"This is a wonderful day. I have never seen this one before."
~Maya Angelou
Sure, January 1st is just another calendar day. But we've given it magical properties. It's a time of new beginnings, of change, of reinvention. And as women going through, often, the worst pain of our lives, we can be susceptible to both looking backward wistfully and looking forward naively. No matter our hopes, tomorrow really is just another day.
On the other hand, tomorrow is another day. Another chance to practice radical kindness to ourselves. Another opportunity to set boundaries. Another reason to remind ourselves that we're doing the best we can even when our best is managing to get out of our bathrobe and brush our hair.
I'm a sucker for fresh starts so I've always loved anything that gives me permission to indulge. But I'm aware of the danger of imbuing magical power to a certain day. Just as we can get tripped up by a certain birthday number, or an anniversary, New Year's Eve/Day can send us spiralling. It draws a clear line between past and future.
And that's really it, isn't it? Rather than focussing on where we are today, right now, right here, it throws us forward or backward where either we're longing for what was or crossing our fingers for what might happen.
Where we should be, where we need to be, and where we can only ever be, is right here, right now.
So by all means, draw up your resolutions making damn sure they're things you can control and that don't rely on anybody else to be different. Set your goals. Acknowledge your dreams. Be sure to include a hefty dose of self-care among those resolutions and to give yourself huge credit for simply being here, putting one foot in front of the other, slowly patching together your broken heart.
But remember too that tomorrow is just another day. And if, when you put your head on the pillow tomorrow night you feel as though you blew it, then that's okay. Practice radical kindness to yourself, give yourself a hug and tell yourself that the very next day is the chance to try again.
And no matter what else, remind yourself of Maya Angelou's words: This is a wonderful day. I have never seen this one before.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
My New Years resolutions include no weight loss or fitness goals, no bargains to get more done or be better organized. My goals are all around self care.
ReplyDelete1. Get more sleep.
2. Spend more time doing things I love.
3. More time with friends and my kids.
4. Continue my painting and photography.
5. Be mindful of my eating (I tend to eat my feelings. Instead, I'm going to try to focus on eating what fuels my body and the things I love to do like running, cycling, yoga and weight lifting).
6. Spend more time outside (unless its below 32/f, in which case, spend more time by the fire).
7. Practice asking for what I need.
8. Meditate more.
9. Focus on building financial security, so I'll have less to be afraid of in four years.
10. Be kinder to myself (which always makes me kinder to others).
11. Remember that every day (not just Jan. 1) is a new start.
I guess my heart is still more broken than I realized. Time to slow down some things to give that time to catch up.
This was my New Years read that seemed to help. I think we can all attest to a feeling of almost dying during this painful process. I just like her reminders...
ReplyDeleteLive. Put your phone down. Talk to the person in front of you. Hold the door for people. Smile if someone catches your eye. Say thank you. Say please. Give hugs. Compliment people. Compliment yourself. Love yourself. No one will remember what size the pants are you are wearing but they will remember the way you walked in them. So walk softly. Speak boldly. Love gently. Laugh loudly. Call someone if they cross your mind. Allow yourself to be happy for others, and most importantly allow yourself to be happy for yourself, through every stage and step of your life. Be happy. Life doesn't have to be perfect for it to be perfect.
http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/how-the-fear-of-dying-taught-me-how-to-live
Beautiful words, Elle. Thank you for reminding us to keep going, to stay kind to ourselves, to not get stuck in the past or in the worry. I am 3 years out, and I am less consumed with his moods and behavior, good or bad, with each passing year. He says he's faithful, and I believe him for now. Such a tough journey, but so far so good. Thank you for lighting the way!
ReplyDeleteWell I told myself this year was going to be better I was going to be the best I could and do what was best for everybody in my family and me. Well 10 days into that I fucked up again. Seems no matter what I say or do it always comes out wrong and we always wind up in a fight. I had it all planned out we both come home early from work so we could be alone and we could spend some quality time together because I know this weekend he's got things to do with his buddies. But he was taking a little longer getting home than normal so I decided to call him, and it sounds like he's in a tunnel so I asked him what he's doing he said he stopped to take a leak well he says did you see me? I said no where you at? He's at the gas station. 2 miles away from the house. So I said why did you stop there when you're that close to home he then says well I had to stop and get a can of snuff. I said oh.
ReplyDeletewell then when he comes home he's all pissed off because he's tired of me not believing him thinking that he's lying. In no way did I insinuate that he was lying to me so now we're in this big ass fight again and he always says mean hurtful things to me when were fighting today it was ..well I don't know what your doctor has you on but you're all fucked up . And I told him I'm not on anything .
I'm left feeling like a fucking failure that nobody cares and I'm just here to take care of everybody elses shit but nobody helps me. I try to do nice things for him I buy him sweet mementos I write him nice letters. But I don't get anything in return. So again I've said it I'm not going to call or text him because all I do is open my mouth and shit comes out wrong.
Izzy,
DeleteI'm going to ask you some hard questions and I want you to REALLY give some time toward answering them. To start: Who, in your childhood, gave you the message that you were responsible for other people's anger? Who told you that it was somehow your job to not rock the boat? Chances are they didn't say those words, exactly. Chances are they lashed out at you when you asked for something. Or maybe they told you that you were selfish because you wanted things, or because you tried to get your own needs met. I ask this because there is nothing in what you did with your husband (??) that was wrong. Absolutely nothing. And yet, here you are, taking FULL responsibility ("I fucked up again.") for what happened when you did NOTHING wrong. You asked a question. You planned a nice evening. Chances are you got triggered a bit when he was late. Chances are you did wonder why the hell he stopped at a gas station when he was almost home. And chances are he KNOWS you were triggered and that triggered his own guilt or shame or whatever. But you did NOTHING wrong. You asked a question, and even if that question is affected by his betrayal of you, there's nothing wrong with asking it.
But...and back to the questions I asked you...I think you've bee well-trained by others in your life not to ask questions and not to ask for what you need. Because when you do, and people respond with anger or frustration, you get the message that you shouldn't have asked. There's a ton of information on this site about boundaries and about countermoves. I would really encourage you to read about them. Countermoves are when people do things to keep you "in your place", to prevent you from getting the way of them doing whatever they want to do, of getting you to ignore your own needs so that you can take care of everyone else's. And I'm sure you chose this guy because it all feels so familiar. He tells you what you've come to believe -- that YOU are the problem, not him and not his behaviour. But you. And that is total and absolutely bullshit.
You are not the problem at all. I don't doubt that you have problems (we all do!!) but it sounds as though, with the help of a doctor, you're trying to deal with him. And what is he doing? Lashing out at you and shaming you for that. Well...I think you deserve a huge hug and a huge congratulations for everything you're doing to make this work. And if he can't appreciate that and can't be incredibly grateful for the gift you're giving him of a second chance, then he doesn't deserve you Izzy.
So let me say it again: You are NOT a fucking failure. You are someone who's been deeply wounded by the person she trusted and you're working so hard to make it work. You are not here to take everyone else's shit. And, in fact, I would encourage you to work with your doctor or a therapist to learn how to NOT take people's shit. You deserve to be in this world and the world is better for you in it. Your job is not to take care of grown people. And it's certainly not to try and convince people to love you. If they can't see how awesome you are, that's THEIR problem, not yours. As my daughter says: Stay away from people who make you believe you're hard to love.
You can't win with this guy right now. So don't try. Take time to heal yourself, take time to get clear on how amazing you are and what you have to offer the world. And then...figure out whether this guy deserves to be in your life. I'm thinking...he doesn't.
But things used to be so different. He put me 1st. He treated me like a queen. He used to whisper sweet things to me . Make me laugh and wrote sweet I love you's and stop and pick me flowers for no reason. Just because he was thinking of me ... But not anymore... the last time I got flowers was 2 yrs ago from my employer for Secretaries Day..
ReplyDeleteI was raised by a single mother who was hardly ever home. She always had abusive relationships and the older I got I wound up being drug into those abusive situations. So as soon as I turned 18 I left. I married a guy who I thought would be my only one. But after two children ans 10 years he confessed his cheating ways and we got a divorce I was so devastated and heartbroken and then I met my current husband he swept me off my feet treating me like a queen he couldn't believe anybody would ever hurt me. Like my ex did.
But here I am 20 years later in the same boat... and it feels like the ocean and I'm all alone....
Izzy, I think it's up to you to break this pattern of abuse. Maybe your husband did sweep you off your feet but he sure as hell isn't doing that now. If you haven't already, I would strongly urge you to find yourself a counsellor who can help you work through all this stuff. And I would also encourage you to give yourself what you would love to be getting from these men: Acceptance, kindness, respect. Be gentle with yourself, treat yourself to nice things, stop the critic in your head who says you "fucked up everything" and replace it with a kinder voice that says "you're doing the best you can under really difficult circumstances." A long time ago you got the message that you were more trouble than you're worth. And that is a lie that needs to be buried.
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