What do you do when what's leaving you stuck is that gut feeling that he is still lying to you? Not about still having the affair, he is so transparent with all of his things now that he would have to be a master mind to keep it going (we have also moved to another state) But still lying about details. Looking me in the eye and saying things that just don't add up. I feel so stuck. I don't want to leave and most days feel like I don't want to stay either. If we didn't have children, I am pretty sure I would just leave, even though I do want to see if we can rebuild and have a new marriage. This everyday feeling of still being lied to is too much to handle most days.
I recently heard from the therapist about the "lie until you die" concept where cheaters will continue to lie because they can't face the facts/the truth - is really just moral cowardice as they try to save their own skin and limit the repercussions of their actions - and/or what I think is the worst, is that they "don't want to hurt anymore". Well we know more lying is NOT going to help or spare us and they should have thought of not hurting us before they started lying and cheating. I have said to my husband so many times, please tell me the truth otherwise we don't stand a chance. I know he, like so many, say they "can't remember" certain details. I believe him on some of the time as I think he honestly has blacked out or blocked out some details that he couldn't face in the immediate aftermath and sometimes I am actually relieved when he says he doesn't remember because I am conflicted and a part of me doesn't want to know or have certain things confirmed. Are you in counseling together? I think a good couples therapist can help him understand more lying at this point is only going to cause more harm (esp if it becomes a "trickle truth") and honestly is the only way to rebuild trust and your marriage. I think we have all learned to trust our guts more than anything so I think you need to raise this and get some closure on whether he is able to be honest moving forward. Even if it causes him to have to retract more recent lies and you feel like you are starting from square one all over again. Again I think doing this with the support of a good couples therapist is the safest and best way to raise this. Just my suggestion though, which I hope is helpful. Good luck. You are doing important and brave and probably the most difficult work of your life in this situation. I hope you can find clarity and if you keep doing this hard work I believe it will come.
What do you do when what's leaving you stuck is that gut feeling that he is still lying to you? Not about still having the affair, he is so transparent with all of his things now that he would have to be a master mind to keep it going (we have also moved to another state) But still lying about details. Looking me in the eye and saying things that just don't add up.
ReplyDeleteI feel so stuck. I don't want to leave and most days feel like I don't want to stay either. If we didn't have children, I am pretty sure I would just leave, even though I do want to see if we can rebuild and have a new marriage. This everyday feeling of still being lied to is too much to handle most days.
I recently heard from the therapist about the "lie until you die" concept where cheaters will continue to lie because they can't face the facts/the truth - is really just moral cowardice as they try to save their own skin and limit the repercussions of their actions - and/or what I think is the worst, is that they "don't want to hurt anymore". Well we know more lying is NOT going to help or spare us and they should have thought of not hurting us before they started lying and cheating. I have said to my husband so many times, please tell me the truth otherwise we don't stand a chance. I know he, like so many, say they "can't remember" certain details. I believe him on some of the time as I think he honestly has blacked out or blocked out some details that he couldn't face in the immediate aftermath and sometimes I am actually relieved when he says he doesn't remember because I am conflicted and a part of me doesn't want to know or have certain things confirmed. Are you in counseling together? I think a good couples therapist can help him understand more lying at this point is only going to cause more harm (esp if it becomes a "trickle truth") and honestly is the only way to rebuild trust and your marriage. I think we have all learned to trust our guts more than anything so I think you need to raise this and get some closure on whether he is able to be honest moving forward. Even if it causes him to have to retract more recent lies and you feel like you are starting from square one all over again. Again I think doing this with the support of a good couples therapist is the safest and best way to raise this. Just my suggestion though, which I hope is helpful. Good luck. You are doing important and brave and probably the most difficult work of your life in this situation. I hope you can find clarity and if you keep doing this hard work I believe it will come.
DeleteIt is hard but it can be done, going on the right path, and that feeling of feeling good, great again starts to come back.
ReplyDelete