I often talk about the magic of time when healing from betrayal, like here, and here, and here. And yes, time, on its own, can reduce the sting we felt on D-Day. But time won't lead toward full healing. It will allow the space to heal...but you're going to have to create the conditions to heal.
Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, writes that "Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare."
She's talking about healing a relationship. But with betrayal, the damage isn't only done to our relationship with a spouse. Frequently our relationship with ourself is damaged. We're angry at ourself for not knowing. For not being stronger. For somehow betraying ourself. And it's that relationship that needs repairing as much as (or more) than our relationship with our spouse.
How? Well...we hear so much about forgiveness in regards to betrayal. But before you consider whether or not you can forgive your spouse, ask if you can forgive yourself?
Forgive: You were, after all, doing your best. You may have been completely ignorant of your spouse's behaviour. You may have suspected but not confronted. You may have confronted but believed his gas-lighting. You may have doubted his gas-lighting but feared leaving. You may have left but forgiven him despite everyone's objections. Whatever your reason for being angry with or infuriated by yourself...let them go.
Healing can only begin when you forgive yourself.
Acknowledge: Can you truly acknowledge the pain he's caused? Even if he's denying, minimizing, blame-shifting...can you nonetheless stand in the truth that you absolutely know? It's critical that you acknowledge the pain in order to get clear on where you go from here. As long as you're buying into his myths – that it was "only" talking (behind your back and about your marriage), that you were too busy with the kids or your sick mother, blah blah blah – then you can't heal. You don't fix a broken bone by telling yourself it's just a sprain. You tend to it.
Where's your line in the sand? You also heal by taking steps to protect yourself in the future. And one of those steps involves determining what's your line in the sand. Sure we all said cheating was a deal-breaker...only to eat our words. But now that you've experienced it, what's your line. What will you do if he cheats again? Or if he doesn't cut off contact? Or if you start to feel that all-too-familiar knot in your gut? Get clear on that...and have a plan. It's not enough to simply tell yourself you'll leave, or sleep on the couch. You need to have something of an escape plan, even if you don't plan to leave. Think of it as a deposit into your self-respect bank.
Our hearts are capable of healing, even from being shattered. But we need to create the conditions to ensure such healing occurs. Otherwise, we're simply broken souls disguised as whole.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Elle - I'm wondering about the question you pose: "Can you truly acknowledge the pain he's caused?" In your opinion, what does that 'look' like? Is it enough to allow yourself to feel the feelings, to sit with them, wallow in them. Or is there more? I'm, of course, questioning if I'm doing enough.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it looks like so much as what it feels like. And it's chilling. It's truly acknowledging the depth of the pain he caused...and the depth of the betrayal. Like many women, I tend to be a master empathizer. I'm so good at putting myself in someone else's shoes that I barely know what my own feel like (I'm working on it!!). But I think before I was able to really start to feel better, ironically I had to feel worse. I had to admit to myself that my husband was a total ass who betrayed me in the worst possible way. I had to stop qualifying my own feelings of rage and pain out of some sense of disloyalty to him – in other words, I diminished my own pain because it made HIM feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteIt's crucial to truly acknowledge your pain and sit with it. Many of us are terrified of that. We fear sinking into it and never emerging (at least I feared that). And we fear that if we don't somehow mitigate our pain, then it will be unbearable for our spouses who caused it. And yet we do neither partner nor our marriage any favors by pretending things are better than they are. We're far more likely to be able to shake off that pain once we've stewed in it. Once we've truly felt it in our bones (hence the "chilling" comment at the start) we can then let it go. It becomes part of who we are...but not the whole of who we are.
Does this make sense? Hate to sound all New Age-crazy on you...but it's been one of the most profound lessons I've learned through all this. Pain doesn't destroy you...but ignoring or minimizing your pain can.
One of my problems is that when I really *feel* the pain caused by this A then I get angry... really angry... like 'I understand why people were burned at the stake way back when' angry... and no one, I repeat NO ONE (not even myself) ever knew I had this angry side. (I've been described by many as 'the nicest person they know'). Ha! Not when fantasizing about burning stakes! So for me this pain turns into anger (at him! at myself?) for having to feel this pain. I go round & round & round with this and just not sure how to get off this merry-go-round from hell.
ReplyDeletePS - This is 'anonymous' from before (mom of twins)... I think I figured out how to put a name to this!
Hi Erica,
DeleteYes, I too felt rage unlike anything I had ever experienced. And I too am frequently described as "nice" (though not by the OW). I'm going to assume that you're not actually going to burn anyone at the stake, as tempting as that may be. I would recommend coming up with something that allows you to express this anger -- writing a letter that you may/may not send; kick-boxing, running (my "expression" of choice); driving your car to somewhere remote and screaming; punching a pillow...you get the idea. What I'm suggesting is allowing that anger to completely be expressed. It won't happen all at once, obviously. But over weeks, possibly a month or two (not continuously, of course), you'll likely notice a depletion in your anger. The thing is, your anger is justified. But the other thing is, it's not very useful at this point. Anger is important in reminding us when our boundaries have been violated. At this point, we know that. So unless your anger is being RE-plenished (ie. by a spouse who continues to totally disrespect us), it should becomes less and less as you express it.
It's also important to note that anger is, as my therapist is so fond of reminding me, a "secondary" emotion. In other words, anger clues us into deeper feelings of, generally, hurt or fear. By expressing the anger, it often allows us to access those deeper feelings that are masquerading as anger. And once we excavate those feelings and bring them into the light of day (which can be equally as terrifying as thinking we're going to burn people at the stake), they also will diminish. By acknowledging them and truly feeling them, they tend to lose their power over us.
It sounds easier than it is, of course. I tell you this with five years of dealing with it...but if I knew then what I know now, I'd spend less time trying to keep my pain under wraps and more time figuring out how to express it in a way that doesn't hurt anyone (though, as noted, running saved me more than once. I would wait until it was dark and cry my eyes out as I ran. And, wow, could I run fast when I was really mad!!)
Elle
Yes, the further clarification was really helpful. Thanks, Elle. I think I tend to be a little less compassionate perhaps so I don't have trouble with trying to minimize my husband's guilt. In fact, I have a tendency to be to the opposite extreme.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have felt a white hot rage like no other. At my therapists suggestion, I've been able to redirect it into energy towards running and doing things that have the potential to make me feel better. After about six months post-Dday, my anger subsided. I actually miss that buzzing energy I had. Now, it's turned into a sad, depression like state. I got so much more done in the anger state with little sleep and not much food. This new depressed state is too sloth like. But, just trying to get through it.
It's frequently referred to by other betrayed spouses as "the plain of lethal flatness", that state whereby you feel almost nothing. You're no longer angry or even particularly sad...but you also don't feel joy or happiness. I hated it...more, I think, than the rage and sadness. I was generally referred to as "passionate" prior to all this -- about people, about causes, about my work. That passion was one of the casualties of the affair, though it's coming back.
DeleteI still occasionally feel the plain of lethal flatness, though far less often. This past episode led to me volunteering to host a bookclub for women in prison, which terrifies me. So taking drastic measures to FEEL something might be dangerous. :)
HI Elle:
ReplyDeleteThank you for explaining it so well...I feel like I am in the land of 'the plain of lethal flatness"..... I know I have to go through this , but I so want it to be over.
~~ S
Great article.I found out a month ago my husband of 21 years had had a fling with someone.We've had the 'hysterical bonding' phase which was wonderful but now I'm cooling off and wonder what is the next phase I'm going to encounter.I don't like the sound of what may be ahead in the 'plain of lethal flatness'!Anyhow,thank goodness for the internet and forums like this as it's comforting to know there are others out there who have gone through the emotional devastation of finding out about an affair but have survived and in most cases become stronger because of it.Thanks everyone for sharing their thoughts with those of us still not sure of what to expect next.
ReplyDeleteJust found this site. Looks like it is the perfect place for me to vent, to tell my story. I feel like I am the only one who experienced the devastation of finding out my husband of 16 years had been seeing someone for 2 years! He actually developed a real relationship with her and her 2 young children; with the children calling him "daddy"! The day after telling me about her/them, he never came back but moved in with her without even telling me. After 6 months with her, moved back home without asking and now I am here with him trying to cope. Somedays it seems nearly impossible to even look at him. It has been 1 1/2 years since he told me. Still cannot cope.
ReplyDeleteViolet,
DeleteI'm glad you found us but, as I always say, wish you didn't need to be here.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
What are you doing for support? Have you sought counselling? And how was your husband able to move back in with you without your consent?
He left. He made a choice that was no doubt excruciating for you. And he simply walked back in the door without making any sort of amends? That's unacceptable. I don't blame you for hardly being able to look at him.
I think your first step is to seek help in developing enough self-respect to refuse to allow yourself to be treated like Plan B. You are better than this! You do not need to accept this sort of treatment by someone who lied to you and left you.
Please, if you're not already in counselling, find a great counsellor that can help you sift through what's happened and help you get the strength to ask your husband to leave until such a time that he can beg for your forgiveness. At that point, you can decide whether you're willing to grant it...or not.
You were NOT to blame for his choice and you certainly don't have to put up with this.
Elle
He has been begging for my forgiveness with tears almost constantly in his eyes. But I feel like I want to punish him every single day. 2 months after he moved back in, I left for Italy for 6 months to work. I told him I would be gone for 3. I really thought when I got back I could move forward and not look back. I did good for the first couple of weeks but 2 months later I feel like falling apart almost constantly. And I am obsessed with the OW. He doesn't understand this or anything concerning my constant sadness. I have told him many times how I feel like you said; "Plan B". but of course he denies it. I feel like the victim here where now he is back with his life as before and the OW is with the next man after most likely destroying another family. I am definitely on the band wagon in exposing these SKANKS. Her next victim needs to know! See the obsession? I need help. Can't afford counseling.
ReplyDeleteYou've clearly still got a lot of anger around what happened...which is generally a mask for hurt and fear. Your use of the term "victim" makes me think you feel powerless, which is also likely what you want to last out at the OW, in order to feel back in control.
DeleteBeing cheated on DOES often make us feel powerless. But it's an illusion. While we can't control our spouse's behaviour, we can certainly control our response to it. What do you want to do but feel you can't? What CAN you do to feel like you're in charge of your own life. Do you want to stay with your husband? Can you imagine a future with him where you feel like an equal and cherished partner?
Do you feel you have any insight into why he cheated? Does he? There are lots of books on the topic and, as you've likely discovered, plenty of Web sites. Read what you can to try and get clearer on what's behind the anger...and what you can do about it. You're not a victim. You've been hurt by someone you trusted. But now you need to trust yourself to take care of yourself.
Elle
Just came back to this site. After more than 2 years, still cannot look at him without wanting to ask him "How could you have done this to me"? I'm still not dealing with his affair of 2 yrs. Haven't sought counseling. Have been online looking for one who I might want to tell my story to. But haven't made the plunge yet. But I really feel I need to. I don't feel even with counseling that I will even be whole with him again. Will this EVER get any easier? He keeps trying to get close but admits there is nothing more he can do to help me. How do I find that right professional to help me? He wants me to see a priest. I said absolutely not. I think he's hoping a priest will prey on me forgiving him. After all, isn't to forgive--Divine? I don't want to forgive him. I want to make his life miserable. If only I can do this and still find my own happiness somehow. Is this unreasonable? Is it wrong for me to WANT to punish him even after 2 years?
ReplyDeleteHi Violet,
DeleteWelcome back. I'm so sorry this has been so incredibly hard for you.
You're welcome to share your story here if you're ready. We've all been where you are.
I strongly urge you to get counselling. Finding the "right" professional is partly luck but mostly a matter of trusting your gut. Call a few and talk to them. Explain your situation and what you're hoping to achieve from counselling and see what they say. You'll pretty quickly get a sense of whether they understand the issues around affairs and can support you in your healing. You might even want to find a couples counsellor who also does individual counselling as he/she is likely to have encountered infidelity in their practice. It took my husband and me three counsellors before we found the one who's really great. That's not to say we didn't learn from the first two...just that we weren't getting where we wanted to go quickly enough for us. So be willing to walk away and try again if your first (or even second) choice doesn't work out. But you need a safe place and safe person with whom to unload all the pain you're carrying around and begin sifting through it.
This person can also help you determine if this is something you simply can't forgive, which is perfectly legitimate. There is no right or wrong way to healing, there's simply the path that's right for you.
It isn't wrong for you to want to punish him but, as my counsellor says, anger is a secondary emotion and usually masks hurt or fear. My guess is you feel both hurt and fear deeply. Hurt for what he did, and fear that it's going to happen again.
Betrayal is trauma, so it's quite possible you're experiencing post-trauma. I hope you'll find someone who can really help you deal with it. It takes time (it took me close to five years before I finally felt I was really through this).
Elle