The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I look in the mirror and see the woman I always wanted to be! I see so many similar lines and wrinkles that I saw on my grandmas face and have to wonder what struggles she lived through to become the wonderful woman she was! I'm working so hard to be that kind of woman! My mother left scars on my childhood but the grace of my grandma gave me hope that I could do anything I wanted and up until dday, I pretty much had it all. Slowly getting back to the woman I am supposed to be! One foot in front of the other!
I am trying sooooo hard to do this. I am still the nice, caring, give all person, but.... now there's a secret hidden deep within me that sometimes makes me sad, makes me question, makes me wonder things. Stupid things. Crazy things. I'm at 10 months out and while all things aren't "perfect", they are better than they were 10 months ago. I want to be trusting, secure in my marriage, happy (again) and I guess it's just going to take time. But my goal is to keep trying to be better than I was before. Not the same as before, but BETTER. It's weird how I now have a secret "before" and relate to things in my head as to before dday and now. You all have been a saving grace -- assuring me I'm not crazy, bringing me up in my darkest moments, giving me comfort that I'm not alone in this. Today I make a choice to be happy. And confident.
Feeling Lost, I am about the same distance from Dday as you, and I feel so many of the same things. It is exhausting and terrible sometimes to not feel like you can control your own thoughts. I don't come up with crazy scenarios as often anymore, but when I do, it throws me off balance for days. Having this secret that I can't share with people I'm close to has been really hard and it has honestly gotten in the way of my other relationships. I can't stand to see my family photo albums at the present moment because of the "before" and "after" thoughts. Being able to write about it here where others are struggling too is extremely helpful. You are not crazy and I am not crazy. You are not alone and I will be wishing for a peaceful, happy day for us both today.
I am at 19 months from dday. For me I do wonder if the secret nature of this entire betrayal, discovery, recovery is part of why I feel the way I do. I too struggle with the before memories and photos etc. My husband in a moment of upset said maybe we need to tell everyone. He said maybe me having to keep this secret, not talk to others, not get empathy from others is just like how he felt keeping the secret from me all those years. He felt like that alone was destructive. I am more distant. I lack the ability to really trust, feel I see people for who they are, focus more on us vs investing in other relationships, struggle to connect when a huge part of my life/identity is a secret.
Ann and Hopeful - I, too, have difficulties looking at photos from times past. I wonder so many things-was he happy, was he with someone else at that time & I just didn't know it??? It really sucks. I hate having my secret but I know that if others found out they may not treat my husband the same any more. And...he is a good man that made some bad decisions. So for that reason, for now, I'll live the best as I can with my secret. Wishing you all a day that includes some peace, some happy, something good.
I am in the exact same situation. The only one who knows besides my husband is my therapist. D day for me was only this July but I knew in my heart since February. Sometimes I just want to blurt it out when I am with family or friends. A part of me wants to expose him for who he really is, but I know nobody would look at him the same way again. He is also a good man who made some really horrible choices and treated me and our two kids horribly for two years.
This is what I basically tell myself every day. I think the most important thing I tell myself is to focus on today. It is easy for me to dwell or worry or think about the past. It is easy for me to worry and question the future. But instead focus on today and what I have. It makes my life so much better and nothing is different just the perspective of the way I see things.
trying hard to be a heroine that I am proud of in this story. Right now just showing up and taking care of the business of protecting myself and my kids during the ending of my marriage. So. Very. Tired.
SS, I'm so very sorry. I know this is SO very hard. Show up, do your best (remember it isn't perfection but the best you have to give at the moment), and please take care of yourself.Sending you hugs.
SS, sending you a hug. One day at a time and one step at a time. Take care of yourself. We can all be the person we want to be if only in our heads at any given moment. We are works in progress.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my DDay. Any advice on how to get through the day would be appreciated.
I actually felt the best I had in a long time on dday. For one thing it was nice to get past that one year mark as just a milestone. My husband and I had really gotten to a good place. I think like any anniversary it is a time for reflection. I really started to forgive my husband at that point but more importantly I felt like even though I hated how we got there we were in such a better place. I appreciated that there was so much pain but there was no way I would go back to pre dday. So for me it was a good day and time period for us. Not to be negative but the time in the 15 month plus range has been harder (I am now at 19 months since dday). And nothing horrible but it has been hard to navigate and know how to feel at times. The first year it seemed like a natural process. Some days I feel like why am I not over this. And working on our marriage/relationship more deeply than ever beyond the affair is great, exhausting and sometimes frustrating. But as I told my husband this weekend that it has been the hardest thing ever but I do feel like it is worth it and mainly due to his efforts. I have just realized it will be an ongoing part of our life but I try to focus on it from a point of appreciation for what I have made it through and what we have going forward.