"Every time you're given the choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappointed that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself."
~Glennon Doyle, Untamed
How do you stop the pattern of disappointing yourself and how do you stop accepting it when your spouse does it.
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteThat's a good question. It can be hard to recognize when we've spent a lifetime prioritizing other people's wants/needs over our own. But it begins with paying attention to ourselves. To noticing that little pang when we agree to something that we don't really want. Or when we brush aside our feelings as "not important" or "it doesn't matter". Try and get still as often as you can -- long walks by yourself, or meditating can help. You'll begin to notice that you have an inner voice. And if you get into the habit of listening to it, it will become louder.
One thing that helped me was building in a pause whenever anyone asked me to do something. And within that pause (which could be a few seconds, a few hours, or a few days), I could interrogate myself. Do I really want to do this thing? Do I want to do it with this person? Does it align with my values? How does it make me feel to imagine agreeing? How does it make me feel to imagine saying 'no'? It took a lot of work on my part. I had a wonderful therapist who was forever reminding me that "'NO' is a complete sentence." And who kept encouraging me to stop tolerating bad behaviour from others.
Which brings me to the second part of your question: You stop accepting disappointment from others when you begin to perceive yourself of worthy of more. You will learn to find that voice that can say, "It's not okay for you to leave me waiting while you're late." or "It's not okay for you to criticize me." Or "It's not okay for you to talk to me like that." It will be REALLY hard. I spent half my lifetime NOT speaking up. Hell, it would take me a day or two to even NOTICE that I was hurt by someone's comment or actions. And then I would talk myself out of it -- "she didn't mean it" or "I"m being too sensitive." Finally, again when I began to listen to myself, I was able to really believe that I didn't have to tolerate other people's bad bheaviour. It doesn't matter if they "meant it", it doesn't matter that I'm sensitive. My job is to treat myself with respect and kindness, which makes it clear to others that they must treat me with respect and kindness too or they aren't welcome in my life.
You can do this, Unknown. And, trust me, it feels so much better on the other side. Read Untamed, by Glennon Doyle, which is where this quote comes from. It will ignite the fire that's already a spark in your heart.
Elle,
ReplyDeleteCan I please ask how you felt in year two almost approaching 3 years? Were you and your husbands marriage starting starting to become a bit more normal?
It's hard for me to remember. I do know it was closer to five years when I truly felt like the affair was behind us -- gone. But yes, closing in on three years, I felt increasingly comfortable with my decision to stay. I could see the changes in my husband. I was falling in love with him again. I was regaining my respect for him.
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteThat worries me because I am not feeling these things and still feel stuck in my decision to move either way. I don’t know if it’s because I have so many other life stresses eg financial security and struggle with my mental health which could make it more complicated? I’m feeling so frustrated that one day i sway more towards leaving and then I panic and feel like staying is the right thing and then don’t feel happy about that either! :(
I’m starting to loose hope that I will ever find a resolve, I can relate to almost all of of your emotions in your blogs and believed I was on a similar time line to you but, I still feel so unsure and stuck and frustrated. I’m just exhausted and drained from not being able to make some sort of decision to move either way. I think there’s a lot of other factors that have contributed to feeling like this but, I am fed up!
ReplyDeleteHM,
ReplyDeleteSept. 27, 2019. Not 3 years but getting there. I'm still a mess, like you. I have no kids at home anymore. Not going to school. Trying to work to support myself. Still in therapy.
You are a Queen, like Ellie says. I, too, encourage you to take a bit of time with a therapist's help. Ground yourself again and get help listening to the little girl inside who needs you so badly right now. That pain you feel really will lesson. Not easy to believe right now but I can attest. My pain is often as intense as it was then but only occasionally. But it is doable.
Time for you to think about ME instead of we.
41 years when I was hit with the worst pain I have ever felt. But, I'm still here after 2 years. Take care of that little girl. All the hugs and love I can send you.