Sunday, July 11, 2010

Letter to a Cheating Husband

I was listening to Dr. Joy Brown on AM radio as I shuttled kids to day camp. A guy called in with his "problem." He's been unhappy in his marriage. So has a woman he knows at work. They've become friends (you know where this is going, don't you!). They began an affair. And now, he doesn't know what to do.
Forget the fact that maybe he should have given some thought to what to do BEFORE he did it – ya know, kinda like we teach our kids from the time they can toddle over to the electrical outlet. Think BEFORE you act. However, he at least is willing to give his next actions some consideration.
And I find myself incredulous. Yep, even after everything I've gone through, I'm still amazed (and not in a good way) at how just-plain-dumb some people can be.
Should he try and work things out with his wife? Should he confess, anticipating that she'll kick him out, effectively forcing his hand? Should he leave and move in with the other woman, who would also have to leave her husband? Oh, the poor fellow just doesn't know what to do!
While I managed to refrain from yelling at my radio (my kids think I'm crazy enough, thank-you), I did mutter a bit under my breath. Something along the lines of, "you stupid ass..."
But since he asked (though, he technically asked Dr. Joy, whose advice re. cheating generally sucks), I'll give him my opinion:

Dear Stupid Ass Who Called Dr. Joy:
What should you do? Ask yourself a simple question, one everyone even considering an affair should ask himself:
Is my marriage worth saving? 
If so, do everything you can to save it. You'll save yourself grief, heartbreak and a whole heap of lawyer's fees if you can.
For you, however, the question becomes a wee bit more complicated because you've now allowed a third person into your marriage. Even if you think she's completely apart from your relationship with your wife, you're deluding yourself.
So, forgetting for a brief moment that you're a liar and cheat yourself, ask yourself why you want to be with a woman who would lie to and cheat on someone she promised she would NOT do that to (her husband, dumbass!). Then when you've considered that, ask yourself whether any marriage, including yours, has much chance of survival after one of the partners starts sharing intimacy (and I don't mean just sex!) with someone outside of the marriage.
Your marriage is shaky? Of course it is. You're sleeping with someone else...and in order to justify what is dishonest and hurtful behaviour, you've likely cast your wife as a total shrew. Step back and determine whether she's truly as bad as you've convinced yourself (and probably your affair partner) or whether she's still the person you fell in love with...just with a few years on her treads and perhaps a lot of resentment built up because you're either a) wining and dining the OW instead of her or b) emotionally absent or c) nasty to her because you really hate yourself right now.
If you decide your marriage is worth trying to save, you've got a LOT of work ahead of you.
First, you need to come clean. Forget what Dr. Joy said to you about keeping it to yourself. As long as you have a secret of this magnitude in your marriage, you'll never be able to completely relax and give your best self to your wife. And, of course, she deserves total honesty from you in order to determine if she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone capable of such deceit. That's her call, not yours.
If she decides to work through this with you, you'll need to be completely honest and transparent. She'll have a helluva road ahead of her and you can make it smoother by always being where you say you are, with whom you say you're with and not hiding anything from her. Her healing depends on your ability to support her while she rages and sobs. And your marriage's survival depends on your ability to earn back her trust – slowly and steadily.
I ache for your wife. You've betrayed her in the worst possible way. I even feel sorry for you – you've created a real mess that I doubt even you intended to do.
What should you do? Well...you should've done it a long time ago. Figure out whether your marriage was a good one, worth working for...or not. Not after you've detonated the betrayal bomb...but before.
But it's a little late for that bit of wisdom.

84 comments:

  1. excellent article!!!!
    total dumbass is right!
    affairs only DESTROY your "unhappy" marriage,

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  2. I find it strange how quickly my normal, not overly joyous marriage turned into an "I've been miserable for a long time" kind of marriage. The truth is- *I* was miserable for years before I found out and was already contemplating leaving as soon as my youngest was old enough. Then to have him do that sent me into a tailspin and I tried doing every single effin thing on his list (yes, there was a list) of things *I* was doing that forced him to cheating. And guess what? He STILL kept doing it.

    When I was kissing his sorry cheating lying ass - basically REWARIDNG him for cheating- he was still not content to honor his vows. And if he had done what you have suggested here, we might have stood a chance. But SOB that he is, he was/is a fence sitter and couldn't/can't stay away from his goddess/skank.

    I hate this. I hate him. I despise her. And I hate how they all say it just happened as if a tree fell on them. No, you DID this. You consciously made the effort to destroy our lives and our kids life. If the marriage was that bad- you get divorced. You don't cheat.

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    1. why isn't it that simple for these men??? do they really think that we don't wish we could "escape" our every day lives of cleaning house, bills, laundry, dirty diapers..etc...? but we don't... because it's what we signed up for... "for better and for worse" wasn't an option, it was a requirement! life will sometimes suck and sometimes one of us won't be at our best but you know that commitment we made to each other????... oh, yeah, that pesky little commitment...it says it's okay not to be perfect, i will love you anyway... i will respect you anyway... i will never do anything to intentionally hurt you or our family... was there so small print i didn't see?? a memo i didn't get??? and now, now that he has chosen to cross the line and change everything i thought i knew about him, everything that made me feel safe (yes, even throughout the very worst of times with my husband, i always felt safe... until that fateful day!)... so NOW he realizes i'm important?? NOW he doesn't want to put the kids through this ordeal??? NOW he wants to go to marriage counseling??? NOW he wants to do "whatever it takes"???? why NOW???? why wasn't i important then? i'll never understand a man's ability to excuse himself by simply saying, "maybe i just needed to almost lose you to know how much you mean to me." fuckin really??????????????? so, the 12 years of life we built together prior to that slut (who, btw, as a history of sleeping with married men from the ripe age of 17 where she actually had a man arrested for statutory rape even though the affair went on for years!!!...talk about trash! playing the victim with her legs spread open!)... i don't know, i'm at a loss. it's been 17 months...i don't feel any better about it today than i did when i first found out. i'm stuck in this state of limbo and many things have kept me from leaving him but i'm sad to say that i don't think that love is one of the reasons, or maybe it is and that's why i'm so confused. i'm bitter and i'm angry that i now have to 'be the better person" to "save our marriage"... so as "not to put the kids through this"... ME! I'm trying to figure out a way to work it out when he didn't give me or his family any thought whatsoever!!! HE created the mess and I'M the one that has to clean it up... WTF is wrong with that picture?? so, he gets to figure things out by cheating on me and now I get to figure things out by having to be okay with him cheating on me... is it just me or is that just a double slap in the face??????? am i over-reacting????

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    2. Nope you're not over-reacting. I think you're feeling trapped in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with.
      For your own sake, however, I hope you'll find a therapist who can help you process the anger and get clear on what you really do want. Anger masks hurt and fear, which you're no doubt feeling in spades. So get to the root of that and then you're next step -- to stay and rebuild or leave with clear conscience -- will be much clearer.

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  3. I ditto that - precisely.

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  4. I still hate him, it's been nearly 2 years since I found out about him and the older tart at work, and I could still punch his jaw out at times.
    She was "there" for him, to listen to him moan, to feel sorry for him, to stroke his ege amoungst other things.
    I could walk away, I could cheat right back, Im still hurting too much to make any kind of radical life changing decision.
    My husband died the day he cheated, leaving me married to a stranger.
    Everything I thought we were has vanished, I watch him talking to me and wonder if I will ever believe in him and us again.
    The other woman had done this before, had split a marriage up already, had broken someone elses heart, she is a cold bitch, not worth the pain she has caused, someone I would love to forget, but can't.
    Im planning on sending her husband a letter for christmas, with the times and dates she cheated on him, turn her world upside down as she did mine, and show her husband what he is married to.
    Revenge is a dish best served cold, but for me these 2 years have not chilled my anger one bit.

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    1. If someone is married & they cheat...prepare to get rid of them ASAP. You will never be able to trust them again. I was married for 46 yrs.& my husband cheated. One evening I got worried about him, it was getting late & I called his cell phone & a woman answered & said he was in the bathroom. She probably wanted me to know or else she wouldn't have answered his phone. I know that he is never without his phone on his belt, so I knew what was going on. So no matter how long you are married, they will still cheat on you, & when I told him I knew, he said I must have called the wrong number...can you believe that?

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    2. For me it had been 3 years since my husband of 13 years cheated with a married coworker, and it had never gotten easier, just like the other person commented on december 9. My husband the man I believed in and trusted with my heart and life died, and I now live with a stranger someone that I see differently from when we first said I do, it breaks my heart everyday, so NO it never gets better, I love my life with every aspect of my kids as a mother, but as a married woman or with the meaning of true love I died the day my husband betrayed me and our love, the meaning of true and pure love no longer lives in my heart as a woman to a man.

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    3. I wonder If you finally did send the christmas letter. :)
      I did have my revenge on my husband's mistress. When I found out the affair, I copied all her mails to him where she begged him for sex and pasted them into her facebook wall. Not only that I sent all those mails also to her husband's account (yeps she was also married). The first one to see the post in her facebook wall was her mother-in-law. Her husband read the message also...they got divorced 2 weeks later.
      And I had my revenge but somehow I still feel miserable. I am still married, but 2 days ago my husband finally admitted that they had sex once. I knew they had sth but in some little bit of my heart I had hoped that he had more respect to himself and me. He hadn´t.
      Now I dont know what to do.

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  5. I have a cheater husband. I cannot move forward, there are many circumstances that stops me here. I'm struggling a lot. It is amazing how women can destroy women, I contact few of his dates he met by vibesconnect.com and blackplanet.com and they don't care. Since I'm white, and my husband is Jamaican, all those women are there just to improve his sexual addiction. They don't know how that hurts me. Hopefully they realize "WHATEVER GOOD OR BAD YOU DO IN LIFE IT COMEBACK TO YOU SOONER OR LATER" Saddly, I see women posting "sexy" pictures to attract man, technology and networks are more meaningful for human beings that just MEETING PEOPLE TO ADD MORE AFFAIRS AND BETRAYALS.

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  6. you all know how other cheaters said... never tell the truth no matter what happened. I just can't get over it. My husband cheated on me. Eventhough he said he never sleep with any of them, i just can't get over it. He was having loads of sex conversation , exchanging nude pic and other emotional stuff via phone texting. Not once but the 4th time when he appologized sincerely i decided to marry him. Few months later while i was pregnant there i found out he has another mobile. He was still continue with his old habits behind this prego wife. I don't know how would any lady can survife having stab by the back for 5 times and that 5 bloody times were from the same man that sleeping beside me every night.
    I tried saving this marriage and i'm still trying very hard.
    I don't know if i ever cure my post natal depression. Every now and then my emotional burst thinking of the incident. I can't differenciate the truth and lies when confronted him. I felt myself like a garbage, useless and helpless. Its been 9 yrs full of stabbing from him. I don't understand why i can take it from him. I don't feel confidence doing house work, taking care my baby and i'm so timid to even drive car. All i know what to do is cry while he is still supportive and blamming himself being an asshole for made such damaged to me. I really hopefully time heal.

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  7. Anonymous,
    Regardless of what he's doing, I strongly advise that you get some counselling to help you rebuild a sense of worth. I suspect it wasn't that strong to begin with and he's simply stomped over whatever was there.
    Please find someone who can help you recognize what's wonderful about you (and I KNOW you are). Who can help you find the strength within to demand that he either start treating you with respect or get out. But that has to come first from you treating yourself with respect. As Dr. Phil says, we teach other people how to treat us. If you treat yourself badly, you're showing others that treating you badly is okay. And it's NOT.
    Please, please, please find a counsellor or minister or social worker or someone who can help you heal.

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  8. I discovered an emotional affair (he says they never physcially were involved), that took place several years ago. Funny how at the time this EA took place, my husband was behaving like an asshole to me, ignoring me, treating me very poorly. He blamed his job, the stress of his job, the war (he was military). All the while, he was engaged in a friendship with this other woman, and he wrote letters to her about how unhappy he was with me, how the only thing keeping us together was our child, how he was only attracted to her for 2+ years nobody else. All of these written words that he shared with her (I have) in my possession. It is so hard to get those words out of my head. He says nothing physical happened. He says it was a long time ago. He says that he decided what they were doing wasn't right and he decided to close the book, so to speak. He also had written her a sexual fantasy letter that makes me ill reading it.
    Here is where I am: in a marriage that feels emotionally vacant to me. Damage has been done. Do I want to try to save this marriage? It surely doesn't feel possible to even do that. I just wish he would have been HONEST with me years ago about his unhappiness. I would have respected his so much more. Now, I cannot feel pride in our life together. My self esteem is really low, and I am an attractive, kind person.
    I hate that this is going on in my life, and I just truly don't know what to do. I'm leaning toward leaving and starting anew. I will get through this. Somehow.

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    Replies
    1. I was in exactly the same boat for years. (Military and a so called emotional affair)
      Finally I pulled the break and got out. It will never get better and you will never trust him again. All of it will drag you down more and more till you have no confidence, self esteem and no fight left.
      I am in the process of moving my daughter and me back to my home country and start from the beginning. Its scary and very hard but I WILL come through smiling and so can you. I wish you all the best and much strength x

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  9. Anonymous,
    I can still hear the pain and bewilderment and sense of abandonment in your comment/post. And while it does take a lot longer than most of us expect to come to terms with the pain and to heal from it, I'm wondering what's tripping you up that you feel like you're getting nowhere.
    I suspect the letters you've saved aren't helping you at this point. I think it's important to have "evidence" in case you expect a cheating husband's deflection or lies, but it sounds as if he's admitting everything. Why are you hanging on to the letters? It almost seems as if you're hurting yourself with them now. If you're not ready to completely let them go, then I would at least put them in a rarely used drawer or even a lock-box at the bank. Somewhere that you won't be tempted to read them often. Then see if you can focus on where you and your husband are today...without the shadow of the past constantly pulling you back.
    I'm also curious whether you're getting any individual counselling or anything like that. It can be really helpful to get an objective person's help to move us forward, especially when we're feeling stuck.
    What happened to you sucked -- no question about that. And we all know the agony of betrayal: the pain, the questions, the shock, the wishing we could go back in time and NOT know. But it's over. It sounds as if your husband recognized that what he was doing wasn't right and that he's committed to your marriage. If you believe this is true, then I think it's time to do what you can to allow yourself the chance to mend your marriage and rebuild together. It will never be what it was before...that's impossible. But it can still be a great marriage, one that has weathered a horrible storm.
    If you DON'T think he's truly committed, then that's something you two need to figure out together. What isn't he doing that you'd like him to. What is he doing that you wish he'd stop.
    See if you can figure out what's holding you back. Fear of this happening again if you let your guard down? Triggers? Or are you picking at the old scab and constantly reopening the wound? See what you can take responsibility for and what he needs to take responsiblity...and then see where you are with clearer eyes.

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  10. I just found this site. I too am going through a cheating husband. He cheated on me and I found out 6 months later. That was 2008, I haven't gotten over it. There are cliche signs that he is still doing it. I am so tired and emotionally drained. He swears there is nothing, and that he loves me and the kids, and wants only me, and is sorry for his mistakes, but there are just too many signs. I can't ignore. I am an at home mom. No job, was working on my degree, and about to start back. I dont understand if he wants to be a hoe, why does he hold on to us? Doesnt he even love me enough to want me to be happy? I mean like really? I will never understand why the JACKASS sacrifices ME for them, and can't sacrifice THEM for me. There is so much I can type. He is a careless man that only thinks with his penis. That is his priority....not me. not the kids...

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  11. It sounds as if nothing was really resolved after you found out about the affairs. Was there anything to make you believe he was truly remorseful and willing to do the hard work of helping you heal and rebuilding your marriage? It's easy – and common – to sweep the whole thing under the rug. It's ugly. It's inconvenient. It makes everyone feel bad. But without truly examining why it happened, there's little hope that it won't happen again. Only when both spouses can see what made him/her vulnerable to an affair can they take the steps necessary to mitigate chances of it happening again.
    At the very least, I think you need to find some support to help you regain your strength and your energy and your confidence. It's impossible to heal when you feel beaten down.
    Is there some way you can resume your studies? Make yourself the priority right now. Do what it takes to get you back on your feet. Then you can figure out whether you even want to rebuild your marriage. But a degree will go a long way toward making your future more secure -- with or without him. As well, as a student, you might have access to free counselling in order to help you cope.
    Hang in there. And for now, put aside worries about what he's doing and start focusing on what you need to do to feel good about yourself and your future. You can determine then whether he deserves a place in it.

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  12. My husband admitted to me a few days ago that 5yrs ago he had sex with an ex. I can go back to that exact day and remember the argument because I had a gut feeling something had happened. I was pregnant and in love with the man of my dreams and believed him when he denied it. He said it has bothered him the whole time and didnt want me to know because he knew it was a mistake. I feel that possibly in the early stages of our relationship there may have been more cheating but he will not admit to it. He says everything that has happened in the past is the past and didnt mean anything. He says he is a changed man. He had had 5yrs to deal with this and whatever other skeletons he may have, but this is new for me. I love this man with my heart and am so torn on what to do. I'd like to get past this but how can i ever believe anything he says when its been 5-6 yrs of lies. I know without a doubt that there is nothing going on now. But how do I get past this or better yet is it even possible. I don't want to be without this man but am not willing to sacrifice my own sanity, its driving me crazy. How could he do this to me? My whole idea of what our relationship was feels like a lie to me now.

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  13. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I know the pain and the confusion and the rage and shock. Rest assured, that will abate. For now, understand that you're reacting to shocking/painful news by being shocked and angry and sad and confused. Your mind will absorb it and it becomes your new reality. You will laugh again. You will smile and enjoy life. The key is (and I always hated when I heard this when I first found out)...time.
    In the meantime, however, you can ease your own pain, however slightly, by allowing yourself to grieve. Your old reality is dead (the one in which you thought you could trust him unequivocally) and you need to grieve the loss of that. Give yourself the time and freedom to do that. And don't buy the "past is in the past" crap. His past is your present...and if he wants you in his future, he needs to help you through this pain. He needs to be completely transparent and totally accountable. The only way you can ever trust him again is if he shows you – over and over again – that he can now be trusted. That he'll never do that to you again. Though you'll likely never trust him blindly, you can learn to trust him in as much as you'll trust anyone in the future. You've learned a painful lesson: that the only person you can truly count on in life is you. And, let's be honest, most of us let ourselves down now and again. He's human. He made an awful mistake. But he can't compound it by shoving it all under the carpet and leaving you to deal with the fallout.
    Does he know what led to the infidelity? What made him make that choice? Does he feel confident that, in the same situation, he wouldn't do it again? It's not enough to simply reassure you, he needs to understand what happened...to ensure it won't happen again.
    What do you need from him to feel safe moving forward? Figure it out – it's not always easy: You might need him to check in with you regularly. You might need to be able to check e-mail and phone. Require him to give up Facebook. Whatever you need to feel safe (not to "punish" him...but to help you heal).
    I promise you, you will get through this. It's more painful than I think any of us could imagine (I was always blas̩ about it, assuming I'd simply kick him out and get on with my life). But if you truly use this as a chance to re-examine your marriage, your own needs, and his, you can create a stronger marriage. I won't say better because, like you, I thought my marriage was impenetrable. But I do think it's far stronger. We're together because we choose to accept each other Рflaws and all. Not a fairytale, for sure. But real life.

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  14. Its me again (having stabbed 5 times from the same man). "We" are still going thru hard times. To me it was more like I myself went thru it. He admit to everything even answered to all my doubt but why am i still not satisfied? I just don't know how long this gonna take but its killing me. His way of answering every question was so abbusive and sarcastic.
    I just realized one thing. The only way this thing between us gonna solve is going his way. Accept his abbusive way. He wanted to be treated as if he was the victim. I have to hold everything inside me and write journal secretly as if i was talking to him in reality. I can't show my depression and i can't evey allow to mad at him coz the result is so bad that he will be even madder than me. Is this all my fault? Please anyone tell me. I just need someone to tell me that it was my fault. I felt so ashame that he raised his voice infront of his colleques during work while talking on the mobile with me and even the neighbour knows that we are arguing almost everyday. I felt no sense of value at all. So humiliated .I don't dare to go out of my house its too shamefull. I don't dare call him in the office anymore with the same reason. When he said sorry i don't find any point to it coz he will repeat all over again. Can anyone tell me is my next decission of "being silence all time" good? My baby only 4 months old. Due to my depression and emotional breakdown my breastmilk is cutting down now, i am so upset. Not planning to tell my family. I hv to cut my connection with my bestfriend coz she was a 3rd party destroying other ppl's marriage, I can't accept any of her advised , she made me worst. I can't afford a counselling service. Think i'm going crazy here. I'm setting myself a limitation whereby i tollerate this until there is nothing more to tollerate and i will just escape and free myself
    -Femmy

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  15. Femmy,

    Of course you're going crazy! You're living with a crazy-maker. His treatment of you is abusive and cruel. Five times??? Enough already. He clearly has no intention of treating you any differently - ie. with respect. So the question is, what will it take for YOU to start treating YOURSELF with respect? You say you can't afford a counsellor but is there anywhere – a church (even if you don't attend regularly, you might be able to find help) or a support group? Can your doctor recommend anyplace that might have counselling or a support group? You need daily reminders, I think, that you do NOT deserve this. But you can't wait around for him to realize that, you need to start living it yourself. With everything else you're dealing with, you need support, not crazy-making cheating.
    Can you call a support line? Or post on SurvivingInfidelity.com, which has people online 24/7 so you'll always have someone there to "talk" to you.
    Please take care of yourself and get yourself out of this situation. You need to focus on being the best mom to your baby and you can't be your best self at all in such an awful relationship.
    Would your family not support you emotionally during this time? Clearly your friend isn't much of a friend.
    I feel so sorry for the pain you're in. Please see if you can find support to remove yourself from the abuse.

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  16. Just found out a week ago that my husband has been cheating on me with multiple women since EVER. The earliest record I have found (after digging)shows that he took a trip in the Dominican Republic to meet this woman from Switzerland on a beach vacation two months after our wedding...on the pretense that he was going on a business trip. I have now realized that this has been going on non-stop (emails, sms, travels, etc). We have been married 7 years, we had a good marriage - well I thought so...Since discovery day, it is like a light switch has been turned off. I was so in love with my husband, even after 7 years and the funny thing is that I used to tell him all the time. Now, I live with a stranger in the house. The thought of him touching me is repulsive. I cannot smell his scent anymore, cannot tolerate that he kisses me. Yark. I do not feel anything for him anymore, blank, nothing. I look at him, and I am trying to understand who is that man. I have not told him what I know yet. First I am collecting evidence, getting my ducks in a row (photocopying important paperwork, etc), and we are living in the Middle East and I am the bread winner (yeah, he has time to "travel" on my dime!) so it is not like I can just pack up and leave him. And second, he will deny so really I do not need to confront him, and beg him for the truth and humiliate myself even more. I also share a house with him, on which I have put all my savings so I am not going to leave my share on the table. I have become so coldly calculating...I look back at my marriage and I realize it was based on lies. I cannot tell him I love him anymore because I don't. Anyway, his women are providing him with enough love and sweet messages and comfort and caring - he really does not need my attention and care! It is like I have instantly emotionnally disconnected. He has said so many hurtful thinks about me to these women and some of them were bold enough to judge me (for example he told one of them I abandonned him with the kids to pursue my career and she criticized me!). I am preparing to leave him. It may take a while but in my head and in my heart, it is over. He has lost me completely. i want to go my own way. It is not like he will be left alone - he has multiple choice! The problem is that once all these women discover he has no job and that he treated them with a lavish lifestyle on my dime...things may be a bit more difficult for him. But do I care? I have plans for myself and the first one is to love myself unconditionally. I have nothing to do with his problem and I am not going to be the one to save him.

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  17. Tq "who are we?". I will tried attending temples or join anysort of family event gathering to get to know more people. I really need friends to voice out or at least get some peace in me. Only those whom when through what we all here went thru knows how it felt like being betrayed. My bestfriend still very fresh in relationship sort of stuff coz she started late in the 30s. Her advice was do not interupt much of my husband's privacy. I'm pretty sure if she was in my shoe she would not say such thing. Thanks for listening / reading. Really meant alot to me.

    -Femmy

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  18. Femmy,
    Yes, I think you're right. It's very hard to anyone who hasn't gone through this to truly understand the emotions. Even well-intentioned friends can seem callous and uncaring. Often they feel angry on our behalf and adopt a "just dump him" attitude, which is NOT as easy as even we thought it would be before we found out.
    I hope you're able to find some support in real life...but of course I'm happy to have you share your thoughts here and I -- and others who comment frequently -- will no doubt share our thoughts. And we all certainly support you and ache for what you're going through.
    Hang in there...and please talk with a doctor or healthcare professional to see if there is some sort of support group in your area.

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  19. Tq so much "who are we?". I'm feeling better this few days. I kept myself busy. I took the courage of inviting my husband's friends & family to join us at our place. While i was cooking he also took innitiative to took care of baby and he enjoyed his friend company infact he really appreciate it alot that i did all that. Sometimes i think its better not to mentioned what already been damanged by him. Really hope i heal soon. Once awhile i just can't control this emotional wreck, hate that when it happened and i have to try hard to control it, find ways to express it out, wrote it down a journal and stuff. No matter how would luv to burst it infront of him but when i think of how difficult it is for him to get stabilize in one job i tried not to sabotage his career. And yes he did have a fling or so called flirting with one of the woman in his job. How does it feel daily imagining both of them working together i think you and everyone here knows how it feels. For those women that involving with married men who happen to read this i really wish to express how i felt here as a wife. Not only you are destroying your life with a selfish bastard, you are destroying another married woman by sharing her man. Most women went through depression due men and that isn't enough. He willing to lied to his wife (the closest person that slept besides him every night) and what makes you think he won't lie you (OW)? You have no idea how stupid you are to fall for these men coz you are feeding their ego! Most of these men WILL NOT leave the wife & family (Comfort zone)

    -Femmy

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  20. my husband of 13yrs cheated on me 7 times and out of 7 he got 3 pregnet. when i found out wat he did i nearly killed me i was so hurt and didt kmow wat to do. and im still tryig to fix my marrage but one thing about that you cant fix marrage when only one is trying and the other one dont wat to try. but even then im still with him yes im vary stupid i know but i have five kids with him and been with him since high school i still care for hom

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    1. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. You're right -- you can't fix a marriage in which the other person isn't interested in fixing it. Is he taking any responsibility for the pain he's caused you? How is he handling the pregnant other women? Does he/you know for sure that the children are his?
      You're not stupid at all. You trusted the person whom you expected to be able to trust. That's not stupid at all. Continuing to stay in a relationship, however, with someone who treats you with no respect is unhealthy – you must treat yourself with enough respect to expect honesty and decency. Your physical health is also jeopardized when he's not being faithful.
      I know how confused you must feel right now but the main question is whether you're in a safe place – both emotionally and physically.
      Please take care of yourself.
      Elle

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  21. My wife cheated on me....
    I was angry for many years and the reason I stayed with her was because our children were very young. I wanted to leave and never talk to her again...unless it was through a lawyer.
    Now, years later, I've decided to go and talk to a psychologist about it. Not to fix my marriage but to stop me from being miserable at home and transfer that misery to my children.
    It is very easy to blame someone else for a failed marriage, however, most likely, the problem has to do with both members of the couple. In my case, I neglected my wife. I dedicated myself to a job that was very demanding and I did not pay a lot of attention to her.

    When I found out that she had cheated on me with another man my world fell apart. I never felt so lost in my life. I just wanted to talk to my father, but I was unable to burden an old man with my problems.
    Days after I found out I found myself crying non stop during my commute to and from work, not being able to slep, trying to "keep it all together" while wanting to find out more about the other guy, wanting to kill them both (her and him) and feeling sorry for myself.
    Now things are different, not better or worse. I believe she is with me because she financially depends on me. She has never told me so but I know. I stayed because of my kids. I don't love her anymore.

    She cheated on me because she wanted out of our relationship. The act of cheating was just confirmation that our marriage was over.

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    1. I'm so sorry for your pain. It sounds as close to you as if it happened yesterday.
      I'm glad, though, that you're seeking help for your own issues. I hope you'll be able to get clarity around what you can control...and what you can't. And perhaps, get clearer about whether you want to stay in the marriage or not.
      Would you ever consider joint counselling with your wife? Would she consider it? It sounds as if you're both in a cold war...which kids will pick up on. It's an issue in my own marriage and I know my kids sense when there's "distance" between my husband and me.
      I guess my point is that you don't have to sentence yourself to a life half-lived. Are you fulfilled outside your marriage? Do you enjoy your career? Have friends? Interests?
      I hope, in any case, you'll find peace.

      P.S. there are a number of books out there directed at betrayed husbands. I think it's often quite different for a husband to be cheated on than a woman. There's also a great site called Surviving Infidelity (www.survivinginfidelity.com) that has a thread specifically for men. You might find support and wisdom there. Not that we don't want you here -- you're more than welcome. But it helps to talk to those who truly understand your situation.

      Elle

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  22. It's. Just as hard to be the other woman. Especially when my life is going fine and this man shows up at my house. Just to make sure I'm ok after all these years. Then to continually talk to me and say we are to be together. Ive always believed that (the man is saying this) . But my kids are too little. I want to tell his wife. What to do.

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    1. I think you know exactly what to do. And that is to tell this man, in no uncertain terms, that he is married and as long as he is married, then it's impossible for him to have a relationship with you (I'm assuming you're NOT married). I don't doubt that some people are better together than others...and if that's the case, then he needs to get out of his marriage in a way that leaves his wife's dignity as intact as possible. Then, if he's still appealing to you and you're still appealing to him, go for it and see what happens. But to have an affair just reveals both of you as self-centred and cruel. What's more, it reveals both of you as capable of lying and deceit -- not exactly appealing traits in a mate. And don't kid yourself that he'd be different with you. If he's capable of lying to her, he's capable of lying to you. Is that really what you want?
      He made a choice to be with her. And she is owed honesty if he's changed his mind. She does not deserve to be cheated on.
      I will concede that being the "other woman" is no picnic. But it's certainly not "as hard". Not even close. The fact that you think that indicates that you can't possibly understand the devastation that follows disclosure of a spouse's affair. Even if you knew your marriage was having trouble, nothing prepares for the discovery that the person you thought you could trust, the one you shared your own secrets with, has lied to you, exposed you to possible STDs, lied about you. It's a trauma that takes years to get over.
      Please think of that next time you're tempted.

      Delete
  23. I just found out that my boyfriend of 8 years and two kids was seeing some girl that he I guess met in 08 he never told me anything about he until my daughter told me that as she wAs playing with that girls son she saw her sit on my boyfriends lap! Now when I confronted him with that he said that our daughter was just kidding that nothing happened! Right!!!! Anyway he would tell me that he was going to visit an aunt and uncle and his cuz! That for some reason he could never take me to meet!? Coming to fined out that it was her mom and step dad. I finally got to meet them after 4 years and was asking questions one of them was were is the daughter now because that's the only person I have not met yet and they told me that she got into drugs and walks the streets!!! I had asked them how is it that they all met and was told that they met my man through there daughter!?!?! WTF?!?! The mom assures me that nothing ever happened with my man and her daughter but that makes no sence to me why would he hide her from me all these years and like I told her who knows what happened behind there back! I don't know what to believe he tells me That they were just friends and that nothing ever happened!!! I would like to believe that but I don't know!!!! Pls help

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    1. I'm sorry you're going through this. My guess is that he's up to something. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. So if he's been hiding this "friendship", chances are there's more to it than he wants to admit.
      I confess I'm not much good at going into undercover detective mode but check out www.survivinginfidelity.com and go to the Just Found Out section. You'll find tons of people who can tell you how to check phone records, computer records and all that stuff. You could always hire a private investigator, though that's expensive.
      Or you could simply ask for the honest truth and see what he gives you.
      My guess however is that he's not going to tell you.
      Wish I could help more...

      Elle

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  24. hi there, just came along this site and needing some.advise as well. i was married for 23 years and have 2 children and my husband had an affair and left me and my two children for this other women. it has been 1 year and a half and i cant seem to let go and i dont know he has shown no pain or remorse for what he did to our family. at the beginning he never tried to contact me first ever it was always me texting him about problems with the children and he just seemed to only care about him and the ow. whrn he would have fights he would text me to talk about the problems that he was having. this women has tried to convince my children that she loves them and she has only seen them maybe 7 times. she always in the way telling my kids things about her nasty expierences when she was yonger believe the stories are not fit for my 14 and 22 and the ex husbands doesnt even ssy anything to her. i dont know why but i still care for him. i try to find out stuff sbout them and when i hear they are fighty it makes me feel good. i feel i dont want him to be happy it mskes me feel better to see him having problems mean while i think i still care. i have been destroyed from this i know i need to stop caring. how could i still love someome who has done this to me and my children. need some advise how i could move on. i feel so lost. dont know how to begin my life as a single person and feeling so lonely.

    sad

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    1. Sad,
      Of course you're sad and lonely and angry. You were betrayed by someone you trusted and he's not only abandoned you, he seems to have abandoned his responsibilities as a father. A 22-year-old is an adult (though still needs a healthy relationship with a father)...but a 14-year-old needs dad in his/her life on a regular basis.
      Frankly, your husband sounds slightly nuts. But you're letting him make YOU nuts. As tempting as it is, don't let him confide his issues to you. You're not his wife nor his friend, you're the co-parent of your children. In some ways, you're still giving him the emotional intimacy he had in the marriage. Let him flounder in this new relationship. By giving him a place to vent, you're actually making the other relationship MORE attractive to him because he doesn't need to deal head-on with the problems. But more importantly, you're keeping yourself tied to him and this woman rather than freeing yourself to get clearer on your own future. You can't stop caring right away...but you can ACT as if you no longer care. Fake it til you make it! Eventually you'll find that you really no longer care because you've created a wonderful life without his cheating and betrayal.
      It's not easy, I know, but it's far less painful than keeping yourself connected to a disrespectful man and his nutty girlfriend.
      If you can find counselling, I think it would really help you deal with what happened and move forward into the rest of your life.
      In the meantime, help your kids understand that what this woman is telling them is really none of their concern and help them set boundaries about what is appropriate and what isn't. Don't badmouth the other woman, no matter how tempting it is. Her actions speak for themselves. Your job is to teach them to protect themselves from crazy...so they need to know how to recognize it. Remind them to trust people's actions, not their words.
      And hang in there. With some time and work, you can get past this. But the key is doing your best to keep those two out of your life except when you need to speak to him -- quickly and to the point -- about the kids.
      Good luck.

      Elle

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  25. Letter to Cheating Husband, Link and Excerpt:
    http://hathayoga.net/?p=1157

    Your wife sits at home feeling a deep sense of loneliness and that something is wrong. When she goes to you, the man she loves and has devoted her life to, and asks you for the truth – you lie. You make her feel like there is something wrong with her. You make her doubt her own intuition. So… this woman that you love… that loves you… you do irreparable harm to every time you cheat, lie and deny. You think you are better than a man that beats his wife? You are not. You too are a wife abuser, only the scars that you leave are deep and hidden, where nobody sees them and your wife must suffer alone.

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    1. Bingo!! Couldn't have said it better.

      Delete
  26. I am so hurt. Cant stop crying. I am depressed and anxious all the time. My daughter needs me, my husband keeps cheating on me. My husband cheated on me 2 months after our wedding, that's 6 months after our daughter was born. Worse, he blames me for it, saying he felt lonely. I forgave him, told him to get help. He refused to get help. He put my life at risk by having unprotected sex with someone he doesnt even know. We had been trying to fix our relationship and behind my back last weekend he asked my close friend if she wanted to have sex with him. She called me the next day telling me how angry she was because of what he asked her. I was stunned, he said it's not cheating, of course it's cheating. He doesn't love me, I feel stuck, I dont know where to go, where to start. I need help can someone that's been thru this please contact me. I'm tired of being blamed for something he's doing.

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    1. I'm so incredibly sorry. Your husband needs a good kick in the head. But since you likely can't do that (and shouldn't in any case), you're going to need to figure out what you CAN do. And what you can do is insist on being treated with respect. Which includes a husband who isn't cheating. And yes, propositioning your friend IS cheating. Good for her for telling you.
      But don't bother getting into arguments about what is or is not cheating with this man. Make it clear the rules of engagement if he wants to remain married to you. In the meantime, see a lawyer -- not necessarily to file for divorce, but to understand what would be involved with your daughter and assets. That way, you have better leverage and are more likely to stand up for yourself when he's acting like a jerk.
      He needs to get help to understand why he thinks it's okay to cheat on you when you clearly do NOT think it's okay. Would it be okay for, eventually, his daughter's husband to treat her the same way? I doubt it.
      In any case, insist that he find help. And, if I were you, I'd also find someone to talk to about this -- therapist, social worker, priest/minister, wise friend. Someone who can help you sort out why you forgave him so quickly without any real indication of change the first time...and why you're still with him when he's clearly got so little regard for your emotional well-being.
      Hang in there. It will get better but only if you insist on it, either with him or without him.

      Elle

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  27. My husband denies when I have proof he is talking to other men I have been married for seven years and this all started shortly a couple of months after we have 2 children but he always denies don't know what else to do he won't say the truth to me and never will its killing me inside!!

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  28. I found out two weeks ago my husband cheated in me with 8(that he admitted to) women. 5 via sexting and 3 he actually had sex with in a two week span while we were in town for my baby shower. I'm truly crushed and depressed and cannot get over this hump. I am not sure if I want to work things out he seems truly remorseful but I don't know if it's another lie. I suspected it for a long time around 7 months. He would yell and cuss at me saying I was being stupid for insinuating that. Turns out I wasn't but I heard a lot more than I expected. I start counseling on the first of February because I'm having bad depression issues and I just had twins a month ago. I just don't know what to do with my marriage. I do love him with all my heart I just don't see how you say you love someone and cheat on them several times with several women.

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    1. You're trying to make sense out of nonsense and you can't do it. I'm so sorry for all your pain. You've be surprised at the number of women on this site whose husbands cheated when they were pregnant or dealing with newborns, including at least one other mother of twins who found out a week before she gave birth. Statistically speaking men are more likely to cheat when their wives are pregnant...which unfortunately doesn't say much for the male gender.
      I think counselling will do a lot to help you through. Dealing with one new baby (let alone two!!) is exhausting enough without all this emotional agony. You need as much help as you can to ensure that you're also able to take care of yourself through this. Sleep, good food, emotional support.
      I hope you'll enlist anyone you can to help. And I hope you'll take this time to try and enjoy moments with your babies.
      And please know that all the confusion will give way to clarity with time and counselling. Your husband should also be reading/seeing a counsellor to sort through what allowed him to step outside your marriage in such an extreme way. Fear of fatherhood? Anxiety about supporting a twins? No excuses make it acceptable...but in order to ensure it doesn't happen again, he needs to understand what he was telling himself to give himself "permission".
      Hang in there. Breathe. Sleep. Cry when you have to. Read everything you can to give yourself strength.
      So many of us have been there...but we're getting better every day. Seems like forever at first...but you'll be amazed at how differently you'll feel as time goes on.

      Elle

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    2. Looking for a few ideas / thoughts! My husband works out of the country - he left for work and I stayed behind with our two children as my job is in our home city and is not exactly mobile (esp w the economy the way it is). Our marriage was basically a mess. Our first born had some health issues in the early years and I admit I focused completely on our child and not the marriage (didn't help that I was at times accused of being responsible for the issues our child was dealing with). We basically had zero sex life, but incredibly I got pregnant a second time. My husband immediately told me to get an abortion and did not at any time come to me to say that he had made a huge mistake - but instead 3 weeks after making that demand, when i broke down and said i couldn't go through with an abortion, he told me I had better come up with a plan to help support a second child (my husband was making about 90,000 a year and we were mortgage and child care free). My second child is a blessing from God...love so much!! After that situation I never wanted to have sex with him again.

      He left to work out of the country to give us a break and becuase he was just was miserable (my feelings really didn't play into the scenario, needless to say I was not unhappy to see him go).

      Last summer I received an anonymous letter in the mail informing me that my husband was sleeping with other women and that he is a miserable a**. The writer of the letter thought I should know and get the hell out of my marriage. SO...I did something I have never done, I snooped in his email. And i found sufficient evidence that he is/was having inappropriate relations with at least 2 women (maybe 4, but the other two seemed more inconclusive).

      I have not left him nor have i told him what I know. I keep feeling like because I turned away from him physically, I was wrong and he had reason. I also feel like it was wrong to sneak into his email.

      Can someone tell me if i am beign fair to myself and him - or too understanding?????

      There is no shortage of resentment on my side. I am making no effort to make the marriage better...

      Delete
    3. You are absolutely NOT responsible for your husband's affairs. Snooping is a violation of privacy but also symptomatic of an unhealthy marriage. If he had nothing to hide, he'd hide nothing.
      It sounds as if you've both been miserable for a long time, and you're right that it's both your responsibility to create a solid marriage. But, like you, he had the option of talking with you about it or asking for a divorce rather than stepping outside your marriage.
      You need to determine whether or not you want this marriage. Not for your kids but for yourself. And then you need to take the necessary steps. Right now, he's got the comfort of a marriage (even a lousy one) without any of the responsibilities and commitment. You've got the comfort of a marriage without any of the true COMFORT of a marriage.
      Living like this is no life...not for you or your children.
      Get clear on what you really want. Then talk with him and sort it out. Either a divorce or a sincere commitment (with the help of a counsellor!) to rebuild a marriage that meets both your needs.
      Whichever path you choose, I hope you'll seek some support for yourself. It sounds as if you've had a lot to deal with over the years without the compassion of a husband who's also a friend.

      Elle

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  29. Reading through all this just made me start crying. I am going through a really rough patch in my mariage. i have had a long distant marriage for one year. We just barely started living together 4 months ago and i just discovered he has a female friend who he has had a sexual relationship with(while we were married). During the first month of us living together,i would wake up in the middle of the night and not find my husband in the house. He would come back telling me he went cruising on the freeway to clear his head. Seriously? In the middle of the night? But i know too well.After work sometimes he goes to her place and stays there for a while. Thank God for Find my Friends for iphone. I got to know that he goes to a particular place after work.. Now i know its the lady's place. i have threatened to leave him,but every time I do,he always cries. begging me that things will be better. I have learned a little about the lady. She likes him and wants to be with him since they met(before we got married) but he never told her he was getting married. She didnt know he was married. Now,he says he has told her he is married and that she understands. But i dont understand why he still goes to see her. He claims nothing is going on now. that they are just friends. So why cant i meet "your friend"?
    Its not like i want to meet her but a responsible man should know that that friendship is not healthy for our marriage and cut it off. He seems to hold on so much to that friendship and still goes to visit her,lies about it and expects me to think theres nothing going on.
    At this point i am so hurt. Still dealing with the fact that he cheated on me,or still is. And also dealing with the fact that she's still in the picture. He has said to end the friendship with her but i fear he's just telling me what i want to hear and will go back to visiting her as usual.
    I dont know if this mariage is worth my sanity. I dont know if i can ever trust him. We dont have any kids yet but i dont want it to get that complicated when this is all happening.
    I have had no one to talk to. I dont have any friends. I left my life in my country to come and be with this man...and it seems he's not willing to do the same for me. it really hurts.

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    1. I just found this site...
      reading all the stories is taking me back to mine very paifull time when my husband did cheated with my so called "best friend".
      It was the worst most painfull time in my life and still it hurts like hell!!!
      I do understand how you feel as I did just like you left my country for a man I did trust, loved and always tought marriage is for ever and that we will spend the rest of ours life together but sadly that will not happen.
      I will not go on whot exactly been going on between them as it would take far to long to wright all but as you can guess I did rid off both of them for good.
      From whot you are saying I think your husband is a lier, cheater and you should never bolive him or trust him...his tears are just a joke and so is he!!!!!!!!
      Life is very cruel and it is and will be very painfull but the longer you will leave it all as it is it will be harder and harder and it will hurts more and more.
      Open your eyes and dont let him destoy you and manipulate you and your feelings, be stong stand up to him and dont put any longer with that lowlife loser and his bit on the site!!!!!

      Delete
    2. Erica,
      I'm sorry -- I just stumbled on your comment. I think you need to brace yourself (and suspect you know this on some level) that he's still cheating on you. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. And he's clearly hiding something.
      His tears are for his own fear of losing you, not about what he's doing to you. You need to remove yourself from him until he's ready to establish absolutely NO contact with this (or any) other woman, allow you full access to his phone/computer/whatever, and commit to rebuilding a marriage, though it sounds as if the very foundation of yours hasn't been very strong. Impossible with him it would seem, given he had one foot out the door from the beginning.
      You simply can't have a marriage with deceit. Forget the game playing, forget the begging, forget the "friend". Get out. Now. Get yourself some counselling to get clear on how he's messed with your head and ensure that he or nobody else does it again.
      You're better than this, Erica.

      Elle

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  30. I thought my husband was just into drugs but yesterday I just found out that he had been sending text messages to a mother of my daughter's classmate. The woman pronounced to other parents that they were sending text messages to each other (my husband) but the parents did not believe because they think I am too pretty to be replaced by a woman who looks like a cheap slut. I never believed it until I confronted my husband about it and admits he was texting her because he wanted to know activities of my daughter's class (my husband is the one who fetches my kids at school). He said he only did it because he was mad at me sometimes. I am a bit confused of his statement. He admits texting her and said it was only because he is mad at me? Then denies having a relationship at her. He said he never had sex with her. He never tells me what text messages he sent to her. Now I dont trust him anymore.

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    1. Okay...a couple of things. "Just into drugs"?? Exactly what drugs, how much and when? Addicts of all stripes tend to be seasoned liars.
      Secondly, of course you don't trust him anymore. He lied to you. On the one hand, he said he's only texting her to find out school activities (does the school not communicate directly to parents?). On the other, he texts her because he's "mad" at you.
      What exactly does he hope to gain by bringing a classmate's mother into your marriage?
      Whether or not there was sex (what do his texts reveal?), there's clearly dishonesty, deception and immaturity on his part. When we're mad at our spouses, ideally we share our frustration and work toward a solution. We don't text another woman.
      Whether this woman looks like a "slut" (I hate that word; too much shaming) or a princess is beside the point.
      You need to create communication in your marriage (and perhaps less drugs) that is respectful to each of you and based on honesty and trust. At this point, you should have access to his texts if only to reassure yourself that there's no further communication between your husband and this (or any) woman.
      Hopefully this is just a minor infraction, though I recognize that it's affected your trust in him, and you found out before it went any further. Use this as a wake-up call to fix your marriage.

      Elle

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  31. Rz

    I discovered since 2years that my husband after 12 years of marriage has an emotional affair with my cousin who is my best friend too..I read texts and emails that killed me ...I went mad ..I have 2girls ...he promised to cut it off but I rediscovered they still had their filthy affair going on ...he promised again to stop I tried to believe ...and now he hides everything and has a password for his phone ..and computer ..I loved him so much and I'm attached to him ...I am leaving him but it hurts and aches so much ...he shows no regret though ...my world has been destroyed by a bitch who is married too ...I hate them both so much ...wish to see them in agony ...I feel life is unfair. ..she has nothing better than me ...

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    1. I know what you are going through as I am going through the same thing. I have been married for 25 years and he has had an emotional affair for 5 years with his ex. It hurts so much. I am in the midst of it all, making my decision of leaving him. I have read his emails and text. He has passwords on everything. He had had secret dates with her, they have exchanged rings to symbolise their love for each other, and he has showered her with a lot of presents and money whilst leading a normal life with me and our children. Life is so unfair. I feel for you..xoxoxoxoxo

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  32. Thank u for this blog ...u helped me speak out and share my pain ...I know now how many women suffer because of sick men ...who's joy is in ruining our lives for the sake of a b***ch ...may got grant us strength to collect our broken hearts and souls inorder to stand bold and strong beside our beloved children ...I regret chosing an irresponsible father and husband ...god will punish him for his unfairness ..

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  33. I have been married for 25 years and I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with his ex for 5 years. He has spent money, presents, exchanged rings as a symbol of their love. I hacked his email account and found email claiming he had never loved anyone but her for the past 25 years and hoping that one day she would be his wife. When I confronted him, he turned it all around and has blamed me for everything and it was because of me etc etc. He has shown no remorse or apologised for his behaviour instead is worried about her and what I would do to her marraige. . I am so angry that he could do this to me as I trusted that all was well in our marriage..never was I told that we had a troubled marraige etc. What do I do?

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    1. Hi Anonymous,
      So sorry for what you're going through. You say he's blaming you and has neither apologized nor shown any remorse. I think you need to get very clear on what you're prepared to do...and move forward without any expectation that he's going to change.

      I'm so sorry for your pain...but glad you found us here.

      Elle

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  34. I was married for 30 years when I discovered e-mails between my hubby and a woman who camped in the same park we did. I was totally shocked as she is everything my husband hates rolled into one blonde package. My life has changed forever. I did not leave because I refuse to lose half my stuff because he was an idiot! I stayed but its like living with a stranger. Its been 2 years now and I think about and cry about it most every day. I did tell her hubby and confronted her but it hasnt helped me get past what he did to me and our family. Like most men he said it was just sex and he loved me. I think thats funny....how do you love someone and do what he did.....causing me so much pain? I pouted most of the summer of 2011 and finally decided to seek revenge.....being a scorpio there was no other option. I am happy to report I have been seeing a very nice man for 1 1/2 years now and the hubby if he suspects does not say a thing when I leave to "go shopping". I was a devoted wife of 30 years, the house was clean, a nice meal on the table, and sex when ever he desired. There was no excuse other than being a selfish pig to do what he did. I lost every friend over this deal as none of the men want my hubby around their wives. Its very sad but I no longer adore or love my husband. The revenge has been fun but has not really helped my feelings of being cast aside by my husband.

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm not surprised you and your husband live like strangers when each of you has gone outside of the marriage for something that should be kept within a marriage. The minute you allow a third person into the marriage (whether the spouse knows about it or not), you're introducing a threat, which is bound to create strain.
      Both you and your husband seem to have virtually no communication skills around this. He brushes it off with "it was only sex" and you respond by finding a sex partner who isn't your spouse. You say you're "happy to report" and yet you cry daily, which tells me this sex buddy isn't doing anything for you beyond further eroding your dignity and self-respect.
      If your marriage has a chance of surviving you need to determine whether you're there for reasons other than fear of losing your "stuff". And your husband needs to do the same. Without a firm commitment from both of you to rebuild your marriage, you're simply existing in a cold war, which strikes me as a lonely way to live a life.

      Elle

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    2. Women... one thing is trying to fix a marriage and another thing is to be masochist!! You deserve more. Stop nursing the pain and dump the bastard. You are only making yourself miserable!

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  35. It's been years of misery and unhappiness in my relationship,sometimes I just feel so depressed and doubt myself;WHY DO I STAY? My bestfriend and I shared a long distance relationship from 2008-2011 due to immigration restriction at that time.Honestly,he was my world and he made me believe that he loved me and that I was the only woman in his life.I was aware of the complications of LDR'S(Long Distance Relationships) but he seemed to juggle his relationship with me and the other woman just right.Omg,we were always on the phone,I called whenever or whatever time and he ALWAYS answered me,it never seemed like another person could even exist and come between what we shared.My bestfriend met me in the country I now permanently reside in and he took care of my baby boy before he even could walk.When he had to leave to go back to our own country of origin,I was devastated but we decided to love eachother no matter the time or distance between us.It was very hard for me and my son but I promised to occupy myself with furthering my education and working on getting my immigration process sorted out.For those years apart,I grew more inlove and I was so happy,people thought he lived with me,as I would always hurry home to go online to be with him.Honestly,he's been the best guy I have ever dated,I trusted him and I loved him dearly.Unknown to me,my love was in a steady relationship from 2009 up until 2011 with this woman.....We were married in Nov 2011,since I was finally able to travel and hold him in my arms again in February of that same year.I found out every detail in April 2012,my world completely shattered.I was already married and was hearing from the other woman,how he was still having sex with her,even after we had tied the knot.My bestfriend had to admit it just because I had caught an STD that same year in Feb after visiting him,not sure I would have even gotten a confession if the STD didn't appear.The thing is,I am lost,I feel broken and although we are still together,I am hurting like crazy because the pain has not diminished.He said he never wanted to lose me,that's why he couldn't tell me the truth but I feel like he lost me the time he had that feeling.I have spent all those years waiting on my love,I stayed faithful and I never brought another man into my son's life.Today it's hard,as my son is attached to my husband and I am happy that my son has a father who he loves and adores in his life,but I CANNOT TRUST him at all.I still hear that he's cheating and it drives me into deep depression and I have already been diagnosed with severe anxiety,where I now take medication.When we are together,it's like heaven on earth but I'm just not sure if taking him away with me would make our marriage better,as the trust is no longer here..............

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    1. I'm so so sorry for the pain that you're in.
      I think you're asking exactly the right question. But you need to dig deep for the answer. Why ARE you staying with someone who treats you with such little respect and consideration. Your son is young and it's far better for him to see you treat yourself with respect than learn from this man how to treat women.
      I suspect you're hung up on believing this man was your "best friend" but, honestly, best friends don't do this to each other, and certainly not for such long periods of time.
      This man is seriously impacting your health.
      Your son needs a strong, sane, healthy mom. That's the best gift you can give him. This man doesn't deserve you. Let him go. And reconnect with yourself. Please.

      Elle

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  36. The first time i found out he cheated it was because i got an std. I decided to stay for children. But years later that happened in 2008, i realize that forgiveness is fake. I don't forgive him i hate him. He is nothing but a lying cheating blasted, a short little idiot with no heart or soul. I refuse to let his cheating destroy me i will take my four little innocent children and teach them that it is wrong to lie. My children could have lost their mother because of their selfish father. Marriage is nothing but a word. Don't hold onto something that is a lie. Be happy living a free honest life. I will never allow another man into my life. I will work and take care of my children and give them all i have. I will not feel guilty for leaving their father and breaking up a family, as the saying goes. He was the one who broke up a family! Just pray for me to be strong.

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    1. You'll be strong. I hope you'll also, with time, allow yourself to soften too. To allow for the possibility of love to come into your life again. It's a gift not just to show yourself how to respect yourself but to show them how to remain open-hearted when life has hurt you.

      Elle

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  37. ever since i met my man 8 years ago, he was never faithful. i knew when i met him that i was not the only 1 but i bealived and hoped that he will change.we had our first baby in 2009 and we got engaged in 2011 and we were so much happy and crazy in love. my world was crushed last year when i found out that he has been cheating on me and got the lady pragnant and the baby was born a month after our engagement. i was so devastated when i found out about the affair and the baby, he cried histerically and apologized that he was wrong and that he did not mean to hurt me to that extent.he dumped the baby mama only to found out three month later that she was pregant with his child. i forgave him but it hurts so bad and i get so angry when i think about the pain he has put me through. i recently found some texts on his fone with different ladies,the worst part now is that he has put a password on his fone, i do not trust him at all. my point is that i am confused, i know we love each other but the temptation on his side is irresistible. this has affected our relationship and our sex life so bad, i really want to leave him but it is not easy when i think of our baby and what we have achieved together.now i have gotten to a point where i feel like life is not worth living, i need help

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    1. Dear I Need Help,

      We accept the love we think we deserve. And for some reason you decided you deserved someone who was "never faithful". Why? What has happened in your life to make you think you don't deserve better? And do you want your child to believe he or she doesn't deserve better?
      People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. He's clearly hiding something if he won't let you see his phone.
      The temptation is not "irresistible"; he's decided he's not going to resist it. It's a choice on his part to do this to you. And you have the choice of whether or not you're going to continue to let him disrespect you in this way.
      You're showing your child what it means to live in this world. You can either teach your child that he/she must always treat themselves with respect and insist that others treat them with respect; or you can show him/her that when someone disrespects you, you simply allow it...and go back for more.
      You deserve more than this. But you need to absolutely believe that. And you need to act like you believe that, which means NOT tolerating someone who's hiding things from you.
      He's either IN the marriage or out of it. Your decision. Sounds like he's already made his.
      I don't mean to sound cold or cruel. I'm so sorry for your pain and I know you're confused.
      But to those of us hearing your story, it's heartbreaking what he's doing to you...and that you're putting up with.
      Please know that you're better than that. You're a loyal, loving woman. You're a mom who wants better for her child.
      Please seek help where you can -- a counsellor, a minister, a social worker. Someone who can help you recognize why you've accepted this and how you can move forward with self-respect.
      And please let us know how you're doing. We're rooting for you.

      Elle

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  38. I recently found out that my husband had been on live chat porn sites. He has been masturbating live to other women and of course they were doing the same. He also paid some of them. Now my husband thinks this is not cheating. According to him he has been drunk and on porn sites. He says its a mistake...he did not know it will hurt me. I'm trying to forgive him and move on but I simply can't. He is not ready to go counselling. I don't know what to do. I'm miserable! We also have a one year old baby. He has been doing this since 1.5 years. Yes, even when I was pregnant with his child. Please advice me what to do. Last night he wanted to have sex... but I could not. He left the room angry and slept in guest room. I feel disgusted!

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    1. I'm so sorry.
      I get so frustrated with people who think they have the final word on what constitutes cheating and what doesn't. If you wouldn't do it with your wife standing beside you, then it's cheating. If you're sharing something with another person that belongs in the marriage, it's cheating.
      Cheating is a trust violation not necessarily an exchange of body fluids. He violated your trust and that shakes the foundation upon which you've created your family. You likely wonder who you can trust if not him. Your world probably feels less safe. You're likely going over the past 1 1/2 years trying to discern whether there were clues, what you might have missed, etc. This is all "normal" post-betrayal response.
      Regardless of whether or not he'll seek counselling (and I have to wonder why he's "not ready" -- what, exactly, is he waiting for?), I hope you will. Betrayal cuts to the very core of us. It's crucial that you feel supported and have a place to share your feelings that non-judgemental and focussed on getting you back on solid ground. It's not surprising that you feel "disgusted" by his sexual overtures. Sex and intimacy go hand in hand in a marriage. When the intimacy is violated, then sex will be affected.
      His anger is likely a countermove to get you to back down. Don't. This violates the trust in your relationship and you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed and angry yourself. He doesn't get to define how you move forward, you do. If he wants to preserve his marriage, then he needs to shut down his porn visits, give you access to his computer/phone/whatever he's been using and recognize that when he's revealed he can't be trusted, he needs to earn that back.
      Hang in there. And please don't hesitate to keep posting. I hope you've also got some close friends or family you can confide in. Betrayal can be a lonely place, especially with a husband hell-bent on pretending he did nothing wrong.

      Elle

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    2. Elle, thank you. I'm not the original poster but your response was what I needed to hear for my own marital turmoil. My husband may not have slept with another woman, but he couldn't stop hanging out with them. And he knew how much it would hurt me if I knew. Guess what MH? It's still breaking my trust.
      Thanks again,
      AJ

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  39. I found out a month ago that my husband of 8 years, and 3 kids, started an affair when I was pregnant with #3. His defense: "Well, I wouldn't have cheated if I had been happy." I got in touch with a mediator and we've been going, and he's been selfish all the way so far. The whole marriage he has been depressive, hostile, but also self-pitying and that made me pity him - I'm a sucker for someone who seems to be in pain, even if they are also inflicting pain on me - underemployed, and he even made a racist comment while I was pregnant which I found shocking and disgusting. Basically this guy is a toad in every way - why is it that when he looks remorseful (and I literally mean "looks" remorseful - he's not even articulating that he is sorry) it triggers me to feel bad for him? I am leaving, I am taking steps to separate, but why am I so sad to be separating from this person who has almost no admirable qualities at all??

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    1. You're sad because you're grieving the loss of the family you thought you could have, essentially the loss of the fantasy. And, whether he's been a jerk or not, he's the father of your three children. So, please, let yourself be sad...but don't let yourself give in. Accept that leaving him won't be easy, but it is necessary for you to regain a healthy, happy life.
      He's showing you exactly who he is. Doesn't matter that he occasionally feels lousy about it. That's HIS problem. Stay strong in your conviction. Your kids deserve a mom with self-respect and clear boundaries to show them what a healthy relationship looks like. And it does NOT include hostility, self-pity and a mistress.
      Hang in there. You can get through this and I think you'll look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did.

      Elle

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  40. When our first son was 8 months old I caught him cheating with my neighbor. I left him that night after a horrible fight that landed him in jail. I was heartbroken and swore that it would be the last time he would hurt me. After a couple if weeks he finally got to see his son and he told me he loved me and was so sorry for what he did. I decided to give him another chance. Our relationship will never be the same. Sure he is trying so hard to be a better partner. He works hard. Is sweet with me. He's not being sneaky. I actually believe that he is no longer cheating, but I will NEVER trust him ever again. He lost that trust forever. I live him.....but I also hate him. There are days when I wish I could go back in time and never have given him my number. He lost that love I once had for him.

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    1. Liz,
      You can continue to live in a marriage with a man you don't trust, though I suspect eventually one of you will simply leave or cheat. Or you can make a choice: too either leave and rebuild a life without him (except for his role as your son's father) or with him, in which case both of you have to walk the hard road of figuring out how to have a healthy relationship. Either way, I suspect it will ultimately be far more gratifying than to continue to exist in a relationship that you don't value.

      Elle

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  41. I was married for 36 years to my husband when I had medical problems after menopause and sex was excruciatingly painful. Went to a number of drs. with very little relief. Finally I told my husband I just couldn't do it any more. He was furious. Fast forward - husband was losing too much weight. He looked awful. He had been heavy, so he thought he looked great. He became disgusted with my looks - overweight, gray hair, typical grandmother. He would watch every bite I put in my mouth. He'd sneak off during the night. Next morning, he was gone. He said he left at his regular time, but didn't want to disturb me. One day I woke up at 5 and he wasn't there. He said he was called out to work. No phone rang. He kept his work phone in his pocket. He started washing his clothes. He stayed outside on the phone and smoking all the time. I had always told him if he ever cheated on me not to tell me about it because it wasn't my fault, it was all on him and he would have to face God and be judged, but don't tell me about it, I don't want to know about your filth. He finally got very sick. He laughed at me because I couldn't have sex and he said, "Poor Baby." He was throwing it in my face that he was having sex. He would look right at me and laugh. I sat with my head down, in shock. This went on for several days, when we learned he had inoperable cancer and very little time left. He was devastated, crying, etc. He never apologized; it was never mentioned again. He told me he loved me over and over and how beautiful I am, etc. I think he was scared and wanted me to take care of him. I took care of him, never mentioning what he had done. He was dying anyway. He was the saddest, most broken man you can imagine. His sins had caught up with him ; he was too sick to go on. He died in the hospital. I don't know who the other woman was, but I have an idea. Two years, & I am still reliving all of it. I have no closure - how can you question a dead man? He took it all to his grave. I was beneficiary to all his assets, so the other woman didn't get what she was probably after. Why would a woman fall "in love" with a very sick looking old man? His skin hung on his body, and he was almost 70. He had no shame whatsoever about what he had done. We were very happy for so many years up until the last year & he ruined my life. He thought I wouldn't leave him, but believe me, I would have if he had lived. I kept my mouth shut until he died and was left with everything. I deserved it, and half of it was my retirement savings. I worked all my life, and never even had a vacation, and I wasn't about to let him give it to her. If I had thrown a fit he would have divorced me & I would have gotten less. Is this cold? Remember, I didn't cheat, I didn't ruin a long happy marriage. He did. He was getting revenge because I had "cut him off" and he wanted me to know he was getting it elsewhere. The funny thing is, about 3 weeks before he died, he said he was impotent. He still called her up until the day before he died. For months I grieved until I thought I would lose my mind. I would see him sitting next to me in the living room. Going from room to room calling his name, not eating or sleeping. I'm still praying for God to help me not feel so sad. Please help me make some sense of this all. I think it was nothing but his revenge and sin, and now I am the one paying for it.

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm so sorry for the pain you're still in. It sounds as if your husband really put you through the wringer for the past few years. So now, along with grieving his death, you're grieving the loss of the marriage you previously had, before he became a stranger. You have a lot of loss and pain to get through before you'll get to the other side of it.
      I urge to find someone with whom you can share your pain. Do you have a minister or priest who can help you with your grief? You sound stuck in the past, sifting through what happened and trying to make sense of it, which is a futile exercise. You'll never likely understand why he did what he did, other than he was lost and became consumed with himself. You'll never likely understand why the Other Woman was available to him other than she was lost and became consumed with herself. Even those of us with husband still alive and to whom we can ask are still baffled. We'll simply never likely know how someone can cheat on a spouse with apparently no remorse.
      So better to file that one under "things I don't need to know" and focus on how you can get through the pain that's still in your heart. Allow yourself to simply feel it without looking for answers. Just feel it. Cry if you need to. Punch pillows if the anger comes up. And trust that you need to exorcise the pain in order to eliminate it. And please, find someone you can trust with whom you can share your story.

      Elle

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    2. Thank you Elle. You are right, I am stuck in the past trying to make sense of it and I don't think I ever will. He was never a communicator at all. My children said they had loved him, but they didn't even know him he was so silent all the time. I will try to talk to a minister, as you suggested. Thanks again.

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  42. ----OK, so at the moment I am feeling lost, heart broken and totally empty inside. I cannot imagine how one person you love so very much could completely turn your world upside down. As a kid, this is NOT what I imagined my life to be. I have just found out that my husband who's life I saved (yes, he would be dead 6 feet under if not for me) had a secret family of 4 kids with a heavy drug user (we DO NOT use drugs, or even drink for that fact) and recently snuck a 22 year old in our home while I was in bed (he is 48) 3 of the 4 kids are taken away by the courts and adopted out, but I have no idea where the 1 left is. As for the 22 year old skank, this is how it happened :: I was in bed, he was watching TV, I heard the front door open at 3:15 am, I got up at 3:30 am and seen he was not watching TV. I went into the basement and turned the lights on. (the bed his mother died in is there, and he cannot part with it) he came running from the bed, totally naked. I asked "what are you doing?" He said he was going to lay on his mothers bed for a while. I noticed the cold room light on and opened the door. BEHOLD a pair of women's boots. I went around to the bed and the 22 year old skank was hiding under the blanket. He struggled to get his clothes on and she ran out of the house, screaming all the way. I was in such shock I went numb. Its all his fault, but how can a woman, and I use the term lightly. sneak into a married man's house, see all the pictures of their wedding on the walls and screw him while she's in her bed?? I also found out while I was working, he would have her in our house, eating my kids food and making herself at home in my home. I only hope she goes through a worse situation when she 'grows' up. I will add that I never realize we had a problem, I am not ugly by all means, and I'm loyal and honest. I have no idea what happened here. As for the crackwhore with the 4 kids, in my opinion that would be at least 8 years of cheating with that one. I have been there for him for everything he has gone through, everyone in our city knows us together and now I'm hurt beyond belief, humiliated and lost. I know I'm not perfect, but I have always been there for him, and showed I loved him very much.
    Hurt beyond belief. How do you deal with this??

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    1. Hurt Beyond Belief,
      You deal with this a minute (sometimes a second, or a breath) at a time.
      You're looking for sense in a crazy situation. There is no "reason" he did this that had ANYTHING to do with you. He's clearly unhinged and behaving in erratic and dangerous ways -- dangerous to you, too.
      Has he sought any help at all? What do you want to do (no need to make a quick decision; it can make things harder by believing we need to decide right now what we want to do. You can take as long as you need)?
      In the short term, you need to be tested for STDs and abstain from sex with him until you're both clean. He should absolutely be seeking treatment -- for whatever mental health issue is causing him to behave so insanely.
      And it certainly wouldn't help for you to also get some therapy to support you through this. You've been thrown a HUGE curve which can create feelings of post-trauma. You need lots of support and compassion as you try and catch your breath.
      I'm so sorry for this. It's such a massive betrayal and undoubtedly so painful. But, I promise, you will get through this.

      Elle

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    2. from, Hurt Beyond Belief

      Thank you Elle, I am looking for sense in an unbelievable situation and I can't make anything out of it as much as I try to. He has not sought any help, in fact when I asked him to speak with someone with me, either a counselor or pastor, his answer is "why would I go tell a man my problems when they have problems of their own." He refuses to and made it clear he will not speak with anyone.
      I have gone to the doctor and as of now, I am medically fine (no STD's) however mentally is another story. For the past 2 months I often wake up crying in the middle of the night; I have many nightmares and when I'm driving alone I often find myself bawling all the way. When I go into work, I put on a 'plastic face' you might. Everyone knows me as the happy, kind and smiling person who always laughs, the person I used to be and I do not want anyone at work to know my business. If I show anything different, they would all question it. When he died at home in 2004 and I saved him the first time, he was air lifted to another hospital, he died in the helicopter en route and they brought him back also. I do know he had extremely low oxygen at the time, and as a result he developed epilepsy. He takes anti seizure medication daily for the rest of his life now but he still denies he's epileptic. I don't know if something happened to his brain through all this, he says no of course, an all the MRI's and scans he has had show nothing, but he is not the man he used to be.
      I will go by myself to see a counselor, I know I'm depressed and I'm tired of putting on a false face around other people. I'm tired of driving home from work bawling all the time, having night mares and trying to find answers.
      I have made him sleep on the couch since all this, and a few times I told him to stay at his brothers house as I did not want to see him. I no longer look at him the way I used to. His immediate family is disgusted with what he has done. Still I have not said anything about all this to our children.
      I often wonder if because I saved his life, I feel some sort of obligation to keep helping him. I can't help him with this one. I'm trying not to make quick decisions, however I think it would probably be best if I went my own way. Sometimes when I'm out, and I think about all this, I get so sick I throw up and sweat runs down my face.
      I don't want the rest of my life like this. Amazing how one person can change your good nature and spirit into something so depressing and sad.
      Thank you again Elle, and thank you for having this site. Your words did help me and I believe the decision I'm leaning toward would be best in the long run.
      I'm trying to catch my breath, but its incredibly hard.

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    3. HBB,
      You are an incredibly strong person. The fact that you can go into work and even have a "plastic face" to put on is testament to your strength. But yes, you need a place where you can unload. Someone who can help you sort through everything that's happened and chart a course for your future that ensures you're safe and able to be your best self.
      That you recognize that you can't help him is a huge step. Too many of us think we can control another's behaviour. We can't. And the "why" of this isn't something you can figure out. His refusal to seek help just ensures that he'll continue to make himself miserable, perhaps by pushing out the one healthy person in his life (you).
      You will find yourself again. You have changed...but you can be wiser, stronger, more compassionate with yourself and others. Please tell the therapist that you are likely experiencing post-trauma. Some therapists don't recognize just how traumatic betrayal is. But there's a growing body of science that acknowledges betrayal as trauma and treating it as such generally leads to faster, better healing.
      I hope you'll continue to gather support and community here. We're all rooting for you.

      Elle

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  43. I feel for each of you brave women. I, too, have been cheated by husband of 25 years. I found out a month ago.
    He has lied for years about everything contentious in our relationship. It is never his fault. I used to feel inadequate for not being able to support him, but now I know I had no chance, as he is narcissistic and believes he can do no wrong.
    When I found out about the affair, he lied to my face despite the facts that I presented. He could not avoid nor deny what I had found out, but he stood in front of me and made me feel I was imagining things! How dare he!
    I have stood by him through thick and thin, his depression, job changes, financial challenges.
    We have a large family, and I want them protected from this, and financially secure, so I have kept all of this to myself, until this forum today.
    I will never forgive him nor forget this.
    I have given him another chance with the children, but told him that we are just a business partnership now. Why did I throw him this lifeline? He will not lose face with his children, and I am pretty sure that the children will judge me as the nasty one.... but what can I do? telling them will only give me a temporary "justice" and a long term guilt. I won't compromise what I have worked for 25 years to give my children, (all dependent students), for a justification of my behaviours, but my hurt, angst, frustration and defensiveness are at the fore now, and any gentler traits in me seem well hidden.
    I look at him and I am just empty. Sometimes repulsed, but there is no love anymore.
    Ironically, i hate him for all his lies, yet I am now living one.

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  44. I was cheated on back in October after 8 years of marriage and he always said that he will not cheat on me because of what his ex wife did to him (cheat) . Found out through text messages that came in at 4;00Am. Cheated on me with a co worker who just had a baby 5 month before. I'm so disgusted when I think about it. He says he is remorseful but I don't think that he is. Then after he said he wanted to fight for this marriage and make this relationship work he does it again with the same woman. WTF..... We are separated right now but I love him so much it hurts me to just walk away even though I live on my own with my daughter and I changed my bank account and just moved every thing to my name. He calls me and tells me he loves me. He wants to work on our marriage and wants to move in with me but I said when you leaves your job and show me that he is serious about it then we will talk but until then I'm living my own life. I've confronted this woman and she blames him for everything but it takes two to tangle. I've thought of sending her nasty video to every email of every single person that works at the clinic but what will that do. Yes you do feel good for a bit but its just for that moment and then you start feeling like crap again. so I've learn to just let go and just let God take care of that. The revenge will be his. Pain still lays in my heart my soul but I learned to over come that pain and do positive things with my life to move on. Yes I do cry at night asking myself why me? Maybe its a lesson for me to learn I don't know. But what I do know is that life is short and I cant keep dwelling on this. There are better and bigger things out there called LIFE. Keep myself occupied go to the gym a lot to distress and staying looking HOT and who knows maybe find some one greater. Always stay positive.

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  45. My husband is a habitual cheater. Apparently always has been. He doesn't care of his careless acts affect me. He doesn't want me to leave because he wants his cake and to eat it too. It no longer affects me. After the last time he confessed, something changed in me and he can't hurt me anymore. I can't leave him yet, I'm not set up yet but I'll get there. Stop giving these men power to hurt you. You are all worth so much more. I'm not concerned with revenge or finding someone better. I'm just out to keep my children safe and healthy until I set up a healthier alternative. I'll get passed this and move on. It's all I can do at this time. Until then, that mother f-er is gonna pay financially unbeknowing what's happening.

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  46. My husband cheated on me 16 years ago. I had no idea. He confessed because he felt guilty. Great. So in absolving himself of the guilt, he broke my heart. We had been married 15 years prior to him cheating. I had been unwell for a number of months and was eventually diagnosed with an auto immune illness. It was a few months after this he cheated. I cannot describe the pain and hurt I felt. The one person who was supposed to have my back, destroyed me. It wasn't an affair as such, more of a fling. It took me a long time to stop thinking about it every day. I would look at his hands and think about where they had been. His mouth, his bits and wonder what he was thinking when he was doing it. I shouted, I threw things and I generally told him that I would never forgive him or forget and to get out. I had 2 young children but at the time my emotional well being was more important to me than forgiving my husband. I told him I would make his life a misery over it. He was so apologetic and sorry seemed so inadequate. He told me whatever it takes for me to trust him again. He said if it was within his power to take his bits to a shop and get a brand new one he would. Against my better judgement I stayed, and to be honest most times I am very content and strange as it might seem, I do trust him. The indiscretion was in his parents country of residence. Had it been here, I am not so sure I would of taken him back as I would of wondered every time he stepped out the door if he was seeing her. However, since hitting the menopause his prior infidelity seems to have hit me like a ton of bricks and I am starting to hate him for it. Every now and then I get a surge of hurt and want to scream and shout at him for something he did all those years ago. If I am honest, he is a good man and would do anything for me. He tells me he could never love anyone like he loves me and all I think is 'then why the heck did you risk everything for a drunken fumble with a flabby old mare'? For the most part we have a good marriage and communicate well.. The kids have left home and we have holidays, expensive cars and most things I want. He takes all my moods and little digs and snipey comments. And I love to watch him squirm when a programme is on TV where someone has cheated. But, is this really how our marriage should be? Me trying to make him pay 16 years later? We are coming up to our 30th wedding anniversary, but I still think in terms of before cheating and after. Maybe I really should of left him? Reading this back I sound truly awful. So, in sticking with me maybe he has paid in full eh? And I should put up and shut up. I don't understand why all these years later it has started to feel so raw again. The only conclusion I can come to is my hormones are all the place due to the menopause. Some days its like it happened yesterday and I want to phone him up and rant at him. Its sounds mad and irrational, I know. I would be interested to hear if anyone else has experienced a rush of emotion in the menopause to something they thought they had dealt with long ago. If not, then maybe its just because I am a vindictive b**ch. I don't want to feel like this. I want to enjoy our new roles as a couple and concentrate on us, not feel like I need to get revenge all the time.

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    1. While your hormones might be a bit wonky right now, I nonetheless think there's something more going on than that. I think there's likely lots of buried grief and pain. It sounds as if anger came out...but anger is only masking hurt and fear.
      Did either of you seek any counselling to help you through the betrayal so many years ago? Even if you did, I would urge you to find someone now.
      Whether or not you ultimately decide to stay -- and it sounds as if you want to -- the bitterness and desire to hurt him are feelings you don't want. It's impossible to feel gratitude and joy in your life when you've got these toxic emotions brewing.
      I hope you'll take the time to excavate those long-ago feelings and really examine them. It wouldn't hurt for your husband to join you in counselling. Whether or not this happened years ago or yesterday, when we don't really process feelings, they get stored as somewhat immediate. Instead of watching him squirm, would it be preferable to feel as if, together, you found your way back to a marriage that feeds your souls?

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  47. My husband cheated on me with his coworker and he keeps denying it and making excuses for everything involving her. I confronted both of them in the past with evidence and they still seem like they are still at it and both denied any wrong doing. I can't take anymore and I am looking into getting a divorce once I get everything I need. I was going to continue seeing a counsler, but he went once doesn't want to go again and is denying everything anyway. Unfortunately, we have kids together, so it's complicated.I have to protect my self and them because enough is enough. I don't deserve that disrespect. I deserve the truth. I am loyal and ttreat him great and her is treating me aweful. I need to get my life together get rid of him and find someone that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

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    1. I think you're absolutely right except for one tiny thing. Leave the "someone that will treat me the way I deserve" until you're in a healthier, less wounded state of mind.
      In the meantime, get yourself to a lawyer to figure out what you're entitled to and how to protect your kids and stick with the counsellor.
      You're going to be fine but please give yourself time and energy to get out of the marriage and to heal.

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