Sunday, May 8, 2016

Love yourself like a mother

I've watched my Facebook page fill with photos of smiling mothers, heartfelt posts by children who love their mothers, and wistful posts by those who miss their mothers or miss their children.
What comes through is the fierceness of that love.
And that, my warrior sisters in this club none of us wanted to join, is what I wish for you. That you take that fierce mother love that you feel for your children, that you felt from your mother or what you SHOULD have felt from your mother, and wrap yourself in it. Arm yourself with it.
You are enough.
That your partner or parent or sister or boss or whomever can't see your value doesn't make you worth less. A diamond unrecognized is still a diamond.
Love yourselves like a mother. Ferociously. Fiercely. Forever.

27 comments:

  1. I love you girls, women and mothers.
    I haven't been coming as often as life sweeps me along.
    I favor your words and am thankful for your comments and prayers and wishes.

    I am in a place I want to run from.
    My husband has decided to move in with his girlfriend. I knew it was coming just didn't think it would be so quick.
    We have been separated for a year. I had to as I was being treated so badly and in front of the children. But at the time I believed he had tried as hard as he could. It wasn't until a month later did I find out that he had still been seeing her, manipulated the whole situation and I had been living in years of lies.

    They have decided to move into a house around the corner because it will be "good" for our children, who are evidently "enthusiastic" about it although they have not mentioned it to me. In the haze of lies I agreed to 50/50 for their benefit. If I could go back I would change everything.

    Our neighborhood is small. We will see each other on the street, at the shop, the park. Although they say not, I know her son will go to our school. It doesn’t make sense otherwise.
    She moves ever closer. My husband, my children, my neighborhood, my playground, soon my friends too. They might as well move into our house.
    This was my life, my family, my neighborhood, my friends and I am losing all of them, piece by piece.

    My sister says they are chipping away at me and I am letting them. I should fight back. With what tools?
    My dad says I have to not care at all and get on with my own life. How does one stop caring?

    My children are being swept along in the facade story and lies. My youngest (7) still asks me every night I have him, as I tuck him in, why we separated. I tell him we were not getting along. I tell him we thought it was for the best. I tell him it was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my entire life. He says he will keep asking until I tell him the truth. Do I tell him the truth?

    I want to run from all of this and I would if it wasn’t for my two precious boys. I cannot run. It is quicksand and I am slowly sinking.

    I'll thank you all now, just for reading.
    Inchworm

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    Replies
    1. Oh Inchworm, you must feel utterly invaded.
      You can't control where they live, of course, but what can you do? Can you stake clear boundaries around custody, kids' activities, your activities? Is there any way YOU could move a bit further away so that you aren't constantly holding your breath? Of course you shouldn't have to but it might be worth considering to save yourself so much angst.
      As for your child, I'd be inclined to ask him what HE thinks the truth might be. He may know more than you realize. Kids often do. If he does wonder if it's Daddy's new girlfriend, then you can decide how to answer. As a child of alcoholics who frequently told me up was down, I'm not a fan of denying kids' own reality. You're doing the kind thing, of course, by sharing the responsibility and allowing your children to love their father without complications but your son sounds like a smart kid who's figured out there's more to this story. You could even put him off with, "it's between grown ups" and assure him he's beloved by all.
      Aw Inchworm, this sucks.

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    2. Inchworm,
      I wish I had something to say, some bit of wisdom that would help. Just know that you have people here thinking of you, praying for strength for you.
      Hugs!

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    3. Inchworm
      My heart aches for what you're going through! I agree with Elle that you need to ask his opinion and then the conversation goes from there! I was six when my parents split up and we three girls were not allowed to visit with our alcoholic biological father and for me it was because of all the lies my mother told that led me to a breakdown at age 18 when after 2 years of reconnecting with my father I was finally told the truth. I had extensive therapy and was able to move past all of their skeletons in our past and make a great life with my h all the way up till his midlife crisis! Children have a way of knowing things that parents are not aware of and the rest can cause them more anxiety just because they are searching for answers and by the way my older sister and I both felt we were the 'reasons' because of our bad behavior and of course that wasn't the case so we had to scratch our way out of childhood and into our adult life with more scars than necessary because our mother thought she was protecting us! Much love and support for I can feel the pain that this is causing your children not to mention how much it's crushing you!

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    4. Inchworm,

      I am a woman who as a child had parents divorce. My mother had an affair and left me and my baby sister with our alcoholic father.

      I was only nine, but I wasn't stupid. My mother tried to smooth things over and once she was settled with her new partner she even tried to get custody of us, but this was a year later and by then I had decided I was going no where.

      All this to say....your children will know. Maybe not right now, but they will realise at some point that you were unselfish in your love for them, that you tried and you put them first. Conversely, they will also realise that your ex husband is a stupid, selfish idiot.

      I love my mother because she is only human, and she screwed up and paid the price of having mediocre relationships with her daughters.

      As an adult I have nothing but admiration for how my father coped with two little girls. He wasn't the most hands on dad before this, and he was a flawed human being, but he was true and he tried to damn hard.

      I know you feel crushed. In some ways I envy you though! I am stuck in limbo with a man who claims to love me but has hurt me so many times it feels easier to let him and the pain go, but I have four children to think about. Sometimes I get mad that he did all this for no real reason, and that he didn't do the right thing and just leave me.

      My sister hates him. She says he is selfish and incapable of letting me go to find someone who will really love me. She says I have been with him so long (20 years) and am so used to being treated this way that I don't know what it feels like to be in a real loving relationship.

      You have this opportunity now Inchworm. You may have a way to go to get there, but you are free to move into the next phase of your life and that's exciting. Sending you love x

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  2. Inchworm, your words break my heart for you. I cannot offer any easy tips or tricks, but just to keep on trudging through the sand and eventually, life will get better. Try to just breathe and keep plodding on. My situation is vastly different, but the heartbreak and disappointment are the same. I am praying for you and your children and just know that someday, somehow, you will smile again.

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  3. Inchworm, I am so so sorry for all your going through. This isn't fair, it's heartbreaking for you and your children. Your husband is thinking about himself and his selfish needs if he was thinking of your children he'd be right with you making amends instead of shacking up with his whore round the corner from you.

    Inchworm your doing what every mother would do and that's putting your children first, your doing so with grace and the upmost compassion, your a good person the best if you ask me. You'll will come through this stronger and happier than your h will ever be and trust me kids will see their father for what he is whether you tell them the truth or not they will work this out for themselves. Please please keep posting and know we are here to catch you xxx

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  4. What is it with these women trying to take our lives? Trying to assume our identities? The hell... Moving down the street though? What utter fucking asshats. My heart goes out to you.

    No matter how hard the OWs try... they can't be us.

    I can feel that in my bones. If you look at the posts on this site, you'll see so much empathy, compassion, concern for others, forgiveness, caring, it goes on. Women trying to protect and nurture children through this mess. Women looking for honest, loving responses to a steaming pile of bullshit. Women trying to understand what went wrong in that man's brain that made what he did seem like the answer to him. This is a giving person.

    Look in those same posts for the actions that the OW's are taking. Do you see empathy? Concern? Caring? If you care about someone do you help him fuck his life up? Do you help him screw over his wife? Wouldn't you be concerned for the affect your actions might have on his children? His wife? His reputation? His self-worth? This is a selfish person.

    This is why even if they manage to get the man... Even if you have to look at their damn faces in the future thanks to shared custody... She will never win.

    She can't get what you have because she ain't you and never will be.

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    Replies
    1. Aelia
      You are so right! I thought I was the only one dealing with a crazy ow because she spent an entire year trolling by our house and my h office even with a no contact order but moving the ow around the corner just blows my mind! I'm learning here not to be shocked by anything anymore! SMH!

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    2. So awesome, Aelia. You just gave me my new tagline:
      Women looking for honest, loving responses to a steaming pile of bullshit.
      ;)

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  5. Inchworm,

    I am so sorry you are going through this. What a violation of your world. I feel your pain. Do you see a therapist? Have your kids seen anyone? I only see a therapist but we did have a brief conversation about what my kids know and now to handle it if they ask questions. It was helpful for me. He felt it was an important topic since it could come up out of the blue with the kids. We talked through it and as of now since we are not separated we talked about explaining how in any relationship there can be challenges and we are working through them. If we were to separate he said he felt it was acceptable to explain that their father was not honest and did not keep his word. We talked a little more in depth but maybe seeing someone or having your kids talk with someone would help. For me it has been the benefit of a sounding board.

    And as far as your custody arrangement depending where you are in the process it can be adjusted. But I understand it is all overwhelming and many times requires evaluations from psychologists etc.

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  6. Also...
    Elle, this is a beautiful little post. There are a lot of ladies here who can send love to others like no tomorrow but do we let ourselves really soak it in and FEEL it for ourselves? Even if the only person who is giving it right now is us giving it to ourselves?? And come back to that feeling of love and enoughness again and again? We deserve it too.

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  7. Inchworm, I am so very sorry you are having a tough time right now. I can't imagine what you are going through. Having to deal with this issue with young children must be incredibly difficult. It's bad enough keeping it secret from adult children.

    I agree with Elle that you need STRICT boundaries when it comes to your h & his gf living so close. While they may try and encroach on your neighborhood, your park, your stores, etc., you just might be surprised to find you have more friends and neighbors on your side than you realize. I'd definitely choose you :) Sending you big hugs.

    Elle,

    Thank you for these encouraging words. All my life I have put others before myself and never felt adequate enough. It wasn't until the discovery that I found out that this was the time I needed to focus on taking care of me. I've had to pick and choose what activities are worth attending, how many times I could help with the grandchildren (although I missed them dearly), etc. I just didn't have the energy nor the desire to be away from my h any more than I had to. It's been just recently that I've ventured out "into public" again.

    My wish, for all of us in this club we didn't want to join, is that we all realize that we "are" enough! We are valued. We are special. We are strong (Unfortunately, I actually didn't know how strong I could be until this happened). We will survive. We might go through some bumpy times, but we will be all right.

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  8. Pure brilliance Elle thanks for that.

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  9. Inchworm

    Chipping away at you? Not sure perhaps the opposite indeed just to soon to tell saving your sanity more like it. Stop caring? Hummm does a fresh burn not hurt for days and perhaps leave a scare
    .. do you inchworm sit idle or make a ruckus but only if thats what u want sure small town gossip might be inevitable or they might just end up looking like assholes ... let them u remain classy let them be trashy ... easier said then done i know im sorry you are g oing thru this ... truly i wish u some sparkle ps mama are unbreakable even when we feel the world is crumbling around us. Hang in there.

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  10. Inchworm,
    I am literally sitting here in tears for you. I have no advice in your situation and my opinion of your husband and the OW is better left unsaid. Know that I send hugs and love your way. I believe in supporting real women like us, but not other women like them. I unlike some, can not help but judge women who pursue married men or men in a committed relationship. I have come a long way in my journey, but it has not been easy as everyone here knows. I am not sure I could be as kind and gracious as you are. You are by far a better person and I hope you truly believe that. You are a great mom also and I am sure as your children grow they will realize just how wonderful a mom you are. I really wish you strength thru all of this. Life is not fair and sometimes it sucks...Remember to take care of you , not just for the children, but for you also.
    Sammyg

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  11. I really need to write something down today my friends. My H left me in 2011 saying he couldnt put up with my daughters behaviour i found out last night that the affair he was having started well before he left me. He came home to start again in 2013 and carried on the affair for the whole time for 1 and a half years until i told her husband in July 15. He changes his story everytime i am so confused he will NOT accept that it was an affair because he wasn't physical he will NOT answer my questions, he cannot remember when things or he just tells me another story everytime. He just doesnt get that for us to start again the truth has to be told. He says the counselling is a waste of time because i am still talking about it. He expects me not to mention it to him but just to speak to the counselor about it. He says i raise my voice and then he gets angry and becomes nasty towards me tells me yes he wanted to speak to her it was for him he needed it because he was miserable. I was trying so hard to make it work he just ignored me and shouted at me when i asked questions, he says he has had enough of me!!

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    Replies
    1. Jilly, I am so so sorry. I wish I knew the right thing to say right now, but all I can muster is that this is NOT your fault. It was his choice to continue the affair and his actions that will determine the future of your relationship. Sending you big hugs.

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    2. jilly55,
      I'm guessing this has pretty much been the way your relationship has gone? With you staying silent, muting your own needs, and him running the show? Well...it's time for that script to change because it's NOT working for you.
      He has lied to you. He has violated your trust. He has reneged on his vows. He has decided when and what he will do and with whom. And now he wants you to stick with him? What would you recommend to a friend in your position? I suspect you would tell a friend that SHE is the one who gets to decide whether he gets a second chance. And that if she chooses to give him a second chance, then there are going to be some hard rules around how he's going to earn it: full honesty, agreeing to discuss what happened in order to help you process it and move on from it, therapy for both of you, a full admission of guilt and promise to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust, and NO CONTACT with anyone he had an inappropriate relationship with.
      If he won't agree with any of those, then he's telling you that he's not interested enough in rebuilding a marriage to actually make himself uncomfortable. He's telling you that HIS wants matter more than your needs. He's telling you that this is going to be the way it is for the rest of your life.
      Are you okay with that? I wouldn't be.
      jilly55, you deserve more than this. You deserve someone who is so remorseful for the pain he's caused, that he's willing to do what it takes to help you heal. He cheated because he's a broken man. He needs to want to become better than that. He needs to want to be the type of man you deserve. If you doesn't, then you're in for more pain. And you don't deserve any of this.

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  12. Jilly55,
    You are more than enough. Know that please, deep inside.
    The smokescreen and lies and justification are all to protect himself from the truth of his behaviour and actions.
    You deserve better than this current situation.
    Listen to all of these strong women. Find your safe place, treat yourself well, focus on you and your daughter, mark your boundaries, be strong and know that you always have you..
    My thoughts are with you.

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  13. Jilly55

    I have visual in my mind that all of your warrior sisters here on this site are have gathered in your home, surrounding you, protecting you with a shield of our love, respect and strength. Then he walks in the door and we all stand and turn to look at him, with our arms linked and with confident expressions on our faces that say, “ You don’t get to bully her anymore. We know what you are doing, and we’ve got her back. You are welcome to stay if you can leave your pride, selfishness and bad behavior (on so many levels) at the door. If not…” and we all take a step towards him. We all know that bullies run when confronted with strength. He would be out of there and running down the street in a nanosecond! Then we would close the door, and hug you, and sit around and talk and laugh about how the coward ran, and listen to your fears, and dry your tears, and tell you that you are going to be alright. And you will believe us. Because you are not really as alone as you might feel.

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    Replies
    1. Wow anon73, that's so incredibly beautiful and powerful and so, so true.
      None of you is alone as you might feel. There's an army of us out there that wants nothing but the best for you, and for each of you to realize your worth in this world.

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  14. Anon73 what a beautiful script and Jilly, oh, so true. Jilly, your husband is obviously lost. You know what is right for you ... take the next right step ... whatever that means to you. Because you know what is right for you. It may simply be a walk in the morning; if it somehow involves caring for you ... it is right. Hugs! Trust yourself.

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  15. Thank you thank you all so much. He is a bully, how did you know was bullied by his father has a child! Your words are precious to me. I will be strong he will not beat me. He is so ashamed of himself and does have the balls to admit what he did, am a better person. Wishing you all the most wonderful futures

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    Replies
    1. jilly55,
      He bullies you to appear more powerful than he feels. But I suspect you know that. It doesn't, however, make it okay. He's a grown man. It's time to battle those old demons and become the man he should have been all along.

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    2. Jilly 55
      He is a coward and when my h admitted that he was a coward and just couldn't tell me about the affair until after I spent a whole day with his cow spilling out the 'truth', but once he began to explain his state of mind during the affair and the steps he has taken to be a better person, I couldn't even begin to heal my own heart. He didn't understand the need to process it and he certainly had no idea how long it would take to get through this. Your h just wants to skip ahead bury the past and pretend that nothing has happened. My h also wanted life to go back to the way it was before but the truth is it just doesn't work that way! Each of us have to process our experience in our own way and in our own time! Please just give yourself time to find your own way to get through the shock and pain this is causing! Elle is right when she said he's going to have to battle his own demons because if he still doesn't understand an emotional affair is just as damaging as the full blown sexual affair, he needs to be educated and the best place for that is in therapy! My heart goes out to you and just know that like me you can and will find your inner strength! Hugs!

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  16. Just saying that I don't remember line is bullshit. I was watching Dr. Phil awhile ago and he was talking to a man Adulter. He said I couldn't remember. Dr. Phil called bullshit. He said you own this and your accountable so don't give me that. Own up to this and this guy's memories returned. I don't take that I don't remember anymore speech from my H.

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