Monday, May 29, 2017

"I just want things the way they were": No, you don't. Here's why

"In the aftermath of an affair, one partner often says, “I just want to go back to the way things were.” And I say, “Really? How well was ‘the way things were’ working out for you if you ended up in my office?” I say this much more gently, of course, but I make sure that they hear the question and are able to reflect on it. And when they do, they realize that “the way things were” wasn’t sustainable after all."
~Lori Gottlieb, writer and psychotherapist, "Is My Husband Having An Affair", New York Magazine

What I wanted more than anything else in the days following D-Day was a lobotomy. I wanted to carve out the painful knowledge of my husband's cheating so that I could return to my state of blissful ignorance. I imagined those days as halcyon, a period of time in which I was joy-filled and calm. Nothing like the hell I felt like I was in after discovering the truth.
Interesting thing about those halcyon days. Halcyon days, literally, means the calm before the storm. A period of time in which things seem peaceful. But clouds are gathering. The center cannot hold.
And so my nostalgia for that pre-D-Day period of time was for a time of ignorance. My marriage wasn't good and safe. I just didn't know it wasn't.
That ignorance is a dangerous thing to want back. 
Lori Gottlieb, whose New York Magazine article I've quoted above, was responding to a woman who suspects her husband of cheating and is asking whether or not she really wants to know. She signs her letter Head Happily in Sand.
I understand her impulse. I have a vivid memory of picking up the phone to ask my husband about what I thought I knew, to get his confirmation that my intuition was correct.
And I knew, by letting this particular genie out of the bottle, that there was no going back. I knew that I just might hear something I most definitely did not want to be true. My head could not be buried in the sand. 
I've never been a head burier. I far prefer the painful truth to anxious speculation. For most of my life, whatever I was imagining was inevitably worse than what was really happening.
Until D-Day.
Learning the whole truth, rather than what I'd imagined, was excruciating. It was, in many ways, far far worse. For one thing, the cheating had gone on much longer. (It was also, in some ways, better. The affair had nothing of the romance or passion I'd imagined. Instead it was...transactional.) 
But as Gottlieb points out, my desire to return to a pre-D-Day marriage omits the reality that was my marriage wasn't what I thought it was. One of us was, clearly, not fully invested. And that, as she puts it, is not sustainable.
And it's why a big part of rebuilding a marriage is about taking a clear-eyed look at your marriage. 
It's tough. A marriage counsellor my husband and I had begun seeing before I knew about my husband's cheating had told me that I had "rose-colored glasses" about my marriage. His exact words. We were "best friends", I had told him. Which begged the question of why we were in his office. 
I took offence. How dare he? 
We stopped seeing him because I didn't like him.
Now, of course, I can see that I didn't like what he was telling me. And I didn't like it because it was the truth and it was painful and it was pointing me to something I didn't want to admit to myself. The worst kind of truth. The kind that means I have to accept something I don't want to accept or change something I don't want to change. 
It was a long time before I stopped wanting that lobotomy. A really really long time. Even years later, after I felt optimistic about my marriage, after I could see how much stronger our relationship was, how much deeper, I still kinda wished I could cut out that knowledge. I envied those soap opera characters who awake after trauma with zero recollection of who double-crossed them. 
But without that knowledge, we wouldn't have the relationship we have. I wouldn't have the compassion I have for others going through this. I wouldn't know so much about human nature, about resilience and recovery, about healing. And I wouldn't have all of you.
The problem with a head in the sand is you miss the horror but you miss a whole lot of positive things too. And it's not that the awful stuff isn't happening, you're just not seeing it. 
And that's the painful truth about marriage. If one partner is cheating, it's not because there's something wrong with you. It's completely on him.
But it does mean that the marriage isn't what you think it is. And that's not sustainable.
Instead, if we're going to stay in our marriage, we need to examine the truth of it, figure out where the foundation is shaky and shore it up in ways that make it stronger – more honest and, likely, much more uncomfortable at times because you'll be dealing with problems face on rather than ignoring them or minimizing them. 
And if we're not going to stay in our marriage, then recognizing that it wasn't what we thought it was is a key part of moving on. No more rose-colored glasses. No more head in the sand. 
Just a clear-eyed assessment of our reality. And with that truth, we can move into our future. 

50 comments:

  1. 'Truth' here. I'm posting for the first time tho I've been reading daily for 6 months. I want to say THANK YOU to ALL for your words. My faith and this site have been my lifelines! The first time I stumbled upon this blog I was alone and wailed out loud! I wasn't going crazy, I was 'normal'. I read of SUCH STRENGTH, amazed at the HARD THINGS you do!! Please continue, courage is found in your sharing. I am 2 years out,no one knows, my story is for another time. I'm in a phase I call 'the dull ache of reality'. Also, 'Truth' is the only label I've come up with for me since that is my perception now; of my H, my marriage, AND me. Thank you - Truth

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    1. Truth
      That took courage to share! Like you, I'm glad to find truth!

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    2. Hi, Truth. Like you, I'm two years out. Very few aside from this group know my story. I'm glad you took the step of posting.

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    3. Truth, I know that "dull ache of reality" well. The sting is mostly over but you feel stuck in a bleak hell. This is part of it. Just let yourself feel it all -- the grief, the sadness, the hurt. But also look out for those slivers of joy. That beauty of someone's garden. Or the sound of songbirds. Or children's laughter. Whatever it is, notice it. And let your heart open wide enough to let it in.
      I'm glad you found us and glad you let us know that you're finding strength here.

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    4. Truth -- I'm another one at 2 years. Found this site a few months in. Same experience as you -- I was so relieved to read others stories and learn I was "normal." I think of everything I've learned from the women on this site, that has been the most valuable. Took away my shame. Made me feel like I was in the company of loving sisters. Hugs to you.

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  2. Truth,
    Welcome, and hugs to you. I have found the same strength from reading here. From discovering I'm not crazy. From seeing all the choices and the people ok on the other sides of them. I hope you keep reading, sharing, and taking care of you! There is a giant group of cheerleaders here to cheer you on.

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    1. 'TRUTH' here again. I appreciate all your kind, encouraging words, they feel like warmth surrounding me! In thinking about my story, to be honest, I've read my story in your stories. Details change but that pain of betrayal seems a common thread throughout. BUT another common thread I see on this blog is that you all know how to 'have each other's back'! Way to go!!

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  3. My husband said this too. I want things to be the way they were before all of this happened. He had told the OW that he never had wanted this to happen, that he didn't know how it happened and that he loved me and his family. Her answer was that she had planned it all. I asked him what he saw in her and he didn't know. Everything was kind of hazy those days he was with her like he was drunk, well drugged up due to her. So he saw her through those rose colored glasses. She made herself out to be normal and made me out to be the crazy one. She convinced him that our marriage was not worth keeping. Even though people we all worked with saw how close we were then. How we loved each other but we weren't in love with each other and how she was a better for him, and in this brain fog of drugs he believed her until the fog started to lift and he was able to think for himself. She had stopped slipping him the ecstasy because she thought that she had succeeded with her plan and I had thrown his medication away the day I found out. I never thought that we had a perfect marriage but at least a really good one. After all of the counseling we have been able to have something even better then we both thought that we had before. He is still my best friend as well as my husband and we work very hard at keeping it this way. This woman had the nerve to tell me that we went around doing this to people. That we had a sick marriage. My response to her was that she was the sickness that came into our marriage and that the only way she could get my husband was to drug him. I have been trying to have compassion for her. I started doing research on unstable women. This one article listed 10 reasons that women are unstable and she was 9/10 of them. Planning marriages and babies before the relationship ever got going. So that they could be together forever and ever. Being a person that believes all of her own lies and delusions I realized that she needs help desperately before she kills the next guy she goes after. Do I think our marriage would be as strong as it is now if this hadn't happened. No, we let life and kids come before us. I hate the fact that this happened but I feel like we are in a better place than we were 2 years ago after the crazy lady came into our lives.
    Cathy

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    1. Cathy,
      Still can't get over just HOW insane the OW was. Most of them are a bit nuts but...wow.

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    2. OMG all this time Cathy i have wondered what drug it was--it was ecstasy? Full on crazy. full stop. wow.

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    3. Cathy
      Years ago one of our neighbors almost died from using the drug just one time! He had a bad reaction but I can't imagine how that drug affected your h! I'm just glad that's not still happening!

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    4. Theresa,
      He had been having a reaction to the drugs and at that time and I didn't know that's what was happening. I watched his skin color change to yellow and gray, his lips turn purple and his eyes dilated to the extent you couldn't see the color in them. He was also sweating all of the time which is a side effect of the ecstasy. He was having euphoria and he thought that these women that ran the restaurant, including the OW, were his real friends and I was the bad person. I found out that the manager of the restaurant knew that he was on the antidepressants and warned him about the side effects, being suicidal thoughts. She told him to be careful. When it blew up in their faces and he was in the hospital for the suicide attempt they lied and had a letter of restraint sent to me from the chief's attorney through the council of Indian affairs. His wife was friends with these women. They were covering their asses because they were afraid of what the blood test would show. I never in all of my life ever met such evil women as these women. I think that they are afraid now of what I could do to them. The chief and these women were called into council and called an embarrassment to the nation for what they had done to me. The OW threatened me by saying she gives everything I've sent her to her lawyer. I told her I would love to get all of them into court and she backed off. And come to find out, the person that was selling the OW the ecstasy runs the kitchen in the restaurant, is a known drug dealer, I had no idea that he was he didn't fit the image, and is friends with the manager of the restaurant's boyfriend. The funny thing is, this nation was trying to stop all the drug, alcohol use and infidelity that runs rampant on this Reservation. Go figure.
      Cathy

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    5. Cathy
      My sister is married to a Cherokee Indian tribe member and I told her some of what has happened to you and your h and she couldn't believe how that Chief covered for them because they are so strict on the reservation land that she and her husband live on with regards to alcohol drugs and just generally mistreatment of each other! They share a very poor but livable and lovable lifestyle where each gives what they can to help the others survive! And that being said they still have a 'meth' epidemic on the reservation she and her husband choose not to do those things! Hugs!

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    6. Theresa
      This is a very small tribe in Upstate NY. My husband is Hispanic and Native American from the southwest, where we now live, and I'm white. Part of it was because I made a scene at the restaurant the day my husband disappeared and tried to end his life. I was desperate to find him and I didn't care who I offended at that time. My only concern was finding him and getting him help. There are no restrictions on this Reservation regarding drugs or alcohol, they just couldn't be in the restaurant. And they did surprise drug test on people too. What they are trying to do is educate everyone on the evils of drugs and alcohol with these classes if you want to work for the nation. What it does to people and families. They try to make family first and do things for the elders so that they are all taken care of. There are some really great people that I had the pleasure of working with there and I don't regret that. But I was an outsider and they could do what they felt was right to me. The funny thing is, that this chief's second wife is friends with these women and broke up his first marriage but he got played by these women too and made out to be a very big fool. This chief also was invited to New York City to be in attendance with the Pope representing this nation as a spiritual leader. He was suppose to be sitting on the stage with him. The security people denied him the access to the Pope and ended up treating him very disrespectful. I personally think he and his wife got what they deserved.
      Cathy

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    7. Theresa,
      I should also mention that the reason we were asked to help out there was because they couldn't find enough drug free members of this tribe to work there. My husband had worked there 21 years ago and was asked by the woman who ran the restaurant kitchen then if we could help them out. He was also working overnights in corrections. This woman and her daughter, who was also a manager and who the OW replaced, were fired and this chief allowed it to happen. The manager who fired these two ladies, said that she didn't trust them, is the OW's friend and co-conspirator of the plan to destroy my marriage. It took these two women 3 months to get their plan into action and work. It was quiet an elaborate plan that the put together.
      Cathy

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  4. This reminds me of the moment in the movie The Matrix, where Neo is faced with the choice of the red pill which represents knowledge, freedom, truth and dealing with reality as it is, painful as it can be, or the blue pill, where he will wake up safe in his bed, representing falsehood, security and blissful ignorance.
    There are so many times in the last 18 months I would have gladly taken the blue pill if offered. Would gladly have woken up to the secure illusion that I was loved and cared for by a partner I could trust, that I had someone to walk with me through life's ups and downs, that I didn't have to face bills and keeping house and aging and life all on my own.
    But when I think "by God, yes, I'd take that pill" what I really am wanting is someone who is not the person my husband really is. I want the person I thought he was. And as freaking terrifying as it can be dealing with the reality that he's not, that I'm all on my own, that there's no one to take care of me but me, I also know that taking the red pill is so much more a better option.
    I'm such a mass of conflicting emotions. I miss the illusion of safety and security, but I don't want to go back because I know it was bullshit. I hate him for giving up on me, for believing he was in love with someone not me (not just transactional, she was going to be what saved him, delusional idiot, but it hasn't quite worked out that way). But I don't want him back. Miss him all while knowing he is the worst thing in the world for me. I understand that if I took him back or asked him to come home, I'd be agreeing to not having my emotional needs met, I'd be accepting less than the care and love I deserve. being alone is so much better than being lonely in a relationship, soooo much better.
    And I've finally gotten to a place where I can deal with all parts of my story without feeling shame. Wow. So no. I don't want to go back. Now what I want is to fast forward to a place where I'm past all this, distant in the rear view mirror and I've was ready and found someone capable of loving me back in an open, honest, grown up relationship. I've realized I've been lonely for so long, lonely and anxious in my marriage and I'm wanting the "something better." At the same time, I know I don't need to rush anything, when I occasionally log into my match account, all I feel is anxiety, and so much still going on legally and emotionally around the divorce, that I'm just not ready.
    Thanks for the reminder that I don't want to go back, especially as I've been cycling through the "how did I get here? how is this my life?" stuff. Simply at low tide, I'll come around. Trying to remember to just stand where I am, look down at me feet and see where I'm standing, look up at the sky to see who's flying with me. Breathe deep.

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    1. Still Standing,
      I know you still feel as though you're in the thick of it but, from the outside, it's clear just how far you've come. Done with the shame? Bravo. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You loved someone. That's all.
      You want something better? Of course you do. And you deserve it. Better might not look like you think it will so be patient. Better is around the corner but you want to be clear-eyed enough to recognize it.
      Breathe deep indeed. Take it all in. It's all part of the journey and you're still standing, indeed. Standing tall. Standing proud. You are strong and open-hearted and full of compassion for all the others here.

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    2. Still Standing
      Our relationship lives hit similar time lines and your relationship was just that bit ahead of mine, so I always looked up to how you handle things. You are one amazing woman SS. I feel so sorry for you for what you are going through and how you are feeling so low at the moment. For whatever reason there seems to be a lot of low feelings in the universe with us women at the moment. Yes. Even though I have my husband here, I am feeling very lonely with our marriage - the emotional side of "marriage". You have so much on your plate at the moment but I'm glad you are able to share that burden with us here. Remember how far you have come on your own. That takes courage, commitment, honesty and resilience. Look after yourself and give your kids an even bigger hug. Please have a happy day today - and always.
      Thinking of you and big Hugs
      Gabby xo

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  5. Elle, I don't know how you find all these interesting and insightful articles around infidelity but I appreciate them so much. I just read that article and am sitting here reflecting on my own marriage and how for many years, my grumpy spouse was just a source of annoyance to all of us. I had no idea that his inner world was a mess and so was he. For years I told my best friend that there was no joy in my life and that I really needed to find some or I would die. I did have a few conversations with my husband but nothing really changed for us and now I know why. I'd love that lobotomy at times because for me the truth was far worse and uglier than anything I could have imagined. My husband is not the guy I thought he was and even now I struggle at times to look at him as the damaged adult he really is, a human being who is flawed and doing his best to live up to his own expectations of who he wants to be. Our marriage is really much better now that we are both living it together. The pain of the past is still like a hot poker at times but I'm not allowing that to dictate my present and future. We are doing this new marriage together. I'm doing my part to take care of me and to remind myself that what he did had nothing to do with me. Yes, knowing all the things he did is painful but I don't need to inflict more pain on myself by thinking about his behaviors like I've done for the past two years. I'm in the early stages of knowing the truth and taking healthy steps forward at the same time. It feels like a slow moving glacier with fewer tears and a bigger capacity for acceptance of where I am now. I could never go back to the way things were and neither can he. We are building a better life together and I'm so grateful for all of these secret sisters who have my back and heart when I need to have a touch stone of reality. I'm really OK and I'm going to be OK. So are all of you. Our lives are so different than they were and I never really thought after two years I'd still get hijacked by the knowledge of my husbands irresponsible and risky behaviors of the past but I do. They are not my fault and while I hope my marriage survives and thrives I now know that I'll be OK regardless.

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  6. I still remember dday of course and it hurt but I feel like it was the biggest ah ha moment ever. It was the oddest feeling to be so hurt but feel such relief. I had considered killing myself the year before. I can't remember if I ever said this on here or not. I had it all planned out, letters drafted that I was going to send before doing it. I knew deep down that I needed others to know or to deliver my words to my kids vs trusting my husband. Then he went on a long trip. The longest he had been on. That 8-10 days was amazing. I was the happiest I had ever been. He would call and want to talk with me. I would think you detach and barely acknowledge me at home but now you want to call when you have time and expect me to have this in depth conversation or he would expect us to stop what we were doing (which was always having fun). It was that break that gave me the clarity to know it was not me that was the problem as he had told me for years. Well fast forward to dday and it all hit me again. I had really focused on myself since that trip and I had challenged him. That is what I do I do not ignore or hide but I kept bringing up our marriage/relationship. His words did not affect me anymore. But when he started to tell me everything it was like light bulbs when off all around me. I was like ah ha this is why and him lying to me every time I asked about other women no wonder I had no idea.

    I would never go back to pre dday. I did not know what was wrong but for about 8 years I blamed myself. I believed the narrative my husband told me. I still struggle but there was relief for me even before I learned about affairs and that the root of this is all about him and not me. It all makes so much more sense now. Still dealing with so many feelings and emotions but to be validated that I was not "crazy" or even simply "always sick" "always tired" ... I could go on and on. My husband does not like to talk about any of this at all. He likes to make a blanket statement that he was a horrible husband in all ways for way too long. Then he says since dday he has lived every day in a way he is proud. So we will see but I was stronger than I thought and okay before dday even happened. So funny since I never really knew.

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  7. No, no no. I do not want it back. Like SS and BG I would not mind what I THOUGHT i had, but I am working on something so much better. My H is lagging and I am far from perfect. We have an odd dynamic happening, which is, we see the shrink who is JUST amazing, and we get to see our patterns, which are DEEP as hell, and how we play them out every single day. For 2-3 days after that session we are GREAT. then the familiar pattern returns.

    He withdraws, and I give up.

    I am watching myself and I can see that I get very guarded. The moment things are great my H thinks it's sexy time and I don't want to go there. after 2 weeks of the H being withdrawn and then 2 days of us being very engaged, it's just too much of a switch for me flip. So he withdraws, shuts down and I get hurt.

    Here's what i know. at least I am getting 2-3 good days at a time. Hopefully with work, (and Good god, as the shrink reminded me, this is why it's called WORK) we can string more better days together until they outnumber the lesser days.

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    1. Steam I've had a similar pattern with my h, we tend to have a really good few days then it breaks down, I get angry and he runs of to his own accommodation until things have calmed down then he re surfaces. I know this isn't healthy and want to discuss this with him, just waiting for the right moment. Like you steam Were having the really good days, would love more of them it's gonna take some hard work and maybe some joint therapy in the future. Thanks steam for sharing this thought it was just our relationship this was happening too.. xxxx

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  8. Elle, very interesting and as always insightful. Your right, I don't want to go back. I awake at 3 am and my mind goes off to the races. Infidelity weaves so slowly like a snake around my throat while I sleep, sneaking, silent. This week I told my husband at 3 am crying the big boo hoo tears, how lost and empty I feel. He said, I'm trying hard to be new improved version. He said I was never a good husband to you and I'm trying to make it up to you. I told him I want that type of trust back like I had with the old version.

    I learned in therapy how really abusive my mother was (I thought she was a normal mom). My dad died 2 weeks ago. Yes, he was a one time cheater but spent his life making up for it. I loved him so much. The OW shot herself in the head when my dad told her he would remain NC. That childhood reality of being normal is gone.

    My husband cheated. That marriage, wife, got your back, reality gone.

    With so much of my identity reality gone, who am I now? Life intertwined with lies. This loss of identity lingers like when you smell cigarette smoke in the room but the smoker is long gone. Once that identity reality rug has been pulled out, I think I lost something, permanently.

    My center has been lost, I have given up so many realities where is a place within myself I can go back to? It doesn't exist anymore. I defined myself based on those not -so-permanent realities. I have no sense of self-definition so I feel lost and empty. This makes everything to me uncertain. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize because I'm the only prize that matters.

    Can you write something about how you replaced all that was lost that you thought was real? If you lose something you replace it right?

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    1. LLP
      You are the prize dear woman and you matter to your family friends and all of us here. I too wake up during the night at all times and this morning it happened to be 3am, with what he has done on my mind all the time. It never leaves. So this morning I got up and logged on here.
      Lack of sleep fogs your mind and has irrational thoughts running through it as well. LLP. Are you ok? You sound like you are going through some down in the dumps time? Heck we all have those, but please take care of yourself.
      Thinking of you and Hugs
      Gabby xo

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    2. llp I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, losing a parent is really difficult to come to terms with, you lose a sense of identity. 2 weeks is so raw for you llp I'm not surprised your feeling like you are. I lost my father 3 months after d day 1, it was heartbreaking so many emotions of loss and hurt mixed with the betrayal of my h it felt like too much to handle. I couldn't separate my grief for my father and the loss of my marriage. I'm not sure you can replace what you have lost llp.. I think you give yourself time to adjust to losing that someone, you remain kind to yourself, you seek support from others and you do whatever you can to get through these very difficult coming weeks and months. It's been 4 years since my dads passing and I miss him daily, I too loved my father very much.

      Take care of yourself Llp.

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    3. I am not sure how one finds a womans group in person. I have never seen an ad or invite for one. I was lucky enough to be pointed to one by our therapist and it's truly amazing. Moderated by two professionals for a group of 3 to 8 women. The women are just like us, with stories just like ours. some more harrowing that others, but all harrowing to us. to sit with these women in person is really a privilege and although some are doing better than others, and for some the pain is fresher than others it's amazing to me that we have the strength and the courage to show up every week. It has been LIFE changing for me. I get more out of it than I do 12 step (although 12 step is a good place to go to--you do NOT need to identify as "co-dependant" to his problem. You just go and you can participate or not). But any time you can gather together with women of the same ilk, it's pretty comforting. Our stories and the way we feel about them is almost universal. Any of us could be any of the women I have met. thoughtful, smart, deep, pretty, and so very aware of the world around us, and the pain it it. The pain draws us together, but it's the work that bouys us. I wish everyone here could have not only THIS place, but a place IRL too. It's the only way I am not floundering. In fact, even in off kilter weeks, I never miss it. In fact I get more out of is. So Elle, thanks again for THIS place because for many of us (and me for over 3 years) it's really the only place i had.

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    4. Steam, A woman's group sounds amazing. How great you found that. I do feel like this website serves as that for me. In our community I would not feel comfortable being in a woman's group. Maybe if I traveled. I already drive pretty far for my therapist for this exact reason. I will have to ask my therapist if there is anything in their area.

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    5. LLP I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. I think it is part of the natural cycle of grief and totally normal. And I think one grief can tend to magnify or resurrect others, just when we think we are finding our feet. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Losing a parent can be over whelming and in itself have us questioning who we are, where we are and what are have done and are doing with our lives. My dad's passing was the beginning of my own "awakening". It started me on the path to reconnecting with myself before I even knew about my H's cheating. It's a tough moment on it's own. And when you sprinkle in dealing with trying to recover your sanity in the wake of infidelity, well, wow. No wonder you feel lost and empty.
      That "who am I now?" is actually really good stuff going on inside of you. Its a chance to evaluate. Are you happy? Are you doing things that fill your cup? Not because it makes you a healthier person for kids or family but because it makes you a healthier happier person for you. Are you taking care of you? (I know you are pretty good at this, but sometimes life gets complicated and it is easy to lose sight of). And I'm not talking about massages or pedicures, though these things are definitely worthwhile. Do you have something that makes you feel alive? Sometimes for me it is painting, sometimes running, sometimes photography or going to see the symphony. Things that I can do on my own or with others. These things feed me. I hope you are finding things that feed you.
      And my the way, you are allowed to have a pity party. You are allowed to wallow. Enjoy it. Its another way to take time for you. You need to feel those things too.
      Love, SS

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    6. LLP, my sympathies on the loss of your dad. xo

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  9. LLP,
    I'm very sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my Dad too, a few months after I learned of my H's affair. It's a lot of grief to take in all at once, especially when you feel that you can't lean on the one person you depended on to be there in times like that.

    It seems bleak now, I know. But you are still there, and the center that it feels like you lost was just an illusion. Your real center is still very much within you, it's just a matter of giving yourself enough loving kindness, time to heal, time to reemerge, whole. And you will, you really will. And you will find out that you were in there all along, and you are strong and resilient.

    Sending you hugs and kindness,
    xo

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  10. I know it was a sham- the marriage I thought I had, but 28 months later I really miss being okay. I feel anger towards my husband to the point of hatred at times because I can't have a simple conversation with a friend, or take a trip to the beach without a trigger that makes me feel sick to my stomach!

    I've learned to deal with the ones I can anticipate- for example going down a particular road means I'll have to pass the hotel he slept in with her! But there's so many that I can't anticipate and I find myself being caught of guard and then trying to fight back tears. Trying to once again stop the thoughts, images and fears. I'm so sick and tired of it! I miss feeling okay.

    That's what I would want back. Just to live a life that isn't filled with reminders of his double life with her. I would love to look through the mail without seeing an advertisement of a restaurant he took her too or a gift he brought her. I want to buy plants for my home without having to see the stupid flowers she wanted him to buy her- something that I hadn't fought about in months and now there it is in a seeds packet! And I hate that he was able to cram all these disgusting things because used me as the childcare for our family while he went on dates and vacations for her! Went shopping for her!

    And he's done so much right since then but I'm still unable to see past his time with her! I'm sick of it!

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  11. Thanks Gabby, My sister asked me today. Are you sorry you didn't leave him? I said yes but I knew I wouldn't be happy without him. She asked me, Do you believe him? I said yes but I will never ever trust he has my back. I'm going through a stage where I just feel sorry for myself. I still have a lot of unhealthy feelings that I'm holding on to but don't know how to get rid of them. I'll keep working on it. You are so right about sleep.

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    1. llp, I can relate to times of feeling sorry for myself! Mothers Day started my latest pity party. The day centered on what a great mother AND WIFE that I am. I wanted to get up, get in my H face and say 'blah, blah, blah, it didn't make any difference did it? I followed the list of doing this job right, 1,2,3... let's see where that got me'.
      I know it's counterproductive. I know I AM a great mother and wife and should just take in the moment. I guess I did this year better than the one before so that's progress. I have no words of wisdom, just a big ME TOO!
      Truth

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  12. Sam A you are so right about 2 losses seeing your response makes me realize it. Periwinkle it is comforting to know that my feelings and reactions of a loss are normal. I did not grieve my mom. Anom @ 10:20 am I'll figure out how to talk myself out of feeling sorry for myself.

    Best of all thank you for responding and caring. It is just hard.

    After D day it is no longer a relationship but a relationshit!

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  13. The one thing I really do wish I could have back is that deep, carefree, innocent, unconditional love I felt for my husband. I love from a distance now. I miss just wanting to crawl under his skin where I felt safe. That feeling is gone and fear it may not return. Outside looking in, he is ever woman's dream of a husband because they see all the things he does to right his wrong...problem is that I know the price I paid to get my new husband and can't feel the love still. It's now been a year and a half. I also agree with Kayla..,miss being able to live my life without her face or images of the texts he wrote.

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    1. FLAG, in a couple of weeks I will hit the second anniversary of D-Day. Your statement about missing that "deep, carefree, innocent unconditional love" resonates with me and those feelings I also felt for my husband are gone. I know I love him but it feels foreign to know that the feelings I have for him no longer mean I trust him. I haven't figured out yet if the lack of that unconditional love will give me enough emotional stability to keep me here. I'm taking it one day at a time and really doing my best to figure out what makes me happy. Like Hopeful 30, the times when my husband traveled for work found me and the kids doing fun things and a lot happier than when he was home a lot. I worry that the price I will pay for staying with this "new guy" is the loss of my soul. I am hoping that time will provide me with the answer and in the mean time, I am just going to do whatever I need to do to find personal happiness. Having to look at him every single day is tough. Kind of like Baptism by Fire. I rarely have moments of hatred when I look at him anymore so that is progress. His public personal is still squeaky clean and he appears to be enjoying every single moment of his new life while I, on the other hand, work to find forgiveness, peace and some semblance of emotional stability that can be sustained over time. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be living like this at my age. I'm protecting my adult kids and grand kids by keeping this secret but the personal cost is high. His secret life and my buying into the secrecy makes me feel like a liar as I avoid conversations that might cause me to say things about my marriage and spouse that are untrue. I'm banking on a long term payoff.

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    2. Yes! I believe I am grieving that 'feeling' of carefree innocent love. I remember a period of several blissful years where I truly thought life couldn't get any better. I told my h that many times. I feel nauseous recalling them now.
      Will we ever get to a place of having those innocent, carefree 'feelings' with ourselves? I have been loving and valuing myself more. I have become introverted and love being with me, tho I admit it's how I feel safest now.
      I've been re-reading June 2010 'myth of a soulmate', great reading! Makes me wonder, if we can have love and care for ourselves, will we make it to a place of having those 'feelings' with h again? Ya, those aren't the feelings I have right now either. At times I don't even want to look at his face, or eyes.
      That's why I keep reading and re-reading this blog. I read that there's more beyond this place I'm stuck. I read of better times ahead with my h, trust, love, enjoyment! I guess I'll wait, and work on loving me in the meantime. Truth

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    3. Fight like a girl
      I think we all have a bit of wistful thoughts of the best parts of the way we thought our marriage was! I'm working through third year of the mess my h made in our relationship! I remember the first months of keeping my unconditional love from rushing me into making decisions before I was ready. It took over 18 months to literally get the cow from interfering with our choice to rebuild our marriage. Those were the toughest times of our marriage! She made my h life hell and tried to make mine miserable with her half truths of their affair and love for each other. However, during this time, I found myself giving him hell due to triggers! I have to work hard not to allow her to intrude my thoughts and now I concentrate on my own happiness and yet I still have this need to come here and share this experience in hopes that I can give some comfort in their road through hell. Sometimes I cry when I read of new warriors and when I see one making good progress only to find their h is still being a total a-hole. It's hard! Everything you wonder about is hard to get back. Trust, love/hate periods that continue even though you feel like you're past that part, some trigger can put doubt back in place. It's a daily choice to keep making progress through and sometimes, I just let myself have a bad day if I have to. However, I have found my inner peace and can usually pull out of those funks. I have to look hard to see past what he chose do and concentrate on his actions now. I sometimes look at him and wonder if he has had to 'fake it until he could make it' through his own triggers, that I remember in the beginning did cause him problems with sex. He has had to learn the difference between sex and making love. I'm having to learn that just sex is just as satisfying as the times we make love. Just like the beginning of our first marriage we had to learn to live with each other and still give each other room to be themselves. We're getting back to that place in our new marriage. I'm again able to do the things that I treasure spending time on and I finally feel comfortable with him choosing a project with a friend and not feel jealous pain of why he wants to be doing that instead of planning something for us. Truth is though, he plans daily some us time. Those actions are what is continuing to move us forward. Hopefully your h will continue to grow into the man you need! Hugs! This is a winding road up hill and down!

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    4. I know that feeling all to well.

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    5. I feel like I feel this too. I know I thought he would never do this or that, he would never go to that level, put him on a pedestal...well all untrue. He did it all and for a long time and over and over. I think for me day to day is hard but what is hardest is seeing people I know or don't know, read in books or see in shows about amazing husbands. I feel like people gush all the time about how amazing their spouses are, how honest they are, how true they are, how genuine they are.... I could go on and on. I too thought my husband was all those things. he told me so and I trusted and believed him. But all untrue. I think that is what is hardest for me. I too wonder is this enough is this for me. I just don't know. I try to focus on today and the positive. The great things he says and does for me but I just don't know...

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  14. It breaks my heart when I see men who treat their wife like gold. The elderly widows who can write an obituary about what a good man their late husband was. We ALL deserved that. I will never be able to write that. Unless I remarry one of those men (slim pickings) I will never have experienced what it feels like to be loved ENOUGH. Not by my birth mother who gave me up, not by my adoptive parents who abused me and not by my H who cheated on me. I get to live knowing my H was so selfish that he didn't care if he broke my spirit. So many of us BW had difficult childhoods - my H knew about my childhood & he explicitly promised to take care of my heart when he proposed. H saw me rise above that childhood dysfunction and earn degrees, achieve a very successful career, raise our kids in a loving environment and be generous to his family & in our community. He knew all that about me and was still willing to make decisions that hurt me so much more than my abusive parents ever did. Our CH's do know unconditional love, even when they may not have deserved it, because that's what we've given them before & after our Ddays. Since Dday 6 mos ago I don't think I can or will ever love H like I once did. It will always be there under the surface: he cheated on me - with a married family member - when I was pregnant - plus years of lying, porn, pot, unemployment, gas lighting and cyber affairs. (For those of you who don't know my story... that A was sex 1x in the backseat of our car followed by intermittent emails over the course of 4 years and topped off with a failed attempt at backseat sex a 2nd time/ED, H ended it a decade ago and NC since, but I just found out this past fall when COW's ex-BH decided he was still angry & wanted to retaliate against my H after a decade of lying to me so COW's ex-BH publically shamed me by exposing the A on social media and calling me an idiot despite all the kind things I did for him and his family for many years). Recently my H appears to have turned his life around. H didn't deserve me for more years than he did and now he is working hard to be a better man... I sit on the fence about whether to remain married because there is just SO much water under the bridge. I know if it wasn't for the kids I would probably kick him out. I wish I would have learned the truth a decade ago and made my decision then, a decade later it is so hard to decide what to do and some days I wish if I wasn't going to learn back then to not have learned now.

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    1. BEG, All so true. My husband actually talks about how he worries if he dies before me that I will have to listen to everyone gush about him. He actually worries about this. But it is true. He originally worried all the time he would die and then I would find out he cheated on me after the fact. He said that has been a huge relief that I know now. It is hard to even think about. He has told me how he feels phony with everyone in his life besides me. It is hard to even know how to respond. I guess it is good he gets it and thinks about it. It is sad though what he did to himself as much as me and our marriage for so long. My husband said even though he broke off the affairs 15 months before dday that he always felt like he was still detached since it was as if something was still between us. Did your husband feel this at all through the years after the affair before dday?

      I am not sure I would have stayed without our kids being taken into account. We have been together forever but that to me makes it worse. And before and during the affair years I always tried to be proactive regarding our marriage and focusing on us. At least I know why he always had an excuse now. The flip side is who knows what anyone else's life is really like. I am sure there are good guys out there but with the cheating stats I question how many people are free of this at some point in their life. So for now I am here working away.

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    2. Hopeful 30, my H said he felt guilty about it for all those years and tried so hard to hide it from me because if I found out I would divorce him and/or be hurt. So I think during that decade he was never 100% "in" in our marriage because he was protecting himself to be dumped when I eventually found out. His 'one foot I, one foot out' attitude definitely didn't help my feelings toward him and probably contributed to why he went on AM a few years ago. I can't imagaine what carrying that guilt and being worried your spouse will eventually find out and divorce you feels like. I still say it can't compare to my pain, but it is a sad reality. My IC says don't stay 'just for the kids' and I don't think I am doing that, there are other reasons to stay; but, I did tell her if it weren't for the kids I'd have already filed (slight nuance but the rationale is different).

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    3. BEG, I can't imagine carrying that guilt either. My husband lost about 35 lbs, drank a lot and was so short-tempered. I talked last week with our therapist about how he seems so much lighter now that he lives a clean life. Yet another irony in infidelity,... there have been so many days where I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as a result of his actions. It's hard to not compare his pain to mine. I'm not sure though that I could live with having sacrificed my values for trashy sex.
      The OW did the same and I'm not sure how she lives with herself. I wonder how she has managed to keep up the front she has now that it's been two years since I found out the truth. As far as I know her husband hasn't found out and her sister, who knows, has kept her secret, I wish I could find solace in believing that she is guilt-ridden or in knowing that she's always wondering when the truth will come out.

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  15. 'Relationshit' sorry llp but I had to laugh out loud at that one .. genius xxx

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  16. Fight Like a Girl, that's exactly it. You've put your finger right on it. That's what I miss!

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  17. You know, as I reflect again on this post and re-read comments it has occurred to me that given my new knowledge about my husbands past and the fact that we are coming up on two years post disclosure without another incident, I am treating my "new" marriage relationship just like I would treat it with a new man. I am cautious, my eyes are open, my expectations are realistic and I am focusing on the day. As long as I am OK today I am doing well. I do hope that my catastrophic thinking about my old marriage softens over time but that is not my priority. I can't change a single thing about the past my husband forced on me and as hard as it is for me to accept that he did all those things, he has to live with himself. It is still very hard for me to actually do things for myself but I am doing them and finding it easier all the time. Peace all.

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  18. BG, you have been a hero of mine in past months. I have read and re-read many of your comments, watched for your posts. Thought of you many times. You are strength and resilience!! You have been some hard places already! You have what it takes to get through today, and the days ahead. Continue on...
    Lest anyone gets their feelings hurt, ha!, you are ALL HEROS to me!! Facing enormously painful, brutal truths. That favorite wine, that Xanax bottle, it could seem easier to spend the days that way. (No shame or judgment in needing a little help this way, I've done both). Love that Elle voices caution with that type of bandaid. Thanks to all of you bwc. I wish you the best June you've ever had!
    Truth

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    1. Truth, wow, thank you for your kind words. I hardly think of myself as my own hero, never mind anyone elses hero. My BFF tells me all the time that I am the strongest person she has ever known to live through this and keep my cool. It isn't easy knowing that 35 years of marriage were flawed so badly without my knowledge. I am often emotionally exhausted because it takes a lot of emotional energy to "be here now" and not back there. Oh, by the way, if you would like to change your name to Truth from Anonymous, before you post you can scroll down the list to "name" and type yours in that spot. Some kind person on this blog gave me that advice. Sending you a hug.

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  19. BG, thanks for the tip. Also, a comment about strength. A friend and I were discussing a woman that was facing a challenge. I off handedly remarked 'she's strong, she'll get through it'. My friend replied 'doesn't matter how strong she is, it still won't be easy'. How true!!

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