Yes! Let us be kind to ourselves, lets us care for our spirit, so we can live from a place of abundance.
And I agree, often so hard. We are often the last people we care for. This process has certainly been a wake up call for me and it is still difficult. In some ways the pain and shame have made it harder to be kind to my self. I hope I grow out of this and learn and heal.
For all of us warriors with self care compassion and love let's cross over to healthier relationship with ourselves.
I don't worry about a clean house. I homeschool and one therapist suggested I go to my room from 2 to 4 pm and just rest. Now granted my kids are teens so this is easy to do. I try and rest in bed 1 day a week for 24 hours. This really kick starts my body.
I used to feel guilty doing this, but not anymore.
My new therapist is great. She really talks about taking care of myself and letting my hubby and daughter work on their own addictions.
Years ago, I barely had the energy to get out of bed and take a shower. That's gotten better.
It's been a while since I've commented. We're doing okay. Bi-weekly counseling. I have been doing a lot of stuff for myself lately like reading a lot at night and watching TV shows I like. He says he feels "disconnected" from me. No shit. You slept with someone else. Of course you feel disconnected. I feel like we're basically roommates who have sex. But there is no romance or cuddling or whatever. I honestly have a hard time feeling attracted to him emotionally. He is a selfish man with little integrity. Our counselors feel like I am "stuck." I don't know what that means other than, no I am not happy and living the way I was before I found out as if nothing happened. They want us to do a nightly devotional together. I feel like that would just make me resent him more if we study something about marriage or something religious (we were going to church twice a week throughout his affair). I still have a lot of anger, I suppose. We are 7 months out from DDay.
Grace I wish my h understood the term disconnected! He is so emotionally disconnected to anyone and anything that interferes with his work life! The only cuddling we do is what leads to sex... I go to him when I feel the need to hug but truth is that's the way it was before the affair! One of the complaints his ow had too which by the way made me laugh out loud when she sent that text! I'm not sure what to say other than I know what you are saying! I guess I've always been one of the women that filled my true emotional needs in other ways so for now his attempts are giving me peace. Hugs for your pain! One day at a time!
Theresa the only cuddling we do leads to sex too. It's ridiculous how these mens behaviour are similar. He's emotionally disconnected too. Messed up individuals that need help. Here's hoping they get to some new normal xxxx
SamA For my h this is being normal! I'm okay with that as long as he doesn't disconnect again enough to seek out different sex! lol for him that was all he wanted but the whole experience backfired on him when she went batshit crazy on more than one occasion! Left him exhausted! He learned a very hard lesson on women and their emotions! He can't deal with true raw emotion of any kind. I'm learning to understand that part of him. One day at a time! I believe in letting all of my emotions out good bad and ugly! I hate it for him! Hugs!
Grace, I'm my opinion it's really good that your still managing to come together for the sexual part of your relationship, I think that's the time you become one if only for a short period. If you enjoy it that's a bonus too, it's still early days Grace, but it sounds to me like your on the right path with the counselling and getting 'stuck' is part of that path as long as you find a way to pull through that stage when it happens. Why do you think the devotional time will make you resent him? Maybe it's worth a try, nothing to lose!! Dedicating that time to each other makes such a difference in the busy schedule of life we miss opportunities for that adult time. Most of my time is centred around the kids and family stuff husband will get a look I'm every now and then lol but we are trying to make more time for us.
I hear what your saying about him being selfish Grace, any man who goes of with another woman is selfish and careless and I can understand why you don't find him 'emotionally attractive' I feel that way at times too but take your time and that will happen with his help of course.
I'm gonna say it again men are from another fuking planet, selfish creatures who look after no1. We can maybe take a leaf out of there book and be a bit more selfish. Works for them right!!
Grace keeps us informed!! Your doing great ; ) take care
I just read a Dear Carolyn column where the writer was mourning the death of her baby and the ending of her marriage. She asked Carolyn how to get through this. She said that going to a beach vacation didn't feel worth it, it still wouldn't change how she felt. Carolyn's advice is so perfect for the betrayed. I am sharing it here (with a few alterations for our stories, in brackets):
Obviously you know exactly what you’ve been through, but it can help to remain mindful of your circumstances. {Honoring the experience rather than minimizing it: "I have been through a massive betrayal. I am feeling rocked to my core. I am deep emotional pain. The person I trusted committed a huge violation. } I agree with your counselor that self-care is the answer, but not to “escape” or “change the reality.” That’s impossible, as you rightly point out, and also not the point of self-care.
To illustrate the point, I’ll suggest a different metaphor. Imagine your grief as a literal journey through this very dark place. Uphill with a heavy pack; physically exhausting; emotionally uncertain. There are no shortcuts or escapes, it’s just you and you have to do it. Now: Self-care is what sustains you on this trip. If you don’t sleep, if you eat poorly and are quick to berate yourself, then you will falter physically and be easily discouraged. But if you give yourself proper rest, good nutrition, emotional or spiritual relief (church, poetry, meditation, nature, … ?), access to outside encouragement, and a lot of breaks — not just physical ones, but also some emotional ones by choosing not to be tough on yourself when you think you’re falling short — then it’ll be no less grueling; you’ll just be better equipped to manage the burden.
Better equipped, you can open yourself to the grief instead of pushing it back. Vertigo-inducing, but it can help. That is the self-care I’m talking about, not palm trees and umbrella drinks (not that there’s anything wrong with those). Beyond sleep and nutrition, such care is a matter of personal preference, but an easy option — we’re all about easy here — is to pick one from each category: exercise, art, sensory comfort, empathy. So, for example, try yoga, favorite music playlists, making your temporary home more homey, and contacting {http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org}. Or: Run, paint, bake, lean hard on friends. Keep it simple; whatever feeds and (eventually) restores you through this grief is self-care. Peace and good luck.
I want to also add a caveat re: friends. I think infidelity is so loaded that you need to be very thoughtful about which friends you lean on. If you are lucky to have a non-judgemental fully empathetic friend, then go for it. But even the people that love you can not "get it" and say hurtful things. That why therapists, support groups and peer counselors are so great.
Theresa, what makes affairs so much worse is when they meet a psycho woman that won't let them leave in a hurry. Most men don't want the emotional side of an affair just a quick shag and jog along. But the danger is with these dafed ow is that they are in it for so much more and become 'batshit crazy' when they are told it's over.
I'm sat in bed next to this man called my husband and it's 04.22 I'm really angry and I want to punch his lights out. He's just snoring away wtf, there is a question I wanna ask when I feel angry like this I tend to want him to go but when my anger passes I don't. My problem is not making a decision in the moment because I often regret it. I've got counselling today so I'll thrash it out there. But what do you ladies think do you wanna throw his ass out when you get that fed up angry emotion coming on and how do you stop yourself from doing it. Because like Elle says your not always gonna feel angry or sad. I'm also fed up of being the ' better person' what does that even mean? Am I in victim mode feeling sorry for myself? I don't know it's been a bad few days. Thanks for listening guys. Xxxxxx
SamA I did feel that way in the early months! I couldn't eat or sleep and at the time my h was out of town every other week and home on weekends. It was very hard for us to reconnect other than sex on weekends. He would come home tired and after sex fall asleep snoring just like yours and I truly wanted to smoother him in his sleep! It took us months more to get all the truth I needed to move forward. Months later I still went from loving everything about him to despising all kinds of little iratating habits and it's still a work in progress for both of us! I'm hoping you find some peace in these bad days! Love yourself first!
Oh god. I just found out that the OW and her band were hired to play at an event I am planning to go to with my husband. What do I do? I am in shock. Part of me wants to make out with him right in front of her. I also fantasize about walking up to her at the event and slapping her face--which I might do if I drink enough. Ready to throw all my thoughts of being better than this out the door... please help BWs... Even if it is just some good ideas for humiliating her.
The best humiliation you can bestow upon this individual, is to take the high road, remember that you are the lady and she is the tramp, and have the time of your life with YOUR husband! While doing this, also remember that you are always the one that can do this in public and she had to 'hide' in the cover of lies for just a few minutes of sex! Hopefully she can see you are the better woman and that's why he chose your marriage over lust! Hugs! It will not be easy! Or you could change your plans and hide at home like my h and I have done for over a year! lol
I tend to agree with Theresa in taking the high road, although I would secretly take pleasure in seeing an OW humiliated. (So much for rising above on part! LOL) To this day, I avoid my husband's workplace and she's been gone since last August. I truly feared I could not keep my composure and it would end up ugly, very ugly. I reminded myself over and over that she wasn't worth the risk and knew myself well enough to realize that being in the same building with her was not a good idea. If you feel like you can be in the same room, I would suggest going and not even acknowledging her presence. Many here have said that completely ignoring the OW is a form of humiliation as they thrive on attention. Hugs!
I do plan on taking the high road. But i am pretty pissed off. I dont know if I can enjoy myself and not be preoccupied by her being there. But if I dont go, i might be even mote resentful at him and her for filthying my life. I am also worried that my husband will bail on me or be awkward and weird if we go. And I am furious that i cant be rid of her.
MBS, You're obviously giving this a lot of thought. What's to be gained if you go? What's to be gained by not going? If you do go, can you and your husband come up with a plan so that you're not blind-sided by him suddenly acting like an idiot? I you do go, can you "practice" what you might say/do if you bump into her? It can really help to have something of a script for yourself. I had a similar situation about two months post D-Day. An industry event that I knew the OW would be at...but so were a lot of my friends. I had one friend who knew about the affair who came with me (I met my husband there) and who told me, looking me straight in the eye, "I've got your back. If you need me, just tell me what to do." We laughed, we said horrible things about the OW, and then we went in, prepared to hold our heads high. It worked. The OW looked sheepish and horrible and nervous. I felt calm and strong and was determined that if I fell apart, it was going to be out of her sight. Ultimately MBS, if you just want to stay home and watch Netflix, go for it. But this might be a chance for you to reclaim yourself. You did NOTHING wrong. You don't owe anyone anything. It might be empowering to walk into there looking great and feeling proud of who you are. You're strong. You're a survivor. You're triumphant.
Lynn, I wanted to tell you - I have genital herpes too. I got it from my affair partner over 25 years ago. My husband has never contracted it from me, although he has oral herpes (and I do not.). My breakouts are continuously less severe and less frequent. It is truly almost a non-issue in my life. Even still, I can see how it would infuriate you. If you had left your husband, as I did my affair partner, you could just be done with him, but like this whole mess - if we wish to reconcile it is so much more challenging! Wanted to share - I have herpes - as do about 50% of the people in the world. My best advice to keep it at bay ... take care of yourself, stress and illness will bring on flair ups- take meds prophylacticly if you know you want to be herpes free for say a weekend away with the hubby and - take your pills as soon as you feel even the tingle - you will come to know the feeling. If I can answer any other questions, I'd be more than happy. Oh, my friend is writing a book on herpes as she found that once she started talking about it - so many of her friends (me included) had it but were too ashamed to talk about it. Silly frankly, but I get it. Hugs Dear!
Great quote. I find since dday I have said no to more things than ever before in my life. It feels different but good. It has helped my husband and I focus on our time together. Our kids enjoy the down time too. I take care of myself first then everything else. My main priority is our marriage and our kids with a big focus on making dinner and preparing food. I have found I love to cook now that I have slowed down. It is so enjoyable for me now. And it helps our family. The things I do agree to do for others I really want to do. One really positive change from before dday!
So true but yet at times so hard to accomplish! One day at a time!
ReplyDeleteYes! Let us be kind to ourselves, lets us care for our spirit, so we can live from a place of abundance.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree, often so hard. We are often the last people we care for. This process has certainly been a wake up call for me and it is still difficult. In some ways the pain and shame have made it harder to be kind to my self. I hope I grow out of this and learn and heal.
For all of us warriors with self care compassion and love let's cross over to healthier relationship with ourselves.
Love
Becky.
I don't worry about a clean house. I homeschool and one therapist suggested I go to my room from 2 to 4 pm and just rest. Now granted my kids are teens so this is easy to do. I try and rest in bed 1 day a week for 24 hours. This really kick starts my body.
ReplyDeleteI used to feel guilty doing this, but not anymore.
My new therapist is great. She really talks about taking care of myself and letting my hubby and daughter work on their own addictions.
Years ago, I barely had the energy to get out of bed and take a shower. That's gotten better.
Anne of VA
It's been a while since I've commented. We're doing okay. Bi-weekly counseling. I have been doing a lot of stuff for myself lately like reading a lot at night and watching TV shows I like. He says he feels "disconnected" from me. No shit. You slept with someone else. Of course you feel disconnected. I feel like we're basically roommates who have sex. But there is no romance or cuddling or whatever. I honestly have a hard time feeling attracted to him emotionally. He is a selfish man with little integrity. Our counselors feel like I am "stuck." I don't know what that means other than, no I am not happy and living the way I was before I found out as if nothing happened. They want us to do a nightly devotional together. I feel like that would just make me resent him more if we study something about marriage or something religious (we were going to church twice a week throughout his affair). I still have a lot of anger, I suppose. We are 7 months out from DDay.
ReplyDeleteGrace
DeleteI wish my h understood the term disconnected! He is so emotionally disconnected to anyone and anything that interferes with his work life! The only cuddling we do is what leads to sex... I go to him when I feel the need to hug but truth is that's the way it was before the affair! One of the complaints his ow had too which by the way made me laugh out loud when she sent that text! I'm not sure what to say other than I know what you are saying! I guess I've always been one of the women that filled my true emotional needs in other ways so for now his attempts are giving me peace. Hugs for your pain! One day at a time!
Theresa the only cuddling we do leads to sex too. It's ridiculous how these mens behaviour are similar. He's emotionally disconnected too. Messed up individuals that need help. Here's hoping they get to some new normal xxxx
DeleteSamA
DeleteFor my h this is being normal! I'm okay with that as long as he doesn't disconnect again enough to seek out different sex! lol for him that was all he wanted but the whole experience backfired on him when she went batshit crazy on more than one occasion! Left him exhausted! He learned a very hard lesson on women and their emotions! He can't deal with true raw emotion of any kind. I'm learning to understand that part of him. One day at a time! I believe in letting all of my emotions out good bad and ugly! I hate it for him! Hugs!
Grace, I'm my opinion it's really good that your still managing to come together for the sexual part of your relationship, I think that's the time you become one if only for a short period. If you enjoy it that's a bonus too, it's still early days Grace, but it sounds to me like your on the right path with the counselling and getting 'stuck' is part of that path as long as you find a way to pull through that stage when it happens. Why do you think the devotional time will make you resent him? Maybe it's worth a try, nothing to lose!! Dedicating that time to each other makes such a difference in the busy schedule of life we miss opportunities for that adult time. Most of my time is centred around the kids and family stuff husband will get a look I'm every now and then lol but we are trying to make more time for us.
DeleteI hear what your saying about him being selfish Grace, any man who goes of with another woman is selfish and careless and I can understand why you don't find him 'emotionally attractive' I feel that way at times too but take your time and that will happen with his help of course.
I'm gonna say it again men are from another fuking planet, selfish creatures who look after no1. We can maybe take a leaf out of there book and be a bit more selfish. Works for them right!!
Grace keeps us informed!! Your doing great ; ) take care
I just read a Dear Carolyn column where the writer was mourning the death of her baby and the ending of her marriage. She asked Carolyn how to get through this. She said that going to a beach vacation didn't feel worth it, it still wouldn't change how she felt. Carolyn's advice is so perfect for the betrayed. I am sharing it here (with a few alterations for our stories, in brackets):
ReplyDeleteObviously you know exactly what you’ve been through, but it can help to remain mindful of your circumstances. {Honoring the experience rather than minimizing it: "I have been through a massive betrayal. I am feeling rocked to my core. I am deep emotional pain. The person I trusted committed a huge violation. }
I agree with your counselor that self-care is the answer, but not to “escape” or “change the reality.” That’s impossible, as you rightly point out, and also not the point of self-care.
To illustrate the point, I’ll suggest a different metaphor. Imagine your grief as a literal journey through this very dark place. Uphill with a heavy pack; physically exhausting; emotionally uncertain. There are no shortcuts or escapes, it’s just you and you have to do it.
Now: Self-care is what sustains you on this trip. If you don’t sleep, if you eat poorly and are quick to berate yourself, then you will falter physically and be easily discouraged. But if you give yourself proper rest, good nutrition, emotional or spiritual relief (church, poetry, meditation, nature, … ?), access to outside encouragement, and a lot of breaks — not just physical ones, but also some emotional ones by choosing not to be tough on yourself when you think you’re falling short — then it’ll be no less grueling; you’ll just be better equipped to manage the burden.
Better equipped, you can open yourself to the grief instead of pushing it back. Vertigo-inducing, but it can help.
That is the self-care I’m talking about, not palm trees and umbrella drinks (not that there’s anything wrong with those).
Beyond sleep and nutrition, such care is a matter of personal preference, but an easy option — we’re all about easy here — is to pick one from each category: exercise, art, sensory comfort, empathy.
So, for example, try yoga, favorite music playlists, making your temporary home more homey, and contacting {http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org}. Or: Run, paint, bake, lean hard on friends. Keep it simple; whatever feeds and (eventually) restores you through this grief is self-care. Peace and good luck.
-MBS
I want to also add a caveat re: friends. I think infidelity is so loaded that you need to be very thoughtful about which friends you lean on. If you are lucky to have a non-judgemental fully empathetic friend, then go for it. But even the people that love you can not "get it" and say hurtful things. That why therapists, support groups and peer counselors are so great.
DeleteMBS
Theresa, what makes affairs so much worse is when they meet a psycho woman that won't let them leave in a hurry. Most men don't want the emotional side of an affair just a quick shag and jog along. But the danger is with these dafed ow is that they are in it for so much more and become 'batshit crazy' when they are told it's over.
ReplyDeleteI'm sat in bed next to this man called my husband and it's 04.22 I'm really angry and I want to punch his lights out. He's just snoring away wtf, there is a question I wanna ask when I feel angry like this I tend to want him to go but when my anger passes I don't. My problem is not making a decision in the moment because I often regret it. I've got counselling today so I'll thrash it out there. But what do you ladies think do you wanna throw his ass out when you get that fed up angry emotion coming on and how do you stop yourself from doing it. Because like Elle says your not always gonna feel angry or sad. I'm also fed up of being the ' better person' what does that even mean? Am I in victim mode feeling sorry for myself? I don't know it's been a bad few days. Thanks for listening guys. Xxxxxx
SamA
DeleteI did feel that way in the early months! I couldn't eat or sleep and at the time my h was out of town every other week and home on weekends. It was very hard for us to reconnect other than sex on weekends. He would come home tired and after sex fall asleep snoring just like yours and I truly wanted to smoother him in his sleep! It took us months more to get all the truth I needed to move forward. Months later I still went from loving everything about him to despising all kinds of little iratating habits and it's still a work in progress for both of us! I'm hoping you find some peace in these bad days! Love yourself first!
Oh god. I just found out that the OW and her band were hired to play at an event I am planning to go to with my husband.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I do? I am in shock. Part of me wants to make out with him right in front of her. I also fantasize about walking up to her at the event and slapping her face--which I might do if I drink enough.
Ready to throw all my thoughts of being better than this out the door... please help BWs... Even if it is just some good ideas for humiliating her.
The best humiliation you can bestow upon this individual, is to take the high road, remember that you are the lady and she is the tramp, and have the time of your life with YOUR husband! While doing this, also remember that you are always the one that can do this in public and she had to 'hide' in the cover of lies for just a few minutes of sex! Hopefully she can see you are the better woman and that's why he chose your marriage over lust! Hugs! It will not be easy! Or you could change your plans and hide at home like my h and I have done for over a year! lol
DeleteI tend to agree with Theresa in taking the high road, although I would secretly take pleasure in seeing an OW humiliated. (So much for rising above on part! LOL) To this day, I avoid my husband's workplace and she's been gone since last August. I truly feared I could not keep my composure and it would end up ugly, very ugly. I reminded myself over and over that she wasn't worth the risk and knew myself well enough to realize that being in the same building with her was not a good idea. If you feel like you can be in the same room, I would suggest going and not even acknowledging her presence. Many here have said that completely ignoring the OW is a form of humiliation as they thrive on attention.
DeleteHugs!
I do plan on taking the high road. But i am pretty pissed off. I dont know if I can enjoy myself and not be preoccupied by her being there. But if I dont go, i might be even mote resentful at him and her for filthying my life. I am also worried that my husband will bail on me or be awkward and weird if we go. And I am furious that i cant be rid of her.
DeleteMBS,
DeleteYou're obviously giving this a lot of thought. What's to be gained if you go? What's to be gained by not going? If you do go, can you and your husband come up with a plan so that you're not blind-sided by him suddenly acting like an idiot? I you do go, can you "practice" what you might say/do if you bump into her? It can really help to have something of a script for yourself.
I had a similar situation about two months post D-Day. An industry event that I knew the OW would be at...but so were a lot of my friends. I had one friend who knew about the affair who came with me (I met my husband there) and who told me, looking me straight in the eye, "I've got your back. If you need me, just tell me what to do." We laughed, we said horrible things about the OW, and then we went in, prepared to hold our heads high.
It worked. The OW looked sheepish and horrible and nervous. I felt calm and strong and was determined that if I fell apart, it was going to be out of her sight.
Ultimately MBS, if you just want to stay home and watch Netflix, go for it. But this might be a chance for you to reclaim yourself. You did NOTHING wrong. You don't owe anyone anything. It might be empowering to walk into there looking great and feeling proud of who you are. You're strong. You're a survivor. You're triumphant.
I think I got it!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to be signed back in.
ReplyDeleteLynn, I wanted to tell you - I have genital herpes too. I got it from my affair partner over 25 years ago. My husband has never contracted it from me, although he has oral herpes (and I do not.). My breakouts are continuously less severe and less frequent. It is truly almost a non-issue in my life. Even still, I can see how it would infuriate you. If you had left your husband, as I did my affair partner, you could just be done with him, but like this whole mess - if we wish to reconcile it is so much more challenging!
Wanted to share - I have herpes - as do about 50% of the people in the world. My best advice to keep it at bay ... take care of yourself, stress and illness will bring on flair ups- take meds prophylacticly if you know you want to be herpes free for say a weekend away with the hubby and - take your pills as soon as you feel even the tingle - you will come to know the feeling. If I can answer any other questions, I'd be more than happy. Oh, my friend is writing a book on herpes as she found that once she started talking about it - so many of her friends (me included) had it but were too ashamed to talk about it. Silly frankly, but I get it. Hugs Dear!
Great quote. I find since dday I have said no to more things than ever before in my life. It feels different but good. It has helped my husband and I focus on our time together. Our kids enjoy the down time too. I take care of myself first then everything else. My main priority is our marriage and our kids with a big focus on making dinner and preparing food. I have found I love to cook now that I have slowed down. It is so enjoyable for me now. And it helps our family. The things I do agree to do for others I really want to do. One really positive change from before dday!
ReplyDelete