I have read many of these posts, and sometimes I feel there is a division here between the ones who stay and the ones who leave the relationship o rather judgement towards the ones that leave. Please, don't diminish the strength, vulnerabilities and courage that takes the ones that decide to leave the relationship. I am almost 2 years post D-Day, and I have tried hard: 2 different couple therapist, my own therapy, hundreds of talks with my husband, but here we are 2 years later and things have not gotten much better. I feel my husband could have risen to the occasion after having an emotional affair (which involved physical contact too), but lately he has been mean to me, and I have a limit as to how much I can tolerate. Also, this made put everything on the table and not sure we are compatible anymore. Plus, before the affair, he seemed to blame most if not all on me. Never looked in the mirror. I know if I choose to leave, I know I have done it with courage, I tried to work on the marriage, and I am not cutting and running, I am deciding what is best for me, and for us. Please, keep that in mind, leaving is extremely hard too, and it takes just as much courage as it takes to stay, just different type of courage.
You are 100% correct. weather we stay or go takes strength and courage. Not accepting any form of abuse is our #1 end goal. I have left an abusive relationship{ 1st marriage } and am now having to contemplate leaving my current partner. A distinct lack of work or any kind of change leaves us open to having it happen again. And WE decide weather to stay or go. especially when they do not have the spine to make a decision, then it is ours. Stay safe and strong. Make the right choices for you. Good luck.
DJ, We are with you 100%. This site isn't pro staying -- it's pro doing what's right for you. And none of us get to decide that for you. You're absolutely right -- it takes incredible courage to choose ourselves and to follow the path that takes us into the life we deserve. It sounds as though you have done everything to give him the chance to become someone worthy of you – and he has chosen not to. That his loss. We wish you all the best as you take the very difficult steps to leave. And please know, you always have a home here, amongst people who know your pain and support your right to choose how you handle it.
DJ, Im sorry you have felt that way about this group sometimes. I dont judge you at all. I think leaving takes tremendous courage. I am 2 years 7 months past DD, my husband has made exponential changes in so many ways. Our marriage is really the best its ever been (minus the days Im still triggered or struggling) but the communication and vulnerability and friendship etc is amazing. If he had not made these changes I certainly would be seriously considering leaving! Ive learned a lot about myself too and we have really grown and changed together. It was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and the pain is indescribable. I hope you find peace and I applaud you deciding what is best for you!!
Thank you all for your comments. I know that I might also be reflecting my own doubt or guilt about leaving, and I know that some people are expressing their own journey, because it takes a lot to handle a situation like this. Thank you for caring and writing, I first came here and my heart ache because it made me realize I belong to a group I never chose to be part of, it was an eye opener. So happy to hear (writer above) that you both are making it work. And thank you for telling me I have a home here, at times it feels such a lonely journey. Thank you!
I have read many of these posts, and sometimes I feel there is a division here between the ones who stay and the ones who leave the relationship o rather judgement towards the ones that leave. Please, don't diminish the strength, vulnerabilities and courage that takes the ones that decide to leave the relationship. I am almost 2 years post D-Day, and I have tried hard: 2 different couple therapist, my own therapy, hundreds of talks with my husband, but here we are 2 years later and things have not gotten much better. I feel my husband could have risen to the occasion after having an emotional affair (which involved physical contact too), but lately he has been mean to me, and I have a limit as to how much I can tolerate. Also, this made put everything on the table and not sure we are compatible anymore. Plus, before the affair, he seemed to blame most if not all on me. Never looked in the mirror. I know if I choose to leave, I know I have done it with courage, I tried to work on the marriage, and I am not cutting and running, I am deciding what is best for me, and for us. Please, keep that in mind, leaving is extremely hard too, and it takes just as much courage as it takes to stay, just different type of courage.
ReplyDeleteYou are 100% correct. weather we stay or go takes strength and courage. Not accepting any form of abuse is our #1 end goal. I have left an abusive relationship{ 1st marriage } and am now having to contemplate leaving my current partner. A distinct lack of work or any kind of change leaves us open to having it happen again. And WE decide weather to stay or go. especially when they do not have the spine to make a decision, then it is ours. Stay safe and strong. Make the right choices for you. Good luck.
DeleteDJ,
DeleteWe are with you 100%. This site isn't pro staying -- it's pro doing what's right for you. And none of us get to decide that for you. You're absolutely right -- it takes incredible courage to choose ourselves and to follow the path that takes us into the life we deserve. It sounds as though you have done everything to give him the chance to become someone worthy of you – and he has chosen not to. That his loss.
We wish you all the best as you take the very difficult steps to leave. And please know, you always have a home here, amongst people who know your pain and support your right to choose how you handle it.
DJ,
ReplyDeleteIm sorry you have felt that way about this group sometimes. I dont judge you at all. I think leaving takes tremendous courage. I am 2 years 7 months past DD, my husband has made exponential changes in so many ways. Our marriage is really the best its ever been (minus the days Im still triggered or struggling) but the communication and vulnerability and friendship etc is amazing. If he had not made these changes I certainly would be seriously considering leaving! Ive learned a lot about myself too and we have really grown and changed together. It was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and the pain is indescribable. I hope you find peace and I applaud you deciding what is best for you!!
Thank you all for your comments. I know that I might also be reflecting my own doubt or guilt about leaving, and I know that some people are expressing their own journey, because it takes a lot to handle a situation like this. Thank you for caring and writing, I first came here and my heart ache because it made me realize I belong to a group I never chose to be part of, it was an eye opener.
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear (writer above) that you both are making it work.
And thank you for telling me I have a home here, at times it feels such a lonely journey. Thank you!