Share Your Story: Finding Out, Part 4 (3 is full!!)

199 comments:

  1. My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for 16 and have three amazing girls. DH has struggled with being overweight his entire life. He has lost weight only to gain it back again. Last year, he decided to gain control of his weight and lost 150 pounds. But, he seems to have come into a mid-life crisis. He met a woman on the commuter train who he befriended a year ago. She has been an alcoholic and drug addict since her teen years (she is 31 now). With my husband's weight loss and gaining confidence in how he looked, he began to flirt with her and she with him. He drank with her on the train and they forged a friendship. Towards the end of the summer, it turned into an emotional affair. In the fall, it moved to a physical relationship. I knew he was friends with her and thought little of her as she was pretty trashy and not worth my time. He has always had female friends and I have always trusted him 100%. She left her wife (yes wife) in November. My husband has always smoked pot, something I don't do, but was okay with him doing it as long as he didn't do it all the time and was responsible (never around the kids, etc.). With this woman, my husband started doing way more drugs, drinking, and smoking cigarettes (which I abhor and am allergic to). In December, my husband was telling me he felt lost and had this desire to run away. At the time, I had no idea he was having an affair. He started seeing a therapist and I thought we could just get through this. In January, her wife contacted me and outed the affair. Since that time, it has been a lot of lies and hurt. He has said he's broken it off but I have found out he's lied about that and never really ever ended it with her. He took her on two business trips, his office all knows about her. We started couples counseling and he lied to the therapist and me throughout the sessions. The only honest thing he admitted was that he wants both lives. He knows he has had a great life with our family and says he doesn't want to lose it. But, he says he's literally addicted to her and can't stay away from her. He knows it's not love with her, but he is paralyzed when it comes to doing anything to get her out of his life. After his last business trip (they were on hard core drugs the entire time and didn't sleep or eat), he came home and told the girls and me he was leaving us for her. He left without taking his things. He came back home a couple of days later and said he knew he needed help and was willing to go to rehab. We were able to get him into an outpatient program and he was going to live in our basement while going through the treatment. After two days, he took off and went to see her. The next day when he came home and I changed the locks and told him he wasn't welcome until he decided he really wanted to get better and that I refuse to be in a marriage with her. He has continued to go to rehab during the day and then go home to her at night which means he's not taking rehab seriously. She's his biggest addiction and when he's with her, he's not getting better. He has still been contacting me and giving me mixed signals. I am at a loss. I miss my best friend and husband so much. He was my everything and I don't know how to go on without him. I want him to get better and be able to come back, but I don't know if that's possible. He was the most amazing father as well. He was always there for everything with our children and they absolutely adored him. He is the absolute last person you would ever expect this behavior from. I had to have him stop reaching out to the children because he just gives them false hope. His words are contradicting his actions. I really just don't know what to do. And I don't know what to say to people who ask where he is. I can't fathom not having him by my side. If you made it this far, thanks for reading my nightmare of a life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh sweetie, you are on one hell of a roller coaster. I'm so so sorry for all you're dealing with.
      You sound incredibly sane and responsible, which is so important for your kids who must be at least as confused as you are.
      Your husband is going down a dangerous path and, unfortunately, he's the only one who can turn himself around.
      I would continue doing what you're doing, which is drawing very clear boundaries around your life with your children. He's simply not welcome in your home and around the kids until he's cleaned up and committed to addiction counselling.
      It sounds as if he's simply replaced one addiction (food) with quite a few others. But that's HIS stuff to deal with. Your focus absolutely needs to be on you -- what are you doing to help yourself? Counselling? Good friends?
      Addiction is a monster and you are powerless to control it. Only he can. So keep doing what you're doing, which is taking care of yourself and your kids. I know this hurts like hell. It's agonizing to watch someone you love ruin his life and turn your life into hell. He'll either wake up or he won't. But it's out of your control. I would urge you to get yourself to a 12-step group for spouses of addicts. You'll find incredible support there and a place where you can lay down your pain.
      You don't deserve any of this. I think you know that. And you will get through this. There are so many incredible women on this site who have survived what they thought was unendurable. And emerged stronger and wiser. We're here whenever you need us.

      Delete
  2. Its been just over a month since I found out that my husband has cheated on me. My world came crashing down. I was so blindsided; I had no idea anything was going on. I never thought this would happen to me. We have been married 8 years, happily so I thought, both had goals for the the future and things we wanted to do together. All of these is in a haze now.
    He sat me down, April 28, and began talking.. what a long night..
    He told me he had been unfaithful; for nearly 6 years in our marriage, he has been watching porn, talking to women online, cybering, going to strip clubs, and this year started going to massage parlors and the last time he went, he actually slept with the woman. I guess he couldn't live with the guilt and he crossed his own "line" which is why he told me 4 days later.
    I was in shock. I wanted so badly to go back in time and erase it all. How could this be happening to me?!
    I am fortunate that I am busy being in school right now working on my nursing degree. It has made me strong through the years and I don't think I could have gotten through this had it come earlier. Its giving me a good distraction and a goal for myself. But the pain is always there... and as for my husband and I.. I don't know whats going to happen. He is still living at home.. its awkward. Its like having a stranger in my house. He is looking for a place to live because I need my space - I need to figure out what I want and what I deserve out of life. But I am terrified of being alone. I never thought I would have to be. The plan is to begin our own solo counseling - he clearly has some deeply rooted issues that he needs to work through; the term sex addiction has popped up.
    But right now I am having a hard time of letting go of the life I used to have. He was my best friend, my life partner and I still love him.. but that person is gone now and I feel so alone. I am scared of the future and its overwhelming to think about. I try to go one day at a time.. but everyday there is pain, tears, heartbreak. He wishes I would get angry and hate him but how can I? He is still the same person.. isn't he?
    I have been following this blog pretty much since it happened and it has been helpful to hear that people can get through this - couples can. He has an amazing family and people who love him, and I love all of them, I never wanted to picture my life with out them. I have had a huge loss and it hurts so much. I just want to know if I will ever be me again...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Broken,
      The letter you have written is the letter any one of could have (and might have) written. Will the pain ever stop? Who is this stranger I married? Will I be "me" again?
      Betrayal is traumatizing. Especially when it turns out that this has been going on for years. I know because my entire relationship with my husband turned out to have been something of a double life for him.
      It's bizarre and like living in some sort of upside-down world. Right now, you need to give yourself some time to just allow the shock to wear off. Get yourself support -- a therapist who understands infidelity/sex addiction would be a great start.
      He should also be seeking support. It does sound like sex addiction is very real possibility.
      I promise you that you are still you. You're just a you that's going through hell. And he is still himself. It's just that he hid a big part of himself from you. Out of shame and guilt and fear.
      The bizarre part of all this is that you can -- if you want it and he's willing to work very hard -- have a deeper relationship with each other. I know it seems crazy. But I know it because I, and many women on this site, have created it. It comes down to whether he's willing to take a hard look at himself and what drove his behaviour and whether you want to give him a chance to be a better man. There are no guarantees. No promises that this will work.
      And, frankly, it's always your choice. There's nothing wrong with saying that you're done. Or saying that you need time to decide if you're done or not.
      Right now, give yourself time and support and incredible self-care. Be gentle with yourself. Don't try and predict the future. Focus on your next right step. Not the one after that, or the next ten steps. Just your next right step.
      You'll get there. The day will come, I promise, when this horrible part of your life is just part of a much much larger story.

      Delete
  3. My Dday was April 17, 2015. My husband was texting the OW when I caught him! We have been married 20 years. For the last few years (for me 2-3 years) the marriage was dull, just doing the everyday life things (house, kids, work,etc), we were roommates, we got along fine, but there was no intimacy and pretty much did not talk and hardly ever did anything together as a couple. I had been wanting to fix things or talk to him but I just didn't know how and had pretty much grown resentment towards him. He confessed to everything within about 3 days. he had been texting her for about 5 years (ex-girlfriend from high school). He did not admit to sex with her until after his counseling session; he said he did not want me to know because he was afraid I'd leave; he felt it was a good chance I would leave. He had sex with her 1-2 times a year but sexting carried on thruout the years. She lives out of state and is married with children of her own. I was able to verify for myself the dates he was with her and at specific hotels. He of course claims I did not show him love or respect and this woman had from the very beginning flat out said she wanted him and had said everything he had been wanting to hear from me. He says that he never loved her that he dangled her along because she wanted him and said all the great things he wanted to hear-made him feel good about himself. He said it was an escape from his troubles. I just wish he were man enough to have told me how he felt or leave!!! I know it's not about me, but then I still struggle that is all about me-I was not providing what he needed. (i know i know it takes two to make a marriage). He has answered every question, cut off communication with the OW immediately (showed me the text ending it and the OW's response). He has provided all of his email, computer passwords. I am devastated. although I knew the marriage wasn't good I never ever thought he could do such a thing, we actually had conversations about it and he said he'd feel too guilty to do such a thing. I trusted in him so much that I could not see what was right in front of me. He used my trust for him against me. Although he claims he didn't think I loved him, he has said that this is all his fault, he takes the blame, he says I never deserved anything like this and he wasn't man enough to tell me how he was feeling. We are talking now, making time for each other, going to counseling and it's going well. He is doing everything to help me, he listens, he accepts my anger. But it's so difficult, I have good days and then all of sudden I'm angry and I'm right back to how can i stay with this man who betrayed me this way; why should I continue to work it out with him?? The emotional roller coaster is so difficult. I love him and I want to forgive him because I believe he is remorseful, I believe he wants me but right now I do not see the light. I feel happy and sad at the same time, so confusing. For him he says everything is going great- this is what he's been wanting from me. We have been intimate and it's great but at times I feel ashamed afterwards. I have read blogs, posts, & books about taking care of myself; knowing this really isn't about me; accepting who I am as a person; learning to love myself...but how do you actually do this?? I already had self esteem issues, this has made it worse. I struggle to focus, concentrate, at times obsess about the OW (who really is not worth my time), depressed and the list goes on. I question how do I know he is telling the truth now, I see his actions, but still how do I know?? look at how he deceived me so easily! I apologize for rambling but my emotions are everywhere

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      You get there one step at a time. Your husband is absolutely right (and it's a pleasant change from the husbands who blame their wives!). His cheating was HIS choice. The marriage...well, that takes two. But he chose to step outside the marriage.
      You knew the marriage was limping along. So it's not YOU he was unhappy with, it was the marriage. And, frankly, you were too. You just didn't cheat. So let him take full responsibility for this choice to cheat. And then both of you take responsibility for letting the marriage fall into disrepair.
      Accept that healing takes a long time. Recognize that your self-esteem issues play into the narrative in your head that tells you that you somehow brought this on. Get yourself some counselling to help you work through that pain, to help you learn to feel good about yourself. You will get there. Betrayal is excruciating but, if we let it, the pain can guide us to heal parts of ourselves that have been broken for a long time.
      Anonymous, you'll get there. You need someone who can guide you. There's plenty of women on this site who are or have been exactly where you are. Read on. Find a good therapist. And trust that you'll get through this.

      Delete
    2. I remember the words, "it's not you, it's me" after 28 years of marriage. I had put up with a lot of meanness from him during our marriage, but I forgave him for that. But then, after he lost a long-time job, he went crazy and started cheating with a co-worker who had also lost her job. He put me through nights of hell, would call her in front of me. I tried to leave, he would get mean and not let me. Finally, I gave up and started talking to an old high school friend, which was not a good thing, because he got too close to me and wanted to have an affair, I only wanted to talk to someone and could not afford a therapist. It took me two years to get the other woman out, if she is still out, I do not know and it is taking a lifetime to forgive him. Then I find out 8 years later that he had bought a house during this time, don't that just let the air out of your sails. It was rented, but still, a lie he had hidden there so he said "In case I kicked him out" I am too old now to leave and right now do not have the financial means to do so. If they have cheated, get out if you can. The worry about what he is going to do next will ruin your life, and the broken heart, it never goes away

      Delete
  4. Hello everyone! I've been going to this site ever since DDay happened almost 19 months ago. I never imagined I would come this far. We've been married for 7 years (together for 9) when I found out about his affair with his also married co-worker. We have 2 young kids ages 7 and 3 at the time and we both have great careers. We just moved into a new house and I was also taking care of a sick parent. In the months leading up to DDay, he was disconnected, always late coming home, cranky, no time for the kids. Then I noticed the changes: new wardrobe, breathmints, weight-lifting, passwords on the phones etc, absentee dad. Take note that he was never a hands-on dad and left most of the parenting (and household management) to me. I knew something was wrong but I was too naive then. Actually it was my mom who noticed and she was the one who made me admit it to myself and do something about it..Yep I have a gem of a mom, she's my bff. So I started to ask questions, frequented his workplace and even went to his basketball practices (he had 9-11pm sessions twice a week with a group of co-workers, OW included). He is a bball fanatic and this has always been an issue for us; I would always complain that he has time for bball but not for simple chores like washing the dishes, laundry and so on. So to make the story short, I was able to break his cellphone password and lo and behold! I found the proof I needed. I will never forget the day that became the first of many rollercoaster rides. My hands shook, I was devastated, angry, disappointed, but too numb to cry. I never thought it could happen to me. Heck, my younger self had sworn to kick him out and cut him off immediately at the first sign of infidelity!
    But things change and people change. Time, and a lot of introspection (and this site), has helped me be where I am now. I am in a better place in my relationship with H (yes, I stayed even when my younger self swore to kick him out if and when it happened); I have more good days than bad. The hurt, anger, sadness and disapointment are still there in the background, but I can shut them out enough to prevent them from ruining my day. Oh, I still get mad when I remember how stupid/selfish/spineless H was and I still rage about the b**tch manipulative slime OW from time to time, but they are less powerful and muted. I have my doubts too, like what if he does it again? What if, what if what if? But I refuse to let it consume my thoughts. Life is too short to spend on emotions and thoughts not worth having. ☺
    As I'm typing this on my tablet, H keeps on looking over my shoulder asking if I'm alright. I think he is scared I'll have a relapse by writing this. ��Tee hee! I don't want him to worry that I'm slipping back into the black hole (just by a few millimeters haha!), but I'm glad this is keeping him on his toes. Recently he has been asking if I still loved him and I told him the truth -- most days yes, some days no. He just nodded, looked sad and begged me not to leave him. I think he has finally realized my worth☺ -- Pam

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pam,
      You've written a story that could be almost any one's here. We ALL thought we'd kick him to the curb. Our culture doesn't really offer another narrative.
      And then it happens to us and we realize it's not always that simple.
      I'm glad you're coming out the other side. We should all have a mother like yours!
      Life is full of what ifs. We can consider them at times...but you're wise to not let them consume you. Truth is, none of us knows what's around the corner. But most of us can figure out where we want to be right now. Today.

      Delete
  5. I found out two days ago that my husband has been sleeping with another woman since last November. I'm overwhelmed with having to process this.

    I was sent a message by the OW. She's a friend of ours and sings in a band with my husband. They do out of town, overnight and late night gigs. You get the picture. I don't know why I wasn't worried and now that I think about it, I don't know why I'm surprised.

    What I'm struggling with is the last year of my life being a lie, what to tell my two darling children (they're only 6 and 3) and how he seems to be so fine with whats happened.

    I've never wanted divorce but I feel like I have no other option at this point and I'm terrified and enraged that someone else's bad choices (again and again - so this is obviously something he was ok with) has completely changed my life and my kids' lives. I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow morning to figure out my options but I'm simply stunned and right now - really missing my husband :(.

    Feeling stupid and lonely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anom
      We all felt stupid and lonely when faced with our discovery. When I was 2 days from the first contact from the ow, I was a walking zombie who looked fine on the outside to family and friends but on the inside the emotions were boiling! His physical affair with her had ended five months before she felt betrayed by h as he continued to tell her he did not love her. She continued harassing both of us and ended up in jail with no contact ordered by the court. Meeting with a lawyer will give you confidence to make the decision you will need to make. It's too soon with all the pain that betrayal brings to even know how you feel. Four months for us and we still have moments when things get very strained between us. When this happens, we take a time out from each other to clear our heads. My h went through hell trying to keep this ow from hurting me more than just the knowledge of the affair hurt! She was crazy and is now probably more so as she lost her son to suicide a couple of weeks ago. The way I found out as well as how long it lasted were very painful for me! The more details ow told me through text continued the pain for six months past the first contact. All of these things kept my mental state jumbled until I put my concentration on myself and my health! I lost 20+ pounds. Walking my dog became my therapy for dealing with the tears and anger. It's a daily struggle where I tell myself daily, 'he chose us' when the fog of his mid-life affair crisis lifted. We are just now working on rebuilding everything. Trust is wiped out and that's hard for my h to deal with. He is patiently trying to help me by being the man he was before he fell out of his mind and into a full blown affair. Take it slow. His actions will guide you and you will be stronger! Keep reading these blogs as there is a wealth of wisdom shared by these ladies!

      Delete
    2. Anom
      We all felt stupid and lonely when faced with our discovery. When I was 2 days from the first contact from the ow, I was a walking zombie who looked fine on the outside to family and friends but on the inside the emotions were boiling! His physical affair with her had ended five months before she felt betrayed by h as he continued to tell her he did not love her. She continued harassing both of us and ended up in jail with no contact ordered by the court. Meeting with a lawyer will give you confidence to make the decision you will need to make. It's too soon with all the pain that betrayal brings to even know how you feel. Four months for us and we still have moments when things get very strained between us. When this happens, we take a time out from each other to clear our heads. My h went through hell trying to keep this ow from hurting me more than just the knowledge of the affair hurt! She was crazy and is now probably more so as she lost her son to suicide a couple of weeks ago. The way I found out as well as how long it lasted were very painful for me! The more details ow told me through text continued the pain for six months past the first contact. All of these things kept my mental state jumbled until I put my concentration on myself and my health! I lost 20+ pounds. Walking my dog became my therapy for dealing with the tears and anger. It's a daily struggle where I tell myself daily, 'he chose us' when the fog of his mid-life affair crisis lifted. We are just now working on rebuilding everything. Trust is wiped out and that's hard for my h to deal with. He is patiently trying to help me by being the man he was before he fell out of his mind and into a full blown affair. Take it slow. His actions will guide you and you will be stronger! Keep reading these blogs as there is a wealth of wisdom shared by these ladies!

      Delete
    3. It's ironic, isn't it? That someone else's stupidity makes US feel stupid. You were a loyal, trusting wife. That's admirable. That he violated that trust makes him the idiot, not you.
      It's smart to see a lawyer. And if he's unwilling to make amends or unremorseful then you don't have a whole lot of choice, though I'd create a separation agreement to allow both of you to absorb what's happened.
      As for what to tell the kids, they're too young to tell them anything other than Mommy and Daddy won't be living together but that they both love you very much. They're concerned with their own survival at these ages -- what will this mean for them. Where will they sleep? Who will make their breakfast? Please don't make them your allies. They deserve to be able to love their asshole of a father without knowing he's an asshole. None of this is their fault.
      You'll get through this, though I know it's hard to believe that. Share here, find support in real life and trust that you're stronger than you know.

      Delete
  6. It has been seven weeks since I found out that my husband of five years has been sexting with the OW. He had fallen asleep on the couch instead of coming to bed with me and when I awoke in the middle of the night to go find him, his phone was unlocked and in the middle of messages with an unnamed phone number. I did a double take when it clicked in my tired brain the words that were on that screen. I started to scroll up and saw pictures had been exchanged as well. There, in texts to someone else, were the same words and phrases he said to me. I couldn't even bring myself to find out how far back the messages went. I just woke him up and asked him whose number it was. Hearing him admit it was a mutual friend (I have numbers saved with names so I don't memorize that anymore) was even worse. The OW was friends with H before we got together so I made a conscious effort to become friends and leave behind initial prickly jealous and uncomfortable feelings. I was so crushed, embarrassed, disappointed at myself for ignoring those feelings 5-6 years ago. There was the initial blow up after discovery and I still wish I had stopped him from deleting everything from his phone before I could read for myself the full extent of betrayal. In that moment I was glad but I wish I knew it all now without having to ask him more questions and go through more cell phone records. His story changed a few times that night on how long they had been sexting and that stuck with me. It has fueled my doubts and consumed me with a need to know how deep this betrayal went. Since then I've found out that when we would have a fight, he'd go text with her for a day or two as a "release". H claims that he's never touched another woman, including her, and this was just a fantasy and a mistake. Hearing that over and over again was insulting and just gasoline on the fire. I was also in those moments and I NEVER chose to step outside of our marriage.

    It hurts that she was my friend too and she'd been at my bachelorette party, at the wedding, and we'd hung out quite a bit recently. I feel angry that I've been a fool, enjoying time with my husband and this woman, all the time they knew what they were doing. While the OW has not contacted either of us since she was explicitly told she was unwelcome in our universe by both of us, I know I will have to see her again because there is a large mutual friend circle. I wish I would be strong enough to take the classy road but the rage inside of me does not bode well. Some days I am consumed by a rage that I don't know how to calm and it changes everything around me in an instant. A rage that seems to burn right through my body and I feel the heat on my skin. I wish I could excommunicate her from the circle of friends but then everyone would know and I would be humiliated again.

    I feel lucky that I found this out now because i have a nagging feeling this would eventually have gone further. I feel lucky that I found this community of people 3 days ago during a downward spiral of sorting through months of cell phone records. I have not let myself be silenced during this time and when he has referred to me punishing him, crucifying him or his penance has been done, I have stopped him and stood up for myself. I feel lucky that I can keep breathing when I don't feel like anything is functioning correctly. For now, we are trying to work through this together with counseling and kindness. I try to take each day one at a time and keep walking forward, even if it is slow and painful. This place has given me a little hope though so thank you. A little hope is better than none at all and maybe I'll even find a way to make that hope grow again.
    --KL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KL,
      I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's a familiar story.
      Please stop beating yourself up. You were loyal and trusting. He's the idiot for violating your trust. Many of us ignored those gut feelings...and one of the lessons we learn through this is that often we know when someone isn't trustworthy and it's wise to pay attention to that.
      Your rage is completely normal but I would caution you to find a way to vent that doesn't end up with you regretting anything. She's toxic. She's been cut out of your lives. Let her live with the consequences of what she's done. Don't think that what you see of her publicly is the whole story.
      You'll get through this though I know how hard it is to believe that. The day comes when the light begins to shine through again. And the day also comes when this is well and truly behind you.
      Take care of yourself. Counselling and kindness go a long way.

      Delete
    2. Since writing my first post I continue to struggle day to day. I'm so exhausted from hiding my pain from everyone around me. Each slight instance of feeling disrespected blows up into something bigger. It still feels like I continue to shoulder the burden of trying to move our lives forward. I was cleaning up the yard for fall and pulled all of these weeds and dead leaves away from our wedding altar in our yard. I told him this is a metaphor for how we've treated our marriage. Taken for granted and left to be covered by the evidence of time. I asked/begged him to hear me and if we wanted this to work, put us higher on the list of energy than our stupid jobs. I had us both take the 5 Languages of Love quiz so that we can try to show each other love in the way that means the most to each of us individually. As a result I've got very little to show. It means the most to me when someone does work/chores/things for me to show how they care about me. He has consistently worked 15 hour days in the last month to my 12 hour days but my long days mean very little. I have continued to run the household, shop, pay bills on time, wash all dishes, do all laundry (stopped doing his and it would sit on the floor in piles of clean or dirty), take the trash out, feed and care for the dogs, respond to family requests for time and so on. I struggle through my days at work feeling undervalued and overworked. Some moments he seems to understand and others it is back to the familiar, life is so hard for him and I need to support him more and more and more. I've read here how much each of us struggle back and forth so I know this story, just like my first post is not unfamiliar. I just wish this wasn't my life right now.
      --KL

      Delete
    3. KL,
      Is your husband depressed? What reasons does he have for leaving you to shoulder the burden of all the unpaid labour around your home? He seems completely disengaged, which does NOT help rebuild a marriage after betrayal.
      Sounds like you need to establish some clear boundaries around where your responsibility begins and ends. Getting clear on your own boundaries can help also with the resentment you're feeling. Decide what you will and won't do based on what feels fair. You can try and engage him in these decisions but it sounds as if he's not too interested. And then...don't beg/bribe/cajole him to do his share. He either does it or doesn't. If he doesn't, and it drives you crazy, hire someone to do it. Get a dog walker. Hire someone to help with chores around the house. You can't do it all without resentment, which is poison to a relationship.
      Are you in therapy? If not, please find someone to help you. You need a safe place to share your pain and to help you establish some new guidelines around your marriage. You can't rebuild a marriage alone. He's either in...or he's out. This isn't about HIM. It's about BOTH of you.

      Delete
  7. I posted on August 19th and signed it as Broken so there isn't any confusion. It's crazy to think almost a month has gone by since I posted that... time is such a blur, each day is such a blur. Not much has changed, my husband has been trying to hard to help me and reading a book for unfaithful spouses to help their faithful spouse heal but I just don't see how my heart will heal from this. The thought of the two of them together rips me up inside. Knowing he went to her house and didn't leave when she advanced at him makes me so angry and hurt. How to do you heal from your best friend, your 'safe place' essentially turning on you and betraying you in a massive way all for some cheap sex with a random. It disgusts me. It is agonizes going from having a man you respect, trust fully and even brag about to having an adulterous lying spouse. I just want the pain to end!!!!!! Please someone tell me things can get better??????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sweetheart, the pain is excruciating and it takes a long time to dissipate. You will never be able to un-know what you know about him. But you can watch him change and evolve and become the man he should have been all along. People screw up, some of us more than others. You don't have to forgive him, you don't have to give him a second chance -- that is completely your prerogative. But if you choose to, then give him time to learn from this. Use that time to help yourself process all this. Find a counsellor who can help you through the pain, or keep reading on this site from the many many women who've come out the other side.

      Delete
  8. Hi,
    It is now 6 months since I found out. And I am still devastated. We had been together (not married but living together) for over a decade, and I found out that he has been seeing the OW... THE WHOLE TIME. He had a casual sexual/non-emotional relationship with her before we got together and he just never ended it. I knew there was something wrong as he was never that into having sex with me. My previous partners had always pestered me for sex every night, but with him, it was always me making the move, which ended in a lot of rejection. He just didn't seem interested. Things finally came to a head in March, one of my friends saw them together going to a hotel. He admitted some of it, but most of the info, I got from her after I emailed her (they never contacted each other by phone - but through a secret email address that I found).

    He has stopped contact with her 100% and is making a real effort with me to be nice to me and treat me well. However, the sex is still non-existent. He never tries it on, yet I have seen the hundreds of emails between the two of them, where he is telling her he wants to have sex with her all the time.

    I am in my early thirties, attractive, slim-ish and otherwise, we have had a really good relationship - loads of interests in common - we have a great time together. The OW is very heavy and nothing special to look at all. I've seen his internet search history so I know he's not into bigger women.

    We are seeing a counsellor for sex therapy, but I feel it's not working at all. He had a sexual connection with the OW that he just doesn't have with me.

    I've read loads of these stories on this site, and I'm ashamed to say that I think ' i would give anything for my partner to have only had an affair for 1 year or for 6 months' that is totally recoverable. Cheating for over a decade from the beginning of our relationship? A lot harder!!!

    I'm ashamed to say that I HATE the OW with a passion. I've even created a blog with all the emails they sent each other with his name blacked out but with hers visible, along with photos of her. I know this is awful and unhealthy, but I want her to suffer like I am. I want her to have a reason to never get in touch with him (or any other attached man) again.

    I moved out as soon as I found all this out, but he has been coming up to my place most nights as we try to work this out.

    I think I'm depressed as I no longer keep in touch with my friends, and all I do is work and think about this.

    Please reply. I feel so isolated. All the advice on the net is for people who have been together for years before an affair occurs. Not for those dealing with affairs going on for the entire time. I feel like he didn't even give us a chance.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and sorry that I haven't been available to respond.
      Betrayal is incredibly isolating. So many of us feel lonely in our pain. But you're not alone. There are literally millions of us who know exactly how you feel. Your entire relationship no doubt feels like a fraud. Anyone capable of such deceit needs to do some serious therapy to figure out why they led such a double life.
      I'm wondering if you need to accept that, while your relationship is great is some ways, it's just not giving you what you need sexually. You want to be desired. You want to be intimate and he's not capable of giving you that. Whatever the reason, please know it's not your fault. I would suspect -- again given his double life -- that he's got some demons that are getting in the way of a healthy relationship.
      Whether you decide to keep trying with him or not, you need to make your own life your priority. It's no wonder you're depressed but try and make an effort to do things that feed you emotionally. Visit friends who make you feel good, take up a hobby that you've been curious about, exercise, eat well, sleep. And please know that you've got a safe place here to share your thoughts and find support. The circumstances in our stories might be different but the feelings are the same.

      Delete
    2. If I may add, as a man that has done what your husband has done (and I don't feel good about it now) I do know a few things about how hatred can take control of your life, how it can drag you down to the lowest point in your life and possibly lower. For yourself and only yourself please try and look at what you are doing with that website, posting all the hatred to that other woman. While you have a right to not like her, I truly think it is slowly killing you. Please try to just take it all down, don't let your hatred to her destroy the beauty you have inside yourself. I don't know what your husband sees in the other woman, maybe it's kinky, I don't know but I do know one thing about you, You are a beautiful person like every other lady on here, Don't let his years of deceit destroy that. John

      Delete
  9. Here is a very small portion of the letter I received last Wednesday from the OW. The original could rival a Master's thesis in length. For context, he works construction out of town alot.
    This is my husband's 2nd affair. Simply.....my soul is crushed. I don't know what to do next. I feel like a victim of a violent crime, not to be dismissive of real crime victims but I truly feel traumatized.

    "I wanted to inform you that your husband Dewayne and I have been having an affair for months now.

    And don't think that I have been the only one since that affair you found out about...he opened up to me about all of his many affairs on you before I came along and he also confessed that he had previously been frequenting strip clubs before me on a pretty consistent basis and paying for "private time" with the strippers (which would have worried me because we had and still have unprotected sex but he admitted and so did I that we both already had STDs, so why does it matter anyway?). What does matter though is that he was holding me in bed one night and told me that he no longer has any desire to visit those places or for viewing his pornography anymore because of me, even though I never asked him to stop. He said that for the first time in his life, he feels completely fulfilled with me...and our lovemaking happens with us at least 3-4 times a day every time we are together and would certainly be much more if his recovery time could keep up with his insatiable desire for me.

    Why am I telling you all of this? Why all the brutal honesty?

    Partly because I'm tired of carrying this weight...and because I love him enough that I don't want him to carry it any longer either...although he would continue to carry it if I asked him to....and partly because every woman, no matter who she is, deserves to know the truth...."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my god, Crushed, this woman is so unbelievably self-absorbed and self-important, not to mention an idiot. How magnanimous of her to give you such "brutal honesty", though I suspect the "honesty" part is somewhat questionable, the "brutal" part certainly isn't. How sad for her that she's been "carrying this weight". How empathetic that she can understand that "every woman, no matter who she is, deserves to know the truth". Give me a fucking break.
      If she was truly suffering some guilt, she would have made it short and sweet and offered up sincere apologies for being involved in any way. Nope -- this woman is trying to ensure that you are enraged enough to toss him to the curb with the hope that he'll turn to her now that his sorry ass no longer has an address. She's manipulative and cruel and pathetic and has the mental state of a 14-year-old girl.
      I wouldn't even respond, if you can resist. This woman survives on attention. She needs it like oxygen. Cut her off. She is poison. If you get any other letters, burn them. Or give them to a friend with instructions to lock them up.
      I'm so sorry about this. You're certainly not the first betrayed wife to have to deal with a crazy OW. But this is a doozy.

      Delete
    2. It was hard but I have resisted contacting her. She thought she was so smart sending it from an email account with no name. I found out all about her within 3 minutes....name, phone number, address, work, etc. And you're right, she is definitely like a middle school bully. In fact, I was bullied alot in school by this type of girl because I was awkward and studious. I assumed they grew out of that stage eventually. Guess not.

      Delete
  10. Yes, I read the letter aloud to him. And, of course, he says that while a great deal of it is true, there are lots of "untruths" in it as well. I'm feeling so lost. I'm having trouble even functioning right now. I want to reconcile but I CANNOT go through this again. How can I ever believe a word he says? I hate what this has made me become....a scared, fragile woman.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My husband had been working abroad for 2-3 years, out of town for about a week per month during that period. During that time I found a piece of paper in his pant pocket when I was doing the laundry with a massage palor name and number on it. As it was a dubiously named place I asked him about it and he said he'd asked for a massage recommendation as he knew it would be cheaper than at home. I said, well just be careful as massage could be dodgy there and handed him the piece of paper back. Something about the way he answered had me wondering so I googled the name and discovered it was basically a brothel - one price for full body massage and full sex and another for the same but taking the girl out of the premises. Not even a happy ending - full sex. When I confronted him about this he said he never went there and stuck to his story that he had asked for a massage recommendation. Over the space of a few weeks, he told me two separate answers as to how he got the number, the first time he said he'd asked a man he knew in his office and he slid the number across his desk to him, the second time he said he'd got the number in a nightclub when they were all drinking. The thing is I know for a fact this was his handwriting and had been written while he was sober. As this only made things worse, I googled the hotel he stayed in before he got an apartment there and found that it is the number one sex tourism hotel in the country. When I quizzed him about this he said he stayed there for the breakfast buffet and close proximity to his office. He is no longer working in that country as his deal has blown up but our marriage is now in tatters. We did try counselling but got nowhere. I am continuting therapy on my own and as of the other day have been put on antidepressants by my doctor as I'm in such a state of confusion and depression. I feel like I'm going crazy as I feel like the evidence tells me one thing and he's telling me another and I can't even forgive him when he insists he's done nothing. I'm literally wondering how much more I can take of this. I do still love him but there is no trust and I don't want him near me physically. To make things worse, he's always been very demanding physically and I've never turned him down which somehow makes all this worse for me and now I've shut down altogether. I would appreciate your advice as at times I feel like ending my marriage and then I wonder if I'm crazy to consider that when I have no confession from him but I don't really believe him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, you're in such a tough spot. I suspect you do know what's gone on. But without him admitting it, it leaves you feeling like you're crazy. So many of us have been there, wondering if we're losing our grip on reality.
      I'm curious why therapy didn't work for the two of you.
      Glad you're continuing therapy on your own. I think, given that you no longer trust him, it's clear that there's something unhealthy going on in your marriage. Even if he's telling the truth (which I kinda doubt), there's a reason you're feeling so repelled by him right now. Continue to explore what that's about in your own therapy. You call him "physically demanding", which indicates that you've been giving in to his demands when you haven't necessarily wanted to, which, again, indicates an unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. No matter what he's been up to, it sounds as if there are some issues in your marriage that need addressing.
      Good luck. Please don't hesitate to continue to share here as you work through this.

      Delete
  12. Hi Elle, thanks for taking the time to reply. Full disclosure, he had admitted to having sex with a prostitute prior to me discovering the other things hence why I'm struggling to believe the hotel choice and massage (brothel) number I found on him was innocent. He told me it was a one off due to him drinking too much so although it was a struggle I forgave him. However, when I figured out the rest of it I felt like I was back to square one again or worse. He tells me that he's a new man now, that he won't drink so much any more, which is true but he also insists that nothing else happened and I find it really hard to believe him. Yes, it does make me feel like I'm going crazy, like I'm losing my grip on reality, that he continues to insist nothing else happened. It's like mental torture sometimes and I find it to be worse in some ways that if he'd just admit to more infidelities.
    Therapy did not work as the first counsellor did not believe him and the second stayed neutral but intimated to me afterward that he had his doubts. Both of them wanted to leave that in the past and start afresh but I can't seem to do that when I have so many unanswered questions and want a husband who is honest and who I can trust and feel safe with and when I know he's stayed at that hotel and found a brothel phone number on him I find that pretty much impossible. The only problem is that I do still love him, although like I say, the physical side is non existant and I am very confused about things. I wish that either I knew the truth about what went on and got a full confession from him so that we could start afresh properly or that I no longer love him and so could walk away. As it is I feel stuck in an emotional no mans land where I am going round the bend. He doesn't really help as he sticks firmly to his story and can't give me any more information and yet he says he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Will he consent to a lie detector test? They're not foolproof but are pretty good. And it might just force the issue for your husband.
      I know that some women can accept this state of limbo but, like you, I couldn't. And given that you've got two therapists who seem to recognize, like you do, that there's more to the story than he's admitting, it would seem to leave you either accepting his fiction or your unconfirmed suspicions.
      Do you have full access to his electronics? Do you think his drinking is problematic?

      Delete
    2. Hi Elle, it's me again. I think my antidepressants are starting to kick in as I'm starting to think a bit clearer again. Things are pretty much at a stand still in our marriage as I can't seem to let him near me physically. Of course he is frustrated with me and he's calling me cold and saying I am starving him sexually until he is driven away. It's just the fact that I'm in such doubt and question whether I can trust him and feel so confused and depressed. Now that I have started to think clearer again I remember that it's not just the fact that he was with a prostitute (the only thing he's admitted to)
      or that I found a brothel phone number on him, I also found on his phone history a site called hot local girls.com which seems to be a hook up site and in addition I found on his laptop something about Anastasia dating agency
      which is a dating agency for men looking for Eastern European girls. I also found an email from an Eastern European girl to him but he said it was a solicitation or junk email. He has an excuse for everything which has literally sending me round the bend. To be honest, at this point in time I feel that if he has cheated and he's being dishonest with me that is worse than the infidelity as trying to make sense of it all and struggling to believe what he says seems like mental cruelty to me. The brothel number he says he got when looking for a supposedly legit massage, the hook up site, he says he was looking at instead of porn, the dating agency he says was nothing but junk email. I found the Anastasia dating agency I found out about when I printed off pages of research he'd done for my sons homework and Anastasia was advertised on the top of each page. To check I printed off some pages from my laptop and sure enough the shopping page I frequently browse was advertised on it. Now that I've gathered all the facts I want to ask my husband about them and see what he says or even just how he says it. I'm pretty sure he'll just get mad with me and continue to deny as he's done all along as I've questioned him with each separate incident as found. The thing is it just doesn't make sense to me at all and so I can't move on and make peace with it (or him). In your experience of reading things on here, what do you think? To me it doesn't make sense for good reason but I still can hardly wrap my head around all this info with the man I thought I was married to. I don't want to split up if it is all in my head (to quote him) but some days I think what I have already found is evidence enough that he has cheated more than once. Thanks in advance for your answer Elle.

      Delete
    3. Honey, I think he's lying through his teeth. There's just too much that doesn't add up. Imagine if your friend came to you with the same evidence -- would you believe her husband's denials? Or would you tell her she might want to meet with a lawyer and create some sort of exit plan?
      I'm also interested in your husband's response to all this. People who are innocent don't get angry. They might feel compassion for your discomfort. They might worry about you...but they wouldn't necessarily get angry. What's more, his accusation that you're "driving him away" is bullshit. It takes two people to create intimacy. Clearly you don't feel safe. That's BOTH of your problems...not just yours.
      I think it's time to assume that he's been cheating...or at least has had intention to...and to figure out whether you're in a healthy marriage. Anger because you have feelings that make him uncomfortable is a red flag. Accusations that withholding sex will drive him away is a red flag. A whole bunch of coincidences re. dating sites/apps on his computer/phone/etc. BIG RED FLAG.
      I want you to read up on gas lighting, which is very real and completely crazy-making. And I think that's exactly what he's doing to you. In short, gas lighting re. infidelity is when your husband insists that you're the crazy one, he's a total innocent. A longer version is here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

      Delete
  13. I've started typing out my story on here so many times, only to delete it before hitting publish. I'm so grateful I found this site as it has helped me immensely. My story is incredibly long, but the short version is that my husband and I are working our way through reconciliation, however, the ow is pregnant (I, and he agrees now that he's on the outside looking in, that she wanted to get pregnant so he would leave me). She was also sleeping with her ex at the same time as my husband, and based on due date, it was very possible it could belong to either of them. She did have a prenatal dna test done that excluded the ex, however, this was before I found out she was pregnant, so we do not have one matching my husband's dna and since I've read iffy results on those tests, we are not re-testing until after the baby comes in the early part of 2016. We are committed to our reconciliation and to being involved with the child if it is indeed my husband's baby, although obviously we're praying hard everyday that it is not. Is there anyone that has been in a similar situation? It throws a whole new light on reconciliation as we will, to a certain extent, have to be in communication with her forevermore (sounds dramatic, but I'm feeling rather dramatic, I only found out 2 weeks ago she is pregnant) and also brings up additional feelings as prior to the affair, I was hoping we could start trying for #2 in January. I'm so glad there is a "sisterhood" per se to lean on, this experience has really, and will continue to, show us who our true friends are.

    ReplyDelete
  14. My Story- Part 1
    I have been reading this blog for a couple of weeks. Words cannot express how grateful I have been to find this site. It has really helped me through some rough times lately to see not only how many of us there are, but how even though our stories are different we are all going through the same things.
    D-day for me was April 30th of this year, so almost exactly six months ago. At about 10:00 in the morning I received a “packet” via certified mail. I am a nurse and thought for sure I was being named in a lawsuit or receiving a summons to testify in a lawsuit. I was sick at the thought of either one of these things, but what I found when I opened the “packet” was so much worse. Inside I found approximately 200 pages of text messages, pictures and emails between my husband and a woman he used to work with.
    My husband is a police officer and the woman in the messages was a dispatcher. I know….could they be any more cliché!! I got physically sick. This couldn’t be happening! Especially not with HER!! She is ten years older than me, about an inch shorter and a hundred pounds heavier. Aren’t affairs supposed to happen with younger, prettier women?? But here was the proof. Undeniable proof!! There were naked pictures of her in my bed. Naked pictures of him in our bedroom, bathroom, car, most sent with me in the other room. Details of an affair dating back twenty years. Yep, twenty years…this little tryst started at least six years before I even met him!! This is a second marriage for both of us and I am several years younger than him. So when I did the math they had actually started this affair when I was a senior in high school. So yes, my life is basically a Jerry Springer episode!!
    I couldn’t believe what I was looking at! How could I have dated, married and lived for fourteen years with this man and never had a clue!! That’s the question I get asked most often. How could you not have noticed, suspected, wondered….etc? But to be honest I completely trusted my husband. Honestly looking back I can’t think of one time in fourteen years of marriage that I would ever have suspected him of this kind of deceit.
    Anyway….so although I wish now that I hadn’t, I read through ever text and looked at every picture. I even found out that when her husband started to get suspicious he sent some risqué pictures of me to her husband in the hopes that we would also begin an affair so they could continue theirs. All I could think was what kind of sick individual not only betrays his spouse by having an affair, but completely violates her trust by sending intimate pictures between the two of them to another man without her knowledge or consent!! I felt “pimped out”, for lack of a better word!!
    I called my husband at work and told him I’d received a packet and it looked as though he and the OW had been having an affair for quite some time. To his credit, he didn’t deny it! I told him to “get his S*** and get out!” I then hung up the phone and started throwing his possessions into garbage bags and putting them out in the driveway. I couldn’t believe I was going through this again (my first husband had multiple affairs-including getting my best friend pregnant). For the first few hours I was just numb. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t sad. I was just in shock! I felt like an idiot! How could this have gone on right under my nose from the time we met? Why did he even date and marry me? What was I going to do now?

    ReplyDelete
  15. My Story- Part 2
    I ended up speaking with the OW’s spouse (he is the one that sent the packet). He said he had known for a while and had been collecting proof since then. He said he confronted his wife about six months ago and she had shown no remorse and no signs of ending things, so he finally sent me the “packet,” because he knew I wouldn’t be able to believe it without details. I supposed he’s probably right, but man how those details and images hurt now!!
    Anyway, I know this is a long story, but after I kicked my H out we didn’t talk for a couple of days and then I called to discuss “arrangements.” He apologized profusely and told me he, “couldn’t believe he’d hurt the only woman he’d ever really loved.” He asked me if we could try to work things out? If we could see a marriage counselor (something he’d been refusing for years)? I told him I still loved him, but I didn’t know if I could ever forgive him for what he’d done. I feel like our whole marriage had been a lie, but we agreed to keep talking. I have one friend I can talk to that doesn’t judge me or act like I’m crazy and she told me, “You can always get divorced. Six months down the road. Two years down the road, no one will even bat an eyelash if you decide you just can’t do this, but you only get one chance to try and make it work. So if you have any doubts about leaving the marriage now is the time to see if there’s hope, because once you’re divorced you can’t undo it.”

    ReplyDelete
  16. My Story- Part 3
    So long story short. We are seeing a marriage counselor, both IC and MC. I let him move back in a little while ago and most of the time things are good. He’s so remorseful and is doing everything in his power to try to “make up” for everything he’s done. In fact sometimes I feel bad, because I’m the one blowing up the marriage now. I’m so angry at times. I hate him! I hate her! I can’t get the images out of my head and I feel physically ill at the thought of them in my house! In my bed!! I keep asking him over and over again…why he married me? Why even propose and go through the sham of getting married if you were going to keep screwing another woman?? Of course he has no answers, because I think there really are no answers. For those of us that have been betrayed we can’t envision a series of events in which we would ever do something so despicable. He tells me he never had feelings for her. She was just “convenient” like a prostitute, but without the cost, but their text messages ring in my ears. The things he told her about me….about our marriage are still rolling around in my head. For those of you who wish you knew more, I can tell you it’s a double edged sword. Yes, I know exactly what happened, how it happened and what took place, but I can never un-see the things I’ve seen and un-read the things I’ve read. To be honest I wish I knew less. I wish I could just get the details from my husband and not have the actual physical words and pictures in my mind. It does nothing but hurt me over and over again. I still don’t know if I can ever forgive him or even come close to anything resembling trust again, but right now I’m just doing what my friend advised and seeing if there’s any hope for my marriage. If not I can divorce him knowing I gave it a try, but it was just too much to get past.
    Anyway, I just want to say how grateful I am to have found this group. It’s a group I never wanted to be a part of and seriously would not wish on my worst enemy, but it’s so nice to not feel alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. The pain you've been in is excruciating -- we all know it too well.
      It sounds as if you have a wise friend. I hope your husband is taking this incredible opportunity to get to the bottom of his own behaviour and figure out just who he wants to be. I hope you, too, will find some professional support to help you heal from not just this but your first husband's betrayal. To go through this once is tough enough.
      And please keep sharing here. The rage, the hate, the sadness, the hope -- it's all normal under these crazy circumstances.

      Delete
    2. I agree with you; the voicemails I found from my h first physical affair partner are burned in my brain. In one of them she talked about a day they spent together which I figured out was the day my brother got married 10 years ago; that day is now ruined for me and I cant stand to look at pix of me & my h from that event (I was just looking at one yesterday, when I was feeling very triggered).

      I wish I could un know that exact date!

      My husband says although the women he slept with (2 that I know of) wanted him to leave me and marry them (even though they were both married with kids themselves), and i'm sure he had some feelings for them, he never loved them the way he loved me; no way he would ever marry either of them; not even close. Same for him; they were free (what he thought would be casual no strings attached) sex. Who almost throws away a marriage and 2 kids and great home and life and wife for that? Apparently MANY men. He says like all cheaters he never thought he would be caught so he wasn't jeopardizing anything.

      Good luck to you and I know where you are coming from sister. Although my husband's affairs did not span the length of our relationship, he has had emotional and physical affairs and sexting relationships with other women for almost the entire length of our marriage, for over 10 years, until d day. It took a long time for me not to feel that our whole marriage was a lie. I still feel that way, very infrequently and for a brief time. It does get better with a whole lot of work and a whole lot of time (2+ years and counting).

      Delete
    3. Thanks Elle and Sam- This website is a tremendous resources. It feels so good to know others have been where I am and have survived. I know that sounds so "teenage girl-ish," but some days the pain seems so intense it doesn't seem like it will ever go away!

      Delete
  17. Oh, my I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. There's no easy way to put it all away and move on. I'm 15 months out from my D-Day and there have been so many horrible things I've seen, read, and learned, and every time I look at him I think about them all. All I can say is that it's a day by day process of making a choice to stay and try. I don't think--no-not think--I will never trust or respect my husband again. I will never forgive him. But I will find a way to work around it and enjoy what we have now, for as long as I can. There may come a day when it's finally all too much, but not today. It's helped me to have a mantra like "this is the new reality" or "good riddance to the old life." Or you could use my personal favorite: "Just keep swimming." It's all we can do when faced with the darkness. Good luck to you and stay strong. You can do it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have been following this blog for some time as I am nearly 8 months post D-Day (02/20/15)! It has given me such amazing help and strength! This is my first post and I am sorry if it’s too wordy, but it’s my story! My H and I have been married for 19 years with three amazing kids (19, 17, & 13). My discovery happened while at work on a Friday afternoon. My H was out of town on a guy’s trip in the mountains. We were in the process of selling a rental home and I logged into his email to see if he had responded to an info request regarding the property. I went to his "Sent Items Folder" where I noticed a lot of outgoing emails to a woman's name. As I began opening the emails and one by one they revealed photos of my husband, including one in his underwear in our bathroom. Others were photos of the inside of our rental property with messages asking her opinion on paint colors etc. At that very moment I realized my life was forever changed! A tender, loving, caring, giving man, a wonderful husband, an outstanding father washed away in a matter of seconds! My heart broke instantaneously! I wish I had done more digging before I texted him! I did go to Facebook and saw her name in his list of friends and scoured her page! Let's just say my husband definitely downgraded! I texted him and wanted to know who she was & why was he sending her pics of himself in his underwear!?! He initially tried to play it off that she was the person who had sold him some It-Works wraps and it was his before photo! How F'ing stupid did he think I was! He was away for three days, which hind sight was probably the best place for him to be during the discovery...it probably saved his life and my marriage! For three straight days I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, we texted non-stop (I couldn't bear to speak to him on the phone)! Slowly the details emerged of his 5 month long emotional affair with a woman he knew as a kid when visiting his grandparents. They had spent 5 months texting and messaging on Facebook. He got caught because he was too dumb to know how to send a picture thru Facebook messages, so he emailed them. Looking back at the month prior to discovery, I realize that I subconsciously knew something. I was having a heaviness in my chest, even went to the doctor about it. I had dreams that he I had caught him having sex with someone else. During a night away, I uncharacteristically said “I hope you never leave me!” I never say things like that. Sadly, I had seen the photos he had sent to her in our photostream between our iPhones and given the fact that I totally trusted him, I believed his explanation. It was during these weeks he was breaking away from her. Trying to distance himself and having only general, friendly conversations with her. Like you can ever go back to being friends after that kind of relationship! He deleted his Facebook account and immediately cut off all contact! We worked very hard for the first 5 months including counseling, total transparency, tears, soul searching, apologies and a whole lot of ass kissing! At around 5 months, a family member contacted me and said that she thought our kids knew more than we thought and we needed to talk to them. We had worked very hard to keep it hidden from our children while we were trying to figure out where were going! We sat our three children down to talk about the heartbreaking story! I didn't think my heart could break any more than it already had and then my 13 year old daughter broke down and bared her soul! She had my husband's phone on New Year's Eve and had intercepted a whole lot of messages and pictures between my H & his whore! Nothing sexual, nothing nude but enough to break a little girl's heart, that's for sure! I died a little that day! It was the most painful moment in my 40 years of life! My baby girl hugged me and with a quiver in her voice and tears in her eyes she said "I don't know why you stay, I wouldn't"! Talk about soul crushing words from your pride and joy

    ReplyDelete
  19. Part 2
    My H had claimed that he had only seen her one time for 10 minutes when she brought her ridiculous product samples. A few days after my daughter's confession, we were on a long car ride and she looked at me and said "I know Dad said he didn't meet her, but that is pure lies." I didn't want to press her and put her in the middle, but I asked why she thought that. She then gave me exact words from the messages, which clearly indicated there was more to the story than I had been lead and promised to believe! I immediately contacted my husband (after she got out of the car) and after quite the blow up he confessed they had met the day she brought the samples, they kissed briefly and then went to lunch! At least he got paid, so the whore got paid! Two days later he confessed to two other meetings that involved not contact (or so he says). Needless to say I find myself reluctant to believe a single word he says! H swears there was never sex of any kind, no nude photos! H swears he never stopped loving me and there was never talk of leaving their spouses. The way he describes it is it was like an addiction to the attention. An ego boost! She is nothing like me! She is superficial, narcissistic, egotistical, self-absorbed, tons of makeup, fake nails, hair extensions, everything is covered in bling and rhinestones! Oh and married with 6 kids! She got pregnant in high school....shocking! LOL She's got a big ass, thunder thighs and calves that rival my thighs! I know everyone says you should avoid contact with the AP but that's not in my nature! She lives 40 minutes away and not in our county, but I knew she would be at our county fair pimping out her fat-wraps and pills for weight loss (she should use more!! LOL) I walked right into her tent and there she stood with her husband sitting on the stool behind her! OH my! What to do! What to do! I had messaged her right after discover to never contact my H again. She first claimed old friends reconnecting on Facebook, but I laid out my evidence and said I'd be happy to share with her H. She conceded and agreed to No contact. I also told her I never wanted to see her face again, or I'd expose her! I warned her! Anyway, when I went into her tent she asked if I needed help, I said "No, I am just here to see it for myself". She asked if I wanted a brochure?! LOL I said don't you know who I am? She said "Yes, I know who you are and I am very sorry." Wow! She was sorry! LOL I'll spare you the play by play of the conversation, but I was prepared to walk out without totally exposing her! Then she used the "F Word"! She had the balls to look me in the face and say it was a "FRIENDSHIP"! Oh Hell! Then I let it fly! The messages, the pictures, the kissing, the meetings right in front of her husband! He was like a deer in the head lights! She just kept apologizing and saying she'd been praying for me! We all need a whore praying for us, don't we? LOL Anyway, I never raised my voice, didn't swear once (which is a miracle in itself), and I didn't throat punch that whore! I got things off my chest and it felt damn good! I told her I hope that the current & future husbands of her 6 daughters don't have friends like her! She might see it differently! Confronting her was my greatest hurdle! I wish I had done it sooner! I am sure this isn't for everyone, but for a person like me...you don't get to piss on my life and walk away unscathed! After that day, I finally started to move forward! Little by little. My H does all the right things, I still have triggers! I still have bad days! I think about it every day and sometimes I still cry! We spent last week in Puerto Rico for my 40th birthday and our 19th anniversary. Working to rebuild what was lost, but only better! Looking back at those days after my daughter told us about what she knew I gave her great advice even though I didn't necessarily 100% believe it!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Part 3
    I told her that we are all human! We all make mistakes, some bigger than others! The Bible says we should forgive as quickly as the Lord forgives us. I am not quite there but I am working on it. I told her that my H, her Dad is a good man! He's been hardworking, loving, and supportive and made many sacrifices for us a family. One string of bad decisions doesn't make him a bad person, it makes him human. I told her that he deserves forgiveness from God, from me and from her and her brothers. I reminded her that we are not perfect and the someday we may make a horrible mistake and what a gift it would be for those we love the most to be able to forgive us! I know I would want that and deep down I know my H would give it to me! We talked about how some things are worth fighting for! 19 years, 3 kids, and a whole lot of really awesome memories are worth fighting for! He lost his way in some mid-life crisis, feel good situation! My journey to forgiveness is far from over! It's a daily decision! I do know that from what I have seen these last 8 months that if we can work thru this and continue to rebuild I will have a better marriage than I was ever going to have before the affair. It's no guarantee we won't fall, but what if we fly?? I plan to stick around long enough to feel the wind under my wings!

    Love & Hugs to all who are here against their will!
    LEARNING TO FLY

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you took the time to share your story. And kudos to you for confronting the OW without winding up with a murder conviction. Well done! Learning to forgive is one of the hardest things, isn't it? And we live in a culture that doesn't really encourage it. But it's really the only way to liberate ourselves from the pain too, isn't it?

      Delete
  21. Hi,
    I have been reading this blog for some weeks now. You are such brave women. I hope you can help one that is very lost.
    I have been married for 10 years, have two beautiful kids, 8 and 3. My D-day was two and a half months ago, I was suspicious for two months before D-day, but to my shock this had been going on for a year and a half. I know I love my husband, I know I want to try to stay together. But I am so confused. I have so many mixed feelings. I go from hating him for what he has done and wanting to hurt him as much as I can, to feeling lonely and sad for what I have lost, to feeling I am a strong woman that can deal with this and move on. All these emotions are so strong it is overwhelming. But most times I just feel sad and cry. Why did this happen to me? I am a good person...
    It is a lonely road. I have a big family and they are there for me, but they don´t really get why I would want to try to keep my family together. To be honest, if it were one of my sister´s going through this, neither would I.
    My H works in another city and his OW is a coworker. This is good in a way, bad in others. Good because no one knows her, so only my family and some close friends know about what is going on. If we stay together I don´t want everybody to know what an asshole I am married to. But it is also very lonely; I go to work every day feeling miserable, but nobody knows what I am going through. I hide in the bathroom to cry myself out so that no one will notice. I go back home and try to take care of my kids without them noticing that mommy is a mess.
    And then H still works with her. He has promised not to talk to her unless it is for work, and I want to believe him. He answers any questions I have and seems remorseful and trying to do everything to make me feel better. But even if he is keeping his promise, just knowing he sees her kills me. He can´t change jobs now, so that is something I have to live with.
    I just turned 40 this year. Never thought I would be here at this point of my life. I guess no one does.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everything you're describing pretty much sums up the experience for all of us. The roller coaster of emotions, the shame at staying with an "asshole", the stress of hiding our feelings and trying to raise children when we're falling apart. All I can say is that the road straightens out with time. As long as you and your husband are working toward rebuilding a marriage, as long as he's willing to do the hard work of figuring out why he cheated, as long as you can be gentle with yourself and trust that you're strong enough to get through this, you will be fine. It's hard to believe, I know. But you will.
      His exposure to the OW is a big part of your pain. Are there any options that would get him away from her? Can he transfer departments? Apply for other jobs? It's tough enough to reconcile when the OW is completely cut out. It's harder, of course, when she's still a part of your lives, even if peripherally. I would really urge you to see if you can figure out a plan.

      Delete
    2. Thank you Elle for your reply.
      Yes, having the OW still in the picture is part of the pain. But unemployment is high where we live and changing jobs is not an option. He could ask for a transfer to the office in our hometown, but even so it would take an entire year to actually be transfered. And then it would mean a high salary cut off since the position here is inferior. That wouldn´t be a problem if we can get through this crisis together, but if in the end there is a divorce, we both agree he´d be better off staying where he is because he could help more with child support.
      I am not sure yet how things are going to work out. Most of the time I think I want to stay together, but not all the time. Some days I just feel it would be so much easier to quit. I don´t want to make any decision until I am more stable emotionally (I´ve read your advice from 6 months to a year). So until we see a little better how we do in the future, I don´t want to push him into having to transfer, and he doesn´t want to transfer because he is scared to death that he is going to lose everything, not only his wife and family but also the income that he will need to live on and support his kids if we divorce.
      But I have asked him to move out of our home, he is now renting his own house. And I don´t intend to let him back until he is really far away from that OW.
      But he seems sincere when he tells me he doesn´t talk to her and he says he is never in the same room as she is, unless there is work involved. I want to believe him. It is just very hard.

      Delete
    3. Butterfly,
      There's nothing about this that's easy. But it sounds as if you've got really clear boundaries and that's going to serve you well. Glad you're here -- keep us posted.

      Delete
  22. Elle I just told my story a short time ago, in the comment section of one of your posts that touched my heart and soul, There is no "cure" for heartbreak after betrayal, only healing. I have been reading your blog for years and it has helped me in ways you will never know. For that I thank you. Unlike many people I don't have a huge group of friends, instead I have a small group of loyal trusted friends that I value highly. My best friend, my next door neighbor, is so very dear to me. She was a person I told about my husband's affair in the very beginning. She has never wavered, she has been there for me never judging. Only listening, drying my tears and holding me up when I felt I could no longer stand. She has been married for 25 years as my husband and I have. Her daughter's and I were planning a surprise 25th wedding anniversary party for them. She called me yesterday and told me that there would be no party. She then went on to tell me that her husband, who she trusted completely has had multiple affairs over the years, six that he has confessed to so far. I strongly believe there is much trickle truth going on for reasons I won't go into now.

    Devastating is an understatement. Many times when she was letting me vent she told me how strong she felt I was and that she could never live through her husband doing something like my husband's affair. This is her journey to walk and I want to be there every step of the way to try to help. I don't want to discourage her with the difficulties we have had in healing. How do I support her in her grief? There is so much I want to say. I want to warn her how very hard it is and at the same time give her a little hope. How in the world do I help her and yet at the same time prepare her for what is to come? I don't want to diminish what she is about to go through and at the same time I want her to prepare for how very difficult it is going to be. Of course she is still in a state of shock. I am heartbroken for her and it has brought up so much pain for me remembering those early days after discovery. Any words of advice will be greatly appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CherylRN,
      How lucky for each of you that you've got the strength of support of each other.
      There isn't anything you can say. As you know, the pain is agonizing. But she can see you and know clearly that this is survivable. In the meantime, simply be with her in her pain. Let her know that she is not alone in this. That you are there to cry with her, to hold her, to drop soup off at her front door and remind her, as often as she needs reminding, that she is worth so much to you.
      I had a similar experience a few years ago. The friend to whom I shared this (she worked in the same office as my husband and was suspicious. I finally spilled the beans) came to me with the news that her husband had an affair. She'd already supported me through so much that she almost fast-tracked through the worst of it. And we were able to cry and laugh and share our stories. Today, she's doing great. Still with her husband though she'd be fine without him, I'm sure.
      CherylRN, you can't "fix" this. You can only be with her. Which is enough.

      Delete
    2. I don't think there is a man on earth capable of fidelity. Am I cynical?

      Delete
  23. Thank you Elle. Yes, yes we are both lucky to have each other. I went to her this afternoon and just sat with her and let her talk. Just trying to process this monster that is infidelity. We cried, we also laughed a little. I just let her know I will be there for her each step of the way. She is in that place I remember so well, survival mode. I will remind her to eat, tell her to try to rest her weary soul and body. I have pointed her in the direction of your wonderful blog that has helped me so much. I am happy to hear that your friend is doing well. I am sure that you played a huge part in her healing. It helps to have someone to look to who has made this painful journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As the wonderful Ram Dass says, "We're all just walking each other home." :)

      Delete
  24. Part 1
    I know my situation isn’t nearly as bad as most of the ones that are posted in this site, but I feel absolutely betrayed and my self-esteem is shattered. I have read throughout this site over and over, but never posted. In fact, I’ve never posted on any site, ever. I will take Elle’s advice in writing and sharing what happened to me.
    Let me start by saying I’m from a country in Europe and English is not my native language so please forgive me if I make any language or grammatical mistakes.
    I have always considered myself as a good person. I have a temper, no argue with that, but nobody is perfect. I am caring and loving. I owe to my parents and my family what I’ve accomplished in life. They have given me the education and means to carry on my life. I’m a corporate lawyer, in one of the largest companies in my country. I am fortunate to be considered really good at my job and I love it. I have travelled all around the world, had contact with many different cultures and people. I speak five languages. I don’t have financial problems, own my house and pay the bills. I think I can also say that I’m considered as a beautiful woman. Why did I convince myself that all this made me an amazing woman??? It is worth nothing…
    I was married for 8 years, and we got divorced. We were the best of friends, but my ex-husband and I agreed that we were not happy and that we were fooling ourselves in continuing a marriage without love, just because we got along so well… In fact, let me say that we are still good friends until this day.
    A few months after the divorce, I started to become really interested in a man. At that time, he was going through a divorce process (a complicated one, because he has two children – teenagers, at the time). We absolutely fell in love with each other over the time, and have been together for 7 years now. His divorce process took a long time, we endured so much, but we always believed that our love would be stronger than anything. I have gone a mile for him and his kids. I tried to be always be there, for everything. His family does not like me very much, and makes a point in showing that, but I never gave it much of an importance – it’s normal, they were “used” to his ex-wife, she is the mother of his kids, so I tried just to let it go and be kind and respectful. But never, ever, did I let anyone put me down, disrespect me or treat me in an ill manner. I am his wife now, period. My family, on the other hand, received him with an open heart and everybody made him feel welcome (we are a very, very, close family).

    ReplyDelete
  25. Part2
    We have, for these 7 years, done everything together. Have passed through great moments and tough moments, always together. His kids weren’t easy to handle (teenagers with their parents divorcing aren’t easy, obviously) but we have managed to make everything work. Well, mostly “I” have managed to make things work, by negotiating, giving in to some things and standing up to others… He was a caring, loving and helpful husband.
    Until I began to feel things weren’t quite “right”. I think most of you know exactly this feeling, and it isn’t good… He started to call me much less that he used to during the day, his phone had now a password, and he became less “caring” and a bit distant. I just knew something was not right (please, doesn’t he know that my job is to know when people are lying???). So, I decided I was going to discover what was going on. And I did. Last month, he changed to a new cell phone. I knew the password to the old phone (men try, but are really not that good at hiding things), and saw the messages and the calls… Well, I saw some messages – the ones he hadn’t deleted. Nothing like the ugly and dirty things I have read and read about here in this site, but, nonetheless, he clearly was having an affair. And the first message I found was from 1 1/5 year ago! This meant that all our life together for at least 1 1/5 year was nothing but a lie. I was numb for about an hour. Really, with no reaction, just sitting on the floor. But then I got furious. Absolutely furious. WHY was the first question. Why? Why? Why? After all I have been through with him, for him, with his family, with his kids, he does this?
    Well, I am very accustomed to hide my feelings and what I’m thinking (again, it’s my job…), so I got a grip on myself and he didn’t even suspect anything was different. The next day, when I was at work (I don’t even know how I managed to go to work that day, and act just like it was a “regular” day) I sent him an e-mail with a copy of some of the messages, while he was at his MBA classes. Do you believe he tried to deny? Of course you do – they all deny, don’t they? Latter, at home, he admitted to the messages (well, I’d putted a copy right in front of his face!!!). He swore that it was just “messages”, nothing “important” happened between them, she was abroad, he had no contact with her except for the messages, bla, bla, bla. He said he has met her many years ago, way before he knew me, and that nothing ever happened between them, they were just friends (right…). The best part of my husband’s explanation: he was just supporting her, she was having a hard time (the poor thing…), struggling with a lot of financial difficulties because her husband has cancer and cannot work anymore. And she has kids and no one to help and support her where she lives. Lovely! Her husband is seriously ill and the loving wife is taking care of him (and the kids) by having an affair with another man, and a married one. And my dear husband is being supporting, and a good friend! Lies! Liar! (I don’t really know how to “properly” swear in English, but you get the idea - think of a really, really bad word: I’m saying it in my language…)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Part 3
    I know this was not my fault, so why do I feel like there’s something wrong with me – he confided in her, he talked with her every single day (just after leaving home in the morning and during the day), he shared a lot with her. And he has hidden it from me all this time. I found out that he would call her all the time, including on our vacations, on the holidays, on my birthday, on his kids’ parties. I’ve even found messages from her saying “don’t call or send messages now, because my husband is fixing my cell”. How clearer can it be?

    I’m trying to make our marriage work, and he does recognize that what he has done was wrong and that he has hurt me so bad. I admit I remind him of this every day. I need to. I need to try to get the anger out. But he only admitted to what I’ve shown him, and regarding all the rest (and, yes, I have no doubt that there is more to this story), he says nothing. He just says that “I don’t want to talk about this matter anymore” and “we need to stop talking about this in order to be happy”. Right. So easy for him… It’s been 1 month since my D-Day!!!

    Thanks to all of you for the support you have already gave me just by reading your posts!!! Love to you all - you are indeed strong ladies.

    Maria

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maria,
      Your story sounds like so many others on this site. A strong capable wife. And a husband who ends up with some messed up woman whose life is falling apart. Or at least she claims it is. And he can feel like some knight in shining armour. Give me a break.
      While you can't force him to admit to more (and though he might be telling the truth that there isn't more, I tend to doubt it), you can make it clear that there's simply no way to move forward in your marriage is he continues to set the parameters for your relationship. He doesn't get to decide that you're both done talking about it. He doesn't get to set the rules for your reconciliation. As Steam on this site says, "My heartbreak. My rules." You need to figure out what you need to move forward. I imagine a big part of your issue -- WHY he did this -- has yet to be answered. Regardless of whether the affair was physical or emotional, it was a betrayal. And why would he risk his marriage for this secret "friendship". He needs to understand what he was getting out of it in order to ensure that he doesn't cross those boundaries again.
      The marriages that survive and indeed thrive after infidelity are those in which both partners, but especially the betraying partner, do the hard work of figuring out why they went outside their marriage for what they should have been keeping inside their marriage. Until he can understand that, then he can't really reassure you that he won't do it again.
      Hang in there, Maria. Insist upon the answers that you need. Brace yourself for more info.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for your words, Elle. I know you are absolutely right. How can I be so tough on everything else in my life, and suddenly I feel like all my strength as gone away?? Please believe that you are a great help for all of us in this site. You take time to advise all these women who are going through the worst time of their lives. You reassure all of us that we are not to blame and that it is not our fault that our lives are falling apart. I’m so many miles away, and see that you have been through so much (much, much worse than I have…), and still you took the time to answer me. Your words somehow have made me feel a little better and when I looked at the mirror this morning I saw that, yes, I am a beautiful and strong woman. I’m worth it. For that, I truly thank you.

      Maria

      Delete
    3. Maria,
      You keep looking at that woman, each and every day, and remind yourself that you will get through this. Get clear on what you need moving forward and don't disrespect yourself.

      Delete
  27. Hi all! I'm in need of advice- desperately. It's been a little over two months since I found my other half talking to another woman on social media. The conversation consisted of his unhappiness with our relationship, some of my flaws, and ended with setting up a date to meet. To Make a long story short, I ended up coming home about 8 days after the event happened and agreed to give our family a second chance. We have 2 daughters, 8 &5 years old. He's been doing well in showing me he is committed. He is doing things that stopped long before I caught him (affectionate, considerate, etc.) The truth is we are both working at moving forward. The major problem is I'm having a hard time with some of the answers I was given when this all came to light. The 3 main questions I have 1. How long were you unhappy? - I don't know exactly was his answer. 2. What were you unhappy about, how did you feel? I don't really know. We were arguing a lot maybe ...was his answer to that. 3. Why? Guess this answer... I don't know, I do t have an answer for that. He says that once he was caught and I left he realized how wrong he was and what a mistake it was. He says he is going to prove to me that I'm the one he loves and he doesn't want anyone else. He is doing a good job for the most part. I just can't seem to shake these questions and honestly feel like I need them answered. He like a lot of men, is horrible at verbalizibg his feelings and a lot of time it frustrates me, causing tears and that shuts him down even more. I don't want to bring this up all the time, but these questions are burning inside of me. I also don't want this swept under the rug. We haven't spoke too much about it in the last few weeks, so I'm a little nervous. Any advice would be amazing! Please!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to add, I didn't go into complete detail because typing it all out on a cell phone is difficult- i have to say that I've never been betrayed like this before, and have NEVER felt so shattered. This is the first place I have found that others will truly understand the pain and torment. I need advice from someone who knows first hand what I'm feeling. Please feel free to ask more about my situation if you have any words. You're all beautiful!

      Delete
    2. I see this time and time again. A husband gets caught, realizes what he almost lost and swears it will never happen again. And he means it. But unless he really comes to understand what it was that he was seeking, then, once the dust has settled, those old issues will resurface. They need to be addressed within the context of why he cheated. He needs to really understand what put him on that path so that the can recognize it when it happens again BEFORE risking his marriage.
      I think one of the main conditions for reconciliation must be counselling for the betraying spouse in order to get clear on things. I can't imagine staying with someone who won't commit to doing the hard work of sorting himself out.
      You can't sweep this under the rug and hope to actually create a healthier, stronger marriage. If he wants a marriage with you, then he needs to work hard at understanding what he did and why he did it. And you need to be able to discuss this with him in an environment of mutual respect and commitment to rebuilding an honest relationship.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Elle. I appreciate it. I will talk to him this evening. We shall see how it goes. I guess,to be honest, part of me is afraid to get push back from him, because as I mentioned discussing feelings are definitely not his strong suit. I need to firm on this, and make this a requirement.

      Delete
    4. Blindsided,
      I would urge you to make sure you feel strong within your own boundaries before you insist on ultimatums. If you insist...and then back down when he pushes back, you're just affirming an already unhealthy dynamic. It's not about you making demands, frankly, but about you needed an environment in which you feel safe to share your own feelings, which include your pain around what he did. It will undoubtedly trigger his own shame and guilt...but he needs to understand that's part of the deal. It's impossible for you to heal without him agreeing to own up to some really uncomfortable feelings on his part without getting defensive or putting up walls. It can really help to have a therapist work with both of you through this.

      Delete
    5. Blindsided, your h and my h are giving the exact same answers to the same questions! I am also so hurt and frustrated. I empathise with you. But weirdly, I think that if he can't tell me 'why', then maybe there is no good reason and maybe he will one day wake up to reality and regret his cheating. I wish. In my heart I know that Elle is right. We have precious little chance of reconciling if he doesn't even know himself what went wrong in the first place.

      Delete
  28. You're absolutely right, Elle. I told him today that I need to know why, what took him to that place. He did get defensive as I thought he would. I didn't push it. I kind of put it out on the table, let him know that I will follow up and left him alone. I didn't give an ultimatum. But atleast I got it out there. Atleast he knows it's not just going away. Time will tell how it unfolds. As far as therapy, I've really been considering it. Financially I'm not sure how I could pull it off, but I am realizing I may need more help. As for him, I truly believe that he is hoping to avoid bringing anything up and that it would just get laid to rest. I will pursue it, because I need to. I know it will take him time to open up, if he will. Time will tell. We would definitely benefit from therapy. It's all very uphill. Thank you for your words. I appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blindsided,
      You might be able to find a therapist who works on a sliding scale to make it affordable. It's worth seeing what you can find. There's also a free peer counselling phone line -- you can find the contact info on the right margin of my Web site.

      Delete
  29. I visit this site so often, but I've never posted my story. Your post helped propel me, Elle, towards doing so.

    DDay 1 was May 4 of this year, when my husband told me he had met someone else. He was going to leave. I should preface this with the fact that winter had been difficult for us and on Valentine's Day he told me he was unhappy and didn't know if we could make our relationship work, which completely blindsided me. We own a business, which expanded beyond our predictions last year, causing lots of stress to both us and him especially, and we have a (now) four year old, so while we were going through a rough patch in our marriage, I figured it was one that would pass. I cannot remember entirely what I said or cried or screamed at him that night. The next few days were a blur, but in the end, he said he was sorry and wanted to come home. At this point, he told me it was an emotional affair. I never imagined (which sounds like a common theme) that he would ever do anything like this, so when he told me he wanted to come home, I took him at his word that he cut things off with her.
    DDay #2 was May 31. I picked up his phone to look through, which I never do, and saw a picture she had texted him holding a "ken" doll telling him that she had found her prince charming and asking what he was doing. We had went fishing as a family and he said as much, her reply was that she didn't know he was doing the "family thing" that day. When I confronted him (which I did before scrolling the whole way back through the messages) he told me that her ex-boyfriend had found messages of them talking (prior to the discovery date in May) and used an old fake facebook page they had together to share a profile picture of my husband and I with some text along the lines of how he wondered if I knew. I was able to find the facebook page, along with a private message from the ex, supporting that, so I (naively) trusted him when he said the only contact was about that. Once again, we were working on our marriage. Things were going really well, I went to individual counseling, but did not insist on counseling for us, however, I just felt really uneasy. For good reason, as on July 25, at a party, I caught him texting an unknown number.

    ReplyDelete
  30. We fought horrendously and I finally decided to pull my phone records and found that he had never stopped talking to her. He insisted that from the time he came home, he was just still friends with her. I had already given my 2 weeks notice at my current employer for a career change and felt I needed to stick with it. I was studying to take a licensing exam, which is incredibly intensive. I blocked her number and we once again decided to reconcile, only with marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. It was a rough road for us and things were starting to look up. I failed my licensing exam and he was incredibly supportive. The very next day, a (unknown to me) mutual friend of the OW posted a picture of them together on Facebook talking about how exciting it is to be pregnant together. I immediately called my husband, who admitted that she told him just before I caught them talking in July that she was pregnant and that he did, in fact, have sex with her 5 or 6 times, about half of those after he came home in May. According to him, he was waiting to tell me until after my test because he knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate otherwise. I do believe he would have told me at some point because a dear friend of mine had found out she was pregnant, and while she didn't know my husband had slept with her, she knew I would immediately jump to that conclusion, so she was texting him daily to tell him to tell me as soon as my test was over. So that makes DDay #4 September 16. I called the OW right away. She was nice enough on the phone, although her story was that her and her boyfriend broke up and my husband was the only one she had to talk to (which is bull, they never knew each other prior to this, she stopped out with a group of other friends to my husband's shop, talked to him and then started stopping out to see him when she saw his truck, which is how this progressed). She was (because she has the morals of an ant) also still sleeping with her ex (who is the father of her two girls) during that May as well, so she did not know who the father was. I absolutely believe that she wanted and/or tried to get pregnant. They did not use protection (ugh) and she was not on birth control, unbeknownst to my husband. She surprised him with the pregnancy test, like you see couples doing on facebook all of the time, and then started crying when he flipped out. He begged her for an abortion, something he's not proud of, but she refused, saying she couldn't live with herself f she did that. Once she got her due date of Valentine's Day (double ugh) and realized it could potentially be the other guy's, she told my husband she wished she would have. She called me back later that night and told me that she and her ex had done a prenatal dna test and that it did not match him, so it is (presumably) my husband's baby. She said on the phone she wasn't even going to tell my husband (who she had convinced before I cut all contact that it was the other guys'), although later texts between her and I she has mentioned "as long as the baby has the support it needs" and more recently "he knew I was having the prenatal dna test done so the paternity would all be figured out and he could be in the birthing room, etc", so I believe as soon as she got that test back, she once again thought he would leave me. Her maturity level is low, she is 25 (I'm 32 and my husband is 33). She has told me multiple times how hurt she is and that she knows they shouldn't have had sex, but that she had feelings for him, which apparently in her mind justifies it. She did unknowingly confirm his story that after DDay #2, he told her he was working things out with me and that they talked as friends, although she wanted more and still does. We are working through in counseling why he continued to talk to her and feel it was appropriate to be her friend.

    ReplyDelete
  31. We are reconciling. The best I can say is that he is broken from this whole experience. He was always the first to speak out against people cheating and now that he can look back, is appalled at his actions. I had actually told him a few months before I met her that I thought maybe he should go to counseling because he seemed so depressed and stressed, which in no way justifies what he did and is not a reason, however, I feel like the blinder have come off of him. Additionally, while we're not telling many people until the baby comes, this is and will be public knowledge, so I believe there's much more shame involved as well. We have no contact with the OW, although we have told her we want to be involved in the child's life once it is born and confirmed to be his. While the prenatal DNA companies claim 99.9% accuracy, I have found cases of false negatives, so we pray daily that may have happened here. From a timeline perspective, she was with both of them within the same week. There are a few of his family members that we are not sure won't disown him, although we're hoping not. Its such a roller coaster, made more so by the fact that we have this baby and pregnancy hanging over our heads. Some days I have to fight to get out of bed and then others I think I've got it all figured out. I am blessed in that since I did not pass the licensing, my husband and I decided that I would stay home with our son while I heal and I do believe that has contributed greatly, but this ride we're all on is terrible. I'm so grateful for this site, on days when I don't think I can make it, I pull up past articles and/or read comments and it keeps me going. For some reason, I knew within days of finding out all of the truth that I wanted to try to make it work with my husband. I can't explain it, nor does it make sense really, based on his actions this year, but I just know, especially because everything is now on the table, he spilled his guts and I do believe there's nothing being held back now. We have amazing counselors and a great support system. I told my husband that this would show the true colors of those we call friends and it already has started too. Its hard to mourn those losses along with the loss of the life I thought we had and the future I wanted to have of never thinking this could happen to me, but I guess in the end I'm grateful because I want real in my life instead of fake. Thank you for all of the posts and support. I wish we weren't all here for this reason, but the strength of many of you amaze me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OOTA,
      That's quite a roller coaster ride you've been on. I'll join you in crossing my fingers that the baby isn't your husband's because I do think that's a tough burden, on top of everything else. The additional financial commitment can create resentment, of course. What's more, it means this rather crazy OW (she had "feelings" for him?? Give me a break.) All of this means that you and your husband will have to work particularly hard on creating healthy communication and working together as partners.
      I'm glad you found us, OOTA. Keep us posted as you move forward. I'm so glad you took the time to share your story.

      Delete
  32. I have never been so relieved to realize how normal and average I am in my response to my husbands affair. Thank you for this site!!!! After a couple months of a torturous back and forth process of suspicion and then reassurance/delusion that there is absolutely no way he would be capable of the lying/cheating, I finally had proof enough to hire a detective to seal the deal so I could stop the gut wrenching, life sucking, insanity. I literally almost lost my mind in the process. I completely lost my appetite and had to force food down because my brain still knew I probably should eat something, AND I lost 12 pounds (I like that part). I barely slept, some nights, none at all. I remember telling him that when he's out late I can't sleep and him begging me so sweetly not to worry about him if he's out and please go to sleep. We were the couple that would NEVER have this happen. Marriage is SACRED to me. He always thought men who cheated were complete losers. My whole world view is a mess as I've learned of many things that will never be what I had so confidently planned. Anyway, it's been two weeks since I confronted him. Long story short, we are staying together and he has been great except for a couple of things. The waves of everything being OK and then utter doubt are surprising to me. At first I was so relieved he wanted to stay with me and not her, I didn't really think back to how slimy this whole thing was. From what I've been reading here he needs to cut all contact, which he hasn't. He had to leave town the first half week after I confronted him. (back home, where she wouldn't be invited so I felt safe with the trip) He told me he would either call her or text her that it was over while he was away. I asked him to please tell me the details of how he ended it without me having to ask. I had to ask. Instead of ending it, he said he told her I hired the detective and I knew but that was all, in hopes she would move on. But she liked a couple of his posts on Facebook, which showed she still feels comfortable in his world. (and devastated me, thinking he was ending it forever, and once again yesterday, more likes) The morning after he got home he went into his home office to call her and 'really' end it. He said she begged him to meet for lunch and talk and I said, fine, and they met on Friday the 6th, 12 days ago. After a few more days I asked if she has contacted him (which I knew she had). He said yes (big pause). Finally he admitted (or said) that at that Friday lunch she asked him to wait it out and see how he felt after a week. To keep it friendly he said he agreed. AGAIN, I asked him to call her one final time and end it solidly. Be firm. He said he does not want to make her his enemy and that they are still friendly and he wants to keep it that way. He also had her doing some free lance work for him that was not complete but she could deal with other people, not him. ---CONTINUED BELOW

    ReplyDelete
  33. He also said he had led her in the past to believe it would be over between him and I and feels bad that he led her on a bit, but all she needs to do is go on a couple of dates over the weekend and she will move on. He talked me into him just letting it fade instead of abruptly calling off all contact and unfriending on Facebook etc. So, he called her later that day while he was out. (This was now last Monday the 9th) I asked him to not let her talk him into seeing her. He did. They met for a few hours over beers. He came home and announced it is done and over without me asking. He didn't smell like her so I'm hoping it was just beers -- (who knows --not me--what was trust??) When we talk in person, I believe him 100%. He is obvious in that he still loves me and is attracted to me. This was all true though when he was cheating, which is how it dragged on. Back to the OW contact. This past week she continues to contact him, I'm not sure how often and he won't say. He actually is slightly irritated when I ask. All last week after that Monday he has been attentive and spending all his time with us (we have a son) along with a couple of awesome dates. This past Friday, I asked if she has tried to see him. He said a very dark "no". (Like it was torture I asked) I asked if the contact was the same or less than before. He said less. (I fed it to him didn't I--). Now actually seeing this in writing I'm thinking WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!? (It is worse in writing!-just seeing the truth?) He had convinced me it's best to not completely ditch her. Now he is out of town again till Thursday (I feel safe from him seeing her, I know the job and I don't think he would have her there) Who knows how close they are in their communications though, it is a complete mystery to me. I'm not sure what to do next, I've been so pleasant with him and if I ask for a solid end, cutting all ties, I'm not sure what I'll get. He says he was thinking our relationship was over when he started cheating so I know he is also judging me. I really just want us to be a family again and he really seems like it is what he wants as well. I'm hoping all of this dragging on of his is just whimpyness and not something more. I have no control over that anyway, I don't think. Also, I asked him to get a STD test and replace his wedding ring, he has done neither but he has been busy. (we are being safe till the test) If you would have told me this would happen four months ago and I would choose to stay, I would have said that is crazy--- Reality is something else. This is like a surreal bad dream.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this...but I don't think he's ended it. I think he's keeping her on the back burner. And I think the only way this is going to be over is if you force him off the fence: It's her or it's you. He doesn't get both.
      What's more, he's not making the rules anymore. He violated your trust and if he even wants you to consider staying married to him, then he needs to start following YOUR rules. And they include total honesty, total transparency, access to any and all phones/texts/social media accounts. He needs to prove to you, over and over and over, the he is NOT in contact with her.
      There's just no other way through this. He should be fighting like hell to ensure that he deserves another chance, not wimping out and throwing your marriage under the bus. He cheated on you. Your relationship wasn't over. But it will be if he doesn't smarten up.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for your reply. He is back tomorrow and I will have to let him know this. I've gotten myself in a predicament because I can't support myself. I've been a stay at home mom and take little odd jobs but no career. He is self employed and support from him over time would not be dependable. We are safer here with him and I really truly love him and want to be with him. He tells me he thought I didn't love him and he was ready to move on when this started. Now he says he is afraid that we will go back to where we were before he started but wants to give it a try. I have promised him I really do feel different and just want to have a happy family, now and forever. So, that's why I've been going against my instinct to just lay down the law on this matter. I can see from what you've said I need to just do this and be done with it. If he doesn't stop then it probably wasn't going to work anyway, I need to keep this in mind. Now that you mention it, the back burner thing is very believable. I just don't know where my son and I will go if he decides I'm wrong to demand he ends all communication. Our family is all in another state and I don't want to move back there really either. I don't even know how I'll pay rent. Hence, my desperation and hesitation I guess. It's like we are both earning back trust, not just him in his mind, and mine too I guess. I did give him "permission" to let it die down instead of breaking it off after he told me that is what he would prefer, so there is a chance when I bring up the need for a solid ending that he may just go along with it. I hope. Thank you SO MUCH again. Another sad fact here is that I can't tell anyone (other than my sister) about this horrible trauma I am going through. The secret pain and keeping a happy face for everyone and my son is so difficult, and the secret part of it feels like I've done something wrong. That is messed up. It also hit me If I stay with my husband I will have this horrible secret I am keeping from our son and my parents & family until I die. I've never had anything like that before, I was fortunate to grow up in a stable world with no big secrets. This is so surreal. Thank you again.

      Delete
    3. So we had a good talk again when he got back. I was prepared for him to tell me that he just can't cut her off like that but instead he agreed and seemed even more remorseful than before. I also took the opportunity to better explain how much it physically and mentally hurt me and may continue to for a long time. I also thanked him for being so considerate keeping me up to date. So back to cutting all contact, the next day (no, not the same day, he still dragged his feet the rest of the day) he asked me to be there and approve/help with the text. I was being all "wordy womanish" thinking he should say something nice to soften the blow but he just cut it short and sent a concise message saying that we can't communicate anymore since my wife and I are working things out. Period. I think it sounded cold. He uses few words in texting me as well BTW. We waited just a bit but he had to leave after that so I didn't see the response but he re texted to me that she replied "I'm moving on with my own life". Thinking back to the few texts I saw from her, they were always very short and not wordy. So of course I have to just believe him as he could very well texted back later "sorry I had to do that for my wife etc.--- The main thing I've noticed though is my gut tells me he is over with her. Even logic points me in the direction of he's probably being honest. As far as his communications over the past couple weeks he is telling me he hadn't seen her or spoken with her since their final meeting, only short 'small talk' texts that have tapered off to once a day. He did admit to reaching out with small talk texts to her as well though during that time. Also, the night before he had left on this last trip, the last text I saw from her said "Good night. Sweet dreams." Hmm. I've never seen I love you's or I miss you's but that is quite affectionate sounding. It's something my mother always said to me and I say to my husband and son. But now I haven't said it because of this. Who knows. After he sent the text I questioned if they communicate on Facebook messaging and he said no. I realize now I was referring to the present. I need to ask if they ever did because I had the distinct impression they were and this is something I feel I need to know. He offered for a second to give me the admin for his Facebook because he said won't unfriend her because that would be aggressive. I personally don't care if he unfriends her as far as the page, I can keep an eye on her through her being friends with him. Anyway, I chickened out and said it would make me more comfortable but he didn't need to. (Hoping he'd say "here it is anyway"--which leads to whole separate topic, I need to sort out as far as the openness guidelines. I'm so uncomfortable asking for this.) I'm thinking if he really wants to communicate and hide it he would just find another way anyway. When he first got home from this last job on Thursday, things were kind of awkward but over the next two days, I've seen for the first time in months tiny moments of true spontaneous unguarded affection towards me. He's been very affectionate but what I mean is truly natural kind of innocent loving things. It's hard to explain but it's a sense of him starting to trust "us" since he originally claimed it was my lack of affection toward him that send him on the spiral. At the very beginning and the first talks after, he even brought that 'lack of affection' fact up a few times, (which I had already realized, apologized for, and fixed). Ever since then he has blamed himself and apologized on his own without coaxing quite a few times. I in turn do remind him during these talks that I am working on my shortcomings as well. He now says he's mad at himself for screwing things up. Continued below--

      Delete
    4. Another interesting thing. I bought a new top that is nothing like I normally wear :-) He didn't say anything at all. I finally asked him what he thought of it and told him I just bought it and he said "oh, I thought so but I didn't want to say anything in case you had it before and I forgot, I really like it and it looks great on you". I'm getting a sense he is kind of nervous about saying the wrong thing. Overall I'm still split with one half of me 99% trusting he wants just us, the other half fully aware that it could all come crumbling down and being obsessed with figuring things out. I'm torn about how much I really want to know. In a way I'm done wanting any details, less to picture in my mind, yet I'm curious about a couple of nights where he/they went. Any opinions on how much is good to know? He's been pretty clear on his feelings for her. He likes her, she was a fun 'friend', it was a sexual escape and a search for affection, which is what he really just wants from me. I don't see any romantic or love attachment unless I'm missing something, which I am completely capable of doing, so I have learned. One last thing, in my initial story post, I said I was wondering for two months, technically it was about two 1/2 WEEKS of down and dirty figuring it out. The two months was more of an odd growing suspicion stage. TECH question: how can I set up an ID for this blog without using Google or another account? I just can't seem to figure this out. Thank you!

      Delete
    5. Anonymous,
      Can't help you with the technical question. I think you can click "comment as..." and then choose how you want to comment. But maybe others can help.
      Re. your husband and cutting off contact: My advice is to stop being such a nice guy. I think your husband handled it best: short and to the point. It's over. I'm with my wife. No more contact. And that means not on FB either. She needs to be cut out of both your lives. Anyone who knowingly sleeps with a married man has problems with boundaries. And your husband doesn't need to convince himself that it's "harmless" to have contact with her. It's harmful.
      In the meantime, I'm glad you're able to express just how emotionally damaging this is for you. He needs to realize that there's a price to pay for his betrayal of you and that you're the one largely paying it.
      I would also encourage you to come up with a plan to protect yourself financially. Think of it as a Plan B, just in case something ever happened to your husband. You should have something in place to ensure you'd be okay should your marriage end, or he get injured or whatever. A part-time job, perhaps. Back to school to upgrade skills. Whatever you need to know to not feel so vulnerable financially.

      Delete
    6. I figured out posting a name so this is the above Anonymous continuing. Thank you Elle. I have started learning some new skills that could potentially make a nice career, although I have a hard time concentrating through all of this and I find myself wasting a lot of time obsessing and worrying. You were spot on with him keeping her on the back burner. After the 'final text' I wrote about, he was out of town again for two days to finish the last job. He actually used to stay through the entire week but did come home in between so we wouldn't be apart so long I had assumed. Again, I don't think there is anyway she could be there with him but that wouldn't stop him from seeing her on the way out or back if that is what he wished. Well, after that brief relief of the 'final text' he took forever getting home this past Monday, no call or response for quite a few hours. When he finally did call he told me he had just found out his mother had to be taken to the hospital and confirmed it with a photo his sister sent. Other than this his excuse sounded like a lie and he didn't sound right in general. This is the first time he caught me in 'upset, where is he' mode since D-day so it affected him. I was so upset after the call I had to leave the house and go for a walk to wait for him to get home. He came home while I was still gone and tried to call and text me but I had left my phone in my bathroom. I saw later his texts said: "You have nothing to worry about" I love you and not her" I want to be with only you" "It is over". When I got back he was very stressed and had a few drinks so I let it be. (my rule, don't have serious talks when he has been drinking) So--I couldn't sleep with all the confusion and he woke up to me pacing. He was very soothing, said he loves only me, it was a weird night, he had a basic timeline but it was just "off" and I'm pretty sure he lied about where he stopped for food. The next morning I was all geared up to make him look me in the eye and tell me why he was late the last night. Instead, he cut me off and then told me that for the past three weeks since D-day, he wanted to make sure he was falling "in love" with me again (even though he knew he loved me). He also told me that she had been texting him often since the last "Final Text", and on the way home he decided he didn't want any of this happening after he got home and called her to finally make himself clear to not contact him anymore. He told me that he loves only me, it's over with her, and he only wants to be with me. From this day forward, he said (this past Tuesday), everything is in the open, he will tell me immediately if she texts and show me, and he will turn on tracking on his cell phone. Just please don't question anything before that day. He sounded 100% convincing and made the point that he hadn't said this yet. (I thought it was implied by saying we were going to work things out and she can't be part of the picture but oh well). SO, later that night we sat down to relax and he told me she had texted him and that I wouldn't want to see it. I hesitated but I just had to. SO, here is the gist of it. Continued below.

      Delete
    7. TEXTS: OW: "I love you" Please see me I need closure". H: "No" OW: "Please I promise no tears" H: I can't OW: "You did this for her, please do this for me." H: Let me sleep on it. OW. I Love you. We all need peace. Please I love you. H: No I can't. OW: Please just meet with me for closure. H: We've already did that. OW: "Please I love you" (no response? Deleted?) " I know " "Please" H: No I can't. I'm turning off my phone now. 45 minutes later OW: "I know your phone is off. I just want you to know I said a prayer for your mother this morning" I'm not so sure about the "WE ALL NEED PEACE and "YOU DID THIS FOR HER" I'm thinking he set her up to think he loves her still but is staying with me out of duty? So all day Thanksgiving, no texts from her. Seems odd, after that rampage. This morning, day after Thanksgiving, I see a text that he does not know I can see, it says "to the moon and back", from late last night. SO, I wait anxiously for him to get up, look at his phone, praying he will walk up to me and show it to me. NOPE. He does not. I don't want to say I saw the message because then he will know I have access. I ask him if he is being completely honest. He says yes. OMG. I'm falling apart all over again. I was obviously shaken and he kept asking whats wrong and I asked again, and told him even little omissions and little lies will cancel everything and I won't believe him on anything. He still said no more texts and hugged me and left with our son, so I sat down to start writing this. 5 minutes later he sent a text that says OW texted him on Thanksgiving and said "Happy Thanksgiving". That's it. Then he called and I asked if that was all and he said yes, he just didn't want to ruin my Thanksgiving. I again made it clear, him LYING ruins things, not her texting. He said sorry and he PROMISES he will show me everything. No mention of "to the moon and back". A couple times during the day today he walked up with his phone to show me nothing was there. So here I am. He is SO LOVING with me and very kind at all times although a few times he's gotten irritated for a second but stops himself. Also I keep thinking he is here with me, not her. I'm in an awkward spot since I can't outright tell him I know he lied because of sneaking seeing the text. (He turned me into a sneak!! I hate that) Elle, your comment on me forcing him to make a choice is something I now can see I need to do but am afraid to do because there is a chance that would push him away if he is making an honest effort at the level he is capable of. He made it very clear on day one that he was doubtful I would ever forgive him and I convinced him I would and that I want to move forward and not look back. He keeps bringing this up and does not like me questioning him on the affair as that is in the past now he says. I'm actually OK with this as far as past details if I am told everything going forward. The OW texts did sound as if he had been final with her. It is entirely possible he is trying but not able to completely finalize things with her. I have no idea. Also, he said he would not unfriend her on Facebook, implying she would get mad and maybe react in some vindictive way. Tomorrow I will tell him to please give me full access to his phone once and for all, so he knows I will see everything. I will also try to get to the bottom of the why he won't un friend her on Facebook, and then insist he do it anyway. Just what you recommended in the first place but I dragged my feet on. The lie about "to the moon and back" will never go away. This is a lie since the "big promise". Thanks again.

      Delete
  34. Hello, everyone. I've been visiting this site for a couple of months, since stumbling upon it. I've posted a couple times under anonymous..recently figuring out how to join the site (train is slow but it gets there). I've been wanting to post my story but not knowing how to begin has delayed me, so forgive me if I ramble or jump around in my story. But now I feel like I need to reach out because I am struggling. My D day was just over 6 months ago. I am 9 months pregnant. the actual event happened prior to my pregnancy by a couple of months. So how to begin.. I have known my husband since I was 9, instantly felt something. I remember getting so mad when people called it a crush, because I KNEW it was love. We didnt actually start dating until I was 21,..both of us with our own relationships during those years. Ive only had one other sexual partner, my ex-fiance..who also cheated on me. I guess that is what adds to my heartbreak with my husband is that he knew me at that time, saw what I went through and even in our relatinship suffered the consequences of my "PTSD" paranoia that he was cheating on me through the years. Grant it, there were a few internet indiscretions over the years.. hidden emails to ex-girlfriends, porn sites in the web history, etc. After my ex cheated I always said that I would never say someone could never cheat..but with my husband...I really never thought it would never happen. As with alot of relationships we would hit long periods without having sex, up to 6 months in between sometimes. For the last 10 yrs my husband is a self employed owner of a auto repair shop so this requires long hours of catch up work to get the vehicles out to pay bills, etc. We moved to a different state, away from our families about 10 yrs ago. Prior to moving I told him I do not want to move away from family to be left alone. He is the type to have an ever growing list of projects to work on, plus the new car garage..this ended up happening anyway. So of course anger and resentment grew from me, being left alone, and to quote him, why would I want to be around you if you're miserable all the time?..so the circle continues. That plus having my 1st child 2 yrs ago and essentially being left to figure out parenthood and raise her by myself. Apparently along the way he stopped trying to initiate sex, getting sick of being rejected for whatever reason..I was mad, it was late, I was tired, etc. So he took care of things himself. Having his own shop, with its own computer made it very convenient and easy to access porn sites to help get the job done, without my investigative eyes finding out. Well, I guess after a while that was no longer enough...he is one of the Ashley Madison customers. So on top of just cheating on me,. I have to process that he paid to do it,..and sought out a partner for 4 months before finding the OW.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Allegedly, he swears there was only the one sexual encounter, but..they discovered they had SO much in common that they bacame friends, confidants, shoulders to vent about their problems with their spouses (yes, both married with kid(s)). On DDay, he was napping on the couch, I just got home from a Dr appt when I noticed his cell on the table. He had been holding it close lately (sign #1?) and since my "spidey-sense" had been going off lately..I gave into temptation and took the phone to go through in the other room. Was not long at all before I notice a text conversation with a false guy name with last message "we will cuddle soon." ( later explained that this is the term used to mean talk over the phone about their problems...I still struggle with believing this one.) Excuse me? Ran right back into room, woke him up and demanded explanation. At first the defensive why are you going through phone, then tried a lame lie of it was an inside joke with a couple guy friends to talk like that...not buying it. Finally he confessed and my world shattered. I still had his phone and refused to give it back. He was blocking me from leaving the house with it "leave her out of it." No,honey,...she's in it. So eventually I was able to leave. Reception bad at my house so I drove off. I called the OW, identified myself and that I knew. Silence. I said that since I am not yelling, cursing, calling her names, out of respect for me..lose his #. I told her that if I found out she contacted him again, I would kill myself and both of my children would be without a mother because of her. She agreed to not call. After this I went to ER for STD check. Came back mostly negative with exception of an unknown old exposure to herpes 2, which as it has since been explained to me by many medical professionals since then, because I have never in my lifetime had an outbreak, I do not have it, just previously exposed. It is just a cherry on top of a fabulous situation, but tell me that as I am about to give birth and am petrified of giving it to my baby. The OW sent me a friends request on facebook about 1 month after D Day- I had written back questioning her intentions- no answer. Wrote back again pushing her to respond to my question, since I had done nothing to her and by her not answering, I took it as her messing with me. no answer. So I deleted the request. My husband doesnt know why she would have, can only guess that she was trolling my profile and accidentallly hit it. I didnt block her though...even though it was suggested. See, she has a pretty common name so I did try to find her on FB unsuccessfully. By her sending me the request, now I know exactly who she is, her husbands name, her friends, etc. I dont plan on doing anything with this information, but if she were to continue messing with me, I wouldve had the information to equally mess with her life (give her enough rope to hang herself with). Since D Day, my solo therapy appts turned into marriage counseling appts. Only recently my provider closed her practice but I felt it was helpful and she thought we made alot of progress and will continue to as long as we both work on it. Asking my husband periodically since D Day if he has had any contact with her, he always says no, that he is decicated to me and it is just us. Being pregnant has made my coping options limited...no wine, no antidepressants, even though they were offered. That plus a beautiful 2 yr old girl that has kept me alive and going through all of this.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am entering a difficult time now because through talks with my husband, I know that we have entered the time where last year he had already joined hook up sites and had started seeking out a partner. Im trying to focus on the progress we've made, but my mind always goes back to it. Reading Elle's recent post about the other woman, it mostly makes sense but to me, I feel my situation is an exception since he befriended her..she wasn't just a piece of ass. This feels like more of a threat to me and perpetuates my fear that they will talk again,..is he being honest that they aren't talking, etc. And since It has happened to me more than once, it doesnt help my self esteem and self worth. I do love my husband and that never faltered. But as we enter this time, or maybe my hormones, or just the natural progression of processing and healing.. I question our long term future. We got into an argument last night because after D Day, I put all of his project road trips on halt, unless I went with him. As time passed, if he needed to go somewhere it was discussed with me, to see how I felt, you can call my cell if you get anxious or worry. Now it seems like I am being told, oh by the way Im going on this trip and his cell has been on the fritz, intermittently not working (confirmed by me, not just a story). Which, I know I cant keep him on lock down forever, but I dont like feeling rushed and especially being so close to my due date- 11/28/15, I am mad that he is even planning trips (most are about 2 hrs away..and he needs to pass by her area of the state to get there) One thing that really reopens the wound is that to him he says "it was just sex. it wasn;t as big a deal to me as it is to you." He apologizes for hurting me and regrets doing it, but a statement like that is like a knife to my heart. How can he still say that or feel that way after seeing all of the pain over these last 6 months? I reach out to my other BWC friends, not to make a decision for me, but help me sort out these details. I feel like I could be still clouded by hormones or maybe my reactions are as they should be. I feel so confused. Again, I know I love him, but there is still so much hurt that sometimes it feels so hopeless. Thank you for your time, hopefully my story is written in a way that makes sense.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HS1978,
      I'm so glad you shared your story with us. It's not unlike so many on this site and we know how you're feeling. Sounds as though you've handled it pretty well given the shitty hand you were dealt.
      Sometimes, when the dust has begun to settle, our husbands settled back into their "old" ways, especially if they were really just doing triage rather than really dealing with the issues that drove them to cheat. Has your husband undergone any counselling or done any reading or really examined what drove him to go outside your marriage and risk losing everything? The "just sex" isn't a satisfying answer to you because it, frankly, isn't true. It's never "just sex". He was willing to risk losing his marriage so he was clearly deeply unhappy with his life. So what was that about? I'm not saying you are to blame in any way. I'm simply saying that instead of talking to you about what he was feeling, he turned to "just sex" to distract himself, comfort himself, feed his own ego, whatever. So until he gets to the bottom of that, he can't really learn how to be a better partner to you -- more honest, more compassionate to self and you, more present.
      The marriages that not only survive infidelity but ultimately thrive are those in which the partners use this horrible experience as a sort of ground zero to rebuild a marriage. It's like going back to the very foundation to make it strong enough to endure. But that takes more than just putting in time. It takes really hard and uncomfortable work.

      Delete
    2. I guess these guys are all so similar in so many ways. Mine complained the same, wasn't happy with me because I wasn't happy with him, was sad about finances, wasn't into sex enough, and had the appearance of hating him although that never even CLOSE to true, and instead of sitting me down and telling me how serious an issue it was, he decides to lie, cheat, and betray. I need to consider what Elle says about them saying it was "just sex" It is more than that with mine as well. Please take care of yourself and your precious new baby, and you are not alone in this.

      Delete
  37. No, he has never had individual therapy, just the couple therapy. Over the last 8 yrs he had intermittently has gone with me to my counselor, when my problems were marriage related. He is not really a "therapy" person and with his crazy work schedule he did it, made time for it when it was important. I dont want to sit here and say there have not been improvements because there have been. SInce D Day he does try to juggle his time to accommodate family more. For instance, he will leave his shop in the evening to come home and spend time with me and our girl before her bedtime but will have to go back to work afterwards sometimes. He has reached out to meet up for lunch more, etc. So he is trying. Is it my ideal level? No, but it is improvement and I have to give credit. As far as reasoning behind the cheating- the answers given have been that he was feeling like he was going to go the rest of his life without something he thought about all of the time. As I said, we would see large lapses in time between having sex, sometimes 6 months or more. He compared the affair to "stealing food if you were starving." (hardly, but that was his rationale) The other factor is he had a life threatening motorcycle accident about 3 years ago. For me, it was a wake up call that I almost lost him. For him, it was his life is now in a different perspective and him pushing 40 at the time, feeling like at best, his life was half over, I guess something as prevalent on his mind as the lack of sex over the last decade or 2 weighed heavy on his mind. Almost a wake up call of you're not guaranteed tomorrow. He admits he took a big risk, losing me and our daughter but the dark place he was mentally at the time, it was worth the risk (moreso me over our daughter). After D Day, he felt that as a wake up call that it was not worth it and he did not want to lose us or what we have taken many years to build. He has talked about it at nauseam, answering all of my questions whether he thought it was helpful/hurtful for me to know the answers. I just struggle with the comments like I said in my 1st post, and when he seems like he's giving up by saying "you're never going to forgive me so why say anything." Is this also common? The husband overall remorseful but on "bad days" comments like this?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heart shattered
      My h expressed much the same in the months following dday. The old you don't believe me why explain. It took a long time to get the whole story due to ow texting her version on a daily basis for six months. Then even after no contact was established it was me that made him feel hopeless due in part to my anger issues over the fact that he took her on an out of town business trip when he was keeping her silent as best he could. That was the end of the physical affair but the contact from her continued for 5 months more until he just stopped responding to anything she sent. This part still makes my blood boil sometimes as my h is such a coward that he just kept running from her and then felt like he needed to run from me as well! He could no longer emotionally handle the pressure I was putting on him as all I did was lash out in anger not every day but about once a week until I realized I was not only punishing him but also causing myself more pain! Slowly I have regained my self control and dignity! I was not someone anyone would want to be near! Each day life has become a little easier! Hugs for your pain! His reality will return! My h finally grew back his balls and had the ow locked up for harrasment and after that day, we began to focus on us! One day at a time!

      Delete
    2. HS1978,
      Yes, the "you'll never forgive me" is quite common but speaks more to the same self-pity that got them into this mess. Rather than wring their hands about how you're mad at them, why don't they roll up their sleeves and make amends. However, it's the guys who tell themselves the stories about how hard done by they are that convince themselves they're somehow entitled to cheat. And that's where therapy comes in. It walks them through that narrative they've been telling themselves. It makes them understand how they, on some level, have been giving themselves permission to go outside their marriage. It helps them recognize when they're starting to go back down that same path. I always get a bit frustrated by people who aren't "therapy" people as if it takes a certain person to want to live a better life. Therapy isn't a religion, it's about learning skills that you don't have. It's like saying, "I'm not really a "school" person. Or I'm not really a "training" person." Really? You were born knowing everything you needed to know? Puh-leeze.

      Delete
  38. Heartshattered1978December 5, 2015 at 7:47 AM

    Thank you, Theresa and Elle. Sorry for delayed response, but I am now the proud mommy of 2 beautful daughters. 2nd daughter born 11/23.. both of us doing great. I know what you mean about the "not therapy person" what you say makes perfect sense. He did not object to joining me to see my therapist over the years, but after D-day he opened up more than he ever did at previous sessions. I do not foresee him seeking solo therapy though. My hospital stay was a welcomed vacation from my thoughts but they did restart when got home. The post about 5 things we do to keep hurting ourselves is totally me. I wish I could just turn my brain off. Therapy has been hugging my girls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HS1978,
      CONGRATULATIONS!! I'm so happy for you and your new baby girl (and big sister). That's wonderful news. Nothing puts like into prospective like the promise of new life. Your baby, like all of us, will have her share of joy and pain but she's got a fabulous mom to guide her through all of life's peaks and valleys. She is loved.
      I think hugging your girls is the best medicine there is.

      Delete
    2. Sorry for delayed response but not a lot of internet time with a newborn and a 2 year old, lol. Thank you, Elle, for saying so. I worry that when I enter my lulls Im not being the best mom I can be, that Im "coasting" through it. An update, my husband has stepped up with the new baby. During the week, my 2 year old goes to daycare, which keeps her in her routine but also gives me a chance to catch up on sleep after all-nighters. On the weekends- without being asked he takes our 2 year old downstairs and gives her breakfast and lets me try to sleep in. His work schedule does still keep him busy but he does try to be home to help when he can. As the 1st anniversary of the sexal encounter part of the affair approaches, my depression and emotions have been waxing and waning. We had another talk about what happened and again he apologized and said it was the biggest mistake of his life and that it is just me and him forever and will never do that again. I believe he is sincere, but my mind always goes back to "yeah, but you also said you'd never do it in the first place, soooo.." I guess what I need is help, advise on how to get through the "1st anniversary". I read your/ Elle's posts and believe when she says that in time I will rise above this and that it is possible to have a successful marriage after an affair. I also notice things in our relationship that have improved since D Day. Please, if you are able, give me some tips on how to not sabotage any progress made by focusing too much on the anniversary. Thank you in advance. :)

      Delete
    3. HS1978,
      I survived the first year "anti-versary" by reclaiming the day. I got my parents to look after our three kids and then, since it was before Christmas, we spent the day shopping, having a long leisurely lunch and basically enjoying each other's company in a way that took us outside of our usual routine. It really helped and reminded us both how far we'd come in a year. Others have coped by not acknowledging the day at all or by making it a celebration of themselves -- massage, lunch with girlfriends. But give it some thought. What feels right for you? Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you need. It's a tough day full of a lot of memories. And even if it's horrible...it's a day. All part of the process.
      Re. worrying about not being the "best mom" you can be? I don't know a single mom in the world -- betrayed or otherwise -- that doesn't think at least some of the time that we're somehow shortchanging our kids. Your kids don't need a "best mom", they need you, which includes your good days and your bad days. They just need you there to tend to their basic needs. As they grow and need you in different ways, you'll be able to be present for them in different ways. Right now, it's pretty much about survival.

      Delete
  39. My husband has left me to live with the OW whom he has been building a relationship with for 4 months. He says she makes him feel good and he is entitled to happiness - We have been together for 29 years and have two sons aged 23 and 18. He has large debt problems over the past two years causing many a row and huge stress. He chose to go bankrupt without consulting me and then fabricated stories to cover this by saying he was borrowing money to pay the debt(all he knew was a lie). my eldest boy has ceased contact with his dad after a close relationship. and the youngest is more torn. I am absolutely devastated at his betrayal and leaving us to go and live with her. He seems unaware of the devastation he has left behind. He puts money in my account as if that is all he needs to do. He has not provided us with a contact number and refuses to speak (often says he will come round but then never does) he is drinking heavily and going to darts and football as he did when he was younger.
    I hardly recognise the man I married and had children with as this lying deceitful man in denial
    Please tell me how I get over this betrayal and move forward - my strength has deserted me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I think you're caught up in the damage of someone out of control.
      You will get over this but first just let yourself be devastated. It's normal to feel that way. I would urge you to find a counsellor help you process all this pain. And then...look for the slivers of joy in each day. Really look for them. And when you discover them -- no matter how small they are -- celebrate them. And know that you will find more. Seek out people who care about you. Follow up with interests. Take the time to really get to know yourself. Above all, be gentle with yourself. You've been through hell. You deserve kindness and respect and it sounds as if he's incapable of either. Give it to yourself. And don't hesitate to come here for support and compassion. We know your pain. And we know you can move past it.

      Delete
  40. I'm grateful to have found this site. I can't believe it took me as long as it did.

    I was married for nearly 21 years. We had more than our fair share of difficult times. I lost both of my parents when I was in my 20's, struggled with severe depression and weight issues after that, all while he struggled with his own self esteem problems. Seven years into our marriage, after I lost my parents, he admitted to an affair. I knew even then that he only told me because she got pregnant, and her husband was going to tell me. They decided to end the pregnancy, we entered counseling, and he seemed to do all of the things I needed for us to move on. I went back to school, and life was pretty good. Over the years, I had vibes here and there that things weren't right, but trust is never fully reestablished after an affair. I never knew if I was being paranoid or justified. Our marriage wasn't great, but I never felt it was over. We both had great jobs that made us happy and challenged us, our kids were good-we would figure it out.

    In the fall of 2013, he told me it was indeed over. We had grown too far apart, and he knew it couldn't be fixed. End of story. We let our youngest finish high school before we told anyone, and I found an apartment to move into in the fall. All the while, when people asked, he would say that we had just become different people.

    Two days before I moved out, I found out about the OW through an anonymous tip. She was someone he used to work with, at a place he had not worked at in over 6 years. I was told things that made it clear that this woman had flaunted the fact that she and my husband were a couple. I confronted him and he did not deny it. When pressed, he also admitted to another affair during the same time period of the first one.

    I moved out and started researching what I could access of our financial records. There was one credit card that I will never fully know what was charged to, which is probably good. I did find gas station fill ups and pharmacy visits to locations in her hometown, as well as a jewelry purchase a full two years before he ever told me it was over.

    Our divorce has now been final for nearly a year. I don't miss him. I feel... nothing... when I think of him. He used me. He manipulated me. He took time and so much more away from me and our family. He does not deserve me, and I deserve so much better. I'm actually quite at peace there.

    Here is my struggle. The OW was introduced (quite sloppily, I might add) to our family in the early summer. Our divorce had been final for four months when they became an item on social media. She now attends holiday gatherings and is slowly becoming friends on social media with the people I still love and call family. And none of them knows the truth. He still looks like a good guy whose marriage just didn't work out, who happened upon a new relationship pretty easily through reconnecting with an old friend.

    Meanwhile, days like today, I sit here knowing that my son is spending time with her and that our family members are all still playing out the same traditions that have also been mine for the last 20+ years. Like I have been plucked out and she has been inserted into my life.

    I get the approach that anger can be misdirected toward the OW in these cases, but for me, she is every single bit at fault as my ex is. She was a willing participant in the lies and deceit for nearly 10 years, by my estimate.

    I know I need to let it go, but the holidays are truly the worst. I hate that she gets to be there and I can't be. I'm with dear friends, and this year is much better than last, but it still hurts.

    Is time really the only answer?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Igotthis,
      I'm so sorry I missed this post. Hope you're still on this site.
      No, I don't think time is necessarily the answer in your case. I think it's more complicated than that. And, frankly, harder. You're going to have to be the bigger person here, even though you have every right to scream from the rooftops that this "new" partner has been on the scene long before your marriage was over. While you might share the truth with a few VERY trusted family members, you do not want your kids to know. There's no way to share that info with them without putting them in an awful position where they feel that they're either betraying their father or betraying you. They deserve to establish a relationship with this woman on their own. And I know that's SOOO not fair. A friend of mine had to deal with the affair partner putting my friend's toddler son to bed each night he was with his dad. It drove her crazy. But, to her credit, she has never said a word and her son has been free to love his father without reservation.
      That's what you're going to have to do too, Igotthis. If this woman is a loathsome snake, which is a distinct possibility, then that will become clear to your kids. But if she's able to treat them with respect and kindness, then you need to accept that your kids will benefit from that.
      I ache for you. It flies in the face of universal justice that home wreckers don't get publicly called out for their mate poaching. But YOU know that you have lived a life of integrity. She knows she hasn't. You're going to have to settle for that small karma.
      It will take a conscious effort to move past this but, given how successfully you've moved forward from your marriage, you do indeed have this. And your kids will be better for your dignity and class. And that, ultimately, is what really matters.
      Again, though, if there is someone you can trust to share your secret, it might help validate your frustration and give you an ally with whom you can vent as you process this and move on from it.
      Hang in there, Igotthis. Glad you found us.

      Delete
  41. I'm not married, but I am a betrayed woman. We have been together (on and off) since I was 15 and I'm 32, officially we've been back together for 7 years. I found out August 2014 that he'd had an emotional affair with a girl 10 years younger. It's been a year and a half since his emotional affair and we are better than ever he goes out of his way to make sure I know I'm the one for him, even more than the start of our dating again 7 years ago. I know contact has ceased and he really is proving that he wants to work things out, but some days it's so hard to get past everything that happened. The triggers can be devastating and happen at the most random moments: songs, places, movies, phrases, you name it and it can trigger how I felt when I found out. I'm glad we decided to work on things and sought counseling but it hasn't been easy and I just want to let people know that with help you can move on, or figure out that separating may be the right thing to do and there is not a one size fits all solution. I just wanted to put this out there because I've remained silent for too long. I wish everyone the best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  42. My D-Day was 12/3/15, but was told that it was just an "emotional affer." On 12/16/15, I had another D-Day finding out that it was more then that. I had suspicions that something was going on as he was deleting messages on his cell phone, taking it everywhere with him and changing his phone codes. My husband will be 46 this year, and she is 26. She is an employee of his so they have to hide it from work or else they'll both lose their jobs. When it first came to light, he wanted to save our marriage and even suggested counseling. I was emotionally unstable, feeling strong one day and unbelievable weak the next. When I found out that they were continuing to communicate I decided I had enough. I left for a week and gave him time to find his own place. At this point, he has his own place, and is continuing the affair. He claims to have "demons" that he needs to have individual counseling for, and wants to do that before we file for divorce. So, basically he would like for me to sit back and wait while he sleeps with this girl and then has counseling to fight his demons. I realized today that I have blocked out all emotions in an attempt to appear strong. Well, I broke down and lashed out at both him and her yesterday, even threatening their jobs. I told her father over FB about their affair. Today I felt so broken that I told my husband that I really needed him. And he called me. He has blocked out anyone that he cares about, including his own mother, myself and our children. He tells me he had anger issues with me, which I know is part of his denial that helps him to feel ok with his inappropriate relationship. My husband has not shown any remorse. I am feeling broken. I have been praying and praying, working on myself. I have not fully been able to give this situation to God. I need to, I know, but I don't know how. Believe me, I'd rather give it up then feel this pain. I want to move on. But I miss him terribly sometimes. He has left me to pick up all of the pieces - I have the kids, our house, our bills, etc. He is such a disappointment at this point as a father and a husband, and a man. I want to be over this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      The only way out of this is through it. You're right in what he's asking you. He wants to carry on without the impact of separation or divorce. Don't let him play you. Meet with an attorney and get clear on what you're entitled to. If he has moved out, then file a separation agreement so that you're receiving some financial assistance from him for the bills and the kids.
      I'm so sorry your kids are caught up in this insanity. He's abandoning his responsibility not only to you but to them. Demons indeed.
      I know how much pain you're in. I urge you to find a counsellor who can help you through. There's a free phone counselling line (you'll find the link in the right-hand margin of this site) if need it.
      Sweetheart, you need support. Do you have friends you have lean on? Family? Can his family be supportive? You will get through this, I promise. But it's hard and it takes time.
      If you're so inclined, it sounds as if you have grounds to let his employer know what's going on. Of course, that might lead to him losing his job and impacting your financial situation so think about it.
      And do your best to be gentle with yourself. Breathe. Sleep. Eat. Trust that you've got the strength to get through this. And please don't hesitate to post here for support or guidance.

      Delete
  43. i am scared to death i am to the point that i don't care. back story.. husband(44) works in a factory.. chic (28) works there as well...husband and i(38) been around eachother for 30 years..gf/bf/married since 1993/4... he has cheated 1 time as well as i did dirty to him. since my incident caused my husband has been freaking fantastic with the occasional stupidity that he just does in life ..but nothing dirty toward me, toward my heart, toward our love and relationship. we are always 2gether best friends.. blah blah.. people comment about us its insane.. we have a 20 year old girl, 5 year old girl and a 6 month old son.. a son tht he has wanted so bad.... Last tuesday.. I needed his phone and asked for it.. he was texting.. he handed me phone.. he told the chic he really wanted to hang with her.. she was texting him for a ride to work. SHADY PART he had her name under a guys name. I flipped. its been up and down since then . The female wants nothing to do with him.. guessing from what i have heard she is a dick tease and flirts with all the guys.. my husband does not compliment me at all.. EVER.. its so bad.. he could even recall when he the last time was. So husband admits chic and him have been flirting for a week back and forth. HIs side to me.she is not that attractive, i just wanted to hang out with a chic other than you, i already told myself that if i hung out with her i would not let it go as far as cheating. I am a mess. i wanna leave i don't want to be part of this area, state, life, people i know. i am crushed. i am at home 24/7 with our family we made. so at what point is he hanging with her? while i am at our home with our chlidren and dad is building his ego ( tht is one thing he said.. it was like am ego boost to have a chic all into him) best part.. the chics brother in law is my husbands new business partner .. my husband and i 2GETHER have been to their house 1 time.. the chic was there.. i was told she is never there.. but yet.. 3 of the times i have passed house 2 times she is there. she lives 3 miles down the road. the chic and him he swears have had no contact. he kno longer is employed at the company. he claims tht all he did was send a text and no cheat.. but was it not dirty what he did.. was that not intent? he had to go to the brother in laws today he asked me to go.. and i said no.. i literally don't care. he has changed so much in the past month.. he even said that to me that our sex life is fantastic.. and it is.. but he is bored with our life. so instead of repairing it for us he dips out ?!?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon 2/2
      Hanging out and flirting are the precursor to an affair and that is key to your pain. In our case my h was broken inside but our relationship was not. He kept it separate in his mind. A concept I still don't understand.our sex life was always fantastic even as he struggled with erectile dysfunction and began to use Viagra. He lived a double life and I have yet to understand how he pulled it off. Don't be mistaken though it did catch up to him and crushed him like a ton of bricks when the ow blew up my world with truth. Only you and your h can decide what's best for your family. I suggest finding a councilor to help both of you sort through your individual feelings. Also, go through this blog and you will find much insight from the stories of others. Details may be different but the pain, anger, are all there! Much luck to you in the coming months! Hugs for the pain and confusion you feel!

      Delete
    2. how do all these woman not get violent and beat the OW down? I wanted to beat my husband so bad.. i removed our 5 year from the home when i found the text.. i came back and my head blew off.. i didnt want to leave any marks on him bc of our 5 year olf would question.. but my open handed slaps across his face left a black eye. after he came back home he jokinly made a comment how he could of called the cops.. but he knows that our prosecutor after I told him what happened would of looked the other way. We know our prosecutor. A couple years ago my husband got caught up in a dealing charge bc of who he was hanging out with .. TOWN HUMILATION.. my husband should of gotten 10 years but our prosecutor knew that it was all BS.. i worked my ass off to prove my husband ws innocent .. i paid 3k for a lawyer and i was in contact more our prosecutor then our damn lawyer.. my dad died during this 3 month of incarceration.. so prosecutor being our friend let my husband out immediately and my was time served. How many times I have wondered if I was in dire trouble how far would my husband go.. i kno my mom would b all over it. I have read so many of these stories.. and how does this earth still have men walking around.. I can not play around.. I come from some very strong woman . I was raised by my great grandma and grandma.. both had a very hard life bc of POS men.. so no way in heck my 2 daughters i have to set an example for will think this type of behavior is acceptable. our oldest is 20 and engaged.. her fiance knows WE DONT PLAY.. either you MAN up or move along. My husband lost his contact lists when his phone got shattered ( not by me :) ) and last night i was snoping around his FB.. he had a message request form not a friend.. it was from the WHORE.. asking him WTF is going on .. this was last week when I was gonna release hell upon her.. Which I have HAND to do so!! So when i seen it.. it says Brittney is in your contact list ad her as a friend.. WELL curiousity killed that cat.. so might as well take care of the curosity.. I went snooping.. and i found his entire contact list.. he said he saved that chics name under a guys nae cuz if a female number was in his phone i would be mad.. well there was like 8 females in his contact all with their proper name.. so unsure who he is trying to BS.. but seriously.. is lieing to me worth burning in hell ? I am 8 days past the DD.. and I am still as angry and ready to stomp him as day one.. I was so angry suring all this the past week I even used god name in vain one time to just let him know how pissed I am .. i can cuss like a sailor but we do NOT use the lords name in vain.. I can not believe he did this.. i love him more than anything but seriously.. i am 38 and i got at least a good 20-25 years ... do i really want to wait to start over.. he broke my heart and this is the worst feeling in the world.. not someting i ever want to happen again.. in 10 years from now what if he does it again.. then i will be 48 almost 50 ..a lot easier to start over at 38 then 48.. i didn't sit and see my grandma cry over POS men for nothing.. did I not learn ? My mom is a HUGE adultress.. so bad that i actually belong to the farmer down the road. but my dad was a man and steped up and raised me as his.. i always thought girls went for men after their father.. but i am starting to think i went after a man that was like my mom.. and my mom f**ckin sucks!

      Delete
    3. I don't kno what 2 do. 2 nights ago we argued over the situation again. He takes guilt butbits very smug..he throws my affair that was 11 years ago in my face..even thou he sayd we was even since 10 years b4 that he cheated when our oldest was 3-4 wks old. He doesnt ubderstand how horible my confidence is and doesnt realize he is the only one who can repair it. I begged him ib October and confind in him how much i felt bad about myself. Not once did he compliment me since then. The OW that he had texted ..SHE IS 180 OPOSSITE of me...short like 5'...short hair..glasses.. No kids..black hair.. Im tall..long blonde hair and strapped with his kids. I want to believe him. I love him. He has been my best friend my entire life..and thisbisbsuch a spit in my face. He knows he done wrong..that is why he throws my affair in my face. I have literally treated him 1000% then he has treated me. He is in need or a pickle..he isbtaken care of. This past xmas he did not get me anything..we went tobthe mall..he got cologne...we always put into our kids so we was short for cash.. But its over a month past xmas..he couldbof bought flowers or something. Ik if i leave i could find soneobe who would apperciate me but i want the man i spent 22 years with...thisbpast mobth my husband has done a 180..thebother night when was arguing...he said things like poor Cindy she has it so ruf...get over it. Almost like poke fun at me over being heart broken. I asume he is doing this cuz of the guilt..i kno our 20 yr old warned him..try 2 bring another chic into our life and i will torture her daily..lije she said she is 20..she has a voice. I personally had a mother cheated daily on my dad.. To this day i call her out and have no shame about it. So while my dad was off to work to pay for our home. And everythibg since my mom dobt work..she repays him by having an affair for 43+ and going years. My dad is dead now. Its so frustrating..i did not ask to have my life turned upside down. I did not ask for my hisband to b a c**ksucker.

      Delete
    4. D,
      It sounds as if there's a whole lot of pain and long-overdue issues that need to be worked through.
      Your husband's behaviour is NOT okay and I don't blame you for wanting to get away from him. But with everything else you've said (including that he's your best friend), it might be worth finding a really good marital counsellor who can help you sift through all this. Two long-ago affairs, a mother who cheated on your father, a marriage marked by emotional neglect -- you've both got a lot to figure out. I really hope you'll find someone to help you. In the meantime, keep reading here. There's a lot of good advice and support and compassion here. WE know how painful it is to learn of a husband's affair. WE know the pain you're in. And it sucks.

      Delete
  44. Elle this blog as helped me more than you will ever know! I thank you everyday for creating it. I am 2 months d-day, and everyone's post have helped me to know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy for all my feelings and actions! My h cheated on me with a younger woman. I found out and he has told me everything. He only met with the ow three times, they had sex all three times kind of a wam bam thank you mam kinda thing. I too as all of you was completely blown away and devastated. I had no idea don't get me wrong I knew our relationship of 5 years was having problems but I trusted this man completely with no doubts. I admit starting with my biological father to my last marriage I learned trusting men was a let down, but this wonderful caring man got me past this. So to learn of this affair to say the least was bigger than life to me. My h has answered every question I've asked him, is he says so sorry for the pain he's caused me. He says the pain in my eyes about kills him and will forever be embedded in his mind and will never do this again. He's met all my demands and then some. I too wondered WHY I would even want him to look at me after it happened little lone sleep with him!! This blog made me realize I wasn't crazy or stupid! I find myself wanting to live in what everyone calls "pain shopping" I know it's not good for me because I know what I need to know and now I'm just giving myself more pain. I've asked myself, God, my h how does something so awful bring us closer together. I've told him I am to to blame and will not take any responsibility for him choosing to cheat and going through with it. But I know I am responsible in part to how he got there. Removing all affection and happiness from our marriage just being more like room mates. But this realization doesn't take away the pain and anger I have that he's done this to us. Some days are ok and others are just downright unbearable still. He's begged for me to forgive him and let him be the h I deserve and we are trying and I can say it's better than it's ever been. My biggest hurdle I think is in making my mind believe this will never happen again or "is he lying to me". The night he told me everything I think is when I reached my lowest point where I thought I might not return. I thought of killing myself I drank heavily just trying to numb the pain. I was hateful, angry, hurt, etc but no matter what I said or did my h stood with me at my lowest point in life knowing I couldn't be alone. The next day I feel like I got up and slowly started towards a new me and a new us if we were ever going to make it. Thank you all for helping me by reading all your posts comments and advice without this blog I don't know where I'd be!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Betrayed,
      I've been where you were. But two months out is still so raw. I was barely functional at two months out.
      You mentioned that you've had a lot of disappointment from men in your life. Your husband's betrayal is excruciating, I know. But I wonder too if this can be the time you finally heal all those long-ago wounds. To finally work through all the pain you've endured from your biological father on down.
      Somewhere along the line, I wonder if you got the idea that you're not loveable. That you're not worthy. And that, therefore, it might just happen again. It's reasonable, of course, to belief if could happen again. After all, he cheated once right? But at some point, you'll need to figure out if there's more to it than that. If this betrayal has triggered some long-ago wound.
      We can sometimes use this experience to really re-discover ourselves, and to finally recognize our own worth.

      Delete
  45. Wow what a great resource this is. Elle, thanks so much for setting this up. It has been of great help to me since I discovered my so-called faithful husband having an online/emotional affair with a work colleague based in another country. I had my DDay 2 months ago and discovered all the evidence just before Christmas. I finally trusted my gut instinct and did some investigations on his work laptop while he was out. Discovering the emails & photos that the OW sent him was gut wrenchingly painful. And when I confronted him about it, he tried to lie about it first but in the end, he just stood there like a pathetic, useless piece of garbage. We have had only 3 counselling sessions together and since then, I found out that he had given up on our marriage and didn't even say anything to me about it. He's had the affair for about 7-8 months before I discovered it. And he thought that I would never be hurt or find out about it. He had no intention of telling me. Apparently, he was so broken and confused and was trying to work out what to do about our marriage before he takes it up with her!! I'm so angry & mad as he took it upon himself to make all these decisions about our relationship without telling me about it. At the moment, he said he's so confused and broken and he doesn't know what to do. He's admitted his guilt, feels remorseful and he knows he messed up but he doesn't know if he wants to recommit to making things work. I booted him out as I just couldn't stand to look at this pathetic excuse of a human being. We have 2 beautiful girls, 9 & years old who are sad & devastated by him moving out but they don't know about the affair. They put up a brave face and have even concocted a story on how to get through this. Apparently he needs to discover who he is as a person and what makes him happy. He's turning 45 this year for goodness sake!! Shouldn't he know who he is by now?? When he's confused and broken, what does that mean?? Would love to hear what others think as I'm so confused by his confusion. I'm trying to move on but sometimes the pain & hurt is so excruciating I feel like just giving in to the tears.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anoymous February 6
      When I first discovered my h affair, actually his ow contacted me with the 'truth', I could do nothing but let the tears flow! Then the anger of it all consumed me for weeks on end! We spent 6 months trying to get her to leave us alone and finally with a court order she sorta has! The pain would go down for a few days and then I would just crumble! I went through this roller coaster of emotions for months and now I'm more able to deal with most of them but I still get triggered when I least expect it! I come back here and there are so many strong ladies that pick me up and give such good advice! Keep going to therapy and take your time feeling the emotions and you will get to the end of tears. Be gentle with yourself! Your pain is so fresh! I'm very sorry for the pain you feel and just know you are not alone in the number of tears and how often the emotions change! Hugs for your pain!

      Delete
    2. Update: Been working on our issue..worked thru it from what I thought the end of last week..all was good..husband is no longer enployed where OW works. Saturday we had date night..his buddy who he is going into business with contacted him saturday..wanted to negotiate some figures so wanted my husband 2 come over. It was 6..our plan was to leave at 8 for date night.....830 comes around I call husvand..no answer..i text..no answer...I call his buddy no answer...10 mins later his buddy calls me and says hisband left 5 mins ago. It was now 844...i call husband no answer...855..his viddy calls says yea if ya wannna find ur husband got to OW apartment..he was sick of covering for them..sick of her ( his sister in law ) and that its been going on and if i want answers go 2 her apartment. My entire heart was riped out of my chest..i was outside on the phone didnt want daughter and bbsiter to hear..i took off on foot..my husbands car is in the shop and he had my car.. The OW apartment is 15 miles away.. I made it 3 city blocks and went down with an anxiety attack...my husband CALLED..i begged him to come home i was in pain and my heart broke..i just needed him home. He said he was on the way...my sister had called my mom she knew very little...my mom came to my rescue..i was avoiding telling her..she is savage when this kind of atuff happens in the family so she is always the last to know.. She took me to the apartment..anxiety so bad. And BOOM!! My car was there...no idea what apartment. My mom and ibwas gonna just start beating on doors..i head out front and here comes my husband walking..ASKS ME WHATS WRONG?!?! Seriously..ur at her apartment!!! Him and i go to car and talk..he says he went to his buddies..she was there..so he passed..his buddy called and told him they was gonna have a sit down with her..his wife and my husband tobtalk a oit business and try to squash bs between them...HELLO MCFLY?!?! Am i being selfish thinking i should b inbolved MY HUSBAND IS CO OWNER!! The OW owns nothibg in the business. Well while my husband is there..his buddy was with the Ow ( hisbsister in law) and was grouping her?!? She got mad..she came out of room scene my husband there flipped and left...i called my husband and TOLD HIM i needed him home. Instead he went to her apartment to tell her that he was ending his friendship with his buddy and not doing a business and he APOLOGIZED to her ...he says he stood on door step never went in.. after we spoke in car he kept saying for me not to go to door..NEGATIVE!! I went to door..she answered. I said what was needed told her i was done. I did put some threats on the table to let her kno..i am 38..3 kids and i am beyond High school BS. MY HUSBAND walked up finally and said how its all been a huge misunderstanding she knows it he knows it ..i said WHY DID ur bro n law call me..she says he is stupod drunk right now and it got weird when i was alone in the other room with him. Yesterday morning his buddy starts to call and text..APOLOGIZED cuz he drank a pint of Jack and a case of beer..so everything he was saying was lies..EXCEPT THE FACT MY HUSBAND WAS AT THAT APARTMENT!!! Husband swears its not sexual..nothing..all he says is she has a nice personality and that was it..she was part of the click over there....my husband says he felt sorry for his buddies wife and for the OW cuz his buddy wants the OW...so how does that make hisbwife the OWs sister feel?? IDC..why would i care?? I dont kno these people the 3 weeks the 3 of them have been In my life its been chaos. Why apaologise to the OW ..she has stated many times she does NOT want my hisband he is to old (44) and its gross and creepy. BUT my anxiety keeps saying WHAT IF?? What if she liked him..then what.. I am sick of arguing about this..sick of obsessong over it. Didnt really expect him to GO TO HER FFFFF APARTMENT...but he is that guy..needed 2 apologise..GTFO

      Delete
    3. Forgot to add..that turns out the bro in law has the hots for the OW...he was jealous of my husband and the OW cuz he was thinking stuff was going ob between them..cuz the friend has made it clear he wpuld "tear that up" if gave the oppurtunity. And my husband still swears 2 god that he wanted no relatiobship with the OW ..it was just a good scene with the click and he thought she was cool. I have obsessed about this so much..pulled all phobe records..compared times..sherlocked this like no other..it sucks..my eyes hurt..chest hurts..throat hurts..head hurts...heart hurts..

      Delete
    4. D
      Your pain is so raw and the uncertainty you feel is because you are still unsure of the true details! The fact is those details don't really matter in the really raw pain stage as you can't digest them. Or at least I couldn't! My h has spent months on end answering my questions and I couldn't even ask the right questions for the first six months or more! First you have to slow down take really deep breaths and in time with his help you will come to the understanding you need! Has all contact between the two of them stopped? If not, you can't move forward! Second if you are still in 'investigation mode' because you can't trust the affair is over, you can't move forward! If you are still writhing in pain daily you can't make forward progress! He's the one that needs to come clean! You both need some therapy to help process the mess! God, all I can say is this is the most gut wrenching pain you can ever feel! It takes time to process and you have to go slow and be gentle with yourself! He has to show that he's changed and then his actions have to show you he's all in! I wish I had a way to make it go faster because I know how slow and painful it has been for me! However, with work on both of you you can find a path through it! Please know you are not alone in your feelings! Keep reading this blog and vent your anger and frustration here! We have all been there! Hugs!

      Delete
    5. i am struggling. so bad. I have sherlocked this.. I have obsessed.. all I can find out is was 1 simple text. but my husband took it far enough to text her and say " I wanna hang out with u" I am struggling.. 4 adults.. My husband, his buddy , his buddies wife ( OW sister ) and OW.. and none have legit came clean. The buddy told me 3 weeks ago tht O'no the OW isn't like that she is a good girl, 28 , no kids and would never get with a 44 year old man with 3 kids...that she is just one of the guys nothing more... but yet this same buddy OW brother in law has the hots for her.. I have no idea what to believe.. the guy is a dirt bag. worked with husband for several years since he has been out of prison.. ( classy aye? ) and Saturday night while my husband had him on the phone asking him why did he call me and tell me that my husband was there at her apartment having sex ect.. the buddy comes out and says " I know my wife isn't the prettiest thing to look at but"..... He said that in front of his wife!!! my husband did come clean to him and tell him that the OW said that he had been touching her and grooping her in the other room.. the buddy is a tattoo artist.. so the OW was getting one of her tats covered up Saturday night by him.. so he knew he was giving her a tatt and called my husband to come over while she was there.. the buddy had been blowing up my phone all day for my husband to come over.. BUT..i can't understand that if my husband went there.. he would see her purple ugly car in the driveway ..why did he stop to begin with . Why did NONE of these people think THE WIFE ..ME...would need to be involved.. Its been clear to all.. I have no issues taking charges. Was they thinking that the OW would be hanging out at the tatt shop? I have so many questions..my husband is going to confessional on Saturday .. he knows he brought this devil into our home.. I am disabled bc of a car accident from when I was 17.. I have PTSD, Severe Anxiety and OCD.. I have meds from doctor, he is aware of what is going on . I know I am immature, crazy, insane, ruthless, heartless at times.. but when I am good and not provoked I am a really good person. I like me, I refuse to take daily meds from a doc for my issues. My husband said he liked her personality.. but I like me.. I don't want to change who I am bc my husband likes her personality .. of course he claims that he would never cheat, and that he likes my personality .. but her's seemed to over power mine, his love for me.. maybe bc I am 38 now .. 3 kids.. boring a home mom its time for him to move on.. he swears I am obsessing way to much over this.. but this is who I am .. I can control my brain// I was raised by my great grandma and grandma.. they very ruff lives with me. They raised me to not take jack off men period.. I so badly want to believe what comes out of his mouth .. but the devil he brought in to the house is not letting me. Best part.. his old boss called him.. they need him back at his job.. a job that the OW works at and the buddy was going back. I want to be mature and just say okay.. if he cheats he cheats.. rather its there or some place else.. if it's gonna b done then so be it.. but I don't want to get myself in that state of mind cuz then I will distance myself and lose connection .. I kno me. thank you all for letting me vent.. I feel like I live in bazzaro world with a bunch of 8th graders.

      Delete
    6. D,
      Let's go back to the very start of this most recent shit-show. You booked a babysitter to have a date night with your husband. He knows that he's on thin ice because of all the other crap he's been pulling. This is his change to spend some time with you without the kids. AND HE DOESN'T SHOW UP. HE'S AT SOME WOMAN'S HOUSE. Even without all the other insanity, it's clear that he is not interested in rebuilding your marriage with you right now. That may change. But right now, he's sending you a clear message and you need to hear it.
      I know your heart is breaking but you are fighting for your sanity right now. You need to put yourself and your kids as your absolute number one priority right now. And that means talking to a lawyer to figure out what you'd be entitled to should the marriage dissolve (given all the business deals/non-deals, you want to be sure you're safe) and then you need to establish some really clear boundaries (see my most recent post about boundaries) in order to make it abundantly clear that you will not put up with all this craziness. You're right -- it is like the drama of a bunch of grade schoolers and you do NOT want to be pulled into it. All the "but she's just nice..." and "there's nothing going on..." and "he was drunk...." is all to distract you from what's really going on, which is that he wants to do whatever the hell he wants to do with absolutely NO regard for you as his wife.
      If he cheats, then you show him the door. If he cheats, then he loses you and his children. If he cheats, then he can look forward to your wrath. And he needs to know this. You are NOT to be played like a fool.

      Delete
  46. 3 weeks ago my husband told me cheated. He had slept with a woman while on an international biz trip. Somebody that he knew and had met on other business trips. Somebody I had met when I travelled with him on one of these trips. HE's told me it was just sexual, there was no emotion. After the incident he asked her to leave his hotel room. She still reached out to meet him. He said no, what happened was a mistake. When he returned home she called again and said she would like to visit our country. At that point he told her she is can come but he would not see her, it was all a mistake and she should stop contacting him. About a month after this, he was forced to tell me because a doc thought he had a STD. It turned out to be not true.We didn't have the best marriage. I loved him but in all of this we've realised that I was unhappy becoz of how he treated me. With a therapist I made the revelation that he had not been "aware" of me. He had been consumed with his needs and was completely oblivious to mine. I had a career, came home and was a mother and wife. I took it all on and wasn't asking for help (not that he was emotionally available to help then anyway). I was burning out and how it played out in my marriage was that I was resenting him and I couldn't be his wife.Our sexual relationship took a beating. Earlier in our marriage, on two occasions, he flirted via email with 2 other woman. He says nothing further happened. It was merely him having his ego stroked.This time his flirtation lead him into bed with another woman!!!!! I have decided to stay with my husband. I say that and I still have a sense of doubt whether I mean it. Truthfully, I don't want my marriage to end (it's easier to commit to that). I can see that we can build a better relationship from here because we understand each others needs so much more.In all honesty, since this came out he's been so attentive and caring and there for me, I've been so attracted to my husband. When I found out I insisted on calling the woman.But she didn't take the call from his phone so I msg her from mine. In it I told her that I wasn't a faceless person,she had met me and yet had still chosen to sleep with my husband. I asked her if she was happy with the way things worked out, if she was feeling contented that her actions could lead to 3 young boys growing up in divorced home. I asked her if she had felt any remorse so I could understand if she was human or if she felt content so I knew she was a bitch. I've since deleted her contact info on both our phones and blocked her number on his mobile phone. One moment I'm deeply in love with my husband and the next I'm sad, depressed and wanting to crawl up in bed. I think if you ask any woman what they would do (before this happens) they would say they would leave him. But a relationship isn't as black and white as that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow- I am in a very similar situation. I thought everything was good in my marriage, we were the perfect couple in many eyes. Our sex life also took a beating because of kids and some medicine that I needed to be on which decreased my sex drive. I told him that it would take time and to hang in there and he said he would and I believed him. My first reaction when he told me about the affair was anger and that I have to save my family. I contacted the woman through social media calling her a whore and to stay away from him. I made him tell his boss, because she was someone at work, so I would know that they could no longer work together. I did all the "right" first steps, we started therapy immediately, but I just feel lost. He keeps telling me that it is easier to walk away then to work on us and try to trust him again, but I feel the opposite. I feel like it is harder to say you want to leave because you are not the person I thought you were. It's harder to leave because my world and my kids world will completely fall apart. I do love him, but feel so lost that he did this to us and to me. He says he is remoarseful he says he only wanted to me and used her to get physical gratification. I want to believe all of that, but part of me doesn't understand if that was true how could it have lasted 4 weeks, how could you go back for more ( wouldn't once be enough). I feel the same that one moment the things he tells me such as, it was only physical, I had to think of you each time, I was not attracted to her, I didn't want to be with her, I thought I could keep it separated in my head but the guilt was too strong. I feel more in love with him and happy about that and then the next minute I stop and think, but then why did you do it in the first place?? How do you know when it is the right time to choose. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks, but I just feel like I should have some sort of answer or direction?

      Delete
    2. Anonymous March15
      Only 2 1/2 weeks I'm not sure how you are breathing! His affair was only four weeks and yet others of us have h that spent years with both ow and wife. We understand your confusion and lack of trust when he says but I only love you it was just sex. This will take much time to find out what feels right for you! Your h feels that it would be easier to split because that's the coward way of not taking responsibility for the damage his choice had caused you! The lost feelings come and go for most of us in this mess we've shared! Some advice go slow take care of you continue therapy watch how your h behaves towards you and read more if the stories on this blog! You should not need to feel the right answer until it feels safe and right for you. You have the rest of your life to make any changes you need! No rush take your time! Hugs for the pain I know all too well!

      Delete
  47. Second part to my post....But I would like to ask some advice? You speak of him cutting ties with the wife ccd in. I still unfinished when it comes to her. I suppose because I wasn't part of him cutting it off it leaves me a feeling like I haven't been part of it.So should I do that now?There will be a point when he has to travel internationally again. And what do I do if I know she will be there?Should I go with? He still has emails to her, from when he was planning the biz trip. I've avoided reading them. I've asked him if there's anything in them that would hurt me. He has offered for me to read them. I've wanted to read deleted phone messages between them. Should I or am I (in your word) "engaging in pain shopping in a misguided attempt to understand"?I suppose I'm looking for closure and I think if I know absolutely everything now I can move past this but if there's things that I don't see or read, then I am always going to be imagining the worst.My husband has answered all my questions.The whens and hows it all happened, the down and dirty. It did help because it got me out of my head(in my head was a lot worse)but at the same time I have all the sordid images.thank you for this forum.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for posting my story (above). It's been a relief reading other stories and an outlet for me.
      But it really is sad, as I read other posters stories, that we as woman need to get to this point to get our voice. And that the men in our lives need to get to the point of betraying the one they love to realise what was in front of them all along.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous,
      Every thing you're feeling -- the roller coaster of emotions -- is pretty "normal" under the circumstances.
      Give yourself time to process all this. You might feel more comfortable about your decision to rebuild your marriage or you might eventually decide to move on. But either way, you want your choice to be the result of considered thought -- not a knee-jerk reaction in a misguided hope to avoid pain.
      As for not being cc'd on the no contact e-mail: That's pretty much to ensure that no contact is clearly stated and that the affair partner is made aware that you are in the picture, that you know what happened and that you two are operating as a team. It sounds, from your interactions with her, that you've made that clear. At this point, just keep her cut out of your lives. Your husband should have no contact with her, even if he goes overseas again for a business.
      If you're chosen to stay and feel mostly clear about that choice, then focus on your marriage. Focus on YOUR healing from this. It's absolutely true that we can use this experience (ugh!) to create a better, richer marriage. But it takes a lot of time, a genuine commitment and compassion.

      Delete
  48. It has been almost 2 years since the betrayal my Dday was June 2, 2014. The sad part is I got the truth after confronting her 2 weeks after him. I've asked for the truth and even now he just tells me to get over it. He kept talking to her for months after and we even separated because of it. I could not stay where I felt unwanted or to constantly be humiliated by his constant contact with her. She was his bosses daughter, 10 years younger and going through a divorce for her husband cheating. During this we were struggling with our teenage children mine through another relationship but his since they were 4 and 5. He kicked my son out during his affair with her. Lied to our own son and repeatedly to me. When I confronted him, he said they were just friends and that he needed someone to talk to. He still won't talk to me. He told her secrets of our marriage and had a relationship with her for just a couple few months before I caught on. Yet now I feel like how can I matter if you can't share the secrets of the affair with her. It's like this wall I can't get past. The movie of them still plays in my head and in my sleep. I cry everyday on my way home. My daughter moved out during this as well to her dad who has had little part in their upbringing. I can't get him to understand my need for him to tell me the truth of what exactly happened minus their sexual details. She called him last January after he came home and he hid it from me until I asked him because he was being weird. He doesn't understand that set me back. He lied about contact with her dad his ex-boss in November. But still doesn't get the hurt and damage. Sometimes I just wish I was dead to end this pain. I think maybe I should leave again but I know how hard that was once because deep down I love him so much but I think I am so afraid he doesn't really love me or respect me. I think I'm so afraid to be happy that my over thinking is killing me. Help please!!

    ReplyDelete
  49. I know it's not my fault really that he cheated. But how hard it is not to hate everything about yourself. Everything is shattered. My self esteem, my belief in my self, my marriage. When I found out. I wanted to die. He stayed with his aunt for a week and didn't even try to apologize. He ran to her whore ass. Then came home and told me sorry, he loved me and wanted to work it out. Yet within a week he was calling and texting her again. He doesn't seem to understand that the constant disrespect killed me until I fucking blew up. He talked to her in front of me like I wasn't even there and then she was texting me right before that. So many lies and words I am still so lost as the only truth I have is hers because he still won't tell me the truth. He just says he made a mistake but it was a fucking choice to repeatedly lie and have sex with her. I can't even get through a damn day because he refuses to help me heal with the truth. I'm not sure I can continue to fight for a marriage even after almost 14 years together. I am so lost and the person who is supposed to be my best friend won't discuss his affair but shared our lives with her whore ass. My kids have to live with this scar and her kid is young enough never to remember the Chester her husband was that she left. Who just left for him cheating and going through her own divorce for a cheating spouse does that to another woman. She had no respect for my kids every time she called him before and after Dday. I'm not sure how to move on or forgive when he can't be honest. Who's he protecting her or himself? To top it off she had a friend who knew what they were doing was wrong who was a friend of my own brother and even told my H she knew him. Fuck!!!! This is just a fucking horrible situation and I get no help I know I need ic and mc. But I'm not able to afford anything. I'm so glad I found this blog

    ReplyDelete
  50. I keep hearing where husbands admitted answered questions but my h won't. Even 1.5 years later. I tell myself he chose me but did he? He said a lot of mean hateful things during the discovery stage. He does little things to try to show me he loves me. Today, his former boss, whores dad, sent him a message asking him if he was still looking for side jobs. And he told me. I told him it was his choice but I'm not comfortable with it. He told me he didn't think it was right for our family for him to do side jobs for them. I want to move on and I'm not sleeping well as I think it started physically somewhat between them around Saint Patrick's day at a Flogging Molly concert that he was invited to by them. He won't admit that though but phone records show him calling her early the next morning. I'm dreaming about her and just want to punch him in his face again. Final straw moment when he wouldn't stop talking to her and my kids knew he was on the phone with her. Lost it. However I see the good things he is doing for us and the things his trying to build but part of me is so afraid to trust this as I believed we were happy before Dday but as I was stupid and naive. But why can't he be fucking honest at this point. Struggling within myself sucks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heather Gomez
      Your story is so full of heartache and pain. It appears your husband has been dragging his heels through the fog of the affair and honestly he may not be capable of facing what pain you carry. It took my h months and months to come completely clean of the details I needed to move forward. We still stumble after almost two years after dday. I suppose for me it was because of the struggle we had getting his ow out of our lives. Your h may not have the words or the ability to put it into words to give you the answers you seek. My h was and still is very embarrassed by his choices at that time. He still has problems helping me through triggers because it also causes him to again feel the shame of what damage he truly caused. I suggest a therapist that can help both of you coming to the truth together. In the beginning my h just wanted to avoid my questions and would say if you forgive me why can you just move past this and look at me for now and the things I'm doing now. That caused me much lost sleep and tears that he just didn't get it. I finally explained to him my need was for me to process this mess and without the truth in the timeline I could not move past. We then began the tough months of me asking questions and him giving honest answers. But he got tired of the same questions and at times we went too far and I would trigger and boom back to the beginning we went until finally with much patience on my part to ask and then stop and listen to him. It was a slow process but together we got all the nasty out on the table and I've slowly let it go! Has been wonderful to find myself again! I no longer need details of then I just need to see him making the right choices now each and every day no matter how tired from work he is... Is he perfect, no he's still a man... His emotional needs are completely opposite of mine! Difference now is he knows my needs and is making a effort everyday to become a better man! We would not be here still together if it were not for the effort in his part. I also struggled for months on end trying to get him to understand my need for answers out in a way he could understand . This is a very slow process and is only possible if both of you are willing to look within yourselves and see what led you to this unhappy place! Many hugs sent your way and just know you are not alone in these feelings!

      Delete
  51. So I truly feel like a crazy ass person right now. Blew up on my h after he played ps4 all day. And pretty much went emotionally crazy about his affair. How one had to do with the other. I've no clue. I've officially probably just truly killed my marriage for my inability to filter my words or get control of my emotions. I'm feeling so racked over the coals. Why am I still having a hard time after almost 2 years. We just had a good date night last night. I feel like a crazy psycho bitch

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heather Gomez
      You more than likely have unresolved issues surrounding the affair and your anger/hurt that he spent so many hours on a game triggered you back emotionally. I myself have had several of those type meltdowns and I wonder at times how my h has gotten past how nasty his choices to have his double life has made me. I've had to work very hard to get my emotions under control when I'm disappointed at one thing but I lash out with ugly words towards my h and it has caused us a few steps back. We pick ourselves up and move forward together each of us trying to understand what our relationship needs to get stronger and stay honest and loving. It's a daily choice we make and we are doing better. I would suggest therapy to help both of you understand what is happening now and I can also say it takes time... Hugs for your current pain!

      Delete
    2. Heather,
      As my therapist used to say to me, when we respond in a way that seems out of proportion to the current issue then we're responding to old stuff, not current stuff. In other words, Theresa is right. Your response to your husband's weekend-long PS4 binge is triggering feelings about the affair. And no surprise. Two years might seem like a long time but most experts say it's 3 - 5 years to really get past...and that's with "ideal" circumstances like a totally remorseful spouse and fabulous therapy.
      Are you in counselling? If not, I would urge you to find someone who can help you process the betrayal. It triggers such deep pain in us that it often takes a professional to help us work through it. In the meantime, can you think back to what you were saying to yourself while he was in front of the video game? Things, perhaps, like, "why aren't I important enough for him to pay attention to me?" or "when was the last time I got to veg out and do nothing while someone else took care of everything?" etc. etc. Once you become aware of what you're telling yourself, you'll be better able to figure out what the real issue is -- his withdrawal? Laziness? Unwillingness to spend time with you?
      But, again, I would urge you to talk this through with a counsellor. Maybe a couples counsellor for each of you to learn how to manage conflict before it gets out of control.

      Delete
    3. Heather, I know you said that you cannot afford therapy - I am not sure where you live, but I get that. Unfortunately in our area, pretty much all of the mental health therapists will only take private pay, or they are out of network for insurance. I do believe that you will be able to find someone to listen. Sometimes you can find a therapist through your church or even through your place of work, there may be an employee support Hotline which can direct you. Also, I believe the reason you are not moving forward is because your husband will not talk about the affair. I totally get that. My husband talked freely about the affair just after D day… And then months later he almost developed his own PTSD and was literally frightened of seeing me for fear of the pain that would ensue - not because I was hateful or angry, but because of the questions I would ask and the tears he would see Some suggestions I may have. Not that I certainly am an expert as we are still struggling. As per our therapist, limit the amount of time that you speak about the affair. I know for myself I could have spoken about it from morning till night. Our therapist suggested a once a week timeframe of say 30 minutes to an hour. Of course if something was extremely upsetting to me in between that time frame we all agreed that I could certainly reach out to my husband for conversation/comfort. Write your questions down and think them through… You may decide not to ask them. How do you get your husband to even talk once a week? I told my husband, because he did not want to answer any more questions or do anymore work after about nine months ... I told him that I was not certain that we were going to make it if we did not do that. I also told him that I, he and our marriage had gone through such tremendous pain that I want to be absolutely certain that some good comes from this. Good can only come in the form of growth, for each of us personally and for our relationship. And finally, the fact that your husband was back in touch with the OW… Yes, my husband did that as well. And yes, that, in some cases, seems to be the most painful. Yet, it is not unusual. Even the experts, in particular Dr. Shirley Glass, readily note how difficult it is for a person to end their affair. One last suggestion, at times I too, do not want to talk about the affair per se. In fact, that can go on for weeks. Even still, I make certain to tell my husband and remind him that we will revisit our weekly meeting for growth. In essence, I do not want him to think that I am "over it." Love & Light.

      Delete
    4. Elle,

      Let me start by saying, thank you. After my initial irrational blow up. I actually went home and decided maybe I can't forgive him truly because I can't forgive myself for being so damn stupid. I told him I don't think I could. I have told him I will not "get over it" but I can get through it. He says he doesn't understand what is going on as we have so much we have rebuilt in the last year since he came back in December of 14. To him he feels he has answered what he should have and rehashing something he can't change and how deeply he really regrets what he did as he hurt me and lost the respect of his kids and family. He says all he can do is try to rebuild and accomplish all the goals we had then and now. I have tried to explain that my fear is without getting through what made it so easy that we are not dealing with the issues behind the affair. He states he has told me why as he felt we(the kids and I). Didn't care if he was there unless we needed something. Blah blah blah. I was sick at the time of his affair. So boo hoo to him. After my blow up he went from being confused and then crying. I'm very confused still by this. From what he is saying, he does not see how talking about her is going to fix or change his stupid choice. He is truly deeply sorry but doesn't want to keep looking back only forward. Do I live with that or do I leave because I deserve honesty about everything?

      Delete
  52. I have been lurking on this site for quite some time now. My Dday was February 5, 2015. I have decided to stay and try to work it out but I cannot seem to move past the betrayal. I must think about it dozens of times a day. I cannot get the picture of the two of them lying together, skin to skin. The imagery is haunting me.

    We have been married for 30 years. It is so painful.

    I have read many stories on the web this past year and I have not yet found someone with the same story. I know there are always similarities but mine seems different.

    My friend told me to put it out there on the web and see if anyone else has experienced this. So, I started my own blog.
    www.wives-matter.com . I will cut and paste my 1st blog entry here. I would love to hear comments here or on my site.

    Thank you Elle for starting this blog.

    -------------
    continue to part 2

    ReplyDelete
  53. t has been 407 days or 1 year, 1 month and 13 days since I found out my husband was having an affair.

    What I would like to do today is to find out if there is anyone else who has gone through an experience like this. I have been scouring the web, since the affair, to see if some other woman has lived through this. Although there many stories that resemble mine and many similarities, I cannot find one that matches mine.

    Not that it’s that special, unless you want to call Hell special.

    I am a, born and bred, American. My husband, born in a 3rd world country in South America, came to the US for a B.A. degree and a Masters and stayed on to pursue a career.

    We met when he was in his 2nd year in his career. We were married in November 1985 and have 3 children whom have just last year graduated from college.

    So, as of January 2015 we have been together for 30 years married for 29. On Superbowl weekend (2015) he traveled out of the country to visit his brother. Over the previous couple of weeks I noticed he was acting differently. A little distant, perhaps. I knew something was up. I was suspicious, but had no idea he was capable of such deceit. When he returned from his trip he was even more distant and I started looking for clues, proof, anything that would explain his behavior. He told me, of course, nothing was amiss.

    After he went to bed, I checked his briefcase and found a handwritten love letter to another women. Now, this woman turns out to be someone he was attracted to back in High School. She had left the same 3rd world country to live in Canada which happened to be near my husband’s brother.

    Over the next few days I started checking his phone and PC and found emails and receipts that showed he had stayed one night with his brother and two with her. Four days after I had found the love letter I presented him with the evidence and gave him a choice. Me or her, to be decided immediately.

    He chose me.

    ReplyDelete
  54. part 3

    Now, here is what I don’t understand. He reconnected with some of his former classmates about 20 years ago, at my suggestion no less. She was one of the classmates that started emailing him. Unbeknownst to me, they emailed and phoned each other approx 4-6 times a year, for 20 years. In 2004 my husband went to a reunion in Canada and she was there. She was going through a divorce and apparently they did not sleep together (so he says).

    In 2010 he had dinner with her when he went on a business trip to Canada. He says he didn’t sleep with her that night either. I was never privy to their emailing, phoning or visits.

    All the years between their first contact and the sexual meetup there were hundreds of “friendly” emails and phone calls. Evidence which was all on his PC.

    In January 2015 he made plans to visit her during the trip to see his brother and then started a physical relationship.

    Now here is the thing.

    He says that he never intended on leaving me. Never even thought about what this would do to me, etc. All he ever wanted was to have sex with this woman. Has always wanted to have sex with this woman. Since High School. He has never cheated on me with anyone else, never had any interest to. I did nothing wrong, he was happy with our marriage. Since I discovered the affair he wants nothing more to do with this woman.

    So,

    Question #1. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

    Question #2. What kind of man can have this hidden desire for decades, then act on it, betraying his wife of 30 years? I just don’t get it.

    At the present time I am not going anywhere. My husband is repentant, remorseful and deeply sorry for putting me through this. I am not repulsed by him, I still love him. He has been treating me better than he has for years. And at this stage of the game, what choice do I have? I am 60 years old this year.

    Please don’t comment that I am a Chump for staying. Our marriage wasn’t bad, in fact we had a good run. Until last year. Now he is willing to work harder than he ever has to make up for his bad choices.

    I also thought I would be a lot farther along in recovery from the affair. It is still one of the first things I think of when I wake and last thing when I go to sleep. I do not cry… as often.

    Mrs. C

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mrs. C,
      Your story is, sadly, not all that unusual. The high-school reunion cliché exists because so many people hook up with someone they pined for when they were younger. Facebook has essentially replaced the reunion in order to facilitate the hooking up of former flames or would-be paramours.
      However, just because others know your situation doesn't make it any less excruciating to go through and I'm so sorry for your pain. Your decision to stay is yours alone -- nobody here will call you a Chump (that's the OTHER site) for deciding that your marriage is worth rebuilding. You get to walk your own path.
      However, betrayal takes far longer to heal from than most of us could have ever imagined. Years and years longer.
      Your husband's response will make it easier. But you still have to do the work yourself of purging the demons in your own mind.
      You may never understand how he could have done what he did. It's a constant refrain on this site -- few of us can understand just how our partners could do this and still love us. It defies logic. And that's because it's inherently illogical. What it amounts to is your husband's ability to convince himself that you wouldn't get hurt. That he could satisfy this long-standing itch for some girl he liked in high school (and let's be honest, the emotions in high school are intense and based far more on hormones than anything else) and still keep his otherwise happy marriage.
      And that's HIS work to do. To figure out what story he was telling himself that made his choice to be with her okay. Until he understands, chances are you aren't going to understand.
      For now, know that it's possible to be in a happy, loving marriage and still, occasionally, wonder about some long-lost love. It doesn't say a thing about you...it's about him. Did he feel like he could prove something about himself? That he could feel "young" again? Again, that's for him to figure out.
      If you're not in counselling though, I would suggest it. Your heart has been shattered, your faith has been challenged, your trust has been destroyed. It takes time to rebuild that and it can help to have a professional on your side.

      Delete
    2. Mrs. C. You are by no means a chump. I stayed and we are working our marriage out. Mine wasn't the same issue as yours but it hurts you to the core non the less.

      Delete
    3. Mrs. C, my husband's affair was with a woman who he had dated in his early 20s. No, he did not pine for her all those years, yet 20 years later, during the planning and the actual event of a reunion… just after hat is when they started an emotional affair that later became physical. There are many many reasons my husband had an affair… Not the least of which was his attempt to recapture his youth. I actually think it is rather normal to think about a lost love, if you will. As Elle pointed out that was a time in our lives when love was new and hormones were flying. I have often thought about my first love and enjoy hearing what he is doing in life. I am not saying your husband was in love twith his woman, it sounds like he was infatuated with her from a young age. I guess the point I want to share with you is ... The fact that your husband had this so-called relationship with this other woman for so many years does not mean that he loved you any less. He apparently did not love himself. He needed the attention and affection from two women and of course, other loved ones. Sometimes, when I am struggling with the question "how could he have possibly done this to me?" I realize (a he did not do it TO me he did it FOR him - and my succinct explanation to it all is… "He's an idiot." No, perhaps, not the most mature way to think of all this and I truly don't think of it that way I have all of the explanations, research, books, conversations, therapy appointments to support the real reasons behind it all and to try to explain it all in my head. But the truth be told I will never know for sure and it will never be neat, and tidy in my brain. So, when I want to move on with my day and perhaps the thoughts are a bit intrusive I simply go with my pat answer… "He's an idiot." So, I believe your husband had the deep, true and committed Love for you and when he reached out for her ... He was reaching out to stroke his ego, as my husband realized and has told me more than once… She could've been anyone. Love & Hugs!

      Delete
  55. Elle,

    Thank you for your kind words. I guess you are right about not being that unusual. I think what I am confusing with the long lost love from High School is that it is combined with another country nothing like ours and, some of their cultural background I will never be able to share because I did not live it. How can I compete with that? Yes, I know it's not supposed to be a competition, but it is another area that gets in the way.

    She took something that was once only mine and they also share a cultural bond that is impossible for me to have. I feel at such a disadvantage.

    BTW, I am getting counseling but I want this pain to go away. I still want to know some of the details that he says he "doesn't remember". Is the only way to get past this is to be satisfied with not knowing? I have so many questions, still. I don't know how some people can move on just knowing that the affair is over. Then I wonder, is it over? Is there also someone else? Have there been others?

    You would think I could shake this off. I feel like others look at me and say "Get over it already. You said you'd stay, so move on".

    Sorry to just rant. This is the first time I have put this out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mrs. C,
      Anyone who thinks you should be "over" it simply because you decided to stay has absolutely no understanding of betrayal. It doesn't matter whether we stay or go. Betrayal is wound that cuts us to our core. It is something we need to process. Many people who experience betrayal have post-trauma symptoms (which you describe) -- the fear, the lack of trust, the hyper-vigilance.
      Betrayal can't be "shaken off", it must be worked through. And we do that slowly (too slowly for most of us). We do it be learning what we can about infidelity in general and our situation in particular. We do it by treating ourselves gently and compassionately. We do it by putting one foot in front of the other, day after day. Some days it's easier than others.
      You'll get there, Mrs. C. Stop comparing yourself to her. She could just as easily look at you and see you as "exotic" and "interesting" because you have a different culture. None of that matters. What matters is that your husband went outside your marriage to find something that he needs to find within himself.
      And please, don't apologize for coming here and seeking advice. That's why we're here.

      Delete
    2. Mrs. C,

      My Dday was Dec 20, 2015. The day after Christmas we began couples counseling. Our stories are similar (aren't all stories of betrayal somewhat similar). Married 36 years, 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren. The day of the discovery my heart was shattered into 100 million pieces. I never thought this would happen to me. I never knew my world could be turned so upside down and twisted. I have good days and bad days. There's always the worry...is he still carrying on behind my back? How would I know? It's so dam easy these days with technology to deceive. My H began an EA with his hairdresser and then it became physical. He's gone to counseling with me, pledged no contact, has been wonderful for the most part, and wants us just to "be happy". H said he never intended to leave me or hurt me. He said he was curious because he had had only one other "lover" in his life. He says he'll never do anything to hurt me like this again. I am choosing to stay with my H and I go on each day because I love him. I want to believe him, but holy crap sometimes the imagery in my head goes wild! Everyone says it takes time. Time is sometimes my enemy because dammit I didn't ask for this, but I'm in it anyways. I guess it's up to me to use my time wisely.

      Wishing you a day of peace.

      Delete
  56. D day for me was will be 2 years ago in May 2016. I found out that whilst he worked abroad he was having a relationship in our apartment with a girl 22 years younger than him (he is 50) for 3 years. She didnt know he was married, she also thought that he was 15 years younger as he looks young for his age. He then embarked on another relationship with a cabin crew girl again 22 years younger than him 6 months before the shit hit the fan. I found out in an uneventful way when the second girl called his phone whilst it was charging next to me. This second girl revealed to me that he was not the first and that he had told her that he had split with his previous girlfriend recently. The first one thought he was cheating on her and the second one thought that he had just moved on, none of them knew that they were both OW. After an horrendous 2 years, the pain is better than it was, I have had mild depression I have behaved erratically, I have been violent towards him I have cried relentlessly,Ive had counselling, Our grown children have all reacted in different ways and I have had to manage their hurt at their dads betrayal, we've had a short amount of couple counselling he has begged, refused to entertain divorce and I am embarrassed to admit that I havent been brave enough to take that step even though there were times when I wanted him to disappear. Things are a little better now, It is not always the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning although I might think about it later on in the day. What is happening now is that I am a champion detective, I have unearthed everything and I continue to do so. I know its past, but I have found out that my husband is probably the biggest liar that ever walked the earth and I found out that he can argue so convincingly about something that you would never believe he was lying. I also believe that he has played around for years and has a particular freind that they got up to stuff together with. I realised that he had an unusual amount of womens numbers in his contacts and I hadnt even noticed,I am currently obsessed with looking at his personal papers emails phone anything, even if Ive seen it before and I bring up stuff and question him. Its as though I don't know him I don't recognise this person and we have been married for 28 years. He says that he will nolonger answer any questions or go over things as it has been so long. Why does he want to stay with me? It doesnt make sense. Its always in the back of my mind no matter how much I smile and laugh with him Im thinking You dirty b*****d, you're such a hypocrite. I don't really know what im asking here, I just needed to get it off my chest and need to stop obsessing. I really want to have him feeling insecure like I have felt, not by having an affair, but just rocking his world a bit and making him feel uncertain about me. What can I do?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Detective,
      You can refuse to live like this, that's what you can do. Nobody deserves to live with someone they can't trust to keep their heart safe. He's asking you to give him a second chance? He refuses to answer your questions? You're still finding out about an entire lifetime of deception? He's giving you absolutely no reason to trust him. He's giving you nothing...and expecting you to give him the rest of your life.
      You don't respect him. You don't like him. You don't want him in your life. Don't let fear of what's next stop you from taking that step. Yes, it will be scary. But surely it will be better than this. Just imagine waking up in your own home and not having to spend the day unearthing more information about his deception. Your life would be yours to live.
      Honey, you deserve so much more than this. I hope you believe that.

      Delete
  57. The day my world fell apart 2/4/2016

    I found out that my husband/partner of 12 years who I have 2 children with, has for last 3 months been meeting women he found in classified ads to pay for oral sex, on 4 occasions.
    I found out because our iPhones do this annoying syncing thing that calls and web searches come up on each other's phones and it came up with a search for this "escort" page, plus there were a ton of calls to this number that when I google searched as I was suddenly suspicious, that came up with loads of listings for an escort.
    I sent all these screenshots to husband and said "wtf" I hate you, etc. I didn't speak to him fora good few hours as I was so angry with him.
    However later that day when I wasn't near kids or anyone we spoke on the phone, and he confessed everything, I was torturing myself wanting more and more details, it's how I am I guess. And he told me it was 4 occasions. I do believe him as he could have said him and mates were just messing about the Friday night on the Internet and phoning this one girl, I could see the call had never connected. But he didn't try and lie, he seemed devastated and realised what he's done.
    I'm unsure how to deal with it still as my head is all over place going round in circles.he is willing to do anything I ask, we've made some changes regarding money, long hours at work, already whilst I'm trying to sort my head out.
    I just needed to share what had happened. Some friends are supportive that I may stay, others are incredulous and say they would kick him out, etc. But in many other ways he is a good husband and a great dad and I really do love him, and to not even try will hurt me as it will him. I do trust it was just these few times and not before, he didn't have to confess to this and he did, so why edit it, even once could have been end of it.
    I don't know if any of what I've written makes sense as I'm so all over place.
    He hasn't tried to blame me or our marriage, he said he loved his life and he loves me. I blame myself for not satisfying him enough/right way and he says it's not that and I did. It was just a stupid, selfish thing. I might be an idiot believing him but I do know him and can see the agony of what he has done on his face, he isn't a good liar. But surely it's worth trying to work through rather than throw a mostly good marriage away.

    ReplyDelete
  58. On Valentine's Day this year I was snooping on my husbands phone and found out that he had an affair. We had been fighting for several months and I had a gut feeling that something was going on. I asked him several times if he was cheating and I had told him many times we should probably end things. He never came clean and I had to find out on my own what was going on. When I found out I was not upset, I was relieved to finally confirm my suspicions. I remember I went downstairs and I told him, "Ok I know what's going on now, it's out now. Let's figure things out." He was confused as to why I was not reacting how he wanted me to and he was angry saying that his heart was with her and that he didn't love me. It hurt me to hear that. In the next few days we agreed to go to the church and seek advice from the father at church. He said we should give the relationship a try so that if we do decide to end things we will be at peace that we at least tried to fix things. The father also told my husband he should stop communicating with the the other woman.

    Just to backtrack the other woman was a woman from work. She knew he was married and she knew my brother worked with him and she had no shame. They did not hang out a lot outside of work but mostly talked or texted when I was at work. She had sent him several nude pictures that I had the misfortune of viewing and honestly I can say I am way hotter than she was.

    Anyways, my husband lied and said that he stopped communication with her which I found out several 6 weeks after the fact. He was still texting and calling her on a phone that he was hiding from me. When I found out he still had it, I disconnected it and destroyed the phone.

    I believe he is in a state of grieving her because she is now in another state. He no longer can call her because he has no phone nor does he want another one because he says he does not trust himself. He wants to drink but I put my foot down on that and he has no access to alcohol.

    Right now he is devastated that he doesn't have that phone or that relationship anymore and I am trying to give him space to gain clarity. I hope that in this he realizes what they had was not love. It was a fantasy which dealt with none of realities issues or responsibilities. Real love is what we had and what we can continue to have once he gets his head straight and opens his heart. We have two young children, have been married for 5 years and in the past few years we disconnected because life was moving so fast. I take that he had so many chances to leave and did not as he really knew where his heart was. He is not a bad person but I feel like he wants to convict himself but I would like him to try and redeem himself instead. Please give me hope ladies. Am I being dumb? Or should I fight for my marriage. Since the affair we have gone out and had "us" time and I really feel like we had great times but he is so up and down and I just want to know if you guys also experienced that.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hi Anon, so sorry for what you are going through. Hope things are going better some weeks out from your post. I don't think you are being dumb. Only you can decide what is right for you and if you want to stay or go? Don't lean in to his emotional ups and downs. Tose are about his guilt and shame and frankly the crazy addiction and "affair fog" that his brain is working through. Is he working to make amends? Are you and he going to counseling individually and together? Chances are he needs to do some work to figure out what is broken or missing in him that he sought out or was vulnerable to an affair. I'd be very selective in your therapists too. Many are great, but many more bring their own biases and judgements and are less effective. Trust your gut. Is he working to be more trustworthy? Look at patterns over time vs. daily ups and downs. Two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward. Good luck and stay true to yourself. If yu are looking for more support form other BWC members, comment on the newer posts where folks are mst active. Your post does not need to be about the topic per se, can just be a cry for "someone hear me!" You are doing great and kudos for smashing that phone and hiding the booze. Would love an update on how you are doing.

    ReplyDelete
  60. April 25th, 2016...a date of honesty...I hope. I had experienced 14 months of knowing something was wrong. I was begging him to come home at night. Our 8 and 12 year old started asking is dad coming home? I pushed and shoved and he drank.

    I was yelled at, ignored, pushed away via multiple ways, and honestly was jealous of the attention and affection he gave our daughter at times.

    I had asked what was going on - the answer was always "stress" we own businesses and I knew there was stress and I was trying to help every way I knew how.

    He never wanted to be around, was suddenly shopping more, cared about stuff he never cared about before...you know the drill.

    Finally on a vacation I walked in with him on the phone...he ran away(deleted his phone) and came back and we had a "heart to heart" which was actually a "my heart to a liar's heart" and I knew something was wrong.

    A month later I finally figured out how to "catch" him. Called him that morning and he finally admitted to a 14 mth affair. 8 months of Emotional cheating and texting and 7 months of a physical affair with the Hag from Hell. I don't know her but she lives about 2 miles from me. They met at a bar. She fed his EGO and was the encourager type. He didn't fight it and knew from the beginning he had shame...never put her number in his phone.

    He broke things off with her right away and she left us alone but that made more sense after I learned from a friend who had a mutual friend. This is the Hag from Hell's 4th affair in 5 years.

    We are in counseling but I feel so hopeless at times. She had "rules" and controlled him. Was that part of the attraction? Who knows?

    He's trying and says the glitter of the fantasy is completely gone. He hasn't told anyone about the affair except the doctor who gave him his STD test and the marriage counselor. He says the shame is horrible. I'm trying to ask questions without shaming but he says just looking at that year is full of shame.

    I'm in individual counseling as I came to realize that I need to know who I am now...I feel like besides being his wife and my kid's mom I'm lost.

    During his affair I had had a major knee surgery and this was during the pinnacle of his asshole-ness. I had gained a ton of weight and felt horrible about myself. Now due to the f'ing affair diet I've lost 30lbs in these 6 weeks. Running(which I hated in my last life) is one of the few things that gets me out of my head. Luckily my Physical Therapist cleared me for running about the same time this all happened.

    One of the Hag from Hell's rules was no sex with spouses - so I've had sex twice in the last year. Both times with in days of D-day. Now he says he feels too shamed to try. He wants to take time and is asking me to be patient.

    Marriage counseling and his individual counseling seem painfully slow to me. Is that normal?

    I put up some boundaries that help but God I hurt...He wants us to work but his emotions are so frozen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. neslon,
      Absolutely everything you're experiencing is "normal" under the circumstances. I'm so glad you're finding that running is giving you that space to get out of your head/pain. You need that routine reminder that it's possible to feel something other than agony.
      "Painfully slow" pretty much sums up healing from betrayal. It's agonizingly slow. Three to five years, is the standard time frame, according to marriage experts. There's progress in there, of course. And some heal faster than others.
      In the early weeks/months, where you are right now, it's often just a time of grieving. You might find it's too early to being rebuilding a marriage that you're not entirely sure you want. Honour your feelings. Give yourself that time to just grieve and wallow. Betrayal is a huge shock and there are so many conflicting emotions. Be gentle with yourself.
      You'll get there. There's a ton of support and wisdom and compassion on t his site. You're among friends who know exactly what you're going through.

      Delete
  61. So June 2 bd was 2 yrs since D-day. I'm still very conflicted. My triggers are not as bad now as they were but around this time I've been very agitated. I just don't understand it still. How and why? He says he regrets it and it's all his fault but I am having a hard time reconciling the man I thought I knew with this one. I'm still trying to wrap my head and heart around this. I just want to just run into her and beat her ass but logically I know that's not ok. Is no one loyal about anything anymore. Faith and trust. All of those things are gone. So damn devastating Feels like I just found out.

    I can't help but wish Karma on her so much. Why did this happen?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heather,
      Anti-versaries are very triggering so I'm not surprised you're having a tough time. Even when we think we've done a lot of healing (and two years seems like an eternity but most experts say it's three to five years for most couples to feel truly through the worst of it), we can still be blind-sided by triggers. Be gentle with yourself. Trust that this is a setback but not for long. Keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. And remind yourself that his betrayal isn't about you. It's about his own broken-ness, which he should be taking steps to heal himself and you should be seeing change in him.

      Delete
  62. Neslon here again we are 10 weeks past dday today. Everything is going okay or as okay as we can be in this situation. NC has stuck so far. He says once the fantasy bubble popped and he learned that she was a serial cheater that he felt disconnected from her. We are both in individual counseling. Marriage Counseling too to help us reconnect. I think that reconnection aspect worries me a lot. I felt connected to him until affair started. He says he disconnected from me earlier than affair unless that is how he justified and rewrote history?

    My WH seems to be working on his issues with therapist but he's very quiet about what they discuss. We are spending a lot more time together - mostly activities or my questions. He gets a little frustrated with the questions but mostly because he hates looking at what he did.

    The past 36-48 hours I feel like the hope is draining out of me and I don't know why. Any suggestions on what I can do? Is this normal? I'm so scared of the future right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Neslon,
      Normal, yes. Life becomes a roller coaster for a while. You can minimize the ups and downs by, as best as you can, trying not to focus too much on the future and trying to stay in the moment. It's the "what's next" that can trigger so much anxiety. The future is scary. But worrying about it changes nothing, it simply robs the now of any joy or peace.
      As for your husband's reluctance to talk about his therapy. I would urge you to not manage his therapy. I understand that it helps you manage your own anxiety around it. You're eager to see some sort of insight on his part. And it's a reasonable thing to want. But perhaps you can set aside 10 minutes every week or so to check in with him. Rather than him feeling on the spot, create a time when you talk about it, each of you knowing that there's a time limit so that it doesn't devolve into tears and recriminations.
      Do you have a therapist yourself to help you manage your anxiety around this? Healing from this is tough and the more support you have that can be objective and empathetic, the better.

      Delete
  63. I posted here before, last fall when I found out my husband was having a "virtual" affair. He swore he'd stopped it and would never contact her again. Two weeks ago the OW texted me saying how stupid I am not to realize he'd bought a burner phone to call and text her. I threw him out but he insisted he wants only me and it's really really over now. OK so he is living in his office nearby, coming to the house now and then to shower and pick up clean clothes. Last night we had our first marriage counseling session which I thought went pretty well. Then tonight, just as I'm about to doze off to sleep, the vile OW sends me a text saying hubby only agreed to marriage counseling until she and he can get their own place together; that he told her he finds me physically repulsive for many years and has had to force himself to occasionally have sex with me; that the thought of performing oral sex on me made him want to vomit. I blocked her number and forwarded the text to my husband, along with "I want a divorce." How could she know that we were seeing a marriage counselor unless he told her? The appt was just made on Tuesday and the appt was Wed evening. That means that when he told the counselor he hadn't communicated with the OW in "a while" he was lying. He has been lying this whole time. I have gone from poor broken-hearted wife to raging vengeful banshee in minutes. He has no idea the fury he has released. Can anyone recommend a very aggressive divorce lawyer in the metro Atlanta area?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TeeJay,
      While I can't recommend a lawyer, I can commiserate with your rage and your pain. Sounds like he brought this on himself. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. She sounds like utter poison.
      Keep us posted. And while anger can certainly propel us forward, it can also mask a lot of pain so I hope you'll make sure you also address that. You want to emerge from this without being hard and bitter, by keeping your heart soft enough that you can move forward into healing.
      Hang in there, TeeJay.

      Delete
  64. It's been awhile since I posted anything. Still struggling every day. I'm trying to get through this but I have many triggers. My stomach is in knots. We are on a trip to my sister in laws house and something he said is stuck in my head and of course I overthink it to the point I drive myself crazy. Ugh. Does this get easier?

    ReplyDelete
  65. Well we've been married 11 years next month.  We've had our issues like all married couples but I thought we were okay. He left me last October but he was only gone for 2 weeks, he had said that he wasn't happy and that was the only reason that he had given me, he couldn't even tell me why.  Of course now I know why. 3 weeks ago I left for work he kissed me and told me he loved me and then about 30 minutes after I was at work he sent me a text message to tell me that he had been having an affair for the past year with some girl that he knew from high school who is also married with two kids and she left her husband.   my son was 2 years old when we got married 2 years ago my dad died and my husband adopted my son but also we adopted a little girl that my dad had custody of. I don't know if he's going through some kind of early midlife crisis or if that's just me making excuses for him because I never would've imagined him ever hurting me like this. I'm lost and I don't know how to let him go.  I don't know if you wanted all of this but that's the short version of my story. I want to fix our marriage but he is resistant right now and still seeing her while staying at his Dad's.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Having a hard time. My husband and I have been together for 22yrs and married for 14yrs next month. He told me about the affair about 2mo ago. I forgave him and told him I want to save the marriage. He agreed to try but has continued with the affair. Though she lives on the other side of the country, she is a flight attendant and can fly here when she wants.

    He said he loves me but has feelings for her too. He has been struggling through a midlife crisis for the last few months and now says he loves me but doesn't want to be married. He said it has nothing to do with her. I'm devastated.

    I still want more than anything to save my marriage but I'm afraid it's too late. Unsure what to do at this point. I'm a bit of a mess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Buffy, Sorry you are going through this, i feel for you.. i am no expert but i believed my H had finished his affair but he carried it on well over a year, if i had know would have thrown him out, so when i discovered yet again he was in contact with her i packed his bags and when he came home from work i threw him out I would not accommodate him if he is carrying on with the OW still, he has to go until he makes his mind up what he wants. I made life very difficult for my H he had no where to live and had to travel miles to work it nearly killed him but i wasn't having him back until he stopped speaking to the OW. THEY ie(CHEATERS) will carry on if you keep looking after them washing their clothes cooking for them, and let them have a comfortable carry on, why not !! It was drastic measures for me, it was hard but i wasn't going to be a door mat anymore!!!! xxx

      Delete
    2. Buffy,
      He simply can't continue the affair and commit to his marriage. There's no room for a third person in your marriage. He could well be in what's called the "fog" - the fantasy of the affair. I don't doubt that he has feelings for her but affairs are a lot more exciting when they're illicit and don't have to deal with the real-life fallout.
      I think you have to believe him when he says he doesn't want to be married. At least believe him for now. Draw up a separation agreement and ensure that you are protected financially. Create a support team to help you through the pain of this. If you don't already have a therapist, please find a good one. Share your story with trusted friends and her or on other sites where you feel safe.
      Buffy, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. And I wouldn't be the least surprised if your husband changed his mind once his forbidden affair becomes available. But in the meantime, your loyalty needs to be to yourself. And please, remind yourself over and over and over that this is not about you. It is about him being broken.

      Delete
    3. Thank you, ladies!

      I'm still struggling but I'm in therapy and told him I'm letting him go. I need to work on me and be a better person. If he decides he wants to work on the marriage then, I'm in. If he doesn't, then at least I have a head start on recovering.

      Delete
  67. My husband was going through a hard time. He had a lot of debt and he was trying hard to get a franchise business. He was working very hard, six days a week and very long hours. I was not happy with the hours and I was getting depressed and upset about it. I wish I had paid more attention now.

    There was a big altercation with his boss. After that he started talking to other co- workers in the business. There was this one female co-worker who started asking us out as a couple. I suspected her the first time I had met her. She always had inappropriate comments to make, ie: about sex and always boasting about how many men were in love with her.

    Anyway, we went out a few times with her and a few others from his work and I did not like the touchy feely way she interacted with my husband. I told my husband of my suspicion but because he is a man with limited experience, he thought I was being silly.

    I noticed there were texts from her and I was upset about it, but I never saw the content. I told him I was ok with them discussing work, but nothing else.

    Fast forward a few months and a long holiday overseas…I catch him texting this woman just after we have had a romantic evening at a bar on our holiday. The content I saw was nothing to be excited about, but I knew.

    We come home….a couple of weeks later there is a crisis at work. He is no longer able to have his franchise in the same city we live in…we would need to move elsewhere. And then there was a death in the family.

    I was not happy to move for family reasons and he knew that. This is when she unleashed her superb manipulative talent. She had been waiting for this moment. She had waited for him to be at rock-bottom. If she “was his wife, she wouldn’t treat him like that.” I’m sure she did this in a way so that he would not suspect her motives. She just encouraged him to talk and picked up on subtle clues. And then planted her ideas in his mind.

    Nothing sexual happened between them (apparently). I want to believe that, but I will never be sure. For months after this he told me she was his ‘friend.’, trying to help him.” How silly are some men. She ‘cared about him.’ Seriously, what kind of friend finds you at rock bottom and then tries to ruin your marriage as well? Perhaps a real ‘friend’ might suggest talking to the wife about the issues he was unhappy about?







    ReplyDelete
  68. I am 3 months post Dday. I found my husband had been talking to a coworker by looking at the phone records. When I confronted him he said that they were just friends and that if it made me more comfortable he would text her and tell her that I was uncomfortable with them talking as much. Fast forward 2 weeks later and I found their conversation on FB messenger. It was lots of sexual joking about work and him calling her love and babe. I ended up packing my 2 year old and 6 month old up and going to stay with my mom. He came down and told me he would stop talking to her and that he would do anything to get his family back. That next night I had a gut feeling about something and I pulled up our video camera. Well I saw her leaving our house. I stayed at my moms for a week longer and came back home. I didn't know what I wanted to do... so I stayed in another room for about a month. He came clean about them talking and him getting over his head with her. She is one of those women that has a reputation of ruining marriages out at his work and he said he liked the attention she gave him. Well turns out karma had a little to play in this because when she came over he couldn't "get it up". Apparently she went around work and spread that around. i decided that I wanted to try to make us work, I love him and I come from a divorced home so I know what that is like as a kid. We're in couples counseling and I am in individual. I will admit that our marriage was put on the back burner and neglected completely. And I now have the opportunity to work on myself, which I have never done my whole life. I am horribly hard on myself and this has done some real damage to my already frail self confidence and worth. My H has been very open with all my questions and is an open book with his phone, email, etc. I did find that he searched for her on FB a couple weeks back. His reason was she messed around with another married man and his wife went off on her on her FB. After that blow up between the two of us he deactivated his FB completely. I go through moments where I do see a small light where our marriage could be stronger and better than before. But I also have many moments where I am so hurt. And I ruminate often. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But I am so grateful I stumbled upon this site. You ladies are an inspiration and have become my rock through this awful time.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Trying to get through this...
    I am 9 months post Dday with my husband of 21 yrs. He had an emotional affair that I think was only for 2-3 months with one of his employees. He is a GM at a restaurant and she was a server. To make matters worse, one of his assistant managers was the OW's husband! I still feel so broken and betrayed over this, even though they never had sex. There are things that trigger my emotions and when it happens, I feel as if I have no control and am totally consumed with it all over again. It's like being tortured!!
    To give some background, my husband is an alcoholic and for most of our marriage I have been an enabler. I have stayed with him, thinking it was better for our 3 children and because I didn't think I could make it on my own. I put up with the mostly verbal and occasional physical abuse all these years because I loved him and truly believed he was my soul mate. In March of 2014 he lost his mother (dad died when H was 24)and 3 weeks later lost his job of 20 yrs. It began a downward spiral of everyday drinking that I could not deal with anymore and finally in January 2016 I took my 12 yr daughter and regrettably left behind my 17 yr old (my oldest was already moved out). My H begged me to come home, said he was sorry and that me leaving really made him see he what his drinking was doing to us and that he was going to quit. I had heard this before but after 6wks of him not drinking (I told him if he didn't stop I was divorcing him) and some talking I reluctantly moved back home the middle of March. From what I can see on cell phone records(I could not get records any further back then March), the EA began about 2 weeks after that. I would have never even known about it if it wasn't for a family member that was at a Memorial Day picnic and was told by an ex-employee of my H that he was "being unfaithful to his wife". At first I blew it off because he had been fired by my H and was disgruntled, but I then I did some investigating and found the cellphone records. I thought "we" were doing so well...no drinking...we were flirty with each other and he was being the gentleman I married(opening my car door...sending me sweet texts...having date night). All the while he was texting her for HOURS!! My daughter was in an upcoming dance recital and with extra rehearsals, I was not home. This is when he was having long conversations with her. Twice he went up to our camp that is 2 hrs away and literally texted her back and forth for 12 hours! He never would tell me everything that was said in those texts and I was not able to retrieve them. When I confronted him about it, he lied right to my face until I pulled out the cell phone records showing 692 texts going back in just one month. Then he had no choice but to tell me and he said he was texting her about her husband(his assistant) and his drinking problem!! That's the pot calling the kettle black! I dont believe him, because why would you delete the texts if you have nothing to hide?? I asked him if he realized that what he was doing was wrong and he said yes, but he was trying to be a friend to her.

    ReplyDelete
  70. I decided to stay and work on our marriage because I do love him. We tried counseling and made it through 4 sessions before I decided that the therapist telling him how wonderful he was for quitting drinking without any help was so great and that I need to get past this but it would take me time! I was only 3 weeks post Dday and she wanted me to get past it and look forward! I didn't and still am not sure if I can get past it. My husband went to counseling because he knew if he didn't I was going to leave for good. Our marriage was in such a fragile state to begin with at the time, I just don't understand why it happened. How could he talk to another woman about us (he admitted) when he could have talked to me, the woman who took him back after 21 years of alcoholism and abuse and gave him 3 children? He has no answers for me and even in the 4 therapy sessions we had, very little was said. We have been working on our marriage since and have had some positives and he still isn't drinking, but I still don't trust him and the triggers are ALL still there. He gets angry when I tell him what I am feeling and then tells me this is why he doesn't talk to me because I get all crazy with my emotions. I feel as if I am never going to get through this with him. I still also want to know what his 12 hour long text conversations were with her, but I don't think he will ever tell me. Both the OW and her spouse quit(she told him thinking it would get my husband fired but it didn't work)so that helped but I still feel like there's something I don't know and its eating me up inside. Any advice??

    ReplyDelete
  71. I've recently started looking at blogs about affairs and how to 'heal'.
    Just over 7 months ago, I found out that my husband had an affair - with my best friend - for close to two years.
    I thought I was lucky; lucky that my husband of 15 years, the father or my two amazing children and my best friend, got along so well. Lucky that the 3 of us (her husband worked nights) could spend time together and that he didn't seem to mind her being around. Her son and my son were best friends and our children all went to school together. We'd met through school and quickly became close. We shared a strong friendship, seeing each other upward of 3 times a week. Together with some other couples from the school, we had a very 'tight' and active social group. The kids all got along and so did the parents; I thought I was lucky.
    Turns out I wasn't.
    The affair had started innocently enough - as they all do I suppose. Texting, talking about their lives. She wasn't happy, apparently neither was he! One thing lead to another and they started having sex. In the car mostly it seems, but also in hotel rooms, our backyard while the kids and I slept. She spent a few days at my house with him when I was away.
    During the time they had an affair, I had had my suspicions. I'd spoken to them both about my feelings, but was reassured nothing was happening. I was made to feel like a fool by him, and a 'bad' friend by her, for thinking anything was going on.
    I finally found out about the affair via her partner. He sent me an email, containing over 80 pages of messages between them. He'd hacked into her 'whatsapp' account and downloaded the messages that they'd sent each other. I found out she got pregnant to him.....
    I felt and continue to feel so betrayed by both of them. I lost two people on my D-Day and I've lost a shit load more since. People have taken sides and many of my 'friends' have opted out of our friendship because my moods, anger and sadness are just too much to take.
    I've made the decision, to try and stay with him, to try and work through what has happened. I've made that decision because I feel that there is still 'something' there, but I honestly don't know if that 'something' is enough. Most days I hate him. I hate what he's done to me, how broken I feel because of him and her. I don't know if this hatred will ever go away.
    I'm trying to take comfort and gain insight from the many women who've unfortunately gone through similar experiences to my own. I know it's a long journey back. Some days it feels like I'm on the right path and other days it feels like I'm completely lost - without a map or hope.

    ReplyDelete
  72. It's been awhile. I'm still so devastated by his affair. I can't keep the thoughts of him sleeping with her from my head. He still after almost 3 years won't tell me the entire truth. Says he didn't stop loving me ever. I said that's a lie. Because if you truly love someone you don't do what you did. I'm trying to heal but my heart is just broken. I have had nothing but bad things happen by men in my life and I trusted him above all others and he broke that. I am very sick again like I was then and all my fears are back and my insecurities. I feel so emotionally drained. I'm also comin into the stretch of the time of year of his affair. So tired. Cried today and he just gets angry when I say I'm feeling this way. Sorry I'm rambling

    ReplyDelete
  73. "My therapist says..", "marriage is hard..", "you, husband, are a crap weasel", "you think I abandoned you. My mother was dying an excruciating death and my father was in mid-stage Alzheimer's. was the only kid on hand to care for them.

    All of that is true. My therapist says a lot. I blow at putting our marriage first when I'm drowning in responsibilities. You are a crap weasel and I did abandon you for a time. I've spent 3 years like a circus clown riding a unicycle, playing "Walking on Sunshine" on a harmonica strapped to my face a la headgear, and juggling my parents' medications.

    Your contribution to this chaos was to begin an emotional affair with your employee. It would still be happening if I hadn't discovered it because of your not-so-artfully disguised outright lies, lies by omission, and secretive guarding of your phone, iPad, and hell, the two soup cans and string stretched from your metaphorical ear to hers.
    You needed to be adored. You needed it during the roughest moments of my life though and instead of TALKING to me, you went elsewhere. In a partnership that is marriage, when the 'better' was on deck, you were all in. You ran from the 'or worse' though because it reminded you of our own mortality, and the terrifying idea that you could actually constructively communicate your needs.

    Instead, you got your ego stroked by someone paid to find you funny and clever who has been rude to me from the first day I met her. She served up backhanded insults and slights and you saw and acknowledged them. You told me she was socially awkward and didn't mean to be a bitch. You said she was just disfunctional in that way. Looking back now, can you see that choosing her to be intimate with wasn't an accident? You two were like the only two members of a mutual admiration club where you could be ruthlessly funny and clever about the rest of us mere mortals you have the misfortune of interacting with in your lives. You both must have felt so superior to the rest of us. I'm sure you didn't notice how cruel and abjectly heinous your judgments were. You traveled for business with her constantly. Chose her company over mine repeatedly in our private time, and couldn't get through an evening, weekend, vacation, or holiday without her. She was between us all the time. You told her personal things about my private life. I didn't invite her into my business. You did.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Part 2
    It's been 7 months now and I know beyond doubt that you are sorry, embarrassed, and ashamed. I know you're trying. I know your relationship with her as it was is over. I know you didn't have sex with her. I know you see what she is more realistically now. I know you view her as a problem every morning when you walk into your office. I know you can't simply kick her out the front door without the threat of a lawsuit. I know you wish you could. I know you love me and I love you. I know you're going to therapy and so am I. We are digging in and digging out from under. However, we can't deny the damage and this is what the damage looks like. Shes still part of our landscape. She's still her, a person who feeds on attention, a kiss ass, a person with a diagnosed personality disorder. She likely isn't done causing problems and I don't mean between the two of us. She has proven that she can affect your professional reputation and your livelihood. Somewhere along the line this became amusement, entertainment, or something to fill her hours.

    These times when I am quiet, removed, screeching like a howler monkey, or plainly seething, I'm thinking about what you needed, what I needed, and how we turned away from each other. This is what the damage looks like. I know that conflict and avoiding it are up there on your list of emotional strategies to get through life, but you have to confront this one. We have to live with the fact that we have one old person left to care for, a person who is utterly dependent on me to be his advocate. I am dependent on you to help me. We have to live with the fact that her continued presence in our lives is damage, a repetitive injury. You tell me I am your world and you will never have sufficient command of the English language to describe how deeply sorry you are. I don't need a description. I need you all in even during dinner with the old people where they no longer have control of their minds and bodies and the natural inclination is to fear that happening to you. I solemnly promise that if it does, I'll be your fierce advocate.

    ReplyDelete
  75. So today is my 14 year anniversary but I'm not really into celebrating it as his affair occurred during this time 3 years ago. I found out after d-day that on our anniversary where we went to Bike week and concert. He was calling and texting her and lied the next day too to go be with her. So I don't feel like celebrating. I feel like crying and screaming st the world. I just don't know when this will ever stop hurting. I hate that I only know the truth of what I found out on my own. I know he loves me but I still don't feel I can trust this. It's horrible. I'm just so damn sad and still do hurt and angry. The knife in my back was hard to deal with but the knife in my heart from this is deeper than any wound I've had before. I miss the woman I thought I was. I feel like everything I believed in is gone and I'm still trying to find her again. I don't know where to find her even now 3 years later. I can't understand it and why this happened. Am I truly marked to have people hurt me over and over again? Am I too trusting?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I miss the woman I thought I was" - I can relate to that. I thought I was stronger, less needy, and that I would handle something like this better. On the flip side, perhaps it shows that I love him even more than I thought. If it was easy to walk away, that would be a sign on it's own...

      Delete
    2. Heather, the woman you were is gone. But that doesn't mean you've lost the good that's in you. It does mean you've likely lost some of the naivety. And give yourself a break for being heartbroken on a difficult anti-versary. You've had a lot of pain to process. That's to be expected. Let yourself grieve all the losses you've experienced, including that naive woman who trusted completely. But understand too that you are wiser and stronger than you realized. That you have come through this and will continue to.

      Delete
  76. So here is my story. Together with my husband for 18 years, married for 11 years, two kids (7 and 9). I found out in February of this year, that my husband had a short (5-6 month EA, 10 day PA) with a woman who was not only a friend and colleague of ours, but also a close family friend. She is married with 3 kids, and our families were close. The only reason that the affair ended was that they moved across the country. Her husband moved first, and the last 10 days (after he left) it got physical.
    During an emotional conversation about US, and his reaction to her moving (nextreme displays of emotion that did not align with them being merely friends...), I commented on the fact that it appeared that she really liked sex. He replied, "she sure does" - and in that moment, I knew. When asked, he said yes.
    I gave him a choice - her or our marriage - you can't have both. The choice was not an easy one, which still hurts. He believes that is still in love with her. But over the course of 24 hours, he chose our marriage. At that point, I told him that I didn't want anymore contact between the two of them. And if she called him, I wanted to know about it. He gave me access to his cell phone, email etc. I deleted every single scrap of evidence that she existed (all photos, emails, texts - you name it.) I blocked her from our linkedIn and Facebook accounts. I blocked him from her phone. I fantasized about revenge. I sent her angry texts & emails.
    The next week, he told me he was going to shorten a 5 day work trip he had planned. He admitted that it was timed to overlap with her flying in to visit her sister. One more slap in the face, but at least he told me, and I was comforted by that.
    Instead of going on his 5 day trip, he insisted that he needed 2 days during this same time. One day to attend a funeral, and the second for work. He insisted that he would not make contact during this time. I agreed. However, being paranoid, I linked his phone to my iPad without him knowing so that I could monitor his texts. Within an hour of arriving, I saw that she had texted him. Betrayed. Again. When I phoned to confront him, he insisted that he was just going to have breakfast with her at a restaurant - she had called him the day before and arranged it - he didn't want to tell me because he thought it would hurt. He felt it was innocent - they weren't lovers anymore - they had decided to be friends. Right.
    Fast forward a few months. We have both had individual and couples counseling. I am trying - so hard - to look forward, instead of looking back. To complicate matters, my son is really good friends with her son, and so they Skype now and then. To complicate matters even further, her husband (who knows), is now in email contact with my husband, and is apparently acting as though nothing happened. Meanwhile, I'm still insisting on NO CONTACT. Which basically turns me into the bad guy.
    I understand that my husband owns the affair - it was not my decision, or my fault. However, our marriage was not perfect, and we both own that. He says that had our marriage been stronger, he wouldn't have reached out to fill "the gaps." Which, to me, feels like a round about way of saying that this is my fault.
    I have days that are great, and I think - I can do this! Then something will set me off, and I fall into a depression for days. But I'm conflicted on so many fronts. a) I choose my reaction - why am I so week that I allow him to control how I feel?, b) if I continue to show my sadness and anger for too long, will he change his mind and decide it's not worth it?, followed by c) if he chooses her over me, fine. I don't need him anyways.
    Lastly, what concerns me about our future, is that during counseling, we determined that our goals are slightly different. Mine is that we have a strong marriage. His, is that our marriage is strong AND we rebuild the friendship we had with the other family again. I just don't know what to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gosh Christine. I am so frustrated for you. Insisting on no contact does NOT make you the bad guy -- it makes you the sane guy.

      No, you cannot all be friends! There are billions of people on this planet. Your H can make new friends. The type that he doesn't have sex with and that don't hurt you. It's not even like you are in a situation where you have to maintain social friendliness for appearance sake -- they've moved across the country. Perfect! The only thing better would be if they vanished off the face of the earth. I would even tell your sons no more Skype, and you don't owe them any explanation -- its typical that they likely would have different friends by middle school anyhow -- shutting that down will not hurt your sons.

      Your H and this other couple are delusional. To expect you to bear this "friendship" is absurd. I'm curious about what the counselor said when your H stated that rebuilding the friendship was a goal for the marriage. My counselor had to draw my H an actual physical picture on a piece of paper with a bunch of concentric circles and names -- these are the people that belong in your intimacy circle, these are the people that belong in your friendship circle, these are the people that belong in your professional circle, etc. There is no circle for the OW!!! Ever!!! At all!!! In any way!!! Good grief -- the things people have to be told.

      Gosh. Your post put me in a feisty mood! :) But really I just have a lot of sympathy for you. I've walked a bit in your shoes -- we all have. I wish I could give you a big hug of support. You are in a really unfair situation and have some tough decisions to make. Keep talking to your counselor. You'll get there.

      Delete
    2. Christine, you are so NOT the "bad guy" in this scenario. You are the only one with healthy boundaries. Are you sure that her husband knows the extent of the affair? It's absurd do me to think that the "friendship" could be rebuilt. For one thing, she certainly wasn't a "friend" to you, nor was your husband a "friend" to her husband.
      Stick to your guns (metaphorically of course). Refuse to back down. Keep very clear boundaries and make sure that you enforce them. He gets a text from her and doesn't tell you? That's a boundary violation so what happens? He moves to the guest room? You file separation papers?
      Ultimately, Christine, he's going to do what he's going to do. You can't control that. But you can control what you put up with. Do everything you can to stop accepting any sort of blame. What he did was an incredibly deep betrayal. Agreeing to breakfast (umm, sure) was an incredibly deep betrayal. You are giving him a second chance that he says he wants. In exchange, you are asking him to behave with honesty and decency and integrity. It's that simple. You're not interested in an open marriage. If he is, then there's the door. If he's not, then he needs to keep his end of the deal.

      Delete
    3. And yes -- everything Sal said!!!!!!

      Delete
  77. Hello,
    I am about a little over a year from D-day. My husband had an affair with the wife of a couple that we spent time with frequently. It lasted about 5 1/2 years. He said he always loved me and was with her to satisfy stroking his ego, something I didn't do enough or knew how to do well. He was drinking a lot and was putting his needs ahead of our family and everything.
    I feel so stupid for taking my marriage for granted and thinking he would never cheat on me. His sister's husband cheated on her and he saw how much it hurt her and hated her husband for that, but still did it to me.
    Since the affair came out, he has stopped drinking almost altogether, has repented, and has had no contact with the other woman. He is doing everything right to be a better man, but the damage is done. I am struggling to believe the words he says to me are true and that I am what he really wants. I have anxiety I have never had before. The other couple is separated and she is now living with her sister a street over from us. I am hoping to move, because our house has been shared by the OW and I need a fresh start. I know this takes time, but it is so hard to realize that all this has happened and will you get through it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown,
      Yes it is brutally hard to accept that this has happened and that you will get through it. But please know that you will.
      Your anxiety is perfectly normal, under the circumstances. Many of us experience post-trauma symptoms -- a sense that the world isn't safe, hyper-vigilance, a pervasive anxiety. Please find a therapist who can help you through this -- who can support you and guide you. I'm glad, too, that you've found us.
      I'm sorry for what you're going through. Your story isn't unlike so many here. A man who lost his way and almost lost everything in the process. It's your choice, of course, whether you stay with him or not. Give yourself time to really absorb what's happened. Focus on what you need to heal.

      Delete
  78. Hi

    I'm new here and glad I found you. We are approaching 2 years post D-Day and I'm still struggling. My husband (of almost 18 years married and 22 years together total) had an affair with a gal he worked with who is 19 years his junior. I found out via a phone call from an anonymous friend of the girl. The caller said the affair had been going on for 4 years. My husband says its more like 2 1/2 years - not that it helps me feel any better. He says it meant nothing - he only did it for the sex, excitement and attention she showered on him. He says they never went on dates or exchanged gifts over that time frame. I had interactions with her at work events as did my kids a couple of times. That piece makes me very angry with her and my husband.

    I immediately kicked him out of the house after telling him I knew. (After much begging I let him back home after almost 3 months). We entered therapy within a couple of weeks after I told him I knew - going to couples therapy every week and I entered individual counseling weekly as well. After about a year and a half we scaled back to every other week. Now I don't feel like we are getting anything out of therapy so we're taking a break (with the next session to be in June). I feel I have healed as far as I can go but I still cry during therapy and sometimes when I'm talking to him about it (or if I'm just by myself thinking about it). I just can't believe this man who calls me the Love of his Life, did this to me .. to us. How do I heal further?

    The only people who know are his dad, my mom and our therapist. I did tell one of my BFFs because a girl needs someone to vent to that isn't charging $100/hour but hubby doesn't know that. I know others know around his job. How could they keep this up for years without people finding out? I'm humiliated and ashamed. A part of me hates that it's a secret. I don't want people to know because of my shame but it feels like he is still getting away with something since others don't know.

    I used to be a strong, confident woman. I didn't care what others thought or said. I lived my own life. Now, I'm a hot mess - still - 2 years later. I love my husband but I hate what he did. My upbringing and beliefs tell me a man does not get to stay in his marriage if he cheats. This has been one of the biggest hurdles. I don't feel he deserves this marriage, me or our family. On the same note, I've lost my confidence and feel that if I'm not with him I'll be alone forever. I work from a home office and I'm not very social (something he changed in me over the years by keeping me home with the kids while he went out and enjoyed events with his friends).

    At least I can say that the triggers are finally at a place where they are barely there. Don't get me wrong, there are days a song can send me into a sobbing mess. Memories are defined as "before", "during" or "after" the affair. I hate that! I honestly don't think he'll ever cheat again but, two years of therapy and I'm still not sure I should stay with him. Does he deserve me? I'm a pretty great wife! He has always bragged about me to his friends and then telling me how they wished their wives were more like me. My head cannot handle the fact that we had/have marriage vows that are crushed and I'm not his last. I'm the asterisk next to "his last* ".

    I just wonder if I'll ever get back to "life".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      You are stuck. It's not uncommon to get to a place where you're just stuck. But I'm going to suggest a few things to you where, just maybe, you can inch forward. It's often times anger that keep us stuck and your questions about whether he "deserves" you and his marriage reveal that, on some level, you think he should be punished or have more negative consequences for his behaviour. A lot of us feel that way. It can drive us crazy that they seem to "get away" with what they did, while we're stuck with horrible memories, a sense of shame. Hardly seems fair, right?
      And yet...do you really think he isn't experiencing a certain amount of punishment for what he did? I know it was awful being me after my husband cheated. But I still would have preferred that to being him. Are you two able to really talk about this? Are you able to open your heart, even just a sliver, to the idea that this has been painful for him too? It's a lot to ask, I know. But I just don't know another way to rebuild a marriage without both partners being able to hear the others' pain, to extend a bit of compassion. What he did was horrible. And there isn't an excuse for such a betrayal. But that doesn't mean he didn't have reasons. Understanding that, especially for him to understand what he was thinking, makes it far less likely that he'll cheat again. And it makes it easier for you to understand why he did it -- that it was about the stories he was telling himself, NOT about you.
      I would also encourage you to really begin to focus on yourself. To get to know yourself again. To seek out people that make you feel good. To reconnect with interests you love. To take a class, to attend a workshop, to take up a hobby. Be gentle with yourself. Nurture yourself the way you would a good, convalescing friend.
      And be extending such compassion to yourself, you might find that you're able to see his suffering too. It's less about some picture-perfect idea of what a marriage "should" be and more about accepting what yours is. Nobody's marriage is perfect. Women whose husbands don't cheat still don't live perfect lives. And if your'e able to take this incredibly painful situation and rebuild a marriage that feels deeper and stronger for the storms it has weathered, then isn't that the whole point? Not to have bragging rights...but to know each other, with all our flaws, and love anyway?

      Delete
  79. Thank you Elle for the quick response. I know I'm stuck. I can feel it and my therapist tells me so. It's awful. I don't know how to get unstuck. I still think about them together and the million lies he told me during the 3-4 years the affair lasted. I turned a blind eye to everything because I trusted him wholeheartedly. Now I question everything. I'm not sure what he can/should do to help gain trust with us again. I know I can't live the rest of my life like this - I'm looking for the push to get out of this vice grip.

    I also know I'm still angry. I don't like living this way. I just dont feel like he has apologized enough. When is enough enough? I've asked him to keep up the apologies but he has pushed his thoughts/actions down deep and doesn't want to think about his actions or "her" or hear her name. He just wants to move forward. I don't think that's fair to me. I'm still struggling.

    I'm definitely not in a place where I would rather be him (in his shame) than me (in my heartache). There's no way he is/was hurting as much as I am. I've seen him cry a few tears and get angry at himself during therapy when he's in the hot seat but still feel it is nothing compared to how this has destroyed me. Maybe if he talked to me about his shame more?

    You mentioned if he understands what he was thinking it makes it far less likely he'll chat again.... but he doesn't want to remember and says he doesn't know why he did it except the sneaking around for sex was exciting. I want to know what stories he was telling himself to make it OK but he's not willing to think about it long enough to uncover those. Ideas for getting him to open up to me?

    ~Midwest & Miserable

    ReplyDelete
  80. Thanks for your words of support. I feel like I am on such a roller coaster. One day, I think that we are doing well, and the next, I think our marriage is over... Last week, I sent an email to the OW's husband politely asking him not to continue to contact my husband. He sent a note today, telling me NO. He valued the friendship he has with my husband and would continue to contact him until my husband told him not too. To make me feel any worse, when I checked my husbands email (something I haven't done in a couple of weeks), I saw that he had forwarded my request to my husband and asked him what he thought - and my husband had replied, in his own words "of course I want to be friends with you still!". Again - am I crazy??? Is it unreasonable to ask them not to talk to each other? I brought this up this afternoon, and my husband doesn't seem to understand why it's such a big deal that they talk. For me, it told him, I just see you, doing everything you can to maintain the connection with their family - which equates to maintaining a connection with HER. He already admitted last week that he still loves her (as well as me) - so I feel that the connection has to be broken - for our marriage!!! But he doesn't see it that way. He says he's already made sacrifices by cutting his ties with the OW (oh... poor guy.) Is it obsessive of me to want to cut this tie too? It's not like they're in love with each other. Again - I just worry that it's harder to forget the OW, when you're maintaining a relationship with her husband????

    I want our marriage to work - I do!!! My husband wants to "focus on us" and "focus on our future", instead of spending all this time focusing on cutting ties with the other family. But I don't see how you can do one without the other - for me, they're connected.

    To answer your question Elle, I'm not sure if her husband knows the extent of the affair, but regardless, I hoped that he had enough respect for me, as a (former) friend, to honour my request. I guess not. It's 3 against 1...

    Feeling hopeless...

    ReplyDelete
  81. I understand your situation in an entirely different way. My husband had an affair with his bosses daughter 10 years younger I might add. We knew their family and I had worked with her dad and Aunts.
    Even after d-day he continued to talk with her thinking they could still be friends etc. he still worked with her dad and her for 3 more months after he continued talking daily with her. I left a month after d-day. We continued to co-parent for months separated. We talked a little with a lot of explosive anger on both sides. Not my greatest moment, I might add but I deserved to be mad.
    Fast forward. We got back together after 5 months. Shortly after reconciliation, she contacted him. Which he hid until I asked if any contact had occurred. At first I flipped out. Then a book I was reading called not just friends helped me approach him and give him an opportunity to explain. After listening to him, I simply stated. If I had done this to you, how would you feel if I kept in contact with the man I screwed on you with even as we are trying to rebuild our marriage?

    He told me later that made him stop and think. However he kept in contact with her dad. And to me that was a trigger. It took him until last December almost 2.5 years later and another blow up for him to finally cut it off.

    I had to finally say it's him or me. I know it's hard to breathe and I explained I felt repeatedly disrespected and humiliated. You may have to make a tough decision and issue an ultimatum. And maybe ask if her husband truly knows of the extent because no man I know just brushes aside his wife sleeping with his friend.

    Maybe let him know, that you are hoping he understands but that you cannot heal and move forward as long as they continue to have contact.
    Oh when I found out about the affair I called said boss and told him straight up about it. Not saying it was right but I refused let anyone get away with. It may not have been healthy at the time but it happened.

    It's been al it's 3 years since I found out and still feels like yesterday. It does get easier but only when contact is severed completely. And if he can't understand that it's you or him. Then he may not truly be trying to fix it. I don't know. That's just what I did

    ReplyDelete
  82. Oh Christine, don't feel hopeless - feel empowered.

    YOU are RIGHT to ask for this 'friendship' to end completely. I bet the BH does not know the extent of it. Perhaps the COW would sever ties if you were to tell her that she better confess it all to her BH or you will.

    My H's one day PA was with his cousin's wife (COW). The cousin (BH) found out about it within days. The 3 of them decided it was best if I never found out so they all hid it from me as well as my MIL who my H confessed to later. The COW & her BH lived 2.5 hrs away from us and we were not close to them so we only saw them 0-2x a year at a holiday, wedding or funeral. Had I known and stayed in the marriage I would have insisted we NEVER be in the same room as them again. But we were - even that infrequently and they 3 of them acted like everything was 'normal' - the cousin hugged my H in front of me, the COW friended me on FB. Because I didn't know about the A they were able to stay in contact via work email and complain to each other about their horrible spouses for years. Her BH was clueless that they continued emailing and probably didn't have the fortitude to give her a boundary anyway. So, 4 years later when the BH finally left the COW she found out my H was in town alone visiting MIL and invited him for sex in the backseat of our car for a 2nd time (serendipitously CH got ED from feeling so guilty and H ended the A for good and never contacted COW again).

    So you stick to your boundaries - it is your H's responsibility to sever the ties with them, he is the one that made vows to you. You can not be 'friends' with a man who had an affair with your wife. That's messed up.

    ReplyDelete
  83. Hi,
    I hope everyone on here finds peace. My exH married his AP about 1 year after our divorce. If it were up to me I would have no contact but we share a 6 year old son.
    It's been a rough 3 years. It started where he wasn't coming home at night and telling me he was staying at hotels for $20. He started blaming me for things (for making him cut down our apple trees) and getting VERY angry at me (for turning down the radio). He had throughout our marriage say "you have to respect me!" We started seeing a marriage counselor. She sent him to his own coubselor and told me "he'd never get over his anger for me" and I needed to go where I had support. It got to the point where I lost so much weight and was so depressed my parents told me I needed to move home which was 3 hours away. I moved. At this time I had no idea he was cheating. Soon after I found an email of his looking for an apartment with his girlfriend. I exposed the affair. He filed for divorce.
    Custody has been an issue for our us. It's very hard since we live so far apart. He works shift work so when our son is up there for most of the summer or on weekends during school he is shuffled around and/or doesn't see his dad much. There is little stability up there.
    I tried addressing this by going to mediation again a few months ago. He wouldn't budge so our son pays for it. The lawyers let us try and talk it out alone in a room. My ex started out by demanding I admit "I wasn't happy in our marriage" and I "was half the reason our marriage didn't last." I thought we were to talk about our son. I told him I wasn't going to sit here and blame him for things then I walked out. What do others make of this behavior? Shame or guilt?
    My exH swears at me in emails and his new wife has "liked" posts or "friend requested" me on my social media accounts then immediately removed the "like" or the request so I know she's watching me. Before my son went to school he was going to preschool at my house and at my ex's house where my ex's new wife was put down as his "mom" on an activity poster for my son (I was his put as his mom, too, but underneath his new wife).
    I feel like I just watch our son live this life without predictability or stability. There's nothing I can do. My ex's family seem to just keep their mouth shut or back him even though I would beg for their help when this started. My ex's aunt told me he was cheating which caused a huge rift in their extended family. She has been supportive as well as his biological mother.
    How can my ex have no remorse? He thinks he did nothing wrong and tells me our marriage was over. His new wife's exH cheated on her. Doesn't she see what's going on? She is over 10 years younger than my ex.
    I wish this would get better. Thank you for listening!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honey, it's time to let go of worrying whether he's remorseful or guilt-filled, whether his new wife is watching you or not, and all the other insanity of his life. I know it's easier said than done, but your own life would be so much better if you could learn to pay as little attention as possible to their carrying on. Your only relationship to your ex is as the father of your son. I would urge you to have nothing to do with anyone and to refuse to discuss anything with him other than his role as your son's father. What happened in your marriage is of no relevance at this point. If there's still pain around what happened (and I wouldn't be surprised if there is), I would encourage you to work that out with a therapist who can also help you learn to set boundaries around any involvement with your ex as it pertains to your son.
      I'm sorry life for your son is so chaotic with your ex. That's a really sad part of divorce -- that you just can't control that part of your son's life. But what you can do is ensure that his time with you feels stable and safe. You can honour his feelings around his time with his father without undermining your ex's role in your son's life. It's completely unfair that you have to do this but taking the high road will serve your son (and ultimately you) well in the long term.
      These people are toxic to you. The sooner you ignore the craziness, the better.

      Delete
    2. How am I undermining my ex's role? I'm not sure how I should take that comment. I let my son see his dad and don't interfere. I am trying to let go. That's why I came to this site...to talk about it. Just " stop worrying" is not helpful or comforting. I get better and stronger everyday. I'm doing my best by reaching out to other women and sites like this. I do go to a counselor. It takes time. Wow. I think there is a huge difference if you have actually been LEFT for the other person verses if you are actually SAVING your marriage. Wow. Shaking my head.

      Delete
    3. I'm sorry -- I didn't phrase that well. I wasn't suggesting that you, in any way, are undermining your ex's role. Just pointing out that, if your child shares with you his angst around what happens at your ex's home (ie. anxiety, lack of stability, etc.), you can listen and honour your child's feelings and that's not the same as undermining your ex. If your child is struggling with the lack of stability, you can help him with that.
      I'm sorry if you took my comment as criticism. That's certainly not how it was intended. I'm glad you've got the support of a therapist. And I'm glad you reached out on this site. It takes gut to share our pain.
      And it really takes strength to get through betrayal no matter whether we're trying to rebuild our marriage or dealing with divorce.
      Again, I'm sorry if what I said caused you pain. My intention, of course, was to encourage you to control what you can and continue to work to let go of what you can't control. In my experience, it's the only way through this pain.

      Delete
  84. Hello everyone. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with our second daughter. I found out a few days ago my husband had a internet affair with a woman from the UK. He kept it from me for a year before I snooped through his phone the other night. I didn't plan to snoop but I had a feeling. I am not sure why I had this feeling but I did. He was angry for two days. He tried to talk to me the first night I found out and I couldn't listen to him. I've been so depressed it's unreal. We have a 3 year old I'm trying to keep it together for. We are also going to marriage counseling next week. He had tried to get out of it saying he learned his lesson. He said it lasted a month and he stopped because he felt bad for doing it. It just hurts. They sent pictures to each other and one message he even made fun of me to her. He completely lost my respect but saying that. He has also lied to me for a year. We were trying to get pregnant at that time or we were about to as well so I never thought we were having problems. I know we did for a little bit and I kept threatening divorce over everything but that didn't give him a right to talk to another woman the way he did. I just don't know how to get past this and what I'm supposed to feel or do from here on out. We have had an awesome relationship this last year. We have barely had any arguments and I want to give this baby a chance at a family but I don't know how to rebuild trust with him. I always told people he would never cheat on me and he did.

    ReplyDelete
  85. 7 months ago I found out my husband had a 2.5 yr affair with a female patient at work (he's in the medical field). He didn't come to me on his own, I started demanding answers when he acted suspiciously with his cell phone one night. I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child at the time- our oldest had just turned 2. My world completely shattered. I never kicked him out, for the sake of our 2 yr old. After all, our son didn't ask for this, for his family to be ripped apart. We've been in both couples and individual counseling since the bombshell. It has helped and provided reasons he went down this path (unmet physical needs at home, low self esteem since I've been the breadwinner throughout our 13 year marriage and he's hit roadblock after roadblock in his career plans, weak communication skills on his part, his low grade depression, flattery of being aggressively pursued). He says the affair was just for the sex and provided an outlet for him while he was stuck in his career rut. He says he had no emotional connection to the OW and has always loved me. Did I mention he also impregnated her but supposedly it ended in a miscarriage? I still hurt, daily, throughout the day. We are living together and try our best to be the best parents we can be. He's doing everything he can to patch things up. I struggle with reciprocating, because I'm still so broken. What keeps playing over again in my mind is that you don't do this to people you love! You just don't! This was NOT supposed to happen! He was quite literally the very last guy many of our family and friends ever thought would do this. We're highly religious -both born and raised- infidelity is taboo! I would give anything to go back before all this. The fact that I can't pains me so deeply. He's cut off all contact with OW, even though she still comes around every now and then (an email, a text, a visit to the office). How can I ever move past this? Can I ever be happy with him again? I want the massive weight lifted off my shoulders!

    ReplyDelete
  86. Hi Anonymous July 23,

    Our stories are similar. 8 mos ago I found out my H had a 4 year A with a family member (H ended it 7 years ago and I never knew until last year. Like you the A started when I was pregnant with our 2nd child. Like your H my H had undiagnosed depression and low EQ. I am getting stronger about myself, but I am still very wishy-washy about our marriage despite all the positive things my H has done. Look into the Retrovialle program, a retreat may be very helpful for our healing. I am also struggling with the questions you list at the end of your post. I don't have the answers to those, but I am glad to have wonderful women on here to figure it out alongside.

    If you want to give yourself a nickname to post on here you go to the Comment as: and on the dropdown choose Name/URL, write in your nickname and leave the URL blank.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgot to ask, if your H is a licensed professional isn't he worried because he could loose his license for an ethics breach having sex with a patient? These men put so much more at risk that their marriage. Mine jeopardized his entire family and now I have cut them out of our lives. Other H's jeopardize their jobs by having sex with coworkers. Health care professionals can loose their entire career, not just a job. All that pain and loss for stupid selfish sex. Yep, they definitely need IC!

      Delete
    2. Yes, yes and yes. It's so sad, pathetic and completely stupid on their part.

      Delete
    3. Yes he claims he knows he can very well lose his license. Sad sad sad. Stupid stupid stupid. Our stories are similar, browneyedgirl. I was just informed of the book, His Needs,Her Needs. It's supposed to be excellent. Maybe that can help us?

      Delete
  87. I just found out my husband, who has been emotionally, mentally, and often physically (taking jobs out of town) absent is taking a job out of town over the holidays for the second time to be with his mistress. We have three little girls. We have been in a holding pattern for 2 years, but he has always maintained he wants this to work out and doesn't want to divorce, but nothing has changed.

    There have been women every step of the way, about whom I have had huge suspicions, but he has always been so careful and evades and turns around the conversation when I try to talk to him about it. If I had a nickel for all the times I've been told I have trust and jealousy issues, while he just evades his way out of the heat.

    I am a working professional, but our work lives are deeply intertwined. Small town. I just found out enough about this other woman to know what he's up to, but I feel I need more, and I know I won't get any truth from him. Feeling stuck. And desperate for details.

    I don't know how to release myself from the need to get more details in order to leap, and I also know the end is imminent. I am sick with grief. How do you do it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, I'm sorry for that horrible place you're in. I don't doubt that you know, on some level, exactly what's going on. I think sometimes we know before we know, if you know what I mean.
      I'm curious why he's the one determining how this proceeds going forward. Is he taking this job out of town over your objections? Do you two make decisions as a couple or does he decide for both of you? It sounds as if he's a classic cake-eater -- doesn't want to disrupt his home life but also doesn't want to give up the twinkie out of town.
      You have more power than you're giving yourself credit for.
      If I were you, I'd sit down with a lawyer and figure out what your options are.
      And, assuming your comfortable with them, I'd then give my husband an ultimatum. Either he commits to improving the marriage, which includes no more out of town work and also includes total honesty, or you separate.
      He might get his head out of his ass and realize what he's about to lose or he might not. Either way, I think you win. There's no pleasure in being in a marriage alone.

      Delete
  88. Pregnant and abandoned,

    June 9th two days before my husbands birthday he's sad up on the side of the bed and told me he needed to tell me something. He told me he had been having an eight month long affair. I was currently 6 1/2 months pregnant with our first child. He said he didn't love her and he doesn't love me either and he wanted to divorce. He said he never wanted the child but he got me pregnant to make me happy. We have been together 11 years married for six. He told me when we got married he didn't even know if you really wanted to be married to me. He said he's been unhappy for a long time and when an old ex-girlfriend reached out to him over Instagram he took it as a distraction. They didn't have sex together until after he found out I was pregnant, it was just an emotional affair and sexting up until that point. She knew we was married she knew I was pregnant. They live five hours apart and bought hotel rooms midway. They would meet up when I was at work or at a town where he would call out sick to work and since he was a firefighter and work 24 hour shifts I had no idea. He answered every question I asked and told me every grotesque detail. He said they had sex without condoms and he would finish inside of her. He was still having sex with me pregnant once a month. He still wrote me a love letters. He told me he love me every day. But was acting distant and said it was because he was nervous about being a dad. I had no idea, I was completely blindsided and completely heartbroken. I told him I would do anything to make us work and he looked me in the eye and said he doesn't love me anymore he'll never love me and he wants a divorce.

    ReplyDelete
  89. Part 2

    He refuses to go to counseling and moved out. I don't understand how this could happen, I loved him so much. We have a beautiful home we both make great money I'm beautiful in shape smart funny intelligent. He's tall handsome funny but quiet. He told me he's resented me for years because he would try to make me happy and I never seemed to appreciate it. He said he felt disrespected but me, like his opinion didn't matter. I'm so confused? I always asked his opinion and I had no idea he felt disrespected. The only time he told me he felt disrespected was when I constantly made us late when getting ready- for him! I owned up to being late and asked him to tell me an earlier time to leave because I had trouble with time management. He refused saying if I cared then I would be ready on time no matter what. He was right, I should've fixed that problem on my own instead of asking him to help accommodate me. I didn't think it was something he resented me for and would end up adding to the list of why he doesn't love me anymore? I didn't deserve to be cheated on. I was always faithful, open, and honest with him. He said he felt like I would run him over in arguments and I agree I would try and get my way, but he wouldn't stand up for himself either? I would ask him more questions and he wouldn't answer or he would answer once and be done. We hardly ever argued, but I realize now it's because he stopped caring. He said he felt like I was controlling. I told him I always asked his opinion and he said I wouldn't listen anyways so he just didn't care to give it to me. I never knew he was unhappy or felt any of this. I called him everyday on my lunch break, asked him how his days was, we traveled together, went out to eat, movies, laughed together, enjoyed our sex life together. I had no idea anything was wrong. Now I'm 9.5months pregnant. We haven't spoke in over a month and the last he said was that he wants to be a part of the babies life but not in a relationship with me. I'm devastated.

    ReplyDelete
  90. Part 3

    I begged him to come back. I did very sexual thing to him I could think of. I gave him space, I tried everything and he still says his mind is made up. I've only gained 15lbs my entire pregnancy and I was very fit before I got pregnant. I keep looking in the mirror wondering what I did wrong? Why he wouldn't tell me he was unhappy? Why wouldn't he want his beautiful wife and baby as a family? I'm getting therapy, i missed a month of work and still struggle everyday to even get out of bed. I contimplate suicide every day but I will not kill my baby. I feel detached from my pregnancy and can't understand how the love of my life could just leave me without looking back. I told him all of my secrets, every insecurity, he knew. My father cheated on my mother and I had never forgiven him. He knew that was the worst thing he could do. My mother is bipolar and I was always terrified of losing my mind, he knew and he knows I'm incredibly depressed and still he's gone. He knew my baby gets fear was losing him and he promised me he would never leave and he did. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. I don't understand how he can walk away from his first true love. We've been together since I was 20 years old, im 31 now and facing being a single mom. I have severe PTSD. I see a fire truck or anything that reminds me of him and I lose it. I'm not a mean person. He says he still likes me but just wants to be friends. He said he cut things off with her, he knew their relationship wasn't anything that could go on forever. She has two kids and isn't as beautiful or successful as me. I don't understand why he would stop loving me and abandon me pregnant. I can't get over this and I can barely feed myself or get out of bed. I'm on antidepressants and I did intensive outpatient mental health program and I still want to die. Is there nothing I can do to change his mind? I don't understand why he won't even try! Once the baby is here I'm going to kill myself. I can never love again, I have everything I had, loved with every inch of my heart and trusted him completely and he destroyed me without warning. I can't face seeing him everyday with our baby. I can't take care of myself or this baby so there is no way out. I don't want to live like this. Everything I've read says it takes years to get over and most never get over it. I can't continue to suffer. I have many friends and family member that support me and have reached out and I don't want to hurt them but I'm emotionally taxing them all out. I'm better off dead. I won't be a good mother and I can't be a good friend. I never believed in God and I tried talking to him too and he didn't answer me. I'm alone in this torture. I didn't deserve this, I gave everything I knew how to give. I can't deal with the rejection and the heartbreak. I've never been depressed before but I have hit rock bottom and I can't get up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, I'm so sorry I didn't see this post until now. Please let me know you're still here on this site. And please please find yourself a professional to help you through this.
      You did NOTHING to deserve this. He's using minor things (that, honestly, every single married person will tell you there are little things about their partner that drive them a little nuts) to make excuses for the fact that he cheated. He made you pregnant to make you happy? Seriously?? He didn't stop and think that this was kinda a big deal?? You're right that he needs professional help too but you can't make him go. You can get help for yourself.
      I want you to take care of yourself because you're about to be (maybe already are??) a mother and you'll have an innocent, beautiful little baby that needs his/her mother. Please value yourself. Losing this guy just might be the best thing.
      I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But nobody deserves to be treated like you're being treated. And certainly not when you're pregnant. Maybe your husband has cold feet (VERY cold feet!). But who knows.
      Control what you can -- which is you. Get yourself help and the support you need to be a mom. And please let us know you're okay.

      Delete
  91. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We were both married before and have children from our previous marriages and one together. A few years ago, my husband asked me to try more "adventurous" things in the bedroom. He said that he was afraid that we were falling into a rut... In order to keep him happy, I agreed to try. He started buying me outfits (not classy lingerie, but trashy outfits) and every time i turned around he had purchased more "toys". Our "date nights" were all nighters.... full of drinking and crazy stuff.
    I tried this for about a year... but i hated every minute of it. I was so afraid of losing him...
    Finally, I was so exhausted that I just quit. I couldn't do it anymore. I work full time and i am still raising children and I am 45+ years old!!! He wasn't tired... ever... because he had recently started taking adderall. He didn't need it for anything, he just used it for energy. He would literally go days without sleep.
    Needless to say, he wasn't happy about it when I told him that this kind of "date night" had to stop. I told him that i tried it for him, but it just wasn't for me.
    Well, his way of dealing with it was turning to porn. That hurt me so much. When i tried to talk to him about it, he would place the blame on me by saying things like, "well if you would do it, i wouldn't have to look at porn". Or his favorite thing to say is, "Everything that I do, we started together, but then you quit on me!"
    We went to counseling and he promised to stop. That was about 6 months ago. Recently, I have noticed that he is on his phone all the time and he is careful to turn it away from me whenever i am around. I finally asked him about it this weekend. Of course, he denied that he was doing anything wrong. I specifically asked him if he was looking at porn and he said no. So i asked him to see his phone. He refused and that was all i needed to confirm my suspicions. Yesterday, he left the house to go to the store and i looked at his ipad. Not only has he been looking at porn, but he has actually created a profile on a hookup website. What he wrote crushed me beyond words. It is absolutely sickening. He calls himself a DOM and says he is searching for "slaves". He lists all the sickening things that he is into and then he even says that he is happily married, but that his wife is going through her life change and has lost her sex drive. He has sent and received messages from women in OUR AREA.
    I immediately called him out on it. He says that he is sorry and he is promising that he will do anything I ask to make it better. He doesn't see what he did as cheating, but it has devastated me.
    We have 4 grandchildren and one teenager still at home. I can't imagine starting my life over at 48 years old, but i can't stand to look at him. The sight of him makes me sick at my stomach.
    Over the past few days, he has admitted that he is addicted to the adderall. He has read me numerous articles about the things that this kind of substance can cause when abused... personality change, anger, etc. He is definitely a textbook case of an amphetamine addict... He has already called our counselor numerous times trying to get an appointment...
    I have no idea what to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hopeless, first you find yourself an IC - your own healing is more important than anything else. Your H probably needs to join an addiction support group or go to a psychiatrist for his own healing. Yes porn can be an addiction too not just amphetamines. My H was addicted to pot (pop culture would have us believe that never happens but it does) and porn. BH has to give you all his passwords and access to all his devices whenever you want. There's lots more after that and good advice you will find on here. Certainly this is not all - but it's where to get started. It breaks my heart each time we get a new BW on here but I'm so glad you found this site for you will find compassionate support and good advice.

      Delete
    2. Hopeless,
      I agree with browneyedgirl. Your husband is struggling with multiple addictions but you cannot control him. You can, however, control you and you need to learn how to disentangle yourself from his problems and set clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate within your marriage.
      Please find yourself a counsellor. You are not alone in your pain. There are so many women on this site who have felt your pain and can light the way forward.

      Delete
  92. I've never tried to reach out like this before, so I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for. I'm just so hurt, lost, and feel completely alone. We aren't married, but have been together 3.5 years, have a beautiful 5 month old daughter, and two puppies together. I've never loved and trusted someone so completely. A few weeks ago, I received a message from a girl who worked for him but was let go because she was a temp and was no longer needed. She said she had been talking to my boyfriend and ended up having sex. He denied it all and I believed him...well mostly because I kept having a nagging feeling in my gut. I discovered that he went to a birthday party for a girl and never told me about it. After some digging I discovered he was sending pictures and messages with her. I confronted him and he tried to deny it again but I had too much evidence. I have also found messages to escorts, but have no evidence that he met up with them. He will admit things to me only when I find evidence and confront him but he completely broke down during the last confrontation and I was terrified for his well-being. I've lost a boyfriend to suicide and this situation was scarily similar. I want and need him to be ok, not only for our daughter but because I do care about and love him. He is really trying to fix things and made us a counseling appt that's a couple days away. He sends me frequent pictures of clocks and his surroundings because he works nights. He gave me access to everything and ended things with both girls that I know of. I know he loves me so much... but I'm just so confused. It has me questioning everything. Can 2 people really stay together happily? Is monagomy an outdated concept? Can you ever really know and trust anyone? I want to try to fix things and he's determined that we can... but I feel so stupid for sticking around. I find it hard to stay mad when he's around. He's my best friend and the one who always makes me feel better... even now when he's the one that hurt me. The friends I have told just say to leave. I would rather rebuild something with him than something new with a total stranger that could do the same thing or worse. I want to be with someone that I can trust with my daughter. I have so many emotions and no time to process them. I need him to disclose everything but he says he's trying and needs to talk to a counselor himself. I'm driving myself crazy imagining every scenario and questioning everything. I'm sorry, I know I'm all over the place right now... I'm trying so hard to keep myself together when I just want to let it all out.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails