Friday, May 19, 2017

How to Be Hurt and Still Show Up

I wrote this almost a year ago. I didn't publish it because, at the time, it felt too raw. I felt so vulnerable. It felt a bit like failure, too. That so many years after the bomb dropped, we were still struggling at times. Now, however, I can see it as another of those crossroads: A choice to grow and learn together or grow and leave. We opted for the former. Again. 

It was late June and my sister-in-law was visiting us from Chicago en route to her cottage further north. She had invited our family months earlier to join her and her family. I had never been to her cottage, each summer choosing instead to use the two or three days alone to get caught up on work or just exhale without kids. My husband's family and I have had a fraught relationship over the years. Choosing to spend less time with them has been one of the healthier choices I've made post D-Day. This summer, however, I understood that it would just be her family and mine.
But while my sister-in-law was here, she mentioned that her brother, the one I pledged to avoid, would also be there.
Pause for re-evaluation #1.
A few days later, I visited my 87-year-old father and was shocked to find him wearing filthy clothes and eating stale food. I spent the weekend preparing meals and doing laundry for him and promising both of us I'd see him again soon.
Pause for re-evaluation #2.
Then two assignments landed on my desk with tight deadlines. And did I mention my summer included a houseful of teenagers and their friends?
So I did what my gut was telling me to do. Wish my husband and three children a very happy weekend and use the time they would be at my sister-in-laws cottage to visit my father and get a jump-start on my work.
A tough decision from an incurable people pleaser (I'm working on it!) but one that felt right.Yay me, right?
My husband didn't share our enthusiasm. Instead, my choice ushered in weeks of confusion. He avoided looking at me. He was civil but barely. I know him. And no amount of him telling me that everything was "fine" convinced me that they were.
"I'm fucking furious," was what he finally admitted to me.
Why? I had rejected his family yet again. I was being selfish. I was the source of all his anxiety and stress. Everything wrong in his life was my fault.
But we'd been doing so well prior to this. Life was good.
Not according to my husband who dropped this bomb on me.
He wanted a separation.
This used to be his go-to threat. We spent the first decade of our marriage in this crazy dance of getting close and pushing off from each other. Any disagreement inevitably ended with one of us (usually him) suggesting we separate. Unable to stomach any conflict, he could only look for the closest exit.
So much had changed.
But here we were again.
This time, however, I knew something I didn't know back then.
I understood that he didn't want out. He just still didn't know how to be hurt and stay. How to be hurt and remain open. And, I confess, I had kinda forgotten too. Which is why, when he said he wanted to separate, I simply agreed.
He put an emergency call into our marriage counsellor who saw him immediately. And then, two days later, she saw me. And then a week after that, she saw us together.
In that time, my husband and I, a bit shocked by talk of separation, had to be brutally honest with ourselves about what we wanted. And, not surprisingly, each of us wanted the same thing: true commitment, honesty, intimacy. With each other.
We had to remind ourselves how to be hurt and still show up. How to be hurt but not reach for the nuclear codes.
I had to listen to his pain, which included feeling dismissed by me when he didn't agree with my opinions. I had to create compassion for him around his sadness that things with his family have never been easy for him either. I'm not the only one they've hurt over the years.
I thought of my ability to listen to my friends. To listen as I do my job as a journalist. To remain curious about what others are thinking, about their life view. With my husband, I had developed a bad habit of viewing any difference between us as evidence that we were mis-matched. A benign comment from him about something I felt strongly about could take me from "he's my wonderful best friend" to "I have to spend the rest of my life with this asshole" in eight seconds.
So I had to understand that my own reaction was rooted in fear. Fear that I was wrong. Fear that I had stayed with him when I shouldn't have. Fear that disagreement was the same as disapproval.
Here's what I've realized: My husband is a kind, compassionate, progressive, smart person who has plenty of strong opinions (uh, me too!) and who sometimes disagrees with me. So while we share a value system, we don't always express those values in the same way. And instead of responding to him as an enemy, I can be curious.
As for his family? He has work to do around them that our therapist told me she doesn't think he's going to do any time soon. There's so much pain there, she said. And, for now at least, there's resistance to dig any deeper.
But what he can do is respect my choice not to go there. What he can do is extend compassion to me around my needs, to learn anew to see my self-care as healthy for our marriage, to stop expecting me to behave in ways that mean he won't face his family's disapproval or disappointment. It's something he's willing to do. Or at least try to do.
Marriage is tough. Even long after I think we should be "fixed", we're still coming up against things that threaten to destabilize us. And it's when we're feeling scared and hurt that we revert to those old behaviours that often make matters worse.
I hope I can remember that within that vulnerability is where we find our common ground.

29 comments:

  1. Elle
    If I've learned anything from you about this mess called marriage, is that there's always something that still needs to be 'fixed' and I'm learning to hold my tongue and think before I speak when I'm mad or hurt not just with my h but especially with my mother! I'm not always successful, but I'm sure giving it my best shot! Thanks for sharing this post with us because I too get caught up in the 'we're finally fixed', only to realize that there's still so much more we need to work on! He and I are still doing the best we know how and for now that's good enough for us!

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  2. I think that being married is a work in progress everyday. We all have good days and bad days it's how we choose to deal with the bad days that matter. We spend all our free time together on days off from work that coincide with each other but, I for one love having time to myself. I paint and take the dog for a long walk. I have found creativity that I haven’t had in a very long time. My husband needs that time alone too. A lot of times my mind is on her and what she got away with but, did she really get away with a lot? No.. Legally yes. I think about how it was done right under my nose and I had no idea that she was doing this, slipping him drugs. I watched her go after him for weeks and he had no interest in her so I never worried about it. He has had other younger women chase after him that were beautiful and he never gave them a second glance. The desperation on her part to try and obtain someone who never really had those feelings for her must be hard to deal with too. To induce artificial feelings through drugs and manipulation shows what a broken person she really is. I watched my husband change into someone who he wasn’t because of the drugs. Arrogant, know it all, mean, and uncaring. His facial features changed too. And the more he became like this the more she thought that she had control over me. Now the tables have turned and I’m the one who has control over her. Showing her compassion and telling her probably really pissed her off.. The statement that she made to me about how she wished she never met us tells me that her life is not what she had been planning it to be. But I think the key to getting over this is compassion. And I think that I was afraid to feel that compassion for her because it made me feel weak. (It's actually freeing and I like this feeling.) Like I was giving in to her and letting her win. I see the difference now. This is something to that will take more time but I am willing to put the the time into it. I remember feeling anger for his family because they wanted him to come down to be with them just a few weeks after he got out of the hospital. Again it was a good thing that he did and I don’t hold any bad feelings about that anymore. We now live in the same area with his family and I am pretty glad we chose this path to go down.
    Cathy

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  3. Oh, thank God you wrote this. I have been thinking a lot lately about this. About our first big fight post Dday. It hasn't happened yet, but I go through scenarios in my mind all the time in which one or both of us get really mad about something and just walk out. Before Dday, I was not scared of this at all. I would never walk out, and I assumed he wouldn't either. Now with my one-day-at-a-time marriage, I worry about how I will react to being really mad. We've had tiny disagreements and discussions over the past year (which are hard enough to navigate!), but nothing huge--other than the affairs that is! lol. I will carry the spirit of this with me for when that time comes. I will try to breathe through it and work slowly. This may save me some stress in the future! Thanks!

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  4. Thank you for sharing this. I think when I started all of this on dday I thought like a type a person with a check list. How long will this take? What do I need to do to recover? Make the list and work through the process. Well over two years out I realize that this will always be a part of my life. And for me everything is related. I find as we move farther away from dday my husband is not against talking about it but he only sees how it relates to say a guys trip or a night out with friends. Beyond that he does not see the broader picture like I do. And for me again it goes beyond the affairs. I think it is really how we each see life and handle it.

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  5. Wow. This is incredible. So many times now, when we disagree about anything, I am so close to saying, let's just end it. There's a fragility in our union. After he betrayed me with our next door neighbor, for seven weeks while her husband and I had no idea, I don't trust him. I'm fairly certain I never will.

    So I'm ready to run at any moment. He's already shown me how little me and the kids meant to him. So I'm going to protect myself. Forever.

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    1. Tryme, I have similar reactions. H made a reckless decision while driving (luckily no one got hurt) and I was so ticked off I gave him a piece of my mind and I didn't care if he didn't like hearing it or how he would react. So many times when he does something small that gets under my skin my inner voice goes "I want a divorce". I guess maybe emoptionally I think if I am giving it a shot at repairing the marriage after something as big as his adultery that at least I shouldn't have to put up with his small $h!t anymore. Almost as if our new routine should be completely free of conflict. I type that and it sounds irrational, I would not give anyone else that advice. I spoke to a phone counselor early after we had a petty disagreement and he went to bed without apologizing. She asked me how much it would have bothered me before Dday. I answered it would have, but never so much that I was ready to call it quits. You are right-on, our unions are fragile. I'm really worried that one night when I am dreaming of H with the COW I'm going to blurt out "I want a divorce" in my sleep.

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  6. I read this twice. What is sad is that the "D" (divorce) word was used when it wasn't necessary or real.

    My H's family treated me poorly - especially MIL. Did not speak to me for decades b/c my H put his foot down one day and said "we are a package deal. if you don't like my wife and treat her decently and talk to her, then don't talk to me either". And she died having never spoken to us (her choice), having met her only grandchildren (again, her choice) and not living a happy life because she was so unhappy. MIL life was spent fighting and arguing with people.
    Other family members (in laws mostly) have battle scars from being subjected to her cruelty and mean words, etc. I escaped that because my H stood up to his family and would not allow the continued mistreatment and verbal abuse.

    I think your H never recognized boundaries and reasons for your desire to be with his family. It is hard to be in a place where you are not wanted or welcomed and people have a way of making that feeling known LOUD AND CLEAR!

    I just hope that you can get to a place where the "D" is not thrown around. In our decades together, the only time I ever heard that word was during my H's Affair and he did mean he wanted a divorce. More than once said it. I said "OK" every time b/c I just could not fight his mid life crisis and affair.

    PS - we are still married and survived it (tough road back to repairing the marriage and his choices to cheat) BUT we have better communication now. I always felt he had my back and loved me until his MLC, family issues, job stress and teenagers all came tumbling down on top of him. Not an excuse but just the reason he chose to be "that guy who cheated". SMH

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  7. Maiden of the shieldMay 23, 2017 at 10:02 PM

    Showing up is hard. Today was a hard day for me. I had to deal with the
    pain of how to handle a pet in crisis, sadly my sweet boy did not make it. It was rough for me. My H wasn't able to be there so I had to step up and deal. I hsd to show up. And it was hard. I didn't know how I was going to deal. But I did. I dealt. I dealt with the crisis, I held my pup in my arms and ushered him off to his next life. I dealt with sharing the news with my kids and I dealt with the tears that came after. I cuddled my babies to sleep,I managed to make it through to the end of the day without losing my shit completely.

    At least on the outside.

    I am only 8 months on this path of pain, recovery, discovery, decision....whatever one calls it. Today I was so sad for a very different reason, but at the end of the day the world just comes crashing down and the pain of this deep secret wound I carry, always becomes prominent. I wonder if I'll ever not be sad. I wonder if I'll ever have a day where I don't want to email or text or whatever the OW and scream at her "WTF DO YOU SEE THE PAIN YOU HAVE CAUSED??? Do you even give a shit? " when life hurts like it does today I want to lash out, like throw it at her and my H and say FUCKING TAKE IT!!!I have had ENOUGH pain to last a lifetime. You take some of it back.

    I don't though. I don't write the email, I don't send it. I just work through whatever the day throws on my plate. I Just try to show up. Today I showed up. Because that's what life needed from me.

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    1. Maiden of the shield
      I'm so sorry for the pain I know you must be having! I'm one of those that did rage a few times with my h and yes I also sent some pretty nasty text messages to his cow that first year! I was so damn angry at both of them but I really took it out on my h when I was triggered by his actions or inability to talk me down from the anger! Those were some pretty awful months! I'm so sorry you have double pain from losing your pup during this already God awful time! I'm not going to tell you that it gets easier but with time and effort from both of you, there is the possibility of rebuilding a new relationship. The first year no really two years were the hardest times but we are slowly learning to treat each other the way we did before my h lost his mind in a midlife crisis! It's a daily struggle at times but we're determined to make it through these struggles together! I'm sending you hugs and just know you're not alone in those darkest times!

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    2. Maiden of the shield, So sorry to hear about your pet. That is so hard and they are such important family members. I am much farther along (over 2 years) and with time and work things have gotten better and I would say the pain and persistent thoughts decrease. However I find when there is extra stress or we are extremely busy I find I am more fragile and feel the pain again. I have come to realize it will always be present in our lives and I think that would be true even if I left my husband. This has shaped my life and who I am. At this point I try to use it more to shape my today and tomorrow. I try to focus it on what I want for me and what I want in a marriage/relationship. Some days I wish it never happened and wish I could forget it all but that is not an option so I push forward. I really try to live with intention and focus on what I need and want. The less stress and pressure I put on myself the better but of course days like today for you happen and for me those days make me feel more fragile but I show up like you. When I look back I am proud of myself, how I live my life and my decisions.

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    3. Maiden of the Shield, Wow. That is so hard. To not only hold your own pain but also that of your kids and your pup. But you're right. You did it. And you did it with courage and integrity. That's amazing. And it does somehow make the secret pain hurt all the more. It feels like one more thing trying to break us. But you didn't break. You showed up. And in doing so, you showed your kids that they, too, can show up for pain and not be destroyed by it. That part of life is just showing up for each other when we're in pain.
      I'm awed by you, Maiden.

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    4. Oh Maiden, I went though something of the sort when I would have sworn to you that my H was 1000 percent faithful to me, two years after D-day one-- and even with him there, well, nothing could take the pain away from losing my sweet fur girl. I feel for you so deeply.
      Just when you think nothing else could break your heart as badly as betrayal, you lose your best friend. I will think of you as I cuddle with my brood tonight. The next few days, or weeks or more could also be hard, but I wish you a soft place.

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    5. Maiden: wow... Just wow. Your post is raw and lovely and it captures so much of what I feel. I wish I could just give a tiny bit of this pain back to the people who seem to deserve it. I don't have any wise words for you as I'm still new on this path, and most of the wise stuff has already been said, but I just wanted you to know that your post touched my heart and I'm slow clapping the hell out of you right now. And most of all, I'm so sorry about your sweet pup. Our furry friends are such an integral part of our families. I cannot imagine having that pain added on top of everything you're already feeling. You are a warrior. Hugs

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  8. Maiden, your post is so powerful on so many levels. I hope posting gives you some comfort. I share so many of your feelings. Peace.

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  9. Oh, Maiden of the Shield, I am so sorry for your loss 😢 And also that you had to tell your kids, that is so hard. I may not know you, but I am so proud of how well you showed up, for your pup, for yourself and for your kids. You endured a terrible thing with strength and grace.

    I wonder the same things you do: will I ever not be sad? Will there ever be a day that I don't think "but he cheated" anytime my husband tries to do something right. Will we ever get back even a percentage of what we once had? I don't know. But right now, just working on showing up.

    I wanted to tell you that we will help you carry the burden of your pain. Because that's what sisters do, and that's what we have here: a sisterhood.

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    1. Periwinkle,
      Please, all of you, know that the day will absolutely come when you're not hurting. I promise you that. Just keep showing up.

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    2. Maiden of the shieldMay 24, 2017 at 9:36 PM

      Thank you all for your kind words. You fill my heart with hope. You let me know I'm not all alone in this. You let me show my feelings, my pain amd you don't judge. You offer support that no one else has. You show up. Thank you friends. Thank you my sisters in this pain.

      Thank you Elle.

      Thanks for showing up.

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  10. I'm not sure what is happening here. I am showing up, with hurt thats healing, i promise I am showing up and not just with my H. With my work, with my therapy, with my commitments, and I am happier than i have been in a very long time.

    The problem? Dear H seems to be drifting down some rabbit hole of depression and withdrawal from me. Also, at 55 questioning his life choices-the careers he never pursued, the cash debt he is in (that we don't share). I wish it had a pattern to it but I cant figure it out yet. We have truly had some amazing days, a lot of them, and I am supporting him the best that i can. I am encouraging him, without preaching to him but there are days that I say the sky is up and he practically says "no it's down".

    History tells me that he is acting out, but I cannot see a trace of it. Anything else is just speculation.

    So, despite being happy, I am harboring a great sadness over a few things---sadness that My h just cannot seem to step UP--and that my shrink has to PULL out of me--I am sad for my H, I am sad that he is sad, but it's not my job to pull him out of this.

    He needs to want it, and face whatever it is, and accept and wrestle with it and it's hard work. I know because I am doing it, but every day I have a little more energy and a little more self worth and the sadness is sadness over things. It's not at all all encompassing.

    Like the difference between doing a bad thing or being a bad person.
    I am sad over a few things, but i am not a sad person.

    Periwinkle--heck, everyone, I PROMISE YOU, if you do the work, if you get your demons out of the darkness and into the light, it can hurt like an M-Fer, but you can stop being sad. you can still feel sadness, but you wont face everyday in sadness.

    If it's not going away--work harder, because you are worth it--we are ALL worth the work.

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    1. Hi Steam -- I hear you. We are 2.5 years past d-day, and h's depression usually comes in waves. This winter it stayed. And while it's not technically contagious, I have to work 100 times harder to stay steady when his mood sends him back down the rabbit hole (read: our basement). It reminds me of all that preceded d-day, when I knew he was probably depressed and I saw ow circling but didn't see the crazy coming. I told my therapist that I'm scared that his depression will win, that we will split not because he cheated in the first place, or derails us again, but bc I can't live with this much pain. H started a new medication which is helping, but I am stunned by the impact his moods have on me. When I spend time alone, I feel lighter. Like others, I wonder if I will always feel cheated and sad, especially on the heavy days. On other days I say f* that, I know how to be happy, and I will get myself there one way or the other. I won't stay married to depressed guy in the basement. Elle, thank you for your courage and your example. Stay strong, my sisters.

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    2. Steam, I think what you said is so true. Pull those demons into the light. Feel the hurt but don't BE the hurt.
      And Snowbird, I really REALLY struggle with no absorbing everyone else's feelings. I've always had this thin veil between me and others in that I feel everyone's feelings for them. I wonder if that's what you're doing with your husband's depression. I can see how it's triggering for you. But it's not yours to fix or to control. I wonder if you need a plan for when he retreats to the basement -- something that will take you out of this role of either absorbing it or worrying about where it might lead.

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  11. Thank you all for your kind, sweet words! I do want to say that I don't feel sad all the time. I feel a bit sad about my marriage most of the time. But I am functioning. I find joy in many aspects of my life, and I am even okay with the companionship aspect of my marriage. What I'm not okay with is the intimacy. I still don't really want to kiss my husband, let alone have sex. Right now we manage about once every 2 weeks, but I have to keep a very distracting fantasy image in my mind to not go down a rabbit hole of troubling, intrusive thoughts about him with his AP. I feel very much like that part of me has just shut off. I don't know if it comes back. We're taking a family summer vacation, we talk about the future, but part is me is still walled off/shut down.

    It's not like it was in the earlier days after Dday, buts it's not good again yet. I have a lot of doubts about my capacity for forgiveness. However, I have no problem continuing to have a companionable marriage at least for as long as my kids are living at home. They might not see parents who are passionate for one another, but they'll see parents who are friends, respectful, and there for them, loving them unconditionally.

    I know life is not fair, but like Maiden says, it's not fair that I have to do all this work to fix something I didn't break. And some days I want to just scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!", and maybe throw eggs at a wall to release all the frustration!!

    Which brings me back around to: he didn't have an emotional affair, he was having sex. He always had all the information, and he says it never changed how much he loves me. But I didn't have all the information, and now that I do, it's put a dent in my love for him. Is it a mortal wound? I just don't know. Thoughts of splitting up don't exactly make me happy. But thoughts of resuming our intimate involvement make me feel like it's an insurmountable obstacle. I can't imagine offering him things sexually just to make him feel good, like before. Sorry to go deeply intimate with all of you, but I can't imagine a time when I'd be willing to give him a blow job again. Like he doesn't deserve it and it feels demeaning to me at this point knowing he's been with her. Suddenly I don't know where that thing has been, and I just feel revulsion. When does that go away? What is the work that one does to get beyond that?

    Anyway, thanks sisters. I feel like the new female rallying cry "Nevertheless, she persisted" is each and every one of us, the persisterhood ❤️

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    1. Periwinkle,
      The Persisterhood. It's perfect!
      Re. intimacy: Are you able to really talk about this with your husband? Your mention of not wanting to feel like you have to do things to make him feel good kinda sound like you feel disempowered in a sexual relationship with him. And I wonder if you felt empowered -- as if you got to call the shots for a while -- if you might feel safer.
      That's the biggest piece for me -- safety. I just couldn't be intimate until I felt safe with him. I used to make him look me directly in the eye so that I could be sure he was thinking about ME. Not porn. Not her. It was really tough -- I felt so vulnerable. But it helped.
      Is he able to acknowledge how difficult this is for you? Can you take a break until desire comes back? I suspect that feeling required to perform every two weeks might contribute to that sense of disempowerment. Hard to feel desire when you're performing a task rather than responding to pleasure.

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    2. Periwinkle. Yes I too have a companionable marriage – also for all you have described and the kids. At one point I hoped to get back after our separation not just for the kids but for me also, but sadly – the sex part really makes me feel sick – because of the thoughts of him with other women. My h is devoid of any emotions so as much as I long for intimacy, especially cuddles, I don’t get them. Elle. I wish he could look me in the eyes and I’d feel safe. But last time I really asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth, that he was not in contact with his whore, he lied…assuring me MANY times he was not in contact – only for me to find out…he lied, repeatedly and was in contact. So eye to eye contact will not work for me with him. I have been to my GP recently and he has given me details of a MC, so I will be asking H to go and see him – not sure where this will get us, as h is thinking things are going along nicely. Nicely for him that he’s not talking and being accountable for what he’s done. But the impact it’s having on me and also him is not healthy.
      Gabby xo

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    3. Gabby,
      In order to have a healthy marriage, which includes healthy intimacy, he needs to learn how to show you how he feels. If he's truly "devoid of any emotions", then that's a huge challenge. Is he, literally, devoid? Does he have some sort of issue (ie. aspbergers or some such?) or is it just difficult for him? If it's the latter, then part of helping you heal is learning to become more comfortable. It might never feel easy to him but assuming he's capable of learning, then it's possible. And it's worth it.

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    4. Hi Elle and Sam A
      We do have eye to eye contact for normal conversations, but anything intimate - he gets uncomfortable showing that side of him. AND he can also look me in the eyes and lie, so that's why I'm finding it hard to accept any truths 100% from him at this stage with eye to eye contact.
      Re emotions. I should clarify. Devoid of "freely" showing emotions to me such as hugging, hand holding, a loving leg rub...that sort of thing which to ME means so much. He doesn't have aspbergers or anything like that, just narcissistic traits. Huge sense of entitlement with a hell of a lot of a... hole mixed in. (and yes, there are many good points to him). H thinks sex is his way of showing emotions. Nope. Doesn't work for me, especially after the affairs, and the older we get I keep telling him - we are human beings, not just sexual beings and as the sex declines when we get older, what will you have? I personally think his lack of emotions comes from his toxic parents. I suppose I have always been here to support him and with the affairs, I just got sick of always being the one to be the strong one. But. Last night I thought I would just hug him and hold him whilst he was standing up. He didn't recoil, or reject me. Then this morning as he left for work, he came to me and gave me a good bye hug. It was nice- and I suppose, I thought he has a lot of issues from his lack of affection growing up, maybe if I at least try, this may help him finally become comfortable within himself and maybe take the next step to go to MC and this time do it with honesty and face the hard questions that he has avoided all his life. Which will mean being vulnerable and not in control. So yes Elle. If he can learn to love with more emotions, it will be a long road, but it will be worth it. Thanks for your comments. It really makes me think how else I can approach things.
      Hugs to you all
      Gabby xo

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  12. The Persisterhood---
    Periwinkle. That is remarkable!!

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  13. Oh, Steam, inwishbincould take credit for coining that term, but it was not me. It does apply perfectly to so many situations that women must endure in mutual support, and especially here. You are all so remarkable in your ability to reach out in loving support to others in pain. This place deserves the label ❤️

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  14. Elle that eye to eye contact has been so powerful for me. Post d day 2 I found it so difficult to look him in the eye it really was too painful, we're a year out now and the rare times we actually glance at one another whilst we are communicating Feels so healing. It may sound so little but for me looking him in the eye means so much, I see him as a person who cares for me and loves me and not a cheating pig.. gabby just try eye contact in just general conversation, it may feel different then using it when your asking him about the affair stuff. I think men in general find eye contact difficult never mind when they have betrayed their partners my h found it very hard to look me in the eye post d day, he was scared, still is in some ways but is trying hard to make it better between us.. I hope mc work works gabby like Elle says we can all learn new things as long as we give it a try. Let us know how you get on xx

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