WTF?
Honestly, just what the f&$k were you thinking? You knew he was married. You knew he had children. You knew he slept beside me every night. And you knew that I knew nothing. Is that what made it so delicious? So tempting? That I appeared by his side at various events, utterly clueless to what was going on behind my back? Did you feel triumphant? That you'd beat me at something?
Okay, so I looked stupid, at least to you. Is the satisfaction of that worth sacrificing your own dignity? Because, really, how can you have any dignity when you're pulling on your panties as he races out the door to be home in time for dinner? How can you have any dignity when you're alone – again – on a Saturday night while he's watching Toy Story with his children and tucking them into bed?
And frankly, though I might have looked stupid, and perhaps pitiful, to you...and some less-than-compassionate others, I'll take stupid over sleazy and low and cruel any day of the week. No matter how awful it felt to be me when I found out, I'd still take that over being you. No matter that my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying, I could still look myself square in the mirror without shame.
Did you think it was simply a matter of time? That you would be appealing enough for him to walk away from the life he'd built? That all those fantasies you'd convinced yourself of – that I nagged, that I was lousy in bed, that I was boring and bitchy – were actually true? Did you really believe that any relationship based on deception would deliver you from your unhappiness?
My guess is, yes, you did. My guess is that very few Other Women honestly admit their role as an accomplice in the intentional hurting and decepition of another human being. Often another human being you don't know. Or barely know. Or perhaps, shockingly, know well. Instead, they sell themselves clichés. Something along the lines of "we're soulmates", "we couldn't help ourselves", "the chemistry was too powerful" or "you can't stop love." All of which, I suspect you recognize on some level, is total bullshit. All of which allows you to divorce your abhorrent actions from your intent. "We didn't mean to hurt anyone," you wail.
Oh. Yes. You. Did.
Because you knew. You knew that I was being hurt, even if I didn't yet know it. You knew I was being lied to. And betrayed. And you participated in that. Knowingly. Willingly. Perhaps even happily.
What's more, my children were being hurt. And though I don't expect you to take total responsibility for that (after all, HE was their father), you nonetheless contributed to the potential dissolution of their family.
And for what?
Was the sex that good? Were the feelings of superiority, if only for the brief time he was with you, so intoxicating that it made all the humiliating departures, all the embarrassment when you were caught, all the shame this no doubt triggered, worth it?
And if he left me for you? What would you have gained? Three emotionally damaged children every second weekend. A man who lies and cheats. A man who doesn't have the self-control to stop himself from doing something he knows to be wrong. To be hurtful. What a prize. Guess what? If he's not willing to become something better than that – he's all yours. At least until he meets another you sometime in the future and you become cast as the betrayed wife.
In our case, you were shocked when he, after being caught and given the choice between me or you, didn't hesitate. Not for a second. And, believe it or not, I felt sorry for you. Though I raged at you in my head, loathed the look of you, wanted to spit each time I said your name, and shower each time I imagined you two together, I nonetheless felt a sliver of pity for you. Because no-one does this unless they value themselves so little that they settle for another's scraps rather than demand respect and kindness. Or unless they're so delusional that they really believe that this is how true love manifests. Unless they've fallen for all that "star-crossed lovers" and "us against the world" crap.
It has been almost four years. December 11, 2006 - a date that's seared into my mental calendar. I have no idea where you are now. And though I still taste anger when I think back, I'm able to wish you, if not well, then at least better than what you had. If only to spare another woman the agony of finding out that you're sleeping with her husband.
Elle
A well written letter. But not worth sending. Not worth the time or effort to contact or have anything whatever to do with the other woman or several of them in my case.
ReplyDeleteThey don't care about the wives feelings, they don't care about children or families. They are just having fun and even in a lot of cases don't even care all that much for the one they are cheating with.
The wives and children register so little with them that they are as good as non existent.
That said I did a bit of writing of my own...
I only managed to find out one of my husbands affair partners. Turned out to be one of his mothers friends- yes old, very gross, and tracked her down on facebook. I sent her a message anonymously telling her that the whole family knew she had slept with her friends son, then proceeded to send a letter of her foul deeds to every "friend of hers. Her children, partner (who was not with her at the time) and woirkmates.
Evil and underhanded, but so satisfying on the revenge o meter.
I have no idea what she is up to now as she has closed down her account and cut contact with our family. A god thing in my eyes.
Wow...truly such a reaction, on your part, must testify to a venemous heart and mind. Whereas the damage they wrought affected you (perhaps the damage was unintentional-you were not meant to find out), you decided, with intentional malice, to spread that damage to her 'friends...children...partner...and workmates.
DeleteIt perplexes me that such an action is founded on a sense of sanctimonious self-righteousness. If anything I would say your crime is worse, yes, even 'more evil', for it was done with the deliberate and premeditated intention of causing pain and destruction. How can you justify hurting her children or partner??
I don't understand how people can consider this behaviour unless they are complete narcissists.
Anonymous,
DeleteI think a "venomous heart and mind" is often an apt description of the betrayed spouse's state upon finding out – though it can also be used to describe the Other Woman's state of mind when she chooses to have an affair with married man and father. Though it doesn't often last...the anger of a betrayed spouse can be an important part of healing. It's difficult to understand the things we're capable of doing in the wave of such betrayal. It's often unlike any behaviour we thought ourselves capable of. But then again, we generally haven't been exposed to such pain. And it has nothing to do with "sanctimonious self-righteousness" or narcissism, and everything to do with feeling powerless...and needing to take some power back. The fact that you misunderstand reveals that you've never been on the betrayed side of the equation.
What's more, to assume that an Other Woman is somehow blameless because the damage was "unintentional" and "you weren't meant to find out" is wishful thinking at best. Just like a drunk driver might not intend to injure anyone when they get behind the wheel, they nonetheless chose to drink then drive, knowing that the likelihood of hurting someone is greatly increased. And though I don't cast all Other Women as monsters, I nonetheless think they shouldn't be surprised to discover there are consequences for their choices. If they believe there's nothing wrong with what having an affair with a married man, they shouldn't be embarrassed with their family, friends, co-workers by answering publicly for their actions.
Elle
Sounds to me like anonymous must be an 'Other woman". How dare you even attack someone without knowing how horrible it must feel to go through this.Marti I think all women must feel that need for revenge and justice.If the hoe didn't care about you and your family why should you care about her reputation. Serves her well.
Deletedo feel sorry for the other woman-two very, very seniors, one widowed, deceived into believing the cheater was unencumbered, when in fact he was a gigolo living with another senior woman who carried him financially. His children-well grown. Widowhood hurts. It's lonely. There is only one guilty party when the man cheats-it's the man. The old, you can lead the horse's ass to water, but you can't make them drink.
DeleteI read countless books on the topic. Divorce is painful for children and so is the cheating. Just for your own knowledge, to give you a better understanding of what cheating does to children, just so you do not succumb to the belief that they are untouched if they don't know they have a cheating parent, you ought to do some work in that arena. If you know his helpless body just happened to fall into hers, then you are right to blame her, his mistress.
DeleteI was the other woman. He told me he was divorced. He lied. It was a long distance relationship, he controlled absolutely everything when I came into town. I thought I had met my soul mate. I didn't find out the truth for a year and a half, when I finally had rearranged my life to be with this lying, cheating worthless toad... All along he was sleeping in the same bed with his wife, playing "Happy family of five"... Don't blame the other woman unless you know her side of the story. I didn't choose this, I was tricked and betrayed as surely as his wife. Those poor children.
DeleteThis never fails to amaze me. A cheated on wife (above) writes about the other woman:
Delete"They don't care about the wives feelings, they don't care about children or families. They are just having fun and even in a lot of cases don't even care all that much for the one they are cheating with.
The wives and children register so little with them that they are as good as non existent."
Wake up! You are writing about your husband!
Unknown,
DeleteOf course we are. And we know that. But just because our husbands clearly had their heads up their asses doesn't mean the affair partner isn't as morally compromised. The difference, of course, is that we have a history (and often a family) with our spouses so if they're willing to do the incredibly hard work of owning up to all the damage they've caused and to becoming people who deserve a second chance, then many of us are willing to extend that chance. The Other Woman, if she was aware that there was a family being betrayed, is best cut out of our lives like a cancer. Because, as you quote, "they don't care about the wives' feelings, they don't care about children or families... etc. etc."
In most cases, I don't think it's worth sending (including this one) because it simply keeps communication open when I think it needs to be closed – firmly and permanently.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think it can be extremely cathartic to write the letter.
And I don't blame you a bit for what you did via Facebook. There are consequences to lying and deceit. And when these Other Women play the victim, it drives me nuts. Except in cases where they honestly didn't know (and cut it off the minute they found out), there's no excuse for participating in the betrayal of another person. I bet the revenge-o-meter was registering "Highly satisfying!" :)
I did that..I entered into a conversation with the OW. She used me as a therapist, telling me of all the awful things H did with her, how he betrayed her over and over again, saying he would leave me, and marry her, but never went through the promise.
DeleteShe tried to portray herself as the victim. She was probably trying to separate me from H, so I won't take him back.
When he finally came home, she just turned tables and attacked me saying I never wanted to leave my husband, and he is a liar, blah blah.
I have given a lot of thought to the OW, probably more than she deserves. She was just being dumped by her married boyfriend when she met my husband. So he knew what type of person she was and still the 2 of them managed to build this fantasy of how I and our children didn't care about him. When I found out and called her the appropriate names he would defend her and tell me "she has very high morals" What!! At least I found out how stupid and blind my husband could be. As for her the only expanation I can come up with is she has bought in the Hollywood version of affairs.( Her favourite movie is Bridges of Madison County and she actually had him watching it!) You know the one where the poor married guy is chained to this unfeeling, uncaring bitch and his only joy is the few stolen hours with his beautiful, intelligent and ever understanding mistress. Well let me tell you something OW, you are one of the most pathetic people I have ever had the misfortune to come across! You somehow don't have the backbone to make your own life into something worthwhile so you live in this continuous fantasy with no consideration given to anyone you may be hurting. All in all I consider you a complete waste of space!
ReplyDeleteI've given a lot of thought to the OW, more than she deserves I'm sure. My husband , shortly after D-day used to to great offence when I called her any of the appropriate names, saying "she has very strong morals" WHAT!! Obviously I missed the memo where that definition was changed! This is a woman who was being dumped by her current married lover when my husband crossed her path. He knew what she was like and still got involved. Yes she also knew he was married and had children but the two of them managed to build their fantasy world where he was a poor, neglected, uncared for man who just wanted to be loved! Makes me want to puke!
ReplyDeleteI have come to the conclusion though after 2 years of rebuilding that the OW is the most pathetic person I have come across. Perhaps she has bought into the Hollywood version of affairs where the mistress is beautiful, intelligent and compassionate, and the man is chained to an unfeeling bitch. My advice to the OW, pull your head out of your a** and live in the real world where there are real people with real feelings. Not the fantasy world where no one gets hurt.
Perfect letter, Elle. I, too, have written a cathartic unsent letter. If I hear so much as a whisper from her sniffing around my husband again, I may just change my mind.
ReplyDeleteShe actually said to him that if I ever knew, she would just die. Oh, how I wish. -Liz
You know, I've been itching to try to get all my feelings about the OW out for the past year and three months, but when I've found myself with time to sit and write I've never been able to get the words down on paper/screen. Thanks for sharing this - it's cathartic to read too.
ReplyDelete(15 months on I still would happily scratch the bitch's eyes out if I ever set eyes on her, and Marti has given me ideas...)
I am 3+ years since d-day, still flip off my ex-best friend when I see her, have very little compassion for her breast cancer, and very rarely use her name....she is "the wh@re"
DeleteI contacted the OW's grown son and told him what his mother was up to. He said he had pleaded with her to stop having my h. over to her house, but then he would find out from his younger siblings that my h. had been over there again using various excuses. It's amazing how many people get hurt in these scenarios.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to write down a letter like this for exactly the reason that we DON'T want to give these women any more space in our brains. And sometimes getting it all out can free us to move forward without them on our minds so much. Easier said than done, I know.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can remember calling my husband's OW a "waste of skin", which was offensive to my zen buddhist sensibility...but that sensibility was pretty absent back then, replaced by an altogether less evolved one. :)
Thank you for writing this...I have been composing one myself (alebeit littered with profanity) and although I will not send it, my inclination is to mass email it to every person at the middle school she works. The temptation is so great as the information is readily available online. I also know her parents address and names and want to drop them a line as well, letting them know they brought a worthless human being into this world. But I am much too level headed to ever follow through with these revenge scenarios. I completely agree with previous post that writing it down frees up our brain and is cathartic!
ReplyDeleteI have a question...WHY can't we send these letters? Look at what THEY have done....why, do we always, always have to sit back and just let them slither away into the quiet. Mine is written, not yet sent and I debate what to do with it....They really deserve to hear from THE WIFE...they deserve to hear the pain they've caused to another human being. Maybe if they get shocked in the face with it, they may make better choices and maybe someone else down the road might not get hurt. Someone, give me a really good reason not to send it.
ReplyDeleteThis one touches a nerve with me also? On one hand, I don't want anything to DO with the b****, but on the other, one of my mentors revealed to me her husband had cheated on her years ago and she found out anonymously. So now, my husband's former Other Woman is now seeing ANOTHER married man. Do I let his wife know? The part of me that doesn't want to cause hurt to another innocent says no. The part of me that hates that she's getting away with it yet again says yes. The current legal environment would probably define this as "harrassment." So much for right and wrong.
DeleteIt seems to me that WE *should* be doing more to have authorities ENFORCE the few laws against adultery we do have. We should be doing more to strengthen those laws.
I think if you've said nothing that can get you in trouble (death threats, for instance!), and if you think you would really feel better, then go for it.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason I recommend NOT sending it is that it opens up communication with someone who, not always but usually, isn't the least bit interested in your side of the story. Usually, but not always, being in touch with the Other Woman will simply compound your pain and the whole thing can escalate. But if you think you can manage expectations (ie. you don't really expect her to suddenly see the light and vow to never again hurt the wife of an unfaithful man) and you haven't written anything that will come back and bite you in the ass, then send it. I actually sent a Christmas card to the OW (my D-Day was December 10, 2006) including a photo of my husband and our three kids with a terse note "thanking" her for everything she had done for my family (she worked for my husband) and suggesting that the New Year was the perfect time to reflect back on how we contributed to others' lives... From what I understand, she tossed the whole thing in the garbage after showing it to my husband's boss (who knew of the whole thing and had little sympathy for her). And from what I also understand, she didn't learn a damn thing from the whole experience that included her being let go (albeit with a hefty severance). She still blames everyone but herself...
That said, I'm not sorry I sent it. Gave me a small measure of satisfaction.
Elle
That is awesome Elle! Good for you! The best revenge is to live well :)
DeleteI just recently found this site as in just hours ago, and it is so comforting that there is such this iste that can actually comfort for awhile the pain.
DeleteI contacted the OW thru FB tho I used a different name still presumptiously OW knows I'm the One. I just want to share that you were right it simply compounded the pain. With the OW telling that if i wanted the hubby back that I should change my attitude ( it's more painful to hear in my my language - Filipino) to quote " baguhin mo ang masama mong ugali". Reacting to my comment that they both destroyed the lives of my 5 children, she even has the gall to say that, my husband said he didn't abandon his duties to my children so she's not concerned or bothered about that. they both believe that all of these cheating and lying are my fault. the ow even flaunts their picture on facebook.
My husband would threw violent tantrums if I get evidences of his affairs, just last March I got evidence still from fb confirming they already have a child. The OW posted pics of them as one happy family.
Some months back the husband even asked me to stop bothering the OW and her townsmate, for the obvious reason that it embarasses the OW. OH God, right now I am writhing in pain for putting up with that much crap.
If only I have the power to dump him ( financial power ) or leave the house. But as it is, he made me dependent on him, but I am working my ass to be as independent. There's not much opportunity here in the Phlippines, and to think i have to raise 5 children.
To my Filipino reader,
DeleteWhat your husband is doing to do is outright abuse. I can't imagine the pain you're in -- for the initial betrayal but also from this steady stream of emotional abuse. He's beating you down though I'm so glad you're working to find a way out of this horrible situation. You're better than this. You're stronger than they are. And you will ultimately get through.
Steer clear of both of them -- on Facebook and in real life. Don't give them any more of your time or your energy. Save that for yourself and your children. They're not even worth the effort.
Once your husband sees that you are just fine and no longer interested in playing their games, a few things might happen: he might be even more outrageous in an attempt to get your attention again and cause pain; he might leave; or he might actually realize that he could lose you and stop this insanity. Frankly he sounds like a jerk but you would know better than I whether he once was a decent guy.
But whatever his reaction is, stay strong. Don't give in to threats or taunts or any invitation to engage in any sort of conversation with them about this.
He can either give her up and recommit to you...or he can be without you as a wife. You can still live in your home, take care of your children and build yourself the financial stability to eventually leave. Do NOT expose yourself to any risk of disease -- in other words, no sex until he is tested and faithful and you KNOW that he's tested and faithful. Your kids need a healthy mother.
You refer to his "violent tantrums" -- does he hurt you or the kids? If so, is there somewhere you could go to be safe? What are the divorce laws like in the Philippines? Does he have responsibility to you financially?
I wish I could help you more...but in the meantime, keep posting and keep your head high. You are an incredibly strong woman who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Sounds as if you're husband and his OW are worthy of neither.
Elle
Dear Filipino Reader,
DeleteKabayan! I admire your courage both for yourself and your children. I hope your husband soon realize this stupidity and change for the better. I feel for you because my husband had once cheated on me too. He also bore a child with the OW. It is really painful. Too emotionally painful that at times it seemed physical as well. Like my chest is literally crushed. Do not lose hope. Be strong for your children. I will pray for you and your family. Elle is correct, your bastard husband and his slut do not deserve any more of your attention.
Kat
Elle,
DeleteOh... my... goodness. This is pure gold. I cannot think of a more perfect burn. I myself have written "the letter" that you'd never actually send but recently I've been struggling with getting her out of my mind. I think it's the justice piece for me. I feel like she gets to go on with no repercussions or empathy for completely destroying someone's life. My H has gotten his fair share of my wrath so, don't think I don't understand that it takes two. But, I think it's very easy for us to assume that they could give 2 shits about us.
Rae
I'm consistently surprised at the number of women whose husbands had affairs while the wives were growing through a crisis themselves -- oftentimes a health crisis or dealing with aging parents or even a sick child. Makes me wonder if the men are just so needy that when their wives are needed elsewhere, they simply panic and latch onto whomever is in their midst that will play to their ego. Just a thought...
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope writing that made you feel better. Sometimes just getting the words out is like getting poison out of your soul. The OW actually inspires pity more than anything. Except that so often these pitiful people cause so much pain to others.
Actually. I found out I was sick after this thing started. Once I told him my news. I found out and he'd already Stopped all contact. He's been doing all the right stuff over and above ever since. If I thought for minute he wasn't. He'd be gone!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a victim. I just always chose to make better choices in adversity. I should. I was raised better. He was raised by wolves. His shame and embarrassment are sincere. We've been together for 33 years. I know the grass isn't greener on the other side. Our relationship will heal. I don't have the Big C. THAT was bigger than this. God works in mysterious ways I'd say.
Yes, it's true. I would often remind myself that what I was dealing with wasn't something irretrievably awful -- like death. There was always the possibility of healing of it. My mom passed away six months after my first D-Day...which put things in perspective.
ReplyDeleteLet me share what I did to the OW. She is working in a diner. I went there with my husband and 3 kids and pretended that I know nothing about their just ended affair. She smiled at us and got our orders, I gave her a smile too. She could see how cute our kids are and how happy we are as a family (made sure she can feel that). It made me feel so good to see her fake smile. I can just imagine her heart breaking... I hope it woke her up from her illusion (how pathetic). I think that I am far better than her. Suddenly, I felt that whatever happens, I have nothing to lose at all.. I have 3 wonderful children, she's got nothing but her pathetic and unsophisticated self.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband ended the affair, I told him not to tell the OW that I knew about it. He should make the OW feel that he made that decision (ending the affair) himself and that he does not want her anymore. I don't want to make the OW feel that she hurt me just a bit. But sometimes still, I am tempted to write the OW just to get back at her.. It feels so bad to have been wronged and not do anything about it ... well I believe in God when He said "vengeance is not yours." - Jamie
Jamie,
ReplyDeleteYou're right. Your life with your three kids is real and based on truth; her fantasy life was just that.
And please don't think of it as her getting away with hurting you. By refusing to give her any more of your energy, you're also refusing to feed into her ego and the drama around this. Women who have affairs with married men often thrive on the attention it generates. By depriving them of that, it's like cutting off their oxygen. Eventually they'll take their freak show somewhere else.
Well my parents have an account at the bank my husbands other woman worked for as a financial planner. A big account. She was my sister in law on husbands side of the family. My mom who of course was another one of the many people this affected, wrote a complaint letter to their corporate and her branch manager complainng of her unethical conduct, including the fact that she assisted my cheating husband in opening a secret credit card through them and having it mailed to her address so I wouldn't see it in our mailbox. He used this to pay for their encounters during there 8 week affair. A few more details later, and another mistake on her part, and that letter got her terminated. I am now sending the information forward to the licensing Board for Financial Planners, in hopes that it will lead to her losing that credential. I'm in a very unhealthy mindframe. I used to be kind, happy, and loving. I feel like a shell now. I wish I could let her go, but it kills me.
ReplyDeleteHang in their. I'm in the same boat but can't get her fired ( teacher in school system) they don't hold them accountable morally anymore like they did when I was younger. I don't want to run her out of time just make her suffer as I have. Nearly list my mind and had a nervous breakdown but have a wonderful God, family, and friends
DeleteThank you for this letter. I am at the six month mark post D Day, and I am still very much hurting. I did send the OW an email when I found out, but I was nowhere near scathing enough--but now I can see and appreciate the truth in what you wrote. Reading this letter really helped me.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I didn't send mine because all it would've done would've been to frustrate me more. People like this do not care about who they hurt. They're just sad, pathetic desperate women who are so unhappy with themselves that they have to settle for sloppy seconds. They will NEVER care as much as you wish they would. They simply do not have it in them. It's the sad truth.
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right. I'll write my letter, but I won't send it. She'll deny it, just like the previous times before when I confronted her in person and via text and email. I'll write my letter, then I'll focus on reconciliation and my own healing.
DeleteVery, very true. I recently came across an article on a Web site called Modern Love Rejects (ostensibly for those columns that were rejected by New York Times wildly popular Modern Love column; however, the title of the site works on other levels, too, if ya know what I mean). The writer wrote about becoming the "other woman" – and of the pain, loneliness, jealousy and so on that crept in even when she thought she could remain emotionally detached. The man was in an open marriage, though I often wonder how true that particular scenario is. And then the writer closed with her proclamation that she has "no regrets."
ReplyDeleteTalk about a trigger! When women who've participated in deception and lies (though, again, the "open marriage thing" kinda eliminates that) chalk up their affairs to passion-fuelled romance and a "once-in-a-lifetime" experience, I practically choke.
Fortunately, we're not all like that. Many of us operate within the parameters of decency and honesty. Sadly, though, not all.
7 mos since D-day, and I'm still mentally writing my letter: Mine's to let her know that she's a pathetic, twitty f'ing whore* that can't find a man of her own, and that at 44(!) maybe she should refocus her efforts elsewhere, and not with ego-deficient married men with kids--isn't she a little old to still be doing this? It's clearly not benefitting anyone...(*My DH wasn't her first married man...)
ReplyDelete...Is putting this on a postcard and sending it to every address she's associated with (including work, where I know she's banged co-workers) a terrible thing to do? I really do want her to know what I think of her before I run into her somewhere...I also selfishly want her to lose at least a fraction of the sleep I've lost over this...
Hey! Glad you found us though sorry you had to. And welcome...
ReplyDeleteWow -- you are still might pissed off. Not surprising, I know. And I urge you to continue writing the letter. I also urge you, however, to think long and hard before sending it. Yes, she deserves for everyone to know. But...I don't think revenge is necessarily sweet. In fact, I think it's bitter...and stands a good chance of making you bitter. For starters, not everyone sees the world the way you do. There are those who just might side with her...or find the whole thing amusing. Which can mean you might wind up even more hurt than you already are. And more humiliated.
You said you have kids with you (ex?) husband: What person do you want to be for them? Do you want them to see you maintain a certain dignity (not to be confused with being a doormat)? Or do you want them to see you getting even? It's a fair question. And if getting even is what you want, then I can't stop you. I can only tell you that I didn't "get even"...though I was so tempted. And now, five years later, I'm glad. In the larger picture of things, I don't really think it would have made much difference. Those who knew about what she was up to didn't stop being her friend. And those who didn't...well, who knows whether they would have been been as disgusted as I thought they should be or not.
Write the letter. Get all those angry, vitriolic thoughts on paper and out of you head. Then take a deep cleansing breath and wipe her, as best you can, from your life. She's NOT in your future...and you don't want her to be.
When I found out about H I felt as if the wind was knocked out of me. Wherever I went I cried. Total strangers hugged me and held me in their arms until I could breathe again. Today I have a better understanding of women.
Deletei was just introduced by a close friend of mine who, like myself, was betrayed by her husband, but unlike her (she had the balls to file for divorce) i havent filed and stayed for whatever reasons i still cant come to terms in understanding...
ReplyDeletethe OWmen in my situation happend to be "friends" of mine. one whose husband left her & their 2young kids for the OW, would come to MY house, sit in MY dining room, living room, eat there, watch movies there, sit next to MY husband, family and myself every sunday at church and wish us "peace be with you" after a quick hand shake and peck on the cheek... and the other who is married herself in a 2nd married because both their spouses cheated on them as well, whose son played with mine in little league baseball for a few years while the whole time slept with my husband while being pregnant with her and her husbands first child together. BTW:(yeah! the thought of having an unknown penis in the vaginal birth canal that is getting ready to deliver her husbands baby is disgusting)
i have always wanted to let these OWmen know exactly how i feel... plus everyone they know so that they feel the same shame that i have felt when i walk out my house every day feeling ashamed, even now, 1.5 years post D-day... how can i send them a letter with out getting vicious and obscene or is it even worth it? i wish i can destroy them like they have destroyed me.... & i really dont think i will never shake off this feeling! :(
Welcome and...wow. With friends like those, who needs Jersey Shore? Those women are some kinda nasty!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm so, so sorry.
But...they haven't destroyed you. Yes, I know. I remember feeling exactly the same way. I felt destroyed. I felt hollowed out. I felt left for dead.
But I wasn't. And neither are you.
And leaving or staying isn't necessarily about "balls". Sometimes it is...but not always. And that's what you need to focus on. You. What you want. What you can live with...and what you refuse to live with.
Staying isn't cowardice and leaving isn't courage. Living the life you want is courage. The challenge, in the midst of pain and chaos, is figuring out what that is.
And that's hard to do when you're focussed on the Other Women. Let them deal with their own crap. If you think it would be cathartic, write a letter to them. And if you really think it would help, send it (vetting it for anything – such as death threats – that will lead to you serving 10 to 20). But, in my experience, you won't get the satisfaction you crave. They'll cast you as crazy. Vindictive. Even if you do get under their skin, they won't admit it to you. And even if you do, the victory will be hollow. The damage is done.
I advise the letter to get as much venom off your chest as possible. But not because you're going to change anyone but yourself.
In the end, that's all we can ever control – ourself. And in the end, I think you'll discover that's enough. And always has been.
Before actually sending a nasty-gram, which I haven't, am I wrong, several months later, to contact her? I don't think DH is telling all on the depth/breadth of this relationship (it was over as soon as I found out). How do I ask her what was really going on (he says just phone calls and texts, but I'm not so sure). When I tried to find out from her what was going on (right after D-Day) she would not respond to my calls or texts.
ReplyDeleteI'm still living with the unknown because DH thinks that if he tells me any more that I'm going to go berserk (again. And I guess I am my own worst enemy in that respect). I am trying to get over this but am stuck. How do I ask her what was going on without outwardly admitting that I haven't moved on? I don't want to give her that satisfaction...
I hate to say this because I know how desperately you want Every. Last. Sordid. Detail. Ugh!! But I think this is a case of letting sleeping whores lie. For a few reasons. For starters, because they DO lie. What's the guarantee that she would tell the absolute unvarnished truth? She might have many reasons for wanting to make your (and your husband's) lives hell.
ReplyDeleteFor another reason, what difference would it make ultimately. If you don't still trust him to tell you the truth, then that's your real problem. And fearing you going berserk, unless "berserk" means running him over with a car or removing his spleen with a kitchen knife, isn't reason enough for him to withhold info.
So...and this is the tough part: Figure out what exactly you need to know and why you need to know it. I, too, thought I needed every little detail, which my husband coughed up. Now...four years on...there are definitely things I wish I didn't know. They didn't change the big picture...just gave me too much information and created unnecessary pain. You need to know the big stuff: How long he was involved, when he broke it off, whether he used protection (though ALWAYS get yourself tested no matter what he says) and why he went outside of your marriage in the first place. The rest – the where, the how often, the how good, the different positions – is just pain shopping.
And something else to think about: "several months" is really not very long in the healing trajectory. I know it probably seems like a lifetime but I promise your emotions will eventually settle down and you'll regain your sanity. And you'll want to know that you never fanned the flames or invited her back into your life in any way. No Contact is for you as well as him.
Good luck. And hang in there. It gets better...eventually.
I also wrote a letter for the OW, I started this letter as soon as I discovered their affairs 2 years ago now, but I still haven't send it, firstly, because I still believe that it is not going to do any good as others said "the damages been done", it will add more pain and I feel that I'm giving the OW the power and satisfaction - she will not care. Right now, I am concentrating on myself and my kids, don't get me wrong I was hurt 110% but I don't like to end up in a white wall. Thanks a lot and more power to this club.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog because I, too, like all of us on here, am dealing with the pain of an affair. My husband had a 5-month affair with a coworker last year and I discovered this in January -- get this! -- 5 days before giving birth to twins. Now, seven months later, we're still processing up a storm and I've mentally written the OW countless letters. The first mental letter was composed 5 minutes after finding out. The letter goes like this:
ReplyDelete"You are disgusting and you deserve your infertility. You don't deserve children. Ever."
(The OW propositioned my husband the day after he announced at work that he was expecting twins. The OW had undergone many rounds of fertility treatment and was told she could never have children. She told my husband that they didn't need to use protection because she didn't have any STDs and couldn't get pregnant! My theory is that somewhere deep down she *wanted* to see he could get her pregnant. Barf!)
My mental letter is exactly the same now as it was then. I haven't sent it but am often awfully tempted!!!
Egads! The stories we hear! Five days before giving birth to TWINS??? Good Lord, the man should have been massaging your feet, not playing footsies with some horny co-worker.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for not allowing that powerful elixir of new-mommy hormones to spur you to homicide.
Which brings us to the Other Woman, sad case that she is. Hitting on a guy about to be dad to twins is even lower than many usually stoop.
But whether your theory is true (and it very well might be), you don't want to stoop to her level by engaging in mud-slinging or cruelty. Well, okay, we may WANT to do that...but let's not because we want to remain good role-models to our kids. Right??
It certainly doesn't hurt to put our pain on paper...but sending it simply opens up the lines of communication with someone whom you don't want in your life in any way, shape or form.
Elle
Nah, I disagree. I have so much admiration for women who defend their nests, and I think it's easier to sleep at night knowing that the OW knows the betrayed isn't just rolling over and taking the whole thing lying down.
ReplyDeleteI tried to call the OW back at D-Day and she wouldn't answer my calls or respond to my texts. But I couldn't work up what I really wanted to say until recently, and I finally finished the letter I started formulating back in May; it sits in the Drafts of my cell phone waiting to go.
I think the key is make it short and sweet and not some litany about how the kids have been affected blah blah blah... But some folks don't realize what they are until someone else points it out: "I feel badly for you--do you even realize you're a homewrecker and a slut that can't get a man of your own?".
Nope, I haven't entirely decided not to send my letter yet. Until then, nearly a year later, I'm getting great satisfaction from reading my handiwork and knowing the missile is ready to launch when the time is right. I think my healing will truly start when she knows what I think of her--maybe I'm holding myself back by NOT sending it...?
I'm curious why you haven't sent it. What's holding you back?
ReplyDeleteThough I think communicating with the OW generally does a betrayed wife more harm than good, there are certainly exceptions. And some of the stories of "payback" sound pretty darn satisfying. But, in the end, that's just not my style. If you do send it, please keep us posted about how you feel afterward. I'm curious if it will give you the closure or satisfaction you want.
Elle
I am so hurt by this.
ReplyDeleteI haven't slept in 10 days.
I have to pull myself together at work
and then I come home and want to die.
I dont think I can go on.
We KNOW your pain. And we know how desperately want that pain to end. And we know how incredibly hard it is to function each day when you just want to curl up into a ball and never wake up. But we're also here to promise you that the day will come when you're stronger and wiser and, yes, happier. When this chapter of your life will simply be part of an incredibly whole life – albeit a painful chapter.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't already found some help, please, please PLEASE find a therapist or counsellor or good friend who will remind you of all the reasons you didn't deserve this, you NEVER deserved this. And all the reasons why the world is simply better with you in it.
If you haven't already found SurvivingInfidelity.com, log on and start posting. There are people there in real time who can hold your hand for as long as you need them to. Who can offer up their wisdom for a broken heart. And please continue to post here. You will get through this. Many of us thought we couldn't either...but we did. And we're here on the other side of that pain to let you know that you can too.
Elle
It is almost our one year D-day anniversary. Yes I took him back and yes I forgave him. Trust him? No, not there yet. And I still have his phone tapped, i.e. I see every email, sms and bbm.
ReplyDeleteNow comes my crisis, it was his birthday last week and she messaged him. He promised to tell me should she ever contact him ......... a week later, and I'm still waiting to hear about this. To add further insult to injury he requested her personal email as he had a few 'thoughts' he wanted to email her about. (she replied "But I still miss you).
Where to now? He could have any web based email he could email her on. I can't confront him on this as he doesn't know his phone is tapped. And truth be told he didn't reply to her "I miss you" message.
I'm going crazy again, feels like a year ago. I'm so tempted to email her, to tell her she almsot screwed up a beautiful family and to stay away, but at the same time I feel she'll see it as further incentive to get back in our lives.
The joy of crazy, betrayed feelings
How did you tap his phone? I'm 4 months from D DAY 1 and 2 weeks from the second. I don't trust mine either. Just curious.
DeleteWelcome to the site.
ReplyDeleteIf he agreed to reconcile with you (or you with him), one of the very first steps should have been a "No Contact" letter that you vetted. In it, he must state very clearly and without emotion that the relationship has caused pain to those he loves, that it was a mistake and that, from this day forward, they are to have no contact in any way. He will no contact her, you will not contact her and she is not contact either of you.
Since it sounds as if that didn't happen, now is the time it should. I understand that you don't want him to know that his phone is tapped because that's your assurance that you know what's going on...yet you're lying to him now by not disclosing that. I think it's critical that you both come clean...and agree that there will be no more secrets on either side. You can't ever be sure he isn't in touch with her or anyone else. That's what trust is about. Until you feel you can trust him, you can certainly request to see his e-mails, phone log or whatever else you need to reassure yourself. He needs to understand that this is part of rebuilding trust. He violated your trust and now he needs to rebuild it by being transparent, letting you check up on him and, hopefully, you discovering again and again that he's being honest with you.
So...I would request that he send a No Contact letter. Let him know that you're aware she contacted him and that you appreciate that he didn't respond to her "fishing expedition" with the "I miss you" comment. But that it's time you rebuilt trust on a solid foundation of honesty and transparency, not secrecy and lies.
Elle
The betrayal of an affair is comparable to the death of a child...you will never get over it. 10 years and counting and the ghost of the OW still haunts and manages to ruin every Christmas...I believe that it is called PTSD.
ReplyDeleteYet for some woman ( narcissistic monsters) they turn into abusers themselves. How can someone who has been hurt in this way ever justify hurting someone else in the same way? Unfathomable!!!
DeleteYes, I agree that you never get "over" it; however, I do think you can get through it. And emerge stronger as a result. And yes, I do think betrayal can trigger PTSD symptoms. If that is the case with you, I hope you're getting help to deal with it. I certainly experienced it and thought that I would never stop being so jumpy and anxious and frightened all the time. But with help and healing, I'm much, much better. It still comes out at times...but I have the tools to handle it so it tends to retreat.
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll recover too. It's no way to live life.
It’s been 8 months since my D-Day, and I’ve experienced a full range of both predictable & unpredictable emotions. My situation was further complicated because the OW is/was a family member (sister-in-law). The seduction (she pursued my husband) took place within 2 months following the death of her partner (my husband’s brother). While my husband played a role, I have chosen to forgive him simply because I know his character... I saw changes in his demeanor which in retrospect showed me he was experiencing a strong degree of guilt. HER behavior on the hand, in addition to the things she said to lure him in, indicate to both my husband & I the extent to which she was willing to go to “steal him”. The line which she used on him that still gets me to this day: “If I didn’t know your marriage were rocky, I wouldn’t try to break it up.” Forgiving her is part of my personal path to healing... but I will never trust her again. Just as I know my husband’s character, my husband & I also know her’s... she has consistently demonstrated manipulative & controlling tendencies throughout the course of our marriage.
ReplyDeleteI think the greatest challenge in dealing with this situation has been mourning not only the loss of my husband’s brother, but mourning my relationship with her & the enormous sense of betrayal I feel from what can only be described as very selfish & calculating actions.
We sent her an email requesting no further contact within 48hrs of me finding out, however she continues to put forth requests, almost monthly, via my Mother-in-law (who has been very supportive of us in our decision to sever ties). At this point it feels like she just isn’t willing to let go. She keeps bringing up that we are “family”, yet during the seduction the importance of our “families” need's was the furthest thing from her mind. It took her 7 months to express to my Mother-in-law how guilty she feels for what she’s done to me, but I don’t buy it. I think she is saying what she thinks she needs to say in order to get what she wants.
To further complicate things she has a teenage son who is obviously in need of a male role model. Both my husband & I feel that under the circumstances he CANNOT fill these shoes (the only way he could have done that was if we got together with her & her son as a family, with our family: we have 2 young sons of our own). At this point neither of us wish to see her again (EVER) & we have also decided that we’re not ready to see her son: we feel that this would open the “flood gates” to further (persistent) requests from her. I know she is suffering through losing her partner of 20 years, but her pain does not supersede what she imposed on us.
I recently started a letter (it has since evolved into a lengthy essay, & may even become a short story! lol) to my Mother-in-law discussing our emotions & the reasoning behind our decisions to sever ties, this proved to be very therapeutic. I have not written to the OW, nor do I intend to because I don’t want to invite a response. I have found reading some of the letters/ responses on this blog very helpful... & I invite any feedback: negative or positive.
Wow. I think the fact that you're not in jail for homicide is testament to your incredible ability to be rational and forgiving.
DeleteIt sounds as if you've handled this as well as anyone could and I'm glad your mother-in-law is supporting you. Perhaps, though, she could stop issuing pleas on behalf of your sister-in-law. For now, it might be helpful to simply proceed as if this woman doesn't exist. While I'm sorry for her loss (and the loss to your nephew of his father), feeling pain doesn't give us licence to inflict it on others.
I'm glad the letter/essay/story you're writing is helping. It's incredible how valuable it can be to simply get our emotions out of our head and onto a page. That's what this blog has done for me and the therapeutic benefits are immeasurable, though my husband insists it keeps me "stuck in the past." On the contrary, I think it has allowed me to shed the past as much as possible and be in the present.
I'm glad you found us and hope you'll continue to post and share your experience. We benefit from each other's experience.
Elle
Hi elle.. I am so glad i stumbled upon this letter.. I really do not know what to do. I had forgiven my husband for having an affair with his co-worker. He has been working overseas for 2 1/2 years, we have a child who was staying with me. When I found out about his affair, I was so mad and hurt I wanted to die. I gave up communicating with him when he refused to come back to our country even after I found out about the OW. But 5 months ago, he contacted me again and begged to be taken back. Thinking of our daughter, (and though I cannot believe that I still love him somehow), I took him back. He is now staying with me.. A month ago I found out that I am pregnant again. I was overjoyed at having another blessing in our lives. However, I also found out that the OW was also carrying his child and about to give birth this month. I am such an emotional wreck right now. I really do not know what to do. I badly want to give this slut a piece of my mind...
ReplyDelete-kat
Kat,
DeleteI'm glad you found us, too. You're going through so much – and with a child and now pregnant. This is a time that you should be focusing on you and your growing family, NOT on his incredibly painful choices.
I'm not completely clear on the timeline, though. Was he still involved with this woman after telling you he was ready to come home? Or was she already pregnant before he broke it off with her?
You've got a helluva choice to make. On the one hand, you're carrying his child, who could no doubt use a father. On the other, I'm not convinced that inviting into your life exactly the man who's caused you so much pain is a great idea either.
If he did break it off with her, did he know she was pregnant? Is he sure it's his child? What does he want to do about it (if it's his child, of course, he'll have financial obligations)? All of this will likely affect what YOU want to do about it. And that question is the most important one of all.
It's not easy...but try and be still with yourself and figure out the age-old question: Are you better of WITH him...or WITHOUT him?
Hang in there. And please continue to post. We're here to support you, no matter what you do.
He broke off with the woman before he came home. He also knew about her pregnancy when they separated.. She was then 3 months pregnant. Although he seems pretty sure that she is carrying his child, he still chose to come home and ask for my forgiveness. However, he told me he wanted to provide for the child financially and it really pisses me off. I know he needs to support it since he is the father but it also means being in touch with the other woman as well.. After a lot of arguments on this issue, I decided to let him support his child but under one condition. I am the one who will send the money to this woman and in no way is he to contact her. Of course, I still feel doubtful. How can I ever trust him again? I do not want to break off our family...
DeleteI think you've come up with the best solution under the circumstances, though I'd be tempted to ask for a paternity test before he starts paying support. If the child is, in fact, his, then he's obligated (rightfully so) to support him/her. And though I know how excruciating that must be for you but I'm sure you know that the child is an innocent in all this and really does deserve to be supported.
DeleteAn ex-boyfriend of mine got a woman pregnant when we were dating (h'mmm...I seem to have an attraction to cads) and he has supported that child now for 15 years while having nothing to do with her emotionally. Frankly, I think that must be incredibly hard for the child; however, it's what works for my ex and his family.
It's far from an ideal situation...but I think your solution is wise.
As for whether you can ever trust him again?? You can't. You never could. The sad truth is that none of us can ever truly trust another. But we can trust that we can take care of ourselves when/if someone ever does treat us badly. And many people won't. But the wake-up call in all of this is that none of us can ever control another person – we can only hope that they can control themselves and make choices that don't hurt others.
And, with time, you will begin to relax (as long as he does the hard work of restoring your faith in him by being transparent, honest and supporting you while you heal). But a casualty of betrayal is that absolute conviction that another won't hurt you. I often feel as if I lost some of my innocence and optimism...but it has come back to a certain extent. And part of that is knowing that I now have the courage to take care of myself.
Elle
Yes, my husbands coworker/ f-buddy Heather Bush requested that I friend her on facebook. I didn't want to because we,weren't really friends( mostly because I had a strong dislike for her and her loud personality, and because she was almost always dismissive and rude to me) but he said it would make things uncomfortable for him at work! I complied, but started pointing out how ridiculous and self centered her numerous posts were. Also, that I couldn't see how he could even tolerate her,( they were " friends" at work..) Soon after, I noticed that we were no longer friends on Facebook, he must have mentioned my negative comments, she said her daughter had gotten into her profile and ,"accidentally deleted me".. Whatever, it was a relief at the time, because, as I stated before, we were NOT friends! Now that I know about their affair,her rudeness to me is explained. But the facebook thing is just creepy! While we were "friends", I was able to read some of her sad posts and view her endless selfies that were a never ending ploy for attention and praise. Looking back, that period of time is just another red flag and " I told you she was an attention whore/ oh, and also real whore!",moment that I have to work at containing. Still am considering calling her husband to let him know all that has happened. She had the nerve,( before my husband confessed) to have her husband call mine, in order for them to, " handle things", after I had tried to contact her regarding the amount of contact I had problems with BEFORE I knew about the affair! This was her way of intimidating and flipping off my husband I guess. He was still lying and trying to smooth things over at that point... Wonder how her husband will feel now?!!
DeleteElle, I want to thank you for publishing your letter and for starting this website. I will join in the very near future. I'm 8 months out from "D-Day" and it has been the worst thing I have ever been through. I've some of your other posts as well and, while I hate that there are other amazing women out there who have had to endure this pain, I am so grateful for those of you (us) who are able to articulate it so well. I see from the age of the posts that this will last a life time, although I feel hope (also from reading the posts) that it gets manageable. My husband and I are working it out with the help of a therapist and I'm so grateful at least to have his commitment to rebuilding our relationship after what happened. There is no help like the experience of other women who have endured this pain though. Thank you for your strength and your amzzing grasp of literary expression! I'm still debating sending a letter to the (@&#)@ who inserted herself into my marriage, but like others who have posted, I don't want to open lines of communication. I know the first thing she would do is call my husband and that is a can of worms I can't fathom having to deal with. She's gone. That's all that should matter,but still I feel cheated out of telling her what a piece of crap she is. Anyway, thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so welcome. And I'm so sorry you need to be here...but glad you found us.
DeleteIt's tempting to want to unleash our vitriol on the Other Woman. And I'm not sure there's a right or wrong. From what I've experienced...and heard from others' experiences, chances are no matter how eloquently you articulate your disgust and assessment of her character, she'll never provide the satisfaction you're seeking by admitting that you're right. Instead, you're likely to be treated to details that you don't need to know...and that will only compound your pain. And by re-opening the lines of communication, you've pretty much invited her back in.
Many betrayed wives have written the letter...and then either burned it, or archived it, or otherwise relegated it to the past. It can be cathartic to simply put thoughts to paper. No-one need read it except you for it to still have the power to free you from rage.
And, if it's any comfort, she knows exactly what you think of her.
Elle
Loved this letter and if the OW didn't have a restraining order against me, I might just copy, paste and send! No...that's not true. I've come around to the idea that wasting energy on her just gives her power. Well, piss on that! She was only 24, my WH was 59 on DDAY 10/12/10. He worked her like the land to get just what he wanted, a fantasy world where he was young and worshipped. (swallowing hard!) She was young, dumb, cheap and needy, the perfect prospect for a man going through a wicked mid-life crisis.
ReplyDeleteNo...I won't contact her again. She found my blog. If she read it, she should get it. Not that she'll give damn.
http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/
You're right -- she'll either get it, in which case the world is spared the heartbreak of another OW who thinks she's entitled to a married man. Or she won't, in which case the best we can do is not waste any more time/energy on her. Ultimately, it's our husbands who made the decision they did and that were the ones who owed us loyalty.
DeleteElle
Hi,
ReplyDeleteMy husband was contacted by one of those sleesy sluts that pretend they are looking up old friends on the internet.I agreed like a fool for him to contact her and you guessed it they ended up together having an affair. He actually went interstate and spent 10 days wih her. The biggest laugh is she is 62 and he 65. He is 10 years older than me.I was devestated to say the least and it was totally unexpected.He is back home but inteding to leave in around 4 months once he sorts his business affairs out.They are still in contact and I have thought of writing a letter but a better idea would be starting a website and putting pictures up of these cheating bitches for all thier friends and family to see.My future with my kids and grandkids is completely destroyed with this slut I can't believe it could happen at my age. I will also suffer financially and probarbly loose my home.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
DeleteBut I'm curious why you're giving your husband four months so he can "sort his business affairs out". If he's going to leave, now is as good a time as any. I'd toss him to the curb...and take back your self-respect. Forget thoughts of revenge -- they'll just eat you up because you'll never feel as if you've exacted ENOUGH revenge. What's more, the people you often expect to be on your side aren't always. One of my best friends didn't support my anger at the other woman re. a severance payment (my husband's OW worked for him), which only compounded my pain.
Start treating yourself with respect...and insist that others do the same. And start by reminding him that he's made his decision...and then show him the door. It would be wise to take some time to get your own affairs in order beforehand – to determine what he owes you in terms of support, assets, etc. You might find you can keep your home but you'll only know that once you've spoken with a lawyer. Take control of the situation and don't play the victim.
Then, likely, thoughts of revenge will take a back seat to thoughts of the great life you're living without him. Your future with your children and grandchildren is still secure. You're not the one who's walking out. You can still enjoy your family...but I'd be very careful about making them "choose" a side. Let them love both of you...and simply be there to enjoy them. It's his loss.
Hang in there. It does get better.
I'm 3 years past D-Day and we are still together. I'm glad you suggest she start with a lawyer first before kicking him to the curb. I learned several things doing this - and it was hard. He was threatening divorce, the OW was encouraging divorce, but I wasn't looking for a divorce. Breaking down and seeing a lawyer was like admitting defeat. I sat in the car after work and cried for an hour....
DeleteThings I learned, though:
1) I live in a dower rights/no-fault divorce state - so he gets HALF of what I busted my butt to hand to someone else if we divorce. However, if HE initiates the divorce and I do not want it, it's not necessarily half-and-half.
2) Divorce favors the financially stronger partner, usually the man
3) LOOK for assets disappearing (fortunately, I did not find that)
4) Divorce is costly. The lawyer suggested I start a war chest. I asked "what are we talking, here?" and she said for most unconstested divorces, you're looking at $30,000 or more. Do YOU have that in savings? Or is that what's trickling away to the OW? She suggested setting up an account in your own name only, preferably where the spouse isn't known (i.e. Local bank where he can just walk right in and see it). He knows about the account...I told him when I felt we were stable enough, that money could go for ..tuition...an addition to the house...whatever, but I have $30K set aside for just-in-case (I told him, I WILL NOT be blindsided again).
The first (and most understandable reaction) *is* to kick him to the curb, but that may not be in YOUR best long term interest. In my case, I was working at the time and making a good wage, so the money didn't mean as much but it was adding insult to injury...splitting things in half because we divorced for other reasons was one thing, but having to give up half for HER benefit was another.
-HG
HG,
DeleteThanks for offering up your voice of experience. I know very little about the legal ins and outs of divorce/separation/reconciliation so I'm glad you chimed in.
Elle
Hi i just signed in and just opened a google account. I just want to check if my comment can be read by you guys so that I would be able to share my story and ask for your help.. thanks..
ReplyDeleteYep. Bring it on!
DeleteElle
Hi Elle,
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to see your site. I can see that I wasn’t alone in this journey and that somehow what I’m feeling was normal when being cheated. I need help because I am still confuse if I should send her this letter. I am telling you my story so that you can also suggest... Here goes my story:Warning: its a bit long.=)
I live in New Zealand for almost 4 years now. I have 2 wonderful children. An 11 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. To be honest, I would say my life was great before this infidelity happens. I was born and raised in the Philippines. I came to NZ to study Social Work and it took me 3 and ½ years to finish. I was a full time student. When we came here, it was just me and my husband for the first 2 ½ years. We left the children in the Philippines because we don’t want them to struggle with us while we are starting a new life totally independent from our parents.
When we thought that it was safe to bring the kids here, we went back to Philippines to take them with us. They arrive January 2011. So it was a complete family, having our own place, having to decide on our own without both side of the parents intervening. It was the year where we felt as a real family. 2011 was also my last year of my degree. It was also this year where major papers are taken and at the same time completing my placement/practicum. My husband was also the one providing us with the needs so he was working full time which he does sleepover shifts to attend the needs of people with intellectual disabilities. On one hand, I also have part time work because I am not the type of person where I would just sit and wait for the wage of my husband, I have always been working mom back in the Philippines after I finished my 1st degree. ( by the way, social work is my 3rd degree and the last degree, I hope). My husband does understand my point so he was alright that I have part time work.
However, during the middle of 2011, I have observed that he becomes close to this new staff that he was working with. She started working April 2011. She was an immigrant as well just like us, who comes from one of the country of Latin America. He made mention about her that he pities her because she was just starting to settle in NZ. So I said we’ll help her since we have the same status as immigrants. I also know how it feels to start a new life in a different country with no family. To cut the story short, they became very close. I observed my husbands odd behaviour,r like how he dress himself going to work. But I just didn’t bother because sometimes he can be like that. You see, my husband starts his work at 4pm till the next day 9am. So during the day he was off and the one doing the cooking for dinner and picking the kids from school. While I am at school during the day from 9 to 3pm Mondays to Fridays. He does the sleepover 8x a fortnight/2 weeks while I do 2 sleepovers a fortnight as my part time work. So in a fortnight, there were only 4 days that I could say we are a complete family yet, those days were not even weekend, it was weekdays. You can see its not healthy. So anyway, I confronted my husband about it and told him face to face that I feel jealous. And he said that I have nothing to worry and that they were just friends. Well I believed him at first but then you know “wife intuition” was so strong.
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ReplyDeleteI was really jealous of her. I felt that my husband has given her more attention than me. Although he texted me that he was with her helping her with this and that while I was in class. I can feel the pangs of pain. Then, I met her around july or august 2011, as we dropped her lasagne that was our lunch leftover and of course I was ok because my husband claimed that they were just friends. We invited her over to our house and she came to our house a few times for dinner. She offered she could look after our children while I am doing my placement/practicum on September to November. ( Since the kids will be home at 3 and I will be back by 5pm.) She said there are days where she was off and she can look after them just for a couple of hours if me and my husband would like a time off.
My doubts about them became very strong on September 2011 when they went to another place to watch rugby with her friend. I was so pissed off because it was my sleepover shift and he asked me to apply for leave and I felt that it was not appropriate for I only work once in a fortnight since I started my placement. He said he was the only person who knows how to get to that region. So I applied for leave even though I was so jealous about the whole situation. We had a fight on that day, I told him that what your doing makes me jealous..he kept on saying it was just on my mind and that there was nothing. More so when I saw their pictures in her facebook. I saw a picture that I felt their closeness was not just like friends and they seem so happy side by side. By the way we are not friends in facebook, it was only my daughter. She was also not friends with my husband.
However, during this time I felt me and my husband were drifting apart so I reached for him but it seems that he was pushing me away. I felt that I don’t know him at all. We always fight. He was always working and seemed to get more extra hours so there were times he was not at home for 2 weeks. He seemed different and complains a lot about the kids. The kids get affected because he always scolded them. The children were a bit scared of him. It seems that they don’t know their father or what a father was for, as we are just starting to have our own life. He was rarely present to our children and ended up scolding them. I kept on asking him whats wrong with you?
Our first Christmas as an independent family was all fake, for me. I just pretended to celebrate happily for my children. When he asked me what I want for Christmas, there were no words but just tears fell down my eyes. I could not stop crying and I told him it cannot be bought and I think its very difficult to give and said just your time for us. No matter how I tried to be happy. I wasn’t happy at all. I still have a gut feeling that something was going on. We prepared “noche Buena” which is a midnight dinner on 24 December. He went to her workplace to drop dinner for her as she was doing the sleepover. It was really heartbreaking for me but yeah he said she has no friends at this time of the year. It took him almost an hour, but when I texted him he immediately came back. I just kept quiet about my feelings. Because of my gut feeling I could not help but look into his phone and there I saw some messages from my husband “so where are we going to meet so that I can kiss and hug you”. It tore me apart. I confronted him he said that was nothing and he said she has a big problem.
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ReplyDeleteJan 13 2012. While I was trying to browse at our hard drive, our previous pictures, movies and music were stored in our hard drive, I happen to open every single folder and I saw their photos. I was so shocked. Photos that proved that my intuition was true. I don’t usually looked at our hard drive but something made me to check and have a look. My husband was doing the sleepover at that time and I saw the pictures at 12 midnight. I called him and called him names. I told him how could you? He came to the house immediately. I punched him several times. I felt that I could not breath, there were no good words that came out but just swearing at him. He said he wants to talk, but I kicked him and punched him. He said nothing happened it just stopped on that photo that I saw. He was so sorry.
I confronted the girl the next day I called her. She was shocked but she said that nothing happened. She said that at that time my husband did not tell her he was married when she knew, she said she told my husband that it was not right. Somehow I believed her but it made my life miserable. It turned my life upside down. But somehow it was a relief as well, because I almost believed that I have the problem such jealousy and insecurities or being paranoid. My intuition was TRUE.
My husband apologize and asked me to forgive him. He asked if we could start fresh. He said that I don’t have to worry for she would be returning to her home country. He said that she was denied of her visa. When I agreed to a fresh start, I felt that something was missing. I can sense that there was more because of my husband’s uneasiness. He looked weak and unsettled. His eyes were so deep that he looked like he wasn’t able to sleep well when he came home from work. But he constantly hugged me and says how much he loves me but I usually don’t reply. I just smile or nod. I don’t feel saying it to coz I felt that I am not happy.
After the seeing the photos, I was depress for almost a month but I continued to pray and went to visit our church. And it was January 14, the Pastor just said “did you know what this year is for us?” then he continued, “ it’s the year of miracles, year for relationship that God will do miracles in our relationship” I was shocked. The pastor discussed on how to build and restore relationship. I was enlightened. I felt that God was talking to me and showing me what to do. Somehow, I told myself that I can do this.I kept a journal and wrote everything that I want to say. I said to myself, I am a social worker why can’t I help myself? Whats the purpose of my degree if would not be able to apply it to myself. I tried to reflect on my previous conversation with my husband on how he partly blamed me for what he has done. I told myself, “you have been so busy preparing yourself for the future of your family, this time its time to take care of yourself.
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ReplyDeleteI kept myself busy and since my children have their own bicycles I might as well jog with them. And I did. I realised that it makes me feel tired and I was able to sleep early and longer. I like the feeling of catching my breath every time I try to push myself with jogging. And when I reached my destination, I felt good coz I was able to achieve something for myself. When I try to catch my breath, hear the sound of my heart pounding, I found out that I began to appreciate the beauty around me such as the swaying of the branch of the trees, the smell of the cut grass or trees, the people around if we are in the park and of course my children cycling. I realised that in life I need to stop and look around me and appreciate things around me. It was rejuvenating. With these, I was looking for it that I went out to jog at least almost every day. . I feel so active after jogging. (As January and February in NZ is summer so there is no school for my children. )So it was me and my children while my husband was working. We enjoyed it, I became very close to my children emotionally. I decided to move on because of them. But at the same time regularly going to church and took in what the Pastor said during the service.
I decided to join the Auckland 8.2k run on18 March . So I busied myself with training between mid February until the week of the run. I called my mates and we all joined. But since my husband was trying to win me back, he came along and it was fun I can sense that he was really trying to make up because he was always at my side and he asked his manager to cut down his work hours specially his sleepover. He joined us going to church. He helped with the chores at home and he was physically and emotionally present to our children. He also joined the 8.2 k run. But I distant myself from him because I can feel that he was hiding something because sometimes when we argue specially about the photos, he would tell me I shouldn’t be insecure because nothing happened and that part of it was my fault too coz I have no time for him.
Anyway, I finished the 8.2k run for 63 minutes and they said it was a good time for a first timer. But I did not stop there, I still carried on with my running regularly specially every time the pain just strikes. If the weather is not good, I do zumba. To be honest, I never felt great about myself. I know I have lost weight because of what happened but at least people knew that I have been running so they would not be surprised if I lost weight.
The most exciting was SKYDIVING 12000 feet on 26 March 2012. I actually did it. It was awesome. I have always been afraid of heights but with what I’ve been through, it was nothing. Of course my husband also did it. We skydived together but for the people who saw our jumped at facebook, they all said I was enjoying it while my husband was the one scared. I was just smiling. I felt that I was able to scream all my emotions. Then I realised that I can do this. I was empowered and I felt confident hence, I was determined to move on without him. I planned to tell him that after his parents visit that I am no longer happy and I want out. So I decided to remain a good wife so that when we separate he would miss the things I do for him.
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ReplyDeleteBut my plans were not achieved because somehow I felt that God guided me all the way. 24 April my husband confessed that he got her pregnant. It was a painful thing to hear but I guess the Holy Spirit was with us. I just cried and cried and didn’t say a word unlike my reactions when I saw the photos. Maybe because I have a feeling that she was pregnant because I happened to see a compilations of baby music that was newly downloaded on Jan 2012. But I was afraid to ask him. And I guess I was just too tired. I guess I have already planned to leave but yeah I was so tired of everything. He cried like baby, he was trembling when he told me everything. He said that there was no way that he can hide what he has done because for sure it would haunt him in the future.He also said that he didn’t want me to hear it from anyone but him. He also told me that they both wanted to end the affair but it was too late because she fell pregnant . It was November 2011 of last week they knew she was pregnant. But the affair have already stopped early in November or late in October. When they knew she was pregnant my husband said to abort it while there was still time but she was scared. She said she would keep the baby. So my husband did all he could to convince her to go home, he did not literally told her but he showed her options like she would be better off with her family. Giving birth in NZ was also expensive for she was not a resident. She said that she would stay but far from us but still my husband tried to do everything he could to assure her that he would be there for her so that she would go home. Eventually she went home. She left 28 February 2012. My husband told me that she contacted him last March and told him that they’re having a boy. It was so hard for me to take it. My husband said from this day , he would be completely honest with me. What ever he did, said and given to her while she was here was to save our marriage. He said he would not do it again and never! And he placed his right hand on top of the bible and renewed his vows. He told me that he was asking God for signs on when to tell me the truth.
On the same day when he confessed, I could not believe that I was able to forgive him on that day. I guess it was how my God has guided. Because before his confession, I can really see that he was trying to make up. He became a different man, a better person. Although, I cried for a couple of weeks after his confession but since his parents were still in NZ, I was able to run my pain for 2 straight weeks except weekends. I was able to think rationally and was looking not only about me but as well as my children’ future. I have to admit that there was also a time that I wanted to go away and when I did my car didn’t work. The second time my son got sick and the third was when I was driving I questioned God “I am so confused I need help” then all of sudden infront of me were a family who were cycling. Mum, dad and 2 children almost the same age as my children. It was one of our dreams to do when we are settled with our residency that we would cycle together. I just cried. I went back and he begged not to leave because he said he doesn’t know how long the space I would want. It might be forever and he does not know what to do.
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ReplyDeleteSince his parents were here at that time, he also told his parents and cried. I can really see that he was remorseful. Before his parents left, he had a talked with his dad. I asked him what his dad told him. His dad said to guide me because sometimes his dad can see me that I am a bit confused and lost. He also said to love your wife.
I asked my husband to write a letter to her stating that I already know and she needs to know where her position is in our relationship. My husband agreed and he said he wanted a letter that would end their communication. We manage to search some no contact letter and made some changes to make it more personal. We sent it to her on 22 May. And she replied after 2 days. When my husband was about to press send, he said that” I hope this will somehow ease your pain and to let you know how much I love you and I will do anything to restore our relationship.”
Here was his letter.
I prayed to the Lord to give me strength in telling you this. I know both of us has faults and it has hurt many people specially my wife, my family and your family.
I have been completely honest with (BS) about everything. The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. I hurt my wife, who did not deserve to be treated that way. While I know I cannot repay (BS) for the pain that I caused but I am committed and determined to save our marriage not because of our children but because I love her. I am going to work hard to be the best husband that she. She has given me a second chance and I don’t want to jeopardise the chance she has given to me.
Whatever the plans we had will not happen. I have been consumed with guilt and has affected my relationship with my wife and my children. I cannot live with mountains of lies, a sinful and deceitful life. I am sorry to have caused you pain and I hope that in time your will forgive me.
Then he left her with a verse from Jeremiah 29.11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
The letter was almost like this but there were couple of sentences I forgot. He left a verse because she is Latina and a Catholic so he felt it would scare her.
She replied that (after we read her response, we deleted it and this was what I can recall)
• She cannot believed it was him who wrote the letter and asked him “ what type of person is he?
• She said its not necessary to be cruel
• She said that if he would have been clear with her in the first few weeks of knowing him that it would end up like this.
• She also mentioned that “ I told you that I would suffer this alone after knowing you in the first few weeks.”
• She said that good on him to make up with his family and that is pure love
• She could not believe that all he told her were lies
• She said “ you completely destroyed my life”
• “you just hurt me and made fun of me”
• “ I will leave you even if my feelings for you are still the same”
• She also said “ all the best to the woman you really love”
• Then she left with a last question “ what is your responsibility to our baby”
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ReplyDeleteI asked my husband about the baby but he said he do not want to be part of the baby because he felt he is not happy. I guess it reminded him of the pain he caused to his family. My husband didn’t reply and decided not to reply. He also said that I already prayed to God and He knowswhat my heart desires. He also added that he is not even thinking about them, he is focus in rebuilding our relationship and making up with our children.
After reading her reply, I wanted to send her a letter but my husband said that maybe it is not good to reply to her as it might get worst. But I felt that I need to response to her claims that my husband completely destroyed her life. Just recently I told my husband that I have drafting a letter for her and he didn’t say a word. He also did not say no. But I told him that I don’t know if I need to send it or not. I have been searching for letters and some of the thoughts in my letter were from letters of wives that has the same experience as mine. Her reply was on 24 May.
So I here is my letter to her. It has been changed several times.
To the Other Woman,
What made me write this letter was your response to my husband’s letter. He showed me his letter to you and your response. I can sense your anger and bitterness towards him. But what struck me was you telling him “ you completely destroyed my life and you killed me.” If it hurts you that much, what would you call my pain? It was beyond words. Nobody in their right mind would want to wish this to anyone.
If you could recall, our first introduction was at your workplace, I am sure you remember meeting me the first time. We dropped by at your workplace (sometime in July 2011) as you were doing your shift and gave you lasagna along with my two children who were at the back of the car. I guess by that time you knew we are a family. I invited you over to our place a couple of times for dinner, you came and I befriended and welcomed you. You offered to look after my children while I was doing my placement for the reason that my husband was your friend. (by the way that time I have a gut feeling you were both having an inappropriate relationship or shall I say illicit affair. You can recall that month.) That is what you often told me that you were willing to help because he was your friend. You even suggested that you could look after our children if we wanted to have time off. Remember, after I confronted you about the pictures, you said nothing happened and that he was just your friend. You even told me that you would talk to him to help our relationship. Moreover, you told me that you were not interested in him and that you were not looking for a man because you have a boyfriend back home. You also told me that he was your ONLY FRIEND that you could trust with your tax refund as you are flying back to your country. Yet, when you were with him. You were not just a friend but you wanted him too. My husband also told me that you were just friends during the times I confronted him about you. I guess he did not tell you that we had a huge fight about him going with you to that rugby game. I often wondered what kind of friendship you guys had? So if you looked at the story here, I was the one wronged and backstabbed here. If there’s someone who should be angry and bitter, it should be me.
Letter to the other Woman continued on page 8...
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ReplyDeleteI know you sympathized with each other, lamented about your lives and found solace in each other’s open dialogue and support. You supported each other and thought of no one but yourselves and your twisted, demented selfish desires. If you feel you have been used (physically, emotionally) to gratify his needs when he was away from us and alone, you have to admit you were a willing partner. It takes two to tango. You knew from the start that he was a married man. You cannot just blame it on him. (according to your letter, you said “after a few weeks of knowing him that, you would suffer this alone) so honestly, you really had that coming. You made a choice as well. Your choice was to act on your feelings and romantic fantasies above anything/anyone else rather acting on your compassion.
There is nothing good with having an illicit affair, as the act itself is cruel. It destroys lives, families, future and relationships. He has gone through hell as well. I have never seen a man so lost, so weak and looking like he was carrying the world. I hold him equally responsible, and have discussed this at length with him. He also got his fair share of pain. Just so you know, in January 2012, he felt like we were distant from him, had lost a bond he had with us and he did not know where to position himself or where to start. So if you claim that, he has destroyed your life, well here’s what he lost: his family and his wife’s trust. He blamed himself for everything. He screwed up and he took for granted what he cherished. The bad choices he made pulled him down, which still causing him so much pain. This pain makes him feel he wishes it had all just been a bad dream or if he could turn back time he would not have done it.
Trust has been broken, when you get married or if you get married you will understand what trust is. Trust, like love, can't be smelled, touched, or tasted, and yet it has massive power. Although it is invisible to our eyes, it is evident in our hearts. You can't have successful relationships without trust. Trust take years to build but can be shattered in seconds. I have known him for 12 years and I know when he lies and when he tells the truth and I know if his sincere or not.
I lost more than "trust" ,I felt that I lost my husband to the man he had became.... So if you think he killed you, well, the affair turned my life upside down. The trauma is almost unbearable and permanently scarring. I lost the one person that should have always been there for me, to support me, to love me, to protect his home, to comfort his family and to care for me. He was consumed with the temptations of evil that he totally forgot his loved ones. In fact, I felt that he was not the person I married. He was so different. So I guess you have known a different person and yes, you have the right to question, what type of person was he?
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ReplyDeleteIf you have been a wife you would know what wife intuition is. In the middle of 2011, I knew there was something going on with both of you but I just kept quiet and observed. I confronted my husband about it but he said you were just friends, I just accepted his response but deep in my heart, I could feel that there was more going on. I don’t want to add more pressure in my life as I was also trying to do and pass all my assignments , be a mum, be a part time worker, be a full time student and a wife. But you know what I prayed for both of you. I just constantly pray, pray and pray. Because I know my God sees and my God cares. I took all my doubts, pain and troubles to the Lord. I entrusted Him with my feelings and with what was happening in my life . I offered everything to Him. I asked that if my gut feeling was true then I would leave it in His hands and to deal with it and prayed that He would guide me on this journey. And if I am wrong, I asked Him to forgive me and take away all the evil thoughts. And yes my God answered my prayer. From doubts, to gut feelings, to evidence of photos, to your confrontation that did not coincide with my husband’s details, through to my husband’s odd behaviours in a bid to cover up what was going on between the two of you. And during our meeting at a service user’s flat and coffee shop, I could see the look in your eyes and the uneasiness both of you and my husband felt in my presence. It was a painful journey. Yes, it was devastated at first and paralyzed to the core.
But I told myself I cannot put up with this emotions anymore. More lies unfolding, trust is not there and most of all I am not secure and happy about our relationship. He knows me too well that whether I will tell him or not, he knows what my plans are. I am determined to move on without him. I felt that all was failing but I still took refuge in my God because I know that my God will stand by me when all else fails. I laid everything to Him, I believe that if something bad happens God will restore me two times or seven fold for what I have lost. He will heal my pain and restore me and make me better person than I was before. He will help me forgive only so that I can be free. I know that it may not happen today, but one day I will be so happy that I will never remember the hurt and be able to forget the pain just like as waters gone by.
My God gave me strength and He works in mysterious ways. I thank God for the confession he made God heard my prayers. My husband had the audacity of telling me the truth which he could have denied since you had already left. It takes a courageous man to tell the truth and acknowledges that what he has done was terribly wrong. It was very painful to hear about the result of the affair but I preferred to be hurt with the truth than being confronted with lies specially when you sense that he was still hiding something.
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ReplyDeleteGod is doing wonderful and marvellous things in our relationship. My God helped me to decide about our relationship by reminding me the love that me and my husband once had. My husband was also doing his best to revive the good memories we had and I realised that me and my husband built a relationship that has a solid ground of love. This love was not a fantasy nor was a love that just happened because of being lonely, vulnerable or the kindness of the other person showed. A love that gave us the purpose in life that involves struggling, enduring and accomplishing together.
Hence, I chose to accept everything. It was a painful process, never easy. But I chose to accept the fact it already happened and there’s nothing I can do to change it. Everybody makes mistakes, and we all deserve second chances. I chose to forgive my husband, despite all the lies. When I put all the puzzle together and asked him questions and answered me honestly. I realised that he lied for good reasons and he said was to save to our marriage. More so, he admitted that because he was away from God, he easily fell into the temptations and learned that he does not want to live a life full of lies that made him into a person that he does not want to be. I can see his sincerity, guilt and remorse. He knows that he still needs to work out to be trustworthy again.
Despite of this ordeal, I still thank God for this experience because it made me stronger than ever and uncovered things that I didn’t realise that I am capable of doing. I will never allow this misfortune to control my life. Two people building a life and family together is so much more important that our own selfish desires. This experience has broadened my perspective in life and I hope it does for you.
No matter what revelations I accidentally discover in relation to your affair, I will not feel the same pain as I did before. I am confident that my God will be my fortress and pavilion and when pain strikes again my husband is there to comfort/reassure me. Moreover, no matter what happens I can look back at this experience feeling tall and proud because I have overcome the most devastating emotional turmoil of my life where my dignity and integrity still intact.
END
My apologies my story is quite long..i guess i thought i could at least help other wives to be resilient.
So what do you guys think? Thanks heaps
Brave Wife,
DeleteYou are indeed brave! Jumping out of airplanes?? Wow. And I love how you got to scream out your pain on the way down. :)
I think the letter you've written to the Other Woman is incredibly compassionate and honest. But I nonetheless don't think you should send it. I'm not sure what your husband's legal responsibilities are to this child but if he wants no relationship with this woman or his child then you should simply stick to NO Contact at all. If she needs to contact him regarding legal responsibilities or financial responsibilities, then let her make the move. I wouldn't give her anything in the form of communication from you beyond what has already been sent. It's tempting, I know. And I think you've shown incredible restraint. But to expect others to think like you (keeping in mind she's capable of being dishonest and self-serving) is naive.
I think you've done incredibly well at putting your life back together and I give you enormous credit for all the good you've done for yourself...which is no doubt partially responsible for keeping your head on straight. It's hard for betrayed wives to take care of themselves when such a crisis hits...but it's exactly what can get us back on solid ground.
Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.
Elle
Hi Elle,
ReplyDeleteYeah, 60% tells me not to send it. Thats why I was hesitant to send it. Since the letter my husband sent, there was no communication at all. My husband is a carefree man again like leaving his mobile phone anywhere in the house. He seems at ease now and constantly on guard when he felt that I am sad.
Thanks for your advice Elle. It is nice to hear from someone who has similar situation as mine. What makes me smile and grateful in the whole situation is that my family is happier now. I have gained confidence in myself, my relationship with my husband grows stronger each day. I guess knowing that she knows that I know everything is enough for me, because I am pretty sure she feels embarrassed and shame about the whole thing. I know the baby has no faults but for her its a lifetime reminder of her relationship with a married man.
I wont be sending the letter, but I will still keep as need arise. She will be giving birth this month, just in case there will be a communication that is not good, then I will send it.
Thanks Elle.
Cheers,
Brave wife
I think that's a wise approach.
DeleteAnd I'm so glad that you've been able to create something stronger out of such pain. You're the model for betrayed wives everywhere to take charge of their own lives -- to start living in a way that ensures that, no matter what the outcome, you'll be just fine. So that's my new advice to betrayed wives everywhere -- start running races and jumping out of planes!! :)
Elle
Hi Elle,
ReplyDeleteregarding the letter, I found a comment that sometimes it depends on the situation where we are in? You see, we knew each other and when I confronted her about the photos, we met in a food court and talked. It was two educated women talking and nothing violent happened. Then she told me that she was going home because she felt that the doctors here in NZ cannot help her at all. So she decided to go home but of course the reason was she was pregnant. Then before she left, my husband said that they decided not to tell me about something happened and there is a baby. I even gave her quotes in text to hang in there and of she needs someone to talk to I am here..can you imagine that?!..so yeah I am now confused again..and also when she replied she had it CC to another's email add. which I beleievd that does not know the whole story..
That, of course, is a big part of the problem with dealing with any of the Other Women – they're clearly capable of dishonesty. Which means the normal rules of friendship or even civility don't really apply. We're expecting them to behave in a certain way...so get easily blindsided when they continue to lie and deceive. It's the main reason I think cutting off any contact is the wisest thing to do. It's too painful otherwise.
DeleteElle
Yeah you are right. Like what you said we have overcome it through self respect, dignity and with class. I also like the part when said that why we decided to stay because of course for our own personal reasons but you said that it takes courage and conviction to stay in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteHey have you got any books that you would suggest me reading about? Like maybe something positive stories about real life betrayed wives and how they have overcome it. I actually copy and paste your Reagan letter to his son and showed it to my husband. He said it was so wonderful and he said he was right. Then he said that the greatest battle in life is to win back the trust that you have broken.What I think about the letter is to keep this letter and when our children gets married I would like to give them this letter. thanks
xx
Brave wife
Yes, it's a great letter!
DeleteFunny you should ask about books. I'm a writer who's working on a book with a friend of mine (also a betrayed wife and professional writer) that is a collection of stories by betrayed wives. It's currently sitting with my agent – fingers crossed she takes it on and it finds a publisher. I'l keep you posted.
In the meantime, I read Back From Betrayal (good, but not great) when I first found out. Not much else on the shelves, which is why I want to get my collection of stories out.
Elle
I have been trying to look for books here and guess Im unlucky. Its usually books that says surviving infidelity. I would like books that is written by an author who have also experienced it. but anyway, your book, Wow thats exciting..please keep me posted..guess you have to ship one of those to NZ..
ReplyDeletexx
I hoping I'm not treading on turf where I don't belong, but I am a betrayed spouse (husband), and except for the reversed genders, this is exactly the letter I would love to have sent to the OM. At the very least, I can imagine sending it to him. Part of me would love to hear his reply. Part of me wants to send it to make myself feel better with the hopes he wouldn't reply, because I imagine I wouldn't like his reply. Regardless, thank you for putting into words the feelings and thoughts I had but couldn't adequately articulate.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I had been married about 7 years. He took a job two hours away. We put our house on the market and moved there. After a year of not being able to sell our home I moved back with the kids. The company my husband worked for was financially unstable (and has since gone under). We lived with the threat of him losing his job almost from the time he took it. So with that looming over our heads we didn't think it would be wise to have another mortgage payment. So he got an apartment and was commuting home one weekends. Before I left though I noticed a change in my husband's attitude and our relationship. It seemed as though he was working 24/7. He grew distant and lost interest in me and really the whole family. He started being uncharacteristically mean and picking fights with me. I sadly attributed it to the chaos of our situation and the general unhappiness of his job. Instead it was an 18 month affair with a woman who worked for him. I actually met the OW on Christmas Eve.(pre-affair but I think she'd already had her sights set on him.) My husband was the district manager of the company so I made a meal to take in for all the employees. At the time I felt she was rude to me. She was too busy to be bothered and didn't even come into the room. Red flag #3. My husband was so out there I really thought he was losing his mind. I was concerned he was suicidal. He made comments to that effect. Then one weekend after I expressed my unhappiness and unwillingness to live like that...he blurted out that he wanted a divorce. So I said, "OK...GET OUT then!" Well within 5 minutes he recanted and instead said he wanted to be separated. I was thinking, aren't we already separated about 80% of the time? I checked phone records and there were hundreds of texts between him and her. When I confronted husband he said they were work related. He had never been untrustworthy before, In fact, I honestly don't think he had ever lied to me before that, so I took everything at his word. I guess I wanted to believe him. Because we have six kids (yes six) it was hard for me to get away. I only went to his apartment right after he moved in. He acted annoyed that I was there and made me feel so bad I never tried to go back. Very effective tactics he used. It's hard to believe I let this go on for 18 months. I started going to a counselor at our church because I was just feeling so hopeless about the relationship and he refused to go. I'll never forget after I explained (a fraction) of what was going on to the counselor. She looked at me and said, "I've seen this a thousand times. Your husband is most likely having an affair. I think you need to go see a divorce attorney so that you can know how to protect yourself." I still didn't believe he was cheating butI made an appointment with an attorney. When husband found out I went to attorney he suddenly wanted to go to counseling with me.
ReplyDeletePart 2: During the 3rd visit he dropped the bomb on me and confessed in a tear-laden 2 page letter he read aloud. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the DEVESTATION he unleashed on me. He said he was sorry and it was the biggest mistake of his life. He said he wanted to save the marriage and it was over with OW. It took me several weeks to decide that I wanted to try to work things out. He did many of the right things. He was patient for the most part. I made him take me to his apartment. He had some of her things there: tennis shoes, a couple of shirts hanging up in the closet, toothbrush, and of all things, a cookbook! The OW had stalked me on Facebook and took a picture I had posted of my 4 year old daughter on Santa's lab. She got it blown up and framed it for him as a gift. Then I went into his bedroom. Instead of the twin bed I had bought for him there was a queen bedroom set, pictures of NY Yankees (he doesn't even like them) and new bedding. She bought all of that for him as a surprise for his birthday. I could go on about all the ways she tried to ingratiate and manipulate. Everytime he tried to extract himself from the relationship she threatened to tell me. He finally decided the only way we could try to salvage our marriage was to come clean himself. It has been 18 months since I found out about the affair. OW called him after six months even with a no-contact request. I have been keeping track of this woman because I feel that she will always be a threat. I know that she can truly only be a threat if my husband let's her be but she's got nothing to lose unlike him. So last week I found out OW has moved to my town. She has no reason to be here, knows nobody but us here. Husband denies having knowledge of her moving here or why she would be here. (why else??) Because he has violated my trust I can't believe him even though I want to. However, I don't see any evidence of anything going on. He hasn't been acting differently or been sneaking around. This dumb bitch is making me feel violated all over again. Seriously WTF is she thinking by moving here? Is this just her way of tormenting me because she's the big loser? Husband says even if our marriage failed he wouldn't want to be with her. I'd love to believe him. What do you do when you can't trust your own instincts? This sucks. We can't just uproot our family and move from her. What should I do?
ReplyDeleteHi Sara,
DeleteI think you do exactly what you've been doing. Yes, it sucks. It's a long road to "healed". And your feelings of wanting to trust him but knowing that he's proven to be untrustworthy are completely normal. In fact, everything you're going through – even the stalking OW – is, sadly, "normal". By that I mean it's far too common.
She sounds a bit wacked...but I don't know of too many women who knowingly sleep with married men (and a father of six!) who aren't somewhere on the spectrum from a tad nuts to a total bunny boiler. So I think your instincts are dead on about her motives. But that doesn't make you a victim.
Your husband needs to remain totally transparent – you need access to his phone records, e-mail, texts, Facebook, whatever. By checking in any time you feel the need – and hopefully discovering that he's being honest and honorable – you'll slowly feel that knot in your stomach dissolve. You may never have blind trust again...but that's okay. And by having faith that you're in this together – and that this stalking OW is an enemy of the marriage – you'll rebuild a sense of faith in each other and be able to dismiss this woman (who hopefully won't stick around too long once she sees it's hopeless) as a bad memory.
None of this is easy, of course. And it takes a long time. And there are lots of steps backward. But as long as you're both truly committed to making your marriage work – and he's willing to earn back your trust – it can be done.
So hang in there. Keep on doing what you're doing. Try and stop thinking about her at all. The whole photo of YOUR child as a gift from her is just plain crazy. So let her take her crazy somewhere else and do your best to ignore her. She was nothing more than a distraction when your husband was vulnerable.
Feel free to keep posting here. We're always happy to guide others along.
Elle
Here is one more opinion to add... I found it very beneficial to contact the "other woman." This creature found my husband on FB and proceeded to bombard him with texts, emails gifts cards- all under the guise of "reconnecting"- the last time they saw each other was when they were 12!! Please. I never realized how pathetically sad some women are- she's 46 years old now and made my husband a collage. Yes, a collage. A cut and paste of her hometown to show him all the things they could do together if he would fly across country and meet up with her. Well, I found the collage. That is when I asked my husband, "which one of the children made you this?" because it looked like a 12 year old made it. He then confessed about this "friend" who he had been communicating with for 2 years. I knew about her, but not the extent she was contacting him. Well you can bet I ordered the phone records and holy cow! She was texting him morning noon and night. My husband is only lucky the phone records showed for every text he wrote, she wrote 20. But it was still inappropriate. He knew that boundaries were being crossed. Without a second thought I found her address on the Internet, and sent the collage to her husband with a nice note about emotional affairs. I let her know her invasion into my life was not appreciated and basically to scram! My husband followed that up with an email saying she was a true narcissist and that she would never hear from him again. She wrote me back and was sure ticked off that I had sent her husband that collage - but do I care? No. It felt great to alert her husband to what he's married to, it felt great to send her packing, and I felt a modicum of control in an otherwise very out of control situation. I believe FB is dangerous and I believe emotional affairs are every bit as damaging as physical affairs. It has been a rough year but we have both learned a lot and are on a good path now, but ladies let me tell you, I cried everyday for 8 months. It felt so terrible to know an outsider had been able to infiltrate a really great relationship . He said it was like quicksand, it happened so fast from friends catching up, to her sharing very personal information to daily communication. FB users - beware!
ReplyDeleteAnon,
DeleteThank-you so much for sharing your story. A collage?? Wow.
Glad your husband got his head on straight. And kudos to you for taking back the control you could. I think you handled it with dignity and strength.
I hope you'll continue to comment and share your experience to help others through this.
Elle
Yes, it is incredible what how some women can compartmentalize their inappropriate behavior and continue to pretend they are being faithful to their," current" spouse. I say current because like many of the stories I have read on here, most of the woman my husband chose to become involved with had many spouses and were also cheated on themselves. His first whore/ affair partner, named Cara continued to contact him even after her latest marriage. I think her current husband should be aware of this. Any advice?
DeleteI'm a guy, but I assure you that the pain of infidelity does not respect gender boundaries. And that it can and will surface again from time to time. My wife and I have been back together 7 years and it still can and does come back to the surface. As it happens It just resurfaced again for me and I took the time to write the OM a letter. I am sharing it below in order to give others insight into the feelings that go along with infidelity even years afterwards.
ReplyDeleteIt has taken 10 years for me to be able to write this letter. Up until now I have been far too angry to be able to properly express myself.
I know what you did. I know that you groomed my wife, at work, to become a casual sex partner even before we were separated. You took advantage of the fact that, at the time, our marriage was having problems. You courted a married woman and committed adultery with her. You KNEW what you were doing.
She happens to be an extremely warm, trusting and naive person, she was always easy prey for a predator like you and she ultimately believed that there was a chance for a real relationship with you. The problems that we were having at the time gave you extra leverage. "Friends with benefits" isn't and never was her style. She fell for your game and left me, to take up with you. Well, eventually she woke up and realized that she wanted to come home. It took a long time but fortunately, this was still what I wanted also and we have gone on to rebuild our marriage.
One of the first steps in rebuilding trust is for each to admit to the other exactly what happened IN DETAIL, so, needless to say, I know everything.
I know the things you did in the bedroom, and you absolutely disgust me. Not only do you sleep with the wives of other men, you are a selfish, manipulative bastard. Men like you give the rest of us a bad name. You took a woman away from a man who loved her deeply and wanted her to come home just so you could add a notch to your bedpost. You are a vulture preying on women who are vulnerable, just to satisfy your own perverted desires.
I have been able to piece enough together to recognize that you are a womanizer, most times keeping company with more than one woman. You are a homewrecker and this isn't your first rodeo. She needed a friend, someone she could talk to, someone she could trust outside of her family. You were the only friend she had in (city she worked in and moved to). I still can't believe that you would take advantage of a time when she was emotionally devastated to begin a sexual relationship. To do that under the guise of being a friend, now that's a predator, not a friend and certainly not trustworthy. It was only 2 1/2 months into the separation and the day that the children had decided to live with me. She was an emotional mess. You sure played her and guaranteed that the first time wouldn't be forgotten.
What you did is branded in my mind and the feelings that go with it have resurfaced because of unresolved issues. These issues stem from the fact that I never ever made you face what you have done. I am not willing to let you just walk away scott free. I'm sure for a guy like you, it's was much easier to cut the grass of some guy who means nothing to you than it would have been to do it to someone that you know. Even the fact that there were children involved didn't slow you down. Well, I never stopped loving my wife and I was there for her all of the way through it. Ultimately she came to realize that you were just a shallow bastard who was using her for sex. To put it bluntly she was never going to have a key to the place, not even from the beginning. Heck, she never even made it into the master bedroom. You completely exploited her and you are the worst kind of pig.
The last time that you called was because you saw me pick her up at the gate. I KNOW you did, it was too much of a coincidence. You wanted to see if she was still available. I couldn't believe you had the nerve. That call came when she and I were sitting together on the couch. She asked me to trust her to tell you to go away forever, rather then for me to answer the phone. She lived up to it and you were never heard from again. But I want you to know that it was out of respect for her that I didn't answer the phone that night and tell you all of this and more. I desperately wanted to.
ReplyDeleteApparently, you are deeply involved in your church. If you actually believe in what it teaches, then you know you are an adulterer. You know that what you did was wrong and that you need to make amends for your actions. You need to accept that you have hurt others. There is a special place in hell for people, who, with wonton disregard for consequences go about inflicting untold pain on others. Without genuine repentance on your part, that is the place where you are headed.
I am not afraid of you, but my family means a great deal more to me than taking revenge. I don't feel the need to punish you myself or retaliate because people who do things like you did, live in their own Karmic hell. What comes around, goes around and Karma will handle your fate.
It comes as no surprise that you are divorced. It wouldn't shock me one bit if it was because you couldn't keep it in your pants and she couldn't deal with your infidelity. Let this serve as a final point. My wife wishes she had never met you and considers the time with you to be the most regrettable memory she has. Face that buddy, that's just the way it is.
Nope -- infidelity doesn't discriminate between the sexes. Sorry for what you had to go through. I'm glad that you two were able to rebuild, though you're right in that it can still resurface. Hopefully, each time it does, we learn more and are able to move forward in our healing.
DeleteThanks for posting.
Elle
I simply had to respond to one the early replies accusing a "venomous heart"...
ReplyDeleteI have an older sister who is always the "OW" & can tell you her replies to such things are exactly the same, with her cries of innocence, & pleasure, & not meaning any harm what so ever....
HOWEVER, she also likes to tell her friends how it's all good, how this wife is bad to her H, how they are in love & he stays for the kids how she doesn't't feel for the stupid B who can't keep her man, how if she was such a good wife why does my sister have sex this ladies bed with her H, & much more. Then back to how innocent it is, no harm meant, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS WIFE KIDS.But the truth is, that's the thrill, the high, the thing these cheap, useless human beings are after. They can't keep or catch a man of their own, nor see if a married man have sex with her that she hasn't won anything but in fact gotten used. I fear for these lowly, broken, women who cannot hold enough self respect to see their denial does not make their pitiful cries & claims of not "wanting" to cause harm any more true than they really are. Anyone twisted enough to convince themselves of such a lie is only doing it to ease their guilt, to justify their their actions & seek pity. My sister in fact has had me call her out on this one myself many times. I told her over and over it isn't attractive & no-one, short of her "loving man" (lol) is stupid enough to buy that line & if the wife is so wretched a person why is it the H who is whoring around??? Yah, she finds plenty of takers on Craigslist this way, but NEVER a keeper. I fear the day she gets herself hurt or killed in this egotistical game for the shallow empty pit she calls her heart. My talks have never slowed her down, and now close to 50 she calls family members between each affair drunk & sobbing asking why, why is she never chosen, why is she all alone when she is such a good person, so intelligent, & so beautiful? All I can say is THIS is the venomous woman & THIS is where the denial of "not trying to hurt anyone" lands these women in karma's real world. These are truly sad creatures, but innocent? Please! What a joke. I hate that I have one as a sister & she is a very venomous, dark, unsatisfied woman who can't figure out why she never found her soul mate, still yet she cries she never meant to hurt anyone & they all chose her over their wives. (funny how she twists that reality to suite her ego as well) Sounds to me the one who posted that was nothing more than another OW. I found your letter very kind considering it was meant for you, not something to actually be delivered.
Thank-you for your "insider's" view of the OW. Thing is, I do actually have compassion for these women. You're right in that these women have no self-respect...which is why they settle for little or no respect from others.
DeleteElle
Chloe. I promise. Have faith that this is all a part of a bigger plan. =)
Deletetammy said onJanuary 05, 2013
fooled by words
I do understand from the wife's point of view I get it I do but what about the other women's story here is mine.
you know what bothers me the most about this is the married man is never to blame. I am currently in the same situation where i was persued by this married man said he had an eye on me for awhile. came to the same work place because of me i was in a relationship for awhile and the married man and i became very close to the point of missing him all the time other people got involved telling me how he felt, he came to me one day and said i want to be with you , the way i felt and the connection between us was undeniable. I had to leave because it was ruining my relationship. He told me he was madly deeply in love with me and cant live without me i was his soulmate said if he looses me he looses everything, tears and everything dont give up on us, he wanted a life with me him his kids and a house, i fell hard for these words and then it became physical and he told me if it did become physical it would make the decision that much more forsure because he wasnt the guy who had sex with some one and just takes off well guess what he did a 360 i should of known but i was taken with emotion and the words now he doesnt know what he is going to do or what is going to happen, he doesnt know the future.but he loves me though! but because of fear and security and being with out his kids is too great i am not saying this is right thing you shouldnt leave your kids and wife unless u cant
make it work alot stay for the financial and the kids it happens all the time. I am not this person who does this I am hurt ashamed and feel like an idiot and a fool because i fell for the wrong person and i couldnt see past the words and passion to see what kind of toll this
has taken on me i left a great guy for something i thought would be truly out of this world and now i am left with guilt low self worth and pain with no one but myself. this has been the lowest point of my life and trying to forgive myself for falling victum to loving someone i shouldn’t of. i wish i would of read these articles and listen to the pyshcic that told me he would never leave . I think the worst part is the feeling of being used he says he never used me his feelings were real and he always told me the truth and says i should just go back try to make it work.that i will always be the one he desires and wants and his heart will always be with me. I dont understand why the other women is always to blame when he knew exactly what he was doing i am honestly telling you the truth he did persure me and i was fine in my relationship till him. The question why should he take me back and how can i without the guilt. I feel so alone and lost hard life lesson and maybe i did deserve it bu i left everything on account of what he told me i was the love of his life. what about him he gets his life still he never left and never will how does he just stay without guilt kind of sick when you think about it. I just wanted you to see the other side I did think of everyone involved I left because of my feelings for him did he think of everyone involved kind of shellfish of him. the pain is undeniable hard I am the one who looses it all not him.
Dear OW,
DeleteBelieve me when I say that there isn't a wife on this site who doesn't blame her husband for the choices he made. We know EXACTLY who's accountable to us and who betrayed us.
But your letter outlines exactly why it's so unwise to get involved with a married man. He's NOT AVAILABLE. And until he is, it should be hands and hearts off. Sure there are people who meet when one or both are involved with someone else. But to start a relationship when neither has had the courage to be honest about the relationship they're already in is simply a recipe for heartbreak -- though you know that now first-hand.
Whether or not he loves you, whether or not you're his "soul-mate", whether or not you were meant to be...none of that matters when it CAN'T be. And I often think this sense of star-crossed love simply heightens the excitement. Once so many of these relationships are subjected to the cold light of day, they seem a whole lot less enticing.
You've learned a hard, painful lesson. And whether or not your ex will take you back, I think you'd be wise to do some soul-searching yourself. Do you really want to be with your ex or do you simply not want to be alone? What was it about this relationship with this married man that seemed so much more appealing than the relationship you were in? What are you missing in yourself that you sought in that relationship? What happened with you sucks, but I urge to take a good look at the role you played in it.
I'd also, as a betrayed wife, like to point out that you seem to have no thought for the wife and kids, despite saying you thought of "everyone involved" Was that before or after you had sex with a married man? Have you considered how his wife might be feeling? How angry the kids might have been at you?
You're absolutely right that the married man bears the responsibility for his choice to cheat on the woman he promised to love, honor and cherish. But a woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man has really no-one to blame but herself for getting into a situation that involves lying, deceit and the willful betrayal of a woman you likely don't even know. Please don't think I'm not sympathetic. I think you fell for the oldest line in the book. But I think it's time to grow up and figure out how to behave in relationships with honesty and dignity, and live a life of integrity.
Elle
I wrote to the OW employer and it was the best thing I have ever done. No regrets. This is the letter......
ReplyDeleteI am writing this to explain about two employees of S---- V---- Hospital. They did extremely cruel and vicious things to me at the worst time of my life.
Between May 20th and June 3rd my 91 year old father was put on hospice, my 83 year old mother was in the hospital for 8 days, my sister died of breast cancer and my husband had intercourse and oral sex with an employee of the hospital.
I had noticed my husband acting differently and noticed cell phone calls of more then 20 hours and almost 3000 texts to a woman who lives in M--V---. Those had accumulated during the month of April. They continued through May.
I called this woman starting around the first of May a few times. These are things I told her:
He is married. Back off.
I told her she didn't know anything about us and she said "Enlighten Me."
I told of his childhood of sexual abuse by a man, physical, mental abuse and incest. Telling her that she should be sending him to a mens group or male councilor.
He had understood she was a nurse/councilor.
He had been sober for over 23 years until he started hanging out with her.
I told her to stop calling and texting him. She said "What are you going to do about it?"
I told her she was a marriage wrecker.
I told her that his mom died drinking vodka and taking prescription pain killers.
I told her to let him go.
I made it very clear that we were married and we needed to work on some things. She didn't care. She was destroying us. I told her before she got him into her bed. She was a stranger.
He decided he had made a mistake and told her he was going home to me.
The next day I received 7 photos, a long text and a voice mail from her on my cell phone. One of the photos was of my husband licking/kissing her naked chest. Another of a woman's butt with a hand print on it and some others showing them together. The text started with "F--- me Friday night, F--- you Saturday night. I started shaking so bad that I could hardly hold the phone. I didn't know he had been sleeping with her until then.
I was shocked and devastated. We have been married 37 years.
To pour acid on my wounds, she had a friend of hers from the hospital leave a message on my phone later (as we had both blocked her number). Her friend said there had been a tragic accident and she needed to get the other woman's house keys from my husband. They could have called my husbands phone but they wanted me to know he had her house keys. He called this person to find out what the tragic accident was and she told him the woman he had sex with had taken an overdose of pills and alcohol and died. We knew it was a lie but he called the hospital to verify.He called her back and she said the woman had died in her arms so she never went to the hospital. All lies. We know they were just playing games to hurt me more.
My husband asked for an address to send the keys to and the woman gave him the hospital address in care of M---M--- in Risk Management.
What kind of women would do this kind of thing? They are in the medical profession. I don't understand how someone can purposely bring on such pain.
My sister died during all of this, mom was in the hospital for 8 days and I was trying to work full time. I am devastated and hurt terribly. I cry everyday. I don't know how long it will take to get over this or if anything will ever be normal for me again. My husband has hurt me beyond belief and still sees this woman. She should have helped him, instead she is destroying us.
Employees of S----- ------- Hospital
C---W----Ph #------------
and the one she got to lie "Risk Management" M---M-----
There is a huge paper trail.
Unbelievable what you've gone through. I am so incredibly sorry. Any one of those crises would be heartbreaking.
DeleteDid you ever hear anything back? How or if it was handled in any way? Not sure what they're obliged to do, if anything. But certainly they'll have trouble looking at her in the same way ever again. She is some kinda crazy!!
But more importantly, how are you doing? Are you getting any support? Do you have a counsellor to help you through all your grief? My mother passed away in the midst of learning about my husband's betrayals...and I had a hard time parsing out which grief belonged to which event. It all just felt so hugely sad.
Elle
I did see a councilor a few times but nothing can put my broken heart back together. In August we learned my husband has a tumor in his eye. (Melanoma) so we are dealing with that. Also my father died in december. I gave the hospital my phone number in the letter but I never heard anything back. She is one sick person and I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I can ever get over this. Still crying.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been where you are -- thinking we can never possibly feel whole again. And you've been dealt many blows with all the death and sickness in your family. It's important though to acknowledge that you're still here and you can move through this toward healing. I hope you won't give up on yourself and your life. And I do think a counsellor could help you with this -- to sort through all the pain and guide you through healing. Please keep trying. Many of us are testament to the fact that it's possible, no matter how impossible you think it is.
DeleteElle
Also this letter was sent to 4 different heads of the hospital so just one didn't get it. Such as the CEO and Head of Nursing.
ReplyDeleteI am currently struggling with telling the husband of the OW. I have all the emails printed out and ready to be sent to his home and place of work. Any thoughts?
ReplyDeleteMy only advice is to offer up the evidence with as much compassion as you can muster. Then step back and leave him to deal with it. I'm sure you can imagine how painful it will be to know. But I'm sure you also realize that not knowing isn't really an option. No matter how horrible it was for all of us here to find out, we would choose knowing over not knowing.
DeleteGood luck.
Elle
It's great to come across sites like these, to know you're not alone. My DDay was Oct 9th, 2010 and I still feel the hurt and the pain as fresh as if I had just found out yesterday. Someone posted that the pain of finding out your husband has had an affair is very similar to that of losing a child and I can attest to that. I lost my daughter (from a previous marriage) in an auto related accident in 2002, she was 3 years old and really, I think that's where all our problems began. Losing a child changes EVERYTHING! It changed the relationship that I had with everyone, in particular, my 2 step-sons. My husband has told me over the years that I treated him as a punching bag, and that he gave up his relationship with his boys for me. Over the years we grew distant and he ultimately contacted his old girlfriend from high school. They talked occasionally at first, then more often, texted all the time, she ultimately broke up with her boyfriend and made herself available to my husband. This all went on for a year and a half and I was completely oblivious. They ended up spending a week together and after that week she started pressuring him about when he was going to leave me and get his own place. He realized that she wasn't what he wanted and broke it off ... enter the phone call she made to me. She never came out and told me that they had had an affair, she was so brave to call me but too coward to own it. We talked for probably an hour and I still had no clue, I was just pissed to know that he had been secretly in contact with her all this time. You see, she lived in a different state so, why would that even enter my mind?!?!? I confronted my husband and heard the words that replay in my mind over and over again ~ "I cheated on you." WOW, I never expected it. A month later, she sent me 2 messages on facebook saying wouldn't she love to send me the messages that the 2 of them had sent back and forth but, out of respect for him she won't; about how he had met her at the mall and how she had followed me to the toy store where she knew I would be with our 2 small boys. She said she was glad she got to see me in person.
ReplyDeleteIt's been over 2 years now and I'm still obsessed with this woman. My pain is still so deep and fresh, I have no one to talk to .. I have had counseling and seen a psychologist but nothing has helped. I have written and re-written my letter which is still unsent. I desperately want to send it to her because, I feel it will give me some release and finally I will be able to close this chapter ~ why should she get to walk away scott-free?? I haven't sent it at the request of my husband; he feels it will just bring her back into our lives ~ honestly, to me it feels like she never left. 2 plus years later, has too much time passed to send it now ~ after all this time??
Anonymous,
DeleteI can't imagine how painful these past years have been for you. I've often thought that the only pain I can imagine worse than betrayal is the pain of losing a child. I'm so so sorry you know that pain too.
I suspect, given that you say the pain is still as fresh as if it had happened yesterday, that you're not able to process what's happened. Almost like time standing still. And I also suspect that your obsession with this ex-girlfriend is part of what's keeping you stuck. She wasn't the problem. She was simply willing and available and it sounds as if your husband recognizes that. It's like being obsessed with vodka if your husband chooses to drink over spending time with you. Think of her as vodka. Nothing special. In fact, she sounds like a total jerk...which I wonder if your husband has already figured out.
The real problem is that, for some reason, your husband sought comfort, excitement, whatever somewhere other than his marriage. I wonder if you were to really explore where your marriage has gone off the rails (it sounds as if your husband is trying to talk to you about this) you just might find a way to get it back on track. Both of you must have experienced excruciating pain with the loss of your daughter. It's easy to lose that connection with each other. That certainly doesn't excuse what your husband did, but might make it a bit easier to understand. When we're in extreme emotional pain we can often seek solace or distraction wherever we think we can find it.
Do you want to remain married to your husband? Do you want to be emotionally available to your kids? If so, you need to let go of this obsession with the ex-girlfriend and focus on the "now". While you can't change the loss of your daughter or the betrayal of your husband, you can change how you respond to each painful event. And by focussing on the ex-girlfriend you're effectively preventing yourself from moving forward. You're preventing yourself from really working through what's happened in a way that allows you to let it go and focus on the blessings that still exist in your life.
I'm not saying send the letter or don't send it. That's for you to determine. For some women, it helps. For many others, it creates even more pain.
Ask yourself some tough questions: What do you hope to achieve by sending the letter? Is that a reasonable hope to have? Or is it unlikely that the letter will help you achieve that? Most Other Women aren't full of remorse or emotionally capable of seeing themselves as anything other than a victim and you as the victor. If you're hoping to cause her pain, you might achieve that...though she may never give you the satisfaction of knowing that. If you're hoping for an apology or a recognition of what she's done, don't hold your breath.
Again, determine if you want to rebuild your marriage. If so, get yourselves to a great counsellor who has experience with grief counselling as well as infidelity.
Commit to working through the extraordinary pain you both must feel, compounded by the infidelity.
And please, think of this woman as nothing more than a convenient distraction when your husband was vulnerable. She's a predator who's doesn't deserve real estate in your brain.
Good luck. And please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Elle
One more thing: There's a relatively new call service for women who've experienced infidelity. I've been chatting with the woman who founded it and we're going to be highlighting it on this sight.
DeleteBut talking with someone who knows exactly how you feel via phone (it's free, except for the cost of a long-distance call if you're outside San Francisco) might also help. If you want the info, let me know and I'll pass it along.
Elle
Dear Anonymous,
DeleteI feel for you. You have been through hell. You are the strong decent person here. Your husband and his OW are weak. I send you my love.
I went to counselling to see if our broken marriage after 25 years could be fixed. After finding out about the OW. He said it was over. Started counselling, moved back to our bedroom. I find his SECRET phone. He never stopped. That day I filed for divorce. He had a chance, he promised it ended. I am not being used, now he is begging. My emotions are all over the board, but I think this is the right choice. I love him he is the father to our children, and I mourn the man I married, not what he has become. I am sad, heart broken but I will grow. I will survive. I have been a stay at home mother for 18 years, and have not clue what I can do, who I am and what I will become. I am a TREE growing to the sun.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are. :)
DeleteElle,
ReplyDeleteI hope you sent that letter. I would like it even better if you attached her name to it for all the world to see. As far as I am concerned, they all deserve it. I have zero sympathy for any “exposed" ignominious woman. I am ASTOUNDED by people who find us, THE INNOCENT VICTIMS, angry crazy bitches for writing letters, or in my case, exposing what this woman did to my family with a website. I see nothing wrong with it, nor do the eyes of the law. My "lady" went so far as to send me malicious, awful emails after my husband ended it with her, as she threatened to do the entire time when he wouldn't see her when he was in town (we live in California, he travelled to Columbus a few times a year)-Once she knew he was serious this time, no matter her threats, she texted him, "you're gonna pay, douche-bag. I found your wife on facebook." VERBATIM. He disclosed, and sure enough, 6 days later, the first of 5 atrocious emails came. I will NEVER have any sympathy and compassion for this woman. Nor should you for "yours".
The best best best to you!
Amanda Greenberg
Amanda,
DeleteShe sounds like poison. And yes, there are certainly some of them out there. I'm often reminded that anyone with an ounce of self-worth wouldn't allow herself to be hidden away and treated like something to be ashamed of. Kinda a chicken/egg thing: being an "other woman" must wreak havoc on one's self-worth; but anyone with self-worth wouldn't be an "other woman".
Elle
Elle,
DeleteI am a betrayed wife (20 years of marriage and 3 young children). Yet, I feel it doesn't help to rant and lecture the OW. You can "bitch" about the OW with girlfriends in private. But I feel that the purpose of a letter to the OW is not to vant one's shock and hurt (everybody knows that affairs are wrong including her) but rather to 1°) get her out of one's husband's life asap and 2°) to make the husband realized, when he reads the letter, that you are a dignified, level headed woman. My letter addressed to the OW was in fact intended for my husband. I knew he would read it so I chose my words carefully. Men hate nagging desperate women. They will however admire you if you remain wise and collected. This is exactly how I got my husband back. I surprised him! He was expecting my usual temper and screams but as soon as he finally admitted his affair: I stayed calm, even thanked him for his honesty and told him it was a relief to know so that we could concentrate on a solution. He almost fell of his chair! Of course, I am hurting and boiling inside, but I keep it private. If there is anything this mess has thought me is that I got more results by being calm and understanding. Screaming and exposing my hurt would have given him what he was expecting (a desperate needy ranting wife) and would have given him the excuse he was looking for to leave me guilt free ("my wife is nuts ... so it is ok for me to start afresh with my cute lover"). I used to my advantage his and her weaknesses. People who are having affairs have low self-esteem. Being dirty behing our backs gives them power. I showed that I knew all along what was going on and that I wasn't too worried by the affair but that my concerns were rather why it happened in the first place and the practical consequences of a divorce. When he understood that divorcing would deprive him of my love and loyalty as well as daily contacts with his kids for potentially just a fling or a new long term relationship which will bring the same challenges in the future, he turned around immediately. I asked him what he would do in 10/15 years when he faces again, as is usual in any long term relationships, problems with this OW: would he cheat again this time on her or perhaps then realized that I or she are not the problem: it is just that marriages are hard work.
Dear You,
DeleteI'm sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation.
The letter written here was never sent...and was never intended to be sent. It's a healthy way for betrayed women to vent their rage and pain, and we have lots of it. You're right. Most OW will never take a word we say seriously.
However, you clearly have more willpower than I do. There was no way, in the wake of finding out about my husband's betrayal, that I was capable of hiding my pain to the extent that you hid yours. And, to be honest, I'm not sure I would have wanted to. I was able to keep my kids pretty much in the dark. But if I hadn't felt my husband's support during that dark time, I'm not sure we could have found our way back to the marriage we have now. I needed to know that he would stick with me through my insanity (which, incidentally, he brought on).
Clearly we each have to walk our own path back to healing. Mine doesn't necessarily look like yours and vice versa.
But I'm glad you weighed in with your words of wisdom. I'm sure your thoughts are exactly what some betrayed wives need to hear.
Dear Elle,
DeleteThank you for sharing your experience and insight. I completely understand your feelings and you are spot on. I didn't realize that the letter was never meant to be sent. I agree with you that writing one's pain is a brilliant way of releasing it.
As for letting my husband see my pain, I have made the decision not to let him have this kind of satisfaction. Clearly, cheating husbands don't care that much about their poor wifes; otherwise, they wouldn't cheat in the first place. He knows I hurt, I just don't want him to see me weak and in tears. And this has so far worked a treat as he has found a new respect for me. I might just be lucky here in the short term. I just wanted to reach out to other women by suggesting another potential way of handling things. We are better humans than the OWs and our cheating husbands, and deserve a loving healthy relationship. Their ugliness can make us sad but should not make us bitter and angry. It is their bad, their problem.
Absolutely. Bitterness simply eats us from the inside out. And I'm glad your husband is recognizing how lucky he is.
DeleteI want to point out, though, that vulnerability is the key to true intimacy. It's only when we can feel loved at our worst that we can feel truly safe. I worry that your sacrificing your truth in order to earn his respect. He should respect you because you're a loyal wife and his true friend, not because you're not making him uncomfortable with your pain and anger.
It's virtually impossible for any of us to understand the intricacies of each other's relationships, so I apologize if I'm misunderstanding yours. But I do hope you're in a place where you can trust that ALL of you is embraced.
If you visit the website, I have many articles on the subject of the "type of woman" who would behave so deplorably. And also many articles on men who stay in an affair due to threats of telling the wife (not necessarily because they never want to confess, but because they panic, in fear, in a very new ugly territory) so they keep it going, placating, and it is often tortuous for them. Not saying my husband is an innocent party, not in the slightest, but he tried to end it for 4 years and every time she would say, "ok. I better tell Amanda, then." She even threatened his job! People find this impossible to believe, and it is frustrating me beyond measure. The word on the street (salacious forums) is that I must be so naive and delusional to believe his story. I'm no idiot. I took months of gathering "evidence" and information about her, and, put together with her malicious, carefully crafted emails, it was clear as day that this is a conniving manipulative woman capable of anything. She is also blaming her ex-husbands new wife for the "phony" website! She is a classic serial narcissistic bully. Has everyone fooled. So sad. So wrong. So frustrating. I do have the wisdom to know that I am the victor, here. I have a husband absolutely unattainable for a woman like her ('course, he had a small 'mishap') and she is left with nothing, just phony confidence and zero dignity, two ex-husbands, etc. So why, you ask, would I put up a website to expose her? She was never "sorry". She intentionally inflicted more pain on an innocent wife and children with her emails, and has no regret no remorse. So I didn't think that the fact that she has "nothing" was quite enough. Am I mean? Believe it or not, there are people out there who think I am more AWFUL THAN HER. It's a "strange world". Thank you for your reply. I look forward to reading more of this blog.
ReplyDeleteWhat is wrong with me? That is the question I kept asking myself after I found out my husband was having an affair before and after our wedding. Through counseling I knew that everything that happened had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. He had issues, demons that have been there since childhood, and instead of dealing with them, he chose a temporary release. The other woman was a co-worker named Mirta Bueno, someone so needy and delusional with a low self- esteem. Who used to send him needy text messages "please don't leave me" I don't want to lose you" I never realized there were women out there with no self respect or values, pathetic and so needy. Looking back and listening to what my husband has explained about that relationship she was obsessed with getting pregnant and having his baby. She even wanted to name that baby a name my husband and I had previously chosen for our own baby when the time would come. She had a positive pregnancy test result and it is then when my husband realized his life was over, sitting in the emergency room with her he texted me to please pray for us, he said he felt guilty, dirty and was praying to God and thinking this was not happening. The doctor came out and told them that she was not pregnant. He was so happy and relieved, asked me for forgiveness and we decided to work on our marriage. She wanted to travel to all the places I had traveled. She wanted the life I had without having to work for it. She is a deadbeat who dreams that one day all her dreams will come true yet she is in her mid-30’s stuck at a dead end job since high-school making 10 dollars an hour, living with her mother and brother yet she thinks she is a great catch. I chose to forgive my husband and we are currently going through couple’s and individual counseling. He realized that this woman was not worth him losing his family, friends, and wife. He has apologized and said he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I am not sure what the future holds for us but this has made me see things in a broader perspective and he has learned that she was not worth all the pain he caused not only me but our family and friends.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like a sad empty woman desperate for something or someone to make her feel worthy. Pity her.
DeleteElle
So I'm new to this site and have a lot of catching up to do. All your posts are new, exciting to read, and very interesting. I love this particular blog. You are such a great writer. Brava. Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteJust been told by my husband that he is enjoying a lunchtime affair with a woman and that he is in love with her. I have written to the OW but did not rant about my pain and did not blame her. Instead I explain to this younger woman what a real relationship/love is about and that she too deserves to be treated with respect as an official girlfriend and not just the secret lover. I spoke to her as a wiser and respectful friend. I told her that falling in love is certainly easy but staying in love after many years is harder which makes it very special. I asked her to reflect on her future: does she want to hang around a a confused divorced father (perhaps a serial cheater?) and warned her that every marriage, including possibly hers, is hard work so she would be naive to think that the honeymoon would last forever. Yes, they are having tremendous fun at my expenses: but it won't last. Will she then be better at handling daily problems: of course not, I have done for 20 years ... they have been together for 6 months! My husband has read the letter: he was expecting rage, tears and accusations from me. Instead he took note of my calm assessment of the situation, my acknowledgment of their own confusion and lack of blame. As a result, he immediately reach out to me, apologized and broke up with her. We will now try to understand why he thought having an affair would be an option/solution for him and why our marital situation is not happy. I don't want to be an bitter angry wife: sure I cry a lot but no need to indulge in negative feelings. I also need to learn from this experience. I do not like the letter posted on this blog: it is evident that the writer hurts, but ranting and lecturing the OW is not going to help anybody.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone (like me) ever wondered why the other woman always gets the blame, and the husband gets welcomed back with open arms??
ReplyDeleteDoes the Wife forget;
He tooks the Vows
Hes the one betraying his family
Hes the one telling the lies
In my case..He initiated the cheating and the chase. Lied about getting a divorce.
And actually im educated..with a degree..& a single parent of two children.
I was the other women, and a month ago i decided to end it with him finally after two years.
Only this week his Wife has been trying to call me on a witheld number and i refused to answer to her. Beacuse I know if i did answer..she would not like what i had to say.
As far as i see it. This is their issue, not mine.
This also highlights to me, the major issue in cheating marriages. Why is the wife is calling the other woman?? Does she not trust her husband to tell her the truth??
Does she not trust him at all??
Do they have an issue with communication??
All he did in the two years was complain about her.
However I finally caught onto it, that things were never going to change. After asking him many times...if its so bad, why are you still there?? therefore something must be going right.
But Yeah i acknowledge my part. its My Bad.
And as far as im concerned..the issues in the marriage are prevalent long before he has the affair/s. Im pretty sure, im not the first and wont be the last.
You see...what he wants in the other woman, is what he doesnt have in his wife. The only reason he doesnt leave the wife, is either;
because of guilt
beacuse its easier to go back to the comfort of what you have
because he knows after confessing and worming his way back she is going to take him back eventually
because of kids (he had none)
but they do not stay for the right reasons. So the wife can blame the other woman all she wants. It still doesnt change who he is, and what he did.
Cheating husbands risk losing their marriage all the time.
If they really honoured their committment, loved their wives,and family so much, do you really think they would take that risk??
Until the next time that is.
Dear Anonymous:
DeleteI agree it is the man who needs to be recognized as the person initially at fault for betraying his spouse, HOWEVER, we all know a lot of men are weak, and easily manipulated by a devious, underhanded and sly woman who is either:
A) Doing to another woman what was done to her as a feeling of ‘pay back' shall we call it or
B) Trying to gain something more than relationship status from this man that lacks in her own life; perhaps materialistic or lifestyle living arrangement ways.
If a woman is well aware that a man is taken, is she not intelligent enough to realize that even if he did leave his spouse for her, who is to say he will not leave the OW for another at some time?
I have a difficult time believing you’re a well-educated person, and if you are it is apparent the studies of moral development, moral responsibility in the studies of both philosophy and psychology was not your major. (If it even entered your program at all)
It is YOUR issue as well if you were aware of him being married. You also made the choice to allow yourself to be pursued and caught by the married man. You completely ignored any moral ethics that should have played a role in your life. This leads me to believe you have a very low self-esteem issue.
I don't believe when woman contact the OW they are only blaming her. I feel that it is a way to let the OW know that the wife sees her as a nothing more than trash that should be aware of her place on the curb.
Most weak minded men will allow themselves to be manipulated by a woman and most women with low self-esteem will allow themselves to be chased and caught by the married man. It is both their faults but once again, yes, I would have to give him just a little more of the blame for breaking his vows.
In a lot of cases, there was no problem within the marriage so to assume that just because you were 'played out' quite well by the married man, and you believed all his lies, make you rather weak minded as well in my opinion.
I almost feel as if your trying to boast about your home wrecking accomplishment in your short note, however, the only one it appears who was rejected was you in the end.
Always remember, karma has a funny way to come back and bite you at some time. Open your mind in the future, and not your legs and may be you will maintain some sort of self-respect while not destroying another set of lives just because your may be jealous of what the wife has and not you.
Cheers.
DeleteDear Anonymous: March 16, 2014 at 9:47 AM
fat lot of good your degree got ya, he initiated it???????? you claim to be educated but you cant say "hey your married get lost" you cheated with a married man simply because you could. men cheat when they dont get sex, its a fact. of course you will blame the man or the wife, as you are the other woman, dont you dare try to justify that you were the interloper in the marriage because he said the marriage was crap, YOU were the person who interupted their lives, all couples have problems and if he wasnt happy he should of left instead of falling into your vagina, we all know sex gets less and less the longer you are with some1, then along comes some1 like you who boosts the mans ego, flahes her boobs and opens her legs and makes it so easyyyyyyyyy to cheat with trash.
all i can say i hope one day karma bites you on the butt and you then will feel the agonising pain that comes with being a wife whos been cheated on, but then again you dont seem to be the type of person a man would marry, a bit of fluff on the side comes to mind :)
btw--- he stayed with his wife because he lovesssssssss her and is probably feeling so guilty for what he has done and how much he hurt her not because its comfortable
I love this, this is exactly how I feel as well. I just wrote my own letter to the ow. I needed to, though, I know she will never see but I will never find peace in my heart if I don't. She is now divorced and my Husband and I are still together, finding our way back to each other. Piece by piece, through many tears and something for now neither of us can forget. I still hate her and can't forgive her yet. I pity her folly and the fact that she couldn't save her own marriage so she tried to destroy someone else's. She did not succeed. I want to tell her every bitter detail that runs through my head quite like you did still. I hope that by chance I will run into her with my family that she could not take.
ReplyDeleteThe other woman in my case was unhappily married with a child of her own. She actively pursued my husband from day 1 of their friendship, telling him he was made for her, destiny brought them together, she was all his (even though she was married), etc. He stayed friends with her for 2 years & finally, when he knew she was moving back home to another state with her family in 6 months, it became sexual. He says it was partly because he figured it would be self limited, I wouldn't find out, and it couldn't get messy because they both knew she was leaving. So it was no strings attached sex for a few months. But as the time approached for her to leave she started pressuring him to leave his own wife, 2 children, and mother (who lives with us) and move away with her. He knew that was ridiculous and told her that she knew he never planned on leaving me. She said things change and he said not for him. Then they started arguing more frequently and he realized what a mistake he had made. I always told him that women want more than just sex, even if they won't admit it (not even to themselves).
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of crazy woman does that to her own family, goes after another family, when she knows that the relationship cannot continue because she is moving. She thought her privates were soo wonderful that she could convince him to leave his own children and mother (and wife of 9 years who helped him build a house and his career) and move to another state to raise someone else's child.
I feel sorry for her for being crazy. Also sorry because she realized finally that to him she was good enough for sex but not good enough to marry.
They spoke several times once she moved and she came back for at least 2 weekends that I know of to see each other when he was supposed to be at work, and both times they fought (but had sex too of course). Ultimately she stopped answering his calls because she saw the relationship was not what she wanted (though he would have kept on going because he was indeed in the affair fog and did think he was in love).
I wrote a letter and sent it to OW. She hung up on me when I tried to call her, so I emailed her a lovely note and attached pictures of my 3 beautiful children and the happiest pictures of my husband and I that I could find. He was involved with her for 9 months, six were physical; we have a seven month old. After she read it, she has the balls to send my husband a text saying that she didn't need an email to make her feel bad. Like pp, she had fertility issues with her husband. My husband is her boss.
ReplyDeleteHi OW,
I know that you don't want to talk to me. Frankly, I don't want to talk to you. What the two of you did was so wrong on so many levels. Since you let yourself in on the very tender parts of my life, I thought I'd share with you some of my families memories. ----- needs to be responsible for his role in this, but so do you. Please take a look at the pictures of my family and think about what you two destroyed. I do hope that your future is bright. You didn't just mess with the lives of adults, you destroyed the childhood of three precious, sweet, innocent, brilliant children. What ------ has done has gone back on everything that he has ever said to me, his family and his friends. Whatever promises he made you, he made to me first. Growing old together, having a beautiful life, etc. I know I'm not the perfect wife, but I'm not a terrible person. I firmly believe that what ----- and I had, good and bad, was beautiful. Clearly not as beautiful as I thought, or he wouldn't have betrayed me.
I can't imagine how the two of you can look yourselves in the mirror. I'm sorry for contacting you, but I needed to get these words out. The two of you forged a connection and that's the worst type of betrayal.
I knew when I was pregnant with ----- that you were letting yourself in on my family.
My husband was a remarkable person in my eyes, a dedicated father and a loving husband. He's brilliant and handsome. Never would I have thought that he would go this far. I know why he means the world to you.
Please, you tell me, how do I pick up the pieces of what you two have done? How do I put my family back together?
I hope you enjoy the pictures. I'm sorry that you never experienced the beauty of life with your husband, but you can not play house with my children.
If you believe in the sanctity of marriage and family, you will stay away from my husband and allow us to try to rebuild.
Thanks for reading,
I can feel your pain in every line of that letter. I'm so sorry. Don't expect much in return (or anything in return). I don't think many of these women are capable of introspection. They're hurt people hurting other people and then being surprised when they're blamed for it.
DeleteElle
I have 2 post to make that belong together as one letter, however they must be put in 2 separate boxes at they exceed the limit for letters.
ReplyDeletePart 1
---> So, I do agree with the fact that it is not a good idea to open communication with the OW (whore pig, douche bag) I like to call them, however sometimes when you feel the need to get your hurt and crushed feelings out there, you must find a way to do so that will give you only a little gratification in knowing you gave them a 'blow' so to speak. I mean, as immature or may be childish as it may sound, and I have a truck load of hurt experience from my ex-husband, I felt this was the best way for me. How did I do it?? Create a fake face book account, or fake email account and use a man's name. You know the nasty whore pig will open a letter from a guy, that's a given in for sure! I told her in the letter from this pretend man how awesome and beautiful his wife was, how she amazingly held herself together (in fact, I went into severe depression but the douche doesn't need to know that) when she found out about YOU (the OW), how her husband told her that you were nothing but a nasty cum dumpster (sorry for the expression) and he is actually tired of touching all her flabby cellulite. I told her that the whole time she thought she was the 'only one' he actually had another woman on the go who the pretend man knew very well. How the husband took tons of pictures on his cell phone of the second woman, sent her flowers and cards and spent a pile of money on her. I wanted her to feel a little pain for the destruction that she put on me and my family. Now, I don't discount anything on his part. He knew full well he had a family and wife he was hurting when he started this affair, however she needed to feel some pain to. I believe that most of the time the OW even when she knows full well a man is married, has absolutely no care or concern for his wife, children or home. All she cares about is herself and what she can gain from him. Nothing more. So I felt no reason to talk about the hurt the children and wife were feeling. I wanted her to hurt a little. I went on to put her down to a level even a worm couldn't reach and made her feel like a disgusting woman in the eyes of the married man. At the end of the letter, the pretend man told the OW that he'd like to catch up with her sometime, and may be they can go out for drinks. There is nothing better than crushing the skanky slut’s feelings, then giving her false hope to boot. I mean, doesn't she deserve a little of this seeing as she aided in destroying a family and home?? I think so, or may be its still my hurt, anger and a little depression making me react this way. Whatever the case, I felt much better in the end. My counselor didn't agree too much, but he did say he noticed a relief in my feelings afterwards.
Part 2
ReplyDelete---> Well, it worked. The next time my husband meet her, she lost her marbles. Raged about the second woman, (can you believe it? lol !!! I mean, she raged about woman number 2, but the douche bag didn’t even give care that he went home to woman number 1 every night!!) She smashed his phone to smithereens and cussed like a truck driver about being called a cum dumpster. LMFAO!!! He came home very quickly that night, phone in pieces and wouldn't tell me what happened, however, OW was more than willing to write back to the pretend man letting him know. Now, after that night, my now ex-husband realizes what his affairs cost him, I know he wishes he would get his life back, however, due to the nature of all he did (and this woman is not the only reason. he did a hell of a lot secretly including having children with another woman) we will not be together again. I found out she was NOT the only one he had affairs with, but she was the last for me.
I'm not encouraging anyone to take the drastic course I did. I went through a lot of mental pain and anguish from my ex-husband, in fact, I have wrote a small account of it here on this site not long ago. And I am thankful for being able to express myself here, with other women who go through the hell I have felt. Writing here, was the first step for me. And you wouldn't believe how much it helped me to continue on. I was in such depression, lost, sick and alone, and I had no idea what to do or where to start, but the words from Elle were the beginning for me, that gave me thought and reason to put it together and stay strong. I'm not better yet, and I believe it will take me years to fully become the person I used to be again, but I will one day.
Also, when the OW wanted to meet Mr. Pretend man for drinks, he turned her away and closed his account. She lost my ex-husband, she lost the pretend man and found out what a little hurt feelings was all about. My ex, realized what a nut job she was after the raging, phone smashing incident, and well, I don't feel bad about doing what I did. If she never involved herself with my husband, this would never have happened.
I'm trying to catch my breath, it’s hard. Extremely hard, I still have nightmares but I'm taking one day at a time, and one day, my good nature and spirit will come back to me. I keep reminding myself "one breathe, and one second at a time"
Thanks Elle xox
HBB
HBB,
Delete"One breath, one second" will take you exactly where you want to go. I'm glad you're feeling better and that you recognize that you're much better off without this guy and his circus. Yay for you.
well written letter Elle, and comments made good reading. I am still picking up the pieces after finding out about my husband's infidelity. It has been almost 3 years, and unfortunately, we run into her now and then at various events. However, recently she has become hell bent on getting his attention at these locations. She will sarcastically smile at me then follow him around like a lost dog. He avoids her -- goes out of his way to avoid her -- walks the LONG WAY around to avoid her and she just doesn't care. How the hell do I handle this? Do I say something to her?
ReplyDeleteAttention is like oxygen to these people. They crave it. She's baiting you. Don't take it. It will require incredible willpower on your part. But your husband has exactly the right idea. Avoid her. Ignore her. Eventually (let's hope sooner than later) she'll find another toxic pastime.
DeleteI'm so sorry -- she sounds like absolute poison. But I'm afraid that, for some people, negative attention is as good as positive. For that reason, I don't even suggest anything, except, perhaps, a carefully worded lawyer's letter, though I doubt you could get such a thing.
She's invisible to you. She doesn't exist. Or she's like an annoying fruit fly. Eventually she'll die, figuratively speaking.
You all want to paint the “Other Woman” with a tar brush. It’s all so much misplaced anger. If you want to be angry, look to the man who betrayed you. Ask him what lies and deceit he used to trap some woman into loving him and believing his lies and his bullshit. Chances are he is the one who conned both women. While the women bash it out, he’s probably off prepping his next victim with honeyed words and false promises.
ReplyDeleteMy affair partner devastated me and robbed me of at least a year of my life. He used me, although I begged him to tell me the truth time and again. Then he left me alone to pick through the ruins without a second look back in my direction. He discarded me like a piece of trash by the wayside.
Him and his wife get to stay in their $200,000 home, with their "nice" kids in a leafy, middle class suburb. He was just slumming it with me for a while. The two of them get to go to PTO picnics and trivia nights together and come home to sleep in their "separate" beds (yeah right). They must look like such a great, sweet couple together. His life goes on ... business as usual. He doesn’t suffer or hurt in any way because he is a narcissist with no concern for the suffering of any one or anything.
The wives don’t suffer because ignorance is bliss. You would rather ignore all the warning signs instead of losing your safe, comfy lifestyle with your contented, chubby children.
I hope they will both be very happy together and live a long life of bubbly marital bliss. They deserve each other. I’m glad all of you get to feel so smug and superior about it. You can now go and crow to all your pals about how awesome it is to be married to your douchey, cheating husbands.
That’s what I was thinking...
Yours truly,
The OW
OW,
DeleteI'm honestly sorry for how much pain you're in. It's clear, from your rage, that you feel incredibly betrayed. But please don't ever think that your pain is somehow greater than that of an "ignorant" wife. We "know', long before we know, the sting of a spouse's betrayal. We know loneliness, we know disappointment, we know rejection. To dismiss us as idiots because we want to preserve the family we've created is unnecessarily cruel. So many of use must endure our culture's sneering dismissal of us in order to protect our children, who aren't responsible for any of this, from the pain of divorce. There's nothing easy or pleasant about rebuilding a marriage and a family after the trauma of betrayal.
But that's something I think you know all too well from your own experience.
I wish, however, that you would think better of coming to a site with the aim of compounding the pain of women completely innocent of your betrayal.
Ignorance may be bliss, but your a dumbass to believe that they were sleeping in other beds. You're a true piece of (*$#&%)... because you OBVIOUSLY knew he was married. Yes, he is to blame, but so are you! You sure as hell wouldn't want that to be done to you. To call their children something, such as chubby, shows just how selfish and immature you are! You were probably just a piece of @$$. You deserve everything you got, so quit acting like you were so betrayed and innocent, because you were not!
DeleteMy two favorite parts of that comment from the OW are "He discarded me like a piece of trash by the wayside." and "He was just slumming it with me for a while." because truer words can never be spoken and those come directly from the whore's mouth.
DeleteOW are trash. That is why they are treated as such. When you treat yourself like garbage that is how others will treat you as well.
My h is a fool and made the WORST decision of his life when he got involved with the OW and he knows it and will freely admit it. But when you are the OW and you knowingly get involved with a married man you have no one to blame but yourself.
My h told me he thought he was in love with her, she was pregnant and he thought they were going to ride off into the sunset together. Guess what happened when she miscarried! DUMPED! See how much they love you OW? He may have stepped out on me, but at least in the end I meant something to him other than just a convenient place to stick his wayward dick.
its been 7 years and it still hurts, and im sure samantha blackwood of bairnsdale/nicholsen is walking around with a big fat smile on her face, never mind that she destroyed my family by having an affair for over a year with my husband of 25yrs then taunted me on the phone when i found out, "Your husband and i have an amazing relationship---but you wont let it happen" well im sorry samantha i dont share EVER, so take your filthy mind and leave us alone, never mind that my daughter looks at her dad like hes a joke and has no respect left, dosnt want kids or to get married, thanks for that samantha, nevermind we had to sell our home and now rent, thanks samantha!!!! nevermind the fact that samantha has a man of her own and kids but still needs to sit on my husbands face(her words)
ReplyDeletewhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????????????? why would you completely shatter another womens world, a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, because your a bunny boiler who could i guess, ill never know. It takes 2 i know and my husband is feeling the wrathe believe me, but yoooooooooooooou samantha as a women already in a relationship ought not go around boosting the egos of married men to get their attention because you need to feel needed, and you most certainly ought keep your legs closed to all but the man you are with, REMEMBER HIM SAMANTHA??? Your partner???? The man you have kids with????? so leave the married men alone you filthy thing.
Rolla, pissed off housewife!!!!!
Dear OW,
ReplyDeleteYou've been making your brags around town
That you've been loving my man
But the man I love
When he picks up trash
He puts it in a garbage can
And that's what you look like to me
And what I see is a pity
You'd better close your face and stay out of my way
If you don't wanna go to Fist City
If you don't wanna go to Fist City
You'd better detour round my town
Cause I'll grab you by the hair of your head
And I'll lift you off of the ground
I'm not sayin' my baby is a saint cause he ain't
And that he won't cat around with a kitty
I'm here to tell you gal to lay off of my man
If you don't wanna go to Fist City
Come on and tell me what you told my friends
If you think you're brave enough
And I'll show you what a real woman is
Since you think you're hot stuff
You'll bite off more than you can chew
If you get too cute or witty
You better move your feet if you don't wanna eat
A meal that's called Fist City
Best wishes,
Loretta Lynn
I think the hardest thing to comprehend after finding out about affairs ( plural!) is getting it through your head that someone other than the one you took vows with, has treated you with no respect or regard. I guess it is human nature to naively react and respond almost as a child would. You think," what have I ever done to that person, that she would choose to hurt me this way"? I struggled with those feelings after having been lied to repeatedly and digging for the last bit of information. I decided to call coworkers that my husband had shared having," inappropriate conversations and contact with. At the beginning I sadly thought that two adult people could communicate honestly about how they feel. I thought that if I made myself clear in how their actions had affected me and if they knew about how my husband lied and manipulated all who were involved...we could come to some understanding... Basically what I said was, I know that you have been speaking to my husband. I can see on his computer that you have continued to contact him AFTER he has told you that I know about you and is trying to now work on his marriage, WHY?? She( Dara Allen) stuttered around and really didn't answer that question. She did say how sorry she felt for me, that their conversations had not been inappropriate for years,( my husband eventually shared with me that he had given her advice, that she had been in some" abusive" relationships, which was a laugh for me considering what he put me through, he said that she was with other married men and he had told her that "was unhealthy", so much vomit!) that I need to take care of myself, blah,blah, bs,blah... My husband left his previous job due to infidelity, and started work again in the Dallas area, closer to Dara.. His FIRST day at his new job,he was supposed to have lunch with his new boss and some employees from a company they had business with.. She was in the group. My husband declined the lunch invite and said he had errands to do. Upon hearing that he would not attend, she called HIS boss, asked to speak with my husband, and made him tell her why he wouldn't be coming to lunch. She couldn't understand, "why they couldn't continue their friendship." His wife didn't have to know.Really?!!! She told me that she would never contact him again.. This is the type of typical whore, waste of a human, that my husband has gone for. We have gone to counseling, but it is still hard to come to terms with the fact that so many people out there just don't have any respect for you or your marriage. This is only one example of me stupidly thinking that communication can be beneficial.
DeleteIt is so strange how things,work out... Update on the above... I actually left a message in Dara Allen's " other" box on facebook.....because, obviously we are not friends and that is,where the messages you leave someone go when that is the case.... She, as well as many others , I am sure, was not aware that she had a message in that format.... My message just stated how shocked I was that she,would contact my husband on his and,her office phone and get his new boss involved in trying to make home feel uncomfortable enough to join her for lunch, and how that I would share that she was a,serial adulterer with his and her boss, should she choose to press,the issue... I was just ranting at the apathetic, unremorseful slug that she was... Never expected her to even read or respond to the message. Well, I recently received a text from a man the she is/ was involved with.. Apparently, she had shown him her facebook page as an attempt to be an open book and prove her trustworthiness to him and he clicked on her other box of messages from me, read the message, took a picture of the conversation( one-sided, as it was..) and used my number, which I had left, asking her to call me, to contact me later to see what/ who he was really involved with... I was hesitant to speak with him, but eventually did.. He said that when he read the message, she pretended that she didn't know who I was, turned white, said it was spam.. But when he said he would call me, she of course didn't want him to do it! She never would answer questions that he had about my husband and her involvement with him. I made my husband explain that to him.. He sounded exasperated, it sounded like they had been "dating" for years. He said he just needed closure. Hope he was able to find some...
ReplyDeleteMy husband cheated on me 10 years ago, and they have a 9-year old son to prove it.What's worse is that if I count the months, I've just given birth to our youngest when theirs was conceived...It broke my heart, to bits and pieces...
ReplyDeleteBut what shattered my soul is though I discovered the affair soon after it started, I knew about the child only 4 years ago...My husband, up to that time was still lying to me...through his teeth.
But it never crossed my mind to give up on our marriage, though I was working abroad most of the time, giving him the oppurtunities and the reasons to do it again and again.I am a Filipina nurse, and there is not much oppurtunity for a good-paying job to support my 4 kids at home.And between my husband and I, I do stand the better chance to land employment overseas where the pay is good.I threw all cautions in the air, I need to support my family.
in fairness to my husband, he did act and sound remorseful.He has been a good father, raising our kids well in my absence, juggling his time between the kids and his work, I don't think he still have the time for the OW and their child. Though I am still skeptical when he swore that he already ended the affair even before the child was born, I am giving him my "conditional trust",whatever that means...
Sometimes, my finger would also itch, to send the OW a letter, just one letter...but I think that it would further raise her confidence up...if it is not yet up the rafters...that she was able to snag a happily married,handsome and popular guy(yes, I do admit, my husband is quite a catch).
But sometimes I also want to chastise myself for my weakness, that I can't let my husband go.It did crossed my mind, a million times, to chase him out of the house and file for an annulment, but I just...can't.It would be cliche if I will say that I am staying on because of the kids...I love this man and I can't live without him, that is the whole sordid truth...
And he does treat me like a queen everytime I'm home...I'll enjoy that for now...
The Wife,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you've gone through. We each need to walk our own path through this. I hope you realize your own worth. Frankly, you sound like a whole lot more of a catch than he does.
Here's my letter to the OW. I will never give it to her, but I needed to write it out just to free the space in my head and confirm my own strength and character. Elle, you've written so many helpful, healing and inspiring things, you'll probably see some of your own words in here. They were so perfect and spot on, that it helped to claim those words for my own story and healing.
ReplyDeleteIn my case the OW was a person he met at work, she was on the rebound from the end of a three year relationship. he was struggling with sex addiction, (long porn use and visiting massage parlors for three years leading up to his affair with her - not exactly a compliment to her...).
Here is what I needed to tell her:
Dear Other Woman,
I know you have a name and I know what it is. I can’t bring myself to use it just like I can’t bring myself to forgive you. I do pity you and your suffering and that you may be going through this heartache alone or with people saying “what were you thinking” and all manner of accusatory or judgmental things. Society in general vilifies what you have done. Guess what? You deserve all of that. You probably have little love for yourself; are wallowing in shame and guilt. Shame is paralyzing, try and let it go. Guilt is good. It can sometimes help you to learn something new. You have my pity because you are so clearly broken, so clearly enmeshed in your own narrative of suffering, of being hurt and abandoned by the men you love, that you willingly participated in a relationship with a married man and the destruction of his family. You sacrificed your sense of self-worth, whatever shreds there were, and your own values to the attentions of a wounded, lonely man, who was not free to be yours. I will someday forgive you for my own good, but know I will never believe you deserve it. Just like I have forgiven the man who raped me so many years ago. I did that to free myself from the narrative of pain and suffering and not because he deserved it.
I tortured myself for a while, wondering what it was you had that I didn’t. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve come to realize that you’ve got nothing I want. Being chosen as an affair partner is not a compliment. He chose you because you were available and weak enough to participate in something despicable. People who engage in affairs are no different than people who gamble secretly. Or drink. Or snort. Affairs are a distraction from real-life, a form of self-medication. A parallel world in which the rules don't apply. In H’s case, he was on some self-destructive path that I still don’t understand. After years of porn and massage parlors, sex was a drug and you became just another dealer. He’s not having trouble giving you up. He’s having trouble giving up the feeling that he is sexy and loveable and exciting and interesting. So now I know that you were willing to participate, to lie, to hurt, to deceive, just by being there. Nothing I want.
Some things you should know. First, know that a man who can lie, cheat and deceive his wife to be with you is also capable of lying to himself and to you. Whether by omission or intent, he has lied to you. He may have told you that I didn’t love him. This is false, even if he believed it through lies to himself or to justify his cheating. Why would he lie to himself about that? Because people who cheat need to justify their actions. He has been cheating on me off and on for years but I feel pretty sure he didn’t share that part of the story with you. This is important information for you to know since you were contemplating a future with this man. I also feel sure that when you and he had unprotected sex, he didn’t warn you about the potential risk for STD. That risk is very real. I feel sure that he didn’t tell you that he had sex with us both while your physical affair was still going on. Even without knowing these things, you would always worry that a man who can lie to his wife can lie to you too. You would ever fully be able to trust him.
Still Standing letter Part 2
ReplyDeleteSecond, most married cheaters do not leave their spouses for the affair partner, less than 10 % in fact. Of those that do, more than 75% end up in divorce. These statistics are pretty dismal, but indicative of the false bottom of this kind of relationship. Know that the emotional baggage you both bring in would have killed the relationship not long after that magic of the affair and new “love” had worn off. His habit of emotional distance would build a self-feeding loop with your intense need for attention and approval that would leave both of you feeling hurt and lonely. Your relationship would have to withstand the pressure of divorce, angry children and the pressure on him to support two households. I don’t think you have the legs for that. I think eventually you’d run away, because that is what it seems like you do when you’re faced with emotional pain. Or you would eventually have had to deal with being the betrayed, when he went outside your relationship to sooth his pain again.
Third, you may be hurt and angry and suffering and blame him for it. Take some power back for yourself and own your half of the responsibility. Yes H hurt you, promised you some kind of future together but you did this to yourself, too. You also did it to me and my family. You get to live with that until you can figure out how to fix what is wrong inside you. You chose to do this. He didn’t do this to you. You did this with him. You volunteered to lie and deceive, regardless of how you justified it to yourself. If you place all the blame and responsibility on H for your hurt, then give up any power and agency you may have had over your own life and dismal choices. You have no way to recover. But you do have the power. You can work on you and try to become a better person.
Still standing letter part 3
ReplyDeleteFourth, affairs and affair love are by their nature an act of selfishness and entitlement. You love how the person makes you feel about you. And you mistake the person for those feelings. You may feel like your love was special and unlike anything anyone else has ever felt, built on honesty and respect. We’ve already seen that there is no honesty in an affair, not even between you and him. Respect is non-existent. Is it respectful for you both to compromise your values to be together? Was it respectful of him to keep you a secret? To not tell me what was going on before fuc5!ng you? Is it respectful for him to ask you to take on, eternally, the role of villain in order to be with him? You would be. Imagine meeting my children for the first time. Do you think you are equipped to parent and manage the anger of a smart teen girl, only twelve years younger than you? Or handle the high anxiety you triggered in a sensitive ADHD kid (who is about the same age you were when he was born)? You are barely equipped to deal with your own issues, let alone be a positive influence to two kids whose lives you have upended. And his family. His mom and sisters. Do you think they’d readily accept you because they just want him to be happy? Think again. They’d tolerate you. They’d be invariable polite but they’d never love you. How is asking you to be that person, to live with that, respectful of you? It is purely selfish. And you’d always have to share him. You’d never have him all to yourself. I would always be there for holidays, for college planning, weekly kid swap, weddings, alimony, and child support, whatever. I would never be out of your life. Chances are H and I would still be friends. And you’d get pretty resentful of all of that over time. Resentful of having to share money and time with me and the kids. Is it respectful of anyone to ask that of you? Is it respectful of you to expect him to throw away his marriage and family and a lifetime of trials and wonders and shared history for you? Or to give up his relationship with his kids for you? He’s already struggling with the tarnished view his daughter has of him. He’d also in some ways lose his son too. Do you think he wouldn’t eventually be resentful of what he had given up for you? How do you think he’ll feel when at some point I have someone new in my life and this man will now be a part of his children’s life. And when he is in the trenches working to support us all and has no time for you, do you think you are strong enough to handle that? Given that you are already running away from this crisis, I highly doubt it.
Still Standing Letter part 4
ReplyDeleteDon’t you think you deserve better? You deserve a chance to be in a relationship with a person who can be wholly yours. You deserve a chance to heal and find yourself and learn to love yourself and learn that you don’t have to keep making the same mistakes and same bad choices over and over. Whatever it is that has hurt you, wherever you think you have failed or been unlovable, see that. Sit with those feelings for a while. Grieve. Explore why you keep choosing men who will hurt you and leave you. Think about what you were looking for in this affair and decide if you can provide those things for yourself instead. There are no knights in shining armor. No man can meet needs for you when you don’t love yourself. Draw some new boundaries and get some help and give yourself a chance at a better future. I tell you this because I don’t hate you, at least not all the time. I sincerely pity you and the hurts that brought you to such a place. If I sound angry, I am. I am resentful of the immense selfishness and weakness that drives you both. I am stronger than you both and know that although I hurt now, I am sure there is an amazing future out there for me. I pray that you will find the strength to choose a brighter future for yourself.
And finally, I am grateful. Grateful that I have had a chance to really know myself, my strength and my own worth. I am grateful that you are weak and so lost in your own narrative of hurt and abandonment that you are running away. Again. Good riddance. Run away and find a better person inside of yourself.
Thanks for all the love and support here. I hope my letter helps someone else as much as it helped me. Hugs to all my sisters.
ReplyDeleteWow. You really pulled back the curtain on affairs and showed it all! Anyone even considering an affair should read it...and reconsider.
DeleteElle,I have frequented your site for the last 6 months.....that's as far as I am on this journey to new existence. My time in the BWC has been healing beyond belief. Sometimes its like they are sobbing on my bathroom floor with me. I just today saw this letter and I am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face. Because it's like you know me. You know my heart, my pain. Like you KNOW it. You say every single thing in this letter that I wish I could say to the OW. Even though you wrote this over 6 years ago and my journey has not been quite 6 months it's like you pulled these words from my heart. I wish I could find a way for her to read it. For her to feel the power of these words and the weight of what her actions and her "happy" moments and "love" truly were. That she knowingly willingly hurt someone and it made her happy. That she was doing this to a family, to children.
ReplyDeleteI debated sending her a link in an email but decided against it. No contact is like a DNR...majorly important and in fact knkwing that has stopped me from sending many a text or nasty gram letting that C U Next Tuesday exactly what I think of her.
I am working on myself and letting this wound start to heal. I have a little, and I've also ripped the scab off a few times and fallen back down. The constant nagging fear that's it's not over or that she is going to show up in a few months with a forever reason to be in his life scares me to the point of insane nightmares. ( As far as I know that's not the case..he swears it isn't that precautions were taken...but....it scares the shit out of me that as soon as I get myself ok enough to like enjoy life a little bit it's all going to come crashing down on me in the form of a unwanted little brat. I can't even look at babies it makes me have a panic attack...or need to vomit..my kids are older thank goodness)
I'm here on the blog reading and learning and just breathing. I hope somehow the universe, karma, whatever u want to call it lets her know and feel the pain she caused and somehow maybe she will read this letter. Because it's raw and it's real. Actions have very real consequences. It won't be by my hand.....but I hope someday she gets it...understands the impact her little fling had. That she changed my life, my kids lives. That she hurt me so badly I'll never be the same. And that she lays sobbing on her bathroom floor for months because it hurts to realize that she is such a lowlife person....I hope it hurts so much she can't move. Can't breathe. And then maybe she will get up and go into the world and some how make a postitive impact to balance out her wrongs. Red in her ledger. I hope she looks in the mirror and is horrified at her own reflection because she sees herself for what she really is, not the fantasy she created with lies and deceit. That she lives her truth.
Today I look in the mirror and don't hate myself. I know it wasn't my fault or even anything I did. I know I'm a good person and a far better one than she is or will ever in her life be. I can hold my head high and know I've done nothing to cause anyone any of this pain. I know my ledger is clear. I'm living my truth and I'm not afraid of it or ashamed of it.
Thanks for knowing what I needed to say Elle. Thanks for providing this space of healing.
Maiden,
DeleteThe impulse to have her know your pain is legitimate and so many of us feel it. And some OW do have some sort of reckoning. But, I suspect, many more just carry on with this ridiculous sense of entitlement. They're the type who always find someone else to blame for their unhappiness. Their boss, their kids, the immigrants, their spouse, their friend. Always, always someone else's fault.
The best we can do is wash our hands of them. I love your DNR analogy. Let them, metaphorically, die. You are in the process of being reborn.
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ReplyDeleteI really can’t be mad at the current OW or any of the OW. My WH tells so many lies - I don’t think she knows the real story. She probably doesn’t know we are still married and that he was here with me and the kids - that I am even still in the story.
ReplyDeleteI would want to write her. To tell her that he needs serious help and that she will get hurt eventually. That he is lying about everything and don’t believe anything he says or promises he makes. He has 4 kids, a house falling apart, bills, a bad credit rating, college tuition and a pending Separation- he can’t promise you shit.. But I won’t. I know that would be a big mistake and just make me look stupid.
My husband cheated with a co-worker it ruined me. What is odd his mistress had been cheated on by her husband. She knew it would ruin me and put me into depression and worse. My relationship with my husband will never be the same I will never trust him again. I stayed because we are raising our grandkids and the last thing they needed was to feel abandoned again. Please for the wife and kids of that man leave them alone. Leave him alone and move on Victoria Atherton.
ReplyDeleteIm just learning now. The womans last name is one letter off from Tramp…fitting. He is lying and gaslighting. He messages her constantly on messenger, lied to my face saying he was talking to his son but i heard her voice. Shes a month younger than me but looks like a crispy old hag thats 10 years older. I need advice. Im disabled. I have a condition that leaves me bed ridden. He says he doesnt love me anymore he hates me…because i got sick. Im devastated. I love him so much, weve been together for 12 years. Because of my heakth i truly NEED him and he says hes only keeping me here for convenience. Please. Please tell me theres a way to win him back. I cannt lose him, he is the love of my life. I don’t THINK they have met up, just messaged, but i saw one of the messages today..i love you to her. Ive been crying ever since.
ReplyDeleteReading this again today as I needed to and how I want to forward this link to her or print it and put it in her letter box.
ReplyDeleteToday I want revenge. Thank you for writing this because on days like today it helps me rise above rather than reach out.
I promise you she's not worth it. No Contact goes for us, too. Too many of these OW thrive on the chaos and the contact. Starve her of that oxygen.
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