Thank you for this quote. I find it intriguing, but also confusing, so I'm hoping someone could explain it to me.
I am 3 years, 5 months post D-day and a longtime lurker on this blog. That timeline sounds crazy because I still feel like it just happened yesterday. �� And that's part of my problem and struggle lately. My husband has totally moved on, and I'm still struggling with the most painful thing that ever happened to me. He no longer wants to talk about or process the affair, and now he gets quite angry when I bring it up. So this quote intrigues me because I guess I feel silenced in my life. I never publicly denounced him, and so few people ever knew. I feel so lonely, so lonely with this inside me. I have had IC and processed with friends ... But I still feel stuck in it while the rest of life goes on. I don't want to be stuck. We are together, but something has changed in me .... He annoys me more than ever. He's not my hero anymore. He's just a man, one that I don't think is quite so great anymore. I actively work on being loving and every morning choose forgiveness, and he's living with more integrity, but it's so hard to FEEL love toward him. I'm scared this is hopeless, I'm hopeless, and that joy for my marriage will never return.
Anon - I could have written this paragraph. It's like you're inside my head! I'll be three years post d-day the first week of January. So much of what you writes resonates with me. "He annoys me more than ever. He's not my hero anymore. It's so hard to FEEL love toward him." Yep. Sucks rotten eggs. I am so sorry.
I picked up my phone to come to this site precisely because I feel just as you have described! Every word you write is exactly how I feel. I'm 3 years 10 months from dday. He's SA and the betrayal was online, image sharing, little connection on any other level, a bit of small talk but nothing involved. I know the female involved, incredibly messed up girl, 28 years his junior, boundaryless etc but certainly not innocent. He says be could ask for pics of her and show himself because 'she didn't count'. I get why be says this but now I feel the way you have described, so...She did count. I go round in circles. So many contradictions.
I can relate to what you are saying. Our D-day was almost 5 years ago but I continue to struggle. I only shared what happened with my closest friend and I agree it is incredibly lonely. And the increased annoyance is very real! I think before this happened I felt like it was easier to tolerate some of the irritating things because I felt it was part of marriage, I knew I wasn’t perfect and irritated him at times. But I felt lucky to have a husband I knew would always be loyal and have my back. Once this happened I felt like he had broken that pact.
One of the hardest things for me is that my husband still works with the woman he had an emotional affair with. She is one of his administrative assistants and works closely with him. I just have never found a way to be okay with that. I rarely bring it up anymore, but if I do he doesn’t really get angry, just listens then continues as before. I feel like he has prioritized making sure the OW did not suffer any consequences even though it made it harder for me and harder for healing our relationship. It’s hard to imagine going on this way until he can retire in 5 years. I try to find joy in other parts of my life and keep hoping joy in my marriage will return.
Its so hard! But remember Elle's mantra.... your heartbreak, your rules. My husband's OW was a coworker as well. He tried to avoid her ( going outside and walking around a building etc rather than having to walk through her office area, etc). But I couldnt do it, after about 6 months when I was pretty decided that we were going to try to make it work I just told him " I cannot do this and I will not do this" ( have him there and her there). He listened and got a new job. He left a company where he had worked 19 years and had tremendous knowledge and respect. Now he's starting all over, making less money ( which that impact on our family makes a me a bit resentful) but I appreciate him doing it to save our marriage. I truly could not have done this if he were still working there with her. We are 2 1/2 years past Dday now...doing well most of the time. Still triggers and rough days but he's done all the hard work and his leaving that job/company was a huge step in the right direction for me. Good luck my secret sister. We are all in a club we never asked to be but we are here together.
"I think before this happened I felt like it was easier to tolerate some of the irritating things because I felt it was part of marriage, I knew I wasn’t perfect and irritated him at times. But I felt lucky to have a husband I knew would always be loyal and have my back. Once this happened I felt like he had broken that pact." Yes.
Thank you for sharing! My husband also still works with the OW and it’s a necessary close position as well. Although I’m only 61/2 months from Dday, I know my healing and pain have a lot to do with not being able to cut her out of our lives. He is also 5 yrs from retirement, but since she is over 30 yrs younger, my hope is that she will leave sooner. Good luck to you and know you are NOT alone in this struggle!
This is me also, I am 3 years one month DD today. It still feels like it was yesterday. My husband had a one year affair and told this person that she was the love of his life. That is what I think about most of the time. He will always be the man that hurt me the most and it’s hard for me to see him as anything other than that. Even though he has been true to his word of making it up to me, I see where things are starting to go back to the way our marriage was before the affair. The passion and the intimacy are no longer something he is interested in. He goes out of his way to make sure we are not in bed at the same time. I have discussed it with him and thus far he has come up with over 10 reasons why he is not intimate with me. I am not over weight and look much younger than my age. I think he just doesn’t have those feelings for me any more. It’s hard cause the rejection only makes me remember the affair so much more. He was able to be affectionate with the OC but not me. It’s a sad place to be in.
I am so sorry to read about this heartache of yours. It is dishearteningly familiar to me. "He will always be the man that hurt me the most and it’s hard for me to see him as anything other than that." Yep.
2 years and 3 mos. I, too, feel like it happened yesterday, even today at times. It is a process, individual process. For me, I gave him another chance. After all, 43 years is a long time. But, he became physical and blaming. He was ripping up the house big time, there is not one door that hasn't been replaced several times and now they all have holes in them. Holes in walls. Stainless steel pots bent in half. I could go on but suffice it to say he was hauled off to jail, finally and again another time when he broke NCO.
I had to go very deep inside myself to try to make sense of it all. I had to forgive myself for forgetting/blocking what he had done thru the years.
There is likely something inside you that you need to address somehow. And you need to think of ME instead of we. What has kept it there. You chose to stay. But that is not a forever decision if you decide to change your mind.
I know it will always come and go. I have heard folks 15+ years say they get hit hard from time to time. But, you should not have to process it alone if you are a couple. Find out if it is something you need to fix inside, acknowledge something or just can't get past it or is your bullshit meter going off?
There is no one answer for all. But, I know if you don't acknowledge your part in the marriage (not of his choices!) and don't love yourself, it will keep festering. No expert by any means but I want you to know everyone here has felt or is feeling your pain. We're all different but that gut punch is the same no matter how long your relationship is or how old you are.
Post here, read here. Love who you are and if you don't like that person, work on changing into someone you can love. I am sending you all my support that I can. Damn, why am I crying again?!?
Hello.....I just found out that my husband of 10 years has been cheating on me for the last month or so, with one of his female colleagues. To say I'm devastated is a gross understatement. I've been lied to, dismissed when I voiced my concerns over gut feelings, and I don't know how to process this. I've known him since the 7th grade and we reconnected, fell in love and finally moved to the country to start a new life, away from stress, anxiety, and city life. We've faced a few problems and, to be honest, spent more time working than with each other. He also had MS, so that doesn't help either. But, I never thought that it would come to this. I am so distraught that I can't even think straight. The bigger problem is that I still love my husband and still attracted to him........but my heart has been shattered. He says that he doesn't love this woman......I don't know what to believe anymore.......I don't know where to turn, how to act, what to do........I'm trying to understand God's will with this......all I've been doing for 24 hours is crying........I am so numb inside....I feel nothing right now.
I’m so sorry and completely understand and can relate. This working with the OW is a layer that seems impossible to overcome. I’m 6.5 months in and am still trying to deal with their affair being over but their work relationship continues. It’s really really tough !
How do you survive this without losing yourself in the process of saving your marriage? I read your comments and you’re years past where I am and I just don’t see how I could get to where you stand. I found out about his affair on 11/26/2021. The woman was texting to ask if he was coming to THEIR daughter’s 1 year birthday party. I thought the earth had split in two. I was sure it was a bad joke. A message sent to the wrong number. I was sure after 19 years, this couldn’t be happening to me. But he came clean. He had an affair for 5 months. She says the condom broke. That he asked her to get the morning after pill but she refused because “when you sleep with someone, getting pregnant is a risk you’re willing to take” I am so angry, and so sad all the damn time! We have a 17 year old and a 6 year old. He told our oldest. I feel like I have to put up this fake smile every day so that the kids are ok. Sometimes I feel like screaming, other times I’m too tired to even talk. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I love him and I want to make this work. He is doing everything I ask him to. But I feel dirty and hurt and like it’s just a matter of time until he does this again. I haven’t even started to process that there’s a kid in this freaking picture. I feel betrayed. I want to hurt him just like he hurt me but I also don’t want him to go through the hell im going through. How do you not go crazy with all this in your head?! I feel like I need to break something or shout at someone. Like I need some kind of release. Please, any advice or any tips on how you survived this long. Because everything is dark. I can’t tell my family or friends. The way I have carried myself all these years… I always said it would be a deal breaker if he cheated. But he didn’t only cheat. He cheated and had a child. And somehow, I’m the one that feels dirty and ashamed. I’m not okay.
"Sometimes I wish I was widowed." Yep. Betrayal is crazy-making. It really is. I am three years out from discovering my beloved husband of 20 years was having an affair with a good friend of mine. Trying to recover has been hell, even with him doing "all the right things". Absolute hell. Finding out your husband's adultery resulted in a child?? I am so sorry. So, so sorry. Of course you are not okay. Please know you are not alone in your feelings of betrayal, shame, etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Is being widowed better than being left for the OW?Is being widowed better than going through the enormous pain where you literally feel your heart breaking and being ripped out of your body piece by piece day after day? In the beginning I felt that way. Unfortunately there is no magic pill that will take away the pain, only time can do that and in the beginning time stands still. It will take time to get your head straight again. No need to make any decisions till you are ready. The beginning is a fog. You will need to talk to someone. I shared my betrayal with close friends. They would listen as I cried and poured my heart out to them. I wanted to put my H on fb and let everyone know who he really was. Not the person that he portrayed to be. But my good friend talked me out of it and advised me to wait till after I decided what I was going to do. She said you can always leave him later. Best advise ever. I knew that if he showed any remorse that I would stay not because I wanted him then, but because I didn’t want HER to have him. She was willing to break up a marriage just to have a man. This women would not have given my H the time of day 10 years ago, but being divorced for 10 years and striking out with the men out there she was already in the desperate mode. He had an affair for an year, it is 3 years 2 months from my DD. I will never feel the same way I felt for my H before DD. But I know how I feel about me. I can still leave if I chose to, he has being true to his word and is slowly becoming the man that he portrays to be. I am number one to myself. With Gods grace this man did not break me or take my joy from me. He might not be the man that you thought he was. But you are the women that you know you are. When all is said and done, you will rise again and be a better version of yourself and value and respect yourself because you MATTER. You rule. Love yourself cause God is always with you.
Choices!! I choose to walk inside my story....it began as crawling over broken glass....horribly painful but better than hustling for my worthiness...
ReplyDeleteThank you for this quote. I find it intriguing, but also confusing, so I'm hoping someone could explain it to me.
ReplyDeleteI am 3 years, 5 months post D-day and a longtime lurker on this blog. That timeline sounds crazy because I still feel like it just happened yesterday. �� And that's part of my problem and struggle lately. My husband has totally moved on, and I'm still struggling with the most painful thing that ever happened to me. He no longer wants to talk about or process the affair, and now he gets quite angry when I bring it up. So this quote intrigues me because I guess I feel silenced in my life. I never publicly denounced him, and so few people ever knew. I feel so lonely, so lonely with this inside me. I have had IC and processed with friends ... But I still feel stuck in it while the rest of life goes on. I don't want to be stuck. We are together, but something has changed in me .... He annoys me more than ever. He's not my hero anymore. He's just a man, one that I don't think is quite so great anymore. I actively work on being loving and every morning choose forgiveness, and he's living with more integrity, but it's so hard to FEEL love toward him. I'm scared this is hopeless, I'm hopeless, and that joy for my marriage will never return.
Anon - I could have written this paragraph. It's like you're inside my head! I'll be three years post d-day the first week of January. So much of what you writes resonates with me. "He annoys me more than ever. He's not my hero anymore. It's so hard to FEEL love toward him." Yep. Sucks rotten eggs. I am so sorry.
DeleteI could have written this paragraph verbatim. I am so so sorry. I know these feelings all too well.
DeleteI picked up my phone to come to this site precisely because I feel just as you have described! Every word you write is exactly how I feel. I'm 3 years 10 months from dday. He's SA and the betrayal was online, image sharing, little connection on any other level, a bit of small talk but nothing involved. I know the female involved, incredibly messed up girl, 28 years his junior, boundaryless etc but certainly not innocent. He says be could ask for pics of her and show himself because 'she didn't count'. I get why be says this but now I feel the way you have described, so...She did count. I go round in circles. So many contradictions.
DeleteI can relate to what you are saying. Our D-day was almost 5 years ago but I continue to struggle. I only shared what happened with my closest friend and I agree it is incredibly lonely. And the increased annoyance is very real! I think before this happened I felt like it was easier to tolerate some of the irritating things because I felt it was part of marriage, I knew I wasn’t perfect and irritated him at times. But I felt lucky to have a husband I knew would always be loyal and have my back. Once this happened I felt like he had broken that pact.
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest things for me is that my husband still works with the woman he had an emotional affair with. She is one of his administrative assistants and works closely with him. I just have never found a way to be okay with that. I rarely bring it up anymore, but if I do he doesn’t really get angry, just listens then continues as before. I feel like he has prioritized making sure the OW did not suffer any consequences even though it made it harder for me and harder for healing our relationship. It’s hard to imagine going on this way until he can retire in 5 years. I try to find joy in other parts of my life and keep hoping joy in my marriage will return.
Its so hard! But remember Elle's mantra.... your heartbreak, your rules. My husband's OW was a coworker as well. He tried to avoid her ( going outside and walking around a building etc rather than having to walk through her office area, etc). But I couldnt do it, after about 6 months when I was pretty decided that we were going to try to make it work I just told him " I cannot do this and I will not do this" ( have him there and her there). He listened and got a new job. He left a company where he had worked 19 years and had tremendous knowledge and respect. Now he's starting all over, making less money ( which that impact on our family makes a me a bit resentful) but I appreciate him doing it to save our marriage. I truly could not have done this if he were still working there with her. We are 2 1/2 years past Dday now...doing well most of the time. Still triggers and rough days but he's done all the hard work and his leaving that job/company was a huge step in the right direction for me. Good luck my secret sister. We are all in a club we never asked to be but we are here together.
Delete"I think before this happened I felt like it was easier to tolerate some of the irritating things because I felt it was part of marriage, I knew I wasn’t perfect and irritated him at times. But I felt lucky to have a husband I knew would always be loyal and have my back. Once this happened I felt like he had broken that pact." Yes.
DeleteThank you for sharing! My husband also still works with the OW and it’s a necessary close position as well. Although I’m only 61/2 months from Dday, I know my healing and pain have a lot to do with not being able to cut her out of our lives. He is also 5 yrs from retirement, but since she is over 30 yrs younger, my hope is that she will leave sooner. Good luck to you and know you are NOT alone in this struggle!
DeleteHow do I comment
ReplyDeleteThis is me also, I am 3 years one month DD today. It still feels like it was yesterday. My husband had a one year affair and told this person that she was the love of his life. That is what I think about most of the time. He will always be the man that hurt me the most and it’s hard for me to see him as anything other than that. Even though he has been true to his word of making it up to me, I see where things are starting to go back to the way our marriage was before the affair. The passion and the intimacy are no longer something he is interested in. He goes out of his way to make sure we are not in bed at the same time. I have discussed it with him and thus far he has come up with over 10 reasons why he is not intimate with me. I am not over weight and look much younger than my age. I think he just doesn’t have those feelings for me any more. It’s hard cause the rejection only makes me remember the affair so much more. He was able to be affectionate with the OC but not me. It’s a sad place to be in.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read about this heartache of yours. It is dishearteningly familiar to me. "He will always be the man that hurt me the most and it’s hard for me to see him as anything other than that." Yep.
DeleteAnon,
ReplyDelete2 years and 3 mos. I, too, feel like it happened yesterday, even today at times. It is a process, individual process. For me, I gave him another chance. After all, 43 years is a long time. But, he became physical and blaming. He was ripping up the house big time, there is not one door that hasn't been replaced several times and now they all have holes in them. Holes in walls. Stainless steel pots bent in half. I could go on but suffice it to say he was hauled off to jail, finally and again another time when he broke NCO.
I had to go very deep inside myself to try to make sense of it all. I had to forgive myself for forgetting/blocking what he had done thru the years.
There is likely something inside you that you need to address somehow. And you need to think of ME instead of we. What has kept it there. You chose to stay. But that is not a forever decision if you decide to change your mind.
I know it will always come and go. I have heard folks 15+ years say they get hit hard from time to time. But, you should not have to process it alone if you are a couple. Find out if it is something you need to fix inside, acknowledge something or just can't get past it or is your bullshit meter going off?
There is no one answer for all. But, I know if you don't acknowledge your part in the marriage (not of his choices!) and don't love yourself, it will keep festering. No expert by any means but I want you to know everyone here has felt or is feeling your pain. We're all different but that gut punch is the same no matter how long your relationship is or how old you are.
Post here, read here. Love who you are and if you don't like that person, work on changing into someone you can love. I am sending you all my support that I can. Damn, why am I crying again?!?
Don't ever give up..............
Hello.....I just found out that my husband of 10 years has been cheating on me for the last month or so, with one of his female colleagues. To say I'm devastated is a gross understatement. I've been lied to, dismissed when I voiced my concerns over gut feelings, and I don't know how to process this. I've known him since the 7th grade and we reconnected, fell in love and finally moved to the country to start a new life, away from stress, anxiety, and city life. We've faced a few problems and, to be honest, spent more time working than with each other. He also had MS, so that doesn't help either. But, I never thought that it would come to this. I am so distraught that I can't even think straight. The bigger problem is that I still love my husband and still attracted to him........but my heart has been shattered. He says that he doesn't love this woman......I don't know what to believe anymore.......I don't know where to turn, how to act, what to do........I'm trying to understand God's will with this......all I've been doing for 24 hours is crying........I am so numb inside....I feel nothing right now.
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry and completely understand and can relate. This working with the OW is a layer that seems impossible to overcome. I’m 6.5 months in and am still trying to deal with their affair being over but their work relationship continues. It’s really really tough !
DeleteHow do you survive this without losing yourself in the process of saving your marriage? I read your comments and you’re years past where I am and I just don’t see how I could get to where you stand. I found out about his affair on 11/26/2021. The woman was texting to ask if he was coming to THEIR daughter’s 1 year birthday party. I thought the earth had split in two. I was sure it was a bad joke. A message sent to the wrong number. I was sure after 19 years, this couldn’t be happening to me. But he came clean. He had an affair for 5 months. She says the condom broke. That he asked her to get the morning after pill but she refused because “when you sleep with someone, getting pregnant is a risk you’re willing to take”
ReplyDeleteI am so angry, and so sad all the damn time! We have a 17 year old and a 6 year old. He told our oldest. I feel like I have to put up this fake smile every day so that the kids are ok. Sometimes I feel like screaming, other times I’m too tired to even talk. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I love him and I want to make this work. He is doing everything I ask him to. But I feel dirty and hurt and like it’s just a matter of time until he does this again. I haven’t even started to process that there’s a kid in this freaking picture. I feel betrayed. I want to hurt him just like he hurt me but I also don’t want him to go through the hell im going through. How do you not go crazy with all this in your head?! I feel like I need to break something or shout at someone. Like I need some kind of release. Please, any advice or any tips on how you survived this long. Because everything is dark. I can’t tell my family or friends. The way I have carried myself all these years… I always said it would be a deal breaker if he cheated. But he didn’t only cheat. He cheated and had a child. And somehow, I’m the one that feels dirty and ashamed. I’m not okay.
"Sometimes I wish I was widowed." Yep. Betrayal is crazy-making. It really is. I am three years out from discovering my beloved husband of 20 years was having an affair with a good friend of mine. Trying to recover has been hell, even with him doing "all the right things". Absolute hell. Finding out your husband's adultery resulted in a child?? I am so sorry. So, so sorry. Of course you are not okay. Please know you are not alone in your feelings of betrayal, shame, etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
DeleteIs being widowed better than being left for the OW?Is being widowed better than going through the enormous pain where you literally feel your heart breaking and being ripped out of your body piece by piece day after day? In the beginning I felt that way. Unfortunately there is no magic pill that will take away the pain, only time can do that and in the beginning time stands still. It will take time to get your head straight again. No need to make any decisions till you are ready. The beginning is a fog. You will need to talk to someone. I shared my betrayal with close friends. They would listen as I cried and poured my heart out to them. I wanted to put my H on fb and let everyone know who he really was. Not the person that he portrayed to be. But my good friend talked me out of it and advised me to wait till after I decided what I was going to do. She said you can always leave him later. Best advise ever. I knew that if he showed any remorse that I would stay not because I wanted him then, but because I didn’t want HER to have him. She was willing to break up a marriage just to have a man. This women would not have given my H the time of day 10 years ago, but being divorced for 10 years and striking out with the men out there she was already in the desperate mode. He had an affair for an year, it is 3 years 2 months from my DD. I will never feel the same way I felt for my H before DD. But I know how I feel about me. I can still leave if I chose to, he has being true to his word and is slowly becoming the man that he portrays to be. I am number one to myself. With Gods grace this man did not break me or take my joy from me. He might not be the man that you thought he was. But you are the women that you know you are. When all is said and done, you will rise again and be a better version of yourself and value and respect yourself because you MATTER. You rule. Love yourself cause God is always with you.
ReplyDelete