Like millions of others last night, I watched the Academy Awards. And though I love watching people being rewarded for great work, I'm a whole lot more cynical since D-Day than I ever was. I no longer believe that an Oscar is really going to change these people's lives. It's not going to make them happier, or their marriage better. It's not going to stop a husband from cheating. And, as a I scanned the faces (and admired the dresses!) of the women at the Oscars, I found myself wondering what secrets those faces hid.
I suspect most people in my life would be stunned to know what I went through a little more than five years ago. Thinking back, they might recall that I'd seemed a bit...distant. Or that I'd lost weight, though I wasn't working out any more than usual. But most wouldn't have noticed a thing because I was a helluva an actress. I kept just about everyone in the dark. My life looked like the usual assortment of parenting and work.
Yet, watching those actresses last night, I was reminded how exhausting it is to pretend you're something you're not. And how lonely.
Even now I find myself feeling somehow...apart...from others. I remind myself that they've had their share of pain, too, even if I don't know what it is. But I don't know that I believe that. I assume that most are exactly what they seem – busy moms, content wives.
I have a few friends who know what I went through. And it's enormously comforting to be able to speak freely. To not worry that I might let a detail slip that would raise questions. To not pretend.
I recently spoke to a friend about the movie The Descendants, which features a husband coming to terms with his wife's infidelity. She asked if I'd seen it. "No," I said, explaining that my husband avoids anything related to cheating and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see it myself.
"Oh...right," she said. Nothing more was said about it. Nothing needed to be. She understood. And that's incredibly comforting. The mask can come off.
But most days, it's firmly in place.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I found myself watching Sandra Bullock last night. And, every time I see a photograph of her I look. I look at her eyes. Because even if she's smiling, I can see the pain in her eyes. I recognize it. I see it when I look in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I think to myself "I hope she's doing ok." I think that of Sandra and the woman I see in the mirror.
Pippi,
DeleteYeah...I think of Sandra, too. And wonder about the others. Find myself outrageously annoyed with Angelina Jolie and other OW who somehow justify what they do.
And I too hope you're doing ok.
I know for my situation only 2 of my friends and 1 of his know. It was and still is wonderfully beneficial having people I could talk to openly and honestly about all the craziness that was (and 3 years later still is) in my head.
ReplyDeleteBut I also found that it was good for me to go out among other people who didn't know. I was reminded that my life was not all about my husband's infidelity and gave me a break from the elephant that was sitting on top of my heart.
My advice to anyone starting this journey would be to be careful who you tell. It does change the relationships with friends and family who know. Personally I can't stand the sight of my husband's friend who knows due to the dumbass advice he gave.
I absolutely agree. Choose your confidantes wisely. The last thing you need in the midst of all this is a "friend" who makes you feel judged or blamed or simply can't support you. It can feel like a double betrayal.
DeleteAnd I also agree that it's refreshing to be with people around whom you can just be yourself without HIS scarlet letter feeling like it's yours.
But friends who do know...and who can just be there and share your pain are a Godsend.
I feel intellectually & emotionally conflicted about the issue of who knows about an affair. In my case, LOTS of people know... I found out 5 days before having twins & in the midst of that chaos told my mother, father, sister, brother-in-law (but not brother & sister-in-law). My husband's boss found out (his OW was a co-worker), several of his co-workers, and many others in his life. Only 1 friend of his knows & only 1 friend of mine knows. I agree that it's important to choose wisely but there's also a part of me that wants to say to the world -- THIS HAPPENED & WHY SHOULD I BE ASHAMED & HIDE THIS! If all of us stood up & said this then perhaps the stigma would dissipate a little. That's the rationale, intellectual side. But emotionally I'm a pot calling the kettle black. I'm not proclaiming this and still worry about others finding out and what-will-they-think-of-ME when in reality this wasn't about ME, it was my husband's mistake! Sigh. So complicated!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - I can't believe your dday was five days before the birth of your twins. That is horrific. I, too, have twins. I'm so, so, so sorry that happened to you. What a way to spoil the birth of your children and with the post-birth hormones, uh, I just can't imagine what you went through. Are you doing ok? How far out are you from dday? - Pippi
DeleteUnbelievable. And yet, here you are. Still standing...and with twins. Congratulations. Seriously. All the other crap aside, giving birth to babies is a wonderful thing – full of promise. And I'm so sorry your memory of it is tainted by your husband's affair. I hope, with time, you'll be able to separate out the two events and take some joy in their birth.
DeleteWhat you describe re. telling/not telling is exactly how I feel. On the one hand, I feel that so many of us suffer in silence and loneliness. And if we could bring the fact that this happens out of the shadows and into the light – and people could truly understand the depth of the pain experienced by those betrayed (and even by the OW, who often gets thrown under the bus on D-Day) – perhaps they'd be less likely to convince themselves that "no-one" will get hurt.
But, as you say, it's hard to open ourselves and our lives up to the world. Not everyone will be sympathetic. And some will be hurtful, as I experienced, which only compounds the pain.
I did not tell anyone about my husband's infidelity because I was always too afraid our children would find out. Its a very lonely and difficult road. It takes an extreme amount of inner power to not break down and cry every time someone asks how you're doing. Sometimes I wish I had a friend that I could talk to about it. I guess sites like these are the closest I get.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is lonely. Over months and even years, I began to open up to a few very close friends. And it feels like a lifeline to be able to remove the mask with these people. I have one friend who doesn't know (not a close friend) who routinely tells me how "lucky" I am and how "great" my life is. In many ways, I am lucky...but I wouldn't consider what I went through "luck".
DeleteAre there any people you can confide in – not for advice but simply for support? A parent? Sibling? Friend? Minister/rabbi/spiritual counsellor?
Of course you're welcome to post here and get support – ask questions or simply share your story. We know how it feels...
Hi Pippi & Elle,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your warm words. I'm about 13 months from DDay (which means my twins are now 13 months)! The twins are great but, yes, that first year was almost unbearably hard. One thing that helped a lot was that my husband is a fabulous father... and as you surely know, Pippi, dads to twins have to function as second mothers! That helped a lot but things are still really hard. (One of the reasons my H had this affair was due to extreme fear about becoming a parent... to 2 in one go. This makes me incredibly angry because he is such a great parent & really had nothing to worry about. If he were some deadbeat dad then his fears would have been warranted. Ugh - but that's not how the mind works...)
I hope you're right, Elle, that with time, I will be able to think about & celebrate their birthday without thinking of their father's horrible deeds. I hope, I hope, I hope. This blog has been so very helpful. I feel like I could have written this myself (if I were more eloquent, of course) - your thoughts so echo my own and therefore have been so helpful to me. We're not alone and we should tell the world this, but yet we're still a bit too afraid to tell the world this. But we're getting there by telling others in the same unfortunate boat. And that's quite beautiful at a time when the world can look pretty darn ugly.
I'm ready to weep with gratitude for your words. That's exactly what this site is about – a chance to support others and be supported while we go through hell. My husband STILL insists that it's keeping me "stuck in the past". But it's the opposite. It has allowed me to grieve the loss of the marriage I thought I had, recognize that there are others who have survived this (and feel triumphant) and help others along the same path. It's incredibly healing.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do think you'll get to the point where your twins birthdays will be about THEM and not about HIM. I've slowly lost my grip on those dates that were triggers and allowed them to turn into regular days...or cause for celebration. Your twins can be a symbol of what's amazingly possible...which includes rebuilding a family that was almost destroyed.
And thanks Pippi for sharing your experience too. I'm sure moms of twins share an experience that we moms of singles can't imagine! I stand in awe of your stamina and strength.
Elle
Fortunately/unfortunately I was able to share my pain with my sister who had (only a year before) gone thru a similar experience finding out her husband was having an affair with the neighbor!! And although she is now divorced she is so supportive of me regardless of what my decision is. Now thinking about it I finally found a bright spot in this nightmare, I love and appreciate my sister and I'm so thankful to have found this site and all you wonderful strong women that make me feel like I will survive!!!
ReplyDeleteThere generally is a silver lining...though sometimes we have to look really REALLY hard for it. I'm very sorry for both you and your sister. And very glad you found us. Welcome to the club no-one wants to join!
DeleteElle
I was 6-7months pregnant when i was bombarded with this terrible news.. as it was my husband wasnt too keen on having the baby.. i cried when i found out i was pregnant (it was almost impossible as he barely touched me let alone slept with me on the same bed and i often cried myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me..).. i was subconsciously hiding my pregnancy out of embarrassment (i seemed to be so embarrassed abt what happened to me relative to him..) .. that people was surprised when they saw me with a baby..
ReplyDeleteIliss,
DeleteI'm glad you're posting here. It sounds as if your husband has been emotionally abusive to you. It also sounds as if you've bought into his treatment of you. How he's treating you is not okay. You don't deserve it. You deserve happiness and respect. You deserve to feel joy when you discover you're pregnant (assuming you wanted the baby). You deserve a partner who supports you and comforts you. Please know this. I want you to know this deep, deep down. That you are worthy of love. And I hope you'll refuse to accept anything less.
Elle
Thank you for your reply, Elle. I really, really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI was terribly happy, but also terribly afraid (because of him). I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was 2+ months along. Because it was almost impossible. It was a very trying pregnancy to be honest, and I didn't really 'look after myself' while I was pregnant :( But God looked after the little one growing inside me, and he is now a healthy bouncing baby, very calm. I cried every single day since I found out .. in June 2013..
I feel like I have to handle a man who has just been through 'a heartbreak' of not being able to get 'what he wants.' Sigh. I also have to look after my 3 kids, and my wounding heart (which people have constantly asked me to just suck it up and move on).
Iliss,
DeleteIt sounds as if you're surrounded by really toxic people. There's no way you can just "suck it up and move on". Honestly, are these people made of stone?? You've got three kids who rely on you, as well as dealing with absolute heartbreak. I hope you can start recognizing these people as unhelpful at best and completely crazy at worst.
Take care of yourself…eat well, try and get sleep, avoid drugs/alcohol. Take each day as it comes, knowing that, even when it might not look like it, you are in fact moving a bit closer to healing each day. You'll get there. Get some counselling to help you sort through all this and to help you understand that many of these people's comments are unhealthy. Surround yourself only with those who can support you and comfort you. Avoid the others.
Elle