anger takes me back to where I found my strength.

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    1. Denise,
      I agree that anger can help us find our strength but I do think that it can also keep us away from the anxiety of recognizing our vulnerability. Without that vulnerability, however, we can't really have deep meaningful relationships. Anger keeps others at arm's length.
      I would urge you to get closer to your sadness. Don't let it scare you back into anger. You're sad for a very good reason. And that neediness isn't crippling. It's a reminder that you're human. That you're vulnerable.

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    2. But ultimately, I have to face the fact that I'm sad because I'm simply stuck. I won't leave, because I value my family more than my happiness (and certainly I have no way of knowing that leaving would make me happy,) but staying means I have to accept 'good enough' in my marriage, instead of the love I desire. Sadness doesn't lead me out of sadness; it leads me to a dead end. When I stay there, I find the sadness impacts every aspect of my life, including the people around me. I was vulnerable for many, many years, and in the end, I discovered my vulnerability served no good purpose. Anger in check gives me a healthier perspective of life, as long as I don't wallow in it. It forces me to recognize that I can have a rich life with many meaningful relationships, but short of supernatural intervention (I still believe!) my relationship with my husband will be based on mutual friendship and history and the need to preserve our marriage for our children and grandchildren. (And good sex, finally. That's no small thing.)

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  9. Just like the rest you are stating the obvious but not really any direction. Did the anger change me? Absolutely.. I tried to muddle through this nightmare as best as I could. The chips have fallen and this is what I am left with. I can rage in about 1 second if my mind is allowed to go to that day. I try not to think about it but it is always there.

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    1. Shawna,
      I'm not sure how far out you are from learning of your partner's betrayal but that sense that it's "always there" is something I would hope you could heal from. Sure, it's "always there" in one sense -- that event that changed so much -- but it can feel less like a looming shadow and more like a shitty thing that happened but that I've dealt with. I guess what I'm saying is that, by keeping it at bay, you're almost giving it more power. And behind that anger is likely a boatload of hurt. Dealing with that can go a long way toward dissolving the anger.

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  10. I think (hope) that I have finally put the bad anger behind me. I was trapped in it for a long time. The good anger did help--kept me going, made me put my foot down and set clear boundaries, made me realize just how valuable I am and that I had been selling myself short. But I was stuck in the bad anger for a long time. Sabotaging myself and my marriage every time things were going well because being vulnerable to the person who hurt me so badly was scary. My anger was becoming my shield. The problem was it wasn't protecting me from more hurt, it was hurting me.

    My biggest hurdle was that a part of me hated him. And I couldn't say it. I felt if I said it, that would be the end of everything. Finally one night a few weeks ago he dragged it out of me, and after I said that a part of me hates him, he said that he already knew that. How could I not? And the funny thing is, admitting it out loud released its power over me. I will always ALWAYS hate what he did, but the part of me that hated him? It's gone now.

    This week was our two year anti-versary. It went so much better than I thought it would. We talked and cuddled and cried together. He told me for the thousandth time how sorry he is, and that he will never betray me again, and I believe him. He's proven himself over the last two years with honesty and remorse.

    I have real hope for the future now. I know that I still have healing ahead of me, but the first anti-versary was so bad that I never would have thought I would feel as good as I do now.

    Thank you so very much for your blog and the work you do. I don't think I could have made it without this safe space of ladies who understand. XO

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    1. Gee,
      Your experience shows so clearly what we often talk about on this site: What we try to hide/ignore looms so large. By pulling things out of the dark and into the light, they so often lose their power.
      I'm so glad you were able to do that. Your husband is right. Of course part of you hates what he did and, even, hates him, or the part of him that made that horrible choice. But he's showing you that he's not that person now, that he doesn't want to be that person ever again. And by putting down your shield of anger, you're able to let him back in.

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  11. Thank you for this entry. It couldn't have been better timing for me. We are 8 months after DD. I felt very stuck...stuck in the "how could he do this time me....OMG he realy did f%$k anoman...35 years down the drain....blah blah blah" He stated from the begining how sorry he was how he regretted everything he did. I set very clear boundaries and he accepted and honored them. We have both done a lot of work to get where we are.I found myself self stuck consumed by rage and anger with a short fuse. The other night I went off....by the time I was finished my husband was curled up in the fetal position crying on the floor. ...and for what purpose? I know that he is very sorry, I knows that he regrets everything,I know that he loves me and wants to make our marriage work. He has never once defended his actions with the OW. I would not ever let him talk to me the way I talked to him.....At that point I realised that I no longer liked what I saw in myself. I was still living life as a victim.I have made the effort to move forward...it feels good. I am sure that there will be bad days and triggers but I am determined to not wallow in self pity.
    Thank you so much for this blog. It has been my sanity saver these past 8 months

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    1. Gage

      I had one of those moments at right around 8 months also. We had come so far and done a lot of work but for some reason I was stuck. I have no idea why and cannot pinpoint it. We were traveling and at one point in the evening I just lost it. And I was ranting which I normally do not do. I went on and on and eventually was sobbing. We went back to our hotel and missed out on a group dinner with friends. It was hard and my husband was not the greatest but I was attacking him. After we got back to our hotel we sat down and ate together and just talked. Nothing major was figured out really that I can even remember but it was pivotal for both of us. For me it was a major turning point. I really started to personally heal after that. Maybe I just needed to let it all out and dump everything I was thinking on him for him to see what my brain felt like. There really were no answers for what I said to him. After he processed it though I think he felt my pain more than ever and I felt true remorse from him. Over the nest three months I really healed personally and we spent more time than ever. We said we were cocooning and going through a metamorphosis. And I really did change and once I forgave him was when he really started to look at himself.

      There are still rough days but I am thankful for that huge blow up at month 8. It was a major turning point for both of us. Best wishes you keep moving forward.

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    2. Gage
      You sure are a lot further at 8 months than I was capable of being! I admire you for that! I'm just arriving at the point of realizing that if our roles were reversed and he screamed at me like I did him not once but several times, my spirit would be crushed and I don't think I could have stayed with him! He on the other hand lets go of anger hurt feelings and just about anything emotional! One of the biggest differences in us as people! Keep your positive attitude and march forward to a better life!

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    3. Gage,
      Thank you for your honesty. I saw myself in this. Good for me to hear. I've been feeling like my anger is outliving its usefulness, but I think I've just been waiting for it to go away. Good to hear your reminder that I need to make an effort to change.

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    4. I've been exactly where my BWC warrior sisters are. The screaming. The recriminations. The cruelty. And as I so often say on this site, behind all that anger was terrible hurt and fear that if I wasn't totally controlling him through constant reminders of my anger, this could happen again.
      Hardly healthy. Or pleasant.
      But as you all describe so beautifully, you can change that story. You can learn to feel the hurt and fear without the mask of anger. Cocooning can be a really valuable way to reconnect, to shore up the foundation.
      Anger can be an important signpost. But as Sal notes, it outlives its usefulness and becomes toxic, not just to our marriage but to ourselves.

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  12. Its been a LOOOOONG day so for once this is short? I hope. I am having a horrible bout with anger and rage. it's been 6 days since my last outburst--no, 7. what happens is i feel compassion, true compassion which I cannot BELIEVE seeinng how he lied about money (he was never as poor as he claimed, he just did not deposit his checks--he cashed them and saved the cash for booze and hookers. All this after a beautiufl letter he wrote me post DD1. I know he has pain, he's out of the house and (FINALLY) doing real work during the day and sleeping on the floor at the same place at night. He put himself there, I feel compassion and THEN it might take an hour, it might take a few, but i RAGE. I RAGE at him (to the point that I thought he may have killed himself last week-we only write and text--no voice) I called to make sure he answered his phone, when he did, I hung up and let him know via text it was me. I am so HUMILIATED in my trust with him. He had seemed to come so far, not as far as I thought and looking back, not as far as he said. He got downright CRUEL in in actions last year (yet i can truthfully say as I always have he's never uttered an unkind word to me. So this rage, I am working with my shrink (trauma mode treatment) and and an Anon program which I dont agree with 100 percent at all, but it gets me together with great people and it's ME time. I have N E V E R felt rage like this. its 3.5 weeks out and when it hits, it hits, i still dont have tears. I still have my boundrays, but I am ripping apart my own self respect by hoping he can get his shit together and come home in the distant future. I cant stand the thought of seeing him now. So this compassion, it turns to rage and although I have every right, I am not letting him slide on ONE littlething, even apart and you know what? I NEVER will again. No more excuses. None. He's human, but so am I and look where that's gotten us? sucks.

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    1. Steam
      I'm so sorry for the feelings you are living through. I know them well! I'm still shocked by your h behavior during this critical time in your lives! I can't imagine how hard it is to be going through a new dday and learning he's living in lies! Sounds like he's really good at lying to himself! When I was in the rage state of mind I can't even remember what half of the words I screamed at my h were but I remember having to get it all out of me and bless his heart he just took it. Knowing you are raging through text may help you get it all out. I'm not sure if I could be in the same room as your h either! I'm sure you therapist will help you with the rage but you have a right to be raging through this mess! I hope that your h is really looking at his behavior and seeks the help he obviously needs! Sending you a virtual anger room, they do exist, for you to smash your anger out in! Hugs included!

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  13. Anger, wow. I can be sucked into that in a flash, quicker than a bolt of lightening but it is getting less all the time and I am getting a better handle on it. This post, like so many others I've read, seems to confirm that I am on a healing path. My husband will read anything I send his way and I believe he is truly remorseful about his past behavior and happy about his one year "sobriety" around porn and sexual compulsions. He looks great, acts great and is so incredibly willing to change his life for the better. I recognize that my hurt over his past behaviors is just that, the past. None of us can change the past. The grief I have that manifests as anger is not helpful at all and when I do succumb to that anger/rage, I immediately regret my outburst because that is just not who I am or who I've ever seen myself to be. I am usually a very loving, kind and compassionate woman and it hurts me so much when I cannot control myself. I don't want to inflict any more pain on top of the pain my husband already has due to his early childhood experiences and the lies he told himself over the years based on the abuse he experienced at the hands of adults who were suppose to protect and love him. This morning I was able to tell him in all honesty and truth that I love him unconditionally including all the good, bad and ugly parts and that I know he is now living the life he always wanted and felt he deserved. He will tell me when his emotions get hijacked and he starts feeling stressed and poorly about himself and he also tells me when he starts feeling badly about something I said to him that he clearly interpreted defensively. We are 65 years old, have been married 37 years and I suspect the rest of our lives will be spent in a more honest way that will include a lot of "why did you think I meant it that way when I only said X,Y or Z?" This feels so real and so good and so authentic. Even when the crazy person inside of me surfaces and wants to slash my hurt husband to pieces. He never deserved what he got as a child, I never deserved to be on the receiving end of his pain via sex addiction and porn and neither of us plan to let those things interfere in the life we are rebuilding together. I know it will be rocky at times and I hope he can be strong enough to keep his demons at bay and so does he. We agree and know that our lives depend on it. It is so helpful to have this safe haven to come to and know that Elle is there to remind us to be gentle with ourselves, keep strong boundaries and speak our truth. Peace and Love my sacred sisters. Beach Girl

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    1. Wow Beach Girl, that's such a great letter. Your ability to hold your husband's childhood pain alongside your own pain from his choices in your marriage is incredible. Our hearts expand, I think, when we can make room for such compassion -- for ourselves and for others.

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  14. Looking for advice ladies… A little background - from the time we were married, 20 years ago, it slowly became apparent to me that my husband needed to help people, fix things around their houses etc. in order to feel good about himself. Now, is that such a bad thing? It is a very kind and giving thing. The problem becomes he is more apt to fix things around their house than our house. We have had that discussion and it is apparent, when he does it for someone else it's a good cause, when he does it for himself or us, it's a chore. So two things of late have really bothered me. He is building an outdoor work shed for his brother-in-law. He is doing this near his parents house about four hours away. With his work schedule he leaves on Wednesday night and comes home Saturday night when he goes to work on the shed. He has done this four times thus far, and therefore 12 days, and he's going at least two more times. I am going with him this coming weekend. Last night he said to me on the phone that his brother-in-law wants to build another shed next to the one he just built. And my husband wants to help him with it. I got angry and told him that his brother-in-law can hire someone to build the shed. ( he has plenty of money. ). OK, so this is something he is doing for the family, yet it is one person or another all the time. The other night our neighbor texted him and when he did not respond because he did not see the text she texted me if my H could please come to her house as a man was passed out on their property. He actually was very very hot and h took him some water and the man went on his way. There were two times during our marriage where by my husband was going to a single woman's house, two different women, and helping them to install cable, fix their golf cart, repair this or that ... I explained to him that he should not be helping a single woman with these kinds of tasks and that this type of thing is what can eventually lead to an affair. I was well aware given my history. So when he did have the affair ( it was not with either of these women) yet it was once again his need to have his ego stroked, only this time he was the hero in helping her to leave her supposedly abusive husband. And then of course once the husband left apparently my h helped her fix things around the house etc. OK, believe it or not, I am getting to my point. So, if I've painted the picture correctly my h is the one that everyone goes to, that needs help building or fixing or repairing ... Or I guess approaching a passed out stranger on the road. He's the go to guy always willing to help. The crux of all this? Yesterday I found out that the home next to us was sold to a single woman with a son. The realtor said she is very nice. Apparently I am still struggling with trust issues because my first thought was oh God here we go again. My husband is very extroverted and he will undoubtedly become friendly with this neighbor ... And the writing is on the wall. Through all this I recognize I cannot control anyone yet I do have an opportunity for boundaries. I am just not so good at boundaries, honestly. In the past I would have simply warned him or pointed out to him what may happen when you become "helpful" for a single woman. Now, what should I do now? In regards to the new neighbor and in regards to his desire to go up again for possibly another four or five weekends to build another shed for his brother-in-law. In regards to that second issue it is not as upsetting to me, because I do enjoy my time alone. It is simply where we are in our marriage I feel that his time may be better served building the marriage rather than building a shed. OK, as usual, I got a little windy. Thoughts please.
    Love to all.

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    1. Melissa--so many of our individual stories have threads in them that to the average person, may seem innocuous, but through the prism of sex addiction, betrayal and boundary issues these threads are crucial pieces of the story. The man in my life was a "helper" (a funeral director for 19 years, volunteer with everything, then he became a police officer). He was always fixated on getting everything just right for everyone--except, obviously his wife and four children. Our therapist began by dismantling his "currency". What paid his emotional bills--because everything he was so deeply involved in was at the exclusion of us. It was our therapist's position that the man in my life got too much "pay-off" from being everyone's favourite helper/fixer/rescuer and inside a committed relationship and family that pay off doesn't really exist. In my support group run by a CSAT, he suggests that it can play into the entitlement cycle (I deserve to be praised, admired, desired, adored...) or fuel a narcissist to be the hero of everyone's story (not suggesting your H is a narcissist). We were encouraged to seek out brand new ways to create fulfillment and I wonder if that's what your intuition is pushing you to do? Why build a shed for someone who could hire a contractor, when you and H could volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, contribute time to seniors art or music programs at long term care homes, or walk shelter dogs together. We began volunteering at a breakfast program and the man in my life admitted that he was experiencing TRUE giving and that the rush of being Mr. Wonderful had been replaced by the peace of improving a child's experience of the world around them. Your Spidey Senses appear to be asking you to make a course correction and you're superb insight will get you where you want to go.

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    2. Melissa,
      I think what OAPM writes is bang on. In the absence of your husband seeking treatment (and insight) into his need for admiration/ego strokes, you're left with what you can control: you. What happens when, instead of trying to schedule your husband's time, you tell him that you need more time with him and that his commitments to others are impacting your ability to spend time together? Or what happens when you express your fear about this woman moving in next door? Can he hear you? I can't help but wonder if the problem isn't so much what he's doing (you admit yourself you don't mind time alone) but that your feelings around what he's doing aren't being considered by him. I wonder if he was able to reassure you, to make a commitment to spend time with you and then honour that, if your resentment and worry would go away. Is the problem what he's doing? Or is the problem that he's dismissing your feelings?

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    3. Thank you OAPM and Elle. I truly appreciate the insight and the questions to ponder. OAPM, my h and I have done quite a bit of volunteering together - it is most rewarding. Even still, it is not something we do on a regular basis, more sporadic. Yes, I would absolutely like to do more. I think it is a great way to bond. OAPM, thank you for sharing the insights of your therapist and group. Unfortunately my husband is not willing, or by therapist assessment, capable, of delving into his own psychological issues, so I love to learn from other sources. And Elle, yes, I believe you are right. My husband is attentive to my feelings much of the time, actually, but there is a definite problem area…. In a nutshell , he is sensitive to my feelings only as long as he agrees to being sensitive to my feelings. That may sound strange. Say, he did or said something that stepped on my toes. He becomes aware of that and comes to my side to make certain that I am feeling OK. I have always appreciated that. Yet, there was a time he was repeatedly going to a particular woman's house to fix everything she asked him to fix. I expressed to him that this was not appropriate and I did not like it. Yet, he disagreed and therefore he went. We were actually in counseling at that time and the counselor pointed out to my h that any wife would be upset by my Hs and this woman's behavior. ( my h seemed to think it was my insecurities or my sensitivities or just my reaction alone and that I needed to change my reaction I was thankful that the counselor said otherwise.). This was years ago before the affair and I would hope that my husband would see the danger in that now. And would be sensitive to my feelings in that area. And I do believe that I, too, have a problem and that there are times I am fearful of expressing my wants, needs and desires. Fearful because he is not a yes-man and I feel rejected when he says no. And I'm talking about a simple thing such as let's go for a walk. I tend to be one that will do basically whatever he wants to do. I do it because I'm pretty easy-going in that regard. Yet, sometimes when I ask to do something if he's not in the mood and he doesn't want to, I feel rejected. I am attempting to get over that and do what I want to do anyway. And better yet, to recognize that he doesn't always have to do what I want to do and to recognize that if he says no to an activity it is not a rejection of me. Thank you once again; I will continue to ponder.

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  15. Beach Girl here with a helpful article about Emotional Flashback Management.
    http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

    In my ever ending search for peace in my heart, head and life I search for anything that will help me and my husband move forward. The past is gone. I just read about Emotional Flashbacks and this article has some really helpful suggestions for managing the kinds of experiences I have in my body and mind. I am on day 4 of positive energy, no fear and contentment with my life. It feels like I have turned the corner and when I said that to my husband he said, "I think we actually changed roads." God I love that man. Peace and Love to all. Beach Girl

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    1. Thanks for this, BG. It's great when we can share resources to help each other along.

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  16. Sal. Your comment on crawling through the window to sit with Hillary brought me to tears. What judgement we all had on her (although I was pissed at Bill. Pissed. I could not stop asking the question "I wonder what SHE did". It's shameful. My rage is disappearing. No matter how far in the past my H transgressions were they were brand new to me. And thus the rage the hurt the shock. But now exactly a month out the compassion is staying around longer. The "suffering with" as I think MBS said. That is for me, key. I still do not trust myself around him. That hurts and is sad. I am afraid to even consider taking him back somewhere down the line I can't live a life of utter uncertainty. And then I realize there is no certainty in anything. So maybe. I sm working so hard and it's wonderful. vakerky (sorry spell check) you were the first person who I saw recommend "your sexually addicted spouse". I agn ores it for years because ya know. My h "just had" an affair. But now knowing without a doubt that he is clinically a sex addict that book has saved my SANITY. Thank you. And I owe an apology to anyone I may have belittled (and if I did. I did not mean to) about porn. I NEVER saw porn as an issue. Never. Whoa--so wrong because for so many it IS. I Had no idea. So I cultivated acceptance that this has happened. Again. I am a friend to my anger. And now try to take her on nice walks and show her nice things we've been hand in hand, different, anger and for 6 days now. Because she REALLY got a work out. And I hope she's ready to rest. Right sling dude my other companion "humiliation". Ladies. Your guidance. Your wisdom. SLAYs me every time !

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  17. actually my own spelling slays me every time too.
    What I mean tto say is I hope Anger is ready to rest, "right along side my other companion "humiliation"

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