Feeling Stuck? Part 21

32 comments:

  1. Curveball city. After 8 months of living apart, my h suddenly declared he had broken up with his ow. Three days later, floods of tears and a choked "I'm so sorry". I was really surprised. I had already been (sadly) making plans to leave our rented house and started to look for different accommodation... After all the ups and downs of the past year, I was suspicious of this sudden change. Hardly dared to hope. Didn't know if I wanted him any more. Felt a mix of happiness, surprise and wariness when he caught me for a hug (during his emotional waterfall).

    Sure enough, his next words were that he really wanted us to try again. Before I could speak (and I was taking my time to let things sink in), he told me he still loved the ow and he wasn't sure about me.

    Latest development: we went to a counsellor together where he said he did want to try. It turned out he had given notice to leave the apartment where the betrayals had taken place, assuming he could just move back in with me.

    But he didn't ask or consult me. Just assumed. I told him this made me feel so disregarded and taken for granted. He responded that he thought I wanted to try again. Duh! He doesn't have a CLUE about communication and respecting people's feelings.

    Today he phoned to say he was moving in his boxes of stuff. I was completely taken aback. We had a talk. I'm letting him stay on the couch until I leave for the summer in a month. But I feel really ambivalent about it all.

    Does anyone have tips about setting boundaries and limits when you are forced to live under the same roof for a temporary period?

    Context: not much money, rural place, toddler to be cared for (he has contributed financially and parentally all along), I'm leaving in a month = not feasible for me to find another place to move to in the meantime... andI he claims he can't find anywhere

    ReplyDelete
  2. Selkie, what a difficult situation to be in, you've managed to keep things together for the last 8 months and now because your h thinks he's ready to give things another try he turns your world upside down. Has he explained why he has ended it with the ow, how do you feel about him still being in love with her? .. this next month will not be easy Selkie he's withdrawing from someone who he has had a relationship with, my concern is for you. You must set some clear boundaries if he is to come back on the couch.. there has to be no contact whatsoever with the ow, if you and he are to try and heal from this he must have no contact. What are the consequences if he does?. Like you said Selkie he doesn't have a clue about respecting your feelings therefore you need to ensure you respect your feelings, continue to self care and put yourself first. Personally I wouldn't give him too much attention at this point until he proves himself to you. I would be tempted to keep things the same as they were when you were living separately, your right to be weary Selkie stay strong and keep us posted. Big hugs I understand how difficult this is for you, remember keep focusing on you and your little one xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sam A. It's so hard. He's away for work for a few days this week, which is a relief. I found some of his clothes in the laundry basket and just felt so fed up. I picked the other stuff out from around them- he can wash them himself. (To be fair, he never asked me to wash them, but I just feel so many aspects of his presence as invasive. There is soooo much stuff for us to address first.)

      He has stopped the relationship with the ow, but has not (yet?) deleted her past messages. He told me he looks at them sometimes trying to figure out what happened. He thinks he "was fooled"... I think he was fooling himself. What is the point of holding on to these messages if he "really wants us to try again"? I simply said to him that deleting them would be an important step for our relationship. I am under no illusions as to his current capacity to manage to do anything much.

      I am really finding it difficult to set consequences for things. He is finally trying to change/ get things moving (albeit at an excruciatingly slow pace and in a very very clumsy manner). Part of me want to encourage that. Another part of me wants to scream "Wake UP! You're not the only person in the world. Think of my feelings for a change!" I just think it would be counterproductive.

      I'm leaving for the summer in just over a month, when I hope to finally have some time and space to myself to reflect and replenish my inner resources. I am aware that this month might be the last time we are living under the same roof. I know it could be a crucial period for the future of us all. I don't want it to slide by uselessly, but I don't feel clear enough to set any ultimatums.

      We are doing family things together with our daughter- but he is in a confused state and not really good at talking things over. I am glad he is now seeking professional help, but I'm not sure how long it will take to see any improvements in his mental health. In the meantime, I have to preserve my own wellbeing and that of our toddler (who is doing great for now, luckily).

      Delete
    2. Selkie, I'm sorry I'm just getting to this message now. And I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
      But I'm going to urge you to really start setting boundaries based on WHAT YOU WANT. Now what he wants. Not what will rock the boat the least. But what you actually WANT. And that's going to mean that you need to sit down and figure that out. I think your plan to let him stay on the couch while you get ready to leave for the summer is good. And he should absolutely be spending time with your daughter. His "confused state" shouldn't get in the way of being a present and responsible father.
      But set some ground rules. You're not there to do his laundry, to clean up after him, to be his mother. He either takes care of himself and his stuff or he finds somewhere else.
      Selkie, Sam A has given you really good advice. You absolutely must be clear on what you expect and what the consequences are for violating that. Boundaries aren't "counterproductive" as you put it -- they are rules for having a relationship with you. And given that your relationship with him has been, from the sounds of it, based on HIS rules and not yours, it's time for things to change.
      Someday you're going to have a teenager and this is good practice for what you'll be dealing with then. ;) Setting boundaries/consequences isn't about not loving the other person, it's about taking care of yourself and keeping yourself emotionally safe. Which is your job.
      His job is to learn to respect those boundaries because that's what being in a healthy relationship is about.

      Delete
    3. Feeling stuck, very aptly labeled! Elle says 'this is part of it'. Part! Part! I read from many of you that there's more to follow; acceptance, joy, I may even sincerely laugh out loud again! One morning 'that' cloud may wait awhile, not pressing down in the first 30 seconds after I awaken. Hopeful thoughts for these days!

      'The Sun Always Rises And Is Beautiful' a little whisper that does calm and brighten me. I will even physically make myself stop and view it at times, or the sunset. Gazing on the colors seemingly being painted just for me before my eyes. Some days are cloudy, or its noon. Doesn't matter, it's a constant. The sun ALWAYS rises and is BEAUTIFUL!
      Truth

      Delete
    4. Thank you, Elle. I barely have time to take a shower these days- intense period at work and every minute at home is either housework or childcare. I am travelling for work for two days soon and plan to use the train journey to sleep and also to reflect on things. I've been so busy keeping things going that I really haven't (dared to/ wanted to) taken the time to really ask myself what might be best for ME.

      It will be a big learning experience for me. I realise now that I have spent too long being concerned about other people at the expense of my own wellbeing. I have been trying more self-care and treats for myself since finding out about the affair (and thanks to tips on this blog - thank you all!), but I tend to either occupy my mind or distract myself (rushing around being busy)... or else just zone out altogether (running, massage, yoga). The one thing I cannot do is to stay still and let things come in on me. All those thoughts and feelings. I have been writing my thoughts and feelings in a notebook, but always in a big rush (in the carpark before work, in my bed before sleeping) and it's more of a release than a reflection.

      I really hope I will get the space and clarity to figure out some good boundaries for this next month of unexpected cohabitation.

      Delete
  3. Selkie. My heart is aching for you and dear your little one. Sam A has given you some really good tips. I have to say it. I’m so angry and sad for how he’s treated you. Now things didn’t work out with his AP he wants to come back? And he says he loves her and not sure about you? The cheek of these men.
    My sister gave me some advise – years ago – before I was married. I should have listened to her then. Keep your own little stash of money. She calls it her “f.. off money”. Strength to you Selkie. I am thinking of you.
    Gabby xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Gabby. I really appreciate your good wishes. I need every bit of strength these days. I am so exhausted after all the craziness of the last while. My h is still crying at the drop of a hat, and I just feel empty. I need time out.
      I do have some money for myself- a rainy day cushion - but I don't think it would last very long. At least I know it's there if ever I need a month without working.
      Very best wishes to you too. Nobody here has it easy.

      Delete
  4. I would appreciate some input and perspective. I first posted in 2014 about my husband of 22 years who had been sleeping with escorts and having online affairs, CL hookups, and one-night stands for a decade. We have stayed together and our marriage has been so much closer and we've been happier than ever before. After I found out about the escorts, on D-Day 2 of 3, we made an agreement that outlined what was/wasn't acceptable, including what counted as porn, which I didn't have a problem with. I had caught him signed on to his escort website account then, which he had claimed he used as porn. I said in no uncertain terms that it was NOT porn, and it was off limits. Well, last week I did a random browser checkup on him and found that he had been on Eccie, his favorite escort site. I confronted, he admitted he had been on and claimed, again, it was just porn because he was bored with the usual porn sites and wanted to "mix it up." His story has evolved every time we've talked. First it was just a peek, then in 5 peeks in 3 years, then 5 in 6 months. He admitted to looking up some of his old favorite escorts just to "see what they were doing." He swears he did not call, text, email. or have any contact at all. As far as I know, he has been sexually faithful for 3 years. I have told him that I am considering divorce and that he is clearly fucked up, needs help, and is a lying sack of shit. Oh, and he also admitted that he started chatting with women and sexting after our son was born, 17 years ago. I am overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin. Every fiber of my being thinks that he is beyond hope, our marriage is over, and I'm a fool, and yet, here I am. He is started IC and has gone to a SAA meeting, which left him visibly shaken. I don't think it means much at this point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Cactus Flower, have you considered making his continued participation in IC and/or SAA a non-negotiable for you? My H also suffers from depression/drug & porn addiction/cyber affairs and our IC has made it very clear to him that taking his meds and going to counseling (right now we go either as a couple or as individuals 1x/wk - in the future that may only need to be 1x/month or even less, but never stop) is mandatory. For now he gets it and he is committed to keeping up with it. I did make h promise to stop porn after Dday and he agreed but I caught him on it a few times when I was out of town, then I made it clear that it was a non-negotiable for me and so far he is keeping his promise (although it's only been a couple of months). I see porn for an addict as a slippery slope, it was my H's gateway drug to cyber sex which opened the door to actual sex. If your H has truly been diagnosed with SA then you need the advice of a professional - I think porn for a SA is like telling an alcoholic they can only have beer but no hard liquor. Having to play PI in your own marriage is exhausting on so many levels - for many months after Dday I was doing just that. P.S. What is CL? not sure I know that abbreviation. Sending camaraderie and support your way.

      Delete
    2. Yes, IC and a support group/sponsor are non-negotiable, and he can't just quit after a few sessions thinking he's "better." I told him flat out that if he doesn't to figure out what is wrong and fix it we have no future. As for the porn, after this last episode I've said he has to be porn-free. I said it's like an alcoholic hanging around the liquor store just to " see what going on." He asked if Playboy was okay, LOL. Um...no. I'm really not sure about the SAA. I think there is value in the 12 steps for anyone who is struggling with stopping negative behaviors/addiction, but I don't put much stock in "sex addiction" per se. Still, he can learn a lot from the experiences of others and gain insight into his own problems and motivations. He's been so shut down from any kind of self-awareness that it's a major step forward just for him to admit what he's done. BTW, I used the slippery slope analogy too. He denied that it was, but then admitted that when he's watching porn he's in a "sex fog" and doesn't think about what he's doing. Exactly, dear. SMH. And CL is Craigslist. Ick.

      Delete
    3. CF,
      I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Being disappointed a second (and third and fourth...)time is devastating. Just when you think you can relax and let your guard down.
      He clearly has a problem. But it's HIS problem. I'm glad you've set some clear conditions on reconciliation. And, of course, at any point if you've had enough, even if he's doing everything "right", you get to make that choice.
      In the short term, however, it sounds as if you're willing to see what he does next. I would encourage you to seek help for yourself, to ensure that you don't try and manage his recovery. While you can support his recovery, you don't want to fall into explaining it to him.
      You've laid out what he needs to do. Now it's up to him to do it. And yes, total abstinence from porn, etc. is the only way. It's something he'll learn in SAA if he's willing to listen.

      Delete
    4. Thank you, Elle (and Steam and BeG!). Yeah, it's hard to back off. We stayed up until 1:00 am the other night talking and fighting, and that was my limit. I had an aha! moment yesterday when I finally FELT the truth that nothing I do will matter, or DID matter in the first place. I had full access to his accounts and whereabouts, and he still broke the rules. It's all on him now. I'm looking into my options and working on moving on with my life.

      Delete
    5. Amen for that! It's liberating (and yes, a bit terrifying) to realize that we can never ever control another person. They get to decide what they'll do and WE get to decide what we'll do. And what you're doing sounds exactly right.

      Delete
  5. Cactus Flower, you are so much like me. I too never had an issue with porn and my H DID treat escort sites and craigslist as porn. It was a big turn on for him to check out the sites, check out the girls, verify the phone numbers etc etc--or at least that is what he told me after D-Day 1. and I believed him.

    So porn and reading online sites was not on my list of "nevers" when we were working things out.

    What I did not know at the time was that he had REALLy acted out on these sites after years of looking (and a few times, before I met him). So now, those things are NOT cool in my book. Some people can handle booze and some cant. Some people can handle websites like that and some can't. i used to be addicted--not really addicted, but I was drawn to first the "lonely hearts" ads in old newspapers and to the personal ads--even when they turned sordid--years and years ago. I read them all the time, my jaw often wide open in shock--but never ONCE did i act on them, and I never thought my H would either.

    But that's exactly where he went running to for D-Day 2.
    I also found him on facebook,checking up on a girl he had met in person around D-day one, in a strip club but never hooked up with. I FLIPPED. He asked if he was NEVER supposed to check on her and see how she's doing???? He was shocked that I had such a boundary. I told him, this woman was a gate way drug for him, he pursued the hell out of her for over a year and she was part of the time that just about ruined my life. so yeah, she was also off limits as was ANYONE from that time frame. Case Closed. BTW you're not a fool, he's the one who's off his gourd. I feel for you girl, I know the exact feeling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think they don't want to accept that it's all off limits. They're like children.
      Of course my H claimed that he never agreed to the list of banned sites, even though I left it hanging on the wall above our toilet (at his eye level) for nearly a year and he never once disputed it. I said that it didn't matter whether he agree or not because he doesn't get a vote. He lost the right to have a say in the rules 17 years ago. You know, Steam, I have looked all over the escort sites, and for the life of me I don't understand how he just looks at pictures. After PornHub it seems like pictures wouldn't be enough. I suspect he's been making use of the links to cam sites and free videos. He denies it of course. TBD.

      Delete
    2. CF, I agree with you. Shortly after Dday I caught my H using pot (he's an addict - practically daily x 2 decades behind my back) and so we had a huge blow-up fight in the middle of the night - screaming, me telling him to get out. I vividly remember the first words out of his mouth when I told him choose pot or me was "you can't tell me what to do". It was SO childish. And then I had my ah'ha moment. No one ever told my H "no" before, not his single-father who did his best but basically had no rules and not the mother who abandoned him and got to be his 'friend' on holidays and not the women on porn sites. A few weeks earlier in MC H said to me to justify his actions "I hated you". MC stopped & asked him: "who say's I hate you?" H had to answer honestly: "children".

      They have to 'man-up', no woman wants to have her husband be an emotional juvenile and at least in my marriage that made me loose respect for him, which allowed him to tell himself the narrative 'she doesn't love me' which allowed him to justify cheating.

      Delete
  6. Hi ladies. I desperately, desperately need some advice. My H and I are doing great. For the most part. He says all the right things, is very attentive, travels for work less (even though he should), we feel more connected, still have a lot of great sex, and do much more together than ever before. Today is the 1.5 year mark from dday. We went to counseling and worked things out, renewed our wedding vows, and everything is great. Except my h continues to drink in secret. I have found his hidden liquor, called him on, and he's promised not to do again. But I've recently discovered he is still secretly drinking liquor. I know. I can tell when he's been drinking more than just beer. I found another hidden bottle but now I just don't even look. When I called him on it he said he would quit secretly drinking if I quit smoking (which I do not do at work or in front of our adult children and most friends). We are both to some degrees addicts but at least my smoking only hurts me. I agreed but haven't quit yet.

    Here's the problem. H is retiring in November. We're one month away from 38 years of marriage. Now H is on a kick to have me retire with him. I'm nervous. My job is the ONE THING that I feel I do well. For the most part I love my job (it's only the daily 1 1/2 hour one way commute that does me in). He always knows where I am and when I'm coming home (my current boss does not let me spontaneously leave early). I'm nervous about giving up my job. I'm 57 but eligible to retire. In my entire life I am FINALLY good at something. I want to retire but I'm nervous. If I give up my job I won't be able to get it back. I don't have an IC right now and our MC won't see me unless h refuses to come with me and I'm afraid to ask him. We've come so far and I'm afraid it will be a set back. H always says the past is the past and we are good now so only look forward. H says he would never do anything to hurt me again and is so ashamed, etc. and I do believe him. But I'm still a nervous wreck. He wants to travel, spend time together, hike, etc in our retirement - with me. Any idea why I'd be so nervous about committing to it?!?

    Any advice? Please???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Feeling lost, if you are uncomfortable with your husband's drinking then it's a problem. Can you bring this up in MC? Perhaps he is self-medicating. As you can see in my note above my H is recovering from pot & porn addiction. H was self-medicating depression caused by being abandoned by MIL when he was a toddler. He hit rock bottom and our marriage just about ended over it until he was willing to get help and finally understood why he was doing it. H tried to give me an ultimatum to quit drinking (although I am not an alcoholic) in order for him to quit pot. It was manipulative and I called him out on it. But I did agree to do that because I believed it would help H get sober. Quitting smoking will be good for your health - do it not because he is manipulating you but because it will be good for you.

      As for retirement, can you kick that can down the road a bit and revisit it later? I think the alcohol is the priority for now. It is so important that people maintain purpose as they age, that doesn't need to be traditional working full-time, but you do need to be fulfilled. You have time to think about that. Don't let the two get wrapped up in a kitchen-sink discussion. Focus on the possible addiction.

      Delete
    2. Feeling Lost,
      Browneyedgirl is right. And your husband knows it's a problem or he wouldn't be sneaky about it. What's more, the "I'll quit if you will" is simply manipulation. You're not sneaky about your smoking. He may well have an addiction but, at this particular moment, I wonder if it's the sneaking/lying about it that's a bigger trigger for you.
      The thing is, Feeling Lost, you get to negotiate things in a marriage. Your fear of rocking the boat has likely led to you giving in plenty in your marriage. He wants you to forgive the deepest betrayal. You're agreeing and things are going great. Now, he's telling you, on some level, that making any sort of demands on him is "living in the past"? Uh, no.
      I would urge you to rock the boat. Start treating your own wants and needs as perfectly reasonable and valid. Start respecting yourself. If his drinking is a problem for you, then you get to ask him to stop. If he refuses or lies about it, then that's on him. And you need to have clear boundaries in place so that there are consequences to it. For instance, if he drinks, he sleeps on the couch. No begging. No blaming. Nothing. Just -- "there's the couch". He gets to decide if it's worth sleeping on the couch to keep drinking.
      As for retirement, you get to decide when the time is right for you. That's it. What feels right for you. If you want time to figure that out, then take that time.
      There are lots to reasons why you might be avoiding retiring with him. From the sounds of things, you don't have an equal voice in your relationship. I wonder if he's a wee bit dictatorial (ie. telling you that by examining the thoughts/behaviour that led him betray you is "living in the past". Most call it learning from their mistakes). Your job is not to please him or acquiesce to him. It is to treat him with kindness and honesty. That is his job to you, as well. Your responsibility to yourself is to treat yourself with kindness and honesty and to respect your own needs/wants.
      Take notice of when you're fearful of asking him for certain things because that's a sign that you're not in an equal relationship. It's a sign that you're giving in to avoid confrontation or to avoid his displeasure. That's co-dependence and it's impossible to have a healthy marriage when one or both partners behave that way.

      Delete
    3. My situation is slightly different but many similarities. My husband will drink with friends, drink too much, come home and regret it. As if people were opening his mouth and forcing down the alcohol. I cannot comprehend this. Really except when first going to college and I figured out my limits and that I needed to say no or take forever to drink my one drink really whatever I needed to do in a situation that I was okay with. For me I continue to tell him if he cannot say no or even realize how much he is drinking and the effects beyond that moment what kind of judgement does he have. He does not even like himself at the end of the night or the days following. To me it is a sign at his lack of judgement, decision making and respect for himself. Exactly what in my opinion allowed him to start the affairs and everything else. I see everything as connected and related he disagrees on that part. He does see it as an issue though. I have now told him if he chooses to do this not to come home. I do not think it is right, fair or respectful to me to be gone all day and/or into the evening and then come home miserable and falling apart. It would be one thing if he came home saying that he had the best time catching up with his friends but realizes he drank too much. It hit home with him when I told him not to come home anymore. We have had long discussions that alcohol is a depressant. I think some people are more susceptible to it than others. He is hit by it quickly and the effects last for days. I am done with it though. I would rather be alone.

      And as far as work goes we are younger so no where near retirement. Recently though someone I have known for almost 15 years was surprised to hear I work. I have worked this entire time. I made the comment to my husband that I am frustrated by people in general that know nothing about me, ask no questions and then act surprised as this woman did. And I know what her job/career was before I ever knew her 15 + years ago. I was commenting on that aspect of society which I feel is more common than ever now. Well he shocked me when he said that he liked that people thought I did not work and was a stay at home mom. He feels it reflects better on him and his success. I was floored and am honestly still upset by it. He wants me to work and enjoys the extra money that I generate. He also sees that I gain confidence and reward but hearing this he basically wants to keep it under wraps to boost his ego. It is different than your situation but after this long it was like a punch in my gut and sits with me daily. And wrapped up in all of this is I gave up my career aspirations and goals for his career and to move to where we live. I have made the best of what I can but gave up a lot to support him and it feels like a major slap in the face. Then I drudge up memories like when I brought up wanting to pursue and MBA and I remember him saying how much will that cost and what will the pay off be is it even worth it. At the time we had two small kids so I am not even sure that it could have been done but I feel like I see all these things flash before my eyes and it is upsetting. If I bring it up I get that living in the past or I can't change it now reasoning and also you have this amazing bond with our kids that I will never have since I was working so hard. I am wondering if keeping your job provides you with some personal security, confidence and something of your own. It is a huge deal after this type of injury I think and am realizing more and more each day.

      Delete
    4. Feeling lost, your post struck me on how many times you used the phase , "I'm afraid." It sounds like your the one walking on egg shells. So you both decided to R but there are serious disconnections still lingering. My husband was a closest smoker, he was afraid of me. I told him I didn't care if he smoked stop hiding it. He did and. I Bought him a pack of cigarettes and in about a year he quit all on his own. Your husband is keeping secrets from you that is not good. Your keeping secrets that you don't want to quit your job right now because you don't trust him yet - your keeping secrets from him not good. The good I see is he wants to be with you. He wants you so he needs to understand you don't want to quit your job because you still don't trust him. He wants to spend time with you but he needs to understand your not rejecting him as a person but you are still healing. Bring the drinks out of the closest. Why not? You all have to be authentic in what you want in a relationship. Don't be afraid to rock the boat. That is how you learn more about him and if you can begin to think about trusting him. Rocking the boat in normal. You both need MC to learn how to talk to each other.

      Delete
  7. Hi Feeling Lost
    If you want to keep working...do so. When YOU are ready to think of retirement, would you be able to scale back a few days, just so you can get the feel of less work and more home time? After being betrayed, all the women know how important it is to do what makes you happy and I feel so happy for you that you have found something that you enjoy doing and feel good at with your work. Confidence is a big blocker for me too, so I get where you are coming from. I have a h that refuses to go to MC as like yours he is all for moving forward and not looking back. Which is just a load of shit. Him not facing up to healing our marriage - or working why he did this. Why does he want you to retire at the same time? Does he depend on you to do things for him, have a social life with? Does he have an interest so when he retires it will keep him busy? I know you have worked on your marriage and are feeling connected, but they (husbands) had affairs when they wanted, so please do what's right for you. Think about what you need.
    Hugs
    Gabby xo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, Lost, I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you know the answer to why you are nervous about committing to retire. Listen to your inner voice, the signs that are around you, and the issues that you might be pushing to the back.
    The drinking in secret tells me that things aren't as healed as they need to be. The statement that the "past is the past" raises alarm bells. 1.5 years is not alot of time to undo the damage of possibly years of lies and other issues that are in a 38 year marriage. A good IC would help you listen to your inner voice and help you find why you are a nervous wreck. I suspect things aren't adding up for you--maybe it isn't about him and the lying, maybe it is about you and your voice and what you want--or maybe it is both, or something else altogether. Give yourself time and space to find that out.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Feeling Lost,
    You have a lot going on in your life and 1.5 years out is really not that far out from your D-day in the big picture. I am also married 38 years and just passed my 2 year D-day milestone. My job was my saving grace after D-day. It was the only thing that I really felt validated about in life. My job is something I know well and I love doing. I've been cutting way back because I want to and because I feel ready to move to the next level in my life. I am 66 so older than you and we are very financially stable. I don't need the money and at the present time, I also do not feel like I need/want the stability of my work because I've managed to get a pretty good handle on my life. The secret drinking is a big issue. Adults don't hide behaviors unless it is a problem. Your spouse has a problem. I wonder if he would be willing to have a drug and alcohol evaluation? Honestly, if he thinks life is good (except he drinks in secret and hides this like a teenager) then I suspect retirement with him will be stressful and less than fun. He may be looking for any number of ways to hide the alcohol dependency from you on the road. I know that if I still loved my work as much now as I did at D-Day I would not be winding down my professional commitments. It will take me two years to clear out everything I need to do to give up my license and I'm still OK with the process. You sound like you are far from confident about this so listen to your head/heart and be true to yourself. This is your life. Peace and love to you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Feeling stuck. Had to attend a work party with husband. (New job, new coworkers after an affair with coworker at previous job). So much anxiety. Like I don't know how to be around people anymore. Overwhelmed with sadness when I've been feeling progress. And feeling in control.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Like I don't know how to be around people anymore." Yup. Been there / am there. Wish I had advice. Hugs.

      Delete
  11. Hello wise ones, I could use some support. I hesitate to say how long it's been since the various D-days because I don't want to be a huge downer for others here! But, well, it's been almost 5 1/2 years since the last D-day, when I found the proof that my husband's affair was actually physical (video -- ick, it's bad enough my husband cheated, but why did he have to be so effing stupid, too?). I'm as confident as it's possible to be that he ended communication with her at once and hasn't communicated with her for six years now (and we live very far apart), but it's been difficult for me because for months and months he showed no remorse and essentially blamed me. He finally came around, but I think the real damage was done by the way he acted in that immediate aftermath.

    I'm definitely much better now, but our relationship feels superficial. We get along, etc., but sex is practically nonexistent. I have no desire for him. I don't see him the same way, and I can't get over the fact that after I found out, he chose to put me through more distress by his lack of honesty and lack of caring. In particular, something I really wanted -- and that I have expressed to him many times, most recently about a month ago -- was for him to stand up for me to the OW. He simply stopped emailing her, closing his "secret" account. He never *told* her he was ending it; he never told her he regretted it. And for some reason, that's a huge stumbling block for me. I'm not sure why. I know that at this late date, it would not be a reasonable thing for him to call her up and tell her he believes their relationship was wrong. I *know* that! But I still want him to! I hate, hate, hate that he not only allowed this woman to disrespect me, but he essentially invited her to do so. I can get over the sex (from what I saw on the video, it wasn't too exciting), but I haven't been able to get over the inherent disrespect.

    Any suggestions for me?? Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jennifer,
      Same here X2. I could have written your second paragraph practically word-for-word. Why is this such a stumbling block for us?
      Like you, I *know* it would be unreasonable for him to contact the OWs now -- 2 years post DDay -- and that it could have terrible repercussions because they were both colleagues/subordinates. BUT.... !!!! Is it just such an assault to my sense of fairness? My pride? Do I worry that he didn't explicitly tell them he regretted it because maybe he didn't actually regret it, despite all outward evidence? Ugh.
      Would love to hear advice for how to get through this one.

      Delete
    2. Jennifer, I can relate to a lot of what you say. It has been over 2 years for me since dday. As time progresses I feel like my resentment for how he handled it and was not honest with me has caused more harm and damage. The first five months of dday were really rough since I just knew he was not honest. He finally came out with more details five months later. It was more damaging than the first dday. All he did was lie about the length of each affair. But it was honestly more damaging. Here he disclosed the affairs, said he wanted to work on our marriage and I literally asked the same questions for five months with him denying having no idea what I was talking about. It just did not all make sense. Well then he spilled the beans and I had to push for even more details. I focused on getting past all this at the time and worked hard on myself. But as time has gone by I see that I can work on myself for eternity but it is up to him. He has done nothing huge but it is little things. And I just feel so much pain from that time he was not honest with me and how he handled it all. Even now just living life things come up and I swear it is a flashback to something he said or did during the affair years and I struggle to hold it together and some times break down.

      I wish I had some advice but the most I can say is me too. The best I do is focus on me, the kids and try to tell myself the present and future are what matter most but it is a challenge these days. I thought the first year would be the hardest but it feels as if it is getting harder now.

      Delete
  12. I understand where you are xoming from completely! My H has always put the OW on a pedastal. He believed her over me...even though she was the one cheating on her husband with a married man. The sad fact is I learnt to be very careful and always take screen shots of anything she did or said as he would automatically assume I was making things up. I think he told himself she needed to be protected and wasn't capable of lying to him because she just wouldn't...(YAWN.)

    He always protected her. He always disrespected me. I also wanted him to send some final email but instead he just blocked her. I think that probably hurt her more...to just be dropped like that.

    My husband is proving incapable of showing remorse. I think we are probably staying together because wr have kids. If we didn't, I think it is highly unlikely we would still be here.

    If your husband doesn't show remorse, and keeps on lying to you it hurts xx

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails