The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Yep loving this Elle, we can only rely on ourselves, xx
And how sad that we can only rely on ourselves. Am very triggered right now and not feeling very Valentiney.
beagle mom we got through today so give yourself a pat on the back. It’s a difficult day for many of us who aren’t feeling ‘valentiney’. We have only ever been able to rely on ourselves beagle mom and betrayal teaches us this more than ever before. Hope the trigger doesn’t take up too much of your day, process it and let it go. Tomorrow is another day .. I’m here with you beagle mom .. xxx
I love this word hug! Trust is so tricky (except for trusting your own strength.) Happy Valentine's Day to you all. I know cards are a struggle for most of us and so are romantic gestures, frankly. This Valentine's Day I did better than last. We celebrated last night since H has to work tonight. Instead of roses he got our wedding flower (said more meaningful), the card said something to the effect that we were right when we thought our love would get us through anything. Instead of being triggered by a throwback to our wedding or taking issue with the possibility he thought we were "through" with all our work, I saw these things for what they were: sweet attempts to connect with me and find a deep meaningful way to do it. He has fond feelings about our wedding and does not second guess that. Good for him! He acknowledges that we loved each other through some hard times. We did, and it's worth celebrating. His story will not perfectly match up with mine, and for the first time, I think that's ok. When I see the flowers I feel grateful that he wants to remember our wedding day even if I now have tons of conflicting emotions about it. I received a romantic gesture without looking at it skeptically out of the corner of my eye. I don't think romantic gestures solve anything or prove his love or anything, but being able to receive one and accept it for what it was felt nice! I wish for that for all of you today!
I'm sharing this from another blog I follow called "The Middle Finger Project"24 Ways to Love Yourself Fiercely + Bravely—Even When You’re Feeling Like a Heaping Hot MessThe courage to reject their opinion.A kind, but firm: “This is what I want.”Remembering to be a mother to yourself, every single day.Asking more questions: What do I really crave? Does this make sense for me, personally? Does this feel heavy or light (or fucking dreadful?).Asking fewer questions: I cannot make a mistake if I’m doing what I love. Everything always works itself out in the end. Don’t overthink it—go, go, go.Keeping your promises to yourself—even if means breaking others.Going somewhere in this world you never thought you would.Looking at your life as if it were a piece of art. (Is it as beautiful as it is functional?)Asking for alone time, just because.Saving for something entirely unpractical, just because.Turning off your phone for the weekend, just because.Doing something you love…without the pressure to turn it into a business. Or make you money. Or be “useful.”Cucumber water. ‘Nuff said.Asking yourself for advice…and trusting it.Remembering that you are the authority when it comes to your life.Defining your personal style, and then rockin’ it. (Showing up in this world as YOU feels really, really good.)Changing your approach 1,000 times over, but never your end game.Asking for help—and then asking for more—with a smile on your face.Thinking. In quiet. A lot.Paying attention to what makes you curious.Being damn sure you can answer this question: “My best life looks like: ___________________.”Letting nothing fucking stop you.Staying soft, no matter the shit show.And giving yourself whatever you need to be okay, without judgment—no matter what that is.
I really ffffing love this ss1, I’m going through the list one by one : ) xxx
Hey friends.I've been doing really good. Fantastic actually. I haven't even thought about coming on here some nights because I was just good. Good with my life and the way it is. I still am... I'm not doing badly. It's a funny thing looking at your acompishments through this trial and thinking "How did ever get through?" It's amazing in fact. It just blows me away. I never want to go back and I push myself every day further from where I was. I want to share one thing however... getting it off my chest so hopefully resentment wont build. I have this once in a lifetime opportunity to go travelling for work... my in laws just happen to be coming up to stay with us that exact week so I have child care round the clock. My husband is off... the stars could not have aligned better. I asked him to come with me on an almost paid for vacation when we have no money. It would be just the two of us...something we haven't done in over 5 years. Kids are now 5 3 and 1.Yeah his response is less then enthusiastic. "How can we leave the kids for that long?" "I feel bad asking my parents to watch them" "We should get a will in place if we were to travel" "think of the family vacation we could take instead." "Maybe we can bring the baby, he flys free" No no and no. This is not about kids. This is not about making things easier for other people. This is for ME and I am inviting you to come along to heal our bond, to reconnect after years of babies and your disgusting behaviour. This is a trip that could have been everything we needed at this time when im feeling so healthy so ready to take in the world. But now it's not. What a stupid shame.My excitement is still there... I've never been to this huge U.S. city or any for that matter. I will have a good time with or without him because I'm living for me now and no one else. I know I have responsibility as a mother and as a wife... but 5 years is a LONG time to not have done anything just for me. So I am going. And it's going to be awesome. I wish he could see everything his life could be if he just put half as much effort into the things he already has instead of striving to get the things he doesn't. Peace love happiness everyone!!! I am forever grateful for your support through my battle.XoxoBlindsided.
Sounds like a plan blindsided .. go for it with or without him xxx
Good for you!! That is so great to have that opportunity for work and I am so happy his parents will be there to help. It sounds amazing. I find it interesting since in our relationship my husband always feels more regret than I do about the kids. We do sneak away but often for one or two nights. I am always pushing for one more night. We have had some major discussions about this and he says it is since I am the primary caregiver and the one the kids go to the most. He is gone away at work and I work from home. If they need something they come to me. I will say I think this was more intense and set in motion during his 10 "affair years". He worked hard but was detached and entitled. So that made my bond with our kids even stronger. I would suggest having an open discussion if you are up from bringing it up. And not even about this trip. But I know I would have to say something. For me I have told my husband this is no longer about his affairs and lies. This is now about what kind of marriage and relationship each of us wants. And our kids are a huge priority but if we are not a team and understanding each other then we are no good for them. Do what you are comfortable with but I would have to say something. I am always the one to bring stuff up but I promised myself I would not sit and keep things to myself. One idea would be maybe he could meet you for a couple nights even so that he can still be home and spend some time with his parents too. And I know I would validate him and say you are right we do need to schedule with an attorney to get our will and trust in place. So glad you are doing so well and have a great trip!!
Hopeful as always great advice!! I did eventually tell him his lack of excitement bothered me. He knows that i feel our connection needs to grow and this is so important even for the kids sake. They need to see a happy marriage. But still he is just not in it. For example I've been googling things to do in Houston (ahhhhh yes I'm going to TEXAS!!!! Crazy!!! So excited!!) lol anyways and when I start to get into some of the fun things we could do he tells me we better get a will in place in case we die. Hmft. Okay. Sure. Good idea i guess but can join me in excitement? Nope. Cant. He starts in on how he feels bad for his mom for having to care for the kids, the extra money blah blah. Okay i get it, all valid pointz...buuut whats worse?, his mom babysitting for 4 days or watching her son go through a divorce cus we will never see eye to eye again? A bit tight for a few months or a divorce finacially crippling him? Pretty sure chances of him dying in a car accident commuting to work every week is higher then a plane crash too. Oh well. Let him be neg... i wont take his neg energy as my own anymore!I suspect he is a bit preoccupied again... maybe porn maybe a crush coworker... oh man I really really hope not his previous AP but maybe. She would have to be one really broken individual to take him back now under the same lies as before. In case I'm wrong tho I'm just gunna let it run its course... i dont want to check up on him... it totally icks me out thinking about looking at his phone. Ha! Oh man 6 months ago i had phone tracking software hidden on it!!! Like im in a different world mentally and i love it!! I don't want to go back. He is treating me amazing so maybe im wrong. OR Maybe he is doing something sketchy but not cheating. my thoughts on his disconnection could also be because i am just so engaged in life now and he is kinda stuck... and is insecure in my confidence. Like he spent a whole day with me complaining about how i was looking at a zit in his face. I didnt even care about the stupid zit, I barely saw it!!! But he couldnt get over it... "are you looking at it??" I laughed it off but seriously he is so stuck in all his yuck and insecure about everything. Man... yeah im gunna disown him cus of a zit. Ummmm news flash!! ive gotten over worse!!!! how can someone live like that and not be propelled to change?? but He is not doing anything about it!!! No therapy still, no open conversations with me. Just the same old before the affair started life... suffer away man-boy. I ain't anymore.(ain't.. they say that in Texas right???)well I'm getting way more out of life now... like I've come out of some crazy cacoon. I'm juat not afraid like I was. It's amazing. Life is so full for for me. Houston here I come!!!:) :) I hope y'all have a wonderful peace filled weekend. (see how I said y'all?? They say that kind of stuff in Texas too right??) LolXoxoxoBlindsided.Pssst Elle, reschedule the retreat... like for mid march and make it in Houston... ;) jk.. how can someone win the lottery twice?! Having an amazing time lovely ladies.
Blindsided, that is awesome you get to go on a trip and awesome that your first thought was an opportunity to repair. His loss if he doesn’t take you up on it. A similar thing happened to me 1 month after Dday. So, my advice would be go by yourself and even with financial constraints, please try and do what you want and make it a healing experience. Sometimes a break from each other actual helps with bonding. Take pictures and just do it. You are so worth it!
Sam A, thank you. I threw myself into my work today and that helped. Yes, tomorrow is another day.
Here's a great little song, if you don't mind country music, same sort of visual as the branch and the bird-it's rightly called Fly.Valentines day is a tough one, I know, and luckily I have never been too invested in it. Beagle Mom I feel for you, it's a rough one for many, and I think especailly us, who THOUGHT we had what dreams were made of in so many ways. I've always felt like going on a VD was too much pressure, and too many high heels and forced conversation at the table next to you.But if we can make it through this day, AND do it ON TOP of D-Day, we have our wings ladies. Enjoy--the link to the song is belowKeep on climbing though the ground might shakeKeep on reaching though the limb might breakWe've come this far, don't you be scared nowcuz you can learn to Fly on the way down.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfDr_7LN-Ew
I've been away from the site for so long... I've forgotten some of your stories... Ann and Jo I just spent 1 hour reading your updates to your situations... man I'm like the bad friend who takes all the support then doesn't return the favour!! Ah the guilt! Both of your stories are so heart wrenching. Jo and Ann... he knows. HE KNOWS what he is doing is madness. He is refusing to look at it. Not your problem or your fault. You cannot work with someone who will not work with you. It is terribly damaging and exhausting. There is to much inside you at stake to risk... but you know this!!! You guys are awesome!! You are putting yourself together (set backs are normal) and who knows... in a month in a year in 3 years you could be wishing it didn't take so long to get on with how u were always meant to live. Live fully... without fear... imagine what you would do if you were not afraid? It's my new moto!Ps Jo... I really think he is still with the OW. To separate so quickly with this kind of reaction ... it sure sounds like he has a back up plan in place. I dont want to hurt you Jo... it's Just, it like screams at me when I read your story. I want to give you a huge hug. You are so right for noticing how he did not apologize to his kids... he is deep in the fog of his actions. He is delutional... seriously when it hits him... and it will one day... he will be more horrified then you at what he has done. It will be his biggest regret and he will spend his life trying to rationalize it in order to live in his own skin. What a horrible existance. Id rather be on our end... your clarity is how I feel as well. I still think my H will or is cheating.. there is something amiss about his actions. But when the time comes that I get an even clearer picture I'll just go. I know he has it good. I know I'm a kick ass wife and a God grated good mom. He wants so self medicate with affairs he won't do it with me involved. Because I have value and I know it. So do you Jo... you know your quality. I know it for Sure!! It also screams at me in your post. I juat feel you are full of love and it's too bad and such a shame for him and the potential that was there if he doesn't commit. You are gunna be fine tho No you are. And me too. We all are.Just one more thing... maybe thia will help both your situations: I get to see my father in law and his "OW" live out their fantasy life of the affair gone right situation. Fantasy is the right description. My Hs dad continued his relationahip with his affair partner after his mom left him. They are now married. Their life is awful... like beyond awful. No friends, no family support, constant fighting and battles between their selfish behaviour, neither has admitted wrong doing, rationalized their behaviour and continue to do so. They are plagued with affairs and swinger relationships. She is so insecure she will go along with anything he says. He is pathological with his lies I don't think he knows what is real ( I shoveled the neighbors drive so I'm a good person it doesn't matter if I just slept with A B C and probably D E and F too)Ann don't for one second think that your husband and this woman are happy.. two wrongs don't make a right. Seriously try putting a stop to those thoughts cus resentment is an awful thing... I lived in it for months... let them have their "fun" chances are she is cheating on him anyways. Don't give up ladies you are doing so awesome!! One day at a time.Blindsided.
Blindsided,I'm excited for you and your trip to Houston! Good for you! Yes, I think my h is at least still in contact with the ow, if not something more. I don't want to believe it, but my gut tells me otherwise. Also, I discovered my h did see the ow at work about 2 wks ago, and that he TOLD HER HE AND I ARE SEPARATED. I couldn't believe he told her that. He obviously has a backup plan, if not worse, as you suggested. I will post more about that later. Thank you for your support and encouragement - I need it! I always thought of myself as such a strong person, but man am I being tested. Some days I just want to say, No, I can't do all of this today. So, I started saying NO and allowing myself some grace. Yes, one day at a time for sure. One day at a time. :)
That’s great news Ann, well done for taking your h gestures for what they are xxx
Valentine’s Day My h lived up to his promise to help me through the hard times. We’re four weeks into hospice with my mother and the card he picked out for her was so touching! She has no idea what a shitshow of our marriage he made in 2011! I refuse to ruin her final stages of life since she’s had him on a pedestal for 39 years. The only son in law that really ever cared about her feelings. He is responsible for cutting her grass for 10 years and was fully engaged in his affair but continued to do his duties. He cooked us all a steak dinner and roses were on the table. So I survived yet another set of roses all though they are kinda trigger because I got a dozen that year in 2014...guilt roses... right before the cow blew up my world! What the hell...it’s not the flowers fault. I’m enjoying the hell out of them today!
Great post. This bird has made an appointment with a new therapist who is associated with the Center for Healthy Sex in SoCal. She is expensive and well trained and I'm moving forward for me. I am actually doing pretty well after all this and now feel that my triggers after 2 years 7 months are firmly rooted in my own childhood. I'm feeling strong enough and ready to confront those ghosts.
Glad your enjoying the roses Theresa, you deserve them in abundance : ) .. thinking of you and your family during this difficult time with your Mum .. if I had some advice to give you, having lost my mum recently I would say take lots of videos so you can watch them and hear your mums voice, these are so precious once they are gone., alongside wonderful memories these are all we have to share to our kids, grankids in years to come.. hugs xxx
BeachGirl although my therapy is not at that center my therapist IS at a sexual health clinic and it’s made ALL the difference in the works to me i have not been this year- just to busy- but i need to start back. Alone or with my H. I loved our previous counselor who got us they the tray after d-day1 but getting into this sexual health focused environment has been truly amazing.