Wednesday, August 10, 2016

What does Glennon Doyle Melton's divorce mean for those of us looking for healed marriages?

Glennon Doyle Melton, whom many of you know from her Momastery site and her first bestseller, Carry On, Warrior, a collection of her many incredible essays about what it means to find sobriety, to find a higher power, to find that you were enough all along, shared the truth about her husband's betrayal a few years ago.
In the time since, she has also shared a few details about their healing, a story that became her second book Love Warrior, which will be released in September.
But, just a few days ago, she shared another part of her healing journey, an unexpected and, to many, difficult piece of news. She and her husband are separating.
It can be hard for those of us hopeful that we can rebuild our marriages after betrayal to witness what we see as the failure of another couple to move past the betrayal. I know, early on after D-Day, I clung to the happily-ever-after stories. I needed desperately to believe that the path I'd chosen wasn't foolish. That it was possible to create something wonderful out of such pain.
It has been almost ten years. And while I hesitate to confess that my husband and I are ourselves going through a tough time right now, the truth is that our marriage is probably a lot like many of my friends who haven't experienced betrayal. It's got its ups and its down, its disappointments and its joys. Some days I look at my husband and wonder how we're going to make it another twenty years together (hell, I wonder how I'm going to make it to dinner without strangling him) and other days I wonder how I could ever live without him. The legacy of betrayal still rears its head now and again but mostly our challenges are more pedestrian. Disagreements over curfews for our children, frustration with who does more around the house (spoiler: it's me).
But there's no doubt that we've had to grow in order to heal from betrayal, in order to create a marriage that can weather the storms. And there have been (still are!) times when our growth doesn't keep pace with each other. Part of our most recent challenges have been around exactly that. I was worrying that he had...stalled. That his dedication to our marriage was flagging. I wondered, with little humility, if I was simply more psychologically evolved than he was. That he had reached his limit.
And then, with me handwringing that I just didn't understand why our son would behave in a certain way, he stunned me with his insight. In one simple sentence, he clarified the situation. Then he went back to watching some idiotic show on television, leaving me aware that a lot more goes on behind his brown eyes than I give him credit for.
And so I offer you this assurance. That, if you choose the path of healing and self-love post-betrayal, you're in for a brutal, beautiful journey ("brutiful", as Glennon puts it). You will change. There's no other way to reach healing. You will change in ways you can't imagine and that will alter how you show up in the world. Your partner might grow alongside you, not necessarily at the same pace and sometimes not in the same direction. Or he might choose a different path, one that leads not to growth but to a continued life in the shadows. But you, I hope, will continue to choose light. You, I hope, will keep your inner compass pointed toward the truth of yourself and your worth and knowing that you are, have always been, enough.
And so you'll be able to make your own choice about your marriage. No matter whether those around you are able to rebuild or choose to leave those marriages behind, you will be able to follow, with clarity and compassion, the path that's right for you.
It's what Glennon Doyle Melton has done. She has not betrayed those of us who've hoped that she could light the way toward a healed marriage. She has simply not betrayed herself and it is that truth that lights the way for all of us.

71 comments:

  1. I have not read her work but have seen the posts of others that have. One day at a time my h and I are growing together. Like you said not always in the same amount or direction. And yes when it comes to cleaning the house, I do most of it because he's usually the one messing it up! We have an empty nest, but my h and I entertain a lot of friends and family... They too are messy. However, I do see how hard my h works to keep us on the path to his retirement and to a happier together future! I love your truth when you say marriage has its ups and downs! It did before the affair and certainly does now as well!

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  2. Elle, I'm sorry your going through some tough times with your husband, I sometimes forget that you have lives like the rest of us on here with family, children, husband, work etc etc.. it makes you seem so much more real when you give us a glimpse into your life..Im not even gonna start trying to give you some advice (that would be weird) your the queen of advice and I want to keep it that way : ) . I really hope you and your husband will make it another 20 years together you've overcome so much together and battled betrayal head on. Big hugs Elle you do a fantastic job here and we so apreciate you and your precious time that you give us xxx

    I've not read the book you mentioned Elle but I hate to see relationships breakdown especially after betrayal I still cry to my best friends wedding song 12 years after she split from her husband, lol she laughs when I tell her, she's really happy in another relationship.

    I'm very close to throwing the towel in on my marriage, I just can't accept this 2nd d day and the fact I'll never trust him like I need to as a wife.. I suppose it comes down to each person what they can and can't accept.. For mr I feel there is too much damage done to repair. Sometimes I want to rush this bit and see into the future of what's in store other times I just want to make every minute count as we never know what we challenged we will be faced with tomorrow...

    Thanks for this Elle got me thinking.. P.s tell your hubby from me he's a lucky lucky man!!! Love ya lots xxx

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    1. Sam A.,
      Your comment re. me being " real" speaks to something that's so important for all of us to remember. Nobody is as together on the inside as it might seem on the outside. We're all -- every single one of us -- "real". And that reality includes stupid arguments with our partners and kids, messy houses, self-recrimination because my "fat" jeans are now my too-tight jeans, etc. What counters all this? Self-care -- compassion and gentleness with ourselves. A commitment to our integrity.

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  3. I too, am still in the stages of clinging to the happily ever after stories. Only eight months out from D-day. Feels like so much longer. As many of you know, just begun a constructive separation. Day four in fact of officially living apart. It still makes my heart clench to think about it, even though it is real and happening now. Maybe because of that and because I still love my husband (just don't love his choices), and because I am still hoping to rebuild my marriage, stories of them coming apart hurt me, scare me. I am in such a weird place. Believing in myself, knowing that I am worthy and that I deserve better, but at the same time being afraid that if he fails to choose me or us that it will be because I am somehow not enough. That if we don't end up together it will be my failure. Even though I can clearly see for others that it us not a failure at all. That it is about what was missing in their husbands. Today I am feeling so needy even to the point that I worry when I post here that I am not giving back enough. I need to just pause and breathe and maybe get something to eat. And remember that my story is still unfolding and that even when things look like the are falling apart, they may be coming together in a new way. That this separation is the beginning of my fight back. I'm probably way off topic now. Working on being real and vulnerable in this safe place.

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    1. hi SS

      Thank you for this post, you gave a lot!! Because you allow me to say me too!!! And feel less alone. I am feeling a lot of the same things you expressed. My H and I are about 1 week into a constructive separation as well.....only he is acting very very different from how we discussed and planned the separation.

      Thank you for being real and vulnerable- you give me courage to try and be the same. Let's be kind to ourselves and love ourselves through this.

      Love
      Becky

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    2. SS,
      We women are so incredibly hard on ourselves. Think of this site as something of a church -- you come here to get filled up, to be nourished as you go back out in to the real world. Your presence here is enough. We each bring something to this incredible table that is Betrayed Wives Club and that is enough.
      I admire your courage, SS. What you're doing is really scary. But you're doing it for all the right reasons. The right thing is rarely the easy thing.

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    3. SS,
      I am happy to let you know that there is hope. My D-day was a few years ago when I discovered my husband was a porn addict. For the first year I thought everything would be fine if he just quit using. We muddled through that first year trying to get back to some kind of normal when a second D-day came and I discovered my H had relapsed for seven months. This was when things really changed for us. I set a very firm boundary requireing my husband join a recovery program if he wanted to work on our marriage - which he did. But, what really made the difference for me was that I started my own recovery process. I worked on me and found my inner warrior who learned that I was going to be fine no matter what my H decided to do. Our story is still being written as we speak. He is becoming a stronger man and I am becoming my own hero. I am doing things with my life that I had only dreamed of before. For the first time in my life I truly love myself and accept all of me. I can actually say that what seemed at first to be the worst thing that ever happened "to" me, was actually the best thing that happened "for" me.
      The icing on the cake is that because both my husband and myself are committed to recovery, our marriage is stronger and better than ever. As I said, our story is still being written and I have every hope that we will have many happy together years to come. But, even if something should happen and our marriage takes a turn in the wrong direction, I know that I will be ok.
      I know that you will be ok too. Hang in there, work your program and if your husband works his, your marriage just might have a happy ending. Either way, you will be stronger than ever before and you can create a life that you love.
      Blessings to you,
      Sandy Brown

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  4. I knew you would help us make sense of this, Elle.

    It wasn't until I let go of an outcome, mainly that my marriage wouldn't fall apart, was I able to find peace. It took awhile to let go of the idea that I could only be happy, and survive if my husband didn't leave me and our marriage was healed. The thought of divorce drove me to panic. How could we afford it? We will be breaking our children's hearts! I would be the ultimate failure! I would be the jilted wife! Shame, shame, shame....
    Then, when he still couldn't grow in the way that I needed him, I knew that I would have to plunge into all those fears and unknows whether I like it or not. I chose to feel the fear but also focused on connecting with my own joy and peace because that would be the only thing that would keep my alive for my kids through all this.

    And eventually, I saw my husband grow enough for me to decide that trying to heal our marriage might be worth it. But even now, I know nothing is guaranteed and that I could loose this life of ours in any number of ways. But the thought of losing my marriage doesn't fill me with fear anymore.

    If we want to have a marriage worth having and that actually has the potential to last, I think we need to let go of wrapping our value up so tightly in our marriages and this 'til death do us part business as the end all and be all of marriage. We sign up for that before we know what marriage really is or with the mistaken belief that ours will be different than the failed ones we know because, you know, its true love. We can't hold ourselves to this false promise based on romantic thinking, true love and soul mate myths. If we can enter into marriage, or re-enter into our current broken marriage, with more honest expectations, more love and compassion for ourselves, and knowledge of how to love another, we have a better chance of building a strong one that will last "til death do us part."

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    1. MBS

      Thank you for sharing your hard earned wisdom here. I feel you are lighting the path me. Thank you sister.

      Becky

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    2. MBS,
      Your experience sounds a lot like mine. That shame is powerful. And here's the crazy thing: My husband cheated. And I was the one taking FULL responsibility for whether or not our marriage stayed together. If I stayed, the kids would be fine, my husband would be fine, our homelife would be fine. The only one I wasn't so sure about was me, but that was the price I was willing to pay. I was well aware that I felt I was sacrificing my own happiness for everyone else's.
      And then...I saw my husband grow and shift in ways that were painful for him but long overdue. I watched him become a better man, one that worked hard to live a life of integrity.
      And suddenly staying didn't feel like a sacrifice. Of course, marriage is hard work. There is no "happily ever after", just day after day of work mixed with pleasure and joy and contentment. But absolutely no guarantees.

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    3. Bravo MBS! You couldn't be more right. We have to love ourselves, determine our own value and worth to show up for our relationships with honest expectations. When our boundaries are clear and we know where we begin and end in relation to our spouse, we show up differently. When we truly love ourselves as we are, we can honestly love others as they are. That doesn't mean we become someone's doormat, it just means that we get to choose what is right for us instead of settling for what we can get.

      Blessings to you,
      Sandy Brown

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  5. The thing that scares me the most is not knowing. Not knowing what my future will hold. My husband and I are 'working' on our relationship after I discovered his affair only 6 weeks ago. He has a very difficult time showing emotions and has not expressed much remorse in the way I need him to. He is still acting reactively to the idea that I need him to be an open book, making his phone, computer and banking records available to me. He desperately wants us to move past this, never to speak of the infidelity, deceit and betrayal ever again. We are constantly struggling to move forward. At times, I'm not sure that I like the man that I see. I hate this uncertainty in my life. Still angry, confused and in shock. Will this ever change??

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    1. Anonoymous August 11
      I'm so sorry for what I know you are living through! Those early weeks and months to come will be a roller coaster of emotions. Therapy can help sort through those questions you have. The uncertainty you feel was always there. Even before he made his choices to cheat. My h had a hard time understanding why I needed details of his affair. I had to understand it for my own healing. You ask will this ever change. That depends on so many things. Like your h, mine has a very difficult time expressing his emotions. In the first few months, he kept saying do we really have to talk about this again? Well yes we did as many times as it took for me to process the pain and shock of the reality that he cheated. I had to be patient with myself as much as I had to be patient with him. Not easy some days. Time has helped and so for me the change came when I was able to hear what my h was saying. His ow continued texting for six months. My h continued to be nice to her while telling her to leave us alone. I couldn't understand why the hell her feelings mattered and then I realized he was afraid of her. During one emotional exchange where I kept screaming why do you care what she thinks or feels, he could only whisper why can't either one of you believe what I say about how I feel. The two women he had lied to over a three year period of time was suddenly expected to 'hear' his truth! I finally did stop talking and started listening to him. That's when change began for us. Not easy not without a lot of painful discussions. My h finally realized that not showing me text from her was not protecting me from further pain but instead was causing more. That's when I felt like he changed his demeanor with her. My advice is to take it slow. Find a good therapist and don't expect too much too soon. Forever is a long time and none of this is easy nor comes with any guarentees for happy ever after! Sending you hugs!

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    2. You are still so so early in the process. My husband took nearly two months to finally get out of the affair fog and actually realize the damage he had done. Until then, he still made excuses for why he befriended the OW (no one liked her at work, she never got promotions, her marriage is in trouble --- wah, wah! maybe because she's a terrible whore! anyway...) and nearly trickle-truthed me to death. I am 13 months in and the big dummy is still so dense sometimes when it comes to my emotions and his and how to function in a normal relationship. Therapy is a good idea. And just lots of time and self care.

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    3. Theresa can he block her number so he won't get text? Mine had to but Boise it's an apple phone, if she calls it will still go to voicemail and show as a blocked call. Her emails will go to trash so I find myself being the detective and checking for these things daily. I hate that I feel the need to do this!

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    4. Debby
      He really can't block her at this point in time as there is a pending harrasment charge hanging over her head for the continued contact. In March of this year, she had to go back before the judge for breaking the court order for no contact. According to the attorney, the judge read her the riot act and he thinks she gets it this time. All I know is she was ordered to leave us alone for the next year or go sit in jail until the case is called. She asked for a jury trial, and my h and I were about to drop the charges when she again asked him to meet her for drinks and no hard feelings. We are aware she is mentally unstable, but we don't think she will risk jail time. I've been convinced since he first filed the charges against her that he wants nothing more to do with her. We both feel sorry for the pathetic person she is. I was hoping the judge would order a mental evaluation as in my opinion she needs help. Thanks for your concern. Hugs!

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    5. Anonymous,
      There can't be one person working on a marriage. It simply doesn't work. Can you ask him what "working on" your marriage means to him? Because I suspect it means something different to him than it does to you. Betrayal is devastating. It creates post-trauma symptoms in many cases. There are many who consider it emotional abuse. Your husband's desire to minimize what he's done to you makes me nervous. Six weeks out is early...but unless he's willing to do some heavy lifting (in the form of really getting to the root of how he allowed himself to hurt you in this way, why he was willing to risk his marriage), then I fear you're going to be working on this marriage all by yourself.

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    6. Anonymous,
      You have every right to expect your husband to be an open book. And every right to speak of betrayal, infidelity and deceit. To heal, you have to run toward those uncomfortable feelings and not away from them. Face them head on as you would any dis-ease. Not talking about them doesn't make them magically go away. Talking about them will make them go away. If your husband is in therapy or some type of recovery, he will learn this. Running from painful feelings is what got him into this mess in the first place.
      Stand firm in what you need from him. No one ever grows unless they are uncomfortable. No matter what he does, you do your work and you will grow stronger. Your life is up to you and you can take back your life whether or not he decides to do the same.
      For you both, I hope you find your lasting happiness.
      Blessings to you,
      Sandy Brown

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  6. Hi Sisters

    Why is it so scary when we see someone else do something brave???

    When I read G's blog I had so many emotions... My heart broke for her, my heart broke for me, I was scared, I was proud of her, I wanted to scream nooooooo, I wanted to be like her..... Standing in truth and not betraying myself and very very afraid that i either don't know how or don't have the courage.... Or both.

    This feels so real and relatable to me right now. My H and I separated. This first week has been super scary and painful. He seems to be distancing himself for me in every way, physically, emotionally. His behavior is like a neon sign saying I don't want to be married to you anymore. I know he is back with lots of contact with the OW.

    Although, he says to me that he does want repair and have a 2nd marriage ect.... But his actions say the opposite. This past week he really doesn't mirror to me the same hope and commitment of healing growing reconnecting that we did leading up to the separation.

    Is this just a freak out period??? I am thinking of saying I want no contact with him until he fully decides and commits to a path - either a true process of healing and marriage repair together or we go our separate ways.

    For those who have separated, what type of contact did you have during the separation? What was your experience?

    Even those who have not been separated any input minimal contact no contact... I am just feeling so confused because he is is acting so different from how we talked about this separation.

    Love
    Becky

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    1. Becky, how are you holding up? Weekends are tough for me for whatever reason and I was thinking about you. My h is back in touch with the OW and has been sliding down that slope for a while. That's, for me, why we are living apart. He needs to get sober. A friend had an insight I wanted to share. It's basically that with many addictions it takes the user a couple of attempts to get sober, so the addiction of an affair will very likely be the same. Especially if you are dealing with someone with addictive tendencies. This perspective was helpful to me. Along with this other perspective from a friend who was separated from her h for many months ( and with a brand new baby, what a selfish dick!) That she was anxious and attached at first, very worried and freaking out (sounds familiar) but that over time she adjusted. At the same time her h was calmer early on. The space took off the pressure and gave him time to breath. But as time wore on the started to get more anxious and freak out so little and eventually to a wtf have I done phase. Some of our peers here have certainly moved into the "not really worried about it to much anymore" phase. We can see in comments below. So we'll get there sister.
      As far as contact goes, I'm aiming for balance. Trying ad much as possible to let him reach out first unless there is something about kids, home ie business we need to deal with. Basically a strategic withdrawal. As long as he us still involved with the OW, he doesn't get emotional access to me.
      Saturday was really tough. Got a great workout in, hung w my kids, made spaghetti w my son and even went to neighbors for wine and board games. But in the back of my mind I'm wondering what he's doing with his day. Did he go to therapy? Did he kayak or fish? Was he working on some landscape project at his cabin? Did he talk to her? Then my head spins off to did he fly down to see her? He's got the time and he could be back in time for the family cookout we are having later today. I know that is both crazy and unlikely but it was the kind of shit he was doing during the work week at the height of the affair. ( This is when I start picturing the stop sign, or just start yelling fuck fuck fuck in my head). I realize some of that ruminating and story telling is an outlet for my panic. I will have his behavior and affect as clues later today. (ling story short, I'm having some family over for a cookout and pickle bsll. he wasn't originally invited but he had asked our daughter to dinner and she declined and then my son asked me to invite him. So I did. he thought about it and then said he'd like to pop in. )
      So I went to bed watching the heat lightning and wondering what he was doing. And hoping he was thinking about me too (hello high school) and then getting mad at myself for hoping that. So tough first week but hey, I made it. And you made it too Becky! Hoping I stabilize and can refocus on my work this week. Trying not to think to far ahead. Love.

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    2. Becky (and SS),
      I've been away so I'm sorry I'm just getting to this now. How are you both doing now? I think the fear comes when we try to control things that are beyond our control. Like a husband's behaviour. I think the calm comes when we focus on ourselves, when we practice radical kindness to ourselves, when we surround ourselves with people who love us and want only the best for us.
      Making your expectations clear is a good thing. But be careful you realize that you're simply stating what you need, not trying to manipulate or control him. Create your boundaries and then be prepared to respond when/if they're violated. It's hard, especially if we've never really been too good at it. But it can be liberating to let go of outcome, trusting that, not matter what, we are going to be just fine.

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  7. Elle,
    Thank you for this. I have been a follower of Glennon Doyle Melton since Carry On, Warrior was published. While I hardly know Glennon personally, the news of her separation has hit me hard, harder than I ever expected. Since reading her post, I feel as though I have taken a few steps back in my own healing and in the healing of my marriage. I have been doing more reflecting, more reading, more thinking, more processing but as usual I am walking on that treadmill and going nowhere. Maybe it's just time to STOP thinking about the affair and the healing so damn much. It appears I am on a pendulum so to speak, wanting to at once let go of the wounds and memories of it all, but still too attached to the idea that I might still be learning from the wreckage to do so.

    I pre-ordered a copy of Love Warrior, but I am hesitant to read it. If the news of her separation has me in a bit of a tailspin, I'm scared of what her own account of her broken marriage restored will do to my warped mind and heart. Maybe it's her vulnerability and her willingness to be so very open about her life that has me freaked out. I'm not quite sure.

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    1. Diana,
      I think when we're not feeling on solid ground, we're easily swayed by others' choices. We feel threatened if their choice is different than ours, validated if it's the same.
      But either way, the problem is our own ambivalence.
      And that's a scary spot to be in. But she's been there. Remember we're hearing the result of years of working together to heal their marriage, years of wondering if she was doing the right thing. And, to hear her tell it, it wasn't so much the betrayal that tore them apart, it was the healing. Which can happen. Sometimes, once the dust has settled and we look around, we realize that we don't want the same things anymore. Betrayal shakes everything up.
      If you're not sure you can read Love Warrior (you might feel differently a month from now when it's released) then tuck it away. Focus on you and what you want. Focus on your marriage and where it's right and where it still needs work. Or give yourself a break from it all and it just focus on finding pleasure day to day. On being kind to yourself.
      This is your path, Diana, no-one else's. And you live with your own choices. What's more, we don't make a single decision to stay with a partner. We continue to make that decision every single day...or not. You have the right to make a different choice a week from now, or a month from now, or ten years from now.

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  8. Becky I totally understand what you mean... My h is behaving exactly like yours.. I have a number of reasons why this maybe the case. I reckon my h feels as if I have pushed him out, left him in the cold and he's somewhat bitter st my decision to ask him to leave, ( it wasn't a joint decision). I find my h is also less likely to make the first move unless I give him the green light. I put I'd down to the fact he is scared of yet more rejection from me so he is taking the cowards way out and being distant.. There just my thoughts but your h seems to be behaving exactly like mine.. I'd give him a bit more time becky a week is not very long in terms of him getting his shit together we've been separated 2 months and I don't see much difference in him but a huge difference in me, I'm less needy, text him less, miss him less and I focus on me so much more. Becky this will become easier but I think you need to now concentrate on you, use this time apart to find out who you are and what you want..

    Big hugs becky xxxx

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  9. Wow a lot of us are in separation phases right now. For me just over two months. After d-day 2. Part of me is so embarrassed. The amount of writing I did for this site in 2014 when things felt so good. Part of 2015 too. I had no idea he had started to act out. No idea he was a sex addict. No clue he was drinking again These facts made a separation an incredibly easy call. We had agreed when he did not want to go to AA that if he drank again or screwed around again he would leave. The boundary was easy to carry out. I was just sticking to our agreement. The first 9 days I was horrible. I Said things via text and email ONLY that I didn't know I had in me. I was LIVID. I didn't want to fight I wanted to attack. I did. On day 10 I found compassion. Now I work on me. I have completed a kitchen and living remodel alone. Took a vacation alone. 10 days. Foreign country. He always translated. I found out how good I was alone. I was impressive!!!!ive Gone to 2-3 12 step meetings a week (although I refuse to Identify as a co dependent in either if his addictions as I didn't know about either being active.) although I do have some Codie tendencies). I see my shrink every week. I spend time with friends outside of work every couple of weeks. so for me it's been self focus. My energy and creativity is through the roof (although it's zapped by 3 of the six pets who are under medical treatment I realize how much energy I had put into making sure he was happy. Ok. Healthy. Sober. Productive. Happy. Happy happy Damn. I had no clue how exhausting that was. we still only communicate via text and email. I do not trust the words that want to come out if my mouth.

    At the start it was all
    About getting back together. Now it's about "how are you doing" "I'm doing fine" and checking in with some funny stories or sweet stories, even a couple of pictures. . I send him things I'd like him to read (an amazing link from the national psychologist somewhere in this site is the latest.) he has bad days I let him solve on his own. I always jumped in to help before. When I am overwhelmed I ask him to help at the house (when I am gone). It's not a normal "relationship" right now but it's working for me. We have a date. Yes a date Saturday night. I have not seen him or heard his voice in over two months. I don't want to talk about a freaking THING. I want to have fun. Normal? Maybe not. There may possibly be a lifetime to work on this and talk. And maybe not, But for me? Right now is not the time. His issues are too deep for me to deal with. So I deal with mine. They can get heavy. So I want to have some fun. And it will not include sex. I could not have done any of this after d-day 1. I wanted and he said then he wanted to work in the relationship. I did it. He didn't and he had me entirely fooled Unhappiness was creeping in but I was not sure why. I read my journals. My slow decent into sadness began when he purchased a throw away phone. And I had no idea. None. One day I'll tell the whole story here. It's insane how spot on my intuition was. I just didn't know what it was about. Why I was so baffled and unsteady. . Right now there is no relationship to work on. I love him. He loves me. But we've not been very good at it. He failed much worse than I ever did So this weekend. I choose fun.

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    1. Steam, you have been so inspiring to me. My dday 1 was in 2014 & my husband has lied for almost 2 years as well....it defies belief. We absolutely have no idea what another person is up to, even with all the "transparency" in the world. It's actually freeing in a way. I can give up my control & fretting & clenched fists... Time to live for me now. Thank you for continuing to share & inspire!!

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  10. OK, I may have gotten this thing figured out. I got a new phone and and have been having difficulty posting.
    To Becky about separating. My husband and I separated last year for six weeks and what was considered a controlled separation.
    Just prior to our separation he admitted to me that he had contacted the OW. I made it very clear to him that if he chose to continue to be in touch with her we would need to end our marriage - in essence I asked him to man up and just admit to me if he was in touch with her. And if he would prefer to be with her, as much as it would hurt me that is what I would want. Honestly, I was extremely happy that he told me he had been in touch with her… There was no way I would've known otherwise. It was written in our separation agreement as to how much contact we would have. We did have date night once a week during our separation. I actually spoke with him or saw him on a daily basis. In fact, he later complained that we weren't actually separated because we saw each other so much. Truth be told, a lot of us seeing one another was instigated by him.
    Yes, I too had a very difficult time with our separation. Obviously my difficulty was in the fact that I knew he had reached out to her - and wasn't certain if he was still in touch with her. At the end of the six weeks he wanted to continue the separation and I told him no… If he wanted to save the marriage he needed to move home and work on the marriage. As far as his contact with the OW, I am not certain exactly how much contact they had I know they were texting they spoke a few times and they saw each other at least once ( he assured me there was no sex and I believed him, as she was having sex with someone else and he was very fearful of STDs for which we had been tested previous to our separation). As hard as it was I recognized the fact that it is very difficult for someone to end their affair, especially in the case of a long-term affair where emotions were involved. After he came back home he was not even certain he wanted to be here. It became apparent as time went on that he was confused about whether or not he wanted to be married. We had some counseling we watched videos we read some books and articles and we fought and we loved and little by little we are coming back together. Most recently he is extremely attentive. Funny, he says to me a few nights ago it is so nice to have you back LOL! Like I was the one who left? He went on to say that he feels we are getting closer day by day. Continued…

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  11. Continued… The book that help me the most during our separation was called the divorce remedy or divorce busting or something like that. If you want to save your marriage much of the advice was like doing a 180. Our separation was April, May of last year. During our separation I visited a divorce attorney. It was really difficult for me but I knew I had to protect myself. I took a girlfriend with me to take notes as I was too emotional. And later when my husband moved back home he was actually shocke, literally shocked, that I went to see a divorce attorney. And just some food for thought… During our separation, especially the first few weeks I literally filled my calendar was social activities with girlfriends, especially those who knew of my situation. What else happened that was great during our separation. I learned how to use the lawnmower - and I took ownership of our home. The decision had been made that I was keeping the house, yet previously I didn't take ownership a specially with the maintenance and the outdoors. I also took over the bill paying. So it was a win-win for both of us in that regard. I now help more outside (he has always helped inside) and I pay the bills so that I am more in tune with our finances. I do really believe that a separation is a good thing / the outcome will be wonderful for you regardless if you remain married or not. You cannot help but get stronger during a separation. ( and I know, it hurts like hell)
    The universe is unfolding exactly as planned. You are exactly where you need to be. Love and light ladies ❤️

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    1. Melissa,
      I think it can be a really important and empowering step to visit a divorce lawyer right away. Though it can terrify your partner (though I'm not sure he needs to know), it can give a really clear picture of what the practical side of things will be if you leave. I call it an Exit Plan and it's important to have one. I think it helps us remember that we have options. That we're not trapped.

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  12. Hi steam.. Wow I'm so happy your happy: ) I can totally relate to what you have said... Let us know how Saturday goes... Well done you've been through so much but your personality and character has got you to where you are now in your happy place.. Big big hugs steam xxxx

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  13. All of this is so helpful. I, too had a dday 2 @ the end of may... H had ended contact (mainly verbal + 1 sexual) a full 8 months after dday 1 & then still continued to chat periodically in person....all unknown by me. He has gotten more healthy over the years..less depressed. Our relationship had gotten better. But this is SO not about me or our relationship or even love or need. Its about healthy. Is he healthy enough to be in an honest relationship? Who knows? We were separated in house for a few weeks & then for a month. He came back in the house last week & we went on our already-planned vacation. Its too much too fast. We have had sex periodically... But I think its been riding on the fumes of old feelings from the relationship I thought we were building this spring. Before I found out about all the lies. He IS putting in the work & is doing whatever I need....but then, he always seemed to before

    I have just realized after many freakouts on the vacation that I just don't think he has been honest about the timeline of his continued contact. Things don't add up. And that makes me question his honesty now...although I do think it's over. I'm unsure enough & he seems remorseful enough for me to try & wait & see... But I don't think I can place myself @ risk for STDs...that can't be undone. Have felt like if I set a no sex boundary that we will have nothing left (that was our go-to strong suit). But I can't ignore this gut feeling that there's more... Seems like a no-brainer when I write it all out.

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    1. Queen B,
      As painful as it is, I think full disclosure is really important. It's a way of giving you all the information so that you can make an informed choice about what's next. It's about respect for you. It's about accountability for him.
      Are you two in counselling? Because it might be something a counsellor could facilitate. It's good to have someone there to mediate.
      If he won't agree to it, then that says a lot too.

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  14. Feeling rather hopeless right now. My husband has been distancing himself from me after some choice words I said to him the other weekend. My mom (who doesn't know about the affair) had been in the hospital and I was worried and lashed out at him like I do whenever the world doesn't seem safe anymore. I regret some of the things I said. I know I only meant to hurt him. And now I am worried. He says he doesn't have hope anymore. That I don't trust him at all (this is true) and that I will never forgive him. He now prescribes to the idea that honesty is better than nothing, but the things he says hurt me and make be feel unsafe. Honesty in what he is feeling is great, but it's hard to hear when I still feel vulnerable and unloved and unsafe. I feel like right now we are both clinging to our own hurts and feel like we can't reach out the other because we would have to drop that bundle of anger and hurt that we are grasping so tightly. Before the affair, we never fought, never yelled, never called names or said things to hurt one another. I don't know who we are anymore.

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    1. Grace
      I've been exactly where you are! Before his affair and dday, we hardly ever had harsh words! Since this shit started, I lost me and I certainly did not recognize my h! However, after many times raging through my anger and hurt over many months, we are getting to a better place. That said, last night, I almost had a major trigger and he saw it coming and he was able to apologize for the situation. He had told his ow our relationship was in trouble because every time he talked to me it just fell on deaf ears. Well last night, he didn't hear a damn thing I was saying for a full conversation and I just blew up and walked out the back door to cool off! Before I did the slam of the door, I screeched, you told her I never listened to you but the truth is you are the one that rarely listens to me! We have had a very stressful two weeks with our daughters wedding and all the parties involved and we're both physically and mentally exhausted! I was just trying to get him to take care of his cracked sore feet and he was just not paying attention. Last night could have been a disaster but he quickly realized that it was up to him to defuse my anger by apologizing and soaking his damn feet. I'm still hopeful this baboon of a man will understand just how much his past choices have changed the dynamics of our relationship and that his attitude and how he listens to me or not matters greatly! Hang in there! Be patient and kind! Those are the hardest things in the world for me sometimes! Hugs!

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    2. Grace,
      I've been where you are too. That dance of pull-me-close, push-me-away that is doubly terrifying after betrayal. It's a lot of work to learn how to show up when we're scared, to be vulnerable, and to let our partner be vulnerable. Most of us really struggle with that. And it sounds as if your husband, hurt by your words, has retreated, which is, of course, triggering your fears. Again.
      You need to learn a new dance and it takes time to not step on each other's toes. Are you two in counselling? That's something you would work on there. It can be really hard to figure out on your own when emotions are so raw.
      In the short term, sit with the discomfort. Notice how his retreat triggers your fear. But remind yourself, over and over, that you are okay. You are enough. It's fear of abandonment on each of your part. And the only way to move past it is to trust that you will be okay, no matter what. It will hurt if he can't be with you but you will be okay. Only when you truly know that can you show up and be vulnerable with each other.

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  15. Becky, I am right there with you in week number one of the separation. And not knowing how much contact is right/wrong/balanced/appropriate. I feel like I need space and also want to give him the space he's looked for by pushing for this separation but I also want to do more. So he really starts to feel my absence from his life. Even during these tumultuous 7 months since dday, when he pendulumed between me and the OW and feeling ambivalent and not sure what he wants, I don't think he realized how much he relied on me emotionally. Until more recently when I realized I needed to stop trying to fix everything for him and protect him from mine and the kids pain. So I try really hard not to text him first or at all on any given day. And try to keep it business, about the kids or housekeeping stuff.
    I did not want this separation, even though our MC was pushing for it back in April. She is all about the tough love and that he needed a reality check but also that we need space to become healthy individually before we could come back together as a couple. I just wasn't ready then. And as the months progressed, I thought we were getting somewhere, but I suspect his contact w the OW was ramping up again as he struggled with guilt and shame etc. So fast forward to June and I'm reading about tough love and seen posts on here by women who had to ask their guys to leave to wake them up and he tells me he is flying down to the office where she works, ostensibly for business, but also because it is her birthday. I was like WTF how are we back here? How is this the guy who back in January was "ending a destructive relationship"? So I asked him not to go. And his response was "I knew you were going to ask me that." and he went anyway. Bastard. So I told him that I felt he probably needed to move out. But we didn't do a knee jerk. We developed a plan with our MC that involved him finding the place first and being ready before telling the fam and kids. And setting a time limit. I'm really not sure where his head is. He didn't want to divide up bank accounts or anything like that. And when looking for a place, did not want to take anywhere for a full year. At first, as he panicked, was really resistant to not being able to come and go as he pleased at the house. But the MC and I were able to get him to understand that this would not be fair or create the safe place I needed to heal. Even recently, I had to ask him to knock and announce himself before coming in. He felt weird about it untl the MC pointed out that I would knock before entering his place. And he really got it. So he knows I am hurting and is trying to be respectful of the space I need. At the same time, he's been reaching out when we've gone a long time between texts. I am trying to maintain an even keel, but between this being the first week and I am very PMS and it is the 2 yr anniv of my dad passing and my girl and I got stranded in an airport yesterday, its been kind of rough. (me playing a tiny violin to myself, but dammit I'm allowed). I'm hopeful and afraid to be hopeful.

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    1. SS

      Wow you have been through the ringer this week too!!! You have been in my thoughts as well. Try to take some time and be gentle with your self in the midst of travel, family events, emotional roller coasters, supporting your kids, the list goes on......I am sending you love just for you and your wounded heart.

      I told my H, that I won't be contacting him. I need to be still, silent, and breath with myself right now. If he wants to reach out to me he can and I will always be happy to hear from him. I don't expect for him to contact me for a few weeks at least maybe more.....

      I know he is in a freak out stage and I know he has a lot of very deep wounds and issues to deal with, the affair is really just a symptom of deep pain and shame and trust problems. I cant heal these wounds for him - he has to make that choice. So far it has been a lot of talk and very little positive action..... I would love to love him through this as a wife and friend. I would love him to love me through my healing as a H and friend, but I am not sure he really wants to face the challenges of
      Changing, growing, healing. He says all the right things, but a year into this and there has been very little action to support the words.

      I believe that he is no longer physical with the OW but he is still deeply involved emotionally and most of his actions are TLC to her!! Especially lately!!!

      For the first time, I am really thinking about a life without him. Really thinking that even though I love him and still want to repair this marriage.... His actions keep telling me he doesn't ( his words are the opposite). Actions speak louder than words and this has been going on for a year!

      I am going to give him space and really care for myself and be present with myself and see what each day brings. Oh and cry and struggle, and go a little crazy, and go to therapy, have pity party, get mad, get heart broken....and then breath in and breath out.


      Thank you sisters!! Steam you give strength, Phoenix I am so happy you are still here after your D, SS you help me feel less alone, MBS you give me hope, Theresa and Lynn your posts ring with truth. All sisters, I would be lost with out you!!!

      Elle, you hold this space with enormous compassion!! It opens my heart and inspires me.. Thank you all and much love

      Becky

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  16. Becky I'd say your H's behavior is part of a panic that is indeed a "freak out" period. Don't buy in to it, if you can. I found myself getting sucked in to my Hs crazy negative stories and version of our life together before I understood he was justifying his shitty choices. In the same way, I would feel up when he did something loving and crushed or fearful when he was distancing himself. I needed to get off the roller coaster with him and not panic. Look at the bigger picture. Is there progress over the long term? Are you still growing? If so, I'd say no need to make any hasty decisions or offer ultimatums. However, if no contact will make YOU feel better, safer, like you can breathe that is what you should do. If you are just embarking on the separation, I can vouch for it being a fucking scary time. Right there with you. I am panicking left and right. Tight chest, rapid heart rate, off my food, Like back to dday 2 almost. So I know now is not the time to be making any decisions for me.
    I have some family coming over for a cookout and my son asked if we could invite dad. SO I said yes. But my daughter is like "oh don't it will be so awkward." So hard to strike a balance. And hard to know how to frame it to my H. because honestly I wasn't sure I wanted him there. But I issued the invite and let him know it was my son's idea. My h is going to stop by. Which is probably a nice idea and strikes a balance between too much and too little. And I feel like such a weakling for being just a little bit happy that he decided he'd like to stop by. Dammit. My daughter was asking about holidays on our long overnight drive home yesterday (thank you Delta). She basically asked me knot to go to Thanksgiving ( we usually see extended family on his side so I would not ask him to skip tat). because it would be so awkward for her with everyone knowing but us "pretending" to be family. My heart is broken over this, but I also completely understand her perspective and told her I would honor that when the time came and if things were still as they are now. (Me being the perennial optimist, I still holding out hope that we may be working on a trial union or reconciliation by late Nov.). Just so much to balance.
    I agree with Sam, that we need to focus on ourselves now.
    And Steam good luck on your date! Have fun and enjoy yourself.
    I'm going to take a nap.
    Much love! SS

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  17. Elle, just an idea, but would it make sense to start a thread for those of us managing/coping with separation like you have for "feeling stuck" etc? I'm not sure how others feel or if it fits with your goals for this site, but I'd love a specific place to share and get support about this particular phase of recovery. Thanks for thinking about it. SS

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    1. Ack! Just getting to this note and yes, that's a great idea. Will do it now.

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    2. Thank you so much. I'm seeing all your responses today and picturing your fingers flying so fast your keyboard is on fire, Elle. Honestly, you are the fucking greatest, one of the biggest giantest hearts I know. Thanks for this place.

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    3. Thanks for all you do to make it such a safe, compassionate space for other betrayed wives. I'm consistently heartened by the kindness I see here.

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  18. For those who need a little hope, some friends of ours who separated because of infidelity about a year before my H's affair, just reunited. I don't know what they are doing to heal or if they will be forever after, but they are together again and asked us for some resources. Another couple that split because of infidelity, before ours as well, are now best friends though no longer a couple. There are so many paths to healing and repair. I think Glennon and her family are going to find theirs.

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    1. I'm always happy to hear about people getting to good places. I'll be honest and admit that the divorced but best friends thing makes me feel a little queasy. My h last month was telling me I'm his best friend. I feel like "dumbass, don't you know what that is?" And he admits he still loves me. So when I read about people who are there and still divorced or divorcing, I wonder how. Reading GDMs post had my guts in knots. After they worked through everything she got to a place where she loved but still had to go. How does that happen? What if that is where my h us and he's not trying to fight back ? What if we get through all this and I decide I need to go? Shit. And then my kids get to blame me. This is me panicking. Deep breathe self. I'm going to focus on my goal, which is reconciliation, but allow myself to keep other possibilities in my peripheral vision if they emerge. Scary scary scary.

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    2. just adding that they were separated, possibly divorced for 4 years.

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    3. Still Standing,
      I think you are asking all the right questions and excellent for acknowledging what scares you and what is important to you. I think my lesson for the day is that things will never be the same but you can always get yourself to a good place with the right kind of work. And it takes time and lots of deep breathing.
      Whether you and your partner get to that place together, and whether you can sustain it and ride through times of disconnection, that is an somewhat separate and mysterious thing.

      Delete
  19. Reading these responses, I am so proud of my sister warriors. There are so many women here who are struggling with heartbreak and betrayal, and yet you love. You fight. You persevere. You know the true meaning of relationship and commitment, even if some of the husbands have forgotten. And you are strong enough to keep trying, keep hoping. Whether your efforts lead to an eventual reconciliation, or whether you reach the point where it is time to move on alone, you can hold up your head, "bloody but unbowed", because you KEPT those vows. You have integrity and honor. You have love. You inspire me, at a time when I am sometimes tempted to let cynicism and disillusionment take over.
    Hugs, Warriors! One step at a time, to a brighter future.

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  20. I don't visit or comment often. Just a few times...

    But I wanted to share. Doesn't go that much with this post, but it's something that I learned recently that helped me... And so if it may help any others I am sharing.

    Right before I found out my h had cheated, I found out my cousin (female) was cheating on her h. With a man who was also married. Mind you, she has a good man. He's loyal, kind, fun, a great dad and the man that became the principal of a failing school (in a high poverty drug addict area) and turned it into an excelling school. YES, that guy. Like the poster child for a great husband....

    She had shown me all his beautiful words (texts) for this other man, his promises that he would be better to her than her husband and how horrible his wife was.

    She had been doing this for a year. And was convinced they had to leave their spouses for each other to ever be happy.

    For me, hearing about this then later seeing similar messages my h sent the ow (she sent me screen shots) I was initially convinced he meant it and loved her, not me.

    Even tho he told me he had already ended it and that's why she told me...

    he told me that he didn't mean what he told her. That we were broken (that much is true) and he was lonely and her attention was a high but was not real.

    Still I struggled with that.

    So anyways.. My cousin left her husband for the guy. He too left his wife.

    3 weeks later it was over.

    She told me that as soon as they moved in together, she saw a different guy. That once this was real (vs sneaking around) he was DIFFERENT.

    The beautiful words were gone. Everything they had during the "fantasy" was gone.

    In real life... They didn't work.

    In real life he was not crazy head over heels I love. In real life he realized how great his wife actually was....

    He then ended it.

    He moved back home..... to his wife

    She then realized how great of man she actual had at home. That over the years (21) they just had gotten bored and stopped trying.

    They are still living apart but are talking for hours at night..

    He is willing to forgive her. But said they will need to start over. They will date and then see if they can get back to where they were.

    What I got from it, this other person.... While I get there are expections... Didn't really mean everything. They were a distraction to the void they felt at home.

    I saw a meme a while back that after this makes more sense.

    It said "the grass is greener on the other side because it's watered"

    It's not the issue with every betrayal. But for those that were in that place, where life took over and destroyed what you had because we got to busy to notice.....that other girl really wasn't what was missing. What was missing was the effort you each put into making the time to keep the grass green.

    Hope it helps some of you...

    Logging back off for now...

    Hoping for continued peace for everyone here...


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    1. Shelley
      You nailed it! You wrote the story of my h affair! We were living apart for our daughter and grandsons during a very nasty custody battle. He fell in lust, had his two months of new exciting sex, and then spent two years trying to keep her from telling me. Yep, you are right on by telling this and yes it did help me!

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    2. Thank you Shelley, I needed to read this. My h as far as I can tell is still thinking the grass might be greener. But everyone around us can see he is delusional. Your stories are a thread of hope that he might wake up and realize he's been feeding himself with bs. Thanks again. Love.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Shelley for these great words. Through therapy I discovered the same thing in my marriage. We lost something and it takes time, effort, etc. to get it back and keep it going.

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  21. What a long strange journey for all of us. Elle, thank you as always for your inspiration. Albert Bandura demonstrated that coping models do more for us than mastery models, and here we all are. I'm nearly two years past d-day and wanted to strangle h over dinner last night, was plotting my exit before the check came. We hashed it out and got back on track. It's not about cheating now -- it's about staying connected. Steam, no shame in being real, whatever that means during any particular year. You are amazing. If the circumstances change, that doesn't dilute your power in any way. My d-day was in 2014, and your words carried me. My heartbreak, my rules. We separated for nearly six months (it got extended when I confronted him on the porn habit, dday 2). We both went to our meetings today, and it helps. He skips a lot, but that's not under my control. Still Standing: We separated in a constructive way, and he fought his way back. Meetings, medication, therapy, and the most brutal conversations of my life. It wasn't perfect (see porn issue) but I made the terms clear, and he met those terms. I'm "lucky" that ow lives nearby and neither of us has run into her or heard from her once (unless he's lying, which I can never rule out but think about less and less). My kid sees her kid at school (ugh) and we had to explain why we wouldn't be inviting that kid over, ever. We've navigated all that and more. I would hate a d-day 3, but the man has run out of chances and he knows it. My mantra: I'm okay, either way. I'll never be so blindsided again, by anyone. Keep us in the plus column for now, my sisters. Stay strong.

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    1. Snowbird, thank you. When you separated, was your h still in contact w the OW? Are you comfortable sharing how you got to separation and what the first few weeks felt like for you? Do you have any details on what it was like for him, what he was thinking? Thank you!

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    2. SS: Those were such hard days. He couldn't stand himself, and blurted out what he had done. I was devastated and asked him to leave. I knew in my mind who she was, and I was right. I had warned him, asked him to stay away (insert gaslighting). He claims it was a one night stand, and that he called her the next day to say no contact (phone record shows one call). He was a mess. I knew he was depressed (read: irritable) for many months, but he refused help. I didn't know about the binge drinking or the porn. After d-day I didn't trust myself around him -- I was rageful and bitter, and didn't want my son in the crossfire. Someone asked wasn't I afraid he would go to ow -- I said if that is where this is headed, the sooner the better. He started with IC, medication, and meetings. I saw my IC, then after 30 days we started MC. I lost 20 pounds, could barely eat or sleep, PTSD, mind movies, pain shopping, paranoid that I would run into ow. I held onto Elle's words -- cut her out like a cancer. No contact. Not even in my head - it's addictive and exhausting. This site helped tremendously. I needed answers, and I needed him to tell me what he had put me through. He got there with practice. He says he wasn't feeling well, and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He said it wasn't our marriage he was trying to escape, but himself. There has been no contact that I know of. I suppose ours is "best case" but it sure doesn't feel like it, even two years out. I actually felt very powerful and energized on my own, getting everything done and taking good care of myself. He was determined, said I am not letting you go. We spent a lot of time together, slowly adding overnights, for six months. His moods are still a challenge. He will always be that h, the one that crossed the line. He is also the h who chose to stay. Anyone who says we took the easy way out has never been through it. Will we make it? Time will tell. I see how broken he really was. Healthy people don't do these things. And real women look out for each other. Believe in yourself, SS. Hope this helps. :)

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    3. So much great advice and insight in this thread. Thank-you Snowbird for sharing your experience. You sound like a woman not to be trifled with. I bow...

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    4. Thanks for your insight and for taking the time to write such a detailed and thoughtful response Snowbird.

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  22. I have never followed Glennon but I did read about the news last week. I give her so much credit. Reading her post that she knew what she had to do but this book is coming out and being asked to wait. I appreciate her honesty and openness. I wish I could be as open and honest as she has been. I feel like when honest and truthful examples of marriages come out in the open it is good for society. And for me it is a wake up call that there is not this perfect idea marriage and that I am surrounded by it.

    More than ever since my husband's betrayal I see things differently. I think you are right Elle so many couples around us are facing challenges. Some the same and others worse than ours and many I am sure we have no idea what they face. I will never be happy or glad that my husband betrayed me, our marriage and himself but I am thankful for this wake up call. I read the words of Elle, Glennon, all of you and it makes me think every day to take care of myself and that I will be all right no matter what. This is not easy but every day I repeat this to myself.

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    1. Yes, I agree that we all benefit when we see the truth of others' relationships. It's so easy to imagine it's all sunshine and lollipops. Rather life is "brutiful".

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  23. I guess I have been living in Antartica. I downloaded the book. How genuine and delightful and relevant. I'm constantly learning from this site. Thank you so much. I love you all.

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  24. Also, I may be getting compulsive about reading and commenting here as a way to keep a lid on my panic. Functional? Idk. I'll need to keep an eye on myself. Hugs.

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    1. SS,
      I think that's a genuine concern. I think this site (and others) can be something of a life-raft when drowning but, clung to, can get in the way of learning to swim.
      We do talk a lot on this site about the importance of being with your feelings. Of not distracting yourself from them. There's no way around our pain, we have to go through it.

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  25. The 4M's: Why Cheaters Cannot Leave Their Affair Partners.

    This is an article I read recently and found it to be very interesting. For some reason there was not a website address I could copy. Perhaps you can Google the title and find it. I cannot say that it taught me anything new, but it certainly helped me to feel better and looking back at my husbands struggle with ending his affair.

    Peace and light ladies

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  26. And the name of the website is:
    emotionalaffair.org

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    1. Melissa
      I don't know how you find them but the links you send me to read are such an accurate description of my h and how it started and how hard it was to end. Thank you for sharing this!

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    2. Melissa ... i enjoyed the 4M amazing one thing echoed to me the wayward spouse said it was the sex i wanted but not with the person i wanted with ... that was stated by my H before. Thx for this

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  27. I have never read her books, but have friends who like and share posts on FB, so I read her blog post announcing her split. I admire her candor about what it means to be a wife and mother who struggles with self-love and self-loathing. Still, this is so hard to hear. I still make a choice every day-literally (as the word is meant to be used). And lately it's been hard to make that choice. I found myself looking for short-term rentals the other day, and wondering if my kids would implode if I said "I quit" to this marriage. Glennon's blog post about growth, change, and being unable to fit the new you into an old relationship was unnerving, but also inspiring. Growth is okay, even if it means making hard choices because of who you grow up to be. I appreciate her honesty about trying to make it work with her husband, and about making it work with herself. We all need to know that both are okay.

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    1. CF,
      I think the key is that she's making her choice from a place of love and respect, for herself and for her husband. A hard choice. And I don't doubt that her kids have had their share of tears. But by living her own life with integrity, she's giving her kids permission to do the same. To feel sad about their parents but know that they can manage the sadness. That it won't define their lives. It's a feeling and feelings come and go.

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  28. I am so late to this "party", but i am SO honored to be a part of some of the BEST women i have ever ever met. Not afraid to grow, or even better scared to DEATH of it, but doing it anyway. That is COURAGE. I will update on the date (my heartbreak, my rules and my choice of fun, but HIS choice of restaurant and menu and where to sit and i L O V E that) and things since then. You all are such inspirations to me--with grace we carry on (after the shock and the screaming--or maybe that's just me). We all blow my mind. Wow. Hugs Always, always. Steam

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    1. Looking forward to the details! Do tell...

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  29. great post - you are right just follow your own path which your heart shows you and everything will take care of its own

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  30. I haven't commented in a very long time. I took a step back to try to forget all of this, but I still think about it every day. Those of you who share your stories and provide support are so strong. Thank you for what you do.

    In the beginning I had a lot to say about this situation we all have in common. But, as I near my 2-year dday anniversary, I find myself at a loss for words other than to encourage you all to fight for the outcome YOU truly want --- though you may not yet understand what that might be.

    Steam, you gave me so much strength in those early months. I'm sorry your husband has hurt you again. I wish you all the best and I hope you find happiness.



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