The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
This just about sums it up! Oh how he would love to take it all back!
This is so fucking true. 9 days ago My h left the house through no fault of mine and tbh it was the best thing he could have done. I've been able to concentrate solely on me and the children, something I couldn't truly do with him here. I feel at peace something I havn't felt in ages. So you know ladies some things happen for a reason and it took something quite tragic to shake my inner core and see what was happening right before my eyes. My h had turned into a gas lighting control freak that blamed anything and everything on me, he did very little in the house and spent more time out of the house than in. I've been so fucking understanding for too long, aww it's because of his shit childhood, or because he had issues. Now I couldn't give a shit, now it's about me and the kids and I'm ok I'm doing everything I need to do and more. So yes I love this statement I am more knowledgeable, powerful and god damn furious so don't fuck with me ever again.I'm liking the new me. It's early days but be survived another day . Yaaay me!!!!
Sam A.,Atta girl. I'm so glad you're reclaiming your own strength. To quote Glinda, the good witch, "You've had it all along." :)
I am with you Sam A. When you realize you haven't gone mad, you are just damn furious and you get to be furious... it has been an amazing freedom. The me who is understanding and compassionate, can also be gaslighted. It is something I now know to watch out for. My H has moved to another room in the house, because I won't be gaslighted, sweet talked, or seduced anymore. It pisses him off. We are just co-parenting now. He now knows he has a boatload of personal work to do before I let him back in our room. But honestly, I am not holding my breath.
I. Love. This.
That made me chuckle & also nod in agreement. Never would I have thought on DDay that 9 months later I would describe myself as powerful & knowledge. Sometimes I am surprised at my own strength and am reminded everytime I visit this site just how strong we women are.Talking of fucking furious though....I'd love to hear people's experiences about how they dealt with their friends and family who knew about their H's affair once you decided to reconcile or at least start the journey towards it. I'm 9 months out, still separated but spending a lot of time with my H, alone and with our son. I have not yet decided what to do but ultimately I have at least chosen to 'try'. However, most days I am reminded of not only the uphill battle regarding my marriage but also the uphill battle with friends, was I to reconcile with my h. Unfortunately everyone - and I mean everyone - knows what's happened because he left me initially saying he didn't love me, then the truth came out a month later. My parents are amazing - said its my life and they will support whatever makes me happy. They've spoken and seen my husband, said what they needed to say and are now moving forward because whatever the outcome, he will always be in their lives become of our son. But many of my friends are still fucking furious, they don't want to see him (which is fine but has been tricky to manage with one friend who helps with childcare) and some visibly recoil when I mention his name, they look like they are chewing a wasp when I mention his name. I do have other friends who are like my family and say it's my life, my marriage, no-one else is involved in our counselling etc, so they are not there to judge my decisions. The ones who do judge I just don't know how to deal with. I feel like I have enough on my plate without having to manage everyone else's feelings towards my life. It's tricky tho, as I can't say how I would be if I was their position. And I do understand how angry and upset they are on my behalf after what they saw me go through. I guess I'd like to hope I just wasn't so judgy and ready to Breathe a sigh of relief if I get divorced! My counsellor keeps telling me it's not fair for them to project their feelings about it onto me as its not their life. Anyway, anyone else been through similar? And how did you deal with it?
Oh Coping it was out of my OWN shame and not trying to protect him that I didn't tell but two people. I did that because MY shame was that I knew EXACTLY how I would have responded to a friend who might have been in the same position as me. "kick his ass to the curb" is EXACTLY what I would have said. I know it. The two people I told were so different in how they have handled it from the start, but neither has held it against him. I begged them not to too (not after seeing his reaction on D-Day, I knew this was a broken and fucking up man, not a malicious one) I can only hope that your friends can see your husband is doing his quite DAMNDEST to repair things (he should be doing that anyway) and I hope they can honor your decision. My other hope is that others can help you deal with unforgiving and judgemental friends.
Coping,I think Steam's words -- "honour your decision" -- are exactly right. I suspect they think they're supporting you by being angry on your behalf. A sort of "got your back" mentality. But we also know that anger often masks hurt and fear and I think a lot of us are terrified that this will happen to us so we get outraged by it as some sort of misguided "protection". Regardless of their motives, their actions are hurtful to you and I think, as part of your own getting stronger and healing, you can tell them that. Something along the lines of: "I know this is hard and I might respond exactly as you are if the shoe was on the other foot but I've made the choice to rebuild my marriage and I hope you can honour my decision." And then...leave it at that. I'd love to hear others' thoughts on how you can respond. There are so many kickass women on this site who will no doubt have ways to phrase it that will end the conversation...and hopefully the behaviour of your friends. None of us should judge anyone who's taking their next right step.
You don't have to justify to anyone coping it's their problem not yours. I reckon once they realise your rebuilding your marriage they'll either get it or they won't. I'm currently living separately following my h decision to leave and I've already had some very close friends tell me ' don't get back with him' ' I'll never speak to you again if you do'. I havn't decided what I intend to do yet I'm staying right where I am untill I feel ready to walk my next step. I feel in control and it feels bloody good. My friends dictating to me kinda feels like they are trying to control me and I don't take kindly to being controlled in anyway shape or form. I have myself and my children to think about right now the rest can go to hell tbh. I'm really at the point in my life (turning 40 in October) where I don't give a fuk literally what people think about me I know the ones who will be there for me no matter what and they are the people I want and need in my life. I'm not angry right now I'm just done with people's bullshit :) Love you ladies xxx
Coping, In my case, I only told my parents and my in laws. My parents didn't take it too well in the beginning, but they came around after some time. They did question my decision to stay, but I stood my ground. To quote: my heartbreak, my rules (thank you Elle!); it's a mantra I kept telling myself in those first months. My in-laws on the other hand were mum about it, they didn't side with H, but was neutral/silent all through out.At the end of the day, I think what matters is what you want/think/need. Take the advice of these lovely ladies here - love and take whatever that makes you feel safe and happy. It won't be easy, but this path never is.But believe me, whether you choose to stay or leave, it does get better. And when you reach that point, you'd be amazed at how far you've come. Just take baby steps, hold our cyber hands.. we are with you all the way. Hugs to all the wonderful, strong and kind ladies here. 🌹💕💓💖💞👭
Furious is right. Furious trust is not automatic. Furious trust does not happen at a negotiating table. Trust is not awarded to those most best looking, best employee or best anyone. It is not like a prize to be won. It is not bequeathed to the best of anything. Trust is my desperate dive out of a sinking boat. I hope my H will pull me out of the water. I find I do this a lot just to see if he still pulls me out. Each time I look into the the face of a man who failed. How many times can he fail and expect me to catch him? I still see a promise breaker. He promised he wouldn't but he did. I look in the mirror at myself. I was quiet when I should have been bold. I took a seat when I should have taken a stand. I do expect him to be honest. Until I'm sure he is honest in all things, the tenderness of our relationship will suffer. The nature of our relationship won't be altered but the trust intimacy will. I have a strong exterior but tremble with worry. The German word for worry means to strangle. Worry is a noose around my neck. It is a distraction from happiness.There comes a time in every betrayal when it is damaging to seek justice or settle the score. No friendship is perfect. No person is perfect. No marriage is perfect. My H and I developed a treaty of sorts which includes tolerance. It is not forgiveness but a treaty agreed upon by both of us is enough right now. I'm still furious.
I TOTALLY understand the way you feel on this. In the beginning,( when he still wasn't being honest and swearing to God that he was) I would say that I forgave him, but then more and more came out and my anger and hostility grew and he realized that I had not forgiven him, and I can't forget either. The only friend that I have shared this with,has a history with divorce due to infidelity, so she understands. But, none of my family knows. I don't need an excuse, but sometimes I just feel rage over the events that have been ruined after finding out. Holidays, my daughter's graduation and wedding.. It's not like you want to tell everyone why you are struggling with moods, energy, focus.. But, at the same time, it fucking sucks that you are so compromised and failing.. But hey, don't mind me, I am just a tired, confused emotional waste.Meanwhile your husband ( so desperate to please and be kept around) is," such a nice hardworking guy." It is SO hard to take sometimes��
Lynn LP - your last paragraph is so true, so spot on. I think about revenge often still, but know it would cause further damage. I like 'treaty'. I struggle too much with 'forgiveness' - that's when I now become most furious! Why the hell should I ever forgive! But a treaty sounds acceptable!
Forgive ... hummmmm easier to say accept the things i cannot change and wirk i the things i can. Ive told noone at first due ti shame shock and fear of judgment but a year out thats how i am in most things too many cooks in the kitchen just makes it messy though on the flip a squeeze on my shoulder a reach for my hand or a me too might be refreshing .. I get that here and know the rest lies within me to do or change and decide... mt choice everyday.
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Eunice, thank you for bringing up Beyoncé. I mentioned it in another post and no one responded. Frankly I was never a huge fan of hers and looked at her as bubblegum pop kind of music… But this album has blown me away! And the film is incredible. What I love most about this album is how absolutely empowering it is. She goes through all the stages that we all know so well and in the end she is not ashamed - she is empowered. I also love how she pays tribute to the black women of our society. Even if you do not usually listen to Beyoncé, do yourself a favor and buy it on iTunes. It costs $17.99; you get the entire album and the film. Be prepared; she uses some explicit language, yet as we have noted here, sometimes words came out of our mouth during all this that we didn't even know we knew.Peace and light ladies.
I haven't yet watched/listened but I have enormous respect for any woman who "owns" her experience and lights the way for many of us to own ours. Thanks for the nudge, Melissa. I'll listen over the weekend.
Melissa, Thanks for posting about Lemonade. I've been thinking about it since I saw your first post. I'm pretty sure I want to watch/listen to it -- I'm just super cautious about everything I consume now. So I do appreciate you "vetting" it for us :-)
Thank you Elle and Sal.I look forward to a discussion after you have heard/seen it. The film has more words, as I understand she had a poet write some of the words between the songs. I told my h of it - and one day want to watch it with him ... but not yet, right now, it is mine.Also, I understand Jay-Z is coming out with his own album which I will certainly listen to. Hugs!
I immediacy thought that how women can be characterized as "crazy". Even just having boundaries or expectations I would say I know my husband either said that I was acting crazy or thought it. This has happened over the years and through this year of healing where I am looked at as crazy. Instead of seeing in a different way. And I know it was his self protection mode. If I was not crazy then what was he the asshole? Pretty much yes. One day my husband came home from work and he was more serious than normal. He said one of his appointments hit home. And he had never seen it that way until it was described by another woman. A patient explained how her husband had an affair and how she was treated in their marriage. And she said at one point why does he do all this but yet I am made out to be the crazy one. It was like an ah ha moment for him. Hearing it from another person and then seeing how closely it parallels what happened to us even though not exactly. That was a major turning point for him to see. And now when I stand up for something I feel or believe I am heard and what a difference it makes even if he does not agree I am not dismissed or overlooked anymore.On the subject of friends. I too told no one since I did not feel anyone could help me really, I felt like the chance them giving me bad advice or telling me to leave which would have been my thoughts before this all happened too. So I felt no good would come of it, I am more selective with who I call a friend and associate with. We both are. We value each other and our time together more. And what is crazy about all of this is what in general most people think of affairs is societies perspective. And the sad thing is that is what keeps me quiet and my kids not knowing too is the way society views affairs. But now will that ever change if it stays secret. It feels like a vicious circle. With so many friends and acquaintances I want to say watch out, be aware, be vigilant, invest more in each other, don't if or red flags... But at the heart of it no one wants to think it will happen to them. So that fear sits so deep in everyone, or it only happens on tv or to famous people. Look at the statistics it is around all of us whether we know it or not. My husband would beat himself up saying he wished I had chosen someone else or that none of his friends would ever do what he did. I told him no matter what he thinks it is almost impossible that some of his friends have not betrayed their spouse in some way based on the statistics. It took a while for that to sink in.I would love for my husband to write a book from his perspective. Asa professional I think it would be interesting. I know there are a lot of books out there but a lot of what he has done and helped me with I think would be helpful. And I think too make people aware that anyone can be this way.
Hopeful 30When my h finally began to hear me, it's been a game changer for both of us! I've had several melt downs due to triggers but just this week, I had a triggered day with him out of town.. I waited a few days and last night I asked him if I'm supposed to tell him about a trigger if it didn't cause a meltdown. He said of course. His willingness to listen to me without judging me to be unreasonable and we had a really positive conversation. I was proud that I was able to handle the trigger on my own and calmly discuss it without being furious and losing control. We are making progress on my trauma coming to a new chapter. One that isn't quite as terrifying as it has been in the past two years. Hugs!
Everyone knew right away because we have a very close-knit group of friends and we seperated for several months. I feel for you as my friends were a blessing.. A touch of worry but also of shock. They supported whichever path I chose, truly. The only person that was truly "fuck him" was my closest cousin and even she has begun to be "normal" around him.. We are 9 months out. Somedays, on my bests ones, I hope DH and I are an example of how bad it can get and how beautiful it can become after such destruction to our friends who have watched our relationship.. I felt very ashamed for staying in the beginning but have worked very hard to see past my shame and look towards our love instead. I hope our story is one that brings my friends hope on a bad day that they (hopefully never!) may have to face.. I hope this makes sense, it's a lot of rambling!I had wanted to come post on here about something else. I'm a Beyonce fan (I know with a lot of people it's a love/hate relationship) and truly love the album she put out. It really went through all the phases for me (suspicion, discovery, anger, pain, disbelief, hope, reconcilition). It's been amazing to listen to and I really value that she decided to put out an album that also shows a happy ending! Anyway, love to you all! xo
Mbs I'm so pleased your taking back some control. I did exactly what you did prior to him leaving, sleeping in separate rooms. I think it was a step towards him leaving the house. Space is exactly what I needed otherwise I was heading for a mini breakdown I was at such a low point. It's been 2 weeks now since he went and I've had very little contact with him and I'm seriously really fine, that speaks volumes as to where we were in our relationship. We will continue with the counselling as I know this man will probably be in our lives forever as he's the father to my children as for my relationship with him well I'm currently doing it alone. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow or the day after but right now I'm ok without him. I keep thinking maybe I'll fall soft and want him back but it's not happening. Mbs I think we are about the same time out from d day 1. It's been 3 years for me and if I'm totally honest I think I've been the one trying to fix this marriage I've read up on repairing marriages, I was the one sorting out counselling, being there for him more etc etc. It's a joke really he has the affair and I pay for it in more ways than one. Mbs I hope you find some clarity in your situation I find the hardest thing is not knowing what to do for the best. I think with time and space you will see things more clearly and hopefully your h will too. Wishing you all the best xxxxx