Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Guest Post: Quick tips on how to survive betrayal hell

Awhile back, Iris, who's a longtime member of our club, responded to a newcomer wondering just how to proceed with a husband who didn't seem committed to reconciling.
As usual, Iris offered up her perfect blend of common sense alongside compassion and encouragement.
I asked if I could reprint her comment as a short post so more can benefit from it. Here it is:

Quick tips on how to survive betrayal hell
by Iris

Wondering whether to stay or go? Not sure he's committed to reconciliation? 
He's dragging his feet?
Get a free half hour with a family law firm, more than one if uncertain who would be best. Find out what your rights are and if this is new to you and you are not actually a lawyer yourself, what the process of divorce would look like. Doing this makes these huge decisions less frightening. You don't have to start proceedings. Make it clear to your husband that you will not tolerate him staying in contact with this third party and that if he wants to stay married he must be prepared to share his passwords with you and recommit to your marriage. Sadly there's no guarantee that he won't take his behaviour further underground, but you will have stated your position. He should know that you're prepared to move on if he continues to disrespect you. If you're able to, explain this calmly and without getting angry or upset. I know this is hard but it makes things easier for him to hear and understand and is less exhausting for you. Realising that you're prepared to walk away may well wake him up to the reality he's created. 

But I'm doing "okay"...
You can do better than 'bumping along ok', frankly. Not worth staying around to return to that. Look at what YOU want, at who you want to be. Make a mental inventory of your skills and successes and all the things your family and friends love about you (I know, we don't do this) and award yourself your full attention.

Should we be in couples counselling?
Hard to have couples counselling until he's firmly out of the fog and committed to transparency. Your counsellor sounds good but it may be better if your husband sees someone individually. I think you'd do well to insist on this, however painful he finds it. You too. You will need to know the full extent of his activities (better for him to be honest, trickle truth is so destructive). Recovery after these blows takes real courage. I hope he realises what a gift you're giving him even considering it.

1 comment:

  1. Geez, where was this when I needed it in 2013-2014??

    Well, I hope those who come here (sadly) will heed this brilliant advice.



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