The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
THIS.I keep waiting to not be afraid...as if feeling no fear about deciding to move forward and try again with H will prove I am making the right decision...Yet again, Elle, you nailed it. Thank you.
Yeah, this one hit me hard too. So often we think that if we're afraid, then it mustn't be the "right" thing to do. We forget that courage is being afraid...and doing it anyway.
I love that! Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway! I do that with my mother ever time I take her to the doctor and now I do it each day with my h! Didn't even know that's what I was doing! Thanks Elle!
Yes, Elle, you nailed this one. I often wonder if I'll always be afraid of so many things now - is he telling the truth, is he still seeing the OW but just getting really good at hiding it, has he perfected lying to me and himself. But my biggest fear -- is he playing me for a fool because I so easily forgave him.I'm very well aware of the mind movies and this certainly ties into them. It sucks. It really, really sucks. Even though I'm afraid, I'll just have to go on anyway. I have to. I wish I didn't, but I have to.Thanks for the word hug today. I needed it :)
How can you tell the difference between feeling fear and actually doing the wrong thing?
Shannon,I think it's important to do something of an inventory of choices you've made throughout life. Take some quiet time and really consider -- or journal -- about those choices. What did they feel like? How did you know they felt "right"? What does "right" feel like? What has "wrong" felt like? Have you regretted choices that felt right but turned out to be wrong? Have you pushed through fear to discover that you were on the right path? I'm not sure there's a clear answer (if there is, can somebody please provide it??); it's more a matter of you getting to know yourself so that you can begin to trust your gut responses. In my experience, I've made choices that I've known were "wrong" but that I haven't wanted to admit were wrong, out of fear, or disappointment. I've ignored paths that, in hindsight, I wish I'd taken, out of fear. I've let fear stop me from a lot of things early in life...and it's my one real regret about my life. That I didn't close my eyes and jump more often. That I let fear hold me back.But that's me. You need to think about your choices and your life. You need to really examine your value system and what's important to you. Get to know yourself better. Pay attention to your gut responses to things. And I would also suggest that you be flexible with the words "right" and "wrong". Short of doing something illegal or unethical, right and wrong are pretty arbitrary.
I think in order to say a choice was wrong, we have to know how the alternative choice would have played out. Since we can't know that, we can't be wrong! lol I think the part of our brain that likes to think we can control things deludes us into thinking we could have produced a different outcome by making "better" choices but that's bullshit when you can't predict with any accuracy how your choices will affect others, can't take into consideration things you aren't aware of and can't predict what choices other people will make. You just make your choices and roll the dice.
Aelia,That's exactly it. It feels terrifying to admit just how little we actually control. But there's a liberation in it, if we look for it. We only have to control ourselves. What freedom. And we're free to respond to others in the way that is healthiest for us.
Two weeks ago , I left my husband , packed my things no contact at all. I'm only 34 yrs. old and we've been married for almost 14 years , for numerous times he cheated on me and I easily forgave him because I'm afraid to be alone not knowing what will be my future coz he's my first bf and I don't have any kid, but then I realized I was all alone and Im the one who want to save the marriage and do things I can never imagined I can but what triggers me the most he still lying about the affair- he went for 3 days weekend getaways saying he will be with his friends (duh) , when he came back that night I packed all my things - we are in the same bed I could not sleep at all, I just walked away , I did not look on him or say anything.. I blocked all his calls and messages on my phone.Now yes Im still afraid what will be my future but Im much calmer and on my peace of mind, I don't know what will happened next but God gave me strength to decide what will be my future- free from cheater and lies , I cant imagine my life spending another 14 years wasted, begging, & crying for the love that was never meant for me. Just want to be free and live the life that I really wanted .. I still believe that when its too painfull to stay on marriage we just need to let go and find a way to be happy again :)
Someone needs to tell you, Anonymous, you're a rock star. Go. Be. Happy.
I so agree with Denise, Anonymous! It takes so much courage to make change. Good for you and all the best as you make a new life for yourself. Take care :)
Anonymous,I am so glad you value yourself enough to walk away from someone who clearly doesn't deserve you. Scary sure...but not nearly as scary as staying with someone who disrespects you, repeatedly.Yay for you!! I hope you'll share with us how you're doing as you move into this exciting new chapter.
Elle, you pick the best short sentence that Is so encouraging and still relates to many situations in my life. My biggest fear in my life was being cheated on during my marriage. I grew up in affair home full of bitterness, secrets, up forgiveness and revenge. Well I guess I won't need to fear that anymore. My husband was my biggest fear.
Lynn,Life has an uncanny way of delivering to us our deepest fears...perhaps to show us that we're more than capable of handling them. Look at you! You're a warrior.
Lynn, I just noticed your name change...Much Less PainGood for you!!!
Hi Shannon. Your question really resonated with me today. I know exactly how you feel. My husband is about to move back in after about 2 months of separation and I have such mixed emotions about it all. Fear and doubt continue to creep into my thoughts as I've struggled on-and-off with this decision. On a post from earlier this week, I instead questioned how I would know what was "right" for me and I got some pretty great advice from the women on this site. Basically, what I've concluded so far is that there really aren't any rights or wrongs when you're trying to come back from something like this. Each marriage/story of betrayal is different. When I questioned if it was the right time to bring my husband back into our home, I realized that only I could make that decision for myself. Some women never make their husbands leave and others wait years before living together again. Some women eventually leave their husbands altogether. Again, there is no right or wrong. All we can do in each decision-making situation moving forward is thoughtfully consider our options (never act impulsively) and make the best choices we can, one at the time. Elle also advised that we trust in ourselves and I think this so important. We are definitely strong and very brave women for facing everything we do. Our judgement can be trusted just fine. It's our husbands who are/were the screw-ups, the wrong ones here; not us. Fear and doubt are completely understandable and expected, given what we've been through, but at the end of the day we often have an instinct about what may be best for us. Trust yourself and do what's best for YOU. The good news is that even if you do realize that you've made a "wrong" decision, you can always change your mind. (We're allowed this considering everything we've been through!) If I decide later on that my husband moving back in was a mistake, then I can tell him to leave again. That thought actually helps me stay strong and overcome some of the fear I still have. It also helps to have to the support of others who know how I feel :) Good luck to you as you heal and move forward, no matter how scared you may feel at times. And remember, you are strong as hell for living through this.
Katie,Sometimes it takes being brought to our knees for us to realize we can rise from it. A wrong decision is just one that needs revisiting as time reveals more information. As I've said to my children many times, the only decisions you can't undo is creating life and taking life. The rest is paperwork.
That is exactly it - FEAR....but living with it, doing it anyway - moving forward even though. I keep asking my counselor "when will I not be afraid"? Honestly - I think I grew up being afraid of a lot of things ... my dad coming home drunk again, my mom and dad's constant fighting, being a disappointment etc, I just pushed through it all. But it feels like the same fear all over again.... But I am pushing through and at least I have some professional help and this group of brave strong women to lean on and learn from.
A1998,Yes, yes, yes. I grew up in an alcoholic home and became so comfortable with that constant knot in my stomach. And, to cope, I convinced myself that I had far more control over the situation than I did.Through my husband's cheating, I've learned that I can only control me. But that's enough. It's more than enough, it's liberating. I'm just responsible for me. It does feel like the same pain over again but this is your chance to heal once and for all (well, with the occasional revisiting of it -- life will keep challenging you to ensure that you're applying what you're learned. ;) )You are incredibly strong and you are right that we are all here when you need to take a rest. We've got your back.
I always marvel at the strength and expression of personal wisdom on this site--it keeps me going. On D-Day I "believed" that I had to make the man in my life leave our home. What I wanted was to cling to him, for him to hold my hand and hold me up. At times it felt possible that his presence instructed my heart to keep beating. It seemed ridiculous, impossible--the author of this agony was the only being I craved for comfort. The man in my life was addicted to porn since adolescence (unknown to me). He went to strip bars with friends to pay for lap dances and had a one night stand on my birthday. To an outsider the man in my life might have been trying to tell me how much he hated me and yet in my darkest hour HE was the one I turned to. It has been 12 months and 9 days since D-Day and I have visited this site each day, grateful for the limitless compassion (and salty genius) you each exhibit. Thank you. Shawn.
Shawn I too marvel at the strength of character I have found from the women on this blog! I suppose unlike you I just knew my h had to stay by my side given his fear of the confrontation after she spit her truths! However, I guess looking back, I had my space as my h was spending every other week working on the other side of the country from me! I can now say that during that time I both hated the separation but also realize that because of it I was able to find my way through the worst pain in my life! I was so conflicted during that year! I'm still stumbling down the path but I feel so much stronger given all I've learned on this journey! Your words touch me just as you say others have touched you! I think that's why Elle keeps this place going! For the ones that have made it through to the ones that just arrive! The pain and the comfort each of us get from each other! Marching forward together! Bless you for your words!
Me too. The women on this site absolutely dazzle me with their insight, their strength, their ability to come here and share their pain because they still believe that help is out there for them. And the support you offer each other makes my heart almost burst. It's such a privilege to be here among you....
Wow, I feel inspired by your words and all your responses. I am two months from d day and my husband has odev recently come to the decision that he had made a mistake and wants to be with me. He moved back home 2 weeks ago and so many people dont understand or are judging me. But my counsellor helped me with this by explaing, that I am coming at this decision from my own unique perspective and experience (abandonned by father at very young age, only exposure to strong females and no men in my life) so if this feels right to me then that is all that matters. Saying that i am scared all the time, and have the right to be as the ow is carrying my husbands child so we cant even cut ties with her. If it tough and i dont know how long i can remain strong. I am taking each day as it comes some are good but we do not talk about anything and other days i feel so low, i want to hide from the world. I just have to see how far I can go.
Natalie I'm so sorry for your raw pain! I can't imagine an affair that includes a child to raise! I guess I can be counting blessings that my h could only shoot blanks as he didn't use condoms and I don't think she was past menapause like me! My chuckle at our age difference but I do know your pain! I also know that desire to hide from the world! I was just dealing with my sisters death when my world was turned upside down as you are feeling your world spin. I'm sorry I don't have the right words to make it easier or the healing to go faster. I'm two years out and plenty wiser from all I've been through but again just know that when the child is born you will be better equipped to figure out how to live through it. Because you are stronger than you know and I know that I was just where you are at two months and I just knew I was going to die or go crazy from the pain. I found this blog and I gained knowledge and support from women who were going through the same as I was and it just helps to know that I'm not the only one! Now for those judging you for your choice to work on your marriage, that's not their place! Only you and your h can decide what's best for you and your family! Don't listen to anyone that has negative things to say their opinions mean nothing in your life! Now is the time to think of just you and your needs. You have to love yourself enough to be selfish in other people's opinions but it is the only way to get to the better place. I'm sending hugs for your pain and just know I feel your pain so raw!
Natalie,This is YOUR decision. And if you can learn that you get to live your life according to what's right for you, then you'll be just fine.You've got a tough road ahead but if you keep the focus on you and what you need to get through this, you'll come out fine. Nobody has the right to judge you. Hang in there. Day at a time. Come here for support and surround yourself in real life with people who can help you heal.
Natalie, I'm so sorry for all your going through right now. Your absolutely doing the right thing by having counselling and 'taking each day as it comes' all we can ever do is live in this moment for now. I can't imagine what you must be going through knowing your husband will soon become a father to the ow however I know that with the right support and guidance you can make this work. I know there are women on this site who have been in your position right now and come through it, your not the first nor will you be the last to experience such heartache and truly I feel for you right now. Please please look after you and keep posting to let us know how your getting on. I'm sure the other ladies will weigh in and help you at this difficult time. Big hugs to you xxx
Sam A, Theresa, thank you for you support and kind words. I am unable to sleep right now as the morning brings a huge moment. My H and the ow have an appointment with the midwife to discuss if they will go ahead and have the child. I am a mix of emotions, I know the best case scenario is if they do not, but this an innocent child we are talking about. Also before the affair happened H and I were trying for a family. I think the pressure of that was one reason for affair. I feel as though the ow has taken my life away, the one where I would be the one to have my H first child and to share all those moments. It makes this whole thing difficult on another level as I feel useless as a woman. My future is in the hands of a complete stranger and I cannot do anything about it, and that thought is petrifying. The ow already has one child with a man who left her and she couldnt look after the child and it loves with her mother. Even so I think she will keep this second child as it will give her a linkn to my husband and she may have hope he will got to her if she has his child. I cannot believe this is my life. If anyone has any experience of a child in an affair, I would really appreciate hearing how you are dealing with it. Much love and support to all you going through there horrendous things we do not deserve...
Natalie,I know there are some women on this site who've experienced what you're going through. I hope they see your post and chime in.But please don't think the OW has take your life. She's made a right mess of her own. You've got your own life and you're living it with integrity and respect. Let us know what happened. We're thinking of you and sending you strength and love.
I read the book "Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken" by Cindy Beall. It's definitely a more religious book, so you may want to take that into account based on your personal beliefs, but the author's husband did father a child with one of his affair partners. I can't imagine what you are going through. Love and prayers to you!
Natalie,This is not your fault or your mess to clean up. Your husband spilled the trash and now has to clean it up. Two months out is not long at all and have to deal with this is beyond words. I'm so sorry your husband is a class A dumb ass. As weak as this probably sounds to you right now, he chose you. He chose to come home. Remember those girls in high school who thought if they got pregnant they would win the guy? The end of that story was it didn't work out for them ever. It won't work out for the OW either. Are you going to see the mid-wife too? Don't let yourself be a bystander in her game. She is a skanky whore and has nothing on you. You are better than her and by your husband coming home he proved this is true. Hang in there. When you look behind you, we are here for support and love. Rant and rave as much as you want. We understand and will listen and give you all we have.