"You go on by doing the best you can. You go on by being generous. You go on by being true. You go on by offering comfort to others who can't go on. You go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and allowing the pleasure in other days."
~Cheryl Strayed, from "The Obliterated Place" in Tiny Beautiful Things
The first person I called was my mother. I don't remember the words I used to tell her I'd just found out my husband was having an affair. But I do remember asking her how to go on. How to go on when I'd just found out the person I'd built my life with was a liar. How to go on when my entire world felt shattered. How to go on when I couldn't imagine getting through the next five minutes, let alone the next week, or month, or year, or lifetime.
So many of you arrive here, on the shores of the Betrayed Wives Club with that same question: How to go on. So many of us are surprised by the depth of our pain. We might have imagined anger. We might have anticipated hurt. But this existential agony? This inability to imagine a future for ourselves free of pain? How does one prepare for that?
We cling to the experts who tell us that it takes anywhere from three to five years to heal from betrayal. We remind ourselves of the stages of grief. We look to those ahead of us who promise us that healing will come. But still...how? How to go on?
Strayed's advice is wise. "You go on by doing the best you can." Some days that "best" might be pulling the covers over your head. It might be sitting in your car sobbing after work. But other days...other days it might be noticing that the birds have returned outside your window. It might be laughing at something your child said and realizing that you had a split second where you weren't consumed with fear of what's next.
"You go on by being generous. You go on by being true." We can let betrayal make us bitter. It's all too easy to allow our anger to consume us and color the whole world black. But anger is hurt and fear wearing false armor. Anger needs your attention, absolutely. But we go on by acknowledging the hurt and fear we feel...and then being our better selves. Being generous with ourselves and those around us. Being true to ourselves and those around us.
"You go on by offering comfort to others who can't go on." This site, this "club" of me-too warriors of betrayal, has given me so much. Every day I'm struck by the kindness of all of you, the compassion with which you respond to each others' pain. By extending that hand to another, we strengthen ourselves too. By comforting each other, we heal ourselves.
"You go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and allowing the pleasure in other days." Feelings are not facts. None of us will feel this pain forever if we take the steps to heal. We can endure the pain, knowing that it will pass.
How to go on? We go on by trusting in our ability to get through this. We go on by knowing that we don't deserve this but that many of us face pain in our lives we don't deserve. We go on because the alternative is to not go on and that's a permanent response to temporary pain.
We go on because life is beautiful and exquisite and pain is part of that. And pain can be forged into healing that contributes to our wisdom and our compassion and our own beauty.
We go on.
Elle
ReplyDeleteWhen I first found this blog, I was still grieving for the loss of my sister my bff until I married my h. The sting of my h and the betrayal of everything I held dear was everything I read in the stories gathered here! The details of our stories vary, but the pain is shared by all. I'm like you in that I have been validated by others that share and give support as well as advice on how to cope with all of the emotional up and downs as we stagger through one more day. I'm still so grateful for this blog!
Theresa,
DeleteYou're one of the most active "members" and always have thoughtful advice or just compassionate support. You certainly pay it forward and we're the richer for it.
I recently stumbled across this blog, and I'm so grateful
DeleteIn June will be 1 year since H cheated. I will never forget that day. Not only did it destroy my foundation, it was also my birthday. Thanks for the memories. I have been on a roller coaster since August. Just as I think I am getting to a good place, it again becomes out of reach. His behavior will change, not in a bad way, but it's enough to make my mind think the worse. There are times I feel so crazy that I should be committed. I am thankful that I am not alone, and I am normal. Well as normal as can be. Your stories are helping me get through my own. Thank you for being so brave and sharing. You have all helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cheryl,
DeleteI'm glad you found us. One thing I discovered that helped me get past the constant fear that maybe there was something going on that I just didn't know about was to really focus on being in the moment as much as possible. Right now, I'm fine. Right now, the worst is over. Etc. Suffering, as the Buddha says, comes from living in the past and the future.
Oh how I needed to hear this today! I never imagined the pain, anger, and hurt. Never in a million years would I have thought it would hurt to the very depths of my being. I had many days where I thought I wouldn't survive, but I did. H and I have been talking/fighting since Sunday and he just wants us to be happy. To move forward. (We've been to counseling where we learned tools to share our thoughts and feelings with each other). Which is what I try to do. There's good days, bad days. I'm really doing the best that I can. There are days that my head is in the right place and I trust what he says is true and that he means it. But there are days that stories run through my mind making me a crazy woman, making me worry, making me, and him, miserable. Oh the stories our minds like to tell us - damn I hate that! He says I have no reason not to trust him (he was one of the most honest & moral men I knew prior to this). I often wonder if I'll always be this crazy person. And how do I go on? How do I move on? We are 3 mos from Dday and feel we're making progress. He recently admitted that he now understands that I need more time to heal. So this morning, after a tenuous discussion with H, I decided that I WAS going to have a good day. That I WAS going to move forward.
ReplyDeleteThere were so many dark days when I wanted to permanently disappear. But knew that wasn't the solution. It would hurt my children and grandchildren and they would feel a kind of pain no one needs to bear. So I went on and did the best I could to make it through those days. And I survived. Some days better than others, but I survived!
I/we will survive this (I do love my H so much). Today I will allow myself to be happy and find some joy. I, too, am overwhelmed by the kindness and support I've received here. I'm sorry we have to be here, but I'm thankful for the support I receive.
I will go on. Today I will take pleasure in the beautiful day. I know that today I'll do the best I can.
Thank you for your wonderful words. They helped more than you know.
Anonymous,
DeleteThat you're capable of such positive intention and insight at just three months out is incredible. You won't always feel like a crazy person. You will get to a point where this is a miserable chapter in your life...not the whole story.
These sound like my exact words, only its been 6 months now. I still have some bad times but many more good days. I said bad "Times" purposely because I have chosen to not let the negative effect my whole day. I won't give it that power. Best of luck to you!
DeleteSuch a beautifully written post--as always Elle, your words and your heart become a road map for the limping and the lost. It has been a year since D-Day and I worried I had simply become more effective in my brokenness. I wasn't clear on what I had learned. What I discovered yesterday was that like the seedlings currently worming their ways through the silent Earth, there was much happening it just hadn't seen the light of day! Yesterday I discovered I was being sued by a wretched former business partner I haven't seen in six years (indeed the relationship I shared with her was a mirror image of the marital one in terms of what I permitted/ignored and how I endured a good trampling!). Suddenly all the covert changes of the past year bloomed into my being and the old pie maker who would have been shattered with fear (I've always been hysterically non-confrontational) acknowledged just how much this sucks, but I am new now. Like something forged by hellfire or former crumbs of sand collapsed into a diamond I saw a changed incarnation of Shawn. I will experience this and go on. I will shudder, groan, struggle and belch with discomfort and fear and I will go on. The potential miracle inside the manure pile is that THIS time I am stronger and braver. THIS time I have a man by my side who is authentically present and supportive. In the vortex of betrayal I gained skills that will make me better at living. The Women of BWC may not always know it or feel it--but there is a hard earned, richly deserved miracle brewing inside of them. Shawn
ReplyDeleteOh Shawn,
DeleteYour words give me chills. I think a lot of us can't see the positive changes within ourselves until we need to tap into them. I'm sorry you need to but so glad that THIS go-round, you're ready to face your foe with head high. What a powerful realization you've had. Yay you!!!!
Thank you for these words, Elle. My first impulse, like yours, was to call my mother. But I couldn't do it, couldn't bear to put her through the pain. Five years earlier, yes, back when she was still the strong and independent woman I had always known, I would have called her in a heartbeat. But at the time I found out about the betrayal (12/26/14), my mother was in decline, and I thought it would be cruel to tell her because she really adored my husband (and vice versa). It would have shattered her. My mother died in October 2015. Caring for her during her last months and dealing--together--with the grief has actually been good for me and my husband in the healing process. I will always struggle with the idea that I lied to her (by withholding, a lie of omission), and frankly, I really missed having her support when I most needed it. But it was a decision I made, and I have to live with that.
ReplyDeleteElisa,
DeleteI told my mother what I knew when I first learned of my husband's affair. A few weeks later, she caught pneumonia, fell into a coma and the hospital urged us to consider whether we wanted life support or not. I went to the hospital and whispered in her ear: "Not now, Mom. I need you." The doctors called it a "miracle" that she came out of the coma and recovered beautifully. Six months later, I found out the rest of my husband's story. Not one affair, but many. Over years and years. I didn't tell my mother. Two weeks later, my mother went into the hospital "not feeling well" and died that evening. Before she died, I went to her hospital bed and whispered in her ear: "You're so tired, Mom. You can let go. I'm going to be just fine."
We do the best we can. Your ability to not burden your mother with your pain is incredibly unselfish. You didn't lie to her. We are all entitled to our privacy.
I remain convinced that those who love us know more than we give them credit for. Your mother loved you and you loved her. Perhaps that's all you both needed at that point -- to bask in each other's loyalty and love.
Thank you for sharing your story and your empathy, Elle. I am grateful for it.
DeleteOne thing that really helped me: to remember that my track record of getting through bad days so far has been 100%. There were times I thought it would kill me, but I'm still here.
ReplyDeleteI love that, Gee. How true.
DeleteGee, I'm with you. I am 9.5 months out and that is my track record. I'm working on a contingency plan in case things do not work out long term. My husband came clean about a life long porn addiction that morphed into a full blown sex addiction with prostitutes. Early in the marriage he had a brief fling but moved on with the porn and finally prostitutes. He has been very clean and sober since the disclosure and knows that one slip means we are done. I had a dream the other night and shared it with him. In the dream he told me he was a suicide bomber but promised not to blow us up. Wow, what an analogy. I'm hanging in there with you girlfriend.
DeleteGood stuff right there, Gee! I am going to use that. A little over 7 mos post DDay and been having some rough days lately. Feeling a little alone and lost. I am so thankful for the wise words that are shared on this site!
DeleteLove this post <3
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteI am ten months out from my DDay. My husband had a seven week affair with my next door neighbor, a friend of ours. We hung out her and her husband often during the affair. We'd have drinks and let the kids play in the yard hours after they'd had oral sex in her basement.
ReplyDeleteI get these posts on my email and they help so much. It's as if each one speaks to something I am thinking about, and then the follow-up posts from other women help me feel as though I am not alone. I am not going crazy.
Some days are good. Some moments are horrible. We still fight about it a lot. I'd like some advice in dealing with the following:
*Have any of you experienced it like this, where it was a friend living close to you? We had to move out, buy another house and are waiting for the other one to sell. We built that house. I brought our babies home to that house. (now ages 11 and 8)We've had to shoulder 2 mortgages, therapy bills and other expenses as a direct result of his actions.
*I see that whore in town every now and then. How do I get past the rage I feel for her?
*I'm tired of hearing about "what was wrong in the marriage" when I talk in therapy. I am NOT in a place to hear about what was my fault. Because even if we say there is no excuse, it still implies blame. I was there! I was unhappy too! Our son has behavioral issues and we were stressed out and disconnected. I know! But I did not have an affair with my next door neighbor!!
*There are days I feel that we can rebuild. My husband is so remorseful. He recognizes what he has done, all he has destroyed. He also knows that I may not end up staying in the long run. I may be so hurt by the betrayal that it splits us, despite all the hard work he is doing now.
How will I know? I AM STILL SO ANGRY, so angry that that was his choice. That he could leave work, come home and fuck her in my basement then return home later to his family, to me!! That she could share drinks and food in her home and accept my Mother's Day gift of bracelets for watching my daughter daily, all while fucking my husband. I cannot understand it!!
Anyway, thanks for listening. I apologize if my language is harsh. I hope I can feel accepted to blow here. Their actions were nasty, so it's how I talk about it. Her husband discovered their disgusting texts and shared them in a group text. That's how my DDay began ten months ago. I got to see all the things they texted each other. I am haunted. Angry. Disgusted. Hurt. And I wonder how I will get through it. Thanks for listening!
Anonymous,
DeleteI sometimes think that anger is a fire that needs to burn itself out. We need to ensure we're not constantly feeding it...but nonetheless, it will burn until there's nothing left to burn.
Your anger is hardly surprising. To be betrayed so intimately -- in your home, with your children present, by a next-door neighbour is making my own blood pressure boil. Your rage is justified. But behind that rage is an ocean of hurt. Anger is a mask. And I wonder if, despite your husband's remorse, you're still not feeling as if there's a true accounting for just what was done to you. YOU were there too. YOU had just as much reason to cheat. But you didn't.
What do you think you need to let the anger fire burn out? Do you need to hear more from your husband? Do you think that once the house is sold and the details of that cleaned up that you can move on? Is part of your anger that the next-door neighbour is still walking around as if nothing happened? See if you can get clear on your anger. Write horrible long letters to everyone you're pissed off, including people in your past. See if you can help the anger fire burn out more quickly. Not because you don't have every right to be angry but because your anger will, eventually, consume you too.
Betrayal is devastating. It's the deepest pain I've ever experienced and I suspect just about every woman here would agree that it was that for them too.
Your husband royally fucked up. You'll get no hassles from us for the way you've described the situation. There's plenty of salty language on this site. So please...continue to share. Vent as much as you need to. Don't send those nasty letters I've asked you to write, just write and write and write until it's all there on the page. Then light them on fire. Don't let the actions of your husband and idiot neighbour change who you fundamentally are. Be angry. And then let the anger reveal the deep hurt that's behind it.
Tell the therapist that you need more of a reckoning before you can get to the "here's where I fit in" stage of therapy. See if you can talk out what you need from your husband. Personally, I needed to know that he was even more disgusted with himself than I was. I needed to hear, over and over, that he was a total ass who didn't deserve me. I needed to know that his commitment to healing himself was going to happen even if I dumped his ass. That he wanted to be a better person. And I needed to stop thinking about the OW because she was just a convenient, available distraction for my husband. That's it. Nobody special.
Hang in there, Anonymous. You will get through this. Ten months isn't actually so long when we're dealing from the deep pain of betrayal.
Anonymous
DeleteOh the rage and anger I still had at 10 months! I can still get to the rage point if I trigger. My h has learned to see my emotions escalating and now he's able to find a way to calm me by showing me he has changed and will not allow himself to go back to the old ways which for us was avoiding any and all confrontation. Trust me my h had to endure many months of not knowing what my emotions were doing when he came home from work. He also has had to come clean of many more details than he was comfortable with me knowing but his ow spilled so much 'truth'/lies that he had no choice but to explain what she meant by her texts and from what I learned my h was looking for sex during a mid life crisis and she was looking for her next happy ever after because she divorced her h to be with mine! She didn't sit well with being dumped by him and she had to go to jail and a year later reminded by the judge to leave us the hell alone. So for two years now we've been trying to move forward only to slip back by the constant triggers the ow kept throwing out at us. I'm ashamed of how I treated my h during some of my rants but it did seem that it helped me spit out most of the anger and only after I realized I was making my own world unhappy was I able to find a way to get back the happy that I felt had been stolen by the crazy bitch! I'm with Elle, the more I vented here the stronger I have become. I'm now having more happy and less of the pity party that I allowed in the beginning! Hugs for your pain! I too know how much it hurts and how angry it makes you feel!
Anonymous, rage on. I agree with everything Elle and Theresa said. I still wonder if we will last, but h is working hard and not once has he defended his actions. I told our therapist that I'm not perfect, but I did NOTHING to deserve this. I love him and tried to get him help when he was irritible/depressed, and he flat out refused. I was nice to ow, I even defended her when the other moms said mean things about her circling h. Our kids are at school & sports together every day (FML!). I call it the nightmare that keeps on giving. We haven't run into ow, but it's only a matter of time. Stay strong, Anonymous, and keep us posted.
DeleteAnonymous, my situation is different but I'm only a few months ahead of you. I did not personally know the OW but she did see pictures of me and my children in my husband's office. She did meet my children when he took them to the office. She routinely "liked" their pictures on Facebook while she was carrying on with my husband, which infuriates me. Your rage is fully justified given the circumstances.
DeleteAs far as using harsh language to describe their actions, it is what is. In my house, we call it what it was and that's fucking. Trashy sex in his truck in public parking lots. There was nothing romantic about it. She was his own personal porn star. Plain and simple.
I promise you, there's probably nothing you could say that would offend me. I had a bit of a potty mouth before my H's affair but even I have been shocked by some of the things that have come out of my mouth since finding out. This is a safe place to vent.
Hang in there! Hugs!
Dear Anonymous--please read and re-read Elle's words because she is right. In my rage phase I screamed, slapped him, broke shit, started smoking, listened to Eminem until my ears throbbed and then I did it all over again--for months and months. For me, the anger (horrible as it was) actually was an "operating system" that kept me afloat. It was ugly, but it carried the part of me that was shattered with sadness and seemingly incapable of carrying on. Please know the anger will gradually retreat, but as for when or how...that will be as unique to you as a fingerprint. As you excavate the betrayal I sincerely hope you find whatever necessary to instruct your healing. We get it here (Elle so generously provides the forum that elevates "me too" into "we too". You will not scare, shock, disappoint offend here we are in the trenches with you which means you are NEVER alone. Shawn.
DeleteDandelion you are so much like me, I sometimes surprise myself about how potty mouth I can be following the affair your right it's dirty porn style shit. Fucking in a car my h did that too the sad man but even sadder for the ow who thought she had it all lol. She didn't have anything I would want seriously other than her being 10 years younger than me there is no comparison in my eyes anyhow. We have every right to be angry, but like Elle quite rightly says that can be a mask of fear so as long as your feeling other emotions too I would say your doing just fine. If however the anger is consuming you daily get some help to move you forward in your healing. I rarely get angry these days I'm around 30 months from d day 1 and a couple of months from d day 2 she ain't worth my anger to be honest. I just wanna get out of life what I put into it, life is so very precious. I love you ladies lots you guys have helped my healing so much thank you xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI am so very grateful for all of the amazing women on this site and all of your kind and encouraging words. To go along with a key point on this post, I wanted to begin by offering some comfort to those of you who are feeling like me... sad, confused, crushed, betrayed, and somehow still in love with my stupid, broken, cheating, beautiful husband. During a recent session with my therapist, we explored a sort of pattern that seems to occur with men who have responsible, put-together, and often educated/career-successful wives. When these husbands cheat, they tend to do so with less responsible, less successful, immature, and often younger women than their wives. I will go on to explain that this describes my situation fairly well. And it seems to be the case of many women on this site... Women who are articulate and educated, who strive to be better people in spite of all the shit we're facing. Thank you for sharing your stories and your comforting words with me. You have also helped me to understand that this didn't happen because I wasn't enough. I may not be perfect and have plenty of things I need to work on (like everyone), but I have always been enough. This message echoes over and over again on this site and it's such an important one. In my situation, there are actually about a hundred contributing factors as to why my husband and I ended up where we are and I'm only just beginning to understand them. If you are interested in my story, keep reading...
ReplyDeleteI found out about my husband's affair about 5 weeks ago. I am a 30-yr.-old mother of a 2-yr. old boy. 2 days after he turned 2, I found an e-mail that changed my life forever. My husband of almost 6 years, my best friend for over 11 years was having a 1 1/2 year affair with a girl he once worked with. She left an entire online trail of their relationship with public Facebook, Instagram, etc. posts filled with cute photos and romantic ramblings about my husband. I found out my husband and this girl (I can't bring myself to call her a woman) stayed in local hotel rooms, went on day/weekend trips, plays,netc. (These were all things I longed for my husband to plan and do for me, by the way.) There is, of course, more to the story, including a whole lot of boundary crossing concerning my son, but I think you get the big picture. The levels of betrayal really run deep. I didn't think I could feel pain this deep. I've even said that this has been worse than when my own father died. It's a different type of pain, yes, but the hurt is so much worse. At least when someone dies, you have a funeral to help bring closure to everyone's lives. I do not yet have closure with my current situation and I probably won't for a very long time. (3-5 years is it?) And even after all that time, will this be something I'll ever really get over? Will this disgusting feeling in my stomach ever go away forever? While questions like these honestly scare the shit out of me, I have learned that I need to stay hopeful and fight like hell to give it my best try. I am hopeful that the worst of the pain is over for now. At this point, I feel pretty confident that I have gathered enough information about my husband's affair to come to the best understanding I can about what the hell happened. There is nothing else I'm going to find that will change what I already know. My husband is a deeply broken person who has been hiding it well for a long time. We have never been great communicators because we have always wanted to avoid "drama" with one another. Now that everything is out, we have no choice but to face each other and everything that has been left unsaid for so long. I have been lucky that my husband has been nothing but remorseful and cooperative since getting caught. He has cut off all communication with the other girl and I only embarrassed myself minimally in a few online interactions with her. She took down all of the pictures, etc. online and has pretty much disappeared. She'll never understand what she did to me and my family and that's just something I'm going to have to live with. As the dust has settled and I've learned more about my husband and affairs in general, the more I have began to see that the relationship my husband had with this other girl was not at all what it seemed, especially not the desperate depiction she attempted to chronicle online. My husband and I do love each other very much. His affair was more about fulfilling emptiness within himself when a heart-eyed, young, pretty bimbo was all too willing to participate in helping him distract him from his real-life. (I know I should be blaming him, and I do... But I can't help but put some of the blame on her considering everything.) My husband is now in the process of moving back into our house and we are committed to working on our marriage. I know that it's not going to be easy. We are going to continue therapy, both together and separately. Honestly, it might work out and it might not. But either way, I know I will be okay. I've survived this much so far. I have already learned so much about myself, my husband, about love, and life in general. As I continue to move forward and heal, I will do everything in my power to ensure that I not only survive this, but that I become a better person because of it. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
ReplyDeleteKatie Lucas, you are simply amazing!
DeleteKL,
DeleteYep, you are going to be just fine. I'm glad you'll have the support of a therapist as you move towards healing from this. But you have a clear-eyed view of affairs in general and your husbands in particular. Learning how to communicate is a crucial part of any marriage and many of us are just not very good at it. Thanks for sharing your story, Katie. I'm glad you found us. I hope you'll continue to post. There are so many wise, wonderful women on this site.
Katie,
DeleteYour insight and strength inspires me, even more so given that it's only been five weeks.
And I agree with a number of the things you said to include the level of pain associated with infidelity. I lost my mom, who was both mother and best friend to me, and there are days where this hurts so much worse than that.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Katie Lucas, just wanted to say at 5 weeks out you are doing amazing. It took me a lot longer to get the clear full picture that you already see and the understanding that this was about your husband, not you. I am 8 months out and share a very similar story - I found out just before my son's 2 birthday via a message on the iPad (although my H had left 4 weeks prior to me finding out - telling me he didn't love me anymore because he was in so deep he was running scared, knee deep in his own shit he couldn't face up to it and be honest - so took the easy escape. We now also know through counselling he was actually on the verge of a nervous breakdown as a result of his actions) the OW (like you I don't like to use the word 'woman' as she is an immature 'girl') was a much younger girl from my H's work, the affair had gone on for 18 months and they stayed in 5 star hotels. I have been fortunate enough to have counselling since the discovery, my H too and we also have joint counselling. Both have been of immense help - my own counselling has literally saved me some days when I felt like no-one else understood (like we talk about a lot on this site, it's true that no-one can understand it unless they've been in this situation). Like you said, communication is key and the joint counselling has now instilled a level of communication I thought we had, but clearly didn't. My H and I are still separated but are spending a lot of time together, have been away as a family and are about to go without our son. He is trying hard in every possible way to win me back and re-start our marriage. I still don't know what the outcome will be, but I will say that at 5 weeks I could never have imagined kissing my H like I did today or letting him cook me dinner. Most days I feel positive that I want to start our marriage over but I think my defences are still a little too high to fully give into that idea! Some days I still ask myself the questions you've asked - will I ever get over this? Will the sick feeling in my stomach ever go away? But I ask myself those questions far far less than I did at 5 weeks and I know from the advice from all the amazing ladies on this site, time is everything and it's so true. Yeah yeah I thought, I'm never get to feel even a tiny bit better ever again, but I do, despite still not having decided the outcome. So just give yourself time, no need to rush and just make sure you take care of yourself. This healing process is all about ebbs & flows. Your H, as mine, spent a long time only thinking of themselves, so now it's your turn. Easier said than done with a 2 year old I know! Lots of hugs.
DeleteThank you so much for your replies. I am, as always, blown away by the outpouring of compassion and words of wisdom from the women on this site. Coping, our stories really are so similar. I can't tell you how much it means to know that there is another new mom out there who feels just like me. Thank you for offering your advice, especially about taking my time with healing. This is definitely something that I've struggled with in the last few days/weeks as we've decided to have my husband start moving back in. (He actually stayed with us this weekend.) I know that each marriage and situation is different (and there is no official manual on how to navigate yourself out of this kind of devastation), but I was wondering what others were thinking concerning separation time before letting cheating husbands come back home? I made my husband leave the night I found out about his affair, initially thinking that we were headed straight for divorce. Now that the dust has settled and it's clear we're motivated to work on our marriage, I haven't really known what's "right" in taking our first steps moving forward. Our therapist felt strongly that if we knew we were motivated to work things out, then we should be doing so from under the same roof. (We are still married, after all, he pointed out.) He also pointed out that we've already spent a great deal of time distanced from each other before all this devastation even happened. (Which is true.) We are now being encouraged to set boundaries and contracts for our marriage as we prepare to live together full-time again. (Which is a whole other topic for discussion.) I am comfortable with our decision to have my husband come back after 2 months, but as with just about everything these days, I still have some fear and doubt. Has anyone else been given similar or different advice? What have your experiences been like in letting your cheating husbands come back home?
DeleteHi Katie. It's shit we had to meet this way, but glad we can share thoughts and feelings here.
DeleteI don't think there are rights or wrongs - it is whatever feels right for YOU. My H and I are still living separately because that's my decision - he is slowly spending more time at the house and staying at weekends too. I have friends who think I should have divorced him already, but as my parents keep telling me, it's no-one else's sodding business because it's not their life. Our therapist and my own haven't encouraged us to live together again - even though the path we are taking is one of reconciliation - they have said all of the healing is so personal, no-one can tell you what to do, you can only listen to yourself. I've really struggled with this - sometimes I'm so sick of it all, I just want someone to tell me what to do! Fear and doubt is completely normal, you have been betrayed so deeply. Do whatever feels right for you, as we have learnt the hard way, all steps are a leap of faith! Sometimes you have to jump to see how it feels - some days even holding my H's hand is a leap of faith I still have such high walls built up! As my counsellor keeps reminding me too - you can change your mind. If he moves back in, it doesn't mean you can't change your mind if it doesn't feel right after all.
I agree with coping that every person has to do what feels right for them and great point that it can change too. For me I never seriously thought abiut having my husband move out. I think part of this healing process and reconciliation is him seeing and also working through my pain and his pain too even though they were his choices. And honestly I used to think he was way past me in this healing process. But for him at least he was repressing it and pushing it aside. He was always taking responsibility but as much as this has hit me it has hit him too. He has said it is and will be his deepest regret ever and he hates that he did this to our marriage, me and our family. And for me I am glad now that I did not have him move out. It has worked for us. It has been a major change since he was a quiet and detached person before. Now he seeks me out a lot if not almost always. And at night I wake up and he is right next to me always touching me. We joke we need to downsize our bed now. So lots of positives from it all. Still lots to work on but lots of steps forward.
DeleteYep, I agree that the whole "right" way to do this can get in the way of learning to trust ourselves and move forward with what feels right -- or right-ish -- for us.
DeleteI'm finding the same thing as Hopeful 30.
DeleteWe went from months of sleeping in separate rooms, not speaking to my husband lottery wrapped around me at night.
He's told me that is loosing that closeness made him feel lonely and rejected. But it just was all the fighting... We didn't communicate. We fought.
Now while we fight still cause if what he did...we communicate most of the time.
And sadly, as much as the affair hurts...it was so bad before I found out that I was sure we would not survive and the day to day alone was worse.
Still struggling most the time but we are at least connected and have not been in forever..
Hello ladies, very interesting (and scary) article on cover of Time about porn - especially poignant for those caring for/raising children. I encourage you all to read it.
ReplyDeleteOh, Elle...this one's a keeper for sure, saved to my screen shots.
ReplyDeleteI know it is a lot of work to keep this blog going, and you give a lot of yourself. But I hope you realize how much you have truly changed the lives of so many people.
Thank-you Phoenix. It takes a lot of time but it doesn't often feel like "work". Instead, it's a place we can all retreat to. I gain so much from all of you...
DeleteDear women on the site, I have a problem that feels silly but I need your advice.
ReplyDeleteIt is 3 months since d day. Next weekend is my sister in laws engagement party. I don't feel up to going - especially because each time I meet my in laws and extended relatives some busybody makes cracks about how its time to have kids. Usually I just laughed this off - now I feel it will lead me to make some bitter comment.
My husband is completely OK with my not going and says he will make up some last minute fake excuse like food poisoning. But my mother keeps nagging me to go - saying stuff like "I didn't bring you up to behave like this". She know about the infidelity but never once has made one supportive comment, never once asked me if I was OK. I told her, and the first thing she said was "let's not tell your dad about this" and since then she has pretended I never told her anything.
It feels good writing this down. In a funny way the infidelity is making things with my husband better - he really sees how much he has hurt me and really tries to be better to me. But it is leading to a breakdown in my relationship with my mom and mom-in-law
Anonymous,
DeleteYou probably know that I tend to bang on a lot on this site about "boundaries". I'm generally referring to our partners but not exclusively. Betrayal can bring out a lot of our own issues -- including how many of us don't have very clear boundaries in many of our relationships, not just with our husbands.
You're getting a clear picture of this. Your mother has made it very clear that your pain makes her highly uncomfortable -- so uncomfortable that she is essentially telling you to pretend you're not feeling it. I suspect this isn't anything new with her. I suspect that you've lived a lifetime hiding your own feelings to make those around you comfortable. But while that might have worked as a survival skill when you were young, it's not serving you an adult, especially now that you're feeling the worst pain of your life.
Your pain is legitimate. It's not your job to make people around you comfortable. It's your job to treat your own feelings with respect. It's your job to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for other people's feelings, just your own.
So...if you don't want to go to your sister-in-law's party, then don't go. Prepare for counter moves (as the brilliant Barbara Coloroso calls them). Prepare for passive-aggression on the part of those around you ("must be nice to be able to stay home and relax"), be prepared for sulking, be prepared for anger. Don't take the bait. You are taking care of yourself and it's not your job to please people. You are not taking this decision to stay home lightly. It's not selfish. It's self-preservation. But if you've spent most of your life being/doing what others want, then it's going to take some time for people to get used to the new you. And it's going to take some time for YOU to get used to the new you. It will feel really uncomfortable. You will feel selfish and self-centred. You will feel a pull to just give in. You will tell yourself you're making a big deal out of nothing, that you should be a "good" daughter/daughter-in-law. You are tending to your wound and that is what you need to do right now.
If, on the other hand, you do decide to go, YOU get to decide how long you stay. I would urge you to not go for the "easy" lie -- ie. food poisoning. I think those sort of white lies contribute to a culture of dishonesty and could be part of what got your husband into trouble in the first place.
Instead, practice saying "I'm not going to be able to make it but please know I'll be thinking of you. I hope we can celebrate together soon." Or whatever phrasing makes sense to you. "No" is a complete sentence. Practice until you can do it. Learn to sit with the discomfort. It won't kill you, though I might feel like it will.
Anonymous, this is the chance for you to recreate your relationships. To build relationships based on honesty and integrity and a respect for your own feelings, which are totally valid.
Thank you, Elle. It's a little scary even contemplating going for honesty instead of the easy lie. But I will be think of trying this. Thank you
DeleteMelissa - you get it. I'm fond of my sister in law..but I think I'm just not up to the social niceties just yet. I needed the reminder to be less harsh on myself. I am trying to stop thinking of this as a time when I m "weak" and stop telling myself that its time to put the happy face back on, ASAP. It's OK to be less than perfect. That seems to be really obvious but I am still trying to believe this deep down. Hugs and love to you xx
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI've been thinking a lot about your post this week. It really struck a chord with me, and I hadn't been sure why -- I don't live near family, we're new to our city, I've told almost no one, including my parents -- so I don't have the same family & social pressure as you. But I figured out what it is -- at 10 months out (and a long way to go), my only regret in my behavior since finding out about my H's adultery is that I did not give myself more care in the early days. Truly -- I'm okay with every other ridiculous thing I did upon discovery -- and there were plenty -- but I should have given myself more care.
So please, be careful with yourself. Hear what Elle & Melissa wrote to you, re-read it every day this week if it helps.
Really, "no" is a complete sentence. Throw a "thank you" on the end of it and have no second thoughts. You don't need to give any reason. In fact, you don't even need to give yourself a reason at this point. You can just not want to go. It doesn't mean you aren't a good sis-in-law, it means you can't go to this one party this one weekend. Big picture, folks.
And as for not being raised to behave like this... none of us were raised for this sort of behavior, were we? But here we are. Through no fault of our own, with nothing to be ashamed of. So take care with yourself and the rest will follow. Hugs.
Anonymous, my feeling? Don't go to the shower. One day you will be comfortable at these types of events, but not now. As for your mom - she simply doesn't get it and probably never will. Although my mom is an amazing, wise, kind woman - she doesn't get my situation. I will tell her at times, yet she is of the belief, "it happened, now forgive and move on." Like I said, she doesn't get it. And you know what? That's fine. I truly believe you do not get it, unless you live it. The best I can explain to people is, "I've been through death; I've been through divorce- this is more painful than either. " Try as we might to describe it (and as we all know, Elle is a treasure) unless you've lived it - you don't get it. This is why I am here every day - standing tall with my fierce and fabulous warriors.
ReplyDeleteOne final note: as Elle always tells us, "be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself." You must come first right now. In fact, on the day of the shower, go ahead and schedule a massage, or a spa day. Not in spite or anything like that - simply as a gesture of love to yourself. One day you will be back going to all the showers etc, for now, today ... it's about you. Love & Light
Yes! A thousand times yes! Thank-you Melissa.
DeleteFor me...just about 2 months since I found out..I'm still so angry and cry almost daily..
ReplyDeleteIn my case, he cut the OW out. Actually he ended it which is why she told me. She was sure I would kick him out.
I tried but he refused to leave saying he only wanted me (we were in a bad place before...barely speaking...slept in separate rooms etc)
I'll admit...knowing he cut her off.... That she's sad and lonely helps.
Knowing he choose me...helps.
Still I know it's gonna be a long road...
But for now, knowing she lost... Helps..
Shelley,
DeleteYes it's going to be a long road. But it can be the beginning of you and he finding your way back to each other. It takes hard work and a real commitment to rebuilding a relationship based on total honesty and respect and compassion. But the rewards can be worth it.
Shelley
DeleteI feel your pain and I remember thinking how happy I was that he chose us! Cow (crazy ow) spilled her truths and some lies trying to piss me off and run me out of my marriage. For the next few months you will find yourself being both happy and mad that you are choosing to stay with your h. Don't let these highs and lows get to you. I like you took what comfort I could in the first year of this walk. We are still a work in progress but we are gaining strength and learning how to make us a better together team. I almost packed my bags and walked away but I love the old goat and we've been married 38 years this October and I believe that this is the better or for worse that I vowed when we married and I'm counting on nothing but better now that both of us are changed by his choice to have different sex... Continue to take the best care of you that you can.. When the road gets bumpy, come back and read more and share more as I have found this blog has so much advice on how to wobble but not fall as I continue on! Hugs for the fact that you are in the club!
Thank you both.
DeleteReading and sharing helps calm me again at those times I look at him and get visions of him touching her...and then want to scream.
It's crazy how you can have a great moment and a simple comment or thought can trigger that anger.
We had a good day today. It started when I got out of bed to make coffee and saw him reaching for me still half asleep. Then he decided to come have lunch with me (day off) and held my hands at the table.....then cleaned the house so it was nice when I got home then ending the day by laying next to me on the couch holding me while we watched a movie.
Yet in it all...I still feel angry. Angry that we didn't find our way back on our own. That I can't just enjoy this...that I still have that anger...
It's like an internal battle.
I'm rambling..its late
But I appreciate everyone's comments. It helps. Cause like everyone says, you just can't understand unless you have been there too.
Shelley,
DeleteThat anger is legitimate. It speaks to the incredible hurt you feel. You can't gloss over that pain and force yourself to focus only on the good. You need to make room for both emotions -- the happiness that you're finding your way back to each other and the sadness of his betrayal. When you're not suppressing either, you're less likely to react and instead to simply feel the feeling.