Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Why Your Thoughts Are Lies

If you're anything like me (and since you're reading this blog, I suspect you are), you've spent hours (days, weeks, etc.) of your life trying to make sense of heartbreak. From the first boy who broke your heart to the last,  you've likely hashed over every spat, shared intimate details with girlfriends, written pages of diary entries, moaned, wailed, gnashed your teeth...
And my guess is that most of what you thought, said, wrote and wailed was a bunch of crap.
Why do I guess that? Because our thoughts lie to us.
They say things like: He cheated because you've gained weight. They tell us he cheated because we nag. They suggest he cheated because she was prettier. Richer. Smarter.
Or they tell us he cheated because she's sexier.
Or, the stake in our heart, he cheated because we're unlovable.
And then, those thoughts insist, the best years of my life are over. I will never be happy again.
Utter and total crap.
And yet, how much time do we spend with these thoughts? We let them into our heads and, if we don't shoo them away, they snake their way into our souls where they slowly poison us with their lies until we don't even recognize ourselves anymore.
Consider this: You don't have to believe these thoughts. In fact, I'm strongly recommending you don't. I'm recommending that you kick these thoughts to the curb and ask yourself a simple question if even one of these thoughts tries to ring your doorbell and convince you to let it in: Do I know this to be true?
Of course you don't. None of us ever knows why another person does anything. Most of the time, particularly with cheaters, they don't even know. It takes heaps of therapy and baring of the soul to get to the bottom of such dishonesty and devastating behaviour.
What you do know, and what you can trust is that, if you're reading this right now, you're okay. You're alive. Good. You're functional, even marginally. Good. And you are okay.
And that's all you need to know right now. All the rest – why, how, what for? – can wait for another day. Or forever.
Right now, just be okay for this moment. then the next. And the next... Until okay becomes good and good becomes better and you realize that all that drama – all that self-torture – was your lying thoughts.


  1. Desperatly DestroyedJanuary 28, 2016 at 3:48 AM

    It has been almost 2 months since my D-Day and I am still hoping and praying to feel “just okay”. I am alive and breathing still at this point, but all other aspects of my life are falling apart, marginally functional isn’t even close. I cannot seem to get my head straight and every area of my life is feeling the effects. I have lost patience with my children, my job is suffering, to the point of making mistakes that could get me terminated. I cannot go on being “just okay”!!! I know this post is about listening to the “lying thoughts”, but how do you move on from it? When the pain is the only “real” thing in your life, does one not just want to wallow in it, like a pig in mud?

    “And yet, how much time do we spend with these thoughts? We let them into our heads and, if we don't shoo them away, they snake their way into our souls where they slowly poison us with their lies until we don't even recognize ourselves anymore.” I do not recognize myself any longer!! The fact that I am still at home and have not left, is a testament to the unrecognizable person that I have become. I am ashamed of myself and who I have become. I no longer feel like the strong woman who once intimidated men due to my independence and strong will. How I feel now doesn't feel very strong or independent, I feel like a shell of the person I once was.

    I know that I should be able to start moving forward in my healing but part is to blame on the trickle truth. I know my husband loves me and is truly sorry for what he has done and feels he is sparing me the pain. I know that the little time we have had together that we did get to actually talk, did make me feel better. The problem is finding the time between crazy work schedules, for both of us, and children with endless activities. It is hard to find the time to have these open and honest conversations and I am left with the lies in my head. I have managed to compile a list of questions that I did give to my husband and told him that when he finds time, to fill the answers in. Problem with that is he worked 16 hours one day and 12 hour days the rest of the week. Time is the biggest commodity that I do not have enough of.

    I just read one RIDICULOUS book about affairs, I will not mention names or titles and there were a couple of good takeaways, but the writer seems to live in a fantasy world and it did nothing but make me more angry. The writer gave a detailed account of her experience with her affair and made it sound like anybody could get over an affair. In reality, where most of us live, her experience is not the norm, it is the exception. How many ladies and gents out there can say that their life could afford for them to take an 8 month hiatus, shopping and tanning, while they try to sort themselves and their marriage out?

    Sorry for my long rant but I just need to get it out some how.

    1. Desperately Destroyed,
      You are being so incredibly hard on yourself. You have been devastated. That's what betrayal does. It brings us to our knees. Two months might seem like an eternity but it's just the beginning. So please, be gentle with yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have nothing to feel bad about. You are doing your best under really horrible circumstances.
      Your husband owes you the truth. Yes, he had a tough work schedule but my guess is he can find five or ten minutes each day, while he's eating a sandwich at lunch or whatever, to begin to answer your questions. He needs to engage you in this way in order for your healing to begin. You need to be able to talk with him about this. You need to be able to trust his commitment to moving past this.
      You also need your own support. I would urge you to find a counsellor who can help you process all this pain. Is there someone through your work (some companies provide confidential short-term counselling). If not, there's an infidelity counselling network that offers free peer counselling. You'll find the link on the right-hand side of this Web site. Click on it and call. The women are wonderful and they know exactly what you're going through.
      DD, you will get through this. But it takes a lot of time. And it takes a willingness to just let yourself feel the pain, trusting that it will subside.
      And please, continue to post here. The BWC warriors on this site are fiercely compassionate and kind and supportive. You'll be amazed at the wisdom you'll get here.



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