We think so much of our happiness hinges on others telling us the truth. We betrayed wives likely spent countless days and, in some cases, countless dollars trying to get to the truth. Is he having an affair? With whom? Where has he taken her? What have they done? And on and on. And while there's wisdom in the adage that the truth will set us free, it's not his truth that's being talked about...but yours.
It's an understanding that makes all the "he said, she said" become background noise. It's about living your own truth. And when you're doing that, you're more likely to walk away from anyone who isn't respecting your truth. Not easily. Or painlessly. But surely. Because there can be no other way.
I recently came across this on a newsletter I get via e-mail. Ronna Detrick offers up her "RENEGADE Conversations...about faith, feminism, and telling the truth." It's always inspiring, frequently thought-provoking and often challenging. And here's what she included this week:
My favorite conversations are ones in which I know deep and vulnerable truths are being spoken - mine and others'. When that occurs, relationship forms, strengthens, and becomes a glue that bonds in ways unexplainable, undefinable, and often undeserved. It's beautiful. It changes everything. I'm grateful.
Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe. Barbara De Angelis
Anytime I am looking to somebody else as my source, I'm coming from scarcity. I am no longer trusting God, or the Universe, for my harvest. It's reasonable for me to have expectations based on what somebody I trust has committed to. And it's natural for me to feel disappointed when that somebody doesn't come through. But when I feel more than disappointment, when I also feel anger, it's because I deviated from my truth. It's because I compromised my truth to get what somebody else promised. Because when I'm really following my truth, I will be at peace with the consequences - whatever they are. I can accept somebody else's truth, but I must live my own truth. And sometimes that means walking away from a relationship. Jan Denise
The TRUTH: It may not lead you to where you thought you were going, but it will always lead you somewhere better. When ignored, it will eventually show itself. The closeness of your relationships is directly proportional to the degree to which you have revealed the truth about yourself. Unknown
Consider these notions next time you're desperately seeking the truth outside of yourself. Are you "compromising your truth to get what somebody else promised," as Jan Denise suggests? I know I have, far too many times to count. But now I'm learning that I held the truth within me all along. Maybe not the facts...but the truth. And it's most certainly not the same thing.
How about you? How has betrayal altered your convictions about truth and truth-telling? Share your stories here...
This is such a tension, isn't it? Needing to hold on to our own truth in places of deception, pain, and/or harm. I'm with you: these quotes pull forth levels of internal truth...about truth...that keep my heart aligned, my head on straight, and my world (at least for moments at a time) from tipping off its axis.
ReplyDeleteSuch good stuff you're writing and offering here. I'm grateful to be in the mix.
BAD BOY BEHAVIOUR: "Just wait until such and such is over (and I don't mean someone else, I am refering to other life/work/family commitments), I'll have the time to spend time on your needs then, right now I'm busy with...."
ReplyDeleteWhen he hasn't backed anything he says with a commitment to proving himself, it's fools gold, but the rush is a crushing decent into the abyss. The black hole that describes the place where your dreams are subjugated and left untreasured, a dizzying inescapable trap of waiting for the unknown, yet the fear of knowing what is known is already too evident of smoke and mirrors that will eventually end up in a cloak of daggers and the seed of the relationship's tragic demise is revealed and drives you insane when the final act plays a horrifying drama that is your real life.
I believed the carrot placed to keep me longing would one day become truth, but when he deserted me and let the ether out of my dreams I felt a certain failure with that disappointment, he got engaged to a girl I didn't even know existed within days of a so called break to think things through, I was with him for a whole year believing I was the only one, and now discovering the carrot was a baiting illusion used against me to keep me transfixed in a "no questions gets answers" holding cell, a submissive prison designed to keep you suffering and unrequited, I felt lost, but the truth is, the holding of a metaphorical number of carrots in place of solid follow-through was a magician's ruse I knew wasn't kosher to begin with, knowing I gave into temptation of being put on hold for the things I needed and wanted, was indeed pathetic and I lost the battle in my tracks right from then, the truth is when you give up your power and all your treasures to someone who doesn't value them, when you fail to respect the treasure that is yourself, you have the intuitive feeling that you are betraying yourself at that moment and that eventually betrayal from the person you love will be that much easier for him to commit. A commitment to one's own inner truth is vital to protecting yourself from the perils of love-traps and badboy rabbit holes.
The inner truth that survives is that this tale is not meant for you, you were meant to be with someone reliable, someone you can count on, someone who reflects your image of what love is supposed to be like and addressing your concerns with compassion and actuallys care for you. Struggling to be loved is not love, it's a dull fruitless story that does not reflect any meaningful sacrifices of the trials and tribulations of a normal healthy relationship.
When you have your act together, the internal truth gets to have center stage and the play of one's life becomes more interesting. In getting dumped I have a chance to have a new lease on my life... I get to turn the tide and live my differently this time, the dawning of a new day has presented itself once the tower of Babel has fallen, the pieces of my internal truth still remain, in pieces but all the pieces are there and ready to be reclaimed and put back together! Now that I have myself back, I can do wonders with the internal truth as the guiding compass :)
DESERTER BAD BOY BEHAVIOUR: "Just wait until such and such is over (and I don't mean someone else, I am refering to other life/work/family commitments), I'll have the time to spend time on your needs then, right now I'm busy with...."
ReplyDeleteWhen he hasn't backed anything he says with a commitment to proving himself, it's fools gold, but the rush is a crushing decent into the abyss. The black hole that describes the place where your dreams are subjugated and left untreasured, a dizzying inescapable trap of waiting for the unknown, yet the fear of knowing what is known is already too evident of smoke and mirrors that will eventually end up in a cloak of daggers and the seed of the relationship's tragic demise is revealed and drives you insane when the final act plays a horrifying drama that is your real life.
I didn't see D-Day coming. I believed the carrot placed to keep me longing would one day become truth, but when he dumped me and let the ether out of my dreams - I felt a certain failure with that disappointment, he got engaged to a girl I didn't even know existed within days of a so called break with me to think things through, I was with him for a whole year believing I was the only one, and now discovering the carrot was a baiting illusion used against me to keep me transfixed in a "no questions gets answers" holding cell, a submissive prison designed to keep you suffering and unrequited, I felt lost, but the truth is, the holding of a metaphorical number of carrots in place of solid follow-through was a magician's ruse I knew wasn't kosher to begin with, knowing I gave into temptation of being put on hold for the things I needed and wanted, was indeed pathetic and I lost the battle in my tracks right from then, the truth is when you give up your power and all your treasures to someone who doesn't value them, when you fail to respect the treasure that is yourself, you have the intuitive feeling that you are betraying yourself at that moment and that eventually betrayal from the person you love will be that much easier for him to commit. A commitment to one's own inner truth is vital to protecting yourself from the perils of love-traps and badboy rabbit holes.
The inner truth that survives is that this tale is not meant for you, you were meant to be with someone reliable, someone you can count on, someone who reflects your image of what love is supposed to be like and addressing your concerns with compassion and actually cares for you. Struggling to be loved is not love, it's a dull fruitless story that does not reflect any meaningful sacrifices of the trials and tribulations of a normal healthy relationship.
When you have your act together, the internal truth gets to have center stage and the play of one's life becomes more interesting. In getting dumped I have a chance to have a new lease on my life... I get to turn the tide and live my life differently this time, the dawning of a new day has presented itself once the tower of Babel has fallen, the pieces of my internal truth still remain, in pieces but all the pieces are there and ready to be reclaimed and put back together! Now that I have myself back, I can do wonders with the internal truth as the guiding compass :)