The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
My story. I haven't wanted to share bc I did not want to document this nightmare. But this site has been my lifeline, esp in the earliest days, when I was drowning. I read these stories 100 times to keep my head above water. So with a grateful heart, here's mine. Hope it helps.My D-Day was May 25, 2015. 16 yrs married, 23 yrs together. My entire adult life. When we met I was obnoxiously funny, daring, and ambitious. Uncommonly successful in a male-dominated industry. By D-Day I had become June Cleaver. With OCD. And a cheap box of wine in the fridge.I found out by reading an email left open on my kids' computer. If I let myself, I can go right back to that moment, panic attack and all. I'm learning not to do that. I was blindsided. BLINDSIDED. We had the best marriage. Everyone said so. Ha.Two weeks of trickle truth and out-of-my-mind crazy. CRAZY. Violent, ugly, crazy. Then a month of hysterical bonding. Then a month of sleeping. And ever since a roller-coaster. Lots of praying, counseling, walking.My H had "inappropriate relationships" with 2 colleagues over 3 yrs. A secret life. Mostly sexting -- a LOT of sexting -- and fantasy. After work bar & car dates. Porn, misogyny -- some really ugly stuff. Flirting with everyone, anyone. Escalating. Had plans to meet at conference hotel (on our wedding anniv.) Was caught a few weeks before trip. Insists he wouldn't have gone thru with it, but marriage counselor and I are confident he would have. It would have required a lot of alcohol and would have been really pathetic and regrettable, but he would have.Here's where I am today. A. I've learned more abt my H in the last 10 months than in the previous 20+ yrs. I actually like him (when I don't hate him). He's a lot more thoughtful and vulnerable than I knew. And courageous. He could walk away from this reckoning. But he's been wholly present, 24/7, for the first time in his adult life it seems.B. Likewise for myself. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a bitch. A total power imbalance: you against you. I thought I had gotten it figured out yrs ago. Nope. It seems I have willingly -- eagerly even -- given away too much of my power over the yrs. To him, to worry, to nonsense. I guess I thought it was easier than trying to balance it. No more. Enough. I want my marriage to work, but I don't want to stay just bc I feel powerless to leave. His betrayal forced my hand. It turns out I have options. I am capable after all. That's my silver lining.C. I feel relatively safe. He dropped it all like a hot skanky potato. It was like he was relieved to be caught. Fully transparent. Totally humbled. Laser-focused on our family. Putting me and my needs first in every way. I'm not saying everything is roses. The rat bastard cheated on me. But he is proving that he deserves this 2nd chance. So do I.D. I'm never going to be that 20 yr old firecracker again. But I'm never going to be a tipsy June Cleaver again either. Some days I still feel like "F*ck it all -- I want to nurse my righteous anger and see him in Hell." But not really. I was made for beauty.Oh, this is hard. Thanks to all you beautiful women for being a virtual shoulder to cry on. Hugs.
SalThank you for sharing your story! I found myself walking through it with you as I remembered the path I've been stumbling down... Eeriest of feeling when you realize others know just how you feel when you can't even verbalize the feelings out loud as they roll upon you. I'm glad to see you have made it this far and sincerely hope you continue to make a better marriage! My shoulder is here anytime you need it!
Theresa -- your positivity is inspiring. Always lifts me up to read. I don't know how you do it but I love it -- thank you.
Oh wow, Sal, that is one helluva story. Made me laugh, made me cry. Thank-you for sharing it. And yes, Theresa, there's such strength in listening to each other. Thank-you for all you give to this site.
Thank you both! I had the positive reinforcement from my years of pre-school and spent my career teaching children and the adults in charge of the them, there is always a way to put a positive spin on anything! Some things just take a little longer to find those positives! Hugs!
I understand all that you all are going through. My story is not all that different I guess. It just has different levels of loss of trust and brokeness. Not sure how v or where to tell my story as this is b my first time writing. I just found you. April 18 2016 I found out. Please tell me how to engage in conversations. I feel deeply for all of you.
Anonymous July 3,So many of our stories sound familiar. Just post your story wherever feels right. You can scroll down to the bottom of this section and post there, or on one of the blog posts that resonates with you. I'm sorry that you need to be here...but so glad you found us.
Dear Elle, I just would like to share these thoughts because I feel like nobody had been listening to me.. Originally, I planned to post it on Facebook, but I was so afraid that my children will notice the pain I am going through. I don't want them to go through this feeling as well. I needed an output, and I found your club on google and thought might as well join in. Thanks.An open letter to my husband's "childhood friend"To you, his “Childhood Friend”, How I wish that the way you introduced yourself to me was true. But no, I cannot believe you. NEVER. Why? Because I was there when you had an affair with him. I was there when you left him without any valid reason. I was there when you came back to his life and slept with him for so many times, and I was there when you left him for another man. Yes, I was there all along – without you knowing it. I never knew our roads will come across again. After almost 18 years, I thought you were just a part of the past. But what the heck, here we go again. I would like to believe that your intention of getting in touch with him is only for loaning matters. But as I say, I will NEVER believe you. I may not be as smart as you but I can clearly smell your fishy intentions. First and foremost, the bank where he works is not the only bank that ever existed. Of all the banks that exist in your locality, you have chosen his bank for loaning purposes? Fishy, right? But okay, I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you are just so deceitful that no more other banks in your place can put a single trust in you. Yes, I knew about your pending case of FRAUD in our sister company. Because I was also there when you came before the manager begging for another chance to pay your past due loan account and for them not to pursue their legal actions against you. This world is so small just like that. Secondly, I knew you are in need of money. I saw the post on Facebook that said you are waiting for a warrant of arrest for violating the Anti-bouncing Check Law. But if you think you can get some of my husband’s hard-earned pay, sorry dear, I take charge of all his bank accounts. ATM cards, credit cards, passbooks, name it. They are all under my custody and they are all rightfully mine. Sorry for that! Thirdly, I have my sources that said you are just one good slut. And I have no reason whatsoever not to believe them. As a matter of fact, you have slept with him without your V-card with you. And then you married another man. I just wonder how many men have you slept with aside from your husband. I really don’t care anyway. But if I were you, I will cancel all my plans of getting so close with somebody’s husband again. Just in case you missed it, the word “DELICADEZA” does exist. So you better back-off.This is not a threat. This is more of a friendly advice. Because next time I catch you hanging around with him or getting in touch with him again, I will plot a better revenge for you – far better than this simple letter. Lastly, I would like to thank you for making these things to happen. It made my husband realize my worth. These have made it easier for me to ask for anything from him. Even if it means that he has to give-in nowadays to all my caprices. He was so afraid of losing me and his children. And I’ll forever be grateful for that! Disgustedly, THE LEGAL WIFEP.S. I did not mention any name in this letter so you won’t be able to use it in the future against me. But as they say, if the shoe fits, please feel free to WEAR IT.
Marren AguadaThat's the letter I wrote to the ow more than once but chose not to send it to her as we were already in a legal battle with her harrasment. Just writing my disgust with her out and telling her exactly what I thought of her and the cheapest sex she thought was so passionate! Very cathartic for my healing process to really kick in! Thanks for sharing your perception of how to put those pesky ow back in their place! The one time I did spit a text out at her from my h phone I simply said we're so tired of your drama now leave us alone! HIS WIFE! Just pissed her off and made her more determined to make our lives miserable! Never again will I let her have any power over me!
Thanks, Theresa.People like you really helps at this period of time!
My husband cheated with a woman who has been 'in love' with him for 30 years. She got married around the time he and I met and I thought she was out of the picture, but evidently she resurfaced several years ago. We had marital issues (both our fault) and he ended up in a 3 month affair this past summer, although he claims it was more emotional than physical and I am somewhat inclined to believe him. I found it gratifying to also write a letter to the 'skank'. I never sent it, but a blog posted it last week. It just felt good to say what I wanted to say even if no one saw it. I know it was his choice to cheat, HIS decision, HIS fault, but she was an active participant and I think she is the lowest piece of s**t there is.
Hi Ladies,Tonight is the one year anniversary of my d-day, and as my husband is away at a business dinner he cannot miss, I feel like I'm finally ready to sit down and share my story. Happily (I thought) married to my husband for 25 years, the PA was a year ago this past March. He was at a work conference; she was a co-worker from a different part of the country. They had met 4 weeks prior (at a company event) that I attended, and so did her spouse. She planted the seed of a possible affair in his head, after I left the event a little early to return to my hotel room. I'm a stay at home mom with two young adult children; she's a working professional (ten years younger than me) with two young children and her husband is a stay at home dad. Fast forward to the week after the event where they met the first time...My husband and I went on a wonderful vacation (or so I thought) and at the end, my daughter in college had a traumatic event and I needed to be with her. During this time, they began their EA (eventually turning into a PA), which lasted two months. Tonight marks the anniversary of the night where he gave me the "I love you, but I'm not "in love with you" speech. I was completely in shock (blindsided) and we went to a marriage counselor within two days. At the meeting, I asked him if there was someone else, he admitted it, but only to an EA. After the trickle truth came out over a three week period, there were two more months of his "fog" and not know if he was going to be with her or me. During this time, I found out his affair had been physical, and then that he had also had a PA with a co-worker 20 years ago when I was pregnant with our second child. I walked around in a daze this entire time, not eating, barely able to breathe, and not sleeping. We both got into IC as well as MC. I asked for a separation after I went to a consultation with a divorce lawyer. The consultation gave me the strength to separate, sending him to stay in our other home (2 hrs away.) After a week apart (and a subsequent breakdown on his end) I allowed him to come back. with specific boundaries. We decided to try to heal our marriage, he agreed to NC (even professionally) , to continue therapy, and we forged forward. My background is eerily similar to Elle's, in that my mother was an alcoholic, and I lost both my parents (two months apart) six years ago. I don't have any siblings, so I am truly alone in this world (except for my two grown children.) I was always "the good girl" growing up, in my marriage, volunteered endlessly, and devoted myself to my children. I'm slowly working with my IC to feel good about myself again, and finally feel that I am at a place where I truly believe that I am not to blame for this affair, and that he has been a broken man for a long, long time (unbeknownst to me, the entire time.) I always took his moodiness and anger to be a result of his high pressure job and his long work hours. Never in a million years did I think our marriage was at risk, or that he had the capacity to cheat. Here I am a year later, and I feel that we have turned a corner. I still obsess, but time is healing me tremendously, in addition to our continued therapy. He is doing all the right things, and our communication is really, really good. As I look toward the year after my d-day anniversary, I feel hope for myself, and for our marriage, which I never would have remotely imagined when I was experiencing the depths of my despair. I am so grateful to Elle for creating this life saving site (and all the inspiring ladies who comment here) as it has been my lifeline over the last year. I know for a fact I would have bailed out of my marriage before I ever had the chance to make the decision to stay or leave from a position of STRENGTH and not fear. Thank you all for giving me hope, during my darkest days.--Morgan
MorganLike you I found this blog and the other ladies have given me hope along the way as well! I felt so validated when I first realized that what I was feeling was normal in those gut wrenching early months! I have thanked Elle and everyone here for I feel just as strong as you that I never would have come this far without each and every story! I knew I was a strong woman but this brought me down to my knees and I am so slowly finding my old strength and I have days when I digress, but I find such hope when I hear stories of such progress in both self maturity and the ability to strive for a better marriage! Thank you for sharing your pain and your strength!
Morgan,I'm so glad you're among us. And that you're in a place where you the light outshines the darkness.
Thank you....thank you ALL. JUST BEGAN THERAPY after 6 months of knowing, feeling worse and worse and empty. One session of therapy gave ME hope to FEEL me....Reading this sight makes me feel NOT alone though I wish this on NO ONE. AFTER 20 YRS OF MARRIAGE, I don't want to be alone. Will I heal....will we heal. It's the time I need, time for ME to feel worth. Thank you. God bless
Thanks, Theresa. Your words mean a lot to me.-Morgan
Hi brave ladies, This sight has been so helpful. There is a lot of truth and tenderness in the vulnerable working out of issues together as a broken and detrayed couple. It has helped me to see the brave fight others in a similar position to me have been fighting.I came from a broken home, and married young to a guy I was head over heels in love with. I thought I was picking someone who would never hurt me or betray me. But unfortunately he had a sextet addiction that started in his teens.There were no warnings, I was so innocent. He was working for himself putting in a lot of late late nights to provide for our young family.I was isolated with our 1st child, I was young and lonely. He made it clear he didn't want a 'needy wife',I confronted him. He admitted porn addiction. We worked through thathe privately. Which is code for pretending it didn't happen. We had 2 more kids and had been married for 1 years when I saw a text message on his phone. I never looked on his phone, and he never left it unattended.He admitted having a lot of casual hook ups.I knew I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to destroy our children's lives.The past 5 years have been excruciatingly painful.For a little while he was understanding. But he was very controling and neither of us have got the help we need.Time is not healing the wounds in either of us. We are good friends and we do loved each other. It's been 5 years since I found out. I do feel stronger, and I have worked through a lot of my issues,I miss trusting him. I miss loving him. I want to tell him I have had enough. But I don't want to be responsible for breaking the father of my children.In the last 5 years I have become a stronger, better person. I have a career I am proud of and love my children and being a full on Mum to them. I work hard on my health and have made more effort with my appearance. I have learned that I am a social person and enjoy having fun. I feel a freedom in being myself. I just happen to be married to someone who is so broken they won't get help for themselves and it makes them break everything around them.My plan, with God's grace, is to love the unlovable husband I have until he is strong enough to get the help he needs. I hope once that happens, he will become someone I love to love.
Faith Rose,I completely understand your impulse to ensure that the father of your children isn't "broken". I promised my husband, when I learned of his sex addiction, that I would be his friend through this if he sought help -- and that promise was made largely because I knew it was best for my children to have a father who was as healthy as possible.But if he won't help himself, you might have just tethered yourself to a sinking ship. In fact, staying with him might be a big part of why he's refusing help. After all, he might say, I still have my marriage so what could be so wrong?I hope you'll sit down with a therapist and really work through your options. You deserve happiness. Now.
Faith rose, thank you for sharing your story. Yet another compassionate and lovely women to this site. I'm sorry for all the hurt your experiencing right, your h is a lucky man to have you. Your patience Along with 'gods grace' I believe will see you through this difficult time. I'm so pleased to hear you are taking care of you, it's so important. Keep in touch, thinking of you xxx
Hi everyone-- I found this site just a few days after my own d-day, April 13 of this year, and have been reading everything and anything I could find to try and figure out what in the world is happening. All these stories are so helpful, though I hate that this is so common! :(Well, I'm coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary, which would be around 23 years together. Until d-day I'd have said I had an exceptionally wonderful marriage! He was my best friend, constant companion, I enjoyed every minute we spent together. We went on a date every week and it was a real highlight, for both of us. We always laughed together. We never fought. We have two beautiful, kind, intelligent sons who are in their late teens now.But--and there's always a but, isn't there--he likes other women. A lot. Six years ago he got a new job in a position of authority, in a workplace with lots of young women. He began to change: lost weight, paid attention to his clothes, seemed distracted. There was an emotional affair I discovered when he was at a conference--I had a weird, gut feeling and opened his email account on the family computer. Found pics of this young woman, the use of the word "love," etc. It was the most devastating thing to happen to me up to that point.He was sorry, ever so sorry, she was crazy, they hadn't had sex he said, and after a while he stopped having feelings for her and life went back to normal. He continued to have lots of women friends, which I didn't like particularly but figured it was a small price to pay for such a fun, charismatic, handsome, loving husband. THEN, a couple months ago I noticed he was less affectionate. He also seemed distracted--lots of time going for walks, focused on his phone, longer hours at work. He took a trip that didn't make a lot of sense to me--only slightly job-related, and in fact missing some valuable work time. He left super-early in the morning and this more than anything freaked me out. I've been in therapy for major depression and mentioned to my therapist that I thought something weird was going on. She suggested I confront him.So-- the day he came home I asked him to go to one of our favorite spots for a talk. I was JUST about to ask him if there was someone else, when... he told me that there was someone else, he'd had sex with her (oh and a few others before that, too) and that he was in love and that he was pretty sure he wanted to be with her! She's 26--someone he'd known for a few years but who now lives a couple hours away--but a full 20 years younger than he is! WHAT??? She wants to marry him, wants him to convert to her religion, wants him to get his vasectomy reversed so they can have more kids!! (He got a vasectomy kind of against my will--I wanted a third child and he didn't.) And he thinks he wants to do it!
Part 2I have never been so shocked. Seriously: within the last few months I told my father that my marriage was wonderful, that we would be together forever, and I also told my sons that their father and I would never get divorced. I believed it! I didn't think either of us wanted it, ever. I pictured us living the rest of our lives in this house, enjoying grandchildren, our interests, each other.We went to marriage counseling 3 times after he came home from his trip: At the first, the therapist said my h had to cut off contact with the young lady, at the second my h said he had in fact cut her off, and at the third, and last, he said he'd changed his mind and wasn't sure he wanted to work on the marriage at all and was back in touch with her. So much for that! In a couple of days, he's going to visit the woman, and when he gets back from that trip he's going to start a "trial separation" in a sublet apartment downtown (we live in the country outside of town).I'm just----devastated. I don't want to live out here alone. It's a rambling old farmhouse, and I'm a freelance writer and don't earn much, especially the last few weeks! The only thing I can think to do is convert part of the house into an apartment or vacation rental to supplement our income. My plans for this conversion have kept me sane. Today, for example, I bought a second-hand mini-fridge, Keurig, and electric kettle. I started repainting the bathroom.Will my husband decide he doesn't want to be separated after all? If he wants to come back, will I be able to forgive him? His feelings for the other woman are one thing; harder to accept are all the things he told him that he hates about me. I don't know if the believes these things (for example, I "never want to watch movies with him") are true, or he just feels like he has to have good excuses for treating me as badly as he has. Has he really been as unhappy as he says he is? Why didn't I know?? I feel like he's someone I never really knew. The person I knew wouldn't do this to me, or to our sons, or even to our parents and our cats!I've never, ever felt so terrible. I basically want to die. I have responsibilities so I probably won't, but wow. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with my best friend... but now I have no idea what's going to happen. I'm just--- devastated.Anyway, thank you Elle and all you wonderful women for this site. It is my lifeline.xomaggie
Maggie I'm so sorry for the pain you feel and I can understand why you would feel so floored by his announcement that he was having the affair! When I first learned about my h affair, I was thrown into shock but the very next day had to go to a family function with his siblings and chose not to mention any of our problems to them. I felt like I was watching someone else going through the motions of happiness and when I survived that I had to get through the emotional roller coaster of the affair and my sister passed away so I then had to deal with my mother and I remember the pure hell of most of it but my day to day was so muddled. I can't imagine what you are going through with a spouse that is in the middle of his midlife crisis and is choosing his affair partner. If you have read some of the stories here you will find you are not alone in that your h chose to flee the relationship with you to fulfill his fantasy. It has to be the most heart breaking experience ever given how long you were together. The pain is so fresh for you and I can only say take care of your own needs and go see a lawyer to find out your financial responsibilities for the divorce if that's what you feel you are going to be doing. But take your time doing anything permanent. Once he visits her again he could change his mind but you will need to be prepared for his decision to be for his selfish needs. I'm so sorry I don't have a better way for you to get through this but I'm sure others here will step up with how they managed to get through the first few months! I'm praying for you to find your inner strength to find your next right step forward for you!
Maggie,I'm so sorry for what you're going through...but so glad you found us.Your husband sounds like he's having a clichéd middle-life crisis. Not much comfort to you, I know. He might pull his head out of his ass in time for you too to rebuild a marriage...or he might not. But the quickest way is to let him experience life without you. Let him start to feel the consequences of his choices. And, as best you can, plan for a life without him. Ensure that you're protected financially (I'm a freelancer writer too; tough times indeed!) and that he's not able to jeopardize what you're entitled to. And then, frankly, there's not much more you can do but wait until he discovers that the grass is rarely greener. Unfortunately by the time he figures that out, you might have figured out that your grass -- without him -- is quite lush and lovely.
Hi there !Exactly 9 days ago I received a message from a woman I've never met through Facebook. She said she thought we might have someone in common. She had gone on a date in LA with a tall dark frenchman called David. She later found out that "David" wasn't his real name, and with just a couple of clicks on social media, found me, his wife. She wrote she was extremely sorry that they had spend the night together, and that she normally never dated married men or in relationships. He had lied to her. Told her she was single.So there I was. Legs trembling on the bathroom floor not able to breathe. I've been married for 5 years, and have two children with my husband. Our youngest is just 5 months. Two months after he stood by my side holding my hand as I pressed a human out my body, he went on vacation to visit his friend in LA. He left me alone with a 17 month and 2 month old baby. Needless to say it was one of the hardest two weeks in my life.I confronted him with the message, but he kept lying saying that she was crazy, that she was in love with him, an angry for him refusing her. I then had to contact her back asking for prof. She send me their text message, and I read every single one of them. Every word felt like a knife in my heart.I went back with those, and still he couldn't say the words. He didn't have the courage to say "I cheated on you". I had to literally push him against a wall before he finally admitted that it was true.Ever since he is all tears. He does not not understand why he cheated. He talks about a flaw in his personality. He talks about losing his wife in the whole 2 under 2 adventure we both decided to go on. He says I wasn't sexual enough and he was tempted stupidly.One minute I'm trying to reason with my self. He is the father of my children, and they are both so young. I don't want us to break up our family. I don't want to not share all the precious moments with him.The next I'm looking into apartments and lawyers because I can't even look at him without throwing up a little. He left me alone with 2 babies to go on holiday. While I was up rocking crying babies, breastfeeding, running around like a crazy person to get everything done, he was out on a date and sleeping with another woman.I'm lost. I have no idea how this story will end. We are going to counseling, but Im not sure it will be any good. I look at him wondering what other lies he might be hiding. I don't think I can ever trust him again.This is horrible.
Anonymous,I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you found us. Your story is excruciating but it's also, sadly, pretty much like all of our stories. An idiot husband who didn't realize what he stood to lose. My advice to you, especially with young kids, is to give yourself time to get clear on what you really want. There's no prize for reacting quickly. I would see a lawyer to ensure that you're clear on what you're entitled to should you decide to leave (consider it your "exit plan") and then determine what you need from him in order to even consider giving him the chance to show you that he deserves a second chance. For starters, you might want to ask him for total transparency with any and all devices -- computer/phone/phone bills, etc. You might insist that he seek therapy to figure out why he was willing to risk everything for...nothing. You might insist that he play a larger role as a father. Spend more time with the kids, less time leaving you for "holiday". In other words, this is the time to renegotiate your marriage. His willingness to do that, his willingness to rebuild a marriage based on honesty and respect, will give you a ton of information about what you can expect going forward. You might find that the integrity with which he approaches taking responsibility for the pain he's caused will help you respect him again. Or you might find that he's got the character of a dung beetle. Either way, it's good info to have when you're deciding what's next.In the meantime, there's a ton of info on this site about getting through the short term. Betrayal is excruciating but you'll find you're stronger and braver than you imagined. You'll get through this. But it helps to have some friends to hold your hand along the way.
hi there, I know exactly how you feel I have a 2&1/2 year daughter and my husband had/is having an affair for over 2 years. He picked our daughter up one of the days and I was repulsed when I saw him kiss her. I just thought it was the most horrific feeling in the world and it's unimaginable. I will not trust my husband again. My situation is different he just left when I asked him to leave. Never asked for a second chance and we miscarried 3 months before D day. trying for a baby one minute and abandoning me the next. we are together 10 years married 4. The longer it goes on the more I realise I deserve more and my daughter deserves more. I too have an exit plan. it's a costly one though. I have not gotten any answers but my husband is wreckless, in the moment, couldn't care less about consequences, you win some you loose some attitude. no regard, no respect. He now blames me and my faults for everything and does the whole no contact thing(which is supposed to be my thing!)....the fact your husband has remorse and regret is something that is harder for you as you have a choice. I am happy the choice is taken from me in a way and I get a chance to see how unacceptable cheating is with a small baby at home. This is the toughest time of my life and I can't believe he has chosen to do this. I believe this is unforgivable and my life with him would now be miserable knowing his capabilities and his family values. How are you doing everyday?sleeping?eating?working?
Maggie, we have similar stories. If you want your husband "back" - my counselor recommended a book, "The Divorce Remedy." There are specific sections on infidelity and mid-life crisis often going hand-in-hand. As far as him saying what he doesn't like about you - that's in the book too. Even though it isn't conscious on their part - this is a way to justify their behavior. My husband was convinced our marriage was awful - he really thought that. I had to pull out cards and letters and texts that he had given me - it took time, plenty of time before he could see what he had with me/us. We were separated for six weeks - and struggled for 2 and a half months before that living together after he told me of the affair. He wanted to stay separated longer, yet he admitted he was in touch with OW. I said, I need you to come back home and work on the marriage- or I'mpursuing divorce- not an ultimatum- simply what I must have to survive. He came home, even though he later admitted he didn't know if he wanted to be here. He has struggled for a long time, getting over the OW, coming back to the marriage and responsibilities in general - it has been a year now since he moved back. It was extremely difficult for me - and still is at times, yet generally we are good. Even still, I am not in a place that I can say with definite certainty that we will remain together. And from all this - I know I will be fine, with or without him. I wish there were a mid-life ometer we could give potential spouses. And a betrayal meter ... 😊
Every man should have a betrayal-meter. Something that gives them a shock when they're even considering betraying us.
Oh.My. I have posted several times on this site, under Multiple Affairs. My husband and I have been making it through this day by day. He has been attending counseling every other week. I thought at least that would help. He's been more attentive and has made his phone/computer etc an open book to me. Right now, I'm sure he's not cheating again. It's been almost a year since I found out...but then with the trickle truth I found out about three other women over the course of several months. The last DD was in February, and I found out he had had sex with my previous boss (whom I still work with but now I am her peer). Fast forward.Last night my husband poured me a couple of drinks. I got really tired. We went to bed. We had sex. I remember flashbacks of portions of the night. This morning I woke up and realized I couldn't remember most of the night. I checked my xanax (which was prescribed to me to help me with the anxiety of the post affair wreckage) and discovered some missing. After a fight, my husband admitted to crushing some xanax and spiking my drink. He says it was because he knew I was upset that day (after spending the whole day in meetings with my former boss....his ex lover..but now my peer...who also btw doesn't know that I know.) and he wanted to make sure I was feeling ok. He claims he would never drug me for sex. I accused him of being Bill Cosby.I have prayed and prayed that God would send me a sign to let me know if staying was the right decision. I think this was my sign. I'm just so spent. I need support from you all to do what I know needs to be done.
Mom of 4,That is absolutely unconscionable. Regardless of his motives (which you'll never really know), nobody should EVER spike someone's drink. EVER. What he did was likely criminal but certainly unethical. It shows an utter disregard and disrespect for you and your feelings. It shows that he thinks HIS choices for you are more important than YOUR choices for you.
Hey guys my name is Brandi..I'm not really sure where to start but I'm in extreme pain behind my husband's affair. We have been together 21 years 15 years married. I really don't trust alot of people but I thought if I had anybody and if I could trust anybody it would be him. How wrong I was. I am broken in so many pieces I am not sure which is up and which is down. I am desperately trying to hold it together for our 3 children but not sure I'm doing such a good job. I just found out April 8the and I know so much about this affair it's not a good thing. So basically have been dealing with this for 2 months now. I put my husband out of the house I couldn't stand know why is was coming home late every night. He never admitted anything. I found out everything on my own. At first he wanted to work on the marriage and then he didn't. He said he wanted to do whatever it took but then he didnt. He is not fighting at all. He has completely given up. He is not really taking care of his responsibility with his children either. I am making the kids spend every other weekend with him at his parents house where is he back living. He seems so comfortable leaving his whole family behind its crazy. I don't know this man at all. He is a different person. It doesn't even seem to bother him that he left us all in the dust. Sometimes he acts like he cares if he thinks I am going out with someone then he askes me a million questions and it feels good those little moments of jealousy but it doesn't last. He is completely involved with the OW. I am trying to pray for the restoration of my marriage but I am just not sure if I am wasting my time. I didn't deserve this and I deserve better then this. I have been through so much with this man and I was holding him down when no one else was and for him to hurt me like this I can't even grasp it. How could someone whole told me I was his everything now seems to hate me so much and walk away like 21 years never even mattered. I'm just so hurt I am not sure when this kind of pain will go away. I desperately need some relief from it.I am praying all day and night but God doesn't seem to be answering me right now. Just hurt
Brandi,I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. This is hell but please know you'll get through it.Right now, you can't rebuild a marriage with a partner who's emotionally invested in someone else. You need to move ahead with a separation to ensure that you're entitled to your fair share financially and to ensure that there's a fair custody/visitation schedule for the kids. I've no doubt this is frightening for them too.As hard as it is, Brandi, you need to create some sort of stability for them. And you need to make it clear to your husband that his behaviour is harmful for any future chance to reconciliation (though if he ever decides that's what he wants, you might have decided to move on). Get a separation agreement in place.And then...let yourself grieve. Take this time to heal some of those old wounds (there are reasons, I'm sure, for why you don't trust many people). The silver lining in all this pain just might be that you give yourself the time and attention and counselling to truly heal yourself so that, when the time comes, you're able to be in a healthy committed relationship. I know how much pain you're in, Brandi. We've all been there and it's excruciating. But you need to know you'll get through this. Trust in your own strength. Know that you are brave enough to get through this. Help your kids feel safe and secure with you. You'll get there, I promise.
I just found out my husband had sex with a woman who I thought to be my friend...four years ago. My hubby and I hit a really rough patch in our marriage when I got pregnant with our second daughter. I was very ill and on bedrest for much of the pregnancy. My husband was drinking out of control, and the man that I have loved for ten years became someone I hardly recognized. He slept with a "friend" of mine, in or home...when I WAS SLEEPING IN BED JUST A FEW ROOMS AWAY. The thing is. I didn't find it out to be true until just a couple days ago. For years of happy marriage has passed. We got back on track, and things have been pretty perfect between us. No fighting. Amazing sex. Working as a team. And he has stepped up big time when last year I was diagnosed with MS and was in a wheelchair for six months. He did everything for me and our girls, and we have been a strong unit. But this news is obviously still really upsetting. It happened so long ago that I don't k ow if I have a reason to be mad still. We had a lot of issues then. He was drinking and not able to make good decisions. She took advantage of his vulnerable state and stabbed me in the back. But I just feel like because of this I can't get closure. We are doing so well, and the thought that he was ever with another woman makes me sick. Did he make love to her like he does to me? An why for four years did he not tell me. He denied it everytime I asked if the rumors were true and I wanted to believe him because I love him so incredibly much. But my heart hurts and it seems pretty unforgivable. I just need him to know how broken I am without bringing up old drama, buy he's already spent the last for years fixing me. I just don't know what to do. It also makes me wonder if we hit another snag in our marriage will he run of and sleep with someone else? He had never cheat before. I am so lost and confused. I love him and don't even want us to be apart but the news has really thrown me for a loop. Thanks for listening ladies.
Not knowing how to deal with this right now. A few years ago, my husband and I ell into a really dark place. We've been together for ten years. I love him so fully and completely, but somehow we just got lost. I became pregnant with our second daughter and it was a rather difficult pregnancy. A friend of mine came over a lot to help out with my other daughter since I was ill and on bedrest. During this time, my husband was spiraling out of control right in front of me, but I didn't see it. Or mqybe didn't want to see it. He needed me, but I was dealing with a lot and I needed him just as much. Well, he started to seek his needs out elsewhere, after heavily drinking. Most of the girls he tried were my friends which made it worse, but they said no and told me right away and I called him out on it. I heard rumors, but I love this man and I didn't want to believe that he would cheat on his pregnant wife. Cut to four years later..now. Two days ago. The truth finally comes out. We're in an amazing place now. Worked through our issues and are more in love now than when we first got together. Rarely fight. Love hanging out together. Affectionate and attentive to eachieve others needs. But four years into this happiness..I found out he did in fact have sex with one of my so called friends. The woman who came to help with my daughter while I was on bedrest SLEPT with my husband in OUR HOME while I was sleeping.But it happened so long ago and we are so unbelievably happy right now. I am upset, but he's been really showing me he's last four years that I am his priority, our daughters are his main focus, and we are soul mates. He has taken care of me when I was diagnosed with MS. He has really been the perfect husband. But that doesn't stop my heart from hurting. Or seeing the two of them together in my mind. It's eating me alive. I don't want to ruin pur happiness. But I just can't let it go. I was pregnant. And she was my friend. Or so I thought. I go from fuming mad, to hysterical, to grateful for how far we've come but I can't handle the roller-coaster much longer. I don't know how I can forgive him for this, but I don't love him any less. Just the thought of him being with someone else sickens me. And I don't talk with this girl for anther falling to reason..I just don't have closure. Thanks for listening ladies.
India,As many on this site will attest, it's possible for men who've betrayed their wives to learn from it and find ways to ensure they never do it again. That said, the trauma to you can't be understated. It's horrible. Even with the years of happiness you've enjoyed and the support he's shown you, it reveals that he's capable of deception and betrayal, and that's frightening.It sounds as if you've got a solid foundation on which to discuss what happened, why it happened and what he's done in the intervening years to "fix" himself. What has he learned from this? What are his plans should you find your marriage on shaky ground again? How can you both use this experience to re-commit and discover more about yourselves as a couple.India, betrayal is excruciating but it can be a springboard to a richer relationship if you can both allow yourselves to be honest and vulnerable and forgiving. I think "closure" is something of a myth. I think we come to a place of acceptance that we can't unring a bell and we find ways to be okay with that, whether with our partners or moving on without them.
Brandi I'm so sorry for all your going through. Elle's right you gotta take care of you now. Keep posting here it will help you, it did me daily. Give yourself some time to lose yourself in whatever you can music, exercise, massage, friends, anything that will take your mind away from this living nightmare, you need a break from it!!! You are worth it, you always have been. Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on xxx
I just discovered your blog, Elle, and haven't been able to stop reading. Already, it is helping me deal with so much.My husband and I just had our 4th anniversary, together for 8 years total. We're 30, but don't have any children yet. Last Christmas, he was excited how next Christmas I'll probably be pregnant. He confessed to me yesterday night that he has not been faithful. He travels for work about 60-70% of the time, and was gone for a few days between Christmas and New Years. He found a girl on Tinder--"just looking for sex," he said. But she didn't want to give it up right away. So they just went out for dinner. He kissed her good night. Another time when he was in a neighboring city, she took the train to him and stayed in his hotel room. There was another overnight hotel room stay a few months later. A total of 6 days scattered over 5 months.The time she took the train to see him, she met him in his hotel room maybe 5 hours after he kissed me goodbye. Two days later, I flew into town to spend the rest of the trip with him. I found make-up covered towels on the floor in the hotel room. He said that some of his other traveling co-workers had been in his hotel room last night, and one girl wanted to take a shower. He said "it was weird, we all made fun of her for it." I thought that was bizarre, called him out on it, but he was so insistent (and defensive) that it was true, I let it go eventually. He even offered to have his workers (some of which I know) vouch for him, but I didn't take him up on the offer. It had been her there all along. She left maybe 12 hours before I arrived. He told me he didn't sleep with her that time. I'm not sure if I believe it. Or if he's using the teenage definition of "sex" to mean pure vag-penis penetration.Yesterday he told me that three weeks ago he slept with her. It was the only time. I felt that things were a bit off, but really had no idea. I was blindsided. He tells me he feels horrible. That he is sorry. That he is 100% at fault. That he will do anything to fix things. To never have it happen again. It took this for him to realize our marriage is #1 for him. We stayed up to 5am yesterday talking. I slept for 2 hours, but can't sleep anymore.He came clean because this girl found out he is married. He has no idea how. She texted him yesterday to say "you need to call me." That's when she told him that she knew. I guess she was pretty upset--she thought they were in the beginning of a relationship (sounds like they were!). She was going to try to contact me. My husband says he begged her not to tell me. He would tell me himself. He says he cut off contact with her. He told me that if she ever does contact me, I'll probably hear some things that I don't like. He said he "told her what she wanted to hear," which is why she thought they were in a relationship. He told me he also told her anything he thought may make her not contact me--including that we spent Christmas apart, that I don't want children, that we are already separated.None of that is true. We had a lovely Christmas. While I am scared to have kids, we will have them. And we are NOT separated--I didn't even realize we had problems of this magnitude! We had just gotten back from a lovely European vacation together, when we dreamed of the future and planed our return trips. 10 days after we got back, he slept with her. He says there was minimal contact for Feb, March, and most of April. But she reached out to him in April, they chatted. Agreed to visit her when he returned to her city for business in May. And well, the rest is history.I feel crushed, broken. The same words every other woman feels. I don't know what the right thing is to do. I want to fix things--but we don't have children to fight for. He says he promises it will be worth it. I've never seen him cry before, and he was sobbing, telling me how sorry he is. I wish I could go back to the way things were 27 hours ago.
Oh Anonymous, I'm so so sorry. That wish to just go back in time and have a life that hasn't had a nuclear bomb go off in the middle of it is powerful. I remember it well.But...the bomb has gone off. So now the question is, what next? One of the big things I encourage (that is counter-intuitive to what our culture pushes) is to give yourself time to really absorb this new reality and to figure out what you want. You don't need to decide right now whether you want your marriage or not. You can take time.And you can use that time to take care of yourself while you digest all this. To get counselling support while you work through the incredible feelings of pain and grief and loss. To see just how committed your husband is to actually creating change in himself -- to see how supportive he can be when you need to talk about this for the zillionth time or need him to seek therapy to figure out why the hell he blew up a great relationship for someone who clearly meant nothing. Until he has insight into the why, there's not much guarantee that he won't go down that path again.So...time. Be gentle with yourself. Focus on what you need to heal. And trust that, no matter what you ultimately choose to do, you're going to be okay.
This is Brandi again...thank you guys for your words of wisdom. I am doing my best to move past this but I just can't get past this pain. It's like something is sitting on my chest and won't let up. I have don't so much for this man and I have been there through everything he ever went through and I just can't believe that he could betray me like this. That's so.ething hard to get over. I never gave up on him when I could have because of everything.How could it be so easy for him to walk away from me like we never had anything. It just seems like he doesn't have a care in the world and I'm here devastated how does someone do that. I'm in so much pain. It's too much.
Brandi,Of course you're devastated. Your heart is broken. Your trust was betrayed. Your kindness and love was repaid with cruelty and heartlessness. This is going to take a lot of time for you to heal. But that doesn't mean you won't heal. You will. But you're going to need to be patient and to do some heavy lifting.If you don't already have a counsellor, I hope you'll get one. You need the support of someone who can keep you focussed on your healing and not let you slip into the paralyzing place of agonizing about why he would do this, what's wrong with me, etc etc. He cheated on you and, at this point, doesn't seem interested in rebuilding a marriage. Maybe he cheated because he's an idiot. Maybe he cheated because he needs the steady stream of ego-strokes in order to feel like a man. Whatever the reason, he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you...he cheated because there's something wrong with HIM. And you can't fix him. But you can tend to yourself.
BrandiI remember that excruciating pain that makes it so hard to breathe! My h and I were having the best of times in our marriage when his ow dropped the truth bombs in my lap! It literally took me months to get past that feeling because I was also grieving for my older sister and first buff! My h begged me not to let her continued refusal to leave us alone to continue to come between us but she continued for six months before he had charges brought against her. She broke the no contact order twice in the last year and was ordered a little more strongly by the judge to leave us alone for a year with charges pending and jail time if she breaks the order. Now you would think that I would have moved on past some of the petty stuff such as I'm not good enough or he wouldn't have done that in the first place but I did finally understand that he was the broken one and the experience broke him up to the realization that he was going to loose me if certain things in our marriage didn't change! My h affair ended in May of 2014 but her last contact attempt was in March of this year so for me it's been a delay dealing with my pain and actually seeing all the changes for the better my h has made in himself. He had to say the same answers every time I asked the same questions for almost a year and he has endured some pretty nasty fits of anger and still he begs my forgiveness and says he will never forget how bad he hurt me/us and that alone has changed how he looks at all women now. I hope knowing you are not the only one that struggles and gets stuck in bad places along the path to healing helps you in a small way. Take time taking care of you first and then you can see what you need for the future! Hugs!
April 25th, 2016...a date of honesty...I hope. I had experienced 14 months of knowing something was wrong. I was begging him to come home at night. Our 8 and 12 year old started asking is dad coming home? I pushed and shoved and he drank.I was yelled at, ignored, pushed away via multiple ways, and honestly was jealous of the attention and affection he gave our daughter at times. I had asked what was going on - the answer was always "stress" we own businesses and I knew there was stress and I was trying to help every way I knew how.He never wanted to be around, was suddenly shopping more, cared about stuff he never cared about before...you know the drill.Finally on a vacation I walked in with him on the phone...he ran away(deleted his phone) and came back and we had a "heart to heart" which was actually a "my heart to a liar's heart" and I knew something was wrong. A month later I finally figured out how to "catch" him. Called him that morning and he finally admitted to a 14 mth affair. 8 months of Emotional cheating and texting and 7 months of a physical affair with the Hag from Hell. I don't know her but she lives about 2 miles from me. They met at a bar. She fed his EGO and was the encourager type. He didn't fight it and knew from the beginning he had shame...never put her number in his phone.He broke things off with her right away and she left us alone but that made more sense after I learned from a friend who had a mutual friend. This is the Hag from Hell's 4th affair in 5 years. We are in counseling but I feel so hopeless at times. She had "rules" and controlled him. Was that part of the attraction? Who knows?He's trying and says the glitter of the fantasy is completely gone. He hasn't told anyone about the affair except the doctor who gave him his STD test and the marriage counselor. He says the shame is horrible. I'm trying to ask questions without shaming but he says just looking at that year is full of shame. I'm in individual counseling as I came to realize that I need to know who I am now...I feel like besides being his wife and my kid's mom I'm lost.During his affair I had had a major knee surgery and this was during the pinnacle of his asshole-ness. I had gained a ton of weight and felt horrible about myself. Now due to the f'ing affair diet I've lost 30lbs in these 6 weeks. Running(which I hated in my last life) is one of the few things that gets me out of my head. Luckily my Physical Therapist cleared me for running about the same time this all happened. One of the Hag from Hell's rules was no sex with spouses - so I've had sex twice in the last year. Both times with in days of D-day. Now he says he feels too shamed to try. He wants to take time and is asking me to be patient. Marriage counseling and his individual counseling seem painfully slow to me. Is that normal? I put up some boundaries that help but God I hurt...He wants us to work but his emotions are so frozen.
Neslon,The story is so familiar. We've all been there, including the frozen emotions. You hit on such an important piece of this. You need to figure out who you are. Somewhere in all the pain (and the stress of having to parent children without a partner because he was emotionally/physically absent), you lost yourself. This is your chance to find yourself again. Give him the time he needs because YOU need time yourself. Counselling will sometimes feel incredibly slow and then, once in a while, there will be a eureka! moment that puts so much into place. Be patient.And be patient with yourself. Excavate your feelings because beneath the frozen-ness is a shitload of pain. You can handle it. You're incredibly strong. And within that pain too is where you'll figure out who you are and what you want going forward.
NelsonI'm just sending you hugs because I know just where you are and I so hate it for you!
I bought into the FairyTale. Should have known better. Married 19 years. I love (loved) our story. He was my first date, first kiss. I dated others, but it always came back to him. He is the only man I’ve ever been with. I'm still in love with him. Not sure when my dday is. Which time? How many? Emotional affairs count, right? I’m an ostrich, bury my head in sand and don’t keep track. Sad thing is, that saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater” might fit. And I always knew. He moved back to town in college. Why? He was fired for sleeping with a married coworker. I didn’t think I could change him, he seemed changed. He was the reformed bad boy, I was the good girl. Naive. My downfall. He joined the military. Hindsight tells me he has always been insecure, and so, he picked me because I was stable, predictable, trustworthy, and fully capable of being the military wife. Fastforward, 2 kids, no military, less money. Now I’m “boring and settled.” He is still insecure & never tells me what he’s feeling. Begin the emotional affairs - about 7 years in. More than emotional? Maybe. He is witty, handsome and seriously charming. Charisma, wow, and a very good liar. He is adamant about privacy (I wonder why). I never had proof. Of course, was I to voice my worries, I was Psycho. I’ve had 2 angry husbands find me and tell me he’s had something going on with their wives. He swears it was just flirting. I believed him then, but… He refuses counseling. We try to work it out, roller coaster. Years. Last summer, suspicion, anxiety. He tells me I’m Psycho, get counseling. So I do. I so believe him that I convince the psychologist he’s not with anyone else. Then, I get a call to tell me he’s broken up with his girlfriend and thought I deserved the truth. Stunned, floored, crushed. He says he’ll move out, but I talk him out of it. He’s hurting, suffering depression. He agrees to go with me to counseling a couple of times, gets angry. Tells me it’s too expensive so we both quit. (Not before the Dr. warns me that he has shown no remorse) Says he wants to separate to find himself - so we start looking for places. I don’t fight him. I’m broken, but I continue to be a good wife. I tell him I’m not going to practice being separated while we are still living together. Suddenly we are getting along. He changes his mind. Roller coaster. Now, here I am. He doesn’t know that I know he’s cheating again.I found out by accident. He would consider it snooping. I glanced at a text and saw the words “Love you.” I felt like I’d been stabbed. I’m not proud of it, now I have snooped. It’s the same girl, phone records. I’m more aware of his behavior now. 10 hours at the sports bar, really? Mysterious key in his lunchbox. Viagra in his car. A bill from a jewelry store. The internet is a wonder. I know her name, birthday (12 years younger), address, and she’s married. I haven’t put a tracking device in his car yet. I think he thinks he is in love with her, and that kills me. I’m choking on it. I don’t know what to do with this. I can’t accuse him, he has a way of making things my fault. It has to be him that digs the hole. I love him. I want us to work it out. He isn’t a jerk. He’s a good father. He takes care of us. He doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore, but I know he cares in some ways. Neither of us can afford to be separated. We are so financially entangled. I admit I have encouraged him to spend more than he should, so he couldn’t leave.Both of us pretending, sometimes. We still talk, call, text. The kids don’t know, but are getting old enough to register bulls**t. When Daddy says no, you can’t ride in the car with me because I have to stop and get gas...huh? Mom knows that means he is calling her. I hope they break up. I want her to be gone forever. I hope he can see I am the better choice. I want to win. I hate thinking about being alone for the rest of my life, because I really really don’t ever want to do this again. I don’t want this legacy for my kids. I want to stop crying every time I am alone. Pick me, choose me, love me.
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Sorry that he can't see what he has right in front of him.I want you to carry on with counselling on your own. I want you to learn the skills to begin standing up for yourself and staking out clear boundaries around what you will and will NOT tolerate. Whether he stays or go (or whether you want him to stay or go), please know that you are so much stronger than you realize. HE is the weak one. HE is the one relying on women -- any women -- to make him feel special. He's so empty, it doesn't even matter who it is. Love? He hasn't a clue. But you? You are loyal and hard-working and loving. YOU are the catch, not him. But you need to know this so that when he starts with his counter-moves (you're crazy, you're jealous, you invaded my privacy, blah blah bullshit blah), you see it for what it is: attempts to shut you up and shut you down. Self-preservation. Stand your ground. You are his wife. He made promises to you. You are raising his children and you are worthy of respect and kindness. Begin by giving it to yourself -- respect and kindness. Begin by learning how to love yourself enough to refuse to be disrespected. Pick yourself, choose yourself, love yourself. He's incapable of it. Begin now.
Every story on here is sad, mine included. But the way you put it....Pick me, choose me, love me. Just drove a dagger into my heart. I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks. I have no idea who you are, but I want to hug you and let you sob until you have nothing left.Like Elle said, Pick yourself. Choose yourself. Love yourself. He. is. not. doing. any. of. these. You Deserve better. Your children deserve better. During my journey, I've read quite a few books....pick up a copy of "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's a good read. I too have endured multiple affairs. 5 That I'm able to confirm with absolute proof. It is a long and difficult journey to repair such damage. Possible, yes. But not alone. If he is still with other women, you alone cannot repair your relationship. Standing up for yourself, telling him that he is only welcome in your life once "she" is out of the picture might give him the perspective he needs to make the decision that you long for. I know you don't think you can raise two kids alone....because I have that same thought about my kids all the time. But just from your post, I can tell how strong you are. Whatever path you choose, you are a strong and wonderful woman. He is lucky to have you. It's not the other way around. HE is lucky to have YOU. remember that. You ARE ENOUGH.
We've been together for over 13 years. When we met I was very vulnerable. My first husband used to beat me up. Cue Jack who became the first and only man I've ever wanted to have kids with. I found out I have endometriosis and pcos. We went down the ivf route. All 3 ivf attempts failed. It killed our sex life. After our 3rd ivf attempt we split up for a year. An ex colleague and i got close. He told his wife he wants to leave. She threatened to take the kids back to her home country and that he would never see his daughters again. She called Jon's mother who had a heart attack and landed in hospital. So he stayed.Jack eventually came back. I told him about the time I spent with Jon. He didn't work at our marriage and the things that were wrong because he felt he had done his share by getting back into our home.I found out 6 weeks ago he was having an affair that lasted 1 year and 11 days. He only told me about the affair cos his mistress is dead.Cassie was a transgender. Born a man, who wanted to transition to a woman but was still in the process. This mean Cassie still had a d#ck and no breasts. Essentially my husband was sucking c#ck. Cassie died from a drugs overdose. I discovered he had another life on fb where all his friends believed I was this crazy, psycho, ex-wife b#tch......these are their words, not mine. He told them we were divorced. I was made into this proper cruella de vil.I was humiliated when I read all that.I started seeing a psychologist months ago because he kept on telling me that all the problems in our marriage was because of me.We've kept the lines of communication open. That was a bad idea. On Friday night I had a suspicion he was still lying. So I reactivated my fb account. Did some checking. He has another fb account. So he can keep in touch with her friends.He claims he loved the transgender.I'm confused about what this person was. But I've seen the lies he spun. I've seen whatsapp messages. The weekends he spent with me, he would tell the whore he has to go to another office. I also discovered he used to buy the whore food and lingerie. In all our years together he never bought me lingerie. I've seen pictures of their time together. There is even a picture of the whore near our home. I also discovered he went to the whore's funeral. The night of the funeral he came to our home drunk. He said he hadn't been to the funeral because of me. Because I sent the whore a text message when I found out about the affair. One the text I said....I'm so f#cking glad you are dead. Messing around with a married man and spoiling my life in the process." He said the whore's parents would have read the message and that he was too embarrassed to go to the funeral. That I had denied him his last chance to say goodbye to this person he had fallen in love with. Yes he said I'm no longer his soulmate. He loves me but is not in love with me. I suppose the question for him is how can yup say you are in love with someone when you couldn't be honest with them and say you are still seeing your wife. This is too much to bear. He hit rock bottom yesterday and I asked him to go back to his house. I can't bear to look at him at the moment. Although I love him I might have to face the possibility that's it over and I move forward in my life without this man whom I had build a home with. I wonder about his sexuality. Is he gay? Is he bi? He insists he isn't attracted to men. But he sucked c#ck. Would a straight man do that? I'm so confused. It would somehow be easier if he is gay....
I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion that you're in. It sounds like both of you have a boat-load of heartache to work through.I think, right now, each of you should be working through your issues on your own. Once you begin to feel as though you're getting to the root of your unhealthy relationship, you might consider seeing where you both are emotionally and whether you want to try again.But for now...there's so much betrayal and so much confusion. Whether he's gay or bi is really for him to figure out. I don't know how you can know until he explores his sexuality further with a therapist.
Anon June 18..... I'm so sorry your h is continuing to treat you in this way, the reason he continues to do this is because he gets away with it every time.. There are no clear consequences to his behaviour. .. You need space, he needs to go, where he goes is not your problem, you cannot worry about him anymore, concentrate fully on you and your children... Once he is out of the house you will start to feel better each day (trust me) I speak from experience.. You will feel in control of your life, and that feeling is the best.. Figure out what it is you need to heal maybe some counselling ( is there any free counselling available) support from a trusted friend, time to yourself to journal whatever it is that makes you feel like you again.. . The only contact you need to have with your h is to arrange childcare..if he is the good father you describe he will do everything he can to continue contact with his children.. This will be difficult to do initially but please believe me it does get easier.. This man is controlling the situation and you must take thst control back... .. Keep posting here and remember we're here for you .., big big hugs xxx
After the feeling of being punched in the gut, of being blindsided, of realizing that the past 30 years were a lie, came the excuses, the justifications, and more excuses. After talking to other betrayed wives, I realized the excuses were almost always the same. The following post from the "Better After 50" newsletter describes the Top Ten Excuses of Cheating Men Who Get Caught. Did they all get the same memo? http://betterafter50.com/?s=top+ten+excuses+of+cheating+men. Now, recovered and happy after 5 years, I can almost laugh ruefully at the cliche of it all.
I swear there's a playbook for cheaters. We have to laugh right?
My partner and I have been together for 5 years now, we got together when we were quite young (20) and he is my first serious relationship. He's always had issues with drinking and has been seeing a councillor and taking medications for it with varying degrees of success. For the last 3 years he's been saying "let's get married, have children" etc etc etc but my answer is always that yes when he sorts his drinking out we can do those things. His drinking has caused many many problems for our relationship in the form of flirtation with other women, arrests, DUI, bans from bars but I have stood by him and supported him throughout this. Last week he went out to the pub with some mates and returned home to me saying he loved me and wanted to get married (drunken ramblings). I hate doing it but I saw on his Facebook page he had messaged a girl he'd met that night and tried to get friendly with. She replied that he needs to back off and her and her boyfriend both told him that night. So he apologised and deleted the message before he thought I would see it. Fast forward 2 days I need to help my sister move house so I'm away for a night. He tells me he's going to a feature night at the pub with his friend which I say cool. The next day I return home and see lots and lots of empty beer cans and a used condom in the rubbish, when i confront him about he denies it, saying he masturbayed into it. I do a bit of "research" and find out he's taken home a girl we both know and have hung out with a few times- he sold her a car. She is younger (20) and thin and attractive. When I confront him about this he says its because we weren't having sex on a regular enough basis for him. The crazy thing is that I hate them both for it but I do still love him and don't think I'm ready to end it yet. I feel that it's his drinking that has driven this as he would never even consider this while sober! So I've told him I'm willing to forgive everything if he can sober up. I feel like a doormat but I can't imagine life without him, we are best friends and get along so well (without the drinking issues). He says he feels terrible about what he's done but I know he has cheated on previous partners too. I'm so stuck. I want to forgive him and move on with our lives together but I also don't want to be walked all over. I don't think he would do it again but I couldn't be 100% sure.
Anonymous,Sweetie, is this really what you want for yourself? You're so young. He's your first serious relationship. I stayed in a relationship like that for 7 years. I just didn't think I could breathe without him in my life. He drank too much, he cheated on me. Finally, he got another woman pregnant and asked me to marry him and consider adopting the child. It was -- finally!! -- too much. Well almost too much. I admit I considered it. In hindsight, I was just too scared of life without him. Life with him might have lots of heartache but in some way, it seems preferable to life without him. I'm curious about your family. At some point, you got the message that you didn't deserve better than some guy who drinks too much, cheats on you, lies about cheating on you, then makes it your fault he cheated on you.While the drinking might be part of the problem, it's not the whole problem. He certainly didn't sober up, come to you full of remorse and regret and shame and beg your forgiveness. No, he lied, then made it your fault. That's him sober. Sweetie, please get yourself out of this. He's given you MORE than enough reasons to walk away. It will hurt like hell. You will wonder if your heart will survive such pain. You will wonder how you can get up in the morning with such heartbreak. But, if you keep walking, the day will come when your eyes will open wide and you'll realize life doesn't feel so...heavy. That you don't have a knot in your stomach every time he goes out with his buddies. That you don't have to check his Facebook because, well, because he's out cheating on someone else who's NOT you. That you're happy and free and able to focus on getting to know yourself and understand yourself and figure out what YOU want in life.I hope you'll walk, Anonymous. I hope you'll walk into a future free of someone who doesn't love himself enough to be able to love anyone else. I hope he gets his act together but I wouldn't hold my breath. Mostly I hope you'll imagine someday having a little girl that you love and knowing that you'd tell her exactly what I'm telling you. Walk away. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve so much better than this. He's no "friend". Friend's don't do that to each other. And Anonymous? He will do this again. I'm 100% sure.
Let me get this straight 1. He has a drinking problem 2. Arrested 3. DUI 4. Flirts with other women 5. Empty Condoms in the trash (was he afraid of getting himself pregnant?) 6. He is complaining about the sex frequency 7. You feel like a door mat 8. He tries to hook up with women on FB, pubs, his home. 9. He cheated previously. He sounds like a real catch. You are blaming it all on his drinking. Are you hoping he will turn into the man you want him to be but he is not that man? You can't see the man he is? Why are you settling for less? Think about running to therapy as fast as you can to figure out why you would settle for a man with these behaviors.
I know this is for wives only, but the man that I feel like I am with is basically my husband and I feel like I am his wife. I'm not too sure where else to go or who to ask and I feel like I just really need some help.We've been together for 1 year and 7 months. When we first met, he made (still does) me feel so different. We had a connection almost immediately. Everything was amazing for the first three months. In this relationship currently, I love him so much. 3 months into the relationship his parents were deployed to South Korea and he left with them. It wasn't the easisest thing. The time difference was hard and trying to synch up our schedules as well was hard too. Soon we start arguing about little, stupid things and then soon big things as well. Not only was he having relationship problems with me, he was also suffering from problems at school and at home with his family. Things had gotten so bad to the point where he tried running away from home to come back to the States and also tried to commit suicide. Eventually it got to the point where it honestly felt like it would be done and over with. Well, when the relationship felt like it was basically done and over with he met this other girl. He says he had no feelings for her whatsoever and his grandparents have talked to him about it and they confirm that this is true because he told them the same thing. Well, one thing lead to another with her and they ended up having sex 4 times. He lost his virginity to the girl as well. The beginning of the year, he moved back to the state that we live in to live with his grandparents and to get his mind right. When he came back he had a long talk to his grandfather about what had happened and his grandfather has told me that he was truly messed up coming back from South Korea. He had spent a few weeks with him trying to get his mind right from all the trauma that happened. He tried hiding the truth from me, which made him lie more than 5 times because he wanted to protect me and didn't want to crush me. His grandparents also confirmed that was the truth as well. After me finding out around 2 days ago, things have just been crazy. We've both been crying on the phone and trying to figure out what would be the best thing to do. He's came back saying he's better now and he's going to get right with God. He feels so bad and he hates looking at himself in the mirror everday knowing what he had done was wrong. He's also trying to change himself for the better and has been great these last couple of months. He's not the same person who he was in South Korea and I can see that with my own eyes. He always lets me know what he's doing or where he is going. I've met several of his friends because he wants me to know and introduces me. He's also always talking about me to someone so the problem won't happen again. His grandmother even came to me personally and has told me that he eats, sleeps, and breaths me. Every decision that he makes, he makes it with me in mind. She's also said that she believes that I am the only stable thing in his life that he has ever had because he has been around abuse by stepfathers and have seen his mother and step father go through problems but at the end of the day she also says that she will not make any excuse for his actions. I always had a gut feeling that there was more to the story and that was why I could never let it go. Now that I know the whole truth, I feel much better now but it doesn't change the fact of what happened. I still feel horrible and I feel like I want to forgive him because I do honestly feel like he has changed and he wants to be with me. I know it isn't only his fault as why it happened because it was also mines as well. I wasn't there for him like I needed to be and also didn't listen as much. I guess i'm scared and I do not want to make the wrong decision as well. I don't know what to do or what choices to make.
Nesha,I'm sorry this post was missed. Please let us know how you're doing and if you've made any decisions. None of this is easy. But please make any choice with your self-respect first and foremost.
5 hours ago, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me on Monday.He's an older man, and there's quite a large age difference between us (I'm 24, he's 55). He's been very honest and upfront with me all throughout our relationship. I knew since the beginning that he was a sex addict. I told him I didn't think I was strong enough to stay in the relationship if he had cheated on me. His response was that he was a sex addict and made no promises. He made me feel so secure in our relationship. He's been so loving and caring. I love being with him. I felt that our connection was so strong that nothing like this would happen.But he told me that he relapsed on Monday and gave oral sex to 5 other men in a porn shop. He has no idea what triggered him to do so. He was sober for 7 months and threw it all away. I haven't been able to stop crying. I want to be next to him, but the images of him with these other men just keep flashing into my head. My head is spinning and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I told him that I would stay with him and that we would fight his sex addiction together. I'm honestly so scared. I don't want to be hurt again, but I don't want a life without him in it. I'm afraid that if I'm not with him that he'll do this again. I don't trust him at all anymore. I'm at a complete loss and don't know where to start.Any feedback would be great. We've been dating about 6 months. I know that doesn't seem like very much relative to other posts here, but we were serious and committed to each other... Or so I thought. I'd really appreciate some much needed advice on this. Just to keep my own head from spinning.
Justin,I know how strong that pull is to be with him. I know how seeing him vulnerable is tugging on every one of your incredibly compassionate heartstrings. But life with an addict of any kind can be incredibly heartbreaking as you're discovering.My advice? Be his friend through this. Support him in his recovery while not managing his recovery. This is his battle to fight. In the meantime, seek therapy for yourself so that you have the support you need as you mend your own heart. Get clear on your boundaries. You have the chance, at 24, to gain insight into yourself that will set you on a healthy path in any relationship to follow, whether with him or with others. Nobody is ever prepared for the heartbreak of betrayal. And we have a choice when it happens to us -- to use the experience to heal and become stronger and more whole or to let it make us small and scared. If you choose to stay with this man, you'll need to be absolutely clear about boundaries. (In any relationship, frankly, but especially with an addict.) I would start by using this time so that each of you can get healthier.
Justin I'm do sorry to hear about whst you are going through. The pain of betrayal is brutal no matter the duration of the relationship. The loss of safety and trust turns you inside out. I'm giving you a huge hug. Cry as much as you need to. Ok I'm no relationship expert and first things first, after his relapse has your bf gotten std testing done? Even if he says they used condoms, there is still a risk and,well, that might not be the truth. Sorry. I think it is a positive that he told you what had happened. if you are not in therapy, please get yourself a therapist asap. If your bf is not in therapy or a group specifically for sex addiction please encourage him to do do. Don't be afraid to make that a criteria for your staying. Of course youre scared. Of course youre hurt. Of course you don't trust him anymore. The mind movies can be brutal. There are ways to interrupt them. If you dig around on the site you'll find a lot of discussion. But you can picture a big stop sign. I would do that and also shout stop in my own head. You can wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it to literally snap yourself out of it. My therapist also suggested visualizing the whole scene bring erased by a cleansing white light. For me, picturing my husband or his affair partner farting made the whole scene absurd and fade away. Try everything and see what works. Thus us so fresh and raw of course you feel sick. Take time to breath and focus on your own care. Don't make any hasty or emotional decisions right now. You said that you are afraid that if you are not with him, that he will do this again. Justin, I'm saying this gently, but his choices and actions are not your responsibility. They are his. As long as you claim responsibility for his sobriety, he doesn't have to own it himself. As long as you hold that for him, you will always feel like you are standing on the edge of a cliff. His choice to cheat is about something missing in him. You can't fix it for him. Only he can do that work. Is he remorseful? Is he willing to really do the work necessary? His early admission that he was a sex addict and made no promises concerns me. It frankly sounds selfish. That he has a sex addiction and was in a porn shop is s huge red flag. Just being in there could have been the trigger Is he willing to dig in to this with the right therapist? So the only thing I can share with my own experience is to shift your focus on you. Think about what you need to do to take care of you. Right now. Today. And take each day one at a time. What do you need in order to feel safe? Much love Justin.
My husband and I have been together for many years and recently he told me he has been online chatting to a woman off a game for nearly a month. He said he knew it was wrong he was lost, feeling useless that i deserved better (We have had alot as a family going on) and because we are not intimate he felt unwanted. He told her things about our life but said it was only to get free porn as she sent images/videos off her private parts so he could finish. He said he told her things so she would send videos. They talked about moving in togethee and having sex all the time. He said whenever he talked to her it was what he wanted to do with me and always imagined us not her. He said it was never about her and he would never have left me. He said it was two problems in one he was telling her things to make her me and how he wanted us to be in his fantasy world but at the same time it was only about the porn. He has happily done a lie detector answering questions about this situation and the whole of our relationship. He passed all of them including whether he only was thinking of me and it was only about the porn. I am still struggling to understand it as how can he be thinking about me knowing it wasnt me. Can he really do that or is it excuses. Is he likely to do this again. I dont know if i can move on from this he has broken me I never knew anything we always talked about everything else. Our marriage was supposed to be pure with honesty, trust, communication and love and i dont think we can ever have that again. Any advice is appreciatedKind RegardsLeanne
Wow Leanne - that sounds incredibly like whats happened to me. Only in my case my husband looked up his first love on the internet and then met her while we were down in California. I'm facing the same dilemma - I don't know how I can trust him again - especially after seeing an email that I wasn't supposed to see. If you figure out how to rebuild the trust - let me know - I need it too. Jan
Hi Jan thanks for the reply. If I figure it out u will let you know. For me the only reason I considered giving any thought to staying within the marriage is that he has proved with a lie detector that what he told me is the truth and he has never has physically been elsewhere. He also answered questions on the motive eg was the whole affair about free porn? did you only think about your wife? Did you have any feelings towards affair partner? Also was asked about throughout the whole relationship and passed everything with no hesitation. Also I never suspected anything any nd would never have found out but he said he realised how wrong he'd been and thought about just deleting everything but thought I deserved honesty. I am still finding it difficult as he should have been able to come to me and talk communication and honestly is everything and it makes me doubt the future. I hope you find some answers that give you peace and strength to move forward with your lifeLeanne
We have been married 23 years this Oct. My suspicions of my husbands infidelity began 13 years ago. I saw them together numerous times in his car and I was called once by an older lady telling me that they were having an affair (small town). I received a short note in the mail saying that they were having an affair a few weeks later. I took the letter to him at his office and confronted them both. Of course, they both denied it. I knew they were both liars but with 4 small children at the time I put it behind me. We had many long talks that year and he told me that she was his "best friend" but denied sex with her. Since Jan/Feb of this year he has been diagnosed manic depressive. He decided to "come clean" this past Labor Day. He says that he had sex with her 3 times in the back of her conversion van on country roads. Classy.... Needless to say, I am devastated. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him or get over this. Im not sure which is worse, the affair itself or the fact that he could lie about it for 12 years. He is seeing a psychiatrist/therapist for his depression. His therapist told him he "needed a break" and maybe he needed to get away for a couple of days. Really?!!! I was livid, he gets to leave this mess that he created?! I told him if he left we were done, he stayed. He is miserable, even suicidal. It is hard for me to feel sorry for him...
My story is the same as many but with a twist. I had been happily married to a wonderful man for 26 years. In that time he never once gave me any reason for suspicion or jealousy. Then we had some rocky times - we started taking each other for granted, he developed ED because of diabetes and meds he was on, and then I had to have major foot surgery requiring lots of assistance from him. He said he felt stressed and unappreciated. After I went back to work he went online and found his "lost love" - a woman he had a passionate affair with 43 years earlier. He said he had always felt something had happened to her as a result of their affair and wanted to know if there had been a child conceived (mind you he was never contacted by anyone). "Lost Love" replied back to him and said she would only tell him what happened if he met her face to face while we were in California (we were going for a family wedding). Husband told me he still had feelings for "Lost Love" and just wanted "closure". So they met in a public place and he did find out she had gotten pregnant but had a miscarriage. He then came back to the hotel and told me the meeting had stirred up all his feelings for "lost love" just as they had been 43 years ago. We live in a different state and he told me he wanted to keep in touch "as a friend" with "lost love" after we went home. So we get home - "lost love" was unhappy in her marriage and disappointed to find my husband happily married but made him feel "needed" by using him as her emotional support. However she got very clingy and needy - the texting was non-stop and every time she had a "melt down" he was calling whether I was home or not. He finally went to counseling and was told he needed to put some bounderies on contact with "lost love". He did that but she didn't take it well and he told me she had been very upset "sobbing" on the phone. I had been happy to hear he was going to be putting some bounderies because I was getting tired of the constant going off to text message or talking while I was home. A couple nights later I noticed he was acting funny - he had his arm around me but he felt a million miles away. I put it down to being tired and over-reacting. Nope - as I went to bed I pulled out my tablet and saw an email - in it he called her a pet name he used with me (Precious) and told her how much he missed her voice and that "it was going to be a long weekend" (because I had asked for no contact on my weekend). It hit me like a sucker punch - he had lied when he said that there was no romantic talk between them and that he was "longing for her voice" while telling me he loved me. So now I feel like I'm in the "I'm a fool stage" and don't know how to get out of it. Anybody have any suggestions?
Well, I found this page late last night and I wanted to share my story for support and advice.My husband and I have 3 beautiful children (the first is my step daughter from his first marraige and the 4 year old and 1 year old are my husband and I's biologically) 3 days ago I found out he has been sexting with a married woman(her husband found out and told me) and I know she hasn't been the only one. Apparently she was in our home while I was away visiting my family with the kids(which he refuses to admit) and after a night out with his buddies he went over to her house at 2am but she was supposedly sleeping. The sexting sounds to be like this fantasy world or something pictures back and forth and it all sickens me.I have had suspicion of something for a long time and late nights when he is drunk I had seen messages with multiple women (half the messages were deleted) but it's all dirty talk. One woman went along with it the other was just setting up a movie date but wouldn't take it any farther since he's married and told her his marraige was horrible. When I found those messages we were in the middle of selling out house and buying a new one in a new smaller community. Honestly I just forgave him, I was so hurt but we were so busy with people coming to see our house daily and our children ect. I love him and I think I just didn't want to believe he could do this to me.But when I found out just the other day about this other girl and her husband and 3 kids herself my stomach immediately is in knots it is like it all hit me in the face. He is not respecting me, all the lies and deceit it has been a painful few days and I don't know what to do.I kicked him out for the weekend and told him I needed to clear my head and we can find a time to sit and talk later. I know he feels guilty he is angry, especially with the couple that made him get caught!He admitted to drinking too much (which he does just about every other night) he admitted to sending inappropriate texts and messages and being honest about not always remember what he says. But it's not like he doesn't know he's doing this to me. He finds time to delete all the messages. I can't really believe a word he says anymore. I don't know what to do or what to say at this point. I don't want to break up our marraige or our family. I love him and despite everything he is a good dad and he takes care of us. I want to suggest therapy because I think he needs help and I know we need help. I don't know how else to build any trust again but first and foremost he needs to admit to what he has done.Any advice and tips would be so amazing right now...
Paige, I'm so sorry you've had to find this site. You will find a great deal of wisdom from the ladies here. I can tell you what helped me to navigate the discovery of my husband's betrayal in the early days. (We are almost a year and a half out from the final d-day.). I hope others will share their insight too.First, you don't have to make any immediate decisions. Your primary concern right now should be you and your children. Having a suspicion is hard but the reality of it being exposed is awful. The shock of this can take a toll on you physically. I know I couldn't eat, barely slept and felt panicked constantly. So as hard as it sounds, try to sleep and try to eat. Realizing that the issues lie with your husband is huge. Sometimes it takes realizing what they stand to lose in order to be willing to acknowledge those issues and work on them. That was the case for my husband. He initially told me it was an emotional affair with a co-worker. So the full truth came after 4 months of continued lies and resuming the affair for 2 of those 4 months. Upon my learning the full truth, the affair ended and we started going to therapy together and committed to trying to repair our marriage. Sadly, I don't think it's uncommon for people to take some time to pull their heads out of their asses. I agree with you that you need to know the truth and he needs to acknowledge what he has done. At a minimum, you need to know what you're dealing with. Therapy was a great help for my husband and for me. If you have access to it and feel it would help, I would encourage it for you even if he chooses no to go.I remember when I first found this site. I was a wreck and thought the pain would never end. People here assured me it would not always feel that way, which seemed unbelievable. But they were right. Take things one day at a time, even one hour at a time if you need to. Hugs!
My husband and I have 3 children (the first is my step daughter from his first marraige the two little ones 4 and 1 are our children)Just a few days ago everything hit me and it hit me hard. He has been sexting a lot of sexting. I believe it's been going on a long time now. I have caught him in other instances late at night drunk and up messaging multiple women asking for pictures, dirty talk, and telling these women his marraige is on the rocks(it was not to my knowledge) at the time I forgave him we were in the middle of selling our house and buying a new one. We have our children I wasn't going to let it ruin our family.. So shortly after he got caught he decided to delete his Facebook.. Mind you he drinks too much and I honestly don't think he remembers sending those messages. I first became suspicious again when right after he deleted Facebook I found her phone number and her name pop up on the ipad.. Well actually my 1 year old brought it up by typing a k. So it was like he saved her number(I'm assuming the had been messaging a long time). Then her husband contacted me. He was concerned because late one night my husband text his wife just a hi. I asked him about it via text as I was off with the kids visiting my family. He said he couldn't even remember who she was (they worked together years ago and lived down the road from each other when we first started dating) So yet again he got mad defensive and I blew it off(I now found out that day she was in my home with my husband that day)Now to the last few days her husband had left her. And he finally contacted me, he told me everything and he found all the dirty messages naked pictures of her and pictures of my husbands junk sent back and forth. He found out that my husband had walked over to there house after the bar but she had fallen asleep or something. And then there is everything I don't know yet.He's only half admitting to everything he has done. He apologized for the messages and texts and he swears there was no physical contact with another woman(which my intuition tells me different) he admitted to having an alcohol problem. I kicked him out for the weekend at least(he works from home) I told him I need to clear my head and we can find a time to sit down and talk and send the kids with family for the day. Is there any hope? I'm young, I'm only 26 and I never pictured a future with a broken family. I would like him to get some help and possibly us to get some help, but what if that doesn't work? I'm sad and hurt and confused why risk a great family and I think I'm a good wife? What do I even say to him at this point, will he ever tell the truth? Is there any hope at all? Any advice would be much appreciated..
Paige,I'm sorry I missed this post. I'm not sure what has happened since you wrote this but I hope you've taken some time to really get clear on what's next.For a start, you can't simply "forgive" and move on. He has to be fully accountable for what he's done, whether he remembers it or not. It certainly sounds as if he has a problem with alcohol. But, drunk or sober, we are responsible for our actions. Addicts are notorious for blaming others, offering up half-truths, or denying there's a problem at all. You can't let him get away with any of that. He needs to commit to a sobriety program (ideally a 12-step program) and then remain focussed on that.As for the cheating, it might be that alcohol has opened the door for him to do things that he otherwise wouldn't do. I don't know. And getting sober might eliminate that issue. Or it might not. Alcohol is an escape. Cheating is an escape. He's avoiding dealing with feelings by escaping. I would urge you to seek out a therapist who can help you figure out what's next. You're young but I understand that you want to keep your family intact if you can. But so much depends on your husband. Don't compromise your own value system to stay in a marriage. Your kids are better off with a mother who's honouring her own integrity than an "intact" family in which you're abandoning your principles.
I have to write this down as it is killing me. I can't tell friends or family as I am so mad/embarrassed/sad. My husband and I have been married 11 months, together 6 years. In that time he has physically cheated once, in yhd early day's of dating. Since then he has been caught, more times than I can count, on dating and hook up sites. More recently I have found out that he has been sending private pictures to yet another female. The thing that gets me is he makes out like it's my fault. He shouts at me and getsay angry I'don't I get angry. He had been acting odd a few months back, secretive with hia phone, staying up late etc. He went out with a guy from work whom he had never socialised with in over 3 years. I asked if he was cheating he assures me no, we had a huge fight and he made me feel it was all in my head. Then 2 weeks later I find a message on his phone from *zoe* with lots of xxx. Again I confront him and he assured me that she had been sending him lots of messages but he was not interested. Again we have a massive fight and he makes me feel that I'm untrusting and a bit crazy. A week later I'm sorting out his phone bill when I see these charges for picture messages, 14 in 4 hours. I confront him and ask if I call the number will it be Zoe. He finally admits that he has been sending intimate pictures of himself and her to him. I am so angry. I threw him out, but let him cone home. I can't afford to live without him. We have worked kids and I only work part time. Thing is I don't know if I love him anymore. I can't bare him touching me. He keeps telling me to stop dwelling on it, but I can't. I cry all the time, but now I do it away from him, as he just ignores me. He still denies meeting up with any one that night, but I amanaged 100% sure he did. I feel like my life is falling apart. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. Sorry for this post, but I needed to get this down and for someone, even a stranger to know what is happening to me.
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is emotional abuse. He is gas lighting you. Making YOU feel like the crazy one when your response is perfectly normal. He uses anger to get you to back off. He's manipulating you. You know what he's doing. Stop asking him to agree with you because that's not going to happen. Get yourself a counsellor who can help you find your way through this. You deserve respect. You deserve kindness. You deserve to be with someone you love.Come up with an exit plan so that you can get out of this relationship. Can you pick up more hours? Can you get a higher paying job? Can you find cheaper childcare or cheaper living arrangements? See if you can begin to strategize a way out of this. A marriage should be the place to retreat after a tough day, it shouldn't be the source of anger and sadness.
We met in 2012. He was younger and i was looking for a mere hookup. Hooking up turned into a friendship though short lived as I found out while we were hooking up he was doing the same with an ex friend. I cut ties easily because we had not yet made a deep frienship, it was still very surface. All this happened over the course of 2 months or so. No communication between us until i read on fb that his mom had suddenly died. I reached out through text to simply give my condolences. That was that. Not too long after we started talking more. Just as friends. He had been in a non commital relationship with my ex friend all the while we had not been talking. They were no longer speaking. Our facetious relationship began to get serious. We were monogamous and in a committed relationship by the end of the yr. 2013 we moved in together. It was a tempestuous relationship in the beginning as my ex was still platonicly in the pic. He began to pursue a girl at work. She told me about it. They didnt have sex but he wanted to. I moved out. I was gone for weeks when we reconciled and he aplogized for entertaining the idea. We got over it. 2014 my brother dies. I find out im pregnant. He again pursues another girl at work. Literally hadn't buried my brother and i wake up in the middle of the night to find him texting her. She was not responsive. She had a boyfriend. They never had sex. We get over it. Fast forward. 2016. We have a house. We're engaged. We rarely have sex. I play the past cards in fights. We fight over small things. We are not connected. He falls asleep on the couch i tip toe to the bed. Sep 28, 2016 i find out he one month before invited an old hs friend to come over while i was working. They had sex twice on the living room floor. She gave him a blow job and let him do anal. 2 things i do not do. He is remorseful, guilty, apologetic, graveling...pathetic. Yet still days after finding out we partook in "hysterical bonding" i was like wtf is wrong with me. Now i cringe at his touch. Its confusing. I never thought he'd actually go through with it but at the same time its not like we had an amazing relationship. I think what makes it worse is that he had her in our home. He would have died with the truth. He pursued her for over a month to no prevail. Her babys father alerted me of the infedelity which i believe she prompted him to do so i could get my ex fiance off her back. The old me would have found this trash and it would have been bad. But my issue is with the man who i have a life with. As an adult now, i realize that. He has suggested couples therapy. We have our first session in a few days. Im doubtful. Im reeling from all this. I know we had a troubled relationship but we had love. Have love. He does. Do i? Yes i think so. Im just so hurt. Betrayed. He is catering to me. Wanting to get back into church. Says that we need to have faith that god will restore our relationship and work on him as a person so that he can be the best man for my son and i. Im not sure i want to stick around and rest on the hope he'll never do it again. Hell, that i wont do it out of spite. I cant see a future with him. Im living just in the day im in and seeing where that takes me. He said its so much easier being one person. I said i know. Its all ive ever been.
Anonymous,I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through. I'm curious if you've been to the couples therapist yet...and, if so, how it went.It takes two to rebuild a marriage but, at least at first, it can be tough to both feel fully committed. And it's a long tough road. He needs to be fully accountable for what he's done. He needs to want to be a better person and have a strategy for how he plans to achieve that. And you need to want that too.
Back story: I've dated my husband since June 2006 I was 17 him 18 we went to high school together and started dating just after graduation. Last Novemember we got married and had the most beautiful wedding you could imagine. He never talks down to me, always pretty much does what I want him to do. We lack communication I always yell and getting mad him closing in his feelings and feeling like every time he brings up and issue I switch it and make him feel bad. I know I'm difficult to talk to I'm very stubborn. He is a good guy everyone loves him. But he works to much and has always been focused on making more money and being great at everything. He works 40 hours a week plus has his own wedding photography/video business and is usually working on that. Making lack of quality time a huge issue for us (for like ever!) In September I found some pics and videos of a girl on our computer that he saved and I found out it was some girl from work that he was talking to. They started emailing back and forth and sending videos to one another. It lasted a few months started with them venting to each other about me and her boyfriend. I guess she had asked him to meet up and he supposedly said no and cut everything off in April. I went crazy and after contacting her and her man I was told by her man that she said she heard My husband has done this before with someone else in the office that used to work there. Once I told him that I found out there was more he admitted to 1 other girl in the office he was talking to, flirting with right before we got married and even shortly after. Supposedly he only kissed her once quickly at the office but they did exchange photos, and videos as well. Even while on our honeymoon he messaged her to send him something. Because I was sleep and he wanted to get off. He says with both girls it didn't feel real bc he "knew" he wasn't going to have sex with them. He says it felt like porn. After all that of course I've been a mess. But I still felt like he wasn't being 100 percent honest with me. Finally on this Friday he admitted he cheated on me in 2013 (in the fall before we bought our house that March). He was going back and forth with a girl we both know and he decided to meet her at her job one day. He said they had sex for like 5 mins and then he realized the condom fell off so he freaked out and stopped. Well of course a few days later he got pain, got tested and he had chlamydia. He said it was a time where we didn't have sex for like 2 months so he got treated and went back several times to make sure he was good and it never was an issue of giving it to me bc we weren't having sex. He's been going to a therapist to work on his own issues. We've been going to couples therapy since September as well. He apologizes and says he's terribly sorry and he's reading this book and watching videos on self esteem and how to become a better person but I just don't know. He cheated on me 3 years ago and got an Std!!!! but then followed the same behavior in 2015 & 2016?? Now he's changing because I found out!!! I'm married this is not supposed to be happening, we're not even a year yet. I supposed it would make me feel less if he wasn't trying, if he wasn't admitting his mistakes. He's actually being very responsive to my anger and doing all the things many husbands (from what I read aren't willing to do). Therapy, owning his part in this messZ asking what he can to to make my life easier right now so I can focus on school and work. I always grew up with the motto once a cheater always a cheater. Now I've been cheated on and don't know what stance I believe in.
BetrayedWife77,We were all pretty much of the "once a cheater..." philosophy. Easy to say when it hasn't happened to you.There isn't a right way through this. There is a way that feels right for you. And you can give yourself time to figure out what that is. To watch him and see what happens. To see if your own feelings get clearer. Betrayal changes everything so it's tough to make lifelong decisions when our own emotions are so up and down.
My husband told me 2 months ago yesterday that he was in love with another woman. He is back and wants to work on the relationship but is sick of my meltdowns. I can't control my thoughts. How do I deal with this in a healthy way?
Unknown,I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Of course you can't control your thoughts and your husband shouldn't expect you to. I suspect this has been the pattern in your relationship. He makes the decisions and you're expected to go along with them with a smile on your face. Thing is, betrayal changes things. He betrayed you. He detonated a bomb in your life. And that's not something you can just sweep under the rug. Betrayal is traumatizing. It creates emotional changes that last a long time. Sure there are healthy ways to respond -- and if you don't already have a therapist, please please find yourself a good one. But even with that support, you've got a boatload of pain to process. And that takes time. You have grief to process. And that takes time. The meltdowns are going to be MORE likely, the less he gives you the freedom and safety to express that pain and to be reassured that he's doing everything he can to ensure that he never EVER puts you in this pain again.Which begs the question: What is he doing? How is he showing you that he's NOT that guy, the one who broke your heart? What changes is he making to make your marriage safer and better? He created this pain...it's not your job to not feel it. Quite the contrary, it's your job to process it and to decide if this man is worth your love, if he's trustworthy enough to be given that second chance. And it's HIS job to earn that second chance. Betrayal is agony. And it's made worse by a partner who can't acknowledge how deeply he's hurt you.
My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We've been together for 14 years and married for 6. When we were in high school he fooled around with 1 of my friends. I was able to get over it and we were able to work through it and move on. The year before we got martied I found a strange msn logged in on my laptop and opened the email to find out who had been using my computer only to find hundreds of emails my then fiance had sent to various craigslist ads. When I confronted him he said that he kept having fantacies of trying stuff with a man and he felt embarrassed telling my about it. The emails included pictures of him sucking some mans cock. As a bisexual I understand and we were able to work through this and move on. Despite the hurt that it caused. But we had some great chats and my husband realized how sexually open I was, even if he wanted to try swinging, all he had to do was ask. We got married and things have been great. I felt such love and support from him that I hardly ever thought about his previous betrayals.I did have a sexting relationship with a man that my husband became aware of. He met the guy. Hashed it out. And we worked through it. There was no sexual contact only sexting.At the start of this year i was diagnosed with graves disease which is a thyroid autoimmune disorder with a long multitude of symptoms including extreme mood swings and lack of libido. I recognize that for a while when my disease was at its worst and untreated that I was extremely difficult to deal with. It caused issues in our marriage but I thought we were working on them despite the changes in my husbands attitude and behaviour. But in July I began to become suspicious that he might be cheating again. It dtove me crazt. On August 15th I finally got crazy enough to check his cell records. Sure enough he was making hundr3ds of texts, photo messages and phone calls to some number that was not saved to his phone. Turns out to be a female server he works with. He claims they're "just friends" but that he had to keep it a secret because I "don't let him talk to females." That they were just friends and he helped her get out of a bad relationship and then she moved awat to another city and they just kept in touch. They only talked at night. When I was at work. I work a full time night shift job so he has 5 nights a week to himself. This is right at the time we were going to try swinging for the first time and he was allowed to talk to the female swing partner all he wanted about anything! I became suicidal amd ended up in the hospital. He stuck by me and said things were over with Amy the whore. He even changed his phone number and she ended up doing the same. He wants to work on things and go to counseling but I feel like I cant trust him at all. Maybe I dont even know this man! This betrayal is just too hurtful. He swears they didn't meet up or have any secual contact or even sexting. But in 1 month they had 355 mins tall time and had sent/received over 1200 texts each!! I don't know what to do... any advice? I'm seriously leaning towards leaving him. But prior to finding this out we were talking about starting a family.
Anonymous,I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Of course, you can't trust him. That's totally rational given that he's shown you he can't be trusted. It doesn't matter if he did or did not have a sexual relationship with this woman, what you must know from swinging is that honesty is paramount. And he has been hiding things, he has had a secret friendship at the very least. Given your suicidal thoughts, please please find yourself a therapist who can help stabilize you and support you through this pain. I too had suicidal thoughts when I found out about my husband's betrayal. A lot of us are in such pain, we simply can't imagine another way out. But I promise you, you will get through this. And you can heal yourself in deep wonderful ways as you do.But it starts with you finding a therapist and processing your pain. It won't be quick or easy but it will be worth it. And, as you work through your feelings, it will become clearer what you want to do going forward. You don't need to make any decisions right now. There's a lot of info on this site about the early days post D-Day. You can demand to have total access to any/all electronic devices, you can insist on No Contact...but ultimately what you can control is you. So start there.
Please, please can someone help me. I have been married for 28 years and I have just found out my husband has been sending and receiving disgusting texts from a work colleague. He has also told me that they have been physical with each other 3 times recently. I can't get it all out of my head, I feel I am experiencing real physical pain, I have wanted to hurt him and myself I am so messed up I don't know what to do! One minute I am a quibbering wreck and the next I am some sort of lunatic and I feel I am totally out of control. I can't bear to look at him because it's a constant reminder of what has happened and when he isn't there I want to talk to him, what is the matter with me! He says he loves me and loved me even when he was doing these things with her but how could he have loved me, I could never have done this to him, I just feel like he is being cruel by telling me that. He has now started getting angry because I am not in control of my emotions he gets defensive and says "well you don't believe anything I say so what's the point" or he says "I will just go then because you obviously don't want me here" how can he get so angry with me, he is the one who has done this to me who has made me like this not the other way round. Should I just shut up and put up with it? Please please can someone help me before I lose my mind
Desparate, Your husband's words are straight out of the cheaters' playbook. He is likely consumed with shame and guilt but lacks the emotional capacity to own up to the pain he's caused so, instead, he makes YOU the bad guy for making him feel bad. For not forgiving him.Well, forget that. He betrayed you. And unless he's willing to acknowledge that and take full responsibility for the pain he's caused and do everything he can, including counselling, to get to the root of why he made that choice to betrayal, then it's almost impossible to rebuild a healthy marriage. He needs to be a big boy and understand that betrayal is devastating and that you are acting exactly like someone who's been betrayed acts. Like someone who discovered the person she loved and trusted betrayed that. Of course your emotions are all over the map. Of course you don't believe him. You'd be a fool to believe someone who has made it clear that he can't be trusted. It's the most ridiculous thing and I hear it all the time. Someone who has lied and deceived and cheated suddenly feels all pouty and sorry for himself because his wife doesn't believe him. Well, he created this dynamic, not you.So...I would demand that if he wants to save your marriage that he seek counselling. And I would encourage you to find a counsellor too who can support you as you work through the agony of betrayal. It's possible to rebuild a marriage after betrayal but it takes two people willing to heal themselves.
Desparate Elle has told you better than I possibly can but I can tell you that I also have had each and everyone of those emotions! I found this blog and literally read it from the beginning to present and the only way I made it through this was finding others that allowed me to know that I'm not alone and the emotions that I was spiraling through were normal post betrayal! I'm not so proud of some of my melt downs because I was brutal with my anger and hurt. My h just wanted it all to just go away but he first had to understand how deep the pain was and he had to learn to accept that this was the fallout that he caused. I had to learn about compartmentalization. My h also said he never stopped loving me and I screamed you have a lousy way of showing it! When he explained that he placed me/us in a box to keep us separate from his different sex desires, I screamed that's just excuses but the more I learned about men and their capacity to compartmentalize, women not so much able to do this although some can, I was able to move past some of the pain. However, I also shared videos with him to show the emotions I was dealing with and that's when he learned how to respond with my melt downs. We were so cautious and careful with each other and gave ourselves no time limit but that if staying together was what we both wanted, then both of us would have to work our butts off to make life better together! I'm so sorry for what I know you are living through! Therapy does help if he doesn't know what led him to make that first decision to go outside the marriage! For you it can help validate the feelings you're living through and give you a more healthy way to deal with the anger and hurt you feel. The most important thing to remember is you're right he has no right to show anger towards you that just fuels the rage in your heart! This mess is not your fault but if he truly loves you and can show you by the way he changes his behavior, then and only then can you begin to have a healthy marriage! Hugs! I know how hard this is and how long it takes to get through the initial shock!
My d-day was Sept. 16, 2016. My H and I were working outside in the yard, I could tell something was bothering him so I asked what's wrong? He didn't answer right away, I said your starting to scare me, I thought maybe someone was sick or died. He looked at me with this ice cold look and said you should be scared, I'm leaving you, I'm in love with someone else. We have been married for 33 years, together for 35 and to say I was blindsided would be an understatement! He then started to tell me about her and that he couldn't get her out of his head! I couldn't breathe! I have never had a panic attack but I think I had one then. I turned and went in to the house, grabbed my keys, got in my car and just started driving. My parents were out of town so I went to their house after stopping to buy a pack of cigarettes! I quit smoking 10 years ago! I went there and sat outside and smoked the whole pack, I really showed him didn't I?!! My kids were calling me, I have 5 amazing, grown children. I couldn't speak but I did text them I was ok and would be home in the morning. (2 still live at home). I am so predictable they knew I was at my parents! Before my H left the house he dropped the bomb on one of the kids too.I came home the next morning and needed to text him when I couldn't find something, he said he would be by the next day as he had some thinking to do, HE HAD SOME THINKING TO DO! Ha!!
When I saw him the next day we both cried and he said he wanted to come back. I told him I would consider that if we went to counseling to figure out why this happened. He moved in to his Moms and we attended counseling several times. He would come by the house to do yard work, etc. the kids were trying really hard to connect with him. I was having a hard time because I wasn't feeling anything from him, no remorse, no empathy, nothing. We only really talked at counseling and then all he said was "I don't know, I don't have the answer for you." Very cold and unfeeling. The counselor suggested he move back home, so he moved into the spare bedroom.After about 3 weeks my daughter found out he was still talking to her, my daughter used to work at the same company and that is where they both work. A former coworker contacted my daughter to tell her it is the talk of the office and definitely still going on!She confronted him via text because she is out of the country and he denied it all. Finally she told me and I confronted him,again, all denials. I asked to see his phone and WOW there was a looong text message from her right there on the screen! Saying if your daughter is stirring up shit and saying we are still talking I understand if you don't want to talk for awhile! I was floored again, I mean we were going to counseling twice a week! He had to admit it then and also admitted he was still sleeping with her! I told him to get out, that was Nov. 7th. He moved back to his Mom's and no one heard from him all week. I drove to his Mom's on Sat. And told home he needed to come over so we can talk and that he needs to decide if he is in or out. He came over that night and said he was walking away. When I asked why he said he didn't know! I said you are making one of the biggest decisions of your life and you don't know why? He left. I saw him after church on Sunday and something amazing happened. I couldn't stop crying and shaking, heart racing, he held me and he cried too. Both of us, all day, sobbing, hugging, over and over. He texted me later that night to ask if I would talk to him the next day, I suggested we meet somewhere, the kids wanted nothing to do with him.We had a great talk, I asked him if what I felt was real and he said he felt it too. We agreed to take it one day at a time and continue counseling but separately. Over the next two weeks we went out several times and talked a lot, but not about our relationship just regular stuff, unless I directed the conversation to "us". He assured me he had no contact with her during this time.Yesterday I got a facebook message from her, blew me away yet again. So many details about their relationship, so much he didn't tell me! He was still talking to her and spending time with her right up to Friday when he stood in front of me and lied yet again about where he was going. He was supposed to be with her but instead he talked to her on the phone for several hours to"break up" with her! He told me tonight that he hasn't been with her since our moment when we cried and hugged but he was with her last week. He said that was because he couldn't find the words to end it. I said you could look me in the eye, after 33 years of marriage and lie over and over but you couldn't find the words to break up with her?!?I am so twisted inside out and sick to my stomach. How do you get through this?
Peggy,You get through this moment by moment, just like you're doing. But you also set some really clear boundaries. I don't think he really wants to leave. I suspect that he's convinced himself, since he slept with this woman, that there's more to it than just a middle-aged guy distracting himself from his issues. But I doubt there is. In any case, you get to decide what's next. I would encourage you to draw a very clear line -- that if he's remotely interested in saving his marriage, that he end it immediately, have absolutely no contact with her and give you access to any and all computers, phones, or any other way he might have contact with her. And then...counselling. He needs to figure out why his head is so far up his ass that he's playing two women.In the meantime, stick with individual counselling. You need someone to support you as you work through this pain. (I'm the daughter of a woman who died from COPD, so please don't start smoking again!!) Keep sharing here. And please know that you'll get through this. But start by making it clear that you are the one setting any rules for reconciliation. He has shown you that he cannot be trusted to be honest with you. So if he wants to rebuild a marriage (and not end up with his kids thinking he's a total twit), he needs to get professional help and earn back your trust every single day.Hang in there, Peggy. It will get easier with time.
Elle, thank you so much for your kind words. Right now I can't even think straight. I am so confused! I feel so stupid for letting myself get sucked in over and over. I told him he waited too long to choose me and that I want nothing to do with him but the truth is I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Literally changing my mind from minute to minute. He has an appt. for individual counseling tomorrow. He stopped by to pick up some things and I can't even look at him, it's too painful. The real kicker is he is the one I want to turn to for help dealing with this! He was always the one. I keep telling my kids it is day to day but it's really moment to moment. The thoughts just take over and you can't stop them.On another note, has anyone ever responded to the other woman? Also, they work together so he sees her every day even though he now claims its over.
Peggy, I don't recommend having anything to do with the OW. It's rarely productive. However others might share some thoughts. You might want to post on one of the most recent posts because there are more people reading there. As for his contact with the OW, that's tough. Can he ask for a transfer or some other way of avoiding contact? Everything your experiencing is "normal" under the circumstances. The roller coaster emotions, the desire to turn to him for comfort. But keep doing what you're doing. You're setting clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. It hurts like hell, I know. But you're doing great.
PeggyI'm one to tell you that responding to the ow for anything just leads to more heartache! It took six months of constant contact from his ow to both of us before a judge finally put a no contact order in place. I too felt like my h was more concerned with her feelings than mine. Truth in my case, my h was afraid of his ow and what she may do to me/us. She threatened confrontation many times. Now that she's completely out of our lives, we're free to repair the damage to our relationship and make it what we want. I'm sorry you're on this roller coaster ride! I'm so sorry your h has to keep working with the ow in any capacity. When we were in the first year, my h was working on the west coast and was afraid of my staying home alone and a few times almost cancelled his work trip to be with me during the time before the harrassment charges were filed. My h was also afraid that she would try to sue us for what ever if I kept responding to her text so I just quit. Boundaries have had to be worked on in our relationship as he simply had none. He's a compartmentalizer. The way he described it was he put us/me in one box and his relationship with her in a separate box and when the boxes collided it made a hellava mess. My h thought his affair was over a year before she blew up my world with the truth but she was able to emotionally black mail him two weeks before to come by her apartment just as a friend to fix her cable and she tried to kiss him and that rejection and the fact that he would not answer her texts or phone calls for that two weeks angered her to the point of revealing the affair to me and I'm convinced that she thought I would leave him that first day. I'm long winded but I'm including as many of my experiences with this other person as I can just so you know that you are not alone in the crazy caused by our h choice to cheat. Keep venting here and if you haven't begun therapy please consider that for yourself. It's what has enabled me to get to this point on my journey! Hugs!
Wow, thank you both! It is so comforting to not feel alone anymore! I am continuing counseling and really trying to take it one day at a time. I typed up a reply to her but I sent it to my sister instead and like the both of you she cautioned me against replying to her and giving her power. I actually felt better just pressing send even if it wasn't to her. Elle, I only smoked the one day, I'm sorry for you losing your mom.Everyone says to take care of me but I've been married and a mother for the last 33 years and I'm sure like all of you I put myself last. I'm not saying that to sound like something better than I am but it was just the way it was, I'm the fixer but I can't fix this.He told me it was going on since February and claimed to have only slept with her twice which I didn't believe but then when she sent the message and it was so much more! Day trips, overnights when I thought he was at work related things, including a vacation for a couple of nights! He won't even plan a dinner reservation! One of the hardest hits was that he had her in my home, my safe place! I just want to get off the ride!
Peggy,I'm so sorry.My experience with the OWs is a bit different than yours, so I don't have much advice to offer on that question -- but I will say that I'm glad that I never have contacted them beyond the initial discovery. I have fantasized about it, for sure! But I think in my situation, I'm better off not giving them any more access to me (mind, heart, family). I can't control that my H brought them into my life, but I can control what they get of me now. What I wanted to reply to was your comment above that you feel stupid. Please, please do not! You behaved as you were supposed to. You were a faithful and loving spouse to your husband. There is nothing stupid or shameful in that -- NOTHING. Remember this, when the world is seeming upside down and inside out. I know it hurts. I'm so sorry. But you're not stupid for loving and respecting your husband (despite his flaws) and wanting his love and respect in return (despite your flaws) -- that's normal, that's marriage. I mean really. There is a lot of stupid in this situation and none of it is yours. Hang in there! Hugs!
Sal,Thank you for your reply, can never have enough hugs! Taking it one day at a time...
Peggy,My husband also had an affair with a co-worker. I was initially lied to by my husband and told it was an emotional affair. It ended briefly but started again when she contacted him after about two months. I discovered the full truth after another two months. We made a decision that if she didn't leave the company within a specified time, my hiusband would. We were fortunate that she did but that interim period was difficult. As far as contacting the OW, I did on two separate occasions. The first was when she initiated contacted with him after my I first d-day. This was via phone call and then by text. She attempted to lie to me and then told me their "friendship" wasn't wasn't the source of any issues in our marriage. I asked her to be respectful of my marriage and she went back to having sex with my husband within a week. I contacted her again the day after I found out the full truth. This was by text and I just unloaded on her. She sent a text back immediately with an apology. I believe it was simply to shut me up and back me down because her actions since then have shown a lack of remorse. I have not had any contact with her since. My experience was that it did not make anything better. I wish I had handled myself differently the first time. The second time was more controlled but it brought no closure. I struggle with still feeling a lack of closure but the reality is that I don't believe she has changed anything in her life and I don't think any confrontation would have an effect on her. Until she can acknowledge that she is broken and lives a lie, I don't believe anything I say would even sink in. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm sorry you had to find this site, but you will find a lot of good conpsssionate women here. It's been a great source of support for me.Hugs!
When does it stop?Last night I found out more details. She was at my house, supposedly outside. My gut says they had sex in this house, not just in that car. In the beginning he said it was in motels, once outside our home. In the beginning he said 10 times over several months. Last night he admitted to 5 times here. D day was September 9,2016. Today I feel like I'm experiencing it all over again. I went to a convent store near our home. Pulling out I passed my h. That was odd, him being here, this time of day. I pulled over and parked. I watched as he drove and parked between vehicles. I sat there a few minutes. Finally I drove up behind his vehicle and parked. I could now see someone was in the passenger seat. It was a very young, ugly girl. The conversation is a blur, the excuse, something about giving her a ride to her car. I took my phone and took a photo of the two of them. I opened the door. I remember telling her she better never get his this vehicle again. I took a photo of the back of the car as she got in. I wondered...did he buy her that car? I went back to him, I said I want a divorce some other things but it's a blur. I left my h for a while. I found her fb page from her tag. She's a prostitue, 23 years old. My husband is 59 I'm 54. He called me begged me to come back to him. He said he loved me that I was all he wanted. He had been lonely, it was "just sex." Oh the first words out of his mouth, "I know you think it was because she is young and skinny but it wasn't why. I looked on our phone bill and they texted and called almost every day. The texts would go for hours. Does ANYONE know how to recover deleted texts? I used a program but only recovered a few. On d day, they had text 43 times, not recovered. I've been through all the emotions. I can't eat. I rarely leave my house, I don't want to be around people. I barely made it through Thanksgiving. He has told me so many lies. I want the truth all of it now, it's so hard as more and more information comes out. My grown children are devastated. I have been in so much pain I haven't been able to help them much. I can't function. He has made changes. He is very different, he is sweet. I've told him I feel like this is temporary. How is it possible to know if they will cheat again? My gut tells me more and more will continue to come out. Today has been a bad day. I've read it's the cheater,not the spouse. But I keep wondering what is wrong with me that he could do that? From the phone bill, her number, it has been going on at least a year. There are a lot of details but just writing this has been painful. I'm afraid that h will do it again. I don't ever want to hurt like this again. I want to know more. I want all of it out in the open. If there is a way to recover deleted texts, I hope someone here can tell me. Thanks for letting me talk. I feel very alone. It has helped reading so many of the posts here Ann
Trying to cope day by day. In the beginning it seemed it was minute to minute. D day, September 9, 2016. I'll make it short, it's painful writing this. I saw my husband near my home at a store. I passed him. I thought it odd, him there at this time of day. He parked between other vehicles. I sat in my car and watched a few minutes. After a short time I drove to where he was stopped my car at his bumper. I could now see someone was in the passenger seat. I'm shaking as I write this, and relive it again. I walked to the passenger side and there sat a very young, ugly woman. I was shocked. The conversation, the excuse is a blur now. Something about fought with her brother and my h was taking her to her car. I took my phone out and took a photo of them. I don't remember what all I said. I did open the door and tell her to never get in this vehicle again. I took a photo as she was getting in her car. I wanted the tag #. It was a new paper tag. I don't remember what all I said to my husband. I remember saying I want a divorce. I left. A lot happened when I left. My grown kids came and helped me pack up my things. I'm 54 my husband is 59, we have been married for almost 30 years. I have found out the OW is a 23 year old prostite. I'm devastated. How could this happen. He called begged me to come back, said he loved me and I was all he wanted. He said he was lonely and we didn't have sex often enough. He didn't want a relationship "it was just sex." For days that rang in my ears and all I could say to myself was just what does that mean. After a short separation I'm home with my husband. My grown children can not be around him much and I understand. I love him and I think that must be craziness. I always believed if I had ever faced this, I would immediately divorce. I have not reacted in any way that I thought I would. I have been reading a lot online and discovered my emotions are normal. I don't feel like I even recognize myself in all this mess. In the beginning my h said he was with her probably 10 times. I have started investigating. If anyone knows a way to recover deleted texts please let me know. I wish some way I could read his deleted texts. I was crushed as I looked on our phone bill and saw all the texts and calls. This has been going on for at least a year. H said he had been seeing her a couple months but was trying to stop it. I've asked a lot of questions. He told me she was here at our home once. They had oral sex in her car. My gut says, they had sex in my house. Last night he admitted she was here probably 5 times. As more information comes out, slowly, it's like going through it all over again This pain is unbelievable. Reading the posts here has helped me. I feel like I'm rambling. I feel very alone. I am not able to eat. It feels like the inside of my body shakes, not just outwardly.
Ann,It is very early for me, my d-day was 9-16 so I can't offer much advice but I will say that I understand how you feel, you are not alone! My children are grown also and also devastated by this. It is such a crazy rollercoaster with the ups and downs! The trickles of information that keep ripping everything wide open are the worst! I also feel like I am shaking on the inside and not visibly outward, I feel hollowed out sometimes and the pain can be unbearable. Reading all these posts and having complete strangers offer such compassionate, kind words is really helpful. I hope you find some comfort and hope here.
Ann, you'll no doubt notice as you read the various stories that, while the circumstances might vary, the feelings we experience are universal. The shock that we don't just walk out the door. The deep deep pain. The inability to eat, to sleep, to think. It's all "normal", under the circumstances.Keep reading here, keep posting. It hurts, I know, but it can also be cathartic to get it out and to have the support of these incredible, strong, wise and compassionate women who know exactly what you're going through. You will get through this Ann. It might not feel like it, but you will. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Take good care of yourself. And trust that you'll get through.
We're divorcing but I'm still friends with them both. Hi my name is Mary and last Friday, I caught my husband in bed with my best friend. Although our marriage is over I am still friends with both of them. I have to be. My kids are 6 and 8 and they both (my husband and my best friend) have helped me raise them since my son was born. I figure I can hate them both kick them out, start a custody battle with them and make all of our lives miserable or I can be the mature one and do what needs to be done for my kids. So Yes my husband and I are divorcing, but it is very amicable and I'm still friends with my best friend. Why? Mostly because I'm insane but also what good is it to be bitter? I admit my marriage was not the best and we had issues. Yes they have more in common and they seem happy. I can't just throw her out. She is a second mother to my kids, she has helped me raise them, we eat dinner together every night and have for the last 2 years. So I'm taking the high road and thinking of my kids. I went through the betrayal, the pain, the anger stages and now I'm on to self-pity. If that makes sense. I'm in the I'm about to be a 40 year old divorcee, who is over weight and has bad teeth. How am I ever going to find someone. They will be moving out but I can't do it to my kids without causing them a lot of pain right now so we are easing in to it. Baby steps right?So my question for you all is...Has anybody else done this and made it through being friends with both? Is it possible to be ok with this? Will I survive? Hey. hey. LOL.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. No matter the circumstances, being betrayed by someone we trusted with our hearts is devastating. While I think it's admirable that you don't want to cause more pain for children, I also would urge you to really consider what's healthiest for you. Self-pity is often depression...and that's your anger turned toward yourself rather than where it belongs: on the people who betrayed you.Please find yourself a counsellor or therapist or someone who can support you as get clear on your own boundaries. What do YOU want going forward? What do YOU need? Are you teaching your kids kindness and forgiveness or are you teaching them to be doormats? I suspect your husband isn't the first person in your life to treat you as if your needs/wants don't matter. Please focus on you right now. They betrayed you. You don't owe them anything. You do owe yourself some self-respect and kindness.
Ann, I can just tell you what my very good wise therapist said - that this never ever works. I'm not a shrink but you have multiple issues. You sound dependent in many areas. You may struggle with self esteem. Why would you let someone else be a major influence over your children? If you eat dinner every night where is YOUR family time? Do you need a custody battle to get what you deserve? You want this liar to have influence over your children so they learn HER morals? How do you know your kids aren't miserable? You gave up. You avoided. You took the path of least resistance. Now you are questioning your choice. Take a look at your life. Is this what you want? Is this what THEY want - be a good girl and sit down and shut up. No way would want my children around the OW who is deceitful, liar, adulter she wouldn't be allowed near my kids.
I just found out that my SO has cheated on me. He cheated with his ex gf. The gf who he told me numerous times is a crazy b**ch. She is actually the one who had told me. He had gone onto my facebook and blocked her (I didn't know this until after the fact) because she threatened to tell me everything. She had created a whole other facebook account just so that she could tell me everything. This to me seems a little crazy, but at the same time I am grateful to her for telling me. my SO said that he was going to tell me, just on his terms. He said that he was unhappy so he tried to sabotage the relationship, but realized that he loves me and how good he actually has it with me, and he cut it off. He said that it only happened 4 times, but she said that it happened over a course of 4 months. I do believe him in this matter as he did come out and tell me everything and he was honest with me about any questions that I had. We are going to work on it, but I am having a hard time getting past the trust issues. I want to work on it because when me and my SO other met, I was in a very dark place. I had been going through a divorce for the last 3 years, and had finally gotten my divorce judgment 3 months earlier. My husband also cheated on me, with my best friend and bridesmaid!! There were also many many other reasons as to why we got divorced, or I probably would have worked it out! after that I "dated" a guy for a couple months who beat me up, and then another guy who emotionally abused me, isolated me from my family and all my friends. Needless to say I was in a hole, and my current SO became my best friend, and he brought me out of this hole I was in, he made me believe in love, and completely turned my life around. I'm just have some trouble with trust right now, I mean it has only been 4 days, so I know that it is going to take some time, but I was hoping that I could maybe get a little advise about how you ladies managed to trust again?
NFaye, I'm so sorry that someone you trusted (especially after being betrayed by your husband and your best friend) has done the exact same thing. It's devastating to go through it once!Your task right now is to focus on your own healing. Of course, you have trust issues. Of course, you don't trust him. He has shown himself to be unworthy of your trust and that shouldn't change until HE changes and you can see those changes. He should give you access to any and all electronics/accounts/etc. He should be fully transparent to you. And he should also seek help to get clear on why he thought it was okay to cheat on you rather than deal with you directly about his issues with your relationship. And you, my dear NFaye, need support in your own healing. There is a reason you have wound up with two untrustworthy men in a row. That is NOT to say you deserve this. You do NOT. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness and decency. But...I suspect there's something about how you treat yourself, whether you set clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate and you and your partner's ability to address inevitable issues in your relationship that is causing problems. So that stuff needs to be addressed and that's part of YOUR healing. That's how you move past the pain of this and begin to insist that only people capable of treating you with honesty and respect are welcome in your life.So that' where I would begin. By seeking a counsellor help you in your healing. I would insist that your SO seek help for himself. I would insist that he offer you total transparency -- where he is, who he's with, what he's doing. That's how trust gets rebuilt. By you seeing, day after day, that he's behaving with integrity.And then...it's time. Time to process this. Time to see the changes in him. Time to heal your own heart.
NFaye, I totally understand how you feel, almost everything you said happened to me word by word. Except I found out recently my SO's "craxy ex" has a baby with him. He also took me away from a dark place after being betrayed by a SO prior to him and being emotionally and physically abused from a man I lived with even prior to that. MY SO was my best friend, my support and my everything. I hope that I could over come this some day. NFaye, if you love that man, try to work it out, and be grateful that you guys have another opportunity together and that he hasn't gotten anyone else pregnant. Everything will be fine.
I just found this site today and it's such a relief to read the words here instead of talking my friend's ears off again when I don't feel like they can understand anyway.I found out that my husband was having an affair on May 28th. On May 29th, he said he wasn't willing to go to counseling so I felt like I had no option but to agree to the divorce. We said we'd try to keep things friendly and we have. Things have not been easy- I went on our ten year anniversary trip by myself. In the early stages I repeatedly told him I'd like to try to work it out but he continued to see her and I moved out. Our date with divorce court is this Tuesday and this past Tuesday he sent me an email expressing remorse but saying he was afraid it was too late. I asked if he was serious and we met for lunch and he said sorry and cried and agreed to counseling. He said he'd break up with her that night. He chickened out but did it the next night but has cried about this and said he's depressed and having panic attacks and wondering if he's doing the right thing. ME TOO! Now I am thinking be careful what you wish for because it actually seemed easier when the choice was taken away from me. I've told him this guarantees nothing, just that we will try. I am afraid even letting him back in my life makes me weak but I have been in counseling for 6 months and I have hope that I will be able to set boundaries. I wouldn't have thought that I had the right to demand access to email, texts, etc. so for that I am grateful I found this site. It's going to be an interesting few days...
Anonymous,I hope that he truly seeks your forgiveness and commits to reconciliation. Pulling for you!
Hey Anonymous 1217,If you're still out there, let us know how it went today -- your court day.I thought your comment about not knowing you had "the right" to demand access to email etc was interesting. My H gave me all that unprompted by me -- part of his desperate freak-out upon being caught. Reading your comment, I am wondering if I would have had the sense to demand it had he not offered it... I don't think I would have. A year and a half later -- Hell yes I do! Grateful to read your comment to remind myself of how much I've grown. Sounds like you are on the right track -- best of luck with court and all the rest.
Hi Everyone,Although I am not married, I myself have been involved in a tragic betrayl. 2 days ago I found out for certain that "my boyfriend" of 2.5 years (that I though I knew so well) has a baby with another woman. I am so confused because I spent almost every weekend with him, we are on the phone multiple times a day. So, I have no idea how he had time, not only to cheat on me but also, have a baby, be there for delivery and take the baby to his grandparents to meet. Let me back up a bit. So, a few times 1.5 years ago, I would received text from another girl stating she was his girlfriend, but he denied it and said it was a crazy ex-girlfriend. Which I believed because he was always so loving, kind "honest", and we spent most of our time together either by phone or in person. Since then, I have been so paranoid that he would be unfaithful to me. And he would make constant contact with me by phone to ensure me he wasn't doing anything bad. I loved this man more than I loved anyone in my life, to the point where I had laporoscopic surgery to remove endometrioses so that I can have a successful pregnancy. I desired a baby with him so badly, more than anything, and he knew this. I started to notice that anytime I would bring up my desire for a baby or talk about anyone's baby, he would quickly change the subject. I just thought maybe the thought of kids scares him and he wasn't ready for them. So 5 days ago, I get a call from him and he lets me know he was going to downtown to have some drinks with some old buddies. I had a really bad feeling, so I told him that I thought it was not a good idea if he went, I expressed my concern but he responded with "everything is going to be fine" and I said, "no it isn't" and I hung up then texted him and told him that I wasn't sure why we were still together and maybe I should let him be free. Nothing I had been through in my life would prepare me for what I had coming. an hour later I get a text from his phone asking "who is this?" we have a baby together" and the picture flow in. There was picture of him in his apartment holding what appears to be a 3 month old baby, then a pic of him at the hospital with a gown and mask next to the girl who is laying in the hospital bed, and a picture of an old couple holding a newborn, which I believe are his grandparents. Seeing this made me throw up, release everything in my intestines and I had a nervous breakdown. For the next 3 days I made various attempt to contact him with no success, I even tried to call him from a different number on Google Voice. Finally do days ago, I decided to pay him a visit, but he was at work. I texted him with another phone number using Google Voice. finally he responded to the text and was asking who I am, I told them that he knew who I was and that I was going to kill myself thanks to him. He said to me " everything is my fault, please font say things like that" he finally anwered the phone and when he confirmed it was true, I felt in that instant that I died. I yelled at the top of my lungs like I never had before, my arms and neck felt hot and tingly, I no longer felt like a human, but a entity of negative energy. He said to me " I wanted a life with you, that why I continued a relationship. I didn't want any of this. This is a nightmare for me to." After that I felt suicidal I wanted to take something to numb the pain, which I did. He made numerous attempts to contact me to make sure I wasn't going to harm myself. He even texted my mom. He said he didn't respond the last few days because he was afraid of this confrontation and to loose me. I am still in shock, and cant believe this is all happening to me. I fear I will fall into a deep depression. Writting this has giving me a little bit of piece. I hope this was the appropriate blog to express my self too. How did you guys over come this? I fell I wont be able to and that I will fall into a deep depression, please help. Thanks.
If I was not married I would not stay with him.
Unknown I'm so sorry you have found yourself with a man leading a double life. For what ever reason he decided to cheat the first time and that's all it takes to get pregnant. It's been a year since he chose to step out on you. Betrayal sends most of us into a depression but how we choose to deal with the pain of it can get easier with therapy. Start with your regular doctor and say to him/her, I have been betrayed and I am depressed and feeling suicidal. This is not a time to try to be going through this by yourself. Now is not the time to think about him how hard this is on him but time to be kind and gentle with yourself. This isn't easy whether you're married to the man or just in a relationship that you hope leads to marriage! Hugs!
Unknown, I hope you're still on this site somewhere. I'm sorry I didn't get to your message before this. Please find yourself some professional help to support you as you work through the incredible pain and trauma of such a betrayal. This man is showing you who he is -- someone who cheats, who lies, and who then runs for the pain that HE caused you. He's a coward. You do NOT want this guy in your life.Please...find a counsellor who can begin to help you heal from this. If you're tempted to hurt yourself, call a suicide hotline. You have a full life ahead of you but this guy should NOT be in it. It will hurt, yes. But not forever. And the day will come when you realize that you escaped a life with someone who doesn't deserve you.
BookingsHiMy Story started end of September this year. Just by chance I saw a restaurant booking for a restaurant my H and I go to. I questioned him and he made a few excuses. I knew something was not right. I looked for evidence and found 6 years or more of sexting between him and women where he built relationships up over the internet or he met out and about. Always telling them he was separated. The last one he has admitted to sleeping with. There was a time some meeting was on and I have to read my H saying how sexy someone was and he gave the room number he was on saying come on you only live once. I can't get hold of this girl to see if they slept together. She lives in the states. I confronted him again. He said he knows he has done wrong and he does not want to lose me. So he told me that he has seen a girl he met at the gym but just for meals but he did meet her to tell her he was finished that night but not for the meal at our restaurant. I rang this girl but she would not answer. I asked him to be transparent and let me know if he was calling her or vice Versa. He promised on the children's lives he would. Anyway end of October she called him. He did not tell me. She said they trained a few times together and he massaged her neck in the gym and they kissed. They then saw each other over 2 years or so. But it was casual and they slept together a couple of times. Once in a hotel and once at hers. Was it more who knows. But there must be something in him that woman don't want to commit to as during this time she met the man she married. My H found out and said let's still Meet up the dreaded DD. Why she did I don't know. But she said my H has asked what boundaries were in place now she is married and believed if she had said yes to sex that night he would have done. They ate in the restaurant we go to and then to a very expensive bar we go to after. She also gave names of other restaurants. All of which he takes me too. That we found together. So one month he sits there with me and the next with this girl. What is worse is that I then found out last week that they had called each other. My H had said for her to not call on personal phone but work phone and then gave work email. He said because I was calling her and he wanted to end the pain and save his marriage. So why give other sources of communication. If he said just talk to my wife why not tell me himself he had slept with her. No the coward waited for her to do it. Then I find another message to a girl young enough to be his daughter. He met on a train coming home. Then saw her for a year. Three of them over the same 2 years. He promised he had never gone to Covent Garden as we go all the time but only last week I find out he had taken her to my very favourite restaurant. I'm totally devastated. I feel I have been replaced. Why would you sit with your wife but then take someone else. He was in a fog. Took me for granted. But all of a sudden I'm good enough. It's me he wants. All these woman have been younger and attractive. I will never feel good enough again. I feel my marriage has been a lie. But this hit me like a train at full speed. I really did not know. We were happy at least I thought we were. We had regular sex. I trained hard. Now I dream of dying. I love this man with all my heart. I always have. My heart says believe him my brain says you can't because he lies. He wants to do counselling and so do I. I have really tried to keep it together for the kids but I'm breaking. I cry most days. He only gives away what I know. please help me. I just don't know what to do. Nothing is real anymore. Sorry it's such a lot and very disjointed but there is so much.
This is such a roller coaster. Definitely do the MC. It is hard and beneficial - both. Don't make any decisions now. Surround yourself with people who see your worth. Put your health first. I know all easier said than done. I am 2 months out from DDay and I am just starting to be more than a shell of who I was. I met with a priest today and he helped me work on getting my faith back. I lost it for the past few weeks and lost myself in the process. I love my H and I hope we can come out of this stronger than before the A. One day at a time.
Broken,So many of us have there. Wishing we could just die to end the pain. Not ever believing that we'll get past this.I promise you, you will.Right now, be gentle with yourself. Do as much reading as you can so that you understand his affairs have nothing to do with you. It's not that YOU aren't good enough, it's that HE isn't good enough. He's seeking to fill some emptiness with the excitement and distraction and escape that affairs create. They're not real. That's HIS problem, not yours.You get to decide whether or not you rebuild your marriage but, if you think you want to, then counselling is crucial. He needs to commit to absolutely no contact with any of these women and he needs to give you access to any and all devices so that you can monitor his communication. This isn't about punishing him or treating him like a child, it's about rebuilding trust and the only way to do that is to ensure that he's behaving in a trustworthy manner. Trust will take a LONG time to rebuild but there can be NO secrets anymore.
Dear unknown. It is very sad that you are writing on xmas day. I have been with my H for 28 years and had no idea he was going behind my back. I have dragged myself through xmas. Love my H very much but also feel that I could die. I even looked at how I could do it quickly. Still wish I could but I have children. Plus why let the people who hurt us choose our destiny. My friend had a similar experience and is now getting married. We have to find some hope. I hope I can. Please be strong as you would tell me to be. I just wish this club was where we could all meet and support each other. I hope you can talk to someone. I know I need to before I collapse and crack up. Thinking of you.
Please find yourself a counsellor who can support you through this. It's so hard, especially when you have children and feel as though you have to put on a brave face for them. A good therapist will guide you through the pain and help you begin to heal.
Hi, I wrote on here a few days ago but decided to rewrite my story a little bit.August2016 found out my boyfriend of 3 yrs had a 3 yrs affair with his ex wife. Yep.He started the affair 2 months into our new relationship. The OW called & told me about their love affair. She gave me Details & proof to back it up. She had 3 yrs of some recordings of them having sex,conversation where he talks really bad about me & my kids even heard him call me "cunt" texts/pictures, locations where they did it.Dates.She hoped that I would be done with him so she can have him again. I don't understand why,she made rude comments about their sex life, how she had to fake it, it wasn't good e.c.t.(which to me it's so not true) At first I didn't tell bf that she given me all this proofs. I started asking my questions & started realizing that he was totally lying to my face.Eventually I told him I had proof & need him to stop lying to me.The "I don't remember" started in, following the questions.He will not offer info on his own. Says what he know I knows only. It came to I didn't want to tell you truth because I didn't want you to be angry & flip out on me or I didn't want to hurt you. Having said that, he does feel remorseful & showing & doing everything he can to prove that he can be trusted again. How much he loves me. But that started to fade away alittle down to why can't you live in the NOW.Everything is NOW.I love you NOW.I want you NOW. I need you NOW.NOW I'm happy with you. I hate the word NOW. It didn't help that I had graphics details.NOW When him & I have sex I get so sad because of her recordings of them having sex i hear what he says.and its the same things he says to me that he said to her.My mind, heart,soul is shattered & destoryed. We are going to therapist 1-2 a week. I'm completely at a lost on how to feel right now. I get so angry with myself for even still loving a man that disrespected me & degradating me when he have sex with her & comes home has me give bj/sex when he never showered.women out there reading this. You really don't want to know the details. You may think you do but either way it will destroy the image of the person you thought was your soulmate. Good luck to you women.
He is going to repeat the behavior. Let her have him. You deserve better. Betrayal hurts but you don't have a legal or religious region to stay. I think many of us who are married wish we had learned who our CH's really are before we walked down the aisle. I would not have married him if I had known he would become a serial cheater. But now we have decades of history and children together. It is worse to leave than stay at this point.
yeah, I'm with anonymous (above). This guy is toxic and completely unwilling to accept responsibility for what he did. Screw the "now" stuff. That's convenient for someone who doesn't want to accept that "then" for him is "now" for you because you didn't know what was going on. Dump him. Tell him..."now".
Anonymous Jan4,I'm glad you are going to a therapist. I recommend that you find the support of an individual counselor as well. The fact is you've got a lot of pain yet to face because of his betrayal, whether or not you decide to keep him in your life. I don't believe he necessarily will repeat the behavior. He may be ready to change his life for the better. Only he can decide that -- but you can decide whether it makes sense for you to stick around to find out. A counselor can help you on your own journey. At the least, he must understand the depth of your pain, he must understand you aren't going to just get over it, now or ever, and he must understand the value of becoming the man you both deserve. And you both need to know that it still might not be enough -- betrayal is heavy. I wish the best for you. Hugs.
I never questioned our love. It was close to perfect for 17 of 21 years together. Now I wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again. We had our ups and downs and have overcome a lot, but his betrayal is by far the most painful I've ever chosen to endure.I realized something was different back in early September 2016 when he was being secretive with his phone. I questioned him and he said he was using it for his alarm clock. When it went MIA, I questioned again and he said he was using it to check sport scores. He changed his password and got mad when I confronted him but I told him his behavior was suspicious. I've never been a jealous person and this was driving me nuts. I told him that and he assured me nothing was going on. This went on for 9 agonizing weeks and The first D day was 11/06/16 when I caught him on the phone and confronted him. He denied it at first and finally told me that he had been texting with a girl he met through work, met for lunch once and kissed her once. I found a pair of her panties in his car later that night and he said she gave then to him and nothing happened. We went to see our therapist the next day and he said he would break it off cause he loved me and wanted things to work out. He never did and the standoffish and secretive behavior continued but he assured me that it was over. The second D day was 12/1/16. I caught him texting her again. He denied it again but finally admitted that he never broke it off, that is was a sexual relationship and that it was with a friend of mine. I was fucking devastated.It's over now. I text her that day and told her if she was ever my friend, to back off and leave him alone. She did. I told him that he has no integrity and that I wasn't sure I was staying in the marriage. He begged me to give him another chance to proved that he loves me and that he feels very guilty over what he did. I asked if he felt guilty cause he got caught or cause he really feels bad. He said cause he feels terrible. He said me finding out the ugly truth lifted a veil and he now saw how badly his behavior has been. He also admitted to treating me badly for several years and wants to spend the rest of his life repairing all of that. I told him that I am going to focus on taking care of me first and it was up to him if he wanted to attempt salvaging what is left of the marriage.It's been 5 weeks since D day2 and he has really come around. He is very present and communicative and it makes me happy but I'm still very guarded, understandably so. There are good days and super bad days, like today. This has shattered my world. I've always been a trusting person, but this doubt and uneasy suspicion is maddening. I hate feeling the way I do. I hate the hole that was created within me and within our relationship. While I know that nothing is guaranteed in life other than death, the knowledge and discomfort of that reality is crushing at times. The person I trusted the most and felt safest with is no longer trust worthy. I want so much to love him freely but I'm afraid to. I know I will survive this but it feels like I will never truly be free to love him completely and that makes me so sad. Living day by day, moment by moment is all I have, but do I want to take the gamble with him? I hate how this has changed my life. Does it ever get better?
Dazed and confusedI'm so sorry you find yourself among us, but we're the best group to be around when you begin this journey. Yes it gets better but there's lots of worse in between. 5 weeks is still so soon. His behavior and ability to commit to the marriage will determine how long it takes to get to the better. Keep reading this blog, get therapy . But most of all give yourself time. Time to accept the ugly truth of what he did to your marriage and trust. Be kind to yourself . This is not your fault this is all on him. He needs to own how much pain he's caused you! Hugs! It's a long walk to the other side of heartbreake of this magnitude!
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Thank you Theresa.This blog has been a life saver. He gets what he did and some what gets how it's affected me and the relationship. He has been very open to me venting and offers comfort, but I'm so done with the all encompassing sadness and confusion and spending days at a time in bed. I'm exhausted and wonder often if he is worth it. It's so sad
Dazed and Confused, The short answer is yes, it gets better. But I think that holds true whether you stay or go. If you stay, it only gets better if your husband is willing to do the incredibly hard work of reinvesting himself in the marriage, getting to the root of why he cheated, and supporting you as you go through the long painful road toward healing. It doesn't come easy but he can do a lot just by acknowledging how much pain he's caused and supporting you in whatever way you need.
Thank you Elle. We are both in a confused and conflicted space. We love each other but I'm afraid of his choosing to not stay with me. He says he wants to, I worry that he will discover himself with therapy and not want me. I want to stay and find out but wonder if I should leave and just avoid finding out he doesn't. The betrayal was recent but his disconnect and disregarding behavior has been around for 4 years. He sees it all now..how he treated me and all the shit, and feels terrible about it all. His therapy starts today. I hope he in for the long haul
I found out about my husband about 2 years ago. I had went to the Dr for an "issue" and discovered I had an std. He then became truthful...well sort of. He told me he had cheated with a woman off craigslist. A random thing because I made him feel unwanted. I am going to fast forward to now. I found an old email account of his amd discovered he was hooking up with men! I have never been so shocked in my life. I confronted him. He told me that he made up the original story with the woman from CL and that he met a man. The email he had written was from almost 8 years ago. He insists though he never hooked up with any guys until recently. He said he isn't gay but just curious. He said once he met the guy he realized he couldn't go through with it. I didn't exactly believe him so I pushed on and found out he had cheated with a woman right after we were married. I am trying not to go through all of the details to bore you all. I guess I am just curious to know what you all think. Do you think he sent gay emails to guys to hook up, but not actually go through with it until 8 years later. Also, is it common for guys to just meet a random person online for sex one time. Or do they generally continue on? Thanks for any insight!
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's excruciating to discover an affair and crazier still when the truth is so bizarre. For some people, including my husband, sex is an addiction and the stakes gets higher as they engage in riskier behaviour to get that same "high". While my husband isn't gay (though I guess anyone capable of sex with men is "bi"), he sought out sex with men because it was easy and quick and different. And there was less chance of an emotional entanglement.But your husband needs to figure out for himself what the hell he's been doing...and why. In the meantime, you need to tend to your own pain. Be gentle with yourself. Try and be patient and give yourself time to absorb all of this. I imagine you're still a bit in shock. Trust that you can take time to figure out your next step.
Anonymous, I really think he needs to go to IC and discover if he is gay or was just curious. If he is gay then can he commit to being faithful to you? If he is not gay (and maybe also if he is), then you need to go to MC together. Without therapy I fear the cycle will not be broken and you will be in for more pain. I would also see if you can read more on this particular subject and gain some further insight.
Anon, if he is a sex addict there is hardly a limit as to who they will have sex with. your husband may or may not be gay or bi, but he also might be an addict, which is what m H is, so i am not shocked by anything much anymore. Here is who i know my H did NOT have sex with--Kids, Animals. The rest was all his addiction.
Thanks for responding. He completely denies any addiction. I feel he has an addiction. It blows my mind how you can cheat on your spouse with practically anyone and not feel enough guilt to come clean. We have gone to therapy, but we had a crappie therapist. My husband feels he doesn't need therapy. He says his indiscretions were because of curiosity (which in his mind isn't cheating because it is with a man). The other reason is because he learned his lesson the first time. So he knows he won't ever cheat on me again.I found the woman he had cheated with. She is almost 30 years older than us. We are attractive and fit. She is overweight and less attractive than me. I was actually appalled when I seen her. Knowing he could have sex with someone who looks like that, I know there was more people he has slept with. Reason being is if he'd lay in bed with that, I am sure he'doesn't not miss an opportunity to lay with someone hot. My life has been a toss up the past few years. I get passed it then resort back to it all. Do woman ever really move forward?
Anonymous,Yes, women really move forward but not with a partner who refuses to genuinely acknowledge the problem and the pain that he's caused. Or rather, in those cases, they move forward without the partner. Your husband doesn't get to call the shots anymore. He blew it. The whole "I don't need therapy. I learned my lesson" stuff is the anthem of men who fear what they might find out if they really look at the choices they've made. It sounds as if you don't for a second believe that the's told you the entire truth. And that's a real problem. Because if he won't share with you what happened, there's no reason to believe he won't continue to lie in the future. And if he hasn't done that real reckoning with a therapist, where he truly understands the depth of the pain he's caused to not only you but himself, then what's to stop him?The reason you're not able to move past this is because it's not over for you. There's too many loose ends. As Steam above so often says, "your heartbreak, your rules". You get to decide what reconciliation looks like. You get to decide what you require from him to move forward. If he chooses to say 'no', then that's valuable information for you to have. Because that makes it clear that your pain doesn't matter enough to him for him to make himself uncomfortable.
My husband left me 3 weeks ago. Until now he still would not admit about the affair and I know for a fact that they are already open to the OW's co-workers. He is making me look bad to his family. He always lies. He does not care who he hurts as long as his image is clean. He is very selfish. He does not want get an annulment. I told him that he should be open about this since he was the one who left, and he was the one who did not want to fix the marriage. He says that he still thinks of me everyday and that he would not be the same without me. We only have minimal communication and we have not seen each other since then. He is currently living in his parents house since his parents would not allow him to leave. Is there still hope for our marriage? It is so hard. Please help me.
Anonymous,I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you found us. I hope you've been reading (and maybe even posting) here. I also hope you've found support "in real life" to help you through the agony of betrayal. A few things to absolutely trust in: You will get through this. I promise you that. The pain does abate but it takes a long time. Start by setting clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. If he even wants you to consider staying married, he needs to establish No Contact with the Other Woman and he needs to give you total access to any and all forms of communication with her. If he violates that, then you need to be clear on what the consequences are. Separation? File for divorce? He moves onto the couch? Your call...but enforce it. And, above all, take care of yourself. Treat yourself the way you'd treat a wounded child. Gently. With incredible compassion.
My husband works at night. I work in the morning. We have 2 kids, ages 6 and 3. Didn't really feel anything was up as he is his usual self except when he started locking his phone, he just said he leaves his phone on his work desk so he needs it secured. He shared his lock code after that. He started a new hobby. And became busy with that, I supported him. His new hobby started taking all of his time weekdays and over the weekend... Today, I came home early from work and he was still asleep. I moved out his phone from the dock because it was left charging and it's already 100%. Then the phone unlocked, with no passcode. I don't usually check his phone.. and when i do i go over photos and sometimes check the messages list just to see who he has been messaging. Today i found a new name on the list and was not familiar. I opened the message and saw sweet exchanges. I woke him up to ask. He said "I made a mistake". With those words. I was shattered. I stormed out of the room and drove off. Went to the church where we got married, parked and cried hard. I am broken. I never expected I would be where I am right now... It was not in his character to cheat. But i tried to make sure I take care of myself and give him attention to make sure he won't look for it elsewhere... I am lost. I have never spoken any work about this to any one. Not my family. Not his family. Not my friends, nor his, not even our close friends. I want to overcome this.... and hope that things will get better. But not now. not now. I am not ready yet. Everything is hazy. I don't even know if he wants to save our marriage. I haven't gone home.. I don't know what to do if i do go home... Thank you for this blog site, I am able to vent out what I am feeling...
I'm glad you found us Anonymous. I hope you've continued to read and get support from the incredible women on this site. If you have, you've likely read all sorts of stories that sound like your own. Please read my response to Anonymous (above) about the initial steps to take. You need to take care of yourself. You need to establish clear boundaries. And you need to trust that you will get through this. The day will come when this will be part of your story, not the whole of it.
Thank you to the owner of this blog. I have been looking for a portal to tell my story. I am just not ready to do it right now.
Anonymous,I'm glad you found us. I created this site so that women like us had a safe space to come and seek support and read others' stories and know that we will get through the excruciating pain of betrayal and come out the other side. Whenever you're ready, please know that there is an army of women here who know your pain. We cry together, we laugh together, we support each other. You are safe here.
I just found out less than a week ago that my husband of 22 years my bestfriend has been cheating on me for almost a year. I feel so lost right now he of course says it meant nothing and wants to work it out and there is a part of me on some days that says well maybe and on other days says no way. A lot of the stories I have read the women have small children so I think I understand that but we have raised our children so what I guess I need help with is when that has been taken from the equation why did some of you decide to stay and try to work it out?
Anonymous April 7/2017You asked why I decided to stay and fight for my marriage! Because until my h got to the end of his rope in our day to day life after raising our children to adulthood and two grandchildren, decided he wanted to try 'new sex'. What's comically called a mid life crisis. Why did I choose to stay? Because he chose to change his priorities and finally put 'our' relationship first! But it's been a rough three years for us and he's the one that hurt himself more. That's what he finally realized not to mention having to own how much he hurt me and and the cow that he chose! God only knows I could write another book but it's not much different than my mothers story that is the root of all my issues! God bless you and the walk you just began! It's a rough rocky path but so worth it if you take care of you first and then decide what's next! Hugs!
Thank you so much for your reply it really means a lot. What I am struggling the most with right now is why he didn't love us enough to end it he says he loves me and its over and wants to work it out but a year is a long time I just wish he had something more to say.
Anonymous,The first thing you need to know about cheating is that it has nothing to do with you and how much he loved you. It sounds crazy, I know. But it's the absolute truth. Affairs are an escape, not unlike drugs or booze. And plenty of people who love their spouses are alcoholics or addicts. When he says it meant "nothing", he's likely telling you the truth in that SHE meant nothing. The affair itself meant escape, it meant a reprieve from feelings of failure or anxiety or loneliness or regret or fear or whatever it is that keeps him up at night wondering about his life. And that's the thing: once these guys get caught, they realize they don't want out of their marriage, they just want to feel better and they have no idea how to achieve that.Which is where therapy comes in. Whether or not you stay or go, the choice is yours. But start with seeking counselling for yourself and encouraging him to seek counselling for himself. Far better to make your choice from relatively solid ground than to react out of nothing but pain and confusion. There's a ton of info on this site, Anonymous, that can help you better understand how a "good" guy can do a horrible thing. And how YOU can heal yourself no matter what path you choose.
We have started therapy both together and one on one which for the first time in his life he set up on his own. I do want to try and make this work I feel like I have lost me best friend I just don't know where to even start.
I was with my boyfriend for just over two years. it was unfortunately long distance but I thought we did everything we could to make it work. He's very attractive and has slot of close female friends, at first I felt this difficult to accept but over time chose to trust him. He had cheated in past relationships and promised me that he was young then and has learned from his mistakes. Yet two nights ago he revealed to me that had a 6 month affair with his best friend. And when we broke up in October last year because the long distance was too hard for him, I have just found out he drove straight to another city to be with his best friend who he'd been fucking. During our breakup we discussed getting back together when we'd done some individual work on ourselves and again I find out out that he was telling her the same thing. I am in shock. My whole system feels betrayed. He lied so fucking well and for so long. He lived a double life and I am speechless. He took a year to tell me. 6 months after we've broken up and 2 months after he officially ended it with her because he realised what he'd lost and that he's still in love with me.He says he did it because he didn't feel heard or understood. I am trying my best to understand everything so I can make a conscious decision and heal myself. He asks for my forgiveness one day and has agreed to seek therapy, tell all of his friends and family what he has done (in hopes he can stop this behaviour), he has cut all ties with the person he had an affair with. I told him because I care about him and for better or worse still love him, that I will work with him to heal, to begin building trust again in the hopes I can believe what he now says. But I said I will not promise anything to him m, I cannot promise that I will ever get over this or feel ready to be in a relationship with him again after such betrayal, he played me incredibly well, I cannot believe what he actually did and the way he was able to cover it up so smoothly and for so long.It makes me sick. Every cell in my body feels betrayed and violated. And apparently I'm the last to know. Apparently so many knew but me.I don't want to forgive him, how am I supposed to forgive him, yet somehow I still see the love I have for him. I'm so confused and broken hearted. I just don't understand who does this to someone.
Hurt people hurt people. Broken people do this because they're broken. That's it. It's not about you at all. He didn't do this because he didn't feel misheard and misunderstood. He did this because he didn't know how to be an adult in a relationship and TELL YOU that he didn't feel heard or understood. Far easier to distract himself with someone else. Far easier to avoid a tough conversation. Far easier to avoid being vulnerable to you.He has betrayed you in the worst possible way -- violating your trust, lying to your face, deceiving you repeatedly. And he's asking for you to forgive him because he finally realized what he stands to lose.It's your choice, of course. And I don't doubt that you still have love for him. But he can't yet love you back in a healthy way because he doesn't know what that looks like.He needs to fix himself where he's broken. And you get to choose whether you stick around for that or whether you don't. I promised my husband that I would be his friend through this (he was, after all, the father of our three children) but that I couldn't guarantee anything else. I didn't know how I'd feel in a month, or three, or 12. I would encourage you to get support for your pain right now. Find a counsellor who can help you work through the betrayal. Read what you can on this site or others. And I applaud what you're doing to give yourself the space you need to heal. To make it clear to him that you can't promise him anything. You can love someone but still recognize that they aren't good for you, that they can't give you the love you need and deserve.It's a long road and given the problems you've had in your relatively short relationship, I'd be inclined to heal and move on. However, as you know, it's your call.
Thank you so much ladies!I've never been cheated on before and this has totally blind sided me. It's ironic that for the first time in 3 years I actually believe him more now and understand more about our relationship than I did at any other time. It's difficult because although we are still young and in our early mid 30's, we'd planned to have a family and build a future together. The betrayal is very deep. He has however began telling all of his family and friends exactly what he has done. He is facing the consequences of his actions. He is beginning therapy and invited me to come along. He has said the ball is in my court and he is prepared to do the work necessary. He's also admitted that he's a sex addict. It's a lot. To take in all at once. So yes I've said I'll be his friend and stand by him while he gets help but I reminded him that I am doing this primarily to help myself first. I do have a therapist and I'm more than familiar with working through traumas. It's true what you said about your own experience that the future is unforeseeable. I'm usually very good at seeing the direction I want to go. It's blank right now and I'm happy about that to be honest. I know I'm not going to make a quick decision. I can and will take as many months of not years to decided for myself if he really is worth inviting back into my life.Thank you again!
Well all my world came crashing down 6 weeks ago. I am still finding out things and getting kicked while I am down. My husband had been acting wierd and distant for a couple weeks. He was hiding his phone and being very mean to me. I hacked his facebook and seen a bunch of messages back and forth from him to his ex from highschool. They were saying horrible things about being in each others arm and that they loved each other. I confronted him and he told me he was just here for our 4 year old and he was planning on leaving me in a couple weeks for his ex. I told him to get the hell out now! He packed and left. Since then he has treated me horrible, no remorse, barely helping with the bills and food. He left with all the money and left me with all our responsibilities. We have 4 dogs, a cat, snake, many bills and we live on and run a dog rescue as a team, or so I thought. Well he still works here so comes by all the time just to mess with my mind and see his son. I can't stand it much longer. He even stooped so low as to bring this other woman to volunteer at the rescue that we ran together. How could he even stoop that low and hurt me more? He didn't think he was wrong by doing so. I have cried for weeks and he just easily replaces me with another woman and thinks life is great. WTF? When i confronted him he said "you are just jealous", and that I am just making it personal. This is work, he can bring whoever he wants. I happen to be the manager so I replaced him with someone else to go to evets where he was bringing his lover so at least that is over for now. He is still here though. Now I just found out that he is on match.com and other xxx sex hook up sites. He is just disgusting! How could he leave our family just to screw a bunch of women? I am trying to come to terms with all this, I thought we were a happy family. He is going to drive me crazy I think? I know the universe has something better planned for me than to be with such a prick that doesn't love me. I just need to be able to get through this pain and grief.
Anonymous 5/29 - browyneyedgirl has given you some great advise, so I am posting to let you know you have so much support here. He will try and make you crazy, making you take blame for his shitty actions, which is just to deflect him looking like the creep that his is. He's not caring for you so don't give him any satisfaction of falling in a heap. Really look after yourself and your son just to shove it up him!!!! You have a compassionate heart already as shown with the dog rescue - you are an amazing woman.HugsGabby xo
Oh Anonymous 5/29, I am so sorry for the pain your CH has put you through. I hope you can put your energy into yourself and your child and also get yourself a reputable attorney and an individual counselor. I hope your CH quickly recognizes what a bad choice he has made but until he does (or does not) you need to protect yourself. The universe DOES have something better planned for you! I'm sending you a big virtual hug. Please consider giving yourself a singing name on here and keep coming back for support. I am only 6 mos out but I remember 6 weeks vividly. Do your best to try and get some sleep (even if you have to take medicine to do it) and try to get some nutrition (even if it's only a smoothie) - it wasn't until I started getting a few hours of sleep a night until I could function at any reasonable level again. Just focus on today - the only way through it is one day at a time. When you focus on small milestones (like just making it through today) it's not as daunting as trying to figure out what you want to do long-term (or even next week).
Hmm. I wish it was still just a relationship. But I'm married already. I wasn't in a hurry to be married. I've had some hard knocks in life and I wanted to be sure before committing. My friends loved him. My family loved him. He was mushy. I eventually gave in and then I went all in . I felt I deserved to be loved by someone who was so proud of me, who supported me and who seemingly declared his love on the rooftops. I never saw him as perfect in fact i was convinced I saw his flaws. I do not consider myself a starry eyed bride. But my wedding day was one of the most peaceful days of my life. No cold feet. Not that everything was perfect. But I was so serene sure that this man meant what he said that he wanted to take care of me. Little did I know that he had been cheating on me already. I thought I understood cheating. I believed you would begin to be suspicious if you saw signs of your partner changing. Withdrawing, secretive, complaining, uncommunicative. There was none of that. We talked everyday. We shared the same faith and values. There were no locks on his phone. The day I found out was not because I was actually suspecting anything but I had picked up his phone randomly cos a name he mentioned seemed odd. Maybe rang an alarm. I had picked up his phone a couple of times in the relationship too just out of curiousity not suspicion. I saw nothing. And now I see everything. And they are too disgusting to repeat . It sounds like sex addiction. He had brought it into my marriage placed it on me...a burden I don't want or need. He didn't have the balls to tell me. I had to discover it myself. And then he confesses everything. He blames no one but himself. It wasn't me. It was him. And he should have dealt with it. He's going to meetings, he's taking the venting, he is apologizing over and over. But how I wish I knew all this a year before. I would probably still be single.
Anonymous,I have been exactly where you are, though it was 10 years into my marriage that I discovered my husband's sex addiction, which pre-dated our wedding. Keep reading here. Take as much time as you need to figure out what's next for you. I know how devastated you feel but please know things will get better. I promise.
Thanks Elle. I'm about one month out now. And it seems the first two weeks were actually the ones I coped with really well. I work in mental health so I can have an understanding of how addictions work but it hasn't spared me the pain. I have subsequently fallen apart with panic attacks, vomiting and loads of other physical health stuff that would have been more scary if I hadn't known it was all psychologically induced. But things are tight and I can't take time off work. At least he does all the housework now( he was helping quite a bit before but now I've left it all) I wonder if other people have had prolonged physical health issues from the betrayal and how did they deal with this? I'm having some online counselling at the moment. And Elle did you contact COSA and were they helpful? Because they are taking forever to get back to me.
So here I am at a site that I never once in my marriage ever thought I would need to keep breathing every day. I have been married to my husband for what is to soon be 16 years. I discovered on my own on my birthday that my husband had been lying to me for over 10 months about an affair he had with a former older married coworker. Two weeks before the day I made the big discovery, I had come home early one afternoon to catch him having phone sex with her via social media while she was at work in her office. I stood there listening in complete disbelief unable to say a word and his words still resonate in my mind today. I told him to pack his bags and get out. He did. We have a daughter that I need to protect and think of. I allowed him to come home to try to work on everything for the sake of my daughter and for me to be able to say to myself that I didn't just give up without at least trying. Things were improving. He apologized and was remorseful for the phone sex and I believed him; however, I am a very strong personality and I began digging for the truth because something just didn't feel right. The lies over the next two weeks just kept growing and becoming bigger and bigger and he was becoming more and more agitated with every question. I knew something wasn't right. On my birthday, I found the concrete evidence and he finally admitted to everything. He told me he only had sex with her the one time and felt horribly guilty as soon as he did. He said he was not her only conquest. He said a few days after he was intimate with her he called it off and had no further contact with her until she contacted him again two months ago via social media with the "do you remember" conversations followed by graphic photos. He admitted to the phone sex for at least 6-9 times in a one month period until I caught him. I have decided to not make any major life changes for at least 12 months. My husband has entered counselling both with me and on his own. We are having wonderful conversations that I believe are honest and coming from a positive place. Our marriage was riddled with stress and disconnect for many years prior to the affair. While our disconnect may have contributed to his past feeling of loneliness and lack of self worth; it was not an excuse for him to do what he did. He chose not to talk to me...he chose not to give me a chance to try to make things better...he chose to break the one and only promise to me that he ever made which was to never cheat on me...respect me enough to let me go first. I have decided that this can either be the best thing or the worst thing for my marriage. I have chosen to try to make it the best most awakening thing to happen to us. To create a new normal together as a couple who cooperatively communicates. I do have a problem though with the OW. I truly feel that her husband has a right to know. I am obsessed with thoughts of making this woman face the repercussions of her actions. Why should I be dealing with the brunt of this and her getting off scott free?? I don't know how the husband will react, and quite frankly I don't care; however, I really think he deserves the the truth to make and educated decision about his future. I fear though for the safety of my daughter, who does not know what really happened. I fear for the safety of my husband. I have all the phone records and some of the initial invitation emails and she knows I do...I wish that her knowing that would be enough comfort for me to let her go but it is not. I don't know how to get over this hatred that I have for her. I truly believe that she is not done with him and that scares me. I am about to start discussing this with my counsellor to gain some insight because right now I am lost and feeling such a roller coaster of emotions. Fortunately, my husband is working very hard to gain my trust again and I don't have any feelings of something being out of place.
Anonymous August 15, have you thought about having a singular communication to COW that she has X amount of time to come clean with her BH or that you are going to give him proof? My H's COW's BH knew and the 3 of them kept it from me for a decade then BH dropped the bomb on social media and I was excessively hurt. I should have been told a decade ago and it should have been by my CH. The COW's BH had the opportunity to make my CH do that but BH caved and then decided to be nasty a decade later to hurt my H through hurting me.
Anonymous, I agree that the husband deserves to know. I think anyone in a committed relationship deserves to know exactly who he/she is married to. I understand your concern re. your husband's safety though it's unlikely. Far more likely is that he, like you, would be shocked but suddenly able to understand his own marriage and any nagging doubts he had about it. You could contact him anonymously -- plant the seed that she's been unfaithful. Or you could simply tell him in the simplest terms possible and let him know that you are in the process of rebuilding your marriage, that your husband is deeply remorseful but that you think he deserves to know what his wife is doing.I'd hesitate to give her the chance to come clean because I highly doubt she'd be honest and forthright, if she told him at all. I wouldn't give her control of the narrative. However, your call, of course.
So I just found of that this is not the first affair that she has had and her husband knows about the other ones. Apparently, he has told her if she leaves, she leaves everything she has behind. Sounds like the husband does not care so long as she stays. I have decided that I am not going to waste my time and energy...karma is a bitch, especially in a small community and one day it will come around to bite her in the rear!!
Sounds like she's already living in a sort of hell. Trapped. Yuck. Time to focus on you and your own healing. Thanks for the update!
I wanted to say thank you for this blog and thank you for everyone sharing their stories, I am glad to see that I am not alone. I loved reading your stories in the comments, it really has helped me a lot. Well here is my story. Thanks for reading. It has been 6 months DDay. I am completely heartbroken. I have not been able to share this with anyone. I can't, I know my family and friends would hate him and they would judge me for staying and see us differently. His family would be in shock and would be greatly disappointed as I was because cheating was never in his character and quite honestly I am ashamed that I was cheated on and would rather not make this public. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, we are each other firsts and i thought we would be each other's only. Together 15 years, married 10. He's all I have known in a man. He was my everything. My husband, best friend, my absolute everything. If someone would've told me to bet 1million dollars that my husband would never cheat on me, I would have done it with my eyes closed! The night I found out, I got a hold of his phone that he never leaves unlocked so I got curious and opened the text messages. I read as much as the phone allowed me to go up, he was having a full blown affair with someone for the past 3 months. I couldn't rap my head around the fact that He had sex with someone else! I recall my body got so hot, i felt as though I couldn't breath, i starting crying. I tried to calm down so I could confront him. First thing I did when I saw him was slap him in the face. I started crying hysterically demanding answers. He tried to hide it, but he couldn't. Next 3 days I was totally depressed, cried all day and night, I couldn't sleep or drink. I had never felt such sadness and I really wished I would just leave this earth.
Part 2 On day 4, I realized my life and heart had been shattered but I needed to keep it together for my kids. My husband said he wanted to stay and work on us. I needed answers, I needed the truth and it was like pulling teeth with him about anything. Every answer was either he didn't remember or very vague in response. I've been to hell and back and hell and back and hell and back during these 6 months and I desire this to get better but as soon as it gets a little better, I find something else that he has done. 1 month post dday, I find out he's the one that desired to be with another women in bed, he's the one that did everything possible for her to fall into his arms and have sex with him. He says it happen twice. She wanted something serious, she wanted them to each leave their spouses and make a life together but my husband said no so she ended it. Had she have accepted to be the OW, they would've continued, I'm pretty sure. In fact 2 month post dday, I checked our phone records. After me finding out, they had a lot of text communication for 2 weeks. I was so fragile during that time and he was still texting with her? He says he was ending things but it shouldn't take 2 weeks to end something. I have become numb at everything. 3 month post dday, I check his solo bank account and see he's sent money internationally quite a bit, $1,600 to be exact. I ask him what that is about. And as if I'm not broken enough, I learn of a long distance emotional affair he's had for a year! 1 full year! Why, how? Omg all the feeling I felt on dday come back. He brushes it off by saying it was like a friend to him. I look her up on Facebook and it's a very ugly lady about 15-20 years older. Made me sick to my stomach. He said he had been cat fished and when he found out the truth, it was too late. On the phone records, I learned he still talked to her up until I caught him. After finding out of the catfish, that was his opportunity to end I would tell him. But his response was that he was scared that she'd tell me. Just recently last week I found a receipt of lunch for 2, I ask him and he denies and tried to lie about it. Turns out he saw an old coworker at the store and he invited her to have lunch, they drove 30 mins away to have lunch together because they knew what they were doing was bad. I felt everything all over again from dday. He was someone I didn't know. He had entered the cheating world and he liked it and I felt like his old self was gone forever. I cried for 1 whole week, as if grieving him. He, the man I thought I knew, had died, the husband next to me was someone new, someone I didn't sign up to be with. I wake up thinking about what he has done, think about everything throughout the day and my last thought before going to sleep is him and his cheating. I don't know how long I can take this pain. I feel as though my heart and soul have died, my body is the only thing living. He says he wants to stay, and I love him and don't think I could love without him but I do know I will not be able to take another blow to the head.
Noone, You are not No-one. You are someone. And I want you to make sure that you begin treating yourself as someone. Someone who is worthy of respect. Someone who is worthy of honesty. Someone who is worthy of decency and kindness.Your husband is in deep. He is behaving in a reckless way, while telling you that he wants to rebuild his marriage. He's either some sort of psychopath or he's completely out of control. But you are in control. I don't think he wants to lose you. And even though you don't want to lose him, you also don't want to continue to live with someone who doesn't seem capable of making moral choices or respecting his vows to you or proving to you that he deserves a second chance.So...you need to make some things really really clear to him. Number one: His other life is over. He either commits to getting help for himself and turning over any privacy to you or he leaves. Number two: He tells you every single detail of what he's been doing. Every. Single. Detail. The physical, the emotional, the online, the whatever. If you ask a question, he answers it honestly. If it turns out he has lied or minimized or somehow been dishonest, he leaves. He needs to understand that you giving him a second chance is the BEST DAMN THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO HIM. And he'd better smarten up or that second chance will be gone.I know this is hard. And I would urge you to find a therapist, if you haven't already, who can help you through this. You do not deserve this. And I want you to work hard at letting go of any shame about "being cheated on". This is HIS moral failure, not yours. Lots of guys cheat on incredible, beautiful women. It has NOTHING to do with the women and everything to do with the man. So please PLEASE let yourself off the hook.I would also encourage you to consider who in your real life you might share this with. If your family judges him, perhaps it's because he deserves some condemnation right now. What he has done is awful and so painful to you. I understand not wanting them to hang this over his hand for the rest of his life, so if you tell someone, choose carefully, that it's someone who is willing to support YOU in your choice to either give him a second chance or, if he screws up again, to leave.And keep reading here. There's an army of incredible soul-warrior wives who have been where you are and know how you feel and can light your way forward.
I'm truly sorry to see so many others suffering through infidelity in a relationship. I knew my husband of almost 40 years was looking at porn frequently, and also calling strippers and prostitutes and going to strip clubs when he traveled for work. I found the phone evidence on the phone bill. He said he must have been drunk, denied he'd done anything wrong. I found a wrapped condom when taking clothes out of the wash and he insisted that one of our young adult sons had left it behind when visiting and he just stuck it in his pocket and forgot about it. He had a prescription bottle for cialis that was empty. He claimed he was getting the RX and giving it to a friend who was having an affair and didn't want his wife to know. He insisted he would tell the friend that he couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to believe him and I saw the tempest that would be created if I decided to leave. One weekend, I was gone to family overnight and came home to find him in an agitated state. He had actually been to a drug house and done some crack or cocaine, which he admitted to a couple months later. He said he realized the risk he was taking and was not going to do it again. Fast forward a couple of years. We rush him to the ED for what is a ruptured appendix. He is really ill and they aren't even able to operate immediately due to complications. While going through his "work bag" to find a car note coupon book, I find a newspaper sleeve with wrapped condoms in it and a prescription bottle with viagara and cialis in it. I call my oldest friend and tell her what has transpired. (Until this time, I had not confided my suspicions and hurt to anyone.) I tell her I am definitely leaving when he is recovered. Only he doesn't recover. He has stage IV cancer and lives a matter of months. Almost until his death he denies any wrongdoing, other than "paying for a few lap dances." Almost near the end, he starts to cry, saying that he has been a really bad person, he is sorry and will I forgive him? I am so sorry for what he endured during his illness, that I say yes, "it's all water under the bridge." He's two years gone and I'm still so pissed off that I don't have the satisfaction of leaving him. No one but my one friend and a counselor has all the information I have, although a couple of his male friends knew what he'd been up to. There are a lot more details than I have given. When I did try to talk with him about how hurtful his behavior was, he just turned it around so that it was my problem, because he didn't have a problem. He didn't want out of the marriage, but would respond that I was free to get an attorney and divorce him. I know his risky behavior was due to his own damage and not something that was wrong with me, but I still feel angry, angry, angry and hurt.
Can't forget,Of course you feel angry -- so angry -- and hurt. Of course you do. And while you understand intellectually that he was a deeply damaged person, it takes our body and our heart a while longer to absorb that truth.I suspect, too, that a lot of your anger is at yourself. For ignoring what you knew, for forgiving him something that feels unforgivable, for allowing yourself to be disrespected and lied to.But, Can't Forget, he's dead. There's not much greater punishment than dying. He doesn't get to spend his life with you. He doesn't get to grow old with you. You, however, still have that privilege.So I want you to do everything you can to heal yourself. Can your counsellor help process all the anger (which is almost always a mask for deep fear and hurt), all the grief, all the loss, all the confusion? What else are you doing to savour your life? Are you able to be grateful that, for whatever reason, his toxic behaviour is no longer in your life? Are you able to be kind to yourself, to treat yourself the way you'd treat a good friend who had been through trauma? We have something of a prescription on this site for healing ourselves and it includes radical kindness toward ourselves. Letting ourselves off the hook for not knowing/acting sooner. Nurturing ourselves through the pain. Giving ourselves credit for being compassionate and kind and decent. What's more, this site gives us the chance to support others going through the same pain we know all too well. And that paying it forward is healing in itself. Hang in there, Can't Forget. You may never forget but you can relegate this to the past, where it will remain a part of your life but not the whole of it.
Can't forget, oh my what an ordeal you have been through! I hope you are getting the support you need to heal and glad you found this safe place here. I am interested in your insight on this - so please don't take my question as anything other than empathetic. Do you ever feel relieved that your H died? I ask because I think I would. To me divorce feels like the worse case. But none of us ever know how we will feel until we actually walk a mile in the shoes.
BEG, I think your question is something many of us have struggled with. Divorce seems complicated. Custody issues. Stepmoms. Financial ties. Death strikes us as being "cleaner", I think. Our problem is...gone. The reality, I suspect, is a different kind of grief, as Can't Forget points out to us. A sort of unfinished business kind of pain. I'll be curious though to see what Can't Forget has to say.
Cant Forget--I had the worst anxiety after DD#1 when my H and I were on such a great uptick with a better marriage and new relationship--that he would die and I would be cheated out of a long happy life with him. Then came DDay#2 a year and a half later. I told my counselor that I was sure it would have been easier if he actually HAD died. So I don't want to sound insensitive either, but Browneyedgirl asked exactly what crossed my mind. I am so so sorry for your pain...and that anger, I can only imagine.
Hi ladies, I found out four months ago that my partner had a 9 month affair with his 'best friend'. It's been incredibly difficult but we're both in counseling and couples therapy, which is helping. Part of my condition of trying to make it work again was that he seek help, tell his family and close (I refuse to hide his secret. He needs to be held accountable for his actions). And that this woman be completely removed from our lives (which he'd already done by the time he decided to tell me what he had been up to). They'd been good friends for 10 years. She was in love with him the entire time, they'd had multiple flings over the years including a short affair on a girlfriend he had for 7 years. He's since admitted he can see how unhealthy their 'relationship' was and how in denial he was about being 'just friends'. Unfortunately we are all in the same industry. We're all in the entertainment business and he's just been offered a week long gig that will pay him triple what I would make in a year and guess who he'd have to be working with... the other woman. Are you freaking kidding me!?!? First off he said no straight away when he saw her name was attached to the project but now they offered him the job with this pricetag it's like an offer from the devil. My immediate reaction was hell no. You're free to make your own decisions but I will not be here. He sees that as a threat. He says he will never sleep with her again. When I ask why he'd want to do this project he says it's a way to prove he doesn't need her, to get his feelings out, to make good money that would support is for a year, which is true we could very much use it. (He'd would also have to travel to another city to work on this project, as would she). I'm of the mindset that money doesn't buy happiness and that cutting this woman out of lives means exactly that. I know I'm hurt and can only really see my side of it. I'd love any advice any of you may have right now... We have a couples therapy appointment tomorrow so I do plan on bringing it up but in the meantime... what the he'll am I supposed to think??Just when I thought things were starting to heal a little, we're moving forward this arrives. I don't understand. I feels it similar to spouses who cheat with a work colleague. In order for a marriage to survive, the cheating spouse often has to find a new job... is this any different? Thank you ladies!
Aph JayeI'm so sorry you're living through this! I know how hard it is. I have learned since dday to trust my gut feeling and if it smells like a rat, it's likely a fat rat! I don't care how much money this one job brings, him and the ow conveniently out of town and working on the same project, no I don't think so! If this partner is your partner, he needs to be putting your needs ahead of anything! Just my opinion but I was lucky my h didn't work with his cow and he had to give up his favorite sport because she and he met with this sport and it has become a major trigger for me! I'm sorry for what income you may lose but you have to do what feels right for yourself to feel safe and from your words, I can tell you are very uncomfortable with that! I'm sending you hugs and prayers and just know that you can get through this!
Aph Jaye,Wow, talk about your deal with Dr. Faustus. Money vs. marriage. And maybe that's the simple equation. While the money would be nice, it will come at a huge cost. Right now, the focus needs to be on making it clear that you are what matters in his life. The most important thing. And this will cause you further pain on top of the agony he's already caused. That should be all he needs to know.I can imagine the ego-boost this offer is providing him. And I don't doubt that he's feeling like a shit-head right now for what he's done. But this isn't about him. It's about you. It's about supporting you as you struggle to heal from a wound he inflicted. It's unfair, I think, to put the responsibility on you to either give him permission or deny him permission. He needs to be a big boy and do what's right. And, seriously...if they're throwing that kind of money at him because he's that good at his job, I can't help but think that other offers will come his way too. But please let us know what the counsellor says. I'm curious.
Hi Theresa & Elle, (Long message alert) Thank you and to all the other strong women on here! After my freak out, I took sometime (a day) and came back to tell him, if it's a project he believes in then I will go with him. And that I wouldn't sit by and do nothing and let her have even more power. No, I'd go, and I'd stand my ground. I then suggested that we read over the project details together to see exactly what it would entail and it turns out neither of us thought it was great lol and we both agree our intuition is saying something bigger and better is coming. So thankfully, he passed on the job! Talk about a test from the universe. I suspected this would happen eventually just not so soon. But the fact that he said no and put us first is great. And yes we had couples therapy today. Because we decided not to do it (which was something we both really liked; that we went at it as a team and made a joint decision) there was not a great deal of discussion about it, but the therapist did say that going with him and watching everything/keeping an eye on everything was not necessarily a healthy solution for either of us (especially since the affair has been traumatizing for me) but she did say it was great that from my anger I was able to come to a possible solution. However, I then had my own therapy session straight after with a different therapist I've been working with before I even knew about the affair and she thought it was a great solution. And also made a comment of saying how big it was that he said no. That it really needs to be acknowledged. It really is day by day! The days I think I'm doing good are usually the days we end up arguing and I break down. We both had traumatic childhoods, but I have to say I've experienced some extremely difficult times and I never thought this man that I love and trusted would betray me and create new trauma. My new analogy for my trauma is comparing it to a credit card debt. Say I was in debt on my credit card and make my monthly payments but I also need to eat. So although I'm paying off my credit card, I'm also using it to buy groceries. How can I possibly get ahead?? Well the same goes with my trauma. I have all this childhood trauma which I work hard at with intensive therapy and slowly chip away at it, I begin to feel different, happier, healthier, but then a new trauma blindsides me and I once again feel the sinking/drowning feeling, and this new trauma triggers old traumas. It's a vicious cycle. But you know what!? I LOVE that I can recognize this because it means I can work on it and stop this cycle once and for all. Earlier this year (before I found out about the affair) I married myself. I vowed to love myself first, to always put me first and treat myself with respect. I had my best friend and her daughters with me. It was absolutely beautiful and an amazing way to commit to ones self. And I think we all need more of that in our lives! Thank you ladies xox
Hello. I'd like to share my story and ask for advice.Not necessarily about what I should do next but whether what I am feeling is an over reaction or completely valid.My partner of 18 years has had an affair. He cheated with a woman he met online. She is from another country. They have never physically met.One morning in May, I had looked at his instagram account as I had noticed that he had been posting on there regularly when he had never really used it before. I noticed that every photo had been liked by one particular account that I did not recognise. I obviously looked at this persons page and saw that he had liked most of her photos too. I'd had a feeling something strange had been going on so this immediately confirmed it. He had been working nights so was still in bed, I went in to get his phone to check it only to find him quickly hiding it. I asked for it and he handed it to me asking "what's wrong?" I told him what I'd just seen then he started to freak out and tried to get the phone back off me. We literally fought for the phone he had hold of my arms which left me covered in bruises, (honestly, the one and only time he has EVER touched me in that way). I had kicked, elbowed and even headbutted him to get away. I finally managed to get out of the house with his phone in hand and went to work.While there I checked through his phone and found the Skype app that i didn't know he had. On it there were 3 months worth of conversations with one woman. It was far too much to read in that time (plus I had to actually do some work) but from the previous few days of messages that I saw I knew this was far more serious than just sexting ,which he has done multiple times in the past. Last one, that I know of was 6 years ago and very nearly split us up and still haunted me.Anyway, I messaged her and told her I was his wife and I've found out. I knew she was married so I told her if she contacts him again I will be informing her husband.Despite this she continued to message and tried to call (via skype) all through the day.Once I returned home she called again and I answered it. At that time I was not particularly angry at her. She knew he was more or less married but it was HIM that cheated on me so my anger was directed at him. I spoke with her for a bit as he was too gutless to. I informed her of the lies he had told her and that she wasn't the first. I was very civil and proud of myself at the time for holding it all together. She still requested an explanation from him, I told her I would try to get him to call her. I spoke to him and said she deserved an explanation and I needed to see the closure and if he didn't call her and tell her she meant nothing to him then he should pack his things and leave then and there. In truth, I was actually trying to punish him by embarrassing him and making him seem pathetic. He called her and told her he didn't love her, he loved me. This should have made me feel better, or at least triumphant - I win!- but instead his voice cracked as he said it and it absolutely broke my heart.She messaged me after to apologise. I was gracious once again and said he was at fault on my end but she needed to sort her own marriage out. That was the last either of us have heard from her.Continued in reply.
Continued:We spent the next 2 days hashing everything out (Without sleep). I read every single message they had sent out loud to him (3 months worth!!). I all honesty the whole thing was ridiculous and sounded like two 15 year olds. It was the same rubbish over and over again, for the most part "I love you. You're beautiful. I wish you was closer so I could hold you in my arms etc." There was some sex talk but it was so lame it made 50 shades of grey seem hardcore.The most difficult things to deal with were:He'd sent her photos of our children, our pets, our memories, our happy life.He made me out to be an absolute monster and said that he thought I was having an affair with a work colleague who I barely even spoke to- which he explained after was to gain sympathyHe said certain words or phrases that he says to meThe amount of time he spent sending messages or speaking to her on the phone or video chatting was unbelievable. He was getting up an hour early every day to speak to her before work. Making up reasons to go to the shop or even completely lying about meeting friends and spending 3 hours sat in his car around the corner talking to her.He was sending messages to her even when we were together. He would literally be sitting on the sofa holding my hand whilst messaging her. Or laying next to me in bed while telling her goodnight.I am in no way confident in how I look or even my personality but my goodness this woman was a total downgrade from me. Which he admitted that he never actually thought she was particularly attractive.And this is the thing: I thought we were happy. Not perfect but a good, solid family. We're both affectionate with each other. Always kissing, hugging, holding hands. We spend most of our spare time together with the kids. We laugh, we act silly. So I don't understand why he would do this.I've said the words "get out, we're over, I hate you" so many times in the last few months and at that moment I mean it but I don't want him to go. I love him but I hate what he's done. There are times where I feel like I don't know him at all but I DO KNOW HIM, better than anyone on Earth. He says sorry, tells me he loves me and always has, she meant nothing it was the idea and excitement he was in love with.But how could you hurt somebody you love in that way. Deliberately. This wasn't a work colleague that he spent time with and gradually built an emotional relationship (not that that's OK either,) this is something he could have prevented from the start and at any point by simply not replying to her.3 months on I'm still so hurt. It's physically painful. I can't sleep, I feel numb. I constantly have to be doing something because the second my mind is free it goes over everything again and I get angry with him. Simply things bring everything to the surface - a song, a word etc and I end up crying and shouting and telling him I can't do this! I now HATE her with a passion. She has disappeared from every social media site, even blocking me from her husbands ones. But I have his work contact details and am seriously tempted to let him know but I know it's not for his sake , it's for mine. I want vengeance! But I also don't want to be that person that potentially ruins a family.The conflicting emotions are killing me.There is so much more to say but my main point/question is:AM I OVERREACTING?It was not a physical relationship (if it had been I am pretty sure I would have definitely ended our relationship) but he spoke to her like she was his partner, he told her about his day, said good morning and goodnight to her, told her he loved her (and I believe he did to some degree). It was definitely a betrayal in my opinion.I'm so confused but this has been very therapeutic.Thank you.
Anonymous,Short answer: No. You are absolutely not over-reacting. Infidelity is a trust violation. Most of us whose husbands have had physical relationships will tell you, it's not usually the sex that's so devastating to us, it's the lies and deception. Your husband cheated on you. Do not let him minimize this violation of your trust and don't minimize it yourself. You are responding to emotional trauma.You say this isn't the first time, which tells me that your husband clearly gets something from these online affairs. It also indicates that, on some level, you've been giving him a pass, that you haven't been holding him accountable. And he, clearly, hasn't been holding himself accountable. Sounds like it's time for a straightforward conversation about what is/isn't acceptable within your marriage. And you need to be clear yourself about what you will and will not tolerate within your marriage.It can be really helpful (as you note) to write down your story. Helps to organize your thoughts and get clear on your feelings. And there are so many smart, supportive, kind women on this site. Glad you found us. Hope it helps.
I need help. I just found out about my husband's affair two weeks ago and I'm completely devastated. We just "celebrated" our 8 year wedding anniversary, we have a 4.5 year old son. My husband started sleeping with an 18 year old girl while I was visiting my brother out of state...in my house, on my furniture, MULTIPLE TIMES. Six days in a row to be exact and then for a month after that. He tells me the typical crap cheaters say such as "it's not you, it's me, I hope some day you can forgive me". We are attending couples therapy because he said he needed to figure out what was wrong with him and what made him do it. He refers to the affair as a "mistake." To me, a mistake is another way of saying "whoops!" No, I'm sorry, but this wasn't an accident. He planned this out, he prepared in advance, he bought special things to please her and went through the house to find my candles to set the mood for her. This wasn't some drunken night at a bar he doesn't remember.What's worse is that I am stuck here in this house with him. I have nowhere to go and no money. I'm separated from my family by the entire country. Not to mention I cannot go back to them nor tell them what has happened. The biggest reason being that this is not my first marriage, I was married before to my high school boyfriend. We got married young and thought things were going to work out, that is until he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and one night he went insane and tried to rape and kill me. I have no one to talk to. I made him tell his parents what he did because back when we first got married his dad once told me passive-aggressively that he hoped I didn't "leave his son like I left my ex" even though he had no idea why I left my ex, he just assumed that's just what I do. I can't even look at my husband in the face, he's been sleeping on the couch since I confronted him and he confessed to everything. We pretend nothing is wrong so that my son, who is innocent in all of this, can feel like he is loved by both of us. Those who do know of what he has done call him to see how HE'S doing, we are going to therapy so HE can get help, he thanks me for sticking with him but in reality I'm not "sticking" around here by choice, I am TRAPPED here. He's getting help, he's getting calls from friends and family, he's sharing the food that I make for my son and I and then thanking me for making it. Meanwhile I am the only one truly suffering for his actions. It's like he's getting away with doing it AND getting rewarded.I seriously don't know what to do. I haven't told my family, they would not be sympathetic to hear that my 2nd marriage is failing. In order for his therapy to work it involves me, and I personally don't want to give him anything. He deserves NOTHING from me.I just can't believe this has happened. I've gone two weeks without barely eating anything. I feel lost, I don't know who I am anymore. I feel that if someone like my husband could do this to me then there is no hope for me in the future. I feel that if someone like him could take advantage of the best qualities I have to offer, why should I even bother to be who I was anymore? I feel so numb, and yet every day I have to put my big girl panties on and take my son to school. Make his lunches, take care of the house, feed the animals, pick my son up from school, take him to his activities all while pretending his father and I still love each other and putting on a fake smile to our friends out here who are oblivious to my suffering.How do people survive this? How is this supposed to make me a stronger person when I've lost everything including myself? I feel dead inside. I don't know how much longer I can pretend that nothing is wrong so that my son can be happy.Please, someone help me.
Honey, we've all been there. You're in crisis and right now, the best thing you can do is just keep yourself okay. Sleep if you can, eat whatever you can keep down. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week or whether his family thinks you're the problem or whether your family thinks you're a failure as a wife. None of that matters right now. What matters is taking care of you the same way you would take care of your child if he was in crisis. You would hold him and you would tell him that, somehow, this will be okay.And it will. I promise you, it will. I know that feeling of being trapped, of looking frantically around for exits and finding none. And I understand the anger, the fury about calling something that has devastated you a "mistake", the pain of betrayal. We all know that. But, again, right now, just keep yourself as okay as you can. If you aren't ready to go into therapy with your husband, then don't. He doesn't "need" you in therapy right now. He can address his problems just find without you. And that's what he should be doing. Addressing his own issues and figuring out why in the hell he would risk everything that matters for someone who doesn't. If you're able, find yourself your own counsellor who can walk you through the pain of betrayal, who can support you as you cry and rant and rave and begin to ask yourself what you want from this. You feel dead inside because you feel as though the life you were living and the person who was living it is dead. And, in some ways, you're right. Suffering can make us stronger but don't worry about that right now. Again, you need to keep yourself as okay as possible so that you can be stable and solid for your son. That doesn't mean you have to pretend to be happy. There's nothing wrong with telling him that you're having a problem with a "friend" and it's making you sad. That gives him permission to feel his own feelings. But that this has nothing to do with him and he is loved and safe. Keep reading here. There is so much wisdom and compassion and support on this site from incredible women who have been exactly where you are, who know exactly how you're feeling...and who are emerging out the other side.Hang in there. You're among friends. You will get through this.
A letter to her,I see your face. I see your eyes. I hope it is pain. I want you to feel the earth removed under your feet. Your past re-written in black and grey, all memories clouded with darkness. I want you to cry out like an animal, feel as if your heart is ripped out, and you can't have enough tears to cry. I want you to stab yourself over and over, in hope the hurt outside will take away the pain inside. I want you to sit and contemplate your reason for being on this earth, and wonder if you should stay. I want you to feel as anxiety gnaws at your very soul, everyday, every hour, from the moment you awake, til the moment you let go to find sleep. Tick, tick, tick- the fear, the hurt, the anger, the insecurity, the shame, the rage, the pain. So much that you want to do anything to escape the power of all emotion: can't be numb, want to be numb.
Anon Nov 9,I know it feels like you've lost everything, including yourself -- but truly you haven't. You will be okay. Please take Elle's excellent advice above -- print it out and carry with you to reread whenever you need. And please check in and let us know how you are doing. Wishing you peace. Hugs.
Just found out last night that not only had my husband cheated on in me in the past, but that he is currently cheating on me. They were planning on waiting until after the holidays to tell their spouses & start divorce proceedings, (since she is also married with 2 small children). My husband and I have been together 17 years, I thought we were finally in a good place, and then this comes out of left field. We have 4 kids, 3 together & 1 from a previous relationship, who's father hasn't been around and who has had my husband as her father since she was 2 1/2. This is going to crush her especially, since this will be the second "dad" walking essentially walking out on her. I know that isn't the case, but it's how she will look at it, and she is very protective of me, which will further strain things between them. The 3 children we share will be devastated as well, and they are all old enough to understand what is going on. Not to mention he has known "her", for almost 4 years of brief encounter's at work, and just started things with her 4 months ago, but he's already talking about how they haven't gotten a place "yet" and she lives in another state 2 1/2 hours away. He was texting her back and forth the whole time we were talking about this last night. I know he's gone. There's no reason to fight for "us", because if he stays, he will still be seeing her, and if it wasn't her, it would be some other chick. I am just broken! We are a week away from Christmas and I just don't want to do anything. I'm hurting, and fighting tears, but don't want to say anything to the kids because I don't want Christmas to be tainted for them. We agreed to wait until after the holidays, but I just don't know how I'm going to get through until then, with him still living under the same roof. I work part time and take care of the kids and house. Now I have to try to find another full-time 3rd shift job so I can work while they are sleeping, and sleep while they are in school, or quit my other job and try to find someone to get them after school. I'm terrified that this will scar my kids, that I will fail them, that I will be alone and broken for the rest of my life, (I know I'm being dramatic) & I hate that I thought we would grow old together, and he is so willing to cast me to the side. I've been cheated on by every guy I've been with and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong! I hate that he and "she" are both getting what they want, and we (me and the kids) are getting torn apart. I was there when he had nothing, stood by while he went away for weeks at a time for work,built him up, supported him, through everything, including staying when he was cheating on me earlier in the relationship, and now he's going to be with her, they will have each other and I will be left with no one and nothing. Left to pick up the pieces and get my kids through this. I am just sick about all of this!! Oh and did I mention I just got out of the hospital, where I was for a week with a chronic condition, and now this....
Broken,I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. But let's get one thing absolutely straight: He did not cheat (nor did the others cheat) because there's something "wrong" with you. They cheated because there's something wrong with them. And that is the absolute truth.Now...I think it's reasonable to wait until after Christmas before you tell the kids but I do NOT think you should wait until you see a lawyer yourself. I think you need to get clear right now on what you are entitled to under the law. You should NOT be working two jobs and taking care of four children without financial support from him. So please PLEASE see a lawyer as soon as possible. Broken, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you but I do suspect that you have spent a lifetime putting up with other people's shitty choices. And I think it's time to put an end to that. You deserve so much better than this. But you need to understand that yourself. You need to believe that you deserve better than this.And, for the record, relationships that start by cheating (ie. your husband and this woman) rarely succeed so while they might seem happy right now, I think you can count on the day when he or she cheats on the other or they just realize that, actually, they're not so happy with each other. In the meantime, I hope you'll find a counsellor who can help you process the pain and grief. It would be a good idea to suggest counselling for the kids as well. But please, Broken, hang in there. We know your pain and we know you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. It hurts like hell...but it won't hurt forever. This guy sounds like someone you're better off without.
Broken I’m so so sorry for the pain you are living through! It hurts so bad and I didn’t even have to be dealing with a chronic illness! When you can, please take care of your basic needs. It’s hard to pick yourself up and begin to put yourself first but that’s exactly what you have to do! Take it slow and please listen to the advice Elle just gave you. I’m just so sorry especially with the holidays on top of the pain! Sending you hugs!
So DD for me was almost 6 months ago. My husband is doing everything he can to atone for what he did. He had a sexual affair meeting the same woman approx 12 times over a 20 month period. This was over 3 years ago! As I’ve said before I hacked his phone and read all the texts so I know she did all the pursuing. He was weak and just agreed to go and meet her , had a drink then off to the hotel room for sex, on the train home by 9-30 pm and if I am to believe everything he said walked out of that room feeling disgusted and ashamed with himself . He never initiated the contact with her (I’ve seen the texts) just agreed to go when she clicked her fingers. Yet he says it was just the sex (even though he admits our sex life was amazing) she was something he knew was wrong and he said it’s like when a man goes to a prostitute. ‘She offered it, and I don’t know why but I took it because I never thought you would find out!’ The crazy thing is I believe this! I’ve even met her. I was able to trace her through social media and eventually she agreed to meet me. I know she did because she’s scared I will tell her husband. I want to, but I think he will come looking for my husband and I cannot risk that. For anyone who wonders it felt good to meet her. She is older, less attractive ( I’m no oil painting but I take care of myself ) and just like he said quite dull. It felt good to see she was no threat. The thing is, I know I have a long road to travel in my recovery but when I do have good days, I seem to want to hurt myself by going over things he did, said during that period. I go over and over when they met, where they met, dates, where I was, what we did that week/ day after, my texts on the day he met her!!!I seem to pick the scab so it bleeds as if I have no right to have felt happy on those good days. Is this normal ? Or is there no such thing as normal?
Swan,Yes, this is normal. And yes, there is no such thing as normal. :)I suggest "is this healthy?" For me, rehashing wasn't so much picking at a scab as processing, and in many ways it helped me. I was so completely blindsided by the adultery -- I felt I needed to go over and over the details to understand what was real. When my emotions felt out of control it helped me to be able to lean into the solid facts/details. I seemed to do this until I essentially got bored with it all -- which was about the same time that, for a variety of reasons, I began to regain some trust in my H. I'm almost 3 years out, and while I still have my moments, I haven't "pain shopped" in well over a year.For other women I think it feels more like an obsession and is more hurtful than helpful so they use techniques to stop their mind from going there. I'm sorry I don't know exactly where to point you, but I know I've seen suggestions on this blog. I hope you are in a place/situation where you have a counselor you can ask for guidance -- my counselor made a world of difference for me. I will add that I have struggled with OCD in the past, to the point of needing medication, and so am very cautious about obsessive thoughts -- other women might not feel so strongly about seeing a counselor to manage this stage. It does get better. Hugs!
Swan,Exactly as Sal said, it's normal. But I'm not sure it's healthy. As she noted, you can perhaps best discern whether you're processing pain or whether you're pain-shopping. It can feel really uncomfortable, strangely enough, when you start to move past it. There's an underlying fear that he'll "forget" how much pain you were in and therefore might do it again. Or that things will become "normal" again and he'll assume everything is fine when things are still NOT fine. Not completely. Sometimes, it's like we don't want to let them off the hook. We need them to continue to see our pain, continue to acknowledge how much damage they caused EVEN WHEN WE'RE DOING BETTER. Do you have a counsellor you can talk this over with? Or a trusted friend with whom you can parse whether you're processing this? Your metaphor of picking a scab indicates that you suspect this isn't healthy behaviour but further harming yourself. If that's the case, then see if you can put into place some strategies to help you stop. In my case, I implemented a 24-hour policy. If I felt that I needed to know something (what type of underwear she wore, for instance. Seriously!), I would make myself wait 24 hours. If I still wanted to know (if I even still remembered what I wanted to know) and I thought I really NEEDED to know, I would ask. You can imagine how rarely I actually ended up asking because most of what I was doing was pain shopping.
Elle What You say is so so true! It is like I want him to still see that I am in pain and I don’t want to let him off the hook on those days when I do feel better.and yes I want him to acknowledge the harm he has done. Sometimes I feel I bring it all up so that I cry and he comforts me and apologises because if I don’t he tries so hard to plan forwards - lovely things for us to do as a couple but there is little acknowledgment of what he did. When I explain this he says but it’s good to look forwards to the future not dwell on the past. In his words ‘the past can’t be changed but we can control the future’. Ladies, you are all so brilliant. Thank you for all your words of advic.
Sal Thank you for your words of wisdom. It means a great deal to hear how others feel or have coped/ are coping. I haven’t told anyone about the adultery. Counselling in the U.K. is not really easy to access but I’m going to look into it. Thanks
Swan on the surface Normal after betrayal is so different for each and everyone of us. Six months found me barely breathing and still sobbing all night. Those were some dark days and night was the worst.. it can and does get better. It’s going to take a ton of work from both of y’all! I too met his cow. She confronted me on his volleyball turf. The place they fell in lust. She just told me what a great friend he was when she was going through her messy divorce. She told my h the next day that I was ‘nice ‘ and he thought he would be finally finished with her and I wouldn’t ever have to know that truth. But she spent the next six months keeping him coming to see her by telling him she needed closure and the only way was for him to tell me. But he’s a coward and he wouldn’t but he came clean fast when she did text me with her truth that day... I told her that he would never leave me not knowing if that was true or even if I would choose to keep him once I did get the full truth. That said, most of the healing process has taken much longer than I would have ever imagined. Life in general kept us from making progress fast. Not to mention she interfered until he filed harassment charges. She took another year before she finally left us alone. It’s hard and it’s going to be good one day and horrible the next. Just go slow take care of basic needs and watch him try to get your love back. My h had no idea how hard he would have to work to get us back to any where near what felt good again and he still has a long way to go. Betrayal seems easy when these people are making their choices but recovery is a very slow process... One day at a time. Sending you hugs and prayers!
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel humbled that people have taken time out of their own lives to help someone else. Hopefully I will be in a position to give something back to those who need it some day.
I’m new here and am in SERIOUS need of an honest opinion, I need to know if I’m overreacting or not! I tried to tell the whole story but had too much written, so had to cut it VERY short.This all started in 2015, husband works away most of the time. Found two phone numbers on his cell linked to one certain female. Had social networking app on phone, but deleted it right in front of me when I opened it and he “suddenly realized” it links it to your phone contacts. Said he never used it that a friend ( who has 2 failed marriages ) sent him the link to download it so they could communicate. Emotionally disconnected himself from me and the kids when my dad was sick and died. He was a body, pretending to be supportive.Sent his semen stained underwear for DNA testing along with a swab from myself. They tested positive for female DNA, and it WASN’T MINE!!!!He denies ever having had an affair... please tell me I’m right to assume he is. I can’t handle not knowing the truth, it’s going to drive me off the deep end! I do NOT know what else to do, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!!
Hey MamaB,I have no idea whether your husband is cheating or how reliable those tests are but what you've said -- that he's emotionally disconnected from the family, that he wasn't able to support you through your father's illness and death, is enough for you to recognize that your marriage is in trouble. So the next step is to determine whether you want to work at rebuilding that emotional connection. If so, I would tell him that you feel emotionally unsafe in your marriage right now, that you feel disconnected from him and that you need couples counselling to reconnect. If he's cheating, it's often after counselling begins that the truth begins to emerge. You can't simultaneously rebuild a marriage while cheating unless you're a sociopath. So tell him this is something you both need to do because you seem to have lost your way in the marriage. Find a good counsellor who can help you work through a lot of the pain around feeling emotionally abandoned. I'm sure he has his own pain for whatever reason. If he isn't cheating, then you get a better marriage. If he IS cheating and you're able to work through it, you get a better marriage. Either way, you come out better than you are right now.
This was over a decade ago. But at the time, my son was 6 months old - my husband (at the time) started staying late at work. It was his business so I figured it was crazy at work. This turned into him staying away over night - and then days at a time. I devolved into a leg clinging weeping mess - not to mention the post partum.We saw a counselor for 2 sessions. The counselor turned to me and said, "He's getting his car shined (euphamistically speaking) somewhere else. Since he won't admit it, I don't think therapy will work." And in a nutshell, he told me that it would be a waste of our money and time - since my husband wouldn't come clean. He insisted he was not having an affair with ANYONE. (Of course years later, his partner's wife confirmed my suspicions.)Cut to a decade later - and my husband moved in and lives with this very women (his employee at the time). He never came clean about this - even during our divorce. Not only did he move in with her - but he also transferred his business (after our divorce) to her so that he could shield that income from child support. I respect and admire women who stick it out - I think for some dudes, it's something they regret. For other dudes the affair is a revelation of their awful and shitty character - and they need to be run from.It's funny because just last year, I met someone. We had that instant chemistry, going back and forth. My dad had passed away leaving his house in a shambles. This guy was one of the contractors I met when taking bids to fix the house. He and I spoke on the phone, emailed, and texted. He did not wear a ring. But when I asked him - because my thought was "how can a great guy like this be single," he fessed up to being married.He then tried to push moving further in our relationship. I told him - being married is a deal breaker. My telling him that was not because of him or his wife - it was because I'm at the point in my life where I have more self respect than to get with a liar and cheat. I just don't want the bullshit and drama. Once a liar - always a liar. It becomes a slippery slope IMO.
Rachel,You hit the nail firmly on the head. Some of these guys do wake up and become better men. Others, sadly, go on being the same assholes they were. And kudos to you for putting your self-respect above any need to be with anyone, no matter how great they seem. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through but glad that you've emerged with your self-esteem intact.
Hi Elle,I've been with my husband for nearly 13 years and we've had our share of problems but somehow we always overcame them. Until recently, probably in the last month or so, i noticed a big change in my husband. He always worked late, he was always hiding his phone, staying up late and not going to bed with me. When i saw a deleted text message and confronted him, he denied everything and reassured me that there is inly me. But yet he continues to do the same night after night. I can feel he is living 2 lives and our children are hurting from all this since he hardly has time for me, our kids and for us as a couple and family. I'm still willing to save what we have or had but it's challenging loving someone who continues to lie and cheat..everyday is a struggle..I need all the love and prayers right now!
Hi Anonymous. I think you have the right to know what is going on. You should confront your husband and demand an explanation. Unfortunately when men do this kind of thing they are usually having an affair, or at the very least cultivating an inappropriate friendship.I have been there. I was suspicious of a woman at work and I did say something to my husband at the time. But I didn't realise the danger, because like all wives we don't want to believe it. I firmly believe that if I had been more assertive it would not have ended up in an affair that almost wrecked our marriage. It was still a friendship when I started getting suspicious. Months later there was more of an emotional connection. So talk to your husband now before it goes any further.
Anonymous,Of course, some of us really do end up being wrong about our suspicions of husbands cheating. Sometimes they aren't. But, in my experience, those gut feelings are usually close to the truth. We may not know what is wrong but we know something is.Unfortunately you can't make someone tell you the truth. But, given that you're feeling emotionally unsafe in the relationship, at the very least, it's time to make an appointment with a marriage counsellor to talk over why you feel so disconnected from him.